The Confidence Advice I Wish I Learned Sooner

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Ownership as a confidence practice: being first to claim your words

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      There is a power in being the first to say something, the first to claim your words. Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, and today I got something to get off my chest, y'all. Every once in a while, I think of big themes that I wanna be able to share with you, 'cause I get to hear a lot of things, and I think a lot of things, and I wrestle with things. And the theme that I wanna share today and talk about, and I'm gonna be talking just as much to myself, is the theme of ownership. And what I'm going to teach you by the end of this episode is

2. 0:30 – 1:31

   Own your season of life instead of wishing for a different one

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      not just how to own your communication, own your relationships. As a result, we're also gonna be owning our lives, and that is something that is a higher calling. And yes, are we gonna get, get through it in this short amount of time? Heck yeah, we are. So strap in, buckle in, let's, let's go. All right. First thing that we wanna talk about in ownership is, number one, owning your season. Owning your season of life. Right now, uh, my wife and I, we're in our, in our mid-30s, all right? Son is eight, daughter is six, and it is really easy at this point in time to almost wish sometimes we were in a different season. I wish it was easier to travel [laughs] with the kids. Um, I wish that ... It, it's always that idea of once things calm down, once things get less busy, once things get less hectic, then we're gonna get to be doing whatever we wanna do. Or you look at other friends or couples, and they're off doing something else. Maybe it's on vacation or maybe they have a different type of

3. 1:31 – 2:31

   A real-life tradeoff example: the “more land” dream vs. kids’ social needs

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      job, and they're, um, they're doing something different, and it's easy to wish you were either in a season ahead or a season behind, and just not in the season that you're in. And what I have found is that there is a peace that comes over you when you own your season of life, to know that we don't gotta be somewhere else. Like right now, my wife and I, we would like to be living somewhere else probably of, like, maybe having some more land and being a little bit more reclusive. But by doing that, we're taking away neighbors and neighborhood and kids down the street for our kids to play with. And we have to know that's the season that we're in. Like, uh, we, we, we want them to grow up knowing f- having friends and being social and developing those skills, and that's not gonna happen if we're secluded, you know, and on some acreage, and

4. 2:31 – 3:31

   Practicing presence: stopping comparison when you see other lifestyles

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      they don't see anybody. So it's as simple as that, I think, is just knowing that you can own your season. So maybe you're listening, and you too are finding yourself wishing that you might be in a season ahead or a season behind, and just any season but this one. And, and my encouragement to you is this is where we're gonna [inhales] take a breath, and we're gonna nod, and we're gonna say, "I'm gonna own my season. I own my season of life right now because I know it's not always gonna last, but this is the season that I have, and I'm going to choose to claim it. I'm going to choose to be present in it and not wish I was somewhere else, but know this is my season." So when you go out to dinner, and you see other couples that either don't have kids or, [laughs] especially for parents, and you go, "Oh, you know what? It'd be so nice if we were just able to talk to each other and then not go absolutely bananas about your kids, you know, arguing over something." Or maybe you're at breakfast, and you see some girls, a group of ladies, and

5. 3:31 – 5:02

   Own your words: the missing step in hard conversations

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:31

      they're having mimosas at breakfast. And you're going, "You know what? That sounds like ... That looks nice." That's not your season. It could be one day. Might be. But right now it's not. And so you have to get in the mindset of taking a breath, saying, "This is my season of life. I'm gonna choose to own it and be present in it because it is my season." Number two, the thing that we need to own is owning our words. Owning our words. This sounds like something small. It is not. It is actually much bigger. I want you to think of really hard conversations. I want you to think of arguments. I want you to think of hard conversations at work. Often we do not own our words. We just assume that because we were both in the room when it happened, it doesn't have to be addressed. For example, let's say you and I were in an argument right now, and at, earlier in the argument I had said something bad. I, I had called you an idiot, right? "You're ju- you're being such an idiot right now." That's not cool. Then later on we're going through the conversation. I know that I said that. You know that I said that. But instead of me acknowledging or apologizing, I, I'm just going through the motions and going like, "Yeah, I said it. Okay. What, what do you want? All right. What do you want to happen with that?" Or maybe you even bring it up, and you're like, "You know, you really hurt my feelings when you called me an idiot." And I said, "Well, yeah, but I mean, okay. But ... " And I'm starting to deflect. I'm starting to get defensive instead

