Joe Rogan Experience #1220 - Joey Diaz

Joe Rogan 0:00 ... just act like there is.

Joey Diaz 0:02 I assume there is.

Joe Rogan 0:03 Yeah, always assume. Woo! Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. Merry Christmas.

Joey Diaz 0:08 Happy New Year. Merry Christmas. It's fucking on, you understand me? It's Christmas Eve. You thought it was gonna be ho-hum? Fuck you. Uncle Joey, Joe Rogan here, fucking live, Christmas Eve. Talking about bugs in your house and how easy it is for the feds ...

Joe Rogan 0:24 They don't need to bug your house anymore. They just use your phone.

Joey Diaz 0:26 No. They just-

Joe Rogan 0:26 They just turn them o- Jamie, tell them, tell them what you were telling me about that, uh, the AirPods.

Jamie Vernon 0:31 Oh, yeah. There's a, there's a new setting on the, uh, (clears throat) a new, uh, in- operating system where your AirPods, you turn on this thing called Live Listen, and it, it's listening to the microphone on your iPhone. So you can leave your phone in a room, walk out, and you can ... You s- just made your own bug. But (coughs) that means that anybody that can then access your phone could probably also listen if they have access to that. I don't know how strong that really is.

Joe Rogan 0:54 But they've already said, like, if you talk to anybody that knows what's possible with electronics, they can already turn your microphone on anytime they want.

Joey Diaz 1:02 Bro, when I was a kid, I grew up in that bookmaking shit and there were certain bookmakers that wouldn't talk in a room if there was a phone in the room.

Joe Rogan 1:10 Smart ones.

Joey Diaz 1:11 In the '70s.

Joe Rogan 1:12 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:12 They would not talk, not on the phone, but if there was a phone in the room, they would leave the room.

Joe Rogan 1:18 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:19 That's how used to ... And I used to go, "These guys are super paranoid." They were 30 years ahead of their time.

Joe Rogan 1:23 Well, you remember how they got Vince in the chin. They started bugging cars along the way where he would walk. He would walk with his bathrobe like he was crazy and he would give everybody instructions. And he would do it on his walk so he couldn't get bugged anywhere. So they started bugging the cars along his walk route. That's how they got him.

Joey Diaz 1:39 And they get you at the mic?

Joe Rogan 1:41 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:42 With the bu- bu- blind- The same microphone they use in the NFL when you hear all those tackles and gr- grunts. In the old days, they had a, I don't know what it ... The parabolic mic takes vibrations from glass.

Joe Rogan 1:54 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:55 So I could just point this laser at your glass with speakers on and it'll take whatever you're saying in a room and bounce it off the glass.

Joe Rogan 2:03 I've heard it. There's a recording of it. Yeah.

Joey Diaz 2:04 This was in the fucking '80s, so by now, it's world c- class.

Joe Rogan 2:08 Yeah. They can do ... Well, they're listening to everything.

Joey Diaz 2:10 Everything.

Joe Rogan 2:10 Anything, anything and everything.

Joey Diaz 2:12 When I go in the p- bathroom on a plane, you have to assume they're watching you. Like I used to go in there and do, blast a Coke. I would always pull my pants down, (imitates flatulence) , go through the whole process like I was shitting. I wasn't really shitting. I just always thought there was a camera there.

Joe Rogan 2:28 Well, you're probably correct.

Joey Diaz 2:30 I've heard things that are just horrid about Vegas in the '80s, how they had cameras in rooms and-

Joe Rogan 2:36 Well, Vegas in the '80s was all mob runs too.

Joey Diaz 2:38 Vegas, in the bathrooms, have cameras, so as soon as you do a blast, you come out, within 10 minutes, the cops are on you.

Joe Rogan 2:45 When did they, um, when did the mob, like, officially get out of Vegas? Like what's-

Joey Diaz 2:50 The mob is still in Vegas, just-

Joe Rogan 2:52 You think so?

Joey Diaz 2:52 ... in short spurts. It's crazy. I was in New York last week-

Joe Rogan 2:56 The mob.

Joey Diaz 2:56 ... and I realized how much construction was going on. And I thought to myself, "How much of that is the mob still getting?" They had a tax for years, 2%. So if it's a $300 million job, do the math on that. You make a big chunk on that. (coughs) The construc- You know, Trump didn't get rich because the construction business is huge. And you go to New York n- You know, uh ... I don't, I can't give you accurate numbers, 'cause I don't know what the numbers are. But look what the average is for a square foot of concrete in New York and look what the average is in Iowa.

Joe Rogan 3:33 I was reading something about that.

Joey Diaz 3:35 The square foot of con- t- to build a building in New York-

Joe Rogan 3:38 It's insane.

Joey Diaz 3:39 ... the concrete is fucking insane, because-

Joe Rogan 3:41 So much money.

Joey Diaz 3:41 ... so many hands are getting fucking greased. You know, you don't pay a job. Okay? So, so you don't pay. It's like that one episode of The Sopranos. "So what I do is break your balls. You're a GC, you don't want to pay me my money. That's fine. I send somebody from the union down there. And instead of me doing this, 'Come on through,' I gotta stop you. I gotta take your book, I gotta call the union to see if you paid up with your dues. We check your tire pressure. We count the load. Let's count the windows on the truck. Pretty soon, you got 30 trucks backed up and you're not making any money." That's how they'd shake you down. That's the shakedown.

Joe Rogan 4:19 Mm.

Joey Diaz 4:19 "Oh, you paying me? Okay. The trucks go through. Don't worry what, what's on them. We don't care who the driver is. We don't care if he's union or non-union." It's such a dirty business at that level. That's the shakedown.

Joe Rogan 4:32 Mm.

Joey Diaz 4:32 So Trump would be the GC on the job. You pay, your job runs smooth. You don't pay ... So 2% of it went to the mob as concrete tax. Then they had, like, another 2% right off the top to bid rid- bid rig.

Joe Rogan 4:47 Bid rig?

Joey Diaz 4:48 Bid rigging, where we take J- we give it to Joe Rogan no matter what the price is. We inflate the price. Even though Jamie comes in $3 million cheaper, I'm gonna give Joe Rogan that three and two more. Joe Rogan's gonna kick that two to me and we're gonna do the job at that $3 million profit plus I'm gonna take 2% off the top of that $3 million profit.

Joe Rogan 5:12 You know what I noticed when I was a kid when I was working construction? One of the first things I noticed. It's one of the wei- weird businesses that's run almost exclusively by men, like manly men. Like the construction guys were burly dudes with big fucking hands. They worked hard and they were like ... These were like rough guys, but they were running a big business. It's like all these other businesses, if you think about businesses, you think about, like, computers. You don't think about, like, rugged, burly guys. But computers and construction are just as common. Like everybody needs a computer, everybody needs a house. Like construction's everywhere. It's a gigantic business and it's run (laughs) at least in, back in Boston when I was working as a laborer, it was run by these big savages. They're fucking big dangerous guys.

Joey Diaz 6:04 But it's gotten more diverse now because the unions have made you hire more women.

Joe Rogan 6:08 Mm.

Joey Diaz 6:09 When I was an electrician, like-Three months in, there was a female supervisor who knew her shit.

Joe Rogan 6:16 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 6:16 Her dad, you know-

Joe Rogan 6:17 Right.

Joey Diaz 6:18 ... her dad was an electrician, and when she was a kid, that was the fucking day job. And men had a tough time working for her. I clicked with her, she was easy. She would leave me the fuck alone.

Joe Rogan 6:30 Well, sometimes men can't... They just have a real hard time with a woman telling them what to do.

Joey Diaz 6:33 Yeah, they would have a hard time. Me, I didn't, I didn't mind it at all. I didn't give a fuck, I liked her.

Joe Rogan 6:37 If someone's great at their job, they're great at their job.

Joey Diaz 6:40 They're great at their job.

Joe Rogan 6:41 You just gotta-

Joey Diaz 6:41 I don't give a fuck what their gender is-

Joe Rogan 6:43 Yeah. That's a-

Joey Diaz 6:43 ... or what-

Joe Rogan 6:43 ... weird thing that a lot of guys have, right?

Joey Diaz 6:46 You know, female trainers-

Joe Rogan 6:47 For good reason or for bad.

Joey Diaz 6:48 ... female trainers.

Joe Rogan 6:49 Yeah, yeah.

Joey Diaz 6:50 A lot of people won't go for that, you know?

Joe Rogan 6:51 You know who's got a female trainer? Yoel Romero. One of the (laughs) best motherfuckers of all time.

Joey Diaz 6:57 What is she training with?

Joe Rogan 6:58 I don't know, man. It's f- strength and conditioning. She was strength and conditioning training him in this, uh, video I was watching. Busting his ass.

Joey Diaz 7:04 Well, even like, uh-

Joe Rogan 7:05 That guy's super savage, you know?

Joey Diaz 7:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:07 And make sure I'm right about that. Make sure I'm right about that. 'Cause if it's not Yoel, it's someone equally savage. Someone who's just a fucking (laughs) super alpha. I mean, no one's a super alpha like Yoel. When we had him in the podcast, I was looking at (laughs) him sitting there. I was like, "This guy is built... It's not even a real person."

Joey Diaz 7:24 It took me 12 hours-

Joe Rogan 7:25 He's so jacked.

Joey Diaz 7:25 ... to get over him. I remember that night, we both had spots at the store. (slaps) And I pulled you aside and I go-

Joe Rogan 7:31 Oh.

Joey Diaz 7:31 ... "What do you really think?"

Joe Rogan 7:32 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 7:33 "What do you really think? I mean, is this guy-"

Joe Rogan 7:36 Oh, my God.

Joey Diaz 7:36 "... shooting D-ball or is this something that just-"

Joe Rogan 7:38 I think it's genetics.

Joey Diaz 7:39 "... is just something, you know?"

Joe Rogan 7:41 I think he has super freak genetics.

Joey Diaz 7:42 Well, when we went to eat at... I went to New York last week, I purposely went to La Sorrentina. It's a restaurant in North Bergene run by this dude named Jocko. Jesus Christ, his spaghetti with the tiny meatballs, I couldn't even finish it. But one of his waiters was a wrestler.

