Joe Rogan Experience #1140 - Joey Diaz

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   Five, four, three, two,…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      Five, four, three, two, one.

   2. JDJoey Diaz0:08

      The first man to smoke marijuana never really smoked it. He inhaled it. (smacks lips) He was a Chinese man. He was a very great man. And whenever he lit the, the, the, the plant, it wasn't to get high. But he would start to get high, and every time he got high, a blue bird would come to him (smacks lips) and tell him to conquer his neighboring neighborhoods, and, uh, he listened to those, to the bird. And that's exactly what he did, and he became a great emperor in China. And at that point in the story, Pablo Escobar looks at his doctor and he goes, "Have you ever been to Disneyland?"

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:45

      (laughs)

   4. JDJoey Diaz0:45

      And the doctor goes, "No, Pablo, I haven't." He goes, "Very clean. Very organized."

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:53

      Whoa.

   6. JDJoey Diaz0:54

      That's it. But it's the truth. The first guy that ever got high was a Chinese dude that burnt the plant because he liked the smell of the plant. (can pops open) It, it gave him a soothing... But after days of doing it, it packed up in his body, and he started hallucinating. He saw a blue bird... A blue bird came to him and told him that he had to conquer the neighborhoods within, uh, the region.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:19

      What a crazy bird. He got high, and a bird started talking to him.

   8. JDJoey Diaz1:22

      What are you gonna do?

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:23

      You know, uh, I don't know if this is true, but this is one of the things that, uh, the pot aficionados always used to say, is that you know when a priest walks down the aisle, and they have that, that thing that they swing and there's burning incense inside of it? That used to be weed. That's what they used to do. Used to be-

   10. JDJoey Diaz1:41

       When? In what dimension?

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:42

       I don't know. I don't know.

   12. JDJoey Diaz1:43

       At one point, I believe it was weed. Then it became that shit that Batman shot at The Green Hornet.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:49

       (laughs)

   14. JDJoey Diaz1:50

       It was like pedophile smoke, you-

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:51

       (laughs)

   16. JDJoey Diaz1:52

       ... you wake up, your shirt's on backwards and shit.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:54

       (laughs)

   18. JDJoey Diaz1:54

       Your pants are missing. (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:58

       Well, the, what did, what is it now? What kind of incense is it now? Is it sage?

   20. JDJoey Diaz2:02

       It's like this blue smoke. I, I go in there to church every once in a while.

   21. JRJoe Rogan2:05

       Yeah?

   22. JDJoey Diaz2:05

       But you have to go for the full effect one. Like, the five in the afternoon on Saturday and the early morning Sunday, they don't break out the incense.

   23. JRJoe Rogan2:12

       Mm.

   24. JDJoey Diaz2:13

       Then they'll start breaking out the fucking malukia fucking, uh, (sings) salamala malunkedoo. And the guy comes out, and one guys comes out throwing water.

   25. JRJoe Rogan2:22

       Jesus.

   26. JDJoey Diaz2:22

       And then the other guy... It's so weird how some, somebody made a, a great point on Twitter the other day. They said, "You, me, Mitch Hedberg, I think there's five of us that delivered newspapers. There's five comedians-"

   27. JRJoe Rogan2:36

       No shit.

   28. JDJoey Diaz2:36

       "... that delivered newspapers. You-"

   29. JRJoe Rogan2:39

       Hedberg did it?

   30. JDJoey Diaz2:40

       Yeah, you delivered them in a car to other places. I was an asshole that took a route, but not the route in my neighborhood. The route in the neighborhood over, so I had to beat the kids there before they'd get there and steal the papers.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Jesus. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz15:00

      he t- takes it out.

   2. SPSpeaker15:01

      Jesus.

   3. JDJoey Diaz15:01

      You could see the rage from the fucking eight years in that Turkish jail, getting fucked in the ass, eating that hummus, drinking that fucking watered-down tea from Leckie, and he just spits his fucking tongue in the air.

   4. SPSpeaker15:15

      Oh, God.

   5. JDJoey Diaz15:16

      Look at this beating, the best beating of all time. There's only one better beating. Our boy, the Mexican, when he beat up To- uh, (snaps fingers) the pilot, the, uh, this is Lepke.

   6. SPSpeaker15:26

      Jesus. Dude, I forgot about this movie.

   7. JDJoey Diaz15:30

      This is a, a classic. This is a classic '70s movie.

   8. SPSpeaker15:35

      This is crazy, dude.

   9. JDJoey Diaz15:37

      Look at him. He's just, this is eight years of getting beat up every day. "I'm not ... I'm gonna fucking kill you, you fuck."

