Joe Rogan Experience #1135 - Ari Shaffir

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (sighs) Ari Shaffir speed…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      (sighs) Ari Shaffir speed rapping in five, four, three, two, one. (fingers snap) Go.

   2. NANarrator0:10

      (rapping yall)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:12

      (laughs)

   4. NANarrator0:13

      (rapping yall)

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      "Kick that booty on the shelf."

   6. ASAri Shaffir0:16

      (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:16

      Yeah. It's th- We were talking about how impressive Mac Lethal is, but then Ari goes, "Yeah, but you gotta read the words."

   8. ASAri Shaffir0:22

      Otherwise, you have no idea.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:23

      Yeah, so like-

   10. ASAri Shaffir0:23

       So he could be making everything up.

   11. NANarrator0:27

       (rapping yall)

   12. JRJoe Rogan0:27

       (laughs)

   13. ASAri Shaffir0:27

       (laughs)

   14. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       So in that sense-

   15. ASAri Shaffir0:29

       Doesn't sound good.

   16. JRJoe Rogan0:29

       ... he's gone too far. He's like, "Triple F tits."

   17. ASAri Shaffir0:32

       You can't sing along with that.

   18. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       No.

   19. ASAri Shaffir0:33

       (laughs) The Triple F Tits is exactly right.

   20. JRJoe Rogan0:34

       Yeah, he went crazy.

   21. ASAri Shaffir0:35

       Where, like, "I like big boobs." He's like, "Oh, do you like this much big boob?" And you're like-

   22. JRJoe Rogan0:37

       Shak-a-doom.

   23. ASAri Shaffir0:38

       ... "All right, maybe I don't."

   24. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       Those girls who crush beer cans with their fake boobs, you've seen those?

   25. ASAri Shaffir0:42

       (laughs) Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan0:42

       You ever seen those? They lie out beer cans. They just smash 'em-

   27. ASAri Shaffir0:45

       (laughs)

   28. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       ... with the weight of their tit. It's, like, the most unsexy thing ever. It's like this hypersexuality gets morphed into this weird distortion where you-

   29. ASAri Shaffir0:54

       It's the sexual version of when your dad catches you smoking. He's like-

   30. JRJoe Rogan0:57

       (laughs)
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. ASAri Shaffir15:00

      you know, that comes up.

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      Yeah.

   3. ASAri Shaffir15:01

      But you just gotta leave the, that shit eventually.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:03

      Yeah. No, th- I think there's-

   5. ASAri Shaffir15:05

      But it's good training.

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:05

      That's cross-training.

   7. ASAri Shaffir15:06

      Yeah.

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:06

      Yeah. For sure. I think there's things like that with everything. And I think with you, what I always recognized, I was like, "Oh, he's just sort of, like, data-crunched all these cultures over four months."

   9. ASAri Shaffir15:17

      (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:17

       Like, you came back with, like ... You, you had, like, less patience for stupidity-

   11. ASAri Shaffir15:22

       (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:23

       ... and, and more, like, a, a more expanded, uh ... Th- uh, it's hard to gauge someone's understanding of the world, but the way you talked about things. It's like you had a more expanded view of things. You're like, "Well, I ch- you know, this is just America." You know? Like, your-

   13. ASAri Shaffir15:39

       Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:39

       ... your perspective is like you got everybody who thinks that this is the world, you're crazy. This is just America. We spend all, so much time in this bubble, but when you were out there-

   15. ASAri Shaffir15:47

       And you think it's this way.

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:47

       ... for, like, four months, you came back li- you ... It was almost like you were like, "Oh, okay." And I think, as a human, this is, and I think this is one of the things that happens bad to comedians when they become successful, which is one of the reasons why they drop off. They get really famous, really powerful-

   17. ASAri Shaffir16:01

       Why? I've always been interested in this.

   18. JRJoe Rogan16:02

       ... because they don't take any new experiences in, because they don't take any risks, because too many people like them o- when they go on stage.

   19. ASAri Shaffir16:08

       I know that. Play to your own crowd is a fucking awful-

   20. JRJoe Rogan16:09

       Play to your own crowd is terrible, but also-

   21. ASAri Shaffir16:11

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan16:11

       ... play to your own crowd is your fault. Here's why. You should know if your stuff is good, and you should be working on it.

   23. ASAri Shaffir16:17

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan16:17

       You should be listening to your recordings. You should listen to them and go, "Is this something that I would wanna pay to see?"

   25. ASAri Shaffir16:23

       Right, right.

