When You Feel Overpowered—Say This

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Regaining control when the power dynamic shifts

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      If you feel like you lose control in conversation more than you keep it, this episode is for you. I'm making this specifically for you. What I'm going to teach you, if you listen to this episode, is exactly how to make sure that that shift of power returns back to you. I'm gonna make it short, I'm gonna make it sweet, and it's going to work. You ready? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to

2. 0:30 – 1:31

   Sponsor break: subscribing + Cozy Earth

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you would, wherever you're listening to, please click the button where it says Subscribe. It means a lot to me and my family, and it's really doesn't cost anything for you, and it's a, a promise by me in exchange to say, "I'm gonna make you a better communicator." And this episode is no exception to that. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. You know, if you listen to my podcast, I love Cozy Earth. Why? Because they make quality products. They make premium products, from their bedsheets to their towels to their clothes that they have on. I wear them all throughout the week because they're stuff that actually works. And if you're somebody who likes Cozy Earth, I'm gonna ask you to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson, get up to 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. If you're like me and you like cozy, comfortable things, especially with fall now coming on, you need to go try out Cozy Earth. Controlling conversation is a funny thing.

3. 1:31 – 2:32

   Why “control” is hard to define but easy to notice when it’s gone

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      You don't know how to describe it, but you know when you don't have it. You know when you could get it. It's in that time that the ... usually in the silence of the conversation, that as things are going, momentum starts to s- shift the other way. It starts to swing the other way, and it feels like everything around you is kind of dissolving. Think of a time most recently in your life where you felt the power dynamic shift. Maybe it's somebody who's a superior. Maybe it's somebody who intimidates you. Maybe it's somebody you don't like. Or maybe it's somebody you love and it still feels like you don't have something inside of you that's able to keep what's yours, and instead you feel like you're giving it all away, your needs, your wants, your, your power, your control. Whatever it is, your truth, this episode is going to teach you exactly what to do. So how do we do that? Number one, you're going to use questions that force a reset

4. 2:32 – 3:03

   Tip #1 — Use “forced reset” questions to stop momentum

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:32

      in the conversation. Now what do I mean by that? Think of, like, your laptop or your phone. You, you have a, a button typically that has, like, a forced reset. It doesn't matter what's happening. Maybe you're on your phone and it, it freezes, or your laptop and it freezes. What do you have to do? You have to kinda like hold the power button down until it eventually what? Shuts off. And then you're able to click it again and force restart it. It's not doing it on its own. You are having to inject something into it. That's what these questions do. These are intelligent questions.

5. 3:03 – 4:04

   The exact reset-question templates: “Are you against…”, “Is it unreasonable…”, “Where are we going?”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:03

      These are not just the basic ones. These are questions that call for reflection in the conversation, that make people think. And that alone is going to stop the momentum, stop the shift momentum, the power that's going away from you, and bring that control back to you in a way, or at least, the very least, level the playing field. You say, "Jefferson, what do these questions sound like?" I'm going to tell you. These are questions that sound like, "Are you against us talking at a normal tone? Are you against us talking about this calmly? Are you against us talking about this openly? Is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice? Is it unreasonable for me to assume that what I tell you can be kept in confidence?" Or maybe it's, "I need to know where we're going in this conversation. Can you help m- explain to me where we're going in this conversation? Where is this conversation

6. 4:04 – 6:05

   Why negative framing works: people default to saying “no”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:04

      going?" So these are three key words that I really picked up on, that I'm, uh, wanting you to pick up on, is one, we are using s- the, the natural mind to think in the negatives. Meaning if somebody asks you to do something, typically you wanna say no. Think of when your kids ... I- if I ask my daughter when she was two to go do something, the first thing she'd say is, "No." We have the same exact thing. It doesn't go away. We just have different filters as we age. Well, if I were to say, "Are you against us talking about this calmly?" The first thing they're gonna wanna respond with is, "No." "Are you against..." "No, I'm not a- against it." Then they will naturally lower it. No, who's gonna say, "Yes, I'm against talking calmly"? So you use that to your advantage. It makes them think. I- it's ... If I g- if I'm gonna say, "Are you, are you against us talking about this in a way that's helpful?" You hear how it makes you almost have to work through it backwards. It takes some time, even though it sounds simple, for somebody to hear it, reverse engineer it. That's the timeframe that you want. All right? That's ... levels the playing field. That's the forced reset, that moment where people have to think and you get to now ask a question and they are now acquiescing to what you've asked for. "Is it unreasonable?" Most people will, again, say no to things. If I were to say, "Is it reasonable to ask you to stop yelling?" You know what's gonna happen? They're gonna say, "No. It's not reasonable. You, you know how upset I am right now?" But if I were to say, "Is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice?" They're not gonna say, "Yes, it is." They'll most likely say no. Why? 'Cause no is easier to say. In that moment where they reverse engineer the question, that's the shift of momentum. "I need you to tell me where we're going in this conversation. Help me understand where we're going." It's easy. It's, it's the, "I am wanting to know where's the deadline, where's the, the finish line." Not the deadline, the finish line. Where do we go there? All that's doing

7. 6:05 – 6:36

   Momentum management analogy: calling a conversational “timeout”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:05

      is making them think, "Hey, what am I talking about this for? What am I talking about this for?" It's, it's jumping to that end. You are creating that moment where they have to pause. They respond to your question, which levels the playing field because that time stops the momentum. It is like icing the kicker in football. If you watch American football, you know that a lot of the times they will if, if... Or even in basketball, i- lots of different sports. When things are going a team's way, and,