   10. SPSpeaker15:47

       Fuck, dude. This is an intense scene. What year is this movie?

   11. JDJoey Diaz15:53

       '78.

   12. SPSpeaker15:54

       Oh, my God.

   13. JDJoey Diaz15:54

       I was a kid. I still remember going to see this in the movies and leaving there like, "Dog, I ain't ever going to Turkey."

   14. SPSpeaker16:01

       Jesus Christ. This scene, for the people that are just listening, um, he's, he's tearing apart this bathroom to get at this guy. I don't remember who the guy is.

   15. JDJoey Diaz16:12

       He's the guy that sells watered-down hash and he, uh, rats you out. And he's just a creepy fucking dude. And then to finally push him over the top, he hangs his cat. He wakes up to his cat being hung. And right here, people, this is the fucking strength of the '70s, balls to the wall.

   16. SPSpeaker16:32

       Oh, Jesus Christ.

   17. JDJoey Diaz16:32

       Smashes him. Yeah, no, this is real deal real right here. Look at him. Look at him, look at him go. (growls) Look at him. Look at him. Oh, shit! Are you fucking nuts? Good morning. It's the 4th of July. You're fucking with an American, motherfuckers. Even in Turkey we lose our fucking minds. That guy must've been half Armenian or something when he bit his tongue out. He goes, "Here you go."

   18. SPSpeaker16:58

       Dude.

   19. JDJoey Diaz16:58

       This was ... And this, this guy ended up dying of AIDS in real life. This is a strong, strong ... Next time you have two hours-

   20. SPSpeaker17:05

       The guy, the real-life guy in jail or the actor?

   21. JDJoey Diaz17:06

       No, no, this guy, the, the actor.

   22. SPSpeaker17:08

       Who was he? What was his name?

   23. JDJoey Diaz17:09

       I forget what his name. Brett, Brett-

   24. SPSpeaker17:11

       Brad Davis.

   25. JDJoey Diaz17:12

       Brad Davis.

   26. SPSpeaker17:12

       Jesus.

   27. JDJoey Diaz17:14

       Then the second-best beating is our man, Anthony Quinn, at the end.

   28. SPSpeaker17:21

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz17:21

       When he, when he was 80, he beat the shit out of the good-looking dude for fucking his w- girlfriend, Mario Stowe, Madeleine Stowe, in a movie called Revenge. That is a-

   30. SPSpeaker17:35

       Oh, yeah. I remember Revenge. Kevin Costner.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz30:00

      pr- uh, uh, bodyguard to the President. You'd have to fucking start, like, as an attache somewhere for a year or two with a suit on, just to adjust to human life and life without fucking hearing bombs go off every 20 minutes and shit.

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:14

      Yeah.

   3. JDJoey Diaz30:14

      And then move up in that system until you get to that level, the Secret Service. There's no way you're gonna be a Se- they put you through Secret Service training school and you're there in 60 fucking days. Let me tell you something. I go... My daughter goes to science camp, you know, whatever the fuck, until pre-K starts. And one of the kids she goes with, his dad's an FBI agent. So you know what my job is every day?... to sneak up on him. Every day I sneak up on him and put a gun to his side. And I go, "What's going on?" And I pat him in the back. And he giggles and shit, and I tell my wife every day, "He's the worst FBI agent I've ever seen in my life 'cause I'm 280 and I'm tiptoeing up to him and he don't even hear me in bushes and nothing like that. That's how good I am." Do you know why, dog? Because they hire them right out of an academy today, Joe Rogan, right out of college. That's why we have so many shootings. That's why we have so many accidents out there with police officers. They don't hire neighborhood kids anymore. They hire college graduates that have never had what we had. See, when you were growing up, if all else failed, you've never been arrested in your life, you really could've been a cop. You're a nice guy, but you really could've been Joe the cop. You could've been Joe the cop in Quincy, Mass that drives around in shit like that.

   4. JRJoe Rogan31:36

      Sure, anybody could be.

   5. JDJoey Diaz31:37

      Anybody could be a cop.

   6. JRJoe Rogan31:38

      It's... Mm-hmm.

   7. JDJoey Diaz31:38

      But Joe the cop would've been different. If Joe the cop would've came in here and seen me and Jamie argue, Joe the cop wouldn't arrest me and Jamie. Joe the cop would say, "I want to meet you motherfuckers tomorrow at 3:00." And he would give us both boxing gloves and we would box it out when we were 12 and both go home and get ice cream the next day. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us both in jail. Joe the cop wouldn't throw us against the wall and if we turned around he'd shoot one of us in the fucking leg. He was part of the community, Joe the cop, and Joe the cop knew what it was like living in that community as a child.

