Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir

Joe Rogan 0:04 (sighs) Ari Shaffir speed rapping in five, four, three, two, one. (fingers snap) Go.

Narrator 0:10 (rapping yall)

Joe Rogan 0:12 (laughs)

Narrator 0:13 (rapping yall)

Joe Rogan 0:13 "Kick that booty on the shelf."

Ari Shaffir 0:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:16 Yeah. It's th- We were talking about how impressive Mac Lethal is, but then Ari goes, "Yeah, but you gotta read the words."

Ari Shaffir 0:22 Otherwise, you have no idea.

Joe Rogan 0:23 Yeah, so like-

Ari Shaffir 0:23 So he could be making everything up.

Narrator 0:27 (rapping yall)

Joe Rogan 0:27 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:28 So in that sense-

Ari Shaffir 0:29 Doesn't sound good.

Joe Rogan 0:29 ... he's gone too far. He's like, "Triple F tits."

Ari Shaffir 0:32 You can't sing along with that.

Joe Rogan 0:33 No.

Ari Shaffir 0:33 (laughs) The Triple F Tits is exactly right.

Joe Rogan 0:34 Yeah, he went crazy.

Ari Shaffir 0:35 Where, like, "I like big boobs." He's like, "Oh, do you like this much big boob?" And you're like-

Joe Rogan 0:37 Shak-a-doom.

Ari Shaffir 0:38 ... "All right, maybe I don't."

Joe Rogan 0:38 Those girls who crush beer cans with their fake boobs, you've seen those?

Ari Shaffir 0:42 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:42 You ever seen those? They lie out beer cans. They just smash 'em-

Ari Shaffir 0:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:45 ... with the weight of their tit. It's, like, the most unsexy thing ever. It's like this hypersexuality gets morphed into this weird distortion where you-

Ari Shaffir 0:54 It's the sexual version of when your dad catches you smoking. He's like-

Joe Rogan 0:57 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:57 ... "Now smoke the whole pack if you like cigarettes so much."

Joe Rogan 0:59 That's exactly what it is.

Ari Shaffir 1:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00 Look at this one. Watch this gal.

Ari Shaffir 1:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:02 She's got her tits and she smashes these beer cans.

Ari Shaffir 1:06 Oh, my God. Oh.

Joe Rogan 1:06 Dude-

Ari Shaffir 1:06 Could you imagine?

Joe Rogan 1:06 ... of course they're Fosters. It's fucking bogus. Of course it's this goddamn-

Ari Shaffir 1:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:10 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:10 Australia.

Joe Rogan 1:10 Australian shit.

Ari Shaffir 1:12 That's hilarious.

Joe Rogan 1:12 She's straight from Tassie. Look at those fucking ha- Look at Steve Harvey.

Ari Shaffir 1:15 Oh, it's not Australia.

Joe Rogan 1:16 It's The Steve Harvey Show.

Ari Shaffir 1:17 Uh-

Joe Rogan 1:18 They just went with Fosters.

Ari Shaffir 1:19 Hysteric, 'cause she's gotta be Australian. That's why they went with Fosters, that kind of behavior. (sighs)

Joe Rogan 1:24 Maybe they just wanted a big can.

Ari Shaffir 1:25 Big can smash big cans.

Joe Rogan 1:27 Yeah, big cans.

Ari Shaffir 1:27 Oh, yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Joe Rogan 1:28 Fosters, those are giant cans.

Ari Shaffir 1:29 Yeah, they are.

Joe Rogan 1:30 Maybe Budweiser didn't want any part of it, so they couldn't get a Bud tall boy.

Ari Shaffir 1:33 By the way, you know nobody in Australia drinks Fosters.

Joe Rogan 1:35 No, they don't, right?

Ari Shaffir 1:36 They don't even have 'em available in most bars.

Joe Rogan 1:38 Really?

Ari Shaffir 1:39 Yeah, it's not even like Bud Light where nobody really drinks it, but, like-

Joe Rogan 1:41 How sneaky.

Ari Shaffir 1:42 It's just marketing. Everything's marketing.

Joe Rogan 1:44 What is a beer... Like, our beer is... Pabst Blue Ribbon is kinda fun.

Ari Shaffir 1:49 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 1:49 'Cause it's so white trash.

Ari Shaffir 1:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:51 You pull out a can of Pabst, like, I'll drink a can of Pabst at the store sometimes. I'm like, "Fuck it."

Ari Shaffir 1:54 At the store?

Joe Rogan 1:55 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 1:55 What do you mean, like, at the supermarket?

Joe Rogan 1:56 No, comedy store.

Ari Shaffir 1:57 Oh, at the comedy store.

Joe Rogan 1:58 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:58 Oh. (laughs) I was like-

Joe Rogan 1:59 At the store. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:59 (laughs) I was like, what, like, while you're shopping?

Joe Rogan 2:01 I go in with flip-flops on.

Ari Shaffir 2:02 You garbage white trash.

Joe Rogan 2:05 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 2:05 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:06 I go in with flip-flops on, boxer shorts, fuck it. Wife beater, drinking a gigantic Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Ari Shaffir 2:13 That's normal Australian life, though, dude.

Joe Rogan 2:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 2:15 That's a quarter of the men would do that kinda shit, like, "While I'm shopping for other snacks."

Joe Rogan 2:18 Yeah. I love it over there.

Ari Shaffir 2:20 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:20 I really do. They're great people.

Ari Shaffir 2:22 They're, if you were gonna ask, their beer like that is VB.

Joe Rogan 2:24 VB?

Ari Shaffir 2:25 Yeah. That's their fucking-

Joe Rogan 2:26 If there was another country that I would live in besides America, or besides the United States, it would be Canada. And if there was another country I'd live in besides Canada, it would be Australia, for sure. And Canada because it's right there.

Ari Shaffir 2:35 Canada's too cold.

Joe Rogan 2:37 Not Vancouver.

Ari Shaffir 2:38 Vancouver's too cold as well.

Joe Rogan 2:39 Ah, you could handle it, son.

Ari Shaffir 2:41 I could handle it, but-

Joe Rogan 2:42 You're a traveling man.

Ari Shaffir 2:43 Yeah, I skipped the fucking winter-

Joe Rogan 2:45 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 2:45 ... so I could go traveling. Oh, you're o- Oh, you're saying I could travel?

Joe Rogan 2:47 You're a traveling man.

Ari Shaffir 2:47 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:48 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 2:48 You're right. You're right.

Joe Rogan 2:48 Because if you're just out there in the rainy season, which is, like, nine months-

Ari Shaffir 2:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:52 The other (laughs) the other, the other three months are amazing.

Ari Shaffir 2:56 I was doing the math on New York days the other day of, like, saying how many actual months of nice it is, and it's really is six and six.

Joe Rogan 3:01 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 3:02 Not even nine and three.

Joe Rogan 3:03 No, it's not, six and six. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 3:05 Fuck.

Joe Rogan 3:05 Yeah. It's, there's, there's some rugged days in those nice months, too, you know? Those, like, those six-

Ari Shaffir 3:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:12 Like, the, the, if you go, like, it's really probably nine, but there's three months that are super sketchy.

Ari Shaffir 3:17 Super sketchy.

Joe Rogan 3:17 You can get snow in April.

Ari Shaffir 3:18 You d- We got snow in April this year.

Joe Rogan 3:20 Yeah. Yeah. That's annoying.

Ari Shaffir 3:22 I was in Australia, and I was over, like, it's snowing in New York. I'm like, "Fucking good."

Joe Rogan 3:24 That's a Prince song, by the way.

Ari Shaffir 3:26 What song? Snow in April?

Joe Rogan 3:27 Snow- Sometimes it Snows in April.

Ari Shaffir 3:28 Is that about cocaine?

Joe Rogan 3:29 One of his more sensitive ones. No.

Ari Shaffir 3:30 Oh, it's not.

Joe Rogan 3:30 It's about sadness.

Ari Shaffir 3:32 Oh. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:32 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 3:32 That doesn't-

Joe Rogan 3:33 I, I used to listen to it when I was delivering newspapers. Th-

Ari Shaffir 3:35 He was great, you know, uh-

Joe Rogan 3:36 Fuck.

Ari Shaffir 3:37 ... Mark Norman had a theory that was proven wrong, I guess, that, uh, Prince, when he died, he died of the last of the '80s AIDS.

Joe Rogan 3:43 (sputters) (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 3:43 (laughs) Yeah. He said he's been fighting it hard 'cause of the money, but-

Joe Rogan 3:46 This is fucking smart.

Ari Shaffir 3:47 ... he got it back then.

Joe Rogan 3:48 How dare he?

Ari Shaffir 3:48 But now everybody's fucking everybody.

Joe Rogan 3:49 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 3:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:49 That's actually fucked up. He died from fentanyl, man. They all died from that fentanyl shit.

Ari Shaffir 3:54 Oh, God.

Joe Rogan 3:54 That stuff kills everybody.

Ari Shaffir 3:56 They're testing drugs now at music festivals.

Joe Rogan 3:58 They should.

Ari Shaffir 3:59 You're, they, and they did it in Australia when I was there. They do it in UK in some places, where you just come and they, they chip off the smallest amount, and they text you, um-

Joe Rogan 4:09 If it's okay.

Ari Shaffir 4:09 ... if your stuff is safe or not.

Joe Rogan 4:11 Oof.

Ari Shaffir 4:11 And then it's way safer to do it than just fucking passing around fentanyl.

Joe Rogan 4:14 God dammit, they need deregulation. They just do. They just need deregulation. You're not saving anybody by making drugs illegal.

Ari Shaffir 4:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:20 You're just making it difficult to get good drugs. That's all you're doing. You're not stopping people from doing drugs. And in fact, when they legalize things, often teen use goes down because it's, uh, doesn't become so attractive anymore. P- People are stupid, all right? We're wired fucked up.

Ari Shaffir 4:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:35 And if you tell us we can't do something, that's the thing we wanna do. That's just how it is.

Ari Shaffir 4:39 I will say, to be fair, I will say legalization of drugs would make more people do it. I would have to think it would. But-

Joe Rogan 4:46 Psychologically, they say no, when they've done studies.

Ari Shaffir 4:48 The- No- There's nobody, though, there are some people that wouldn't normally do it, but like, "Well, there's a store right there. All right, I'll get some."

Joe Rogan 4:53 That's exactly what it is. Look at this one. Watch this gal. She's got her tits and she smashes these beer cans.

Ari Shaffir 6:17 Oh, my God. Oh.

Joe Rogan 6:17 Dude, could you imagine?

Ari Shaffir 6:17 Of course they're Fosters. Fucking bogut. Of course this is goddamn-

Joe Rogan 6:17 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 6:17 Australian shit.

Joe Rogan 6:17 That's hilarious.

Ari Shaffir 6:18 She's straight from Tassie.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Look at those fucking ha- Look at Steve Harvey.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh, it's not Australia.

Joe Rogan 6:19 It's The Steve Harvey Show.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Uh-

Joe Rogan 6:19 They just went with Fosters.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Hysteric, 'cause she's gotta be Australian. That's why they went with Fosters, that kind of behavior. (sighs)

Joe Rogan 6:19 Maybe they just wanted a big can.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Big can smash big cans.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah, big cans.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh, yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Fosters, those are giant cans.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah, they are.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Maybe Budweiser didn't want any part of it, so they couldn't get a Bud Tall Boy.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 By the way, you know nobody in Australia drinks Fosters.

Joe Rogan 6:19 No, they don't, right?

Ari Shaffir 6:19 They don't even have 'em available in most bars.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Really?

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah, it's not even like Bud Light where nobody really drinks it, but, like-

Joe Rogan 6:19 How sneaky.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 It's just marketing. Everything's marketing.

Joe Rogan 6:19 What is a beer... Like, our beer is, P- Pabst Blue Ribbon is kinda fun.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 6:19 'Cause it's so white trash.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:19 You pull out a can of Pabst, like, I'll drink a can of Pabst at the store sometimes. I'm like, "Fuck it."

Ari Shaffir 6:19 At the store?

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 What do you mean, like, at the supermarket?

Joe Rogan 6:19 No, comedy store.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh, at the comedy store. Oh.

Joe Rogan 6:19 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 6:19 I was like-

Joe Rogan 6:19 At the store. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 6:19 I was like, what, like, while you're shopping?

Joe Rogan 6:19 I go in with flip-flops on.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 You garbage white trash.

Joe Rogan 6:19 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 6:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:19 I go in with flip-flops on, boxer shorts, fuck it, wife beater, drinking a gigantic Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 That's normal Australian life, though, dude.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 That's a quarter of the men would do that kinda shit, like, "While I'm shopping for other snacks."

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah. I love it over there.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:19 I really do. They're great people.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 They're, if you were gonna ask, their beer like that is VB.

Joe Rogan 6:19 VB?

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah. That's their Fosters.

Joe Rogan 6:19 If there was another country that I would live in besides America, or besides the United States, it would be Canada. And if there was another country I'd live in besides Canada, it would be Australia, for sure. And Canada because it's right there.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Canada's too cold.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Not Vancouver.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Vancouver's too cold as well.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Ah, you could handle it, son.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 I could handle it, but-

Joe Rogan 6:19 You're a traveling man.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah, I skipped the fucking winter-

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 ... so I could go traveling. Oh, you're, oh, you're saying I could travel?

Joe Rogan 6:19 You're a traveling man.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 You're right. You're right.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Because if you're just out there in the rainy season, which is, like, nine months-

Ari Shaffir 6:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:19 ... the other (laughs) the other f- three months are amazing.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 I was doing the math on New York those, the other day of, like, saying how many actual months of nice it is, and it's really is six and six.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Not even nine and three.

Joe Rogan 6:19 No, it's not six and six. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Fuck.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah. It's, there's, there's some rugged days in those nice months, too, you know? Those, like, those six.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Like, the, the, if you go, like, it's really probably nine, but there's three months that are super sketchy.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Super sketchy.

