Joe Rogan Experience #1140 - Joey Diaz

1. 0:04 – 2:22

   Weed origin myths, church incense, and Joey’s rapid-fire absurdist storytelling

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      Five, four, three, two, one.

   2. JDJoey Diaz0:08

      The first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked it. He inhaled it. (smacks lips) He was a Chinese man. He was a very great man. And whenever he lit the, the, the, the plant, it wasn't to get high. But he would start to get high, and every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him (smacks lips) and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods, and, uh, he listened to those, to the bird. And that's exactly what he did, and he became a great emperor in China. And at that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, "Have you ever been to Disneyland?"

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:45

      (laughs)

   4. JDJoey Diaz0:45

      And the doctor goes, "No, Pablo, I haven't." He goes, "Very clean. Very organized."

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:53

      Whoa.

   6. JDJoey Diaz0:54

      That's it. But it's the truth. The first guy that ever got high was a Chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. (can pops open) It, it gave him a soothing... But after days of doing it, it packed up in his body, and he started hallucinating. He saw a blue bird... A blue bird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within, uh, the region.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:19

      What a crazy bird. He got high, and a bird started talking to him.

   8. JDJoey Diaz1:22

      What are you gonna do?

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:23

      You know, uh, I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that, uh, the pot aficionados always used to say, is that you know when a priest walks down the aisle, and they have that, that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it? That used to be weed. That's what they used to do. Used to be-

   10. JDJoey Diaz1:41

       When? In what dimension?

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:42

       I don't know. I don't know.

   12. JDJoey Diaz1:43

       At one point, I believe it was weed. Then it became that shit that Batman shot at The Green Hornet.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:49

       (laughs)

   14. JDJoey Diaz1:50

       It was like pedophile smoke, you-

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:51

       (laughs)

   16. JDJoey Diaz1:52

       ... you wake up, your shirt's on backwards and shit.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:54

       (laughs)

   18. JDJoey Diaz1:54

       Your pants are missing. (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:58

       Well, the, what did, what is it now? What kind of incense is it now? Is it sage?

   20. JDJoey Diaz2:02

       It's like this blue smoke. I, I go in there to church every once in a while.

   21. JRJoe Rogan2:05

       Yeah?

   22. JDJoey Diaz2:05

       But you have to go for the full effect one. Like, the five in the afternoon on Saturday and the early morning Sunday, they don't break out the incense.

   23. JRJoe Rogan2:12

       Mm.

   24. JDJoey Diaz2:13

       Then they'll start breaking out the fucking malukia fucking, uh, (sings) salamala malunkedoo. And the guy comes out, and one guys comes out throwing water.

   25. JRJoe Rogan2:22

       Jesus.

2. 2:22 – 6:28

   Paper routes, collections, and how early jobs shape work ethic

   1. JDJoey Diaz2:22

      And then the other guy... It's so weird how some, somebody made a, a great point on Twitter the other day. They said, "You, me, Mitch Hedberg, I think there's five of us that delivered newspapers. There's five comedians-"

   2. JRJoe Rogan2:36

      No shit.

   3. JDJoey Diaz2:36

      "... that delivered newspapers. You-"

   4. JRJoe Rogan2:39

      Hedberg did it?

   5. JDJoey Diaz2:40

      Yeah, you delivered them in a car to other places. I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood. The route in the neighborhood over, so I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers.

   6. JRJoe Rogan2:52

      I would deliver them right to the doors.

   7. JDJoey Diaz2:54

      And, oh, you did too?

   8. JRJoe Rogan2:55

      Yeah, yeah.

   9. JDJoey Diaz2:56

      You... And then you collected?

   10. JRJoe Rogan2:57

       Yeah, I collected from only a handful of people. Most people are on, like, a monthly subscription plan. They'd, they were switching over, but the people that you'd have to collect from, you had, like, this envelope, like a tan envelope. And you had to, like, mark off, like, you know, when they owed things. I b- I barely remember it, 'cause it was only a couple of the clients. And after a while, I kind of got away from doing them. I said, "I don't wanna do these people that ha-" 'Cause it's too hard to collect. It's annoying. Like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have to go to people's houses.

   11. JDJoey Diaz3:23

       That was my specialty.

   12. JRJoe Rogan3:24

       I didn't like it.

   13. JDJoey Diaz3:25

       I must've been... That was when I first got out of Catholic school, and my mom gave me an option that I had to go up there and work in the afternoons. And I'm like, "I gotta figure something out. I just don't wanna go up there anymore." And my friend said, "I'm giving up my newspaper route." But he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood. He gave up the one in the next city over, the next town over, not city. I could still walk there, but they... So I'd have to leave school and run over there because if not, the dudes would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners. So I'd have to get them, put the circulars in, put them in a thing, and then throw them on people's balcony. And then on Fridays and Saturdays, I'd have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect. "How you doing, Mr. Rogan? I'm here to pick up 75 cents." And they give you, like, $1.50. That was your tip.

   14. JRJoe Rogan4:12

       Right.

   15. JDJoey Diaz4:12

       And you got, like, $0.22 a week for delivering the paper.

