Joe Rogan Experience #1146 - Jeff Garlin

Joe Rogan 0:03 Three, two, one. Hello, Jeffrey.

Jeff Garlin 0:06 Hello, Joe.

Joe Rogan 0:08 How you doing, man?

Jeff Garlin 0:09 I'm, uh, young and handsome.

Joe Rogan 0:10 You are young and handsome.

Jeff Garlin 0:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:12 Yes. We all are, uh, if we're not dead.

Jeff Garlin 0:14 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 0:15 I don't know what that means.

Jeff Garlin 0:17 It's all good.

Joe Rogan 0:17 I'm all jet-lagged.

Jeff Garlin 0:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:19 What's cracking? How are you?

Jeff Garlin 0:21 I'm, uh, a big bowl of wonderful.

Joe Rogan 0:24 You're a big bowl?

Jeff Garlin 0:25 A big bowl. A fucking huge bowl of wonderful.

Joe Rogan 0:28 You're aggressive with that statement.

Jeff Garlin 0:30 I am.

Joe Rogan 0:30 I believe you.

Jeff Garlin 0:31 I am. Yeah, don't doubt me with wonderful-ness.

Joe Rogan 0:34 I don't. I don't doubt you.

Jeff Garlin 0:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:36 It's good to see you, man.

Jeff Garlin 0:37 Good to see you, too.

Joe Rogan 0:38 (laughs) What's the latest?

Jeff Garlin 0:39 What is the latest? Uh, about to start another season of The Goldbergs, another season of Curb after that.

Joe Rogan 0:46 Do you enjoy wa- working with the, the f- fabulous Bryan Callen?

Jeff Garlin 0:49 I love working with Bryan Callen. He makes me laugh all the time.

Joe Rogan 0:52 He's here later.

Jeff Garlin 0:53 Oh, he is?

Joe Rogan 0:53 He's gonna be here at, uh, two o'clock. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 0:55 Oh, so then I'll see him.

Joe Rogan 0:56 Or three, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 0:57 Oh, maybe not. But anyhow, point being is, I dig Bryan Callen very much.

Joe Rogan 1:02 He likes you, too.

Jeff Garlin 1:02 Yeah, that's cool.

Joe Rogan 1:05 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:05 That's cool, man.

Joe Rogan 1:06 What's the latest, uh, with the, the standup career?

Jeff Garlin 1:09 Uh...

Joe Rogan 1:09 I see you around the store a lot.

Jeff Garlin 1:11 Uh, at the store on occasion. I don't do the store that much anymore because I've stopped doing showcase spots for the most part. I just do... I have a regular show every Friday night at the Improv, in the Lab, and I do, you know, an hour, hour and 10 minutes. And then occasionally I do Flappers, which is a horrible name, y- in Burbank, but it's a lit-

Joe Rogan 1:31 Great little club.

Jeff Garlin 1:32 But a great room. A great room.

Joe Rogan 1:35 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 1:35 And I do there on occasion, on Sunday nights. So I do an hour. Uh, going out of the house for 15, 20 minutes, not worth my time.

Joe Rogan 1:45 Does it, um... Do you... When you do like an hour set, do you plan your sets out or do you have like some material that you like to be working on, and is that why you like the freedom of having an hour so you can just kind of fuck around-

Jeff Garlin 1:57 I have no preparation whatsoever.

Joe Rogan 1:59 ... and be loose? (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:59 Except I may think, "Oh, I'll talk about that tonight." But I have no preparation. I may bring up a story I've told before, but I have no idea. Literally when I step on stage, I have no idea what I'm gonna talk about. What does help me, what I've done for quite a while now is, I come up to a different song every time I come up. And then I just talk about that song, uh, the story of the making of that song, who sang that song, what that song means to me, and that will usually lead me to something. That's all I need.

Joe Rogan 2:29 Yeah. The reason why I ask is you have a very unusual style.

Jeff Garlin 2:32 Yes.

Joe Rogan 2:32 Like I've, I've seen you a bunch of times at the store.

Jeff Garlin 2:34 Yes, I'm very unusual. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:35 You're very loose, you know?

Jeff Garlin 2:36 Yeah, very loose.

Joe Rogan 2:36 But it's, it's a great thing-

Jeff Garlin 2:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:37 ... 'cause you have the confidence to do that.

Jeff Garlin 2:39 Yes.

Joe Rogan 2:39 Like, a lot of people have to be like super rigid in their preparation and-

Jeff Garlin 2:42 Without a doubt, yes.

Joe Rogan 2:43 ... say things, set up punchline in the correct order every night.

Jeff Garlin 2:47 I'm only confident in the fact that I'm funny.

Joe Rogan 2:50 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 2:50 I am not confident in any other fact in terms of going on stage.

Joe Rogan 2:54 That's the most-

Jeff Garlin 2:54 So I don't... But it is the most important, and so I go up with the knowledge that no matter what goes down, I am funny and will be funny. Boom. Good night.

Joe Rogan 3:03 Boom. That's it.

Jeff Garlin 3:04 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:04 Good night.

Jeff Garlin 3:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:05 And are you doing the road at all?

Jeff Garlin 3:07 N- Hardly ever. When I do the road it's... I did London in December, did a couple weeks of shows. Uh-

Joe Rogan 3:13 A couple weeks?

Jeff Garlin 3:14 Yeah, a couple weeks at a theater there.

Joe Rogan 3:16 What theater did you go to?

Jeff Garlin 3:17 Soho Theater. It's a small, cool theater.

Joe Rogan 3:19 Is this like 500 seats or something?

Jeff Garlin 3:21 I don't even know. I don't even pay attention. How's that?

Joe Rogan 3:23 I feel like I've done that. I've done, uh, Leicester Square. I've done a couple different places there.

Jeff Garlin 3:28 Yeah, Leicester Square is good. Yeah, I, I just... I'll go to London, I go to New York on occasion and perform. I use... I've played everywhere. I've played everywhere from Indianapolis to Seattle to Miami, like, and all points in between, you know? Um, Tucson, uh, you know, Phoenix. (laughs) I mean, like all over.

Joe Rogan 3:50 Right.

Jeff Garlin 3:51 I've... I've done it. I'm, I'm 56 years old. I've got two TV shows. I develop a bunch of other stuff. I'm passionate about my standup. I get enough... I don't have to earn a living by going on the road, which I have had to in the past. So I stay home and do my standup when I can, which is every Friday-

Joe Rogan 4:10 That's a nice thing.

Jeff Garlin 4:10 ... for sure.

Joe Rogan 4:11 'Cause the thing that does get you-

Jeff Garlin 4:12 It's very nice and I've worked towards that, you know?

Joe Rogan 4:14 Yeah, that's a beautiful thing to work towards.

Jeff Garlin 4:15 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:15 'Cause the thing that does get you is that travel.

Jeff Garlin 4:18 Oh. You know, it we- Uh, the thing that no one understands is the only joy that you can possibly get when you travel is the moment when you're on stage. And if that's troublesome or not fun, it's a drag. It's depressing.

Joe Rogan 4:35 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 4:35 But those moments on stage, if they're great, it's all worth it.

Joe Rogan 4:40 Yeah. No, it's... The thing... Also, when you go on the road, if you have to do morning radio-

Jeff Garlin 4:45 Oh.

Joe Rogan 4:46 ... and you have to do those kind of things-

Jeff Garlin 4:46 Well, that's the thing.

Joe Rogan 4:47 ... it wrecks your health.

Jeff Garlin 4:48 'Cause you're... It, it, it screws up your time.

Joe Rogan 4:50 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 4:50 You know, what time you go to bed 'cause I, I like to set... I don't worry as much on a consistent basis what time I wake up, 'cause that'll automatic- be automatic. I, I try consistently to go to bed at the same time every night.

Joe Rogan 5:04 Hm.

Jeff Garlin 5:05 It's a different w- approach that, uh, uh, psychiatrists told me and it has worked wonders for me.

Joe Rogan 5:11 A psychiatrist told you?

Jeff Garlin 5:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:13 Hm.

Jeff Garlin 5:13 That it's be- Because everyone always focuses on waking up the same time every day.

Joe Rogan 5:18 Right.

Jeff Garlin 5:18 He said, "Focus on going to bed at the same time every night, and that'll be more productive for you." And I do that with a sort of a half hour bump to fall asleep, to maybe read for a minute, whatever. But I'm in bed usually by 10.

Joe Rogan 5:34 I've never gone to a psychiatrist, but, uh, one, one of the shows that I was on, I was like the only person on the set that didn't go to a psychiatrist.

Jeff Garlin 5:43 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 5:43 So I'm like, "Maybe I'm fucked up." (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 5:45 No. By the way, if you're functioning in the world, that's great. Congratulations. I have...... sometimes trouble functioning in the world.

Joe Rogan 5:56 How so?

Jeff Garlin 5:56 And, and, and a ... Well, it's like I find going on stage, I'm fearless. And I don't even like leaving my house. I prefer to stay home. I love napping. Oh-

Joe Rogan 6:09 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 6:09 ... do I love napping. If I could smoke some indica and take a nap every day. I do transcendental meditation. I do all the chill things at home and I leave to work. I don't like going to parties. I like a good dinner party 'cause that means I can have an actual conversation with someone.

Joe Rogan 6:27 Right.

Jeff Garlin 6:27 But I was just at a party the other night, a goodbye party for a friend of mine. It was at Jeff Ross's house. And I had the worst time. I lasted 20 minutes. The only people I could talk to were comedians. I, I, uh, there were a bunch of comedians-

Joe Rogan 6:40 Who else would be at Jeff Ross's party but comedians?

Jeff Garlin 6:43 Well, so- some people with man buns and a hot tub.

Joe Rogan 6:45 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 6:46 It was very unsettling and wrong. I wanted nothing to do with it. I said my goodbyes to my friend.

Joe Rogan 6:52 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 6:53 And, uh, uh, she's moving to Japan.

Joe Rogan 6:56 Oh, wow.

Jeff Garlin 6:56 So I, um, I, uh, said my goodbyes, but it was out of respect to her that I went. But out of respect to myself, I didn't stay long.

Joe Rogan 7:05 Man buns and a hot tub is never a good combination.

Jeff Garlin 7:07 Right. You see a man bun in a hot tub, you go, "I don't belong here."

Joe Rogan 7:09 It's over. It's over.

Jeff Garlin 7:09 "I don't belong here."

Joe Rogan 7:11 Yeah, you don't belong there.

Jeff Garlin 7:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:12 That can't be done.

Jeff Garlin 7:13 No, it's bad.

Joe Rogan 7:14 When did that start happening? When did the man buns start-

Jeff Garlin 7:16 Man buns, to me, like in a big way, a couple years ago.

Joe Rogan 7:20 It's like samurais and then there was a big drop off-

Jeff Garlin 7:22 Right.

Joe Rogan 7:22 ... for a long time. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 7:23 Samurais and then a big drop off. That's exactly it. I don't get it. I mean, why grow your hair long if you're gonna wear a man bun?

Joe Rogan 7:33 I think they like the idea.

Jeff Garlin 7:33 Either grow your hair long and dig it... Yeah, the idea of it, it's ridiculous. I was at a gas station in Studio City and I was seconds away from talking to this dude. He-

Joe Rogan 7:44 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 7:45 ... had a man bun that looked like a bird's nest with th- with a waterfall on the outside.

Joe Rogan 7:51 Mm.

Jeff Garlin 7:51 And I just went, "Why?"

Joe Rogan 7:53 Dude. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 7:53 I just wanted to ask him. I go, I'm being totally friendly, I wanna make this a conversation. "Why? Explain. I don't get it."

Joe Rogan 8:00 I feel like what it is, is just like they're, they're letting you know that this is me when I'm out, but when I'm at home and I'm feeling sexy, I just undo that and-

Jeff Garlin 8:09 Let it down. I don't know what it is.

Joe Rogan 8:11 I just relax and I unravel-

Jeff Garlin 8:13 It's a big baller wrong.

Joe Rogan 8:14 ... and I'm sexy.

Jeff Garlin 8:14 It's a big baller wrong. And no, you're not sexy.

Joe Rogan 8:16 Let it go, let it go down.

Jeff Garlin 8:17 You're douchey.

Joe Rogan 8:18 I'm feeling sexy.

Jeff Garlin 8:18 You're douchey.

Joe Rogan 8:20 How, what's the longest-

Jeff Garlin 8:20 I'm not gonna-

Joe Rogan 8:20 ... your hair's ever been?

Jeff Garlin 8:21 Mine? I had like a Jew fro type festival happening when I was younger, like longer, curlier.

Joe Rogan 8:26 Mm.

Jeff Garlin 8:26 But not like shoulder length.

Joe Rogan 8:28 Right.

Jeff Garlin 8:28 No. No. You know?

Joe Rogan 8:30 It's ridiculous.

Jeff Garlin 8:30 It's ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 8:31 (laughs) It's weird that hair grows that long only on your head.

Jeff Garlin 8:34 Right.

Joe Rogan 8:34 That's what's weird.

Jeff Garlin 8:35 By the way, if you're growing-

Joe Rogan 8:35 It's like hair grows better on your arm.

Jeff Garlin 8:37 If you're a rocker and you're growing like Robert Plant's-

Joe Rogan 8:39 Right.

Jeff Garlin 8:39 ... cool hair.

Joe Rogan 8:40 Oh, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 8:40 Like, go for it.

Joe Rogan 8:41 Right.

Jeff Garlin 8:41 Don't man bun it.

Joe Rogan 8:42 That's different.

Jeff Garlin 8:43 Go for it. I'm all for long hair.

Joe Rogan 8:45 Rockers have different rules.

Jeff Garlin 8:46 I saw a guy last night, a ba- in a band, a bass player, big man bun, big baller wrong.

Joe Rogan 8:52 You know what I'm uncomfortable with? A CEO haircut in a rock band.

Jeff Garlin 8:56 Oh.

Joe Rogan 8:56 What are you doing with that fucking button down, conservative haircut-

Jeff Garlin 9:00 See, I, I dig that.

Joe Rogan 9:00 ... playing in a band.

Jeff Garlin 9:01 I think playing against type is a big ball of delightful.

Joe Rogan 9:04 Nah. Not into it.

