Joe Rogan Experience #1118 - Theo Von

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   Here we go, baby.…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      Here we go, baby. Five, four, three, two, one. Boom. And there can be only one Theo Von.

   2. TVTheo Von0:08

      Well, far as we know. Far as I know.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:10

      In the universe, though, do you know what they think?

   4. TVTheo Von0:12

      What?

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      Do you know, the co- the concept of infinity, apparently, is explained to me, by people far smarter than us, is that the universe is so big-

   6. TVTheo Von0:20

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      ... that not only is there intelligent life out there, for sure, but there's humans out there, for sure.

   8. TVTheo Von0:28

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:28

      And infinity is so big that that means somewhere in the universe, there is another Theo Von that has done exactly the same things that you've done, said exactly the same things that you've said, been in the same conversations that you've been in, down to that pause, down to the millisecond-

   10. TVTheo Von0:51

       Nuh-uh.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:51

       ... an infinite number of times.

   12. TVTheo Von0:53

       And you believe it?

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:54

       Yes.

   14. TVTheo Von0:55

       No.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:55

       Not just one, not just one time, but an unending number of times, 'cause that's how big infinity is. You're not buying it?

   16. TVTheo Von1:04

       I bet infinity's smaller than that.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:05

       (laughs)

   18. TVTheo Von1:06

       If I had to bet ... Yeah, I, I, I just don't think that that could ... For me, that couldn't ha- uh, uh ... For me, if I, if I knew that that was true, that would just break my heart, I feel like.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:14

       Why?

   20. TVTheo Von1:14

       'Cause then you would feel like everything you're doing feels pointless, you know?

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:17

       But isn't it anyway? Just what you know about the universe, let's just say the universe was limited to the size of this galaxy.

   22. TVTheo Von1:24

       Okay.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:25

       Right?

   24. TVTheo Von1:25

       Which it really could be.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:26

       Could be. I mean, we're ... You and I, let's be honest, we're kinda dumb.

   26. TVTheo Von1:29

       Right.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:30

       Right? We're fairly dumb.

   28. TVTheo Von1:30

       Oh, yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:31

       Yeah.

   30. TVTheo Von1:31

       I'm just guessing.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Amount of moisture. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      to level up the-

   2. NANarrator15:02

      Amount of moisture.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:03

      ... amount of moisture to generate more rain. Huh.

   4. TVTheo Von15:06

      I could see them doing that.

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:07

      Dr. Habib adding that the best season for seeding is between June and August. Huh.

   6. TVTheo Von15:13

      Hm.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:15

      So something, I mean, there's, there's other ways-

   8. TVTheo Von15:17

      They're blasting salt up into the... Yeah. See-

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:18

      Yeah. They spray shit and it makes it rain.

   10. TVTheo Von15:21

       I find that the moon... Say we went to the moon. The moon seems like something Delta could get to, if you really think about it.

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:26

       (laughs)

   12. TVTheo Von15:26

       Like, you know what I'm saying?

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:27

       Delta Airlines?

   14. TVTheo Von15:27

       Yeah. Like, if they-

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:28

       Not Southwest though, right?

   16. TVTheo Von15:30

       I mean...

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:31

       They seem a little shaky.

   18. TVTheo Von15:31

       Yeah. (laughs) They seem a little bit shaky on there. Some of the people are in there wearing shorts, you know what I'm saying?

   19. JRJoe Rogan15:36

       (laughs)

   20. TVTheo Von15:36

       When you get on. I don't trust anybody in shorts, especially at church.

   21. JRJoe Rogan15:40

       Right.

   22. TVTheo Von15:40

       But, um, I'll say this. When you, uh... Like, it's crazy, we've been flying across America for, you know, 40, 50 years now, right?

   23. JRJoe Rogan15:48

       More.

   24. TVTheo Von15:48

       Like... Yeah. Even more maybe.

   25. JRJoe Rogan15:49

       Yeah.

   26. TVTheo Von15:50

       You know? And it seems like it's, uh, we could figure out how to get into space.

   27. JRJoe Rogan15:56

       It's harder than that, for sure. First of all, it's 262,000 miles. You know, the Earth is 24,000 miles around. So a full trip from right here, so you start in, uh, Calabasas-

   28. TVTheo Von16:08

       Okay.

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:08

       ... and you do a full trip all the way around the planet and land in Calabasas. That's 24,000 miles.

   30. TVTheo Von16:15

       Okay. So it's, like, 12 times that or something? 30, th- (laughs)
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   See, that's dirty, man.…

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      to work with." And then he would shut their careers down. All these different, these different women found out, like when they, their careers fell apart, they found out that was going on. There he is. What happened? What happened?

