Joe Rogan Experience #1118 - Theo Von

Theo Von is a stand-up comedian, television personality, host, and actor. Check out his special on Netflix called "No Offense" & his podcast called "This Past Weekend" available on iTunes & YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5AQEUAwCh1sGDvkQtkDWUQ

Joe RoganhostTheo Vonguest

May 18, 20181h 54mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,025 words

0:00 – 3:03
Infinity, multiverses, and the unsettling idea of “another Theo Von”
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Here we go, baby. Five, four, three, two, one. Boom. And there can be only one Theo Von.
2. TVTheo Von
  Well, far as we know. Far as I know.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  In the universe, though, do you know what they think?
4. TVTheo Von
  What?
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Do you know, the co- the concept of infinity, apparently, is explained to me, by people far smarter than us, is that the universe is so big-
6. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  ... that not only is there intelligent life out there, for sure, but there's humans out there, for sure.
8. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  And infinity is so big that that means somewhere in the universe, there is another Theo Von that has done exactly the same things that you've done, said exactly the same things that you've said, been in the same conversations that you've been in, down to that pause, down to the millisecond-
10. TVTheo Von
  Nuh-uh.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ... an infinite number of times.
12. TVTheo Von
  And you believe it?
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes.
14. TVTheo Von
  No.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Not just one, not just one time, but an unending number of times, 'cause that's how big infinity is. You're not buying it?
16. TVTheo Von
  I bet infinity's smaller than that.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
18. TVTheo Von
  If I had to bet ... Yeah, I, I, I just don't think that that could ... For me, that couldn't ha- uh, uh ... For me, if I, if I knew that that was true, that would just break my heart, I feel like.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Why?
20. TVTheo Von
  'Cause then you would feel like everything you're doing feels pointless, you know?
21. JRJoe Rogan
  But isn't it anyway? Just what you know about the universe, let's just say the universe was limited to the size of this galaxy.
22. TVTheo Von
  Okay.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Right?
24. TVTheo Von
  Which it really could be.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Could be. I mean, we're ... You and I, let's be honest, we're kinda dumb.
26. TVTheo Von
  Right.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Right? We're fairly dumb.
28. TVTheo Von
  Oh, yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
30. TVTheo Von
  I'm just guessing.
3:03 – 6:41
Black holes as portals, the expanding universe, and the Big Bang sounding “childish”
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Look at this. What are you showing me here, Jamie?
2. TVTheo Von
  What is that?
3. NANarrator
  This is, uh, what the simulation on the inside of a black hole ...
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Whoa.
5. TVTheo Von
  That's iMovie, bro. That could be anything.
6. NANarrator
  Do the inside of it.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Whoa. Do that shit again. Well, this is just a ... This is just animation. So the idea is you go through the black hole and you wake up again, a baby-
8. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
9. JRJoe Rogan
  ... in Louisiana.
10. TVTheo Von
  Oh, man. (laughs) Come on, man.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Your mama's cuddling you. "Oh, you're such a sweet thing." You know?
12. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Birds are chirping.
14. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
15. JRJoe Rogan
  But they're, they're chirping 200 trillion light years away.
16. TVTheo Von
  Wow.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
18. TVTheo Von
  You believe it?
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Believe is a weird word because-
20. TVTheo Von
  Do you feel it?
21. JRJoe Rogan
  ... it's too big. I don't even feel sun. The sun, I go outside and I go, "Oh, yeah, it's warm." But I don't feel that there's a thing that's a million times bigger than Earth that's floating in the sky.
22. TVTheo Von
  No.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  I don't feel that.
24. TVTheo Von
  To me, the hard part for me is when they say that the universe keeps expanding, you know?
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
26. TVTheo Von
  It sounds like something a child would say.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
28. TVTheo Von
  That part sounds fiction to me. Like, it just keeps growing and growing and growing and growing, you're like, "What?" It sounds like something like my four-year-old nephew would say if, like, he won't go to sleep at night, you know?
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, the real one is the birth of the universe, that's the real one, like, the Big Bang. So before the Big Bang, the universe was smaller than the head of a pin, the whole thing.
30. TVTheo Von
  Right.
6:41 – 8:53
Aliens, “why haven’t they visited,” and Joe’s AI-replaces-space-travel theory
1. TVTheo Von
