Joe Rogan Experience #1160 - Bert Kreischer

1. 0:00 – 1:47

   Tom Segura’s fan-made animation and the “Your Mom’s House” fandom

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (imitates guitar)

   2. BKBert Kreischer0:01

      Fuck, yes.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:03

      Dude, I love the video that, uh, Tommy made.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:05

      Oh, Tommy's-

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Uh, the fucking animation. (laughs) How good is that?

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:08

      You gotta go check out Tommy's animation. That motherfucker-

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:11

      Did... Where is it at now? Live. Where can you get it?

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:14

      Oh, we're live?

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      We're live. Oh, we're live. We're live. I just realized. Love you guys. Wh- where can you get that animation?

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:17

       Oh, to- I guarantee on Tom's Instagram.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:19

       Is it available on Tom Pansu-

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:19

       Dude, he paid for that.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:20

       I know he did.

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:21

       He paid for that.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:22

       It's amazing. It's amazing. He showed it to me last night at the Icehouse. It's fucking amazing. So whoever did that is really talented. It's very funny stuff.

   16. BKBert Kreischer0:28

       His fans are the most creative fans ever. Dude, he's got fans in Indonesia who teach English to children, and all they do is teach them how to say, "Bert is fat."

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:39

       (laughs) And "genes."

   18. BKBert Kreischer0:42

       And "genes."

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:43

       (laughs) Say "jeans."

   20. BKBert Kreischer0:45

       Genes.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       High and tight. Oh, so strange. He's got a real- weird niche. Like, him and his wife together on that podcast, they're- it's a weird, like, silly show.

   22. BKBert Kreischer0:56

       We should, the fo- the six of us should go out to eat one night, because watching the two of them interact is... They're... It's just inside jokes between the two of them.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:03

       Always, right?

   24. BKBert Kreischer1:03

       And it's so much fun to be... They really are one of the funnest couples that I've ever befriended in my life.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:08

       It's weird that it works so good. It's like, every comedian couple, when there are two comedians, they're like, "How long..." It's like a bomb. Like, you're just standing next to it, like, "I gotta get outta here before this thing blows."

   26. BKBert Kreischer1:19

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:20

       But with them, it's like it just works.

   28. BKBert Kreischer1:22

       He's, uh, it's so funny, too, because he's known me a- a- probably 15 years, and, uh, the other day we're hanging out. This is just p- me and him bullshitting. He goes... He's got two kids. He's... You... Their house, you can tell they have two brand new kids. Ellis is running around like a lunatic with a balloon running into walls. That kid's a wrecking ball. The other one's an infant. And he looks at me and he goes, "I can't believe you did this with no money." (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:43

       (laughs)

   30. BKBert Kreischer1:44

       I just had kids. I'm like, "Fuck it, it'll work out." (laughs)

2. 1:47 – 2:40

   Having kids while building a comedy career (and touring broke)

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:47

      Wow. Yeah, that's true, right? How old were you when you first started having kids?

   2. BKBert Kreischer1:51

      32, I think? My daughter's 14. I'm-

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:54

      And how long into comedy were you then?

   4. BKBert Kreischer1:56

      Oh, like, I started at 26, so eight years.

   5. JRJoe Rogan2:00

      Wow.

   6. BKBert Kreischer2:01

      Maybe. Yeah, eight years probably. Six years. Someone can do the math-

   7. JRJoe Rogan2:04

      Six years?

   8. BKBert Kreischer2:04

      ... better than me.

   9. JRJoe Rogan2:05

      Yeah, so six years, and, like, that is not a good time as a comedian. Six years in is rough.

   10. BKBert Kreischer2:12

       I was featuring... Georgia was born on like a, on like a Tuesday. And I had... And we induced labor so that I could go feature for Dave Attell on Thursday.

   11. JRJoe Rogan2:21

       Oh, my god.

   12. BKBert Kreischer2:23

       And I was so excited to work with Dave Attell. I was almost as excited (laughs) to work with Dave Attell as to have a kid.

   13. JRJoe Rogan2:28

       (exhales)

   14. BKBert Kreischer2:30

       (laughs)

   15. JRJoe Rogan2:30

       Where were you working?

   16. BKBert Kreischer2:31

       Uh, Miami. I worked that, that stretch.

   17. JRJoe Rogan2:34

       Oh, that's still a terrible place to work. (laughs)

   18. BKBert Kreischer2:36

       Not with... Yeah, no shit. (laughs)

3. 2:40 – 3:40

   Miami comedy crowds: phone bags, chaos, and no attention span

   1. JRJoe Rogan2:40

      (laughs) Dude, I was just in Miami. I was in Miami a few months ago, and I did that cellphone bag thing, 'cause I did it before. I filmed my Netflix special.

   2. BKBert Kreischer2:47

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan2:48

      Um, I did it for a while where they would have to put their phones in the bag, then I stopped doing it. It's just, it's complicated. It's annoying. It takes... Especially when you're doing two shows, it's a giant space in between shows. But never have I seen a crowd... Like, 'cause y- to use your phone, you gotta get out of the arena-

   4. BKBert Kreischer3:02

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan3:02

      ... and then come back. Everybody was just constantly going out. They were constantly getting up. I mean, it was just a... It was like I was doing standup not in front of people sitting down, but in front of people in a constant state of moving, sitting down, and getting up.

   6. BKBert Kreischer3:18

      That's fucking insane.

   7. JRJoe Rogan3:19

      They were just constantly moving. Like, no place I've ever been. They have zero attention span. I've always said if you want to starve to death, open up a bookstore in Miami.

   8. BKBert Kreischer3:27

      (laughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan3:28

      Th- th- these motherfuckers, they just do coke, and fuck each other, and party.

   10. BKBert Kreischer3:33

       Bro.

   11. JRJoe Rogan3:33

       Not everybody. I know. I'm generalizing. If you're like, "Bro, I read," Billy Corben loves fucking Miami, so...

