Joe Rogan Experience #1140 - Joey Diaz

Joe Rogan 0:04 Five, four, three, two, one.

Joey Diaz 0:08 The first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked it. He inhaled it. (smacks lips) He was a Chinese man. He was a very great man. And whenever he lit the, the, the, the plant, it wasn't to get high. But he would start to get high, and every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him (smacks lips) and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods, and, uh, he listened to those, to the bird. And that's exactly what he did, and he became a great emperor in China. And at that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, "Have you ever been to Disneyland?"

Joe Rogan 0:45 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 0:45 And the doctor goes, "No, Pablo, I haven't." He goes, "Very clean. Very organized."

Joe Rogan 0:53 Whoa.

Joey Diaz 0:54 That's it. But it's the truth. The first guy that ever got high was a Chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. (can pops open) It, it gave him a soothing... But after days of doing it, it packed up in his body, and he started hallucinating. He saw a blue bird... A blue bird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within, uh, the region.

Joe Rogan 1:19 What a crazy bird. He got high, and a bird started talking to him.

Joey Diaz 1:22 What are you gonna do?

Joe Rogan 1:23 You know, uh, I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that, uh, the pot aficionados always used to say, is that you know when a priest walks down the aisle, and they have that, that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it? That used to be weed. That's what they used to do. Used to be-

Joey Diaz 1:41 When? In what dimension?

Joe Rogan 1:42 I don't know. I don't know.

Joey Diaz 1:43 At one point, I believe it was weed. Then it became that shit that Batman shot at The Green Hornet.

Joe Rogan 1:49 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:50 It was like pedophile smoke, you-

Joe Rogan 1:51 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:52 ... you wake up, your shirt's on backwards and shit.

Joe Rogan 1:54 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:54 Your pants are missing. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:58 Well, the, what did, what is it now? What kind of incense is it now? Is it sage?

Joey Diaz 2:02 It's like this blue smoke. I, I go in there to church every once in a while.

Joe Rogan 2:05 Yeah?

Joey Diaz 2:05 But you have to go for the full effect one. Like, the five in the afternoon on Saturday and the early morning Sunday, they don't break out the incense.

Joe Rogan 2:12 Mm.

Joey Diaz 2:13 Then they'll start breaking out the fucking malukia fucking, uh, (sings) salamala malunkedoo. And the guy comes out, and one guys comes out throwing water.

Joe Rogan 2:22 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 2:22 And then the other guy... It's so weird how some, somebody made a, a great point on Twitter the other day. They said, "You, me, Mitch Hedberg, I think there's five of us that delivered newspapers. There's five comedians-"

Joe Rogan 2:36 No shit.

Joey Diaz 2:36 "... that delivered newspapers. You-"

Joe Rogan 2:39 Hedberg did it?

Joey Diaz 2:40 Yeah, you delivered them in a car to other places. I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood. The route in the neighborhood over, so I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers.

Joe Rogan 2:52 I would deliver them right to the doors.

Joey Diaz 2:54 And, oh, you did too?

Joe Rogan 2:55 Yeah, yeah.

Joey Diaz 2:56 You... And then you collected?

Joe Rogan 2:57 Yeah, I collected from only a handful of people. Most people are on, like, a monthly subscription plan. They'd, they were switching over, but the people that you'd have to collect from, you had, like, this envelope, like a tan envelope. And you had to, like, mark off, like, you know, when they owed things. I b- I barely remember it, 'cause it was only a couple of the clients. And after a while, I kind of got away from doing them. I said, "I don't wanna do these people that ha-" 'Cause it's too hard to collect. It's annoying. Like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna have to go to people's houses.

Joey Diaz 3:23 That was my specialty.

Joe Rogan 3:24 I didn't like it.

Joey Diaz 3:25 I must've been... That was when I first got out of Catholic school, and my mom gave me an option that I had to go up there and work in the afternoons. And I'm like, "I gotta figure something out. I just don't wanna go up there anymore." And my friend said, "I'm giving up my newspaper route." But he didn't give up the one in my neighborhood. He gave up the one in the next city over, the next town over, not city. I could still walk there, but they... So I'd have to leave school and run over there because if not, the dudes would steal my papers and sell them as their own on the fucking street corners. So I'd have to get them, put the circulars in, put them in a thing, and then throw them on people's balcony. And then on Fridays and Saturdays, I'd have to go back with a ring after dinner and collect. "How you doing, Mr. Rogan? I'm here to pick up 75 cents." And they give you, like, $1.50. That was your tip.

Joe Rogan 4:12 Right.

Joey Diaz 4:12 And you got, like, $0.22 a week for delivering the paper.

Joe Rogan 4:15 Did you collect from everybody?

Joey Diaz 4:16 I collected from everybody. I was this efficiently-

Joe Rogan 4:19 So what, what years were th- were these?

Joey Diaz 4:20 This has to be '73, '74, '75.

Joe Rogan 4:26 Yeah, so I guess when I started doing it is when I started driving, which had been like '83? I probably started '83. I probably started when I was 17. No, that was '85. '85, probably then. That's when I probably started doing it.

Joey Diaz 4:43 Yeah, you're too old to be collecting. I wouldn't pay you either.

Joe Rogan 4:46 Well, it wasn't even that. It was just annoying. Like, what you wanted to do was go to the depot, pick up the papers, chuck them into the people's driveways, and that's it. And then there was a few people that wanted it inside the door. So you'd have to get out of your car, open up their screen door, put it in there, and then leave. And the idea was that those people, everybody would say, "Those people will tip you better. Those two, they'll tip you better." I'm like, "Okay." And so we would only have, like, a few of those. And I think after the first couple years, they stopped doing those kind of collections, or I, I definitely stopped doing them. But it was an awesome job. When you're, uh, like, a young comic or, you know, even before I was a comic when I was fighting, it was just, uh, I didn't have to do anything where someone was telling me what to do. I could get in my car. I could listen to whatever I wanted to. I listened to Charles Lakewood Dera. He had, uh, the morning, The Big Mattress on, uh, I think it was BCN. I'm pretty sure it was B- WBCN in Boston, which is awesome radio show. I'd listen to that, chuck newspapers out windows. I'd do that for, like, three hours every day, you know? It was the best job ever, 'cause then I would make enough money where I could pay my bills, but I still had all the time in the world to do standup.... all the time in the world to train, all the time in the world to do anything. But it definitely fucked me up, (laughs) because you're not supposed to be getting up that early every day. Like, that can't be good for you. You know? If you, you listen to people that know things about sleep, like, getting up at 4:30 in the morning or 5:00 in the morning every day, and not being responsible-

Joey Diaz 6:28 That, that was the beginning, to me, that was the beginning of the new Joe Rogan era of podcasts. That was the first podcast I listened to that I agreed with a lot, but I also had a couple mitigating factors.

Joe Rogan 6:42 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 6:42 Because I believe that everybody's body's a lot different. I know I could rock and roll, I could throw down on seven straight, but it's gotta be seven straight. No, no, no get-up-to-pee two times, 'cause once you're 50, you could be up and down. See, once you turn 50, 48, everything changes, Papa. So, if you sit there at night and, (laughs) "I'm drinking Kombucha with water." That has to come out throughout the night. And you will be up all fucking night, on the hour, every hour. There's no REM sleep.

Joe Rogan 7:12 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 7:12 There's no REM sleep. So, you have to control ... Once you get old, you have to come, uh, control your thyroid. Dog, I've been a specialist on sleep since day one. That was one of the most interesting podcasts you had on. I bought the book and everything. And he made some great points in there. I didn't, I wasn't raised on a nap, Joe Rogan. My mom didn't raise me on a nap. Once we came from Cuba, (snaps fingers) when my dad died, there was no nap. I, I went where she went.

Joe Rogan 7:38 Right.

Joey Diaz 7:38 So, my day consisted of 8:00 to 3:00 in the morning. She had a manager's room in the back of the bar with a cot. And if I got tired at 1:00, go back to there and take a nap, but (snaps fingers) I gotta stay here 'til 3:00, Mama gotta work.

Joe Rogan 7:52 Wow.

Joey Diaz 7:53 So, my sleep was always horrific. Then, when I was like five or six, in school, then I went to normal sleep. I went to Catholic grammar school, normal sleep. Everything was normal. But my mom had a bad thing that she did. My mom had an issue that a lot of parents don't do when they work nights. It was, she did it from the heart, 'cause I have a friend who does it. Wake me up at 3:00 in the morning, "Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, get up. I brought you black ink and pasta with scungilli from Umberto's, and I brought you a newspaper." Are you fucking kidding me? Could you imagine if I woke you up every night at 2:00, when you're 26 years old, Joe?

Joe Rogan 8:35 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 8:36 At 3:30 in the morning? And you know I'm doing it from my heart. And seven out of ten times, you're gonna get up and eat the scungilli or the-

Joe Rogan 8:43 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 8:43 ... or the marinara sandwich I brought you from Leo's, because they worked in the city. So, if you ... Remember, if you bartend in New York City, on the way home, what are you gonna do? You're gonna stop? No, you stop and get two slices of fucking the best pizza there is in Manhattan. So, my mom would wake me up every night at 3:30 in the morning with a Cuban sandwich. That killed me over the years. That made, would make me get up every night at 3:00. There's still nights that I'll be sleeping, I'll get a good night's sleep, but I'll look at the clock, and it's 3:00 AM on the fucking dot. Because it's in my ... But like, last night, I slept good. I fucked up. My sleep was bad after I read the book for a while. It, it, that's how deep it got into my head. So, when I went back to Weight Watchers, I realized I couldn't eat any more fucking edibles because they wouldn't, they would make me hungry at night. I would fucking go off the charts with points. So, I stopped eating edibles. And Joe Rogan, my sleep pattern changed. Bad. Like, my body did not know how t- know how to go to fall asleep by itself. I went through a month of fucking two hours of sleep-

Joe Rogan 9:55 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 9:56 ... doing a bunch of shit, and then three more hours in the afternoon.

Joe Rogan 9:59 Did you try anything? Did you try, like, melatonin or anything like that?

Joey Diaz 10:03 I did cocaine for 30 years. Melatonin? The ... I could eat 20 turkeys.

Joe Rogan 10:07 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 10:07 They could all suck my dick.

Joe Rogan 10:09 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 10:09 Gaba gaba, goo boo goo boo.

Joe Rogan 10:12 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 10:12 I drink them all together, the tea, the wine. Leave me alone, please.

Joe Rogan 10:16 (screams)

Joey Diaz 10:16 Leave me the fuck alone, all right? Go fuck yourself.

Joe Rogan 10:20 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 10:20 I got something that's gaba gaba, the tea, and the tryptophan put together, and they still don't find ... I buy it on Amazon.

Joe Rogan 10:27 Damn.

Joey Diaz 10:27 Not bad. So, what I learned to do was rotate it. So, now I'm back on the edibles. I found, uh, an expired bag of Cheeba Chews. Like, from the Dave Chappelle tour, when I went out with Dave that year.

Joe Rogan 10:40 Oh, Jesus.

Joey Diaz 10:41 I found a bag with about 24 of them.

Joe Rogan 10:43 Oh my God.

Joey Diaz 10:44 I slice 'em in half, you take one of those. (whooshes) Whew, you wake up at f- 6:00 in the morning to pee, your pee's brown.

Joe Rogan 10:50 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 10:50 They're expired, you understand me? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:54 What happens if you eat expired edibles?