Joe Rogan 6:19 You can get snow in April.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 You d- We got snow in April this year.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah. Yeah. That's annoying.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 I was in Australia, and I was, they were like, "It's snowing in New York." I'm like, "Fucking good."

Joe Rogan 6:19 That's a Prince song, by the way.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 What song? Snow in April?

Joe Rogan 6:19 Snow- Sometimes it Snows in April.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Is that about cocaine?

Joe Rogan 6:19 One of his more sensitive ones. No.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh, it's not.

Joe Rogan 6:19 It's about sadness.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 That doesn't-

Joe Rogan 6:19 I, I used to listen to it when I was delivering newspapers. That's fa-

Ari Shaffir 6:19 He was great, you know, uh-

Joe Rogan 6:19 Fuck.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 ... Mark Norman had a theory that was proven wrong, I guess, that, uh, Prince, when he died, he died of the last of the '80s AIDS.

Joe Rogan 6:19 (sputters)

Ari Shaffir 6:19 (laughs) Yeah. He said he's been fighting it hard 'cause of the money.

Joe Rogan 6:19 Smart, smart.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 But he got it back then.

Joe Rogan 6:19 How dare he?

Ari Shaffir 6:19 But now everybody's fucking everybody.

Joe Rogan 6:19 That's actually fucked up.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:19 He died from fentanyl, man. They all died from that fentanyl shit.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 Oh, God.

Joe Rogan 6:19 That stuff kills everybody.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 They're testing drugs now at music festivals.

Joe Rogan 6:19 They should.

Ari Shaffir 6:19 You're, they, and they did it in Australia when I was there. They do it in UK and some places, where you just come and they, they chip off the smallest amountDude, you can't do mushrooms that much.

Joe Rogan 6:22 You can't die from it. You can't.

Ari Shaffir 6:23 You c- But it'll just stop working on you. You won't do anything.

Joe Rogan 6:25 Exactly.

Ari Shaffir 6:25 You have to keep doubling the dosage.

Joe Rogan 6:27 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 6:27 By the end of the week, you'll be doing, like, a pound of mushrooms.

Joe Rogan 6:31 (snores) And that's fine.

Ari Shaffir 6:32 (laughs) I mean, yeah, exactly. I mean, do that. Your shits will be crazy.

Joe Rogan 6:35 Well, Dennis McKenna, who I had on last week, his brother, Terrence, had that theory about human evolution. And it's a very compelling theory. And there's-

Ari Shaffir 6:44 That mushrooms make human evolution?

Joe Rogan 6:45 ... that they might have caused it, but might have been one of several factors. There were several factors. One of them was climate change, like the monkeys had to move down from the trees because there was no food left. And the grasslands had taken over where the, um, rainforests had been.

Ari Shaffir 6:58 Okay.

Joe Rogan 6:58 Just because of climate change. But that was the same period where all these undulates lived.

Ari Shaffir 7:02 One factor. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:02 So all these cow-like creatures shit all over the place. The mushrooms grew on them.

Ari Shaffir 7:06 The mushrooms grew.

Joe Rogan 7:06 These monkeys that were experimental, the human monkey, started eating these things, and then started developing language skills-

Ari Shaffir 7:13 Wow.

Joe Rogan 7:13 ... more sophisticated hunting, better visual, because their visual perception, especially in low doses, it actually increases acuity. Been proven in scientific, double-blind, click-

Ari Shaffir 7:22 Really?

Joe Rogan 7:22 ... placebo-controlled studies. Yeah. Yeah, you, it increases visual acu-

Ari Shaffir 7:26 Increases your vision?

Joe Rogan 7:27 Increases your ability to recognize when things are shifting, like say if you have two lines and one of them slightly shifts, like maybe a half of 1% angle, the people that were on mushrooms could see it.

Ari Shaffir 7:35 You ever see a clock and be able to see the minute hand move, like get zoned in where you can, like, slow-

Joe Rogan 7:40 No.

Ari Shaffir 7:40 ... soar to see it move?

Joe Rogan 7:41 No.

Ari Shaffir 7:41 I've done it a couple times, but on- it's when I was little.

Joe Rogan 7:43 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 7:43 But yeah, that's what, that kind of acuity-

Joe Rogan 7:45 That's heavy.

Ari Shaffir 7:45 Yeah, where you can, like ... Wow.

Joe Rogan 7:47 My vision sucks now, dude. When I look at a clock, I look at, like, vague numbers.

Ari Shaffir 7:51 Really?

Joe Rogan 7:51 Like that, that clock right now, like I look at that, that little one right there.

Ari Shaffir 7:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:55 I look at th- Those are vague numbers to me.

Ari Shaffir 7:57 You can't see those?

Joe Rogan 7:58 Oh, I can see them. I know that's 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, 3:00.

Ari Shaffir 8:00 Wow, that's so close. That's four feet away.

Joe Rogan 8:02 But, yeah, yeah, but now look at this. Bam. Now I could see all the dots. I could see everything.

Ari Shaffir 8:05 Get the surgery.

Joe Rogan 8:06 No, it's not that. It's, it's, uh-

Ari Shaffir 8:08 Oh, you don't understand.

Joe Rogan 8:08 ... close. It's, it's nearsightedness. It's what happens when you get older. It's just macular degeneration.

Ari Shaffir 8:13 This is too near for you?

Joe Rogan 8:14 No, no. Things that are near don't look as good. That's, that's like a good medium distance, but farther things look exactly the same.

Ari Shaffir 8:22 Look the same.

Joe Rogan 8:23 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 8:23 Okay, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:23 It's a slow degeneration of your eyesight due to age.

Ari Shaffir 8:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:26 My friend who's an op- Remember my friend, Steve Graham?

Ari Shaffir 8:28 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 8:29 He's an ophthalmologist. He's like, "There's not a goddamn thing you can do about it."

Ari Shaffir 8:32 Doctor Steve with the, with the skier?

Joe Rogan 8:34 Doctor Steve, yeah. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 8:34 Oh, I didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 8:35 From the US Ski Team.

Ari Shaffir 8:36 He told me some great advice I will share with everyone. We were talking about ... On my podcast, we were talking with him about, um, the hours they put in. And I was like, "If you're putting in 10 hours, you can't be as good at 4:30 as you are." He goes, "Oh, there's ... You should never make a doctor appointment in the afternoon."

Joe Rogan 8:53 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 8:53 "They're tired. They're not giving you their best work."

Joe Rogan 8:55 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 8:56 Yeah. He's like, "Always make a morning appointment," when they actually ha- like just had their coffee, like, "All right. Let's start."

Joe Rogan 9:01 Dude. I had this guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, on a couple weeks ago, he was a sleep specialist.

Ari Shaffir 9:07 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 9:07 He was talking about how important sleep is, and one thing in common with a lot of people that suffer from Alzheimer's is they were getting like three, four hours of sleep at night. They were those get up and go type people.

Ari Shaffir 9:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:17 And their brains wind up shorting out. He's saying that-

Ari Shaffir 9:20 Really?

Joe Rogan 9:21 ... sleep is unbelievably important. It's one of those podcasts, you listen to it, and it literally will change your behavior patterns.

Ari Shaffir 9:26 Uh, I don't know if it would change my behavior patterns. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:29 It might.

Ari Shaffir 9:29 Because I- because I sleep so fucking much. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:31 It might.

Ari Shaffir 9:32 I just stay in bed for like five hours sometimes-

Joe Rogan 9:34 Do you?

Ari Shaffir 9:34 ... after I wake up.

Joe Rogan 9:34 That's nice.

Ari Shaffir 9:34 I'm like, "What's the point?"

Joe Rogan 9:36 (sighs) You're living the life, Ari Shaffir, in a lot of ways.

Ari Shaffir 9:39 (laughs) If it's cold out.

Joe Rogan 9:40 I've told everybody, man, out of all my friends that, you know, quote, unquote, "made it"-

Ari Shaffir 9:44 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 9:44 ... that became successful, you went the full whole hog.

Ari Shaffir 9:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:49 You're like the one who never got caught in any of the trappings. You got snipped. You've said, "Fuck it, I want to live in New York." You said-

Ari Shaffir 9:55 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 9:55 ... "Fuck it. I want to disappear in Asia for three months." They tell you to do something with your TV show, and you're like, "Fuck you. It's over."

Ari Shaffir 10:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:02 And ... (laughs) I mean, you're really doing what everybody wants to do. I have one fuck you moment ever like that, really, is when, uh, I had a book deal, and I gave them the money back. I didn't ... Like, they were trying to-

Ari Shaffir 10:12 You're like, "I don't want to do this."

Joe Rogan 10:12 ... fuck with it too much. I was like, "This is annoying."

Ari Shaffir 10:14 Doesn't it feel good to do that?

Joe Rogan 10:14 "Take the money back." Felt great. But I've only done it-

Ari Shaffir 10:16 Be like, "Nah, you don't control me."

Joe Rogan 10:17 ... really once. Yeah. No, you're-

Ari Shaffir 10:18 Dude, I feel-

Joe Rogan 10:19 ... you're an excellent actor. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 10:20 (laughs) I feel more free than anyone around. I look around at this matrix level of like, "Why don't you guys have more freedom for yourselves?"

Joe Rogan 10:26 Yeah. You've got the most freedom-

Ari Shaffir 10:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:28 ... out of all my friends.

Ari Shaffir 10:30 We were talking about it with Bert and Rannazzisi, and they were like ... We were talking about what we envy of each other's lives, you know, their family life versus my whatever life. And they were like, Bert was like, "What do you think I envy about you, Ari?" I'm like, "Huh." I was like, "I guess my freedom." And he was like, "I have just as much freedom as you." And I was like, "Wha-" (laughs) and I just started laughing.

Joe Rogan 10:48 Who are you?

Ari Shaffir 10:48 I was like, "What are you talking about?" (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:50 Fuck are you talking about?

Ari Shaffir 10:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:51 That doesn't make any sense.

Ari Shaffir 10:52 Yeah. He was like, "What do you mean?" And Rannazzisi had to explain it to him. He goes, "Bert, Ari could just, from here, just go away."

Joe Rogan 10:58 And not call anybody.

Ari Shaffir 10:59 Yeah, just go, from here.

Joe Rogan 11:00 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 11:00 Whatever he's got, just go away.

Joe Rogan 11:01 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 11:02 You can't do that.

Joe Rogan 11:03 If you didn't tell me you were going and you vanished for a few months, I would call the police.

Ari Shaffir 11:08 You would?

Joe Rogan 11:08 Yeah. 'Cause I would worry about you.

Ari Shaffir 11:09 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 11:10 But once you tell me, like, "I'm gonna go to Asia," I'm like, "All right, dude. I'll, uh, I guess I'll talk to you when you get back."

Ari Shaffir 11:16 People got so worried. They're like, "What happens if you get arrested?" I'm like, "I, I'm gonna do the time, bro." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:19 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 11:19 I don't know. I'll figure out a way to get to the embassy maybe, but ...

Joe Rogan 11:22 But if you just vanished-

Ari Shaffir 11:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:24 ... you kind of have a little bit of responsibility for people that care about you.

Ari Shaffir 11:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:27 You don't want to hurt their feelings and fuck with them.

Ari Shaffir 11:29 Just let the word out, "I'll be gone."

Joe Rogan 11:30 Yeah, if you could just tell them, "Hey, I'm going."

Ari Shaffir 11:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:32 Then they have to deal with ... They might miss you, but they just have to deal with it.

Ari Shaffir 11:35 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 11:35 They don't have to, like, freak out-

Ari Shaffir 11:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:36 ... like what happened to Ari.

Ari Shaffir 11:37 Yeah. I told my, my parents I wasn't just gonna disappear on them.

Joe Rogan 11:40 That's good.

Ari Shaffir 11:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:41 Yeah, you gotta tell your parents. But certain people, fuck it. Let them figure it out.

Ari Shaffir 11:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:44 You know?

Ari Shaffir 11:44 My manager got so mad. She was like, "You can't not tell me where you're going and not be able to reach you." I'm like, "I'm ... Well, then-"

Joe Rogan 11:49 Oh, I definitely can.

Ari Shaffir 11:50 "... I'm doing that." She goes, "That's not ..." I was like, "If it makes you feel better, I'm not telling my mom how to reach me." She's like-

Joe Rogan 11:54 Ah.

Ari Shaffir 11:54 "That does make me feel better." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:56 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 11:56 All right. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:57 There's something to what you did though. I think that's ... You ... I felt, you felt like a little different to me when you came back.

Ari Shaffir 12:03 Really?

Joe Rogan 12:03 Like you ... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you had just, you know, you'd had so many experiences.

Ari Shaffir 12:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:08 I think-

Ari Shaffir 12:08 Everything fades away, responsibility-wise.

Joe Rogan 12:11 I'm reading this book, uh, The Talent Code. You ever heard of it?

Ari Shaffir 12:14 Uh-uh.

Joe Rogan 12:14 It's a really interesting book where they analyze performers in different, different venues, like different things that they do, different sports, different, uh, arts.

Ari Shaffir 12:24 Similarities between them?

Joe Rogan 12:25 Yeah. And-

Ari Shaffir 12:26 I think Jackson's into that.

Joe Rogan 12:27 ... who, Greg Jackson?

Ari Shaffir 12:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:28 Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's-

Ari Shaffir 12:29 I think of, like, some of their show at points. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:29 ... an amazing book, I think, for anybody. And it makes you really realize, first of all, how many sets you should be doing.

Ari Shaffir 12:35 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 12:35 You should be doing a ton of long sets, as many long ... The most time on stage you have, the better. It's very critical. Like, the longer-

Ari Shaffir 12:43 Why do you take long sets? So-

Joe Rogan 12:44 Because an hour, like, you're gonna p- perform if you're headlining.

Ari Shaffir 12:47 Right.

Joe Rogan 12:48 The most that you can do those, the better, because you really ... There, that's a different thing. When you do a weekend, don't you feel ... Like, if you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday at a comedy club, Saturday night late show, you are fucking colliding.