   16. JRJoe Rogan4:15

       Did you collect from everybody?

   17. JDJoey Diaz4:16

       I collected from everybody. I was this efficiently-

   18. JRJoe Rogan4:19

       So what, what years were th- were these?

   19. JDJoey Diaz4:20

       This has to be '73, '74, '75.

   20. JRJoe Rogan4:26

       Yeah, so I guess when I started doing it is when I started driving, which had been like '83? I probably started '83. I probably started when I was 17. No, that was '85. '85, probably then. That's when I probably started doing it.

   21. JDJoey Diaz4:43

       Yeah, you're too old to be collecting. I wouldn't pay you either.

   22. JRJoe Rogan4:46

       Well, it wasn't even that. It was just annoying. Like, what you wanted to do was go to the depot, pick up the papers, chuck them into the people's driveways, and that's it. And then there was a few people that wanted it inside the door. So you'd have to get out of your car, open up their screen door, put it in there, and then leave. And the idea was that those people, everybody would say, "Those people will tip you better. Those two, they'll tip you better." I'm like, "Okay." And so we would only have, like, a few of those. And I think after the first couple years, they stopped doing those kind of collections, or I, I definitely stopped doing them. But it was an awesome job. When you're, uh, like, a young comic or, you know, even before I was a comic when I was fighting, it was just, uh, I didn't have to do anything where someone was telling me what to do. I could get in my car. I could listen to whatever I wanted to. I listened to Charles Lakewood Dera. He had, uh, the morning, The Big Mattress on, uh, I think it was BCN. I'm pretty sure it was B- WBCN in Boston, which is awesome radio show. I'd listen to that, chuck newspapers out windows. I'd do that for, like, three hours every day, you know? It was the best job ever, 'cause then I would make enough money where I could pay my bills, but I still had all the time in the world to do standup.... all the time in the world to train, all the time in the world to do anything. But it definitely fucked me up, (laughs) because you're not supposed to be getting up that early every day. Like, that can't be good for you. You know? If you, you listen to people that know things about sleep, like, getting up at 4:30 in the morning or 5:00 in the morning every day, and not being responsible-

3. 6:28 – 10:27

   Sleep, aging, and Joey’s edible-driven sleep experiments

   1. JDJoey Diaz6:28

      That, that was the beginning, to me, that was the beginning of the new Joe Rogan era of podcasts. That was the first podcast I listened to that I agreed with a lot, but I also had a couple mitigating factors.

   2. JRJoe Rogan6:42

      (laughs)

   3. JDJoey Diaz6:42

      Because I believe that everybody's body's a lot different. I know I could rock and roll, I could throw down on seven straight, but it's gotta be seven straight. No, no, no get-up-to-pee two times, 'cause once you're 50, you could be up and down. See, once you turn 50, 48, everything changes, Papa. So, if you sit there at night and, (laughs) "I'm drinking Kombucha with water." That has to come out throughout the night. And you will be up all fucking night, on the hour, every hour. There's no REM sleep.

   4. JRJoe Rogan7:12

      Yeah.

   5. JDJoey Diaz7:12

      There's no REM sleep. So, you have to control ... Once you get old, you have to come, uh, control your thyroid. Dog, I've been a specialist on sleep since day one. That was one of the most interesting podcasts you had on. I bought the book and everything. And he made some great points in there. I didn't, I wasn't raised on a nap, Joe Rogan. My mom didn't raise me on a nap. Once we came from Cuba, (snaps fingers) when my dad died, there was no nap. I, I went where she went.

   6. JRJoe Rogan7:38

      Right.

   7. JDJoey Diaz7:38

      So, my day consisted of 8:00 to 3:00 in the morning. She had a manager's room in the back of the bar with a cot. And if I got tired at 1:00, go back to there and take a nap, but (snaps fingers) I gotta stay here 'til 3:00, Mama gotta work.

   8. JRJoe Rogan7:52

      Wow.

   9. JDJoey Diaz7:53

      So, my sleep was always horrific. Then, when I was like five or six, in school, then I went to normal sleep. I went to Catholic grammar school, normal sleep. Everything was normal. But my mom had a bad thing that she did. My mom had an issue that a lot of parents don't do when they work nights. It was, she did it from the heart, 'cause I have a friend who does it. Wake me up at 3:00 in the morning, "Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, get up. I brought you black ink and pasta with scungilli from Umberto's, and I brought you a newspaper." Are you fucking kidding me? Could you imagine if I woke you up every night at 2:00, when you're 26 years old, Joe?

   10. JRJoe Rogan8:35

       Mm-hmm.