Joey Diaz 10:56 Same thing when you eat an expired Vicodin. Listen to this.

Joe Rogan 10:58 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 10:59 Listen to this, listen to this. This shit ain't fucking around, dog.

Joe Rogan 11:02 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 11:03 This works the jaw. This is-

Joe Rogan 11:05 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 11:05 You gonna fight Joe Schilling, eat two of these and call me back on Monday.

Joe Rogan 11:08 It works the jaw. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 11:08 Ain't nobody, ain't nobody knocking you out after you eat one of these darn things.

Joe Rogan 11:12 Those things put you in another dimension.

Joey Diaz 11:14 Oh my God, I've been in a fucking nother dimension since last week and I don't give a fuck.

Joe Rogan 11:18 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 11:18 I have not left the house in a week. Do you understand me?

Joe Rogan 11:21 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 11:21 I ate two of them on Saturday. I know you were up in Idaho. How beautiful was Idaho?

Joe Rogan 11:25 Beautiful.

Joey Diaz 11:26 How were the audiences?

Joe Rogan 11:27 They were amazing.

Joey Diaz 11:28 Tremendous, tremendous. It's like-

Joe Rogan 11:29 The, the nicest people up there.

Joey Diaz 11:30 It's like a bunch of really smart people that said, "You know what? Fuck California, fuck Portland, fuck New York, fuck Chicago."

Joe Rogan 11:41 They're gonna get mad we're blowing up Boise. They wanna keep it low-key.

Joey Diaz 11:44 Oh yeah, no, they wanna keep it low-key as fuck. And all those areas, you could ski up there. They got everything up there and nobody knows.

Joe Rogan 11:52 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 11:52 They got a couple people that hate black people.

Joe Rogan 11:54 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 11:55 But they keep them on the side of the state. Mark Fuhrman's up there fucking OJ's sister-in-law.

Joe Rogan 12:00 Ah.

Joey Diaz 12:00 You know what I'm saying? It's all right. It's all right.

Joe Rogan 12:03 Dude.

Joey Diaz 12:03 No, no, no, it's beautiful. And then you were in Tucson, my friend who I kidnapped showed up to your show, he said he had a great time. I go, "Why didn't you say hello to Rogan? You could've done the podcast right there." He said he was embarrassed.

Joe Rogan 12:15 Hmm.

Speaker 12:17 Damn.

Joey Diaz 12:20 But Saturday night, I, I ate a fucking edible, Joe Rogan.

Speaker 12:24 (sighs)

Joey Diaz 12:24 I ate two of these expired ones. I ate one, then I said, "Let me take a chance. It's S- Saturday night." And I ate another one, and I noticed your movie was coming on. And it is fucking ... What a phenomenal movie. Midnight Express, when they catch the kid coming back from Turkey with hash on his body.

Speaker 12:43 Oh, yeah.

Joey Diaz 12:43 Joe Rogan, that is one of the most hardest movies you'll ever fucking watch in your goddamn ... The first 30 minutes of that, like, I thought I was gonna die, like when they let him go through and they played him. And as soon as he hit the fucking plane, they turned him around, ripped his shirt, and they dropped to their hands and knees, and they gave him the seven years and they started raping him.

Speaker 13:07 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 13:07 But I watched up to the part where fucking, uh, he became friends with this dude that had a cat. And the dude name was Likey, Lecky? Leckie was the guy's name. And Leckie killed the cat, and they let this American know. You know that point where even wh- what, remember Michael Douglas in ... What was that movie where he's on the 405 and he just snaps, fighting back? Michael Douglas and shit? (laughs) And then they try to rob him. The three Mexicans try to rob him for his suitcase.

Speaker 13:34 Oh, what was that s-

Joey Diaz 13:36 (laughs)

Speaker 13:36 What was that movie called? Falling Down?

Joey Diaz 13:39 Falling Down. (laughs)

Speaker 13:42 Oh, Falling Down.

Joey Diaz 13:42 He had, like, his day. Like, that was it. That was his (laughs) last day to fucking live.

Speaker 13:47 Wow.

Joey Diaz 13:48 Thi- this fucking dude finds out they killed that poor American's cat, and he throws a fucking beating on this Lepke dude. Joe Rogan, it is one of the most disturbing beatings. There's two disturbing beatings in film history. That's number two, because he closes it out because the guy was a rat. So, after he throws a beating on ... Look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right there, he's spitting out the guy's tongue in the air.

Speaker 14:12 Oh.

Joey Diaz 14:12 And they showed it on ... I gotta give a shout-out to Turner Classic Movies. You motherfuckers been throwing heat the last six nights. They had on something else last night. They had The Gambler on the other night that followed this. This is the 40th anniversary. Joe Rogan, he throws a beating on him, opens his mouth. I'm thinking, "The guy's being a nice guy. He's gonna give him mouth-to-mouth and save the guy's life." Fuck, no. You see him going ... (growling and snarling) And all of a sudden, he just pulls up like this, Joe. They slow it up. Only a, I'll call it a fucking real director. They had On The Waterfront last night.

Speaker 14:48 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 14:48 Yeah, they ain't fucking around. And they curse. Once, I was watching. I go, "What is the commercials and, and they said 'fuck' one time." I go, "I might as well play this han now. They're gonna show the tongue."

Speaker 14:59 Oh.

Joey Diaz 14:59 Joe Rogan, he t- takes it out.

Speaker 15:01 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 15:01 You could see the rage from the fucking eight years in that Turkish jail, getting fucked in the ass, eating that hummus, drinking that fucking watered-down tea from Leckie, and he just spits his fucking tongue in the air.

Speaker 15:15 Oh, God.

Joey Diaz 15:16 Look at this beating, the best beating of all time. There's only one better beating. Our boy, the Mexican, when he beat up To- uh, (snaps fingers) the pilot, the, uh, this is Lepke.

Speaker 15:26 Jesus. Dude, I forgot about this movie.

Joey Diaz 15:30 This is a, a classic. This is a classic '70s movie.

Speaker 15:35 This is crazy, dude.

Joey Diaz 15:37 Look at him. He's just, this is eight years of getting beat up every day. "I'm not ... I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fuck."

Speaker 15:47 Fuck, dude. This is an intense scene. What year is this movie?

Joey Diaz 15:53 '78.

Speaker 15:54 Oh, my God.

Joey Diaz 15:54 I was a kid. I still remember going to see this in the movies and leaving there like, "Dog, I ain't ever going to Turkey."

Speaker 16:01 Jesus Christ. This scene, for the people that are just listening, um, he's, he's tearing apart this bathroom to get at this guy. I don't remember who the guy is.

Joey Diaz 16:12 He's the guy that sells watered-down hash and he, uh, rats you out. And he's just a creepy fucking dude. And then to finally push him over the top, he hangs his cat. He wakes up to his cat being hung. And right here, people, this is the fucking strength of the '70s, balls to the wall.

Speaker 16:32 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Joey Diaz 16:32 Smashes him. Yeah, no, this is real deal real right here. Look at him. Look at him, look at him go. (growls) Look at him. Look at him. Oh, shit! Are you fucking nuts? Good morning. It's the 4th of July. You're fucking with an American, motherfuckers. Even in Turkey we lose our fucking minds. That guy must've been half Armenian or something when he bit his tongue out. He goes, "Here you go."

Speaker 16:58 Dude.

Joey Diaz 16:58 This was ... And this, this guy ended up dying of AIDS in real life. This is a strong, strong ... Next time you have two hours-

Speaker 17:05 The guy, the real-life guy in jail or the actor?

Joey Diaz 17:06 No, no, this guy, the, the actor.

Speaker 17:08 Who was he? What was his name?

Joey Diaz 17:09 I forget what his name. Brett, Brett-

Speaker 17:11 Brad Davis.

Joey Diaz 17:12 Brad Davis.

Speaker 17:12 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 17:14 Then the second-best beating is our man, Anthony Quinn, at the end.

Speaker 17:21 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 17:21 When he, when he was 80, he beat the shit out of the good-looking dude for fucking his w- girlfriend, Mario Stowe, Madeleine Stowe, in a movie called Revenge. That is a-

Speaker 17:35 Oh, yeah. I remember Revenge. Kevin Costner.

Joey Diaz 17:37 Kevin Costner. And then he slices her face and he fucking-

Speaker 17:41 Oh, yeah.

Joey Diaz 17:41 ... puts her in a whorehouse-

Speaker 17:42 That's right. Oh.

Joey Diaz 17:43 ... to get fucked in the ass every hour-

Speaker 17:44 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 17:44 ... on the hour.

Speaker 17:46 God.

Joey Diaz 17:46 Fucking this is it.

Speaker 17:48 Ew.

Joey Diaz 17:48 It's the 4th of July, dog. Get your shit together. You know what I'm saying? If Alexus Jones is correct, we're going to have a civil war today, so what the fuck?

Speaker 17:56 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 17:56 You talk to Alex, you gotta calm him down.

Speaker 17:58 Alex, you gotta calm down.

Joey Diaz 17:59 Talking about a civil war, he had me doing an extra Cheeba Chew the other night.

Speaker 18:03 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 18:04 I, I was polishing the fucking, uh, the musket.

Speaker 18:07 Alex thinks I'm defending the new world order 'cause I didn't think that George Soros was a Nazi. Oh, it's, it's all so painful.

Joey Diaz 18:19 What's up, Joe Rogan?

Speaker 18:20 Nothing.

Joey Diaz 18:21 What's happening, brother?

Speaker 18:22 Everything's great, man.

Joey Diaz 18:23 Me too. I feel good.

Joe Rogan 18:25 Alex Jones, I love you buddy, for real. But you say some silly shit. That's where this all comes from. Doesn't mean I don't love you. You're a great guy, but there's some shit that's just silly. It's a waste of time, you know. It, that's one of those things that's just a waste of time. Does that make sense?

Joey Diaz 18:48 I'm with you. I'm trying-

Joe Rogan 18:49 I think there's real conspiracies, you know. But I think there's some that ... You know, people just get caught up in looking for conspiracies in everything, and after a while it's exhausting.

Joey Diaz 19:02 Let's get the bull off the table.

Joe Rogan 19:04 I love the guy.

Joey Diaz 19:04 I love, I loved the podcast with Ari last week. Yesterday, Tina Turner's son committed suicide.

Joe Rogan 19:09 But look, he's g- Alex Jones is gonna hear this, so I'm just, I gotta finish.

Joey Diaz 19:12 Oh, okay. I'm so sorry.

Joe Rogan 19:13 No, it's okay. It's just, I love the guy, I really do. I just don't support a lot of the shit that he said, like the Sandy Hook stuff. I don't know if he's since disavowed that. I don't know if he changed his opinion on it. I don't know what it is, but at a certain point in time you're like, "Jesus, man. Are you, are you sure?" Like, you gotta be really sure before you say something crazy like that, right? Don't you ... I mean, don't you think? Look, I think he's a great guy in, as a person. I'm not attacking him. I just, uh, when he goes crazy and gets mad at me-

Joey Diaz 19:54 I love when-

Joe Rogan 19:54 ... I wanna, I wanna hug him.

Joey Diaz 19:55 I love when he told me the story about trucks pulling up in front of your house and they could see through your walls.

Joe Rogan 20:02 They probably can do that.

Joey Diaz 20:02 And they do that in different neighborhoods, you know. I like all that type of stuff.

Joe Rogan 20:05 They probably can do something like that.