8. 6:36 – 8:07

   Tip #2 — “Did you mean…?” to spotlight intent and behavior

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:36

      uh, especially in basketball, and somebody is... They're scoring a lot, the other team will typically call a timeout. Let's stop the momentum. They're, they're getting too much going on. That's exactly what these questions do. Exactly what these questions do, and it gives you the control back in the conversation. Number two, aside from intelligent questions that are making them stop, what I want you to think of is times where you can use phrases that are going to call moments of more reflection for the other person. Why? Because it is giving you that control back. There's not a statement I can tell you that's gonna just force the control there. Questions do it. Questions do it. My favorite, and if you listen to this podcast you know, is the phrase, "Did you mean?" Did you mean for that to sound dismissive? Did you mean for that to sound a little manipulative? Did you mean for that to embarrass me or offend me? The did you mean questions, what they do is they put a big spotlight on the other person's behavior, and it makes them have to think about what their motive was. What was my intent in asking this? What was my motive in asking this? And usually if it's a, a truly negative motive, like, "Did you say that to embarrass me?" It forces them to now, like, they, they feel angst. They, they d- they don't like that. They got heartburn now. N- they got called out. They got called out, and now what they have to do is shift it back. They have to, uh, stop. They have to hedge. They have to put on the brakes

9. 8:07 – 9:08

   Tip #3 — Ask for balance: “Are we on equal footing?”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:07

      and realize, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm, I'm getting called out right here. I don't like that. I'm gonna start looking bad. I don't want that." And so they'll, they'll turn that trajectory, and what they do is they lower, and now you're more balanced in the conversations. Did you mean? Number three, one of my favorite things to do in conversations, particularly when it feels like somebody else is trying to take control in the conversation, I will ask the question, "Are we on equal footing?" It could be something that's very similar to that. Is this a conversation where we're balanced? I talk about things that are up and down. I wanna make sure that w- we're walking side by side, and usually I'll ask that question. Are we walking side by side right now? I wanna make sure I'm walking alongside you in this conversation. Whenever you're using words that call balance, even the imagery of balanced. Are we, are we side by side here? Are we

10. 9:08 – 9:38

    Why demanding control backfires (it reads as desperation)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:08

       balanced? Are we on the same plane? Are we on the same footing? You can think of a thousand other ways to say it. What they do, these phrases, these questions that make the other person kinda slow down. They make them slow down on the conversation. That's what you want, and that's what's gonna return the control back to you. There's nothing you can say that's gonna say, "Hey, I want control back in this conversation." That's not gonna happen. If it's a statement, what it does is

11. 9:38 – 11:09

    Sponsor break: Monarch Money

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:38

       it makes you look like you are, uh, vain. It makes you look like you're aggressive. It makes you look like you are desperate. It makes you... Desperate's the best word for it. It, it makes you look like you're already lost it. All right? Makes you look like you've already lost it. Before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Monarch Money. Have you ever tried to keep track of all your finances in your head? It's not easy, right? A couple of checking accounts over here, a credit card, maybe a retirement fund that you swore that you'd check on last spring, maybe some change under the couch or whatever. Until suddenly it feels like everything that has to do about money is just some big cloud, some big jigsaw puzzle, and you've lost the pieces, and all of a sudden, there's that fear and concern. That's natural. That's normal. That's where Monarch comes in to help you. It pulls everything together, all your accounts, your savings, your investments, even your spending, even your spending, and shows it all in one place. A simple dashboard, no spreadsheets, uh, no guessing. Just one big place that makes your money make sense. Puts you in control rather than feeling like everything else is controlling you without you having to spend hours and hours managing it. If you've been putting this stuff off, Monarch makes it easy. You'll see what's working, what's not working, and how to get there when you want to go faster. Don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use code Jefferson at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50%

12. 11:09 – 13:10

    Silence as a power move: pause, take breaks, and choose timing

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:09

       off your first year at monarch.com. Use the code Jefferson. And now let's get back to that episode. One of the best other ways I, I can think of rather than trying to grasp for that attention, control is al- is also found in the silence. So many times in conversation, the most powerful move you can make is no move at all, not saying anything. If you want to return conversational power back to you, often silence and pauses are the best thing that's gonna do that. Pauses. If you... If somebody else is on a roll, you can call your own timeout. If they are being... And when I say on a roll, maybe they are being way too aggressive with you. Then what you say is, "I need to come back to this conversation when I'm in a better place. I'll come back to this conversation when I'm ready. I can tell I'm not in a good... I, I'm not myself right now. I can tell I'm not ready for this conversation. This is not a conversation th- that I need to be in right now." Pause it. Time it. Why did I say that? [laughs] Say it like that. Take a timeout. Pause the conversation. And what you do is now the nerves settle. What happens is you're able to now look like you're the one that's in control of the conversation because you're not responding emotionally. You're not saying things you don't mean. You're not trying to say the, "Yeah, buts. But, but what about..." You're not trying to throw daggers and add these little paper cuts to the conversation that don't do anything. Control is also very much found in the silence, in taking breaks. And what's that? That, that is you calling your shot of when and you, when you will not have conversation. Those three tips right there alone. See, I told you, short and sweet, rolled right into it. That's exactly

13. 13:10 – 14:00

    Quick recap of the three tools and send-off

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:10

       what's gonna help you the next time you feel like you're losing power in a conversation. So what did we talk about? Number one, using intelligent questions. Are you against? Is it unreasonable? Show me where we're going. Anything related to that. Using the, the negatives that's gonna get somebody to have to think more reflectively about the conversation and stop the momentum. Two, we're going to use questions that talk about the intent and motive. That's going to, again, reflect that and make them pause. Three, largely I wanna go right into that silence. That's number three. Silence is so often the very thing that will stop the mom- momentum, bring control back because you are choosing your words when you want them and what you want to say. That's how you keep control. As always, thank you for listening. You can try that and follow me. Be good.

Episode duration: 14:01