Joe Rogan Experience #1179 - Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser 0:00 ... go see a boxing match.

Joe Rogan 0:02 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 0:02 He doesn't even want that to be the-

Joe Rogan 0:03 Three, two, one. We live? Uh, we're live. Yeah, we were just talking about, uh, Sober October and, uh, Ari Shpier and the, the speculation that he may be, in fact, uh, doing ... running some shenanigans.

Nikki Glaser 0:18 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:18 We do not know.

Nikki Glaser 0:20 There ... it seems to be shenanigans at play here, but he's ... he went too strong the first day. I just don't ... I don't believe that you could sustain that amount of ... that heart rate for that long.

Joe Rogan 0:28 He was at 80 plus. It's interesting looking at his graph, 'cause he was at 80-plus percent of his max heart rate for more than an hour and 20 minutes, which, uh ... Look, he might just be trying to kill himself. It, it ... He's got a strong will.

Nikki Glaser 0:41 Does he?

Joe Rogan 0:41 Yes.

Nikki Glaser 0:43 I know-

Joe Rogan 0:43 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 0:43 ... he's shifty.

Joe Rogan 0:45 Sh- (laughs)

Narrator 0:45 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 0:45 And honest. Like, the thing is, he is-

Joe Rogan 0:47 How can he be shifty and honest?

Nikki Glaser 0:49 He's ... That's the ... He ... 'Cause he'll eventually come out with, "This is what I did and of course-

Joe Rogan 0:53 Right.

Nikki Glaser 0:53 ... I did that. You guys knew I was doing it the whole time." That's what he'll say, but I-

Joe Rogan 0:55 That's a good impression of Ari. (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 0:56 Yeah. Thank you. Oh, come on. Yeah. Of course. Of course I was gonna do that.

Joe Rogan 1:00 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 1:00 So yeah, but he is shifty and hon- ... Like, he, he, he-

Joe Rogan 1:05 He's a prankster.

Nikki Glaser 1:06 He's a prankster. He's definitely gonna do some weird stuff to get ahead in this, but he also knows he's gonna lose, too.

Joe Rogan 1:13 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 1:13 He's-

Joe Rogan 1:13 Do you know what he did in Ligion- Legion of Skanks?

Nikki Glaser 1:15 No. Oh, God.

Joe Rogan 1:16 He sh- he shit in a box and brought-

Narrator 1:18 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:18 ... it onto the stage, and he had it, like, sealed up and then opened it in front of everybody. And apparently the smell was, like, so horrendous, people were bailing out of the room-

Nikki Glaser 1:27 (laughs)

Narrator 1:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:27 ... and gagging and throwing up. That's like a public health hazard. You're not supposed to, like, have shit, human shit, in public.

Nikki Glaser 1:35 He's so weird.

Joe Rogan 1:37 (laughs) He's the best. Love him.

Nikki Glaser 1:39 And the Legion of Skanks, they've seen everything.

Joe Rogan 1:42 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 1:42 And for them to be running out of the room-

Joe Rogan 1:44 Yeah. They've done everything and seen everything-

Nikki Glaser 1:46 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:46 ... and Ari, and Ari still freaked 'em out.

Nikki Glaser 1:49 I can't believe that I just now heard that story. Like, that should-

Joe Rogan 1:52 (laughs)

Narrator 1:52 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 1:52 ... be, like, a headline, that someone shit in a box and brought it into a room where the live prod- podcast was taking place, but no.

Joe Rogan 1:58 It was a small room, too.

Nikki Glaser 2:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:00 I mean, it was, like, a room with, like, a hundred people in it.

Nikki Glaser 2:03 I love ... I love-

Joe Rogan 2:03 And he opens up-

Nikki Glaser 2:03 ... someone who's not scared to, to talk about shit and deal with shit, and just-

Joe Rogan 2:07 Yeah. No, Ari's not scared of that.

Nikki Glaser 2:09 I mean ...

Joe Rogan 2:10 Look, the fact that he entered into this contest at all, and he doesn't work out at all for 10 years, and then he's like, "There's a fitness contest, and the loser has to do something." We haven't totally determined-

Nikki Glaser 2:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:21 ... what the loser has to do. Ari wants us to, like, drink each other's piss. He want-

Nikki Glaser 2:25 He wants to drink your piss.

Joe Rogan 2:26 Yeah.

Narrator 2:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:26 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 2:26 That's what Ari wants to do.

Joe Rogan 2:28 Yeah, he can't think he's gonna win.

Nikki Glaser 2:29 He's going to lose. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:31 Right. He might not lose. Right now, Tom Segura's in the bottom. Tom Segura's-

Nikki Glaser 2:34 I-

Joe Rogan 2:34 ... at the bottom.

Nikki Glaser 2:35 ... think Tom is gonna tr- ... I think he ... I mean, you're obviously set to win this thing, but I think Tom's gonna sneak up. He's playing it down. You looked at his wrist yesterday. You go, "What's that thousand-something?" "Oh, that's nothing." Just the calories he burned that day, a thousand?

Joe Rogan 2:51 Mm.

Nikki Glaser 2:51 Tom's, Tom's sneaky.

Joe Rogan 2:53 Hmm. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 2:54 He's-

Joe Rogan 2:54 A lot of people feel like that.

Nikki Glaser 2:55 I really think he's gonna-

Joe Rogan 2:56 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 2:56 ... he's gonna do something on this. He's gonna be the one to, to beat.

Joe Rogan 2:59 You gotta realize, though, Bert ran a marathon. He did run a marathon.

Nikki Glaser 3:02 I know. He's got s- ... This is a ... This is fun, I have to say.

Narrator 3:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:06 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 3:06 'Cause I don't ... Any one of you could pull ahead, but you're the o- ... I mean, can we talk about what you did yesterday?

Joe Rogan 3:12 Yeah. I wor- I worked out for three hours and 20 minutes. I'm trying to, I'm trying to double-

Nikki Glaser 3:16 It's a marathon.

Joe Rogan 3:17 ... everyone. Yeah. I'm trying to break Bert's will. That's what I'm-

Nikki Glaser 3:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:20 ... really trying to do. 'Cause he, he talks all this Mickey Mantle gene shit. I'm like, "Motherfucker, I'm crazy."

Narrator 3:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:26 "You don't understand. I will work out twice a day like that. I will ... I'll try to give you a fucking heart attack, you fat fuck."

Narrator 3:32 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 3:32 I would love to see ... You will, too. He'll ... You'll kill him. You could kill him.

Joe Rogan 3:37 I, I just don't know if he's gonna ... I don't, I don't know how long he's gonna keep it up because, like-

Nikki Glaser 3:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:41 ... Bert's very competitive up to a point, like the, the f- ... with the weight loss challenge. Tom stayed steady, and Tom won in the end-

Nikki Glaser 3:49 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:49 ... and won, but Bert tried. He tried to sprint towards the end-

Nikki Glaser 3:52 Right.

Joe Rogan 3:52 ... but it was too little, too late. And Tom was talking shit the entire time, like, "I know what you're gonna do. You're gonna fuck off until the very end, then you're gonna try to catch up, but it's gonna be too late." And he was right.

Nikki Glaser 4:01 Yep.

Joe Rogan 4:02 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 4:02 But Bert ... I don't know if Bert's will can be broken. Has it been broken before?

Joe Rogan 4:08 Uh, well, it's not his will. It's the, the discipline aspect. See-

Nikki Glaser 4:13 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 4:13 ... when you're dealing with an entire month, you have 31 days of having to get after it. So how often do you get after it normally? See, that's the thing.

Nikki Glaser 4:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:23 The difference between me and Bert is I work out almost every day already. So for me, it's just like those days off don't exist anymore. So what I've decided to do on my days off is just do shit that I wouldn't normally do.

Nikki Glaser 4:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:35 So I'll do the elliptical machine for two hours, or I'll do something else. I just g- ... I'll do something else. But the whole time I'm thinking, "I'm gonna break Bert. I'm gonna break Bert."

Narrator 4:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:46 "Fuck your Mickey Mantle gene."

Nikki Glaser 4:48 Yeah. You guys were talking about, like, who you think about when you're really trying to get past th- that point where you're ... either you're k- you're kickboxing or even-

Joe Rogan 4:56 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 4:56 ... on an elliptical. Sometimes you gotta get angry.

Joe Rogan 4:59 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 5:00 And you think of Bert. Right now, you're thinking about Bert.

Joe Rogan 5:02 Right, right now, I'm thinking of Bert. I'm thinking of Ber- breaking Bert.

Nikki Glaser 5:05 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:05 Breaking his will.

Nikki Glaser 5:07 I don't unders-

Narrator 5:07 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:07 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 5:07 You guys are all addicts in different ways.

Joe Rogan 5:11 For sure. (laughs)

Narrator 5:11 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 5:11 And this is so interesting to watch because you're right, y- you already work out a, a lot. You're a, uh, m- extremely healthy guy, but you're now going to take it ... You're ex- ... I can see the excitement on, on all of you to take this to just an excruciating level, uh, 'cause it, it gets obsessive, and it gets fun. Like you can work-

Joe Rogan 5:30 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 5:30 But that's the thing. I'm excited to talk to you at the beginning of this when you're still pumped up about it.

Joe Rogan 5:35 Right.

Nikki Glaser 5:35 And it's like you get a high from working out for three and a half hours a day. W-

Joe Rogan 5:38 17 days from now, I'm gonna be a beaten man.

Nikki Glaser 5:40 Yeah. You are.

Narrator 5:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:41 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 5:41 And you're gonna get a surge at the end when it gets close again.

Joe Rogan 5:44 Right.

Nikki Glaser 5:44 But 17 days, you're right. That's not gonna be a fun day for you.

Joe Rogan 5:47 Yeah. Well, I don't know. Who knows? You know, did you ever see ... There's a, a really interesting documentary with Eddie Izzard. And Eddie Izzard-

Nikki Glaser 5:54 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 5:54 ... who's not a guy in really good sh- ... Did you see it?

Nikki Glaser 5:56 I didn't see it, but I know what he's done.

Joe Rogan 5:58 I love that guy. He-

Nikki Glaser 5:59 He's so impressive.

Joe Rogan 6:00 He's amazing.

Nikki Glaser 6:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:01 What he did was he ran around Europe. He did a marathon a day with no training. I mean, no training. He wasn't, he wasn't in shape. He was overweight. His feet weren't prepared. His feet got destroyed. And I watched this. In the beginning, I watched it. I was like, "How is he gonna do this?" And then towards the end, I was like, "Wow, this guy is a force of will." Just sheer will. I mean, his lifestyle is not that-... he's exercising consistently, and this is just, he's just gonna do a little bit more and really push himself hard. No. No exercise.

Nikki Glaser 6:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:35 Just, like, I don't think he exercised at all. Or if he did, it was just m- ... He just had a normal body, you know? He didn't have a body of someone who's used to-

Nikki Glaser 6:43 I know. You look at him, you go, "A marathon a day out of this guy?"

Joe Rogan 6:46 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 6:46 "Anyone could do that." But it's, it's so mental.

Joe Rogan 6:50 Mental, yeah.

Nikki Glaser 6:50 And I think, I think a lot of comedians have that. Uh, uh, maybe I'm just doing the thing comedians do of patting themselves on the back for being more interesting than other people-

Joe Rogan 7:00 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 7:00 ... like we do all the time.

