The Fastest Way to Sound More Confident

1. 0:00 – 0:31

   Assertive vs. rude: setting the goal and skipping the small talk

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      How do you sound assertive without sounding rude? I'm gonna get right to the point in this podcast. You know what it is. It's The Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Number one, if you're looking for a gift this holiday season, give the gift of a better conversation. You can find my book, The Next Conversation, in the links. Number two, the workbook is also out. Been working a lot on that. You're really going to enjoy it and find some practical examples that you can use alongside with the book. How to sound assertive without sounding rude. How's that for skipping through an intro?

2. 0:31 – 1:01

   The assertiveness spectrum: aggression, passivity, and respectful confidence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:31

      I, I find that assertiveness is one of the top things that I get asked. It's a spectrum. You have aggression on one side, and I would say you have passive on the other. Aggression says, "I don't respect you." Passive says, "I don't respect myself." Assertiveness is somewhere in between, where I can say, "I can respect you, and at the same time, I can also respect myself." I'm going to assertively get through this

3. 1:01 – 2:33

   Principle #1 — Tone is almost everything (and why it works like music)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:01

      podcast episode with you. You ready? Number one: how do you sound more assertive without sounding rude? Number one, it's tone. Tone has a large part to play in it. Probably 98% of being more assertive is your tone. Tone is something that is innate within all of us, and the best way I can compare it is music. Think of music. I want you to think of a piano. Think of... Just close your eyes. Uh, unless you're driving or walking, don't do that, and think of piano keys. Your middle C, right in the middle. And imagine if I gently press on the keys, right? Maybe I just... I barely, lightly play, and you can't really hear it. Maybe I'm playing really passively, almost where you have to strain to hear. Maybe I, like my daughter did when she first started learning to play, she would just, bam. Like, she would just slam her hands on the keys. Or maybe you've had an animal, a cat, walk across it, and it's, it's jarring, right? It makes you kind of wince. Or maybe it's something really low, and it's almost a, a, a continual resounding, aggressive type of sound. Think of bands, rock bands, very aggressive, hard chord. Um, you know, it, it's bar chords and, uh, loud symbols. And then you also have maybe jazz music, and you have easy listening. There's all kinds of different ways to compare this. Tone plays a large

4. 2:33 – 3:34

   The downward “curb”: ending statements with certainty instead of questions

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:33

      part in how it sounds. If it's really aggressive, you know that it sounds aggressive. If it sounds really passive, you also know. S- Jefferson, how do, how do you just know this in tone? Listen for the curves. You hear, uh, what I just did in my voice? Listen for the curves. I went down. Anytime you wanna sound more assertive, the, the tone starts normal, and then it goes down. It ends with, uh, almost a curb. Uh, it's not like a straight up and down. It is, you're curving it downward. Uh, think of it as if I were gonna ask somebody, "Can you pass the salt?" I'm not gonna use a question mark as if I don't know what salt is. "Hey, can you pass the salt?" As if, like, "Do you know where salt is? Right there in front of you?" It... But we know people, and maybe you're one of them, that when you talk, your sentences go upward as if you're not really sure, and maybe you talk like this, and

5. 3:34 – 4:06

   Same words, different message: how tone changes meaning (especially in text)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:34

      m- maybe you talk like that, and you're not really sure. And it leaves people wondering, "Is this the end of the sentence, or is this a question?" Not really sure. Why? Because the tone positions it that way. It makes it hard. What I find so fascinating personally for me, 'cause I'm a nerd about communication, is how the word doesn't change, but if the tone does, it's a totally different context. You just take the word okay. If I say okay, or okay,

6. 4:06 – 5:07

   Daily practice: speak in a lower finish (even if you have a higher voice)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:06

      or okay. Same, same word every single time, very different communication, very different message that gets sent across. And you add in text, which is a very low emotion medium, then there's nothing but a lot of miscommunication to be had over text. If you wanna sound more assertive, rather than going up with your tone, I want you to go down with your tone. Now, does that... That does not mean you need to have a deep voice whatsoever. You can have a higher register, a higher pitch, and you can still go lower when you talk. It, it has a way of putting finality, like a period added rather than a question mark. So if you want to sound more assertive, less question marks and more periods. You with me? Tone matters a lot. So how can you practice this day to day? Make sure that when you speak, you're ending on a lower register. So there's a difference between if I say, "Welcome