Joey Diaz 20:07 But then after five of those, and this is my experience with him, he'll tell you something that you gotta sit there and go, "What the fuck am I doing sitting here?" But that's cool. That's Alex and we accept him for what the fuck he is. I just thought there was a civil war starting today. I read on Twitter-

Joe Rogan 20:23 That's what he was saying.

Joey Diaz 20:24 ... there was a civil war.

Joe Rogan 20:24 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 20:25 The Democrats are going at it today, so somebody's shooting somebody. So who the fuck knows?

Joe Rogan 20:29 So just to calm Alex down-

Joey Diaz 20:30 That's why.

Joe Rogan 20:30 ... nobody's telling me what to say. No one's telling me what to do. I'm not involved in New World Order.

Joey Diaz 20:36 Who's the New World Order?

Joe Rogan 20:37 I'm just a comedian.

Joey Diaz 20:37 Just li- enlighten me about the New World Order.

Joe Rogan 20:39 I'm not sure. I'm not involved though.

Joey Diaz 20:41 Would you please-

Joe Rogan 20:41 I just want Alex to know, I'm not involved.

Joey Diaz 20:43 Who were those people you were eating dinner with the other night?

Joe Rogan 20:44 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 20:44 Were you at the New World Order?

Joe Rogan 20:46 Who's the dinner people?

Joey Diaz 20:47 The people you say you're eating with, smart people.

Joe Rogan 20:49 Oh.

Joey Diaz 20:49 Who are those people?

Joe Rogan 20:49 They're just ... The, these are all podcasters and former professors and all these different people that are doing, uh, different things together.

Joey Diaz 20:59 You scared me the other day though. You had-

Joe Rogan 21:00 Huh?

Joey Diaz 21:00 ... me on the ropes, right? You was thinking you went back with the CIA.

Joe Rogan 21:03 What? What?

Joey Diaz 21:04 Yeah. You had the, you know, you got-

Joe Rogan 21:05 Eddie?

Joey Diaz 21:05 ... people on the ropes. Sure.

Joe Rogan 21:07 What are you talking about?

Joey Diaz 21:07 You know, you don't know the CIA, who knows?

Joe Rogan 21:10 What?

Joey Diaz 21:11 Nothing. Okay. Don't worry about nothing.

Joe Rogan 21:12 What the fuck are you saying?

Joey Diaz 21:13 Don't worry about nothing. Eat a Cheebachew. It's, it's Fourth of July. What are you gonna do?

Joe Rogan 21:17 (laughs) Yeah.

Joey Diaz 21:17 Who gives a fuck? No fireworks-

Joe Rogan 21:19 It's like-

Joey Diaz 21:19 ... at fucking CBS Radford.

Joe Rogan 21:21 I think, I think conspiracies are fun.

Joey Diaz 21:24 (clears throat)

Joe Rogan 21:24 And that's part of the problem with conspiracies. They're fun, they're fun to chase down. They really are. They're interesting.

Joey Diaz 21:30 I'll tell you what's fun to chase down, to read about one and to absorb it by yourself.

Joe Rogan 21:35 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 21:35 Once I get into a ro- a room with three men and we're on this conspiracy for 48 minutes-

Joe Rogan 21:41 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 21:41 ... that's when I get aggravated.

Joe Rogan 21:43 Well, you don't have-

Joey Diaz 21:43 That's what I don't ever want to talk about. That's what, the shit that kills me. I don't have the time to discuss whether the moon landing or not. We all have an idea of what we think happened. Guess what? I really don't wanna talk about it. Not on the fucking Fourth of July.

Joe Rogan 21:57 Yeah. No. The, the problem with them is, and this is a tendency, is that when people get really into conspiracy theories, they're into everything being a conspiracy. It's not like they're into conspiracy theories and also into the history of Cuba. And they can give you a detailed history of some really crazy shit that went down. Like how many people that are really into conspiracy theories could give you a rundown on how Castro took over Cuba? Which is like a real thing that happened in, you know, our parents' lifetimes, right? Think about that. How many people that are re- into like, you know, whether or not there's bases on the (laughs) moon know about, you know, all these different things that have happened through human history? The Mongols, the Roman Empire, the Greek Empire, the ... It's crazy shit that definitely really happened. All the stuff that happened during the Vietnam War, all the stuff that happened during the Nixon administration, all that stuff's real. That's fascinating, fascinating shit to look into. But then you get to dumb ones like, oh God, are we really discussing whether or not the earth is flat? Is this a real conversation? Like people are really doing that? Satellites aren't real.

Joey Diaz 23:17 Go on social media. Don't ever listen to that Goddamn lie.

Joe Rogan 23:20 (laughs) You'll find a bunch of people to, that'll agree with you too. Gotta be so careful-

Joey Diaz 23:25 I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna tell you what else.

Joe Rogan 23:25 ... about not listening to scientists.

Joey Diaz 23:26 I'm gonna tell you what else I saw on Saturday, on Sunday night. Sunday night on the 50 years of 60 Minutes, they were showing how they interviewed different people and how the one guy went to Hassam Kusseim, Hassamu, Hassam Kuss-

Joe Rogan 23:40 Saddam Hussein?

Joey Diaz 23:41 Saddam Hussein.

Joe Rogan 23:42 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 23:43 And he said to him, "Ask him to tell them that this guy said he's crazy."

Joe Rogan 23:47 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 23:48 And the interpreter looked at him and says, "You think, you think ... Sorry, I ain't asking that." And there was ... But there was one particular interview, uh, he was just talking about the interview, he goes, one of the best interviews he ever did was when he pushed the guy, the, the, the guy that was standing behind Kennedy in the car, the, this, the, the agent that should have taken the bullet for Kennedy. They interviewed that guy. That's a great ... You gotta hunt that one down.

Joe Rogan 24:16 Wow.

Joey Diaz 24:16 That he was one step behind. I mean, he breaks down into tears. He's a real American, right? This is a guy that's a real American, took that job and they're like, "It wasn't your fault." And he's like, "You don't understand. I was a second behind."... if I would've been there just one second early, I would've caught it in my back and the President would've been alive. I mean, it's fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 24:40 Jesus. Can you imagine being dedicated to protect a guy with your own life?

Joey Diaz 24:47 And to really drink the serum and to believe it like, like a fucking soldier.

Joe Rogan 24:55 Those are very special human beings that can do that. There's not a lot of human beings that have that kind of resolve or throw their life in front of a bullet to protect someone else's. That's intense. That is intense.

Joey Diaz 25:12 And you have to hear where the bullet is coming from, what your response time has to be.

Joe Rogan 25:18 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 25:18 To be... This is when you're a real high-level bodyguard. This is, you are the highest of the highest. Your hearing is impeccable. This means when you're walking down the street with this guy inside, you have to learn by yourself how to shut off nature and noises and listen to footsteps, weapons clicking, holsters opening. Think of how interesting just that alone is. That's why sometimes when you see them, they're holding one ear because they're zeroing within on anything particular, a car's tires screeching differently. Think of that fucking job, because that's what their job is, to react to that. So if there's... If Joe Rogan has eight guys, when they train... And I don't even know. I- I've never trained in Quantico, but I just know that I guarantee the first two guys, the first four guys are lead guys. They have a mission. One guy gets to the door if there's a shooting. The other guy duck... Two guys duck for the President. There's gotta be plans, like there... It's like formations in football.

Joe Rogan 26:33 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 26:34 What if the linebacker goes this way, you run around me. This doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you there has to be formations to protect the President or whoever it is you're protecting at that level. When I'm protecting Kevin Hart, how many people are gonna try to assassinate Kevin Hart? When I'm protecting a president, how many people are gonna really try to shoot that president with weapons? I mean, let's go to the Ronald Reagan attempt. Let's go to these attempts. How fucking fast... This is... You have to be so high elite. Vietnam, another war, and then you had to do a tour with something else where you were just like a spook, that you tiptoed and, and killed people with toothpicks and shit like this. This is my train-

Joe Rogan 27:24 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 27:24 This is what I think they're training you with. I don't think you're just born to be Rambo. I think they have to take you, the government, and they start with 100 Rambos. They just keep training, training, training. You lose some along the way. And after every 100, you get eight fucking savages that never had a chance to get married. The government never gave them a chance to get married. They're that good.

Joe Rogan 27:52 Well, all these guys that I know that have been Navy SEALs, all of them, are... A- any Special Forces guys, just, you... Those are different humans, you know? They're just different people.

Joey Diaz 28:06 Now, what's Jocko?

Joe Rogan 28:08 Navy SEAL.

Joey Diaz 28:09 Okay, so-

Joe Rogan 28:09 You were in that-

Joey Diaz 28:10 ... I hear you.

Joe Rogan 28:10 Yeah, and, um, there's just a level that you have to be... You have to have more control over your mind, more control over your will, more control over your discipline. You're, you're in the most elite branch of the military. I mean, this is the elite of the elite. I mean, they make it in- insanely difficult to get in, so you just get the cream of the crops. The people who are... Their j- just their mental fortitude is just unlike an average person. If you meet a b- bunch of people like that, man, you realize, like, wow, people come in all kinds of different levels. There's people that just only surround themselves with other excellence. And those dudes, like those Jocko-type dudes or Tim Kennedy-type dudes, those... They're, that's a d- like a different kind of human. Like, they don't make a lot of those. If you just wanna have only those, boy, you gotta... There's a lot that has to happen before you can become a person like that. You have to, you have to travel through many valleys of the mind and the body to get to be a person like that, a person of, uh, insane resolve in a time of war. It's a very, very intense human being.

Joey Diaz 29:32 It's, it's not even a time of war. Look at these 12 Filipino kids in the fucking bat cave stuck down there.

Joe Rogan 29:37 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 29:37 Look who went to get them. The fucking SEALs. The SEALs, the SEAL team went down there and got them.

Joe Rogan 29:42 Is that what happened?

Joey Diaz 29:44 Well, there's different various agencies, but there's also a SEAL team there.

Joe Rogan 29:49 Makes sense.

Joey Diaz 29:50 You know, the SEAL team, they're, they're... That's as, uh, elite as elite. So do you... I don't even know. That's how you probably become a fucking pr- uh, uh, bodyguard to the President. You'd have to fucking start, like, as an attache somewhere for a year or two with a suit on, just to adjust to human life and life without fucking hearing bombs go off every 20 minutes and shit.

Joe Rogan 30:14 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 30:14 And then move up in that system until you get to that level, the Secret Service. There's no way you're gonna be a Se- they put you through Secret Service training school and you're there in 60 fucking days. Let me tell you something. I go... My daughter goes to science camp, you know, whatever the fuck, until pre-K starts. And one of the kids she goes with, his dad's an FBI agent. So you know what my job is every day?... to sneak up on him. Every day I sneak up on him and put a gun to his side. And I go, "What's going on?" And I pat him in the back. And he giggles and shit, and I tell my wife every day, "He's the worst FBI agent I've ever seen in my life 'cause I'm 280 and I'm tiptoeing up to him and he don't even hear me in bushes and nothing like that. That's how good I am." Do you know why, dog? Because they hire them right out of an academy today, Joe Rogan, right out of college. That's why we have so many shootings. That's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers. They don't hire neighborhood kids anymore. They hire college graduates that have never had what we had. See, when you were growing up, if all else failed, you've never been arrested in your life, you really could've been a cop. You're a nice guy, but you really could've been Joe the cop. You could've been Joe the cop in Quincy, Mass that drives around in shit like that.

