Joe Rogan Experience #1144 - Doug Stanhope

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   Boom, we're live. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:01

      Boom, we're live.

   2. DSDoug Stanhope0:02

      Here we go.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:03

      Douglas Stanhope smoking cigarettes.

   4. DSDoug Stanhope0:05

      I was... I, I, I-

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Let's test our fan.

   6. DSDoug Stanhope0:07

      ... swore that, uh, you know what? I'm j- I'm gonna smoke outside this time. Last time I stunk this place up so badly.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      It wasn't bad at all.

   8. DSDoug Stanhope0:15

      Yeah. No, afterwards, y- y- 'cause you kept saying, "No, I get this whole system now. It's not like the old place."

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:21

      Well, it's definitely dissipating. It's definitely dissipating. I see the smoke getting sucked away. I think we're okay.

   10. DSDoug Stanhope0:25

       But I remember at the end last time, like, yeah, that didn't work as good as I thought (laughs) it was gonna. You really wreaked this place up, which I did.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:32

       Well, it's not perfect. You know? You're always getting-

   12. DSDoug Stanhope0:34

       Oh.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:34

       ... cigarettes, you know?

   14. DSDoug Stanhope0:37

       Douglas.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       Where do you get that jacket?

   16. DSDoug Stanhope0:38

       Sugar-free fucking creamer.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       Is that sugar-free? Is it?

   18. DSDoug Stanhope0:43

       Yeah, sugar-free.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:43

       That can't be good for you.

   20. DSDoug Stanhope0:44

       Well, I, uh, now I'm gonna put a splash of whiskey in it just to hopefully kill the aspartame taste.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:51

       (clears throat) Kill the effects? Um-

   22. DSDoug Stanhope0:54

       Fuck it. Uh, b- by the way, I s- I, I said (laughs) th- I, I occasionally say this on stage even when there's no joke, but when I'm just angry about it, stevia is an artificial sweetener and it's a big scam where you s- uh, there's, "No artificial sweeteners," 'cause you hate getting that fucking aspartame taste.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:13

       Right.

   24. DSDoug Stanhope1:13

       And then they... But then they have stevia in it because it's natural and it still tastes like shit. So you're thinking, "Oh, good. It's no artificial in, uh, uh, sweeteners. That means it's not... Oh, it still tastes like shit, but it's n- it's natural shit."

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:28

       Have you ever had Zevia soda?

   26. DSDoug Stanhope1:31

       No, but I'm assuming-

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:32

       They nailed it.

   28. DSDoug Stanhope1:32

       ... it's stevia.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:32

       Yeah, but they nailed it. They figured it out. They really did. It's good.

   30. DSDoug Stanhope1:36

       Yeah.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   (laughs) …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      said, um, uh, "I'm the 1%. Ask me," uh, "Ask me anything." Is that what he said? Something like that?

   2. DSDoug Stanhope15:06

      (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:06

      Something like ... So he went to Occupy Wall Street and set up a, a thing. It was just talking to people about uh, economics. Like, "No, no, no. This is how you think it works. This is how it really works." But this is what I realized talking to people like that, there's no fucking way you could be on the ball with all this stuff. With Congress and the Senate and all of the stuff that goes on behind the scenes, and the lobbyists. You would have to be fully immersed in it. You would have to be fully immersed in it, and then fully immersed in the stock market to have any kind of an argument one way or another. And most people are just having these half-assed, half-cocked, shitty thought-out arguments about almost everything they talk about, including me.

   4. DSDoug Stanhope15:46

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:46

      I mean, including ... (laughs) Especially on this podcast many, many times. But this is something that we, uh, l- it's standard. There's too much shit to know. There's too much fucking ... When it comes to like politics, like you pretend you understand politics. Like, how long have they been trying to unravel this Russia thing? Like, a year?

   6. DSDoug Stanhope16:04

      I've tuned out completely. I know I don't know and I don't care enough to try to learn. I, I, I got to a place ... I went through a period of, you know, like back in our conspiracy theory days.

   7. JRJoe Rogan16:17

      (laughs)

   8. DSDoug Stanhope16:17

      And then, I, I, I learned a little bit but, uh, anything that's ... I really don't know how government works.

