Joe Rogan Experience #1220 - Joey Diaz

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   ... just act like…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      ... just act like there is.

   2. JDJoey Diaz0:02

      I assume there is.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:03

      Yeah, always assume. Woo! Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. Merry Christmas.

   4. JDJoey Diaz0:08

      Happy New Year. Merry Christmas. It's fucking on, you understand me? It's Christmas Eve. You thought it was gonna be ho-hum? Fuck you. Uncle Joey, Joe Rogan here, fucking live, Christmas Eve. Talking about bugs in your house and how easy it is for the feds ...

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:24

      They don't need to bug your house anymore. They just use your phone.

   6. JDJoey Diaz0:26

      No. They just-

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:26

      They just turn them o- Jamie, tell them, tell them what you were telling me about that, uh, the AirPods.

   8. JVJamie Vernon0:31

      Oh, yeah. There's a, there's a new setting on the, uh, (clears throat) a new, uh, in- operating system where your AirPods, you turn on this thing called Live Listen, and it, it's listening to the microphone on your iPhone. So you can leave your phone in a room, walk out, and you can ... You s- just made your own bug. But (coughs) that means that anybody that can then access your phone could probably also listen if they have access to that. I don't know how strong that really is.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:54

      But they've already said, like, if you talk to anybody that knows what's possible with electronics, they can already turn your microphone on anytime they want.

   10. JDJoey Diaz1:02

       Bro, when I was a kid, I grew up in that bookmaking shit and there were certain bookmakers that wouldn't talk in a room if there was a phone in the room.

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:10

       Smart ones.

   12. JDJoey Diaz1:11

       In the '70s.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       Yeah.

   14. JDJoey Diaz1:12

       They would not talk, not on the phone, but if there was a phone in the room, they would leave the room.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:18

       Yeah.

   16. JDJoey Diaz1:19

       That's how used to ... And I used to go, "These guys are super paranoid." They were 30 years ahead of their time.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:23

       Well, you remember how they got Vince in the chin. They started bugging cars along the way where he would walk. He would walk with his bathrobe like he was crazy and he would give everybody instructions. And he would do it on his walk so he couldn't get bugged anywhere. So they started bugging the cars along his walk route. That's how they got him.

   18. JDJoey Diaz1:39

       And they get you at the mic?

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:41

       Yeah.

   20. JDJoey Diaz1:42

       With the bu- bu- blind- The same microphone they use in the NFL when you hear all those tackles and gr- grunts. In the old days, they had a, I don't know what it ... The parabolic mic takes vibrations from glass.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:54

       Yeah.

   22. JDJoey Diaz1:55

       So I could just point this laser at your glass with speakers on and it'll take whatever you're saying in a room and bounce it off the glass.

   23. JRJoe Rogan2:03

       I've heard it. There's a recording of it. Yeah.

   24. JDJoey Diaz2:04

       This was in the fucking '80s, so by now, it's world c- class.

   25. JRJoe Rogan2:08

       Yeah. They can do ... Well, they're listening to everything.

   26. JDJoey Diaz2:10

       Everything.

   27. JRJoe Rogan2:10

       Anything, anything and everything.

   28. JDJoey Diaz2:12

       When I go in the p- bathroom on a plane, you have to assume they're watching you. Like I used to go in there and do, blast a Coke. I would always pull my pants down, (imitates flatulence) , go through the whole process like I was shitting. I wasn't really shitting. I just always thought there was a camera there.

   29. JRJoe Rogan2:28

       Well, you're probably correct.

   30. JDJoey Diaz2:30

       I've heard things that are just horrid about Vegas in the '80s, how they had cameras in rooms and-
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Johnny Hendricks. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz15:00

      him all the way to the end.

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      Johnny Hendricks.

   3. JDJoey Diaz15:01

      Yeah.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      Yeah.

   5. JDJoey Diaz15:01

      He never came... You know, some people give it all you got.

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:04

      Yep.

   7. JDJoey Diaz15:05

      That give it all you got moment.

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:06

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JDJoey Diaz15:06

      It's how they react after that. Uh, what's gonna happen... How is Kevin Lee gonna come back-

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:12

       Yeah.

   11. JDJoey Diaz15:13

       ... against Iaquinta? You always have those questions, which is a great fight, by the way.

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:17

       Amazing fight.

   13. JDJoey Diaz15:17

       You know, the, the fight I was most excited about this weekend was Michael Chiesa, Carlos Conduit.

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:24

       Hmm. Right, it's a good fight.

   15. JDJoey Diaz15:25

       Let's see what Carlos Conduit ... You know, Carlos Conduit been around for a long fucking time.

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:29

       (laughs) His name is Condit, but... (laughs)

   17. JDJoey Diaz15:31

       Condit. He knows I'm his brother and I'm one of his biggest fans. And if I was in the mafia, I'd hire him from the UFC a long time ago 'cause he's an assassin.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:40

       He's like a realized John Wick.