Joe Rogan 7:58 Oh.

Joey Diaz 7:58 Came over in a ref, listened to the podcast, and he was saying how he wasn't that good. He was on the bottom floor. He ate the scraps.

Joe Rogan 8:07 Ah.

Joey Diaz 8:08 And he... But he goes, "Yeah, I know Yoel from back there just last week."

Joe Rogan 8:12 Think about the other super athletes that have come out of Cuba that have gotten into MMA and boxing. Okay. Hector Lombard, dude. A lot of people, they might look at Hector Lombard because of some of his tough fights that he had in the UFC later in his career, but if you go back and watch Hector Lombard when he was running shit in Bellator, those were probably his prime years. He was the champion at Bellator. I mean, fucking smashing people, smashing people at 185 pounds. And then he came over to the UFC, he fought 185, but there's a big ass 185s in the UFC, man. I mean, Hector is... What do you think he's, five, nine?

Joey Diaz 8:53 Six.

Joe Rogan 8:53 Really? No.

Joey Diaz 8:54 No, he's not that small.

Joe Rogan 8:55 No. I think he's-

Joey Diaz 8:57 He looks smaller.

Joe Rogan 8:57 I think he's either my height or... I'm 5'8", he's either my height or he's an inch taller. But he's just so jacked. (laughs) When he was, when he was smashing people, like, early in his career, man, I always wanted to get him in the UFC. I was like, "This guy needs to come over." He's, he's so athletic, man. He would sw- And he's a judo player. I mean, look how (laughs) fucking jacked Hector is. He's a, you know... He was a judo pa- player for Cuba. But I'm telling you, man, d- you could take all the steroids in the world, you're not gonna move like this guy moves. Josh Lumbar, uh, uh, Josh Barnett, rather, told me that, uh, Hector Lombard, when he went to the gym, could just do muscle up after muscle up. He never even trained it before. His height, Jamie will tell you, it's fucking hard to do a muscle up. He just grabs that bar, "Ah, ah, ah." He's a super athlete. He's just had a lot of really, really rough fights against the best fighters in the world. And I, I really think that some of his best fights... You could say, like, maybe he was tested more, and I think he certainly was tested more here in, uh, the UFC than he was in Bellator. Certainly, the caliber of competition is f- far greater. But I also think, you know, fighters have, like, a window of opportunity for the most part, for most of them. There's exceptions where they can extend that window, but that window, the, the, the experts seem to think the window's around nine years. This is not a number that I invented.

Joey Diaz 10:19 I don't think so.

Joe Rogan 10:20 But I, it's a number that I agree with. In terms of, like, the best you have, you might be able to do it for nine years.

Joey Diaz 10:25 Okay.

Joe Rogan 10:25 Like Fedor.

Joey Diaz 10:26 The, the, the longevity of an NFL running back is three and a half years, which blew my mind.

Joe Rogan 10:32 That's crazy.

Joey Diaz 10:32 That blew my mind. Then I started thinking about it. I thought about all the greats, I thought about Earl Campbell, Jim Brown.

Joe Rogan 10:40 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 10:40 I thought about those guys, I thought about their injuries, how lucky you have to be. Okay, now the UFC is a fighter, how many people actually did fight in the UFC for nine years straight so far? A lot.

Joe Rogan 10:54 There's been quite a few.

Joey Diaz 10:55 A lot. But at the same time, there's been a lot of guys that have had great potential, and by the fourth or fifth fight, they've moved on.

Joe Rogan 11:06 Well, (sighs) you know, everybody's different. This is, this is the thing, everybody's different in terms of their ability to recuperate, everybody's different in terms of their style. Like, some guys just don't take much damage, you know? Some, like Ben Askren, perfect example. He never fought in the UFC, but when you watch him fight in, uh, these other organizations, the thing that's most interesting is that he doesn't take any damage. You could say he's boring if you want to. I just, I don't think it's boring, I think it's super high level wrestling. And you need to see w- how that shit would fly against the best in the world. I mean, that's why he's here now. I'm very excited about this, but he's a, a perfect example of, like, he doesn't have any problems. That guy's been fighting for a long time. You talk to him, he's as lucid as they come. He's articulate, he's very smart, very well educated, reads books all the time. He, he'll send me recommendations for books. Very, very interesting guy. So, you got those guys who, like, he could do it for a long fucking time 'cause he's not taking a beating. When you start taking a beating, man, (sharp inhale) ooh, you know, some guy, sometimes guys try to get back in there too

Joe Rogan 12:06 soon and they're still hurting, you know, from, from a fight, like, a really bad knockout.... or, uh, just sometimes even just getting beaten up is wor- you know, like, even if you don't get stopped, like, you incur more damage that way, you know, for a ... in a long-ass fight than you would in a quick KO. You know? Like, um, in Glory, you know Joseph Valtelline? Do you real- know who that guy is?

Joey Diaz 12:28 Yes, I know the name.

Joe Rogan 12:29 Bazooka Joe? He was their champion and he won the title against Mark De Mont. After the fight, he couldn't fight again 'cause his concussions were so bad. He couldn't look at, uh, the light from, uh, an iPhone charger. Like, a, a, a laptop charger, that li- little light from that thing would, would be blinding to him. He had to be, like, in a dark room for three weeks. CBD oil brought him out of it.

Joey Diaz 12:50 When I think of fighters and what happens during a fight, I go back all the way to Bernard Hopkins against Felix Trinidad because you brought it up to my attention. I never even knew about that world.

Joe Rogan 13:03 Ooh.

Joey Diaz 13:04 He never came back the same fighter.

Joe Rogan 13:05 Never was the same.

Joey Diaz 13:07 Uh, who's the guy that went the distance that's now in Bellator? Fights out of, uh, GSP's camp. Really tough guy and went five rounds with fucking what's his name and, and, and... Rory McDonald.

Joe Rogan 13:23 Rory, yes.

Joey Diaz 13:23 Rory, after that fight that he had, he was never really the same type of-

Joe Rogan 13:27 The Robbie Lawler fight?

Joey Diaz 13:28 ... fighter that Robbie Lawler fight. Fights affect you in different ways. The beating you take affects you in different ways. I wanna see what the kid that Edson Barboza fights with next time, how he comes out. He took a ferocious beating against Ed- Edgar, Edson-

Joe Rogan 13:45 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 13:46 ... that last fight before Al Iaquinta and Kevin Lee.

Joe Rogan 13:49 See, but Rory, I gotta disagree because after that fight, he looked fucking phenomenal in Bellator. In his first f- who was his first fight in Ben- Bellator? Was it Paul Daley? He, he fought, um-

Joey Diaz 14:01 But then the next fight, he didn't do well.

Joe Rogan 14:02 Lima's a beast, though, dude.

Joey Diaz 14:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:04 He fought Lima.

Joey Diaz 14:05 Lima's a beast. Lima made him look too good.

Joe Rogan 14:06 Lima's a monster, man. Douglas Lima is a fucking straight-up killer.

Joey Diaz 14:09 You know, and in comedy, sometimes-

Joe Rogan 14:11 Was it Paul Daley? Yeah.

Joey Diaz 14:12 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:12 So he manhandled Paul Daly.

Joey Diaz 14:14 Right.

Joe Rogan 14:14 It was a very smart fight because he fought really well on his feet first, threatened Daly a little bit on his feet, and then took him down and dominated him on the ground. And it was, uh, it was a, it was a very impressive win. But then he fought... See, fighting Mousasi, I think, was probably not the w- but, you know, you never know. You know, you gotta test yourself and there's only one way to do that, and he knows better than anybody. I mean, the guy's in it to test himself. Now he knows that he can't beat Mousasi, at least at this point in his life. Yeah, but he's a smart kid, man. He's, he's an animal, too. I mean, that guy is so focused.

Joey Diaz 14:45 No, I'm not saying anything. I just thought that a lot of times after battles, people don't come back the same.

Joe Rogan 14:52 I agree on some of them, but I don't th-

Joey Diaz 14:54 Uh, the guy from-

Joe Rogan 14:54 ... I don't agree with him.

Joey Diaz 14:55 The guy, the guy from Texas that took GSP to the fucking zoo and fought him all the way to the end.

Joe Rogan 15:01 Johnny Hendricks.

Joey Diaz 15:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:01 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 15:01 He never came... You know, some people give it all you got.

Joe Rogan 15:04 Yep.

Joey Diaz 15:05 That give it all you got moment.

Joe Rogan 15:06 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 15:06 It's how they react after that. Uh, what's gonna happen... How is Kevin Lee gonna come back-

Joe Rogan 15:12 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 15:13 ... against Iaquinta? You always have those questions, which is a great fight, by the way.

Joe Rogan 15:17 Amazing fight.

Joey Diaz 15:17 You know, the, the fight I was most excited about this weekend was Michael Chiesa, Carlos Conduit.

Joe Rogan 15:24 Hmm. Right, it's a good fight.

Joey Diaz 15:25 Let's see what Carlos Conduit ... You know, Carlos Conduit been around for a long fucking time.

Joe Rogan 15:29 (laughs) His name is Condit, but... (laughs)

Joey Diaz 15:31 Condit. He knows I'm his brother and I'm one of his biggest fans. And if I was in the mafia, I'd hire him from the UFC a long time ago 'cause he's an assassin.

Joe Rogan 15:40 He's like a realized John Wick.

Joey Diaz 15:41 He really is. You just give him a, you just give him a gun with a silencer-

Joe Rogan 15:44 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 15:45 ... and a pencil and let him do the rest. Go down there and you could switch his mind quick with $600,000 a week.

Joe Rogan 15:50 I wanna say that his, uh, UFC... Was it his debut against Brock Larson? Was that, was that his debut or was it, was that in the WEC? I feel like that was in the WEC. I feel like his debut was against, um... Shit. Uh, was it Jake?

Joey Diaz 16:15 Martin Kampmann.

Joe Rogan 16:15 Martin Kampmann was his debut?