  I mean, but what's out there in the world, in the universe, I mean, I think if something were out there, it would've stopped by, by now.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  I don't know about that.
3. TVTheo Von
  It's been a lot of time.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  It's a lot of space. A lot of space it has to go through. I think that things get so smart that they don't do that anymore. This is what I think. Um, I think that this whole idea about space travel-
5. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  ... I don't think they do that after a while.
7. TVTheo Von
  (clears throat)
8. JRJoe Rogan
  I think they get so fucking smart, they become symbiotic with machines. And I think artificial life and artificial intelligence, they create their own reality and literally create their own universes. I don't think they bother traveling.
9. TVTheo Von
  Oh, they're just thinking it up and then there it is?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  I think they make things. You know, I think when... I think... And this is just a thought, but I think what's gonna happen with us, I mean, we take little trips, send a rover to Mars and shit.
11. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  You know, and we send probes into space. But-
13. TVTheo Von
  Florida, anywhere.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
15. TVTheo Von
  You know what I mean? You go local, anything is a, you know, can be a big adventure. But yeah, we go out to the moon. We went to the moon a couple times supposedly, you know?
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Right. But what we don't d- w- what, you know, what we're doing with these little tiny trips, it's like all fairly close. It's all inside of our solar system, right?
17. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  What th- we're saying is that someone is going way, way, way further than that. So they would have to be way more advanced than that.
19. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  What I look at us, and I look at artificial life and artificial intelligence and how close we are to creating something that's smarter than us-
21. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  ... like within the next 100 years, we're gonna have some form of artificial life that's probably way smarter than us, and it's gonna create even better versions of artificial life. It's gonna improve upon the design. And then there's gonna be things that they can do in terms of like recreating reality in your own mind. Like sit- you and I sitting across from each other.
23. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  We're experiencing this table. We're experiencing looking at each other. We're friends. We have a history together. We talk a lot.
25. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  So this, we, we, w- we're used to being in each other's presence. There's all these feelings and thinking and thoughts going on. I think they're gonna be able to recreate that. I think they're gonna be able to recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable from this moment that we're experiencing right now.
27. TVTheo Von
  Wow. So then y- I mean, do- are humans just gonna become obsolete then?
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, I think so.
29. TVTheo Von
  Okay. Well... (sighs) Dang it.
8:53 – 10:43
Evolution as precedent: from single-celled life to tech superseding humans
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Dang it? Don't you think we are? I mean, if you go back, right? Go back-
2. TVTheo Von
  It just makes me feel-
3. JRJoe Rogan
  ... to single-celled organisms.
4. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Go back to single-celled or-
6. TVTheo Von
  It's like an amoeba or something?
7. JRJoe Rogan
  The first time single-celled organisms became multi-celled organisms-
8. TVTheo Von
  Just a booger in the world.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  ... how many of them, how many of them were hanging back and going, "Man, fuck that. I'm gonna live in the woods. I'm gonna stay single celled. Single cell's the way to go."
10. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. A lot of people probably are like- (laughs)
11. JRJoe Rogan
  "This multi-celled stuff is bullshit. I don't need to see things, man. Fuck you."
12. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  "I don't need a phone, motherfucker."
14. TVTheo Von
  (laughs) Yeah.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  "I'm a single-celled organism just chilling-"
16. TVTheo Von
  Yeah, I got a Chevy.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  "... at the bottom of the ocean."
18. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. (laughs) .
19. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) You know, "Things don't have to get any better."
20. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  "I'm like, I'm right like this."
22. TVTheo Von
  "I'm not gonna get a job. I'm gonna be a hitman." Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  So if you looked at single-celled organisms, they eventually became Theo Von, right? That's a w- that's a complicated leap from single-celled organisms from billions of years ago to Theo Von. Holy shit, is that a leap. To-
24. TVTheo Von
  To w- to a human.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a big leap.
26. TVTheo Von
  So you're saying it would be crazy for us if we didn't continue to move forward.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Exactly. We're going to.
