What to Say When Texts Go Badly

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Format shift: analyzing real texts and emails to improve hard conversations

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Today we're trying something different. I am looking at text messages and emails from people who are having a very difficult time in a conversation, both at work and at home, and they're not sure how to navigate them. And it's my goal here to try and help. So if you have a, a conversation right now and it's in text message form or an email that you can screenshot it, there is a link in the description that you can send it to me, and I can help in any way I can, navigate, guide, and give advice for how to handle that conversation.

2. 0:30 – 3:02

   Family keepsake dispute: dad’s emotionally intelligent boundary about a childhood doll

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      Okay, this one is a adult child asking her parents for a doll back that is at her parents' house that she had growing up and she wants to give it to her daughter. This is dad responding, "I talked with Mom about the doll. I understand this may bring up sadness or frustration." One, I like that. I like that language. "I understand this may bring up sadness and frustration." Getting that out loud. "This isn't about anger or withholding because we don't see you." I underst- I, I like that language. What this isn't about is X, Y, and Z. "We're just not ready to let go of these memories." Man, that's honest. That's a really vulnerable statement. "They represent a time in our family that we miss deeply, including you. I hope you can understand that even if you don't fully agree." [sighs] I have to say hats off to Dad on the statement that says, "I, I understand, I can see, I sense here is a time that we miss and we miss you, and we're having a really hard time that we don't wanna let go of these memories." He continues, "Those memories of you kids are precious to us, especially after losing," what I assume is a brother, "and with your family choosing to remain distant from our lives." Man, that's, that's deep. "The things we still have from when you kids were growing up mean everything to us. They are really all we have left." Whew, that hits. "If you ever wanna reconnect, we would really welcome that. I'm not trying to pressure you, just leaving the door open." Awesome language. "I pray for this every single day. Love you, Dad." Okay, full stop. I, I need to give credit to this dad's text message. There are thousands of kids who wish their father had this amount of emotional empathy, understanding, patience, and to say, "Hey, I see you, and I know this is gonna bring up frustration. I'm telling you what's going on. The door is open. This is what... This is all we have to bring onto. This is all we have to grab onto." I think this is an excellent text

3. 3:02 – 5:05

   Daughter’s measured reply and the “past vs future” framing option

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      message to be able to piece together. So hats off to him. Daughter responds fairly, "It is also a very strong source of memories of my childhood, and I wanted to pass it to my children." She's ends with, "I'll leave it alone." Now, I like that she adds to the conversation rather than pointing it down. She doesn't attack Dad. She adds to the conversation. She says, "It is also..." Meaning, "Hey, this is also on the table." She doesn't begin with, "No, it's not," or, "Who cares?" or, "I don't care." There's not an attack. It says, "It is also a very strong source of memories for, of my childhood and I wanted to pass it on to my children. I will leave it alone." Now, that's her option. That's her choice to just simply drop it, leave it alone. You know what? It's not that big of a deal. I'm gonna pick my battles. I'm not gonna make a thing of it. And you know what? That's also a very mature way of, of handling this. I approve of that short, concise... She keeps it very brief, "I'll leave it alone," by also saying, "Hey, this is what something I would have wanna have for my kids." Another option should she have wanted to bring this up is to say, "It's not about the memories or the past that we're holding onto. It's also about the future that we're building." Yeah. Uh, of course, they would probably, the parents would in, in a heartbeat replace this doll that they have, these memories, these childhood toys with an actual relationship with their, their child, but that's not gonna happen, so they're, they're grasping on to anything. So the deeper question is, is it about the past that you're holding onto or is it about the future that you're building with future generations, the future love that you want to put into your life, the, the, the abundance that there is for you to add, add more with this, this daughter's children and the memories of, of what she's wanting to have? I need to say this is a very... It,