Joe Rogan 7:01 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 7:01 Like, we're so much more broken-

Joe Rogan 7:03 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 7:03 ... and we have such m- more willpower. But I think that there's ... I get obsessed with exercise too, and I really get into it. And I kind of ... I remember Louis C.K. doing some interview where he said that he runs five miles a day because on that fourth mile when he doesn't want to do the fifth, he thinks about, like, a day where he'll be on set and want to just call it a day and not push through. And it's, like, how it all relates, like-

Joe Rogan 7:24 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 7:24 Or you'll be in the middle of an hour set, and you'll be tired, and you just ... Everything can relate to being on set or in the middle of a set. And that run five miles a day, making yourself do that, means you can get through anything. And so I, I run a lot, and I have ... I think of it the same way. It's just endurance. To perform for an hour every night, like, that's insane that we do that.

Joe Rogan 7:46 Well, if you have more energy, you definitely can put out more during a show. So if you are in better shape-

Nikki Glaser 7:51 You'll have more cardio. You won't get exhausted. You'll be able to put out more energy. You'll be more vibrant, more robust, you know? You, you, you really k- ... I mean, in some ways, if you're doing, like, an hour a night, especially if you're doing two shows a night, right- Right.

Joe Rogan 8:06 ... you owe it to yourself to, to have a- an energy reserve.

Nikki Glaser 8:10 Yeah. It's just that I just think that running can re- ... Running is so monotonous, and there's so many times where you could go, "I could just not do this."

Joe Rogan 8:18 Right.

Nikki Glaser 8:18 "I could just start walking, and who cares?"

Joe Rogan 8:21 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 8:21 But s- something about pushing yourself through a run when you could give up, it always ... You never regret it. I'll say that.

Joe Rogan 8:29 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 8:30 You never regret g- keeping running when you could just walk.

Joe Rogan 8:33 It's like a moving meditation in a lot of ways.

Nikki Glaser 8:36 Yes.

Joe Rogan 8:36 'Cause you're, you're forcing your mind to take control of your body, and you're forcing your mind to ignore all of the aches and pains and all the, the desire to quit. That's what people say that run marathons, you know? That you just have to ... Like my friend, John Joseph, says it best. He said, "You got to tell your ... Your mind has to tell your body who the fuck the boss is."

Nikki Glaser 8:57 God. It is ... I just did Dancing With The Stars, so I'm-

Joe Rogan 9:01 Holy shit. That's a lot of work.

Nikki Glaser 9:02 I just got eliminated last week.

Joe Rogan 9:04 That's a lot of work.

Nikki Glaser 9:05 It was so physically exhausting for ... It was a month of my life every day, four hours a day dancing, and I've never danced before. And, um, but it was m- ... I didn't realize how mental it, it all really is.

Joe Rogan 9:20 Oh, yeah.

Nikki Glaser 9:20 In the end, like, a- a- athletics, it's so mental. I didn't realize it because I'd never been an athlete my whole life. But before I got into this competition, I was, like, reading all the books about, like, well, I am where I am physically. That's not gonna change, so I better figure out a way to mentally overcome some stuff. And I was able to, but man, it is ... It's all that-

Joe Rogan 9:41 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 9:42 ... I, I feel like a lot of times. And it broke me in many ways, mentally and physically. But it was, I mean, it was m- my sober October, for sure.

Joe Rogan 9:50 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 9:50 It was my you working out every single day and giving it, trying to beat Bert.

Joe Rogan 9:55 It's definitely not easy. There's n- there's nothing ... I did, um, a bunch of, uh, dancing lessons for a movie that I was in called Zookeeper with Kevin James.

Nikki Glaser 10:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:04 Way back in the day. And, uh, I had to learn how to dance, and then I had to learn how to dance with Leslie Bibb, you know, from Talladega Nights.

Nikki Glaser 10:10 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:10 She was my ex-girlfriend that I was trying to win back from Kevin in the movie, so I had to learn how to ... Like, there was a scene where we dance in this ballroom, and, uh, you know, it's ... You realize how difficult it is. Like, for hours, we're practicing these moves, and it's fucking monotonous. And here's the thing. I don't give a fuck about dancing. All right? So it's something, like, I had to force myself to do that I didn't really want to do. I mean, it's not that I don't give a fuck about ... Like, dancing is fun if you just do whatever you want, but when you're doing this very specific pattern to certain music, and you did ... Ugh. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 10:45 I cou- ... Oh, yes. This is the scene?

Joe Rogan 10:48 (laughs) It's Kevin James and Rosario Dawson.

Nikki Glaser 10:50 Oh, I want to see you dancing. Oh, my gosh. Look at you.

Joe Rogan 10:53 Yeah. We had to practice this shit over and over again for weeks and weeks.

Nikki Glaser 10:58 Whoa. Is that you?

Joe Rogan 10:59 Yeah. It was-

Nikki Glaser 11:00 That was good.

Joe Rogan 11:01 It was exhausting. There's a lot to it. (laughs) It was so stupid.

Nikki Glaser 11:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:09 It was so stupid.

Nikki Glaser 11:09 It's so hard. Dancing is so hard. And just like you, I ... Wow, that's good. I don't, I don't care about it.

Joe Rogan 11:19 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 11:19 I, I, I, I don't ... It's not something ... When I want to be good at something, I will give everything to be good at it. And it ... And here's the other thing. If you have a natural ability to begin with, if someone goes, "You've got a, you've got a knack for this," you go, "Oh. Well, I'm good. I'm gonna keep trying." When I walked into this, I've never ... No one's ever been like, "You've got rhythm, girl."

Joe Rogan 11:38 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 11:38 No one's ever, no one's ever given me even the slightest nudge towards any kind of, um, playing, you know, having any musical ability or having any dance ability. If anything, I've been shamed my whole life, and then they ask me to do this sh- ...

Joe Rogan 11:51 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 11:52 Literally, my whole life, I've never danced at weddings. I don't dance at concerts because I just know that I'm gonna be made fun of in some way. And obviously, no one's even thinking about me, but in my head, it's the, it's my most insecure thing to do. I would rather have sex on, on, on TV-

Joe Rogan 12:06 TV? All right.

Nikki Glaser 12:06 100%-

Joe Rogan 12:07 Really?

Nikki Glaser 12:08 ... than do Dancing With The Stars. If there was a s- ... I, I-

Joe Rogan 12:10 Fucking With the Stars?

Narrator 12:11 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 12:12 I ... Sign me up, Joe.

Joe Rogan 12:13 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 12:13 I'm serious. This was my biggest fear. But you can't turn down these things when they're offered to you. I feel like es- specially if there's something that scares you that much as, as this did, I was like, "What do I have to lose? Like, I'm not gonna die doing this." What's ... The worst that could happen is I'm voted off first, and they say really mean ... The judges say mean things about my dancing style.

Joe Rogan 12:31 Do they get mean, or they're like Simon from-

Nikki Glaser 12:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:35 Are they mean? Really?

Nikki Glaser 12:36 They got mean to me.

Joe Rogan 12:37 Ooh.

Nikki Glaser 12:38 They got really mean to me.

Joe Rogan 12:39 (laughs) You're like, you get fucking super serious. Like... (laughs)

Narrator 12:42 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 12:42 Uh, listen. I got eliminated-

Narrator 12:44 Look at your face.

Nikki Glaser 12:44 ... less than, like, a week ago from the show-

Narrator 12:46 Ugh.

Nikki Glaser 12:46 ... that I gave everything to.

Joe Rogan 12:48 So it still stings.

Nikki Glaser 12:49 And I, and I went in saying, "I'm a terrible dancer. I don't know what I'm doing." And I did a whole dance, and I didn't mess up, Joe. Like, I ... And I got very injured the day before. I couldn't even move. I couldn't get out of bed. I had to have help because I w- t- tore something in my back. And I overc- came it mentally. I talked myself out of having an injury-

Joe Rogan 13:08 Wow.

Nikki Glaser 13:08 ... mentally. Like I meditated my way out of it, which I've done with several different injuries in my life of just like, "I, I, I gotta be better. I have to dance on live TV tonight." And I couldn't move. I couldn't brush my hair because my arm was hurting so bad that morning. So I just started saying to myself, "You're strong, you're prepared, and this is easy. You're strong, you're prepared. This is easy."

Joe Rogan 13:27 Wow.

Nikki Glaser 13:27 And I said it 3,000 times out loud in the makeup chair, all day walking around slowly going from this kind of injury, walking like, "Ugh," in the morning to, "Okay. I'm strong, I'm prepared. This is easy." And then I ... Then at the end of the day, I was-

Joe Rogan 13:42 Wow.

Nikki Glaser 13:42 ... I, I danced on live TV and I cured myself mentally. It was insane.

Joe Rogan 13:47 Dude.

Nikki Glaser 13:48 But they were so mean to me.

Joe Rogan 13:51 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 13:52 Especially Len Goodman, the British, old, cranky judge.

Joe Rogan 13:55 So is the British guy.

Nikki Glaser 13:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:56 Why are the British guys always assholes?

Nikki Glaser 13:58 It was, it was really hurtful.

Joe Rogan 14:00 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 14:00 And I took it in stride, but I was very ... He called me awkward. Like I, I just wanted to walk away from the show not being like a white girl dancing meme. You know?

Joe Rogan 14:09 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 14:09 Like I just didn't want people to be like, "Oh, white girls can't dance." 'Cause I, I know I can't dance and, and I just didn't wanna be made fun of, and he made fun of me.

Joe Rogan 14:17 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 14:17 He was like, "You look awkward." 'Cause at the end of it, I just go, "I can dance." Like it was just me being funny 'cause I obviously can't.

Joe Rogan 14:23 Right.

Nikki Glaser 14:23 But I was like, "I just completed a dance." That if you watch, it's not that terrible. I was very injured that morning. I was proud of myself. And he goes, "You were awkward and you can't dance. You can't dance." And then he s- he said other things that I just ... I kind of blacked out during it 'cause I was-

Joe Rogan 14:38 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 14:38 ... so sad and I was just holding on to Tom Bergeron for d- dear life.

Joe Rogan 14:42 Oh.

Nikki Glaser 14:42 And, um, and then I got eliminated first. So it's so funny to me because I took on this challenge being like, "The worst that could happen is that I get eliminated first." Which I surely won't do because that's ... I can't be that bad. I'll be better than-

Joe Rogan 14:55 Somebody.

Nikki Glaser 14:56 ... somebody.

Joe Rogan 14:56 Right.

Nikki Glaser 14:57 13 ou- 13 people. And I wasn't. I was the worst. My worst fear did happen. I got made fun of on TV. I got eliminated first. And you know, like, being on a reality show, like have you done a reality show where it's like, "And the next to le- ... The first, the first contestant eliminated from the show." And then there's ... Dun-dun. And there's a spotlight on you and I'm staring at the stage like ... Just a slat in the stage. I'm just staring there being like, "They're gonna say Nikki and Gleb. They're gonna say Nikki and Gleb." And they ... "Nikki and Gle-" And it was just like, "I'm on a reality show right now getting eliminated." It was so surreal and it sucked.

Joe Rogan 15:34 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 15:35 And it's ... It sucked. And I'm still f- o-obviously very much feeling it. And I loved the sh- ... I wanted to like keep going. I wanted to do different dances. I like was ready to really ... 'Cause I had just learned how to learn how to dance.

Joe Rogan 15:49 Right.

Nikki Glaser 15:49 So I had to learn how to learn how to d- 'Cause I'd never danced before in my life, never learned the Macarena. Like I was ... I took myself out of any kind of dancing, uh, uh, that was offered to me in school because I was just like, "I'm a bad dancer. I don't want anyone to make fun of me. I'll never dance." And I sign up for this show, I learn a dance, I nail it as much as I can nail something. I was very proud of myself. And then I get eliminated and it, it really ... Obviously I'm like still ... I'm just-

Joe Rogan 16:14 Has anybody ever done it two years in a row?