28. TVTheo Von
  That's a good point.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  It's gonna happen. Everything does. We're gonna improve upon this. I mean, we're different now. People are bigger and stronger and faster than they were just 100 years ago because of nutrition, you know, and the, those genes. Now, now I'm not saying that the genes of people who exercise and are healthy, they're better-
30. TVTheo Von
  Mm.
10:43 – 12:49
Eddie Bravo as a “deaf Jack Russell”: conspiracy intensity and late-night links
1. TVTheo Von
  Dude, I talked to your buddy, Eddie Bravo, and that guy is a real...
2. JRJoe Rogan
  He's out there.
3. TVTheo Von
  He's like a Jack, he's like a deaf, like a deaf Jack Russell almost, you know?
4. JRJoe Rogan
  A deaf Jack Russell?
5. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. 'Cause once he gets going, you can't...
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, Jack Russell Terrier?
7. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. You ever been around one of those dogs, you open the car and then the next thing you know, they're like, oh... Yeah.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  (barks)
9. TVTheo Von
  They're like sick... Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  But how's he deaf?
11. TVTheo Von
  'Cause you can't get him back.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
13. TVTheo Von
  Like, once he goes, you can't... (laughs) You know what I'm saying? You can't get him back in the car.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) "He's a deaf Jack Russell."
15. TVTheo Von
  Like, you're sitting there honking the horn, you can't... That guy's out there. You know at home, you know who I'm talking about?
16. JRJoe Rogan
  I do know who you're talking about (laughs) , but I've never heard anybody make a b- a de- description like that-
17. TVTheo Von
  Oh.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  ... a deaf Jack Russell Terrier. That is hilarious.
19. TVTheo Von
  He's extravagant, dude.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
21. TVTheo Von
  That man's extravagant.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  He goes deep.
23. TVTheo Von
  He's so motivated.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  He loves conspiracies more than anybody I've ever met in my life, and he thinks everything is a conspiracy.
25. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. No, no, he def- yeah. Uh, and, but then he gets into it, like, I don't know. Uh, it was fascinating to me how he went from just, like, one genre of life to the next and created a business in each one and kept moving forward.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  A business?
27. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. He got, like, he was a mus- he liked music.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
29. TVTheo Von
  He started a band. You know, he liked, uh, karate, he started doing, um, you know, organized karate. He liked, uh, you know, what else did he b- p- a, a couple of other businesses, I think. He got into a couple of other things. I don't know what the other two were.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
12:49 – 15:21
Chemtrails vs. real geoengineering: cloud seeding and making it rain in Abu Dhabi
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Like he was really into chemtrails for a while. But man, I, I know he probably won't admit it, but it's pretty obvious chemtrails are bullshit.
2. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Pretty fucking obvious. You know?
4. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. It's just writing, 'cause they can write birthday. They can write Happy Birthday Rhonda-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
6. TVTheo Von
  ... or something. And that's not... That just seems like-
7. JRJoe Rogan
  That's smoke.
8. TVTheo Von
  ... it's somebody's birthday.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Tha- I think when they do that, they're doing that, like, on purpose. But, uh, the chemtrail thing is just, it's just nonsense. There's, there is some evidence that they have experimented with spraying stuff in the sky, and they definitely seed clouds in certain parts of the world-
10. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ... and certain parts of the country. You know, they can make it rain, like, uh, in, uh, w- it's, uh, it's Abu Dhabi, right, where they make it rain once a week.
12. TVTheo Von
  Wow.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Once a week. It's, they're, they live in the desert. I went to-
14. TVTheo Von
  They send jets up there?
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Yeah. They send jets. And I think they use something, silver iodine or something like that. Is that what it is?
16. TVTheo Von
  That'd be awesome. Be one of those pilots.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  And they also, they, one of these pilots. They spray into the clouds and somehow or another it, uh, makes it rain.
18. TVTheo Von
  You know, when Eddie ca-, when I was talking to, uh, with, with Eddie, one thing I was thinking about was, do you think that there are aliens o- do you think that robots will get so advanced that they will, like, become aware?
19. JRJoe Rogan
  And what does he say?
20. TVTheo Von
  Oh, I don't know what he said. I guess I'm, I'm asking you.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
22. TVTheo Von
  'Cause he went off on something else, and he didn't-