4. 3:40 – 6:57

   Bert’s wildest Miami club story: gangbangers, stage invasions, and shock escalation

   1. BKBert Kreischer3:40

      Bro, I, so I started headlining. Miami's one of the first clubs to let me headline 'cause I had handled the room.

   2. JRJoe Rogan3:45

      Of course. They're just like, "Take a white guy. Any g- anyone." (laughs)

   3. BKBert Kreischer3:48

      Dude, I had, I, I had the most crazy experiences I've ever had there. One night it's me, uh, and two other comics. I'm headlining, right? It's Sunday night. And I say to the manager, I said, "It seems pretty rowdy. Are they heckling her?" And then he's like, "Yeah, it's pretty bad. There's gangbangers in the front row." I was like, "C- who... Can we escort them out maybe?" And he goes, "I think they have weapons. I'm not comfortable with that." I was like, "So what are we gonna do?" And he's like, "I don't know. Tread lightly, I guess?" Feature act goes up. This is 100%, swear on my children, true story. Feature act goes up. They destroy him. He comes back-

   4. JRJoe Rogan4:21

      Oh, my god.

   5. BKBert Kreischer4:22

      ... thinning hair matted sweaty to his head.

   6. JRJoe Rogan4:25

      (laughs)

   7. BKBert Kreischer4:25

      And he's like, "It's not good."

   8. JRJoe Rogan4:27

      (laughs)

   9. BKBert Kreischer4:27

      So I go out and I do an old Dave Attell trick. Uh, it's, it's... I mean, it's a comedy trick, but I watched Dave do it, where he would ask the audience a question that he had the joke for. So he'd ask them the setup. "Hey, what's the best way to please your wife?" You know? And then he had the joke, "Oh, what's the best way to give oral sex to your chick?" And the guy's like... And then the guy would tell his joke, and then obviously you have the better joke 'cause you wrote it.

   10. JRJoe Rogan4:47

       Right.

   11. BKBert Kreischer4:47

       You're like, "Oh, well, no, what you do is you put your lips around her entirely and go, 'Ho.'"

   12. JRJoe Rogan4:50

       Okay.

   13. BKBert Kreischer4:50

       And so I do that for- uh, with these gangbangers for like 40, 35 minutes. And it- and it's killing. The whole crowd's like, "Finally, we're all having fun." I look off to the left, and all of a sudden, one of them, a darker guy, name's Ray, gets up on stage. And he's like, "Yeah."

   14. JRJoe Rogan5:05

       On stage?

   15. BKBert Kreischer5:06

       On stage. There's no stopping this.

   16. JRJoe Rogan5:07

       With you?

   17. BKBert Kreischer5:08

       With me. He's like, "This is a real motherfucker right here. This is a real motherfucker." (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan5:12

       Oh, no.

   19. BKBert Kreischer5:12

       "You know what real motherfuckers get in the 305?" Pulls his pants down and shows his dick, (laughs) and it is massive. Massive and dark. Like... And everyone's silent. I'm like, "Okay, Ray, th- thank you very much." He's like, "Show yo shit, son." I'm like, "Not now."

   20. JRJoe Rogan5:28

       "Show yo shit, son."

   21. BKBert Kreischer5:30

       "Show yo shit, son." I was like, "N- not gonna happen now. Not gonna happen now." I go, "You know, you might wanna leave. I'm sure they're calling the cops." And he's like, "Good looking out," and he leaves, right?

   22. JRJoe Rogan5:39

       (laughs)

   23. BKBert Kreischer5:41

       So, so I'm like-

   24. JRJoe Rogan5:43

       (laughs)

   25. BKBert Kreischer5:43

       ... "I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say." I'm like-

   26. JRJoe Rogan5:45

       Oh.

   27. BKBert Kreischer5:46

       I'm like, "How do I follow that?" All of a sudden, lighter-skinned dude, face tattoo, dreadlocks, stands up real slow. And I'm like, "Oh, my god, please say it with another dick."... gets on stage and just goes, "Who's a real motherfucker? You know what real motherfuckers get in the 405- uh, 305?" Pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost, like, lighter two-toned dick, like a purple ring around the ... like, and the place is going bananas. They're like, "Oh my God. Oh my God." I go, "Listen, brother." I go, "They're- they definitely called the cops now. You definitely wanna go catch up with Ray and get a ride home. Thank you so much for the..." You know.

   28. JRJoe Rogan6:19

       (laughs)

   29. BKBert Kreischer6:19

       And he's like, "Good looking out. Good looking out."

   30. JRJoe Rogan6:23

       (laughs)
5. 6:57 – 9:00

   How comedy clubs go off the rails (free tickets, language barriers, and surviving chaos)

   1. JRJoe Rogan6:57

      Insane. Insane. You know what happened? They started giving out free tickets.

   2. BKBert Kreischer7:00

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan7:00

      And it just went off the charts. Like, no one was paying, and it was all just, like, young kids and... I remember I had a joke once where s-... I said something about, I think, uh, Oscar De La Hoya. It was like a joke about boxing.

   4. BKBert Kreischer7:15

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan7:15

      About like, you know, taking a left hook from Oscar De La Hoya, and someone yells out, "Fuck him. Fucking Fernando Vargas." And then someone goes, "Fuck him. Sulio- Julio Cesar Chavez." And they just start fucking debating about what...

   6. BKBert Kreischer7:27

      (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan7:27

      I'm like, "Guys, this is a joke. It has nothing to do with boxing even. What the fuck?" But it turned into this, like, gigantic argument over, like, which Latino boxer is- is better.

   8. BKBert Kreischer7:38

      Oh.

   9. JRJoe Rogan7:39

      Craziness. I've never been to a club that was more out of control. And I saw it get out of control. 'Cause when I first started working there, it was fine.

   10. BKBert Kreischer7:46

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan7:47

       It was fine. And then somewhere along the line, it just went to chaos. They started doing, um, just rowdier and rowdier acts. They're getting more and more young kids. And then sometimes you'd go there and the whole audience would be like 18.

   12. BKBert Kreischer8:00

       Oh, yeah. A- a- and- and not everyone spoke English. That was another real problem in that club.

