Joe Rogan Experience #1177 - Sober October 2

Joe Rogan 0:02 Five, four, three, two, one. (heart beating) Dude, it seemed like we just did this.

Bert Kreischer 0:07 It does feel like-

Tom Segura 0:09 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 0:09 ... pretty recent.

Joe Rogan 0:09 How was it a year ago?

Bert Kreischer 0:10 I don't know.

Tom Segura 0:11 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 0:12 It's already October. I'm scared. Let's just fucking spark up a joint and bill right now.

Bert Kreischer 0:17 What?

Tom Segura 0:18 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 0:18 No.

Joe Rogan 0:18 With these fat blunts.

Bert Kreischer 0:20 One of them Backwoods.

Joe Rogan 0:21 Smell one of these Backwoods. These are so good. Just smell it, just smell it.

Tom Segura 0:25 Whoa.

Joe Rogan 0:26 Yeah.

Tom Segura 0:27 You know everyone was commenting on your-

Bert Kreischer 0:29 Let me see that.

Tom Segura 0:29 ... blunt rolling technique after the Elon Musk thing?

Joe Rogan 0:32 Oh, I don't roll them.

Tom Segura 0:33 I know they were like... And I knew that. And they were like-

Joe Rogan 0:35 Yeah.

Tom Segura 0:35 ... "Oh, what is he... He just, he can barely roll a blunt." And I was like, "It's professionally rolled. It's a pretty r- good blunt."

Joe Rogan 0:39 You can't read those comments.

Bert Kreischer 0:40 That does smell good, man.

Joe Rogan 0:41 That smells so good. They taste good too. Those are, those are phenomenal. The, I l- I'm a blunt man. You know, I know it's probably bad for your lungs, but there's something about the tobacco gets you a little high up and then the marijuana sort of like-

Bert Kreischer 0:55 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 0:55 ... spreads you out and it puts you in like a new dimension.

Bert Kreischer 0:59 Yeah, that's-

Joe Rogan 0:59 I like it.

Bert Kreischer 0:59 ... that, that's a good one.

Joe Rogan 1:01 I'm gonna get blitzkrieged after Halloween, kids.

Bert Kreischer 1:04 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05 Blitzkrieg.

Bert Kreischer 1:05 Imagine how high you'll get to after 30 days off.

Joe Rogan 1:08 I remember last year. Last year I did, I did comedy. I had no idea what I was talking about. While I was on stage I was like, "Oh my God, there's 400 people in this room and I don't even know what I'm saying."

Tom Segura 1:16 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:17 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:17 I almost thought of bringing in all my marijuana and booze in here, like a, like wi-

Joe Rogan 1:21 Stack it up.

Tom Segura 1:21 ... like at, like in the Old West when you had to turn in your guns.

Joe Rogan 1:23 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:24 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:24 And just dumping them on the table. 'Cause I have so much marijuana, it's ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 1:29 I know, it's crazy. Look at that spot-

Bert Kreischer 1:31 I keep a bunch.

Joe Rogan 1:31 We got a stack of whiskey over there.

Bert Kreischer 1:34 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:34 And then we got another cabinet full in the back. Yeah, you could get fucked up hard for your, here in this place, this room.

Bert Kreischer 1:39 We're gonna get ripped on the-

Joe Rogan 1:41 Yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:41 ... first.

Joe Rogan 1:41 The day back.

Bert Kreischer 1:42 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:42 Well, remember when we did the podcast on the day back.

Bert Kreischer 1:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:45 Those were, those were fun. Shit.

Bert Kreischer 1:46 Those were fun.

Tom Segura 1:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:47 Ari's so much more fun when he's high.

Tom Segura 1:49 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:49 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 1:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:50 He's so scary and grumpy when he's sober. I don't-

Bert Kreischer 1:52 He's such a grouchy dog.

Joe Rogan 1:54 But he gets-

Bert Kreischer 1:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:55 ... like legit angry. Like he could joke around about anything when he's high.

Bert Kreischer 1:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:59 When he smokes weed. But then when he's not smoking weed, you're like, "Wait, wait, wait. Are you fucking serious?"

Bert Kreischer 2:04 He gets upset.

Tom Segura 2:05 Do you remember when you texted the three of us? You were like, "Ari, I don't think you're doing the right classes." Do you remember the-

Joe Rogan 2:10 You went crazy.

Tom Segura 2:10 ... meltdown he had? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:11 I, I said, "I think you're gonna have to do them again."

Tom Segura 2:13 (screams)

Bert Kreischer 2:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:13 Obviously, I'm fucking joking around.

Bert Kreischer 2:16 You gotta love it.

Tom Segura 2:17 You calling me a liar? Jesus, son of a liar. Son of a liar to my face.

Bert Kreischer 2:20 Didn't he, didn't he call?

Joe Rogan 2:20 No, I meant, "I love you."

Bert Kreischer 2:22 He called you, right? He called you upset.

Joe Rogan 2:24 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was upset. I don't remember if we texted or called, but I go, "Ari."

Tom Segura 2:29 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:29 "I love you. I'm just joking. I'm sure you d-" But one thing about Ari is, this is one thing that you could say after all the, the welting talking, all the nonsense. Ari has rock solid ethics.

Bert Kreischer 2:40 Yeah, yeah.

Tom Segura 2:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:40 Like rock solid.

Bert Kreischer 2:41 Yes, he does.

Joe Rogan 2:42 Like if Ari says he's gonna do something, he does it. Like so if I'm fucking with him and saying, "Uh, I don't think you're doing it."

Bert Kreischer 2:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:48 Like I don't really mean it.

Bert Kreischer 2:49 Right, right. You're just kind of... You're poking at him.

Joe Rogan 2:51 Right. So if you're out there, Ari, and you hear this, I'm only fucking around. I know you're doing it.

Bert Kreischer 2:57 He came-

Joe Rogan 2:57 But I'm not talking to you for the next 31 days.

Tom Segura 2:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 3:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:00 It's too dangerous.

Tom Segura 3:02 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 3:02 He came to ac- he came to our class for that last one. He was like, "This is so much easier than my class. Can't believe you questioned how hard my class was."

Joe Rogan 3:09 The one we did in Encino?

Bert Kreischer 3:10 Yes. He was like, "This is so easy compared to what I've been doing in New York."

Tom Segura 3:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:13 Look, it's all easy if you go easy.

Bert Kreischer 3:15 I guess, yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:16 It's all how you do it. If you, if you do hot yoga and you go 100% every pose.

Bert Kreischer 3:22 Yeah, you-

Joe Rogan 3:22 It's fucking hard as shit.

Bert Kreischer 3:23 Doesn't matter who's teaching, yeah, it's hard.

Joe Rogan 3:24 Yeah, but it... There's this guy that I go to yoga-

Bert Kreischer 3:26 Is that vodka?

Tom Segura 3:27 No.

Bert Kreischer 3:27 Yeah, for sure.

Tom Segura 3:27 No, it's water.

Joe Rogan 3:28 100%.

Tom Segura 3:28 I have a drinking problem, legit drinking.

Bert Kreischer 3:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 3:31 Needs water. Okay.

Joe Rogan 3:33 There's this guy that I go to yoga with, uh, who is, uh, he's... It seems like he just doesn't ever go 100%.

Tom Segura 3:41 Sure.

Joe Rogan 3:41 He's sorta just kinda... Like you know how you put your arms above your head? He always does this. He's never doing this, where he's fully-

Tom Segura 3:48 Right. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:49 ... stretched out, extended, palms conec- connected.

Bert Kreischer 3:51 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:51 When you do that, it's hard.

Tom Segura 3:53 Right.

Joe Rogan 3:53 But if you just kind of half-ass every pose and do this, yeah, you can get through a 90-minute class. You're not doing the same thing as other people.

Bert Kreischer 3:58 Or, yeah, if you do, if you do any, uh, if you ever go to like a group training class somewhere-

Joe Rogan 4:02 Oh, dude.

Bert Kreischer 4:02 ... you can see people and there's like that 63-year-old lady who's like doing it with you. She's-

Joe Rogan 4:08 And she's half-assing everything.

Bert Kreischer 4:08 She's on her knees. She's like, "This is hard." And talking at a-

Joe Rogan 4:11 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:11 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 4:11 ... normal rate. You're like, "You're not, you're not doing it."

Joe Rogan 4:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:14 I got in, I got in trouble at my CrossFit class 'cause I g- I was just getting pissed. I was throwing up every day. I was throwing up every single day.

Bert Kreischer 4:21 (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:21 I was also drinking a coffee right before it started, so I was throwing up coffee every single day. And one day I just snapped. I go, "Hey, the Black guy's not doing his burpees."

Bert Kreischer 4:29 The Black guy. Jesus.

Tom Segura 4:30 That's what they said, Joe. That's what they said.

Joe Rogan 4:31 (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:31 They go, "Hey, man, we don't talk like that. He's got a name." I go, "I don't know it." But I'm pointing to him. "He's not doing his burpees." And then I goes-

Joe Rogan 4:38 Why do you care?

Tom Segura 4:38 And then the joke I made out of it was, "Hey, uh, Wendall, the gay guy says I can't call you the Black guy, but you're not doing your fucking burpees."

Bert Kreischer 4:44 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:46 The gay guy. (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:47 I might go back to, uh, CrossFit. I like the idea that we're doing this in a general heart rate sense.

Joe Rogan 4:51 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:51 'Cause you can sprinkle it in. I wanna go to a spin class. I wanna go to-

Bert Kreischer 4:54 You definitely can.

Joe Rogan 4:55 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 4:55 And by the way, that is how... If you wanna like get a real bump in those points, it's about a bump in heart r- like sustained accelerated heart rate. So a spin class is gonna get you a bunch.

Joe Rogan 5:05 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 5:06 That, that, you know what I mean?

Joe Rogan 5:07 Right.

Bert Kreischer 5:07 It's g- it's not like... Joe, I don't know if you know this, he's like a way m- better athlete than you, but it doesn't mean that-

Tom Segura 5:13 Mm, I say we put a pin in that.

Joe Rogan 5:14 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 5:14 So it doesn't mean that-

Tom Segura 5:15 We have a month to find out.

Bert Kreischer 5:16 It doesn't mean that he'll, um, automatically beat us because he's in better physical condition. You can actually beat him if you're going to push it all the time.

Tom Segura 5:27 What is it in your brain that makes you do that? 'Cause I g- we just looked at your MEPs.

Joe Rogan 5:30 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 5:30 And you, that you burned 1,000 calories. Is there some sort of... I talked to Pat McAfee one time, he said it's about explosivity.

Joe Rogan 5:37 It's about rape and murder.

Tom Segura 5:38 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 5:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:40 My head's filled with it. Stopping rapists and stopping murderers and killing child molesters. That's what I think about, killing bad people.

Tom Segura 5:48 When you work out?

Joe Rogan 5:48 Yeah, that's what I do when I get tired. If I get tired, I think about like saving someone I care about. I think about stopping someone who's trying to murder someone I love. That's what I think about.

Bert Kreischer 6:00 I love your face.

Tom Segura 6:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:01 I'm not kidding.

Bert Kreischer 6:02 Bert's face.

Tom Segura 6:02 I think about my second wife. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 6:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:04 I think about protect, I think about protecting people I care about.

Bert Kreischer 6:08 Then you tell, you told me one time, um, you'll, if it's hard, you'll go, uh, uh, pretend like someone's trying to kill me.

Joe Rogan 6:13 Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 6:14 Yeah. So you're like pretending-

Joe Rogan 6:15 Yeah. Yeah.

Tom Segura 6:18 I really don't have words for that.

Joe Rogan 6:19 That's what you gotta do 'cause that's w- that's what ... If you g- think about worst case scenario, you're tired and someone's trying to kill someone you care about, and you don't have enough energy to stop them.

Tom Segura 6:30 But do you think you learned that switch in, like, uh, Tae- Taekwon- or not Taekwondo, uh, Kr- uh ...

Joe Rogan 6:35 Uh, yeah. I learned it from martial arts for sure.

Tom Segura 6:37 Sh- yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:38 Yeah.

Tom Segura 6:38 Jiu-Jitsu?

Joe Rogan 6:38 For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's the scariest place you could ever be. Like, the scariest place you could be is life and death. So, like-

Tom Segura 6:46 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 6:46 ... y- just putting yourself in, "Oh, I just wanna lose weight." Okay, good. Yeah. That's good. B- but that's not ... You're not gonna save yourself. Like, you got, you gotta put yourself in, like, animalistic fury. That's how you gotta, you gotta put yourself. You gotta put yourself in this, this state of just 100% effort. Yeah, I was pegged at like 180, 177 beats per minute for the last 35, 35 minutes.

Bert Kreischer 7:12 That's really-

Tom Segura 7:13 That's really-

Bert Kreischer 7:14 ... that's great.

Joe Rogan 7:14 Gotta do it.

Tom Segura 7:15 See, uh, th- you know, I ... That David Goggins guy got in my head with, uh, just embrace the suck.

Joe Rogan 7:22 Yeah.

Tom Segura 7:22 I c- I can get there where I go and just ver- j- like, like doing the marathon, I just go, "This is where I'm gonna be for the next five and a half hours. This is where I'm at and this is what I'm doing." And I can, I can wrap my head around that. I don't know if I can wrap my head around, like ... I don't know the explosi- tivity of it and going like, "I'm gonna save my family." And then getting-

Bert Kreischer 7:38 But that might not work for you, but there still could be a different tactic that works for you. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't have to be-

Tom Segura 7:42 No, no, no. I meant, I meant even, like, that ... going that fucking hard to where your body is completely giving out, there's part of me that goes, "Hey man, what, what are we doing here?" You know like-

Joe Rogan 7:52 Yeah.