   2. TVTheo Von30:11

      See, that's dirty, man. Oh, him, huh?

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:13

      Yeah. From the Met. (coughs) James Levine.

   4. TVTheo Von30:17

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:18

      Sexual abuse claims. Yeah. Well, this is from December-

   6. TVTheo Von30:22

      He's got a little stick in his hand too.

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:23

      ... of 2017, but that has been, it's been ... There's recent stuff. Put up, pull up, uh, sexual abuse James Levine, because the, the more recent stuff is like much more confirmed, like a bunch of people came out and ...

   8. TVTheo Von30:38

      We had a dude in our neighborhood named, uh, Mr. Langenstein, and he used to invite us over to, uh, chill out and shit, but we didn't know he was, that he was a-... pedophile, but-

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:48

      You didn't know?

   10. TVTheo Von30:50

       No.

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:50

       How'd you find out?

   12. TVTheo Von30:51

       He ended up going to jail for it.

   13. JRJoe Rogan30:53

       So you were hanging out with him for a while and you didn't know?

   14. TVTheo Von30:56

       Yeah. We met him at school.

   15. JRJoe Rogan30:57

       (laughs)

   16. TVTheo Von30:57

       We thought he was just this cool old dude who liked to smoke pot, right? With children.

   17. JRJoe Rogan31:00

       Yeah.

   18. TVTheo Von31:00

       And one time, he bought us some steaks, 'cause he would like, you know, treat us nice, you know, and be ... He would take us ... He took us to Marilyn Manson, me and my best friend. He took us to Marilyn Manson.

   19. JRJoe Rogan31:09

       Really?

   20. TVTheo Von31:09

       We were like 15. We couldn't even get in. It was a 18-year-old show.

   21. JRJoe Rogan31:12

       And how old was he?

   22. TVTheo Von31:13

       He was probably 70.

   23. JRJoe Rogan31:15

       Wow.

   24. TVTheo Von31:15

       So ... And he had like a red convertible, you know? And that's ... Everybody wants to be in a convertible.

   25. JRJoe Rogan31:22

       (laughs)

   26. TVTheo Von31:23

       And so we got in and we went and, um ... Anyway, he, you know, he would ... He got us some steaks one time and the steak come with baked potato, a side item. So we had, uh, sour cream on th- on the baked potatoes. And my buddy was in, uh, in my buddy was in the kitchen and he said, "Hey, I'm out of, um, sour cream. Can I have some of yours?" And I said, "No, but you can have some of my sweet cream." You know, just making like a joke about semen.

   27. JRJoe Rogan31:51

       Right.

   28. TVTheo Von31:52

       And then big Langenstein, the dude goes, "Can I have some?" And that's when all the fucking wheels turned.

   29. JRJoe Rogan32:00

       And you realized-

   30. TVTheo Von32:01

       Yeah.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Really? …

   1. TVTheo Von45:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      Really?

   3. TVTheo Von45:00

      ... I feel like I've... I just feel like it's so dangerous.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:02

      Could you imagine if it, it turns out that you're some sort of a sex criminal for jerking off to a certain type of thing? Like, what if you're into-

   5. TVTheo Von45:12

      (coughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:12

      (clears throat) What if they find out you're into girls getting tied up and jerk off to videos of girls getting tied up and fucked?

   7. TVTheo Von45:19

      Like, what kind of tied up? Like, scary or, like, fucking, like, uh-

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:22

      Or even like the S&M shit. Just, like, let's just do mild-

   9. TVTheo Von45:25

      Like, Boy Scouts of America type of shit.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:27

       ... like, think about it. I was reading this thing about this guy who got arrested for child porn. They wanted him for something else, but they caught him and arrested him for child porn. And, like, there's also some suspicion attached to it, accusations.

   11. TVTheo Von45:37

       Mm-hmm.

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:37

       But all you have to have is have child porn. You don't have to be a child molester. You just have to have the images.

   13. TVTheo Von45:47

       And you're a bad guy.

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:47

       And you're, you're the worst. You're going to jail. Like, it's one of the few things-

   15. TVTheo Von45:52

       Mm-hmm.

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:52

       ... you could have on your laptop. They can go in your house, la- your house, they check Theo Von's laptop, and there's 100 videos from ISIS and them chopping dudes' heads off with dull knives, stabbing them in the neck, shooting them, lighting them on fire.

   17. TVTheo Von46:05

       Mm.

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:06

       Nothing happens to you. Nothing. One video of a kid that looks underage getting fucked and you're going to jail. Just a video. Not you doing anything, but you being in possession of that kind of crime. So we, we make big differentiations, right?