   13. JRJoe Rogan8:06

       Dude, you never saw anybody kill. Like, you see Diaz do Spanglish in front of those fucking people.

   14. BKBert Kreischer8:12

       Oh my... Y-... 'Cause he came up in that club.

   15. JRJoe Rogan8:14

       Well, he was always there. Yeah.

   16. BKBert Kreischer8:15

       Yeah. I think him and Ricky- uh, Ricky Cruz.

   17. JRJoe Rogan8:18

       Mm-hmm. Yeah.

   18. BKBert Kreischer8:18

       All those guys had all worked that club and just were m-... Jo-... I bet Joey.

   19. JRJoe Rogan8:23

       Murder. I- I worked with Joey there a ton of times, but, you know, Joey and I, we knew how to work together. Like, it worked. And I'm t-... You know, from doing The Comedy Store so much, y-... I'm just used to chaos.

   20. BKBert Kreischer8:37

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan8:37

       You know, you get used to chaos. But-

   22. BKBert Kreischer8:38

       I like chaos.

   23. JRJoe Rogan8:39

       Yeah, it's fun. It's fun sometimes. You know? As long as you're not filming a special. (laughs)

   24. BKBert Kreischer8:45

       (laughs)

   25. JRJoe Rogan8:45

       But if it's just a show, it's just a- a show and it's chaos, it's fun, but-

   26. BKBert Kreischer8:49

       That was my first taping in Philly. (laughs)

   27. JRJoe Rogan8:51

       Oh my God. Philly's a wild ass place too.

   28. BKBert Kreischer8:54

       I think-

   29. JRJoe Rogan8:54

       In a different way.

   30. BKBert Kreischer8:54

       ... I- I call- called Tommy and he goes, "That's why we tape two, brother. Have good- good luck on the next one." (laughs)

6. 9:00 – 13:54

   Filming specials: how many shows, pressure vs looseness, and learning from bombing

   1. JRJoe Rogan9:00

      Yeah. Yeah. I tape four now. I do ev-... I do four now.

   2. BKBert Kreischer9:03

      Dude, that is genius.

   3. JRJoe Rogan9:04

      It's the way to do it. I really should do six.

   4. BKBert Kreischer9:07

      Uh, Chappelle did nine.

   5. JRJoe Rogan9:09

      It's the way to go. It seems like it's not, but the- the thing is, like, you wanna make it the most like a regular show. But the ironic thing is most of what I use, I use from the first show because I'm so loose because I know I have four shows. It's like, it's different. It's- it's- it's... When you're- when you're filming one show, like, I always remember seeing, um, uh, Bill Hicks Relentless, which is the one he did in y-... In the UK.

   6. BKBert Kreischer9:32

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JRJoe Rogan9:33

      It's a big theater in the UK and it's like a giant-

   8. BKBert Kreischer9:35

      With a duster and a cowboy hat?

   9. JRJoe Rogan9:36

      ... duck... Yeah. Giant production. He comes out to, like, a Jimi Hendrix song and there's fire behind him and all this shit, and you could feel the tension. Like, he's got tension because he's got one shot at this. And he did a great job, but it was stiff. It's just stiff.

   10. BKBert Kreischer9:54

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan9:54

       And like, I was dating this girl at the time. She's very smart. And I watched it with her and she's like, "He's interesting, but this is not funny." And the way she said that, I was like, "Wow." Like, I was... To me, I was... A giant Bill Hicks fan. I was, like, hurt. I was like... I wanted to argue with her, but I was like, "I can't argue with her."

   12. BKBert Kreischer10:12

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan10:12

       'Cause she's kind of right. It wasn't... I didn't laugh when I... Like, I was such a fan that, like, watching him was, like, important to me. Like, I wanted to watch it, like, 'cause I felt like he was a very important figure in comedy, even though Ari Shaffir shits on him relentlessly.

   14. BKBert Kreischer10:25

       (laughs)

   15. JRJoe Rogan10:25

       But I was... When I was watching him (laughs) when I was-

   16. BKBert Kreischer10:28

       Fucking Ari?

   17. JRJoe Rogan10:29

       ... oh, he's an animal, but when I was watching him, I was thinking-

   18. BKBert Kreischer10:32

       (laughs) He's a fucking...

   19. JRJoe Rogan10:32

       ... "She's right." Like, "It's not really making me laugh at all."

   20. BKBert Kreischer10:35

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan10:36

       But I know the material's well thought out and it's very good, but, um, it's just that I-... And I recognized it. It's like that one show thing. You're filming one show. You got one shot at it.

   22. BKBert Kreischer10:47

       See, I, um, I think, uh, because I come from a, like a baseball, sports background, I like having pressure on me.

   23. JRJoe Rogan10:54

       Mm-hmm.

   24. BKBert Kreischer10:54

       I love that feeling of, "You got one shot."

   25. JRJoe Rogan10:56

       Yeah.

   26. BKBert Kreischer10:56

       So in Philly we did two and the first one, it rained, the generator went out, and we had to hold the audience in the rain for an hour and a half.

   27. JRJoe Rogan11:04

       Oh Jesus.

   28. BKBert Kreischer11:05

       They lost their buzz, right? They're soaking wet. They finally come into the show.

   29. JRJoe Rogan11:09

       Ugh.

   30. BKBert Kreischer11:10

       They're in the show, they're- they're trying to catch a buzz again, and it ju-... It was a bad show. Like, legit, like, legit I didn't even do well. Like, I remember telling my buddy Tony, who produced it, I- I go, "Oh, I've had bad shows where, like, when you're moving, you accidentally stand on the mic and you go to move and then the mic moves away from your mouth." (laughs)
7. 13:54 – 16:03

   Building material with strangers vs fans (internet comics and Montreal bombing)

   1. BKBert Kreischer13:54

      That's why, that's why I'm grateful I work at The Store.

   2. JRJoe Rogan13:57

      Oh, yeah.