Joe Rogan 31:36 Sure, anybody could be.

Joey Diaz 31:37 Anybody could be a cop.

Joe Rogan 31:38 It's... Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 31:38 But Joe the cop would've been different. If Joe the cop would've came in here and seen me and Jamie argue, Joe the cop wouldn't arrest me and Jamie. Joe the cop would say, "I want to meet you motherfuckers tomorrow at 3:00." And he would give us both boxing gloves and we would box it out when we were 12 and both go home and get ice cream the next day. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us against the wall and if we turned around he'd shoot one of us in the fucking leg. He was part of the community, Joe the cop, and Joe the cop knew what it was like living in that community as a child.

Joe Rogan 32:13 Right.

Joey Diaz 32:13 Do you understand me?

Joe Rogan 32:14 Right.

Joey Diaz 32:15 So... And I didn't know this. I'd been thinking about... a lot about this and I ran into somebody and I asked them, an ex-cop, "Why are we having the situations we're having in this country?" The one last week in fucking East Pittsburgh is just mind-blowing. That motherfucker just... Now, there's a lot of different angles for that. They had just finished doing a shootout, but the kid took off. This cop watched him, said, "Okay," got down, dropped down military style and blast him three times.

Joe Rogan 32:45 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 32:46 Shoot me in the leg, bitch. Shoot me in the leg for running away. That's what Joe the cop would do.

Joe Rogan 32:52 Yeah, but even shooting someone in the leg running away-

Joey Diaz 32:54 Sho-

Joe Rogan 32:54 What... yo- it's got to be something that they did that's really fucked up.

Joey Diaz 32:57 Well, listen, I believe in shooting-

Joe Rogan 32:58 Shooting someone in the leg-

Joey Diaz 32:59 ... someone in the leg.

Joe Rogan 32:59 ... if they stole a car-

Joey Diaz 33:00 I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your fucking life.

Joe Rogan 33:02 I hear you.

Joey Diaz 33:03 I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life if it's an iffy call.

Joe Rogan 33:07 Ju... but just so... so you know, y- it's not safe to shoot someone in the leg. People die from getting shot in the leg. There's a-

Joey Diaz 33:12 How about I shot you in the fucking ankle?

Joe Rogan 33:14 No. Okay, but I'm just saying-

Joey Diaz 33:15 How about I shoot you in the wrists?

Joe Rogan 33:17 It's just... I don't want to give anybody the impression-

Joey Diaz 33:19 How many-

Joe Rogan 33:19 ... they can just go around shooting people in the leg.

Joey Diaz 33:20 How many... how many... how many mo- how many movies did we grow up with it? The guy got shot in the shoulder and he just went...

Joe Rogan 33:24 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 33:25 You get what I'm saying? You live getting shot in the shoulder.

Joe Rogan 33:27 You know what my favorite is?

Joey Diaz 33:28 What?

Joe Rogan 33:28 They get pistol whipped and then when they wake up, it's like nothing happened. They just start duking it out with people. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 33:33 Oh.

Joe Rogan 33:33 (laughs) They got pistol whipped.

Joey Diaz 33:35 Oh.

Joe Rogan 33:35 Everybody was pistol whipping people, remember that? They would just club them in the head with the pistol.

Narrator 33:40 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 33:40 That was so crazy. That was like a thing. And then these people-

Joey Diaz 33:45 I didn't get pistol-

Joe Rogan 33:45 ... would wake up, "Why? What happened?" Right.

Joey Diaz 33:47 I didn't get pistol whipped with the butt. I got pistol whipped with the... the gun to the head. Nothing bled, thank God, but it fucking hurt. I don't know what the fuck type of gun. It was like an automatic, like a... like a 9 millimeter type thing.

Joe Rogan 34:04 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 34:04 It wasn't like a revolver. I never got hit with the butt or...

Joe Rogan 34:09 What a weird feature of the human body, if that you hit it in the right spots, it goes out. (laughs) Like if we have like a plug. We have like a loose... and like some people's plug is a little looser than others. Some people's plugs, like Mark Hunt, it takes forever to knock it loose. Some people can just take it and some people can't. It's fucking weird. It's a weird characteristic. You hit people and they go unconscious. It's very strange. It's a v- it's a very strange feature that we exploit, you know? But in movies they always make it like it's no big deal. It's a big fucking deal. It's a big deal. You should avoid having it done to you. It's a big deal to get knocked unconscious.

Joey Diaz 34:56 You know, it's so weird. When we first started hanging out one afternoon, you took me to see that boxing coach and at the time, he had four Academy Award guys he was training.

Joe Rogan 35:08 Was that Terry Claybon?

Joey Diaz 35:09 Terry Claybon.

Joe Rogan 35:11 Terry's amazing.

Joey Diaz 35:12 And... and-

Joe Rogan 35:12 He's a great guy.

Joey Diaz 35:14 We walked in there, we went upstairs and I... I think, uh, at the time when we walked up, Nicolas Cage was up there at the time.

Joe Rogan 35:21 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 35:21 With his little hair piece on and shit.

Joe Rogan 35:23 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 35:23 Looking like Johnny Goomba and stuff. And then Terry came over and gave me a hug and we went downstairs and Terry grabbed Steve Simone later on, because Steve worked there at the time. This is '97, '98. As a gym guy-

Joe Rogan 35:37 Oh, yeah.

Joey Diaz 35:38 ... and he goes, "Boy, that guy's in the wrong profession as a comic. He should've been a boxer. He hits like a mule," you know, and I never forgot that, him saying that and all the stuff you talk about, brain damage and, and whatever. It took a lot for you to... at that age to realize that this was fucking for real. This was... this was dangerous.

Joe Rogan 35:59 There was no money in it. There was no temptation.

Narrator 36:01 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 36:01 This head... this head shit is not... this is real.

Joe Rogan 36:04 It was real, but there was also, uh, I didn't have any temptation, you know?

Joey Diaz 36:08 Now, what happened before this?

Joe Rogan 36:10 There wasn't like the UFC around.

Joey Diaz 36:10 What happened before this? Like what happened to the guys that I saw playing bl- football in black and white with leather helmets?

Joe Rogan 36:18 Well, you know, leather helmets are safer, believe it or not, 'cause you don't feel as confident. When they had those leather helmets, they didn't crash into each other the same way. They... there's an o- there's a, a opinion, I don't know if I agree with it 'cause I don't know much about the sport, but there's an opinion that no pads, no helmets, football would be safer because you wouldn't be able to do the same things that they're doing now. You can't just run into people head-to-head.... you would just, it would just destroy you. And you could only do it a few times, (laughs) your body would just start breaking. But if you, you're putting helmets on and pads, it accentuates your ability to run into someone with all your force. That's unnatural, and it creates an unnatural jarring of the body and the brain that the rugby guys don't get. The rugby guys don't have all those pads, so when they're clashing into each other, they're learning how to roll with things. They're not just colliding into each other. They're not... There's a different game when you've got padding. So if you take away the padding, people have to be more careful in how they're engaged. They can't just charge in and smash into each other. They won't last. They'll have to adjust the game.

Joey Diaz 37:21 How's CTE in rugby? How is CTE in the game of rugby have been found?

Joe Rogan 37:23 It's a contact sport. For sure-

Joey Diaz 37:25 Right, it is, it is. Yeah, but-

Joe Rogan 37:26 ... people getting banged up. It's a contact sport.

Joey Diaz 37:28 But it, is it-

Joe Rogan 37:28 And it's a mild contact sport.

Joey Diaz 37:30 Are there any-

Joe Rogan 37:31 I don't know. I don't know.

Joey Diaz 37:33 Interesting to find out. I remember being a kid, dog. I don't know, I'm from Jersey, right?

Joe Rogan 37:36 It's a real good question, though.

Joey Diaz 37:37 We're from fucking Jersey, right?

Joe Rogan 37:38 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 37:39 We know football. I didn't even know soccer back then. When I lived in Jersey... no soccers. A couple Spanish people played the dark side of the, of the court. They played soccer on Sundays. They wouldn't even let nobody watch them. A couple Spanish guys. But besides that, soccer was not big in my area. But, uh, when I moved to Aspen, I would go to Aspen on Saturdays just to walk around, get a beer, get a sandwich, and I'd see rugby. I, I had never saw that. I didn't even know what the fuck it was.

Joe Rogan 38:08 Right.

Joey Diaz 38:08 And I was like in good shape. And after about three times I went, one of the guys said to me, "Why don't you show up on a fucking Saturday?" And I looked at him like, "What are you crazy?" Like, "I don't even know what the fuck you guys are doing." They have a big rug- Rug Fest in Aspen every year. Pretty much every year. That's where I first saw rugby was in Colorado. And it was-

Joe Rogan 38:30 I mean, I don't think I've ever seen it live. I've only seen it on TV.

Joey Diaz 38:32 Yeah, no, I've seen it live, and it's (grunts) that's when you hear all that shit. (grunting) You know, I saw three... I saw two things that blew me away live in, in Colorado. I saw rugby, and I saw when they did like a Tour de France star- type race, but they did it at Snowmass Village.

Joe Rogan 38:49 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 38:50 And I knew exactly what it was, the road up, and how it would have to be a circle to go back... You didn't have to go back down to Route 82.

Joe Rogan 38:58 Right.

Joey Diaz 38:59 You would just do circles around Snowmass. And I still remember being on a hill listening to them going up the hill.

Joe Rogan 39:08 Hmm.

Joey Diaz 39:08 And it just blew my fucking mind, the way the tire was hitting, the speeds, like the, how fast they were going uphill. And then 20 years later, you realize they're doing PPOs and fucking hanging out with Sheryl Crow's old husband, shooting all that shit. Can you imagine when they were shooting in the '80s when I saw them?

Joe Rogan 39:29 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 39:30 Was shit stronger back then?

Joe Rogan 39:32 I can only imagine.

Joey Diaz 39:34 What's the drug that they shoot that their legs won't stop moving at night, so they gotta get on their bicycle?

Joe Rogan 39:39 Oh, EPO. It's not that the legs stop moving.

Joey Diaz 39:41 Yeah, EPO, PPO, PPEO.

Joe Rogan 39:41 Their blood gets thick, apparently. I'm probably saying it wrong. But, uh, they, they have this feeling like they have to exercise. One of our buddies was a, uh, a biker. And, you know, he was a professional tour guy, just like, you know, not like a super famous, super successful one, but he was a, you know, professional bike rider. What would you call one of those? Cyclist.

Joey Diaz 40:04 Cyclist.

Joe Rogan 40:04 Professional cyclist. And he would tell us about it, how guys, you'd hear them... He knew that they were on EPO, and then you would hear them, uh, when they were on a tour bus, they'd get up in the middle of the night and go ride their bike. Like, they felt like they had to exercise. So, I guess if you're on a lot of it... I don't know. I don't... I've never done it. It seems like it would be awesome, though. (laughs) If you could take some drug that, like, super juiced up your endurance, that sounds awesome. But apparently, it's just not very safe. And they were saying that, um, a lot of executives take it now. Like, there's, there's people that are executives that, uh, are just entering endurance races, and they're taking EPO and, and entering into these (laughs) endurance races that, like, regular people with regular jobs just decided to take it. There was some article about that. See if you can find it. (laughs) It was like CEOs, uh, entering into en- endurance races taking EPO. But it's... A few fighters have been caught with it, and it, uh, apparently just really juices up your endurance.

