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The Joe Rogan ExperienceThe Joe Rogan Experience

Joe Rogan Experience #1183 - Andrew Santino

Andrew Santino is a stand up comedian and actor. You can also see him on PROPS presented by Yahoo Sports, with episodes every Wednesday - https://bit.ly/2NAfM1j

Joe RoganhostAndrew SantinoguestJamie VernonguestKanye Westguest
Oct 11, 20182h 45mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:000:54

    Sober October kickoff: whiskey taunts, coffee as AA, and points trash talk

    1. JR

      ... s-

    2. AS

      Here we go, four-

    3. JR

      ... three.

    4. AS

      ... three.

    5. JR

      ... two.

    6. AS

      ... two... one.

    7. JR

      Let's get the sound of this popping off.

    8. AS

      I am back! Cito Santino, ladies and gentlemen.

    9. JR

      (laughs)

    10. AS

      He just popped open a Maker's to taunt me-

    11. JR

      46.

    12. AS

      ... through Sober October.

    13. JR

      Mm. Can we... Let me, let me just do something so we can-

    14. AS

      Yeah, let me hear that. Let me hear that. Let me hear that. Oh, that does sound lovely. Oh.

    15. JR

      (sighs) This one's for, uh-

    16. AS

      I can't wait.

    17. JR

      ... this one's for Fat Bert and-

    18. AS

      What are we at right now?

    19. JR

      ... for Ari.

    20. AS

      11. I have 20 days.

    21. JR

      (exhales) .

    22. AS

      20 days of sobriety. That ain't shit.

    23. JR

      Hmm.

    24. AS

      I already did 11.

    25. JR

      Mm-hmm.

    26. AS

      But let me tell you something what I've learned from this. This is what we were talking about before the podcast started.

    27. JR

      (exhales) .

    28. AS

      You wanna hear me? I'm gonna pour some-

    29. JR

      Yeah.

    30. AS

      ... coffee, like an alcoholic.

  2. 0:545:07

    Training like a maniac: 2–3 hour workouts, machine circuits, and anxiety relief

    1. AS

      Um, one of the things that I realized is that if you work out like I'm working out, like fucking three hours a day-

    2. JR

      Yeah.

    3. AS

      ... 'cause I'm trying, literally trying to kill Bert. I want Bert to try to keep up with me.

    4. JR

      You want him to die, though.

    5. AS

      Well, I'm trying to kill him.

    6. JR

      Yeah.

    7. AS

      Yeah, I'm trying to give him a heart attack. 'Cause you know what bothers me?

    8. JR

      (coughs) .

    9. AS

      What... This, this is all weed and there's mushrooms in here, and there's no cigars.

    10. JR

      No cigars. (laughs)

    11. AS

      Um, maybe in the other one.

    12. JR

      All good shit.

    13. JV

      No, man. They may not.

    14. AS

      Maybe.

    15. JV

      Maybe not.

    16. AS

      I might've taken them out of here.

    17. JV

      I don't know.

    18. JR

      The humidor.

    19. JV

      Yeah.

    20. JR

      We're gonna get a huge humidor for you.

    21. AS

      A humidor.

    22. JR

      A humidor.

    23. AS

      Um, what I realized... This is why I'm trying to kill Bert.

    24. JR

      Yeah.

    25. AS

      He likes to pretend-

    26. JR

      That he's in shape?

    27. AS

      ... that his effort... Yes.

    28. JR

      Yes.

    29. AS

      That his effort is spectacular.

    30. JR

      Yeah, no.

  3. 5:077:12

    Raising the stakes: the missing Sober October “belt” and crowd-sourced design contest

    1. JR

      There should be something big, big on the line, though.

    2. AS

      Yeah, there's nothing on the line.

    3. JR

      I see sh-

    4. AS

      What about a belt?

    5. JR

      Yeah, there should be something big on the line.

    6. AS

      We have to finalize that belt, Jamie.

    7. JV

      You need some good artwork, which-

    8. AS

      Yeah.

    9. JV

      ... you have some, but-

    10. AS

      Yeah. Uh, folks, um, get at me on Instagram.

    11. JR

      Instagram.

    12. AS

      Use the hashtag... You know, use like #JoeRogan. Tag me. And if you win, I'll give you 500 bucks.

    13. JV

      Oh.

    14. AS

      Okay?

