Turn Dismissiveness Around: Words that Command Respect

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   How dismissive comments erode self-esteem—and why they’re frustrating

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Look, it was just a joke, okay? Don't take it so personally. Don't be so sensitive. Little comments like these slowly tear down your self-esteem, and on top of that, they're frustrating. So today, we're gonna talk about how to handle them. Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, please leave a review or a star or anything. Any of it helps. If you have any

2. 0:30 – 2:00

   Dismissiveness as control: the ‘you don’t get to decide what hurts’ framework

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. And I wanna make sure and tell you that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out for pre-order, and I'll put the links down in the show notes. So these are what I call dismissive comments in that they are dismissing your feelings, trying to dismiss any consequence of what they said. And in, in many ways, I want you to see these comments as them trying to control the eventual outcome. Imagine somebody, imagine me just punching you in the arm, and you go, "Ow." I go, "That didn't hurt." You ever had that happen maybe as a kid growing up, or you have a, a sibling? I know I'm, I'm the oldest of four, and that definitely happened when you're roughhousing, you're wrestling. You do something, and you go, "That didn't hurt," and they go, "Ah." "What do you, what do you mean that didn't hurt?" So I want you to imagine that in your mind, that somebody's hit you in the arm, and then they tell you, "That didn't hurt," as if they get to decide that, "Yeah, I hit you in the arm, but it didn't hurt. So no, no harm, no foul, right?" You are the one that gets to decide that, and we're gonna talk about these techniques on each one of these. And I, I want you to emphasize the idea that they don't get to just say the outcome. They don't get to say the consequence. You do. They don't get to say what hurts. You do, right? You with me? All right, let's go. So first up is, "I was just joking. I was just joking. It's just a joke." I hear that all the time.

3. 2:00 – 3:02

   Response to ‘I was just joking’: require it to actually be funny

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:00

      I know that you do too. When you get that dismissive comment back to you on something, "I was just joking," here's what I want you to do. Play off of this. If they wanna make it a joke, then it better be funny. So what I like to say is, if somebody tells you, "I was just joking," you respond, "Then make it funnier." Then make it funnier. Easy as that. That's number one. Number two, you could easily say, "Then work on your material, or find new material." How about that? "Then find new material." In other words, don't be making a joke about me. Don't be jo- making a joke about something else. If they try to say, uh, something that is hurtful to you, let's say they made a comment about your looks or your weight or your age or whatever it is, and then you kind of take offense to that, and they go, "Th- It was just a joke, okay?" As if all of a sudden they've taken away any stinger that they have. When they make that kind of stuff, you say, "Well, then find new material," or, "Was that supposed to be of the funny kind? Was that supposed to be funny?" "It was just a joke." Then be funnier. Then find new content.

4. 3:02 – 3:33

   Using ‘Was that supposed to be funny?’ to put the excuse on their heels

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      Then find new material. A- any way that you can play off the word of a joke is going to, to work to your advantage. My favorite is, "Then be funnier," because it is a reminder right there in that moment of, "If you wanted this to be a joke, that's not what it is. This, you can't just tailor a dismissive comment that's meant to be hurtful to me and just call it a joke and make sure everything is, then we're all good. Then we're all good. No, no harm, no foul," like I talked about. When that kind of stuff happens,

5. 3:33 – 5:05

   Why ‘Don’t take it personally’ is a dodge—and how to reclaim choice

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:33

      easily twist it back on them as, "Was that supposed to be funny?" or, "Was that a, the funny kind of joke?" Whenever you can ask those, those kind of things and put them on their heels to say, "That's, that's not gonna pass with me." Number two, one of my least favorite is, "Don't take it personally." "Hey, don't take it personally." Like, c- come on. Th- th- then don't say it personally. What do you, what do you mean don't take it personally? You've just said it to my face. How [laughs] , how can it not be any more personal? Um, it is, to me, one of the just, a total withdrawal of all accountability, of any ability to say, "Look, that, that was on me. You know what? I shouldn't have said that," instead of this, "Don't take it personally." I, I can't stand that comment. Here is some things that I like to use, and I know you can use them too. "I get to decide that." I love that one because it is very immediate and clear where the boundaries are. Somebody says something to you, and then they go, "Look, don't, don't take it personally." You respond, "I get to decide that." It's the whole thing of hitting you in the arm kind of concept, of, look, I, I get to decide to take it personally or not. Don't, don't tell me how to take something. If you're gonna send the paper airplane, I, I have a choice of how I'm going to catch it or if I let it fall. If you're gonna throw the, the ball at me, I, I get to choose whether I wanna catch it or I don't. It's, it's all within my choice. So having that idea

