Why Waiting to Speak Up Always Makes Things Worse

1. 0:00 – 2:32

   Stop waiting for the “perfect time” to speak up

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Stop waiting for the perfect time to have the conversation. Here on this podcast, we typically talk about what to say, how to say it, but today it's special. Today, I'm diving all in on when to have the conversation. What are the rules? What are some ways that we can improve when to know the right way to bring something up and when to do it? And number three, a golden rule that I always love to live by. All that and more coming up. Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tips to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask that wherever you're listening, you click the word or button that says Subscribe. It helps me, it helps my family, and it tells wherever you're listening that this is good content. Because my promise to you is that if you listen and subscribe, I'm going to make you a better communicator, and in exchange, hopefully a better life. Today's podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. One of the reasons I love being sponsored by Cozy Earth for, I think over a year now, is that everything they make is top-notch. All this morning I was wearing their hoodie and, uh, their sweatpants. And so I don't know about you, but that's... I like being comfortable. And I think, I think y'all are a safe enough space for me to tell you this. Uh, a few days ago, I was like, "My feet are freezing on the tile." It's gotten to that temperature where it's, like, really, really cold. I don't really like that, so typically I wear a sock, but sometimes socks aren't enough. And I thought, "Maybe I need some house shoes." I think I'm... Am I at the age where I need house shoes? I think so. And so I went onto Cozy Earth, and yes, I used my own code. [laughs] What? Money doesn't grow on trees. Money doesn't grow on trees, y'all. I used my own code to buy myself some house slippers on Cozy Earth. Don't tell anybody. If you're like me and like cozy things, you can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson, and get up to 20% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson, and get up to 20% off with the code Jefferson. And now, let's keep going. Oh, dude. I hope I didn't have this booger coming out of my nose the whole time. [sniffs] We're just gonna leave it, because I, I feel like that's kinda real. [laughs] Everybody's got them. All right. There is a big myth in communication, and the myth is this: there is a perfect time, there is a right time to say something. Let me tell you that that is a harmful mindset. There will never be the perfect time to have the conversation.

2. 2:32 – 4:33

   Why delay makes you feel worse: “If you wait, you get sick”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:32

      Now, don't get me wrong. There are times that are better than others to bring something up, but there's never a perfect time. I want to, number one, highlight this, this fact that I have lived through in my life, is that if you wait, you get sick. And I... Why do I say sick? It's, it's what we teach our kids. Sierra and I have... I have two kids. We have two kids, eight and six, and s- our kids have done this thing now, especially with brushing their teeth, where they'll just lie. Like, I know he didn't brush his teeth, because I'm, like, right behind him. I can see. He can't see me in the door. And he'll just run it under water and then act like he brushed his teeth. Anybody else do that? Um, admittedly, I for sure did that. But we're having to do this thing where it's... We're teaching them that if you hold in lies, either by a lie or hold something in by omission, lies make you sick, because I believe that it's true. I... A- if you have a lie in your life right now that you're living, just hearing my voice say that's gonna turn you into knots, and it's gonna come right up to mind. That, that's out of... That's you out of alignment with yourself, and so it's calling attention to that. And that might be uncomfortable, but lies make you sick. And part of that, how does that relate to when you have a conversation? It's the fact that when you stop saying what you need to say now and say, "I'm just gonna wait. Uh, you know what? I could talk to them, but I, I just... I'm waiting for the right time. I'm, I'm waiting for that perfect time," that train is never coming. There is not a right time. There is only now and not now. If you wait to say what you need to say to somebody, to have the conversation, pain comes. More problems come. All right? I know

3. 4:33 – 6:03

   Delaying hard talks compounds damage in relationships and work

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:33

      they say more money, more problems. Um, more time, more problems, most... At least that's what I've lived out. Let me give you some examples. All right? If you wait to tell a truth, the lie only gets bigger. The lie only gets more harmful. When it comes to telling the truth, you need to say it now. It would've been best if you said it in the past, but the next best time is now, before it gets worse. If you waited to tell that person in your relationship that, "I'm not really feeling it. I'm not... This isn't for me," but you're afraid to hurt their feelings and so you just live a, a lie of that you're not really into them, you're not really in... You're not invested in this. Or maybe it's a friendship that, like, you're, you're just being pleasant, but you know it's not really doing anything for you. It's not growing you. It's not something you're invested in. If you wait to tell that employee that you need to let them go, if you wait to fire somebody, what happens? Y- it ends up being a year later, and now th- the problems have only compounded. Now you have more problems. Why? Because you decided that that anxiety, that ugh, that feeling, that pit in your stomach where you get nervous... Everybody gets it, by the way. I get it too. It's, it's overcoming that hump. You decided that the consequence of saying nothing is worth less than the anxiety