   11. JDJoey Diaz8:36

       At 3:30 in the morning? And you know I'm doing it from my heart. And seven out of ten times, you're gonna get up and eat the scungilli or the-

   12. JRJoe Rogan8:43

       (laughs)

   13. JDJoey Diaz8:43

       ... or the marinara sandwich I brought you from Leo's, because they worked in the city. So, if you ... Remember, if you bartend in New York City, on the way home, what are you gonna do? You're gonna stop? No, you stop and get two slices of fucking the best pizza there is in Manhattan. So, my mom would wake me up every night at 3:30 in the morning with a Cuban sandwich. That killed me over the years. That made, would make me get up every night at 3:00. There's still nights that I'll be sleeping, I'll get a good night's sleep, but I'll look at the clock, and it's 3:00 AM on the fucking dot. Because it's in my ... But like, last night, I slept good. I fucked up. My sleep was bad after I read the book for a while. It, it, that's how deep it got into my head. So, when I went back to Weight Watchers, I realized I couldn't eat any more fucking edibles because they wouldn't, they would make me hungry at night. I would fucking go off the charts with points. So, I stopped eating edibles. And Joe Rogan, my sleep pattern changed. Bad. Like, my body did not know how t- know how to go to fall asleep by itself. I went through a month of fucking two hours of sleep-

   14. JRJoe Rogan9:55

       Jesus.

   15. JDJoey Diaz9:56

       ... doing a bunch of shit, and then three more hours in the afternoon.

   16. JRJoe Rogan9:59

       Did you try anything? Did you try, like, melatonin or anything like that?

   17. JDJoey Diaz10:03

       I did cocaine for 30 years. Melatonin? The ... I could eat 20 turkeys.

   18. JRJoe Rogan10:07

       (laughs)

   19. JDJoey Diaz10:07

       They could all suck my dick.

   20. JRJoe Rogan10:09

       (laughs)

   21. JDJoey Diaz10:09

       Gaba gaba, goo boo goo boo.

   22. JRJoe Rogan10:12

       (laughs)

   23. JDJoey Diaz10:12

       I drink them all together, the tea, the wine. Leave me alone, please.

   24. JRJoe Rogan10:16

       (screams)

   25. JDJoey Diaz10:16

       Leave me the fuck alone, all right? Go fuck yourself.

   26. JRJoe Rogan10:20

       (laughs)

   27. JDJoey Diaz10:20

       I got something that's gaba gaba, the tea, and the tryptophan put together, and they still don't find ... I buy it on Amazon.

   28. JRJoe Rogan10:27

       Damn.

4. 10:27 – 18:25

   Expired edibles, travel talk, and a brutal movie deep-dive (Midnight Express)

   1. JDJoey Diaz10:27

      Not bad. So, what I learned to do was rotate it. So, now I'm back on the edibles. I found, uh, an expired bag of Cheeba Chews. Like, from the Dave Chappelle tour, when I went out with Dave that year.

   2. JRJoe Rogan10:40

      Oh, Jesus.

   3. JDJoey Diaz10:41

      I found a bag with about 24 of them.

   4. JRJoe Rogan10:43

      Oh my God.

   5. JDJoey Diaz10:44

      I slice 'em in half, you take one of those. (whooshes) Whew, you wake up at f- 6:00 in the morning to pee, your pee's brown.

   6. JRJoe Rogan10:50

      (laughs)

   7. JDJoey Diaz10:50

      They're expired, you understand me? (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan10:54

      What happens if you eat expired edibles?

   9. JDJoey Diaz10:56

      Same thing when you eat an expired Vicodin. Listen to this.

   10. JRJoe Rogan10:58

       (laughs)

   11. JDJoey Diaz10:59

       Listen to this, listen to this. This shit ain't fucking around, dog.

   12. JRJoe Rogan11:02

       (laughs)

   13. JDJoey Diaz11:03

       This works the jaw. This is-

   14. JRJoe Rogan11:05

       (laughs)

   15. JDJoey Diaz11:05

       You gonna fight Joe Schilling, eat two of these and call me back on Monday.

   16. JRJoe Rogan11:08

       It works the jaw. (laughs)

   17. JDJoey Diaz11:08

       Ain't nobody, ain't nobody knocking you out after you eat one of these darn things.

   18. JRJoe Rogan11:12

       Those things put you in another dimension.

   19. JDJoey Diaz11:14

       Oh my God, I've been in a fucking nother dimension since last week and I don't give a fuck.

   20. JRJoe Rogan11:18

       (laughs)

   21. JDJoey Diaz11:18

       I have not left the house in a week. Do you understand me?

   22. JRJoe Rogan11:21

       (laughs)

   23. JDJoey Diaz11:21

       I ate two of them on Saturday. I know you were up in Idaho. How beautiful was Idaho?

   24. JRJoe Rogan11:25

       Beautiful.

   25. JDJoey Diaz11:26

       How were the audiences?

   26. JRJoe Rogan11:27

       They were amazing.

   27. JDJoey Diaz11:28

       Tremendous, tremendous. It's like-

   28. JRJoe Rogan11:29

       The, the nicest people up there.

   29. JDJoey Diaz11:30

       It's like a bunch of really smart people that said, "You know what? Fuck California, fuck Portland, fuck New York, fuck Chicago."

   30. JRJoe Rogan11:41

       They're gonna get mad we're blowing up Boise. They wanna keep it low-key.
5. 18:25 – 23:48

   Alex Jones, conspiracies, and the line between “fun” and exhausting

   1. JRJoe Rogan18:25

      Alex Jones, I love you buddy, for real. But you say some silly shit. That's where this all comes from. Doesn't mean I don't love you. You're a great guy, but there's some shit that's just silly. It's a waste of time, you know. It, that's one of those things that's just a waste of time. Does that make sense?