Joey Diaz 41:13 And it pumps up his endurance, valium. Like, you can go 16 rounds instead of fucking 10-

Joe Rogan 41:17 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 41:17 ... type shit.

Joe Rogan 41:18 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 41:19 I had a friend that used to shoot and eat steroids and never do a pushup.

Joe Rogan 41:23 Jesus Christ.

Joey Diaz 41:24 He was whacked.

Joe Rogan 41:25 That's crazy.

Joey Diaz 41:26 And I go, "Dog, when are you going to go to the gym?" "Next week."

Joe Rogan 41:29 (laughs) That's insane.

Joey Diaz 41:31 I'll never forget him sit- seeing him eat like half a bottle of Winnebago V, the pink footballs, like the pink ones in the '80s. He would just put them in his hand like Tic Tacs with a beer.

Joe Rogan 41:41 Oh my gosh. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 41:41 "I'm going to the gym tomorrow. I did some pushups today. Just my biceps. That's all I need, a few biceps."

Joe Rogan 41:47 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 41:47 "I want lats."

Joe Rogan 41:49 Italians. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 41:54 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:56 Crazy group of humans that came over.

Joey Diaz 41:57 I always wanted you to do the impersonation for me when the Italian people in Jersey found out that Marlon Brando was gay. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:09 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 42:10 I can't fucking believe in 20 years he was the godfather. And no, no, no, he couldn't blow a regular dude. No, God forbid. He blows a Black dude to really stab me right here in the fucking heart. I couldn't even take it no more. I had to throw the DVD collection away. And fucking, I would love to hear one of those guys, what they said when they found out that, that week.

Joe Rogan 42:33 Didn't they say that he fucked everybody, men and women?

Joey Diaz 42:35 Oh yeah, he banged everybody.

Joe Rogan 42:36 He fucked everybody.

Joey Diaz 42:37 Yeah. And then it came out he was banging the guy with the big dick in Cube.

Joe Rogan 42:42 That's right.

Joey Diaz 42:42 ... to Superman. He sucked his dick, too.

Joe Rogan 42:43 Superman. That's right. (clapping) That's right. Ah.

Joey Diaz 42:45 So fucking poor Italian people, if they were Godfather fans, they were lighting those fucking DVDs on fire. Fuck Marlon Brando.

Joe Rogan 42:53 Poor, poor homophobes.

Joey Diaz 42:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:57 I like him more now. I like Marlon Brando more now that I found out-

Joey Diaz 42:59 I love Marlon Brando.

Joe Rogan 43:01 ... that he fucked him.

Joey Diaz 43:01 Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I don't... Listen, Marlon Brando, dog-

Joe Rogan 43:05 It was... But to, to... Me, Richard Pryor, thinking about Richard Pryor getting so coked up that he let Marlon Brando fuck him was one of the things I was like, (sighs) unless he li-... Uh, that's a prejudice of me. I should just assume he enjoyed it. I ass- assume he enjoyed having sex with Marlon Brando.

Joey Diaz 43:18 Marlon Brando-

Joe Rogan 43:18 Why should I give a shit? Right?

Joey Diaz 43:19 Listen, listen to me.

Joe Rogan 43:19 For real, right?

Joey Diaz 43:19 Just remember one thing, 'cause you're gonna die when I tell you this.

Joe Rogan 43:24 Uh-oh.

Joey Diaz 43:25 Marlon Brando talked the studio into giving him, like, $100 grand to read Superman. Like, you know, when people call you up, "Joe... Hi, Joe, this is Cynthia from your agents."

Joe Rogan 43:37 Right.

Joey Diaz 43:37 "We're sending you a script over for you to approve, to read. Give me $100 grand."

Joe Rogan 43:43 "Give me $100 grand and I'll read it," he said. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 43:45 When he went to the island, he went deep and he believed his ego. You gotta remember, that was an all-time record for a long time, what he got for Superman. He banged him out.

Joe Rogan 43:53 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 43:55 He took him to the cleaners type shit.

Joe Rogan 43:57 He needed him.

Joey Diaz 43:58 He fucked him up in the ass bad. Like, big money.

Joe Rogan 44:01 They needed him.

Joey Diaz 44:01 Find out what they paid 'em in 1970-whatever for Superman. Remember, he fucked him big time on, I think it's Mutiny on the Bounty. On one of those movies, they kept saying it, "Oh, we have a beautiful spot for you right here in M- Marina del Rey." "If we do this, we gotta do this on this island I found." He had gone down there to fall in love. He's like, "There's a bunch of women around. There's a bunch of women running around with leaves on."

Joe Rogan 44:25 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 44:26 "You know what damage I could do down there?"

Joe Rogan 44:28 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 44:29 (laughs) He made the studio shoot down there and then they never went down there. Who wants to go to the fucking whatever island they shot that at?

Joe Rogan 44:34 So, that's where he lived, right?

Joey Diaz 44:36 So, he went down there, he got down there and he's like, "Jamie, (snaps fingers) what's your job? PA? No more, you're the director. Rogan, you're this." And everybody was shooting and they were shooting his feet.

Joe Rogan 44:46 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 44:47 They were shooting, like, him running and, like, the shore.

Joe Rogan 44:51 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 44:51 And meanwhile, he's just banging fucking Hawaiian women eight at a time.

Joe Rogan 44:55 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 44:55 Like, just having orgies. Banging kids.

Joe Rogan 44:57 Ah.

Joey Diaz 44:57 All those kids that shot themselves, all those kids he had. Remember all those-

Joe Rogan 45:01 Oh, my God.

Joey Diaz 45:01 All those poor kids that fucking... God rest their souls dengan- all those problems he had. He was down there, like, fucking just Matadoring. Whoever, Paramount or whoever the network was showed up down there and said, "Let's see the dailies," and said, "What the fuck is this? You're done." They brought somebody else in. Marlon ended up saying, "Fuck it, I'll buy the island." (claps) He bought the island, didn't he? Like, this is just crazy shit I heard over the years.

Joe Rogan 45:28 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 45:28 And they just lived on the island. And then if they wanted him, they had to call the island and they had, like, levels. "Oh, you want me to read the script? That's gonna cost you $80." "Oh, you want me to come to the studio? That's $300,000." Like, he had levels of fucking and they would give it to him. They would... And then they didn't want him for The Godfather. They were like, "No, there's no way we want that fucking guy."

Joe Rogan 45:49 Wow.

Joey Diaz 45:50 And then finally, he put the tape in his mouth and all that shit and they approved him and he did a... Bro, that movie is like a porn, the one he did, That Last Tango in Paris.

Joe Rogan 46:01 Is it?

Joey Diaz 46:02 That's like a light porn. And then the chick came out years later and said, "That motherfucker stone-cold raped me." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:09 Really?

Joey Diaz 46:10 Yeah, he was the king of MeToo. He invented MeToo, that motherfucker, dog.

Joe Rogan 46:16 Wow.

Joey Diaz 46:17 Yeah, she came out years later and said something about that he, she didn't know, what, wh-

Joe Rogan 46:22 (sighs)

Joey Diaz 46:22 Marlon Brando went in there l- and choked her out like McQueen in fucking, uh, in The Getaway. She thought she was just getting pushed.

Joe Rogan 46:32 Yeah, the McQueen and who was it with? What was it-

Joey Diaz 46:34 Ali MacGraw.

Joe Rogan 46:35 ... Ali MacGraw. That was hard to watch, dude, 'cause you could tell that was real. There's no way that wasn't real. Like, he was really hitting her. That would hurt.

Joey Diaz 46:43 Yeah. No, no, no. He was a method actor. (laughs) He didn't give a fuck.

Joe Rogan 46:47 Dude-

Joey Diaz 46:47 He just-

Joe Rogan 46:47 ... that is harsh, man.

Joey Diaz 46:48 He's crazy.

Joe Rogan 46:49 That... But that-

Joey Diaz 46:49 He was crazy.

Joe Rogan 46:50 ... that scene was so real because of it. I mean, it's awful to watch, but, but it's real, right?

Joey Diaz 47:00 It's real.

Joe Rogan 47:00 I mean, it's, it's an awful scene.

Joey Diaz 47:02 It's real.

Joe Rogan 47:03 Fuck, man. I- imagine being her and all of a sudden, the dude just starts smacking you in the head for real and you don't know what to do and you don't want to bail out of the scene. You're getting fucked up, though. He's fucking you up. Wow.

Joey Diaz 47:15 And she didn't stop.

Joe Rogan 47:17 God.

Joey Diaz 47:17 She just kept saying the lines and-

Joe Rogan 47:19 God.

Joey Diaz 47:19 ... working with it.

Joe Rogan 47:20 Fuck, dude. Jesus Christ.

Joey Diaz 47:24 What do you say to somebody after that? Like, "Hey, man, I'm sorry, but that's what the scene called for."

Joe Rogan 47:30 You can't... See... I don't know. Uh, peop- for... It sounds fucked up to say, but I think even just that recent a time, people did not understand that if you're smacking people in the head like that, you're giving 'em fucking brain damage. Like, you smack someone in the head like that, like, you could seriously fuck them up. Like, something could be wrong with them for a long time, even if they don't go unconscious.

Joey Diaz 47:58 Did your mother ever smack you in the head?

Joe Rogan 48:00 No. No, my mom wasn't a hitter.

Joey Diaz 48:02 Really?

Joe Rogan 48:03 No, she wasn't a hitter.

Joey Diaz 48:04 Who smacked you in the head?

Joe Rogan 48:06 (sighs) Very few people.

Joey Diaz 48:11 An uncle?

Joe Rogan 48:13 No. Very few people.

Joey Diaz 48:17 I'll tell you what my grandmother did.

Joe Rogan 48:17 Maybe my grandmother cracked me once, but it was, you know, just, like, "Get your shit together." Not, like, trying to hurt me. You know? Just a little smack. I didn't get beat as a kid. But, uh, I saw a lot of violence. I saw the, the... Seeing violence when you're a kid, there's something about, like, seeing, uh, someone you're close to who's an adult beat- beating up, like, a 10 or 11-year-old. You ever see that before?... when you see, when you see-

Joey Diaz 48:46 So repeat the question.

Joe Rogan 48:46 ... something like that-

Joey Diaz 48:47 I'm sorry.

Joe Rogan 48:47 ... you ever see a grown adult beating the shit out of a 10 or 11-year-old when you were a little kid?

Joey Diaz 48:54 Yes.

Joe Rogan 48:55 That, to me, uh, wa- was ... that was like a defining moment when I was a little kid.

Joey Diaz 49:00 As a parent? Or ... I only saw parents beat their children.

Joe Rogan 49:06 Yeah, I saw someone beat somebody else's kid. It was fucked up to watch, man.

Joey Diaz 49:12 When I lived on 205 West 88th Street, we, we would come ... when I came from Cuba, we lived in Jersey for a while, my dad died, we moved to 89th Street. Then something happened at the building and we ended up moving to 88th Street. And I had a kid I had a beef with every day. And one day, I finally got my shit together in karate. Like one day, my side kick started working and that fucking right cross started working.

Joe Rogan 49:38 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 49:39 And I learned how to use my fucking up block. And I finally had this kid, his name was Rudy the Haitian. He was the only Haitian kid in the neighborhood. We lived on 88th Street. And I fucked him up this day. And his father came down and held my arms. And he made Rudy punch me. And I'll never forget that. My lip was bleeding. And he took me upstairs and he knocked on my mother's door. And my mother opened up the door and had a fucking hangover and she goes, "What's the problem?" And she goes, "Shut up, Coco." You know. And he goes, "Next time your son hits my son, I'm gonna hit him, then I'm gonna come up here and hit you."