Ari Shaffir 13:00 I'm ready, I'm ready to fire. And, and, and if I do, like, th- the third straight week of five show weekends, you know?

Joe Rogan 13:06 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:06 Then it's, like, by the end, it's like, "Oh, you guys are getting a wonderful show right now."

Joe Rogan 13:09 Dude, you just get smooth.

Ari Shaffir 13:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:12 I, the one of the smoothest I ever got was I did that, uh, Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy and Heffron.

Ari Shaffir 13:17 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 13:17 And dude, we did 22 dates in a month. Oh, we were just traveling.

Ari Shaffir 13:21 And then you just had it.

Joe Rogan 13:21 Whoo, you just go on stage, you're, like, in this zen state. You're just, you're doing so much standup.

Ari Shaffir 13:27 That's how I come back from Edinburgh.

Joe Rogan 13:28 Yeah. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:29 When you do 25 straight days-

Joe Rogan 13:31 Constantly. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:31 ... of an hour a night, and then you're like ... You're just, you have to tweak it a little when you get home, but like, it's just like you're there, you're just doing it-

Joe Rogan 13:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:37 ... over and over again all the way. I think in the beginning of standup, when you're starting, I think n- lots of sets are good, 'cause then you learn how to win over a crowd-

Joe Rogan 13:44 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:44 ... a bunch of times.

Joe Rogan 13:45 Different crowds.

Ari Shaffir 13:45 So three, three new crowds is better than one 45-minute set.

Joe Rogan 13:48 Completely agree.

Ari Shaffir 13:49 But then, yeah, once you're doing it longer, it's like, really kinda, like, form your hour.

Joe Rogan 13:53 Well, this is what I was getting to with that Talent Code book.

Ari Shaffir 13:55 Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Joe Rogan 13:55 A lot of it is on development of skills. It's talking about how many amazing Brazilian soccer players came out of this one area, and they were trying to figure it out. And they realized, oh, it was they have this other game that they play with a smaller, heavier ball, and it's harder.

Ari Shaffir 14:09 Ah.

Joe Rogan 14:09 And so they do that game, and it's, like, in close con- they'll do it in, like, a, a room, like, a small room, like this room. They'll play this soccer game.

Ari Shaffir 14:15 Ah.

Joe Rogan 14:15 And they get amazing footwork and movement because of that, because they're in such close quarters, they, they're very fast.

Ari Shaffir 14:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:22 And so they take those skills and apply them to soccer, foot-football, whatever they call it, and it, it's fucking am- amazing how much they excel.

Ari Shaffir 14:29 Yeah. This is when I'm talking to some of those roast battle guys.

Joe Rogan 14:32 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 14:32 So there's all these roast battle guys, and you know they're not, like, a- as, as, as developed s- on stage-

Joe Rogan 14:39 Right.

Ari Shaffir 14:39 ... as they are for those roast battles.

Joe Rogan 14:40 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 14:40 But some of them, like Joe Dosch, people like that, they kill-

Joe Rogan 14:43 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 14:43 ... on those roast battles. So then it's like, "What do you do?" And so I was talking to Eli Sayers, who's, like, Unified champ (laughs) and, uh, we figured out, like, you just take those, those roast-style jokes and apply them to the guy next to you in traffic or whatever.

Joe Rogan 14:57 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 14:58 Like, you're really just roasting any topic, you know, that comes up.

Joe Rogan 15:01 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:01 But you just gotta leave the, that shit eventually.

Joe Rogan 15:03 Yeah. No, th- I think there's-

Ari Shaffir 15:05 But it's good training.

Joe Rogan 15:05 That's cross-training.

Ari Shaffir 15:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:06 Yeah. For sure. I think there's things like that with everything. And I think with you, what I always recognized, I was like, "Oh, he's just sort of, like, data-crunched all these cultures over four months."

Ari Shaffir 15:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:17 Like, you came back with, like ... You, you had, like, less patience for stupidity-

Ari Shaffir 15:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:23 ... and, and more, like, a, a more expanded, uh ... Th- uh, it's hard to gauge someone's understanding of the world, but the way you talked about things. It's like you had a more expanded view of things. You're like, "Well, I ch- you know, this is just America." You know? Like, your-

Ari Shaffir 15:39 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:39 ... your perspective is like you got everybody who thinks that this is the world, you're crazy. This is just America. We spend all, so much time in this bubble, but when you were out there-

Ari Shaffir 15:47 And you think it's this way.

Joe Rogan 15:47 ... for, like, four months, you came back li- you ... It was almost like you were like, "Oh, okay." And I think, as a human, this is, and I think this is one of the things that happens bad to comedians when they become successful, which is one of the reasons why they drop off. They get really famous, really powerful-

Ari Shaffir 16:01 Why? I've always been interested in this.

Joe Rogan 16:02 ... because they don't take any new experiences in, because they don't take any risks, because too many people like them o- when they go on stage.

Ari Shaffir 16:08 I know that. Play to your own crowd is a fucking awful-

Joe Rogan 16:09 Play to your own crowd is terrible, but also-

Ari Shaffir 16:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:11 ... play to your own crowd is your fault. Here's why. You should know if your stuff is good, and you should be working on it.

Ari Shaffir 16:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:17 You should be listening to your recordings. You should listen to them and go, "Is this something that I would wanna pay to see?"

Ari Shaffir 16:23 Right, right.

Joe Rogan 16:23 And if it's not, let me fix it. Because l- like, like, I'm in the stage right now, the w- the write a new act stage, where my act's terrible right now.

Ari Shaffir 16:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:31 I still have the old material that I have to abandon when, uh, October comes around and the special airs.

Ari Shaffir 16:37 It'll fall back on.

Joe Rogan 16:38 But until then, I'm just developing shit, and the new stuff is like, I've got six new minutes that are worth hearing. And then a lot of this stuff-

Ari Shaffir 16:46 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:46 ... is just fucking super clunky. But if you don't do it, if you don't scare yourself, and if you don't experience new things, you don't have ... You, you, you have to know whether your stuff's any good.

Ari Shaffir 16:58 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 16:58 Okay? And if you, if you're not looking at it and not paying attention, it happens to a lot of famous comedians. Their specials, as they get older, get softer and softer.

Ari Shaffir 17:07 Softer and softer.

Joe Rogan 17:07 And, and, and there's just ... Kinison is always my favorite example, because he's one of my all-time, if not ... He's like ... Pryor and Kinison, to me, are like-

Ari Shaffir 17:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:16 ... that's my Mount Rushmore, you know?

Ari Shaffir 17:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:18 And Lenny Bruce, just for creating the whole thing. But-

Ari Shaffir 17:20 Oh, I have an idea I wanna talk to you about later.

Joe Rogan 17:21 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 17:22 I forgot.

Joe Rogan 17:22 But when you watch early Kinison, he was a fucking monster.

Ari Shaffir 17:26 Yeah, he was the best.

Joe Rogan 17:27 He was a monster.

Ari Shaffir 17:28 He was the best.

Joe Rogan 17:28 He was the best.

Ari Shaffir 17:29 And it was such a short time, but with him, it wasn't, like, sustained success. It was a quick drop.

Joe Rogan 17:34 It was, like, two years. Yeah, instant.

Ari Shaffir 17:34 It was, like, uh ... Oh, he went crazy.

Joe Rogan 17:35 He went crazy. He's hanging out with Bon Jovi and doing blow and banging strippers and being that guy.

Ari Shaffir 17:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:41 He's being that rock star comedian guy. And he didn't write anymore. You could tell he was getting by on songs and dances.

Ari Shaffir 17:47 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 17:47 You know? He was just like-

Ari Shaffir 17:48 He was doing almost a caricature of himself.

Joe Rogan 17:50 ... show business way. Exactly.

Ari Shaffir 17:50 Remember The Todd?

Joe Rogan 17:51 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 17:52 So he went crazy, right?

Joe Rogan 17:53 T- you know, The Todd got me into this store.

Ari Shaffir 17:55 Really?

Joe Rogan 17:56 Yeah, he's the reason I got into this store.

Ari Shaffir 17:57 Wow.

Joe Rogan 17:58 He told me how to do it, too, and he told me, "You're gonna do that for your friends. Sit next to Mitzi, and when your friend's on stage, you laugh hard, and, and Mitzi'll go along with you."

Ari Shaffir 18:06 Oh. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:06 Dude, he did that. He sat right next to Mitzi.

Ari Shaffir 18:08 Wow.

Joe Rogan 18:09 He told Mitzi, he goes, "Mitzi, this kid's fucking hilarious." She goes, "Oh, okay, I'll watch him."

Ari Shaffir 18:13 And she just sort of believed it.

Joe Rogan 18:14 And I got lucky, I had a great set, and then-

Ari Shaffir 18:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:17 But The Todd was probably the loudest voice in the room. He was in the back laughing his ass off.

Ari Shaffir 18:21 Wow.

Joe Rogan 18:21 So I'd do that for anybody.

Ari Shaffir 18:22 You did. I remember you did that for McGuire and for whatever else.

Joe Rogan 18:25 Anybody.

Ari Shaffir 18:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:25 If you're, if you're, if you're doing a ... If you were s- performing for Mitzi, I had to sit next to Mitzi.

Ari Shaffir 18:31 I would usually sit next to her when my friends would showcase just so-... these fucking cock blocks wouldn't come in and try to talk to her.

Joe Rogan 18:36 That's true too. Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 18:37 And he's like, "What are you doing?"

Joe Rogan 18:38 Oh, in the middle of sets-

Ari Shaffir 18:40 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 18:40 ... someone performing for their future.

Ari Shaffir 18:42 Yeah, it's a show case.

Joe Rogan 18:43 Auditioning to the queen.

Ari Shaffir 18:44 She, she's got 52 minutes there, just leave her alone. So yeah-

Joe Rogan 18:46 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 18:46 ... you just have to block.

Joe Rogan 18:47 You get three minutes in front of the queen of comedy.

Ari Shaffir 18:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:50 And these fucking cock blockers.

Ari Shaffir 18:52 So, so, so, oh, the, the tod. Okay, here's what I was gonna say about that, in terms of just like, Kinnison being a caricature of himself.

Joe Rogan 18:59 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 18:59 So he went crazy, but there w- before he went crazy, there was a thing he used to do where he would go to the bartenders and take like, uh, glasses off, and then just like, as staring them down and just chuck it in the garbage (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 19:09 Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 19:09 Just to like fuck with them, you know? And then, when he went crazy, I mean literally crazy-

Joe Rogan 19:14 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 19:14 ... um, he sorta half remembered doing that, but to different bart- so he would just take them and kinda like throw them in the garbage, but not kinda even know why he was doing it.

Joe Rogan 19:23 Oh, God.

Ari Shaffir 19:23 He was just like a t- a, a hollowed out version of himself. That's how Kinnison was.

Joe Rogan 19:27 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 19:27 He was like, "Oh, yelling, right?"

Joe Rogan 19:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 19:28 Like, no man, have rage! Not just yelling.

Joe Rogan 19:31 Yeah, it was, it didn't make any sense-

Ari Shaffir 19:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:32 ... anymore. There was no point. It was just, he was just trying to perform and ride the wave.

Ari Shaffir 19:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:38 But in the beginning, he was angry.

Ari Shaffir 19:39 God, he was so good.

Joe Rogan 19:40 He was so angry. You know?

Ari Shaffir 19:42 They asked him, "How come you don't make fun of men as much as you make fun of women?" And he goes, "'Cause a man has never wanted to make me drive my car into a tree." (laughs) Yeah, fucking ...

Joe Rogan 19:49 Remember when he used to play that song? "I want my fucking records back! I want my records back!"

Ari Shaffir 19:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:55 "I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! Die! Die!"

Ari Shaffir 20:00 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:01 Fuck, dude.

Ari Shaffir 20:01 Man, it was good.

Joe Rogan 20:02 Well, you believed it. He was this short, fat, ugly guy who was just screaming at the world for all of his pain. You knew he was in pain.

Ari Shaffir 20:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:10 And then when he wasn't in pain anymore, it wasn't fun. Then he wasn't in pain anymore, and then he was like, he was just this superstar. And it just didn't work as a superstar. It's weird.

Ari Shaffir 20:19 Yeah. So you're saying a lot of these guys don't enter into new experiences?

Joe Rogan 20:23 You have to have new challenges, new experiences. You have to be excited. You have to-

Ari Shaffir 20:27 Yeah, you have to be excited about something.

Joe Rogan 20:29 ... new thoughts. New thoughts.

Ari Shaffir 20:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:30 And I think that much like these Brazilian soccer players from, what is the name? Daniel Coyle? Is, who, what's the, the author's name? Daniel Coyle? Um, when he talked about these Brazilian soccer players playing in this tight room, and the skills they developed in this really tight environment helped them in the big game. I think life is like what the training ground for standup is. And if your life is the same boring shit, calling your agent-

Ari Shaffir 20:54 Yeah, where do we-

Joe Rogan 20:54 ... you know, "What do we got for me? You got a script for me?"

Ari Shaffir 20:56 Where are you drawing from?

Joe Rogan 20:57 You don't have any r- where's your real world?

Ari Shaffir 20:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:59 Where's your real world?

Ari Shaffir 21:00 And you really can't talk about that Hollywood shit. It's boring and people don't relate to it.

Joe Rogan 21:03 Some people ... Look at Kathy Griffin, that's all she talks about.

Ari Shaffir 21:05 Ugh. And yeah, it's like ...

Joe Rogan 21:06 Yeah, I mean, th- this, but it's okay for her. I mean, that's her thing. She likes to do it.

Ari Shaffir 21:10 Yeah, sure. You're right. You're right.

Joe Rogan 21:10 And sh- and people who like her, like it. It's no big deal. But not for me.

Ari Shaffir 21:14 Not for me.

Joe Rogan 21:14 It's not for me.

Ari Shaffir 21:14 No.

Joe Rogan 21:14 And not for you.

Ari Shaffir 21:15 I wanna relate to up, someone coming to see my show.