   9. JRJoe Rogan16:24

      It's, ugh, it's so hard to know. It's so hard to know. It's-

   10. DSDoug Stanhope16:28

       But I mean, just, uh, elementary school fucking, you know, the, the, you know, "I'm just a bill on Capital Hill."

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:35

       Right.

   12. DSDoug Stanhope16:35

       I still don't even know what that fucking meant.

   13. JRJoe Rogan16:37

       (laughs)

   14. DSDoug Stanhope16:37

       So I wanna, I gotta stop talking about shit I don't know.

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:39

       And you're probably paying attention to it more than most people. Most people-

   16. DSDoug Stanhope16:42

       I was for a minute.

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:43

       Yeah. Well, most people, the, the president or anybody just represents what they like. Like, "I like a nice guy. Oh, I like a no-bullshit guy." Okay, and then you just find whoever best fits that mold-

   18. DSDoug Stanhope16:57

       It's, it's a-

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:58

       ... and you support 'em.

   20. DSDoug Stanhope16:58

       ... it's a class president.

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:59

       Yeah.

   22. DSDoug Stanhope16:59

       Who's the most popular?

   23. JRJoe Rogan17:00

       Yeah. It's fascinating though. It's-

   24. DSDoug Stanhope17:04

       I, yeah, I think if, uh, um, Trump was any Republican that wasn't a, a fucking asshole but stood for the same principles, there would be no outrage. They hate his personality first, which (laughs) the, the ... I'm not against you.

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:21

       Yeah.

   26. DSDoug Stanhope17:22

       Yeah, he's a fucking loser but he's the one you created. We were just talking about, uh, and I, uh, I mentioned it on stage here and again that I, uh, Trump makes me happy sometimes in that he's a product of everything. Like, uh, what's that lev-yon ball, that fucking like basketball dad?

   27. JRJoe Rogan17:43

       Oh, yeah.

   28. DSDoug Stanhope17:43

       Like, he's famous just 'cause he's a fucking asshole and he knows, "Hey, if I keep being a fucking asshole, the more I'm gonna get noticed." And Ann Coulter-

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:53

       Mm-hmm.

   30. DSDoug Stanhope17:53

       ... who just says ... Or Tom Lycus or The Noog. We were just-
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   It, it- …

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      of that, he got so lumped into, um, this alt-right idea that, "Oh, he's the guy who hates transgender people." It's just like we were talking about like people running for president. You don't really get to see who the real person is. You get to see this surface, "Oh, he's the no-nonsense guy, I'll take him." And that's what they do with him. I go, "He's the guy who hates transgender folks."

   2. DSDoug Stanhope30:20

      It, it-

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:20

      He doesn't at all.

   4. DSDoug Stanhope30:21

      ... if, if you really wanted to, like-... you would never know a- a- a candidate's true intentions if they were a- a good candidate. If they were a crafty politician, they would, I would go out and say, "Whatever the fuck..." If, you know, if it worked for Trump, "I'll do it better."

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:38

      (laughs)

   6. DSDoug Stanhope30:38

      And I'll say shit like that and then-

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:39

      Right.

   8. DSDoug Stanhope30:39

      ... I'll just be lying.

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:41

      Right.

   10. DSDoug Stanhope30:41

       Like, uh, "I'm gonna deport everyone."

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:44

       (laughs)

   12. DSDoug Stanhope30:44

       Fucking, it's, Holocaust three, whatever they wanna hear. And then you go and you go, "I was just kidding." And then you do the right thing.

   13. JRJoe Rogan30:50

       Yeah.

   14. DSDoug Stanhope30:51

       I was kinda hoping Trump would d- I think you could manipulate his ego to a point where he, you, you could get him to do your bidding just by saying, "Oh, you're getting good numbers by doing this and they, the left hates this. So yeah, you should legalize marijuana." And he would, he wouldn't need logic, he'd just need to have his ego fed and he'd do all the right things.