Nikki Glaser 16:16 I would love to do it t- I was almost ... No. But I-

Joe Rogan 16:19 Why don't you start taking dancing lessons?

Nikki Glaser 16:22 I would love to.

Joe Rogan 16:23 Why don't you do that and then come back next year and shove it up that British guy's ass?

Nikki Glaser 16:28 I don't think they'd want me back.

Joe Rogan 16:29 I bet they would.

Nikki Glaser 16:30 I-

Joe Rogan 16:31 I bet they have a hard time getting people to do that show.

Nikki Glaser 16:33 Why did they let me go so soon then, Joe?

Joe Rogan 16:35 (laughs)

Narrator 16:35 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 16:35 Because it didn't feel (laughs) like it was because of my dancing. It felt ... You know when a, when you get eliminated from one of these shows that you just go, "Ugh, they don't ... Someone at the top doesn't like me. There's something else-

Joe Rogan 16:49 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 16:49 ... involved here. It's not America."

Joe Rogan 16:50 That might be your own head though.

Nikki Glaser 16:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:51 That might be your own head.

Nikki Glaser 16:53 I mean it's ... It's probably just m- ... But out of 13 people, they liked me the least.

Joe Rogan 16:58 Well, maybe, just be- being honest-

Nikki Glaser 17:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:01 ... you had the worst performance.

Nikki Glaser 17:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:04 Isn't that possible? I mean, you, you, you don't da- look. I-

Nikki Glaser 17:06 I did not.

Joe Rogan 17:06 If I was on with you, I probably woulda had a worse performance. I don't fucking dance.

Nikki Glaser 17:10 Right.

Joe Rogan 17:10 Right? So it's like you ... Think about your base that you're coming from. Y- y- you're, you're not a person who dances.

Nikki Glaser 17:16 Right.

Joe Rogan 17:16 This is n- This is a totally new thing for you. But if now you have this in your head and you decide to take dancing lessons and you do it on a regular basis, just once, twice a week for a year, you could be fucking amazing by the time next year rolls around.

Nikki Glaser 17:28 God. I really, I gotta see if they allow people to enter a second time.

Joe Rogan 17:32 I guarantee you they will. But look, I ... It's fucking hard to get people to do that show. A lot of people say no. A lot of people. It's a massive commitment.

Nikki Glaser 17:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:40 Most people-

Nikki Glaser 17:41 It is.

Joe Rogan 17:41 Yeah. The, a lot of people don't have the courage or the time or the interest, you know?

Nikki Glaser 17:46 I did Last Comic Standing twice and got the same place. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:50 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 17:50 So, so (laughs) this isn't looking good for me. That was, that was a-

Joe Rogan 17:53 Was it with different hosts or the same host?

Nikki Glaser 17:55 It was a different host, different judges.

Joe Rogan 17:58 Oh.

Nikki Glaser 17:58 'Cause the first time I did it, I was in college and I like ... There was no reason for me to even get as far as I got, and I was a year in.

Joe Rogan 18:02 But Last Comic Standing, let's be honest. Th- it was rigged.

Nikki Glaser 18:06 Wo- did you ever host or do it?

Joe Rogan 18:07 Yes.

Nikki Glaser 18:07 Yeah, you hosted.

Joe Rogan 18:08 I was, I was ... No. I was one of the judges.

Nikki Glaser 18:10 Okay.

Joe Rogan 18:10 And there was, there was a real issue, uh, with one season, not with mine, but with, uh, Brett Butler, Drew Carey, and a couple other people. (clears throat) They protested because the person they voted for did not make it through 'cause the producers decided that they knew better and ... Because they wanted the television show to be more interesting. So they wanted someone more controversial or whatever, whatever it was. So it was this huge deal where they're like, "Wait a minute. Why are we here as judges if you're not even y- counting our vote? Like this is all a puppet show." Like what, what's-

Nikki Glaser 18:46 Right.

Joe Rogan 18:46 ... happening here? And then there was also conflict because one of the guys who was a producer was also a manager of some of the people that were on the show, and people were like, "What the fuck?" You know? Just, th- there was a lot of issues. There was a lot of issues with that show.

Nikki Glaser 18:59 Yeah. But-I think that's every reality sh- c- competition show.

Joe Rogan 19:03 Yeah, but it's a contest.

Nikki Glaser 19:04 I know.

Joe Rogan 19:04 There's, there's rules. Like, I would tell people, like, that wanted to be on Fear Factor. Like, they would say, "Hey, man, can you get me on Fear Factor?" I'd say, "S- stop right now. There is, uh, very specific rules about game shows. Like, I can't even talk to you."

Nikki Glaser 19:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:17 "If you wanna be on the show, I can't say, 'Hey man, I'm gonna get you on the show 'cause I like you and I'm gonna help you.' I can't do that."

Nikki Glaser 19:23 Yeah, it's... there's laws.

Joe Rogan 19:24 Like, you can't even... If you wanna be on the show, don't talk to me.

Nikki Glaser 19:27 Right.

Joe Rogan 19:27 Because if s- if I have to go to cour-... Like, do you remember that m- that show Quiz Show?

Nikki Glaser 19:32 Yeah. The, the, the movie-

Joe Rogan 19:33 Yes.

Nikki Glaser 19:33 ... was based upon that controversy.

Joe Rogan 19:35 Right.

Nikki Glaser 19:35 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:35 Because it was a fraudulent show. Because during that show, they decided this one guy who was winning, they decided it was a great thing to have him keep winning, and so they rigged the show. And because of that, there's actual federal laws about how you organize and-

Nikki Glaser 19:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:49 ... run game shows. It's, it's... uh, there's real laws behind this kinda stuff.

Nikki Glaser 19:53 So then that's why I think I can't go back.

Joe Rogan 19:55 (laughs) I don't think that's the case.

Nikki Glaser 19:57 'Cause I've already... I really... w- I love this idea. I would like to tell ABC I am interested in coming back and not get inj-

Joe Rogan 20:03 They're gonna hear this.

Nikki Glaser 20:05 I know.

Joe Rogan 20:05 They're gonna hear this, and I guarantee you, you can go back. Listen, it's fucking-

Nikki Glaser 20:08 I would love to go back. I had the best tim-... I just wanna be a dancer now.

Joe Rogan 20:11 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 20:12 I don't... Like, I stopped doing comedy because I just wanted to focus solely on dancing. And, and I started doing comedy towards the end because you do something four hours a day that you're terrible at, you wanna go do something you're good at just to, like, get your ego back in place.

Joe Rogan 20:25 Right.

Nikki Glaser 20:25 Because I was beaten down four hours a day of just, "I'm terrible." And I was able to get to a place where I could kinda have my... uh, my teacher, Gleb Shevchenko, who's one of the best dancers in the world, he would just say, like, y-... I've never... He's been a teacher teaching dance since he was f- fourteen years old, and he was like, "I've never met someone who is so bad at d-... Like, I've never-"

Joe Rogan 20:47 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 20:47 "... met someone who's..." I go, "I'm special needs dancing." Like, if this were a, if s-... I would be on the short bus for dancers.

Joe Rogan 20:53 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 20:54 I just don't have whatever it takes, but I worked hard enough that I was able to learn a very difficult dance.

Joe Rogan 20:59 But let me, let me stop you there. It's not that you don't have what it takes, it's you've never exercised it.

Nikki Glaser 21:03 Yes.

Joe Rogan 21:03 You know how to move. You're, you're not ambulatory. You... I see you-

Nikki Glaser 21:07 I know.

Joe Rogan 21:07 ... walking around.

Nikki Glaser 21:08 I don't mean to say that I'm i-... d- disabled in any way, but whatever some people are born with that gives them a natural rhythm and, like, ability to dance, I don't... I'm coming at it-

Joe Rogan 21:18 I think there's very little of that, and a lot of it is just a bunch of dancing, you know?

Nikki Glaser 21:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:22 And you're doing-

Nikki Glaser 21:23 You're right (laughs) I just haven't-

Joe Rogan 21:24 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 21:24 ... danced at all (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 21:25 Yeah. I mean, think about it. I mean, if you'd never played basketball and you went and played basketball, you're, "Goddammit, I'm terrible. I thought I was gonna kick ass."

Nikki Glaser 21:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:31 You know, that's like... A lot of people feel like that about fighting. Like, a lot of people think, "If I ever fought, I'd fuck people up." Like, you... Yeah, good luck. You think that. Good luck.

Nikki Glaser 21:41 That's the thing, is I wanted... I kept saying down the barrel of the camera, I'm like, "If you're watching at home being like, 'Why can't this girl do this?'" 'Cause it would be, like, clapping (claps hands) that I couldn't get or walking and clapping together.

Joe Rogan 21:52 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 21:53 And I could just picture people at home watching me struggle and be like, "Oh, I could do that," like I say to the computer when I watch this stuff. But I'm like, "Until you do it, you don't know how hard this is." It look... Everyone assumes that they can do it, just like stand up, but here's the difference with stand up, is like, I had people, just like you did, throughout your childhood and growing up, be like, "You're funny. You've got, like..." No one's ever been like, "You should dance."

Joe Rogan 22:19 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 22:19 Like, no one... Do you know what I mean?

Joe Rogan 22:21 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 22:21 Like, we have a natural knack at what we do that's kept us g-... that made us even try it in the first place, right?

Joe Rogan 22:27 Right.

Nikki Glaser 22:27 Like, who was the first person that you remember being like, "You're funny"?

Joe Rogan 22:31 Well, the... there's, like, one guy in specific that I'm still very good friends with. His name's Steve Graham. He's, uh, an ophthalmologist, actually. And when we were, uh, we were friends, I was 15 and he was probably in his late 20s. And, uh, we were training together. We were doing martial arts together. And, uh, he was just... uh, and I would just do impressions of our friends. And, and he was like, "You should be a comedian." And I was like, "Get the fuck outta here. N- there's no way, man." I was like, "Look, I'm, I'm f-... I say fucked-up things that you think are funny because you're fucked up too."

Nikki Glaser 23:02 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:03 Like (laughs) I'm like, "Regular people are gonna think I'm an asshole." Like, I just wanted to make people laugh that were around me. I didn't... you know?

Nikki Glaser 23:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:10 And then I started going... uh, I went to an open mic night, and then I realized, like, "Oh, there's, like, a whole..." This is like martial arts. Like, there's a whole process of learning. Like, I didn't think of it that way. I thought people were just really good.

Nikki Glaser 23:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:21 You know what I mean? Like, y-... like, "Hey, it's Jerry Seinfeld," like when I was in high school.

Nikki Glaser 23:24 And he just gets up and talks.

Joe Rogan 23:26 Yeah. When I was in high... well, senior year in high school, uh, this girl that I was dating, we went to see Jerry Seinfeld at The Paradise. It was this big club in, in Boston. And I remember sitting there just thinking like, "This s- guy's incredible. He's just talking and all these people are laughing." Like, "This is amazing." Like, "What a, what a crazy ability to do that." You know? And just, wow, b- blew me away. And then a couple years later, I was doing it. You know?

Nikki Glaser 23:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:49 It's weird.

Nikki Glaser 23:49 It is. E- th-... that s-... I would love to see a picture of you in that crowd that night, never having been on stage with a mic, like, n-... and then look at you now. It's just so crazy, those moments of, like, in your life where you were at a Jerry Seinfeld show going, "Whoa, I could never (laughs) do that."