   2. JDJoey Diaz18:48

      I'm with you. I'm trying-

   3. JRJoe Rogan18:49

      I think there's real conspiracies, you know. But I think there's some that ... You know, people just get caught up in looking for conspiracies in everything, and after a while it's exhausting.

   4. JDJoey Diaz19:02

      Let's get the bull off the table.

   5. JRJoe Rogan19:04

      I love the guy.

   6. JDJoey Diaz19:04

      I love, I loved the podcast with Ari last week. Yesterday, Tina Turner's son committed suicide.

   7. JRJoe Rogan19:09

      But look, he's g- Alex Jones is gonna hear this, so I'm just, I gotta finish.

   8. JDJoey Diaz19:12

      Oh, okay. I'm so sorry.

   9. JRJoe Rogan19:13

      No, it's okay. It's just, I love the guy, I really do. I just don't support a lot of the shit that he said, like the Sandy Hook stuff. I don't know if he's since disavowed that. I don't know if he changed his opinion on it. I don't know what it is, but at a certain point in time you're like, "Jesus, man. Are you, are you sure?" Like, you gotta be really sure before you say something crazy like that, right? Don't you ... I mean, don't you think? Look, I think he's a great guy in, as a person. I'm not attacking him. I just, uh, when he goes crazy and gets mad at me-

   10. JDJoey Diaz19:54

       I love when-

   11. JRJoe Rogan19:54

       ... I wanna, I wanna hug him.

   12. JDJoey Diaz19:55

       I love when he told me the story about trucks pulling up in front of your house and they could see through your walls.

   13. JRJoe Rogan20:02

       They probably can do that.

   14. JDJoey Diaz20:02

       And they do that in different neighborhoods, you know. I like all that type of stuff.

   15. JRJoe Rogan20:05

       They probably can do something like that.

   16. JDJoey Diaz20:07

       But then after five of those, and this is my experience with him, he'll tell you something that you gotta sit there and go, "What the fuck am I doing sitting here?" But that's cool. That's Alex and we accept him for what the fuck he is. I just thought there was a civil war starting today. I read on Twitter-

   17. JRJoe Rogan20:23

       That's what he was saying.

   18. JDJoey Diaz20:24

       ... there was a civil war.

   19. JRJoe Rogan20:24

       Yeah.

   20. JDJoey Diaz20:25

       The Democrats are going at it today, so somebody's shooting somebody. So who the fuck knows?

   21. JRJoe Rogan20:29

       So just to calm Alex down-

   22. JDJoey Diaz20:30

       That's why.

   23. JRJoe Rogan20:30

       ... nobody's telling me what to say. No one's telling me what to do. I'm not involved in New World Order.

   24. JDJoey Diaz20:36

       Who's the New World Order?

   25. JRJoe Rogan20:37

       I'm just a comedian.

   26. JDJoey Diaz20:37

       Just li- enlighten me about the New World Order.

   27. JRJoe Rogan20:39

       I'm not sure. I'm not involved though.

   28. JDJoey Diaz20:41

       Would you please-

   29. JRJoe Rogan20:41

       I just want Alex to know, I'm not involved.

   30. JDJoey Diaz20:43

       Who were those people you were eating dinner with the other night?
6. 23:48 – 30:14

   Secret Service fantasies: bodyguards, SEALs, and elite human wiring

   1. JDJoey Diaz23:48

      And the interpreter looked at him and says, "You think, you think ... Sorry, I ain't asking that." And there was ... But there was one particular interview, uh, he was just talking about the interview, he goes, one of the best interviews he ever did was when he pushed the guy, the, the, the guy that was standing behind Kennedy in the car, the, this, the, the agent that should have taken the bullet for Kennedy. They interviewed that guy. That's a great ... You gotta hunt that one down.

   2. JRJoe Rogan24:16

      Wow.

   3. JDJoey Diaz24:16

      That he was one step behind. I mean, he breaks down into tears. He's a real American, right? This is a guy that's a real American, took that job and they're like, "It wasn't your fault." And he's like, "You don't understand. I was a second behind."... if I would've been there just one second early, I would've caught it in my back and the President would've been alive. I mean, it's fucking crazy.

   4. JRJoe Rogan24:40

      Jesus. Can you imagine being dedicated to protect a guy with your own life?

   5. JDJoey Diaz24:47

      And to really drink the serum and to believe it like, like a fucking soldier.

   6. JRJoe Rogan24:55

      Those are very special human beings that can do that. There's not a lot of human beings that have that kind of resolve or throw their life in front of a bullet to protect someone else's. That's intense. That is intense.

   7. JDJoey Diaz25:12

      And you have to hear where the bullet is coming from, what your response time has to be.

   8. JRJoe Rogan25:18

      Jesus.