   3. BKBert Kreischer13:57

      Right before I did my special, my closing bit I do on the sh- on the special, the closing bit, I, uh, I, I w- sat with you for a fucking hour in the back room 'cause I took it up in the main room, following, like, D'Elia, and I just said, w- "Here we go." And I... Man, that club can really let you know where the silence is. (laughs)

   4. JRJoe Rogan14:14

      Yeah.

   5. BKBert Kreischer14:15

      And you go, "All right." And then you're like, "Oh, I've been lazy. I've been performing to fans who will give you the benefit of the doubt."

   6. JRJoe Rogan14:22

      Who love you.

   7. BKBert Kreischer14:22

      Yeah.

   8. JRJoe Rogan14:23

      Yeah.

   9. BKBert Kreischer14:23

      And they want you to succeed. But when you do a Netflix special, you need it to be to p- strangers need to like it.

   10. JRJoe Rogan14:28

       Mm-hmm.

   11. BKBert Kreischer14:29

       That's the, the old Louis quote that I used to hang my hat on. They were like, "Why don't you work at UCB?" And he goes, "Anyone can make them laugh." He was like, "I'm famous." Like, get, "If I go in..." Like, that's like making your friends laugh. That's why, this is why I do the road is you, the art form is to make strangers laugh.

   12. JRJoe Rogan14:43

       Yeah.

   13. BKBert Kreischer14:43

       And I was like, "Yeah, it is to make strangers laugh."

   14. JRJoe Rogan14:46

       Yeah. Well, it's, it's also, you don't want a delusional perspective. And one thing that does happen to some com-... Like, Stanhope lives by it. Like, he's like, "Why would I go and do someone else's audience?" He goes, "It took me 25 years to make my own audience."

   15. BKBert Kreischer15:01

       (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:01

       I'm like, "Okay, I get it."

   17. BKBert Kreischer15:03

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:03

       But I really feel like to develop material, to really do it right, you gotta do it in front of just regular people, people that aren't necessarily there to see you. And the beautiful thing about The Store is if there's 15 people in the lineup or 20 people in the lineup, whatever it is, all the, the, uh, how many are there to see you? T- 10%, 30%, 20%?

   19. BKBert Kreischer15:20

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:20

       Like, uh, you know, maybe they're there to see you and D'Elia and also, you know, Tom and also Christina. Like, it's, they're just comedy fans.

   21. BKBert Kreischer15:28

       They are.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:28

       They're not Bert Kreischer fans.

   23. BKBert Kreischer15:30

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:30

       Yeah. And that, that's giant. That's giant. Because those guys that, like, develop, like, that au-... I've, I've seen a few people that develop an audience and that's, uh, all their audience. And there's, they just get real complacent, real lazy. You know?

   25. BKBert Kreischer15:44

       That's the, um, those in-... I mean, I, I, I'm, I'm... I say it lightly 'cause there's some internet comics, meaning, like, YouTube comic people that do comedy now.

   26. JRJoe Rogan15:53

       Mm-hmm.

   27. BKBert Kreischer15:53

       And some are good, some are good, and some are developing.

   28. JRJoe Rogan15:55

       I agree with you.

   29. BKBert Kreischer15:55

       I don't know. I wasn't saying that to be polite. But like-

   30. JRJoe Rogan15:58

       (laughs)
8. 16:03 – 20:58

   Comedy ‘shouldn’t preach’? Hannah Gadsby, Nanette, and genre confusion

   1. JRJoe Rogan16:03

      Oh, well, here's the other thing about that guy. That guy goes up on a show where there's all these other comedians on, and then at the end of his set says that comedy shouldn't be about, about preaching, it should be about making people laugh, right? It shouldn't be about ethics or morals or values.

   2. BKBert Kreischer16:24

      Sexuality or race.

   3. JRJoe Rogan16:24

      Or s- sexuality or race. It should be about making people laugh.

   4. BKBert Kreischer16:27

      People pay to forget about that stuff.

   5. JRJoe Rogan16:29

      Yeah. Bitch, you are on stage not making people laugh.

   6. BKBert Kreischer16:34

      (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan16:34

      That is what you're doing.

   8. BKBert Kreischer16:35

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan16:36

      You silly fuck.

   10. BKBert Kreischer16:37

       (laughs)

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:37

       It is one of the silliest things I've ever seen in my life. It's like, this is... And he's essentially a beginning comic.

   12. BKBert Kreischer16:45

       Open, open mic. He's maybe been doing standup three years tops.

   13. JRJoe Rogan16:49

       So he does, like, videos and the videos are very popular, right?

   14. BKBert Kreischer16:51

       And they're funny.

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:52

       Yeah.

   16. BKBert Kreischer16:53

       If you're from the South, they're really funny.

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:54

       Just g- g-... Unless someone's doing your shit-

   18. BKBert Kreischer16:58

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:58

       ... unless they're stealing or stealing from somebody else, just do your fucking act. Unless something happened before you that's so egregious and ridiculous that you feel like you have to address it when you go on stage 'cause it's just sitting in the room-

   20. BKBert Kreischer17:11

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan17:11

       ... and to just try to do... Ever notice, you know, when you pick up your phone, if you just try to do that-

   22. BKBert Kreischer17:16

       (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan17:16

       ... and everybody's like, "What the fuck? You're not gonna address what just happened?" Sometimes you have to address what just happened.

   24. BKBert Kreischer17:21

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:21

       Like, sometimes someone will go on before you and just eat so much shit that you have to say something. You have to say something.

   26. BKBert Kreischer17:28

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan17:28

       You have to.

   28. BKBert Kreischer17:29

       Yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:29

       But what that guy did was ridiculous.

   30. BKBert Kreischer17:32

       It's, uh, to tell someone what comedy is and what isn't, I'd said... I had read an article about that this, uh, I'm assuming she's a gay woman wrote about, like, trashing Hannah Gadsby and going, "Hey, we're gay and we're doing standup comedy. We're not, we're not just preaching. We're doing standup comedy talking about our trauma and it's working. You just don't see us. So don't write us off and say comedy's dead because you don't see us."
9. 20:58 – 24:57

   Gender, bathrooms, and the awkwardness of shared private spaces

   1. JRJoe Rogan20:58

      Can you imagine that? Remember when you were a kid? If somebody came up to you, go, "One day, uh, you're gonna have to ask someone whether they're a, they're a boy or a girl, and it's gonna be very delicate, and you're gonna have to ask them what their preferred pronouns are." You'd be like, "What?"

