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The Joe Rogan ExperienceThe Joe Rogan Experience

Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts the podcasts Ari Shaffir’s Skeptic Tank & Punch Drunk Sports. See Ari at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe from August 3-27.

Joe RoganhostAri ShaffirguestGuestguest
Jun 25, 20183h 21mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:04 – 0:38

    Speed-rap cold open, fast rappers, and the absurdity of “triple‑F tits”

    1. JR

      (sighs) Ari Shaffir speed rapping in five, four, three, two, one. (fingers snap) Go.

    2. NA

      (rapping yall)

    3. JR

      (laughs)

    4. NA

      (rapping yall)

    5. JR

      "Kick that booty on the shelf."

    6. AS

      (laughs)

    7. JR

      Yeah. It's th- We were talking about how impressive Mac Lethal is, but then Ari goes, "Yeah, but you gotta read the words."

    8. AS

      Otherwise, you have no idea.

    9. JR

      Yeah, so like-

    10. AS

      So he could be making everything up.

    11. NA

      (rapping yall)

    12. JR

      (laughs)

    13. AS

      (laughs)

    14. JR

      So in that sense-

    15. AS

      Doesn't sound good.

    16. JR

      ... he's gone too far. He's like, "Triple F tits."

    17. AS

      You can't sing along with that.

    18. JR

      No.

    19. AS

      (laughs) The Triple F Tits is exactly right.

    20. JR

      Yeah, he went crazy.

    21. AS

      Where, like, "I like big boobs." He's like, "Oh, do you like this much big boob?" And you're like-

    22. JR

      Shak-a-doom.

    23. AS

      ... "All right, maybe I don't."

  2. 0:38 – 2:26

    Beer-can smashing boobs, Fosters marketing, and “white trash” beer identity

    1. JR

      Those girls who crush beer cans with their fake boobs, you've seen those?

    2. AS

      (laughs) Yeah.

    3. JR

      You ever seen those? They lie out beer cans. They just smash 'em-

    4. AS

      (laughs)

    5. JR

      ... with the weight of their tit. It's, like, the most unsexy thing ever. It's like this hypersexuality gets morphed into this weird distortion where you-

    6. AS

      It's the sexual version of when your dad catches you smoking. He's like-

    7. JR

      (laughs)

    8. AS

      ... "Now smoke the whole pack if you like cigarettes so much."

    9. JR

      That's exactly what it is.

    10. AS

      (laughs)

    11. JR

      Look at this one. Watch this gal.

    12. AS

      (laughs)

    13. JR

      She's got her tits and she smashes these beer cans.

    14. AS

      Oh, my God. Oh.

    15. JR

      Dude-

    16. AS

      Could you imagine?

    17. JR

      ... of course they're Fosters. It's fucking bogus. Of course it's this goddamn-

    18. AS

      (laughs)

    19. JR

      (laughs)

    20. AS

      Australia.

    21. JR

      Australian shit.

    22. AS

      That's hilarious.

    23. JR

      She's straight from Tassie. Look at those fucking ha- Look at Steve Harvey.

    24. AS

      Oh, it's not Australia.

    25. JR

      It's The Steve Harvey Show.

    26. AS

      Uh-

    27. JR

      They just went with Fosters.

    28. AS

      Hysteric, 'cause she's gotta be Australian. That's why they went with Fosters, that kind of behavior. (sighs)

    29. JR

      Maybe they just wanted a big can.

    30. AS

      Big can smash big cans.

  3. 2:26 – 3:33

    Where they’d live: Canada vs. Australia, and the reality of cold/rainy seasons

    1. JR

      If there was another country that I would live in besides America, or besides the United States, it would be Canada. And if there was another country I'd live in besides Canada, it would be Australia, for sure. And Canada because it's right there.

    2. AS

      Canada's too cold.

    3. JR

      Not Vancouver.

    4. AS

      Vancouver's too cold as well.

    5. JR

      Ah, you could handle it, son.

    6. AS

      I could handle it, but-

    7. JR

      You're a traveling man.