Joe Rogan 21:17 But you wanna relate to yourself too.

Ari Shaffir 21:18 Right, right, right. Have things to be like, "Oh, let me share this with you."

Joe Rogan 21:21 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 21:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:21 You wanna do standup that you would pay for.

Ari Shaffir 21:23 Yeah. Right, right, right.

Joe Rogan 21:24 Which is hard.

Ari Shaffir 21:25 Be conscious of the audience all the time.

Joe Rogan 21:26 Yeah, man.

Ari Shaffir 21:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:26 Because y- y- you know, there's, you have to figure out why you're doing what you're doing too. Like, am I doing what I'm doing just to get a laugh? Or am I doing what I'm doing because I would actually like it?

Ari Shaffir 21:37 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:37 Just 'cause I know it's working doesn't mean it's good.

Ari Shaffir 21:40 Yeah. And with that, with traveling over, whatever, it's like half of it was like, "Let me get some new experiences to draw from." And the other half is just, "Let me just challenge myself in moments."

Joe Rogan 21:48 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 21:48 So I can practice overcoming things.

Joe Rogan 21:50 Yeah. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 21:50 You know?

Joe Rogan 21:51 Yeah. It's a crazy business, man.

Ari Shaffir 21:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:53 It's a crazy business. And unless you're on top of your own thoughts, and-

Ari Shaffir 21:57 You gotta be up on yourself.

Joe Rogan 21:57 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 21:58 It's like co- it's like college stuff from high school, where they're like, look, they don't care in college. They're gonna let you fail.

Joe Rogan 22:02 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:02 They're not gonna say, "Where's that report?"

Joe Rogan 22:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:04 You know?

Joe Rogan 22:05 This is even more intense.

Ari Shaffir 22:06 More, yeah, it's like-

Joe Rogan 22:07 This is working for some really high pressure corporation.

Ari Shaffir 22:10 With no one even understanding it. If y-

Joe Rogan 22:11 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:11 At least in college, you could be like, "Oh, I gotta, I gotta do this homework." They'd be like, "Okay, I get that." If you're like, "I can't, I've gotta go over my set." They're like, "What? Do it later. What do you mean? What? Why?"

Joe Rogan 22:19 Yeah, nobody gets it.

Ari Shaffir 22:20 You went up yesterday. You don't have to go up again.

Joe Rogan 22:21 Well, not only that, who would you talk to, to try to explain it? There is maybe a thousand of us on Earth.

Ari Shaffir 22:28 Artists know.

Joe Rogan 22:30 Yeah. Yeah, they do.

Ari Shaffir 22:31 They understand it.

Joe Rogan 22:32 Like a real, like a painter or something like that.

Ari Shaffir 22:32 If you can explain it. Like, oh, so my thing is, when I, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:35 But if you talk about like, how many headliners are there on Earth? Is there a thousand?

Ari Shaffir 22:41 Phew ...

Joe Rogan 22:41 There's not in the country.

Ari Shaffir 22:41 I mean, we're not talking cruise ships.

Joe Rogan 22:43 No, no, no.

Ari Shaffir 22:43 We're talking about ...

Joe Rogan 22:44 Someone who can get a special.

Ari Shaffir 22:45 Right, right, right.

Joe Rogan 22:46 Someone who Comedy Central would watch, or Netflix would watch, or Amazon.

Ari Shaffir 22:49 Or is a big category of getting a special.

Joe Rogan 22:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:51 Uh, I, yeah, probably not a thousand.

Joe Rogan 22:53 So, that's not a lot of people.

Ari Shaffir 22:56 (laughs) Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:57 That's a shit small amount of people for an awesome job. So you gotta figure out, well why?

Ari Shaffir 23:02 Maybe not.

Joe Rogan 23:02 Why is it such a small amount of people? 'Cause it's a bloody fucking catastrophe leading up to success.

Ari Shaffir 23:08 (laughs) There's no chance of money early on.

Joe Rogan 23:11 (sighs)

Ari Shaffir 23:11 Not even a chance.

Joe Rogan 23:12 Dude, and-

Ari Shaffir 23:13 You go in going, "I'm gonna make it." It's like, okay, if you're on a fast track, it's gonna be seven years. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:17 If you're on the fast track, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 23:18 Yeah. If you're on the fast track.

Joe Rogan 23:20 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 23:20 Like, it ain't around the corner, dude.

Joe Rogan 23:22 And you're subject to bombing a- and, like jump off a bridge bombing at any one of those years.

Ari Shaffir 23:27 Oh yeah, jump off a bridge bombing. The cold ... I was trying to explain to someone what the cold sweats were.

Joe Rogan 23:31 (sighs)

Ari Shaffir 23:31 And how it's like-

Joe Rogan 23:32 Horrible.

Ari Shaffir 23:33 ... you're almost like out of it, and your, you're, you feel the sweat but it's, but you're shivering at the same time.

Joe Rogan 23:38 You know what was the worst for me?

Ari Shaffir 23:39 What?

Joe Rogan 23:39 Laying in bed at night after the show.

Ari Shaffir 23:40 Oh yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:41 Going over it.

Ari Shaffir 23:42 Of everything that went wrong?

Joe Rogan 23:43 Just (groans) gut wrenching (groans) . (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 23:46 Embarrassing. Embarrassment. Fuck.

Joe Rogan 23:48 Beyond embarrassment.

Ari Shaffir 23:50 God dammit.

Joe Rogan 23:50 Beyond embarrassment. Just ruthless destruction of your self-esteem. Just, "Ah, fuck!" And-

Ari Shaffir 23:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:57 ... there's a lot of people that just won't go back after that.

Ari Shaffir 24:00 Why would you?

Joe Rogan 24:01 Why would you?

Ari Shaffir 24:01 That's, uh, what one, uh, uh, uh, theory, mm, not, what's before theory? Hypothesis.

Joe Rogan 24:08 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 24:08 Uh, (laughs) 'cause I haven't proven it at all, of why, uh, there's fewer women in standup. 'Cause my friend who's a, who researches like women's development, Rachel Simmons-

Joe Rogan 24:16 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 24:16 ... writes books on it. Uh, she said that women just, I don't know s- if it's, I forget if it's sociologically or physically, probably sociologically, are less able to accept rejection.

Joe Rogan 24:27 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 24:27 Early on. It just, that doesn't go with who they are. Um ...

Joe Rogan 24:30 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 24:30 And so they just like don't do those things. And so you have to push them, if you have daughters, you have to push them to like try and fail, and try and fail.

Joe Rogan 24:36 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 24:37 'Cause failure makes you succeed.... but early on in stand-up, it's only failure.

Joe Rogan 24:41 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 24:42 So if your gender's less into that, less taking that, like, outside rejection or something, then you're like, "Oh, I don't wanna do this."

Joe Rogan 24:48 That sounds-

Ari Shaffir 24:48 I mean, we didn't wanna do it.

Joe Rogan 24:49 ... sexist as fuck, and I have to-

Ari Shaffir 24:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:50 ... denounce you now.

Ari Shaffir 24:51 That's fair.

Joe Rogan 24:51 Publicly.

Ari Shaffir 24:52 That's fair.

Joe Rogan 24:52 I have to go on Twitter.

Ari Shaffir 24:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:54 And tell everybody that you're supporting gender stereotypes.

Ari Shaffir 24:57 You gotta say it differently.

Joe Rogan 24:58 You piece of shit.

Ari Shaffir 24:58 Men have forced women, uh-

Joe Rogan 25:00 (sighs)

Ari Shaffir 25:00 ... to not be able to accept rejection.

Joe Rogan 25:02 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 25:02 We've put them in this category where they can't accept rejection.

Joe Rogan 25:04 Perfect, which proves that w- men and women are equal.

Ari Shaffir 25:08 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 25:08 What?

Ari Shaffir 25:09 So when they, now-

Joe Rogan 25:11 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 25:11 ... when they've been socialized by a patriarchy to not accept that-

Joe Rogan 25:15 Ah, there we go.

Ari Shaffir 25:15 ... then they go into an environment where it's only failure, and they go, "I don't wanna do this."

Joe Rogan 25:19 I think, if I had to guess, I think standup is at least 20% to 25% harder for women. This is why.

Ari Shaffir 25:25 Okay.

Joe Rogan 25:26 I think there's subjects that, especially when you're starting out, men don't wanna hear from you in the audience.

Ari Shaffir 25:32 Okay.

Joe Rogan 25:32 Men don't wanna hear about politics. You, you have a, a bigger hurdle when it comes to points of view, politics, or advice. Anything where a woman is like sa-... Like, a guy can get on stage and say, "Listen, guys. You wanna fucking get your life in order? You gotta stop," blah, blah, blah, and then the joke set up and then go on. But a woman would have a hard time giving advice.

Ari Shaffir 25:52 Giving ad- okay, I can see that.

Joe Rogan 25:53 And being accepted by meatheads, right? It's like-

Ari Shaffir 25:56 I'll say this might be true because when I see young comics, let's not make a gender-

Joe Rogan 25:59 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 25:59 ... just young comics talking about politics, what's gonna change, a part of me go, like 26-year-old part of me goes, "Shut the fuck up."

Joe Rogan 26:04 Exactly.

Ari Shaffir 26:04 "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

Joe Rogan 26:06 Exactly, exactly.

Ari Shaffir 26:07 So anyone 26 would have to deal with it.

Joe Rogan 26:08 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 26:08 And I think women have sup-... That shit too.

Joe Rogan 26:10 Yeah, they have that.

Ari Shaffir 26:11 Where the guy's like, "I don't wanna hear this from you."

Joe Rogan 26:12 And then they have that d- deep into their 30s and 40s 'cause men don't wanna hear it from chicks about politics. "Oh, let me guess. You fucking wish Hillary won? Jesus, that's a shocker." You know, there's like this gender, uh, like biases that-

Ari Shaffir 26:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:25 ... a lot of men have about a woman getting on stage talking, controlling all the attention. They don't like it. You know, a lot of men have the in-... I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's just I'm, but I'm just being honest about-

Ari Shaffir 26:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:36 ... instincts.

Ari Shaffir 26:36 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 26:36 There's an instinct to not like it.

Ari Shaffir 26:38 Yeah. There's another reason too. It's that, uh, it's Taylor's theory, which I like, is that women on stage early on, oh, this is why it's harder for men, just the first six months or so. Women-

Joe Rogan 26:49 Harder for men?

Ari Shaffir 26:50 Just the first six months. Women are used to m- people looking at them. And for men, it's this weird new thing where it's like-

Joe Rogan 26:56 Huh.

Ari Shaffir 26:56 ... "Why are you looking at me? Strange." So in the first, like right away at open mics, like early on, women are way more comfortable on stage than men.

Joe Rogan 27:02 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 27:03 For the most part. And then that, it evens out, but those first few months, it's this thing of like, "Um, this is not a comfortable thing." Women, it's a negative. They've had to deal with that their whole lives, but like people are staring at them all the time.

Joe Rogan 27:14 Hmm. I think we struggle with this idea of like, like saying that I think it's harder for women, I think it's harder for men, 'cause-

Ari Shaffir 27:22 It's a generalization too.

Joe Rogan 27:23 Yeah, it's a generalization.

Ari Shaffir 27:23 It's like overall-

Joe Rogan 27:24 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:24 ... it's like there's some h- it's harder for, there's some men it's way easier for.

Joe Rogan 27:27 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:27 Whatev- that's, see, that's when they black and white it, and that's when you fucking ruin all the arguments.

Joe Rogan 27:31 Uh-huh. I agree with you.

Ari Shaffir 27:31 You know, it's just like 10% harder, 15% harder.

Joe Rogan 27:34 Right.

Ari Shaffir 27:34 I think one of the reasons it is harder career-wise for, I mean, almost all women is because, uh, success too early can hurt you in the long run. If you start thinking, "I'm good"-

Joe Rogan 27:48 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 27:48 ... instead of thinking you're terrible, you don't work as hard.

Joe Rogan 27:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 That's just human nature thing.

Joe Rogan 27:52 Why f- more for women than for men?

Ari Shaffir 27:54 Because, uh, we're in such a category of needing women performers that we go earlier and earlier in development in order to pluck them up.

Joe Rogan 28:01 Huh.

Ari Shaffir 28:02 Because I, if I need to put a woman on st- on TV, you know, and there's, you know, this developed women, sh- Silverman's like, "I ain't doing that."

Joe Rogan 28:10 Right.

Ari Shaffir 28:10 "I don't want to." Segura's, "Yeah, sure." Okay. Uh, so you have to get some women. You have to have show m- show somebody at home your own, the version of yourself.

Joe Rogan 28:18 Right.

Ari Shaffir 28:18 And if there's women viewers, gotta put a woman on.

Joe Rogan 28:20 Huh.

Ari Shaffir 28:21 You know, if you have a lot of comics. But if I'm getting this as a single individual performer, if I'm getting something five years in, and I start going, "Yeah, I'm pretty fucking good. I don't have to work this hard." You know, and I start getting more and more things, I work less and less hard. It's another reason why the fucking celebrity comics aren't as good as non-celebrity comics. Um, but if you start getting stuff, you start like, "I don't need to work that hard to get it." If you have to study for an hour to get an A, you know what I mean, then why would you study for seven hours?

Joe Rogan 28:48 Right.

Ari Shaffir 28:48 An hour gets you there.

Joe Rogan 28:49 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:50 So if you start getting the successes career-wise, like monetarily, you stop working as hard on the artistic part of it.

Joe Rogan 28:57 You can.

Ari Shaffir 28:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:58 You can stop.

Ari Shaffir 28:58 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:59 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:59 Um-

Joe Rogan 29:00 You know, I think you're 100% right.

Ari Shaffir 29:01 Yeah, so this, it's-

Joe Rogan 29:02 And that's the drop-off.

Ari Shaffir 29:03 Yeah, it sort of does them a disservice as (sighs) yeah, as an individual to get stuff, but at the same time, you wanna... So I mean, as a former booker, as a booker, all you gotta do is look harder to get qualified women. Go to Indianapolis, find Miss Pat.