   26. JRJoe Rogan16:23

       And if it's not, let me fix it. Because l- like, like, I'm in the stage right now, the w- the write a new act stage, where my act's terrible right now.

   27. ASAri Shaffir16:31

       Yeah.

   28. JRJoe Rogan16:31

       I still have the old material that I have to abandon when, uh, October comes around and the special airs.

   29. ASAri Shaffir16:37

       It'll fall back on.

   30. JRJoe Rogan16:38

       But until then, I'm just developing shit, and the new stuff is like, I've got six new minutes that are worth hearing. And then a lot of this stuff-
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Right. …

   1. ASAri Shaffir30:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      Right.

   3. ASAri Shaffir30:00

      ... "Get outta here. We don't want you here."

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:01

      Right, right, right.

   5. ASAri Shaffir30:01

      At open mics, it's any fucking freak that's there. And man, that is not a fun (laughs) experience to deal with.

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:06

      That's a real bad experience.

   7. ASAri Shaffir30:06

      I think that drives them off the most right away, early on.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:09

      (clicks tongue) Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's-

   9. ASAri Shaffir30:10

      It's shitty. Nobody's good. And then also I got this fucking smelly guy fucking leering over me.

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:15

       Yeah.

   11. ASAri Shaffir30:16

       Fuck this.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:17

       100%. Yeah, 100%. I mean, it's nightclub creepiness plus crazy people.

   13. ASAri Shaffir30:21

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:22

       So you have regular night- nightclub creepiness, and then you have... At open mics, there's always a certain percentage of people that are insane.

   15. ASAri Shaffir30:28

       Insa- literally insane.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:29

       Insane.

   17. ASAri Shaffir30:30

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:30

       Yeah, 100%.

   19. ASAri Shaffir30:30

       Ho- homeless people.

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:31

       Yeah.

   21. ASAri Shaffir30:31

       Yeah. And they get to get up in front (laughs) of you.

   22. JRJoe Rogan30:34

       Yeah.

   23. ASAri Shaffir30:34

       And you're like, "Why? What? I'm trying!"

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:36

       And he used the same mic.

   25. ASAri Shaffir30:38

       Yeah, oh.

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:38

       He used the same mic as you.

   27. ASAri Shaffir30:39

       Oh, I forgot about that. (laughs)

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:40

       Yeah, who knows what kind of shit you're getting off that mic on an open mic night.

   29. ASAri Shaffir30:43

       (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan30:44

       ... and the store-
4. 45:00 – 59:36

   But he, it seems…

   1. GUGuest45:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      But he, it seems like he got away.

   3. ASAri Shaffir45:02

      Yeah.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:02

      Didn't it look like he flew away?

   5. ASAri Shaffir45:03

      Yeah, believe that. That, that bird was fine.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:04

      Watch. Hold on. No, he's fucked up. He's gonna get fucked up. Look, see?

   7. ASAri Shaffir45:09

      He's swimming away. That thing's right after him.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:11

      Mm-hmm.

   9. ASAri Shaffir45:11

      He ain't going anywhere.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:12

       I think you're right.

   11. ASAri Shaffir45:13

       That seagull's walking like Jesus on top of the water.

   12. GUGuest45:15

       (laughs)

   13. ASAri Shaffir45:16

       Fucking over it.

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:16

       I know, with those giant feet.

   15. ASAri Shaffir45:17

       No chance, that duck, that pigeon.

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:19

       Yeah, they can kind of, like, almost walk and use their wings and they can run on the water.

   17. ASAri Shaffir45:23

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:24

       Yeah, that pigeon's fucked.

   19. ASAri Shaffir45:26

       I would love to have flight.

   20. JRJoe Rogan45:28

       What would you give up? Would you give up hearing or eyesight?

   21. ASAri Shaffir45:32

       Hearing. You can't do flight without sight. You're fucked.

   22. JRJoe Rogan45:36

       Well, you could be a bat. Look at this one. Oof.

   23. ASAri Shaffir45:39

       (gurgles) Fuck.

   24. JRJoe Rogan45:40

       Swallowed a whole duck. That is fucking insane, dude.

   25. GUGuest45:43

       (laughs)

   26. ASAri Shaffir45:43

       Oh, the other duck's trying to drive him off.

   27. JRJoe Rogan45:44

       The other duck's mad. Like, "Come on, give me back my friend."

   28. ASAri Shaffir45:46

       "Come on." Ah, damn it. He's down, he's in there.

   29. JRJoe Rogan45:49

       "Give me back, give me back my friend." Look, he just swallowed him.

   30. ASAri Shaffir45:51

       He's in his stomach.

Episode duration: 3:21:34