   9. JDJoey Diaz25:18

      To be... This is when you're a real high-level bodyguard. This is, you are the highest of the highest. Your hearing is impeccable. This means when you're walking down the street with this guy inside, you have to learn by yourself how to shut off nature and noises and listen to footsteps, weapons clicking, holsters opening. Think of how interesting just that alone is. That's why sometimes when you see them, they're holding one ear because they're zeroing within on anything particular, a car's tires screeching differently. Think of that fucking job, because that's what their job is, to react to that. So if there's... If Joe Rogan has eight guys, when they train... And I don't even know. I- I've never trained in Quantico, but I just know that I guarantee the first two guys, the first four guys are lead guys. They have a mission. One guy gets to the door if there's a shooting. The other guy duck... Two guys duck for the President. There's gotta be plans, like there... It's like formations in football.

   10. JRJoe Rogan26:33

       Jesus.

   11. JDJoey Diaz26:34

       What if the linebacker goes this way, you run around me. This doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you there has to be formations to protect the President or whoever it is you're protecting at that level. When I'm protecting Kevin Hart, how many people are gonna try to assassinate Kevin Hart? When I'm protecting a president, how many people are gonna really try to shoot that president with weapons? I mean, let's go to the Ronald Reagan attempt. Let's go to these attempts. How fucking fast... This is... You have to be so high elite. Vietnam, another war, and then you had to do a tour with something else where you were just like a spook, that you tiptoed and, and killed people with toothpicks and shit like this. This is my train-

   12. JRJoe Rogan27:24

       Yeah.

   13. JDJoey Diaz27:24

       This is what I think they're training you with. I don't think you're just born to be Rambo. I think they have to take you, the government, and they start with 100 Rambos. They just keep training, training, training. You lose some along the way. And after every 100, you get eight fucking savages that never had a chance to get married. The government never gave them a chance to get married. They're that good.

   14. JRJoe Rogan27:52

       Well, all these guys that I know that have been Navy SEALs, all of them, are... A- any Special Forces guys, just, you... Those are different humans, you know? They're just different people.

   15. JDJoey Diaz28:06

       Now, what's Jocko?

   16. JRJoe Rogan28:08

       Navy SEAL.

   17. JDJoey Diaz28:09

       Okay, so-

   18. JRJoe Rogan28:09

       You were in that-

   19. JDJoey Diaz28:10

       ... I hear you.

   20. JRJoe Rogan28:10

       Yeah, and, um, there's just a level that you have to be... You have to have more control over your mind, more control over your will, more control over your discipline. You're, you're in the most elite branch of the military. I mean, this is the elite of the elite. I mean, they make it in- insanely difficult to get in, so you just get the cream of the crops. The people who are... Their j- just their mental fortitude is just unlike an average person. If you meet a b- bunch of people like that, man, you realize, like, wow, people come in all kinds of different levels. There's people that just only surround themselves with other excellence. And those dudes, like those Jocko-type dudes or Tim Kennedy-type dudes, those... They're, that's a d- like a different kind of human. Like, they don't make a lot of those. If you just wanna have only those, boy, you gotta... There's a lot that has to happen before you can become a person like that. You have to, you have to travel through many valleys of the mind and the body to get to be a person like that, a person of, uh, insane resolve in a time of war. It's a very, very intense human being.

   21. JDJoey Diaz29:32

       It's, it's not even a time of war. Look at these 12 Filipino kids in the fucking bat cave stuck down there.

   22. JRJoe Rogan29:37

       Yeah.

   23. JDJoey Diaz29:37

       Look who went to get them. The fucking SEALs. The SEALs, the SEAL team went down there and got them.

   24. JRJoe Rogan29:42

       Is that what happened?

   25. JDJoey Diaz29:44

       Well, there's different various agencies, but there's also a SEAL team there.

   26. JRJoe Rogan29:49

       Makes sense.

   27. JDJoey Diaz29:50

       You know, the SEAL team, they're, they're... That's as, uh, elite as elite. So do you... I don't even know. That's how you probably become a fucking pr- uh, uh, bodyguard to the President. You'd have to fucking start, like, as an attache somewhere for a year or two with a suit on, just to adjust to human life and life without fucking hearing bombs go off every 20 minutes and shit.

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:14

       Yeah.

7. 30:14 – 58:21

   Policing, community roots, and how violence is learned

   1. JDJoey Diaz30:14

      And then move up in that system until you get to that level, the Secret Service. There's no way you're gonna be a Se- they put you through Secret Service training school and you're there in 60 fucking days. Let me tell you something. I go... My daughter goes to science camp, you know, whatever the fuck, until pre-K starts. And one of the kids she goes with, his dad's an FBI agent. So you know what my job is every day?... to sneak up on him. Every day I sneak up on him and put a gun to his side. And I go, "What's going on?" And I pat him in the back. And he giggles and shit, and I tell my wife every day, "He's the worst FBI agent I've ever seen in my life 'cause I'm 280 and I'm tiptoeing up to him and he don't even hear me in bushes and nothing like that. That's how good I am." Do you know why, dog? Because they hire them right out of an academy today, Joe Rogan, right out of college. That's why we have so many shootings. That's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers. They don't hire neighborhood kids anymore. They hire college graduates that have never had what we had. See, when you were growing up, if all else failed, you've never been arrested in your life, you really could've been a cop. You're a nice guy, but you really could've been Joe the cop. You could've been Joe the cop in Quincy, Mass that drives around in shit like that.