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
24. TVTheo Von
  ... really answer it. He said-
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. He doesn't get too much into-
26. TVTheo Von
  Think about it.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  ... artificial intelligence.
28. TVTheo Von
  You know?
29. JRJoe Rogan
  He's more into, like, the FBI trying to fuck us over. (laughs)
30. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. Well, he told me in the bathroom after we talked.
15:21 – 19:02
The moon landing: travel distances, radiation risks, and why hoax theories hook people
1. TVTheo Von
  I find that the moon... Say we went to the moon. The moon seems like something Delta could get to, if you really think about it.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
3. TVTheo Von
  Like, you know what I'm saying?
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Delta Airlines?
5. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. Like, if they-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Not Southwest though, right?
7. TVTheo Von
  I mean...
8. JRJoe Rogan
  They seem a little shaky.
9. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. (laughs) They seem a little bit shaky on there. Some of the people are in there wearing shorts, you know what I'm saying?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
11. TVTheo Von
  When you get on. I don't trust anybody in shorts, especially at church.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
13. TVTheo Von
  But, um, I'll say this. When you, uh... Like, it's crazy, we've been flying across America for, you know, 40, 50 years now, right?
14. JRJoe Rogan
  More.
15. TVTheo Von
  Like... Yeah. Even more maybe.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
17. TVTheo Von
  You know? And it seems like it's, uh, we could figure out how to get into space.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  It's harder than that, for sure. First of all, it's 262,000 miles. You know, the Earth is 24,000 miles around. So a full trip from right here, so you start in, uh, Calabasas-
19. TVTheo Von
  Okay.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  ... and you do a full trip all the way around the planet and land in Calabasas. That's 24,000 miles.
21. TVTheo Von
  Okay. So it's, like, 12 times that or something? 30, th- (laughs)
22. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Yeah. S- yeah, something like that.
23. TVTheo Von
  Well-
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
25. TVTheo Von
  ... we could do that.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Who's we?
27. TVTheo Von
  Who's we? I mean... (laughs)
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Who's we?
29. TVTheo Von
  The-
30. JRJoe Rogan
  What's this we shit, white man?
19:02 – 23:02
Dutch moon rocks, “aerodynamic” faces, Amsterdam chaos, and gay pride boat insanity
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, there's so many things. The, the, the um, what is it? The Prime Minister of Holland? Who is it of Holland?
2. TVTheo Von
  And I met Buzz Aldrin.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  They, they met, they gave this guy a piece of moon rock and it turned out to be, uh, a piece of petrified wood. But it was signed and a plaque. It was delivered by, you know, Michael Collins, and Buzz Aldrin, and Neil Armstrong. And they're like, "This is a piece of moon rock for, you know, this is, we're giving this to Holland. This is amazing." Like, "Wow, you're giving us a piece of the moon, that's so cool." And then they finally, wound up finally testing it, it's a piece of petrified wood. It wasn't from the moon.
4. TVTheo Von
  It was fake.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  It's fake. Yeah.
6. TVTheo Von
  Then why did the Dutch want it?
7. JRJoe Rogan
  So there's a bunch of things like that. Well, it's a gift to a country, you know.
8. TVTheo Von
  Oh, I see.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  But-
10. TVTheo Von
  The Dutch are wild, man.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  But that also could've been ... You gotta deal with the ... You're talking about the 1960s, Richard Nixon was the president and he was an asshole. You know, who, he's like probably, "Fuck them, not giving them a moon rock. Give 'em, get, get, get one of those petrified w-" This would be hilarious.
12. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Take a piece of petrified wood.
14. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
15. JRJoe Rogan
  We got four kilograms of moon rocks.
16. TVTheo Von
  That's like-
17. JRJoe Rogan
  We ain't giving shit to the Dutch, you know?
18. TVTheo Von
  Dude, the Dutch, I mean, that shit, they don't ... Yeah. I mean, uh, actually who gives a fuck? Is, you know, like, uh, you know, respect to the Dutch, but-
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Some of the greatest kickboxers of all time-
20. TVTheo Von
  Really?
21. JRJoe Rogan
  ... came out of that one spot.
22. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  With the aerodynamic too. You ever seen a Dutch person?
24. TVTheo Von
  They're big.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, and also their r- extremely, if you look at their faces, they're extremely aerodynamic.
26. TVTheo Von
  Seeing that they travel through space better? Is that what you're saying?
27. JRJoe Rogan
  I think if you taped s- like, one to the front of a plane, it wouldn't-
28. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