Jeff Garlin 9:06 Joe, we differ on this one.

Joe Rogan 9:07 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 9:08 We differ on this one.

Joe Rogan 9:10 We do.

Jeff Garlin 9:10 Yes.

Joe Rogan 9:10 We do.

Jeff Garlin 9:11 I think a group of men, like I thought David Bowie's band, Tin Machine, I didn't really dig their music, but I loved the look of all of them wearing the suits with the close-cropped hair.

Joe Rogan 9:21 Well, Bowie's so odd and so undeniably creative that he's-

Jeff Garlin 9:26 Right.

Joe Rogan 9:26 ... allowed to get away with anything he wanted.

Jeff Garlin 9:27 Well, he's allowed to do anything he wants.

Joe Rogan 9:28 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 9:28 But, but truthfully, if you have any sort of, uh, confidence, you can.

Joe Rogan 9:34 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 9:34 Except a man bun.

Joe Rogan 9:35 There it is right here.

Jeff Garlin 9:36 Yeah, there it is.

Joe Rogan 9:36 A history of-

Jeff Garlin 9:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:37 ... David Bowie's ... Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 9:38 But that dude should have cut his hair short, the one with the long hair.

Joe Rogan 9:41 Uh, maybe.

Jeff Garlin 9:42 All right.

Joe Rogan 9:42 But it's kind of John Travolta and Pulp Fiction-ish.

Jeff Garlin 9:45 No, there's ... He cut it short.

Joe Rogan 9:45 There he is in that one.

Jeff Garlin 9:46 The pressure from the other three guys-

Joe Rogan 9:48 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 9:48 ... got to be too much.

Joe Rogan 9:49 He got tired of buying shampoo and all that bullshit.

Jeff Garlin 9:51 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:52 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 9:53 Yeah. Yeah, the upkeep is ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 9:54 Yes, it's outrageous.

Jeff Garlin 9:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:56 Dudes who condition their hair and they have to leave it in for 10 minutes.

Jeff Garlin 9:59 Oh, that's a big ball of ... Come on, man.

Joe Rogan 10:00 Come on, bro.

Jeff Garlin 10:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:02 But for something- there's some reason why it is okay in a band, but it's not okay for a comic. Like a comic with long, like Led Zeppelin hair-

Jeff Garlin 10:11 Because you know what happens when a comic does that? Their whole act becomes about it and it's like, "Dude."

Joe Rogan 10:17 Mm.

Jeff Garlin 10:17 "That's just boring."

Joe Rogan 10:18 Do you remember Jackson Perdue?

Jeff Garlin 10:20 I do remember Jackson Perdue.

Joe Rogan 10:21 Crazy long hair.

Jeff Garlin 10:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:22 Like a band-

Jeff Garlin 10:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:23 ... guy.

Jeff Garlin 10:24 Yeah. A lot of material about his hair.

Joe Rogan 10:26 (laughs) He did have a lot of material about his hair.

Jeff Garlin 10:27 I know. I just, you know, I used it when I was younger, I went for the obvious. I did a lot of material about having a big head.

Joe Rogan 10:35 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 10:35 Now it's of no interest to me.

Joe Rogan 10:37 (laughs) You know, you couldn't also do like the Robert Plant shirt thing either.

Jeff Garlin 10:42 I have, I have a Robert Plant shirt. Not his.

Joe Rogan 10:45 But you could never like let it open down to your crotch.

Jeff Garlin 10:48 Uh, uh ... I think it's called Nurses Do It Better or Nurses ... Someone Nursing on it, it's powder blue. Uh, he wore it on one of the Zeppelin tours in the early '70s.

Joe Rogan 10:56 Ah.

Jeff Garlin 10:56 And I saw it for sale on Amazon and I bought one. It doesn't give off the same vibe.

Joe Rogan 11:01 Yeah, it's different with different-

Jeff Garlin 11:03 Man.

Joe Rogan 11:03 ... people, right?

Jeff Garlin 11:03 Yeah, but I always ... One of my non sequiturs to tell people all the time is, "You love the nursing industry."

Joe Rogan 11:09 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 11:09 I just say to people, "You know what you love? You love the nursing industry." I've said that to nurses even.

Joe Rogan 11:13 And what do they say?

Jeff Garlin 11:14 People just chuckle. They don't know how to make ... You know, it's a non sequitur.

Joe Rogan 11:17 They just think this guy's ... He's weird. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 11:18 Yeah, it's a non sequitur. They don't know, you know, non sequiturs throw people-

Joe Rogan 11:22 Nervous laughter.

Jeff Garlin 11:22 Yeah, nervous laughter.

Joe Rogan 11:23 There's a certain things, a certain looks that came and went and people tried to bring back. Like do you remember a few years back they were trying to bring back bell bottoms?

Jeff Garlin 11:32 No.

Joe Rogan 11:33 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 11:33 That's how much of a failure it was.

Joe Rogan 11:35 Bill Murray was actually photographed a couple of days ago at a golf course with some fabulous bell bottoms on.

Jeff Garlin 11:42 Oh, see that's delightful.

Joe Rogan 11:43 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 11:43 Because it's so wrong that it's beautiful and perfect. Bill Murray.

Joe Rogan 11:48 They're crazy too. Look at the picture.

Jeff Garlin 11:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:49 Look at them.

Jeff Garlin 11:50 Oh. See, that's a big ball ... He's so fun, that dude.

Joe Rogan 11:53 He's wonderful.

Jeff Garlin 11:54 He is just a ... He is so fun. Look at him.

Joe Rogan 11:57 Does he ... He lives in like South Carolina or something.

Jeff Garlin 11:59 He's living it up. Yeah. I think it's 'cause of his kids that's why.

Joe Rogan 12:01 Is that what it is?

Jeff Garlin 12:02 Yeah, I think it was a family thing.

Joe Rogan 12:04 Oh. He's a ... He, he's on-

Jeff Garlin 12:05 That's a beautiful shot.

Joe Rogan 12:07 ... Bourdain show, and, uh, Bourdain interviewed him in his small town where he lives. And it's like, wow, look at this guy just kinda hanging out, being normal. No girlfriend, no wife, just, just being himself now, just chilling.

Jeff Garlin 12:20 But you don't know that he doesn't have a girlfriend or-

Joe Rogan 12:22 He was talking about it.

Jeff Garlin 12:23 ... he was talking about it?

Joe Rogan 12:24 Yeah. I don't think he was talking about it on that show. He was talking about it in an interview.

Jeff Garlin 12:26 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:27 That he just doesn't want to do it anymore. Just leave me alone.

Jeff Garlin 12:30 Yeah. Yeah, leave me alone.

Joe Rogan 12:31 You know? Stop.

Jeff Garlin 12:31 It's delightful. That's why I like staying home.

Joe Rogan 12:34 It's nice.

Jeff Garlin 12:34 As a matter of fact, at the end of my shows, I, um, always thank the audience for actually leaving their homes to come see me because I know what an effort that is.

Joe Rogan 12:44 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 12:45 And I'm so appreciative of it.

Joe Rogan 12:46 So you're just a homebody-type character.

Jeff Garlin 12:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:50 Just so much.

Jeff Garlin 12:50 I mean, it's ... Well, you know, it's like-

Joe Rogan 12:51 Do you think?

Jeff Garlin 12:51 ... my life is extraordinary, so I wanna live an ordinary, as ordinary a life as I can.

Joe Rogan 12:58 Ah. That makes sense.

Jeff Garlin 12:58 You know, just calm.

Joe Rogan 13:00 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 13:00 It doesn't have to be ordinary.

Joe Rogan 13:01 Downtime.

Jeff Garlin 13:02 Down. You know, chilling, man.

Joe Rogan 13:03 Yeah. Yeah, you need that, right?

Jeff Garlin 13:04 Yeah. With the chaos of performing and-

Joe Rogan 13:06 And I don't ... And, and I'm not big-

Jeff Garlin 13:07 ... like, like tonight I'm going to an opening of a movie. My friend wrote it and, you know-

Joe Rogan 13:12 You gotta prepare yourself for it. Like, "Oh, here we go."

Jeff Garlin 13:14 No, no. I, I, I just, I'll be cool with it.

Joe Rogan 13:16 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 13:16 Like, if I know I'm doing it and why I'm doing it, I do it, you know? But if the movie sucks, I'll leave.

Joe Rogan 13:21 Long as it's not a Jeff Ross party.

Jeff Garlin 13:22 Whose party?

Joe Rogan 13:23 Jeff Ross's.

Jeff Garlin 13:24 Well, you know, I'd go to a dinner party if he had one again.

Joe Rogan 13:26 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 13:26 I'm, I'm done though with the Jeff Ross parties.

Joe Rogan 13:29 Jeff Ross has a lot of parties.

Jeff Garlin 13:30 But I lo- I know. I love Jeff Ross, but I-

Joe Rogan 13:32 I do too.

Jeff Garlin 13:33 But I am not going to any more of his parties.

Joe Rogan 13:35 (sighs) Tell him.

Jeff Garlin 13:36 I'll go by myself to his house.

Joe Rogan 13:38 Tell him now. Grab him.

Jeff Garlin 13:39 I definitely-

Joe Rogan 13:39 Put two hands on his shoulders, tell him you love him.

Jeff Garlin 13:41 By the way, I will.

Joe Rogan 13:42 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 13:42 As a matter of fact, next time I see him, I'm gonna talk to him about the man bun in the pool.

Joe Rogan 13:46 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 13:46 Like, "Who do you, who are you friends with that has a man bun?"

Joe Rogan 13:49 (gasps) He's a producer, bro.

Jeff Garlin 13:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:51 He's a ... He's helping me with a project.

Jeff Garlin 13:53 Yeah. Well, that's ... He didn't look like a producer, just someone you know.

Joe Rogan 13:55 Grab the shoulders, go, "I love you."

Jeff Garlin 13:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:57 "I can't come to your fucking pool parties anymore, bro."

Jeff Garlin 13:59 Yeah, yeah. Well, it wasn't even a pool party.

Joe Rogan 14:01 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 14:01 That was the thing. Somebody went, "I'm gonna bring my suit and my man bun-"

Joe Rogan 14:05 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 14:05 "... and get in the pool." And he got in the pool with ... He was with two other people. I didn't really notice that, but it was a man bun.

Joe Rogan 14:11 (sighs) That's unfortunate if it's not a pool party and you decide to get in the pool.

Jeff Garlin 14:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:14 That's always awkward as fuck.

Jeff Garlin 14:16 Well, I, I, I just didn't belong.

Joe Rogan 14:18 Yeah. You gotta be like a really comfortable person to take off your clothes when everybody else has theirs on.

Jeff Garlin 14:22 By the way, I'm pro-naked.

Joe Rogan 14:25 Good for you.

Jeff Garlin 14:25 I'm pro-naked.

Joe Rogan 14:26 Me too.

Jeff Garlin 14:26 I mean, for me. I, I'm all comforta- ... Well, you're fit. The fact that I'm pro-naked-

Joe Rogan 14:31 Sounded like you were angry at me.

Jeff Garlin 14:32 No.

Joe Rogan 14:33 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 14:33 By the way, I saw you're little festival here. You're really ... Your passions are comedy and fitness.

Joe Rogan 14:39 That's one thing. Let's see, yeah, it's one thing I'm into.

Jeff Garlin 14:41 Cars.

Joe Rogan 14:42 Yeah. Well, I'm just, uh-

Jeff Garlin 14:43 American Werewolf in London?

Joe Rogan 14:44 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 14:45 Is that the thing in the middle of it?

Joe Rogan 14:46 Yes, it is. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 14:46 I recognize that. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:47 You did good. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 14:48 Yeah. I loved that movie. But that's when he was in, uh, Trafalgar Square.

Joe Rogan 14:53 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 14:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:53 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 14:54 I remember that moment. Scary.

Joe Rogan 14:55 I'm not happy unless I'm, uh, exercising.

Jeff Garlin 14:58 Wow.

Joe Rogan 14:58 I've, I've tried both ways.

Jeff Garlin 14:59 I'm not happy unless I'm napping. So we both-

Joe Rogan 15:01 There you go.

Jeff Garlin 15:01 ... have our ways about us.

Joe Rogan 15:03 Yeah. Well, everybody's body's different.

Jeff Garlin 15:04 By the way, I ... But I do exercise. I eat well. I, I eat, I eat gluten-free. I eat dairy-free. And I eat sugar-free.

Joe Rogan 15:13 That's awesome.

Jeff Garlin 15:14 But I-

Joe Rogan 15:14 Those are-

Jeff Garlin 15:14 But I-

Joe Rogan 15:14 That's a good combination.

Jeff Garlin 15:15 Yeah. And I aspire to be more of a vegetarian, but I'm not obsessed with it.

Joe Rogan 15:20 Do you, uh, read books on nutrition? Do you understand-

Jeff Garlin 15:22 I have read many books on nutrition.

Joe Rogan 15:24 Yeah?

Jeff Garlin 15:24 Yes. Some that Bryan Callen even recommended to me, a couple-

Joe Rogan 15:26 Really? Which ones?

Jeff Garlin 15:28 Um, uh ...

Joe Rogan 15:29 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 15:30 (laughs) I couldn't think of the name. Oh, I probably have them in my phone. If you really wanna know.

Joe Rogan 15:33 Bryan Callen's a big recommender of books.

Jeff Garlin 15:35 Yeah, yeah. Kindle. Hold on, I'll tell you what he recommended. And they were good. I learned ... You know, every one of those kind of books, even if they're not well-written or whatever, I learn something from. I pick up-

Joe Rogan 15:45 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 15:46 I read, uh, a ton. That's what I do when I'm at home. I read a lot. I listen to albums and I read music. And I, uh, play guitar-

Joe Rogan 15:54 When you say albums, do you have like a record player?

Jeff Garlin 15:56 I have a record player and I have, uh-

Joe Rogan 15:57 Ooh, those guys.

Jeff Garlin 15:58 ... thousands of albums. Okay.

Joe Rogan 15:59 Wow.

Jeff Garlin 15:59 Yeah, I'm one of those guys.

Joe Rogan 16:00 You have th- You have a thousand albums?

Jeff Garlin 16:01 Probably about a thousand.