Joe Rogan 24:09 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 24:09 "Joe Rogan, that's so nuts."

Joe Rogan 24:11 It was weird.

Nikki Glaser 24:12 E- and now you're j-... like, you and Jerry Seinfeld, to me, are like one and the s-... like, that's the same. So that's, that's cool. But that... what I'm saying is that you need these people in your l-... early on, you need to be... I would never have done stand-up comedy had someone not been like, "You should be a comedian."

Joe Rogan 24:27 Right.

Nikki Glaser 24:27 I was like desperate for anyone to give me any kind of direction.

Joe Rogan 24:30 Right.

Nikki Glaser 24:31 And then some... one person says it, one ophthalmologist says it-

Joe Rogan 24:35 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 24:35 ... and then it becomes your career. And that's why I'm always... I always try to just t-... tell... when I see people's, like, something in someone, I try to say that because you don't know if you're the one person that's gonna get them to go do it.

Joe Rogan 24:46 I do that too. I've tried to talk like 100 people into being comedians.

Nikki Glaser 24:49 Yeah?

Joe Rogan 24:49 Yeah. Yeah, I've always tried to tell friends that I have that are funny, I'm like, "You sh-... just try it. Just go up on an open mic night and give it a shot."

Nikki Glaser 24:57 I always just say, "Do it... if you wanna do it, do it now, because you're gonna do it eventually and you're gonna regret not doing it sooner."

Joe Rogan 25:03 You might not do it. You might not do it. There was this-

Nikki Glaser 25:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:04 ... nurse that used to work at this, uh, doctor's office that I go to, she was fucking hilarious.

Nikki Glaser 25:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:09 And I was always telling her, "Listen to me, you should fucking do comedy. You really should try it." And she never did it.... you know, and I-I-I went there for years. I was like ... And she thought about doing it. She said, "I'm gonna come to open mic night." I go, "Tell me when you're going, I'll go. I'll go, I'll meet you there. I'll, I'll help you. I'll introduce you to the whole process. I'll show you how it works. I'll show you there's a sign up. People go up."

Nikki Glaser 25:31 Listen.

Joe Rogan 25:32 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 25:32 She's not meant to do it.

Joe Rogan 25:33 Well, it's like-

Nikki Glaser 25:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:34 ... you could lead ... What's that expression? "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink."

Nikki Glaser 25:38 Yep.

Joe Rogan 25:38 Yeah. It's like-

Nikki Glaser 25:40 I know.

Joe Rogan 25:40 But just, uh, I think ... Ugh. You have to be fucked up to want that kind of rejection and humiliation that we got in the early days. Like, the early days, to like ... People see you now, you go up to the main room, "Hey, ladies and gentlemen, Nicky Glaser." (screams) Clap, clap, laugh. "Thank you. Good night." Seems like fun. Hey, that seems like a great gig. But see you when you're an open mic-er and you're around all those fucking psychopaths that are signing up for open mics. They're all smelly and creepy.

Nikki Glaser 26:09 Stanford & Sons in Kansas City.

Joe Rogan 26:10 Oh, is that where you started?

Nikki Glaser 26:11 That's where I started, dude.

Joe Rogan 26:12 Oh, my God. I heard Craig just died recently.

Nikki Glaser 26:13 I know. I know.

Joe Rogan 26:15 We used to call him Beetlejuice 'cause he'd talk to you like this, "Hey-"

Nikki Glaser 26:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:18 "... Nicky. Nicky, you wanna really work here? Come sit on Craig's lap. Uncle Craig-y."

Nikki Glaser 26:21 Yep.

Joe Rogan 26:21 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 26:22 That takes me right back-

Joe Rogan 26:24 That's where you started?

Nikki Glaser 26:24 ... dude, yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:24 We started there. That was a fun gig.

Nikki Glaser 26:26 It was a fun gig.

Joe Rogan 26:27 I used to love that place.

Nikki Glaser 26:29 It, uh ... A classic road gig, just seedy-

Joe Rogan 26:33 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 26:33 ... didn't know if you were gonna get paid the full amount.

Joe Rogan 26:36 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 26:37 Good shows, too. Rowdy, drunk.

Joe Rogan 26:39 Yeah. Kansas City's a fun place.

Nikki Glaser 26:40 It was a fun place.

Joe Rogan 26:42 I was just there a couple weeks ago, and I did some crazy outdoor place, some outdoor amphitheater. It was awesome.

Nikki Glaser 26:49 Oh, that's good.

Joe Rogan 26:49 Yeah, it was really weird.

Nikki Glaser 26:50 It's not always great-

Joe Rogan 26:52 I didn't even know it was-

Nikki Glaser 26:53 ... outside.

Joe Rogan 26:53 ... as a, as a outdoor until we got there.

Nikki Glaser 26:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:55 I, I was there with, uh-

Nikki Glaser 26:56 You have one of those gigs where you're like, "I have done no ... I didn't read any of the emails about this."

Joe Rogan 27:00 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 27:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:00 "I didn't pay attention to anything."

Nikki Glaser 27:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:02 It was me and Santino. And Santino's-

Nikki Glaser 27:04 Oh, nice.

Joe Rogan 27:04 ... like, "I think this is outside." I was like, "Get the fuck outta here. It's not outside."

Nikki Glaser 27:07 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:08 And, "Oh, it's outside. Oh, strange."

Nikki Glaser 27:11 Yeah, I'd started in Kansas City, but that ... It just ... I've been relating it recently, I'm like working on a bit about p- encouraging people early on because I, I do look at the people that told me, "You should be a comedian" when I f- right before I tried it because I was gonna be an actress and then I was like-

Joe Rogan 27:26 Oof.

Nikki Glaser 27:26 ... "I'm not really good at this." And I'm not ... I, and I don't care enough to get good at it. Like, I see what it takes to be great at being an actress and I was just like, "I don't wanna do that."

Joe Rogan 27:36 Right.

Nikki Glaser 27:37 But then someone's like, "You're funny, you should try standup." And then that, that was like, "Oh, I'm, I care enough about this to, like, go through the worst of it and get good." But I, I oft- I've been exploring recently on stage, like, blow jobs, um, I've been talking through. And I think it's the same thing because I'm not, like, great at them. I've never been like, "Wow, you're the best at this." And, and I've never been a girl who's like, "I love giving blow jobs." And I've always heard girls, like s- there are some girls that say that, like, "I love sucking dick." And I've always been like-

Joe Rogan 28:05 Do they say that to you, or do they say that to guys?

Nikki Glaser 28:08 They say it, it just-

Joe Rogan 28:09 Out there.

Nikki Glaser 28:09 ... e- and, j- and just out there.

Joe Rogan 28:11 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 28:11 And I've always called bullshit on it because I just think it's like you're just serving a guy and you ... There's no way that you can enjoy it. Like, it's not that comfortable of a thing, but maybe you get some, uh, what's the, the compersion where you enjoy someone else's-

Joe Rogan 28:23 Pleasure?

Nikki Glaser 28:24 Yes. So, maybe it's that.

Joe Rogan 28:26 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 28:26 But now I realize that the difference between me and those girls is that those girls, the first time they gave a blow job, I guarantee, or one of the first times, the guy was like, "You're amazing at this."

Joe Rogan 28:37 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 28:37 "You're really good at this." Because when a girl is told, or anyone is told early on the first time they do something that, like, "You have a na- you have a natural talent at this," you go, "I d- I do?" And then you do it again and again, 'cause you're like, "I'm good at this. This is my thing." And then you get good at it and you're like, "It's my thing." But no one ever said that to me about blow jobs early on. It was always just kind of, like, a means to an end. And I feel like if someone would've just been, like, lied to me ... So, I am ... I ask guys now, like, "Just lie to every girl. If you get a blow job and it's, like, mediocre, just be like, 'You're the best at this ever.' Like, 'This is the best blow job I've ever received.'" 'Cause she will be so ... It'll make her feel good. What's g- it gonna hurt that she thinks she's the best at this thing that she's not that great at? But she'll do it a lot because she'll be like, "I'm great at this, and this guy thinks I'm the greatest at it." So, she'll do it a lot, and then by doing a lot, she'll get better, and then everyone wins.

Joe Rogan 29:29 Yeah, maybe. Or she could just suck a lot of dicks and people will lie to her, and then her self-esteem gets shattered if she runs into the one dude and said, "Who the fuck told you you're good at this?"

Nikki Glaser 29:39 (laughs) That could happen.

Joe Rogan 29:41 And she's like, "Everybody told me I was great." No. No, you're not good at this at all. It's all teeth and-

Nikki Glaser 29:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:46 ... you're always choking. This is crazy.

Nikki Glaser 29:49 But maybe, maybe even a girl that is really good at them can meet a guy that's like, "You're ter-"

Joe Rogan 29:54 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 29:54 Like, 'cause everyone likes different styles.

Joe Rogan 29:55 Right.

Nikki Glaser 29:55 So, I think that you run that risk regardless.

Joe Rogan 29:58 Maybe some guys just like really bad blow jobs, right? Like, some guys like blow jobs from someone who seems like they've never done it before. That way they don't feel like they're the 90th in line.

Nikki Glaser 30:06 Oh, that's a really good point, Joe.

Joe Rogan 30:08 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 30:08 Like, you could be into a blow job that's kind of apprehensive and like-

Joe Rogan 30:11 Right.

Nikki Glaser 30:11 ... "What am I doing?" Because that-

Joe Rogan 30:13 Like, what are you ... How does this work? Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 30:13 They have, like, a virginal-type situation.

Joe Rogan 30:16 Yeah, like an act. Yeah, she's putting on an act. She's got pigtails on.

Nikki Glaser 30:18 I just-

Joe Rogan 30:19 A schoolgirl outfit. "What am I doing?"

Nikki Glaser 30:22 "Wait, what are you tea- what do you do with this?"

Joe Rogan 30:24 "Are you sure?"

Nikki Glaser 30:24 Oh, my God, my friend recently, 'cause we've talked a lot ab- me and my friend have talked a lot about how we just are insecure that we're bad at blow jobs and we've taken classes at Babeland or all these things-

Joe Rogan 30:34 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-

Nikki Glaser 30:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:35 ... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They t- they give out classes-

Nikki Glaser 30:38 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:38 ... on how to give blow jobs? Who's teaching the classes, girls or guys?

Nikki Glaser 30:42 Uh, I think it was, like, a gay guy and-

Joe Rogan 30:44 That's the move.

Nikki Glaser 30:44 ... a woman together.

Joe Rogan 30:45 A gay guy.

Nikki Glaser 30:46 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:46 That's what I was thinking. A gay guy should know how to suck a dick, 'cause he has one.

Nikki Glaser 30:49 I've r- read everything. I've watched tutorials. I just, it's just not getting through to me. I just-

Joe Rogan 30:54 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 30:55 I haven't ... I try ... And I'm not, like, bad at them. Like, I, I, I don't think I'm d- I'm bad at them, but I just ... I think I always was apprehensive because I think the first thing I heard about blow jobs was that ... The first complaint I would hear around me was too much teeth. And I've always had, like, really big teeth. And so, I'm like-

Joe Rogan 31:11 Let me see you smile.

Nikki Glaser 31:12 I have big teeth.

Joe Rogan 31:12 They're kinda big.

Nikki Glaser 31:12 So, I'm like, I, I'm-

Joe Rogan 31:13 They're not abnormal.