6. 5:02 – 6:03

   How to do it: one-sentence ownership that interrupts defensiveness

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:02

      of owning my words. Owning your words does not have to be ... It's not some huge thing. It is very small. It's just easy to skip over because we go, you and I were both present when it happens. But you have to own your words. This is what it sounds like. It could be as simple as, "You're right. I, I called you an idiot. You know what? I did say that. You know, I did do that. I made a mistake. I didn't say the right thing. I messed up." W- whatever context it is, it- see how I, I am owning e- uh, just simple ... It could be one sentence, y'all. One sentence of just claiming the, "I did that. Yes, that is mine. Yes, that is the card that I dealt. I dealt that card. It's probably not my best one, and I could have played others that would have m- been much more helpful to the conversation and to this relationship, but you know what? I chose, I chose the wrong one." I need to first say before I withdraw it, before I do something different, I

7. 6:03 – 8:04

   Why ownership builds trust (even when it feels vulnerable)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:03

      need to say, "That was my card. Yep." Yep, that one's mine. When you get the mindset of the very thing that you are avoiding claiming is the one thing that's taking claim over you, that's, that's the thing that is controlling how you're reacting in all the situation because you're afraid in that moment of what do I... W- who am I if I claim this? But here, here is the breakthrough that I, I hope drops from your head to your heart in this moment of when you give these statements that are very vulnerable statements on their face, like, "You're right, I did that. Yep, that's... Yes, I did that, I said that, I was that person, I did do this, um, I did make that mistake, I, I made a rash decision, I spoke without thinking," whatever that little short claim statement is, they don't appear, they don't come across as vulnerable statements. They come across as statements of trust. I- the one thing that feels like it's very unsettling is the very thing that's going to ground you. Let me put it in a relationship context. You know, there is that sense of acknowledgement, or business context, that sense of acknowledgement that goes, "You know what? You're right to feel that way. I can imagine that's really hard. I don't blame you for being upset by that." It's, it's very easy to go straight to that and just affirm them without first owning what you said. So how do we do that? How do we own our words? It's a simple, "I said that, I did that," putting that out there and saying, "I claim that." Then you go to the acknowledgement or the affirmation or whatever the... it's needed in that moment, but own your words first. So what's the takeaway? I want you to be the person that people can say, "You know what? He really takes, or she really takes ownership of themselves" to be the first to say something. Because if

8. 8:04 – 9:35

   Getting off the conflict ‘merry-go-round’: move first to change the pattern

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:04

      you don't, if you don't own your words, it's just gonna continue to be in the muck. Like, you... Have you been in those, those really hard conversations at work or home and you just feel like you're in just mud? There's, there's no way out of it. You feel like you're on the merry-go-round. You, you're exhausting, you... I, I have no clue. I don't even know what we're arguing about. I have no clue how to get out of it. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. You have to move. How do you do that? You have to do it first. It's easy to kinda take that attitude of, "Well, they should be the first to, to solve this for me." If you're avoiding it, you're being controlled by it, and if you wanna break through, you got to move. There is a power in saying things first, to be the first one to own their words. You wanna get out of the, the, the merry-go-round? You wanna get off the merry-go-round? You wanna get off the rollercoaster of a bad conversation? Be the first to own your words. "I said that. That wasn't the right thing. Yep, I, I, I called you a name that I shouldn't have called you. I made a comment that was a low blow." I... Own it. [laughs] And there is something about being the first to put yourself out there that puts the brake on everything else. And it's, it's the first step towards getting off the exit ramp on, onto the, uh, off the highway, so to speak. Own your words. Short, sweet, but it, it has an impact

9. 9:35 – 10:06

   Ownership creates a reputation: secure people admit mistakes; insecure people deflect

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:35

      that's gonna give you a reputation that says, "I am trustworthy. I am secure. I'm somebody who takes ownership. I am somebody who has confidence." They, they all signal confidence because it's saying, "I don't mind being the person that says, 'I have a lot to learn, and you know what? I made mistakes and I'm gonna own them.'" The person who deflects and does not take ownership of their mistakes, and always seems like they pass the buck onto somebody else, it's always somebody else's fault, it's always somebody else's... There's always an excuse. Those are people you don't wanna be with.