    15. JV

      Power move.

    16. JR

      Look at that. People are scrambling for fucking pens right now.

    17. AS

      So anybody, anybody who comes up with the, the best design, I'll give you 500 bucks. If I don't choose anybody, nobody gets shit. We- we'll have an artist try to-

    18. JR

      If you don't choose anybody, you burn the money. That's what Joe's gonna do.

    19. JV

      Yeah.

    20. AS

      I'll do that quick, too.

    21. JR

      He's gonna burn it.

    22. AS

      Uh, yeah, we need it quick. I have an artist that's trying to work on it, too, so there's a run. There's like a... There's a mad run here.

    23. JR

      (laughs)

    24. AS

      But, um, the, um, the thing... What I was gonna say is-

    25. JR

      Yeah.

    26. AS

      ... all bullshit aside and jokes, and I do love Bert.

    27. JR

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    28. AS

      And I do love everybody else doing this.

    29. JR

      They're the best.

    30. AS

      But all jokes aside, I, I have, like, zero anxiety-... zero worry, zero stress. Like, when you burn your body out like that, do like two hours of working out a day, not... You know, I don't give a fuck about anything. Like I'm in traffic, people cut me off, I'm like-

  4. 7:1212:52

    Neighborhood “mountain lion” video: wildlife paranoia and identity satire

    1. AS

      There was a, "Is that a mountain lion? Is that a mountain lion? Is that a mountain-" There's a mountain lion in my neighborhood, by the way. This-

    2. JR

      There is?

    3. AS

      Yeah. The neighborhoods, uh, one of the neighbors spotted a mountain lion.

    4. JR

      You got your fucking bow out?

    5. AS

      They, uh... Good luck shooting a mountain lion with a bow.

    6. JR

      Be fun though, huh?

    7. AS

      Y- y- y- you'd have to... The odds of you shooting a mount- yeah. What is that that walks by that lady? Is that a cat?

    8. JV

      I don't-

    9. JR

      That's a fucking... No, that's not a cat.

    10. JV

      People said it was a mountain lion because of how its tail popped up at-

    11. AS

      It looks like a mountain lion-

    12. JR

      (laughs)

    13. JV

      ... walking right by her.

    14. AS

      ... but it's just way too casual walking by her.

    15. JR

      She doesn't give a fuck.

    16. JV

      She doesn't know what it is. She thought it was a dog.

    17. AS

      It's, it definitely looks like a cat.

    18. JR

      She thought it was a dog, huh?

    19. JV

      Yeah.

    20. JR

      It kinda looks like a dog.

    21. AS

      But it's, it's just way too calm the way it walks by her. That's not a wild cat.

    22. JR

      I think that's a dog, man.

    23. AS

      But it doesn't look like it.

    24. JR

      A dog, maybe a mountain lion. (laughs) Made its debut.

    25. AS

      Nobody knows what the fuck it is.

    26. JR

      Terrifying or not.

    27. AS

      Even wildlife experts are looking at that video and they're like, "The t-" See, like, I'm not a wildlife expert but I've seen a lot of wildlife.

    28. JR

      Mm-hmm.

    29. AS

      The tail does not look right. The tail looks like a cat.

    30. JR

      Does it?

  5. 12:5220:04

    Glamrou and quantum physics: peacocking, attention, and judgment vs. tolerance

    1. AS

      That picture that I posted on my Instagram about the British Iraqi genderqueer whatever the fuck he is. Look at this, "Quantum physics really helped me understand my queer identity. I'm British Iraqi, gay, non-binary and identify as Muslim."

    2. JV

      (laughs)

    3. AS

      That is real, by the way. There's a video ... If you go to, um, whose Instagram? Oh, James Woods posted it on his Twitter page. If you go to James Woods' Twitter page and he says ... Is that ... That's Ali G, right? That's what he says.

    4. JR

      That is funny.

    5. AS

      Yeah. Or, that's Sasha Baron Cohen.

    6. JR

      This is Sasha Baron Cohen.

    7. AS

      Yeah. If you go to his Twitter page and you find it from yesterday, that's where I saw it, and there's an actual video that goes along with it. Now, here's what's interesting. When you listen to this g- person, I don't wanna assume their gender.

    8. JR

      Some- Something. No, just say, "This something."

    9. AS

      When you listen to this something, it seems, uh, very intelligent, like a very intelligent person.