4. 5:05 – 7:37

   Shared inbox micromanagement: shutting down a peer’s unsolicited oversight

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:05

      I think this is a respectful conversation. I think this seeks understanding and clarity from both sides, and her option to eventually leave it alone is, is hers to choose. So I, I, I'd say bravo to her for realizing it's not a battle she ultimately wants to pick, and I'd say very much kudos to the father for laying this out in a very, um, kind, compassionate way. All right, here we go. Jefferson, you'll love this one. "A person I share a, a mailbox with, an inbox, email inbox with, reads every email I send," like her sent outbox, "and then tells me what to say next time or what she would have done. [chuckles] I've been in the role three years and she's been in it longer, though we are on the same level. I shouldn't have responded I know, but I did." Oh my gosh. Let me see what this is. Okay, here's, here the other lady says, "In case you get more people asking about whether directors can approve things now under the new g-gations," and a bunch of legal jargon. Obviously, she only knows this because she reads this lady's outbound sent box. Um- This lady says, or, um, the response says, "Oh, I keep forgetting you read every email I send. No time for that." The other lady says, "Oh, not at all. Not all of them." The other lady says, "Not all of them by any means. Not even most. Only incoming ones generally, not outgoing. Um, I only look at the subject line or the first line that's visible as a preview if I happen to pop into the, the mailbox when it's there. I just saw what they were asking." Um, and the response is, "Not reading that." That was her response, "Not reading that." Secretly, I love that. I love that she's like, "Nah, I don't even care. I'm, I'm not reading that. I'm not even, I'm not even giving that the time of day." Here this lady is... They have a shared email inbox and outbox, and she goes back and reads her sent mail and then goes on top of her to say, "Hey, this is what you should have said. This is what you should have done." And her response after getting some lame excuse is, "I'm not reading that." [laughs] "I'm not reading that." Uh, two thumbs up from me. And here's the difference. She's being critiqued by her coworker that's on the same level as she is. It would be different if she's being micromanaged by a superior, a manager, a boss, but she's being micromanaged by somebody who's doing the same thing that she is. Th- there's no reason

5. 7:37 – 9:08

   How to confront the coworker directly: ‘When you…, I feel…’ and naming the impact

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:37

      to be putting up with somebody who's trying to micromanage and control everything about it and going back and saying, "Oh, what you should have said was this. What you... What I would have done is X, Y, and Z," and they're on the same plane as you. I think what this lady says, uh, this message that she's giving, "Not reading that," is saying, "Hey, I'm not, I'm not putting up with that. No, I'm not gonna do that." Um, I'm, I'm, I'm in support of this message. And to take this a step further, what the, uh, the person whose sent mail is being read by this coworker, I, I would challenge you to say, have a conversation and begin with, "When you, I feel..." "Hey, when you come back and tell me what I should have said or I... what you would have said or some context of that is obviously some attempt to try and sway how I communicate, it makes me feel controlled. It makes me feel micromanaged. It makes me feel like you think I'm incompetent. When you come over and Monday morning quarterback my own messages, it makes me feel as though you don't think I am competent and capable of performing my job, and that really upsets me." That's an honest conversation because I can tell from these messages, this is probably somebody who's just a busy, a nosy busybody who is trying to be in everybody's business, who n-needs to be reminded that that's not helpful and that's not welcome. And when you make that very clear through an honest conversation, things can have a way of turning for the better. But this, "Not

6. 9:08 – 10:09

   Passive-aggressive PTO approval: reading between the lines of ‘It’s your call’

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:08

      reading that," uh, that's a great way to start. All right, this one is, uh, about a employee's email to a boss. "Hey, Jefferson, I sent an email to my boss about taking time off the week after my birthday on August seventh. He just sent me this reply. I haven't taken P... I, I haven't taken PTO during the summer, and I've worked in this company for 13 years. Never taken PTO during the summer." The response message subject line is, "Time off." "It's your call if you think you have earned the time and it's appropriate to take a week off for a birthday." Talk about a passive-aggressive line of text. If it's, it's your call if you think you've earned this and you think it's appropriate to take a week off for a birthday. Man, you get that, you say, "Yes. Actually, I do think it's appropriate. Thank you so much. I was hoping you'd say that." Here's, here's

7. 10:09 – 12:40

   Defusing passive aggression with ‘It sounds like…’ and moving to a real conversation

