Joe Rogan Experience #1195 - Christina P

Christina P is a stand-up comedian and hosts a podcast with her husband, Tom Segura, called “Your Mom’s House.” She's also on the new Netflix Original Stand Up series "The Degenerates" streaming now.

Joe RoganhostChristina Pguest

Nov 7, 20183h 30mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,013 words

0:00 – 15:00
(singing) …
1. JRJoe Rogan
  (singing)
2. CPChristina P
  (singing) Isn't... Aren't they making James Bond, a woman? Oh, I'm sorry.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  I think they are making James Bond woman. I hope it's a Black woman who's queer.
4. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
5. JRJoe Rogan
  That's the only way for justice to be served.
6. CPChristina P
  And non-binary.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes. But what does that mean?
8. CPChristina P
  She's n-... Her gender can switch throughout the film, depending on where she is.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, that's non-binary? Hmm.
10. CPChristina P
  Gender flux.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Gender-fluid. I thought that was gender-fluid.
12. CPChristina P
  Gender-fluid, sorry.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
14. CPChristina P
  What's your pronoun today?
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, -zer.
16. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
17. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) I've always wanted to have a Z in there.
18. CPChristina P
  Yeah.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  I think Zs are cool.
20. CPChristina P
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Zorro.
22. CPChristina P
  Zorros.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Zors.
24. CPChristina P
  Zimz. I feel like, "Your Highness."
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh. That's good.
26. CPChristina P
  That's a good one, right?
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. That's good. Yeah, "Your Highness" can be a guy or a girl.
28. CPChristina P
  Whoa.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Whoa, it's gender-neutral.
30. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
15:00 – 30:00
I know, the Greeks…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  with young boys.
2. CPChristina P
  I know, the Greeks loved to, uh, do that.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, Romans.
4. CPChristina P
  Yes.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Greeks. Many, many different, um, ancient civilizations thought it was normal for men to have young boys as, you know, as sex partners.
6. CPChristina P
  Yeah.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Fucking-
8. CPChristina P
  Crazy.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  ... fucking strange.
10. CPChristina P
  Yeah, and then the Christians, right? Didn't the Christians come along? And they were like, "Wait a minute."
11. JRJoe Rogan
  "We, we'll show you how to do this."
12. CPChristina P
  "We..." (laughs) Yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  "We gotta do this only with priests."
14. CPChristina P
  Right, right. (laughs)
15. JRJoe Rogan
  "And you gotta move them around."
16. CPChristina P
  Only the elite get to rape children. Uh, yeah, it's interesting.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  It's, that is...
18. CPChristina P
  It is crazy.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  To this day, my most shocked that I ever am when people get upset at me is when I shit on Catholicism, is when I shit on child molesting, I'm like, "L- what? What... Are y- are we pretending that this shit isn't happening constantly?"
20. CPChristina P
  Right.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  I mean, if, if they were anything else, like say it was the NBA. If the NBA was traveling around just fucking kids.
22. CPChristina P
  (laughs) Right.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  They're playing basketball.
24. CPChristina P
  Right.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, but they're fucking kids.
26. CPChristina P
  That's interesting.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Like who would say, "Yeah, but man, they're playing good basketball."
28. CPChristina P
  Right, right.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  "They're fucking dunking, they, they sh- lay ups."
30. CPChristina P
  Good show.
30:00 – 45:00
I don't know who's…
1. CPChristina P
  your dick to a fucking party.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  I don't know who's not.
3. CPChristina P
  I know, but that's the thing.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  There's only one way to find out.
5. CPChristina P
  'Cause how long have you been-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Send them a dick.
7. CPChristina P
  ... with your lady now, since-
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Long enough to not send her any dick pictures.
9. CPChristina P
  (laughs) Right. (laughs) I've never ...
10. JRJoe Rogan
  If I, if I send her dicks, it's other people's.
11. CPChristina P
  Yeah. (laughs)
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, who, what, what do you think of that? (laughs)
13. CPChristina P
  Do you get sent dick pics?
14. JRJoe Rogan
  No. No.
15. CPChristina P
  No, me, yeah, me neither.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Except from Tom.
17. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Tom will send me one every now and then. (laughs) ... or Redban-