Joey Diaz 16:16 Mm, that's what I thought.

Joe Rogan 16:17 There it is, okay.

Joey Diaz 16:18 In Nashville. They fought in Nashville.

16:22 Yep.

Joe Rogan 16:22 But he fought Jake Ellenberger, too, right?

Joey Diaz 16:24 For the fuckin' ƒ€Ű...

Joe Rogan 16:24 Jake Ellenberger. Was that... Oh, that was Jake Ellenberger's first fight in the UFC.

Joey Diaz 16:28 Next fight. Yeah, I think so.

Joe Rogan 16:29 Yeah. Dude, Jake Ellenberger was another one, man. Super fucking dangerous for a long time, man. You ever see before he fought in the UFC when he knocked out Pele with one punch? (groans)

Joey Diaz 16:37 Let me tell you something. He caught a beating in my office about three weeks ago. He came into my office and he's the nicest guy in the world.

Joe Rogan 16:44 I heard you g- I heard you dosed him up. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 16:46 Jake Ellenberger. I gave him a bong hit of this shit that was 31%. He couldn't answer questions.

Joe Rogan 16:51 Oh, no. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 16:52 Dog, it was like fucking... He's the best.

Joe Rogan 16:55 No.

Joey Diaz 16:55 The poor bastard, he c- didn't know how to drive home.

Joe Rogan 16:58 Yeah, folks.

Joey Diaz 16:58 He Ubered home. Nada was not around. Rocca was not around.

Joe Rogan 17:03 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 17:03 It would have broke their system for a week. If you think Brock Lesnar's system disappeared in the fucking system, whatever? Oh my God.

Joe Rogan 17:10 Whoo.

Joey Diaz 17:10 Poor Jake Ellenberger. We took him deep, dude.

Joe Rogan 17:12 I haven't seen it, but I've heard.

Joey Diaz 17:14 He told me, he goes, "You know, I don't smoke much." I go, "Then do a little bong hit." (imitates splashing) And I asked him a question after that, he was just frustrated. I love him to death. He's coming back on to redeem himself and said he's never smoking again.

Joe Rogan 17:26 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 17:26 But that was his toughest battle.

Joe Rogan 17:28 Yeah, you can't... That's too much. Most people can't.

Joey Diaz 17:31 And that's a two- that's a three-foot bong.

Joe Rogan 17:33 Well, not only that, Joey, for most people that don't do podcasts all the time, getting on your podcast is a mind fuck. They're like, "I can't believe I'm here. I'm sitting here with Uncle Joey. Holy shit." And then boom, that 30 how many percent?

Joey Diaz 17:47 31.

Joe Rogan 17:47 That's so high. This is-

Joey Diaz 17:49 That was Alien OG.

Joe Rogan 17:51 This is in, in... Just as a, uh, for people that don't know the numbers, let's find out what the numbers actually are. Like, what was per- what percentage THC was marijuana in the 1970s? I wanna say it was, like, eight to ten.

Joey Diaz 18:08 Probably. And then we-

Joe Rogan 18:09 I'm just guessing, right?

Joey Diaz 18:10 It's so funny how... Okay.

Joe Rogan 18:12 Let's find out what that is.

Joey Diaz 18:12 I, I grew up in, I grew up in New York, New Jersey. So I would go to Harlem-And what we had available to us was, uh, Panama Red, Colombian Gold. I could be verse of verse... I could be wrong on the names. And then you had, from Jamaica, you had this weed called lamb's bread. And then all of a sudden in the '80s, this green weed came along, and they called it sinsemilla. So I was copping 148th Street then, and he would either sell you Chocolate Thai, which is lamb's bread, or he would sell you sinsemilla, or, or he would put them together and call it the master mix.

Joe Rogan 18:50 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 18:50 And, and if you bought 10 bags of the master mix, you got one for free. He gave you a punch card.

Joe Rogan 18:55 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 18:55 This is why Narcos: Mex-

Joe Rogan 18:57 He gave you a real punch card?

Joey Diaz 18:58 Yeah. In 19 fucking 82, 83.

Joe Rogan 19:01 That's hilarious.

Joey Diaz 19:02 The guy was in the middle of the corner, hanging out. And the funny thing was, I went back in '85 and he looked me straight in the face and he's like, "There ain't no motherfucking weed on this block no more, dog. Crack." Like, it had just converted to crack. But this is why watching... I told you that watching that Narcos: Mexico, those first two episodes are so important because it's like, it's like sometimes when you watch a TV show, it's really hard to believe that one day some Spanish guy that couldn't even speak English said, "Hey, how come there's not three cameras here?" His name was fucking Luc... Desi Arnaz. Desi Arnaz invented the three, three-camera shoot. Did you know that?

Joe Rogan 19:39 That's hilarious.

Joey Diaz 19:40 That Desilu Productions, all that shit. It's, it's-

Joe Rogan 19:42 He invented that?

Joey Diaz 19:43 He's the one that said, "Why is it two... eight white people sitting around? Get two more cameras. Let's go. Andale."

Joe Rogan 19:50 Oh.

Joey Diaz 19:51 The guy that... Uh, the principal guy in Narcos this year is a character who grew weed in the desert. I want you to think about that. It had never been even thought of before. But by doing that, I don't know the science, so please, Joe Rogan people, don't torture me. He eliminated the male plant to make the female stronger. The only way you could grow that is in the desert. So he found water in the desert.

Joe Rogan 20:16 Why is it the only way you can go grow it in the desert? Something about the, uh, climate?

Joey Diaz 20:21 Uh, the... To, to, to ref- so that... It's like the Immaculate Conception.

Joe Rogan 20:26 Whoa.

Joey Diaz 20:26 You get pregnant without getting pregnant, so you eliminate the male plant or something. I do not know this.

Joe Rogan 20:31 We gotta hide this information from women.

Joey Diaz 20:32 You have to watch it.

Jamie Vernon 20:34 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 20:34 And, and-

Joe Rogan 20:34 Right? We have to hide this information from women.

Joey Diaz 20:36 So there's no seeds-

Joe Rogan 20:38 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 20:38 ... and the reefer gets stronger. That started in the '80s. That's why if you watch Narcos: Mexico, it shows you how that whole thing started.

Joe Rogan 20:48 Oh.

Joey Diaz 20:48 And they were pumping 15 metric tons a year into the United States with this shit.

Joe Rogan 20:52 Wow.

Joey Diaz 20:52 So green weed became... The Mexican green weed was what we started smoking. I gotta say, that average was maybe 15 then, like the strongest. And then there's weeds now that I buy that are 21% and that, they take me to the fucking mountain. But that 28 and above in a bong, you're doomed.

Joe Rogan 21:13 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 21:14 You're stuttering, you're mumbling, you fucking can't focus. I like that feeling at night when I listen to music. I'm a big mus-... Like, one night I called you. Like, it was like October 3rd, and I was going to call you to tell you that I'd love to participate in Sober October, but because of my love for music, it's not gonna happen. 'Cause my thing is to go home at night, or sometimes I go to the office. Like I told you, my house is dead at 20 to 9. The kid goes to bed at fucking 8:30, and my wife's in bed 10 minutes later. So some nights I don't have a spot, I don't have a podcast, I just go to my office. I bring a notebook or an iPad and I get stoned, and I put an old album on and I go down an album road, and I just get fucked up and listen to that music. I love it, Joe Rogan. That's my hobby. And once a week I go to the album store and I buy a new album, a new vinyl album. Lately, I went down that Led Zeppelin II road. That's one of the greatest, dirtiest-

Joe Rogan 22:13 (sighs)

Joey Diaz 22:13 ... filthiest albums. And it opens up with Whole Lotta Love. (inhales) It's just dirty. And then the Lemon Song, and then Heartbreaker. It's just dirty.

Joe Rogan 22:26 Damn.

Joey Diaz 22:26 And then I've been listening to fucking Physical Graffiti. I love going into those foxholes late at night stoned to the gills.

Joe Rogan 22:36 Yeah, there's something about that music. They, they were the first drug culture music in America, right? If you think about it. Like Zeppelin and-

Joey Diaz 22:47 Well, the Beatles showed up clean.

Joe Rogan 22:49 ... Pink Floyd, the Beatles. Right.

Joey Diaz 22:49 Then they went to India and they grew long hair and they came back with those four albums. Then there was rumors of acid. If you listen to the, you know, the one Re-... I think it's Revolver, one of those. John Lennon spreads acid-

Joe Rogan 23:04 Right.

Joey Diaz 23:04 ... blah, blah, blah, blah. And then that was it after that.

Joe Rogan 23:05 I mean, there's a, there's a lot of musicians from that era that are great that aren't associated with drugs. But if you think of Hendrix, if you think of... I mean, Hendrix was always associated with drugs, right?

Joey Diaz 23:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:15 Janis Joplin, always associated with drugs. You know, good or bad, it's, it's very interesting. It's very interesting how the sound is so... It lasts. Like, it's so relevant. If you listen to some Zeppelin today, it's still so goddamn good. They were so good.

Joey Diaz 23:35 So good.

Joe Rogan 23:36 They were so good.

Joey Diaz 23:37 There's a song on Zeppelin II called Bring It On Home at the end. He comes out, like, with a harmonica slow, then Jimmy Page kicks in with the guitar. Your heart stops.

Joe Rogan 23:47 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 23:48 Like, your heart stops. Like, you're like, "Should... Do I jump out a window?" Like, Led Zeppelin II, there's a couple albums I got in that office that I put on that are such a part of my childhood. Like, I think about my mom coming in the room saying, yelling, "Lower that fucking devil music."

Joe Rogan 24:05 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 24:05 You know what I'm saying? Like, "Baja esa musica, cojones."

Joe Rogan 24:08 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 24:08 And I would blast it at fucking 6:00 in the morning.

Joe Rogan 24:12 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 24:13 The neighbors next door were Jehovah Witnesses.