6. 5:05 – 5:35

   Stronger alternatives: ‘Don’t say it personally’ and ‘Then say it differently’

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:05

      of, "I get to decide that" puts you in the control seat every single time. Another that I like to use with "don't take it personally" is, "Don't say it personally." Don't say it personally, or, "Then say it differently." That one is a comeback that you can use with all kinds of different dismissive comments, but I like that specifically with "don't take it personally" because of it sounds like alliteration in a way. We say personally, differently. They both have the, the adverb L-Y in them, and

7. 5:35 – 7:07

   Unpacking ‘Don’t be so sensitive’: everyone is sensitive to something

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:35

      I feel that they, um, they're great at... It's a great little comeback to say, "Look, if you don't want me to take it personally, then say it differently. Say it again. Say it a different way." It's a very strong, straight up front to say, "Look, if you don't want me to take something personally, then try again. Take it, say it differently." Okay, number three is, "Don't be so sensitive." Mm. You heard that one? I know I have. Don't be so sensitive. And I, to be honest, I've definitely been one that's said that, too, and it wasn't fair. Say, "Don't be so sensitive," it is this idea that you go, "Look, don't... Can you just let things go for a bit? I just said something, all right? Do you have to turn everything into a fight? Do you have to do this?" There is a toxic element of that type of dialogue because, yes, you wanna control the reaction. That's understandable, but that is just part of the battle. That means you're not doing the work up front to think about the consequence of what you're saying or to think about how your words sound. You just expect them to go how you want them to go. You want everybody to react how you expect them to react in your head, and that's not fair. So when you say the phrase, "Don't be so sensitive," understand everybody is sensitive. Everybody is sensitive. It just depends on the topic. It depends on the context. It depends on the environment. So it's, it's subjective

8. 7:07 – 8:08

   The ‘sensing’ technique: pivot their insult into calm observation

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:07

      to everybody. So let that be what it's going to be, but when they say, "Don't be so sensitive," one thing that you can do that I love to u- to do is play off the word sense, S-E-N-S-E. Say sense. So they say, "Don't be so sensitive." "No, I'm, I'm sensing X, Y, and Z." So if somebody were to say, "Hey, look, it's just a joke. Don't, don't be so sensitive," you can reply, "No, I'm just sensing you're not that funny." You see what I mean? If somebody were to, to say an inappropriate comment, and they go, "L- don't... Like I just said it, don't, don't be so sensitive," you can reply, "Uh, no, I'm just sensing that you and I have a different idea of what's appropriate to say out loud." You feel the difference? Here you're not getting upset. You're not getting defensive. You are playing off of their words. "Oh, I'm... Don't be sensitive? No, I'm, I'm sensing. I'm sensing X, Y, and Z." And that's gonna put you in a much better position to stay steady rather than a weaker position. And the key to each

9. 8:08 – 11:09

   Don’t get defensive: why calm delivery makes you sound stronger

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:08

      one of these replies that I'm suggesting for you to try is that you cannot let yourself become defensive. I know that's easier said than done, but I want you to play it out. If you were to automatically... Somebody says, "Don't be so sensitive," and you're like, "I'm s- sensitive? I'm not sensitive. What are you talking about?" That's getting defensive, and all of a sudden you sound weaker and they sound stronger. Let me put it differently. They sound right and you sound wrong. You hear it? If you were to say, "I'm not sensitive. What are, what are you talking about? Me? I'm not, I'm not sensitive," they sound stronger, you sound weaker. Instead, when you can stay exactly where you are and say, "No, I'm, I'm just sensing that y- you and I have a different idea of, of what's okay to say to each other," oof, I mean, that is, that is a verbal punch. I mean, that, that is a, such a stronger position to keep in that instance. So any time that somebody says, "Don't take it personally," and you, you scoff at that, you get upset at that, you look weaker. If they were to say, "Don't be so sensitive," if, if they were to say anything else that is a dismissive comment like, "It was just a joke," and you, "A joke? That, that..." And you start to get sw- sw- uh, you swell up about it and get defensive and start putting up your walls, the more it looks like you are exactly what they say you are. The more it looks like you're more sensitive. The more it looks like you're taking it, uh, literally, that you are everything that they say. So you have to make sure that you keep your breath calm, right? And I want you to stay exactly where you are. Try your best to not get defensive. It will really, really make a difference. Now we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to email me and ask me questions, and in return I'm able to respond to them. So if you wanna be part of that, in the show notes you'll see the links for the newsletter. I'm also pumped to say that my, this portion of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth makes cozy things, and I said yes to them as a sponsor because I use their stuff. Their bedsheets are on my bed. I didn't even realize it when I got into the car, but this is a Cozy Earth sweatshirt, believe it or not. I, I had no clue. I didn't even think about it. But it's just cozy. It's, it's warm, it's fuzzy, and especially going into the cold holidays, it, uh, it really is something that I enjoy. So if you are somebody who also likes cozy things like me, I want you to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. Just use the code Jefferson, 40% off, cozyearth.com/jefferson. And my wife loves their pajamas. Those are her new favorite thing right now. All right, we're gonna go into the, the call. So