   2. BKBert Kreischer21:10

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan21:10

      You'd be like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming. It's real soon."

   4. BKBert Kreischer21:11

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan21:11

      Like, "In 10, 15 years." And then everyone's gonna be, uh ... There's, there's gonna be a lot of ambiguity, an- ... ambiguity. That's a weird word. Ambiguity. How often do you say that word? I'll say ambiguous, but h- how often do you say ambiguity?

   6. BKBert Kreischer21:26

      I'd never have said it.

   7. JRJoe Rogan21:26

      That's a weird one, right?

   8. BKBert Kreischer21:27

      I, I-

   9. JRJoe Rogan21:28

      Comes out of the mouth weird.

   10. BKBert Kreischer21:28

       ... I stay away from a lot of big words. (laughs)

   11. JRJoe Rogan21:30

       Especially after coffee. Ambiguity. Yeah, if y- ... But nobody would have ever anticipated that there would be debate about gen- ... gender.

   12. BKBert Kreischer21:38

       Oh, my daughters, uh, were outside of, like, one of the progressive bathrooms, where it's not men only-

   13. JRJoe Rogan21:43

       Oh.

   14. BKBert Kreischer21:43

       It's just a bathroom. And my daughters saw her first dick that way. Just pushed open a door, 'cause it's no man or woman, and then she's like, "Ah." And I was like, "What is the matter?" And she goes-

   15. JRJoe Rogan21:54

       (laughs)

   16. BKBert Kreischer21:54

       ... "I just saw a man's penis." (laughs) And I was like-

   17. JRJoe Rogan21:56

       Why didn't the guy lock the door?

   18. BKBert Kreischer21:58

       Sometimes you don't. I've done it. You walk in and you're not thinking, and you just don't lock the door, but-

   19. JRJoe Rogan22:02

       So was it at any-sex bathroom or was it at a a- ... any-gender bathroom?

   20. BKBert Kreischer22:07

       I don't know. They have ... I don't fucking know.

   21. JRJoe Rogan22:10

       You know what? I was in a restroom once, uh, a restaurant once, and I was waiting for the bathroom. It's a long fucking wait, man. And, uh, uh, finally the door opens, and a chick comes out. The men's room.

   22. BKBert Kreischer22:22

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan22:22

       And she looked at me like ... Like, "Yeah, I was in the m- ... I was in the men's room." Like, what if I was in the women's room taking a shit? Uh, what if you were in there taking a-

   24. BKBert Kreischer22:32

       I've done that.

   25. JRJoe Rogan22:32

       ... a big steamer.

   26. BKBert Kreischer22:34

       I did that coming off-

   27. JRJoe Rogan22:34

       Have you?

   28. BKBert Kreischer22:34

       ... of a plane from, uh, Atlanta. I was, I was-

   29. JRJoe Rogan22:36

       You went into the women's room?

   30. BKBert Kreischer22:38

       Ireland to Atlanta, boozing on the flight. This was a while ago. Headset's in, hoodie on, about to take a shit. I'm like f- ... It's creeping-
10. 24:57 – 29:44

    Old viral videos, Redban’s editing, and the content game (YouTube/Twitch/vlogging)

    1. BKBert Kreischer24:57

       I was just telling Jamie back, like, before you got here, how important those videos were. All the videos you shot with B- with Redban and Ari and Joey. The Joey Karati video. All the stuff you guys used to put online, that's so important to where you are today, in my opinion.

    2. JRJoe Rogan25:14

       What do you mean?

    3. BKBert Kreischer25:14

       I... Man, the... I found that stuff. When YouTube started blowing up, that stuff was in such heavy rotation for comics. Like, you'd look for comics, and you were recognizable because of Fear Factor and News Radio. But I've... I got to those videos, and I probably watched every single one of the videos you guys shot, as, as did all of us. Tom did, all of us, just because it was like... It was the content we could find.

    4. JRJoe Rogan25:38

       Mm-hmm.

    5. BKBert Kreischer25:38

       That's what we're talking about with Twitch, is like get on Twitch now and start uploading content because one day, someone will see it and go, "Oh, I know that guy." And, uh, and I really believe that you guys were so ahead of that curve, where people are like, "I'm not... I don't even know how to upload a video."

    6. JRJoe Rogan25:55

       Yeah.

    7. BKBert Kreischer25:55

       You guys had edited great content. Heckler in Columbus, uh, Ari dealing with the heckler in DC, the g- the feminist arguing with you, that guy... You choking that guy out in the store. Like, those were videos where you're like, I'd watch them four or five times.

    8. JRJoe Rogan26:09

       There was a lot of those, but you know what, what was really good about it was Redban's editing.

    9. BKBert Kreischer26:13

       He was-

    10. JRJoe Rogan26:13

        He just doesn't like to do that though. It's too m- too time-consuming, and he's too lazy. He just doesn't like to do videos, but he's really talented. Like, his video editing skills, like that Mencia video, that was part of why that video was so popular, because it's a long-ass video.

    11. BKBert Kreischer26:27

        Dude.

    12. JRJoe Rogan26:27

        But his editing skills were so good.

    13. BKBert Kreischer26:29

        What was the music he played? (singing)

    14. JRJoe Rogan26:33

        I forget.

    15. BKBert Kreischer26:33

        It was... The music was perfect.

    16. JRJoe Rogan26:35

        Yeah, it was. The whole thing was... You know, it's... He's a really good editor. He really... He's really talented at it, but it's so time-consuming, and it drives him nuts that he'd rather just fuck around and do podcasts and have a good time. But when he was doing it, like when we were going on the road together, and he was filming a lot of stuff and splicing things together, we'd make a video every couple of months or something like that, it was really fun. It was... It was an interesting experiment, you know, just to, just to fuck around.