Joe Rogan 24:16 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 24:16 And he would knock on my door, "You have to please lower your music." I would... I never lowered, lowered it. At that age, I had a Fisher stereo.Okay? And I already knew not to get components. Like, I was already hip. Like, I never bought the album with the eight-track and the cassette. Fuck you. I bought an amp, and I bought an, uh, a cassette deck, and I had a turntable. And I would fucking blast it. (hands clap)

Joe Rogan 24:42 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 24:42 I don't know where I got the speakers from. I bought 'em, they fell off a truck. I loved music loud. My, my, I still r- every time, till this day, every time Led Zeppelin's final album comes out, um, you know, In Through the Out Door comes on the radio or something, I think of my mother banging on the door freshman year going, "If, if I got a knock on this door one more time, I'm throwing that stereo out the window." Like, 7:00 in the morning, I had it at full fucking speed.

Joe Rogan 25:11 (laughs) Did you ever-

Joey Diaz 25:12 Rolling a joint, getting ready to walk up the hill, smoking a joint. I wouldn't smoke at the house, not like that. She had no idea.

Joe Rogan 25:19 Were you playing album-to-albums with a, with a record player?

Joey Diaz 25:22 Yeah. Fuck it, I still do it.

Joe Rogan 25:26 Did you have a good needle? Did you have a good needle? Remember you would go over to dudes' houses, they had a special needle? Where'd you get that needle? (laughs)

Joey Diaz 25:32 I had a good needle. I just went and got new needles. I, I had to order 'em online.

Joe Rogan 25:35 (laughs) Do you remember that though?

Joey Diaz 25:36 Because, fuck yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:37 Like, you'd be impressed if a guy had like a fucking cool-looking needle?

Joey Diaz 25:41 I still had a, I had a friend-

Joe Rogan 25:42 Remember?

Joey Diaz 25:42 ... that had a reel-to-reel. I thought he was god.

Joe Rogan 25:43 Jimmy, do you actually remember this?

Jamie Vernon 25:45 Yeah, I mean, I, (clears throat) I had a record player at my house, for sure.

Joe Rogan 25:48 Wow. You had a reel-to-reel?

Joey Diaz 25:50 A friend of mine had a reel-to-reel in high school.

Joe Rogan 25:52 Oh my God.

Joey Diaz 25:53 And the sound. He bought the speakers and everything. And the sound, you could hear like the, the musician pulling away from the microphone, like the sound was that good.

Joe Rogan 26:04 So when... So when he's playing this reel-to-reel, he's got like a, like a projector screen type deal? He puts the sound through it?

Joey Diaz 26:09 No, he was hav- he had a room like this, and, uh, he had a shelf, and on the shelf he had speakers, and he had a reel-to-reel. And-

Joe Rogan 26:17 I think I've seen that for forever.

Joey Diaz 26:19 And it would, he would connect it, and it would have two or three hours of music on it. So whenever he would have a party, he would just put on the reel-to-reel.

Joe Rogan 26:27 Wow.

Joey Diaz 26:28 At that time, that was the threat. That it's going to reel-to-reel.

Joe Rogan 26:31 What does that look like? That's what I'm talking about.

Joey Diaz 26:32 That's what it looked like.

Joe Rogan 26:33 It looks like a projector, right?

Joey Diaz 26:34 It's going to reel-to-reel.

Joe Rogan 26:35 Fuck.

Joey Diaz 26:35 That's the new threat.

Joe Rogan 26:37 That's crazy.

Joey Diaz 26:37 That never made it. It, then it went from, it went from albums to cassettes to fucking CDs.

Joe Rogan 26:46 So if you put something through that, you would have to kind of, like, do it like you were working in a projection room? You take the-

Jamie Vernon 26:52 Yeah, it's just magnetic tape.

Joey Diaz 26:52 ... film from one of 'em, and you-

Jamie Vernon 26:53 It, it works almost... It's, he's just really large cassette tape player.

Joe Rogan 26:57 Okay.

Joey Diaz 26:57 I just forget how you put the music on there. I forget how he put the music on there.

Joe Rogan 27:01 Could you buy music on it?

Joey Diaz 27:03 I think so at that time.

Jamie Vernon 27:03 There's a record button on this too, it looks like. So you could have recorded something on there if you had a cable to, to plug it into it.

Joey Diaz 27:08 Yeah, I forget how he did it.

Joe Rogan 27:10 How would they make copies?

Jamie Vernon 27:12 Uh, the same way you'd put... Your original would be like on the left.

Joe Rogan 27:16 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Vernon 27:16 You'd have to feed it... You'd, you'd need a copier. You couldn't do it with this machine probably.

Joe Rogan 27:20 But back-

Jamie Vernon 27:21 The same way people did with VCR copies back in the early '80s, you know.

Joe Rogan 27:24 Oh, right.

Jamie Vernon 27:24 You'd tape, tape-to-tape, you'd fucking-

Joe Rogan 27:25 Is it the same thing how it would degrade?

Jamie Vernon 27:28 Pro- yeah, for sure, for sure, yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:28 Like, with each generation? You ever used... You get porns from your friend (laughs) , and it was like, like someone threw mud in your eye while you're trying to watch it.

Joey Diaz 27:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:35 What the fuck is happening on the screen 'cause it was so many generations of copied?

Joey Diaz 27:39 Do you remember when porn was watched like this?

Joe Rogan 27:42 I don't remember it, but I heard about it. And I remember, um, that movie about the dude from Hogan's Heroes that was a, uh, he, he was on Hogan's Heroes and after Hogan's Heroes, he just went around making his own homemade porn. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 27:58 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:58 And he, you know, he had one of these kind of things, one of the home projector type deals.

Jamie Vernon 28:02 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 28:02 Porn came, porn, in those days, if you went to the back of a dirty magazine, not Playboy and not Penthouse, but anything else, they would s- actually send you a projector with three movies for, say, 14.95. It was a low-end projector, probably gonna work ten times, but at least you got to watch porn. And they'd send you a reel-to-reel that was so bad. Porn was so bad. And I still remember a story with me and my friends chipping in and getting the, the fucking reel-to-reel with the thing and plugging it into the wall and putting sheets on the windows. And it was just horrible, horrible porn. Like chicks they would find off the streets, flapjack titties, somebody turned cigarettes off on their chest.

Joe Rogan 29:00 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 29:01 And this chick was half on drugs and she had to suck the guy's dick. And the most vivid picture I remember is when she took the mayonnaise with the bread. Like, the, the... She was sucking this guy's dick, the guy's dick had been beat up. And she took mayonnaise, Miracle Whip, that's why I never liked Miracle Whip, she put it on the bread and made a dick sandwich and bit into his dick.

Joe Rogan 29:23 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 29:23 And it was like me and three other 12-year-olds, dawg.

Joe Rogan 29:27 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 29:27 We almost had a heart attack.

Joe Rogan 29:29 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 29:29 Do you understand me? Like, our heads blew up.

Joe Rogan 29:31 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 29:31 Like, "Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Turn it off. Who wants this fucking projector?"

Jamie Vernon 29:37 Like that? (laughs)

Joey Diaz 29:37 No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a cheap, cheap, cheap little projector. You had to put a sheet up on the wall and use it as a screen. You had to fucking shade up all your windows in the attic, 'cause I used to do it in my attic 'cause my mother wasn't home. So I would ha- the first viewing party we had was in my attic. You had to send a money order, and you had to send $1.95 for shipping and handling, S&H, and then it would take six weeks to delivery. So you would just sit... You couldn't send it to your house. So I would have to send it to Rogan's house because I knew his mother and his grandmother worked all day. So they'd never be home, so they would just drop the package off in front of your house. If one of our mothers found that package, we'd be dead.

Joe Rogan 30:23 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 30:24 We'd be fucking dead. Can you imagine your mother putting it out-

Joe Rogan 30:27 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 30:27 ... and all the sudden some chick made, puts Miracle Whip on a piece of bread?... and eats into the ... fucking your dick with the-

Joe Rogan 30:32 Don't you think moms today probably wouldn't even flinch?

Joey Diaz 30:36 What if what?

Joe Rogan 30:37 If they found their kid with something like that on his computer?

Joey Diaz 30:39 Are you fucking kidding me? Every mom, they'll ... Any ... You talk to any mom of a 15-year-old-

Joe Rogan 30:45 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 30:45 ... and go, "Do you think your son's getting laid?" She's like, "Stop it. I don't want to hear that."

Joe Rogan 30:48 It's true.

Joey Diaz 30:49 No mom wants to hear their son getting laid. The first girl you brought over to the house actually bothered your mother.

Joe Rogan 30:57 Oh, I'm sure.

Joey Diaz 30:58 The first two girls you brought home actually bothered and irritated the shit out of your mother. It took your mom a while, because you're always gonna be that little boy. "I can't imagine him getting his dick sucked."

Joe Rogan 31:10 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 31:10 "He just, I just put diapers on him 10 years ago."

Joe Rogan 31:13 You know what else they worry about? They worry about you getting somebody pregnant 'cause you're so stupid. When you're 15, 16, 17, you guys are just doing stupid shit. You know? You don't really know how to pull out that good. How good are you at that? (laughs) Not very good.

Joey Diaz 31:30 I don't-

Joe Rogan 31:30 You know? When you were that young, I mean, it's ... your parents are worried about you doing something dumb. Your parents are worried about you getting pregnant, but they also don't want you having sex.

Joey Diaz 31:42 I had this skinny girlfriend. Like I- I always had, uh, f- girls that were friends. And, and after the girls would leave, my mom would pull me aside and say, "What's going on?" And I'd go, "Nothing, you know, she's just a friend." And I would steam out of the house, "I can't believe it." You know, and they were friends. But there was this one skinny girl that I used to bring over in the seventh grade and my mother caught us one afternoon, like she caught us making out. So she asked me, as a man, she goes, "From now on, do me a fucking favor. If she's here and I'm downstairs, just leave the door open." My mom was one of those, Doug. She was one of those. "Just do me a favor.

Joe Rogan 32:19 Uh-

Joey Diaz 32:19 "Just for me to be (inaudible) . When I leave, lock the door. But if I'm here, just leave the door open." And I would leave it open a foot and then try to eight inch it, six inch it, and she would have to come up and say, "Oh, Santonio, what did I tell you?