    10. JR

      Sure.

    11. JV

      He posts a lot.

    12. AS

      But ... Yeah, he posts a lot.

    13. JV

      (laughs)

    14. AS

      All James Woods does all day is just drink coffee and talk shit about liberals. Keep going down.

    15. JV

      I already ... It was past his yesterday already.

    16. AS

      Yeah, just keep going. It was, uh-

    17. JR

      He's got some Kavanaugh mixed in. He's got some fake news mixed in.

    18. AS

      It's in there.

    19. JR

      I like beer.

    20. AS

      I guarantee you. How many days-

    21. JR

      I still like beer.

    22. JV

      Now, like, this is two days ago now.

    23. JR

      I don't know why-

    24. AS

      Ah, keep going. It might be in there.

    25. JV

      Maybe delete it. Was it a response to someone?

    26. AS

      No, no, no. I don't think so. Ah, it might have been.

    27. JR

      There it is right there.

    28. JV

      There it is.

    29. AS

      Bam. Okay, go live.

    30. JR

      Yeah.

  6. 20:0421:53

    Celebrity politics detour: Jay-Z/Kanye rumors and Kanye’s Trump strategy theory

    1. AS

      Jay-Z and Beyonce will no longer speak to Kanye and Kim Kardashian.

    2. JR

      Fact.

    3. JV

      When did they do it?

    4. AS

      According to the fucking fake news, bro.

    5. JV

      Nah, that's old news.

    6. JR

      Fake news.

    7. AS

      No, it's just out yesterday.

    8. JV

      Nah, nah, really?

    9. AS

      Yes, yesterday.

    10. JR

      Yeah, yeah.

    11. JV

      (laughs)

    12. JR

      Yeah, they just printed it yesterday.

    13. AS

      They publicly disavowed Kanye West and Kim Kardashian because of his position on Trump.

    14. JV

      Oh, I didn't even realize-

    15. JR

      Jamie's gotta Google it.

    16. JV

      I was checking it out.

    17. JR

      But that, but, but you know what?

    18. AS

      I just checked it out. I don't believe this.

    19. JR

      Yeah. (laughs)

    20. JV

      (laughs)

    21. AS

      Jamie, fastest one-handed typer in the fucking business. Look at that, see? It's over, bitch.

    22. JR

      22 hours ago.

    23. AS

      Severed ties, motherfucker.

    24. JV

      Man.

    25. AS

      The Daily Mail, severed ties. It's in hotnewhiphop.com.

    26. JR

      (laughs)

    27. JV

      (laughs)

    28. AS

      It's on NME. What's NME?

    29. JR

      New Media Entertainment.

    30. AS

      Severed ties. Sever ties.

  7. 21:5328:47

    Kaepernick and the national anthem: platform protest vs. endgame and sports nationalism

    1. AS

      I, I hope he does. But here's the thing, Donald Trump's not a cop and he's not shooting black people.

    2. JR

      Yeah.

    3. AS

      Like, the whole thing is bizarre.

    4. JR

      It's, yeah, I know, it makes no sense.

    5. AS

      And th- when Kaepernick is on his knees during the national anthem, that's bizarre too.

    6. JR

      Yeah.

    7. AS

      Because people are just there for a game.

    8. JR

      Yeah, it's a game.

    9. AS

      Like, I, I completely understand that you're, uh, disgusted by police brutality.

    10. JR

      Sure.

    11. AS

      I think virtually everyone is.

    12. JR

      Yeah.

    13. AS

      And my take on it is, it's, first of all, it's insanely difficult to be a police officer. You have a lot of people that are police officers that have no business holding that job.

    14. JR

      Right.

    15. AS

      They're under extreme pressure. A lot of them have PTSD, and a lot of them, they're bullies. And they get into this position because they wanna be the guy with the gun in charge.

    16. JR

      Totally.

    17. AS

      And then, they have an opportunity to pull that trigger and they do and they face repercussions because someone was filming it.

    18. JR

      Mm-hmm.

    19. AS

      And I think that shit has happened from the beginning of time.

    20. JR

      Yeah, of course.

    21. AS

      And there's film, there's a horrible film that we played where there was a guy, I, I posted it on my Twitter, it's fucking horrible, of a guy shooting a white guy who's crawling for his life on the flo- he's telling the guy to crawl towards him, "Let me see your hands." It's in Arizona.