    8. AS

      Yeah, I skipped the fucking winter-

    9. JR

      Yeah.

    10. AS

      ... so I could go traveling. Oh, you're o- Oh, you're saying I could travel?

    11. JR

      You're a traveling man.

    12. AS

      Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    13. JR

      Yeah.

    14. AS

      You're right. You're right.

    15. JR

      Because if you're just out there in the rainy season, which is, like, nine months-

    16. AS

      (laughs)

    17. JR

      The other (laughs) the other, the other three months are amazing.

    18. AS

      I was doing the math on New York days the other day of, like, saying how many actual months of nice it is, and it's really is six and six.

    19. JR

      Yeah.

    20. AS

      Not even nine and three.

    21. JR

      No, it's not, six and six. Yeah.

    22. AS

      Fuck.

    23. JR

      Yeah. It's, there's, there's some rugged days in those nice months, too, you know? Those, like, those six-

    24. AS

      Yeah.

    25. JR

      Like, the, the, if you go, like, it's really probably nine, but there's three months that are super sketchy.

    26. AS

      Super sketchy.

    27. JR

      You can get snow in April.

    28. AS

      You d- We got snow in April this year.

    29. JR

      Yeah. Yeah. That's annoying.

    30. AS

      I was in Australia, and I was over, like, it's snowing in New York. I'm like, "Fucking good."

  4. 3:33 – 4:14

    Prince, fentanyl deaths, and festival drug-testing as harm reduction

    1. JR

      I, I used to listen to it when I was delivering newspapers. Th-

    2. AS

      He was great, you know, uh-

    3. JR

      Fuck.

    4. AS

      ... Mark Norman had a theory that was proven wrong, I guess, that, uh, Prince, when he died, he died of the last of the '80s AIDS.

    5. JR

      (sputters) (laughs)

    6. AS

      (laughs) Yeah. He said he's been fighting it hard 'cause of the money, but-

    7. JR

      This is fucking smart.

    8. AS

      ... he got it back then.

    9. JR

      How dare he?

    10. AS

      But now everybody's fucking everybody.

    11. JR

      (laughs)

    12. AS

      (laughs)

    13. JR

      That's actually fucked up. He died from fentanyl, man. They all died from that fentanyl shit.

    14. AS

      Oh, God.

    15. JR

      That stuff kills everybody.

    16. AS

      They're testing drugs now at music festivals.

    17. JR

      They should.

    18. AS

      You're, they, and they did it in Australia when I was there. They do it in UK in some places, where you just come and they, they chip off the smallest amount, and they text you, um-

    19. JR

      If it's okay.

    20. AS

      ... if your stuff is safe or not.

    21. JR

      Oof.

    22. AS

      And then it's way safer to do it than just fucking passing around fentanyl.

  5. 4:14 – 6:22

    Legalization vs. prohibition: does making drugs legal reduce harm or increase use?

    1. JR

      God dammit, they need deregulation. They just do. They just need deregulation. You're not saving anybody by making drugs illegal.

    2. AS

      Yeah.

    3. JR

      You're just making it difficult to get good drugs. That's all you're doing. You're not stopping people from doing drugs. And in fact, when they legalize things, often teen use goes down because it's, uh, doesn't become so attractive anymore. P- People are stupid, all right? We're wired fucked up.

    4. AS

      Yeah.

    5. JR

      And if you tell us we can't do something, that's the thing we wanna do. That's just how it is.

    6. AS

      I will say, to be fair, I will say legalization of drugs would make more people do it. I would have to think it would. But-

    7. JR

      Psychologically, they say no, when they've done studies.

    8. AS

      The- No- There's nobody, though, there are some people that wouldn't normally do it, but like, "Well, there's a store right there. All right, I'll get some."

    9. JR

      That's exactly what it is. Look at this one. Watch this gal. She's got her tits and she smashes these beer cans.

    10. AS

      Oh, my God. Oh.

    11. JR

      Dude, could you imagine?