Joe Rogan 16:03 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 16:03 Holy shit. Yeah, I enjoy it.

Joe Rogan 16:05 Do you have like a room that you go to when you, like, can't-

Jeff Garlin 16:07 I'm going to. I'm moving into a new house which will have a specific room that I will go into to strictly play guitar and listen to analog.

Joe Rogan 16:15 Whoa.

Jeff Garlin 16:15 Which is albums. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:17 Have you, uh ... Do you know Henry Rollins at all?

Jeff Garlin 16:19 I do know Henry Rollins.

Joe Rogan 16:21 Henry's-

Jeff Garlin 16:21 We're not great friends, I mean, but I do know him. He's an acquaintance of mine.

Joe Rogan 16:25 He's a fascinating guy.

Jeff Garlin 16:26 He's a fascinating guy, good man.

Joe Rogan 16:28 Very good man.

Jeff Garlin 16:29 I dig that dude.

Joe Rogan 16:30 F- very inspirational guy, too.

Jeff Garlin 16:31 Inspires me. I dig him. I, I, I did an interview with him at Largo. I, I dig him big time, yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:38 He's got these crazy quarter million dollar speakers in his house.

Jeff Garlin 16:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:42 They're like ... There's his speaker room. Look at-

Jeff Garlin 16:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:45 Look at this. This is the room. So he has all these albums and those, those gigantic things.

Jeff Garlin 16:51 By the way, the dude on the right, I think is Robert Hilburn, who was the critic for the LA Times. That's how much I dig music.

Joe Rogan 16:58 Oh. Whoa.

Jeff Garlin 16:58 I think that's Robert Hilburn. I'm pretty sure.

Joe Rogan 17:00 So Henry gets ... Henry, who obviously became famous as a musician-

Jeff Garlin 17:04 Wrote The Great Johnny Cash ... He wrote The Great Johnny Cash book that came out a few years ago 'cause I seen you-

Joe Rogan 17:08 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 17:09 ... you dig Johnny Cash by the pictures on the wall.

Joe Rogan 17:11 I love Johnny Cash.

Jeff Garlin 17:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:12 I had a dog named Johnny Cash. Just died recently.

Jeff Garlin 17:14 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 17:14 Unfortunately.

Jeff Garlin 17:15 My granddaughter's name is Johnny Cash.

Joe Rogan 17:17 Um, that, those, those speakers are fucking crazy. Look at these speakers he's got.

Jeff Garlin 17:21 Yeah, I just got new speakers, and they were like 8,000 for a pair, and I thought I was nuts.

Joe Rogan 17:25 Look at the size of that shit.

Jeff Garlin 17:26 That's ridiculous. That's like-

Joe Rogan 17:27 200 grand, it says.

Jeff Garlin 17:28 That's like 2001: A Space Odyssey-looking speakers.

Joe Rogan 17:31 I, I wanna go over to his house, but I don't wanna ask. (laughs) I don't wanna be like, "Henry, come on, bro. Let me come over to your house."

Jeff Garlin 17:38 Oh.

Joe Rogan 17:38 I don't wanna be that weird guy.

Jeff Garlin 17:40 Sorry. I'm looking for the books.

Joe Rogan 17:41 The avoids.

Jeff Garlin 17:42 'Cause I know I downloaded them. I didn't wanna own them.

Joe Rogan 17:44 But how many people do you think own those speakers? I mean, that sounds just to be-

Jeff Garlin 17:49 Those are the ... But first off, you have to be wealthy or-

Joe Rogan 17:50 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 17:51 ... that's where you wanna put your money. Click on that yellow one. That you just r- What's that? Oh, that's the same speaker except in yellow.

Joe Rogan 17:57 Oh, okay.

Jeff Garlin 17:58 Those are a big ball of rum- ... 'Cause they look like plumbing supplies.

Joe Rogan 18:02 Do they?

Jeff Garlin 18:02 They don't look good. I don't think they look good.

Joe Rogan 18:04 Oh, I think they look good.

Jeff Garlin 18:05 Oh.

Joe Rogan 18:05 I think they look futuristic.

Jeff Garlin 18:06 Again-

Joe Rogan 18:07 They sound amazing.

Jeff Garlin 18:07 Here we go. Why we get fat.

Joe Rogan 18:10 ... was that Callan?

Jeff Garlin 18:12 ... by, um, b- uh, I can't remember the guy's name, Why We Get Fat and the Four Hour Body.

Joe Rogan 18:17 Oh, yeah. Okay, Tim Ferriss' book.

Jeff Garlin 18:19 And I learned ... It's Tim Ferriss. And I learned stuff from both.

Joe Rogan 18:21 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 18:21 But I ... So I learned stuff about nutrition and stuff. And I'm in ... My, at my most, I was 320.

Joe Rogan 18:27 Whoa.

Jeff Garlin 18:27 And I'm currently in the 240s.

Joe Rogan 18:29 That's nice.

Jeff Garlin 18:29 And I'm making the transition now to hopefully low 230s, somewhere in the 220s, and then building up muscle and ... I'll never be fit like you and I'm not, I'm not s- ... I'm not saying that to insult myself in terms of like, you know, but you, this is a, uh, passion of yours. It's not a passion of mine. I just wanna live life at a higher level.

Joe Rogan 18:52 Right.

Jeff Garlin 18:53 And a better level.

Joe Rogan 18:54 You just wanna feel good.

Jeff Garlin 18:54 I wanna feel great.

Joe Rogan 18:56 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 18:56 And I already do, so if I can improve on this, delightful.

Joe Rogan 19:00 The big thing's cutting carbohydrates.

Jeff Garlin 19:02 Well-

Joe Rogan 19:02 Most people have, eat far too much bread-

Jeff Garlin 19:04 Well, for me-

Joe Rogan 19:04 ... and far too much pasta.

Jeff Garlin 19:05 For me, that's where the gluten and the sugar came from.

Joe Rogan 19:09 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 19:09 And the, and the dairy ... And I feel good with my body not having those things. I react positively. My ... So anything else is okay for me.

Joe Rogan 19:19 What kind of exercise you do?

Jeff Garlin 19:20 I do Pilates. I do-

Joe Rogan 19:22 Pilates is fucking hard.

Jeff Garlin 19:23 Really hard, yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:24 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 19:24 I have a great Pilates teacher.

Joe Rogan 19:25 It's great.

Jeff Garlin 19:26 I do, uh, I swim, I work with a trainer, I play tennis. Playing tennis, uh, tomorrow morning? Or today's Wednesday? Yeah, tomorrow morning, I'll be playing with my tennis teacher. I play golf, which is not that physical. However, like, I went, was at the store buying stuff the other day, you know, at the golf store and he want- ... The guy ... He was a very nice guy helping me, wanted to sell me something that I don't have to bend over to get the ball. I go, "I think that bending over and as a matter of fact stretching my hamstrings, really I don't know the benefit I'd get from golf if I didn't at least bend."

Joe Rogan 19:58 He's telling you not to bend?

Jeff Garlin 19:59 Well, they, they have these things so people don't have to bend.

Joe Rogan 20:02 Well, that's for people who have like really bad backs, right?

Jeff Garlin 20:04 No, no, no, it's for lazy people.

Joe Rogan 20:05 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 20:06 That's why I think a lot of people ... So for me it's a matter of pride to bend and-

Joe Rogan 20:10 Well, because if you have a bad back, you probably can't swing either, right?

Jeff Garlin 20:12 Yeah, can't swing, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:13 'Cause it's a lot on your back.

Jeff Garlin 20:14 Um, but I do a lotta different things. I love sports. I used to play ... When I was younger I played baseball and football.

Joe Rogan 20:20 Do you ever play, um, golf or, uh, tennis rather with Callan? 'Cause he's a tennis freak.

Jeff Garlin 20:24 No, I should actually ... By the way, I just started again. I haven't played tennis since I was a kid. I'm actually gonna talk to him about that. Hopefully we can play some.

Joe Rogan 20:32 The thing about tennis though is it's a lot of like going left and right and left and right and putting weird strains and pressures on your knees.

Jeff Garlin 20:38 Yeah, it's great for your ... It's, but it's great for, um, uh, uh, bone mass.

Joe Rogan 20:42 Oh, okay.

Jeff Garlin 20:43 Yeah, it's good for it.

Joe Rogan 20:44 Bone mass? That makes sense.

Jeff Garlin 20:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:46 You're pushing-

Jeff Garlin 20:46 Pushing, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:46 Pushing off, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 20:47 No, I dig it. And by the way, I'm not gonna play competitive with him, I'm gonna hit with him.

Joe Rogan 20:51 Right.

Jeff Garlin 20:52 'Cause he could probably beat me.

Joe Rogan 20:53 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 20:53 He also weighs about 70 pounds less than me.

Joe Rogan 20:56 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 20:57 So he can move better.

Joe Rogan 20:57 He's spry.

Jeff Garlin 20:58 And he's been playing. He's very spry. He's, he's ... He takes his physical fitness very seriously.

Joe Rogan 21:02 He does.

Jeff Garlin 21:03 And he'll tell you about it.

Joe Rogan 21:04 Oh, yeah. Listen, I know.

Jeff Garlin 21:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:06 He gets very serious about half-assing everything. He gets very serious.

Jeff Garlin 21:11 Oh, okay.

Joe Rogan 21:12 You know what I'm saying?

Jeff Garlin 21:12 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 21:12 Like he's never gonna get ... He's never gonna like com- commit to being like a, a professional tennis player.

Jeff Garlin 21:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 21:19 But he'll get pretty serious about kinda getting into tennis.

Jeff Garlin 21:23 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:24 You know what I'm talking about?

Jeff Garlin 21:24 Well, that works whenever. Sure. Who needs the stress?

Joe Rogan 21:27 Yeah. But no, I'm saying it's like a good balance. Like he's-

Jeff Garlin 21:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:30 He's ... I get obsessed about things.

Jeff Garlin 21:33 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:33 He gets obsessed about kinda getting into things.

Jeff Garlin 21:37 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:37 But then doesn't go, like ... They'll start out-

Jeff Garlin 21:39 Doesn't fit.

Joe Rogan 21:39 ... doing jujitsu together.

Jeff Garlin 21:40 He's not very von follow through.

Joe Rogan 21:41 Exactly.

Jeff Garlin 21:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:42 Exactly.

Jeff Garlin 21:42 You are a follow through fucking motherfucking follow through. All the person has to do is do a walk around here and go ... Or look at ya. You're a fucking specimen, you bugger.

Joe Rogan 21:53 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 21:54 You're a specimen.

Joe Rogan 21:55 Just trying to stay sane, Jeff.

Jeff Garlin 21:56 That's right.Do y- ... Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend?

Joe Rogan 21:58 Yep.

Jeff Garlin 21:58 You're married.

Joe Rogan 21:59 Yep.

Jeff Garlin 22:00 Yeah. Your wife must appreciate that.

Joe Rogan 22:02 What, the f- the physicalness?

Jeff Garlin 22:03 Well, you're a good man but, but being ... Looking over and going, "My husband's not a fat piece of shit."

Joe Rogan 22:09 Hmm.

Jeff Garlin 22:09 "He's a fit motherfucker and I'm gonna fuck his brains out tonight."

Joe Rogan 22:13 Whoa.

Jeff Garlin 22:13 Does she ever say that?

Joe Rogan 22:14 No.

Jeff Garlin 22:14 Okay.

Joe Rogan 22:14 Not, not around me at least.

Jeff Garlin 22:15 Well, she should.

Joe Rogan 22:16 Maybe I should start bugging the house.

Jeff Garlin 22:18 You should.

Joe Rogan 22:18 Find out what she says when I'm not there.

Jeff Garlin 22:19 When you're not there, I bet you that's what she says to her friends.

Joe Rogan 22:21 Are you married?

Jeff Garlin 22:23 Um, uh, uh, I can't answer.

Joe Rogan 22:25 Hmm.

Jeff Garlin 22:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:26 Okay.

Jeff Garlin 22:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:27 I don't wanna pressure you.

Jeff Garlin 22:28 No, don't pressure me.

Joe Rogan 22:29 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 22:29 That's like, uh, I can't, I can't talk about that right now.

Joe Rogan 22:32 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 22:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:34 Oh ...

Jeff Garlin 22:34 I can't.

Joe Rogan 22:34 That's probably good. Transition's healthy.

Jeff Garlin 22:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:37 I like it.

Jeff Garlin 22:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:38 Things are in flux.

Jeff Garlin 22:40 They're fluxing. I'm in a flux festival.

Joe Rogan 22:43 It's not bad.

Jeff Garlin 22:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:44 It's things-

Jeff Garlin 22:44 No, it's bad. There's no winning.

Joe Rogan 22:46 Oh. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 22:47 There's no winning.

Joe Rogan 22:48 I've been there before.

Jeff Garlin 22:48 I love my wife but I don't wanna go home and I-

Joe Rogan 22:52 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 22:52 I love being alone but being alone blows. So, uh, there's no winning.

Joe Rogan 22:57 (exhales)

Jeff Garlin 22:57 There's no winning. I'm a sad young man.

Joe Rogan 22:59 Ooh.

Jeff Garlin 22:59 But I'm really happy.

Joe Rogan 23:00 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 23:00 Like I'm ... 'Cause I'm functioning at a high leve- I'm, level. I'm rising, I'm rising up. You know what I mean? I'm, I'm facing adversity head, head on.

Joe Rogan 23:09 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 23:10 But, uh, you know, my wife is a lovely woman. Lovely woman. Good woman.

Joe Rogan 23:14 That, that's one of the things about going on the road, you appreciate people when you come back.

Jeff Garlin 23:17 Oh my God, yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:18 When you're with them every day-

Jeff Garlin 23:18 But do they appreciate you? Good night everybody!

Joe Rogan 23:21 ... that's a problem. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 23:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:22 Try the wings. Yeah, if you're there with them every day staring at each other.

Jeff Garlin 23:26 Yeah. I mean-

Joe Rogan 23:26 And no, I don't care who it is. Could be your best friend on the planet.

Jeff Garlin 23:29 Oh, no. People, too much time with somebody, except for rare exceptions-

Joe Rogan 23:33 Right.

Jeff Garlin 23:34 ... wow, is that bad.