   8. JRJoe Rogan32:13

      Right.

   9. JDJoey Diaz32:13

      Do you understand me?

   10. JRJoe Rogan32:14

       Right.

   11. JDJoey Diaz32:15

       So... And I didn't know this. I'd been thinking about... a lot about this and I ran into somebody and I asked them, an ex-cop, "Why are we having the situations we're having in this country?" The one last week in fucking East Pittsburgh is just mind-blowing. That motherfucker just... Now, there's a lot of different angles for that. They had just finished doing a shootout, but the kid took off. This cop watched him, said, "Okay," got down, dropped down military style and blast him three times.

   12. JRJoe Rogan32:45

       Ugh.

   13. JDJoey Diaz32:46

       Shoot me in the leg, bitch. Shoot me in the leg for running away. That's what Joe the cop would do.

   14. JRJoe Rogan32:52

       Yeah, but even shooting someone in the leg running away-

   15. JDJoey Diaz32:54

       Sho-

   16. JRJoe Rogan32:54

       What... yo- it's got to be something that they did that's really fucked up.

   17. JDJoey Diaz32:57

       Well, listen, I believe in shooting-

   18. JRJoe Rogan32:58

       Shooting someone in the leg-

   19. JDJoey Diaz32:59

       ... someone in the leg.

   20. JRJoe Rogan32:59

       ... if they stole a car-

   21. JDJoey Diaz33:00

       I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your fucking life.

   22. JRJoe Rogan33:02

       I hear you.

   23. JDJoey Diaz33:03

       I'd rather shoot you in the leg than take your life if it's an iffy call.

   24. JRJoe Rogan33:07

       Ju... but just so... so you know, y- it's not safe to shoot someone in the leg. People die from getting shot in the leg. There's a-

   25. JDJoey Diaz33:12

       How about I shot you in the fucking ankle?

   26. JRJoe Rogan33:14

       No. Okay, but I'm just saying-

   27. JDJoey Diaz33:15

       How about I shoot you in the wrists?

   28. JRJoe Rogan33:17

       It's just... I don't want to give anybody the impression-

   29. JDJoey Diaz33:19

       How many-

   30. JRJoe Rogan33:19

       ... they can just go around shooting people in the leg.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Oh, my God. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz45:00

      kids he had. Remember all those-

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:01

      Oh, my God.

   3. JDJoey Diaz45:01

      All those poor kids that fucking... God rest their souls dengan- all those problems he had. He was down there, like, fucking just Matadoring. Whoever, Paramount or whoever the network was showed up down there and said, "Let's see the dailies," and said, "What the fuck is this? You're done." They brought somebody else in. Marlon ended up saying, "Fuck it, I'll buy the island." (claps) He bought the island, didn't he? Like, this is just crazy shit I heard over the years.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:28

      Yeah.

   5. JDJoey Diaz45:28

      And they just lived on the island. And then if they wanted him, they had to call the island and they had, like, levels. "Oh, you want me to read the script? That's gonna cost you $80." "Oh, you want me to come to the studio? That's $300,000." Like, he had levels of fucking and they would give it to him. They would... And then they didn't want him for The Godfather. They were like, "No, there's no way we want that fucking guy."

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:49

      Wow.

   7. JDJoey Diaz45:50

      And then finally, he put the tape in his mouth and all that shit and they approved him and he did a... Bro, that movie is like a porn, the one he did, That Last Tango in Paris.

   8. JRJoe Rogan46:01

      Is it?

   9. JDJoey Diaz46:02

      That's like a light porn. And then the chick came out years later and said, "That motherfucker stone-cold raped me." (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan46:09

       Really?

   11. JDJoey Diaz46:10

       Yeah, he was the king of MeToo. He invented MeToo, that motherfucker, dog.

   12. JRJoe Rogan46:16

       Wow.

   13. JDJoey Diaz46:17

       Yeah, she came out years later and said something about that he, she didn't know, what, wh-

   14. JRJoe Rogan46:22

       (sighs)

   15. JDJoey Diaz46:22

       Marlon Brando went in there l- and choked her out like McQueen in fucking, uh, in The Getaway. She thought she was just getting pushed.

   16. JRJoe Rogan46:32

       Yeah, the McQueen and who was it with? What was it-

   17. JDJoey Diaz46:34

       Ali MacGraw.