    17. BKBert Kreischer27:01

        I got into... When I got into vlogging, and Jamie was like right there when I started vlogging, 'cause we, we were both found... Casey Neistat, I think, at the same time. And I got really into vlogging, and I loved it, man. I don't... I think I maybe did like 40 episodes, and it was just fun. But then it s- I started realizing it was in- cannibalizing my life to a point where I wasn't living an authentic life at all.

    18. JRJoe Rogan27:22

        Right.

    19. BKBert Kreischer27:22

        And I wasn't writing any material. I was just shooting everything. Everything was shot. Like, if I saw you, I'd be like... I wouldn't be like, "Oh, cool, I get to hang out with Joe." I'd be like, "Oh, hey guys, I'm with Joe," you know? And I was like, "That's..."

    20. JRJoe Rogan27:32

        Right, right.

    21. BKBert Kreischer27:32

        I'm... And, and-

    22. JRJoe Rogan27:33

        That, that is the trap that the people fall into. You know? I mean, if you look at some people's Instagram stories, you're like, "What are you doing, man? You have a million dots." Your Instagram is like little tiny dots. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

    23. BKBert Kreischer27:44

        Yeah.

    24. JRJoe Rogan27:44

        Like, your whole day? Y- your whole day, you have just a phone in front of you? What do you just have, like, constant l- battery chargers, and you're just constantly charging up your phone and filming video? This is crazy.

    25. BKBert Kreischer27:54

        I do it... This is the way I look at Instagram. I do it... I'll do those stories aggressively if I'm running the triathlon, running a marathon, doing a big event.

    26. JRJoe Rogan28:01

        Right. Yeah.

    27. BKBert Kreischer28:01

        Like, and I d- and that's... I mean, uh, not to tip the hat or whatever or tell you guys my business plan, but that's what I do. Like, I, I like to do big things, and then that's how my stories... And then I'll fuck around on the weekend, and I'll put up maybe like three stories a day, five stories a day, and I'll show you my life a little bit. But for the most part, I... Like, I, I try to m- I try to distance myself from it for two reasons. Number one, it fucks with my eyesight. Like, if I'm on my phone a lot-

    28. JRJoe Rogan28:25

        Oh, yeah.

    29. BKBert Kreischer28:26

        ... my eyes are fucked.

    30. JRJoe Rogan28:27

        Yeah.
11. 29:44 – 34:27

    Bert’s ‘Open Tabs’ podcast brain: internet rabbit holes to spearfishing obsession

    1. JRJoe Rogan29:44

       Wait, what is your solo podcast? You have a solo one as well?

    2. BKBert Kreischer29:46

       Yeah, I do a s- uh, solo podcast called-

    3. JRJoe Rogan29:48

       Just talk to yourself?

    4. BKBert Kreischer29:48

       No, it's called Open Tabs.

    5. JRJoe Rogan29:50

       Oh.

    6. BKBert Kreischer29:50

       So I go throughout on the weekend, like when I'm normally killing time looking on the internet, and I just leave all those tabs open on Safari. And then I go in, and I just go through and close them and tell you what they are and show you the video I was watching.

    7. JRJoe Rogan30:01

       Oh. (laughs)

    8. BKBert Kreischer30:02

       So like, it's a lot of videos of you-

    9. JRJoe Rogan30:04

       (laughs)

    10. BKBert Kreischer30:05

        ... and like h- and r- like all my friends, 'cause I w- I watch all my friends do shit. Like if Bill Burr kills it on some interview, I show that. Um, or if you like, like a lot of... I mean, a lot of them are like the interviews you have with these guys like David Attiah and, and Cam Hanes. Cam Hanes is... Like all those g- all those like really inspirational guys, I'll pull up videos of them. And then I... All of a sudden, I'll get obsessed with flash floods-

    11. JRJoe Rogan30:27

        (laughs)

    12. BKBert Kreischer30:28

        ... and fucking-

    13. JRJoe Rogan30:29

        Flash floods are scary.

    14. BKBert Kreischer30:30

        Dude, there's this guy, no joke.... like, I think I'm a good comic. This guy's better at what he does, but he tracks flash floods. And he's like, he's like on camera, like, "Okay, I'm in this valley. It's rai-... See this cloud over there? It's raining over there. It should be to us in 15 minutes, all right? We're gonna stay with it." And this guy finds a plot of land where the flash flood will run, and he can chase it, and almost follow it, follow it, hop up on the bank, and then cut a corner and get in front of it again. This guy's so good at fucking following flash floods. There is this girl. Th- this is what I find on the internet, 'cause like, I get online. There's this girl, Kimi Werner, okay? This girl is the best. I'm obsessed with spearfishing right now, and I've never-

    15. JRJoe Rogan31:08

        Spearfishing?

    16. BKBert Kreischer31:08

        ... never done it in my life. I'm s- obsessed with spear... I watch spearfishing videos, Joe, maybe eight hours a day.

    17. JRJoe Rogan31:16

        What?

    18. BKBert Kreischer31:17

        Dude, like, when I'm in bed, and you know when you're killing time, Kimi Werner. T- pull up Kimi Werner. This woman is, uh, fucking amazing. This is a picture of her swimming with a great white shark, okay?

    19. JRJoe Rogan31:27

        Dude, I've got a spearfishing woman coming on next week.

    20. BKBert Kreischer31:30

        Who?

    21. JRJoe Rogan31:31

        Valentine Thomas.

    22. BKBert Kreischer31:32

        I don't know her. I'm Googling the fuck outta her.

    23. JRJoe Rogan31:34

        G- Google Valentine Thomas. She's coming on next week. She was a lawyer who, uh, quit her gig and, uh, became, uh, like, a, a, a very, uh, active and active on social media spearfisherman.

    24. BKBert Kreischer31:49

        Oh, she's beautiful. Where is she out of? Flo-... The Keys?

    25. JRJoe Rogan31:51

        She's, she's in Florida somewhere, I believe.