Tom Segura 7:52 Even when I'm working out, I go-

Joe Rogan 7:53 Yeah.

Tom Segura 7:53 ... "That's really fucking hard."

Joe Rogan 7:55 Well, you got ... You definitely have to protect your health, right? Like the last thing you wanna be doing this and having a heart attack.

Tom Segura 8:01 That's my ... That's always my fear is I go, "Easy, buddy."

Joe Rogan 8:04 Yeah. "Easy, buddy." Is a good way to look at it.

Tom Segura 8:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:06 But I've been doing that kind of working out forever. That's how I work out.

Tom Segura 8:11 Really?

Joe Rogan 8:11 Yeah.

Tom Segura 8:12 That's ... you've always worked out?

Joe Rogan 8:12 I just go crazy. Yeah. I go crazy. (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:16 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:16 Don't you ever think a- have you ever thought about someone who, like, really disrespected you right before you lift? You know what I mean? Like right before a set?

Tom Segura 8:22 (laughs) Dude, that's all that happens online. Is you guys.

Joe Rogan 8:25 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:25 "You can't read that shit."

Tom Segura 8:26 You can't ... Open up my comments is-

Bert Kreischer 8:27 But you've never, like, you don't ever g- I've gone to, like, a moment, you know, where you're like, "I wish I would've cracked that dude in the face." And then right before-

Joe Rogan 8:34 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 8:34 ... right before a set.

Tom Segura 8:34 I didn't think about that. No, I have not.

Bert Kreischer 8:35 Yeah. I didn't think about that.

Tom Segura 8:36 And I know ... I'm definitely know what I want. I know who I'm thinking about, and I'm gonna try it.

Bert Kreischer 8:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:39 Over- All right. Don't say any names. Yeah, what does he rhyme with?

Tom Segura 8:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:44 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:44 (laughs)

Tom Segura 8:44 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:45 In order to, like, t- t- to just really get yourself into that place, y- you know, you don't have to think about something that's terrifying and negative. But to me that's, like, that's the ultimate position that where you're gonna need energy.

Tom Segura 9:01 This is so silly. The one ... The best shape I've ever been in is when I met my wife, I was 186 pounds.

Bert Kreischer 9:06 Damn.

Joe Rogan 9:07 Ooh.

Tom Segura 9:07 Yeah, dude, I, I look ... You ... It's t-

Joe Rogan 9:09 You must've shredded.

Tom Segura 9:09 Jamie, type in Skinny Bert.

Joe Rogan 9:10 I've seen those pictures.

Tom Segura 9:11 I've shown ... Yeah, yeah. It's ... I don't even look-

Joe Rogan 9:12 Yeah. You almost had a six pack.

Tom Segura 9:13 Almost.

Joe Rogan 9:13 You had a three pack.

Tom Segura 9:14 And I had, like, side muscle.

Joe Rogan 9:15 Yeah. Little s- little oblique.

Tom Segura 9:17 I'm going for that this year, this month.

Joe Rogan 9:18 Damn.

Tom Segura 9:18 I'm really going hard.

Joe Rogan 9:19 You can do it.

Tom Segura 9:19 I'm going hard this month. I've, I've gua- I said to J- Jamie, I made a b- deal with myself. Every day I'm gonna do 50 air squats and 50 pushups. I was gonna do 100.

Joe Rogan 9:27 Look at that. Look at Skinny Bert. Damn, dude.

Bert Kreischer 9:29 Wow.

Tom Segura 9:29 In that ... By the way, I was joke pot posing.

Joe Rogan 9:31 You fucking stud. But you were a fucking stud. Look at that.

Tom Segura 9:33 That was me. That was when I was in spin class.

Joe Rogan 9:34 Look how skinny your face is.

Tom Segura 9:36 I know.

Joe Rogan 9:36 Well, your s- your face was super skinny after last year's Sober October. That photo that we ... that you posted, that you sent to us.

Tom Segura 9:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:42 Like, "Look at my skinny face."

Tom Segura 9:43 I'm going back. I'm going hard this month. I really am. And I'm gonna ... 'cause I'm gonna enjoy it. Last month I think ... last time I did it was outta spite. I wanted to prove to everyone I could stop drinking. This month I'm going into it having not drank probably a, a third as much as last year. I mean, meaning like I've drank three quarters as much. Does that make sense?

Joe Rogan 10:01 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 10:01 And so, um ... But when I was in spin class, we had Bob from The Biggest Loser was our spin class teacher at Crunch.

Joe Rogan 10:06 Really?

Tom Segura 10:06 This is back ... Yeah, yeah. Isn't that crazy?

Joe Rogan 10:08 Wait a minute. Is Bob the coach from The Biggest Loser or coach-

Bert Kreischer 10:10 Yeah. Yeah.

Tom Segura 10:10 Coach.

Joe Rogan 10:10 ... contestant. Okay.

Bert Kreischer 10:11 Coach.

Joe Rogan 10:11 I never watched that show.

Tom Segura 10:12 Uh, he's, he's ... He was amazing. His inspiration was so connect- he connected to me so quickly. One time it's right before Thanksgiving, and, uh, I'm, I'm looking good. I'm g- I gotta go to a wedding, my buddy's wedding. And I'm on, on the bike and he goes, "All right, everyone out of the saddles. We're gonna be outta the saddles for two minutes." And I'm like, "Fuck this." And then he says, "You're going h-" I, I felt like he was talking to me. He goes, "You're going home for Thanksgiving. You're gonna see all the people in high school, all the people that didn't wanna have sex with you. Do you want them to want to have sex with you this weekend?" And I was like, "Yeah." And he goes, "Then stay out of that fucking saddle. Stay outta that saddle and earn your Thanksgiving dinner and go out to bars the night before and say, 'I won't fuck you. I'm better than you.'" And I'm just going-

Joe Rogan 10:49 Oh.

Tom Segura 10:50 ... "I want them to fuck me. I want them to fuck me." (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:52 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:53 I d- dude ... (laughs) I ...

Joe Rogan 10:53 Damn, Bob.

Bert Kreischer 10:53 Bob, think of that box.

Tom Segura 10:55 Jesus. I think of that-

Joe Rogan 10:55 Bob went hard in the paint.

Tom Segura 10:56 Dude.

Joe Rogan 10:57 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 10:57 I ... That connected with me so hard. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:59 (laughs)

Tom Segura 10:59 That vanity of like, "I want people to want me."

Joe Rogan 11:02 Isn't that funny, man? That'd be, like, motivated so many comedians.

Tom Segura 11:05 Oh.

Joe Rogan 11:05 You know, just being a loser in high school. And, "I'll show you-

Bert Kreischer 11:07 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:08 ... guys. I'll show you."

Tom Segura 11:10 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 11:10 There's people that take them ... that takes 'em straight to their deathbed too.

Joe Rogan 11:12 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 11:12 They're still like-

Tom Segura 11:13 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 11:14 They're still like, "Yeah, fucking Sarah-

Joe Rogan 11:17 Fucking Bundy.

Bert Kreischer 11:18 ... seventh grade. This is for her."

Tom Segura 11:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:20 Yeah.

Tom Segura 11:21 My motivation is ... I th- I think I'm getting to the bottom of it, is I want people to like me.

Joe Rogan 11:26 People love you.

Tom Segura 11:26 I know. I know, but I think it's un- I do that in an unhealthy way.

Joe Rogan 11:29 You have a Netflix special.

Tom Segura 11:29 Oh, thank you, Joe.

Joe Rogan 11:30 It's pretty good.

Tom Segura 11:30 Ooh, speaking of which, thank you.

Joe Rogan 11:32 (laughs)

Tom Segura 11:32 Thank ... Are you for real?

Joe Rogan 11:33 Yeah. It's fun, man.

Tom Segura 11:33 You two, you two liking my special is the best compliments I've gotten.

Bert Kreischer 11:38 You worked hard at it. You can tell.

Tom Segura 11:39 You got it.

Joe Rogan 11:39 Yeah, you did.

Bert Kreischer 11:40 Thank you very much. Everyone, it's Secret Time, it's streaming right now. But Joe Rogan special star- drops tomorrow?

Joe Rogan 11:45 Tonight.

Tom Segura 11:45 Tonight at midnight.

Bert Kreischer 11:46 Midnight. Midnight.

Joe Rogan 11:47 Midnight. Yeah.

Tom Segura 11:48 I saw that ... Dude, that, that trailer's one of the best trailers I've seen for a special in a long time.

Joe Rogan 11:51 I worked hard at it. I hope people like it. Some people are gonna hate it, but that's normal.

Bert Kreischer 11:56 That is normal.

Joe Rogan 11:56 But I've, I've worked at it as hard as a- anything I've ever worked on, ever. For sure.

Bert Kreischer 12:01 This hour.

Joe Rogan 12:01 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 12:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:02 Yeah. I fucking went hard on this one.

Bert Kreischer 12:03 No, ..........................

Tom Segura 12:03 It's a good feeling to go ... to get done with something-

Joe Rogan 12:06 Yeah.

Tom Segura 12:06 ... and go, "I did the best I could do."

Joe Rogan 12:07 "I did the best I could do, for sure. A hundred percent. I couldn't have done any better." Because if I did any more ... The only thing that c- you could say is like, maybe a little more time, like maybe a month or two more time on some of the bits. Like, but you never know when that is.

Tom Segura 12:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:20 You know? It's like-... there's a, there's a, there's a sort of like a period where they're developing and then they mature and then they're solid. And then you never know, like, are they done or is there, like, one more tagline that I'm missing here? 'Cause you know how like s- (laughs) it's always the case, you, you film and then right after you're done you have a brand new tagline that makes the bit-

Bert Kreischer 12:38 Always.

Joe Rogan 12:38 ... five times as good.

Bert Kreischer 12:39 Dude-

12:39 It's always like the next Saturday, you're like, "You motherfucker."

12:41 Dude, the next week-

12:42 (laughs)

12:42 ... I wrote that, did that special. The next week I'm in, I'm in, uh, Michigan doing some theater and, uh, I had that Alexa bit about, um, fucking t- uh, Alexa talking back. I talk to Alexa like I talk to women and whatever the bit is. And then next week I write the bit. I wish they had a fleshlight attachment for Alexa so I could shut her up the way I want to.

Joe Rogan 12:59 (sighs)

Bert Kreischer 13:00 And fuck, and I'm like, "Goddammit, where the fuck was that?"

13:02 It's always like that.

Joe Rogan 13:02 Goddammit. That's how it always goes.

Bert Kreischer 13:03 Your mind doesn't open up, your mind doesn't open up all the way till it's like, doesn't have any pressure, you know.

Joe Rogan 13:09 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:09 So it's like the pressure's gone-

Joe Rogan 13:10 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 13:10 ... and then you're like, "Oh, I could take it here, I could take it there." And you're like, "I wish I could think like this before I record," but you can't. It just doesn't happen.

Joe Rogan 13:16 You know what's interesting is that, we've talked about this, the after the special's over, you're like, "I don't have any material and I don't have anything to think about."

Bert Kreischer 13:23 So terrifying.

13:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:25 But you always find it, like, over time and then before you know it, like, "Wow, I got a new hour."

Bert Kreischer 13:30 Yeah, like s- it happens.

Joe Rogan 13:31 It happens.

Bert Kreischer 13:32 And it happens quicker the more you've done it.

Joe Rogan 13:34 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 13:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:35 Yeah, because you know you can do it. That's one of the, the sad things about these guys. Like, I was talking to a guy the other day, like, "How long you been doing comedy?" And he's like, "Seven years." I go, "How much time do you have?" He's like, "20 minutes." I go, "That's fucking ruthlessly unacceptable."

Bert Kreischer 13:47 It's terrible.

Joe Rogan 13:47 I go, "You, you're lazy."

Bert Kreischer 13:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:49 Like, you've been doing comedy for seven years, you have 20 minutes and out of those 20 minutes, 10 you should throw away.

Bert Kreischer 13:54 Right.

Joe Rogan 13:54 That's crazy. But that's what happens.

Bert Kreischer 13:56 But they're not, but they're not doing it enough. You're not doing it enough.

Joe Rogan 13:58 They don't get enough sets and the s- you know, it's hard. You're doing open mics and when you're doing open mics, everyone sucks, so you look like a hero if you have anything that's remotely humorous.

Bert Kreischer 14:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:09 And so y- but then you try to remotely humorous stuff and you do it on, at the Icehouse and people are like, "Ha."

Bert Kreischer 14:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:15 You know, like, you go on between you and you and, you know, you do this bullshit that you used to do in an open mic night and people are just not having it.

Bert Kreischer 14:21 That's why real sets are so different than-

Joe Rogan 14:24 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 14:24 ... you know what I mean? If you don't, if you don't get in front of real crowds-

Joe Rogan 14:26 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 14:27 And it's not, you know, it's not entirely up to you, obviously, when you're starting out. It's hard to get in front of real-

14:31 What do you mean, what do you mean real crowds?

14:32 Like a real show.

Joe Rogan 14:33 Professional?

Bert Kreischer 14:34 A professional audience.

14:34 Oh, oh, like not just open mics?

14:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:35 As opposed to, yeah. Those Bringer shows-

Bert Kreischer 14:37 Like, those open mic shows. You know, th- that's why it's invaluable, like, even if you give somebody an opportunity to come on your show for them, like a, a, an up and comer, because they don't normally have real audiences-

Joe Rogan 14:49 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 14:49 ... to perform in front of.

Joe Rogan 14:50 Yeah, it's giant for them.

Bert Kreischer 14:52 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:52 It's a wake-up call.

Bert Kreischer 14:53 Oh, yeah. Then they're like, "Holy shit, this is a real show."

Joe Rogan 14:55 Yeah. People have expectations when they pay money.

Bert Kreischer 14:58 Absolutely.

Joe Rogan 14:58 When you go to one of those open mic nights, people are just drunk and everyone's terrible, so you're just laughing at basically anything.

Bert Kreischer 15:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:05 You know.

Bert Kreischer 15:05 I think it does- it like-

15:06 You can laugh... Someone can tell by how bad they are, you know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:08 Yeah, for sure. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 15:10 People are just like slamming the table-

Joe Rogan 15:12 Peter Chen made a almost career out of that.

Bert Kreischer 15:14 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:14 Yeah. Peter Chen. He was a guy who was so bad, um, I... Chris Maguire was auditioning, uh, for Mitzy, and, uh, Peter t- Mitzy thought it was funny 'cause M- Mitzy was so hilarious. She thought it was funny that one of the worst comics in LA, don't pull this picture up-

Bert Kreischer 15:33 (laughs)

15:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:35 ... he was hosting the open mic night.

Bert Kreischer 15:37 Really?

Joe Rogan 15:38 Yeah. She thought it was funny and, but I knew that Maguire was gonna have to audition for Mitzy, so I said, "Fuck that." So I called up the store, I said, "I'm hosting." I said, "I'll host an open mic night." And so I came down and host- hosted the open mic night just, just to keep him from hosting it.

Bert Kreischer 15:51 That's great.

15:52 So you did that like as a save for your buddy?

Joe Rogan 15:54 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 15:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:55 Yeah, 'cause I knew he was gonna, uh, y- you know, there's a, you, there would be too much to address and you have three minutes. There'd be too much, too much chaos to address.

Bert Kreischer 16:05 I hosted a show as a favor one time and ended up snapping on a lady in the audience. (laughs)

16:08 (laughs)

16:08 And ruined the show. And they were like, "Thanks."

Joe Rogan 16:12 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:12 Why did you, uh-

Bert Kreischer 16:13 Dude, 'cause I arri- it was a showcase for Montreal and I arrived at the show before it, right? So there's like a seven o'clock thing and then the nine o'clock showcase. And they asked me to, to host it-

16:25 (laughs)

16:25 ... and the, and a lady at the seven o'clock show, at the earlier show is in, like, the front row just yelling out drunk. And she's older and she's like, "Yeah," like, tagging every comic's thing, commenting on it-

16:38 (sighs)

16:38 ... and I'm like, "Ugh." And I'm just like so irritated, but I'm like, "Well, at least, you know, this show's almost over." So the show ends, you know, people leave. We're getting ready to start a second show, I look, she's staying in her seat. And I was like, "You gotta be kidding me." So second show starts and I'm already, you're primed, you know, like if you watch something that, that gets you agitated and then-

17:01 (laughs)

17:02 ... you're like-

Joe Rogan 17:02 You're overreacting.

Bert Kreischer 17:03 Yeah, you're overreacting 'cause you're like, you're primed for it.

Joe Rogan 17:05 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 17:05 So like, I started and it was like, I said like my first joke and she said... I go, "You fucking cunt, shut up!"

17:13 (screams)

17:13 Right? And then-

17:14 And no one knows you have a history of that? (laughs)

17:15 No, no, no, no. (laughs) So-

17:17 It just looks like you lit her up for no reason.

17:20 Oh, dude, people in the audience were like, "Don't talk to her like that." And I'm like, "You don't know what she's doing."

17:25 (laughs)

17:25 Like, so... And then it just went-

17:27 (screams)

17:27 ... really bad. And then I'm like, "Give it up for this guy who wants to go to Montreal." (laughs) Like-

17:32 Oh, no.

17:32 It was terrible. It was terrible.

17:34 Oh, no.

17:35 But then she ended up leaving. Her friend came back in and while I'm on stage goes, "Did you call her a cunt?" Like, in the show. And I go, "Yeah." She goes, "That's my friend." And I go, "Well, then you're a cunt too."

17:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 17:47 And then she leaves and her son comes back.

17:51 Oh, my God.

Joe Rogan 17:52 Her son?

Bert Kreischer 17:52 Her son comes back looking for me.

17:54 Oh, no. Oh, no.

17:54 He's like, "Can I talk to you for a second?" And I was like, "All right." And then he- (laughs)

17:58 (laughs)

17:58 ... looked serious too. And he was like, "Did you call my mom a cunt?" And I go, "Which one is she?"

18:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:04 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:04 And he goes, "This lady over here." So I go outside and I talk to basically the lady who was the friend. So I go... She goes, "What is going on? What..." I go, "Your friend has been disrupting, yelling out people, drunk, belligerent." She goes, "You, you, you call her this, you call me that." And I go, "All right. Well, I'm sorry I called you that."

18:26 ... but I'm not sorry I called your friend that. She is what she is. And she's like, "You can be a nice person. I see it in you."

Joe Rogan 18:32 Aah!

Bert Kreischer 18:32 And I was like, "Oh."

Joe Rogan 18:34 She got you with love. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:35 Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I was like, "Yeah." I go, "Get your friend out of here. No one wants her here, okay?" And she was like, "Okay." And then her son was like, "Thank you. That was very disrespectful to my mother." And I was like, "Okay, man, we're good. I gotta go back and host this disaster that I-"

Joe Rogan 18:49 (laughs) Created.

Bert Kreischer 18:51 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:53 Oh, it's the worst.

Bert Kreischer 18:54 It was such a train wreck.

Joe Rogan 18:56 Well, some people just think that if you're saying something they disagree with, they, they don't think that they need to just like wait it out. They think they can stop you in the middle.

Bert Kreischer 19:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:04 And the problem for me in particular, like a lot of my bits start off one way, like they look like they're gonna be way more outrageous than they are, and then I turn them around.

Bert Kreischer 19:13 Sure.

Joe Rogan 19:13 But when I'm starting it off, and then you, you just attack, like, like you're fucking up the bit, like you don't even understand-

Bert Kreischer 19:20 It's-

Joe Rogan 19:20 ... what I'm doing. It's the whole thing about freedom of speech in a weird way. I had a joke about pedophilia, uh, and I just started it, and the woman ju- this woman who was a fan of mine and everything, she just goes, "No! Stop!"

Bert Kreischer 19:32 Oh.

Joe Rogan 19:32 And then now it looks like I'm pro-pedophilia. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 19:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:35 Haven't gotten to the fucking punchline.

Bert Kreischer 19:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:36 Just looks like I'm into fucking kids and 'cause now I'm not allowed to finish it.

Bert Kreischer 19:39 Now, those people shouldn't be a- you know, allowed at shows because they're not even letting, they're not even letting the, the art form take place.

Joe Rogan 19:47 Yeah. You can't.

Bert Kreischer 19:48 You crafted something, you know?

Joe Rogan 19:49 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 19:49 You're like, let it play out.

Joe Rogan 19:50 You can't do that. I mean, you just, they should just kick you out. You just like, you're fucking up the whole experience for the whole crowd because like a guy like Brian Holtzman would literally never be able to perform-

Bert Kreischer 20:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:00 ... if the audience is filled with people like that.

Bert Kreischer 20:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:02 So people like you and I who enjoy him, we would never be able to see him because his whole act is saying outrageous shit like that, that absolutely he doesn't really mean.

Bert Kreischer 20:12 Right.

Joe Rogan 20:12 But the funny thing is the twists and the turns-

Bert Kreischer 20:15 Right.

Joe Rogan 20:15 ... getting you to laugh at this stuff.

Bert Kreischer 20:16 The other funny thing is, is that he's supposed to act like he does mean it.

Joe Rogan 20:20 Yes. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 20:21 Like that's what's funny.

Joe Rogan 20:23 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 20:23 It's like that people are like always like, you know, they get super upset about this thing, and it's like, he said this and that, like yeah, but don't you get that-

Joe Rogan 20:31 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 20:31 ... it's, it's the performance?

Joe Rogan 20:32 I used to have this joke about the second coming project. Do you know what the second coming project is?

Bert Kreischer 20:37 Mm-mm.

Joe Rogan 20:37 When they first started fucking around with genes and cloning, they, um, there was a group of radical Christians that had this idea, I think it might have event- it might have been bullshit eventually, but what their idea was, they were gonna take some genetic material from the Shroud of Turin, and they were gonna clone Jesus. And so my bit was, what if you clone Jesus and it doesn't come out good? Like, you know, they had to do Dolly the sheep like 30 times until they got it right. Like what if, what if you, what if you clone Jesus and he comes back handicapped?

Bert Kreischer 21:16 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:17 And I had this whole fucked up thing about them following around this handicapped Jesus. Instead of turning water into wine, he turns like dog shit into cookies. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:27 (laughs) And so this fucking lady, this lady goes, "Next subject!"

Bert Kreischer 21:33 Oh, yeah. And she's sitting in the, in the, in the front row. So I, I did the bit to her. I just looked- Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 21:40 ... looked her in-

Bert Kreischer 21:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:41 ... the eyes, and I kept doing it, you know, uh, "By the power of Christ, I compel you." And I was do- doing... It was a horrible bit, you know?

Bert Kreischer 21:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:48 It's like, we're talking like 1998 or some shit like that, right?

Bert Kreischer 21:53 Right.

Joe Rogan 21:53 So it was clunky anyway. But, uh, she's literally saying, "Next subject."

Bert Kreischer 21:59 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:59 Which is I'm never gonna, never gonna listen to you. Like what-

Bert Kreischer 22:02 No way.

Joe Rogan 22:03 That's like when you tell someone, "Shut the fuck up."

Bert Kreischer 22:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:05 Like, why would they shut the fuck up?

Bert Kreischer 22:06 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:07 Nobody... That doesn't work.

Bert Kreischer 22:08 No.

Joe Rogan 22:08 Nobody just, nobody... You want them to shut the fuck up, but you have under- no understanding of the power of persuasion-

Bert Kreischer 22:14 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:14 ... or the fact that other people aren't you, like you're not in control of other people. So if you tell someone, "Shut the fuck up," like that doesn't work.

Bert Kreischer 22:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:23 This is just a poor way of you under- you don't understand human beings.

Bert Kreischer 22:27 Right.

Joe Rogan 22:27 Like you haven't thought this through. You just know what you want in your selfish little head, and so you say it to them. This is how most arguments and most fights get started because people don't take into consideration at all the fact that they're communicating with another human being who has their own set of emotions, their own life, their own problems, their own ego.

Bert Kreischer 22:45 It's true. There's sure fire away at any comedy show to hear more of the same-

Joe Rogan 22:50 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 22:50 ... topic is to be like, "Next."

Joe Rogan 22:52 Yeah. "Next subject." Fuck you.

Bert Kreischer 22:54 It's on the internet.

Joe Rogan 22:55 Yeah. That's a, uh, and that's what I'm, I, I've, I almost, I, sometimes I preface it where I go, "Hey, you got..." Like if you don't like what I'm about to say 'cause I've, I've had a couple things now that are a little, I think too far, I go, "Just come talk to me after the show." Don't even do that.

Bert Kreischer 23:09 Just don't interrupt things. I've had, I've had people change my mind on bit, like I had a bit that worked on my podcast very well, and then I tried it in a club, and this Black chick came up to me, and she's like, "It's a really fucked up joke." (laughs) And I was like, "Really?" Super racist or something?

Joe Rogan 23:23 Was it super, super racist like the Black guy at CrossFit racist or?

Bert Kreischer 23:26 (laughs) I think it might have been worse. Really?

Joe Rogan 23:29 I don't know. I don't know. It didn't bother me, but, but the Black chick in DC was like, "I love the show, all of it. I just think-"

Bert Kreischer 23:36 How many years ago was this?

Joe Rogan 23:37 "A year ago." And I was like, and part of me is like, uh...

Bert Kreischer 23:40 Is it a bit that's in the special then?

Joe Rogan 23:42 No.

Bert Kreischer 23:42 Ah.

Joe Rogan 23:42 No, no, no, no, no. Never made it? No. And so I couldn't... And I, and I, it's, it's like, it's almost like I didn't want, I wanted to tell it, but I could figure it out to work it out, but I didn't want to have to deal with all the fucking steps.

Bert Kreischer 23:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:55 All the steps, and I was like- Yeah. ... I'm like, I'm not gonna die on that hill.

Bert Kreischer 23:58 Right.

Joe Rogan 23:58 Like when it... I don't, I don't really talk about race much in my act, so I'm like, I don't really, I'm not gonna die on that hill for that bit. You know what I mean? You know what you gotta do with a bit like that? You gotta look at it as if you're someone trying to deconstruct it, like you're someone who's trying to attack that bit.

Bert Kreischer 24:12 See, for me, a bit works best the very first time I do it. And then, and I, and then every, every, every working bit I do around that to like take it apart and figure out another way to approach it, that's where I start fucking it up.

Joe Rogan 24:25 Really?

