You’ve Been Talking All Wrong in Difficult Conversations

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Three conversation “landmines” that fuel conflict

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      There are three conversation landmines I have to make sure you avoid. This episode of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast is gonna be served to you hot and ready, so we're just gonna get right to it, right to the point. I don't even feel like doing an intro today. That's how I feel about this. Now, before I dive into these three tips that you have to have in everyday conversation to avoid conflict, I gotta tell you first about Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth has been a sponsor of this podcast for good reason, because I love their stuff. I've used it for

2. 0:30 – 1:31

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth (personal endorsement + discount)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      months, if not years now, and they're all over my house. So I don't know if you know this, but there is a age in life to where all of a sudden you go, "Man, I really like these towels. Man, I really like these bedsheets. Man, I really like these pants." Like, just you go, "I, I didn't even think I'd ever be saying this kinda stuff." Well, that's kinda how it is with my relationship with Cozy Earth. I'm honored that they're a sponsor of the podcast, but honestly, I just really like their stuff. Cozy Earth is where it's at because everything that they do is top quality. So if you're like me and you like top quality stuff, go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson, for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. And now let's get back to that episode. Three landmines that I want you to avoid in conversations. Why? Because they are adding fuel to conflict. How do we do that? Number one, what I want you to do is to avoid the "you" statements. That's what we're gonna talk about. Two, I want

3. 1:31 – 2:32

   Landmine #1: Starting with “you” triggers defensiveness

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      you to not weaken your sentences before they even start, meaning you're gonna ... We have this tendency to add disclaimers to what we're gonna say. It causes conflict. And number three, above all else, using the power of a reframe. And I'm gonna show you the secret as to how using a reframe leads to better conversations every single time. You ready? Let's go. I'm feeling it. Number one, you know this, and if you don't know this, it's good that you know. The power of the first word out of your mouth ... We often say the power of. This is one to add. The power of the first word out of your mouth, huge impact. Huge. If I were to say, "You. You need to do this. You need to listen. You know what you should do? You should do... You need to, you always, you never." The you, you, you, you, you. What does it do? It puts you, the other person, in a defensive posture to where they go, "Me? [laughs] Me? How about you?" And it just sends the

4. 2:32 – 3:02

   Replace blame with ownership: lead with “I” + feelings

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:32

      missile right back at them. It, it becomes the ping pong. It becomes the civil war. It becomes this, um, this, this horrible gasoline on a fire that just explodes it out of nowhere. So what's the solution? Rather than beginning with the word "you," begin with the word "I." "I need to feel like I'm being heard. I feel upset when you do this. I feel confused when you do this. I, I feel hurt, confused, upset, frustrated." Use words that express

5. 3:02 – 4:34

   Landmine #2: Disclaimers that weaken your message before it starts

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      feeling rather than using that feeling internally to simply say, "You do X, Y, and Z." So rather than acting on that feeling, you are expressing that feeling. Rather than emoting that feeling within yourself, you are ... When you claim it, you what? You control it. Number two, stop using disclaimers before you say anything in your sentence. When you have this way of saying like, "I don't mean any disrespect, but..." You know, "I could be wrong about this, but..." By the way, nobody who says that thinks that they're ever wrong. [laughs] Or you say, "Look, I don't mean to be rude. I, I don't mean to be, you know, impolite here, but..." Whenever you say "I don't mean to," it doesn't make sense to people. It, it, it doesn't, it doesn't, um... Down here in the South we say "gee haw." That isn't gee haw. That, that doesn't jive with us. We, we're, uh, we're not going to... That, that doesn't work. Something's off to the other person when that happens. Why? Because I can tell. That's like me picking up a, a big club. All right? This is a pen in my hand, but it's like me picking up a big club and I'm saying, while I'm talking to you saying, "Look, I'm not gonna hit you with this club," and you're thinking the, "Why are you holding it?" You see how whenever you use disclaimers in sentences, like, "I don't, I don't mean to be rude, but..." I'm already saying it with self-defense. I'm saying it in anticipation of self-defense,

6. 4:34 – 5:36

   Flip the disclaimer: use probabilities—or drop it entirely

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:34

      right? When, when somebody goes, "All right. Listen, with all due respect," it's the same thing. They're, they're not really saying it with respect when they do that. So, uh, what's the, what's the cue there? Instead of stepping on that landmine, what I want you to do is say the reverse of it. So instead of "I don't mean to sound disrespectful," what I want you to say is, "This probably could sound disrespectful," or, "This will probably sound disrespectful." Use "probably." Use the probabilities. And what people do is it gives them a chance, and when they hear you, they naturally, oddly enough, think the opposite. So if I were to say, "This is probably going to upset you," what do you naturally do? You think of reasons why that's not gonna upset you versus me saying, "Don't be upset about this," and then you start to actually go, "Oh, no, there should be reasons why I should be upset about this." So instead of "I don't mean to sound rude," "This is probably gonna sound rude. This is probably going to sound impolite. This is probably going to sound shortsighted.