29. JRJoe Rogan
  ... you know, it wouldn't be that hard on 'em.
30. TVTheo Von
  Good, so you have good symmetry, that what you're saying?
23:02 – 24:24
Theo’s bad back saga: a painting injury, surgery, and medical-billing rage
1. TVTheo Von
  Oh, yeah. Dude, I'm in that bad back club, man. It's hard, once you get that-
2. JRJoe Rogan
  What happened?
3. TVTheo Von
  I just had a, I just, I think God just put like a weak spine in me, and so-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. TVTheo Von
  ... when I was like 27, I was paint- I was painting a wall. And I leaned for like maybe 40 minutes, leaning out with a paint thing.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm-hmm.
7. TVTheo Von
  And when I leaned back in, my back wasn't right anymore.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  That was it?
9. TVTheo Von
  And it's been bad ever since.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Really?
11. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Huh.
13. TVTheo Von
  I'd have part of my vertebrae, somebody, uh, this man took it out at Cedars-Sinai, a man.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  He took it out?
15. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  What'd he do with it? Did you know him first? Did you guys talk?
17. TVTheo Von
  No, I met him through insurance.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
19. TVTheo Von
  But he got it, and they, and I've, I've been, it's been hit or miss since then.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  What's he doing with it?
21. TVTheo Von
  Oh, I don't know.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Did he keep it-
23. TVTheo Von
  I can't afford to go back and see him again. It's $7500, I need to go talk to him. Really? Fuck, yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, just to talk to him.
25. TVTheo Von
  It's like, I got weaseled outta this shit. (laughs)
26. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a scam, that's a scam. "Wanna talk to me? You sit on that side of the desk and give me $7500."
27. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
28. JRJoe Rogan
  "Your time starts now."
29. TVTheo Von
  Yeah, man.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  "Yeah, you gotta take a piece of your back out, that's it."
24:24 – 29:09
Gullibility, religion, and Hollywood darkness: Ronan Farrow, Weinstein, and gatekeepers
1. TVTheo Von
  Sandy? Yeah, I think so. The more I've looked back at my life and kind of charted out when I've been gullible and when I haven't.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  What's the biggest one? That you look back and go, "How the fuck did I believe that?"
3. TVTheo Von
  Um, I would say probably-... re- you know, o- overall religion, probably, when I look back.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Were you super religious when you were a kid?
5. TVTheo Von
  I wasn't super religious, but I, you know, I just wanted it all, like everything, like in the Bi- you know, I just-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Wanted it to be real.
7. TVTheo Von
  Yeah, I guess I wanted it to be real, or it just made it hard, it made it tough for some other things, you know. You're like, first it was like, "Fuck, I gotta remember all this shit?" Like, I can't remember ... I'm not gonna be able to be accepted by God or someone, because I can't even remember what's in this book, you know. Like, I'm gonna need to hire a tutor just to be, go to heaven, you know, like, 'cause the Bible is ... Bro, it's not the best book.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Well-
9. TVTheo Von
  You know?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  ... it was really good when it was written.
11. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  But it's like, try to watch a movie from the 1930s.
13. TVTheo Von
  (laughs)
14. JRJoe Rogan
  You'd be like, "Look at this corny fucking acting."
15. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Right?
17. TVTheo Von
  Yeah, yeah. (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  You know what I mean? (laughs)
19. TVTheo Von
  (laughs) I mean, there's nine chapters about livestock, like it gets ...
20. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Does it really?
21. TVTheo Von
  It gets hell- it gets hella risque in the middle.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  I haven't really read the whole thing cover to cover, and I haven't read any of it in a long time.
23. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  I read it when I was in, when I was in the, I guess I was, I was living in Florida, so I was 11.
25. TVTheo Von
  Oh, that's a good time to read it.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  And, and they handed them out in school. And I remember my parents being a little disturbed by it, 'cause I'd gone from, uh, Catholic school in the first grade (coughs) . My mom split up with my dad. My mom shacked up with my stepdad, who was a hippie. She kind of became a bit of a hippie too, and we fell way out of religion. So th- the Catholic Church and all that stuff was a thing of the past.
27. TVTheo Von
  Was that pretty cool, the hippie stepdad?
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, yeah, he's a good guy. Very nice guy. Um, it was weird, you know. He had long hair and shit. Like-
29. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Long hair, like down to the middle of his back, and so like, my friends would come over and they'd-
29:09 – 39:31