    12. AS

      Of course they're Fosters. Fucking bogut. Of course this is goddamn-

    13. JR

      (laughs)

    14. AS

      Australian shit.

    15. JR

      That's hilarious.

    16. AS

      She's straight from Tassie.

    17. JR

      Look at those fucking ha- Look at Steve Harvey.

    18. AS

      Oh, it's not Australia.

    19. JR

      It's The Steve Harvey Show.

    20. AS

      Uh-

    21. JR

      They just went with Fosters.

    22. AS

      Hysteric, 'cause she's gotta be Australian. That's why they went with Fosters, that kind of behavior. (sighs)

    23. JR

      Maybe they just wanted a big can.

    24. AS

      Big can smash big cans.

    25. JR

      Yeah, big cans.

    26. AS

      Oh, yeah, maybe. Maybe.

    27. JR

      Fosters, those are giant cans.

    28. AS

      Yeah, they are.

    29. JR

      Maybe Budweiser didn't want any part of it, so they couldn't get a Bud Tall Boy.

    30. AS

      By the way, you know nobody in Australia drinks Fosters.

  6. 6:22 – 7:47

    Mushroom tolerance and the ‘stoned ape’ theory of human evolution

    1. JR

      You can't die from it. You can't.

    2. AS

      You c- But it'll just stop working on you. You won't do anything.

    3. JR

      Exactly.

    4. AS

      You have to keep doubling the dosage.

    5. JR

      Yeah.

    6. AS

      By the end of the week, you'll be doing, like, a pound of mushrooms.

    7. JR

      (snores) And that's fine.

    8. AS

      (laughs) I mean, yeah, exactly. I mean, do that. Your shits will be crazy.

    9. JR

      Well, Dennis McKenna, who I had on last week, his brother, Terrence, had that theory about human evolution. And it's a very compelling theory. And there's-

    10. AS

      That mushrooms make human evolution?

    11. JR

      ... that they might have caused it, but might have been one of several factors. There were several factors. One of them was climate change, like the monkeys had to move down from the trees because there was no food left. And the grasslands had taken over where the, um, rainforests had been.

    12. AS

      Okay.

    13. JR

      Just because of climate change. But that was the same period where all these undulates lived.

    14. AS

      One factor. Yeah.

    15. JR

      So all these cow-like creatures shit all over the place. The mushrooms grew on them.

    16. AS

      The mushrooms grew.

    17. JR

      These monkeys that were experimental, the human monkey, started eating these things, and then started developing language skills-

    18. AS

      Wow.

    19. JR

      ... more sophisticated hunting, better visual, because their visual perception, especially in low doses, it actually increases acuity. Been proven in scientific, double-blind, click-

    20. AS

      Really?

    21. JR

      ... placebo-controlled studies. Yeah. Yeah, you, it increases visual acu-

    22. AS

      Increases your vision?

    23. JR

      Increases your ability to recognize when things are shifting, like say if you have two lines and one of them slightly shifts, like maybe a half of 1% angle, the people that were on mushrooms could see it.

    24. AS

      You ever see a clock and be able to see the minute hand move, like get zoned in where you can, like, slow-

    25. JR

      No.

    26. AS

      ... soar to see it move?

    27. JR

      No.

    28. AS

      I've done it a couple times, but on- it's when I was little.

    29. JR

      Whoa.

    30. AS

      But yeah, that's what, that kind of acuity-

  7. 7:47 – 9:36

    Aging eyesight, smart scheduling, and why sleep changes everything

    1. JR

      My vision sucks now, dude. When I look at a clock, I look at, like, vague numbers.

    2. AS

      Really?

    3. JR

      Like that, that clock right now, like I look at that, that little one right there.

    4. AS

      Yeah.

    5. JR

      I look at th- Those are vague numbers to me.

    6. AS

      You can't see those?

    7. JR

      Oh, I can see them. I know that's 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, 3:00.

    8. AS

      Wow, that's so close. That's four feet away.

    9. JR

      But, yeah, yeah, but now look at this. Bam. Now I could see all the dots. I could see everything.