Nikki Glaser 31:14 But I always just was like ... I, I had bucked teeth as a kid, so I was ... People always called me, like, a beaver. I was like-

Joe Rogan 31:19 Mm, oh, wow, rude.

Nikki Glaser 31:20 ... v- my teeth are gonna get in the w-... in the way of this. So I ... Im- immediately, that was my biggest issue. And then you learn that, like, that's easy to, like, work around. And then ... So anyway, but my friend said that she n- learned this new t- trick where sh- when she's hooking up, she'll do a role play of like, "Will you teach me how to do a blow job?" But she's actually, like, wanting them to teach her. And so, it's a hot thing where, like, she gets to role play-

Joe Rogan 31:43 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 31:43 ... but she honestly doesn't know and gets ... And then the guy tells her exactly what to do. And then if she messes up, it's like part of the character, as opposed-

Joe Rogan 31:50 Oh.

Nikki Glaser 31:50 ... to her being bad at blow jobs.

Joe Rogan 31:52 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 31:52 So that's my next thing I'm gonna try, I think.

Joe Rogan 31:54 Hmm. So y- the guy's invested in the project?

Nikki Glaser 31:57 Yeah, and if you mess up, you're onl- you're just ... That's part of your character.

Joe Rogan 32:00 Right.

Nikki Glaser 32:00 You're just being good at the role play.

Joe Rogan 32:02 Yeah. Yeah, but-

Nikki Glaser 32:03 It's not because you're innately bad at blow jobs.

Joe Rogan 32:04 But then when you break up, you're like, "Listen, asshole-"

Nikki Glaser 32:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:06 "... I sucked a hundred dicks before you. I knew exactly what I was doing."

Nikki Glaser 32:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:08 "I was trying to make you feel better, you fucking loser. By the way, they were all bigger than yours. All of 'em."

Nikki Glaser 32:15 Exactly.

Joe Rogan 32:16 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 32:17 It's, um ... Yeah. I, I don't know. I have a lot of thoughts about sex, obviously. I'm c-

Joe Rogan 32:22 Well, your act is very much like that.

Nikki Glaser 32:24 It is, but it's ... Uh, and I hate being pegged, no pun intended-

Joe Rogan 32:29 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 32:30 ... as, like, a sex comic, but like, I don't ... 'Cause I just did this ABC show, Dancing With the Stars, and the whole time, I'm trying to be on my very best behavior 'cause I, I wanna play the game. I don't wanna be-

Joe Rogan 32:42 Right.

Nikki Glaser 32:42 ... the sex girl.

Joe Rogan 32:43 You don't wanna get kicked off from the first episode.

Nikki Glaser 32:45 Yeah. I don't wanna offend children watching at home. That's not my-

Joe Rogan 32:48 Right.

Nikki Glaser 32:48 ... t- th- I'm never talking about sex so people go, "Ooh, she's fff-"

Joe Rogan 32:51 You do nightclub comedy. You're there for adults.

Nikki Glaser 32:53 Well, I'm just talking about what I wanna talk about.

Joe Rogan 32:56 Right.

Nikki Glaser 32:56 Obviously, w- we all know that. Um, but I think sometimes people are like, "You're the sex comic." It's like, I just think that's the most interesting topic right now. That's why I'm talking about it.

Joe Rogan 33:04 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 33:05 But I was-

Joe Rogan 33:05 That becomes a problem, right? Like, where you get labeled?

Nikki Glaser 33:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:08 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 33:09 It sucks because I have ambition beyond being a comedian who talks about sex. But already, I've brought it there with you because it is my wheelhouse. I'm most comfortable talking about it. It's fun to talk about. I have a lot of opinions about it. But I was trying to behave myself so much on Dancing With the Stars because I don't wanna be l- labeled as that. But I ... And I also was like ... didn't have sex 'til I was 21. I-

Joe Rogan 33:32 Really?

Nikki Glaser 33:33 Yeah. I was not, like-

Joe Rogan 33:34 How come?

Nikki Glaser 33:34 And then I didn't ... Because I was, um ... All through high school, I was just, like, scared of guys. I don't know why. I was just scared of intimacy, scared of boys, couldn't ... didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 and even then, it was, like, one shot deal and then I didn't do it for years. And then I got an eating disorder, which, like, pushed men away because I looked like a skeleton. And then as soon as I was able ... Then I, I had sex but it was years and years ... U- un- until I started, like, drinking, I couldn't have sex.

Joe Rogan 34:02 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 34:02 And then I quit drinking and I couldn't have sex again.

Joe Rogan 34:05 Think about how many people have gotten laid because of booze.

Nikki Glaser 34:08 Everyone.

Joe Rogan 34:09 It's stunning.

Nikki Glaser 34:10 Joe.

Joe Rogan 34:10 Do you remember when there was this ridiculous time just a few years ago where they were trying to push this narrative that if you have sex with someone who's been drinking that you're a rapist, even if you're drinking too?

Nikki Glaser 34:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:20 This is this, like, weird third wave feminist nonsense where there were, like, adults, like two grown adults have a couple of drinks, you're not supposed to do that because they can't consent because they're drinking. And so people were literally calling people and accusing people of rape because they had sex with each other while they were both drunk.

Nikki Glaser 34:39 No.

Joe Rogan 34:39 Yeah. Well, this was a, this is a-

Nikki Glaser 34:41 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 34:41 Well, here's ... It was a real weird time and it, they've abandoned it because it's so preposterous and the pushback was so hard. But you're responsible for yourself every other time when you're drunk. If you're driving, you're responsible. If you get in a fight, you're responsible.

Nikki Glaser 34:54 Whoa. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:55 You're responsible o- during all those things. But somehow or another, if you and a person are ex- exchanging pleasure, then you are not responsible for your actions and you can't consent to that because you've been drinking, and then it becomes rape. And it's only, really only rape in the case of the guy. It's never rape, like a girl raped a guy 'cause the guy was drunk.

Nikki Glaser 35:14 Right.

Joe Rogan 35:15 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 35:15 Even though I know stories of where that's happened-

Joe Rogan 35:18 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 35:18 ... where a guy wakes up from a blackout and a girl is-

Joe Rogan 35:21 Sucking his dick.

Nikki Glaser 35:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:22 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 35:22 And that's-

Joe Rogan 35:23 And he's like, "Hey, do I know you?"

Nikki Glaser 35:24 If it was the other way around, that's-

Joe Rogan 35:25 Right.

Nikki Glaser 35:26 ... rape.

Joe Rogan 35:27 Rape. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 35:27 Um, yeah. I-

Joe Rogan 35:29 But it ... But obviously, it's not the same.

Nikki Glaser 35:32 No. And-

Joe Rogan 35:32 Right.

Nikki Glaser 35:33 ... no one would be having sex if we didn't (laughs) , if we didn't have alcohol. Like so few people.

Joe Rogan 35:38 It'd be a lot less people.

Nikki Glaser 35:38 So few people because I-

Joe Rogan 35:39 It'd be like 30% of the people having sex.

Nikki Glaser 35:42 Dude.

Joe Rogan 35:43 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 35:43 Think about casual s- that's my whole-

Joe Rogan 35:45 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 35:45 ... point right now, is like, I can't have ... I'm, like, single. I can't even have casual sex because I'm sober.

Joe Rogan 35:49 So how long you been sober?

Nikki Glaser 35:51 Seven- it'll be seven years in December, from alcohol.

Joe Rogan 35:53 Whoa.

Nikki Glaser 35:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:54 Whoa.

Nikki Glaser 35:54 Yeah. And before then, I was hooking up a-left and right.

Joe Rogan 35:59 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 35:59 It was so fun. I was blacking out just to have sex because I was scared of intimacy. I'm realizing all of this now is like, I don't-

Joe Rogan 36:05 You going through therapy, the whole deal? You doing all that jazz?

Nikki Glaser 36:08 Yeah, I go through therapy. I work on myself constantly. I meditate. I do all the things-

Joe Rogan 36:12 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 36:12 ... and I'm ... I, I don't know if I'm any ... I am better for it, but m- I realize that I'm not get- I'm not having sex and it's not fun.

Joe Rogan 36:20 Right.

Nikki Glaser 36:20 Like, I am. I'm hooking up with ex-boyfriends, which, uh, you know, that's 'cause there's no pressure there of like, this is new.

Joe Rogan 36:26 Right. Right. Right.

Nikki Glaser 36:26 And am I gonna catch feelings? It's like they've already been had or they're-

Joe Rogan 36:30 Right.

Nikki Glaser 36:30 Or they'll bubble up again for-

Joe Rogan 36:31 You just get to scratch an itch.

Nikki Glaser 36:33 Yes. Yes. But n- but having, like, new sex casually, like, I just can't ... I can't even imagine doing that. But I had so much when I drank because it just makes everything easier.

Joe Rogan 36:45 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 36:46 And I used to just ... Uh, uh, and, and I ask the crowd sometimes. I'm like, "Have you guys ever ... Who here has had sex for the first time with someone where both of you were stone-cold sober?" First time sex. Literally two people raised their hand in a r- in the main room in c- the comedy store.

Joe Rogan 37:02 Porn stars. (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 37:03 N- exactly. No. You're so right.

Joe Rogan 37:06 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 37:06 No one.

Joe Rogan 37:07 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 37:07 Listening at home right now, wherever you are-

Joe Rogan 37:10 Well-

Nikki Glaser 37:10 ... have you ever had sex for the first time with someone where you're both sober? It doesn't happen in our society.

Joe Rogan 37:14 Well, alcohol gets abused, for sure.

Nikki Glaser 37:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:16 But it also gets used, used correctly.

Nikki Glaser 37:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:19 Like, there's, there's good things to alcohol.

Nikki Glaser 37:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:21 I think it's a technology that alleviates a lot of your inhibitions and it makes people feel better. And-

Nikki Glaser 37:26 God, I miss it.... for that reason.

Joe Rogan 37:28 D- are you a, an addict? I mean, is it possible that you could drink a little bit?

Nikki Glaser 37:33 I'd be fine drinking a little bit. I know I would, but-

Joe Rogan 37:35 That's the first thing you say before you wake up in the gutter. (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 37:38 Exactly. You know, I just like ... I know I, how I am with weed, and I have to ... I start out and I go, "I'll just get high as a treat."

Joe Rogan 37:47 Right.

Nikki Glaser 37:47 You know, after a set. And then I go, "It'd be fun to be high for this set." And then it's like, "It'd be fun to be high when I wake up in the morning." And so it always, it always snowballs into, I'm high all day.

Joe Rogan 37:59 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 37:59 And then I have to go, "Okay, sober October," and I quit for a month, and then I build it back up again.

Joe Rogan 38:04 Is that what you's doing right now with weed? Like, you say you're sober, so you're sober with alcohol, but you smoke a little weed?

Nikki Glaser 38:08 With alcohol. But I smoke a little weed. And I've gone years in this seven years of not smoking weed, and, um, I'm ... but I'm back on it. I quit for Dancing With the Stars 'cause my short-term memory was shit-

Joe Rogan 38:17 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 38:17 ... and you can't learn dance steps when you're high.

Joe Rogan 38:20 Right.

Nikki Glaser 38:21 I thought it might, like, help me-

Joe Rogan 38:22 Mm-mm. No.

Nikki Glaser 38:23 ... but no.

Joe Rogan 38:24 I bet you ... I think if you already knew it, if you had it locked in your memory, then it would be good, 'cause you'd, like, feel it more.

Nikki Glaser 38:31 Yes.