Joe Rogan 32:34 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 32:35 "Leave the fucking door open." And then you, you're an animal at that age. So at that age you finally taught (murmuring) ... 'em, because all I was doing was dry humping this girl. That's all I was doing. We weren't having sex. I think I sucked her tits one time.

Joe Rogan 32:47 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 32:48 You know, we weren't having sex, we were just making out and dry humping. But one day I had a ... my mom had the bar stool, and she would just fucking come home in the afternoons to see if I was with this broad. And one day I didn't hear her and she brought one of her friends up with me, one of her friends with her. And I'm in there just swapping spit with the chick, but I hear something on the wall, like something's going on. But I kept dry humping her. We had Earth, Wind & Fire on-

Joe Rogan 33:16 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 33:17 ... Can't Hide Love, great fucking album off That's The Way Of The World. I'm dry humping this chick to that. And all of a sudden I hear a ladder slip and a guy starts yelling, "Ah, ah." And I ran downstairs and it was my, one of my mother's friends, Arnardo, he used to be a bookie at my mother's bar. So my mother goes, "I gotta get to the bottom of this, I gotta know if this kid's getting laid."

Joe Rogan 33:43 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 33:43 So he volunteers to put the ladder-

Joe Rogan 33:45 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 33:45 ... at the side (laughs) of the house-

Joe Rogan 33:47 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 33:48 ... to see if I'm getting laid, to look in the window.

Joe Rogan 33:50 Oh my God.

Joey Diaz 33:51 I had an air conditioner with a curtain, he could never see in anyway. But this girl pissed off my mom for years. This went on for about a year. And then I started taking his shirt off and sucking her tits. And my dad came home one day and caught him in the closet.

Joe Rogan 34:09 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 34:10 And that was the end. And then my mom would give me shit for a little wh- ... I gotta be 12, 13, I'm in the sixth grade. Me and this girl would watch The Osmonds on Friday and Saturday-

Joe Rogan 34:21 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 34:21 ... Donny and Marie, and I would get pissed off 'cause she had a crush on fucking Donny.

Joe Rogan 34:26 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 34:26 You know, you know, you're a kid. And then one day ... But then we figured out, "Fuck, if they're gonna watch us after 3:00, why don't we play hooky from 12:00 to 3:00? We could dry hump for three hours and nobody would know. Your grandmother works, my mother's definitely not coming home." So we used to play hooky. And one day they caught us. And her and I had like ... there was 20 feet between us and a fence. Their parents had a house right behind mine. And my mom went into the backyard like the Spanish woman that she is, and started yelling, "Your daughter's a whore."

Joe Rogan 35:05 (laughs) Oh, no.

Joey Diaz 35:06 "She's over here every day. I don't know what they do in that room. I hope she's not sucking his dick."

Joe Rogan 35:12 Oh my God. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 35:12 "My daughter was just a r- ... my son was a regular little boy until your daughter took over." And I never ... I used to walk her home and I remember walking in the house and her mom was like, "Can I talk to you for a second? Your mom's out there yelling horrible things about my daughter, calling her a whore and shit."

Joe Rogan 35:27 Wow.

Joey Diaz 35:28 I had to go home and tell my mama. "What's up with that?" "She's a fucking whore."

Joe Rogan 35:32 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 35:32 But it drove my mom cra- ... that, that woman drove my ... And after that I got a girlfriend and then no more problems after that. It was just this skinny chick that drove my mother fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 35:45 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 35:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:47 Hey, they made you, man. I mean, imagine you, you have a little boy and you take him to the park and he's a cute little fella and he runs and he stumbles and he falls down and he cries and you pick him up and he hugs you and you love him. And you're like, "It's okay, you just scraped your knee, it's okay." And he's crying and crying. You feel so bad, you feel so bad. And you get him a Band-Aid and you give him a kiss, and talk to him and hang out with him. And then he goes to sleep and you sit there and you look at him sleep and you think about how precious he is, this little life form that you're, you're entrusted with, you gotta take care of. And 15 years later someone's sucking his dick, some dirty little girl down the block. Goddamn it. Look at that.And now he's all into her all the time and obsessed with her and it's driving you nuts. That was your baby. Your baby, stuck with some tramp. Dirty little tramp.

Joey Diaz 36:42 For me, you and I have daughters.

Joe Rogan 36:45 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 36:45 You and I have daughters, which is a ... That's a hell on Earth.

Joe Rogan 36:49 (laughs)

Jamie Vernon 36:49 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 36:50 Having a daughter is Hell on Earth. It's fun now, it's cute. She puts costumes on, she loves daddy, she watches TV. But there's gonna come a day she wants to go to the mall with her friends and you have to let her and you have to worry.

Joe Rogan 37:04 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 37:05 And it's not the same world, so, you know.

Joe Rogan 37:08 The world is not the same now, and it's not gonna be the same when they're older. It's getting weirder and weirder. You know, people are getting ... You know, we were talking earlier about bugs and searches and people being able to turn your microphones on. It is a matter of time before there's no privacy. Whether it's 50 years, whether it's 100 years. And I mean, I'm, I think there's gonna be no privacy with anything. I don't think ... With your thoughts, I think we're gonna f- ... There's, the next thing after cell phones is gonna be something that allows us to communicate w- way easier. They're gonna, there's gonna, within the next 50 years, they're gonna come up with some way where we're gonna be able to all communicate through a device that is gonna be better than just talking. We're gonna, we're gonna share thoughts. It's gonna get really fucking strange. I'm 100% convinced. I think all this stuff is just getting ... Everything accelerates, right? It used to be really hard to get ahold of somebody, now it's really easy to get ahold of somebody and now you're, you're gonna ... People have figured out ways to turn people's microphones on and record them and turn ... People are just putting tape over their, uh, their webcam. "I don't want anybody looking while I'm jerking off." Like, th- they think someone's gonna look through from the other side. They probably can. It's gonna be a matter of time before everybody can, with everybody, with everything you do. There's gonna be, there's gonna be all, all information available to everybody 'cause this is gonna happen. We're so far away from where we were in the '70s. We're so far away.

Joey Diaz 38:36 So far away.

Joe Rogan 38:37 So far away, and that was our lifetime. We can remember the '70s, you know? 1973, I was six years old, okay? I remember that.

Joey Diaz 38:45 I was 10.

Joe Rogan 38:45 I remember, I remember the Vietnam War. I remember when the war ended, thinking when I was a little kid, "This is great that the war is over, 'cause now they know that war is bad and they won't do any war anymore. The war is over. It's gone." And then when the war started up again when I was, I think I was 21 when Desert Storm kicked in, I was like, "Holy shit, they're doing it again." Me and my friend, Jimmy Detillio, we had an apartment in, I think it was, fucking, where were we? Malden or some shit? I forget where the fuck we were. Waltham, that's where we were. We were in Waltham. We had this fucking apartment and, uh, we were sitting there on TV, we were just sit- sitting in front of the living room, I didn't think we had a couch. We were just sitting there in the living room watching these fucking missiles flying through the air and I'll never forget, he goes, "Buddy, looks like we're at war." And I was like, "What? How the f-" And we were both sitting there going, "What? How the fuck? We're at war? I thought we didn't do that anymore." I remember that. I remember that whole, I mean, that time when, when that was how you got information from the TV is so far removed from today. Today, everything that happens all the time is coming at you 100 miles an hour from every direction. There's just too much to keep up with.

Joey Diaz 40:04 You have to, you have to control it, though. You have to control it. You still have to have a life. You still, you know, I don't have Facebook on my phone. I have my, uh, email account. I try to keep Twitter off my phone. When I go on the road, the iPad has no Twitter and no Facebook. It's too much. It's too much and it interferes with who we are. And if you haven't caught that by now, you're not catching this. You know, I'll open up my Twitter on a Saturday just to see who's tweeting, thinking to myself, "What are you doing with your fucking life-

Joe Rogan 40:41 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 40:42 ... that you're tweeting on Friday and fucking Saturday and Sunday?" You know?

Joe Rogan 40:48 It becomes a little game, man.

Joey Diaz 40:49 It's- it's a little game. You have to give it a breather. You have to, you ... It's too much news coming at you. From 2:02 on, on your satellite disk, it's-

Joe Rogan 41:00 It's, you know what the other thing is it?

Joey Diaz 41:01 It's too much news, from sports to world news, you got HLN, CNN, and then ESPN all in a fucking row. It's too fast, it's too quick. Last week when I was home, my buddy, uh, is a cab driver. I- I took six Ubers on Monday in New York. Tuesday, I just wanted to take a cab. I took my wife to get some real pizza at Roma Pizza. The guy that was making pizza there was still there when I was a kid. I drove by one day and I go, "Are you still in there?" So we took a fucking cab. On the cab, this guy that drove me is a friend of mine. We grew up together since we were 12 and we were talking, I go, "That's the firs- first gas station I robbed." And then he goes, "Remember when we were 12 and we were walking home the night Freddie Prinze got killed?"

Joe Rogan 41:52 Wow.

Joey Diaz 41:52 Freddie Prinze had killed himself the night before.

Joe Rogan 41:56 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 41:56 We didn't find out until that 6:00 news. Do you know what I'm saying?

Joe Rogan 42:01 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 42:01 Like, that was the gap in time.

Joe Rogan 42:03 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 42:04 So you got your news t- and even though that was New York, it was the city capital, who watched TV in the morning? Maybe they mentioned it in the morning. Reports out of LA, Freddie Prinze is in the hospital.

Joe Rogan 42:17 Yeah, but you never saw it.

Joey Diaz 42:19 But, no, I s- I remember us being out and them saying, "Freddie Prinze died. He shot himself last night." And I still remember how cold it was. It was January or February, it was fucking freezing. But we were walking home, we were 12, and what do we see in front of us but a b- a guy passed out drunk.... just hammered, drunk on the floor. So we're like, "Hold on, let's get the money out of his pocket. You take the bottle." And it was, like, a bottle of, like, Dewars or whatever. So our plan was to take a bottle and shake a bum. What, what's it called? You roll a bum?