    10. AS

      Get the surgery.

    11. JR

      No, it's not that. It's, it's, uh-

    12. AS

      Oh, you don't understand.

    13. JR

      ... close. It's, it's nearsightedness. It's what happens when you get older. It's just macular degeneration.

    14. AS

      This is too near for you?

    15. JR

      No, no. Things that are near don't look as good. That's, that's like a good medium distance, but farther things look exactly the same.

    16. AS

      Look the same.

    17. JR

      Yeah.

    18. AS

      Okay, yeah, yeah.

    19. JR

      It's a slow degeneration of your eyesight due to age.

    20. AS

      Yeah.

    21. JR

      My friend who's an op- Remember my friend, Steve Graham?

    22. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    23. JR

      He's an ophthalmologist. He's like, "There's not a goddamn thing you can do about it."

    24. AS

      Doctor Steve with the, with the skier?

    25. JR

      Doctor Steve, yeah. Yeah.

    26. AS

      Oh, I didn't know that.

    27. JR

      From the US Ski Team.

    28. AS

      He told me some great advice I will share with everyone. We were talking about ... On my podcast, we were talking with him about, um, the hours they put in. And I was like, "If you're putting in 10 hours, you can't be as good at 4:30 as you are." He goes, "Oh, there's ... You should never make a doctor appointment in the afternoon."

    29. JR

      Ooh.

    30. AS

      "They're tired. They're not giving you their best work."

  8. 9:36 – 12:11

    Ari’s freedom lifestyle: disappearing to Asia, responsibilities, and perspective shifts

    1. JR

      (sighs) You're living the life, Ari Shaffir, in a lot of ways.

    2. AS

      (laughs) If it's cold out.

    3. JR

      I've told everybody, man, out of all my friends that, you know, quote, unquote, "made it"-

    4. AS

      Uh-huh.

    5. JR

      ... that became successful, you went the full whole hog.

    6. AS

      (laughs)

    7. JR

      You're like the one who never got caught in any of the trappings. You got snipped. You've said, "Fuck it, I want to live in New York." You said-

    8. AS

      Uh-huh.

    9. JR

      ... "Fuck it. I want to disappear in Asia for three months." They tell you to do something with your TV show, and you're like, "Fuck you. It's over."

    10. AS

      (laughs)

    11. JR

      And ... (laughs) I mean, you're really doing what everybody wants to do. I have one fuck you moment ever like that, really, is when, uh, I had a book deal, and I gave them the money back. I didn't ... Like, they were trying to-

    12. AS

      You're like, "I don't want to do this."

    13. JR

      ... fuck with it too much. I was like, "This is annoying."

    14. AS

      Doesn't it feel good to do that?

    15. JR

      "Take the money back." Felt great. But I've only done it-

    16. AS

      Be like, "Nah, you don't control me."

    17. JR

      ... really once. Yeah. No, you're-

    18. AS

      Dude, I feel-

    19. JR

      ... you're an excellent actor. (laughs)

    20. AS

      (laughs) I feel more free than anyone around. I look around at this matrix level of like, "Why don't you guys have more freedom for yourselves?"

    21. JR

      Yeah. You've got the most freedom-

    22. AS

      (laughs)

    23. JR

      ... out of all my friends.

    24. AS

      We were talking about it with Bert and Rannazzisi, and they were like ... We were talking about what we envy of each other's lives, you know, their family life versus my whatever life. And they were like, Bert was like, "What do you think I envy about you, Ari?" I'm like, "Huh." I was like, "I guess my freedom." And he was like, "I have just as much freedom as you." And I was like, "Wha-" (laughs) and I just started laughing.

    25. JR

      Who are you?

    26. AS

      I was like, "What are you talking about?" (laughs)

    27. JR

      Fuck are you talking about?

    28. AS

      (laughs)

    29. JR

      That doesn't make any sense.

    30. AS

      Yeah. He was like, "What do you mean?" And Rannazzisi had to explain it to him. He goes, "Bert, Ari could just, from here, just go away."