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:09

      one way to respond to a passive-aggressive comment. Respond with, "It seems like... It sounds like..." For example, "It sounds like you don't agree with the decision to take time off. It sounds like you have, uh, you disagree with this. It sounds like you have a reason for that statement." Whenever you say, "It seems like... It sounds like..." you're hinting at, hey, there's something else behind the, the, the feelings here that you're picking up on that they are not saying. That would require a conversation. It would require... I, I, I would suggest a phone call, an in-person meeting to say, "Hey, you know that I've been here 13 years. I've been working here a long time. Is there something that I'm missing? Is there something else you would like to see to help you feel like I have earned the time and the appropriateness to take off on my PTO time for my birthday during the summer?" Having that conversation of, is there anyth- is there anything else? Is there something that would make you feel more comfortable? I, I don't... I'm not trying to rock the boat. I'm not trying to create an issue. I want this to be your call, too. I want us, this for, uh, both of us to be involved in this decision, and not to where I feel like it's a yes and you're gonna be resentful and it's always gonna be these backhanded type of, you know, comments like this. Sounds like you disagree with this decision. It feels like you disagree or you have other feelings and opinions on this. Can we meet tomorrow to discuss this on the phone? Uh, can we meet in person to talk about this? And then there you are able to have the conversation of when I read your, your message- It felt like there were some other feelings that you... It, it caused you some heartburn, and I wanna make sure that's not there. What else could I do to help you feel like I've earned, on top of the 13 years I've been here, a week off for my birthday? Which I'm, I'm certainly not trying to make a habit. I've showed my, my loyalty in that I've been part of this, and I want to be, and I would love it if this is something you're

8. 12:40 – 13:41

   Sponsor break: Athena executive assistant solution

   1. JFJefferson Fisher12:40

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9. 13:41 – 14:42

   Grandmother postcard conflict: a simple question triggers a loaded rupture

   1. JFJefferson Fisher13:41

      if the kids, the grandkids, her grandkids, received some postcards that she sent. Um, the context is they've tried counseling a few years. It didn't go very well, and so they, they don't text and communicate all that often. Um, the mom says, "Happy Sunday. Did the girls receive their postcards from London?" Son responds, "I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards." He could have just said, "I don't know," or, "Yes," or, "No." Could just answer... That wasn't an invitation for that sharp of a p- of a cut. I mean, that's a, that's a very acute angle to come right into. She's asking, "Did the girls receive their postcards?" And it's, "I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards." Yeah, that, that's unnecessary. That's hurtful. I would rather you not respond

10. 14:42 – 18:15

    Text-message wildfire: ‘you’ language, blame loops, and compound damage

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:42

       at all to it, m- or respond very briefly and just answer the question rather than sending that, 'cause what you've just done, what the son's done is just open up a whole can of worms, which is evidenced by the following. Mom then says, "Just because you have a problem with me, it would be unfortunate if you let that affect the daughters' relationship with me," um, her, her grand, uh, daughters. "You will have to answer for your choices, so I hope you think about the consequences of your choices." Okay, this is, uh, alarm, big alarm number two, okay? If you read how many times she... the mom says you in this, "Just because you have a problem with me, be fortunate if you let that affect the relationship. You will have to answer for your choices, and I hope you think about the consequences of your choices." Six times in two sentences she mentions the word you. That should send fire alarm sounds. Uh, uh, there should be blaring warning signs all across the board that what, what she's propping up is, is just pouring gasoline on a fire that, that he started. That it was some friction, and now it's gonna turn ugly. He says, "You don't have a relationship with any of us. That was your decision. If you have no interest in building a healthy relationship, we will not have a relationship." Meanwhile, my man, she just asked, "Did the girls receive the postcards?" And you're already shutting it down. I mean, a, a postcard is, uh, just something that's, uh, simple, a, a thinking, thinking of you. It's, it's, it's not a, an offensive gesture. "You don't have any relationship with any of us. That was your decision." Most likely, that was probably two-way. There's a two-way street there. "If you have no interest in building a healthy relationship, we will not have a relationship." Okay, this is, this is getting really... It, it, it could've just stopped there and let that breathe, but they are sending it rapid fire. And here she goes, "I've tried. I've apologized. I have forgiven, uh, your over-the-top disrespect," it says, "you had for me as a child. What... I don't know what more do you want?" Man, how many times has that in a family argument caused way more pain? Anything that follows after the question of, "What else do you want from me?" does not go well. That's a hypothetical question. That is a frus- That is a question out of anger, out of resentment, out of fear, out of frustration, out of, of loss, okay? And, and all it says is nothing positive when, when you, when you face that on the other side of it. A- and what she has, um, "You used me for this. I did this. I did chores. I did this. I did this. You don't need me for anything." Uh, that's some, that's some big vulnerable... I feel like that's some big feelings behind all this. "You don't need me for anything now that you are big shot, so we don't have a relationship, and I have accepted that." So here the son says, "You're the reason why we don't have a relationship." And she goes, "What are you talking about? What else do you want from me? I've done everything." "You're the reason why." "No, you're the reason why we don't have a relationship." So both of them are, are pointing towards you, you, you, and they're escalating this. Now, I'm, I'm seeing for the first time at least some better- language to this and,

