EVERY SPOKEN WORD
20 min read · 3,518 words- 0:00 – 0:30
Why conversation dominators are so draining (and what this episode will fix)
- JFJefferson Fisher
Now, we all know people that no matter the conversation, they always find a way to talk about themselves. And even if it's not about themselves, it's always seems to be their voice that takes up the entire conversation. On today's episode, we're discussing how to handle people who dominate conversations. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, please
- 0:30 – 1:31
Step 1: Interrupt—using their name to reliably break the monologue
- JFJefferson Fisher
leave a review. If you have a suggestion for any kind of topic that you'd like to see covered, just throw it in the comments and I'll be sure to read it. I also wanna let you know that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out for pre-order, and you can find links down there in the show notes. When it comes to somebody dominating a conversation, and not in the good way, as in they're not letting anybody else speak, they're the ones always having to hear their own voice, there are some things I need you to do. Number one, interrupt them. You interrupt that person. Now, I know it doesn't sound like me to suggest that, but it's true because if they're not going to respect your time, then you have to do it, and there's a particular way I want you to do that. You interrupt them by using their name. You start low and then you go higher because people listen to their name. Their name gets their attention. It's the best word they can ever hear is their name. So if I were to hear you and I... or somebody was listening to me and I just said, "Hey, Jefferson. Jefferson. Jefferson." You say
- 1:31 – 2:01
Step 2: “Filter and pass” to redirect the floor without escalation
- JFJefferson Fisher
it as often and as loud as you need to because it will eventually make them stop. Number two, when they do stop, I want you to filter and pass it. Here's what I mean. Filter, as in you're going to summarize what they just said very quickly and then pass it to somebody else to say, "Hey, I totally hear you. I understand what you're just saying. I'm curious to hear what Bob has to say or what Susie has to say," or you turn it on yourself, "My thoughts are..." And number three, if they're still dominating the conversation, then you gotta put a time limit on it. You have to find a way to get out of there because
- 2:01 – 2:31
Step 3: Use a time limit when they won’t stop (and exit if needed)
- JFJefferson Fisher
you're not reaching them. So it's as easy as saying, "Hey, I've got about five more minutes and then I need to get going. I need to do other things." But time limit is the only way to make sure that they're just gonna continue to talk as long as they have an audience. And at the end of it, you just have to understand when somebody's dominating the conversation, it's not a, it's not a two-way street. It's a one-way street. It's a monologue, and you didn't buy a ticket to hear it. So if they're not going to respect the way conversations should happen, it's time that you respect yourself. And most of the time, these kind of scenarios
- 2:31 – 4:02
Where this shows up most: Meetings—especially Zoom—and the productivity cost
- JFJefferson Fisher
happen in meetings. Zoom meeting, in-person meeting, it doesn't matter. Where I see it most is in Zoom meetings because, uh, now after COVID with everything, a lot of the legal world has moved to Zoom where everything is virtual, and I'm sure that's the same way in your world. But what typically happens is that there is, let's say, a dozen people, 10 people, eight people on the Zoom, and before you know it, it's just one person talking the entire time. It's one person who always has an opinion. It's one person who always has to feel like they're contributing to the conversation way more than their share. And they think truly inside themselves, they just don't have the emotional intelligence to realize that people aren't really... They're kinda getting tired of you talking the entire time. That filter isn't there for them, so they just, they keep talking the entire time. And in meetings especially, you have to make sure that person doesn't do that because it'll just kill your meeting. It, it'll, it'll ruin it. It will, it will reduce productivity. It will get people aggravated. You know that feeling where all of a sudden they, they need to comment again and everybody kinda lets out a sigh like, "Great. This person again. Oh, geez, I wish we could just go..." It, it, it'll absolutely ruin your, your meeting and the productivity and where you wanna go. So when that kinda thing happens, you have to step out in front of it the first time. If you just let them drone on because you're afraid to offend them, you're afraid to, uh, come out in front and feel like that's being
- 4:02 – 5:03
What’s driving the behavior: insecurity and overcompensation
- JFJefferson Fisher