4. 6:03 – 7:34

   The blunt takeaway: there’s only “now” or “not now”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:03

      of what you're feeling right now. So you would choose to avoid the discomfort of now. But let me tell you, the discomfort of now only grows into the pains of tomorrow, the pains of later. So here's the takeaway. There's a conversation that you need to have right now if you're still listening to me. So what is that conversation? I want you to think about it in your mind. There's a conversation that you're needing to have, and you're choosing not to have it because you're waiting for the right time. It's not coming. I'm gonna say it again and again in this episode. It's not coming. You need to grab your phone today and call them, or write the email, or have the meeting. You need to do it because the longer you put it off, the worse things are going to get. Listen to me. It has never been true that the longer you wait to say it, to have the conversation, the better things get. It didn't work that way. It only gets worse. What happens when you finally have that conversation? They go, "Why didn't you tell me a year before?" "Well, I, I just couldn't." This is making me think of... Ah, you can tell I'm a parent. Makes me think of Aladdin, you know? When it was like Aladdin had the chance to tell Jasmine that he wasn't really a prince, but he just, he just really couldn't do it. It's, it's that. If you... I can't believe I just brought Aladdin into my episode. What am I doing? If you wait, things only get worse. That's, that's the takeaway. So what do we do with that, this conversation you're thinking about that you know you need to have? There's some exceptions

5. 7:34 – 10:06

   When you should not speak up immediately: three exceptions

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:34

      to this that I wanna highlight. When is it not okay to talk or say the thing right now? Number one, when your physical safety is at risk. Emotional abuse, physical abuse are at risk. When you're in an environment that you could actually be harmed if you say something. In that case, yes, wait or don't say it at all. I would much rather you place the security over your emotions and your life versus causing some kind of abuse or trauma or harm. Number two, if your nervous system isn't prepared for the conversation. I'm not talking about nerves. Like, you just, "I'm, I'm, I'm jittery. I, I have a pit in my stomach." I'm not, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about you feel so off-center that you're gonna get it wrong, meaning I am starting at an 11. I am, um, uh, all of my emotions have overridden everything in my mind, and I'm not gonna be able to function. It, it's all gonna come out wrong because you are not regulated in your mind. Again, that's very different from just having butterflies and feeling nervous about it. And number three, when you are not prepared for the conversation in terms of a goal of where you want to go. What do you want to say? I want to take a second to tell you about a sponsor that I use every single day, long before they ever sponsored me, and that is Momentous. Momentous is so much more than a supplement company. And you might be thinking, "Hey, look, Jefferson, this is really for athletes." Yeah, I thought that too, and here's how it makes sense to me and why I've been taking Momentous for such a long time. I am a working dad. I am a busy dad. And maybe you listening, you are a working mom, a busy parent, a busy grandparent, and let's just be honest, y'all. There are times when I don't eat lunch. All of a sudden, I look, and it's 2:00 or 3:00, and I haven't eaten anything. Can anybody relate to that? Or maybe I skip breakfasts, which I do often. I still need nutrients. I still need vitamins. I still need to supplement what is going in my body if I wanna have focus, if I wanna have clarity, if I wanna have energy. I take a lot of Momentous's stuff. Uh, I... Their protein. I take their creatine. I take a lot of their magnesium. They have several different types. One is L-Threonate, which I like. They have a whole sleep stack, which helps, especially when I'm traveling on the road, for sleep. Bottom line is Momentous, their stuff is elite. Every product is third-party tested, NSF certified, and designed for people like you, like me, who