7. 5:07 – 6:07

   Sponsor break — Cozy Earth

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:07

      to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast," or, "Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast." Podcast? Like, that's, that's not nearly as assertive sounding. It sounds like, "Am I on this podcast? I really don't know. Do I know what I'm doing?" End it with a period. And before we keep going, I wanna take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast, Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth, and I'm proud to have them as a longtime sponsor of this podcast because of the quality of their products. I love wearing soft things when I'm traveling or if I'm home. I just wanna be what? Cozy. This holiday season in particular, wearing stuff that feels good when you're home and it's freezing outside, what else is better? When you're home watching a movie Maybe you have a chimney with a fire, and you are just nice and cuddled up. Cozy Earth has all that you could want when it comes to soft fabrics, soft bedding, soft towels. Personally, I'm a very big fan whether or not they sponsor this podcast, and I'm very fortunate

8. 6:07 – 7:08

   Principle #2 — “Road mapping” with direct openers like “I need…”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:07

      that they do. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson, and get up to 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. You will not regret it. And now let's get back to the episode. Number two, phrase the sentences at the start. They're called road mapping, and what I like with assertive words is that you have to let the person know exactly where you're going, and it sounds like this. I'm going to begin my sentence with, "I need to tell you this." For example, let's say I need to discuss something hard with you about a business decision. I'm gonna begin with, "I need to tell you this. We need to make a hard business decision." You hear I'm phrasing it as a need, that I need to tell you. I'm not being rude about it, not being rude in my tone. I'm lowering my voice. I'm slowing my words down, and I am beginning with something that is framing

9. 7:08 – 7:38

   Scattered vs. direct: contrasting weak hedging with assertive clarity

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:08

      it exactly where I want it to go. Compare these two. Me saying, "Hey, so I was thinking of maybe, like, I could, I could tell you, um, some stuff that's, you know, on my mind, but, I mean, uh, it's, it's essentially not that big of a deal. But, I- I mean, really, if you don't want to..." You hear how it's just scattered. It's everywhere. I'm not really go- having any direction with it. But if I use something as simple as, "I need to tell you something. I need to tell you this. I need to have a hard conversation with you. You're

10. 7:38 – 8:08

    Start small: why “I need” is a respectful stake-in-the-ground

    1. JFJefferson Fisher7:38

       not gonna like what I'm about to say. This is gonna be hard for both of us." I'm being very direct with you. If you wanna sound more assertive, you need to also sound more direct. So what did we talk about? It's your tone. Two, it's how you phrase sentences. If you have a question in your mind, maybe you're thinking of a, a, a conversation that you need to have right now. I want you to consider beginning with, "I need." I need to be truthful with you. I need to tell you something

11. 8:08 – 10:11

    Sponsor break — LMNT

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:08

       that's gonna be hard. Just, just begin small. Begin with, "I need." Whenever you begin with, "I need," it is you taking all of your chips and pushing them onto the table and saying, "This is what I need. I'm not gonna be rude about it. I'm not gonna try and be greedy in the conversation or n- not respect how you feel. I'm, I'm simply telling you what I need." This episode is brought to you by LMNT, a company I'm proud to partner with because they make staying hydrated simple, clean, and effective. And I'll be honest, my kids love this stuff. They call it salty water. [chuckles] That's what my kids, uh, call it. I travel a lot, listen, and a very active lifestyle, like many of you, and I care about what I put in my body, and so LMNT helps me stay sharp and stay hydrated. What is it? It's a product that comes in, like, a little packet, and it's very salty for good reason, because your body needs salt, and it helps me keep hydrated. So sometimes I don't wanna just drink water by itself, and I will pour a packet of LMNT in there. Most of the time I do, like, half a packet so it's not too salty for me. My favorite is the lemonade flavor. My kids love the watermelon, the raspberry, and just about any of the seltzer waters. They now have, like, a pineapple flavor. My kids absolutely go crazy for it. And as parents, Sierra and I feel good about it because we're not giving them soda. There's no sugars in it. There's no artificial dyes. One of my favorite things about LMNT is that when I get that salt in my body, I'm getting electrolytes at the same time, and it's making sure I'm staying hydrated when sometimes just drinking water is hard to do. So I pour a packet in, and it hits the spot every single time. LMNT was made for people on a mission, people like me and you. And here's something cool. They're offering my listeners a free sample pack with any order. Head to drinkLMNT.com/jefferson. That's drinkLMNT.com/jefferson to try it risk-free. If you don't love it, they'll refund you, no questions asked. LMNT, smart hydration for people going places. And now back to the episode. Number three, th- this is the one that's probably going to