Bert Kreischer 24:25 It's like the first time I say it, I go, "Woo, let's hope we can find that again."

Joe Rogan 24:29 ... that's, uh, I'm the polar opposite.

Bert Kreischer 24:31 Hm.

Tom Segura 24:31 Oh, no.

Joe Rogan 24:32 Occasionally I'll say something good the first time, but most of the time when I say something, it seems like a sprout or a seed.

Tom Segura 24:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:38 And then I'm like, maybe the... Okay, I, I gotta... But do you, how much time do you spend listening to recordings?

Tom Segura 24:43 A lot.

Joe Rogan 24:44 Hm.

Tom Segura 24:44 A lot now. I, uh, after that last special, I did it obsessively.

Joe Rogan 24:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:48 And then I got into it. I got into recording. And now what I do is I will bit out. I, if I don't have video, I like to have video because I think the video aspect really lets me know why things were... Like-

Joe Rogan 24:57 Right.

Tom Segura 24:57 ... I had this bit where I, my, I do my eyes a little different and it was killing and I saw it on video and I went, "Oh, I gotta make sure to do that." But, um, I, for me it's that, I, I, it's almost like I'm always tr- trying to chase to get back to that first time I told it.

Joe Rogan 25:12 Right, that feeling.

Tom Segura 25:13 Yeah. I like to clip it out and then put chunks of like, all right, here's where the Starbucks bit is, here's this is. And then look at the different ones and go, "Oh, why did that work better than this one?" But, um, but I'm also, I've gotten really into editing videos and stuff, so it's a lot easier for me than it was when I first started. Now I'm just like, oh, real quick, sync up audio and... 'Cause I'll do audio and video, different tracks, sync them up, and then just clip them out and put them in folders.

Joe Rogan 25:36 Audio and video? What do you mean?

Tom Segura 25:37 I t- I do... I'm a, I got a little nerdy about it. I take a H46 and H-

Joe Rogan 25:43 What is that?

Bert Kreischer 25:43 An audio recorder.

Tom Segura 25:44 It's a, it's a z- a Zoom recorder.

Joe Rogan 25:46 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 25:47 Zoom H46. And then I'll take my camera, put it in the back, oh, if I can, or I'll have the club run, run video. But I like to sync up clean audio and clean video. That way if I do have something fun, like Hannibal got on stage with me the other night, and I was like, "Ah, cool, I got all this shit that's, I could d- definitely put online." If I... I don't know I'm gonna want to do that to Hannibal. I'd have to run it by him first. But I got real clean audio of it.

Joe Rogan 26:07 Oh, that's interesting. So you are doing it through the soundboard?

Tom Segura 26:10 No, I do it through... The H46 is like the best. It's, it... And I have a, uh, basically a surround sound mic on that.

Joe Rogan 26:17 Which one's it called again? What is it?

Tom Segura 26:18 H46. It's bigger.

Joe Rogan 26:19 H46 Zoom?

Tom Segura 26:20 A Zoom H46. Right? Am I right on that? Or is it just the H6? Oh, it's the H6. It's the H6.

Joe Rogan 26:26 H6. H6.

Tom Segura 26:26 H6. The other one's the H4N.

Joe Rogan 26:28 And it's Zoom?

Bert Kreischer 26:29 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:29 Zoom H6.

Joe Rogan 26:30 Z-O-O-M?

Bert Kreischer 26:30 O-O-M. Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:31 Audio recorder?

Tom Segura 26:32 And-

Joe Rogan 26:32 How big is that thing?

Tom Segura 26:33 It's about the size of, it's about the size of this box.

Bert Kreischer 26:36 Like a fucking taser.

Joe Rogan 26:37 Oh, is there-

Tom Segura 26:37 But they make a Zoom-

Joe Rogan 26:38 Yeah, it looks like a rotat- Like a... Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 26:39 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:39 Th- they make a Zoom that's smaller that I take with me now that fits in my pocket. It's like the size of a lighter, that's really great.

Joe Rogan 26:45 Yeah? Pull that out. Let me see what that looks like.

Tom Segura 26:47 Pullipole Zoom.

Joe Rogan 26:48 So y- you... What I like about doing it on my phone though is that I ca- I have them always with me all the time.

Tom Segura 26:53 Yeah, it's great.

Joe Rogan 26:53 And then I, I sync it up in my car on the way to the gig.

Bert Kreischer 26:56 That's what I did, uh, the other night too. Listen on the way there, new stuff.

Joe Rogan 26:59 Fucking helps, giant-

Bert Kreischer 27:00 On the way out you go like, that... 'Cause I like the, I like the puzzle solving aspect of putting together sets. You know what I mean?

Joe Rogan 27:07 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:07 When you go like, "Ah, man." Like, "Why does this, when I do it fourth it kills, but if I do it fifth it's garbage." It just...

Joe Rogan 27:15 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 27:15 You know? And like, you're trying to-

Tom Segura 27:16 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:16 ... like, figure out-

Joe Rogan 27:16 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:16 ... "Well, maybe this needs to be punched up. Maybe this should move here." I like doing that. I like figuring that out.

Joe Rogan 27:21 Yeah. And there's always those mystery punchlines that you didn't think were gonna be a punchline-

Bert Kreischer 27:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:24 ... and it crushes.

Tom Segura 27:25 Sure.

Bert Kreischer 27:25 Oof.

Joe Rogan 27:25 And you're like, "What the fuck is... What are you laughing at?"

Bert Kreischer 27:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:28 "I don't get it."

Tom Segura 27:28 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 27:28 "Like, what happened there?"

Tom Segura 27:29 Dude, uh, the, just the time that w- you guys were in the back of the room and I said, "I used to think Anne Frank and Helen Keller were the same person."

Joe Rogan 27:35 (laughs)

Tom Segura 27:35 And I, I had no- I didn't think that was funny at all. And you were like, "Please tell me that's a bit." And I was like, "No."

Joe Rogan 27:39 That was at, uh, Standup on the Spot.

Tom Segura 27:40 Standup on the Spot. That Standup on the Spot's the most useful fucking thing ever.

Bert Kreischer 27:43 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:43 Super. Okay, so which one is it?

Tom Segura 27:45 I've got the H6, I've got the H4N, and then the H1N is the one I got, I take with me.

Joe Rogan 27:50 So is the... The H6 is the larger one that's like a taser looking thing.

Tom Segura 27:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:53 And then which is the one you take with you? The tiny one?

Tom Segura 27:55 The H1-N.

Joe Rogan 27:55 And that's really little?

Tom Segura 27:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:57 How's the s- uh, what's the comparison in the sound between the H1N and the H6?

Tom Segura 28:01 Uh, a, a big jump in my opinion.

Joe Rogan 28:03 Yeah?

Tom Segura 28:04 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 28:04 It should be the same.

Joe Rogan 28:05 Jamie?

Bert Kreischer 28:05 Should be the same.

Joe Rogan 28:06 What, how so?

Bert Kreischer 28:07 Uh, I would, it would be, it should be the same microphones. Uh, the H6 is just gonna allow you to do six tracks, that's what the 6 is.

Joe Rogan 28:14 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 28:14 It's gonna let you do six inputs. This was probably just one track or maybe it's two. It's two-

Tom Segura 28:18 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 28:18 ... 'cause it's left and right, and that's why there's two microphones.

Joe Rogan 28:20 Oh, interesting.

Tom Segura 28:21 That one's a great mi- I c- I take that with me and it you- it shows you how much time you have. You put a 64 gigabyte, uh, mini SD card in and you get like 118 hours of recording.

Bert Kreischer 28:32 How's the battery?

Joe Rogan 28:32 Uh, also if you do-

Tom Segura 28:33 I go through batteries pretty quick, but if you use lithium batteries it's not that bad.

Joe Rogan 28:36 So you, if you do a mini SD card, you could take that mini SD card and put it... If you have a phone like a... I just, uh, got an Android phone. I got this, uh, Galaxy Note 9, and it has, uh, it, it takes up to one terabyte of storage. Look at that.

Bert Kreischer 28:52 Holy shit.

Joe Rogan 28:52 Look how pretty. Look.

Bert Kreischer 28:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:54 Look at the stars. Look at all those stars.

Tom Segura 28:55 Is that new?

Joe Rogan 28:56 Yeah, but-

Tom Segura 28:56 And it takes an SD card?

Joe Rogan 28:57 Yeah.

Tom Segura 28:58 Shut the fuck up.

Joe Rogan 28:59 Yeah, it takes an SD card. It takes up to one terabyte of storage. Um, it's fucking phenomenal.

Bert Kreischer 29:05 Yeah, it's great.

Joe Rogan 29:05 It's fucking phenomenal. They used to be that they were like way inferior to iPhones. It's not the case anymore. In fact I think... Like look how big that screen is. Look how pretty.

Tom Segura 29:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:16 Look how much storage.

Tom Segura 29:16 That's great.

Joe Rogan 29:16 Look how pretty. Look how pretty.

Bert Kreischer 29:18 Who makes that?

Joe Rogan 29:19 Uh, Samsung.

Bert Kreischer 29:19 That's Samsung.

Joe Rogan 29:20 The, um, the, the fingerprint reader is fucking instant and it has a, a pen where you could write on the lock screen.

Bert Kreischer 29:28 Hm.

Joe Rogan 29:28 So on the lock screen you can take notes and write on the screen.

Tom Segura 29:34 I haven't written in my joke book-

Bert Kreischer 29:36 Really?

Tom Segura 29:36 ... in forever I feel like.

Joe Rogan 29:37 Look at that.

Bert Kreischer 29:38 Whoa. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:41 (laughs)

Tom Segura 29:41 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 29:41 You write on the lock screen.

Tom Segura 29:42 Yeah, you sure can.

Joe Rogan 29:44 And then y- and then you save those to your notes, bam.

Bert Kreischer 29:46 Yeah.

Tom Segura 29:47 (coughs)

Bert Kreischer 29:47 That's really cool.

Joe Rogan 29:47 And then this also works as a remote control, so if you're playing music, if you're playing music on this thing, while you're playing music this will start and stop your music. It's fucking phenomenal.

Bert Kreischer 29:58 Are you just gonna stomp out your iPhone right now?

Joe Rogan 30:00 I don't know, man. I'm trying to figure out what to do. I've always had that.

Tom Segura 30:02 Do both numbers go to that same phone?

Joe Rogan 30:04 No, but the other thing about the new iPhone that Jamie was telling me is that you can, um, you can have two different phone numbers. Were you telling me that? No, Brian was. You can have two different phone numbers on the iPhone.

Bert Kreischer 30:15 On the new one.

Joe Rogan 30:16 Yeah.

Tom Segura 30:16 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:17 It can take, it takes like a second card. So say like if you have a business line-

Bert Kreischer 30:20 Oh, that's-

Joe Rogan 30:20 ... and a home line-

Bert Kreischer 30:21 Great.

Joe Rogan 30:22 ... and then you take that SIM card out for the business line or you disable the business line. And you're like, "Fuck you."

Bert Kreischer 30:27 (laughs)

Tom Segura 30:28 Oh. Ooh.

Joe Rogan 30:28 And then you don't get business calls. So say like if you have a phone that only like your best friends, your wife-

Bert Kreischer 30:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:33 ... have, and then the next is like agents and other bullshit.

Bert Kreischer 30:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:37 ... but, uh-

Bert Kreischer 30:37 Or you just set up a whole decoy number, for like people you don't wanna have your number.

Joe Rogan 30:42 Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Tom Segura 30:43 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 30:43 But you can also do something like that with, um ... What is that thing? Um, (smacks lips) there's a (taps table) Google Voice, right? Doesn't Google Voice have some shit like that?

Tom Segura 30:54 Yeah, you can have a separate ph- ... That's the th- ... You can have that-

Bert Kreischer 30:56 (clears throat)

Joe Rogan 30:56 ... rerouted to your phone number-

Tom Segura 30:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:57 ... and have like a business line kinda thing. Look, look at this. This thing, (music plays) it works as a remote control, so check this out. I'll crank it up.

Tom Segura 31:07 You take pictures with it too, right?

Joe Rogan 31:08 Yep. Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 31:09 What? (music plays) So you're using that pen?

Joe Rogan 31:13 Yeah. Watch. Bang. (music stops) See that? Now press it.

Tom Segura 31:17 Yeah. (music plays)

31:20 Box cutter Pazzi.

Joe Rogan 31:21 Yeah. Come on. How about that?

Bert Kreischer 31:23 That's a-

Tom Segura 31:23 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 31:23 How many, how many of those pens you get? Like, 10?

Joe Rogan 31:25 No, it sticks right in here. Watch. Look.

Tom Segura 31:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 31:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:27 Look, it fits in there. Bang.

Bert Kreischer 31:28 That's perfect.

Joe Rogan 31:29 And it charges. It's Bluetooth.

Bert Kreischer 31:32 Nice.

Joe Rogan 31:32 Syncs up to your phone. Syncs as shit.

Bert Kreischer 31:34 Maybe I'll get one of those as a burner phone.

Joe Rogan 31:36 (clears throat) Well, it's $1,000. You wouldn't really want it as a burner phone. It's kind of even more-

Bert Kreischer 31:41 It's kind of like a primary phone. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:42 I'm leaning towards it as my main phone. I really am. I mean, I'm gonna see. The thing about the walled garden of iPhones is, you just get used to that ecosystem.