10. 11:09 – 12:10

    Listener question: dealing with a coworker who always says ‘just joking’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:09

       this is a, a follower. Let me pull it up. This is Scott from Detroit. Where's Detroit? Is that near Michigan. Michigan. Of course. Detroit. Uh, I feel like I should Google that probably, but, um, before I just say that... And yes, it is in Michigan. Oh, I was gonna be so embarrassed and have to redo this. All right, so this is Scott. Scott says, "Hey, bro." Hey, bro. "Love your content. I have a problem at work. There's somebody next to me who always likes to say, 'I was just joking.'" So it's a guy who says, "I'm just joking" to everything. "Not really sure how to come back to that. I kind of just laugh it off, but it's starting to get really annoying, and any tips would help." Scott in Detroit, Michigan, I got you, man. So this is what I, I want you to, to do. Any time that somebody is doing that, "I was just joking," like we talked about earlier in the episode, you can say,

11. 12:10 – 12:40

    Workplace calibration: direct ‘be funnier’ vs. protecting the relationship

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:10

       "Well, then be funnier," or, "Then find new material In more personal settings sometimes, it f- it might feel too direct. It might feel... Like, if you were to tell the guy next to you in the cubicle or wherever you are at work and you go, "Then be, be funnier, dude," it, that might hurt your relationship. Understand sometimes that's okay because they need to understand where their boundaries are in that relationship. If there's other ways that you find that this is increasingly

12. 12:40 – 14:42

    The ‘I’m surprised’ script: a subtle, high-impact way to shut it down

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:40

       getting hurt, uh, it's hurting you, it's hurting the dynamic, it's hurting productivity and your whole workplace, then you gotta say something. You gotta do it. So you can always try the, "Then be funnier," or, "Then work on your material," or something to that effect. Or here's another one that I, I encourage you to use, Scott, and this one is, "I'm surprised," or, "I'm surprised by that." So if he was saying something, he's like, "I'm just, I was just joking, just joking." Well, you go, "I'm s- well, I'm surprised." "What do you mean?" Say, "I'm, I'm, I'm just surprised." And they go, "Surprised by what?" In other words, you're gonna continue this dialogue a little bit just at that he might already start to try and fix what he said. If you go, "What? What are you... Why, I'm, I'm surprised," automatically he might already start to fumble over his words, might try and retract and go, "Oh, w- w- what I meant to say was..." and, and steer away from it, and fix it and realize, "Oh, I'm not gonna do that again." But if you continue this dialogue you can easily say, like, "I'm, I'm just surprised you, I'm surprised you went with that. I'm surprised you went with that." That's the one. Say, "I'm surprised." You have a little bit of interaction. You go, "I'm just surprised you, you went with that one." You hear that? It's them not knowing what to do. That's what that sound is, and all they know is, "I'm not gonna be joking around with Scott again in that way." Not that you can't be funny, not that you can't have this interaction, but when it gets to be hurtful you have to put up some kind of wall, a barrier, an instruction manual to say, "This is not okay with me." So one that I want you to use, Scott, next time that happens is you go, "I'm surprised. I'm surprised by that." Eventual thing is, "I'm surprised you went with that. I'm surprised you think that's okay." You hear it? When you say, "I'm surprised," you can come up with any response that you want, Scott. I'm just a guy giving you some suggestions, but if you can say, "I'm surprised by that," and then you're engaged, you

13. 14:42 – 15:28

    Closing: reinforce boundaries and invite engagement

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:42

       have them, and then say, "I'm surprised you, you went with that," or, "Surprised you think that's okay," or, "I'm surprised that you've said that out loud." See the difference? Now you don't have to have that, [laughs] "Oh, that's a good one," that kinda interaction when you know that's not genuine and you know it's fake, and most of all, Scott, you know that it's tearing down your self-esteem. So I'd go with that, and, uh, I think it's gonna work out really well for you. Thank you for listening to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's podcast, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, leave a review or a star or a like or whatever you can. It, it really, really makes a difference. If you have any suggestions for a topic, just throw them in the comments and I'm definitely gonna be reading those. I, I read those almost every day. And as always, you can try that and follow me

Episode duration: 15:28