10. 10:06 – 11:37

    Sponsor break: Gusto payroll and HR tools

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:06

       So if you wanna be the opposite of that, you have to get into the habit, the discipline of owning your words. [upbeat music] This episode is sponsored by Gusto. And I have to tell you, long before I ever did the podcast, I've been using Gusto from day one with several businesses that I've been both a part of and own and run personally. I truthfully have probably had five different Gusto accounts. Let me tell you what they do. They are an all-in-one payroll and benefits provider, online, remote, that make things that much more simple when it comes to payroll, because payroll is a pain. It is, uh, confusing. It is, um... it's... Wait, as a business owner, it's all you think about to make sure that you're taking care of your people. And what it does is it helps with all things from letters to onboarding to maybe somebody's changing, uh, bank information or their address, or maybe they're working remote and out of state, payroll taxes themselves, all of that in one. And if you ever have a question or really need to talk to a human, they have plenty of HR specialists that are right there, actual humans, that will answer the phone. How do I know this, you ask? Because I've used them, all right, many times. You can go to gusto.com/JEFFERSON and get three free months when you run your first payroll. It's incredible. I love it. I use it. I would not use anybody else, truthfully. Gusto.com/JEFFERSON to get three free months with your first

11. 11:37 – 14:38

    Own what you lack: inexperience can be your strongest confidence signal

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:37

       payroll. And now, let's keep going. Number three, the last thing I want you to own, owning what you lack. You go, "Huh?" Owning inexperience, owning what you don't know, not to be afraid to say, "I don't know things." Let me give you an example. There was, um, somebody who was in my, uh, community, my membership, and it was a wonderful question of she had been promoted to a new job, and it was a job that she knew and everybody knew She was kind of inexperienced for. It was a, a big promotion, and she felt really insecure about it, and she had heard from somebody else that they were kind of making comments about her being somewhat inexperienced for the job, which was true. All right? But she wanted me to give her feedback on some responses that she could have to those people that would kind of put them in their place. And what I had the opportunity to teach her was, you don't want me to tell you that. You want me to teach you the opposite, and that is own the lack. If you want people to see confidence in you, which is what she wanted, they're not gonna see confidence from the, the clap backs, the quick fix remarks that's gonna, you know, put somebody down and their back-handed compliment kind of thing. That's not gonna do it. What actually gives confidence is owning the inexperience and saying things like, "You know what? You're right. I- this is a new thing for me, and I'm, I'm really excited about the chance. I'm excited about the opportunity." Like, when you are re- if a plant is being repotted, right, you are excited about the chance of growing more, of learning more. And what I got to talk to her about was saying, "Hey, instead of when you hear these kind of comments, instead of feeling super insecure and trying to tell them, 'Nuh-uh, I'm really experienced,' which we, everybody knows this is a new job." It's going, "You're right. You know what? I am inexperienced in this, but I'm gonna... I'm a fast learner, and I look forward to showing you how awesome I'm gonna do at this job, how excited I can be at the chance to prove to you that I deserve to be here." Like, when you're able to switch and own, you're able to own that mentality of I'm looking forward to the chance of what I can do better, you see how in some wild way that's giving you more confidence and signaling trust, signaling that you deserve to be there than if you were to go, "Uh-uh, well, I mean, yeah, I am experienced, yeah, huh," and start to argue against everybody else. And so that was a huge light bulb moment for her. And what I know is she's got promoted since. So it's, um, it's something that I talk to myself about and I tell other people about of when you think of ownership, I want you to think of owning your season. I want you to think of owning your words, and I also want you to think of owning what you lack. It's okay