11. 18:15 – 20:16

    The only useful boundary arrives late: ‘I’m not having this conversation via text’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher18:15

       and, and it's this. The son says, "I'm not having this conversation via text, and I'm not having it right now." Pfft. Man, I wish he would've taken that sentence and moved it way up to the top. If he wasn't in, if he wasn't in a place to have this, he could've s- spared a lot of problems by that sentence and putting it at the top. I wish, I wish this th- this was the only sentence of this response. It wasn't. He enter new paragraph. Oh. "I've never heard an apology or even acknowledgement that you realize how toxic your words and actions have been, including these today." Enter new paragraph. "Again, I'm not interested in a unhealthy relationship. You aren't entitled to access to me or my family." That's true. "Get help. Please stop texting me." Oh, okay. When you tell somebody, "Get help. Please, get help," do you think they put any blame on themselves? Do you think that all of a sudden you become the white knight of like, "Hey, be well, please. Get help for yourself. Stop texting me"? Well, it's easy to say please stop texting me after, you know, looks like four different responses by him engaging in, in the communication. If he had just said, "I'm not having this conversation via text right now. I, I, I will communicate with you later," period, that would've saved so much harm than what he just did. Here she says, "Love is a choice. I choose to love you." I like that. "But from a distance, because I don't deserve any more abuse ever from anybody." Man, there is something to be said for the text and response that goes too far because it creates so much more damage. It's like compound interest. It, it's the pain is compounded. The anger, the frustration, the hurt compounds. People have this all the time with parents and adult children where there's miscommunication, and that is, "What do you want from me? I've done all this. I've done all

12. 20:16 – 22:49

    What should have happened instead: brief answers, delays, and respecting both sides

    1. JFJefferson Fisher20:16

       that." Here's what I would've wanted to, to see. When she says, "Happy Sunday. Did the girls receive their postcards from London?" I would've wanted to s- see either, one, a, "Hey, uh, I'd rather not have this conversation via text. I'll communicate with you a little bit later." I would've rather seen a simple answer to her question, "Yes, they did. Thank you," and leave it at that. Or three, just leave it alone for a few days and respond later when you're more controlled, not in a, "If I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards." That is a slam the door in your face and totally is opposite of the person that says, "Hey, you haven't apologized to me, and, um, you're the one that needs to get help, and if you have no interest in building a healthy relationship, we will not have a relationship." In other words, "Hey, this is all on you." Here, at least she's trying, and the door just got slammed in her face, and also she says some things that did not help her. Um, don't communicate on text with these type of issues. It creates pain, and it creates a record. It creates a, a historic record that you go back and you look at this text message, and when you're, when you're upset, you go back and look at it, and you're hurt again. And every time you talk to them, you, you go back and you look at it again, and you keep it with you. It b- it, it becomes the, "Remember when you said this?" I wanna emphasize, I don't know all the context. I don't know in the past what this mother has done or what this son has done. I am only reading the text message and the message as it comes and looking at it from a communication standpoint. So when he says, "I don't know if this relationship can be repaired, but if so, the first step isn't sending postcards," what that tells me is that there are much deeper feelings at play. He responded so hot. He came on so strong to a simple question of, "Did the girls receive their postcards from London?" He, he, he, he took what was a, a level one question and turned it into a level 13 response, and that disparity, that difference says there are much bigger issues at play, and we just don't know about those. And in truth, I can see both sides. I, I can see from the grandmother's side of saying, "Hey, I, I d- I want a relationship with my granddaughters." I also see that the son is absolutely entitled to say, "Hey, look, I,