Joe Rogan 38:31 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 38:31 But th- it was terrible for me, so I quit for three weeks, and the second I got eliminated, I started again, and-

Joe Rogan 38:39 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 38:39 ... have ... So it's been a week of me smoking weed again, and it's already like ... It's ... You know. The snowball effect is in, is in play. But weed does not derail my work ethic.

Joe Rogan 38:50 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 38:51 It makes me work out more, it makes me think in a different, creative way, and it eventually impedes me. When it starts to interfere with, like, my voice, if I start getting, like, hoarse more, 'cause I'm doing radio every morning, and then I'm-

Joe Rogan 39:04 Does it make you hoarse?

Nikki Glaser 39:05 Yeah, 'cause I just, like, inh- I don't know how to inhale or something.

Joe Rogan 39:08 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 39:08 I just-

Joe Rogan 39:09 Why don't you use edibles?

Nikki Glaser 39:11 I do, but those aren't ... I like to, like ... I like to feel it in my lungs and feel it immediately.

Joe Rogan 39:16 Hmm. Right.

Nikki Glaser 39:16 If there was a, an immediate edible-

Joe Rogan 39:19 Edible. Right.

Nikki Glaser 39:19 ... I'd do it.

Joe Rogan 39:20 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 39:20 But, um-

Joe Rogan 39:20 What about vaporizers?

Nikki Glaser 39:22 I like those, too. But again, those (laughs) fuck up my voice, too. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Joe Rogan 39:27 Really?

Nikki Glaser 39:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:28 Hmm.

Nikki Glaser 39:28 But, um, yeah, I ... So w- but with alcohol, I w- I will say, like, I just could see it snowballing into a point where I would quit again. But I just ... I've never ... I miss drinking a lot for the sex thing, for the dancing thing. Like, just dancing to music in general, like, is more fun. Like-

Joe Rogan 39:47 Right, if you're drunk. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 39:48 Just life. Like, first two drinks, like, life is, like, pretty great-

Joe Rogan 39:52 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 39:52 ... for two drinks.

Joe Rogan 39:52 Couple of drinks, yeah. You feel good.

Nikki Glaser 39:54 But sending text messages I don't want to send-

Joe Rogan 39:57 Right.

Nikki Glaser 39:57 ... reaching out to guys I don't want to talk to-

Joe Rogan 39:59 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 39:59 ... in the morning. All of that anxiety, the hangover.

Joe Rogan 40:02 (burps)

Nikki Glaser 40:02 That's what I'm avoiding, is the hangover.

Joe Rogan 40:03 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 40:03 And with weed, I don't, I don't have a hangover.

Joe Rogan 40:05 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 40:06 Do you get hangovers?

Joe Rogan 40:07 Y- from weed? No. But-

Nikki Glaser 40:08 No, but from j-

Joe Rogan 40:09 But from booze, sure.

Nikki Glaser 40:10 And does it make you want to quit and question everything? I mean, how do you keep your drinking in check?

Joe Rogan 40:16 Oh, I have, for sure. Um, I've never had a problem with drinking in, in like ... L- it's never been like, "God, I need a drink." I've never been like that.

Nikki Glaser 40:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:25 Like, sober October was the first time I did absolutely nothing for a whole month. I didn't smoke a joint, I didn't do mushrooms, I didn't ... Nothing, right?

Nikki Glaser 40:35 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 40:35 It wasn't that hard. What was interesting about it was the dreams-

Nikki Glaser 40:40 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 40:40 ... first of all, because the dreams come hard and fast when you're off the weed. And they ... 'Cause apparently ... I talked to this guy, Dr. Matthew Walker, who's a dream specialist, and he was, uh, on the podcast discussing the importance of, uh, sleep. Sleep specialist, I think it was I should say.

Nikki Glaser 40:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:56 But he was saying that marijuana, it in- impedes certain aspects of REM sleep, which is when you do all your dreaming. So when you, um, get off the marijuana, your brain apparently makes up for lost time and hits you with some crazy fucking dreams. Talking frogs and fucking unicorns and, uh, you know, roller coasters that go straight to heaven, and like fucking bananas dreams, like-

Nikki Glaser 41:20 Did you have that? Are you having that?

Joe Rogan 41:21 Oh. Oh, my God. Well, the thing is, this time, for, uh, sober October, I was way tapered off by the time this rolled around. Like, I smoked a little pot in Toronto on Saturday, but I mean a little. Like, I took, like, one or two hits. I had a drink, maybe two drinks. I had ... I think I had one drink when I went on stage, and then I had a couple glasses of wine after the show.

Nikki Glaser 41:47 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 41:47 We went out to this, uh, restaurant after the show. But yeah, it was e- this was an easy one, because I was kinda re- But I, I think I slowed down after last year. I think, uh, doing that, uh, sober October thing made me realize, like, hmm, there's like some ... There's some ... I, I've ... I'm, I'm ... of that school that, r- unfortunately, that all my favorite comics did drugs, all of them.

Nikki Glaser 42:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:14 Hicks, Kinison, Pryor, everyone did drugs. They were, they were all ... I mean, Pryor was coke ... I've never touched coke, but Kinison was coke, too.

Nikki Glaser 42:22 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 42:22 But Hicks was more psychedelics and ... I mean, he did coke and alcohol and all that other stuff before. But there was, there was al- they were all, like, these wild fucks. Like, Ron White is a good friend of mine. Always drunk. And there's, like, this part of that life that y- you know, that's so ... It's so attractive, 'cause it's just like this wild, loose, carefree, rebellious, figure it out tomorrow life.

Nikki Glaser 42:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:46 And that's, that's the life of the comic. But I've realized, like, after last year, sober October, that there's ... A lot of that stuff you could do if you're sober, like the-

Nikki Glaser 42:55 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 42:56 And, and it's ... I think, as I said, you can abuse alcohol, but you can also use it, you know ? You can use it. You can, you can have a couple drinks and feel good and you enjoy the moment more, you know ? There's, there's something, there's something to it. But it's, uh, really a matter of your own personality and discipline. It's like c- how much ... And how much of an addict are you? Like, what ... How much ... What is it, uh, what holes are missing in your brain that get filled up with that booze and that, like, once you take the booze away, there's, like, this gaping ch- chasm that you need to fill?You know, what is that? And you gotta figure out who you are, 'cause I know some people that can't have anything. They have one drink and then they're off to the races and they're doing meth, you know?

Nikki Glaser 43:41 Yeah. That's, that's not me, but it's ... I just, I, I would get blackout drunk a lot, and like w- after a couple beers. Like-

Joe Rogan 43:52 Were you less secure then than you are now?

Nikki Glaser 43:56 Yeah. W- way less secure.

Joe Rogan 43:58 Right.

Nikki Glaser 43:58 But I think being sober has helped me become more secure, but-

Joe Rogan 44:01 'Cause you're forced to be in the moment?

Nikki Glaser 44:03 Yeah. I, I just, I worry about my depression too. Like, uh, with adding booze onto depression, which I feel like I have a good handle of right now, I just don't wanna lose it, 'cause I think that, like ... I don't know. Uh, obviously alcohol is a depressant, and so I think that ... A- and, and the people that I, I, I, I get really, really depressed in a, like in a dangerous way where I'm like, I gotta watch it. Like, I gotta be vigilant about meditating every day to keep my depression at bay, because-

Joe Rogan 44:33 So, what do you think that is? Do you think that's a genetic thing? Do you think your, it runs in your family?

Nikki Glaser 44:38 I think it must run in my family. I think we have stuff that I haven't even, like, g- found out a- like, there's some s- sus- suspicious deaths in my family that I'm like, "Was that ..."

Joe Rogan 44:48 Suicide?

Nikki Glaser 44:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:49 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 44:49 You know? Where I'm like, I think it's ...

Joe Rogan 44:51 Describe how it feels. Like, what does your depression feel like?

Nikki Glaser 44:54 It feels like ... I, it honestly, I, I get suicidal thoughts, not like, "I sh- I should kill myself." It's like, "Kill yourself. It would be fun to kill yourself." They come-

Joe Rogan 45:08 It'd be fun? (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 45:08 Literally soothing. It soothes me to think about killing myself when I'm in my worst, uh, depressive stages. And it is a- I compare it to, like, sniffles when you're getting a cold. Like, I have a little, a little thought will go, "Oh, shoot yourself in the head."

Joe Rogan 45:23 Whoa.

Nikki Glaser 45:23 Like, it literally comes into my head like a sniffle, where you're like, "Oh, God. I'm getting sick again. Okay, I gotta meditate now, and then it'll, and then I'll be fine." Like literally, it's like that. And-

Joe Rogan 45:35 What, what is, what's before the, "Shoot yourself"? Nothing?

Nikki Glaser 45:40 Nothing. And that's the-

Joe Rogan 45:41 Whoa.

Nikki Glaser 45:41 ... that's the problem, is like-

Joe Rogan 45:43 Geez.

Nikki Glaser 45:43 ... it just is ... You know, it can be, it can be, um, pff ... It may be it's circumstantial a little bit, like maybe I'm feeling lonely that day, or, uh, uh, I didn't get a thing that I wanted, or I ... Uh, but I really do think it's like the weather. Like, it, I just can't even describe it. I remember Sarah Silverman talking about her depression, like it's like just a cloud comes over you, and you're just like, "Oh, well, here it comes," and that's kind of how it feels. And I totally have it under control when I'm meditating every day. It doesn't, I don't get a single one of those thoughts.

Joe Rogan 46:13 Really?

Nikki Glaser 46:13 But, like, if I skip a day, if I don't do TM one day, those thoughts keep, they come in. And then if I ... And then you c- if you get into a real bad spot, you, those thoughts start ... I, and I've never even so much as made an attempt or even planned to make an attempt. Like, it's never gotten to that, even close to that for me. But, I realize that these are the same kinda thoughts that people that end up doing this start with.

Joe Rogan 46:38 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 46:38 Like, there's some kind of, like ... I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm ... People who love me and care about me get so upset when I talk about this, but I think that more people struggle with these thoughts than talk about, so I, I'm eager to share it, because I don't think I'm ever gonna kill myself, and I don't think that that's ... But I think that, like a lot of people, I'm at risk, and I don't think that people talk about that enough.

Joe Rogan 47:03 Right. Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 47:03 That, 'cause I do have these thoughts, and I g- it's not even like I go, "What can I do to make myself feel better? Oh, I could kill myself." It literally is like, "Kill yourself." It's like a little voice or something. And I've struggled with mental illness before. I mean, I had anorexia where it was like, "Don't eat," and you're like, "Where's that? Who's that?" But it's s- it's a voice.

Joe Rogan 47:20 Did you have, "Don't eat," because you thought you were overweight, or, "Don't eat," because you thought you'd be more attractive if you looked like-

Nikki Glaser 47:26 Oh, I mean-

Joe Rogan 47:27 ... a, a, a rail?

Nikki Glaser 47:28 Y- I mean, it starts-

Joe Rogan 47:29 Or was it, was it vague?

Nikki Glaser 47:31 It's-

Joe Rogan 47:31 Was the direction vague, or was it just, like, a, an obsession?

Nikki Glaser 47:34 It, it was, it started out, like, you know, um, high school. I should be skinny. Everyone should be skinny. I admi- I, like, wanted to be a, famous someday, and I looked at, I admi- like, I idolized everyone in the magazines, the whole classic thing of, like, looking literally in magazines and being like, "I wanna look like that. I hate my s-" pinching my sides, being like, uh, "If I'm not like that, then I'm worthless." Having a mom who constantly hated her body, m- was skinnier than me and s- constantly said she was fat, and things like that.