Joe Rogan 23:35 Yeah. It can be terrible.

Jeff Garlin 23:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:37 It can be terrible.

Jeff Garlin 23:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:38 Almost everybody.

Jeff Garlin 23:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:40 Yeah. People get ... You know, you need to be around variety in terms of like different styles-

Jeff Garlin 23:45 People experiences.

Joe Rogan 23:46 ... of communication.

Jeff Garlin 23:47 Yeah, most def-

Joe Rogan 23:47 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 23:47 And by the way, I don't s- uh, stay home becau- ... I'm not like, um, uh, staying home 'cause I wanna avoid experiences. I like experiences and I'll go have an experience but when I, when I deem that experience, like Jeff's party, not good for me-

Joe Rogan 24:04 Inadequate.

Jeff Garlin 24:04 ... I leave.

Joe Rogan 24:05 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 24:05 But if I'm, if I'm having an experience that's new and I'm digging it, I'll stay.

Joe Rogan 24:10 That makes sense. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 24:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:11 Well, you know what you like. That's-

Jeff Garlin 24:13 I do, I'm-

Joe Rogan 24:13 That's a healthy thing.

Jeff Garlin 24:13 I'm 56 years old, man.

Joe Rogan 24:15 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 24:15 I know.

Joe Rogan 24:15 You're a man.

Jeff Garlin 24:16 I'm a man.

Joe Rogan 24:17 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 24:17 I am a man.

Joe Rogan 24:18 You're a man.

Jeff Garlin 24:19 I'm, I'm Jeff Garland and I'm-

Joe Rogan 24:20 You're an actualized man.

Jeff Garlin 24:22 I'm an, I'm an actualized ... I'm aspiring to grow all the time. That's what ... That's my thing, to be wise man. I aspire ... My goal is to be a wise ma- ... And I'll never r- reach it. Not that I'm being stupid but I'm saying it's always evolving.

Joe Rogan 24:36 I have a friend (clears throat) and many, many years ago I was at her house and she had this sign that said enlightenment is possible in this lifetime.I saw that and I went, "Whoa."

Jeff Garlin 24:45 Wow, that's-

Joe Rogan 24:45 That's deep.

Jeff Garlin 24:46 ... that's, uh, by the way, levels of it-

Joe Rogan 24:48 It's real.

Jeff Garlin 24:48 ... and putting you at a higher place than you are, I agree with, but true enlightenment?

Joe Rogan 24:54 Mm.

Jeff Garlin 24:54 I- I- I'm just kinda... I'm not cynical. Um, I'm, have more of a critical eye. There you go.

Joe Rogan 25:00 Right.

Jeff Garlin 25:00 If that's possible. I'm not cynical.

Joe Rogan 25:01 I've never seen it.

Jeff Garlin 25:02 I've not seen it, but-

Joe Rogan 25:03 (coughs) .

Jeff Garlin 25:03 But it's like, I'm not gonna deem it impossible 'cause then who am I?

Joe Rogan 25:07 And, it's also-

Jeff Garlin 25:07 That's like me saying, "There's no God." That's like me saying, "I'll tell you who killed Kennedy." I don't know.

Joe Rogan 25:13 Right. And, it's also what exactly is enlightenment and by whose standards or definition?

Jeff Garlin 25:18 Right. Well, so maybe if you have a very low standard for enlightenment-

Joe Rogan 25:22 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 25:22 ... and you reach whatever that level is, you go, "I did it in my lifetime! Look at me!"

Joe Rogan 25:28 Right. Like, if you are, if you're smoking indica, listening to great music and having fantastic sex after a great meal and- and then someone says, "No, no, no. You're just supposed to meditate and just sit in a room and- and, you know, be mindful." Okay. How about fuck you?

Jeff Garlin 25:44 How about a big bowl of fuck you?

Joe Rogan 25:46 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 25:47 Oh, by the way, can we make that happen for me that I smoke some indica, listen to some music, have some great sex after a great meal?

Joe Rogan 25:53 Totally possible.

Jeff Garlin 25:53 How do I arrange that?

Joe Rogan 25:55 It's... It can be done.

Jeff Garlin 25:55 I got you. It can be done.

Joe Rogan 25:56 You're Jeff Garlin. It should be done.

Jeff Garlin 25:58 Yeah. That's what, uh-

Joe Rogan 25:59 (coughs) .

Jeff Garlin 25:59 ... Tony says to me, "You're Jeff Garlin."

Joe Rogan 26:01 Tony who? Hinchcliffe?

Jeff Garlin 26:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:02 Yeah. He's- he's right.

Jeff Garlin 26:03 Yeah. Well, I- I- I- I tend to be, um, confident in my comedic skills.

Joe Rogan 26:09 Well, you should be.

Jeff Garlin 26:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:10 You're a funny guy.

Jeff Garlin 26:11 Yeah, but outside of that, I, I'm not lacking in confidence, but leaving my house is, like I said, uh, uh, uh, quite the effort.

Joe Rogan 26:17 But, that's... What I'm saying is, like, by whose definition is enlightenment? 'Cause, like, say if you wanted to go to a concert-

Jeff Garlin 26:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:23 ... or you wanted to go to a great movie, would an enlightened person enjoy a great movie?

Jeff Garlin 26:30 Uh, I would think my version of an enlightened person would in fact-

Joe Rogan 26:33 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 26:33 ... enjoy a great movie. I- I've been enlightened at a concert. I saw James Brown when he first got out of prison and I found that- that- that performance that he gave was the most enlightened performance I'd ever seen.

Joe Rogan 26:47 Was this when he was in the car chase? Was that that prison?

Jeff Garlin 26:51 Yeah. It was, it was the last prison.

Joe Rogan 26:52 He shot at cops because...

Jeff Garlin 26:54 I believe so, yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:56 (laughs) That one was... Someone else used his bathroom, right? Isn't that what happened? Someone took a shit.

Jeff Garlin 27:02 I actually don't know. I know that he got in trouble with the cops, but maybe it was taxes.

Joe Rogan 27:06 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 27:06 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 27:07 (laughs) There's a big difference between someone using the toilet-

Jeff Garlin 27:10 But, the point being is that, uh, he had gotten out of prison and just the idea that James Brown was in prison.

Joe Rogan 27:14 I think the... Maybe I'm remembering this incorrectly, but I think someone used his toilet and then he got mad at that person and shot at something, like either shot the wall or something.

Jeff Garlin 27:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:26 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 27:27 I don't remember that story, but I assume-

Joe Rogan 27:29 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 27:29 ... that you're looking it up right now.

Joe Rogan 27:31 Yeah, he's looking it up.

Jeff Garlin 27:32 Okay, so we'll find out.

Joe Rogan 27:32 I feel like he was in a high speed chase. They shot his tires out.

Jeff Garlin 27:37 They sho-... I-

Joe Rogan 27:38 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 27:38 I don't remember it this way.

Joe Rogan 27:40 I'm pretty sure.

Jeff Garlin 27:40 I remember something in a car, though, maybe.

Joe Rogan 27:42 Yeah, I'm pretty sure they shot his tires out and he was driving around on the rims.

Jeff Garlin 27:46 He must have been. He had to have been doing a lot of blow or something to make him that agitated.

Joe Rogan 27:50 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 27:50 You know what I mean? No normal human being, and we're talking about James Brown, is that agitated. I mean, who gets that agitated?

Joe Rogan 27:56 He was fucking phenomenal when he was young. Two state chase that went up to 85 miles an hour, involved 14 cars. He said he didn't stop because he feared for his life, though. I don't...

Jeff Garlin 28:05 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:05 I'm trying to see why it started and I don't see that. I feel like that- that's what started. He was... He fired off a gun because someone used his toilet.

Jeff Garlin 28:14 By the way, a two state chase, I'm guessing he lived near the border.

Joe Rogan 28:17 Eh, probably lived in one of those wacky states.

Jeff Garlin 28:19 Maybe he lived, lived in Georgia.

Joe Rogan 28:21 Oh, okay.

Jeff Garlin 28:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:22 Well, maybe it was, like, Georgia, Florida.

Jeff Garlin 28:23 Yeah, could be.

Joe Rogan 28:24 Right? They're close to each other. Georgia-Florida line. Isn't that a band? It is, right? Doesn't, uh, Wheeler Walker make fun of them? Yeah, it just says he failed to obey to pull over. That's all it is? That's what it says. But I'm- I'm pretty sure that's why they were pulling him over. I didn't see it. They were going after him. Um, I might be wrong about that. Maybe that... Maybe I'm confusing him with... Okay, Chuck Berry was the one who was filming people going to the bathroom, right?

Jeff Garlin 28:49 I think. He- he liked to go in the b-... He liked to pee on ladies, I'm pretty sure.

Joe Rogan 28:53 Interesting.

Jeff Garlin 28:55 I'm pretty sure.

Joe Rogan 28:56 Interesting. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 28:57 Generally, when I enjoy James Brown's music, I'm not thinking about his c-... I think about his other side, uh, you know.

Joe Rogan 29:04 It does say that, uh, weird story. Oh, really? Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 29:06 What's it say?

Joe Rogan 29:07 Oh, okay. That's right. It's from, uh-

Jeff Garlin 29:08 Oh, here it goes.

Joe Rogan 29:09 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 29:09 Okay.

Joe Rogan 29:10 He carrying a deadly weapon at a public gathering, an attempt to flee police driving under the influence of drugs. (laughs) Okay, he reportedly stormed into the insurance company next to his office waving a shotgun and complaining that strangers were using his bathroom, as Time reported to... (laughs) That's it.

Jeff Garlin 29:26 He drove on the rims for six miles!

Joe Rogan 29:30 There you go.

Jeff Garlin 29:30 Are you kidding me?

Joe Rogan 29:32 Years later, this episode would frame the 2014 J- Brown biopic.

Jeff Garlin 29:36 Okay, 88.

Joe Rogan 29:37 Get on up.

Jeff Garlin 29:38 I'm guessing that I saw him after this.

Joe Rogan 29:40 Uh-huh.

Jeff Garlin 29:41 'Cause it was right after that.

Joe Rogan 29:42 So it's like a-

Jeff Garlin 29:42 It would be... Uh, it would be late '80s, early '90s.

Joe Rogan 29:47 Jesus Christ, he did six years?

Jeff Garlin 29:49 Yeah, he was in there for a while.

Joe Rogan 29:50 Six fucking years?

Jeff Garlin 29:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:53 How about just sober him up? He was on PCP.

Jeff Garlin 29:56 They- they gave him a year for each mile he drove on his rims.

Joe Rogan 30:00 (laughs) Rumors of a PCP habit had already surfaced by the time his erratic behavior came to a head in September. Wow. PCP is a tricky one, huh?

Jeff Garlin 30:09 He sang in the prison choir.

Joe Rogan 30:12 I bet he did. Shit, imagine you go to jail for, like, stealing a car and your fucking cellie is James Brown? Be like, "Hey, buddy. What do you want to do?" (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 30:21 Yeah, that's something. That's a hell of a story.

Joe Rogan 30:23 Yeah, help him write some songs.

Jeff Garlin 30:25 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:25 You know, get on up.

Jeff Garlin 30:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:27 Did you ever see, um, when he opened up for, um, the Muhammad Ali fight with George Foreman in Zaire?

Jeff Garlin 30:34 Oh, of course. It's in the documentary.

Joe Rogan 30:35 Holy shit, was that incredible.

Jeff Garlin 30:37 That was incredible, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:38 Incredible.

Jeff Garlin 30:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:39 He had so much power. There was something about him, man. He would get on stage.

Jeff Garlin 30:45 Ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 30:45 It was just power.

Jeff Garlin 30:46 To give you an idea how much power, Prince wished for that power.

Joe Rogan 30:49 Fuck yeah. Well, Prince had it, but he had it in a different way.

Jeff Garlin 30:52 No, no, no, different way, but Prince looked up to that power like death.

Joe Rogan 30:55 Oh, who the fuck didn't?

Jeff Garlin 30:56 No, James Brown was ridiculous, I'll tell you.

Joe Rogan 30:57 I can't sing and I looked up to it.

Jeff Garlin 30:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:59 I don't have any musical talent and I looked up to him.

Jeff Garlin 31:00 It just tells you what a waste Elvis was.

Joe Rogan 31:03 Hmm.

Jeff Garlin 31:03 'Cause Elvis had that power and he didn't use it. He had it early on and then, uh, w- w-

Joe Rogan 31:09 He could never dance like James Brown though or f- or if he did he never showed it.

Jeff Garlin 31:12 Oh, no, no, but it would be different. It's a different kind of power. If he just took and harnessed what he had.

Joe Rogan 31:18 Yeah. Here it is, look at this. Look at his dress too, look at the way he's dressed. (laughs) Look at that, the fucking pants and the sh- look at his... Goddamn.

Jeff Garlin 31:26 I know.

Joe Rogan 31:26 Dropping down doing splits.

Jeff Garlin 31:27 I know, though, he was not human.

Joe Rogan 31:29 And by the way, he, he's not even really flexible enough to do a full split and yet he's still dropping down on stage.

Jeff Garlin 31:35 Do you know he was wearing a turtleneck that night? And I said to him, "Cut that baby out."

Joe Rogan 31:41 (laughs) Look at that.

Jeff Garlin 31:41 I said, "Let's, let's leave a little bit, let's put your initials on there."

Joe Rogan 31:46 I think that that was done in advance. Look at the girls he was hanging around with.

Jeff Garlin 31:50 Yeah, I know.

Joe Rogan 31:50 Probably fuck them all, too.

Jeff Garlin 31:50 He's James Brown.

Joe Rogan 31:51 Woo! Yeah, look at his giant-ass band. I don't envy those people. D- You know, when you see people with bands touring?

Jeff Garlin 31:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:58 Got all those people, all those working pieces have to fall into place.

Jeff Garlin 32:02 Yep. (sighs)

Joe Rogan 32:03 Look at all that, though.

Jeff Garlin 32:04 Yeah, no.

Joe Rogan 32:04 But Goddamn what a performance. What a performer.

Jeff Garlin 32:06 When I saw him, when I saw him, it blew my mind. It literally blew my mind.

Joe Rogan 32:09 Well, what's interesting too is that, you know, Prince, who died of painkillers, he died from fentanyl.