7. 5:36 – 7:07

   Sponsor break: Pique tea (gut health + offer details)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:36

      This is probably going to, to, to sound insensitive." All right? Whenever you say that, the other person then looks for reasons as to why it is not the thing that you said. So that's the way to handle that. Or, you know, better yet, you just don't use any of those c- disclaimers at all. Just use silence. Skip it and delete it from your sentences and say what you want to say. I want to take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast called Pique. That's P-I-Q-U-E. And though that's not the way you might think Pique is spelled, nothing about this tea is what you might think, and th- that's for good. This is a packet that tea crystals. So you don't have... There's no steeping, there's no mess. You just rip open the packet, pour it in. I use them all the time when I'm on the go. So maybe I'm not wanting coffee right at that moment, and but I also don't want water. So I like tea. And the cool thing about Pique is that it's loaded with probiotics and prebiotics to keep your gut healthy. So let's be real, when your gut's off, you're off. So if you feel sluggish, distracted, you're not gonna feel sharp and you're not gonna be good in the conversations that you and I both know we all need to have. So right now, Pique is giving my listeners 20% off for life, plus a free frother and a little glass beaker that comes with it. It's a really cool part of the bundle. It's backed by a 90-day guarantee. So if you don't like it, you got a 90-day guarantee. Go to piquelife.com/jefferson. That's P-I-Q-U-E life.com/jefferson, and go check it out. Clear gut, clear head, clear conversations. Go try out Pique. And

8. 7:07 – 7:37

   Landmine #3: Failing to reframe keeps you stuck in circles

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:07

      now back to the conversation. Number three, the third landmine that I want you to avoid in difficult conflict is the failure to reframe conversation. Have you ever been in conversation that you feel like it's just in a circle over and over and you go, "God, we just, we just talked about this. We just talked about this." What I like to say about that is if you haven't heard the end of it, then you haven't heard the heart of it. We have this inner fear that I haven't been heard. I, I'm, I'm scratching the surface, but I don't

9. 7:37 – 8:08

   Reframe techniques: slow the pace and change the focus

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:37

      feel like I've hit the root cause of why I'm feeling this way. And some people are, are external processors, some people are internal processors. And so a lot of the times you see that play out in dynamics in, in conversation. The failure to reframe means that you're gonna continue to spin. You're gonna continue the being in the air, and you don't know how to land the f- the plane. Reframing sounds like this. It... If we can, I, I'd rather, rather than saying calm down, I, I'd rather slow things down.

10. 8:08 – 9:08

    “Boxing” the conversation: facts, impact, apology, resolution, actions

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:08

       Instead of saying, "Hey, you need to be quiet," say, "Can we speak, uh, a little bit slower in tone? Can we, can we slow this down a little bit?" Or maybe the reframe is, "Hey, now that I feel like we've talked about how we feel about this, I'd, I'd like for us to talk about what it means to us. What, what are our next steps?" You see how when you kind of package the conversation into different boxes and letting someone know, "All right, I feel like we've emptied this box. The next box is this," rather than just going about it blindly. It helps to put conversations in different categories. Um, well, let me rephrase that. It helps to put conversations in topics of themselves. Maybe it's the problem. Maybe it's the facts. Maybe it's the need for apology and resolution. Uh, maybe it is to understand action steps and where we go from here. Whatever that is, it's like kind of having a meeting in your mind of how you roll it out of, "All right, now that we've

11. 9:08 – 10:08

    Use “we” language and roadmapping (signposting) to guide progress

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:08

       talked about what happened, I'd... I'd really like to make sure that this doesn't happen again between us. W- what are you, what are you thinking on how do we avoid this? Help me, help me understand how I can avoid that for you in the future." Use language like we rather than you. That's gonna help reframe the conversation. Uh, in, in courtroom, in litigation, what we call that is simply just signposting in some sense, and it helps a lot in normal day conversation. That means when I ask a, a question of the witness, I'm gonna tell them what I just asked them about and then where I'm going. And I'm doing that not just for the witness, I'm doing it for the jury as well, 'cause they're gonna also be listening. So I might say, "Okay, Mr. Williams, now that we've talked about where you were headed that day, I'd, I'd next like to discuss what you were doing at that present time. Sound good?" You, you hear how I'm, I'm saying I'm roadmapping in a sense. I'm saying, "Hey, this is where we've been. This is where we're going." So using that in conversation is a great way of reframing so that you don't feel like you're in that spin cycle, because what

12. 10:08 – 11:09

    When tension hits the red: reframe by pausing or rescheduling

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:08

       happens in that spin cycle? Danger. It adds fuel to the fire because you get tired, you feel like you're not being heard, and bad things happen. So what did we learn in this little bitty power minute that we had together? Three things to avoid the landmines. Number one, don't begin with the word you. Number two, get rid of the disclaimers. And three, make sure that you reframe the conversation. If you ever feel like it's starting to drag or if you feel like it's getting to a, a point that you're going, "Ah, this is really grinding on me," whenever you feel that meter in your minds, it goes into the red of going, "I, I'm... I can tell I'm getting overwhelmed," that's exactly the time for a reframe. And maybe the reframe is, "Hey, I can tell that this conversation isn't really going anywhere for us right now. I, I would love to continue to cover this... I'd love to continue this conversation later this afternoon, or give us a break in five minutes." Sometimes that's even the reframe. Yeah? All right. Use your words for good. As always, try that and follow me

Episode duration: 11:10