    22. JR

      Mm-hmm.

    23. AS

      And the guy's pants have fallen down. He keeps reaching back to grab his pants. And he goes, he goes, "I will fucking shoot you if you grab your pants!" And the guy is f- crawling and his pants start falling down. He tries to grab his pants, and the guy lights him up.

    24. JR

      God.

    25. AS

      In the hallway of a hotel.

    26. JR

      Yeah, fucked.

    27. AS

      Just kills him.

    28. JR

      Fucked.

    29. AS

      Murdered him. The guy was crying and begging for his life, and the, the cop was making him crawl towards him. Like, why the fuck would you ever make someone crawl towards you?

    30. JR

      That's insane.

  8. 28:4740:43

    Kanye at the White House meets car porn: Ford GT, Raptor, and “dope” semantics

    1. AS

      I have my own issues about the Olympics.

    2. JR

      You know. I know, but I'm just saying, I get the fucking national anthems at the Olympics.

    3. AS

      Yeah.

    4. JR

      That's what it is.

    5. AS

      Yeah.

    6. JR

      But this is just the Packers versus fucking, you know, the Buccaneers. That ha- ... The, the ... This has nothing to do with the bearing of American future.

    7. AS

      I agree.

    8. JR

      "Oh, well, the soldiers fought for your right to be able to put ..." Soldiers fought for your right to be able to do fucking everything. To do ... Do we have to say it-

    9. AS

      Everything.

    10. JR

      ... before this podcast?

    11. AS

      Right. We should.

    12. JR

      Okay, we should right now.

    13. AS

      That's why there's a goddamn flag behind me, Cheeto Santino.

    14. JR

      No shit. (laughs)

    15. AS

      Goddamn American flag, motherfucker.

    16. JR

      Yeah, but secretly, the fans don't know that Joe hates the American flag.

    17. AS

      Look what's on my phone, bitch. It's the goddamn American flag-

    18. JR

      See, this is, this, this is, uh-

    19. AS

      ... on my lock screen, motherfucker.

    20. JR

      This is trolling. He's trolling.

    21. AS

      Woo!

    22. JR

      Joe is actually Canadian. Nobody knows that.

    23. AS

      Shh.

    24. JR

      Joe's a Canadian. (laughs)

    25. AS

      Keep it down, bro. They'll hear us.

    26. JR

      The conspiracy Rogan theorists online are like, "Is Joe actually born in Canada?" (laughs)

    27. AS

      I've been doing Canadian propaganda on the sneak tip for years.

    28. JR

      (laughs)

    29. AS

      For years.

    30. JR

      Toronto's a great city.

  9. 40:4348:03

    Kanye, meds, and creativity: stability vs. artistry and self-awareness

    1. AS

      Well, this is what I think because of Sober October. I think he just needs to work out.

    2. JR

      See, I- I was just gonna say, I don't, I don't, I don't think, I don't think it's a part of his lifestyle. I think his lifestyle is so-

    3. AS

      Well, that's not true because one of my friends was his trainer.

    4. JR

      So, he does work out?

    5. AS

      He had a trainer for a while.

    6. JR

      See, I feel like he doesn't work... He seems like a guy that just doesn't have the f-

    7. AS

      He, he had a trainer.

    8. JR

      Yeah?

    9. AS

      Trust me. Yeah. That's-

    10. JR

      That's when he lost weight after all this bullshit.

    11. AS

      It was a long time ago.

    12. JR

      Yeah.

    13. AS

      He had a trainer... (sighs) I wanna say my friend was doing like-

    14. JR

      I see he looks really good, in good, great shape there.

    15. AS

      ... six or seven years ago. Yeah. Well, you know, I don't wanna disclose any trainer-client confidential shit, but-

    16. JR

      Do it.

    17. AS

      ... he was working out.

    18. JR

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    19. AS

      He was working out. But the, the point is-

    20. JR

      (laughs)

    21. AS

      ... look, the guy's fucking obviously a little loony.

    22. JR

      Mm-hmm.

    23. AS

      But that's also why he's so fucking creative.

    24. JR

      Fuck yeah.

    25. AS

      I mean, that's why his music is so good. I mean, I- I don't think you have to be completely normal. Look, most of my best friends are out of their fucking minds. There's nothing-

    26. JR

      You're not, you're not fucking normal.