Joe Rogan 42:55 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 42:56 And we put our hand in his pocket and he grabbed one of us like Carrie. So the next thing, all three of us just started kicking him. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:03 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 43:03 Like, we must've kicked him 82 times. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:07 Oh my gosh.

Joey Diaz 43:07 And we ran away with the bottle. He got up and chased us.

Joe Rogan 43:10 Oh, Jesus.

Joey Diaz 43:11 But we knew it was quite short path through the cemetery, so we lost him.

Joe Rogan 43:15 (sighs)

Joey Diaz 43:15 Like, you, you get all those weird things. Like, that's what I associate with. Like, Freddie shot himself at night. They must've mentioned it in the morning. I was too busy going to school, and it wasn't confirmed till the next day.

Joe Rogan 43:30 Wow.

Joey Diaz 43:30 That's how slow news was.

Joe Rogan 43:32 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 43:32 Now, you're getting news, you're getting hit with 200 stories in 10 minutes.

Joe Rogan 43:39 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 43:39 What happened in France, what Trump decided, what the UFC is doing, what fucking, uh, Penny Marshall died. You're getting th- this thrown at you all day and you really can't control it. Take your child. You've watched these two young girls grow up. You ever have days where you take them somewhere, Disney, and it's so much information they gotta go back and take a nap?

Joe Rogan 44:03 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 44:05 W- that happens to us still too.

Joe Rogan 44:07 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 44:08 That's gotta be happening to us.

Joe Rogan 44:10 Oh, for sure. It's wearing you out. And it's, uh, a lot of it is really negative too. You know, and that's, that's another part of the problem is, uh, what's interesting to people is what's dangerous, and there's not much dangerous. So what's interesting to people becomes, you know, being negative, being nasty about something, complaining about things, bitching about that, starting, starting Twitter fights. Like, people enjoy doing it. They're, like, they're looking for, for battles. You know, and I wish there was a way where people could choose to only engage online without insulting people and just trying to get a rise out of people. Like, a troll-free way of interacting. But it's never gonna happen, so you gotta kinda accept what it is. An- so if you accept what it is, you should be very wary about entering to anything where 60% of what you're experiencing is negative. Anything. Anything in life where you're looking at 60% negative. You don't have to. Y- this is one, like, being informed is one thing, but that's more than just being informed, 'cause how much of that information is even valuable to you?

Joey Diaz 45:16 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 45:16 A lot of it is just getting soak- soaked into these fucking horrible stories. You know, I mean, I, I went down a rabbit hole the other day reading about this, uh, these, uh, Scandinavian tourists that got beheaded in Morocco, in the mountains. These girls were hitchhiking and they, they went ... It's fucking horrible. It's horrible, horrible stuff, man. And I watched a video of it. It's horrible.

Joey Diaz 45:38 Well, Joe Rogan, you know I love you. Rule number one, don't go hitchhiking in Morocco.

Joe Rogan 45:43 Uh-

Joey Diaz 45:43 Mind your fucking business, you know what I'm saying?

Joe Rogan 45:45 These girls apparently did this all over the world.

Joey Diaz 45:47 Y- y- y- you, y- yeah. You know, you talk about a guy that fucking went somewhere and tried to, uh, convert a tribe.

Joe Rogan 45:52 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 45:53 You know, and, and, and he showed up with a fucking Bible, you know?

Joe Rogan 45:56 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 45:56 Mind your business, all right? Send a fucking Bible via air mail and do the best you can. There's some people who want to put themselves in a dangerous way.

Joe Rogan 46:04 They don't think they know, man. They might.

Joey Diaz 46:05 I fucking hate all that shit. I fucking hate all that shit. I like controlling my situation, I really do. I l- I don't wanna sound shallow. I would love to be able to have a passport and go to China and go to Italy, but I'm not going nowhere where there's nothing fucking crazy going on. I don't need that in my life.

Joe Rogan 46:24 Right.

Joey Diaz 46:25 I don't wanna hear a bomb when I'm fucking sleeping when I'm in Israel.

Joe Rogan 46:28 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 46:28 Talked to Ari the other day. You could hear bombs going off and shit.

Joe Rogan 46:31 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 46:32 Fucking Ari's, like, telling me jokes on the phone. You hear (imitates snorting) and you hear a bomb going off and shit. I don't need that. I don't need none of that shit. That's putting yourself in harms way. You know, uh, uh-

Joe Rogan 46:44 I think these-

Joey Diaz 46:44 And I appreciate the balls. I appreciate them balls of you climbing up Mount Ninjarrow. I appreciate all that stuff, but it's not in my percentage graph. I believe in percentages, you understand me?

Joe Rogan 46:59 Mm-hmm. I get it.

Joey Diaz 46:59 So, uh, it's just, you know, the other night I read something. I get high at night, guys. I c- I do comedy-

Joe Rogan 47:08 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 47:08 ... and to come down I smoke 55 fucking bong hits. Sometimes you don't have to say a joke on Twitter. The joke is written. When you read it as a human being, you're saying, "This is a very interesting article, but at the same time, it does have elements of humor in it." There's an article of a hot chick and it says, "Mother goes to court to complain about the teacher who fucked her 15-year-old kid-

Joe Rogan 47:36 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 47:37 ... because his life has changed. It's never been the same since she fucked him." Sure it hasn't. The kid's never gonna get his dick sucked like that again. Can you imagine getting a teacher to blow your horn when you're in high school, one of those dirty teachers? You see the picture of it, Joe Rogan? With a fish-

Joe Rogan 47:52 It's hot.

Joey Diaz 47:52 ... on a boat with a bikini? Now you take this chick to the prom and she's sucking your dick, crying.

Joe Rogan 47:57 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 47:58 You know what I'm saying? Like, "I've never done this before." You know what I'm saying? Like, reluctant.

Joe Rogan 48:02 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 48:02 Sure his life has changed.

Joe Rogan 48:03 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 48:04 It, it's a joke. Dog, I got attacked for two days and I didn't reattack people. I turned it around on them. I called them love-

Joe Rogan 48:13 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 48:14 ... and I said, "Merry Christmas," and they had nowhere to go. It's so funny that you could get caught in that. They forget we're comedians. We are, uh, a tube, a tube that transports something really ugly into something that's still ugly, but a little bit of funny to it.

Joe Rogan 48:33 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 48:33 I cracked a joke when I found my mother dead on the floor to myself.

Joe Rogan 48:37 What'd you say?

Joey Diaz 48:38 I knew she was never gonna know I got left behind.... 'cause I got left back, but I never told. And it was coming on a year that I had to tell her. She was, she kept asking me, "Have you chosen a college yet?" And I'm a sophomore year. For three years, I ran a scam on my mother that I hadn't, that I, I didn't even tell her. She thought I was a junior, I was really a sophomore. So as soon as I made that turn, I picked her up, I saw her arm was purple, I kissed her forehead, but I remember popping up and going, "I knew this bitch wasn't gonna have her find out I got left back."

Joe Rogan 49:13 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 49:13 Before I dialed 911. So if I dropped humor at that situation, that's how I fucking handle myself.

Joe Rogan 49:20 Well, that's how you alleviate pressure in your life.

Joey Diaz 49:22 That's how, that's how... Yeah, you have to drop humor.

Joe Rogan 49:24 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 49:24 I will drop a bomb on you at a funeral, Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan 49:28 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 49:28 I will drop a bomb on you at a funeral that you will look at me and go, "Joe Diaz, the ball's on you, but thank God you came."

Joe Rogan 49:35 Did I ever tell you what Dave Foley said when, uh, Phil Hartman didn't win an Emmy?

Joey Diaz 49:39 What?

Joe Rogan 49:40 We were all in the audience, right? We went there to honor him 'cause he got, uh, nominated and, uh, the dude from Frasier won. And Dave Foley t-... (laughs) He turns to me and Steven Ruud, he goes, "What the hell did he have to do to win?"

Joey Diaz 49:52 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 49:54 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 49:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:59 He goes, he goes, (laughs) "He got shot, for fuck's sake." (laughs)

Joey Diaz 50:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:04 Dave Foley's a funny motherfucker, man.

Joey Diaz 50:05 It really is. People have no idea what... I see people arguing now. Like now, as a 55-year-old, you look at it and you go, "I threw away 20 years of my life arguing with people."

Joe Rogan 50:19 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 50:20 That I had no reason to argue with them for. It's not even worth it. If they played the tape back, you'd laugh at yourself and feel horrible.

Joe Rogan 50:28 Mm.

Joey Diaz 50:28 You look at shit now and you go, "What is... How does this even affect your life?" I turn, I watch those CNNs, like, when you're in a hotel room on the weekends. You know, you gotta, you, you go down to CNN or an, a CN- HSBC-

Joe Rogan 50:43 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 50:44 ... political pipe hole.

Joe Rogan 50:45 Ugh.

Joey Diaz 50:46 I love those, for six minutes, to see people get fired up and they attack each other. And they, you know, and everybody's fucking bullshitting. But you sit there and you go, "What is the big fucking deal?" No matter if fucking Hitler makes a comeback and he's president, y'all gotta get up and go to work every morning.

Joe Rogan 51:05 Mm.

Joey Diaz 51:05 It's not like they're giving you money anymore. It's not like somebody's giving you money or they're putting you in a house for free. If Fidel resurfaces from the grave and he's the president, you still gotta work. You still gotta build houses. You still gotta announce the NFC, the UFCs. You still... So what, how, what is... How much does it really affect you? At, at least that's how I, I've always thought.

Joe Rogan 51:27 The problem with all these shows is, all of them, whether it's CNN or Fox News or any, is that they're leaning. They're leaning somewhere. They're leaning one... Well, they're, they're telling you about the news, but they're leaning on it, in a way. They're not just simply recording the f- the facts. Especially Fox News, right? They lean. Like, they lean-

Joey Diaz 51:44 I don't know-

Joe Rogan 51:45 ... hard right.