13. 22:49 – 26:21

    Rent reminder blow-up: responding to ‘Why can’t you just be a nice person?’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher22:49

       I, I'm not giving you access to my grandkids right now. This is, this is where we are as a family." And I, I can respect both sides here. I can understand both sides. What I'm looking at is the way in which words are being used to either gain connection or pull it apart. Okay, this is a DM from somewhat, somebody talking about a friend's daughter. "My friend's daughter is 22, living at home, studying law and working at a law firm. She works very hard but does not help at home or pay rent for food or accommodation. Uh, recently, the mom has asked her daughter to pay rent, like $50 a week. Uh, daughter paid one week and now is 10 days late for the next week. Mom sent a text to remind her to pay, and daughter replied, 'Why can't you just be a nice person?' Just wonder what your response would be, Jefferson. Daughter is very offhand, like not a good con- um, relationship with mom, and while she works very hard at her job in law firm, she's also very entitled and a bit on edge. Um, [chuckles] she seems to take everything out on her mom." If you get the message, if somebody asks you, "Why can't you just be a nice person?" There are some ways that we can handle this. When somebody asks, "Why can't you be a nice person?" What they're really saying is, "Hey, why can't you just do what I want you to do? Why can't you just be compliant?" Why can't you just be a nice person and, and, and make me comfortable? Right. Your job if, if by being nice it's to make the other person comfortable, then no, we're not gonna be nice. If nice means I have to put aside everything that I do and make my life and my emotions all about you, no. Then I'm, I'm not going to be a nice person. If I have to make sure that I can't do a thing without passing it by you, and that's, that's what requires it to be nice, then no, I'm not going to be a nice person. Why can't you just be a nice person? I would encourage her to respond, "I'm not being nice. I'm being respectful." Another response could be, "I'm not being nice," period. "I'm being kind," period, "and I'm letting you know that to live in this house and to afford what we have, rent is due on this day." No fight, no tussle, no, "Hey, why don't you... This is just like you. You're lazy. You don't contribute." All, all of that, that garbage. You don't want to be nice. There is a difference between being nice and being kind. Nice says, "I'm concerned about the pleasantries, about being polite, about sweeping everything under a rug. We're not gonna mention that. I can't be, I can't be nice." Nice is concerned about the surface. Say, "I, I, I have to be nice. I can't tell them the truth. That's not nice." Kind is related to the word kin. It's deep. It's connection. It says... Kind says... Where nice says, "I can't tell you that. I can't tell you the truth because that's not nice," kindness says, "I care about you enough to tell you the truth." So you don't want to be nice. You want to be kind. So when somebody says, "Why can't you be a nice

14. 26:21 – 29:54

    Old-friend resentment: ‘Did you mean for that to hurt me?’ plus a better emotional bid