   19. JDJoey Diaz15:41

       He really is. You just give him a, you just give him a gun with a silencer-

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:44

       Yeah.

   21. JDJoey Diaz15:45

       ... and a pencil and let him do the rest. Go down there and you could switch his mind quick with $600,000 a week.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:50

       I wanna say that his, uh, UFC... Was it his debut against Brock Larson? Was that, was that his debut or was it, was that in the WEC? I feel like that was in the WEC. I feel like his debut was against, um... Shit. Uh, was it Jake?

   23. JDJoey Diaz16:15

       Martin Kampmann.

   24. JRJoe Rogan16:15

       Martin Kampmann was his debut?

   25. JDJoey Diaz16:16

       Mm, that's what I thought.

   26. JRJoe Rogan16:17

       There it is, okay.

   27. JDJoey Diaz16:18

       In Nashville. They fought in Nashville.

   28. Yep.

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:22

       But he fought Jake Ellenberger, too, right?

   30. JDJoey Diaz16:24

       For the fuckin' ƒ€Ű...
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   (laughs) …

   1. JDJoey Diaz30:00

      and you had to send $1.95 for shipping and handling, S&H, and then it would take six weeks to delivery. So you would just sit... You couldn't send it to your house. So I would have to send it to Rogan's house because I knew his mother and his grandmother worked all day. So they'd never be home, so they would just drop the package off in front of your house. If one of our mothers found that package, we'd be dead.

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:23

      (laughs)

   3. JDJoey Diaz30:24

      We'd be fucking dead. Can you imagine your mother putting it out-

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:27

      (laughs)

   5. JDJoey Diaz30:27

      ... and all the sudden some chick made, puts Miracle Whip on a piece of bread?... and eats into the ... fucking your dick with the-

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:32

      Don't you think moms today probably wouldn't even flinch?

   7. JDJoey Diaz30:36

      What if what?

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:37

      If they found their kid with something like that on his computer?

   9. JDJoey Diaz30:39

      Are you fucking kidding me? Every mom, they'll ... Any ... You talk to any mom of a 15-year-old-

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:45

       (laughs)

   11. JDJoey Diaz30:45

       ... and go, "Do you think your son's getting laid?" She's like, "Stop it. I don't want to hear that."

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:48

       It's true.

   13. JDJoey Diaz30:49

       No mom wants to hear their son getting laid. The first girl you brought over to the house actually bothered your mother.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:57

       Oh, I'm sure.

   15. JDJoey Diaz30:58

       The first two girls you brought home actually bothered and irritated the shit out of your mother. It took your mom a while, because you're always gonna be that little boy. "I can't imagine him getting his dick sucked."

   16. JRJoe Rogan31:10

       (laughs)

   17. JDJoey Diaz31:10

       "He just, I just put diapers on him 10 years ago."

   18. JRJoe Rogan31:13

       You know what else they worry about? They worry about you getting somebody pregnant 'cause you're so stupid. When you're 15, 16, 17, you guys are just doing stupid shit. You know? You don't really know how to pull out that good. How good are you at that? (laughs) Not very good.

   19. JDJoey Diaz31:30

       I don't-

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:30

       You know? When you were that young, I mean, it's ... your parents are worried about you doing something dumb. Your parents are worried about you getting pregnant, but they also don't want you having sex.

   21. JDJoey Diaz31:42

       I had this skinny girlfriend. Like I- I always had, uh, f- girls that were friends. And, and after the girls would leave, my mom would pull me aside and say, "What's going on?" And I'd go, "Nothing, you know, she's just a friend." And I would steam out of the house, "I can't believe it." You know, and they were friends. But there was this one skinny girl that I used to bring over in the seventh grade and my mother caught us one afternoon, like she caught us making out. So she asked me, as a man, she goes, "From now on, do me a fucking favor. If she's here and I'm downstairs, just leave the door open." My mom was one of those, Doug. She was one of those. "Just do me a favor.

   22. JRJoe Rogan32:19

       Uh-

   23. JDJoey Diaz32:19

       "Just for me to be (inaudible) . When I leave, lock the door. But if I'm here, just leave the door open." And I would leave it open a foot and then try to eight inch it, six inch it, and she would have to come up and say, "Oh, Santonio, what did I tell you?

   24. JRJoe Rogan32:34

       (laughs)

   25. JDJoey Diaz32:35

       "Leave the fucking door open." And then you, you're an animal at that age. So at that age you finally taught (murmuring) ... 'em, because all I was doing was dry humping this girl. That's all I was doing. We weren't having sex. I think I sucked her tits one time.