  9. 12:11 – 23:22

    The craft of standup: ‘The Talent Code,’ long sets, and cross-training via roast battles

    1. JR

      I'm reading this book, uh, The Talent Code. You ever heard of it?

    2. AS

      Uh-uh.

    3. JR

      It's a really interesting book where they analyze performers in different, different venues, like different things that they do, different sports, different, uh, arts.

    4. AS

      Similarities between them?

    5. JR

      Yeah. And-

    6. AS

      I think Jackson's into that.

    7. JR

      ... who, Greg Jackson?

    8. AS

      Yeah.

    9. JR

      Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's-

    10. AS

      I think of, like, some of their show at points. Yeah.

    11. JR

      ... an amazing book, I think, for anybody. And it makes you really realize, first of all, how many sets you should be doing.

    12. AS

      Mm-hmm.

    13. JR

      You should be doing a ton of long sets, as many long ... The most time on stage you have, the better. It's very critical. Like, the longer-

    14. AS

      Why do you take long sets? So-

    15. JR

      Because an hour, like, you're gonna p- perform if you're headlining.

    16. AS

      Right.

    17. JR

      The most that you can do those, the better, because you really ... There, that's a different thing. When you do a weekend, don't you feel ... Like, if you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday at a comedy club, Saturday night late show, you are fucking colliding.

    18. AS

      I'm ready, I'm ready to fire. And, and, and if I do, like, th- the third straight week of five show weekends, you know?

    19. JR

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    20. AS

      Then it's, like, by the end, it's like, "Oh, you guys are getting a wonderful show right now."

    21. JR

      Dude, you just get smooth.

    22. AS

      Yeah.

    23. JR

      I, the one of the smoothest I ever got was I did that, uh, Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy and Heffron.

    24. AS

      Uh-huh.

    25. JR

      And dude, we did 22 dates in a month. Oh, we were just traveling.

    26. AS

      And then you just had it.

    27. JR

      Whoo, you just go on stage, you're, like, in this zen state. You're just, you're doing so much standup.

    28. AS

      That's how I come back from Edinburgh.

    29. JR

      Yeah. Yeah.

    30. AS

      When you do 25 straight days-

  10. 23:22 – 31:47

    Bombing, rejection, and why standup is harder for women (plus open-mic creepiness)

    1. JR

      And you're subject to bombing a- and, like jump off a bridge bombing at any one of those years.

    2. AS

      Oh yeah, jump off a bridge bombing. The cold ... I was trying to explain to someone what the cold sweats were.

    3. JR

      (sighs)

    4. AS

      And how it's like-

    5. JR

      Horrible.

    6. AS

      ... you're almost like out of it, and your, you're, you feel the sweat but it's, but you're shivering at the same time.

    7. JR

      You know what was the worst for me?

    8. AS

      What?

    9. JR

      Laying in bed at night after the show.

    10. AS

      Oh yeah.

    11. JR

      Going over it.

    12. AS

      Of everything that went wrong?

    13. JR

      Just (groans) gut wrenching (groans) . (laughs)

    14. AS

      Embarrassing. Embarrassment. Fuck.

    15. JR

      Beyond embarrassment.

    16. AS

      God dammit.

    17. JR

      Beyond embarrassment. Just ruthless destruction of your self-esteem. Just, "Ah, fuck!" And-

    18. AS

      Yeah.

    19. JR

      ... there's a lot of people that just won't go back after that.

    20. AS

      Why would you?

    21. JR

      Why would you?

    22. AS

      That's, uh, what one, uh, uh, uh, theory, mm, not, what's before theory? Hypothesis.

    23. JR

      (laughs)

    24. AS

      Uh, (laughs) 'cause I haven't proven it at all, of why, uh, there's fewer women in standup. 'Cause my friend who's a, who researches like women's development, Rachel Simmons-

    25. JR

      Mm-hmm.