   2. JRJoe Rogan31:36

      Sure, anybody could be.

   3. JDJoey Diaz31:37

      Anybody could be a cop.

   4. JRJoe Rogan31:38

      It's... Mm-hmm.

   5. JDJoey Diaz31:38

      But Joe the cop would've been different. If Joe the cop would've came in here and seen me and Jamie argue, Joe the cop wouldn't arrest me and Jamie. Joe the cop would say, "I want to meet you motherfuckers tomorrow at 3:00." And he would give us both boxing gloves and we would box it out when we were 12 and both go home and get ice cream the next day. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us against the wall and if we turned around he'd shoot one of us in the fucking leg. He was part of the community, Joe the cop, and Joe the cop knew what it was like living in that community as a child.

   6. JRJoe Rogan32:13

      Right.

   7. JDJoey Diaz32:13

      Do you understand me?

   8. JRJoe Rogan32:14

      Right.

   9. JDJoey Diaz32:15

      So... And I didn't know this. I'd been thinking about... a lot about this and I ran into somebody and I asked them, an ex-cop, "Why are we having the situations we're having in this country?" The one last week in fucking East Pittsburgh is just mind-blowing. That motherfucker just... Now, there's a lot of different angles for that. They had just finished doing a shootout, but the kid took off. This cop watched him, said, "Okay," got down, dropped down military style and blast him three times.

   10. JRJoe Rogan32:45

       Ugh.

   11. JDJoey Diaz32:46

       Shoot me in the leg, bitch. Shoot me in the leg for running away. That's what Joe the cop would do.

   12. JRJoe Rogan32:52

       Yeah, but even shooting someone in the leg running away-

   13. JDJoey Diaz32:54

       Sho-

   14. JRJoe Rogan32:54

       What... yo- it's got to be something that they did that's really fucked up.

   15. JDJoey Diaz32:57

       Well, listen, I believe in shooting-

   16. JRJoe Rogan32:58

       Shooting someone in the leg-

   17. JDJoey Diaz32:59

       ... someone in the leg.

   18. JRJoe Rogan32:59

       ... if they stole a car-

   19. JDJoey Diaz33:00

       I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your fucking life.

   20. JRJoe Rogan33:02

       I hear you.

   21. JDJoey Diaz33:03

       I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life if it's an iffy call.

   22. JRJoe Rogan33:07

       Ju... but just so... so you know, y- it's not safe to shoot someone in the leg. People die from getting shot in the leg. There's a-

   23. JDJoey Diaz33:12

       How about I shot you in the fucking ankle?

   24. JRJoe Rogan33:14

       No. Okay, but I'm just saying-

   25. JDJoey Diaz33:15

       How about I shoot you in the wrists?

   26. JRJoe Rogan33:17

       It's just... I don't want to give anybody the impression-

   27. JDJoey Diaz33:19

       How many-

   28. JRJoe Rogan33:19

       ... they can just go around shooting people in the leg.

   29. JDJoey Diaz33:20

       How many... how many... how many mo- how many movies did we grow up with it? The guy got shot in the shoulder and he just went...

   30. JRJoe Rogan33:24

       (laughs)
8. 58:21 – 1:06:52

   Childhood chaos stories: street predators, neighbor feuds, and the “family member” cop card

   1. JDJoey Diaz58:21

      I ran into... I swear to God, I ran into probably... When I first moved from Cuba to 88th Street, there was a dude on the block that would smack little kids and I'm telling you right now, to my little daughter, there was words on the street that he would take you to his house and fuck you in the ass.

   2. JRJoe Rogan58:37

      Oh my goodness. That's outrageous.

   3. JDJoey Diaz58:39

      (laughs) And that's shit... this is the-

   4. JRJoe Rogan58:40

      That is outrageous.

   5. JDJoey Diaz58:40

      This is the, this is the early 70s (laughs) . This was the early 70s, which I turned into a joke later on because it would be like, "Bro, have you seen Joe Rogan lately?" "Nah, I haven't seen him in a week." "Sticky Charlie got him." Like, I... what, what-

   6. JRJoe Rogan58:58

      Sticky Charlie?

   7. JDJoey Diaz58:59

      What was his name? Mr. Martini.

   8. JRJoe Rogan59:01

      Mr. Martini?

   9. JDJoey Diaz59:02

      Mr. Martini got him. Like, when you first moved to 88th Street, that's the first thing the kids would tell you. Like, I was five.

   10. JRJoe Rogan59:09

       "Keep away from this guy?"

   11. JDJoey Diaz59:10

       "Don't fuck with Mr. Martini."

   12. JRJoe Rogan59:12

       Oh, Jesus. He's a monster in the neighborhood.