   15. JRJoe Rogan31:13

       I think that's one he's holding in his back pocket, the legalize marijuana. I think as we get closer to- to the election, I think he makes marijuana federally legal. (coughs) And I think if he does that, the stoners just fucking raise their arms in the air and they go, "Fuck it, I'm going with Trump. Do you just know how much that'll change the world? Just that."

   16. DSDoug Stanhope31:33

       (coughs) And they still won't vote. (laughs)

   17. JRJoe Rogan31:34

       Yeah, they still won't vote.

   18. DSDoug Stanhope31:35

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan31:36

       I know a lot of people complained who didn't vote. It's like, ooh. (coughs)

   20. DSDoug Stanhope31:42

       Well, I don't, I don't think I voted. I know I was, I was, you know, no I did because I, it was, yeah-

   21. JRJoe Rogan31:50

       You should be able to vote online.

   22. DSDoug Stanhope31:52

       ... I had to vote for mayor.

   23. JRJoe Rogan31:52

       Should be able to vote online. Should be very simple. Should be a- a thing you fill out with your Social Security card number, you use a face ID thing from a fucking laptop. You could do it on your phone.

   24. DSDoug Stanhope32:02

       You fucking call an 800 number-

   25. JRJoe Rogan32:04

       You could do it, yeah.

   26. DSDoug Stanhope32:04

       ... like American Idol. You can only (laughs) you can only...

   27. JRJoe Rogan32:06

       Well, that's, you know.

   28. DSDoug Stanhope32:08

       (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan32:08

       I think it'd be nice if you, you knew for sure. And the, it's, most people have a- a laptop with a camera on it or a webcam or somewhere. They're not hard. You get a USB web camera. They're cheap. They're pretty cheap now. And you just do that, and you fucking vote that way. That wouldn't be hard to do. They should, they'd be able to come up with software that could read your face, know if it's you. A lot of, a lot of laptops even have fingerprint sensors now. You could fucking vote online. They don't want you to. It's too, they want it as difficult and confusing as possible.

   30. DSDoug Stanhope32:39

       Yeah.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   (laughs) And where were…

   1. DSDoug Stanhope45:00

      just 'cause I was bored, like Muslim prayer robes on stage. (laughs)

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:03

      (laughs) And where were you getting these, uh, ridiculous suits?

   3. DSDoug Stanhope45:05

      Well, I got this, uh, my, uh, neighbor, Evelyn, found this great, old plaid vintage, like, uh, '70s sport coat, and I just happened to find a pair of yellow pants that matched it perfectly.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:18

      Wow.

   5. DSDoug Stanhope45:19

      And then I get, uh, so then I'd start, like, really looking for, when it, when I could put a whole suit together, and I like, "All right." And then I realized white shoes go with everything.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:28

      (laughs)

   7. DSDoug Stanhope45:29

      So white loafers. So then I just, e- every, that's all we do w- when we're driving on the road, the only interests I have are, we hit all the thrift stores in, in the town and, uh, try to find good sushi, and that's it.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:43

      (laughs)

   9. DSDoug Stanhope45:43

      Don't go to a fucking museum.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:44

       So you look for wacky clothes to try on. Yeah, you, you don't know who's clothes-

   11. DSDoug Stanhope45:49

       And now I have a closet that, like, that's why I, I do these eBay yard sales every couple years, and I sell all the suits I'm tired of, 'cause my closet is fucking buckling.

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:58

       Wow. (laughs) What a weird thing to collect.

   13. DSDoug Stanhope46:01

       Get on the mailing list. I'll be, yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan46:03

       He-

   15. DSDoug Stanhope46:03

       And o- other, like, y- you've been doing this as long as I have. You get a cool poster, like-

   16. JRJoe Rogan46:10

       Yeah.

   17. DSDoug Stanhope46:11

       ... you know, a tour poster, and you go, "I, I like that." But aft- as the years go on, you're just building up clutter in your cr- crawl space, and-

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:19

       Yeah.

   19. DSDoug Stanhope46:19

       ... you can only have so many pictures of yourself around. Fans'll send me artwork, like, you know, portraits they did of me, and I'm like, "What, what, what am gonna put up more pictures of me in my house?"

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:30

       Ah! (laughs)

   21. DSDoug Stanhope46:30

       Like, company comes over, and it's just some fucking museum of you?