Bert Kreischer 31:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:51 And right now my, my zone is all on my iPhone. This thing's still sweaty. Touch it if you want. You can touch it.

Bert Kreischer 31:57 Yeah, yeah, I wanna feel-

Joe Rogan 31:58 Feel my sweat?

Bert Kreischer 31:58 Yeah, I wanna drink some-

Tom Segura 31:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 31:59 ... and see if I can get that murderer's sweat inside me.

Joe Rogan 32:01 You just gotta think like that. You just gotta think-

Bert Kreischer 32:03 So what's in-

Joe Rogan 32:03 ... someone's coming after someone you love.

Bert Kreischer 32:05 So wait, let's, let's talk about, um ... So for the month ...

Tom Segura 32:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:11 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:11 (laughs) That's me.

Tom Segura 32:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:13 (laughs) Yeah, he's been thinking about himself.

Bert Kreischer 32:15 (laughs) Fuck.

Joe Rogan 32:15 You just gotta think of that.

Tom Segura 32:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:17 You gotta think of rage. I got, I think of killing coyotes with my bare hands. I think of, uh, I think all kinds of crazy shit.

Bert Kreischer 32:23 I'll tell you what, I'm gonna ... I'm not even fucking around. I'm going to find my inner voice that speaks to me when I need that explosivity.

Joe Rogan 32:31 You just gotta find your dark place. (exhales)

Tom Segura 32:36 (exhales)

Joe Rogan 32:36 (snorts)

Tom Segura 32:36 That's easy access for me, man.

Joe Rogan 32:40 (laughs)

Tom Segura 32:41 (laughs)

32:42 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:42 Yeah, someone said that. Someon- (laughs) So-

Tom Segura 32:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:44 Someone said, uh, "Why is it so, uh, why is it so difficult to Tom, for Tom 'Sober October'," um, he should take time off of thinking about murdering baristas.

Tom Segura 32:54 (laughs)

32:56 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:56 (laughs)

Tom Segura 32:56 If you guys don't know, him and his wife have been doing this thing where, uh, you guys had like, "If you murdered somebody, would you turn me in to the cops?"

Joe Rogan 33:04 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:05 I was blown away by her answer.

Joe Rogan 33:06 She said she would. She was like, "100%." And I was like, "Are you out of your fucking mind?" She goes, "Well, was it an accident?" I'm like, "No. I just told you that I killed somebody, and I got the body in the trunk and no one knows." She's like, "You're a psycho. I don't know what you're gonna do. You're gonna kill me next." I'm like, "Why would I kill you next?"

Tom Segura 33:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 33:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:20 And she's like, "But why'd you kill this guy?" I'm like, "'Cause he pissed me off." It's like it's, you know-

Tom Segura 33:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:24 ... I killed somebody-

Tom Segura 33:25 It's a mistake.

Joe Rogan 33:25 ... that I got ... Yeah.

Tom Segura 33:26 You fucked up-

Joe Rogan 33:26 And I'm like, "I'm sorry."

Tom Segura 33:27 ... just like you called that lady a cunt.

Joe Rogan 33:28 Right. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:28 So-

Joe Rogan 33:29 Like-

Tom Segura 33:29 Got out of hand. Shouldn't have to go to jail forever.

Joe Rogan 33:31 You're my fucking ace, right?

Tom Segura 33:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:32 You're not gonna turn me in. She's like-

Tom Segura 33:33 Come on.

Joe Rogan 33:33 ... "Oh, no, you're unpredictable."

Tom Segura 33:35 She says you ride or die.

Joe Rogan 33:36 That's what I thought.

Bert Kreischer 33:37 Yeah. Don't worry-

Joe Rogan 33:37 She does.

Bert Kreischer 33:37 ... I'm your ride or die. You call me if you kill someone.

Joe Rogan 33:40 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:40 I've got the shovel ready.

Joe Rogan 33:41 Yeah. Right?

Bert Kreischer 33:42 Well, I'm, I'm taking it to the next level. If you come over with a body in the trunk, and you go, "I got a body in the trunk," I get the shovel and you come out, and the body starts to get up out of the trunk, I'll hit him with the shovel and make sure he's dead.

Joe Rogan 33:51 Oh, that's what's up, dude. Thanks.

Bert Kreischer 33:53 That was a close call. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:53 Yeah.

Tom Segura 33:53 Where we going?

Joe Rogan 33:54 Nevada.

Tom Segura 33:54 Where are we gonna go? Drop that body.

Joe Rogan 33:55 Nevada desert.

Bert Kreischer 33:56 Oh, do you know much fun we'd have figuring out a place to go bury a body?

Tom Segura 33:58 Yeah, that'd be hard.

Joe Rogan 33:59 We'd pretty much have places.

Tom Segura 34:00 Yeah, I could take you guys places. Guys, trip.

Joe Rogan 34:01 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:01 See, this is a conversation I wanted with her.

Joe Rogan 34:04 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 34:04 And, uh-

Tom Segura 34:04 Yeah, why wouldn't she do this?

Bert Kreischer 34:05 I don't know, man. She's like, "I got babies now." I fucking ... Like, all right. Whatever.

Tom Segura 34:10 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 34:11 Anyways. I was just telling her ... She's like, "Why did you kill the guy?" I was like, "All right, let's just hypothetically say-"

Tom Segura 34:14 Why does it matter?

Joe Rogan 34:15 Maybe-

Tom Segura 34:15 We talked about that on the ride to the desert.

Joe Rogan 34:17 ... maybe the guy called you a cunt, so I had to kill him.

Bert Kreischer 34:18 I, I killed the guy who called me a cunt.

Tom Segura 34:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:20 I told her he fucked up my coffee order.

Tom Segura 34:22 Oh, call her a cunt.

Bert Kreischer 34:22 Yeah, call her ... Yeah, that's definitely excusable.

Tom Segura 34:24 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:25 She said, she said if it's somebody like, hurt the family or something-

Tom Segura 34:28 Right.

Bert Kreischer 34:28 ... she was like, "Then it's 100% fine."

Tom Segura 34:30 Oh, okay.

Bert Kreischer 34:31 She goes, "But if you're like laying in wait, just like premeditated hanging out (laughs) like, stalking people-"

Tom Segura 34:36 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 34:36 ... she goes, "That I gotta turn you in on." I'm like, "I still think that's bullshit." Like, you're my wife. Why the fuck are you ratting on me?

Tom Segura 34:41 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 34:42 I ... My wife would do the killing for me.

Joe Rogan 34:44 That I believe.

Bert Kreischer 34:44 Like, if someone broke into our house-

Tom Segura 34:45 I believe that.

Bert Kreischer 34:45 ... no questions asked. I already know-

Tom Segura 34:47 I believe that your wife would gun somebody down.

Bert Kreischer 34:48 ... I'd give her the gun and go-

Joe Rogan 34:49 Your wife, you think you'd tell her? She-

Tom Segura 34:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:51 She'd ... But she'd be like, "All right, you gotta go handle this."

Bert Kreischer 34:53 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:53 She'd be like, "I knew it was coming."

Joe Rogan 34:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:55 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:56 (laughs)

34:57 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:57 Matter of time.

Joe Rogan 34:58 (laughs) Yeah.

Tom Segura 34:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:59 All right, guys. We've been-

Joe Rogan 35:00 No.

Bert Kreischer 35:00 We've been pre- prepping for this.

Joe Rogan 35:01 As long as you're nice to the kids. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 35:02 Yeah. (laughs) There you go.

Joe Rogan 35:04 Uh, yeah, man. It's ... What's crazy is, that used to be super normal to kill people. Like-

Bert Kreischer 35:10 You mean like in human history?

Joe Rogan 35:11 Thousands of years ago.

Bert Kreischer 35:11 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 35:12 Uh, 200 years ago.

Joe Rogan 35:13 Yeah, super normal.

Tom Segura 35:15 We have a president that killed somebody or d- or ...

Joe Rogan 35:17 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 35:17 ... did-

Joe Rogan 35:17 In a duel.

Tom Segura 35:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:18 Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 35:19 Can you imagine like, um, how normal, though, where it would be like, it wouldn't even be worth bringing up that you killed somebody that day?

Tom Segura 35:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 35:28 Like-

Tom Segura 35:28 Right.

Bert Kreischer 35:28 ... I mean, if you go back far enough, it's like, yeah, people are just stabbed and-

Tom Segura 35:32 Wait, wait.

Bert Kreischer 35:33 ... there's, there's battles on-

Tom Segura 35:34 Do you think they had their Me Too movement of, of going like, "Stop killing people."

35:39 Like, "Hey, we, you gotta stop killing people, man." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:39 Yeah, when did people just like totally stop killing people?

Bert Kreischer 35:42 I don't know.

Tom Segura 35:42 There had to be a movement where people were like, "Guys, my m- my dad was murdered and no one cares. And s- ... And your dad was murdered," and he's like, "Yeah, that kinda hurt me too."

Bert Kreischer 35:50 Yeah.

Tom Segura 35:50 He's like, "This fucking sucks, man."

Bert Kreischer 35:51 So like the Dark Ages?

Tom Segura 35:53 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 35:53 Like, coming out of that?

Tom Segura 35:54 Oh, no, no, no. Dark Ages is where y- ... uh, you had no free will. When I watch ... When that Game of Thrones, when they cut his dick off in Game of Thrones, uh, it kic- clicked with the part of me where I went, like helplessness. The idea that you can't go, "This isn't fair. You're not allowed to do that." That helplessness, it gave me a panic attack.

Joe Rogan 36:10 Think about that when you're on the treadmill, son.

Tom Segura 36:11 Mm.

36:12 Them cutting my dick off. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:13 There you go.

Joe Rogan 36:14 Yep. Cutting anybody's dick off.

Tom Segura 36:15 Oh.

Joe Rogan 36:15 Just think of that feeling. Just think of those kind of people out there.

Tom Segura 36:18 Like helplessness, that-

Joe Rogan 36:19 Right. And if you're, you're tired, you can't get away.

Tom Segura 36:22 They, when they bound ... I watched, uh, I watched the Marco Polo-

Bert Kreischer 36:24 That's a good one.

Tom Segura 36:25 ... thing, and when they bound that little girl's feet ...

Joe Rogan 36:27 Is that, uh, the Netflix sh-

Tom Segura 36:28 Yeah, it was great.

Joe Rogan 36:29 I didn't watch that. I watched like one or two episodes. It seemed okay.

Tom Segura 36:32 It was great.

Joe Rogan 36:32 Was it good?

Tom Segura 36:33 Yeah. Well, yeah. He- ... Well, I like history. I like anything history. That's why I like ... that, that guy you used to have on, Dan.

Joe Rogan 36:37 Dan Carlin?

Tom Segura 36:38 Dude, I, I love history.

Joe Rogan 36:39 He's awesome.

Tom Segura 36:39 And so, Marco Polo really knew Genghis Khan, apparently.

Joe Rogan 36:43 ... yeah.

Tom Segura 36:43 And, and so-

Joe Rogan 36:44 I think he knew Genghis Khan's son. I think it's Kublai Khan.

Tom Segura 36:48 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Joe Rogan 36:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 36:48 It's Kublai Khan. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:50 Yeah.

Tom Segura 36:50 I like history, but I'm not a stickler for details though.

Joe Rogan 36:53 (laughs) Well, the, the khans, you know, the, the reign was a long time. I mean, they, they ... During Genghis Khan's lifetime, they estimated that he killed, and his people killed, 10% of the world's population.

Tom Segura 37:05 God.

Joe Rogan 37:06 They killed so many people, they changed the carbon footprint of the world. They literally changed how many people were burning things. They literally changed it in core samples. Like, when you do a core sample on the Earth, the carbon footprint of human beings is less while he was alive, because he killed one out of 10 human beings that lived.

Tom Segura 37:25 So, he was eco- it was eco-friendly for what he did?

Joe Rogan 37:27 Yes. He was very green.

Tom Segura 37:29 Holy shit.

Joe Rogan 37:30 That's a weird thing that Dan Carlin goes over in his Wrath of the Khan series, which is, like, one of the greatest hist- history series of all time.

Tom Segura 37:36 Oh.

Joe Rogan 37:36 It's ... I can't recommend it enough.

Tom Segura 37:38 I wish I could go back-

Joe Rogan 37:38 It's a life-changer.

Tom Segura 37:39 I wish I could go back to the day I found it.

Joe Rogan 37:41 Yeah.

Tom Segura 37:41 And you- ... And I- ... It was, like, a seven-part series or whatever, and I'd play it laying in bed, fall asleep, wake up, and have to go find out where I left off.

Joe Rogan 37:47 So good.

Tom Segura 37:48 And I'd have dreams of being a khan. I remember having a dream of learning how to shoot a wh- a, a, a pigeon in the air.

Joe Rogan 37:54 A bow? Yeah.

Tom Segura 37:54 Where you had to wait for all four hoofs off the ground?

Joe Rogan 37:56 Yeah.

Tom Segura 37:56 I had a dream, 'cause I was listening to it sleeping. Dude, I had the most fu- ... I'm sorry, keep going.

Joe Rogan 38:00 No, go ahead. You have the most fucked up?

Tom Segura 38:02 I had the most, uh, active, um ... What i- ... What is it when you dream and you're awake?

Joe Rogan 38:06 Lucid.

Tom Segura 38:06 I had the most lucid fucking dream last night.

Joe Rogan 38:09 Yeah?