Jeff Garlin 32:15 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:16 He blew his hips out dancing. Like, that was, that was the thing. You know? And that, that apparently is a very common thing. My friend Maynard, Maynard Keenan from Tool, lead singer in Tool.

Jeff Garlin 32:27 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 32:27 He just recently had his hip replaced.

Jeff Garlin 32:29 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 32:29 And, um, he was doing... He's, he's big into jujitsu.

Jeff Garlin 32:32 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 32:33 Loves jujitsu. And he was having a really hard time doing certain things, so went to a doctor to see what's going on with his hip, and they're like, "Dude, your hip is gone, son." Like, "It's just deteriorated."

Jeff Garlin 32:44 And now is he functioning at a high level?

Joe Rogan 32:45 Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's fine.

Jeff Garlin 32:46 Look at that. That's great.

Joe Rogan 32:47 That's... The hip replacement is one of the most unusual ones in terms of, like, its ability to restore you back to a, uh, a fairly normal state other than 1/6 in the middle of a sentence

Jeff Garlin 32:56 That's right, being a comedian is delightful.

Joe Rogan 32:58 Ah, we don't have to do any of that shit.

Jeff Garlin 32:59 No?

Joe Rogan 33:00 Just no, "Get on up!"

Jeff Garlin 33:01 No.

Joe Rogan 33:01 "Get on up! Get on up!" (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 33:02 And by the way, when you see someone moving around like that on stage, I will bet you every penny I have they're not funny.

Joe Rogan 33:10 Callan moves a lot on stage, he's very funny.

Jeff Garlin 33:12 Nah, he doesn't move like, like I-

Joe Rogan 33:14 Sometimes he throws kicks.

Jeff Garlin 33:14 All right, so upstairs in the, in the, um ...

Joe Rogan 33:17 Deli room?

Jeff Garlin 33:17 N- no, The Improv, upstairs.

Joe Rogan 33:19 Okay.

Jeff Garlin 33:19 You know that greenroom thing?

Joe Rogan 33:21 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 33:21 Okay. There's a monitor on stage with a thing, and I will turn to whoever I'm with, I go, "Funny. Not funny."

Joe Rogan 33:28 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 33:28 Because I c- I can watch and tell how ... whether the comedy's coming to them or whether they're pushing it. And most of the move-around people are pushing it, they're selling-

Joe Rogan 33:39 But Jim Carrey was a move-around guy. He was always really funny.

Jeff Garlin 33:42 But, eh, move around in a different sort of way, doing character-

Joe Rogan 33:46 There's exceptions.

Jeff Garlin 33:46 Well, there's exceptions to all s- stuff, like ...

Joe Rogan 33:48 Right.

Jeff Garlin 33:48 All things. But in this sort of way. I'm talking about when someone just stands there and talks, and then they're doing some sort of movement, it's not good. Jim Carrey, there was a purpose.

Joe Rogan 33:59 Right.

Jeff Garlin 33:59 Brian, it's part of who he is.

Joe Rogan 34:01 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 34:02 That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people that just oversell shit by-

Joe Rogan 34:06 I see what you're saying.

Jeff Garlin 34:07 ... physicalizing what should be just funny the way you say it, not even what you're saying, the way you say it.

Joe Rogan 34:14 Tom Segura calls it dance moves.

Jeff Garlin 34:16 It is dance moves! Good night!

Joe Rogan 34:18 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 34:18 Tom Segura's right! Tom Segura's funny.

Joe Rogan 34:21 He's a genius. He, uh ... I used to call it English, putting, like, English on a cue ball.

Jeff Garlin 34:25 Yes, spin! Yes, it's English.

Joe Rogan 34:26 The, uh, cue ball spinning around.

Jeff Garlin 34:27 Totally unnecessary.

Joe Rogan 34:28 But dance moves is better. Dance moves-

Jeff Garlin 34:29 Dance moves is be-

Joe Rogan 34:29 So I have adopted dance moves now. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 34:31 Dance moves is, is, uh, and that's what I'm talking about. So Jim Carrey and Brian Callan do not have dance moves.

Joe Rogan 34:36 Right, they just are funny and they also move.

Jeff Garlin 34:39 Yeah, there's a-

Joe Rogan 34:39 That's right.

Jeff Garlin 34:39 It's, there's a reason for their moving.

Joe Rogan 34:41 Yeah. But I don't know of any-

Jeff Garlin 34:41 But, but yeah, dance moves? Oh, come on, man. And you know what was so funny? Years ago I remember any time I saw someone miming having sex, you know, pumping air?

Joe Rogan 34:51 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 34:51 I would just go, "Not funny."

Joe Rogan 34:53 No.

Jeff Garlin 34:53 It was just like, it was a sign of, like ...

Joe Rogan 34:55 But what if there's a bit where you have to mime pumping s- pumping air? There's gotta be a bit.

Jeff Garlin 35:01 Pumping air?

Joe Rogan 35:02 Yeah, like-

Jeff Garlin 35:02 You mean like ... Screw pumping?

Joe Rogan 35:04 There's gotta be ... Yeah, some bits.

Jeff Garlin 35:05 But, but, but who doesn't know what that, that looks like? Why do you need to pump?

Joe Rogan 35:08 Maybe there's a reason. There's gotta be something.

Jeff Garlin 35:11 Unless, unless, like, you're imitating someone-

Joe Rogan 35:13 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 35:13 ... having a heart attack, pumping.

Joe Rogan 35:15 Right.

Jeff Garlin 35:15 Or, or, you know, if there, if the content is about your physicality-

Joe Rogan 35:20 Right.

Jeff Garlin 35:20 ... that's not dancing.

Joe Rogan 35:21 Right, right, right.

Jeff Garlin 35:22 Dancing's when you, when you put, like, English, like when you m- when you're doing this to accentuate what you're saying.

Joe Rogan 35:29 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 35:29 It's like, "Screw that. We don't need that."

Joe Rogan 35:31 Well, do you ever go to open mic nights?

Jeff Garlin 35:33 I used to do them up until recently.

Joe Rogan 35:35 Really?

Jeff Garlin 35:36 I would just show up and say, "Can I go up and do 10," you know? And ...

Joe Rogan 35:41 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 35:41 And what was really fun was when the person who had them didn't know who I was.

Joe Rogan 35:44 Oh, that's great.

Jeff Garlin 35:45 And it was great. And then I watched as other people explained. And it was cool 'cause I didn't have an attitude, you know?

Joe Rogan 35:51 Right.

Jeff Garlin 35:51 And I would do my sets and the audiences at open mic nights are really ... They're terrible.

Joe Rogan 35:56 A lot of times, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 35:57 Yeah, they're there to see their friends or they're tired-

Joe Rogan 35:59 Right.

Jeff Garlin 35:59 ... or whatever.

Joe Rogan 36:00 Or they've been beaten down by totally-

Jeff Garlin 36:02 Beaten ...

Joe Rogan 36:02 ... unfunny shit.

Jeff Garlin 36:03 Totally unfunny shit over and over and over again. So yes, up until about four or five years ago, I used to go to open mic nights.

Joe Rogan 36:11 What, what's fascinating about open mic nights is you're watching people try to figure out how to be funny. Like, you're watching people, like ... If you go to the store, like, tonight, and you, you, you go there, it's gonna be a packed house. It's all Chris D'Elia and fucking Andrew Santino and Ali Wong. It's all killers, you know?

Jeff Garlin 36:31 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 36:31 And you, you're seeing high-level comedy over and over again. And so you get, you, into that vibe and you're like, "Oh, this is a great place to be." But if you go to an open mic night, you're seeing this, like, primordial ooze. You're seeing-

Jeff Garlin 36:42 Well, you're seeing-

Joe Rogan 36:42 ... single-celled organisms.

Jeff Garlin 36:44 You're seeing things that you really shouldn't be seeing.

Joe Rogan 36:46 Sometimes.

Jeff Garlin 36:47 You know? Because-

Joe Rogan 36:48 Let's ... Every now and then you see a little glimmer.

Jeff Garlin 36:49 Because I explain to people, "Get as much sta- when you start, get as much stage time as you can without people seeing you."

Joe Rogan 36:55 ... that's good too. That's good. Very good advice.

Jeff Garlin 36:58 You're good too. But you need to go on stage over and over and over again.

Joe Rogan 37:01 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 37:01 But don't go on stage at any popular places. Go on stage at the suckiest... 'Cause you only learn from when you suck.

Joe Rogan 37:08 That's a big part of it, for sure. Yeah. That's one of the reasons why-

Jeff Garlin 37:10 Feels good to kill.

Joe Rogan 37:11 ... I really admired, uh, Charlie Murphy.

Jeff Garlin 37:13 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:13 'Cause Charlie Murphy was essentially a famous open-micer.

Jeff Garlin 37:18 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:18 When he started.

Jeff Garlin 37:19 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:19 I mean, when he started, he'd never done standup comedy ever, and then he was just a really funny actor who was the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time-

Jeff Garlin 37:27 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:27 ... who got on the Chappelle Show, and then started doing standup.

Jeff Garlin 37:30 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:30 And, you know, Charlie would just, just fucking do it. Just go and do it. And, you know, s- He had some rough sets too. Mm-hmm. When he was famous. Mm-hmm. Like, really famous.

Jeff Garlin 37:39 Oh, you think when I did, did those things that I didn't eat it plenty of times?

Joe Rogan 37:43 Oh, open mic nights?

Jeff Garlin 37:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:45 Everybody eats it there.

Jeff Garlin 37:46 And, and, but, but what I had was I was in control of myself-

Joe Rogan 37:50 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 37:51 ... and it didn't fall apart.

Joe Rogan 37:52 Right.

Jeff Garlin 37:53 Which, if you're an amateur, would fall apart.

Joe Rogan 37:55 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 37:55 But it does, it doesn't mean I did well.

Joe Rogan 37:57 Well, of course.

Jeff Garlin 37:58 As a matter of fact, I remember one time, Dice came into, uh, the store. This is probably four or five years ago, maybe five years ago. And, uh, he came up to me, he goes, "I'll go up after you." You know, uh, it was very respectful, very nice. And I said, "No, I really wanna follow you. I wanna see what that's like."

Joe Rogan 38:15 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 38:15 "I've never followed you. Please go up there and go for broke. Go for fucking broke. I go, 'How long you doing?'" He goes, "Oh, maybe a half hour." I go, "Great. Go up there for a half hour. I got nowhere to be. I'm gonna watch you, and then I want you just to fucking hold nothing back." And then I went up after him. You know how I did? Fine. Didn't do good, didn't do bad.

Joe Rogan 38:35 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 38:35 Did fine because I knew how to handle myself.

Joe Rogan 38:38 Right.

Jeff Garlin 38:38 My professionalism-

Joe Rogan 38:39 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 38:40 ... the craft of what I know won out.

Joe Rogan 38:42 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 38:43 But there's no following that with what I do, which is totally different and having the audience go, "Oh, this takes it to a whole new place." No.

Joe Rogan 38:52 Did you ever listen to The Day the Laughter Died?

Jeff Garlin 38:55 Yeah, uh, Rick Rubin's album with him?

Joe Rogan 38:57 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 38:57 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:57 Fucking phenomenal.

Jeff Garlin 38:59 Yeah, great album.

Joe Rogan 38:59 And it's just eating shit-

Jeff Garlin 39:01 Yeah, right, yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:01 ... for two hours. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 39:02 Two hours, I know.

Joe Rogan 39:03 He showed up at Dangerfield's. For people who don't know, it's w- literally... I will never forget. I was just starting out. I think he did this... L- look this up when that was. I wanna say it was like 1989, 1990.

Jeff Garlin 39:15 No, it was after that.

Joe Rogan 39:16 It was fairly early. It was fairly early-

Jeff Garlin 39:19 No, it was af- it was after that.

Joe Rogan 39:19 ... because I was very young in my career.

Jeff Garlin 39:21 Oh, no. It might have been then.

Joe Rogan 39:22 'Cause I was still living in Boston.

Jeff Garlin 39:23 No, no, it might have been then because-

Joe Rogan 39:26 1989.

Jeff Garlin 39:26 ... '89, yeah, because, um-

Joe Rogan 39:28 Okay.

Jeff Garlin 39:28 ... I was thinking about me living here now. But it was, it had came out the first time I lived here.

Joe Rogan 39:33 Well, I was living in Boston and I was just starting out, and there was a, a great comedian named Mike Donovan-

Jeff Garlin 39:39 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 39:39 ... who, to this day, is one of the funniest guys I've ever seen in my life. And, uh, Mike Donovan was laughing to the point where he couldn't breathe, at Dice doing this set while he was doing fucking stadiums. I mean, Dice was doing enormous... Nassau Coliseum. "What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh!"

Jeff Garlin 40:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:01 20,000 people. Yeah. He was the biggest comedian of all time.

Jeff Garlin 40:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:05 And he just decides to show up at Dangerfield's in New York City randomly, on like a Monday or Tuesday night. Doesn't tell anybody he's gonna be there. I mean, there's 13, 20 people in the crowd. He records two different sets, and he has no material. I mean, fucking none. He's making things up as he goes along. And people are getting angry at him and they're walking out. And he did a bit about Richard Nixon, about how he eats ass, and when he eats ass, he does it like Richard Nixon. He goes, like, "Oh, I love this fat fucking ass." (imitates Richard Nixon) He was doing this Richard Nixon impression of eating ass. And for whatever reason, Mike Donovan thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen in his life. He was wheezing, like couldn't breathe talking about Dice doing this impression. And I was like, "Wow, this is like comedy for comedians." But for the people that were in the audience, like a guy got up and goes, "You're about as funny as a glass of milk." The guy said that to him and then left. (laughs) Those are the best things on the album. These people from, like, Kansas. Go, "You're about as funny as a glass of milk," and walking off, and Dice shitting on them. It's... But to, to have the mindset to be at the... not just the top of his game, but literally the top of standup ever. No one before him had ever sold out Madison Square Garden multiple nights in a row the way he did. Mm-hmm. I mean, guys have done it since then, you know, Dane and Louie, and there's been- Mm-hmm. ... a bunch of guys who... Aziz. But no one did it like he did then. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He was the first ever to do that. Right. And to do that and then to record these fucking awful sets and then, "Put it out. We're gonna fucking put it out. Oh." (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 41:46 I guarantee, I guarantee that was Rick Rubin's idea.