    26. AS

      ... writes books on it. Uh, she said that women just, I don't know s- if it's, I forget if it's sociologically or physically, probably sociologically, are less able to accept rejection.

    27. JR

      Mm.

    28. AS

      Early on. It just, that doesn't go with who they are. Um ...

    29. JR

      Mm.

    30. AS

      And so they just like don't do those things. And so you have to push them, if you have daughters, you have to push them to like try and fail, and try and fail.

  11. 31:47 – 38:05

    Acid at Firefly: profound ‘truths,’ Kinison breakdown idea, and 80s/modern PC cycles

    1. AS

      So I had a couple ideas-

    2. JR

      Hmm.

    3. AS

      ... on acid-

    4. JR

      Oh.

    5. AS

      ... at this music festival.

    6. JR

      Hm.

    7. AS

      One I wanna run by you, and then one, um ... It was a fun time, by the way.

    8. JR

      What music festival?

    9. AS

      Uh, Firefly, in Delaware.

    10. JR

      Nice.

    11. AS

      Take the bus from New York and then you just go there, camp, and have a fucking good time, and I'm fucking, I don't know, just, like, laying down on my back, trying to keep my eyes open so I can... My friends went off to the bathroom, like, "You'll be here?" I'm like, "I'll be right here."

    12. JR

      (laughs)

    13. AS

      I'm not going anywhere right now. And so I keep my eyes open so people don't look at you like, "What's wrong with you?" You know? Just see a few stars. And you'd be out of it, eyes open, but just out of it, and then every once ... I fucking love music festivals, man. You come out of it and there's some fucking guy dressed like a wood nymph-

    14. JR

      (laughs)

    15. AS

      ... walks by you. (laughs) You're like, "What the fuck?"

    16. JR

      Oh.

    17. AS

      It's great. Anyways, then I just heard somebody go, "I never wanna get that fucked up."

    18. JR

      (laughs)

    19. AS

      (laughs) Walking by me, I was like, "Fuck." Um, so I had this idea. You know how I do those, um, album breakdowns on my podcast?

    20. JR

      Yes.

    21. AS

      First Album Breakdowns?

    22. JR

      Yeah.

    23. AS

      Um, uh, I wanna do one with you on Sam Kinison's album.

    24. JR

      Ooh.

    25. AS

      Just let's listen to it and, like, talk about it.

    26. JR

      Okay.

    27. AS

      And an- analyze it and stuff.

    28. JR

      Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do Louder Than Hell. Do you know Louder Than Hell you can't get on CD?

    29. AS

      You cannot?

    30. JR

      'Cause it was so s- homophobic that the people at Warner Bros., they put it out on, uh, cassette, but then they never released it on CD when CDs came along. And they were like, "Fuck that fat slob." (laughs)

  12. 38:05 – 43:20

    Signature bits, ‘Boo!’ hecklers, and Ari’s Lakers-hate sports rant

    1. JR

      But he, it's like, don't you think that that's a different thing? When you, when you have a bit, like a signature bit that you do every time you go on stage and people expect to hear it, that's a different thing.

    2. AS

      Different thing, yes, than re-

    3. JR

      Yeah.

    4. AS

      ... than regular standup.

    5. JR

      Comedy is like, when you're d- when I'm watching your set, like say if you have a new bit and I haven't seen it before, I'm, I get excited because I don't know where you're going.

    6. AS

      Yeah.

    7. JR

      And you, you're taking me down a road and then you take a left turn-

    8. AS

      Some comics can do that, though. Bobby Lee, it's like, it's just goofy, you just wanna see him do it.

    9. JR

      Yeah.

    10. GU

      Yeah.

    11. AS

      There's certain comics that are just, like, I, I don't know, I just like seeing this over and over. And others, it's like, nah, it's all right.

    12. JR

      Well, that was always the case in Boston. Boston, like, all the headliners would do the same act forever.

    13. AS

      Psh, I know, that's why I fuck all them. (laughs)

    14. JR

      Well, that's why it fell apart.

    15. AS

      Yeah, right, right.