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:35

       ... Ali MacGraw. That was hard to watch, dude, 'cause you could tell that was real. There's no way that wasn't real. Like, he was really hitting her. That would hurt.

   19. JDJoey Diaz46:43

       Yeah. No, no, no. He was a method actor. (laughs) He didn't give a fuck.

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:47

       Dude-

   21. JDJoey Diaz46:47

       He just-

   22. JRJoe Rogan46:47

       ... that is harsh, man.

   23. JDJoey Diaz46:48

       He's crazy.

   24. JRJoe Rogan46:49

       That... But that-

   25. JDJoey Diaz46:49

       He was crazy.

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:50

       ... that scene was so real because of it. I mean, it's awful to watch, but, but it's real, right?

   27. JDJoey Diaz47:00

       It's real.

   28. JRJoe Rogan47:00

       I mean, it's, it's an awful scene.

   29. JDJoey Diaz47:02

       It's real.

   30. JRJoe Rogan47:03

       Fuck, man. I- imagine being her and all of a sudden, the dude just starts smacking you in the head for real and you don't know what to do and you don't want to bail out of the scene. You're getting fucked up, though. He's fucking you up. Wow.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:15:00

   Mm-hmm. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz1:00:00

      I would steal the change and bring it downstairs and I would look at the s- the poorer kids and I'd go, "Come here for a second. You want a quarter?" And they would go, "Yeah, we'll get a quarter." And I would take a quarter and throw it. When Mr. Martini lived-

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JDJoey Diaz1:00:12

      ... he lived, like, in a basement area, uh, he ran the whole b-... He'd be right there and he'd chase us. We'd go, "Mr. Martini, suck my weenie." And he'd fucking chase us. (laughs)

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:23

      (laughs) Oh, Jesus Christ.

   5. JDJoey Diaz1:00:23

      And Doug and Du- ... Dougie, Chase us. (laughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:25

      Oh my god.

   7. JDJoey Diaz1:00:26

      And if he caught you, he would fucking hit you like 50 times. But we fucked him up. We would fuck him up. Dog, I saw some shit the first day in... Like, New Jersey to me was a completely... that was like Mars to most people. Like, most people listen to me and go, "You, you grew up some place that doesn't exist." I'll bring eight people to fill these chairs to tell you about their parents and the people and the situations.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:52

      Yeah.

   9. JDJoey Diaz1:00:52

      But the first day I went out in my hometown of North Bergen, I saw me and Joe Rogan fight-And even though I had Joe Rogan on his back, I saw Joe Rogan's father come down the stairs, pull me off Joe Rogan, smack me, punch me, kick me, throw me on the floor, and make his kid go in. That was my first experience ever in North Bergen, New Jersey. I saw Milli- Mr. Robson come downstairs. He took Anthony off his son, threw him off, smacked him in the fucking face, Joe Rogan, at 2:30 to fucking noon-

   10. SPSpeaker1:01:27

       Ooh.

   11. JDJoey Diaz1:01:27

       ... in 90-degree heat. Punched him in the stomach and told him to "Go home, you little Guinea fuck." "Go home, you little Guinea fuck," say that now, they'll throw you in jail for two years. He told him, "Go home, you little Guinea fuck," and Anthony looked at him crying a little bit. He picked up his shirt, he went like this, like he took the thing off, and he goes, "I'm calling my fucking father. You're fucking dead, motherfucker."

   12. SPSpeaker1:01:50

       Oh, Jesus.

   13. JDJoey Diaz1:01:50

       "Call your fucking Guinea fucking greaseball father. Go ahead, I dare you. He's probably a greaseball just like you." And I'm sitting there going-

   14. SPSpeaker1:01:58

       Oh.

   15. JDJoey Diaz1:01:58

       ... "I wanna see how this plays out."

   16. SPSpeaker1:02:01

       (sighs)

   17. JDJoey Diaz1:02:02

       And next thing you know, two cop cars pull up. And it's one cop car that's unmarked, and it's another one that's marked. And it's a big fucking Italian-looking detective, like, you know, the, the short, stumpy Italian?

   18. SPSpeaker1:02:14

       Mm-hmm.

   19. JDJoey Diaz1:02:14

       And he comes out of his car, he puts his fucking jacket on, it barely fits. But till this day, I remember the mortadells he had on his hand. And he goes, "What the fuck is going on here, kids?" And the little Italian kid comes running, he goes, "Mr... The fucking Mr. Robson came down here and he fucking smacked me in the face. These are my witnesses, tell him. Then he fucking hit me." And I'm sitting there going, "Oh, this is gonna get fucking good."