Joe Rogan 29:17 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 29:17 You know what I mean? They're out there.

Joe Rogan 29:18 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 29:19 But to prop somebody up who doesn't quite deserve it only hurts them in the long run.

Joe Rogan 29:24 Um, yeah, there's... The, the, the problem also is that you wanna find a certain number. Like, comedy should be almost ento-

Ari Shaffir 29:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:32 ... totally egalitarian.

Ari Shaffir 29:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:33 It should be just performance based.

Ari Shaffir 29:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:37 I mean, I think if a club has a developmental project like Wendy does at the Comedy Works in Denver, then it might not be a bad idea to have all-girl classes. I bet that would give you a bump for anybody who feels uncomfortable and wants to learn how to do standup with all girls.

Ari Shaffir 29:51 That's, that's one of the reasons it's harder for, for chicks early on is because there's creeps at open mics.

Joe Rogan 29:56 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 29:57 And they're not weeded out like they are at clubs. At clubs, someone's like-

Joe Rogan 30:00 Right.

Ari Shaffir 30:00 ... "Get outta here. We don't want you here."

Joe Rogan 30:01 Right, right, right.

Ari Shaffir 30:01 At open mics, it's any fucking freak that's there. And man, that is not a fun (laughs) experience to deal with.

Joe Rogan 30:06 That's a real bad experience.

Ari Shaffir 30:06 I think that drives them off the most right away, early on.

Joe Rogan 30:09 (clicks tongue) Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's-

Ari Shaffir 30:10 It's shitty. Nobody's good. And then also I got this fucking smelly guy fucking leering over me.

Joe Rogan 30:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:16 Fuck this.

Joe Rogan 30:17 100%. Yeah, 100%. I mean, it's nightclub creepiness plus crazy people.

Ari Shaffir 30:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:22 So you have regular night- nightclub creepiness, and then you have... At open mics, there's always a certain percentage of people that are insane.

Ari Shaffir 30:28 Insa- literally insane.

Joe Rogan 30:29 Insane.

Ari Shaffir 30:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:30 Yeah, 100%.

Ari Shaffir 30:30 Ho- homeless people.

Joe Rogan 30:31 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:31 Yeah. And they get to get up in front (laughs) of you.

Joe Rogan 30:34 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:34 And you're like, "Why? What? I'm trying!"

Joe Rogan 30:36 And he used the same mic.

Ari Shaffir 30:38 Yeah, oh.

Joe Rogan 30:38 He used the same mic as you.

Ari Shaffir 30:39 Oh, I forgot about that. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:40 Yeah, who knows what kind of shit you're getting off that mic on an open mic night.

Ari Shaffir 30:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:44 ... and the store-

Ari Shaffir 30:45 Uh-

Joe Rogan 30:45 ... especially back in the day, they didn't fix nothing with that mic.

Ari Shaffir 30:48 Uh-uh.

Joe Rogan 30:48 They never cleaned that thing.

Ari Shaffir 30:49 Uh-uh.

Joe Rogan 30:49 That thing was growing all kinds of shit on it. At least it didn't have a foam top like this does.

Ari Shaffir 30:54 To, to hold?

Joe Rogan 30:55 I had to change his foam one because it smelled like my breath. I was, like, getting up in there. I was like ... (sniffs)

Ari Shaffir 31:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:00 I could smell a, a person on this thing.

Ari Shaffir 31:02 We had a-

Joe Rogan 31:02 This is gross.

Ari Shaffir 31:02 ... we had a mic that smelled so bad at Cobb's this weekend-

Joe Rogan 31:05 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 31:05 ... that I mentioned it to Simone, and it was, like, bro, like, it was taking us out of it. Like, 30 minutes in, usually you get used to it. I'm like, "Oh, there it is again." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:11 What is it made out of?

Ari Shaffir 31:11 He said he was ne- he said he was holding the mic different. Regular metal one, holding it different-

Joe Rogan 31:15 Oh, God.

Ari Shaffir 31:15 ... so he could get it away from his nose. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:17 Who was there before you?

Ari Shaffir 31:18 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 31:19 Ugh.

Ari Shaffir 31:19 I think it was all of us, just, like, breathing on it wrong. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:21 Just spitting on it. Bleh. Ugh. Yeah, these foam things are disgusting. You know? Some people have those circles.

Ari Shaffir 31:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:30 I had those circles for a while, those spit shields, but it seems so pretentious.

Ari Shaffir 31:33 Oh, those seem weird.

Joe Rogan 31:34 They seem pretentious.

Ari Shaffir 31:35 The, the big ...

Joe Rogan 31:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 31:36 Yeah, yeah, those seem weird.

Guest 31:37 Pop, pop filters.

Joe Rogan 31:38 Pop filters.

Guest 31:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:39 Fuck that. They seem super pretentious. They seem like, "What are you doing, stupid, with that fucking hula hoop in front of your face?"

Ari Shaffir 31:47 So I had a couple ideas-

Joe Rogan 31:48 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 31:48 ... on acid-

Joe Rogan 31:49 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 31:49 ... at this music festival.

Joe Rogan 31:50 Hm.

Ari Shaffir 31:51 One I wanna run by you, and then one, um ... It was a fun time, by the way.

Joe Rogan 31:57 What music festival?

Ari Shaffir 31:58 Uh, Firefly, in Delaware.

Joe Rogan 32:00 Nice.

Ari Shaffir 32:00 Take the bus from New York and then you just go there, camp, and have a fucking good time, and I'm fucking, I don't know, just, like, laying down on my back, trying to keep my eyes open so I can... My friends went off to the bathroom, like, "You'll be here?" I'm like, "I'll be right here."

Joe Rogan 32:10 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 32:10 I'm not going anywhere right now. And so I keep my eyes open so people don't look at you like, "What's wrong with you?" You know? Just see a few stars. And you'd be out of it, eyes open, but just out of it, and then every once ... I fucking love music festivals, man. You come out of it and there's some fucking guy dressed like a wood nymph-

Joe Rogan 32:25 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 32:25 ... walks by you. (laughs) You're like, "What the fuck?"

Joe Rogan 32:27 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 32:27 It's great. Anyways, then I just heard somebody go, "I never wanna get that fucked up."

Joe Rogan 32:32 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 32:33 (laughs) Walking by me, I was like, "Fuck." Um, so I had this idea. You know how I do those, um, album breakdowns on my podcast?

Joe Rogan 32:39 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 32:39 First Album Breakdowns?

Joe Rogan 32:40 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 32:41 Um, uh, I wanna do one with you on Sam Kinison's album.

Joe Rogan 32:46 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 32:46 Just let's listen to it and, like, talk about it.

Joe Rogan 32:48 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 32:48 And an- analyze it and stuff.

Joe Rogan 32:50 Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do Louder Than Hell. Do you know Louder Than Hell you can't get on CD?

Ari Shaffir 32:55 You cannot?

Joe Rogan 32:55 'Cause it was so s- homophobic that the people at Warner Bros., they put it out on, uh, cassette, but then they never released it on CD when CDs came along. And they were like, "Fuck that fat slob." (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 33:05 (laughs) Wow. Really?

Joe Rogan 33:06 Yeah. Yeah, dude. People forget-

Ari Shaffir 33:08 They just never-

Joe Rogan 33:08 Let me tell you-

Ari Shaffir 33:09 ... how much he had to overcome.

Joe Rogan 33:10 I was around during the PC days of the '80s. We're in a PC war right now. Seems like it's just, the battlefield's just gone crazy.

Ari Shaffir 33:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:19 Like, there's more bombs going off PC-wise than ever. People are so invested in the idea of controlling behavior and telling people what to do, but back then-

Ari Shaffir 33:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:27 ... it was happening too, for a while.

Ari Shaffir 33:30 Yeah, with the, with the... Remember the, the, um-

Joe Rogan 33:31 Rap music.

Ari Shaffir 33:32 Yeah, the stuff-

Joe Rogan 33:32 Tipper Gore, Al Gore's wife.

Ari Shaffir 33:34 They're like-

Joe Rogan 33:34 Al Gore's wife was trying to make it illegal-

Ari Shaffir 33:35 "I'm all for free speech, but there's some things that go too far."

Joe Rogan 33:38 Yeah. She was trying to ban rap music.

Ari Shaffir 33:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:40 And so things got, things got real weird.

Ari Shaffir 33:43 It's the same language over and over again.

Joe Rogan 33:45 Mm-hmm. MTV banned Dice Clay-

Ari Shaffir 33:47 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 33:47 ... for life 'cause he told some joke about girls on their periods or something. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 33:51 (laughs) I would- I would love to hear-

Joe Rogan 33:52 For life!

Ari Shaffir 33:52 ... what that joke was and see if we can actually, like ... if it was even that bad.

Joe Rogan 33:55 God. Listen, that's a goddamn badge of courage for a guy like Dice.

Ari Shaffir 33:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:58 You just gave him a gold medal.

Ari Shaffir 33:59 That's all it really does.

Joe Rogan 34:01 For him? He doesn't give a fu- ... That guy legitimately doesn't give a fuck.

Ari Shaffir 34:04 'Cause that guy was never gonna go on MTV anyway.

Joe Rogan 34:06 Yeah. He, he walks around, he makes videos-

Ari Shaffir 34:08 Terrible.

Joe Rogan 34:08 ... walking around the supermarket, talking about his haircut. "I got this new haircut. What do you think?"

Ari Shaffir 34:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:13 Then he'll make another video. "This fucking haircut." That guy doesn't give a fuck.

Ari Shaffir 34:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:17 He, like, literally is just doing whatever Dice wants to do, wandering through the world, hanging out with his kids. So, like, for him, like, getting banned from MTV is probably the greatest thing ever. This is it? Look at this jacket. Look at this fucking jacket.

Ari Shaffir 34:30 Wow. Wow, the bravado there.

Joe Rogan 34:32 Look at him. Come on, man. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 34:36 (laughs) He gives the sh- oh, my God.

Joe Rogan 34:39 Oh, this is incredible.

Ari Shaffir 34:40 He was nuts, bro.

Joe Rogan 34:40 He was the best.

Ari Shaffir 34:42 What the fuck? He f- just like a zebra.

Guest 34:44 Good evening, ladies- Good evening, gents. I'd like to welcome you to this event. My name is Dice. I'm here to say, I was born in Brooklyn, Sheepshead Bay. Come a long way-

Ari Shaffir 34:54 What?

Guest 34:54 ... to make you smile. I'm gonna do it different, gonna do it Dice style.

Joe Rogan 34:58 What is the ... Is this playing on YouTube, or is it not? It is?

Ari Shaffir 35:01 Dude, dude, rewind that. Look how fucking nervous he is.

Guest 35:03 Well, Miss Marquess-

Ari Shaffir 35:04 Rewind that.

Guest 35:04 ... Satter and Popplet-

Ari Shaffir 35:04 Rewind t- five, ten seconds.

Guest 35:06 ... I'd like to welcome you to this event.

Joe Rogan 35:06 Ugh.

Ari Shaffir 35:06 Look at, look when he puts his hand around. Look at him shaking.

Guest 35:08 My name is Dice. I'm here to say, I was born in Brooklyn, Sheepshead Bay. Come a long way to make you smile. I'm gonna do it different, gonna do it Dice style.

Ari Shaffir 35:19 Right here.

Guest 35:20 (cheering)

Ari Shaffir 35:20 You see him shaking?

Joe Rogan 35:21 Yeah. That's funny.

Ari Shaffir 35:22 Just- It's all bravado.

Guest 35:23 Well, Miss Marquess, Satter and Popplet-

Ari Shaffir 35:23 And then he's like, "Shit, I'm doing this."

Guest 35:26 ... eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider-

Ari Shaffir 35:30 Sounds awesome.

Guest 35:30 ... he sat them beside, he said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?" Oh.

Joe Rogan 35:37 That was the weirdest kinda comedy, that he could do it if they knew what you were gonna say-

Ari Shaffir 35:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:41 ... and they wanted to hear it. He's a-

Ari Shaffir 35:42 It's rockstar comedy.

Joe Rogan 35:43 ... complete original. Complete original. If you just, like ... People look at him like, "Oh, brutish and disgusting and just d- dirty jokes and misogynist." All those things are true.

Ari Shaffir 35:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:53 But, but you gotta realize that he revolutionized ... Like, he did something.

Ari Shaffir 35:58 He was just joking.

Joe Rogan 35:59 He, he ... But he broke through.

Ari Shaffir 36:00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:01 Some weird-

Ari Shaffir 36:01 He made it rockstar style.

Joe Rogan 36:02 It also ... I- if you just look at it completely objectively, forget about the artistic merits of what he did, he did something very different. He figured out a way to do comedy that people legitimately laughed at, even though they knew it was coming.

Ari Shaffir 36:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:16 That hadn't been done before. That hadn't been done-

Ari Shaffir 36:19 Really?

Joe Rogan 36:19 ... like that, never.

Ari Shaffir 36:20 No, maybe you're right.

Joe Rogan 36:21 Never. No one yells out the punchlines in front of a whole crowd.

Ari Shaffir 36:24 With him.

Joe Rogan 36:24 "What's in the bowl, bitch?"

Ari Shaffir 36:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:27 "He needed the money!" "Oh!"

Ari Shaffir 36:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:31 Everybody wanted to hear the things that he had already said, which never existed before.

Ari Shaffir 36:36 Wow.

Joe Rogan 36:36 He could fucking tour with that original act right now and people would be super satisfied.

Ari Shaffir 36:41 They'd say along with him.

Joe Rogan 36:42 Shit, fuck yeah. Dice could do 10,000-seat arenas with that original act. "What's in the bowl, bitch?"

Ari Shaffir 36:47 There's not much that goes that way.

Joe Rogan 36:49 People would go crazy. Nothing.Comedy-wise, nothing. It's the opposite-

Ari Shaffir 36:51 A little bit.

Joe Rogan 36:51 ... of regular comedy.