Joey Diaz 51:45 I don't know what you guys are talking about when you say that. But I will tell you one thing.

Joe Rogan 51:49 Really?

Joey Diaz 51:49 Yeah, when people talk to me about left and right, I have no idea, because I don't even know where I stand on most issues. But guess what I didn't see in New York and New Jersey last week?

Joe Rogan 52:01 What?

Joey Diaz 52:01 Take a guess at what I did not see. Homeless people.

Joe Rogan 52:07 Really? Maybe 'cause it's so cold.

Joey Diaz 52:11 Uh, I was homeless for-

Joe Rogan 52:12 December?

Joey Diaz 52:13 ... fucking 19 days in New York in December, from December 12th to the 31st. I got a hotel room maybe 50% of the time, but beside that, I was homeless at one time in 1984. You ju-... And I asked people and you go, no, you just don't see them.

Joe Rogan 52:28 Hm.

Joey Diaz 52:28 I saw very small sections of, not encampments, but the homeless percent- percentage was smaller. So I asked somebody what that is, how come I have so many homeless people out here? And they said it's called, because they're liberals. I didn't fucking know that's what a liberal was. I had no idea. I just-

Joe Rogan 52:48 You mean California's liberals?

Joey Diaz 52:49 Yeah. I just try to be a human being. I don't know-

Joe Rogan 52:52 (sighs) That doesn't make sense. It's like, what does that mean then? What, where do the-

Joey Diaz 52:54 Yeah, I-

Joe Rogan 52:54 Where do the homeless go? Do we make more of them out here? Is that what he's saying?

Joey Diaz 52:58 Do you allow it? That, that Las Ve-... He was telling me how Las Vegas ships their homeless.

Joe Rogan 53:04 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 53:04 Gives them a bus to California.

Joe Rogan 53:06 (sighs)

Joey Diaz 53:07 And 25 bucks.

Joe Rogan 53:07 That might be true.

Jamie Vernon 53:08 Yeah, with the ship. I feel like the shipping is both busing people to, like, Alaska for a little while or something like that.

Joey Diaz 53:13 Yeah.

Jamie Vernon 53:13 A couple years ago, I think that still happens.

Joey Diaz 53:14 Something like that. Something like that was going.

Joe Rogan 53:14 Do you remember when, uh, you saw the, the TV show Wild Wild Country? Did you see that?

Joey Diaz 53:20 No.

Joe Rogan 53:20 (laughs) It's on the Rajneesh. Is that how you say it? Rajneesh, uh, Kalt, from Oregon. And, uh, one of the things they did to... They took over the town. One of the-

Joey Diaz 53:32 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:32 They brought in-

Joey Diaz 53:33 I heard about it, I haven't watched it.

Joe Rogan 53:34 ... homeless people in buses and then had all those people vote. And then (laughs) they took over the fucking town. They, like, developed a, a real town and then they took over this one area. Bused Out: How America Moves Its Homeless. It's whoa.

Jamie Vernon 53:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:49 "Each year, a US city gives thousands of homeless people one-way bus tickets out of town. An 18-month nat- nationwide investigation (laughs) by The Guardian reveals for the first time what really happens at journey's end."

Jamie Vernon 53:59 Yikes.

Joe Rogan 54:00 Whoa. That sounds like a M. Night Shyamalan movie, right? They kill a bunch of homeless people. Like, Satan's involved. (laughs) It's like, they just move them away? Where do they sh- where do they ship them?

Jamie Vernon 54:16 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 54:17 Looks like they're throwing them down in, in Miami and in LA. (laughs) Huh.

Joey Diaz 54:25 When I lived in Colorado, in Colorado, people would... The homeless people would commit crimes. They figured out what crimes they would get 60 days for and they would commit that crime, plead guilty, do the 60 days just to get out of the winter.

Joe Rogan 54:45 Hm.

Joey Diaz 54:46 Because in those days, Boulder would give you tobacco.You were allow- they would give you tobacco, but you had to roll it, that- that-

Joe Rogan 54:54 Really?

Joey Diaz 54:54 ... that type of shit. Yeah. Boulder County Jail, in 1991, Boulder County Jail and some other jail were voted number one and two jails in the country.

Joe Rogan 55:06 Wow.

Joey Diaz 55:07 That people would want to go to those jails. Then Boulder built a new jail and it became fucking communist land, like Aspen. Where does-

Joe Rogan 55:15 Communist land? What do you mean?

Joey Diaz 55:16 Yeah, like no cigarettes, everybody had to wear uniforms.

Joe Rogan 55:19 Oh. Oh.

Joey Diaz 55:20 No more staying up till 2:00 in the morning. When I was a-

Joe Rogan 55:22 What was wrong with the other way?

Joey Diaz 55:23 Boulder County Jail?

Joe Rogan 55:24 The way, it was good, the good way.

Joey Diaz 55:26 Oh, Boulder County Jail was a paradise.

Joe Rogan 55:28 Well, what was wrong with that?

Joey Diaz 55:31 It got out.

Joe Rogan 55:32 It got out that it was too nice?

Joey Diaz 55:33 Right. So, like, I'm telling you, homeless people would commit a crime to do 60 days.

Joe Rogan 55:37 Can I ask you something about this?

Joey Diaz 55:38 Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:38 As a person who's been in jail-

Joey Diaz 55:40 Go ahead.

Joe Rogan 55:40 ... would it motivate you more... This is an honest question. Would it motivate you more if you were in jail and it was nice and comfortable in there and you got to relax and calm down? Or would it motivate you more if they brought you into some communist-type jail, as you described it, where everybody had to wear uniforms, there was no cigarettes, there was no fun, they limited your outside time? What would-

Joey Diaz 56:02 I did- I did them both.

Joe Rogan 56:04 What would- what-

Joey Diaz 56:05 I did them-

Joe Rogan 56:05 ... what do you think, as a person who's been through, what would be most effective in rehabilitating you? I mean, that's the idea, right?

Joey Diaz 56:13 I don't give a fu-

Joe Rogan 56:13 Is to punish and rehabilitate?

Joey Diaz 56:14 If right now you said to me, "You- you gotta stay in this fucking building for six months. This is gonna be your jail." This is like Pablo Escobar's jail. It's still jail. I want you to remember that.

Joe Rogan 56:28 Right.

Joey Diaz 56:29 You cannot leave the building for six months. I will let you go out to the front and a cage one hour a day. But you gotta figure out what you're gonna do in here for 12 months. It's a cage, yes, I have more options here. I can lift weights, I can do different parts of my body, I could shoot pool, bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. Boulder was very simple. Boulder, you got locked up, they gave you the linens. You either took them or you didn't. Nah, I want to get my own clothes. So you called home. At lunchtime, Joe Rogan brought me my jeans, my sneakers, my T-shirts. I'm wearing my own clothes. So now they determine what you're in for, non-violent or violent. If you're a non-violent offender, you- the world is yours.

Joe Rogan 57:15 The violent ones are the ones that get lumped in-

Joey Diaz 57:17 Okay, so-

Joe Rogan 57:17 ... with the other violent ones.

Joey Diaz 57:18 So now the violent offenders, uh, depending on what you do as violent, you go into one sector. And that sector, the longer you're in there, the more rewards you get. So if you're in green, you stay up till 10:00 and they got cable TV. If you are red, you stay up till 11:00 and they got cable TV. If you're purple, you stay up till 1:00.

Joe Rogan 57:44 1:00 AM?

Joey Diaz 57:45 Oh, my God. Boulder County Jail was tremendous.

Joe Rogan 57:48 1:00 AM and TV?

Joey Diaz 57:49 So I didn't- so I didn't-

Joe Rogan 57:49 And cigarettes?

Joey Diaz 57:50 ... I didn't drink milk. Milk is big in jail, because the bodybuilders like milk. It's like fucking drugs.

Joe Rogan 57:56 Really?

Joey Diaz 57:57 So I would trade you and you my milk for your Kool-Aid.

Joe Rogan 58:02 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 58:02 All right? So I was in there drinking fucking Kool-Aids and shit-

Joe Rogan 58:06 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 58:06 ... because I fucking hate milk. Boulder was a paradise compared to other jails. Oh, listen to this. Thanksgiving Day when I... Was I locked up Thanksgiving Day? Yeah. The guard came in, and I'll never forget, his name was Ron. And he opened up the cell door and there was a phone there. And he goes, "Anybody who needs to use the phone, use the phone." I figured out, you know, in those days you had to press 9 to get an outside line. I pressed 8 to see if I get long distance. Nothing. I pressed 7, nothing. Six, nothing. Five, nothing. Four, fucking long distance. I got to call my peeps in Jersey for 20 minutes a piece. You know, you just figure out different things. Then they send you to a place where somebody looks at you in the eye and says, "Strip down," and you gotta go take a shower. And then you come out and they put a finger up your ass to see if you got contraband.

Joe Rogan 59:02 Hmm.

Joey Diaz 59:02 And they, they give you tighty-whities and an orange jumpsuit.

Joe Rogan 59:05 So they put, like, a rubber glove on and then lube their finger up?

Joey Diaz 59:08 D- does it matter?

Jamie Vernon 59:08 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 59:09 It does.

Joey Diaz 59:09 At that point I didn't give a fuck. You're putting a finger up my ass 'cause it, it breaks you down as a man as much as anything in the world. That- that's the first breakdown.

Joe Rogan 59:18 Wow.

Joey Diaz 59:18 To turn you around. To let you know they run you. They're gonna stick it up your ass. Then you go to your cell and that, those guys in there are not very nice. They weren't like the Boulder County Jail guys. Those guys would kick your bed and make you get up, turn your light on in the middle of the night, and say, "Get out of bed, we're gonna do a search," at 2:00 in the morning. Those people are not nice at all. Then I got transferred to Summit County Jail, which was a fucking paradise. Paradise. Paradise. Handball all day outside, TV till 2:00 in the morning.

Joe Rogan 59:57 Really?

Joey Diaz 59:57 TVs in your cell. Black and white TVs in your cell. Basic cable. You could be up all night. You could-

Joe Rogan 1:00:05 Wow.