   22. JRJoe Rogan46:35

       That's why you gotta buy the house near the landing strip. Just turn it into the Doug Stanhope-

   23. DSDoug Stanhope46:40

       It's-

   24. JRJoe Rogan46:40

       ... Resort.

   25. DSDoug Stanhope46:40

       Well, I sell the shit.

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:41

       (laughs)

   27. DSDoug Stanhope46:41

       We do eBay yard sales, and yeah, a fan would like that-

   28. JRJoe Rogan46:45

       Yeah.

   29. DSDoug Stanhope46:45

       ... in their house.

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:46

       That's a good move.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:13:36

   Well, I'm in Salt…

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      you are." I said, "You just tell me when and we'll do it." And then we were trying to figure out-

   2. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:04

      Well, I'm in Salt Lake City-

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      Yeah.

   4. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:05

      ... at my mother's house.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:07

      Yeah, there was a little bit of that. And then, you know, she's just trying to figure out when's the right time. But she said she wants to do her own YouTube channel and she's, she's upset at everybody. And, and I felt like, you know, she's... There's a lot of merit in what she's saying, you know. I really do think she got fucked over. I think, uh, I really do think she made a joke about a woman that she didn't know was Black. And a woman who's, I think she's only one-eighth Black, right? Is that what she is?

   6. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:34

      Oh, yeah, I saw the picture and I went-

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:36

      Yeah.

   8. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:36

      ... "Oh, I get it now."

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:37

      Yeah. She does not-

   10. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:38

       Because I talked to her-

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:38

       Yeah.

   12. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:38

       ... on the phone afterwards where she goes... Uh, she was asking me for advice and she said, "I, I really fucked up and I, I honestly didn't think she was Black." And then she goes, "Did you ever do Ambien?" I go, "That's exactly why I stopped doing Ambien." And I'm sure that's why she tweeted that where I'm like-

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:59

       Yeah.

   14. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:59

       ... "Just talk about this on Rogan because Rogan spends time, you can explain stu- Stop fucking tweeting."

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:01:06

       Yeah.

   16. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:06

       And that-... Tweet where she goes, "Well, I did take an Ambien." Well, yeah, you drink on Ambien and you're fucked. And I can tell you a million stories of normal people, like fucking, you know, Judy Brown-

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:01:18

       Mm-hmm.

   18. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:18

       ... her husband, Steve Marmell, almost had a plane grounded because he, on a flight, he took an Ambien and had a couple of bourbons, and then just started going fucking batshit, has no recollection of it.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:01:31

       Ugh.

   20. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:32

       And I've done stuff that was, uh, like, minor, where I just had a very lucid business conversation with Hennigan after I'd taken an Ambien on my, like a light night of drinking for me, which six or seven beers, and I went to bed, and then I get, got up 15 minutes later and went out and had this very lucid business conversation that I don't remember at all. And I brought it up to him the next day, something we were gonna talk about. He goes, "We talked about this last night." I go, "No, we didn't."

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:02:01

       Yeah.

   22. DSDoug Stanhope1:02:01

       He's like, "Yes, you came out." I go, "No, I went to bed."

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:02:03

       (laughs)

   24. DSDoug Stanhope1:02:03

       He goes, "Yes, but you came out shortly after. You seemed very, (laughs) like, completely normal."

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:02:10

       Wow. Kevin James, uh, uh, he made dinner. He, uh, went downstairs, made his own dinner, cooked it, ate it, went back to bed, got up in the morning, and was like, "Who the fuck cooked?"

   26. DSDoug Stanhope1:02:25

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:02:25

       And then they were, they were like, "You did." He's like, "No, I didn't." He goes like, "No, yeah, you did. Look, here, you threw this away. Like, you, you cooked this." Like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

   28. DSDoug Stanhope1:02:32

       Renee's brother, you remember my ex Renee?

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:02:34

       Mm-hmm.

   30. DSDoug Stanhope1:02:35

       Her brother and his buddy took some Ambiens, had a f- you know, minor amounts of cocktails, woke up on a lawn in a neighborhood they didn't know where they were.

Episode duration: 2:44:22