too direct, then you just have to be okay with a bad meeting because it's, it's not going to happen. Also, understand that when people are dominating the conversation, it's often a sense of insecurity. Like most things, we feel that the more we talk, the more intelligent we are, the more people will see how smart we are, how much we're trying to contribute. But often, what I find in meetings is the person who speaks the most is typically the one that knows the least. It's the person who's the least out of touch, so they have to overcompensate and feel like everybody around them can have some kind of faith in them, so they, they talk a whole lot. But often, the more you say, it just shows the less that you know. So you're gonna be careful about that in your next meeting. But here's the takeaway. When somebody's dominating and trying to control the conversation, you have to step out in front of it quickly because if you don't, it can, it can go south in a hurry. And I hear some of you already going, "Jefferson, I don't, I don't feel comfortable interrupting
- 5:03 – 6:34
How to interrupt without offending: label the interruption explicitly
- JFJefferson Fisher
this person. I don't, I don't feel comfortable interrupting them. They're gonna get upset if I interrupt them." No, they're not. They're gonna wanna stop and listen. Maybe they might be a little bit frustrated, but your purpose is true, and here's how I'm going to help you with that. When you need to interrupt somebody, there's a difference between me just starting to share my thought. Let's say, for example, you're talking to me, telling me a story, and I've heard this story a million times. There's a difference between me cutting in and going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we, we all know. We all know, okay?" And then just ignoring you and continue to go on with my thought. That's gonna upset you, right? That's gonna make you feel like, "Oh, they just, they just interrupted me. They just cut me off." But if I were to use your name and say, "Jefferson, I need to interrupt you," all of a sudden it doesn't feel like an interruption because I told you what it is. I told you that I'm interrupting you. And I know we've discussed this before on the podcast on how to handle interruptions, but it's the same, same true for people who dominate conversations. If I tell you that I'm interrupting you, if I say, "I know I'm interrupting," or, "I need to interrupt you," nobody takes offense to it because here you're acknowledging what you're doing. It's, it's the acknowledgment of the formality and say, "Yes, I understand." Typically, I should not be interrupting. I should be hearing you out. And in this case, you have to because they're not respecting the formality of I say something, then you say something, I say something, you say something. It's, it's just all about them. So if you took... Think about it in a pie chart, there's
- 6:34 – 7:34
Re-setting expectations: don’t let them take 98% of the ‘pie’
- JFJefferson Fisher
these people who control the conversation to hear their own voice a lot of ways, and they're totally fine with taking up 98% of the pie and leaving 2% to you, really for that 2% to tell them how great they are or how smart they are. We're not gonna be doing that. Here, it's as simple as using their name because it's going to get their attention. They're gonna perk up to that, to when you say, "Hey, Jefferson," they're, it's gonna automatically turn, turn to you. They're gonna look at you, especially the more you raise your voice in that way. But you're gonna do it kind. You're not gonna do it in a way that is rough or rude or just exasperated. That's gonna, that's gonna make it go further south. Here, you are pulling them back in, in a way, nudging them back in to how a conversation is supposed to go, es- especially one that you're going to be involved in. Because understand, what you're doing here is also informing them, "Hey, if you wanna have a conversation with me, this is how this is gonna go. I'm gonna say something. You're gonna say something, and we're gonna acknowledge each other points. I'm
- 7:34 – 8:35
Critical rule: Don’t apologize for the boundary
- JFJefferson Fisher
not here, I didn't buy a ticket to listen to the show where I just sit, and you get to say everything, and I have to be quiet." That's not it. Here, you are showing them your manual. If, if you wanna communicate with me, this is how you're going to do it. So when you use their name, it gets their attention, and it's easy way, if you feel like you're being too direct, to tell them, "I need to interrupt you." Mind, this is a big key. This is a big key point of this, mind you. Do not apologize. Look at me. Listen to me. Don't apologize. Don't say, "I, I'm so, I'm so sorry to interrupt you." You are not sorry for it. You are not sorry for it. Here, you need to do it. It is them that has put you in this position, so you're not gonna apologize for having a boundary. You're not gonna apologize for needing to take a stance and say, "This, this can't continue." Cool? So you're not gonna say, "I'm sorry." It is, "I need to interrupt you." That, that is as simple as that. Or, "I'm interrupting