Tom Segura 38:09 The most lucid dream. I walked into this closet and I was, I was on all fours. And I go, "I'm not awake. I think I'm dreaming." And I went, "I am dreaming." I said, "Interesting," and I sat criss-cross applesauce. And I said, "I want a beautiful woman to walk in the closet." And a beautiful woman walked in the closet.

Joe Rogan 38:26 Oh.

Tom Segura 38:26 And I went, "I think I'm gonna go down on her."

Joe Rogan 38:28 Whoa.

Tom Segura 38:29 And I was like, "Yeah, this is a dream. There's no cheating. My wife's in Vietnam. Let's go down on her." I started going down on her and I was like, "Where is this leading? I think I'm gonna fuck her." I said, "I should fuck her." And then I was like, "Oh, yeah, we're fucking her." And then I woke up. I went, "Goddammit." I n- ... I wanted to stay back in it.

Joe Rogan 38:44 Should have went right to fucking. All that eating pussy-

Tom Segura 38:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:46 ... just wasted time.

Tom Segura 38:47 She had the biggest clit. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:50 (laughs) How? Ew. How big? Like a 10-inch dick.

Tom Segura 38:52 (laughs) No. Like a knuckle. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:53 Like a big, black, 10-inch dick.

Bert Kreischer 38:56 That gets stuck in your throat?

Tom Segura 38:57 Oh, God. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:58 And when she came, I almost drowned.

Bert Kreischer 39:00 (laughs)

Tom Segura 39:01 What is it? God.

Joe Rogan 39:04 What were you saying about the Dan Carlin thing? The Genghis Khan?

Tom Segura 39:07 I don't remember.

Joe Rogan 39:08 Sorry.

Bert Kreischer 39:08 It's okay. No, you're gonna access your rage from, from, uh, you know, from one of those moments.

Joe Rogan 39:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 39:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:14 Access your rage thinking about how you couldn't fuck her and you sucked her dick.

Tom Segura 39:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:18 There's a lot of rage there.

Bert Kreischer 39:19 That's super upsetting. That's, like, upsetting.

Tom Segura 39:20 I could say that, yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:22 I mean, th- ... I used to do little tricks like that to get myself to work out harder. That's why, uh, that's why I have those in my head. That was, like, uh, when I ... You know, I just used to always feel like if, if, if s- ... the worst case scenario happened and you needed energy, like, how tired are you really? Are you really tired? Are you tired like, "Oh, I'm tired. I just need to stop." Or are you tired like, "I can't survive right now." Or are you tired like, "Someone I love dearly is in trouble and I can't help them." Like, how tired are you?

Bert Kreischer 39:53 Hmm. Yeah, that's-

Joe Rogan 39:55 Think of that shit.

Bert Kreischer 39:55 ... different levels of tired, for sure.

Joe Rogan 39:57 Yeah. I'm gonna put those things up every day, motherfucker. You're gonna see-

Bert Kreischer 40:00 So, what does-

Joe Rogan 40:00 ... those, those images of these workouts every day. And I'm doing two a day.

Tom Segura 40:03 You're doing two workouts a day?

Joe Rogan 40:04 Two, two a day like that.

Bert Kreischer 40:05 Yeah, me too. I already did mine today. I walked three miles.

Joe Rogan 40:09 Ooh, I'm gonna do-

Bert Kreischer 40:10 On that bullshit fucking treadmill that, uh, we were talking about.

Joe Rogan 40:13 Andy Stump's treadmill? You don't like that?

Bert Kreischer 40:15 Uh, dude, it just is not enjoyable.

Joe Rogan 40:17 'Cause it's hard.

Bert Kreischer 40:18 It's hard as fuck.

Joe Rogan 40:19 Yeah, but that's the whole idea behind it. It's difficult to run on.

Bert Kreischer 40:21 We are going for point total, right? That's what we're doing?

Joe Rogan 40:23 Uh, is that- ... That's the move, right?

Bert Kreischer 40:25 Well, I mean, there was- there was two ... Like-

Joe Rogan 40:26 What are the other things?

Bert Kreischer 40:27 The, the in- ... The initial thought I had was, like, last year we had a- ... It was 15 90-minute hot yoga classes.

Joe Rogan 40:33 Right.

Bert Kreischer 40:33 So, the idea was-

Joe Rogan 40:34 I'm gonna do those too.

Bert Kreischer 40:34 ... the- ... Okay. Well, the idea for that was that it was difficult, but attainable, right?

Joe Rogan 40:41 I'm gonna do those.

Bert Kreischer 40:41 And you had to be disciplined to do it. So, now you're gonna do two workouts a day.

Joe Rogan 40:45 Yup.

Bert Kreischer 40:46 And 15 min- ... 15-minute-

Joe Rogan 40:47 Yeah, I'm gonna count the yoga as one.

Bert Kreischer 40:49 As one, okay.

Joe Rogan 40:49 As one of my workouts a day.

Bert Kreischer 40:51 And then another hardcore one.

Joe Rogan 40:52 But I'm, I'm doing them. I'm doing the 15 hot m- yoga classes on top of all the other shit.

Bert Kreischer 40:56 Shh.

Joe Rogan 40:57 What is this number, the 10... 1005?

Bert Kreischer 41:00 That's your calories burned.

Joe Rogan 41:02 Oh, really?

Tom Segura 41:02 That's what I said when you walked in. I've never once buil- burned 1000 calories in a workout.

Joe Rogan 41:06 It's a lot of fucking calories.

Tom Segura 41:07 If I take that back.

Bert Kreischer 41:08 Yeah, it is a lot.

Joe Rogan 41:09 What's a normal workout for him?

Bert Kreischer 41:10 I mean, if you're doing an intense one?

Joe Rogan 41:12 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 41:13 I mean, here, I'll show you. I got a bunch of them logged in here.

Joe Rogan 41:17 It says 98% of my heart rate max.

Bert Kreischer 41:19 It's going to adjust. It's going to adjust.

Joe Rogan 41:21 Yeah, 'cause it's 175.

Bert Kreischer 41:23 Yeah, it's gonna adjust.

Joe Rogan 41:23 And I think it's 'cause I'm an old fuck. It just thinks my heart rate doesn't go that high anymore.

Bert Kreischer 41:28 Um, here.

Joe Rogan 41:29 Mer. Doesn't know I'm on the juice.

Tom Segura 41:32 Their number starts at... It says, like, it's 220 minus your age is your max heart rate.

Joe Rogan 41:36 Okay.

Tom Segura 41:36 Zone, or something like that.

Joe Rogan 41:39 Well, that's not real.

Tom Segura 41:40 So, yeah, the older you are, the lower your max is.

Joe Rogan 41:43 Well, it's broken.

Tom Segura 41:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:44 This shit don't work right. I should be dead.

Bert Kreischer 41:46 (laughs)

Tom Segura 41:46 I think this is where it should be. I don't think that's, like, the max your-

Bert Kreischer 41:49 All right, I did a workout a couple of days ago, 63 minutes, 72% effort throughout, 864 calories burned.

Joe Rogan 41:56 That's a lot. 806- ... Yeah, that's a good workout.

Bert Kreischer 41:59 Yeah. And then this one-

Joe Rogan 42:01 And that was a 62-minute workout, is that what you said?

Bert Kreischer 42:02 Yeah, this was a 93-minute workout. I burned 1300 calories.

Joe Rogan 42:06 Whoa.

Bert Kreischer 42:06 And, uh-

Joe Rogan 42:07 Is this real?

Bert Kreischer 42:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:08 Yeah, you could do that.

Bert Kreischer 42:09 You could do that.

Joe Rogan 42:10 But you'd have to go hog, whole hog.

Bert Kreischer 42:12 Yeah. This was kickboxing and-

Joe Rogan 42:14 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 42:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:15 Oh, yeah. You did a 90-minute kickboxing workout?

Bert Kreischer 42:16 Well, no. We did kickboxing for part of it and then I did, uh-

Joe Rogan 42:20 Oh. So, you've got a trainer now?

Bert Kreischer 42:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:21 Oh, look at you, Mr. Tommy Money Bags.

Tom Segura 42:24 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 42:24 Couple of Netflix specials, sell out a few theaters.

Joe Rogan 42:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:27 You know what I mean?

Joe Rogan 42:28 Yeah.

Tom Segura 42:29 He's not se-... He's doing more than selling out theaters. He's... I... His pre-soll- ... Sale sold out everything.

Joe Rogan 42:33 Hmm, selling out everything, huh?

Bert Kreischer 42:34 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 42:35 When you moving into arenas, fella?

Bert Kreischer 42:37 (laughs) Hey, speaking of arenas, how was Toronto?

Joe Rogan 42:41 Fucking insane.

Tom Segura 42:42 What is it like in the... when you're doing 10,000 people?

Bert Kreischer 42:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:44 10,600 people at the Scotiabank arena. It was the Air Canada Center. The UFC is back there in December. I'm back there again for the UFC.

Bert Kreischer 42:50 Isn't that crazy though? You're gonna be like, "Oh, one time I was here alone, talking-"

Joe Rogan 42:54 It's ridiculous.

Bert Kreischer 42:54 ... and then you see it f- like, filled for-... events like that. I mean, that's where the fucking Raptors play.

Joe Rogan 43:00 It, it's, it's so ridiculous it doesn't seem real. But I gotta say, the show felt like as intimate as, uh, a set at the Storr.

Bert Kreischer 43:09 Really?

Joe Rogan 43:09 I'm not bullshitting. Yeah. Yeah.

Tom Segura 43:12 Welcome to the set!

Joe Rogan 43:12 Yeah. It was, it was fucking nuts. Like-

Bert Kreischer 43:14 For real?

Joe Rogan 43:14 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fucking easy-peasy. It was fun. I mean, it was literally like any other set. I was, I was nervous that I wasn't nervous.

Bert Kreischer 43:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:24 I, I was nervous that I was calm. I mean, I did a lot of sets leading up to it. Like, when, um, I did, I di-... You know, I wa-... I constantly do sets, but I did, like, I did four sets Thursday night. I did-

Bert Kreischer 43:37 Really?

Joe Rogan 43:38 Yeah. I did the Icehouse Wednesday, so I did an hour-plus at the Icehouse. I did three sets on, um, on, uh, Tuesday night. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's... I think that's the key is you just gotta do-

Bert Kreischer 43:50 You gotta be sharp for it.

Joe Rogan 43:52 ... so many. Yeah. You have to just do so many that you're, you're just... Just like working out. You can't have any doubt. You gotta be just in shape. I just sent you a video. This is, this is, shows you how ridiculous the crowd looked.

Bert Kreischer 44:03 But when you're, um... But you're s-... You're also getting used to arenas 'cause you've done-

Joe Rogan 44:06 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 44:06 ... a few now.

Joe Rogan 44:06 It's weird.

Tom Segura 44:07 This is your fourth arena?

Joe Rogan 44:09 Fourth? Yeah. Maybe fifth. I did, I did, um-

Tom Segura 44:11 Columbus.

Joe Rogan 44:12 Vancouver. I did Columbus. I did Kansas City. Kansas City was weird 'cause it was outside. That was weird.

Bert Kreischer 44:19 That's like an amphitheater, right?

Joe Rogan 44:20 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 44:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:21 Crazy.

Bert Kreischer 44:21 Yeah, I saw that. I saw a video of that.

Joe Rogan 44:22 But this was the biggest one. This one was bananas.

Bert Kreischer 44:25 Very wild, man.

Joe Rogan 44:26 Yeah.

Tom Segura 44:26 Dude, I'm stressing twel-... Uh, uh, Tom and I are doing tours at the exact same time next year, and, uh, I'm stressing doing theaters twelve s-... Twelve hundred in the theater, going like, "Fuck." How do you, like-

Joe Rogan 44:37 It gets normal, man, after a while. But s- scoot a- scoot ahead just, like, a couple of seconds and you can see it when I get on stage. Like, like, like, watch when they turn the lights on. This is what's really strange. When you get to look out over the entire audience.

Tom Segura 44:55 Oh, my God. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 44:56 Fucking ridiculous.

Joe Rogan 44:57 That's-

Bert Kreischer 44:57 That's crazy.

Joe Rogan 44:59 That's madness.

Bert Kreischer 45:00 That is. That's wild, man.

Joe Rogan 45:02 Dude, that... And there's the upper deck. That-

Bert Kreischer 45:05 Holy shit.

Joe Rogan 45:06 ... it doesn't seem real and it just happened.

Bert Kreischer 45:09 And you, you did this in the same night, uh, Burr did The Forum.

Joe Rogan 45:13 Yeah.

Tom Segura 45:14 20,000.

Bert Kreischer 45:14 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:14 No, it's-

Bert Kreischer 45:15 No, uh, Burr didn't-

Joe Rogan 45:16 No, The Forum's not 20,000. The Forum's-

Bert Kreischer 45:17 Bill Cir-

Joe Rogan 45:17 ... is 9,000. The Western Forum?

Bert Kreischer 45:19 The Great Western Forum? I don't know where it is.

Joe Rogan 45:21 Yeah.

Tom Segura 45:22 I don't... The thing online said it was 20,000 people.

Joe Rogan 45:23 I think they're wrong 'cause Dean Delray said it was 9,000.

Bert Kreischer 45:26 Okay.

Joe Rogan 45:26 I think they just made a mistake. But it's huge either way. It's-

Bert Kreischer 45:29 It's huge.