6. 10:06 – 12:07

   A 3-question filter to decide whether to say it—and whether now

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:06

      actually care about what goes inside our bodies. You can go to livemomentous.com, use code Jefferson, and get up to 35% off your first subscription. That's livemomentous.com. Use the code Jefferson for up to 35% off. Momentous. When your moment matters, make it count. And now, let's keep going. If you want to know when to have that conversation you're waiting to have, instead of waiting for that perfect time, here's what I want you to do. Apply this framework. Number one: Does it need to be said? Number two: Does it need to be said now? And number three: Does it need to be said by me? So many times I have things in my head that I want to say to somebody. Maybe it's a stranger. Maybe it's somebody at a restaurant that you don't really know, but somebody has to say something. I have this filter of does, does it really me that has to say this? Does it need to be said right now? Because there's so many times that I... There's a, a big weight lifted off me when I think, "Yes, somebody needs to hear this, but they don't need to hear it from me." They'll... They will... Life will teach them. Life will tell it to them. Life will give them that lesson, and it does not to be... It does not need to be told by me. I'm not gonna be the one to sway them. That's, that's not gonna do it. I... It might feel good, but it's this other filter I apply, and, and that is am I saying it because it needs to be said, or am I just saying it to be heard? Am I just saying it to feel better? In other words, is it really gonna move the conversation, or am I just saying it to fan my own flames, to make it feel good for myself? Is this an ego thing? Do I really have to say it? Was it helpful? Did I say it to be helpful, or did I say it to be hurtful? Those are filters that are gonna help you. So when you apply that framework, does it need to be said, does it need to be said now, and does it need to be said by me? That's gonna help you understand in those moments, is now a better time to have the conversation? Again, there's no right time, but there's certainly a better time

7. 12:07 – 13:09

   Timing matters: choose a better moment without endless waiting

   1. JFJefferson Fisher12:07

      more than others. Timing is also incredibly important. Like, think about how much time influences a conversation. I want you to think in your mind of a conversation that was very difficult here lately, and ask yourself the question, "Was the timing of it any factor? Had I chosen a, a better moment, even five minutes before, maybe five minutes after something, would it have changed the dynamic?" Timing is important. For example, if when the k- kids get home, if I were to have a conversation with Sierra right then and there, a very important conversation when we're ... I, I'm, I'm getting stuff ready for dinner, the kids are upstairs or downstairs and doing their homework, and things are going crazy and chaotic. Is that the right time? Probably not. I'm not saying I can't say, "Hey, I got something important I wanna make sure we, we talk about," and kind of put a pin in it to, to, to bookmark it. But there's also a time and place to have these kind of conversations. Again, it's ...

8. 13:09 – 13:39

   The golden rule: wait 24 hours when you’re unsure

   1. JFJefferson Fisher13:09

      doesn't mean it's perfect. That doesn't mean there's right. But I would certainly say there are timeframes that are more suited than others rather than just pushing your own timeframe on it. So we also wanna be considerate of the other person's timeframe. Now, here is the golden rule. Number three, I wanna give you a golden framework that has helped me, a golden rule, and it's this: wait 24 hours. If you're not sure whether you should say something or not, if you

9. 13:39 – 17:12

   Story: the snarky attorney email and the power of not sending

   1. JFJefferson Fisher13:39

      should respond to that email, to that comment, to that conversation that somebody had, wait 24 hours. If it's still bothering you the next day, then that is your gut. That is your natural system saying, "I need to have a response to this." One time I got an email from an opposing a- attorney, and it was the snarkiest thing I've ever read. The ... You ever had those kind of people who feel like everything that they do is just made of gold? Like, he, he ha- had a case and we were against each other, and he just thought his client's case was the best c- case. And I, I didn't agree. There was some law that plainly said he was, he was wrong, but he thought there was some way he could get creative about it. Anyway, so he sent me an email that was just snarky, of all the ways I was wrong and how I was gonna lose. Well, what did I do? Man, I went right to that keyboard. I, I started writing an email right back to him, and I was just ... I was Beethoven. I, I was just masterful drafting this email that was gonna zing him. It was just gonna upper cut punch him in the jaw. And what I decided to do, thankfully, [laughs] thankfully, is right before I pressed send, I said, "You know what? I'm just gonna wait. I got my 24 hours. I'm gonna wait." That next morning, I didn't even wait 24 hours before looking at it again. I, I ... The next morning I looked at it and I almost laughed at what I was writing. I mean, my, my email. I almost laughed at it of like, "Why did I think this was gonna do anything? That's not gonna change his mind. You know what? I don't need any of this." And I deleted it. I deleted it. Instead, I waited a few days later and I just replied to his email and said, "Thank you." [laughs] That was it. All right? Wait 24 hours. If you're not sure when to say it, that 24 hours is a pretty good rule. Maybe it's something that's weighing on me that I wanna tell a friend. Maybe I have that thought right in that moment, and if I don't feel comfortable about it, I wait 24 hours. Let me see. If it's still bothering me then, if it's still bothering me, then it's gonna bother me for one or two more years. I'd like to take a moment to tell you about something I don't really tell everybody, and that is every new year, maybe you're like this, I redecorate and redo a space. Usually it's my office. I might move furniture. Maybe we do something in the living room or in the kitchen just to kind of spruce it up. You don't want to feel like you're stagnant. You wanna feel like there's change, then maybe that feels like more energy and a new year, new you. That's why I've been using Wayfair. Wayfair has everything in one place. I mean, if you know Wayfair, you know what I'm talking about. Bedding, storage, kitchen stuff, decor, everything. What I like is how easy it is to find things that really fit your style and your budget. You're not having to jump between a whole bunch of websites, a whole bunch of tabs. They're just really easy to get what you need, and the return policy's great if something doesn't work out. Wayfair has you covered. So get organized, refresh, and back on track this new year for Way... You see what I did there? Less. Head to wayfair.com right now and shop all things home. That's Wayfair, W-A-Y-F-A-I-R .com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Now let's keep going. I, I fall into this habit of feeling like once I get over this hump of the busy of life,