12. 10:11 – 11:13

    Principle #3 — Assertiveness through subtraction (less explaining, less apologizing)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:11

       blow s- a few people's minds because I'm gonna say it in a way you may not have heard before. Assertiveness is about subtraction. It's not about force, meaning assertiveness is not about what all I can do for myself and add, add, add. That, that is aggressiveness. Assertiveness subtracts, meaning it takes away the explanations. It's talking without the excessive apologies. It's talking without the explanations. It's talking without the defensiveness. It's talking without the over-explaining. You're taking away certain things to leave what is pure, leave what is direct, leave what is kind, leave what is the truth rather than trying to mask the message. Assertiveness is about subtraction. Stop trying to do too much with your conversation and what you need to say. Don't overthink it. When people add in

13. 11:13 – 13:15

    Stop over-seasoning: profanity, sarcasm, and filler can drown the message

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:13

       what I consider the salt and pepper, like over-seasoning their food. Have you ever listened to somebody sometimes and they, they cuss a lot? And I'm not here to say whether you should or, or shouldn't. Well, actually, yeah, I can say that. It's my podcast. It'd be my recommendation to let's limit that. Why? Because when you over-season your food, you can't really taste what it is. Same way in conversation. If I am cussing all the time, if I am using vulgar words, if I'm being crass, if I am, uh, am trying to hide and mask my message, nobody is going to get it If I, if I always over-season my sentences with cussing, sarcasm, whatever it is, passive-aggressive, nobody's going to get the message. They're only going to get the MSG. [laughs] The, they're, they're... Nobody's going to get the message. They are only going to taste the seasoning. That's it. It's, it... They can't eat it. Why? Because it's, it's too much. It's too much. I can't taste anything. You've ruined the palate. I hope this resonates with somebody out there. I, I, I really do. I hope somebody's nodding their head right now, that when you, when you try to do too much with your sentences, you don't sound more assertive, you sound more aggressive, and people stop listening. People will take it as rude. People will take it as unkind. People will take it in the way they want to take it. But if I have a tone that is lowered... See what I just did? If I have a tone that is lowered, if I frame ways that say, "I need. I need to tell you something that most people aren't willing to tell you." You hear how you listen more? You hear how all of a sudden you become more curious? If I use my words to subtract things rather than trying to add on too much and not cloud my sentences, if I subtract the over-explaining, the justifications, the excessive apologies, things that do not

14. 13:15 – 13:45

    Cut the adverbs: “serve your words neat” to sound confident and final

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:15

       serve me. If you want a quick note, the adverbs aren't helping your sentences. I'm not saying you can't use them all the time. They just don't make you sound assertive. If you want to sound more assertive, stop watering down your sentences. Every adverb you use is a piece of ice in the drink. What are adverbs? Those are the words that end in L-Y. Literally, basically, obviously, clearly, really, just. When you throw in adverbs into

15. 13:45 – 14:33

    Recap: the three fastest levers for confident, non-rude assertiveness

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:45

       your drink, you water it down and nobody can taste it. If you wanna sound more assertive, serve your words neat. They can actually taste what it is, and they can understand your message. That's how you sound more assertive. Now to wrap up. One, tone. Tone matters 98%. Number two, frame your sentences with "I need." I need to tell you something. I need to share something. I need. Get your foot out there. Take the first step. Everything else gets easier after that. And number three, assertiveness is about subtraction, not addition. Take away the explanations, the justifications, the over-apologies. Get rid of that and what do you have? You have clean, assertive communication without sounding rude. As always, you can try that and follow me

Episode duration: 14:33