Joe Rogan 41:49 You think so?

Jeff Garlin 41:50 Oh, without a doubt.

Joe Rogan 41:51 But you know Dice?

Jeff Garlin 41:52 I would wager...

Joe Rogan 41:52 Dice is like that.

Jeff Garlin 41:52 I know Dice and I know Rick Rubin.

Joe Rogan 41:53 I bet, I bet it was both of their ideas. I know, I'm telling you.

Jeff Garlin 41:56 Well, I, maybe he didn't fight Rick Rubin. I'll have to ask Rick Rubin next time I see him.

Joe Rogan 42:00 Yeah, ask him.

Jeff Garlin 42:00 I never asked him that. But that sounds to me like Rick Rubin going, "Let's do this."

Joe Rogan 42:05 Interesting. Yeah. It, but it was such a crazy bold move. I remember thinking at the time... Because I was terrible in 1989 when it came out. I was just, like, confused, like, "How does one do that?" Mm-hmm. Like, one is so confident that they release something that sucked. Mm-hmm. 'Cause I had this... I, I was, uh, when I was 19, it's me and my girlfriend Marta. Me and Marta were sitting in, uh, our, my car. Mm-hmm. And I had a cassette player and we're listening to Dice. It was just called Dice. And crying laughing, crying laughing. This was before I'd ever done standup. And I remember thinking, "Wow, this guy is fucking something." Like, what it, what it... Like, the, the amount of power that he had, like, on stage and these roars from the l- the crowd. And we're sitting in my car laughing our asses off to this c- this cassette. It wasn't even a CD. Um, that, a couple years later, he decides, "Eh, I'm just gonna put out something that sucks."... (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 43:00 The day that comedy died.

Joe Rogan 43:01 The day that laughter died, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 43:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:02 And he's got like one of them fucking paper boy hats on-

Jeff Garlin 43:05 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 43:06 ... on the cover.

Jeff Garlin 43:07 No, it's a- it's a-

Joe Rogan 43:08 It's a- it's a bold black and white.

Jeff Garlin 43:09 A bold... But the cover's black-

Joe Rogan 43:09 Cover's black and white.

Jeff Garlin 43:10 ... and there's-

Joe Rogan 43:11 And then-

Jeff Garlin 43:11 ... just a little picture of him on there.

Joe Rogan 43:12 Is that what it is?

Jeff Garlin 43:13 On there in the second. Yeah, a small picture, I think. Or maybe it's a big picture of him.

Joe Rogan 43:16 There it is right there.

Jeff Garlin 43:17 I don't remember. Oh, no, it's a big picture.

Joe Rogan 43:18 We should get a... Oh yeah, so it's a... But it is small in comparison to the-

Jeff Garlin 43:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:22 ... actual CD.

Jeff Garlin 43:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:24 See if we can get... Jamie, um, let's get a framed copy of that and put it on the wall somewhere. Was it released as a album? Like on- I don't know. Let's get the image.

Jeff Garlin 43:35 Yeah, it's guaranteed... I guarantee there's vinyl. Guaranteed.

Joe Rogan 43:37 Yeah, yeah. Let's get f- find a... See if we could buy it in vinyl. Let's frame it.

Jeff Garlin 43:40 Look on eBay right now for the day that, uh...

Joe Rogan 43:43 They did it again. (laughs) He did it again? (laughs) Three years later. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 43:48 Really? This is part two.

Joe Rogan 43:48 He did the same thing? This is part two, yeah. (laughs) I've seen him do that at the store. I've seen him go up late night at the store, like, "Look at you. Look at you over there." And just start talking shit to people.

Jeff Garlin 44:02 Mm.

Joe Rogan 44:02 Like mean dice is my favorite.

Jeff Garlin 44:02 Why does he wear weightlifting gloves whenever he's going anywhere?

Joe Rogan 44:05 He doesn't like the touch of people's hands.

Jeff Garlin 44:06 Is that what it is?

Joe Rogan 44:07 Yeah, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 44:07 Oh, okay.

Joe Rogan 44:08 Yeah. And Big J Oakerson wears weightlifting gloves in homage because he's-

Jeff Garlin 44:12 To dice?

Joe Rogan 44:12 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 44:13 That's hilarious.

Joe Rogan 44:14 He's a huge dice fan.

Jeff Garlin 44:14 I didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 44:14 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 44:15 That's great.

Joe Rogan 44:15 Yeah, I was trying to get the two of them together on a podcast but scheduling wise it never really worked out.

Jeff Garlin 44:19 You're not shaking, uh, dice's hands.

Joe Rogan 44:20 There's a photo on the vinyl. Oh. It's available for 400 bucks on Amazon. Oh, buy that shit.

Jeff Garlin 44:26 No, no, go-

Joe Rogan 44:27 Buy that shit. We're gonna frame it.

Jeff Garlin 44:28 400 bucks? I'll, I'll go to dice.

Joe Rogan 44:30 He might not have it.

Jeff Garlin 44:31 Yeah, I guarantee he's got it. Hey, yeah, you pay for lunch, I'll give you the, the, the album.

Joe Rogan 44:37 Have you ever seen his Instagram? You ever go to dice's Instagram?

Jeff Garlin 44:39 No.

Joe Rogan 44:40 It's hilarious. It's just so random. It's like an older, rich, famous guy-

Jeff Garlin 44:46 He lives by me.

Joe Rogan 44:46 ... who does whatever the fuck he wants.

Jeff Garlin 44:47 I'm supposed to have had coffee or lunch with him a million times, I never have.

Joe Rogan 44:51 It's one of those things. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 44:53 Well, no, it just n- it never happened.

Joe Rogan 44:54 Right.

Jeff Garlin 44:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:56 Yeah. He, um, his Instagram-

Jeff Garlin 44:57 He's a nice gentleman.

Joe Rogan 44:58 ... is him, like, with- with a Gold's Gym t-shirt on (laughs) with crazy sunglasses and he'll do like these little sketches but they're so random and weird. Like him talking to a girl like, "Maybe, uh, we should do something later," and the girl's like, "Okay." Like, click on this. Play this. This is like his... This is his whole thing.

Jeff Garlin 45:19 Do you like skateboarding? I was thinking about it.

Joe Rogan 45:22 (laughs) Skateboarding? Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 45:23 Yeah, maybe we should do that.

Joe Rogan 45:25 That'd be a good time.

Jeff Garlin 45:28 Can you cook dinner is the original question? Why don't you stay out of this?

Joe Rogan 45:31 I didn't-

Jeff Garlin 45:31 He doesn't even know how to use the phone. What's your name?

Joe Rogan 45:36 Nicole.

Jeff Garlin 45:36 What?

Joe Rogan 45:37 Nicole.

Jeff Garlin 45:38 Nicole. All right. I'll ca- I'll call you. I gotta go take care of something.

Joe Rogan 45:41 All right, have a good day. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 45:43 Shit, dude. That was the end of it.

Joe Rogan 45:45 Oh, that's the end of it? A- afterwards he goes... He's got another one, a follow-up, where he gets mad at himself for not doing anything about it. Like go to the next video (laughs) . That's not it. There's another... There. Play this one (laughs) .

Jeff Garlin 46:00 What a beautiful night, huh? Beautiful. See?

Joe Rogan 46:07 It's Eleanor (laughs) . It's just, just so random.

Jeff Garlin 46:09 What a beautiful night, huh?

Joe Rogan 46:11 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 46:11 That's Whatson. She's a comedian, right?

Joe Rogan 46:13 Eleanor Kerrigan, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 46:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:14 They're so random. The videos are s-... I guess the- the text in that video was like, "I should have done something. What's wrong with me?"

Jeff Garlin 46:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:22 It's... But this is him, "Why did I leave? I'm so dumb." (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 46:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:27 But they're so random. It's like what is he doing? He's just-

Jeff Garlin 46:31 Being dice.

Joe Rogan 46:32 He's just being d-... He used to do that at the store. He used to have comics do these little sketches. He'd go, "Okay, you're gonna run through the- the door there and you're gonna knock him over and you're gonna go, 'What the fuck?' Okay, go." And the guy would do it, he'd run into the door and knock the other guy over and he'd go, "What the fuck?" He'll go, "Perfect, do it again." And he would just... He would just film this with like VHS tape. You know, like an old school one.

Jeff Garlin 46:55 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 46:56 And then he would edit it together himself. But he did nothing with it. And this was like... Dice was giant. Just fucking top of the world giant. And this is what he's doing to amuse himself.

Jeff Garlin 47:07 But I love the fact that the comics would just do it.

Joe Rogan 47:10 Ah, Jesus Christ, you're just so happy dice is talking to you.

Jeff Garlin 47:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:13 He's the reason why I started doing The Road.

Jeff Garlin 47:15 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 47:15 I would just do the store all the time. I was constantly at the store. And one time when in the back he goes, "Hey, you're funny, you know, you should do The Road." I go, "Yeah?" He goes, "Yeah." He goes, "You don't want to rely on these fucking assholes for money." He goes, "You can fucking do whatever you want. Go do The Road." And I was like, "Yeah, why don't I do The Road?" 'Cause I was just doing TV shows. And then, you know, d- you're doing TV shows, you're kind of trapped in this... This is how you make your living-

Jeff Garlin 47:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:38 ... you got to kind of always be acting and always be going on auditions. I was like, "Yeah." I was... 'Cause I wasn't making... You don't make real money at the store. You make like 15 bucks a set or whatever you make, you know.

Jeff Garlin 47:47 Yeah. I- I've spent... I, uh, one year I never collected a check and then they never had them again.

Joe Rogan 47:53 At the store?

Jeff Garlin 47:53 Yeah, I probably... I- I'm- I'm guessing with the number of sets I did probably about $2500, $5000.

Joe Rogan 47:59 Probably donated. Donated back to the club.

Jeff Garlin 48:02 Yeah, donated back to the club as in I donated it to any charity by... On behalf of the store.

Joe Rogan 48:07 Yeah. No, not a charity. You're donating to the charity of the store.

Jeff Garlin 48:10 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 48:10 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 48:11 I don't care.

Joe Rogan 48:12 I don't care either.

Jeff Garlin 48:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:13 Yeah. It's a good- good- good donation.

Jeff Garlin 48:16 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 48:17 Yeah, that's a... The place is a fascinating place, really. I was gone for seven years and, you know, I've been back for four now and it's, uh, it is just, uh...

Jeff Garlin 48:29 I love the original room.

Joe Rogan 48:31 Oh, it's incredible.

Jeff Garlin 48:31 That's the room that's got it going.

Joe Rogan 48:34 The main... Well, I love all three.

Jeff Garlin 48:35 I don't.

Joe Rogan 48:36 They're all different.

Jeff Garlin 48:37 The belly room's okay and the main room irri-... By the way, the main room, performing in the main room does not bother me. I hate the green room.

Joe Rogan 48:44 Really?

Jeff Garlin 48:45 Hate it.

Joe Rogan 48:46 Why?

Jeff Garlin 48:46 The cocaine piano in the middle of the room and-

Joe Rogan 48:48 It's the best piano.

Jeff Garlin 48:49 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:50 The fake piano.

Jeff Garlin 48:50 But the point being is most of those people I don't want to see.

Joe Rogan 48:53 Oh, hanging around back there?

Jeff Garlin 48:55 Yeah, they irritate me.

Joe Rogan 48:56 Yeah. I know what you mean.

Jeff Garlin 48:56 There's just such a negative vibe.

Joe Rogan 48:58 Really?

Jeff Garlin 48:58 And I think that there's, uh, a lot of comedians that play there that are a big ball of dead weight.

Joe Rogan 49:03 Whoa.

Jeff Garlin 49:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:04 Wow. I don't want to name any names.

Jeff Garlin 49:06 But there's a lot of... But, but, but there's a lot that are joyful and great and I dig and I like watching and my favorite thing to do is laugh at my fellow comedians. But on the flip side, some people just, man, their- their- their presence just depresses me.

Joe Rogan 49:21 Wow, interesting.

Jeff Garlin 49:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:22 I don't feel that.

Jeff Garlin 49:23 Okay.

Joe Rogan 49:25 Maybe do an impression of-

Jeff Garlin 49:26 No. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:28 (laughs) Just mime it. Mime like-

Jeff Garlin 49:31 No.

Joe Rogan 49:31 ... mime what they're doing.

Jeff Garlin 49:32 No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. But some really, I think, um, yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:38 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 49:38 Because, you know, the thing when I started in comedy, which was '82, working through, comedians really were a group that stuck together.

Joe Rogan 49:46 You don't think that's the case now?

Jeff Garlin 49:48 No. I think that w-

Joe Rogan 49:48 Wow, that's interesting.

Jeff Garlin 49:49 ... I think for the past... I think it started changing in late '90s, 2000s, to where it was every man for himself. And a lot of people... It wasn't like you're part of this fraternity. It was like, "Fuck you, I'm gonna do this," you know. My thing with competition is, uh, go do your thing. If the audience digs you more, great. If I'm auditioning and you're auditioning, go beat me in the room.

Joe Rogan 50:16 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 50:16 I don't give a crap. But there's such a competitiveness. And I know that's part of why Eddie doesn't do spots, because-

Joe Rogan 50:25 Eddie Murphy?

Jeff Garlin 50:25 Eddie Murphy. Be- because when I worked with him, I would say-

Joe Rogan 50:28 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 50:28 ... "Why don't you go..." He- he'd say, "The, the looks that I get and the vibe that I get from comics, it's not pleasant." And I go, "I know exactly what he was talking about."

Joe Rogan 50:36 That's so weird. I have the exact opposite feeling about-

Jeff Garlin 50:41 Well, good.

Joe Rogan 50:41 ... comedy now and about, it's particular, like The Store and like the comradery of that place.

Jeff Garlin 50:47 (smacks lips) I don't, I don't get it. By the way, I dig a lot of people there. But the people who I dig know I dig 'em.

Joe Rogan 50:53 Right.

Jeff Garlin 50:53 And I... And the, the other ones who I don't dig don't know anything. It's not like I spend time being negative.