    16. JR

      It only, it only lasted for a little while like that.

    17. AS

      Oh, that's why.

    18. JR

      Yeah.

    19. AS

      'Cause eventually it's like, "Yeah, you haven't written or catch us up."

    20. JR

      They, they had the opposite of an internet age approach. Their age approach was you, you put together a 45-minute set and that's it. And some of 'em literally only had 45 minutes, they'd been doing comedy for decades.

    21. AS

      Yeah. 'Cause even with dice, let's say you compare that to music where everyone's singing along with it. Musicians have new albums, and then you ex- expand that catalog-

    22. JR

      Yeah.

    23. AS

      ... of stuff you can sing along with.

    24. JR

      Hopefully. Up to a point.

    25. AS

      Up to a point, then you become the Greatest Hits.

    26. JR

      Like, Rolling Stones. Rolling Stones put some stuff out today and everybody's like, "Whatever."

    27. AS

      Yeah, fuck that. (laughs)

    28. JR

      "Brown Sugar," come on, you fuck.

    29. AS

      Yeah.

    30. JR

      Let me see you dance. I heard you could still dance.

  13. 43:20 – 58:45

    Predatory birds and dinosaur ancestors: pelicans eating pigeons to ‘terror birds’

    1. JR

      I'm sure we're gonna watch how a pelican eats a duck now.

    2. AS

      But no one thinks of that. When you think of a pelican-

    3. JR

      No. You think of, like, a cute thing that brings babies.

    4. AS

      Yeah, yeah, but it's a stork, that stork.

    5. JR

      They bring babies. Oh. (laughs)

    6. AS

      (laughs)

    7. JR

      (laughs) Oh, yeah.

    8. AS

      Oh, he's eating the duck.

    9. JR

      Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.

    10. AS

      Back it? You're just g-

    11. GU

      It didn't show the gulp, it just shows it in there.

    12. JR

      Wow, look at that.

    13. GU

      The seagull.

    14. JR

      Look at that seagull trying to get away.

    15. AS

      A seagull.

    16. JR

      Look at that thing battling it out, yeah.

    17. AS

      Yeah. He's like, "You ain't going anywhere. My beak is made of rubber."

    18. JR

      And he's just holding on, letting that thing pound on him.

    19. GU

      Here's one with more views.

    20. JR

      That's crazy.

    21. AS

      Oh, shit. There's a bunch of ducks. (laughs)

    22. JR

      What an evil little fucking animal.

    23. AS

      Oh, that's a seagull eating pigeons.

    24. GU

      Oh, yeah.

    25. JR

      A seagull eats pigeons?

    26. AS

      (gags)

    27. JR

      Oh, Jesus.

    28. AS

      Oh, he got one!

    29. GU

      Oh.

    30. AS

      Wow. That's dinosaur shit.

  14. 58:45 – 1:06:14

    Viral racism stories and policing: water-selling incident to Eric Garner chokehold analysis

    1. JR

      The problem with Black people and white people is that people say "Black people" and "white people."

    2. AS

      Yeah, instead of just "people."

    3. JR

      Yeah, instead of just "people." I was watching this video, it's an annoying video, of this lady calling the cops on this little eight-year-old Black girl who's selling water. Have you seen it? Viral video.

    4. AS

      Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    5. JR

      Viral video.

    6. AS

      She's not supposed to sell water.

    7. JR

      She's calling the fucking police She's saying, "He's selling water without a permit," and her mom videotapes her...

    8. AS

      Yeah.

    9. JR

      ... and puts it up and makes it viral. And that's one of those videos where it's, everything is in the right place. The white lady is overweight.

    10. AS

      (laughs)

    11. JR

      She's just angry looking.

    12. AS

      Looks exactly like you want.

    13. JR

      Overweight white lady. The little Black girl is as cute as a button. The mom is, uh, the mom is talking to her in a way that's like not too aggressive. She goes, "She out here calling the police on a little girl trying to sell water. We see you, boo." Like, she's not being horrible.

Episode duration: 3:21:34

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