Joe Rogan 50:13 Wow.

Joey Diaz 50:13 And my, and my mom turned around and got a butcher knife and chased Rudy's father up the stairs.

Joe Rogan 50:17 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 50:18 The cops came and the lady next door said she didn't see a knife.

Joe Rogan 50:22 Wow.

Joey Diaz 50:24 But at, at that point, we were done in the building.

Joe Rogan 50:27 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 50:27 That was one of the worst there. When I moved to North Bergen, I saw parents that ... you know, like, uh ... you ever hear a comedian go, "Oh, you hang out with white kids, you go to their house, how they talk to their parents? I could never talk to them like-" you know?

Joe Rogan 50:46 Right, right.

Joey Diaz 50:46 That's the first thing I noticed. When I went to Jersey, there was c-

Joe Rogan 50:50 (coughs)

Joey Diaz 50:50 ... there was certain kids that would take their dish and go, "I, I don't want tuna fish sandwich." (gasps) If I ever did that in my house, Joe Rogan, are you fucking kidding me? My mom would take the dish, throw it against the wall and say, "Now you're not fucking eating. Go to bed." Like that type of shit. But I also saw a fucking parent in the hallway one day that was standing the way you are with his arms crossed, talking to the teacher the way I'm talking to you, and the kid's standing right here with glasses on. And I'm walking towards them like, you know, "I went to the bathroom," I had like a hall pass. And them talking, talking, talking and in the middle of it, the father just going bam, and hitting him with a back hand. Kid goes down-

Joe Rogan 51:37 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 51:37 ... glass is broken, blood's coming out of the nose.

Joe Rogan 51:40 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 51:41 And then he's telling him to get the fuck up before I fucking kill you, you dumb motherfucker.

Joe Rogan 51:46 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 51:46 You said that to him, you dumb fuck? I have seen that.

Joe Rogan 51:49 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 51:50 That kid was the devil, though.

Joe Rogan 51:51 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 51:51 I knew that kid.

Joe Rogan 51:52 Well, the reason why that kid-

Joey Diaz 51:53 I knew that kid.

Joe Rogan 51:54 ... kid was a devil probably 'cause his dad beat him.

Joey Diaz 51:56 And then there was another kid, when I went to Catholic school, Guido, Father Ginzo, the whole fucking thing. Bro, he would come there, the nicest guy in the world, but the son was fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 52:12 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 52:12 And every time he'd get there, the n- the nun would tell him about what he did and dog, he would punch him the way Ungayo was throwing punches at-

Joe Rogan 52:25 Ungayo. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 52:26 ... at fucking Stipe. I, I swear to my mother's-

Joe Rogan 52:29 Jesus Christ.

Joey Diaz 52:29 ... grave. Like as he was crawling into the car, like fucking-

Joe Rogan 52:33 Ground pounding him.

Joey Diaz 52:34 ... pounds, 12.

Joe Rogan 52:35 Jesus Christ.

Joey Diaz 52:36 10. 10. 10.

Joe Rogan 52:37 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 52:37 10. I got thrown out at 11, at that ... so-

Joe Rogan 52:40 (exhales)

Joey Diaz 52:40 ... now are you looking at me saying, "Joey, did they deserve it?" Or whatever. Everybody, every parent had a different, uh ... you know, I watched a couple weeks ago, I was stoned to the gills and I was laughing about how people put people down and shit. And I was laughing about when Julius Erving first ... when the ABA shut down, when the ABA first shut down, if they were ... I don't know, Joe, but if there was eight categories, Julius Lerv- Erving's led seven of them.

Joe Rogan 53:08 Right.

Joey Diaz 53:09 And the ABA shut down and the Sixers picked up Julius Erving, they gave him six million dollars, which can you imagine that? What, what they give that guy at, uh, what'd they give LeBron?

Speaker 53:20 Well, LeBron's getting about 30 or 40, but yeah.

Joey Diaz 53:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:22 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 53:22 He got six million dollars for over two years or something, was Julius, and he was the biggest-

Joe Rogan 53:26 Hmm.

Joey Diaz 53:26 ... player in the world then. Now this guy's getting 154 for three or something.

Joe Rogan 53:31 Jesus.

Joey Diaz 53:32 So Dr. J switches his number from 32 to six, and now the NBA All Star Game came, so all the critics were like, "He came up from the ABA, he's gonna get his ass kicked in the NBA All Star Game." What? Go look at those statistics. He went off. He went off because of a white dude named Pistol Pete Maravich that as fu- he went to LSU and led the country in scoring, a white dude, ended up becoming a fucking boozer. But that dude knew how to handle the ball because his father would beat him.

Joe Rogan 54:06 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 54:06 His father would make him sleep in the garage in the winter-

Joe Rogan 54:09 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 54:09 ... and beat him (laughs) until he learned how to play basketball 'cause there was no losing in his fucking house. Do you understand me, Joe Rogan?

Joe Rogan 54:15 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 54:16 There's no fucking losing in my fucking house! Sleep in the garage! No dinner!

Joe Rogan 54:22 (exhales)

Joey Diaz 54:23 (coughs) But Pistol Pete knew how to fucking dribble jack and, and Pistol Pete would take you deep. Pistol Pete could, he ... anybody could cover, but the best black dude in the league could cover Pistol Pete. But if you watch that NBA All Star Game, Pistol Pete is stomping, chomping people and giving behind the back passes to Julius Erving. He even looks at a dude, a one pa- he's looking at Bob McAdoo, "I'm coming." And all of a sudden, he just puts the ball between his legs and he gives it to Julius Erving, Ju- why? Because that kid's father stayed on him.... there's different thoughts of-

Joe Rogan 54:58 Some people can handle that.

Joey Diaz 54:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:59 Some people can't, though. Like, some-

Joey Diaz 55:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:01 ... some guys are broken. But I mean, it's like how much pressure is too much pressure to create, like, a superstar like that? Like, didn't Tiger Woods, didn't his dad put a lot of pressure on him as well? Wasn't that a story?

Joey Diaz 55:11 Fuck, let's, let's talk about the, the, the, the guy that died last week.

Joe Rogan 55:15 But that's a different thing. Like, I- well, did Tiger Woods-

Joey Diaz 55:17 Joe Jackson.

Joe Rogan 55:19 ... fuck with you.

Joey Diaz 55:19 What the fuck is different about that? He created three fucking kids that changed the fucking... one kid that changed the fucking world.

Joe Rogan 55:25 Right.

Joey Diaz 55:26 He beat him, he fucked him in the ass, supposedly.

Joe Rogan 55:28 Whoa, where'd you hear this?

Joey Diaz 55:29 I'm not s- ... I don't know. He did sexual stuff with one of them.

Joe Rogan 55:31 I think you gotta be really careful with saying things like that, though.

Joey Diaz 55:33 I'm sorry, listen, this is a me too thing. Things come out, what are you gonna do? Everybody's getting the blame for something. You know what I'm saying?

Joe Rogan 55:39 Did y- ... but is this something you really heard?

Joey Diaz 55:40 I have, I've heard sexual abuse allegations from his father, but, but I had ... listen to w- ... listen to the... what, what did he create?

Joe Rogan 55:48 Well-

Joey Diaz 55:48 What did he do? What did Joe Jackson do by making them not let them fucking, uh... And, and let me tell you something, the one kid could've gone to a college to play basketball. The kids had talent as it was. Gary, Indiana. You ever go to Gary, Indiana?

Joe Rogan 56:03 No.

Joey Diaz 56:04 It's like hell, uh, uh, fucking Delaware, and then Gary, Indiana. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 56:11 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 56:11 Like, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, Gary is, like, crazy. He made these kids rehearse. He pulled them out of Gary, took them up to fucking Berry Gordy. You know, you think about this shit.

Joe Rogan 56:24 Mm.

Joey Diaz 56:25 Some of them probably hated him for what he did. You look back at those lessons that you got, Joe Rogan. How many people did you look at one day and go, "Fuck you, motherfucker." But then two years later, you look back and you look at the lesson you learned from the whole experience, and you actually have to go back and hug that person and go, "Hey man, thank you for that time. It made me a better motherfucker today 'cause of what you did." It made me a better person. We're not gonna agree with everything that happens along the way, Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan 56:57 Mm.

Joey Diaz 56:57 But it's made us who the fuck we are today.

Joe Rogan 57:00 That's an interesting thing because we grew up in a time where, uh, kids were just allowed to run around outside. Everybody ran around outside. That was just normal.

Joey Diaz 57:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:10 Right? When you were a little kid, you ran around outside. Nobody just runs around outside. I remember the first time I saw a grown lady hit ... she hit my cousin. We were both around the same age. I was probably six and she was five. And this lady slipped on ice in front of her apartment building and, uh, she got up, and my cousin just unfortunately happened to be standing right in front of her when she fell. And she got up and she said, "Don't you laugh at me." And she smacked her in the face. She wasn't laughing at her either. Just she smashed her in the face, man, like it was... she smacked her hard. And I was like, "Oh my god." I was th- ... I mean, we were both little, little kids and watching some grown adult smash our cousin in the face, we were like, "Eeh, eeh."

Joey Diaz 58:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:01 Like, you just gotta realize like, hey, you can't... (clapping hands) y- you know, you gotta be polite. There's some fucking people that will smack you in the face. And she didn't even do anything wrong.

Joey Diaz 58:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:13 There's some evil fuckers out there that'll hit little kids.

Joey Diaz 58:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:17 That's some dark shit, man.

Joey Diaz 58:18 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:19 Smacking little kids in the face.

Joey Diaz 58:21 Listen to me-

Joe Rogan 58:21 That is dark.

Joey Diaz 58:21 I ran into... I swear to God, I ran into probably... When I first moved from Cuba to 88th Street, there was a dude on the block that would smack little kids and I'm telling you right now, to my little daughter, there was words on the street that he would take you to his house and fuck you in the ass.

Joe Rogan 58:37 Oh my goodness. That's outrageous.

Joey Diaz 58:39 (laughs) And that's shit... this is the-

Joe Rogan 58:40 That is outrageous.

Joey Diaz 58:40 This is the, this is the early 70s (laughs) . This was the early 70s, which I turned into a joke later on because it would be like, "Bro, have you seen Joe Rogan lately?" "Nah, I haven't seen him in a week." "Sticky Charlie got him." Like, I... what, what-

Joe Rogan 58:58 Sticky Charlie?

Joey Diaz 58:59 What was his name? Mr. Martini.

Joe Rogan 59:01 Mr. Martini?

Joey Diaz 59:02 Mr. Martini got him. Like, when you first moved to 88th Street, that's the first thing the kids would tell you. Like, I was five.

Joe Rogan 59:09 "Keep away from this guy?"

Joey Diaz 59:10 "Don't fuck with Mr. Martini."

Joe Rogan 59:12 Oh, Jesus. He's a monster in the neighborhood.