- 8:35 – 11:06
Why summarizing matters: acknowledge them before you redirect
- JFJefferson Fisher
you. I know I'm interrupting you." Both of those will even allow them to go, "Okay, I'm listening." It'll totally turn it to you, and they're not gonna take offense to it because you're acknowledging it in the moment. And one point I want to make very clear is that once you interrupt them and filter and pass it, part of that is the acknowledgement. It is key that when you need to take the conversation away from somebody who is dominating and monopolizing the conversation, you acknowledge what they have said. Summarize it very briefly, even if just one sentence, because it, it... Otherwise, they're going to feel totally shut down and dismissed, and it's going to lead to negative things. I don't want that for you. You can simply cure that b- by summarizing what they just said. For example, let's assume that, um, you are talking to me on a given topic, and I interrupt you. Let's say your name's Jefferson. Weird name. Such a lame name. [laughs] And I need to interrupt you, and I just go, "Hey, hey Jefferson, Jefferson." And then all of a sudden, I just start, cut off my thought, and I go, "Hey, hey Jefferson, I, I wanna hear what Lauren has to say about this." You s- You hear how all of a sudden I just felt... You, you feel cut off from me? If I were to say, "Hey, Jefferson, yeah, I wanna, yeah, I, I wanna hear what Greg has to say," you're gonna feel cut off immediately. Instead, if I said, "Hey, Jefferson, I hear you. I, I agree that this point and that point and that point," or, "I, I hear you that this is something that is frustrating you. I don't disagree. I'd like to hear what so-and-so has to say, um, on this point." Here I just, I f- I summarize it. I say, "Thank you for what you've shared." Again, I'm distilling it to the important point, and then I pass it to somebody else. Or you can pass it to yourself easily. It's just as simple as, as saying, "Hey, Jefferson, I, I hear your point. I, I'm not saying I agree with it. My thought here is blah, blah, blah." I- You're just taking it because you've acknowledged what they've said, and then now you're passing it on to the next one because they're not sharing the ball, right? They're, they're hogging the ball the, the entire time. So it's on you to kinda kindly take it from their hands and pass it on to continue playing the game. Otherwise, nothing is going to happen. I also
- 11:06 – 12:37
Grace and context: when dominating isn’t intentional (age, loneliness, neurodivergence)
- JFJefferson Fisher
wanna make sure and add a disclaimer in here that people who monopolize conversations and, and dominate them, it's not necessarily on purpose. It goes back to what I originally said is it's an insecurity. Bottom line, it's an insecurity type thing that they don't realize how much they're talking. I find in my world that it is people who get older in life that don't realize how much they're talking. It is also the plain sense of let's just, let's, let's approach that situation, that situation with some grace so that you may be the only person they've spoken to. You, you might be... If it's somebody who's, um, older, and they haven't seen anybody today, and you're now the one that's gonna be talking to them, they might have a week's worth of information, of stories and things that they just want to share because in that moment, they have a reason for feeling like they're alive and valuable and important and, and you're gonna be the one, the, the focus in that. If that's the kind of situation, then you just need to be patient. It's that moment where instead of going, "Oh, this is such a waste of time," being reflective of saying, "I need to slow down a little bit. What, what's here for me?" So understand there's always two sides of the same coin, especially for even people that are neurodivergent and they have ADHD. Maybe, um, they have other kinds of, um, issues that make it difficult in the way their brain functions to not stop talking, and that's, that's
- 12:37 – 15:09
Listener question: Handling a boss who dominates meetings
- JFJefferson Fisher