   19. TVTheo Von46:23

       Mm-hmm.

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:23

       We really clearly differentiate between some crimes that you can have on your computer in a video form, like murder, which you could download on LiveLeak or 100 different websites, right? You can get videos of people getting murdered.

   21. TVTheo Von46:37

       Yeah, and you can watch it almost every night on television, like, in a-

   22. JRJoe Rogan46:40

       (coughs)

   23. TVTheo Von46:40

       ... kind of specially packaged way where it's, really is about the murder, but it's not.

   24. JRJoe Rogan46:44

       Yeah, you can watch-

   25. TVTheo Von46:44

       You know, in all these shows.

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:45

       ... the fake stuff. Yeah, you can watch fake stuff. I mean, you can definitely watch fake rape, too. There's f- rape in movies where, you know, it's horrific scenes. But if you have that on your computer and it's child porn, you are going to jail. It's one of the only things.

   27. TVTheo Von47:00

       What if it's drawings of that?

   28. JRJoe Rogan47:01

       Mm, that's a good question. There's a, there's a real debate about that because-

   29. TVTheo Von47:05

       'Cause there's naked children in the 1800s, they had all those paintings of naked children dancing in the fucking woods, in the sky.

   30. JRJoe Rogan47:11

       Yeah.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:06:39

   Mm-hmm. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      'cause they don't wanna be alone. Like, sex, for a lot of people, is a requirement, like a physical, biological requirement. Like, your body is constantly producing sperm.

   2. TVTheo Von1:00:11

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      You need sex. If you spend time not having sex, you spend a month, two months, three months, you get fucking desperate.

   4. TVTheo Von1:00:18

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:18

      And a lot of guys wind up just shacking up with some gal just 'cause they know they can have sex with her. And meanwhile, they don't even like each other and they hate each other and it winds up being a terrible dysfunctional relationship, but she's basically your drug dealer. That drug is pussy.

   6. TVTheo Von1:00:31

      Wow.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:32

      She's dealing out that pussy for you, and you just gotta have this weird, creepy dysfunctional relationship with her. One thing that pornography does that's good, and I'm not saying all pornography, but just regular pornography, like two guys, uh, you know, like, uh, that are just living their lives.

   8. TVTheo Von1:00:51

      Where? Like in, like, Chicago?

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:52

      I mean anywhere, but I'm saying, like, I'm, I'm giving you two separate scenarios.

   10. TVTheo Von1:00:55

       Okay.

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:55

       Like two guys that are living their lives. One guy says, "I can't take this anymore. I gotta get a girl, you know, I gotta get any girl." And he winds up with this girl that turns out to be a nightmare and she's a disaster.

   12. TVTheo Von1:01:08

       The devil.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:01:08

       And it, it just doesn't work out and he's just doing it because he needs sex. And the other guy goes, says, "You know what? I'm just gonna watch a little porn and I'll beat off. Just look at that girl, those big tits." (blows raspberries)

   14. TVTheo Von1:01:18

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:01:18

       I'm like, "Whew, I got it out of my system. Now I can concentrate on my life, my career, and if I meet somebody, I won't be so needy. I won't have this, like, massive requirement to be sexually stimulated and touched."

   16. TVTheo Von1:01:29

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:01:29

       "I'll, I'll be-... free of that monkey on my back and I can just get to know them. (coughs)

   18. TVTheo Von1:01:35

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:01:35

       So, I used to always ... I used to have a bit in my act.

   20. TVTheo Von1:01:38

       It's a good point.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:01:38

       I used to have a bit in my act about like if you have any critical decisions in your life, this is my advice. Jerk off first, then think about it. 'Cause there's been ma- I've, I've had this happen in my life, where I was about to go on a date with a girl-

   22. TVTheo Von1:01:49

       Mm-hmm.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:01:50

       ... and I jerked off instead. And I was like, "What am I thinking? I don't wanna go on a date with her."

   24. TVTheo Von1:01:55

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:01:55

       "She's annoying. I don't like anything about her. I don't... I can't talk to her about anything. Like the only reason why I'm doing this is 'cause she's got a big ass. That's the only reason."

   26. TVTheo Von1:02:03

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:02:04

       But if you jerk off first, you don't, you don't go through all that.

   28. TVTheo Von1:02:08

       Yeah. I did for m- yeah, I guess for me, it became addictive where I would just do that every time and then I was just at home for five years and didn't, you know, go do any dates or anything.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:02:15

       That's definitely not good.

   30. TVTheo Von1:02:16

       Right. And so that's ... Yeah, I guess that's the difference. If you get addicted to it and you find that it's just a repeat pattern, so you're not spending time with people at all.

Episode duration: 1:54:05