   13. JDJoey Diaz59:14

       Mr. Martini wore a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes. His wife would die and he owned a building on 88th Street in the middle. And he was angry, and he would sweep. And you know like when you were a kid and you stop in front of somebody's house? He would always come out and go, "Get the fuck out of here you little fucking douche bags. Get the fu-" And I was Cuban. I didn't understand the language. I didn't really understand what he was saying. I understood the anger, but I didn't understand the language. And he would come out with a broom, "Get the fuck out of here." And one day I realized, I'm like, "This motherfucker wants to rock." So while my other friends didn't wanna fuck with him, I'm like, "We're gonna fuck with this motherfucker." So all Cubans have that, like, water in front of their house and it's something that your mother throws change in every day?

   14. JRJoe Rogan59:58

       Yeah.

   15. JDJoey Diaz59:58

       It's like a good luck statue. And I would steal the change and bring it downstairs and I would look at the s- the poorer kids and I'd go, "Come here for a second. You want a quarter?" And they would go, "Yeah, we'll get a quarter." And I would take a quarter and throw it. When Mr. Martini lived-

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

       Mm-hmm.

   17. JDJoey Diaz1:00:12

       ... he lived, like, in a basement area, uh, he ran the whole b-... He'd be right there and he'd chase us. We'd go, "Mr. Martini, suck my weenie." And he'd fucking chase us. (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:23

       (laughs) Oh, Jesus Christ.

   19. JDJoey Diaz1:00:23

       And Doug and Du- ... Dougie, Chase us. (laughs)

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:00:25

       Oh my god.

   21. JDJoey Diaz1:00:26

       And if he caught you, he would fucking hit you like 50 times. But we fucked him up. We would fuck him up. Dog, I saw some shit the first day in... Like, New Jersey to me was a completely... that was like Mars to most people. Like, most people listen to me and go, "You, you grew up some place that doesn't exist." I'll bring eight people to fill these chairs to tell you about their parents and the people and the situations.

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:00:52

       Yeah.

   23. JDJoey Diaz1:00:52

       But the first day I went out in my hometown of North Bergen, I saw me and Joe Rogan fight-And even though I had Joe Rogan on his back, I saw Joe Rogan's father come down the stairs, pull me off Joe Rogan, smack me, punch me, kick me, throw me on the floor, and make his kid go in. That was my first experience ever in North Bergen, New Jersey. I saw Milli- Mr. Robson come downstairs. He took Anthony off his son, threw him off, smacked him in the fucking face, Joe Rogan, at 2:30 to fucking noon-

   24. SPSpeaker1:01:27

       Ooh.

   25. JDJoey Diaz1:01:27

       ... in 90-degree heat. Punched him in the stomach and told him to "Go home, you little Guinea fuck." "Go home, you little Guinea fuck," say that now, they'll throw you in jail for two years. He told him, "Go home, you little Guinea fuck," and Anthony looked at him crying a little bit. He picked up his shirt, he went like this, like he took the thing off, and he goes, "I'm calling my fucking father. You're fucking dead, motherfucker."

   26. SPSpeaker1:01:50

       Oh, Jesus.

   27. JDJoey Diaz1:01:50

       "Call your fucking Guinea fucking greaseball father. Go ahead, I dare you. He's probably a greaseball just like you." And I'm sitting there going-

   28. SPSpeaker1:01:58

       Oh.

   29. JDJoey Diaz1:01:58

       ... "I wanna see how this plays out."

   30. SPSpeaker1:02:01

       (sighs)
9. 1:06:52 – 1:12:11

   Language, assimilation, and rediscovering history through podcasts

   1. JDJoey Diaz1:06:52

      Oh, bro, that w- at that time, that was a big issue because a couple weeks before that, a guy named Tortora was a baseball coach, and he threw a kid off for speaking Spanish on the bus.... he told them. He goes, "No Spanish on the bus." And the kid goes, "Fuck you," and he spoke Spanish and he threw him off, like, 20 miles from the house. Became a big problem in my hometown. They were gonna kill the fucking dude. But I remember going home and my mom going, "He's talking the truth. In the house you speak Spanish. This is America. Outside you speak American." So my mom cut me off right there. Like, I went home, like, ready to fucking be, like, a protestor-

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:07:30

      (laughs)

   3. JDJoey Diaz1:07:31

      ... and she was like, "That don't happen here. We're Americans. You wanna talk Spanish, talk it in the house."

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:07:36

      I think there's a real benefit to being able to speak more than one language.

   5. JDJoey Diaz1:07:40

      Definitely is.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:07:41

      Yeah.

   7. JDJoey Diaz1:07:41

      It's a complete different mindset. I'm happy I do it. I speak to my daughter in Spanish. If I tell my ... ask Mercy something, I re-ask her in Spanish.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:07:53

      Oh, nice.

   9. JDJoey Diaz1:07:53

      If I tell her something, I re- I retell her in Spanish.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:07:56

       Nice. Yeah, they say that things like that, the learning new languages, in particular, opens up parts of your brain. That if you're just a dummy like me that only speaks English, you can access different ... just different ways of looking at things, you know?

   11. JDJoey Diaz1:08:13

       Well, it's very analytical. Let's say you wanted to be a lawyer. One of your pre-whatever would be a language.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:08:20

       Right.

   13. JDJoey Diaz1:08:21

       You'd also have a, a heavy math. To be a lawyer, you have to have a very heavy math pre-curriculum.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:08:30

       Mm-hmm.