   26. JRJoe Rogan32:47

       (laughs)

   27. JDJoey Diaz32:48

       You know, we weren't having sex, we were just making out and dry humping. But one day I had a ... my mom had the bar stool, and she would just fucking come home in the afternoons to see if I was with this broad. And one day I didn't hear her and she brought one of her friends up with me, one of her friends with her. And I'm in there just swapping spit with the chick, but I hear something on the wall, like something's going on. But I kept dry humping her. We had Earth, Wind & Fire on-

   28. JRJoe Rogan33:16

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz33:17

       ... Can't Hide Love, great fucking album off That's The Way Of The World. I'm dry humping this chick to that. And all of a sudden I hear a ladder slip and a guy starts yelling, "Ah, ah." And I ran downstairs and it was my, one of my mother's friends, Arnardo, he used to be a bookie at my mother's bar. So my mother goes, "I gotta get to the bottom of this, I gotta know if this kid's getting laid."

   30. JRJoe Rogan33:43

       (laughs)
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   (sighs) …

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      to anything where 60% of what you're experiencing is negative. Anything. Anything in life where you're looking at 60% negative. You don't have to. Y- this is one, like, being informed is one thing, but that's more than just being informed, 'cause how much of that information is even valuable to you?

   2. JDJoey Diaz45:16

      (sighs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:16

      A lot of it is just getting soak- soaked into these fucking horrible stories. You know, I mean, I, I went down a rabbit hole the other day reading about this, uh, these, uh, Scandinavian tourists that got beheaded in Morocco, in the mountains. These girls were hitchhiking and they, they went ... It's fucking horrible. It's horrible, horrible stuff, man. And I watched a video of it. It's horrible.

   4. JDJoey Diaz45:38

      Well, Joe Rogan, you know I love you. Rule number one, don't go hitchhiking in Morocco.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:43

      Uh-

   6. JDJoey Diaz45:43

      Mind your fucking business, you know what I'm saying?

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:45

      These girls apparently did this all over the world.

   8. JDJoey Diaz45:47

      Y- y- y- you, y- yeah. You know, you talk about a guy that fucking went somewhere and tried to, uh, convert a tribe.

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:52

      Mm-hmm.

   10. JDJoey Diaz45:53

       You know, and, and, and he showed up with a fucking Bible, you know?

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       Yeah.

   12. JDJoey Diaz45:56

       Mind your business, all right? Send a fucking Bible via air mail and do the best you can. There's some people who want to put themselves in a dangerous way.

   13. JRJoe Rogan46:04

       They don't think they know, man. They might.

   14. JDJoey Diaz46:05

       I fucking hate all that shit. I fucking hate all that shit. I like controlling my situation, I really do. I l- I don't wanna sound shallow. I would love to be able to have a passport and go to China and go to Italy, but I'm not going nowhere where there's nothing fucking crazy going on. I don't need that in my life.

   15. JRJoe Rogan46:24

       Right.

   16. JDJoey Diaz46:25

       I don't wanna hear a bomb when I'm fucking sleeping when I'm in Israel.

   17. JRJoe Rogan46:28

       (laughs)

   18. JDJoey Diaz46:28

       Talked to Ari the other day. You could hear bombs going off and shit.

   19. JRJoe Rogan46:31

       (laughs)

   20. JDJoey Diaz46:32

       Fucking Ari's, like, telling me jokes on the phone. You hear (imitates snorting) and you hear a bomb going off and shit. I don't need that. I don't need none of that shit. That's putting yourself in harms way. You know, uh, uh-

   21. JRJoe Rogan46:44

       I think these-

   22. JDJoey Diaz46:44

       And I appreciate the balls. I appreciate them balls of you climbing up Mount Ninjarrow. I appreciate all that stuff, but it's not in my percentage graph. I believe in percentages, you understand me?

   23. JRJoe Rogan46:59

       Mm-hmm. I get it.

   24. JDJoey Diaz46:59

       So, uh, it's just, you know, the other night I read something. I get high at night, guys. I c- I do comedy-

   25. JRJoe Rogan47:08

       (laughs)

   26. JDJoey Diaz47:08

       ... and to come down I smoke 55 fucking bong hits. Sometimes you don't have to say a joke on Twitter. The joke is written. When you read it as a human being, you're saying, "This is a very interesting article, but at the same time, it does have elements of humor in it." There's an article of a hot chick and it says, "Mother goes to court to complain about the teacher who fucked her 15-year-old kid-

   27. JRJoe Rogan47:36

       (laughs)

   28. JDJoey Diaz47:37

       ... because his life has changed. It's never been the same since she fucked him." Sure it hasn't. The kid's never gonna get his dick sucked like that again. Can you imagine getting a teacher to blow your horn when you're in high school, one of those dirty teachers? You see the picture of it, Joe Rogan? With a fish-

   29. JRJoe Rogan47:52

       It's hot.