Predators in real life: neighborhood grooming stories and why pedophilia is uniquely taboo
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, there's definitely something to that, 'cause l- how about that composer that turned out to be even more of a fucking asshole than Harvey Weinstein? There's this one composer that was just fucking all these young boys, and if you didn't fuck him, and they just, they recently got rid of him. (coughs) But he was just running things through sex, and, you know, he just basically had a sex cult going on. Fi- find out who the fuck that guy was. But he was a cherished, famous, loved composer. And it turned out this, this dude was just running the freak show behind the scenes.
2. TVTheo Von
  He was being dirty?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Just, not just being dirty, but that was the way to get in. And if this guy shut you down, you were shut down forever.
4. TVTheo Von
  Oh.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  You weren't working anymore.
6. TVTheo Von
  So he was like the, he was like the gatekeeper kind of. He was like a Harvey Weinstein of music.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Like Harvey Weinstein, like what Harvey Weinstein was doing to those actresses is, he would try to fuck them, they'd get mad at him, and he would blackball them. He would say, "You're not working anymore."
8. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  "You're too difficult to work with." And then he would shut their careers down. All these different, these different women found out, like when they, their careers fell apart, they found out that was going on. There he is. What happened? What happened?
10. TVTheo Von
  See, that's dirty, man. Oh, him, huh?
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. From the Met. (coughs) James Levine.
12. TVTheo Von
  Mm-hmm.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Sexual abuse claims. Yeah. Well, this is from December-
14. TVTheo Von
  He's got a little stick in his hand too.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  ... of 2017, but that has been, it's been ... There's recent stuff. Put up, pull up, uh, sexual abuse James Levine, because the, the more recent stuff is like much more confirmed, like a bunch of people came out and ...
16. TVTheo Von
  We had a dude in our neighborhood named, uh, Mr. Langenstein, and he used to invite us over to, uh, chill out and shit, but we didn't know he was, that he was a-... pedophile, but-
17. JRJoe Rogan
  You didn't know?
18. TVTheo Von
  No.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  How'd you find out?
20. TVTheo Von
  He ended up going to jail for it.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  So you were hanging out with him for a while and you didn't know?
22. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. We met him at school.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
24. TVTheo Von
  We thought he was just this cool old dude who liked to smoke pot, right? With children.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
26. TVTheo Von
  And one time, he bought us some steaks, 'cause he would like, you know, treat us nice, you know, and be ... He would take us ... He took us to Marilyn Manson, me and my best friend. He took us to Marilyn Manson.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Really?
28. TVTheo Von
  We were like 15. We couldn't even get in. It was a 18-year-old show.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  And how old was he?
30. TVTheo Von
  He was probably 70.
39:31 – 50:36
Louisiana mushrooms and porn panic: legality, ‘teen’ labels, and the Traci Lords example
1. TVTheo Von
  And then, yeah, I can't imagine that, dude. I remember one time, I never had anything like that happen to me but I took some mushrooms one time (laughs) to a, uh, par- party in high school. Because I grew up in an area where you could just get mushrooms. I mean, psychedelic mushrooms grew on everything. They grew on your fucking cousin's back if you took a long enough nap, you know?
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Yeah.
3. TVTheo Von
  And you could-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Where'd you grow up where there were-
5. TVTheo Von
  In Louisiana.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  ... th- they grew everywhere out there?
7. TVTheo Von
  Oh, they grew everywhere 'cause everybody had something shitting in their yard and then it would rain every single day for about a half hour, right?
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Wow.
9. TVTheo Von
  So it was just... I mean, you'd see people picking them and eating them and families out there enjoying them in the afternoon. I mean, it was everybody-
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Really?
11. TVTheo Von
  ... was... Oh, it was psychedelic heaven. So we would ride out and go get them. I remember one time getting a trash bag with probably about 35 pounds of mushrooms, right? So, uh, we picked all day and one time a golden retriever came running at us across this field and we thought he was pissed 'cause we were tripping, and then he got to us. We ran for like a half mile.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
13. TVTheo Von
  He got to us finally. We're crawling away from him thinking he's evil and he just fucking (laughs) loved us and licked us.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  A mean golden retriever.
15. TVTheo Von
  Yeah. We fucking thought he was mean, bro.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  That's hilarious.