19. CPChristina P
  (laughs) Or Biz?
20. JRJoe Rogan
  ... or Sigura. Yeah.
21. CPChristina P
  Yeah.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  It's ... I think that that is, like-
23. CPChristina P
  Jesus.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  ... one of the most, uh, misguided things ever, like the random dick pic that g-
25. CPChristina P
  Well-
26. JRJoe Rogan
  ... that guys that don't even know a girl will send.
27. CPChristina P
  Well, that's the thing too is, like-
28. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
29. CPChristina P
  ... it goes back to what women don't want. Like-
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Exactly.
45:00 – 1:00:00
Yeah, I got a…
1. CPChristina P
  they freeze the muscle. It paralyzes it, so you can't make ... You can't scowl to make-
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, I got a scowl line.
3. CPChristina P
  Yeah, we both have-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  See that scowl line?
5. CPChristina P
  That's the ... Years of-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a what the fuck-
7. CPChristina P
  Yeah. (laughs)
8. JRJoe Rogan
  That's my what the fuck is going on line.
9. CPChristina P
  I got the same one. God damn it. Uh, so it paralyzes it so you can't do the, the gesture that creates the wrinkle. So it's more of a preemptive measure, so you should start doing it early is what they say.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Right. But what about being a comic and making facial expressions?
11. CPChristina P
  That's the problem. That's the problem. So when you're on stage, you end up getting migraines 'cause you can't-
12. JRJoe Rogan
  'Cause you can't move your eyebrows.
13. CPChristina P
  Yeah.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Argh. You're like, "I'm surprised, I swear."
15. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
16. JRJoe Rogan
  "I swear, I'm stunned."
17. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  "Look, I'm gonna make my eyes wider." Argh.
19. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Argh.
21. CPChristina P
  Uh, you wanna see a show, there's a show on Netflix where people go to Thailand for cheap plastic surgery.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
23. CPChristina P
  (laughs)
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Don't do it.
25. CPChristina P
  Don't do it.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Have you been to Thailand?
27. CPChristina P
  Never. Have you?
28. JRJoe Rogan
  It's awesome, yeah. Just went this summer.
29. CPChristina P
  Oh, okay.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Took the whole family.
1:00:00 – 1:06:28
Oh, look at you.…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  of a monarchy, and you're oppressing all those peasants.
2. CPChristina P
  Oh, look at you. Right.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, like, like, this whole th- like, I, I talked to a friend once who was ... who was like ... This was back in like the '90s. And he was, he was very pro-Black, Black guy who was very pro- and he said one of the most ridiculous things any person's ever said. He was talking about Black people today. He goes, "Black people had, you gotta understand, back in the day, we were kings."
4. CPChristina P
  Mm-hmm.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  And I go, "Well, you couldn't be all kings." I go, "Listen, listen, do you understand how kings work? There's one person, and that person dominates all these other people with power. And the way they do it is through threat and military."
6. CPChristina P
  Right.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  "And they kill people who oppress them." Like, you don't want to be a king, man.
8. CPChristina P
  They're dicks.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  You don't ... Yeah, it's one of the most terrible things to be, is a king. Like, you don't even get elected into office.
10. CPChristina P
  True.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  You're just a king. You have ultimate power. You abuse the shit out of it.
12. CPChristina P
  True.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  You, you weren't all kings. Like, you can't be all k- you can't say, "We were kings."
14. CPChristina P
  No.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Goddamn, that's a stupid thing to say.
16. CPChristina P
  Well, yeah, 'cause God, God ordains the king, right?
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
18. CPChristina P
  If you watch those, uh, Henry the ... I love those historical things.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Ugh.
20. CPChristina P
  I love it. Versailles, I watched that on, uh, Netflix, and, you know, whatever.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Do you ever watch Vikings?
22. CPChristina P
  I started to. Yeah. Is it good?
23. JRJoe Rogan
  It's fucking good.
24. CPChristina P
  All right.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
26. CPChristina P
  I'm gonna write that one out.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  It's surprisingly good. Give it four episodes.
28. CPChristina P
  Okay.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  'Cause right around episode four, it really kicks in.
30. CPChristina P
  Okay.

Episode duration: 3:30:22

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(singing) …

I know, the Greeks…

I don't know who's…

Yeah, I got a…

Oh, look at you.…

Get more out of YouTube videos.