Joe Rogan 48:01 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 48:01 Like, where you just, you have things modeled for you, so I grew up thinking skinny equals more lovable. And then I lost weight just b- because, um, my senior year I lost weight because a boy liked me that I liked, who I liked back, and I was, like, very nervous about it. Like, you know when you just get nervous-

Joe Rogan 48:17 Right.

Nikki Glaser 48:17 ... so you d- you can't, you don't eat that day? And I had a date with this guy. It was my first date ever, and I just, that day, I didn't eat 'cause I was just nervous. And then the next day, it showed up on me, 'cause someone goes, "You look great. What's going on?" And I was like, "Oh, I just didn't eat yesterday." Like, "I can do that again."

Joe Rogan 48:32 So, it's basically the same thing as saying, "You're really funny."

Nikki Glaser 48:35 "You're funny."

Joe Rogan 48:35 "You got a talent for that." (laughs) You're open to suggestion.

Nikki Glaser 48:38 I'm really good-

Joe Rogan 48:39 You, you could join a cult.

Nikki Glaser 48:40 Uh, dude, I know.

Joe Rogan 48:42 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 48:42 I, I'm scared of it. I've n- uh, the thing is, I, I am open to suggestion, but the thing is I am good at, at losing weight. I n- I can, I can stick to a diet, and I can black and white things. I can say, "I'm not drinking for seven..." I can, I can quit things.

Joe Rogan 48:57 Right.

Nikki Glaser 48:57 I can quit eating.

Joe Rogan 48:58 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 48:59 And I have good w- it's like willpower.

Joe Rogan 49:01 Right.

Nikki Glaser 49:01 And I learned that, like, oh, for the first time, like, I could do this. And so I just stopped eating, and then the, for a while, you get, like, super hot. Like, I was very popular for a couple weeks, and then-

Joe Rogan 49:12 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 49:12 For a hot second. I was hot for a second, and then I got so scary skinny, and then I couldn't stop.

Joe Rogan 49:18 Oh, wow.

Nikki Glaser 49:18 You're, you were just like, I go, I, well, I don't ... Everyone's like, "Hey, you looked great, like, a week ago. Like, right now it's, like, kind of, of concern." And I'm like, "Well, I don't know what to do, because if I eat, I'll just get fat again." And so I just ...... I, this is all I know now. And then it becomes if you eat, you're weak, and then it becomes obsessive-compulsive. And then, it's not even about being thin anymore-

Joe Rogan 49:35 She's s-

Nikki Glaser 49:35 ... because you look in the mirror, and I would look in the mirror and go like, "You're disgusting." Like, I looked like I, I look like Holocaust pictures.

Joe Rogan 49:43 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 49:43 Like, that's how bad I looked.

Joe Rogan 49:44 Do you have photos of yourself from back then-

Nikki Glaser 49:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:46 ... that you keep to make sure that you don't ever get back to that spot again?

Nikki Glaser 49:49 I won't ever get back to that spot again because I'm too vain to do that now.

Joe Rogan 49:52 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 49:53 And I know ... Like, when I see it coming, it's the same way of, like, pot. When I see it starting to interfere with my life, I go, "Okay, you need to stop drinking-"

Joe Rogan 50:00 Right.

Nikki Glaser 50:00 ... and smoking pot." And when I see myself get too skinny now, I'm like, "Okay, you need to stop working out."

Joe Rogan 50:04 So you're, like, chaos, but you kinda have a handle on it.

Nikki Glaser 50:06 Oh, I totally have a handle on it. I, I won't-

Joe Rogan 50:09 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 50:09 ... ever be anorexic or die of depression. Like, all these things-

Joe Rogan 50:12 Or drink yourself to death, or-

Nikki Glaser 50:13 No, I won't. Like, I'll go a different way, but, like those things-

Joe Rogan 50:16 Right.

Nikki Glaser 50:17 ... aren't gonna get me 'cause they almost got me before. I mean, anorexia, I, I, I should've died. I was gonna die from it, and I planned on dying from it.

Joe Rogan 50:25 You planned on dying from it?

Nikki Glaser 50:27 Yeah, because Joe, I was starving. It sucks to be starving.

Joe Rogan 50:31 Wait, you planned on doing this?

Nikki Glaser 50:32 Yeah, because I wanted to die. I was like some ... I, it, it-

Joe Rogan 50:35 How old were you at the time?

Nikki Glaser 50:35 ... it was a slow suicide. Uh, 18.

Joe Rogan 50:38 Jesus.

Nikki Glaser 50:38 18, 19, 20, 21.

Joe Rogan 50:41 How light did you get?

Nikki Glaser 50:41 I was like ... I, I stopped weighing myself 'cause it was so dangerous to get attached to a number, but the last time I remember weighing myself, I was 98 pounds. That was when I was, like, admitted to a psych ward when I was 18. And I-

Joe Rogan 50:54 And how tall are you?

Nikki Glaser 50:55 I'm 5'9".

Joe Rogan 50:56 And what do you weigh now?

Nikki Glaser 50:58 I'm 135 now, and I'm skinny now.

Joe Rogan 51:01 S- so yeah, you're not, you're not heavy-

Nikki Glaser 51:03 I'm s- yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:03 ... by any stretch of the imagination.

Nikki Glaser 51:04 Right now, I'm like-

Joe Rogan 51:04 So you were 35 pounds lighter than this-

Nikki Glaser 51:08 Yeah, a-

Joe Rogan 51:08 ... plus.

Nikki Glaser 51:08 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:09 Oh.

Nikki Glaser 51:09 More. But, and-

Joe Rogan 51:10 That's crazy.

Nikki Glaser 51:11 I was so thin. I was so ... Like-

Joe Rogan 51:15 That's crazy.

Nikki Glaser 51:16 Everywhere I went, people would point and whisper and talk. It was one of those things where it was like, you know, you've seen girls out and about like that.

Joe Rogan 51:22 There was a lady-

Nikki Glaser 51:22 And you go, "Oh."

Joe Rogan 51:23 ... that used to go to my yoga class-

Nikki Glaser 51:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:24 ... that was terrifying.

Nikki Glaser 51:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:25 She was so scary. She looked like ... I mean, and she was a small person too. She was only, like, 5'1" or 5'2", and she looked like she probably weighed 80 pounds.

Nikki Glaser 51:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:36 It was awful.

Nikki Glaser 51:36 It's ... And that's the way people ... And I see girls like that now, and I, I do the same thing that people used to say to me, which is like, "Just eat a sandwich, bitch." Like, "What are you doing?" Like-

Joe Rogan 51:45 You can't-

Nikki Glaser 51:46 I know.

Joe Rogan 51:46 ... you know?

Nikki Glaser 51:46 You can't say that, but I don't even relate to the person I was when I wasn't eating because-

Joe Rogan 51:51 Right.

Nikki Glaser 51:52 ... I, the only way I can say is, like, I could not eat. I could not do ... It was almost like if you were to, like, i- if ... A protein shake, it was like drinking poison. Like, "I'm gonna die if I drink this." It was that hard to, to eat, and I don't-

Joe Rogan 52:04 So how'd you get out of it?

Nikki Glaser 52:06 I, um ... First of all, I was admitted to a hospital because I was going away to school. Um, I lost all this weight in, like, a couple months. Like, it went away quickly for me, and it got scary fast. The school called my parents. My parents were in denial 'cause they didn't wanna believe that their daughter was, like, dying.

Joe Rogan 52:21 Oh, great.

Nikki Glaser 52:21 So they were con- they were concerned and, but, like, I was lying to them about, "Oh, I'm going out to eat. I'm sk- not gonna be here for dinner tonight." Just lying, lying, lying. I went to the doctor to get a physical 'cause I was going away to school in the s- fall. This was July. I went to go get a physical, and my pulse ... I have, like, a low pulse anyway. Like, I have-

Joe Rogan 52:40 What is it?

Nikki Glaser 52:41 ... bradycar- It's, I have, I think it's 37 to 42 resting.

Joe Rogan 52:45 What is ... You have an issue? What is it called? Bradyc what?

Nikki Glaser 52:47 It's called bradycardia. It's just, like, a low resting pulse rate. I don't know-

Joe Rogan 52:51 And you don't exercise?

Nikki Glaser 52:52 No, I exercise a lot, but even when I don't exercise a lot, I still just have a low ...

Joe Rogan 52:56 Do you do a lot of cardio?

Nikki Glaser 52:58 I do a lot of cardio now. Yeah, but I have-

Joe Rogan 52:59 That's a really, like This is, like, elite athlete resting heart rate.

Nikki Glaser 53:02 It's like Lance Armstrong. I'm really proud of it.

Joe Rogan 53:04 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 53:04 But I do nothing to support it. Like, I d- I run every day, but not, like, enough to boast that. But it saved my life because I didn't know I had a low pulse rate, but when I went in for this thing, the, the, this physical, you know, the doctor clearly could see I was anorexic because they looked at me and weighed me, but they didn't have a, any kind of, like, s- s- data to keep me.

Joe Rogan 53:27 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 53:28 But ... Until they took my pulse, and they were like, "If you leave, you're gonna die, and you're gonna be a liability to us 'cause we know. So you can't leave. You're gonna ... You ... A 5150 or whatever it is, where you're committed to a psych ward."

Joe Rogan 53:38 Whoa.

Nikki Glaser 53:38 So I went in for a checkup, was t- taken on a golf court to the, a golf cart to the other side of the hospital, where I was checked into a psych ward.

Joe Rogan 53:48 Whoa.

Nikki Glaser 53:49 And my mom's like, "No, she's not." And they're like, "Yes, she is." And so I was admitted there, and I, I had to stay there for a c- a w- couple weeks, I think. And then I lied to get out of it 'cause I ate just enough to get out. And then I went to school. I convinced my parents I, I was okay to go away to school, which I wasn't. Nearly died there, just s- starving myself and exercising too much.

Joe Rogan 54:10 (sighs)

Nikki Glaser 54:10 And that, but that, th- that is how I got out of it, was that ... So I wanted to die because I was hungry all the time. Being hungry sucks, and I couldn't eat. I didn't know how to eat. I didn't know, even know how to begin to eat. So I was like ... Every night, I would just pray that I wouldn't wake up because I would go to bed freezing cold because you have no fat, so you're cold. You have to wake up ... I was going to school in Colorado. I was, m- ill-prepared for the weather, and also, I had no fat on my body. It was a- it was an awful existence. And then I did standup comedy for the first time because-

Joe Rogan 54:38 As an anorexic?

Nikki Glaser 54:39 Yeah, because when I went to school my freshman year, I was so crazy-looking. Like ...

Joe Rogan 54:45 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 54:45 I was s- I was like a s- I was like The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Ske-

Joe Rogan 54:50 Jack Skeleton. (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 54:50 Yeah, that is what I looked like. I was s- I look at pictures, and I'm like, "How did you have friends, bitch?" But I did because I became really funny because I wanted people to go, "Look over here. Don't look at me." So I just-

Joe Rogan 55:03 Right.