    26. BKBert Kreischer31:53

        Yeah, yeah.

    27. JRJoe Rogan31:53

        Yeah.

    28. BKBert Kreischer31:53

        On the, on the West Coast of Florida is a big spearfishing community, shooting a lot of hoghead groupers. By the way, this is the way I talk about something I've never fucking done.

    29. JRJoe Rogan32:01

        We should do it.

    30. BKBert Kreischer32:02

        I'm do... I'll... I'm in, I'm in.
12. 34:27 – 38:40

    HECS suits, diving adventures, and endurance inspiration (Goggins/Cam Hanes)

    1. JRJoe Rogan34:27

       Well, you know, you know what a HECS suit is? You ever heard of a HECS suit?

    2. BKBert Kreischer34:30

       Uh-uh.

    3. JRJoe Rogan34:30

       They got this suit called H-E-C-S. It's like a suit that, uh, there, there's some... It's based on something, I think it's called the Faraday cage. And what it does is it hides your electrical signal. And one of the things about fish is that fish, uh-

    4. BKBert Kreischer34:47

       (laughs)

    5. JRJoe Rogan34:47

       ... apparently, they read your electrical signal, like the, like... You, you can take a... There's certain machines that like, you could hover your hand over 'em, and it'll register that an electrical signal's coming off of your body. But then when you put this HECS suit on, you run your hand over the same exact machine, it shows nothing.

    6. BKBert Kreischer35:05

       Really?

    7. JRJoe Rogan35:05

       Yeah, so this, this suit is something that... It's very controversial in the hunting community, 'cause some people don't believe it s- really works, 'cause there's no real clear absolute studies that it works on animals. But there are clear studies that it shields your body's electrical signal. And, but it works pretty unequivocably on fish. On fish, it's crazy. You gotta... Pull up HECS suit, H-E-C-S suit video fish.

    8. BKBert Kreischer35:32

       So you basically roll into the water like Predator?

    9. JRJoe Rogan35:34

       You put... Yeah, you put gloves on.

    10. BKBert Kreischer35:35

        (laughs)

    11. JRJoe Rogan35:35

        You put a suit on, and they can't see you. Like, they... For whatever reason, you can get right up to them. It's fucking weird, man. But you-

    12. BKBert Kreischer35:43

        Whoa.

    13. JRJoe Rogan35:43

        Yeah, you get right up to fish, right up to, like, uh, corals. They get right up to coral reefs. See now, here's the thing. I don't know how much of this would happen exactly the same way if this guy wasn't wearing this suit, 'cause I don't really, I don't really have that information.

    14. BKBert Kreischer36:00

        Yeah.

    15. JRJoe Rogan36:00

        But I do know that people that spearfish and people that like, are involved with, uh, you know, underwater diving and shit, they swear by these things. They, they, they say it absolutely works. And they had it on Shark Week too. They were using it on Shark Week.

    16. BKBert Kreischer36:15

        That's amazing.

    17. JRJoe Rogan36:15

        There's something about those suits. Yeah. I don't... Yeah.

    18. BKBert Kreischer36:19

        Ari and I were t-... I was gonna go out to, uh, the Great Barrier Reef with Ari. If Tom is going out there at the same time, we're all three gonna go dive at the Great Barrier Reef.

    19. JRJoe Rogan36:27

        Whoa.

    20. BKBert Kreischer36:27

        Do a liveaboard. Ari and I are actually l-... Have been talking back and forth about finding a place to do a liveaboard and go-

    21. JRJoe Rogan36:33

        A liveaboard?

    22. BKBert Kreischer36:34

        Yeah, like a boat.

    23. JRJoe Rogan36:35

        Like a boat?

    24. BKBert Kreischer36:35

        Where you can stay for like four days, you do two dives a day, do like-

    25. JRJoe Rogan36:38

        Damn.

    26. BKBert Kreischer36:39

        Yeah.

    27. JRJoe Rogan36:40

        Wow.

    28. BKBert Kreischer36:42

        Yeah.

    29. JRJoe Rogan36:42

        That's an adventure.

    30. BKBert Kreischer36:43

        Ari's all about living life. And if I can mold-
13. 38:40 – 55:42

    Cutting back on drinking, panic loops at night, and coping tools (tank/sauna/Sober October)

    1. JRJoe Rogan38:40

       Yeah. Are you not drinking?

    2. BKBert Kreischer38:42

       No.

    3. JRJoe Rogan38:43

       For how long?

    4. BKBert Kreischer38:43

       I just haven't been.

    5. JRJoe Rogan38:44

       For how long?

    6. BKBert Kreischer38:45

       Not... I mean, I will, but n-

    7. JRJoe Rogan38:46

       But not on stage?

    8. BKBert Kreischer38:47

       Uh, no. I mean, I'll, I'll take a drink with me at the end of the night.

    9. JRJoe Rogan38:50

       Mm-hmm.

    10. BKBert Kreischer38:51

        Like when, when I tell the machine story on the second show, I'll have that drink.

    11. JRJoe Rogan38:54

        That's it?

    12. BKBert Kreischer38:55

        Yeah.

    13. JRJoe Rogan38:56

        What's going on?

    14. BKBert Kreischer38:57

        Nothing, man.

    15. JRJoe Rogan38:58

        Cleaning it up?

    16. BKBert Kreischer38:59

        No, I'm just... I don't know. I don't know. (laughs) I don't know.

    17. JRJoe Rogan39:01

        Growing up?

    18. BKBert Kreischer39:02

        No. No, I still party, but like... Yeah, like if I saw you at the store tonight, I still party and smoke.

    19. JRJoe Rogan39:06

        Okay.

    20. BKBert Kreischer39:06

        And... But I just... I don't know.

    21. JRJoe Rogan39:08

        (laughs)

    22. BKBert Kreischer39:09

        It's... There's no re- I, I... This is what sucks about being me, is like people will go, "What's h- what's going on? Are you sick? Is something going on?" And you're like, "No, just... I'm also regular." (laughs)

    23. JRJoe Rogan39:18

        Yeah, it's fine.