    1. JFJefferson Fisher26:21

       person?" Meaning, "Why can't you... Why you can't just be nice? Why can't you make me comfortable?" I would encourage a, "I'm not trying to be nice," period. "I'm being kind," period. And let the conversation go where it needs to. Okay, this one is between very old friends. One of them is now living out of state, comes to visit in town, and asks me, "So when are we going to hang out?" This friend never has any suggestions and almost always needs a ride. [chuckles] Obviously, um, I use a Jefferson standard reply, but what do you think, Jefferson, was the appropriate response? Okay, I'm looking at the, the, the text message here. Um, the question is, "Hey, what day are you going?" "Hey, I'll be there Saturday." Response is, "Well, I have plans Saturday." "Okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry." Right? And then the response from the friend is, "You always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're even friends anymore." And then the response from the person who sent this, they use, "Did you mean for that statement to hurt me?" [chuckles] I like that response. All right, here's some things that are going on. One, it's friendship we're talking about here, and very old friends, so you know it, it goes back a long way. What y- I want you to read when it's, "You always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're not friends anymore." What do you hear in that statement? What do you hear in that statement? Is it anger? Is it really anger? What's that also tied to? Sadness. Frustration. Sadness. I, I wanted to see you. I'm let down. I'm frustrated. I, I want... I expected, I hoped to see you, and it's not gonna work out, and so you're the only person I have to lash out against. You always have an excuse. They use that absolute word of always, which is not true, so that's an indicator right there of where their emotions are. You always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're even friends anymore. That's just internal, you know, internal dialogue that says, "Hey, I'm hurt." Their statement... Question, did you mean for that statement to hurt me? What I love about that is you did a great job of putting the spotlight back onto them, okay? Instead of a, "Really?" I, you could have argued against the always, could have said, "I, I don't always have an excuse. You know what? You did last time," and get into an argument, or, "Yeah, I don't even know why we're friends anymore either. Yeah, you know what? Forget you, and just let's, let's stop being friends." You didn't do that. By using the question, the, the stuff that I talk about, "Did you mean for that statement to hurt me?" Great job of you're not even responding to the content of this guy's text. You're, you're responding to the intent to it, and the friend has not responded to this yet, so I'm very curious of how he would respond. Here's one thing I, I would... Th-there's nothing wrong with this question. If I could add something else to it, maybe something you would wanna say afterwards or s-say in its place, is this: "I'm sad and frustrated that I g- don't get to see you too. It makes me upset that we're gonna miss each other too. I'm mad that we don't get to hang out too." See, instead of fighting, trying

15. 29:54 – 32:27

    Root cause: the ‘Sorry, that’s my schedule’ text sounded dismissive—what to say instead

    1. JFJefferson Fisher29:54

       to make them feel something else and tell them how they should feel, when you say, "Y-you know what? God, I'm, I'm, I'm mad about it too," it, it, it has a way of bringing connection and understanding because you're affirming and acknowledging that very feeling that they have, something that you should share, right? I'll say, what kinda set it off, if I'm, if I'm the other person? Says, "Okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry." That's a pretty flippant response. It's a pretty flippant response. We, uh, may ask you the question, could you have said something a little better? Could you have put a little bit more effort and time in that response? And if you had, would you have gotten maybe a little bit different response in return? If I'm looking at the start of the message, it says, "When is that? What day are you going?" What day are you going? Say, "Hey, the tent will be here Saturday." I said, "Maybe. I don't know for sure." In other words, you're saying, "I, I might be there. I'll be there Saturday. I told these other people maybe. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be there." His response is, "I have plans Saturday." Bummer. You could have said, "Oh, man, that's, that's a bummer. I'm gonna miss you. That makes me sad. That, that's, uh, that makes me bummed out." Instead, you said, "Okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry." That's gonna get a defensive response. One, because it's not a real apology. It's you saying, "Well, okay, deal with it." It's like a sorry of like, "Yeah, sorry. Well, deal with it." It's not an actual apology, and you're going, "Okay, well, that's my schedule. Okay, well, that's what I got, so good luck." That's gonna come back and th- to me, no wonder they, they came back a little, a, uh, bit, bit at you a little bit. No wonder they growled. You always have an excuse not to meet up. I don't know why we're not even friends. So while I, I'll say props to you for using the did you mean for that statement to hurt me, I think we could have avoided this situation altogether had your first text not been, "Okay, well, that's my schedule. Sorry." If you had voiced the feeling of, "Oh, man, you have plans Saturday? That's the only day I can meet, man. This is gonna... That's, that's crushing. That's heartbreaking. That, that totally bums me out." That way you could have at least been able to share in that mutual feeling rather than making them feel as though they're at a wit's end and feeling like they're the only ones that's rowing the friendship boat.

Episode duration: 32:28