Ari Shaffir 36:53 It's s- it's here or there, but not much. Kreischer's machine thing.

Joe Rogan 36:56 Yeah. But he forces that on people.

Ari Shaffir 36:58 Uh, I saw Gaffigan in, um, at Moon Tower once.

Joe Rogan 37:02 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 37:03 And he did 45 minutes, it was fine, it was great and whatever.

Joe Rogan 37:06 And then he does the old stuff.

Ari Shaffir 37:07 Yeah. Then he was like-

Joe Rogan 37:08 Hot Pockets. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 37:08 ... he introduced it like that, he goes, "Yeah, I'll probably just go back to my hotel room and warm up a Hot Pocket!"

Joe Rogan 37:13 When I say- Yeah.

Guest 37:13 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:13 When I say Bert forces it on people, let me explain what I'm saying. Like, he... That, like, that's his signature thing. I don't mean it, like, in a negative way. But I mean, like, he's, he's scared to not do that.

Ari Shaffir 37:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:23 He wants to do that. He wants them to know him as the machine. He wants to do that bit everywhere.

Ari Shaffir 37:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:27 And he feels like they get upset if he doesn't do it. So in his head-

Ari Shaffir 37:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:31 ... like, he's, he's forcing it on them, they're forcing it on him, and it's like he's developed this... Everybody knows the... If you're a fan of Bert Kreischer, you know the bit, it's a fucking amazing bit.

Ari Shaffir 37:39 Yeah, because-

Joe Rogan 37:40 He says, "You wanna see this."

Ari Shaffir 37:41 Yeah. But he's like, "Do you wanna see the ma-" And then he-

Joe Rogan 37:43 And then he's so worried about them getting upset that they don't hear it, but he's not at all concerned with how they feel about him pledging $10,000 to Children's Hospital and not doing it at all. Just refusing to pay. I don't wanna get into this- I don't know.

Ari Shaffir 37:52 I can't believe you brought that up, bro. I don't wanna get into this. Let's move on. Let's move on.

Joe Rogan 37:54 I can't believe you brought that up.

Ari Shaffir 37:58 (sighs) .

Joe Rogan 37:58 He's one of the best trolls I've ev- all time.

Ari Shaffir 38:00 Him, on Children's Hospital, I agree. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:03 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 38:03 Let's, um, let's, uh, talk about you, Joe.

Joe Rogan 38:05 But he, it's like, don't you think that that's a different thing? When you, when you have a bit, like a signature bit that you do every time you go on stage and people expect to hear it, that's a different thing.

Ari Shaffir 38:15 Different thing, yes, than re-

Joe Rogan 38:16 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 38:16 ... than regular standup.

Joe Rogan 38:17 Comedy is like, when you're d- when I'm watching your set, like say if you have a new bit and I haven't seen it before, I'm, I get excited because I don't know where you're going.

Ari Shaffir 38:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:24 And you, you're taking me down a road and then you take a left turn-

Ari Shaffir 38:26 Some comics can do that, though. Bobby Lee, it's like, it's just goofy, you just wanna see him do it.

Joe Rogan 38:30 Yeah.

Guest 38:31 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 38:31 There's certain comics that are just, like, I, I don't know, I just like seeing this over and over. And others, it's like, nah, it's all right.

Joe Rogan 38:35 Well, that was always the case in Boston. Boston, like, all the headliners would do the same act forever.

Ari Shaffir 38:40 Psh, I know, that's why I fuck all them. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:42 Well, that's why it fell apart.

Ari Shaffir 38:43 Yeah, right, right.

Joe Rogan 38:44 It only, it only lasted for a little while like that.

Ari Shaffir 38:46 Oh, that's why.

Joe Rogan 38:47 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 38:47 'Cause eventually it's like, "Yeah, you haven't written or catch us up."

Joe Rogan 38:50 They, they had the opposite of an internet age approach. Their age approach was you, you put together a 45-minute set and that's it. And some of 'em literally only had 45 minutes, they'd been doing comedy for decades.

Ari Shaffir 39:00 Yeah. 'Cause even with dice, let's say you compare that to music where everyone's singing along with it. Musicians have new albums, and then you ex- expand that catalog-

Joe Rogan 39:08 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 39:08 ... of stuff you can sing along with.

Joe Rogan 39:10 Hopefully. Up to a point.

Ari Shaffir 39:11 Up to a point, then you become the Greatest Hits.

Joe Rogan 39:12 Like, Rolling Stones. Rolling Stones put some stuff out today and everybody's like, "Whatever."

Ari Shaffir 39:15 Yeah, fuck that. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:15 "Brown Sugar," come on, you fuck.

Ari Shaffir 39:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:17 Let me see you dance. I heard you could still dance.

Ari Shaffir 39:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:20 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:20 Dude, I went to see, uh, I went to see, uh, uh, Rancid at, uh, at Coney Island.

Joe Rogan 39:25 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 39:26 And, um, and, um, (laughs) he said something. He goes, uh, "Hey, we're gonna do something off the new album," and somebody goes, "Boo!"

Joe Rogan 39:33 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:33 You know. It wa- it's this crowd of, like, a, of 2,000 or something like that, and he goes, and he could heard it, he goes, "You can boo if you want, I'm still doing it."

Joe Rogan 39:39 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:39 And then he just fucking went into it.

Joe Rogan 39:40 That's hilarious.

Ari Shaffir 39:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:42 Boo. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:43 Yeah. "Do something off the new one?" "Boo!" (laughs) He's like, "Fuck off."

Joe Rogan 39:47 People are so gross. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:48 People are so gross. They don't even, like, internalize that feeling. They want you to react to it. "Boo!"

Ari Shaffir 39:54 "Boo!"

Joe Rogan 39:54 Like, that's, there's such a different thing-

Ari Shaffir 39:56 (sighs) .

Joe Rogan 39:56 ... between feeling something and then forcing everyone around you to hear it-

Ari Shaffir 40:00 (sighs) .

Joe Rogan 40:00 ... and then forcing the, the artist to react to it.

Ari Shaffir 40:03 (sighs) .

Joe Rogan 40:03 That is such a... The levels of douchebagishness that it takes to-

Ari Shaffir 40:07 (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 40:09 ... "Boo!"

Ari Shaffir 40:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:09 It's critical levels.

Ari Shaffir 40:10 (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 40:11 "Boo! What a fucking asshole." (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 40:15 I think he heard it and had to say something 'cause it's such a...

Joe Rogan 40:18 Yeah, he responded. So that guy wins in the world of, uh, internet trolls.

Ari Shaffir 40:22 Oh, if... Dude-

Joe Rogan 40:22 That guy wins.

Ari Shaffir 40:22 ... if you could say something for the crowd in the perfect moment of silence, you know, where it just naturally comes up-

Joe Rogan 40:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 40:28 ... it's, that's audience member fucking Super Bowl.

Joe Rogan 40:31 Yeah. Yeah, you, you cracked one over the fence.

Ari Shaffir 40:33 When, when Patrick Ewing was, like, I think playing with Supersonics, this was like way after his prime, he's just traveling now to get a couple extra bucks and try to maybe win a title, um, and he went down the lane, put up like a finger roll like halfway down the lane and it just kinda went up an air ball that went out of bounds, there was a whistle only 'cause it went out of bounds, but everyone thought, "Was it a foul or anything?" And the ref just goes, "It was out of bounds," and it was just this silence. My friends had heard this and somebody just go, "Retire!"

Joe Rogan 41:01 Oh my God.

Ari Shaffir 41:01 (laughs) Yeah. And then it's like-

Joe Rogan 41:03 Oh my... Sports fans are the worst.

Ari Shaffir 41:04 They're the worst.

Joe Rogan 41:05 They're the worst. They're the worst when it comes to that shit.

Ari Shaffir 41:08 Oh.

Joe Rogan 41:09 It's like they feel like since they have-

Ari Shaffir 41:11 Part of it.

Joe Rogan 41:11 ... a regular job-

Ari Shaffir 41:12 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 41:13 ... and they paid a lot of money to come see you do that, you better fucking do it good. This pussy doesn't wanna get off the bench.

Ari Shaffir 41:19 You name them after your town, that means the town owns you.

Joe Rogan 41:21 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:22 It's not the fucking LA Rogans.

Joe Rogan 41:23 Right.

Ari Shaffir 41:24 You know?

Joe Rogan 41:24 It's true.

Ari Shaffir 41:24 It's the fucking LA Lakers.

Joe Rogan 41:25 Yeah. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:26 And they're putting out a shitty product.

Joe Rogan 41:28 Yeah. Goddammit.

Ari Shaffir 41:29 (laughs) Fuck off, Laker fans.

Joe Rogan 41:31 Boo!

Ari Shaffir 41:31 How's your season been these last couple years? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:34 Has it been bad here?

Ari Shaffir 41:35 It's been terrible.

Joe Rogan 41:36 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 41:36 It's been terrible.

Joe Rogan 41:37 Look at you, you're very excited.

Ari Shaffir 41:38 Oh, I love it.

Joe Rogan 41:39 Almost like nothing else I've seen.

Ari Shaffir 41:41 Oh, dude, I love it. I am-

Joe Rogan 41:42 Why do you get so excited?

Ari Shaffir 41:43 Of all my sports fans, like, fandom, I am at most a Laker hater.

Joe Rogan 41:47 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 41:47 Fuck them and all their fucking fans.

Joe Rogan 41:49 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 41:49 You guys have one of the worst franchises in basketball. People look at you when you try to recruit them and they go, "What the fuck are you talking about?" And they leave. Enjoy Showtime, bitches. It's been years since you've been in the playoffs. No draft pick this year.

Joe Rogan 42:01 Wow. This is dark.

Ari Shaffir 42:02 Oh yeah, it's great.

Joe Rogan 42:03 I can't understand this.

Ari Shaffir 42:04 Yeah. The next big thing-

Joe Rogan 42:05 I don't know where this is coming from.

Ari Shaffir 42:05 ... is when that rapist gets into the Hall of Fame and all the fucking bloggers here pretend to forget about it again.

Joe Rogan 42:09 (gasps)

Ari Shaffir 42:09 Fuck all you hypocrites. Fuck you bitches.

Joe Rogan 42:11 What?

Ari Shaffir 42:12 All of you.

Joe Rogan 42:12 I...

Ari Shaffir 42:12 Lakers suck and you gotta deal with it.

Joe Rogan 42:15 This is outrageous. And that-

Ari Shaffir 42:16 Oh, it's great.

Joe Rogan 42:17 ... will be a viral video.

Ari Shaffir 42:17 How's your team better than yours?

Joe Rogan 42:19 Wow. What team are you-

Ari Shaffir 42:21 It doesn't even matter! The point is the Lakers suck.

Joe Rogan 42:23 Oh, okay. Well, they're s-

Ari Shaffir 42:23 I'm a Pels fan.

Joe Rogan 42:25 What is that?

Ari Shaffir 42:25 We made the second round for the first time in history.

Joe Rogan 42:26 Who do you like? What is it?

Ari Shaffir 42:27 Pelicans. New Orleans Pelicans.

Joe Rogan 42:29 (sighs) How did you get to be a fan of the Pelicans?

Ari Shaffir 42:31 Because they started in North Carolina when I was there, then they moved, and then they changed their goddamn name. It's all a mess.

Joe Rogan 42:37 Who the fuck would want-

Ari Shaffir 42:38 But that's my team since day one.

Joe Rogan 42:39 ... a team called the Pelicans?

Ari Shaffir 42:41 Not me! The, the, the wife of the guy who owns it! He owns a good franchise, is a fucking billionaire smart guy who makes a fucking living for himself and he's like, "Oh, dumb fucking trophy wife! You wanna name the team that all these men have to fucking support?"

Joe Rogan 42:55 Is that really what happened?

Ari Shaffir 42:56 Yeah, that's what happened.

Joe Rogan 42:57 Dude, you're very-

Ari Shaffir 42:58 It's fucking ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 42:59 ... upset, very upset. What would you have called it if you were-

Ari Shaffir 43:01 Anything else.

Joe Rogan 43:04 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:04 The bath mats is a better fucking name than the pelicans. I had to research all the time about, like, vicious pelican behavior so I could get behind it a little bit.

Joe Rogan 43:11 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:11 They are vicious though. They'll eat ducks whole.

Joe Rogan 43:13 Do they?

Ari Shaffir 43:13 They'll eat ducks whole. They'll go down there-

Joe Rogan 43:15 Pelicans eat ducks whole?

Ari Shaffir 43:15 ... and be next to a duck and they go, "Fuck off." (gulps)

Joe Rogan 43:18 Oh, I'm sure we could watch that.

Ari Shaffir 43:19 Oh, it's great.

Joe Rogan 43:20 I'm sure we're gonna watch how a pelican eats a duck now.

Ari Shaffir 43:22 But no one thinks of that. When you think of a pelican-

Joe Rogan 43:25 No. You think of, like, a cute thing that brings babies.

Ari Shaffir 43:28 Yeah, yeah, but it's a stork, that stork.

Joe Rogan 43:30 They bring babies. Oh. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:30 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:31 (laughs) Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 43:34 Oh, he's eating the duck.

Joe Rogan 43:35 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back that up.

Ari Shaffir 43:36 Back it? You're just g-

Guest 43:37 It didn't show the gulp, it just shows it in there.

Joe Rogan 43:40 Wow, look at that.

Guest 43:42 The seagull.

Joe Rogan 43:42 Look at that seagull trying to get away.

Ari Shaffir 43:43 A seagull.

Joe Rogan 43:43 Look at that thing battling it out, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 43:44 Yeah. He's like, "You ain't going anywhere. My beak is made of rubber."

Joe Rogan 43:47 And he's just holding on, letting that thing pound on him.

Guest 43:50 Here's one with more views.

Joe Rogan 43:51 That's crazy.

Ari Shaffir 43:53 Oh, shit. There's a bunch of ducks. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:55 What an evil little fucking animal.

Ari Shaffir 43:58 Oh, that's a seagull eating pigeons.