    27. AS

      I'm not normal.

    28. JR

      Yeah, no.

    29. AS

      I got real problems.

    30. JR

      Yeah.

  10. 48:0355:25

    Alt-white, pundit culture, and the PornHub map: repression, politics, and desire

    1. JR

      Of co-... Well, look at it like this. There's a map. You can bring it up Ja- Ja- Jamie, bring it up. There's a map of uh, um, categorical porn percentages in the United States, and the highest percentage of white and Black porn is in the South. Is in, like, the Bible Belt.

    2. AS

      See, I had a- I used to have a bit about it.

    3. JR

      You did?

    4. AS

      But I had to stop doing it because it was-

    5. JR

      'Cause it was too true?

    6. AS

      ... I, I dropped the N-bomb a bunch of times in the bit.

    7. JR

      Oh. (laughs)

    8. AS

      (laughs) It was just... (laughs) It was in character-

    9. JR

      I can see how that didn't go over as well though.

    10. AS

      It worked.

    11. JR

      It worked.

    12. AS

      Or it didn't. (laughs)

    13. JR

      Yeah, or-

    14. AS

      Either it crushed or it was dangerous.

    15. JR

      (laughs)

    16. AS

      (laughs)

    17. JR

      Yeah, yeah. (laughs) Or after the show, Joe had to sneak out fast. No, that... There, there was a, there was... It was like... In the Bible Belt-

    18. AS

      Yeah.

    19. JR

      ... there is a chunk of the highest amount of Black dudes fucking white, like Black-on-white porn-

    20. AS

      Yeah.

    21. JR

      ... is in the most conservative parts of the country.

    22. AS

      Well, my, my take on it was that it wasn't Black guys that were watching this.

    23. JR

      Of course not.

    24. AS

      Yeah.

    25. JR

      No.

    26. AS

      Yeah.

    27. JR

      It's fucking white dudes that are-

    28. AS

      Suppressed. Angry.

    29. JR

      That wish they're white. Yeah.

    30. AS

      Angry.

  11. 55:251:02:32

    Texas scale and hidden history: meg ranches, petroglyphs, and MeatEater in Guyana

    1. JR

      Yeah.

    2. AS

      ... of an unknown origin. They don't know who di-... And, uh-

    3. JR

      I'm actually-

    4. AS

      ... and I was like, "Well, don't they have historians come here and rope that off?" Like, the- they got a lot of it here.

    5. JR

      Yeah.

    6. AS

      It's all over the place. They don't even pay attention to it. I was like-

    7. JR

      What?

    8. AS

      ... "What are you talking about?" Are you serious?

    9. JR

      They just let... They just don't, they don't bother with it?

    10. AS

      Yeah. Look, ancient petroglyphs that they... Look at, click on that, that upper left-hand corner, the one you just had.

    11. JV

      Mexico.

    12. AS

      ... is that New Mexico?

    13. JV

      Yeah.

    14. AS

      Yeah. They have them all over the Southwest.

    15. JR

      I mean, it's all over. Yeah. It's Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, everywhere that-

    16. AS

      But the thing is no one's, like, curating them. No one's taking care of them. They just exist on this ranch. And the ranch was a, a, was a hunting ranch-

    17. JR

      That's fucking awesome.

    18. AS

      ... that these people are on. And they took pictures of them.

    19. JR

      Where is that, Jamie?

    20. JV

      Texas.

    21. JR

      That's fucking amazing.

    22. AS

      My friend, uh, Steve Rinella, whose new show, Meat Eater, is now only on Netflix. It's a hunting show that's on Netflix. Like, an intelligent, really well-narrated hunting show that's, that's, that's done and produced by a brilliant guy.

    23. JR

      Yeah.

    24. AS

      My friend, Steve Rinella. But he was in Guyana, which was where, um, Jonestown was.

    25. JR

      Yep.

    26. AS

      Where he fucking killed all those people.

    27. JR

      The massacre, yeah.

    28. AS

      Jim Jones with the Kool-Aid.

    29. JR

      Yeah.

    30. AS

      And, uh, they found these petroglyphs on a rock and they were like, "Well, who, who made these?" Like, no one has any idea. It's, like, right by this waterfall. No one has any idea. It's a fascinating series. He's in Guyana, um, uh, living with these indigenous people and fishing-

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