Joe Rogan 50:58 Right, of course. Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 50:59 But there's lots of guys and gals that are great, but-

Joe Rogan 51:02 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 51:03 ... also plenty of 'em that, like, please step away.

Joe Rogan 51:06 I was having a conversation about this with a friend of mine recently, uh, who was living for a while in a place that he hated, and he was saying that if you're in a place where everyone's negative, you really kind of forget that people can be positive.

Jeff Garlin 51:18 Without a doubt.

Joe Rogan 51:19 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 51:19 So why should I leave The Comedy Store in at least half of the times I play there, leaving there, driving home, feeling like, not positive?

Joe Rogan 51:27 That's so weird when-

Jeff Garlin 51:28 Where- whereas-

Joe Rogan 51:29 ... you're not-

Jeff Garlin 51:29 By the way, I sometimes now arrange it. The only set that I do at The Comedy Store now is I sometimes will close the seven o'clock original room show.

Joe Rogan 51:39 Hmm.

Jeff Garlin 51:39 Uh, 'cause there's no one after me, so if I'm five minutes long, no one's giving a crap.

Joe Rogan 51:44 Right.

Jeff Garlin 51:45 And they've already seen the whole show. There's no... It just... And I can do that, zip in, do it, and get the hell out.

Joe Rogan 51:51 Hmm.

Jeff Garlin 51:52 I'll do a benefit in the, in the, uh, main room or, like I did, uh, watch, uh, Tony's show.

Joe Rogan 51:58 Right, Kill Tony.

Jeff Garlin 51:59 Kill Tony, yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:00 Yeah. We gotta bring you into the fold, Jeff Garlin.

Jeff Garlin 52:02 Bring what into the fold?

Joe Rogan 52:02 Bring you into the fold of the nice people.

Jeff Garlin 52:04 I'm a pla- I've been... By the way-

Joe Rogan 52:05 Bring you into the fold.

Jeff Garlin 52:06 By the way, I, I know the nice, we have nice conversations with 'em, but the other people are always there hovering.

Joe Rogan 52:12 Hmm. The hoverers.

Jeff Garlin 52:13 I don't like a go- I don't like a hoverer.

Joe Rogan 52:15 No. Hoverers, I mean-

Jeff Garlin 52:16 Stop hovering.

Joe Rogan 52:17 That is brutal when you're having a good conversation-

Jeff Garlin 52:19 And by the way, if you're not into a group, if your group is not about making people laugh... Like, I don't care whether you're political, social, what, what... How you do your comedy. But if your ultimate goal isn't to bring joy into people's lives, what's the purpose?

Joe Rogan 52:37 Right.

Jeff Garlin 52:37 If it's not about the laughs and joy...

Joe Rogan 52:40 Right.

Jeff Garlin 52:40 And so I find... Here's the thing I don't dig. A lot of ego running around The Store when I'm there. And most of the people I don't like have the biggest egos. The-

Joe Rogan 52:50 Do you think that they're threatened by you?

Jeff Garlin 52:51 The most confident people-

Joe Rogan 52:53 Because you're a very accomplished guy, so maybe that's why you're getting that wei- weird vibe from people?

Jeff Garlin 52:57 Okay. I've been told that before, but if I thought that, that would be weird. So I don't, I don't pay attention to that.

Joe Rogan 53:01 Right. Maybe... Well, that's 'cause you're, you're a pretty humble guy.

Jeff Garlin 53:03 You know, there's a great line... I'm not an a- I'm not an alcoholic, but I do know this line from the program, which is, "What you think of me is none of my business," which I love.

Joe Rogan 53:13 That's a great perspective.

Jeff Garlin 53:15 Great perspective. So what they think of me is none of my business. I just know what they're putting out there.

Joe Rogan 53:20 Hmm.

Jeff Garlin 53:21 That's all.

Joe Rogan 53:22 Yeah. I think sometimes people will look at you and go, "Well, here's a guy who's been on, I mean, some of the all-time greatest television shows ever." You know, you're, you're a guy that's got a massive, like... Your, your, your resume, your accomplishments as a comic and performer-

Jeff Garlin 53:37 Yes.

Joe Rogan 53:38 ... is very enviable. So maybe perhaps they see you and they-

Jeff Garlin 53:41 But I- I-

Joe Rogan 53:41 ... they're like, "This guy's in."

Jeff Garlin 53:42 ... look at myself as a generous guy on every level. I like being generous and I like helping comics, you know, sticking my hand out, doing what I can to help. So I don't feel that I put anything that they should be fearful of out.

Joe Rogan 53:58 No, but I think it's their own issue. I mean, I remember when I was-

Jeff Garlin 54:01 But... Yes. Yes.

Joe Rogan 54:02 ... when I was starting out, I would get real uncomfortable when I was around really famous people. I'd be like, "Wow, this is w- it feels weird to be around this guy in real life." You know?

Jeff Garlin 54:10 I get that. That can be.

Joe Rogan 54:11 But when I've met-

Jeff Garlin 54:12 But you meet the people-

Joe Rogan 54:12 ... you, you've always been very, very friendly, easy to talk to.

Jeff Garlin 54:15 That's what I wanna be. I'm, I, I like to be a warm, thoughtful person, who most of the time prefers to stay at home.

Joe Rogan 54:21 Yeah. (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 54:22 But if I'm gonna go out, if I'm gonna go to the farmer's market, if I'm gonna go to The Comedy Store-

Joe Rogan 54:27 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 54:27 ... I'm prepared to talk to people, take pictures of people, be warm to people, engage with people. 'Cause if I don't want that, I stay home.

Joe Rogan 54:35 Right.

Jeff Garlin 54:36 And so if I'm in a negative, bad mood, um, I really will go do my set and get out, but that doesn't happen very often. But I'll stay home.

Joe Rogan 54:46 Yeah, that's why you need-

Jeff Garlin 54:46 Stay home.

Joe Rogan 54:47 ... that downtime, right?

Jeff Garlin 54:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:48 Because you gotta be able to recharge.

Jeff Garlin 54:50 Gotta be able to recharge.

Joe Rogan 54:51 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 54:51 And I never... I used to not allow myself that. I used to be working so hard.

Joe Rogan 54:55 I was reading this article yesterday about Tom Cruise-

Jeff Garlin 54:57 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 54:58 ... about Tom Cruise's life being very strange. (phone ringing) Jesus Christ, Jeff Garland. What is going on with your phone? Who's that-

Jeff Garlin 55:04 Oh, it's my brother.

Joe Rogan 55:05 ... ringer? Who's that?

Jeff Garlin 55:06 It's a theme to A Man and A Woman. << Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, doo-doo-doo, da-da-da >>

Joe Rogan 55:13 I don't even know what A Man and A Woman is.

Jeff Garlin 55:15 It's a, it's a, it's a French movie.

Joe Rogan 55:18 Jesus Christ.

Jeff Garlin 55:18 Um, but hold on a second here. Let me-

Joe Rogan 55:19 How am I supposed to know that?

Jeff Garlin 55:21 But I actually-

Joe Rogan 55:22 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 55:22 I actually sing that with, you know, Jeff, who plays piano in The Originals?

Joe Rogan 55:26 Jeff, yes. Jeff R- Richards.

Jeff Garlin 55:27 (clears throat) Not Jeff Richards.

Joe Rogan 55:28 Jeff, um-

Jeff Garlin 55:29 ... Jeff, Jeff Scott.

Joe Rogan 55:30 Scott, Scott.

Jeff Garlin 55:31 He and I-

Joe Rogan 55:31 Why is it Jeff Richards?

Jeff Garlin 55:32 ... he'll start... I'll look at him and I'll go, "I'm not singing tonight," and the audience most of the time goes, "Aw."

Joe Rogan 55:37 Aw.

Jeff Garlin 55:37 As if I'm known for singing!

Joe Rogan 55:38 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 55:38 Which I make fun of them.

Joe Rogan 55:39 You're a Barry Diamond.

Jeff Garlin 55:40 But then in the middle of the show, I'll just look at him and go, (singing in French) . And I sing, and then when I'm done, I tell the audience, uh, that I'm, uh, very accomplished at French gibberish, which is what it is.

Joe Rogan 55:55 Hm.

Jeff Garlin 55:55 Um, but yeah, it's a great song.

Joe Rogan 55:57 So, do you have custom ringtones for when different people call you?

Jeff Garlin 56:00 No, I just have a theme from-

Joe Rogan 56:01 That's the one?

Jeff Garlin 56:02 ... Minimus. And generally, my ringer's off, which it's off now. Last thing I was listening to was Buddy Guy.

Joe Rogan 56:06 Ah!

Jeff Garlin 56:07 The blues is alive and well. Buddy Guy's newest album, he's, uh, I think, about to turn 82. I'm gonna go to Chicago for his birthday.

Joe Rogan 56:14 He just put out a new album and he's 82?

Jeff Garlin 56:15 Just put it out. And it's a badass album.

Joe Rogan 56:17 Of course it is.

Jeff Garlin 56:18 Oh, he rips it, the whole album.

Joe Rogan 56:19 Of course he does.

Jeff Garlin 56:19 He's amazing. But that inspires me to still... By the way, everything about aging is about relevancy. How are you contributing?

Joe Rogan 56:28 Right. Like George Carlin. No one cared-

Jeff Garlin 56:30 George Carlin.

Joe Rogan 56:30 ... that George Carlin was-

Jeff Garlin 56:31 Doesn't matter.

Joe Rogan 56:31 ... 75 or whatever he was.

Jeff Garlin 56:33 Doesn't matter.

Joe Rogan 56:33 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 56:33 He's relevant.

Joe Rogan 56:34 He's still Carlin.

Jeff Garlin 56:34 He's contributing.

Joe Rogan 56:35 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 56:35 That's what I aspire to.

Joe Rogan 56:37 Mm.

Jeff Garlin 56:37 Relevancy, to contribute-

Joe Rogan 56:39 Right.

Jeff Garlin 56:39 ... to mankind, to my art, to everything.

Joe Rogan 56:42 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 56:42 So, I'll never be, like, you know... If someone says, "Who's that old dude?" And I'm not doing anything, based on what I'm aspiring to do, that's their issue.

Joe Rogan 56:52 Right, right, right.

Jeff Garlin 56:52 You know?

Joe Rogan 56:53 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 56:53 Because I will be, to my best ability, relevant.

Joe Rogan 56:57 That's an interesting perspective because the, it's really true, but it's something that people don't think about. You know, it's like, like rock stars in particular. Like, no one looks at Mick Jagger and goes, "Why is that guy still doing it?" Because when you watch him do it, you're like, "Oh, Jesus, he's still doing it."

Jeff Garlin 57:10 He's still doing it.

Joe Rogan 57:11 He's like, "Button your lip, baby!"

Jeff Garlin 57:12 Yes, watching him live is ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 57:15 "Button your coat!"

Jeff Garlin 57:15 And by the way, he really moves, no kidding around, like, at the oldest, 30.

Joe Rogan 57:21 No, he moves phenomenal.

Jeff Garlin 57:22 Like, it's ridiculous, and he's 71?

Joe Rogan 57:25 70-something, still shooting loads into hot models.

Jeff Garlin 57:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:28 He had a baby recently.

Jeff Garlin 57:29 That's my stage name, by the way.

Joe Rogan 57:30 Ah, yeah, yeah. Is it?

Jeff Garlin 57:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:31 That's my band.

Jeff Garlin 57:32 Oh.

Joe Rogan 57:32 How do you have that stage name and that's my band's name?

Jeff Garlin 57:34 I didn't license it though.

Joe Rogan 57:36 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 57:36 So, I'll give it back to you. I ap- my apologies.

Joe Rogan 57:39 Bruce Springsteen's another one. Springsteen's in his 60s, looks phenomenal.

Jeff Garlin 57:41 By the way, I saw that show. I saw that show.

Joe Rogan 57:44 Yeah?

Jeff Garlin 57:44 And I, my jaw was on the floor. I could not believe that show.

Joe Rogan 57:47 His Broadway show?

Jeff Garlin 57:48 His Broadway show. It was- He's 74. ... one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

Joe Rogan 57:51 74? He turns tomorrow.

Jeff Garlin 57:53 Yeah, 75 tomorrow. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:54 Jesus Christ. And he works out, I believe, twice a day every day.

Jeff Garlin 58:00 Does he really?

Joe Rogan 58:00 He does yoga and he trains with weights and all... See if you can find Mick Jagger shirtless, uh, as an old man.

Jeff Garlin 58:08 I'm sure there's a ton.

Joe Rogan 58:10 Yeah, but I mean, like, recent, right? Mick Jagger shirt-

Jeff Garlin 58:13 Well Then go to tools, go to tools, to the right, and, and then go to, uh, yeah, time. Yeah, there we go. That's the old pic.

Joe Rogan 58:23 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 58:23 I know, but, uh-

Joe Rogan 58:24 See, write recent. See if you can find a recent one. There's a lot of pictures of him with his clothes off. Jesus Christ, Mick.

Jeff Garlin 58:33 There's a pic. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:33 Put a fucking shirt on, huh?

Jeff Garlin 58:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:35 What are you, a hot model?

Jeff Garlin 58:37 Yeah, he's a interesting man.

Joe Rogan 58:39 There we go.

Jeff Garlin 58:39 But there's, that's why I say to you, there's always exceptions.

Joe Rogan 58:41 Yeah, far right. What do you got there? Is that ham-

Jeff Garlin 58:44 That's, that's Mick Jonas. That's a model.

Joe Rogan 58:45 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 58:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:46 Well, that's not Mick Jagger, you son of a bitch.

Jeff Garlin 58:48 That's him at 40 with a beard. I know that for sure. So, that's the oldest one I've seen.

Joe Rogan 58:53 Hm, okay. Well, either way, the guy is, uh-

Jeff Garlin 58:56 No, he's, he's ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 58:57 ... crazy, but-

Jeff Garlin 58:58 But his movements are what's amazing. His voice has not... I think is still amazing. And the way he moves.

Joe Rogan 59:05 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 59:05 It's so fluid. It's so beautiful.

Joe Rogan 59:07 He does a lot of yoga, I'm pretty sure.

Jeff Garlin 59:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:09 Uh, google his workout, Mick Jagger's workout, 'cause, um, he's incredibly disciplined apparently.