Tom Segura 45:29 So I was thinking last night, and I know you... I know that you're not like this. I... You know, you're a little bit like this. But to compare different times of comedy, right? Um, and compare people. And I know you don't like comparing people, but has there ever been a time in comedy where this many acts were selling arenas, this many acts were selling theaters, and this many acts were selling out clubs?

Joe Rogan 45:48 I don't think so. Well, well, Burr sold out Madison Square Garden, which is way bigger than that. Madison Square Garden I think is 18,000.

Bert Kreischer 45:55 That's true.

Joe Rogan 45:55 How about this? Sebastian is ready to sell four sh-... He's already sold out three.

Bert Kreischer 46:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:01 He's... They opened up a fourth show at Madison Square Garden.

Bert Kreischer 46:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:03 Just stop and think about that.

Bert Kreischer 46:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:05 That's almost 80,000 people.

Bert Kreischer 46:08 That's crazy. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:10 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 46:11 That's like a fucking NFL game stadium.

Joe Rogan 46:13 Sebastian's murdering it.

Tom Segura 46:14 Has there, has there ever been a time... Like, just look at theater comics, just legit selling, like, multiple theater shows. Eliza, D'Elia. You can name any of you.

Joe Rogan 46:23 Right. Right.

Tom Segura 46:24 Myself. Like, all... You go down the list.

Bert Kreischer 46:26 Aziz.

Tom Segura 46:26 Aziz. There's so many comics selling-

Joe Rogan 46:28 Theaters.

Tom Segura 46:29 ... theaters-

Joe Rogan 46:29 Right.

Tom Segura 46:29 ... that I don't think there's ever been a time-

Joe Rogan 46:30 Elia. No. There's never been a time like this. Never. There's never been a time when this many comics are selling out multiple thousand-seat places. And then, there's the big... Well, first of all, there's Kevin Hart, who's the biggest of the big. He sells out 50,000.

Tom Segura 46:43 But Katt Williams is actually a lot bigger than he is.

Joe Rogan 46:45 Katt Williams?

Tom Segura 46:46 Oh, yeah. I watched it on The Breakfast Club. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 46:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:48 (laughs) Aw. Shit. I thought you were drunk.

Tom Segura 46:50 I'm joking. I'm joking.

Joe Rogan 46:52 I was gonna pee test you.

Tom Segura 46:52 Ka-... You didn't see Katt Williams just slam him?

Joe Rogan 46:54 I don't play attention to that shit.

Tom Segura 46:55 Oh, it was pretty fun. I like Katt. I like Katt too.

Joe Rogan 46:57 I like Katt too, but he's, he's, he's eccentric at best. Um-

Bert Kreischer 47:01 No, Kevin is the biggest monster.

Tom Segura 47:02 Kevin's the biggest.

Joe Rogan 47:03 He's the biggest monster. So he's, like, 50... He can sell 50,000. He sold 50,000 in Philadelphia when he did a special.

Bert Kreischer 47:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:09 There's only one of him. But do you know who was re- real close to him that people forget about is Larry the Cable Guy. 'Cause Larry the Cable Guy was selling out football stadiums 'cause Josh Wolf was opening for him, and Josh Wolf took a picture and showed it to me. And he goes, "Dude, this was me on stage opening up for Larry the Cable Guy." And you're like-

Bert Kreischer 47:26 Yeah.

Tom Segura 47:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:27 But people don't ta-... Think about... First of all, Larry the Cable Guy is, like, the most humble, like, low-key-

Bert Kreischer 47:31 Yeah. Plus, he's doing that in, like, the heartland, so people will just dismiss it 'cause it's not-

Joe Rogan 47:35 Right.

Bert Kreischer 47:35 ... like, an LA show or-

Joe Rogan 47:36 Right.

Bert Kreischer 47:37 ... you know, a New York show.

Joe Rogan 47:37 Right. So those two guys... I think k-... I think Kevin Hart is numero uno. He's number one.

Bert Kreischer 47:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:43 And then, there's Chappelle could basically do anything. He sells out Madison Square Garden.

Tom Segura 47:48 Chappelle can sell 50... He sold out-

Joe Rogan 47:49 He sells out-

Tom Segura 47:49 ... the, the fucking Forum. Not The Forum. Uh, the...

Joe Rogan 47:51 Hollywood Bowl?

Tom Segura 47:51 Hollywood Bowl.

Joe Rogan 47:52 Yeah, that's huge. What is that, 20,000?

Bert Kreischer 47:54 I don't know. But he-

Joe Rogan 47:55 That's like 20,000.

Bert Kreischer 47:56 He has amphitheater offers, like, left and right.

Joe Rogan 47:59 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 47:59 And then, they'll, you know... Who kn-... They'll probably be like, "Yeah, you do a show." It's like, "You'll get, like, $700,000." He'll be like, "I'm gonna do The Belly Room." And then, he just goes (laughs) and does that-

Joe Rogan 48:08 He doesn't give a fuck.

Bert Kreischer 48:08 ... 'cause he likes it.

Joe Rogan 48:09 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:09 He likes the intimate shows.

Joe Rogan 48:11 Well, he's also ... I hate to use a term like this, but he's a legitimate artist.

Bert Kreischer 48:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:15 Like, he's just trying to do better work-

Bert Kreischer 48:17 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 48:18 ... and do better comedy and always evolve it. He's one of the rare guys that can do a special, and then the next week he'll have a new hour.

Bert Kreischer 48:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:24 And somehow or another-

Bert Kreischer 48:25 It just comes out of him.

Joe Rogan 48:25 ... it works.

Bert Kreischer 48:26 I know.

Joe Rogan 48:26 I mean, he's just... It's su- supremely dedicated. You know?

Bert Kreischer 48:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:31 So there's him. There's Chris Rock can still sell out pretty big places. If Louis came back, I think he could sell out giant places.

Bert Kreischer 48:39 Giant.

Joe Rogan 48:40 Burr sells out everywhere he wants to. Burr could sell out, um... He sold out Boston Garden, which is, like, 18,000.

Bert Kreischer 48:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:46 He's-

Bert Kreischer 48:46 Wells Fargo Center in Philly.

Joe Rogan 48:48 How big is that?

Bert Kreischer 48:49 15,000.

Joe Rogan 48:50 Yeah.

Tom Segura 48:50 That's crazy.

Joe Rogan 48:51 Yeah, he could sell out all those places.

Bert Kreischer 48:53 Yeah.

Tom Segura 48:53 It's really hard to put in perspective, and I think you guys can understand this. But I mean, you were selling out clubs, what, like six, sev-... 17 years ago, were you just doing clubs?

Joe Rogan 49:03 ... yeah, for sure. You know-

Tom Segura 49:04 But when you were, when you were selling out clubs-

Joe Rogan 49:05 I still do them. Yeah.

Tom Segura 49:07 When you were selling out just clubs, that's an achievement in this business. I mean, to sell out weekends and add shows-

Joe Rogan 49:12 Right.

Tom Segura 49:12 ... is a legit achievement.

Joe Rogan 49:14 Definitely.

Tom Segura 49:14 And it's so undermined when you go in and you do San Jose or you do whatever, and you sell out everything and then go, "Oh my God. Like, holy shit." Like there's, there's so m- it's d- the possibilities are endless.

Joe Rogan 49:26 Yeah. Well, I th- it's the internet. It's, that's what it is. It's people, and then th- there, there's like, this network of comics now that everybody knows about. You know? If you know about Bill, you know about Joey Diaz, you know about you, you know about you. It's like there's this thing going on now where everyone's sort of connected.

Tom Segura 49:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:45 That's never existed before. And then, uh, a lot of these people, not Sebastian, he's one of the rare ones that doesn't, but most of these people have podcasts. Kevin Hart doesn't, obviously, but Kevin Hart has major movies.

Tom Segura 49:55 Sebastian actually does one.

Joe Rogan 49:56 He has a-

Tom Segura 49:56 He does a podcast? Yeah. With Pete Correli.

49:58 With Pete Correli.

Joe Rogan 49:59 I didn't even know.

Tom Segura 49:59 But I don't think they, I don't think he can get to it, like, weekly. But they definitely put it out. I saw it on Sirius XM, I think they do it specifically for Sirius XM right now.

Joe Rogan 50:06 He just does it whenever he can get to it?

Tom Segura 50:08 I think so.

50:08 I think so.

50:08 Yeah.

50:09 I think it's, uh, uh, you've probably be- you've been in this longest out of, of the three of us, but have you ever known a time in comedy when comics were more friendly?

Joe Rogan 50:18 No.

Tom Segura 50:18 Like it seems like everyone's on the same team.

Joe Rogan 50:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a t- completely different thing, and I've talked about this before. It's because, I really believe it's because the internet. And also because there's no, um, things we're fighting for anymore, like Tonight Show spots or stupid shit like that, or sitcom auditions. But in the past, it was like, there was three channels and there was the Tonight Show and the Letterman Show, and everybody wanted to host the Tonight Show, but Jay Leno was hosting it forever, or Johnny Carson before him.

Tom Segura 50:46 Right.

Joe Rogan 50:46 And there was this competition between comics where they were just cutthroat, and there's not that anymore. Now, instead, like radio shows, right? Radio shows always shit on the other radio shows.

Tom Segura 50:58 Always.

Joe Rogan 50:58 They always. The other morning shows in town, they shit on them. It was all shitting on everybody, "Fuck them." Like Howard Stern was notorious for it.

Tom Segura 51:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:06 We do the opposite.

Tom Segura 51:07 They'd start wars for ratings.

Joe Rogan 51:08 Yeah, but we do the opposite. We all have successful podcasts, but we all have each other on our podcasts and we're all super friendly about it. We all promote each other's specials. We all, we all hang out together. Like, there w- there's a camaraderie amongst comedians now. It used to be like, there might be some camaraderie amongst a couple, but it would always go bad. You know? Th- and then th- there was never like, a bunch of real headliners-

Tom Segura 51:32 True.

Joe Rogan 51:33 ... hanging out together like they are now.

Tom Segura 51:35 Yeah.

51:35 Yeah.

51:35 I, I mean, even the simplest things, like D'Elia does something funny and I'll just put it, I'll talk about it on my Open Tabs-

Joe Rogan 51:41 Yeah.

Tom Segura 51:41 ... and get like half a million views.

Joe Rogan 51:43 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tom Segura 51:43 And then you just go like, uh, I mean, D'Elia's, might be one of my favorite people to watch these days 'cause I just watch his Instagram and go, "What's he doing today?"

Joe Rogan 51:51 He's ridiculous.

Tom Segura 51:51 I can totally talk about it on my Open Tabs and just share it with everyone.

Joe Rogan 51:54 Yeah.

Tom Segura 51:54 And just go, "Oh great, Brennan Schaub." Like, th- uh, uh, bu- dude has been funny as shit being a comedian.

Joe Rogan 51:59 Did you guys see Dean Delrey sing?

Tom Segura 52:01 Yeah, I saw it. I saw it 'cause you posted.

Joe Rogan 52:03 P- p- put that up.

Tom Segura 52:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:04 It's got... Okay, so I put that on my Instagram. This is another good example. I put that on my Instagram and it's got like 700,000 views.

Tom Segura 52:10 He can really sing.

Joe Rogan 52:11 Fuck. Yeah. He can.

Tom Segura 52:12 Yes he can.

52:12 He can.

Joe Rogan 52:13 Like, he can really sing. Like, what? Like, wait a minute, I didn't know you could do that. Yeah. (singing) It's got, yeah, 670,000.

Bert Kreischer 52:24 I'm gonna tell you a story. About a woman I know. When it comes to lovin'. Woo! She's good for sure. Ain't exactly pretty. Ain't exactly small. One, two, three, four, fifty, six. You can see she's got a lot. Never had a woman. Never had a woman like me. Good all night and do what I want to do. Never had a woman like her.

Tom Segura 53:02 (laughs)

53:02 (laughs)

53:02 Look at him go. Look how happy he looks.

53:04 Dean's living his best life, man.

53:06 Look at him.

Joe Rogan 53:11 (singing) I never had a woman. Like she's good for me.

Tom Segura 53:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:14 I told them, I go, "Send me the whole fucking video, man." "You, you, you," I go, "You're a fucking murderer, man."

Tom Segura 53:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:19 That's incredible.

Tom Segura 53:19 He's an inspiration, man. He did, he did Conan the night I did Conan, and he was so excited, and it was so amazing to see. Like, Burr showed up. Everyone was in the back of the room and he came off. He's like, "That's my first late night." And I said-

53:30 Well-

53:30 And I think Dean's 50...

53:31 Yeah, you gotta respect it, dude. He, he-

53:32 He does.

53:33 ... started stand up like-

Joe Rogan 53:34 46 or something like that.

Tom Segura 53:35 ... something like that.

Joe Rogan 53:35 Yeah.

Tom Segura 53:36 Yeah.

53:36 It's very, it's not, it's not common.

Joe Rogan 53:38 No.

Tom Segura 53:38 It's not common to stick with it and keep getting better at it.

Joe Rogan 53:41 Yeah.

Tom Segura 53:41 It was so cool to be on the end of Conan with him, Maron, me, Maron and Dean, just three comics. And that's booking.

Joe Rogan 53:49 Yeah.

Tom Segura 53:49 Like, there's no celebrity. It's just three comics. And Dean's the only one that did standup. It was just like, oh fuck yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:56 Yeah, that's... I saw someone said it was, it felt like the green room at the main room of the Comedy Store.