   20. SPSpeaker1:02:36

       (laughs)

   21. JDJoey Diaz1:02:37

       And the next thing you know, the, the fucking cop, the detective tells the cop, "Go look around, see if there's tickets. Go spread tickets." And he goes, "Where does this guy live?" And he (inaudible) and he goes, and he grabbed all the other kids and he goes, "Tell me what happened." And he goes, "Anthony and him were fighting, and he came down here and he fucking pulled him." And now, this time they know that c- the cops are there. And Mr. Robson like kinda opened his door to be kinda tough. Like, "He's not coming up here. He's gonna know I'm gonna fucking knock him out too." And the cop goes, "Okay, okay, okay," and he grabbed the kid and he goes, "You're okay, right?" "Ugh, yeah." And he goes, "He just hit me in the face," and he fucking walked up the stairs, bro, took him five minutes, got to the top thing. (knocking) Guy opened the fucking door, it was Joe Rogan, this guy put his hand in, pulled him out, fucking put him against the fucking thing on the second floor with everybody out, and just started punching him.

   22. SPSpeaker1:03:35

       Ugh.

   23. JDJoey Diaz1:03:36

       Punching him, punching him like fucking Jon Jones, when he's got you down, he's hitting you with those shots to the head, until the guy keeled over, and then he started kicking him with the fucking thing. Bam, bam, bam.

   24. SPSpeaker1:03:52

       Ugh.

   25. JDJoey Diaz1:03:52

       And then at the end he goes, "Don't you ever fucking hit my son again. Let's get out of here."

   26. SPSpeaker1:03:56

       Ugh.

   27. JDJoey Diaz1:03:56

       And that was how I became friends with the family.

   28. SPSpeaker1:03:59

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz1:04:00

       Because soon as he came down, he goes, "Who's this kid?" And he goes, "He's the spic kid, he's the only one that jumped in." And he goes, "You wanna come home for dinner?" And that was the beginning of my life-

   30. SPSpeaker1:04:09

       (laughs)
6. 1:15:00 – 1:16:48

   Our brother just had…

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:15:00

      and knees and shit.

   2. JDJoey Diaz1:15:01

      Our brother just had sh- shoulder surgery.

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:15:04

      Eddie Bravo.

   4. JDJoey Diaz1:15:04

      Yeah, he just got the stitches out.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:15:06

      This is his second surgery that he's had just this year. You know? He had, um, he had knee surgery real recently. Like, a few months ago, right? Didn't he have his meniscus done a few months ago?

   6. JDJoey Diaz1:15:18

      Yes.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:15:18

      Yeah.

   8. JDJoey Diaz1:15:18

      This generation of jujitsu guys is learning a lot and they're learning what they're gonna pass on to the next generation is that it's great to roll and the leg locks are great and all that is great, but there's another aspect to this. This was called yoga and keeping your muscles strong and-

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:15:35

      Yeah.

   10. JDJoey Diaz1:15:35

       ... and the conditioning has to be good and your, uh, you know-

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:15:39

       It's also just-

   12. JDJoey Diaz1:15:40

       ... you have to take care of yourself.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:15:40

       ... wear and tear.

   14. JDJoey Diaz1:15:41

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:15:41

       It's just-

   16. JDJoey Diaz1:15:42

       You have to take care of yourself. A li- ... These, these, these guys didn't know. You didn't know.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:15:45

       No.

   18. JDJoey Diaz1:15:45

       You didn't know. You don't know about-

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:15:46

       Well, it took me a while to learn.

   20. JDJoey Diaz1:15:47

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:15:48

       But the, the reality of jujitsu is it's a thing that as you get older, you have to be much more careful who you train with and how you train. You can't just go balls to the wall like you could when you were 27. You have to keep your shit together. And, you know, injuries are real. You can't just work through 'em. Like, that was a big fallacy. People would get hurt and they would try to roll light. Nobody ever rolls light. They always say they're gonna roll light and then the guy almost gets you and then you're trying to get him. Next thing you know, you're defending and it's a fucking serious, heated up roll session, which is great. But then you're like, "Ah." Like, your neck's all fucked up and you go, "All right, next guy. I'm just gonna lay on my back and work my half guard." (laughs) Bullshit. As soon as it starts getting hot and heavy, you almost got caught in an arm bar, then you try to pop up and then you try to pass his guard and then you get into it. You know, it's, uh, it's a thing that's too exciting, you know? And jujitsu, uh ... And when I say, like, rolling hard, I don't mean, like, uh, uh, uh, not even a real high level match.

Episode duration: 3:22:38