10. 17:12 – 18:44

    “Life doesn’t slow down”: excuses keep replacing themselves

    1. JFJefferson Fisher17:12

       then things smooth out. But the older I've gotten, the more I've realized this is life. I mean, this is ... It's not going to stop. This is what it is. I have to find joy in the now. I have to, I have to find joy in the chaos and the busy. And sometimes I might feel like I need to say something to somebody and I go, "Ah, I'll just ... Let me wait until this happens. And I ne- I need, I know I need to have this heart-to-heart with my mom." In truthfully, y'all, that's what happened to me. I needed to have a big conversation with my mom. And maybe you've needed to have one of those with a family member. And I needed to have one with my mom and talk about some big things, some life things, and things that we should've talking about a long time ago. And I put it off. I pushed it because I waited for the right moment. Thankfully, I've been able to, to have that conversation with her and talk with her, but it took me a long time. I found excuses to be busy. I found excuses to say I was busy. Same for her. And, you know, I, I wouldn't say it's either... There's no fault I'm trying to attribute whatsoever. If anything, I'll take the, the, the blame or fault. But I, I hope you can resonate with that, that sentiment of where I know I need to have this big conversation, but I continue to say, "Well, I'll do it once things slow down. I'll do it

11. 18:44 – 19:14

    Shelf-and-dust metaphor: postponed issues get buried and harder to address

    1. JFJefferson Fisher18:44

       once the kids' schedule is easier. I'll do it after I get back from this." And you know what I do? You know what I did? I just replaced whatever the rock was with a different rock. That's all I did. And that pushed the conversation that shoulda happened in the now to eight months later, and within those eight months, things just got layered. Things got harder. It's, it's like you have

12. 19:14 – 21:51

    Final recap and encouragement: choose discomfort now over pain later

    1. JFJefferson Fisher19:14

       something and you put it on a shelf and you need to talk about it now, but dust covers it, and you don't use it, and things happen, and things get stacked on top of it. And all of a sudden you can't find it because it's on top of everything else, and you forgot your thought. You forgot that you, "I really wanted to reach out, and I really wanted to make this point." So I wanna put this in a takeaway. Number one, if you're waiting for the right moment to have the conversation, there is no right moment. It's not coming. There is no perfect time. There's only now and not now. There are times and exceptions to when you need to have a conversation. One is your physical safety, emotional safety. Two, if you're not regulated to have that conversation where you're gonna be able to not only say what you need to say, but hear it in a filter that is going to continue to keep yourself regulated. Three, if you are not prepared for the conversation in terms of logic. In other words, you don't know what you want to say. You're, you're trying to spitball and figure out what you want to say as you're saying it. You, you get to where the other person is just gonna get frustrated and they go, "Ooh, what do you, what do you want?" And you go, "Well, I mean, I mean..." You know, I say all that to say if you don't know where you're going, you're gonna get frustrated. Those are scenarios where I would say it's okay to find a better time. There's a difference between the right time and a better time. I agree that there's better times to say things. There's worse times to say things, but there's no perfect time. I, I... Let me be the example of I know the pain of not saying what you need to say when you should've said it, not telling the truth when you should've said it then and just waiting because you chose, and when I chose, to avoid the discomfort of the now at the expense of the pain of the later. And that has been something that I continue to work on and, and I'm, I'm here with you if this resonates with you at all. And if you're thinking of that conversation that you haven't had and it's kind of churning right now in you, let me be the first to say, "Look, you can do it. You really can. You're gonna live. You're gonna live." You're gonna get after this conversation and there's going to be... There's gonna be a before. There's gonna be a life before and a life after. Bottom line is, is there's still gonna be life, and I bet you it's even better than you thought it could ever be on the other side. And either way, I'm gonna be right here supporting you, talking to you, teaching all the way along. All right. As always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 21:52