Tom Segura 54:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:00 Yeah.

Tom Segura 54:00 And Burr's living. Let me tell you something, I, Burr, Bill Burr is living his best fucking life right now. He does these, when he does the Garden or when he does the Forum, they come in with the goddamn Comedy Jam and set up a thing, and they do a full concert to an empty venue before-

Joe Rogan 54:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 54:14 ... the show.

54:14 Yeah.

54:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:15 They just do it for themselves.

Tom Segura 54:16 Yeah.

54:16 Yeah. It's awesome. It's amazing.

54:18 They just want to play the Forum.

Joe Rogan 54:19 Bill told me he played from 2:00 to 6:30.

Tom Segura 54:22 (laughs)

54:22 Really?

Joe Rogan 54:22 Yeah. Just played all day. He said, "I was exhausted." He goes, "I was worried I was too tired to do the show." (laughs)

Tom Segura 54:27 Hilarious. But that's how much fun he's having doing it.

54:30 Dude, what would you do if you-

Joe Rogan 54:31 Yeah.

Tom Segura 54:31 ... if you did like, would you set up a football game and play football? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:34 Yeah. What would you do?

Tom Segura 54:35 Man, I mean, I would watch one. (laughs) I would just, I would just invite people to come watch a game. That'd be fun.

Joe Rogan 54:41 I mean he's fucking flying helicopters.

Tom Segura 54:44 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:45 Playing drums. I mean, yeah.

Tom Segura 54:47 Yeah, no. He's...

Joe Rogan 54:48 No, this is, this is an interesting time. But this is also, it shows you that because of all this camaraderie and, uh, that everybody's doing really well, it shows you that that's possible, that these, the, the old way of looking at things is the wrong way.

Tom Segura 55:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:04 That's a selfish, famine thinking way. It's the wrong way.

Tom Segura 55:07 I would hire a DJ to bring me out to an event like that though, if I was doing an arena. Really? How- how would you call like...

Joe Rogan 55:12 Doesn't Russell do that?

Tom Segura 55:13 Yeah.

55:13 He does that. Uh, I think Chappelle does that. How would you, how would you call like- Did you see, did you see Russell brought out, uh, MC Shan-... out on, uh-

Bert Kreischer 55:19 He always brings it.

Tom Segura 55:20 ... out on stage to all his white audience and he freestyled, "These are the breaks."

Bert Kreischer 55:25 No.

Tom Segura 55:25 And all the white people just sat there staring at Russell.

Bert Kreischer 55:27 Hilarious.

Tom Segura 55:28 And Russell got up and he's like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 55:30 That's hilari- he's, he brings, like, old school legends everywhere.

Tom Segura 55:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:34 Well, he- He'll do a gig, and then after a gig, he'll go to a club and DJ.

Bert Kreischer 55:38 Yeah, he will. He can actually DJ too.

Joe Rogan 55:39 Like real DJ-

Bert Kreischer 55:40 He can really DJ.

Joe Rogan 55:41 ... with records-

Bert Kreischer 55:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:42 ... and scratching and all that stuff.

Bert Kreischer 55:43 He knows his shit, man.

Joe Rogan 55:44 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:45 He gets mad at those electronic music guys who call themselves DJs. Like-

Bert Kreischer 55:48 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:48 ... "That's not a DJ."

Bert Kreischer 55:49 Yeah, no.

Joe Rogan 55:50 "That's not a DJ."

Bert Kreischer 55:50 He goes back, like-

Joe Rogan 55:51 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:51 ... you gotta be able to get vinyl.

Joe Rogan 55:53 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:53 Dig through the crates.

Joe Rogan 55:54 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:54 Flip it around, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:56 Yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:56 No, he knows his stuff, man. He really does.

Joe Rogan 55:58 Well, he's another one that sells out. He's at that other place, uh, that place that I was at in November.

Bert Kreischer 56:03 Really?

Joe Rogan 56:03 Yeah, he's at the Scotia Bank Arena.

Bert Kreischer 56:05 Oh, yeah, he's done that-

Joe Rogan 56:05 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 56:06 ... bunch, man.

Joe Rogan 56:07 Yeah, so he's at this one that's-

Bert Kreischer 56:07 That's his hometown.

Joe Rogan 56:08 ... selling out giant places. There's so much of that going on right now.

Bert Kreischer 56:11 It's like his seventh time doing that too.

Joe Rogan 56:13 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 56:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:14 At least.

Tom Segura 56:14 It's overwhelming, man. It really is, and I, I... You know what it is? I had a guy say to me one time, and I, I think this is what it is. I had a guy come up to me at West Palm, I was doing, uh, New Year's Eve, drunk as fuck-

Bert Kreischer 56:25 (laughs)

Tom Segura 56:25 ... both of us probably.

Bert Kreischer 56:26 (laughs) Probably.

Tom Segura 56:27 And he, and we're both shirtless, I'm doing the meet and greet, and he goes, uh, he goes, "I need to talk to you for, like, two minutes." And th- uh, already there's a-

Joe Rogan 56:33 Did you think he wanted to fuck you?

Tom Segura 56:34 No, I get this a lot. I, I, I get a lot of-

Bert Kreischer 56:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 56:36 That's where I go, "I'm good. Thanks."

Tom Segura 56:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:38 And I just walk away.

Bert Kreischer 56:38 (laughs)

Tom Segura 56:38 Why don't I... I'm Johnny Meet and Greet.

Joe Rogan 56:41 (laughs)

Tom Segura 56:41 And so I go, uh, they're like, "Sir, you gotta move along." I give him two minutes. And he's like, he's like, "Dude, I'm a fan. Do you know what that means?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." And he goes, "No, no, no, no. You're not listening to me."

Bert Kreischer 56:50 Hmm.

Tom Segura 56:51 "When you do well, I get happy." He's like, "It makes me happy to see good things happen to you. I will always be a fan. I'll always support you." And I, as soon as he said that, I thought, this sounds super silly, but I'm, before I met you, I was a fan. Like, when you, when the, when the Carlos stuff went down, I got, I got behind your back. And I was like, "I'm a fan of Joe's. I like what he's doing. That's, he's standing up for me." And in a weird way, being a fan of something is so fucking fun-

Joe Rogan 57:13 Yeah.

Tom Segura 57:13 ... when you become a fan. And I think what podcasts have done is allowed you to inti- by, become intimate with your fans and they support you in a way like people go out and they see a video of Dean singing and they go, "Oh, yeah, I'm happy." Like-

Joe Rogan 57:26 Right.

Tom Segura 57:26 ... we're all happy for him. When you do 10,000 seats, I think there are people going, "Fuck yeah, man. My guy's winning." Does that make sense?

Joe Rogan 57:32 Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. Yeah.

Tom Segura 57:34 I think it's cool.

Joe Rogan 57:34 And also we're fans of each other too. That's big too, that you also people realize, like, hey, like, you could be a fan of someone, it doesn't mean that somehow or another you're, like, a lesser person. You know what I mean?

Tom Segura 57:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:45 Like, I'm sure Bill Burr is a fan of Chappelle. I'm sure Chappelle's a fan of Chris Rock. Like, people are fans of other people's art.

Tom Segura 57:55 Oh, totally.

Joe Rogan 57:55 Whereas, I think in the past that wasn't the case.

Tom Segura 57:58 It was not.

Bert Kreischer 57:58 It was about separate camps.

Joe Rogan 58:00 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 58:00 It was like, "I'm in this..."

Joe Rogan 58:02 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 58:02 "If you're, if you're on that side..." Which is so dumb.

Joe Rogan 58:03 So dumb.

Bert Kreischer 58:04 Because you can also, it's like, you know, you can like, you can like one type of music the most, but still enjoy other music. And nobody-

Joe Rogan 58:12 Don't you think that when the internet opened up all these possibilities, that's when it happened though?

Bert Kreischer 58:15 Probably.

Joe Rogan 58:16 It seems like it to me.

Tom Segura 58:17 Yeah, I think it was podcasting.

Joe Rogan 58:18 Yes.

Tom Segura 58:19 Pod, like, pod- podcasting, I guess, yeah, that is the internet. I'm, I'm sorry. I was thinking of YouTube for some reason. But, like, can you imagine Dice and Kinison?

Joe Rogan 58:26 They hated each other.

Tom Segura 58:27 They hated each o- that was the way it worked.

Joe Rogan 58:29 That was the bullet hole at the store, uh, The- the Belly Room Store.

Tom Segura 58:32 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 58:32 That's 'cause Sam Kinison brought a gun and shot the fucking sign to, to let Dice know that he was gonna fucking shoot him. He didn't just pull out a gun. He pulled out a gun and shot a fucking sign.

Bert Kreischer 58:42 It's really crazy.

Joe Rogan 58:43 Yeah. They did, they just fixed it a few years ago. I was mad when they fixed it. I was like, "Why would you fix that?"

Bert Kreischer 58:46 Yeah, they should have left it. Why would you fix that?

Joe Rogan 58:48 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 58:49 It's really crazy though.

Joe Rogan 58:51 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 58:51 God, I gotta start doing that too, Bert.

Joe Rogan 58:53 Just shooting things.

Bert Kreischer 58:53 Just pulling guns out.

Joe Rogan 58:54 Pulling guns out on people.

Bert Kreischer 58:55 Where's Bert's name? Shoot it and shoot the sign.

Joe Rogan 58:57 Yeah, but I think those guys were doing coke too, and we smoke pot.

Tom Segura 59:00 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 59:00 That's just way different.

Tom Segura 59:02 That's way different. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:03 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 59:03 That might be the key ingredient to this whole thing.

Joe Rogan 59:06 We smoke pot, you wanna hug people. You do coke, you're like, "You wanna fight, bro? I'll fuck you up. I'll hold you down. I'll fuck your mouth. I'll fuck your mother. I'll fuck your mother's mother. I'll dig up her mother and fuck her bones."

Tom Segura 59:18 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:19 "And then I'll start a business." (sniffs) Yeah, it's, um, it's also there was, everyone was scratching and clawing. There wasn't a lot of opportunities.

Bert Kreischer 59:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:28 There's all, I think it's the pot too though. I think it's, like, guys like Diaz and Ari and you and me, like, there's a different sensibility. There's, like, a, a more generous sensibility.

Tom Segura 59:40 I think so.

Joe Rogan 59:42 I mean, I think it's everything. For me, um, I- I'm big, I'm big on generosity and I'm big on support. I think you have to do that-

Bert Kreischer 59:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:51 ... with people around you. You gotta help them.

Bert Kreischer 59:52 It does become contagious too.

Joe Rogan 59:53 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 59:53 You know? When, when you have it done to you, you wanna do it for other people.

Joe Rogan 59:56 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 59:56 For sure.

Joe Rogan 59:57 Yeah. It's giant. Yeah. Help out opening acts, help out other comics.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:01 And as, as you rise up, they'll do the same, they'll do the same for the other guys. And you see them doing that for, they'll tell, start taking guys with them on the road.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:08 Spread it around. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:09 Yeah. And look, man, who do we like more than comics and where, what do you, who do you wanna hang out with more than comedians, you know?

Bert Kreischer 1:00:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:15 And, and, like, they're, we're the most fun for us to hang out with. We're, we could say ridiculous shit and then we'll laugh at it. We won't, like, "Well, I don't know why you said that, Tom. You shouldn't have called that lady a cunt, especially not her friend."

Tom Segura 1:00:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:28 And then, you know, "I think you owe her son an apology. I mean, if I was her son, I would've clocked you."

Bert Kreischer 1:00:32 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:00:33 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:00:33 Yeah, it's like-

Joe Rogan 1:00:34 And people wouldn't think it's funny.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:35 Of course.

Joe Rogan 1:00:36 If you were working at Xerox and you said all that, people would, you know, they'd bring you into HR.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:39 You're a liability. We gotta let you go.

Joe Rogan 1:00:41 Yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:41 We gotta let you go.

Tom Segura 1:00:43 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:00:43 It's true. I know. And those are the worst people that, to, like, get stuck at a dinner with or something. You know?

Joe Rogan 1:00:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:00:48 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:48 You're like, "Oh, shit."

Joe Rogan 1:00:49 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:50 Somebody-

Joe Rogan 1:00:51 You just gotta torture them.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:51 Yeah, it's the worst.

Joe Rogan 1:00:52 Yeah. I used to feel terrible when I was around those people. I used to, I used to feel like there's something wrong with me. You know?

Bert Kreischer 1:00:58 Yeah. 'Cause, yeah, of course.

Joe Rogan 1:00:59 Real stuck up, super conservative people.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:02 I would just think, "Oh, there's something wrong with me. Why do I think this way? Why do I always wanna say the inappropriate thing?"

Bert Kreischer 1:01:08 Yeah. Like, you just-

Tom Segura 1:01:08 It's like a muscle twitch, you go, you go, "Just see how far you can make it happen."

Bert Kreischer 1:01:11 Of course. You start talking and then you're like-

Tom Segura 1:01:13 Like, I mean, like an aviation in a foot race. What? What?

Bert Kreischer 1:01:15 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:01:15 You heard me. Put your money where your mouth is, asshole.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:19 Oh my God. And then you just see-... eyes widen and they're like, (clears throat) "Okay."

Joe Rogan 1:01:24 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:24 And you're like, "Dude, we're not at a seminar right now."

Joe Rogan 1:01:26 Right. And that's what's bullshit about seminars.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:29 You know? I