12. 14:38 – 16:40

    Why “I don’t know” builds credibility—and reduces pressure to perform

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:38

       to say you don't know something. It's okay to not know the answer. Uh, there's something about it when a person acts like they know everything and they, they always know the answer that we feel like something's off. Like, that's not, that's not real. That's not relatable. But if somebody goes, "You know what? I'm not sure. I don't know the answer to that. No, I haven't found that in my experience, but I, I don't know, but I'm-- I'll find out." Right? There's something about the willingness to engage in the I don't know and owning what I lack. It is-- To me, they're equally just, equally just in their causes and, and what they do for your life of being able to say, "This is what I know," and just as boldly saying, "This is what I don't know," and being proud of, of both. Because nobody's expecting you to know everything, good gracious. Every once in a while my kids will ask me something, uh, while driving, and I have no clue of the answer. I have no clue. And what I typically ask is... You know, they'll, they'll-- I don't know. I think, um, my daughter was, um, [laughs] she-- we were riding and, um, I think she asked me, like, how tall unicorn horns grow, right? [laughs] And so I have no clue. But I got to go, "I don't know, but you want me to guess?" And she's like, "Yeah." And I was like, "I don't know. Probably really long, like two to three feet, like really high. How f- high do you think they should go?" And so it allowed me to kind of have this fun, lighthearted conversation, and I give you that as an example of when you're able to own what you don't know, there is that same level of peace of knowing that you

13. 16:40 – 20:53

    Integration and reflection: the three ownership habits that change your life

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:40

       can be right where you're supposed to be and not wishing you were somebody else. So when you are able to own your season of life, when you're able to own your words, when you're able to own what you don't know, own what you lack, so to speak, the result is that you are gonna be given a peace that kind of, um, takes off a burden of knowing that feeling like you have to know everything. You have to be everywhere else but where you're supposed to be right now, and that's just not true. When you own these three things, what you're gonna be able to do is signal trust, signal confidence. And it's my, it's my hope that truly you, you will approach life in wh- whatever season you're in differently. I feel like right now I'm talking to somebody who, who... And in the comments, if you feel like this is you, tell me so I can, I can see you. As somebody who feels like they wish they were in a different season of life and they go, "Jefferson, I, I honestly, I get kind of disgruntled. I get aggravated wishing that I, I was just in a different season of life, and things are too busy and things are too hard and I'm just tired." And, and I hear that, and I see that. And I want you just to consider the question of what would it look like, what would it look like if right now you were to decide that the season of life you're in is the exact season of life you're supposed to be in right now? This, this is the season that you're supposed to be. I think that's a great question of what would it look like if the very season you're supposed to be in is the very season you're in right now? Owning that. What would it look like if in hard conversations, even easy conversations or hard arguments, you owned your words? You were the first to say something. You're the first to move and say, "You know what? I said that. I said the wrong thing. I could have said that better." What would it look like? How would your life change if you own your words? What would it look like if you were somebody who wasn't afraid to own and acknowledge what you don't know, what you lack? What you wish others thought about you was actually the one thing that you could show them by simply owning who you already are, meaning if you were to own these very vulnerable statements and own the inexperience that you have, it's the very thing that affirms you should be in the spot where you're, where you are. There's a piece about each one of those. Those are what I'm wrestling with and the things that I get to chew on because y'all leave so many wonderful comments and send so many wonderful messages and emails, and emails, emails, and DMs that I was like, "This is a theme that I, I continue to see." I feel like in, in the spirit of this, I'm going to own this podcast episode. I'm giving you s- information that when I'm saying this, I am owning it to you. This is my information as a gift that I feel led and inspired to. I'm owning the lack of things that I've... There's lots of stuff I don't know, and I'm still trying to figure it out, so maybe that's my ownership to you, is there's a lot of things I still don't know and I'm figuring out, and maybe you can come alongside me and help learn with me. I think that sounds, I think that sounds pretty fun. And I'm gonna, like you, together we're gonna own this season of life that we're in. Sound good? All right. Go forth and go own your words and your life and your ownership in all things. And as always, go be good. Thank you.

Episode duration: 20:54