Joey Diaz 59:14 Mr. Martini wore a black suit with a white shirt and black shoes. His wife would die and he owned a building on 88th Street in the middle. And he was angry, and he would sweep. And you know like when you were a kid and you stop in front of somebody's house? He would always come out and go, "Get the fuck out of here you little fucking douche bags. Get the fu-" And I was Cuban. I didn't understand the language. I didn't really understand what he was saying. I understood the anger, but I didn't understand the language. And he would come out with a broom, "Get the fuck out of here." And one day I realized, I'm like, "This motherfucker wants to rock." So while my other friends didn't wanna fuck with him, I'm like, "We're gonna fuck with this motherfucker." So all Cubans have that, like, water in front of their house and it's something that your mother throws change in every day?

Joe Rogan 59:58 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 59:58 It's like a good luck statue. And I would steal the change and bring it downstairs and I would look at the s- the poorer kids and I'd go, "Come here for a second. You want a quarter?" And they would go, "Yeah, we'll get a quarter." And I would take a quarter and throw it. When Mr. Martini lived-

Joe Rogan 1:00:11 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:00:12 ... he lived, like, in a basement area, uh, he ran the whole b-... He'd be right there and he'd chase us. We'd go, "Mr. Martini, suck my weenie." And he'd fucking chase us. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:23 (laughs) Oh, Jesus Christ.

Joey Diaz 1:00:23 And Doug and Du- ... Dougie, Chase us. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:25 Oh my god.

Joey Diaz 1:00:26 And if he caught you, he would fucking hit you like 50 times. But we fucked him up. We would fuck him up. Dog, I saw some shit the first day in... Like, New Jersey to me was a completely... that was like Mars to most people. Like, most people listen to me and go, "You, you grew up some place that doesn't exist." I'll bring eight people to fill these chairs to tell you about their parents and the people and the situations.

Joe Rogan 1:00:52 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:00:52 But the first day I went out in my hometown of North Bergen, I saw me and Joe Rogan fight-And even though I had Joe Rogan on his back, I saw Joe Rogan's father come down the stairs, pull me off Joe Rogan, smack me, punch me, kick me, throw me on the floor, and make his kid go in. That was my first experience ever in North Bergen, New Jersey. I saw Milli- Mr. Robson come downstairs. He took Anthony off his son, threw him off, smacked him in the fucking face, Joe Rogan, at 2:30 to fucking noon-

Speaker 1:01:27 Ooh.

Joey Diaz 1:01:27 ... in 90-degree heat. Punched him in the stomach and told him to "Go home, you little Guinea fuck." "Go home, you little Guinea fuck," say that now, they'll throw you in jail for two years. He told him, "Go home, you little Guinea fuck," and Anthony looked at him crying a little bit. He picked up his shirt, he went like this, like he took the thing off, and he goes, "I'm calling my fucking father. You're fucking dead, motherfucker."

Speaker 1:01:50 Oh, Jesus.

Joey Diaz 1:01:50 "Call your fucking Guinea fucking greaseball father. Go ahead, I dare you. He's probably a greaseball just like you." And I'm sitting there going-

Speaker 1:01:58 Oh.

Joey Diaz 1:01:58 ... "I wanna see how this plays out."

Speaker 1:02:01 (sighs)

Joey Diaz 1:02:02 And next thing you know, two cop cars pull up. And it's one cop car that's unmarked, and it's another one that's marked. And it's a big fucking Italian-looking detective, like, you know, the, the short, stumpy Italian?

Speaker 1:02:14 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:02:14 And he comes out of his car, he puts his fucking jacket on, it barely fits. But till this day, I remember the mortadells he had on his hand. And he goes, "What the fuck is going on here, kids?" And the little Italian kid comes running, he goes, "Mr... The fucking Mr. Robson came down here and he fucking smacked me in the face. These are my witnesses, tell him. Then he fucking hit me." And I'm sitting there going, "Oh, this is gonna get fucking good."

Speaker 1:02:36 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:02:37 And the next thing you know, the, the fucking cop, the detective tells the cop, "Go look around, see if there's tickets. Go spread tickets." And he goes, "Where does this guy live?" And he (inaudible) and he goes, and he grabbed all the other kids and he goes, "Tell me what happened." And he goes, "Anthony and him were fighting, and he came down here and he fucking pulled him." And now, this time they know that c- the cops are there. And Mr. Robson like kinda opened his door to be kinda tough. Like, "He's not coming up here. He's gonna know I'm gonna fucking knock him out too." And the cop goes, "Okay, okay, okay," and he grabbed the kid and he goes, "You're okay, right?" "Ugh, yeah." And he goes, "He just hit me in the face," and he fucking walked up the stairs, bro, took him five minutes, got to the top thing. (knocking) Guy opened the fucking door, it was Joe Rogan, this guy put his hand in, pulled him out, fucking put him against the fucking thing on the second floor with everybody out, and just started punching him.

Speaker 1:03:35 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 1:03:36 Punching him, punching him like fucking Jon Jones, when he's got you down, he's hitting you with those shots to the head, until the guy keeled over, and then he started kicking him with the fucking thing. Bam, bam, bam.

Speaker 1:03:52 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 1:03:52 And then at the end he goes, "Don't you ever fucking hit my son again. Let's get out of here."

Speaker 1:03:56 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 1:03:56 And that was how I became friends with the family.

Speaker 1:03:59 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:04:00 Because soon as he came down, he goes, "Who's this kid?" And he goes, "He's the spic kid, he's the only one that jumped in." And he goes, "You wanna come home for dinner?" And that was the beginning of my life-

Speaker 1:04:09 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:04:09 ... when I got in that police car. (laughs)

Speaker 1:04:12 Wow.

Joey Diaz 1:04:13 'Cause I did what-

Speaker 1:04:13 That's crazy.

Joey Diaz 1:04:14 ... whatev- I did whatever the fuck I want. Look at this. Till today. This is fucking crazy. And you know me and you don't fuck around.

Speaker 1:04:21 What do you got over there?

Joey Diaz 1:04:22 This is still... That's what happened in nineteen seventy fucking three. And what's that today? That's a, a gold card.

Speaker 1:04:30 What does this card do?

Joey Diaz 1:04:31 It, it does what it needed to do. It does whatever I need it to do, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1:04:36 You're a family member.

Joey Diaz 1:04:37 D- Why? Because of that fucking day, 'cause I'm the only guy that jumped in. (laughs)

Speaker 1:04:43 (laughs) I like how cops have things like that.

Joey Diaz 1:04:46 Fuck it.

Speaker 1:04:46 A family member.

Joey Diaz 1:04:47 Family member.

Speaker 1:04:47 You get a little secret card you could get from one of your buddies who's a cop. "Show this-"

Joey Diaz 1:04:51 You-

Speaker 1:04:51 "... 'Did you ever get pulled over?' Put this on your license plate."

Joey Diaz 1:04:53 S-

Speaker 1:04:53 They got those little, sneaky little things.

Joey Diaz 1:04:55 So now we're tight. I'm eating at the house.

Speaker 1:04:57 That's awesome.

Joey Diaz 1:04:58 I'm eating fucking pasta with-

Speaker 1:04:59 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:04:59 ... with fresh mozzarella in the middle.

Speaker 1:05:01 Oh.

Joey Diaz 1:05:02 I can open up the front door whenever I want. I call them Ma Ma, she makes cream puffs.

Speaker 1:05:06 Oh, wow.

Joey Diaz 1:05:07 So I'm tight with them. I'm the only Cuban in 1974 that's even walking in there.

Speaker 1:05:13 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:05:14 So now we're in the sixth grade and we're playing kickball, and McKinley had no fuck... Remember two months ago, Ellen DeGeneres donated $50,000 to a grammar school? It was my grammar school in North Bergen, New Jersey.

Speaker 1:05:26 Um-

Joey Diaz 1:05:26 About two months ago-

Speaker 1:05:27 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:05:28 ... Ellen DeGeneres donated $50,000. Now, when I went to that grammar school, those motherfuckers didn't have a gym, Joe Rogan. You shovel snow to get a B.

Speaker 1:05:38 Shoveled snow?

Joey Diaz 1:05:39 You shovel snow. When it snowed out, you shovel snow and-

Speaker 1:05:42 That was part of your physical education?

Joey Diaz 1:05:44 Yeah, and you did pushups and sit-ups-

Speaker 1:05:46 Man.

Joey Diaz 1:05:46 ... and fucking that-

Speaker 1:05:47 That's hard. That's like Russian shit.

Joey Diaz 1:05:48 Bro, and they had-

Speaker 1:05:49 I, it's like so-

Joey Diaz 1:05:49 ... a fucking bar in the k- in the kitchen where you did pullups.

Speaker 1:05:52 ... rocky floors.

Joey Diaz 1:05:52 No, no, they were brutal. Finally, they built a gym in the eighth grade.

Speaker 1:05:56 Yeah?

Joey Diaz 1:05:57 But before that, we played kickball outside in the forest. And one day we were keeng- playing kickball-

Speaker 1:06:02 Mm.

Joey Diaz 1:06:02 ... I'll never forget this, the guy's name was Mr. Tortora. That was the teacher's name. Was he a good guy? Yeah, he was a good f- little gym teacher. And we're out there and we're playing kickball, and again, that little Italian kid, the one that invited me to his house-

Speaker 1:06:16 Yes.

Joey Diaz 1:06:16 ... that his father beat up the fucking dude.

Speaker 1:06:18 Yes.

Joey Diaz 1:06:19 We're playing kickball and he's throwing the ball. And every time I swing and I miss, he's calling me (Spanish) . That means I'm a boogie face in Spanish, 'cause it rhymes with cocoa, right? And the teacher keeps going, "Anthony, I told you a thousand times, none of that spic shit's allowed here."

Speaker 1:06:38 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:06:38 And this is, this is the sixth grade, North Bergen, New Jersey.

Speaker 1:06:42 That's a teacher? A teacher said that?

Joey Diaz 1:06:43 This is a schoolteacher.

Speaker 1:06:45 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:06:45 Mr. Tortora's like, "Hey, none of that spicaroo shit over here, all right? This is America, all right?"

Speaker 1:06:51 Really?

Joey Diaz 1:06:52 Oh, bro, that w- at that time, that was a big issue because a couple weeks before that, a guy named Tortora was a baseball coach, and he threw a kid off for speaking Spanish on the bus.... he told them. He goes, "No Spanish on the bus." And the kid goes, "Fuck you," and he spoke Spanish and he threw him off, like, 20 miles from the house. Became a big problem in my hometown. They were gonna kill the fucking dude. But I remember going home and my mom going, "He's talking the truth. In the house you speak Spanish. This is America. Outside you speak American." So my mom cut me off right there. Like, I went home, like, ready to fucking be, like, a protestor-

Joe Rogan 1:07:30 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:07:31 ... and she was like, "That don't happen here. We're Americans. You wanna talk Spanish, talk it in the house."

Joe Rogan 1:07:36 I think there's a real benefit to being able to speak more than one language.

Joey Diaz 1:07:40 Definitely is.

Joe Rogan 1:07:41 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:07:41 It's a complete different mindset. I'm happy I do it. I speak to my daughter in Spanish. If I tell my ... ask Mercy something, I re-ask her in Spanish.

Joe Rogan 1:07:53 Oh, nice.

Joey Diaz 1:07:53 If I tell her something, I re- I retell her in Spanish.

Joe Rogan 1:07:56 Nice. Yeah, they say that things like that, the learning new languages, in particular, opens up parts of your brain. That if you're just a dummy like me that only speaks English, you can access different ... just different ways of looking at things, you know?

Joey Diaz 1:08:13 Well, it's very analytical. Let's say you wanted to be a lawyer. One of your pre-whatever would be a language.