Guest 44:00 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:00 A seagull eats pigeons?

Ari Shaffir 44:02 (gags)

Joe Rogan 44:03 Oh, Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 44:04 Oh, he got one!

Guest 44:05 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 44:06 Wow. That's dinosaur shit.

Joe Rogan 44:08 Oh my God, that is crazy.

Ari Shaffir 44:09 Oh, he's pecking at it.

Joe Rogan 44:10 And all these people who just have to watch.

Ari Shaffir 44:12 Oh, there's these little kids on fucking bicycle boats.

Joe Rogan 44:14 This is nuts. I did not know seagulls did that. Seagulls murk pigeons and eat them. This is fucking nuts, dude.

Ari Shaffir 44:22 Oh my God. Look, its feather's all falling off and this pigeon's like, "Wait, what? We're birds, bro."

Joe Rogan 44:27 This is nuts.

Ari Shaffir 44:27 "We're both birds."

Guest 44:28 I walked by a pigeon-

Joe Rogan 44:28 Oh, he almost got away. Look at this.

Guest 44:30 I found a decapitated pigeon the other day.

Ari Shaffir 44:31 Is he gonna try to drown him?

Guest 44:32 No.

Joe Rogan 44:32 He's trying to get away. Look at him.

Guest 44:34 He found a decapitated-

Joe Rogan 44:35 He's like, "Fuck you, bitch."

Guest 44:36 Yeah, on the street.

Joe Rogan 44:37 You found a decapicated one?

Guest 44:38 Yeah, crushed.

Joe Rogan 44:39 Decapicated. (laughs) Um, you know, it's usually owls that do that, apparently.

Ari Shaffir 44:42 What, attack other...

Joe Rogan 44:43 They bite, bite their fucking heads off.

Guest 44:45 It was outside of Ralph's on Sunset.

Joe Rogan 44:45 Oh, hawks. I'm sorry. Not-

Guest 44:46 It could've been anything.

Joe Rogan 44:47 Yeah, hawks do it, though. There was... Oh. Ooh. What happened there?

Guest 44:50 Oh, he froze.

Joe Rogan 44:52 Did the bird get away?

Guest 44:53 Yeah. That's, it's completely switched to different...

Ari Shaffir 44:55 Oh, I don't-

Joe Rogan 44:56 He got away?

Ari Shaffir 44:56 I don't think he got away.

Guest 44:57 Yeah, uh, it just-

Ari Shaffir 44:57 I think that when he went after him, his-

Guest 44:58 ... showed this bird's necks.

Joe Rogan 45:00 But he, it seems like he got away.

Ari Shaffir 45:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:02 Didn't it look like he flew away?

Ari Shaffir 45:03 Yeah, believe that. That, that bird was fine.

Joe Rogan 45:04 Watch. Hold on. No, he's fucked up. He's gonna get fucked up. Look, see?

Ari Shaffir 45:09 He's swimming away. That thing's right after him.

Joe Rogan 45:11 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 45:11 He ain't going anywhere.

Joe Rogan 45:12 I think you're right.

Ari Shaffir 45:13 That seagull's walking like Jesus on top of the water.

Guest 45:15 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 45:16 Fucking over it.

Joe Rogan 45:16 I know, with those giant feet.

Ari Shaffir 45:17 No chance, that duck, that pigeon.

Joe Rogan 45:19 Yeah, they can kind of, like, almost walk and use their wings and they can run on the water.

Ari Shaffir 45:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:24 Yeah, that pigeon's fucked.

Ari Shaffir 45:26 I would love to have flight.

Joe Rogan 45:28 What would you give up? Would you give up hearing or eyesight?

Ari Shaffir 45:32 Hearing. You can't do flight without sight. You're fucked.

Joe Rogan 45:36 Well, you could be a bat. Look at this one. Oof.

Ari Shaffir 45:39 (gurgles) Fuck.

Joe Rogan 45:40 Swallowed a whole duck. That is fucking insane, dude.

Guest 45:43 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 45:43 Oh, the other duck's trying to drive him off.

Joe Rogan 45:44 The other duck's mad. Like, "Come on, give me back my friend."

Ari Shaffir 45:46 "Come on." Ah, damn it. He's down, he's in there.

Joe Rogan 45:49 "Give me back, give me back my friend." Look, he just swallowed him.

Ari Shaffir 45:51 He's in his stomach.

Joe Rogan 45:51 One more time. Let me see that again. Look at that, just grabs him. (gurgling)

Ari Shaffir 45:57 That's what I kind of call it.

Joe Rogan 45:58 Look at the size of that fucking beak on that thing. What a creepy animal.

Ari Shaffir 46:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:04 Look at it kicking the inside of his body. "I'm full now, thank you. Thank you, I'm full." Pelican eats pigeon in St. James Park in London.

Guest 46:12 It's the same one.

Ari Shaffir 46:14 I've been there.

Joe Rogan 46:14 Ugh. That's dark. I bet he does that every day. But it looks like a monster.

Guest 46:18 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 46:18 He looks like a monster. Those don't look like normal, normal animals. That looks like an Australia type animal.

Joe Rogan 46:23 Yeah. Have you ever seen a shoebill?

Ari Shaffir 46:27 No.

Joe Rogan 46:27 They're the creepiest bird ever. They're a, they're a bird that lives in the Congo in Africa. It's a fucking prehistoric dinosaur bird. And, uh, there's a video from the Congo. Look at that thing. There's some creepy head on pictures of it.

Ari Shaffir 46:40 What?

Joe Rogan 46:41 Where you go, "What?" Like that picture.

Ari Shaffir 46:42 Oh my God.

Joe Rogan 46:42 Look at that thing.

Ari Shaffir 46:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:44 That is... That one. That thing has a hatchet for a face, man.

Ari Shaffir 46:46 That, by the way, is pretty much the pelican's logo.

Joe Rogan 46:50 Dude. Well, they should've made it the shoebills.

Ari Shaffir 46:52 Yeah, they should've made the shoebills.

Joe Rogan 46:53 'Cause that's an evil fucking bird, man. There's videos of these things.

Guest 46:56 Oh, what the fuck?

Ari Shaffir 46:56 What the, what's it doing? Oh, it's a GIF.

Joe Rogan 46:58 It's a GIF.

Ari Shaffir 46:58 It's a GIF. (laughs) Oh my God. It's like, it keeps shifting its head back and forth.

Joe Rogan 47:02 But you look at its mouth, its mouth is like a giant pair of scissors or something. It's like, it's a creepy fucking animal.

Ari Shaffir 47:09 Where do they live? The Congo?

Joe Rogan 47:10 The Congo. They're five feet tall too. It's a giant ass bird. So that's a Bobby Lee sized bird.

Ari Shaffir 47:16 Wow.

Joe Rogan 47:18 That's a smaller one there. There's a crazy video of one in the Congo-

Ari Shaffir 47:21 Bobby Lee sized bird. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 47:23 ... eating a snake head. They don't weigh that much. Birds are pretty light, even like a bigger bird, like a turkey.

Ari Shaffir 47:28 Yeah, catch that fucking fish in the air, motherfucker.

Joe Rogan 47:30 Oh, is he gonna throw it?

Ari Shaffir 47:31 Throw it.

Guest 47:31 A crocodile?

Joe Rogan 47:32 Oh, he's letting him know that it's in the bucket.

Ari Shaffir 47:34 He's gonna go for it.

Joe Rogan 47:36 W- Watch how they w- walk, man. They just look creepy. They look like a nightmare.

Ari Shaffir 47:41 Little nothing legs.

Joe Rogan 47:43 There was a thing that was in, uh, North America millions of years ago. At least one million, I think. They were called terror birds.

Ari Shaffir 47:49 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 47:50 Look how creepy that thing is.

Ari Shaffir 47:52 Terror birds?

Joe Rogan 47:53 Yeah. They were enormous, seven feet tall, uh, enormous birds. And some of them were even bigger than that, that were, uh, predatory. That could... They were flightless birds that lived in North America. Huge.

Ari Shaffir 48:05 Really?

Joe Rogan 48:05 Yeah, like a Bigfoot sized bird that would probably eat people.

Ari Shaffir 48:09 (gasps) Oh. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:10 With giant, huge beaks. Like, beaks that'll literally consume half your abdomen. There were these freaky fucking animals, man. And there was a bigger one even before that, like one that dwarfed that too.

Ari Shaffir 48:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:22 That was, uh, millions of years ago. See if you can find that fucking thing.

Ari Shaffir 48:25 That's my favorite thing, when they do time travel and they go back into prehistoric times and it's all of a sudden like, "Fuck, everything here will kill me."

Joe Rogan 48:31 Everything.

Ari Shaffir 48:32 Yeah. (laughs) There's nowhere to go.

Joe Rogan 48:33 I saw Jurassic World yesterday.

Ari Shaffir 48:35 How was it?

Joe Rogan 48:35 It's fun.

Ari Shaffir 48:36 Fun? Okay.

Joe Rogan 48:37 There's, there's definitely some cut the shit moments-

Ari Shaffir 48:38 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 48:38 ... where it doesn't make sense, it doesn't lie.

Ari Shaffir 48:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:40 But that's... You have to have those to make one of those movies.

Ari Shaffir 48:42 I'm starting to appreciate movies on just dumb fun.

Joe Rogan 48:45 This is what they looked like.

Ari Shaffir 48:46 Oh my gosh.

Joe Rogan 48:47 Look at that fucking thing.So, that was running around. I think it was a North American animal, too.

Ari Shaffir 48:52 That looked like it was running after a car.

Joe Rogan 48:54 Look, so it's chasing after elk and shit. But there's ... Look, go to the upper right-hand drawing, the upper right-hand one. It shows you how big they were. They were fucking enormous.

Ari Shaffir 49:03 Oh, wow. Way bigger-

Joe Rogan 49:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 49:04 ... than a human.

Joe Rogan 49:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 49:05 Which-

Joe Rogan 49:05 And then there was ones that were even bigger than that.

Ari Shaffir 49:07 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:07 Those are the two biggest ones.

Ari Shaffir 49:08 I like this one because they put the human, like the outline of the human, but he's holding a machine gun. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:12 Yeah, and he's still fucked.

Ari Shaffir 49:12 Like, they don't give a shit, drive them off.

Joe Rogan 49:13 Could you imagine that thing run? Even if you had a machine gun, you'd be like, " (yells) " (laughs) .

Ari Shaffir 49:17 (laughs) You'd be firing and running.

Joe Rogan 49:20 That would not miss. Yeah. Look how many of them there were, different kinds of enormous birds. They had giant ostriches and shit.

Ari Shaffir 49:26 Oh my gosh.

Joe Rogan 49:27 Yeah. There ... I mean, that fucking thing, the really big one that's in the foreground with that b- reddish beak, what a fucking creepy thing that would be if you were walking through a field and you saw this nine-foot-plus tall, freaky-ass bird staring at you. It doesn't even fly.

Ari Shaffir 49:43 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 49:43 It's just a, it's just an armless eating machine. I mean, you can call it a bird, but they can't fly. They have ... They don't have n- any wings, really. They're weird. They have giant talons. Uh, what they are is a fucking dinosaur. Right? They're some weird-ass dinosaur that made it to, uh, 2018. You know, that's like a big theory that's, uh-

Ari Shaffir 50:03 What?

Joe Rogan 50:03 ... a big thing that's being debated amongst, uh-

Ari Shaffir 50:04 That birds are dinosaurs?

Joe Rogan 50:05 Yeah. They, they really think that it's po- quite possible that a lot of those dinosaurs had feathers.

Ari Shaffir 50:10 Yeah. And became birds?

Joe Rogan 50:12 They are birds. Yeah. Like, all over their body, they were ... The ... Like, when we look at a T-Rex-

Ari Shaffir 50:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:16 ... they might have been covered in feathers.

Ari Shaffir 50:17 Oh, that would have been cool.

Joe Rogan 50:18 Yeah. We don't know. They know some of them definitely were, though. They're finding some of them covered in feathers.

Ari Shaffir 50:23 Yeah?

Joe Rogan 50:24 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 50:24 These mics are great.

Joe Rogan 50:25 They're not bad.

Ari Shaffir 50:26 It still picks you up, like, way back.

Joe Rogan 50:27 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 50:27 Way back soft.

Joe Rogan 50:28 It's pretty good.

Guest 50:28 But not really.

Joe Rogan 50:29 But not ... It doesn't pick up too much bullshit in the background. We've tried other ones that, like, pick up shit in the background-

Ari Shaffir 50:33 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 50:34 ... too much. Like if you moved some things over here-

Ari Shaffir 50:35 And it's, like, pops?

Joe Rogan 50:36 ... it'd be too loud. Yeah. It's ... Some of them are ... Jamie, you can explain. What are the ones that are, like, they literally pick up every sound in the room?

Guest 50:43 Uh, well, it's like the pickup pattern and whatnot, this, uh ... The preamp on this isn't up very loud.

Ari Shaffir 50:48 Oh.

Guest 50:48 It's up loud-

Ari Shaffir 50:49 Okay.

Guest 50:49 ... but it's not ... So, yeah. This, this mic needs a preamp because it has a very low nominal level if you-

Ari Shaffir 50:54 Well, I don't know what that means at all.

Joe Rogan 50:56 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 50:56 I am in podcasting and I have (laughs) no idea what you're talking about.

Guest 50:59 The key-

Joe Rogan 50:59 Jamie's dropping some audio knowledge on us.

Ari Shaffir 51:01 I just want a mic to be able to do the thing where you, you talk like you're in a car driving by a line where you're like, "Hey, everybody. Maybe later we'll go to the store and then we'll get ..."

Joe Rogan 51:08 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 51:08 Like, how did that sound? Did that s- It's supposed to sound like it drops off.

Guest 51:11 You could-

Joe Rogan 51:11 Pretty good.

Guest 51:11 ... or the drive-by. Do that with a pan. You know, I could do that right now, actually.