Nikki Glaser 55:04 D- I was a shy kid in high school when I was not anorexic, but then when I needed to make friends 'cause I was ... Went to school alone, I was like, "Oh, I'll just develop this really over-the-top personality so people don't notice that I'm so thin." So that's when I became funny, really funny. You know, I was always, like, dormantly funny. But that's when I became, like, outwardly funny. People started telling me I should be a comedian my freshman year. I tried it. I did it one time, and then I was like, "Oh, I have a reason to live now." Like, "I have a purpose." And I know that sounds so ...... stupid, like, cliche to say, like, "Oh, it gave me, comedy gave me a reason to live," but it really did because I didn't know what the... I was like, "If I'm gonna, what am I gonna become, a teacher? I don't c-, I'm not passionate about that, but this..." I was like, "Okay." So then I was like, "I got, I, I have to gain some weight if I'm gonna now have a career." So then I started, I found a therapist. I was like, "I gotta beat this." I started reading books, I found a therapist, and I found this one therapist who told me the thing that really broke through, which was like, when you have anorexia everyone's like, "Just eat something. Why don't you eat something?" And you feel very in control of it, m- and you feel like you're the one to blame for it, because you're the one that's choosing not to eat, and you're the one that's choosing to exercise, and, and, um, and so I felt all this shame about, like, "Why can't I f- cure myself? Why am I giving myself this thing that's ruining my life?" And then this therapist was like, "Think of it as like cancer. Like, you got, you got sick. Like, something invaded your life and there is a demon inside you telling you, 'Don't eat.' And it's not you. It's not you, so don't listen to that voice." And then as soon as I was able to, like, disassociate my illness from, like, it's my choice, it's my doing-

Joe Rogan 56:37 Mm.

Nikki Glaser 56:37 ... I'm not eating, and I was, like, able to see it as like The Exorcist, like that little girl has like a demon inside her that's like, "Don't eat, bitch. Don't eat."

Joe Rogan 56:45 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 56:45 "If you eat, you're weak." Soon as I was able to go, "Shut up, voice," then I was able to eat again. It was like one nugget of, one way of perceiving my illness that was able for m- me to, like, crack it. And then it took many years to, like, and I'm st- I still struggle with, you know, h- uh, control issues over food, but I'll never be anorexic again. But yeah, it was that. It was, um, it was g- a mixture of comedy and also therapy that got me out of it.

Joe Rogan 57:11 They say that with alcoholics too, that that's one of the reasons why alcoholics, when they talk about it, they talk about it like it's a disease, and people who aren't alcoholics who are judgmental go, "It's not a fucking disease. Cancer's a disease. Leukemia's a disease. You're just weak." But if they treat it like it's a disease, then you can cure it. But if you-

Nikki Glaser 57:31 (exhales)

Joe Rogan 57:31 ... if you treat it like your weak, then you just shit on yourself, like, "Ah, I'm weak. I can't, I just want another drink. Like, what is it about me? Why do I need this booze?" And there's this weird cycle, this loop, this, that goes on in your brain, you know, like, "I don't wanna drink. I don't wanna drink. Dammit, I drank. I'm never gonna drink again. Fuck, I'm drinking again." And then these people that just get completely out of control, one of the ways that helps them is to treat it like it's a disease.

Nikki Glaser 57:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:57 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 57:58 I, I think it's, I think it was just a real, a way that I'd never c- I had seen so many doctors, but until that one guy told me to think of it, and like literally did the thing where he put a chair in the f- corner of the room and was like, "Talk to your disease. Tell it what it's-"

Joe Rogan 58:12 Oh.

Nikki Glaser 58:12 "... done to your life." And I had to like, and I go, "This is st- I'm not doing this. Fuck you for everything."

Joe Rogan 58:17 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 58:17 And just, it took me 30 seconds until I was sobbing, screaming at this empty chair.

Joe Rogan 58:22 Oh.

Nikki Glaser 58:23 But it r- I mean, it worked.

Joe Rogan 58:25 Have you ever talked about this on stage?

Nikki Glaser 58:27 No, it's so weird because, uh, (sighs) I'm still, I feel like I'm still too in it, or I don't kn- I don't know. I want to be able to some day, and when I am able to, it'll be like a real huge moment in my career and life. But even me being able to talk about it on podcasts like this, or, uh, in platforms like this, um, is new to me-

Joe Rogan 58:48 Mm. Really?

Nikki Glaser 58:48 ... still. And I've done it before, but it's, it's, I just feel like I still suffer with so many of these things that I'm like, "Ugh, it's so weird to talk about it." Like, I'm, I like to have a little bit more distance from the... Even though it's been, I'm 34 now and I get, had anorexia when I was 18. I'm still like, "It's still too new."

Joe Rogan 59:07 Mm.

Nikki Glaser 59:07 But sometimes things, it's-

Joe Rogan 59:09 Well, 16 years seems like a long time-

Nikki Glaser 59:11 I know.

Joe Rogan 59:12 ... but it goes by quick. Happens very quick. It's-

Nikki Glaser 59:17 I-

Joe Rogan 59:17 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 59:17 I just like to have, mm, (sighs) I don't know, I don't know what it is. I'm just still, I think I'm still so angry about it, and still there's still pieces of it that I'm like, "How did I get this and how did I have to save myself instead of someone else coming in and saving me?"

Joe Rogan 59:33 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 59:33 "And why didn't someone intervene before?"

Joe Rogan 59:38 They can't, though, can they? I mean, now you know.

Nikki Glaser 59:41 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 59:41 It's kinda, it's very hard for someone to convince someone, "You need to stop drinking," or, "You need to get your shit together."

Nikki Glaser 59:46 I know.

Joe Rogan 59:46 "Or you need to do this, or you need to do that."

Nikki Glaser 59:49 You need to hit your own bottom.

Joe Rogan 59:50 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 59:51 I know, and it's, but, you know, uh, I feel like, yeah. You just, uh, I, uh, there's still just things about it that are really painful to me, and I think that it- when I am dealing with something like that on stage, I think the pain still shows, and I can't be funny with it yet 'cause I'm still so angry. I think I'm still just, like, angry-

Joe Rogan 1:00:11 Mm.

Nikki Glaser 1:00:11 ... about it because I also feel like I'm still a victim to, um, body dysmorphia, like crazy. Like, that's my new thing, where, like, I'll just see something in the mirror then I'm like, "Well, yesterday you felt the opposite." Like, what, I'll go from, in a 24-hour s- time frame, from being like, "You're fat." I'll like s- f- look in the mirror and be like, "You're fat." And then the next day I'll be like, "You're too thin." And I'm like, "Well, those two things can't be possible within 24 hours of themselves, so you're crazy."

Joe Rogan 1:00:40 Right.

Nikki Glaser 1:00:41 So that, I mean, I'm still dealing with stuff like that, and I wanna be on the other side of it and be able to tell girls, like, "You're beautiful and your body doesn't matter, and it's what's up here that counts."

Joe Rogan 1:00:50 Mm-hmm.

Nikki Glaser 1:00:50 But I don't, and I'm not, I'm not there yet, so I don't know how to g- to, to really talk about it.

Joe Rogan 1:00:57 Well, I don't think, I don't think there's one way, you know? I think everybody's got their own weird thing that's causing them to have issues, whether it's, uh, be, to be an alcoholic or to be addicted to whatever you're addicted to.

Nikki Glaser 1:01:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:12 There, everybody, it's, there's no one, you- you have to figure out the person and then figure out how this disease, or whatever it is, has sort of interfaced with that person. And what is it that happened to you that made this, this thing attractive, where it fits into your slots and, and, and distracts you from all the things that are freaking you the fuck out about your existence?

Nikki Glaser 1:01:35 Yeah. I mean, it is-

Joe Rogan 1:01:36 Yeah.

Nikki Glaser 1:01:37 ... a coping mechanism.

Joe Rogan 1:01:38 I mean, that's, if it was so simple that, like, "Oh, when people are anorexic, you tell them this." And then they go, "Oh, okay." I mean, if there was, like, a protocol that you could just-... establish right away, "Oh, you just gotta take these steps and then you'll be fixed." It doesn't work. And they-

Nikki Glaser 1:01:54 I know.

Joe Rogan 1:01:54 ... might work for some people. You know what, it would, really doesn't help, you know, it doesn't help that it's so prevalent. Like there's so many people that have issu-... Like, and the other way too, like there's people that are bodybuilders that are crazy that can't, they, they-

Nikki Glaser 1:02:10 It's the same thing.

Joe Rogan 1:02:11 ... can't get big enough. It's the same thing.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:12 It is the same thing.

Joe Rogan 1:02:13 Or girls with giant fake boobs.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:15 That they think they need triple F boobs. Like the, the way people see themselves versus the way other people see them is very strange.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:23 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 1:02:23 Yeah. You know what I've been watching? The show Botched. Have you ever watched that show?

Nikki Glaser 1:02:27 Oh, yeah. I've watched that show.

Joe Rogan 1:02:28 Ooh! Holy shit.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:29 I mean, that's the same... They don't-

Joe Rogan 1:02:31 Yeah, same thing.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:31 ... they don't, they don't know what they're seeing.

Joe Rogan 1:02:33 They don't know what's going on.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:33 They don't see what we're seeing at all.

Joe Rogan 1:02:35 No. No. It's, it's crazy. There's this poor lady who was on the other day who, uh, is getting, uh, she's getting her nose fixed because she had so many surgeries that her nose collapsed.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:45 (gasps) .

Joe Rogan 1:02:45 And it was just like, oh Christ. You know? And they, they had to take a chunk out of her rib and they, uh, rebuilt her nose up. It came out great at the end.

Nikki Glaser 1:02:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:55 So, obviously, which is why they put it on television. They-

Nikki Glaser 1:02:57 But she ain't done.

Joe Rogan 1:02:58 ... they fixed her. Oh. You think?

Nikki Glaser 1:02:59 Unless you don't fix inside.

Joe Rogan 1:03:02 You don't think so? You don't think she's done?

Nikki Glaser 1:03:03 I don't think she's d-

Joe Rogan 1:03:04 I hope she's done.

Nikki Glaser 1:03:04 No way is that bitch done.

Joe Rogan 1:03:06 Maybe she suffered. (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 1:03:07 No way is she done. Unless you're fixing what's up here that's making you look at yourself in the mirror and go, "I'm ugly," or what-... Like-

Joe Rogan 1:03:13 Right.

Nikki Glaser 1:03:13 And that's what I'm in a mad dash to do, Joe, is like-

Joe Rogan 1:03:16 To fix yourself?

Nikki Glaser 1:03:17 Well, just... No. To... Yeah. To get to love myself enough through therapy, meditation, just to love myself on the inside enough that I don't... 'Cause as I age, as you age, especially in this business, things aren't as good for w-... As you age as a woman, things get shittier. Like you become less valuable to s- society based on the fact that you're aging. It's just the-

Joe Rogan 1:03:40 In this business.

Nikki Glaser 1:03:40 In this business and in life. Like I remember the first ti-... I remember one time I was hanging out in high school with my girlfriends and I remember th- their mom, her-... This girl's mom always used to just kind of say things that she envied our youth a lot. And, and when you're young you're just like, "Okay, old lady. What are you cons-..." You know?

Joe Rogan 1:03:57 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 1:03:57 "Just get out of here. What are you..." You're saying these sad things and then just walking out of the room silently.

Joe Rogan 1:04:02 (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 1:04:02 Like, but she would say these things and one day, the one thing she said really got to me. She was like, "You girls are all so young and thin and beautiful. You know, I remember, I remember the last time a man held the door for me." And then she just left the room. And I'm like, "Oh, there's a day that that just stops?"

Joe Rogan 1:04:20 Wow. That's ridiculous. I hold the-

Nikki Glaser 1:04:21 Of course.

Joe Rogan 1:04:22 ... door for old ladies all the time. That's stupid. (laughs)

Nikki Glaser 1:04:24 But I, I think she