17. TVTheo Von
  'Cause the hair, his hair was kinda slicked back.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, like an evil golden retriever.
19. TVTheo Von
  Yeah, like in that movie Sometimes They Come Back. Have you ever seen that? That Stephen King movie?
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes.
21. TVTheo Von
  It was kinda like that kind of hair.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
23. TVTheo Von
  But, uh-
24. JRJoe Rogan
  That's not Pet Sematary. Which one's Sometimes They Come Back?
25. TVTheo Von
  Um, the... You know, it's about men that show up back at a high school and they'd all died years earlier in a car accident and they show back up. It's like a Stephen King one. I think it was just-
26. JRJoe Rogan
  When did that one come out?
27. TVTheo Von
  ... made for TV.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  When did that one come out?
29. TVTheo Von
  It... Maybe 18 years ago.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Has there ever been a dude who wrote more awesome horror movies and books than Stephen fucking King?
50:36 – 1:09:03
Porn as addiction vs. tool: discipline, comedian impulse, and “35% of downloads”
1. TVTheo Von
  I- I try to stay off of pornography, man. That's one of my biggest archnemesis is, uh, pornography.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Why?
3. TVTheo Von
  'Cause it just weakens me. It just-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Does it?
5. TVTheo Von
  Yeah.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  How so?
7. TVTheo Von
  I put all my sexual, you know, my fantasies and stuff, uh, they're not mine anymore. You know, they live ... Y- you know, somebody created them better than my imagination can, and so they live in these ... you know, on the internet in these boxes. And it's like ... And if it's not mine, I think, then it's ... I don't value it as much or something. And so I think it- ... It, like, weakens my ability to, like, be able to have sex and, like, be comfortable in that sort of world. And-
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Really?
9. TVTheo Von
  Oh, yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Weakens your ability to be comfortable? Like, how so?
11. TVTheo Von
  Well, because I get used to watching the sex and seeing it and not having to, like, be engaged with my actual feelings or anything. So then I see it-
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (coughs)
13. TVTheo Von
  ... and I still get all the joys out of it, you know, I'm still out there ejacking and, you know-
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Right.
15. TVTheo Von
  ... spraying out naturally.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Spraying.
17. TVTheo Von
  But it's ... I don't get any ... I don't have any of the feelings attached to it. So then when I am engaging with somebody that I care about or something, it just doesn't calculate for me emotionally as well.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Hmm.
19. TVTheo Von
  Um, and that's not maybe. That's just me. Uh, but it does ... It's definitely made it tougher for me over the years, um, 'cause I would have a date set up with a nice girl, and next thing you know, I'm walking through the house and I start thinking about, you know, a little bit of pussy or something and then-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Whoa.
21. TVTheo Von
  ... some tits or something.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Okay.
23. TVTheo Von
  Or I'll even see a fucking ... I'll see a pregnant puppy and see those nipples or something. And the next thing you know, you're on the internet jerking off. And then you-
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, wait a minute. Hold on. What? (laughs)
25. TVTheo Von
  Or like a ... You know what I'm saying? Anything. Anything could lead a man to jack off.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  A pre- a pregnant puppy could make you think-
27. TVTheo Von
  Or-
28. JRJoe Rogan
  ... about human nipples. Is that what you're saying? You're not, like, getting excited about the puppy?
29. TVTheo Von
  No. No. I don't do anything. I don't, I don't believe in bestiality or anything like that. But I think if you, like-
30. JRJoe Rogan
  You don't believe it exists, or (laughs) -

Episode duration: 1:54:05

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Infinity, multiverses, and the unsettling idea of “another Theo Von”

Black holes as portals, the expanding universe, and the Big Bang sounding “childish”

Aliens, “why haven’t they visited,” and Joe’s AI-replaces-space-travel theory

Evolution as precedent: from single-celled life to tech superseding humans

Eddie Bravo as a “deaf Jack Russell”: conspiracy intensity and late-night links

Chemtrails vs. real geoengineering: cloud seeding and making it rain in Abu Dhabi

The moon landing: travel distances, radiation risks, and why hoax theories hook people

Dutch moon rocks, “aerodynamic” faces, Amsterdam chaos, and gay pride boat insanity

Theo’s bad back saga: a painting injury, surgery, and medical-billing rage

Gullibility, religion, and Hollywood darkness: Ronan Farrow, Weinstein, and gatekeepers

Predators in real life: neighborhood grooming stories and why pedophilia is uniquely taboo

Louisiana mushrooms and porn panic: legality, ‘teen’ labels, and the Traci Lords example

Porn as addiction vs. tool: discipline, comedian impulse, and “35% of downloads”

Get more out of YouTube videos.