Ari Shaffir 51:14 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 51:14 Yeah. But, but you'd have to do that with software. You wouldn't be doing that-

Guest 51:18 You could-

Joe Rogan 51:18 ... with just the microphone.

Guest 51:19 With the mixing ... Yeah, not with just the microphone, correct.

Ari Shaffir 51:20 Oh.

Joe Rogan 51:20 Yeah.

Guest 51:21 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 51:21 Oh.

Joe Rogan 51:21 Uh-huh.

Guest 51:21 That's the worst, when you think you're gonna fucking get in the line and you just, like, yell something at them. But then when you're in the line, you realize, all you hear is, "JealouS ." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 51:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 51:29 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 51:29 You can't hear shit.

Ari Shaffir 51:30 That's ... Yeah. What did he say? I don't know.

Joe Rogan 51:31 And if you yell ... You have to actually get your body out the window and yell.

Ari Shaffir 51:34 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 51:35 Otherwise, th- the sound's just coming out in, in a weird way, a weird boxy pattern.

Ari Shaffir 51:40 You remember Dirty Work?

Joe Rogan 51:41 Dirty Work.

Ari Shaffir 51:41 The movie?

Joe Rogan 51:42 With, um ... Yeah, with Norm.

Ari Shaffir 51:43 Norm and Art- Artie Long?

Joe Rogan 51:44 And Artie. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 51:44 (laughs) He does that to a line. He fucking moons them.

Joe Rogan 51:47 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 51:47 He moons the line, Artie, and then he just pulls over. (laughs) And Artie's like, "I was, uh, I was supposed to keep driving. S- Sorry, everybody." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 51:56 (laughs) Did you see the pictures of Artie? He was, uh-

Ari Shaffir 51:59 Uh, I've been wa- seeing Artie. I haven't seen him around.

Joe Rogan 52:01 His nose is all fucked up.

Ari Shaffir 52:03 (laughs) It's caved in.

Joe Rogan 52:05 Well, I guess he snorted something and he got an infection.

Ari Shaffir 52:08 That makes sense. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:09 His nose was huge. It was weird.

Ari Shaffir 52:12 Yeah, it's pretty big. He's ... It's like, wow. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:16 Yeah. Look at it right there.

Ari Shaffir 52:18 Oh, yeah. That one. Yeah. What is going with Artie Lange's nose? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:22 Yeah. Something's happening with it.

Ari Shaffir 52:24 He's such a good guy.

Joe Rogan 52:25 He's a great guy.

Ari Shaffir 52:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:27 He's a really good pool player.

Ari Shaffir 52:28 Is he really?

Joe Rogan 52:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 52:28 I can't believe that.

Joe Rogan 52:29 He's real good.

Ari Shaffir 52:30 He's, more than anybody, like, refuses to accept that he's famous, so he just, like, walks around normal and then people start recognizing, "Oh, yeah," and then he kind of, like, goes away, but, like-

Joe Rogan 52:38 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 52:38 He just goes into normal environments all the time.

Joe Rogan 52:41 He's a good dude.

Ari Shaffir 52:42 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 52:43 Really is. Really good guy.

Ari Shaffir 52:45 Yeah. He is. (laughs) Did not make it in 2020. He is-

Joe Rogan 52:49 You don't think so?

Ari Shaffir 52:50 No way.

Joe Rogan 52:51 He might make it.

Ari Shaffir 52:51 (laughs) He has no, no desire to quit. He's just ... He's riding it out.

Joe Rogan 52:56 Did he quit for a while?

Ari Shaffir 52:57 They, they ... I think every once in a while. I don't really know. I think every once in a while, like, he, they ... he gets clean from re- but it's like, he, he doesn't really wa- He just wants to k- pull it back a little sometimes.

Joe Rogan 53:05 Right.

Ari Shaffir 53:06 He's never gonna be one of those guys like, "Yeah, I haven't touched the stuff in five years."

Joe Rogan 53:09 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 53:10 I don't think he's interested in that. (sighs) He's enjoying himself.

Joe Rogan 53:14 That's what Mitch Hedberg said before he died, apparently.

Ari Shaffir 53:16 What?

Joe Rogan 53:17 They were trying to get him to clean up. He's like, "I'm not doing shit. I like it."

Ari Shaffir 53:20 Yeah. It's like when you tell people to quit smoking. They're like, "Wh- why? I- I'm not desiring quitting right now. You guys are."

Joe Rogan 53:26 Yeah. That's a hard pill for people to swallow that don't do it.

Ari Shaffir 53:30 That's what I'm saying.

Joe Rogan 53:31 You know? Like-

Ari Shaffir 53:32 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:32 ... come on, just quit. You should just quit.

Ari Shaffir 53:34 Dude, when you see those gacked out people on the sidewalk in New York, you know, just fucking standing up, you know-

Joe Rogan 53:39 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 53:40 ... dozed out or something like that, or just, like, pa- you know, nodding off in their own, whatever, like daytime. You're like, "Wow, they are fucked up, but now that I've done enough drugs," you re- you realize, like, they're loving it right now.

Joe Rogan 53:51 (sputters)

Ari Shaffir 53:51 They are having the best time. They're peaking.

Joe Rogan 53:53 (yawns)

Ari Shaffir 53:54 It looks shitty-

Joe Rogan 53:55 Right.

Ari Shaffir 53:55 But they're peaking. When they come to with shit in their pants and nowhere to go, that ain't the best, but right now-

Joe Rogan 54:00 But at that moment-

Ari Shaffir 54:00 ... it's their fucking Super Bowl. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:01 When they're tweaking, yeah, their experience is amazing.

Ari Shaffir 54:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:04 They're, they're, uh, hearing Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Ari Shaffir 54:06 Oh, God. I would love that.

Joe Rogan 54:08 << Lucy in the sky with diamonds >>

Guest 54:11 << With diamonds >>

Joe Rogan 54:11 And then just sitting there, << Oh, imagine yourself in a boat on a river >>

Ari Shaffir 54:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:21 (laughs) Just tripping.

Ari Shaffir 54:23 Oh, I forgot to tell you this.

Joe Rogan 54:25 What?

Ari Shaffir 54:26 So, when I was, I was having some pretty good thoughts on this acid, watching some different bands. The Killers, by the way, fucking killed it.

Joe Rogan 54:32 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 54:34 Um, so I'm try- ... You see stuff in like, when you're out there on psychedelics, a truth. I call them universal truths, where you just f- you're like, "Yes, that is real. That is right."

Joe Rogan 54:44 Right?

Ari Shaffir 54:44 "100%." And it's hard to bring that shit back into this realm, you know, to understand it and stuff.

Joe Rogan 54:49 Trying to get us kicked off YouTube?

Ari Shaffir 54:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:50 What are you doing, man?

Guest 54:50 Yeah, I gotta take that.

Ari Shaffir 54:52 (laughs) It's a passing car.... so it's hard when you come back to be like, "Oh, I saw the truth of something," and then it's like, ah, and you can't express it, and when people come back when they're around you, they say something and you're just like, "What?" And they're like, they realize, they get frustrated they're not saying it right.

Joe Rogan 55:05 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 55:05 And then it's slowly going away.

Joe Rogan 55:06 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 55:08 So when I was there, in that place, sometimes I try to remember, like, "When you get back, say this to this person." So that state told me to tell you that Eminem is one of the realest MCs. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:25 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 55:26 I'm not gonna argue with it. (clapping) I don't know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:30 (laughs) Whatever.

Ari Shaffir 55:30 What exactly it means.

Joe Rogan 55:32 You're gonna... (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 55:32 But it was like... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:34 That's... That is... That could be a funny bit, dude. There's a funny bit in there, like about how, like, some things are just, in the moment they seem so profound.

Ari Shaffir 55:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:42 And then-

Ari Shaffir 55:43 You come back and you're like, "What?"

Joe Rogan 55:43 ... when you sober up, you're like, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Ari Shaffir 55:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:46 Eminem is one of the realest MCs. Well, I, I would agree with that. I would say he's very, very real.

Ari Shaffir 55:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:51 Seems fairly real. Yeah, right?

Ari Shaffir 55:54 Yeah. As I heard it, I was like, "That's gonna sound dumb in the real world." But (sighs) I was like, "All right, I'll tell 'em."

Joe Rogan 55:59 What did you think of that BET Music Awards thing he did where he like freestyled in a garage?

Ari Shaffir 56:04 Freestyle? Nobody liked it, right?

Joe Rogan 56:05 Well, no, some people liked it. Some people liked it.

Ari Shaffir 56:08 Yeah. I don't know.

Joe Rogan 56:08 The, the, the anti-Trump thing.

Ari Shaffir 56:12 (sighs) Everybody gets old.

Joe Rogan 56:13 It was interesting.

Ari Shaffir 56:13 All these artists get old.

Joe Rogan 56:14 Yeah. But he was, you know, he was angry and he had all of his friends around him.

Ari Shaffir 56:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:20 That was the weird thing, like, why are all those dudes just standing around?

Ari Shaffir 56:22 Kissing up?

Joe Rogan 56:23 No, those, they're all just hanging around these cars, like in a circle. Those are, they're all waiting while Eminem raps.

Ari Shaffir 56:28 Oh.

Joe Rogan 56:28 So he's got like all these...

Guest 56:30 It's, that's what they, it's the rap cypher, that's what, they all take turns.

Ari Shaffir 56:33 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 56:34 They all did it?

Guest 56:34 That was, that was Eminem's turn, yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:36 But where's the other ones, the videos of the other guys too?

Guest 56:38 Yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 56:38 You're sure the other guys, like, "Mine was far better."

Joe Rogan 56:39 Oh, so, so one guy steps forward... I need to understand r- rap culture better.

Ari Shaffir 56:43 Yeah, I do.

Joe Rogan 56:43 I definitely almost said rape culture.

Ari Shaffir 56:45 (laughs) You know, you know. They go hand in hand.

Guest 56:47 It's a specific, like, BET Awards show thing.

Ari Shaffir 56:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 56:50 Oh, that's how they do it?

Guest 56:51 They do it at the BET Awards show. It's like a thing they started a couple years ago.

Ari Shaffir 56:52 What, they find a fucking parking lot and go do it there?

Guest 56:55 Well, not necessarily a parking lot, but different areas.

Joe Rogan 56:56 And band and... Right.

Guest 56:56 Yeah, different groups who have, uh, I don't know, different labels maybe-

Ari Shaffir 57:00 Yeah.

Guest 57:00 ... would've taken their people.

Ari Shaffir 57:01 Put up their own guys.

Joe Rogan 57:02 It's called keeping it street.

Ari Shaffir 57:03 Oh, really? (laughs) That's interesting.

Joe Rogan 57:05 Yes, yes. You obviously are not street.

Ari Shaffir 57:07 Interesting.

Joe Rogan 57:07 God, you don't know anything. That's why they had to tell you that Em-

Ari Shaffir 57:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:10 ... Eminem is one of the realest MCs. I already knew. He keeps it street. But, uh, that thing was, it was interesting. It's like when people, you know, when you create this big explosion, this attack on someone from something like that, it's always fascinating to me to watch that go down. Like, what's someone doing here? Like what, what's happening here? Well-

Ari Shaffir 57:30 What's, what did, what did you exp- what was your take on it?

Joe Rogan 57:33 (sighs) It wasn't his best work.

Ari Shaffir 57:36 Right, right.

Joe Rogan 57:36 You know? I mean, I think he's an amazing rapper. Like some of his shit from the past is fucking incredible.

Ari Shaffir 57:41 But his freestyle?

Joe Rogan 57:43 Well, first of all, I'm not feeling that gold chain.

Guest 57:46 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 57:47 (laughs)

Guest 57:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:49 Jamie's like, "Put that... It has to."

Guest 57:50 Well, I was gonna say, no one really freestyles anymore.

Joe Rogan 57:52 (clears throat)

Guest 57:52 It's not, nothing, nothing's really freestyle. It's just not... I don't know.

Ari Shaffir 57:55 I don't even think those freestyle things are freestyle. I feel like you made up a lot of those.

Joe Rogan 57:59 Oh yeah, it's all-

Ari Shaffir 57:59 You're just plugging in.

Joe Rogan 58:00 ... it's all practiced, man. I like the Cadillac in the back, I'll tell you that. I got a boner for that Cadillac on the right.

Ari Shaffir 58:05 The one on the right?

Joe Rogan 58:06 Yeah. That looks like, what is that, like a 70-something Cadillac? That thing's fucking beautiful. Oh, I love those things. I don't give a fuck about this rap, but that Cadillac is the shit.

Guest 58:17 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 58:17 I got a boner for old cars, dude. I'm one of those old dudes that likes old music and old cars.

Ari Shaffir 58:24 Did you see, um, that, that rap where it's like, uh, I forget who it was, but it was like saying from the white point of view about what's wrong with Black people and then from the Black point of view of what's wrong with white people?

Joe Rogan 58:33 Mm, that's always fun.

Ari Shaffir 58:34 And the video is somebody like lip syncing pretty well, some like redneck dude. It's like, "Black people always complain about this and this," and then it goes back.

Joe Rogan 58:41 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 58:42 I forget who it is, young something. But-

Joe Rogan 58:45 The problem with Black people and white people is that people say "Black people" and "white people."

Ari Shaffir 58:50 Yeah, instead of just "people."

Joe Rogan 58:51 Yeah, instead of just "people." I was watching this video, it's an annoying video, of this lady calling the cops on this little eight-year-old Black girl who's selling water. Have you seen it? Viral video.

Ari Shaffir 59:00 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:01 Viral video.

Ari Shaffir 59:02 She's not supposed to sell water.

Joe Rogan 59:03 She's calling the fucking police She's saying, "He's selling water without a permit," and her mom videotapes her...

Ari Shaffir 59:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:08 ... and puts it up and makes it viral. And that's one of those videos where it's, everything is in the right place. The white lady is overweight.

Ari Shaffir 59:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:17 She's just angry looking.

Ari Shaffir 59:19 Looks exactly like you want.

Joe Rogan 59:20 Overweight white lady. The little Black girl is as cute as