   30. JDJoey Diaz47:52

       ... on a boat with a bikini? Now you take this chick to the prom and she's sucking your dick, crying.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:14:56

   Wow. …

   1. JDJoey Diaz1:00:00

      TVs in your cell. Basic cable. You could be up all night. You could-

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      Wow.

   3. JDJoey Diaz1:00:05

      If you wanted to go to breakfast, you ate breakfast. If not, you could sleep through breakfast and we'd eat your breakfast for you. And then from there, they shipped me off to Department of Corrections. That's where it's the nitty-gritty. If you think black people talk in a movie theater at night, don't go there.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:23

      (laughs)

   5. JDJoey Diaz1:00:25

      (laughs) Don't go there. Black people talk all night. It's six or seven floors, and I was in there in August with fu- full humidity-

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:35

      (laughs)

   7. JDJoey Diaz1:00:35

      ... in Canon City, Colorado.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:37

      Wow.

   9. JDJoey Diaz1:00:38

      All right? With a little window, you know, and I was, like, on the third floor, I couldn't breathe. And in those days, they let you out, you took two showers a week and one hour a day you went outside.... after that, you were just in a cell by yourself. And at night, it froze. In the daytime, it was like fucking being, sweating in a, in a fucking, uh, tin can. You were in a tin can in the daytime. That was-

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:01:06

       No air conditioning.

   11. JDJoey Diaz1:01:07

       Nope. Oh, shit. (laughs) There's nothing. Two showers, and then the three meals, and then that, and then the f- the first week is good because you actually get out of your cell and go test. They test your everything, your math, your English. They fucking put a bunch of pictures in front of you. They put you through psychiatry. They take your blood out. They do everything, and then they assess you, and then they have... I took care of all the, the dots. Okay? There's a bunch of dots you have to, you have to dot your Is. Like, if you have a high school diploma, you get a point. If you were working at the time of arrest, you get a point. If you were up to r- paying rent. So I got a bunch of points for that. It's so funny how... T- to talk about something very interesting, it's very interesting where this Harvey Weinstein ca- case is gonna go. It's very interesting where it's gonna go. Right now, he has Benjamin Braf as an attorney, and if you see what happened, Benjamin Braf pushed for a dismissal and he didn't get it. The tr- the tr- the lawyer set... the judge set a, a trial date. They're gonna get a trial date. Harvey Weinstein's gonna go throw more money to pay off time. Harvey's gonna go for time, then he's gonna fire Benjamin Braf and show up with two women, primarily one Black and one Asian, or one white and one Asian. And this is when this trial's gonna get very interesting. Harvey's also gonna hire millions of dollars in prosecu- uh, in, uh, private investigators. They're gonna interview boyfriends. They're gonna interview... This case is gonna be very interesting, unlike the Cosby case, where Cosby didn't really fuck anyone.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:03:05

       How do you know he's gonna do all this stuff?

   13. JDJoey Diaz1:03:06

       Because I, I know a... this is what I would do. (laughs) I know if you come to me and you go, "I'm, I'm getting busted for this. What do I do?" I... because of m- how I grew up around those people, this is what you do. Benjamin Braf cannot ask a woman the same question a woman could ask a woman.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:03:27

       Mm-hmm.

   15. JDJoey Diaz1:03:28

       So I'm gonna go in there with either a Black woman, an Asian woman, or a white woman. My first two choices are a Black and an Asian woman.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:03:39

       You wanna get the diversity angle?

   17. JDJoey Diaz1:03:40

       I wanna get the diversity angle, and I wanna get that "You can't... you're saying that 'cause you're a Black woman, Chinese woman." What I'm trying to stare... have, did you-

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:03:48

       (laughs)

   19. JDJoey Diaz1:03:48

       ... did you ever really watch The People versus O.J. Simpson?

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:03:51

       No, I didn't.

   21. JDJoey Diaz1:03:52

       Very interesting, and it's, it's time that you sat down. The holidays, that thing going on.

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:03:57

       Is that the, uh, is that the FX version?

   23. JDJoey Diaz1:03:59

       Travolta. Yeah, the FX version.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:04:00

       Yeah, I watched one episode. It seemed very good.

   25. JDJoey Diaz1:04:02

       Very interesting how he put a dream team together.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:04:05

       How accurate is it?

   27. JDJoey Diaz1:04:05

       G, it's gonna cost you 10 mil. Listen to me, G, you got two options. You can go in there like Cosby and pay two mil and make believe you're blind, or...

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:04:14

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz1:04:15

       ... we've put together a fucking... Did, did you see him? He went in there with that milky shit over his eyes like the guy from Kung Fu. Remember when we were kids, Kung Fu's father had like-

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:04:24

       (singing)

Episode duration: 2:56:57