Jeff Garlin 59:15 And then look up, uh, Barnaby Jones reunion.

Joe Rogan 59:18 Oh.

Jeff Garlin 59:18 Just outta curiosity.

Joe Rogan 59:19 Is that coming?

Jeff Garlin 59:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:21 Look at him. Look at that right there.

Jeff Garlin 59:23 Nice.

Joe Rogan 59:24 Takes up yoga at 73. There you go.

Jeff Garlin 59:26 Oh, is that what he did?

Joe Rogan 59:27 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 59:28 Oh, I should... Oh, he takes up aerial yoga. I guess doing it on the ground didn't work for him enough anymore.

Joe Rogan 59:34 Yeah, not enough.

Jeff Garlin 59:34 He needed to take it to a new level. That's just ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 59:38 Yeah. Incredible. Mick Jagger diet and exercise program.

Jeff Garlin 59:41 Live long and stay young.

Joe Rogan 59:43 Live long and stay young.

Jeff Garlin 59:43 What if he only eats peppers?

Joe Rogan 59:47 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 59:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:48 I was just in Thailand, and, um, when you go to the bathroom, right by the toilet, they literally have one of those garden hoses that you would wash a car with.

Jeff Garlin 59:57 For your ass.

Joe Rogan 59:58 They don't even play with bidets 'cause with those peppers, when you're eating that Thai food, like the kind of splatter that you're creating, they're like, "Let's just, let's be honest, toilet paper is not good enough. You're gonna need to hose down some."

Jeff Garlin 1:00:10 But won't it, won't it be funny if there's a guy waiting outside the bathroom to explain that to you? You just walk out and he, he says to you, "You're probably a little confused, but toilet paper's not good for you." Like, it doesn't matter, right?

Joe Rogan 1:00:19 That explains nothing there. There's something that I put up on my, uh, Instagram today about a sign that I saw that said, "Please don't pee on the floor." And I'm like, how many people have to pee on the floor before you put a sign up that says, "Please don't pee on the floor"?

Jeff Garlin 1:00:32 And by the way, if you're a person who pees on the floor, are you really gonna go, "Oh, I was going to."

Joe Rogan 1:00:37 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:00:37 "But now I'm not at all. I'm stopping the floor peeing."

Joe Rogan 1:00:40 Exactly, exactly. It's like, "Please don't rape."

Jeff Garlin 1:00:43 By the way, the truth is about floor peeing, it, it... Pee ends up on the floor.

Joe Rogan 1:00:49 Some does.

Jeff Garlin 1:00:49 Yeah, some does.

Joe Rogan 1:00:50 Yeah, for dudes.

Jeff Garlin 1:00:51 Yeah, for dudes.

Joe Rogan 1:00:52 Yeah. Another thing I read that, uh, that's very honest that I've read that I agree with, some guy said because of smartphones, I, I pee sitting down much more than I would like to admit.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:02 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:02 That's a fact.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:03 We did an episode about that on, uh, Curb Your Enthusiasm about people peeing...

Joe Rogan 1:01:05 Yeah, because you sit down and be like, "Well, I'll just take a shit and if it doesn't come out, I'll just pee and I'll read my phone."

Jeff Garlin 1:01:10 Yeah, I guess.

Joe Rogan 1:01:11 I'll just read stuff.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:13 You guess.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:14 No, I ge- Look, people with their phones, that's a whole thing for me.

Joe Rogan 1:01:17 You got a problem with phones?

Jeff Garlin 1:01:19 A- As a tool? No, I do not. But as a avoiding being in the present, I do.

Joe Rogan 1:01:26 Yeah, they're addictive.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:27 They're addictive.

Joe Rogan 1:01:28 They're very addictive.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:29 And by the way, I gotta be honest.... I don't remember the last show where somebody didn't pull out their phone.

Joe Rogan 1:01:35 The last show? Like when, when you were doing standup?

Jeff Garlin 1:01:37 Some people are texting. People are-

Joe Rogan 1:01:39 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:39 Someone is. Even if it's one person-

Joe Rogan 1:01:41 Right.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:41 ... I can't even remember somebody not doing that and that's the ulti- that's so disrespectful.

Joe Rogan 1:01:46 Well, one of the things I did before my last, um, Netflix special that I filmed in April was I, I went on tour for three months where you had to use those cell phone bags.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:55 Oh, you did those?

Joe Rogan 1:01:55 Those Yondr bags, yeah.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:56 They're a giant fucking pain in the ass.

Jeff Garlin 1:01:59 Ar, by, by the way, uh, I, I play a lot at Largo.

Joe Rogan 1:02:02 Uh-huh.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:03 And I, I would just make an announcement and then if someone does, you kick them out.

Joe Rogan 1:02:08 No, I mean, some people just feel like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I gotta just answer this text. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I just gotta do this."

Jeff Garlin 1:02:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:13 "Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I, I'm a big fan. I'm gonna take a picture."

Jeff Garlin 1:02:16 Oh, yeah, yeah, but it's-

Joe Rogan 1:02:16 "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Jeff Garlin 1:02:16 "Yeah, but," but my response is, "Yeah, yeah, but I'll see you later."

Joe Rogan 1:02:20 Yeah, there's a, there's an issue. Um, but what I was gonna say is-

Jeff Garlin 1:02:23 There is.

Joe Rogan 1:02:23 ... that it's a big pain in the ass, those Yondr bags, but the show was like 10% better.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:28 Because no one had their phone and you'd sit there and you would actually be connected to the show.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:32 But people are like, "Yeah, but what if I got a fucking plan later? What if I got a this? What if I got a text coming in from Parker?"

Jeff Garlin 1:02:38 What's that character's name?

Joe Rogan 1:02:39 I don't have one.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:40 You don't have a name for the character?

Joe Rogan 1:02:41 Doug.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:41 Oh, okay. I was thinking of another one.

Joe Rogan 1:02:42 No, but I don't... That's Stanhope. No, uh-

Jeff Garlin 1:02:44 Toby. Toby.

Joe Rogan 1:02:45 Okay, Toby.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:45 That's Toby.

Joe Rogan 1:02:46 Okay.

Jeff Garlin 1:02:46 This is Toby.

Joe Rogan 1:02:46 Toby can play-

Jeff Garlin 1:02:47 "Wait, what if I got a, what if I got a call coming in?"

Joe Rogan 1:02:49 Yeah. "Hey, Toby."

Jeff Garlin 1:02:50 "Bro, I gotta leave the show to answer the phone?"

Joe Rogan 1:02:52 Toby, which of your Pirates of the Caribbean movie is your favorite?

Jeff Garlin 1:02:55 Uh, all of them. I'm a fucking huge Johnny Depp fan.

Joe Rogan 1:02:58 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:02:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:02:59 Um, I, one of the reasons why I did it because, um, 'cause Chappelle was telling me how much he enjoys it and, uh, Hannibal, Hannibal Buress, was telling me how much he enjoys using those bags too. But another reason was this woman complained that, um, when she went to my New Year's show that some girl behind her made two separate phone calls and was saying, "Happy New Year," to people during the show. During the show. She's like, "This stupid fucking bitch was making phone calls while the show was going on."

Jeff Garlin 1:03:26 By the way, I've, I've, I've been behind-

Joe Rogan 1:03:29 Mmm.

Jeff Garlin 1:03:29 ... in front of, next to that person.

Joe Rogan 1:03:31 That's a crazy thing to do. To me, uh, you're at a performance, a live performance, and you're calling people and talking to them on- or even answering the phone and talking on the phone.

Jeff Garlin 1:03:39 But, uh, I think if you have signs with a stern language saying you'll be... No, I, I'm saying-

Joe Rogan 1:03:45 That's like peeing on the floor, bro.

Jeff Garlin 1:03:46 No, but I gotta be honest with you.

Joe Rogan 1:03:47 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:03:47 I, I really respect my audience and I really think that that would eliminate the handful of people that would be douchey.

Joe Rogan 1:03:55 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 1:03:55 I think most... Because I play at Largo a lot.

Joe Rogan 1:03:57 Mm-hmm.

Jeff Garlin 1:03:57 And at Largo, they make the announcement and I have, I have never seen anyone during my show pull out their cell phone.

Joe Rogan 1:04:03 Largo is exceptional. That's an exceptional place.

Jeff Garlin 1:04:05 Yeah, but, but you can create an exceptional vibe-

Joe Rogan 1:04:09 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 1:04:09 ... w- in your audience with, by respecting them.

Joe Rogan 1:04:11 I certainly agree. Um-

Jeff Garlin 1:04:12 It's like, it's like, you know when I go someplace and they want to put a stamp on my hands? I just go, "No, no, no, no."

Joe Rogan 1:04:17 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:04:18 No. There'll be no stamps on my hands. And do you know what the doorman usually says?

Joe Rogan 1:04:22 What?

Jeff Garlin 1:04:23 "Okay."

Joe Rogan 1:04:24 Really?

Jeff Garlin 1:04:24 Yeah. So when they do not l- I don't really drink alcohol, so but, so but like if I go to the bar and order a drink, the guy's gonna look for my stamp.

Joe Rogan 1:04:32 Mmm.

Jeff Garlin 1:04:32 Point being is fuck all that. I gotta have respect for people.

Joe Rogan 1:04:35 What if you go to like a musical festival-

Jeff Garlin 1:04:36 If I see... Oh, it's like-

Joe Rogan 1:04:37 ... and they wanna put a wristband on you?

Jeff Garlin 1:04:37 It's like also when you go to the bathroom and they have the sinks. I don't mind the sinks where it senses your hand, even though it doesn't always do it. But, man, those ti- those ones where you push down and you get 10 seconds, that's so disrespectful. It's wrong.

Joe Rogan 1:04:53 Wrong?

Jeff Garlin 1:04:53 Wrong.

Joe Rogan 1:04:54 Really?

Jeff Garlin 1:04:54 Wrong to mankind.

Joe Rogan 1:04:56 You know what bothers me?

Jeff Garlin 1:04:57 What's that?

Joe Rogan 1:04:57 When you wave your hand on a thing and it gives you a tiny little strip of paper.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:01 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:01 Beep.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:02 A little stingy ass piece of paper to dry your hand with.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:04 Yeah, you gotta wave for the second time.

Joe Rogan 1:05:05 Give me a real fucking piece of paper, bitch.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:07 But you know what's great? Those powerful new blow ones.

Joe Rogan 1:05:10 No, those are no good.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:11 I dig them.

Joe Rogan 1:05:11 There was an article that, uh, I tweeted about those things.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:14 What is it?

Joe Rogan 1:05:14 But the problem is there's like shit dust in the air from people and all the bacteria.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:19 All right, enough of this. We gotta stop.

Joe Rogan 1:05:19 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:05:19 Wait, wait, by the way, let me ask you, the premise of the shit dust thing there.

Joe Rogan 1:05:22 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:05:23 So you're saying people take a dump, wash their ass... Wait.

Joe Rogan 1:05:26 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:26 And then don't go to the sink to wash their hands. They just go straight for the dryer thing 'cause it's fun and let's spread this shit around.

Joe Rogan 1:05:34 The thing is with that, when you hit that dryer-

Jeff Garlin 1:05:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:37 ... the dust from that, the wind-

Jeff Garlin 1:05:40 Oh, all right. Stop, stop, stop.

Joe Rogan 1:05:40 It kicks up. This is science.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:42 Okay, enjoy it.

Joe Rogan 1:05:42 This is scientist.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:43 Enjoy. There's too much for me to think about.

Joe Rogan 1:05:45 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:05:46 Too much for me to think about.

Joe Rogan 1:05:47 Listen, man, I did no research. I just posted an article that I read.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:50 Okay, and that's-

Joe Rogan 1:05:50 It said that those things are super unhygenic.

Jeff Garlin 1:05:52 ... and that's, and that's really... And then somebody goes, "Hey, if, if Joe posted it, it must be true 'cause he did his research."

Joe Rogan 1:05:57 (sighs) Could be very clickbaiting, right?

Jeff Garlin 1:05:59 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:59 They could have just got yes.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:00 Yeah, some bullshit. Some bullshit.

Joe Rogan 1:06:02 Yeah, could be.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:02 Some guy named Bob who's a doctor. "I'm telling you, there's shit in there." That's the character of Bob who's an angry doctor.

Joe Rogan 1:06:08 Mmm.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:08 "There's shit in there. Am I right, Toby?"

Joe Rogan 1:06:10 Right. Shit dust.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:11 "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was on the phone, you know. I didn't have time. I didn't have time to wash my hands."

Joe Rogan 1:06:16 Hand dryers suck in fecal bacteria and blow it all over your hands, study finds. See? Bro, it's fine.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:22 All right. There you go. Enjoy. So I will not be using that anymore.

Joe Rogan 1:06:24 What's this?

Jeff Garlin 1:06:24 I will use the blow dryer-

Joe Rogan 1:06:26 Is this a-

Jeff Garlin 1:06:26 And when I touch the thing to have the towel come down, I know that that's very clean.

Joe Rogan 1:06:32 Yes.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:33 No.

Joe Rogan 1:06:34 No?

Jeff Garlin 1:06:34 No, that's not clean.

Joe Rogan 1:06:35 But at least it's not blowing fecal dust.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:35 But there's no co- let's just say... Let's just put it this way.

Joe Rogan 1:06:38 (laughs)

Jeff Garlin 1:06:38 There's no winning.

Joe Rogan 1:06:39 There's no winning.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:40 No, when you go to take a dump in public, there's no winning.

Joe Rogan 1:06:43 Well, there's also the issue of like becoming some OCD person who's fucking completely crazy, squirts Purell all over their body everywhere they go because they're afraid of everything they touch.

Jeff Garlin 1:06:53 And then they don't build up immunity.

Joe Rogan 1:06:55 I have... That's... I have a giant issue with, with that. I, I can't-

Jeff Garlin 1:06:58 I've worked with many people who in, in auditions won't shake an actor's hand.

Joe Rogan 1:07:03 Yeah.

Jeff Garlin 1:07:04 Won't... Because they've got... And I'm... That's not... Well-

Joe Rogan 1:07:06 Are you friends with Howie?

Jeff Garlin 1:07:08 Uh,