    24. BKBert Kreischer39:19

        Yeah.

    25. JRJoe Rogan39:20

        Nothing wrong with that.

    26. BKBert Kreischer39:21

        Yeah. I, I... You know, I did the triathlon and I didn't drink leading up to it, and I did it and I felt really good. I just felt really good. And I thought... And, you know, you know when you have friends that... I, I'm 45, and so you start say- seeing friends that, that lifestyle starts to affect in different ways. And you go, "Okay, I want... I w- I don't ever wanna quit drinking. I don't ever wanna quit smoking weed. I don't ever wanna go with Ari and run a marathon and then not do mushrooms with him in S- in Buenos Aires." I want that to be a part of my life, but I can't have that if I'm going at the pace I'm going at. Like I can't, I can't have both.

    27. JRJoe Rogan39:56

        Well, you started to rely on your body a lot more. Like you, what you're doing with all this running and, you know, these, uh, the t- what was that one that you did where you had to do all the obstacle courses and shit?

    28. BKBert Kreischer40:07

        Spartan Race.

    29. JRJoe Rogan40:07

        Spartan Race. Doing a triathlon. You're relying on your body.

    30. BKBert Kreischer40:11

        Yeah.
14. 55:42 – 1:05:44

    Food and cooking detour: Something’s Burning, humane crab killing, dry-aged beef, and sous vide

    1. BKBert Kreischer55:42

       Dude, we went in, when we went and did that first Something's Burning, it's me, Bill, and Tom, and I walked on set and I said, "I'm super difficult to work with. Just want everyone to know that. Uh, don't anyone stop me. Don't anyone do anything. I'll let you know when we start and I'll let you know when we're done." And they're like, "Okay." I said, "Just cover everything. Don't ever ask me to stop and do anything. Just cover everything."

    2. JRJoe Rogan56:02

       That's a problem, when they go, "Stop."

    3. BKBert Kreischer56:04

       Yeah.

    4. JRJoe Rogan56:04

       "We gotta ... Rewind. Say that again. What?"

    5. BKBert Kreischer56:07

       Yup.

    6. JRJoe Rogan56:07

       No. Get a camera on me and stay out of the picture. Just leave me alone. Like-

    7. BKBert Kreischer56:11

       Yup.

    8. JRJoe Rogan56:11

       ... they don't understand that every time you break that momentum, now I'm thinking about you and I'm thinking about that camera and I have to reset again.

    9. BKBert Kreischer56:19

       Yeah.

    10. JRJoe Rogan56:20

        Just-

    11. BKBert Kreischer56:20

        And we did it, we did, me and Tom and Bill did that first one, just one take, both b- ... I think both Tom and Bill were like, "I got 45 minutes." I was like, "Perfect. We sh- ... We got it all." They got up, I think they aired, aired almost all of it, and then everyone loved it. And then D'Elia and Bo- ... and Bobby Lee came in. Same thing. I was like, "No one say a thing." Dude, the best ones, Schaub and Bryan Callen, to me, are my favorite, 'cause you see Brendan Schaub in a po- ... He is so fucking funny in that, God.

    12. JRJoe Rogan56:45

        He's a very funny dude.

    13. BKBert Kreischer56:46

        He is so fucking funny in that, that like, our edit-

    14. JRJoe Rogan56:48

        What'd you guys cook?

    15. BKBert Kreischer56:50

        Oh, my God, Joe. We cooked crab, but we had to kill them on air, and you have to kill 'em in a humane way.

    16. JRJoe Rogan56:57

        What?

    17. BKBert Kreischer56:57

        Yeah, in order to do it, you have to kill 'em in a humane way. You have t-

    18. JRJoe Rogan56:59

        What do you mean, in order to do it?

    19. BKBert Kreischer57:01

        In order to kill a crab, legally, especially on YouTube, you gotta kill it in a humane way.

    20. JRJoe Rogan57:06

        What?

    21. BKBert Kreischer57:07

        Yeah. So you gotta, it's gotta be within six seconds.

    22. JRJoe Rogan57:09

        Dude, I shot a elk with a bow and arrow on YouTube.

    23. BKBert Kreischer57:12

        I-

    24. JRJoe Rogan57:12

        You can go watch-

    25. BKBert Kreischer57:13

        Don't-

    26. JRJoe Rogan57:13

        ... you can go watch a elk get shot through the heart with a bow and arrow.

    27. BKBert Kreischer57:16

        Don't even. (laughs)

    28. JRJoe Rogan57:17

        You have to be careful with a crab?

    29. BKBert Kreischer57:19

        All I know is that the one note we got was-

    30. JRJoe Rogan57:21

        It didn't even have senses.
15. 1:05:44 – 1:18:03

    Family gross-outs, puke immunity, backyard chickens, and the realities of pets

    1. BKBert Kreischer1:05:44

       When you go travel and you go to like Thailand and stuff, do you get foodie and go in and try to find something dangerous and crazy or do you just pretty much stay?

    2. JRJoe Rogan1:05:51

       I didn't eat bugs, but I ate some really hot food.

    3. BKBert Kreischer1:05:54

       Yeah?

    4. JRJoe Rogan1:05:54

       Yeah, no bugs. They, they tried to serve me bugs. I'm like, "Bitch, I hosted Fear Factor for six years."

    5. BKBert Kreischer1:05:59

       (laughs)

    6. JRJoe Rogan1:05:59

       "Get that shit out of my face."

    7. BKBert Kreischer1:06:00

       You're the wrong guy. (laughs)

    8. JRJoe Rogan1:06:01

       Yeah, I'm just not interested in your bugs. Not only that, it doesn't gross me out at all. Like nothing grosses me out, like eating bugs or anything, throw up.

    9. BKBert Kreischer1:06:10

       I remember your wife threw up in her car one time. I think I was ... I came u- either I came over there and you were cleaning out your wife's car. I said, "What are you doing here?" You were like, "Oh, my wife threw up all over the car, one of those green drinks." And I was like ... (imitates vomiting)

Episode duration: 1:49:44