   15. JDJoey Diaz1:08:30

       Yeah, a lot of history. You'd probably end up being a history major.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:08:33

       Mm-hmm.

   17. JDJoey Diaz1:08:33

       But there'd be a lot of math, a lot of econ, a lot of analytics because it forces your mind to solve equations. So when ... If you look at the pre-requisites, if you-

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:08:45

       (laughs) Pre-requisites?

   19. JDJoey Diaz1:08:45

       Whatever the fuck it is. What's the gr-

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:08:47

       Pre-requisites?

   21. JDJoey Diaz1:08:47

       Pre-requisites-

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:08:49

       (laughs)

   23. JDJoey Diaz1:08:49

       ... to be an attorney, there's a lot of math involved.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:08:52

       Interesting.

   25. JDJoey Diaz1:08:52

       There's gotta be language involved. There's gotta be politics involved like that-

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:08:56

       Yeah.

   27. JDJoey Diaz1:08:56

       ... American political systems, American history systems, all that shit. But it's gotta be heavy math. Once you get to law school, it's heavy reading and ... But before that it's a lot of problem-solving.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:09:09

       Yeah.

   29. JDJoey Diaz1:09:10

       That's the ... That's how you become a problem-solver, by fucking-

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:09:13

       Right.
10. 1:12:11 – 1:29:03

    Fitness at 50+: running limits, jiu-jitsu wear-and-tear, and recovery hacks

    1. JDJoey Diaz1:12:11

       We got a great fucking card this week we can fucking break down. I know you're broken down with Brendan. I gotta tell you, man. I like, uh, I'm leaning and I love Dan Cormier. He's a fucking champion of champions. He took a fucking couple of bombs from Anthony Johnson. Bombs from Anthony Johnson. But Jesus Christ, every time they put a, an obstacle in front of Stipe's way, he figures out a way to take it down, you know?

    2. JRJoe Rogan1:12:35

       Yeah, he's hellbent on staying champion. He's a giant dude.

    3. JDJoey Diaz1:12:39

       Yeah.

    4. JRJoe Rogan1:12:39

       Like, Stipe's a big guy. And I know that D- Daniel has beaten every single heavyweight he's fought. He's undefeated as a heavyweight. And including, like, throwing Josh Barnett around, who's just a beast. But, uh, Stipe's a ... is the m- the most accomplished heavyweight champion of all time. That's just a fact. He's ... He defended his title against the top contenders and s- did it successfully three times. Nobody else has been able to do that.

    5. JDJoey Diaz1:13:06

       Ortega, Holloway, Jesus Christ. What a great-

    6. JRJoe Rogan1:13:09

       Both fights, both fights are Jesus Christ, man. That-

    7. JDJoey Diaz1:13:11

       What a, what a fucking great fight.

    8. JRJoe Rogan1:13:12

       ... Stipe-DC fight is a fascinating fight, man.

    9. JDJoey Diaz1:13:14

       Fascinating fight. So-

    10. JRJoe Rogan1:13:16

        'Cause DC's an-

    11. JDJoey Diaz1:13:16

        ... I'm looking forward to it, so thank you.

    12. JRJoe Rogan1:13:17

        ... phenomenal wrestler and Stipe is ... I mean, he's as good as it gets right now.

    13. JDJoey Diaz1:13:22

        Are you doing the show Friday night, G?

    14. JRJoe Rogan1:13:24

        Yeah, we're doing ... Me and, uh, Ian are doing The Mirage.

    15. JDJoey Diaz1:13:27

        Okay, beautiful.

    16. JRJoe Rogan1:13:27

        Yeah, it should be fun.

    17. JDJoey Diaz1:13:29

        Nice.

    18. JRJoe Rogan1:13:30

        Yeah.

    19. JDJoey Diaz1:13:30

        You ready for it?

    20. JRJoe Rogan1:13:31

        Yeah, man. I'm excited. I'm excited for this card. It should be, should be very interesting.

    21. JDJoey Diaz1:13:36

        What's going on with you and the running lately? You're really digging it?

    22. JRJoe Rogan1:13:39

        Yeah, I'm digging it, but I have a little bit of a tear in my meniscus.

    23. JDJoey Diaz1:13:42

        Are you thinking of, if you fix the meniscus, of doing something with running? Like, running what your buddy does, those marathons-

    24. JRJoe Rogan1:13:50

        Oh, no.

    25. JDJoey Diaz1:13:51

        ... half marathons? Have you considered something like that or ...

    26. JRJoe Rogan1:13:53

        Not really, man. I'm not ... I don't ... I'm not into doing something that I know is hard to do and is definitely not good for your body. (laughs) I just think you get beat up doing that shit too much.

    27. JDJoey Diaz1:14:04

        How long does it take your friend, I mean, as good as Shane as he is-

    28. JRJoe Rogan1:14:06

        Tamerlan's a different kind of human.

    29. JDJoey Diaz1:14:08

        Well, does, uh-

    30. JRJoe Rogan1:14:08

        He needs that in some way.

Episode duration: 3:22:38