nothing... That does not mean that it's a weakness. It just means it's something to learn and to deal with, uh, and differently, and that, that's my whole point of this episode. It's not that people who dominate conversations are evil and terrible. It is simply that it happens naturally with everybody, including yourself, and that just means it's, it's something to handle and react to and respond to in a very productive and efficient way. All right, we're now at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to email me, and I'm able to email them back. And those that ask questions that are applicable to whatever podcast I'm gonna make, I am able to pick one out and tell you about it. So this is me reading it pretty much in real time. This one comes from... Oh, also, if you wanna be part of the newsletter, I put, put the link in the show notes, so love for you to join it. All right, this one comes from Elise. Elise is in the UK. I assume it's pronounced Elise. All right. It says, "Jefferson, thank you so much for your tips. They are lovely." Well, thank you, Elise. "I have an issue with a coworker, actually a boss, who likes to a- dominate the meeting, is always talking, and it's bor- quite boring, actually [laughs] . And I'm not sure how to handle it. Would love any of your advice. Uh, cheers." Well, that is a very lovely email. Thanks, Elise. I totally get you on when s- a boss is, a superior is talking too much, at least that is, that's hard. That's a little bit different because you don't really have any authority. They're the ones that it's within their scope, or they're the ones that are superior and higher level, and so they have the, the freedom to say what they wanna say. If it's their meeting, they can run the meeting how they so choose, and that's just the simple truth. If you want to turn it down a little bit with somebody who's a superior, I would recommend that you, if you can, try to limit the method of the communication. So if it needs to be an email, ask for you to join by email, ask for you to join by Zoom so you can, you know, maybe turn your camera off and do other things. There's not really too much you can do with a superior. You can interrupt them, but that, that goes to the, the relationship you have. If you're superior, that your, your manager is cool with you, you say, "Hey, look, I, I need to interrupt you. My thoughts are X, Y, and
- 15:09 – 17:09
Practical exits with a boss: thank them + tie a time limit to work priorities
- JFJefferson Fisher
Z." As long as you are acknowledging them. And one tip I would highly recommend, Elise, is one thing that can get you out of a conversation where somebody is dominating it, but you still wanna leave it on good terms and you don't wanna offend everybody, is thanking them, just simply thanking them. "Hey, thank you for telling me that. Thank you for sharing that with me." It is an indication when you say thank you that it is over. Most of the time, when you say, "Hey, thank you so much for sharing that with me," it's kind of a reprieve, and they stop, and then you can get out of the conversation if you need to. It allows you to kinda have an out. So when you say thank you to somebody, it's like getting, um, a gift, as if you're t- telling them that the whole conversation they just had with you was a, a gift in some way. So they gave it to you, and you're saying, "Hey, thank you so much for telling me that. Thank you for sharing that with me." And now you can kinda transition to, "Look, I, I need to get going. I have X, Y, and Z." Another thing to do with, um, a boss, again, it just depends on the scope, time limit. Like I said in number three here on this, this episode, time limit is your friend. And if you can put the time limit and associate it with something you have to do, like, uh, some work that you have to get done, an email that you need to get out, a project that you have on, they can't really complain about it, um, because here you're saying, "Hey, look, I, I know I need to... I know I'm interrupting you. I ha- I have about five more minutes and then I need to get back to X, Y, and Z so I can make sure and finish this today," finish the report like you wanted, get that done, meet your expectations. When you can tie it to something with work, they're not gonna complain about it. And if anything, it's gonna give you a, a little bit of some space and the people around you so that the other person isn't controlling the entirety of the conversation. So hopefully that, that doesn't happen, uh, too often with you, and, uh, I know that those little tips right there, they're, they are gonna help you, Elise. I really appreciate your question. All right, thank you for listening
- 17:09 – 17:52
Wrap-up: The 3-part toolkit—interrupt, filter & pass, time-limit
- JFJefferson Fisher
to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast. And if you would, please rate it or give it a review, a star, a thumbs up, anything helps. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I'm the one that looks at them and really appreciates it. And those that listen, uh, every week, every month, I... It means so much to me, truly, from me to you, thank you very much. Today, we learned how to handle people who dominate conversations. We learned the right way to interrupt them using their name. We talked about filtering what they said and summarizing and passing it. And if you need to, you can always put a time limit on the conversation. And as always, you can try that and follow me.
Episode duration: 17:52
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