Joe Rogan 1:08:20 Right.

Joey Diaz 1:08:21 You'd also have a, a heavy math. To be a lawyer, you have to have a very heavy math pre-curriculum.

Joe Rogan 1:08:30 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:08:30 Yeah, a lot of history. You'd probably end up being a history major.

Joe Rogan 1:08:33 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:08:33 But there'd be a lot of math, a lot of econ, a lot of analytics because it forces your mind to solve equations. So when ... If you look at the pre-requisites, if you-

Joe Rogan 1:08:45 (laughs) Pre-requisites?

Joey Diaz 1:08:45 Whatever the fuck it is. What's the gr-

Joe Rogan 1:08:47 Pre-requisites?

Joey Diaz 1:08:47 Pre-requisites-

Joe Rogan 1:08:49 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:08:49 ... to be an attorney, there's a lot of math involved.

Joe Rogan 1:08:52 Interesting.

Joey Diaz 1:08:52 There's gotta be language involved. There's gotta be politics involved like that-

Joe Rogan 1:08:56 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:08:56 ... American political systems, American history systems, all that shit. But it's gotta be heavy math. Once you get to law school, it's heavy reading and ... But before that it's a lot of problem-solving.

Joe Rogan 1:09:09 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:09:10 That's the ... That's how you become a problem-solver, by fucking-

Joe Rogan 1:09:13 Right.

Joey Diaz 1:09:13 ... uh, whatever.

Joe Rogan 1:09:16 Yeah, I agree with you. Whatever you just said. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:09:19 Well, before I got locked up, I was planning on being an attorney, so I was a-

Joe Rogan 1:09:22 Really?

Joey Diaz 1:09:23 ... um, a history major. Yeah, that's ... That, that was the fucking plan. And then, then, then there's-

Joe Rogan 1:09:28 Thank God for history podcasts.

Joey Diaz 1:09:31 I love them.

Joe Rogan 1:09:31 They're the best.

Joey Diaz 1:09:32 I was thinking of going back to school-

Joe Rogan 1:09:34 Do you learn more from those damn things?

Joey Diaz 1:09:34 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no reason. Just listen and refresh and then go on and read about it.

Joe Rogan 1:09:40 Well-

Joey Diaz 1:09:40 And you're back.

Joe Rogan 1:09:41 ... there's books on tape, too, that you listen to that are great, but, uh, Hardcore History and, uh-

Joey Diaz 1:09:44 Hardcore is great.

Joe Rogan 1:09:45 You ever listen to my boy Daniele Bolelli?

Joey Diaz 1:09:48 I'm a hardcore guy.

Joe Rogan 1:09:48 Daniele Bolelli, History on Fire, his shit is fantastic. He was telling me about this road to Rome. I've never forgot this image. Where there was, I think, something like 150 miles of bodies that were put on stakes. He sent it to me. He just sent it to me a couple of days ago. 150 miles of, of human bodies that they stuck on these big poles and shoved them into the ground. (laughs) For, like, for mi- like, every 30 yards they put a new person's body. Here it is. "125 miles with one body crucified every 30 yards or so for a total of about 6,000 people crucified on the road between Capua and Rome." What the fuck?

Joey Diaz 1:10:43 Now what, what was the purpose?

Joe Rogan 1:10:45 (sighs) I would have to go back and listen to it again. I forgot.

Joey Diaz 1:10:47 See, that's the shit I don't wanna hear.

Joe Rogan 1:10:49 Woo, that shit's intense. But-

Joey Diaz 1:10:50 I wanna start with, uh ... I'm gonna start from zero. I'm gonna start with the Mongolians and Genghis Khan-

Joe Rogan 1:10:57 Oh, listen, Wrath of the Khan, Dan Carlin.

Joey Diaz 1:10:59 That's-

Joe Rogan 1:10:59 Greatest podcast series E-world ever.

Joey Diaz 1:11:03 Yeah, that's ... I'm gonna start there and then I wanna move on to American History 101.

Joe Rogan 1:11:06 Oh, he's got a ton of them.

Joey Diaz 1:11:07 I need American History 101, day one. We're going back to roots.

Joe Rogan 1:11:13 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:11:14 Let's go from roots. Let's go to 1776, what happened all there. I need all that refreshed.

Joe Rogan 1:11:21 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:11:22 All that stuff needs to be refreshed.

Joe Rogan 1:11:24 Dude, Carlin g- has got some phenomenal stuff-

Joey Diaz 1:11:27 All the wars.

Joe Rogan 1:11:27 ... on World War I.

Joey Diaz 1:11:28 Let's cover both wars. Let's cover both wars. Let's cover the third war, Vietnam.

Joe Rogan 1:11:34 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:11:34 And let's cover the fucking whatever the i- ... the conflict. All that shit I was doing comedy, so-

Joe Rogan 1:11:39 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:11:39 ... who watches the news?

Joe Rogan 1:11:41 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:11:41 I don't know who the ... Who the fuck was watching the news in 1991? Not me. I didn't watch TV again till, you know, 2003 or something like that. I didn't-

Joe Rogan 1:11:50 Hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:11:51 ... watch the fucking news and have a chance to be inclined politically or what the fuck was going on. I was just worried about doing standup.

Joe Rogan 1:11:58 Right. This silence brought to you by marijuana.

Joey Diaz 1:12:06 Oh, I didn't ... No, no, no. I didn't know. I thought you was looking for something on whatever.

Joe Rogan 1:12:09 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:12:09 Oh, I'm ready to fucking go. You know me though.

Joe Rogan 1:12:11 I know you are.

Joey Diaz 1:12:11 We got a great fucking card this week we can fucking break down. I know you're broken down with Brendan. I gotta tell you, man. I like, uh, I'm leaning and I love Dan Cormier. He's a fucking champion of champions. He took a fucking couple of bombs from Anthony Johnson. Bombs from Anthony Johnson. But Jesus Christ, every time they put a, an obstacle in front of Stipe's way, he figures out a way to take it down, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:12:35 Yeah, he's hellbent on staying champion. He's a giant dude.

Joey Diaz 1:12:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:12:39 Like, Stipe's a big guy. And I know that D- Daniel has beaten every single heavyweight he's fought. He's undefeated as a heavyweight. And including, like, throwing Josh Barnett around, who's just a beast. But, uh, Stipe's a ... is the m- the most accomplished heavyweight champion of all time. That's just a fact. He's ... He defended his title against the top contenders and s- did it successfully three times. Nobody else has been able to do that.

Joey Diaz 1:13:06 Ortega, Holloway, Jesus Christ. What a great-

Joe Rogan 1:13:09 Both fights, both fights are Jesus Christ, man. That-

Joey Diaz 1:13:11 What a, what a fucking great fight.

Joe Rogan 1:13:12 ... Stipe-DC fight is a fascinating fight, man.

Joey Diaz 1:13:14 Fascinating fight. So-

Joe Rogan 1:13:16 'Cause DC's an-

Joey Diaz 1:13:16 ... I'm looking forward to it, so thank you.

Joe Rogan 1:13:17 ... phenomenal wrestler and Stipe is ... I mean, he's as good as it gets right now.

Joey Diaz 1:13:22 Are you doing the show Friday night, G?

Joe Rogan 1:13:24 Yeah, we're doing ... Me and, uh, Ian are doing The Mirage.

Joey Diaz 1:13:27 Okay, beautiful.

Joe Rogan 1:13:27 Yeah, it should be fun.

Joey Diaz 1:13:29 Nice.

Joe Rogan 1:13:30 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:13:30 You ready for it?

Joe Rogan 1:13:31 Yeah, man. I'm excited. I'm excited for this card. It should be, should be very interesting.

Joey Diaz 1:13:36 What's going on with you and the running lately? You're really digging it?

Joe Rogan 1:13:39 Yeah, I'm digging it, but I have a little bit of a tear in my meniscus.

Joey Diaz 1:13:42 Are you thinking of, if you fix the meniscus, of doing something with running? Like, running what your buddy does, those marathons-

Joe Rogan 1:13:50 Oh, no.

Joey Diaz 1:13:51 ... half marathons? Have you considered something like that or ...

Joe Rogan 1:13:53 Not really, man. I'm not ... I don't ... I'm not into doing something that I know is hard to do and is definitely not good for your body. (laughs) I just think you get beat up doing that shit too much.

Joey Diaz 1:14:04 How long does it take your friend, I mean, as good as Shane as he is-

Joe Rogan 1:14:06 Tamerlan's a different kind of human.

Joey Diaz 1:14:08 Well, does, uh-

Joe Rogan 1:14:08 He needs that in some way.

Joey Diaz 1:14:09 How long does it take him to recover from something like that?

Joe Rogan 1:14:11 Well, that's an interesting thing you just ... uh, good, good time for that question because he just ran a race today. He ran, like, a six-mile race and he was saying that his legs are not fully recovered. He was saying in the post that, you know, his cardio is really good, but you gotta figure, you run for 24 hours. I mean, he ran for 24 hours just a month ago, right? Was it a month ago?

Speaker 1:14:34 Not even.

Joe Rogan 1:14:34 Not even a month ago. Three weeks ago?

Speaker 1:14:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:14:35 Something like that?

Speaker 1:14:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:14:37 Um, that shit takes time and he's 50. You know?

Joey Diaz 1:14:40 (coughs)

Joe Rogan 1:14:40 When you're 50 years old it's not as, uh, it's not as easy to bounce back.

Joey Diaz 1:14:44 The recovery is ... The recovery is, is very tough, man.

Joe Rogan 1:14:46 Yeah, he's an animal. But he lives to push himself like that. You know, I'm more inclined to try to preserve my body. I like pushing myself, but I'm just a chicken shit. I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be breaking hips and knees and shit.

Joey Diaz 1:15:01 Our brother just had sh- shoulder surgery.

Joe Rogan 1:15:04 Eddie Bravo.

Joey Diaz 1:15:04 Yeah, he just got the stitches out.

Joe Rogan 1:15:06 This is his second surgery that he's had just this year. You know? He had, um, he had knee surgery real recently. Like, a few months ago, right? Didn't he have his meniscus done a few months ago?

Joey Diaz 1:15:18 Yes.

Joe Rogan 1:15:18 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:15:18 This generation of jujitsu guys is learning a lot and they're learning what they're gonna pass on to the next generation is that it's great to roll and the leg locks are great and all that is great, but there's another aspect to this. This was called yoga and keeping your muscles strong and-

Joe Rogan 1:15:35 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:15:35 ... and the conditioning has to be good and your, uh, you know-

Joe Rogan 1:15:39 It's also just-

Joey Diaz 1:15:40 ... you have to take care of yourself.

Joe Rogan 1:15:40 ... wear and tear.

Joey Diaz 1:15:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:15:41 It's just-

Joey Diaz 1:15:42 You have to take care of yourself. A li- ... These, these, these guys didn't know. You didn't know.

Joe Rogan 1:15:45 No.

Joey Diaz 1:15:45 You didn't know. You don't know about-

Joe Rogan 1:15:46 Well, it took me a while to learn.

Joey Diaz 1:15:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:15:48 But the, the reality of jujitsu is it's a thing that as you get older, you have to be much more careful who you train with and how you train. You can't just go balls to the wall like you could when you were 27. You have to keep your shit together. And, you know, injuries are real. You can't just work through 'em. Like, that was a big fallacy. People would get hurt and they would try to roll light. Nobody ever rolls light. They always say they're