Joey Diaz 1:00:05 If you wanted to go to breakfast, you ate breakfast. If not, you could sleep through breakfast and we'd eat your breakfast for you. And then from there, they shipped me off to Department of Corrections. That's where it's the nitty-gritty. If you think black people talk in a movie theater at night, don't go there.

Joe Rogan 1:00:23 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:00:25 (laughs) Don't go there. Black people talk all night. It's six or seven floors, and I was in there in August with fu- full humidity-

Joe Rogan 1:00:35 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:00:35 ... in Canon City, Colorado.

Joe Rogan 1:00:37 Wow.

Joey Diaz 1:00:38 All right? With a little window, you know, and I was, like, on the third floor, I couldn't breathe. And in those days, they let you out, you took two showers a week and one hour a day you went outside.... after that, you were just in a cell by yourself. And at night, it froze. In the daytime, it was like fucking being, sweating in a, in a fucking, uh, tin can. You were in a tin can in the daytime. That was-

Joe Rogan 1:01:06 No air conditioning.

Joey Diaz 1:01:07 Nope. Oh, shit. (laughs) There's nothing. Two showers, and then the three meals, and then that, and then the f- the first week is good because you actually get out of your cell and go test. They test your everything, your math, your English. They fucking put a bunch of pictures in front of you. They put you through psychiatry. They take your blood out. They do everything, and then they assess you, and then they have...

Joey Diaz 1:01:38 I took care of all the, the dots. Okay? There's a bunch of dots you have to, you have to dot your Is. Like, if you have a high school diploma, you get a point. If you were working at the time of arrest, you get a point. If you were up to r- paying rent. So I got a bunch of points for that. It's so funny how... T- to talk about something very interesting, it's very interesting where this Harvey Weinstein ca- case is gonna go. It's very interesting where it's gonna go. Right now, he has Benjamin Braf as an attorney, and if you see what happened, Benjamin Braf pushed for a dismissal and he didn't get it. The tr- the tr- the lawyer set... the judge set a, a trial date. They're gonna get a trial date. Harvey Weinstein's gonna go throw more money to pay off time. Harvey's gonna go for time, then he's gonna fire Benjamin Braf and show up with two women, primarily one Black and one Asian, or one white and one Asian. And this is when this trial's gonna get very interesting. Harvey's also gonna hire millions of dollars in prosecu- uh, in, uh, private investigators. They're gonna interview boyfriends. They're gonna interview... This case is gonna be very interesting, unlike the Cosby case, where Cosby didn't really fuck anyone.

Joe Rogan 1:03:05 How do you know he's gonna do all this stuff?

Joey Diaz 1:03:06 Because I, I know a... this is what I would do. (laughs) I know if you come to me and you go, "I'm, I'm getting busted for this. What do I do?" I... because of m- how I grew up around those people, this is what you do. Benjamin Braf cannot ask a woman the same question a woman could ask a woman.

Joe Rogan 1:03:27 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:03:28 So I'm gonna go in there with either a Black woman, an Asian woman, or a white woman. My first two choices are a Black and an Asian woman.

Joe Rogan 1:03:39 You wanna get the diversity angle?

Joey Diaz 1:03:40 I wanna get the diversity angle, and I wanna get that "You can't... you're saying that 'cause you're a Black woman, Chinese woman." What I'm trying to stare... have, did you-

Joe Rogan 1:03:48 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:03:48 ... did you ever really watch The People versus O.J. Simpson?

Joe Rogan 1:03:51 No, I didn't.

Joey Diaz 1:03:52 Very interesting, and it's, it's time that you sat down. The holidays, that thing going on.

Joe Rogan 1:03:57 Is that the, uh, is that the FX version?

Joey Diaz 1:03:59 Travolta. Yeah, the FX version.

Joe Rogan 1:04:00 Yeah, I watched one episode. It seemed very good.

Joey Diaz 1:04:02 Very interesting how he put a dream team together.

Joe Rogan 1:04:05 How accurate is it?

Joey Diaz 1:04:05 G, it's gonna cost you 10 mil. Listen to me, G, you got two options. You can go in there like Cosby and pay two mil and make believe you're blind, or...

Joe Rogan 1:04:14 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:04:15 ... we've put together a fucking... Did, did you see him? He went in there with that milky shit over his eyes like the guy from Kung Fu. Remember when we were kids, Kung Fu's father had like-

Joe Rogan 1:04:24 (singing)

Joey Diaz 1:04:24 Yeah, Kung Fu's father was, like, half-blind and shit.

Joe Rogan 1:04:27 Yeah, I remember that. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:04:28 He had that milk of Magnesia on his eye and shit. That's how Ca- Cosby went in there playing like I'm sick routine.

Joe Rogan 1:04:33 He's got cataracts.

Joey Diaz 1:04:35 Who?

Joe Rogan 1:04:36 Cosby.

Joey Diaz 1:04:37 Yeah, but, m- he didn't have cataracts when he was-

Joe Rogan 1:04:38 Doesn't he have something like that?

Joey Diaz 1:04:40 Not when he did-

Joe Rogan 1:04:40 He's got something serious.

Joey Diaz 1:04:41 Not when he put the pill in the water, he didn't.

Joe Rogan 1:04:42 No, he knows where the pills are.

Joey Diaz 1:04:43 It was... he knows what the fucking, so... You know what I'm saying?

Joe Rogan 1:04:44 He just takes three steps, reaches to his right. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:04:46 You show him a fucking... You know, yeah. He knows. But Harvey has to play this hand. This is what America's about to watch. They're gonna watch something fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 1:04:56 You think?

Joey Diaz 1:04:56 Harvey knows he can't go in there on Benjamin Braf. Benjamin Braf had Gravano. Look at the list of who Benjamin Braf has, and Benjamin Braf can't attack a woman.

Joe Rogan 1:05:06 Joey, you look at l- like legal cases like sports. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:05:10 Listen to me, bro.

Joe Rogan 1:05:10 You do. Like, he's got pencil and paper.

Joey Diaz 1:05:12 Listen, listen to me. He's-

Joe Rogan 1:05:12 He's writing all this down like-

Joey Diaz 1:05:13 ... here's the beauty.

Joe Rogan 1:05:14 ... he's... Like, he's Jon Jones versus Gustafsson.

Joey Diaz 1:05:16 I went to New York last week, and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with my daughter. She loves art. And while I was sitting there, I was at it saying to them, "Go on your own," 'cause my daughter didn't want me taking pictures in front of the statues anyway. She's like, "Daddy, get outta the pictures of the statues." So I'm like, "What the fuck am I hanging out with you for?" She was in the Chinese wing. I wanted to see the Armenian wing. But it was funny. I was thinking about when I was 21 and 22, Joe Rogan and I would get stoned to the gills and go to the Museum of Natural History, the Museum of... My hobbies back then, since I was such a loner and people were looking for me, I was always a criminal, I would go over the bridge to either go to one of those museums or I would sit in a courtroom. I would go to a place that had a fucking Italian sandwich, and I'd get a bag of Wise potato chips and a 16-ounce Coke. And you go to any courtroom, court starts at 7:00. At the Metropolitan Downtown, I'd take the A train and I'd walk... I, I forget now what... you know, this is 1983, '81. I was a kid. And I would sit and I'd observe night court. I learned how to... plus I grew up in that.

Joe Rogan 1:06:33 You were what? You'd sit and watch night court like you'd watch a basketball game or a pickup game somewhere?

Joey Diaz 1:06:37 Yeah, yeah, with a sandwich-

Joe Rogan 1:06:38 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:06:39 ... and a soda and potato chips.

Joe Rogan 1:06:42 I think a lot of people don't realize you could just go to court.

Joey Diaz 1:06:44 And I would watch 12-

Joe Rogan 1:06:44 You could do that.

Joey Diaz 1:06:45 12 people h- I, I would learn how to set bail.

Joe Rogan 1:06:49 Can you do that anytime you want? Can you just get in there and watch?

Joey Diaz 1:06:51 In the, in the, in the '80s, yes. Now there's bomb detectors. You have to have a reason why you're there.

Joe Rogan 1:06:57 Do you have to?

Joey Diaz 1:06:58 And, and, and, and-

Joe Rogan 1:06:58 Like, uh, what if you're interested in the case?

Joey Diaz 1:07:01 Yeah. He'd go down there and just watch it, and-

Joe Rogan 1:07:03 What if you, you know, for whatever reason, there's a speeding thing? Like someone lost their license and they got arrested driving and trying to get away from cops.

Joey Diaz 1:07:10 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:10 You can go watch that.

Joey Diaz 1:07:11 I can go, "I'm supporting Joe."

Joe Rogan 1:07:13 I would like to go and see-

Joey Diaz 1:07:15 Sit in the back.

Joe Rogan 1:07:15 I would like to g- see what the fuck was going on when those guys are trying to get away from the cops and the helicopter's chasing 'em with the spotlights, and they just keep going. Like, what the fuck were you thinking? Like, what... I, I would like to get to that courtroom hearing. I wanna see that guy. I wanna look at that guy that was, like, running from the cops with the fucking spotlight from the helicopter on him. He knew he wasn't gonna get away and he's cutting people off and driving on the fucking side of the... Nobody ever gets away. Has anybody ever gotten away recently?

Jamie Vernon 1:07:41 Yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:07:42 The other night, something happened.

Jamie Vernon 1:07:43 ... was in a, in a parking garage.

Joe Rogan 1:07:44 What happened?

Jamie Vernon 1:07:44 They couldn't find him.

Joe Rogan 1:07:45 Oh, like in a mall?

Jamie Vernon 1:07:46 He was in a parking garage. Yeah. Like, they get away. It's

Joey Diaz 1:07:47 ... but the percentages... Let, let me explain something to you.

Joe Rogan 1:07:49 It's low, right?

Joey Diaz 1:07:50 Mm-hmm.

Jamie Vernon 1:07:50 Mm-hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:07:50 The percentages are very fucking low.

Joe Rogan 1:07:52 Right.

Joey Diaz 1:07:53 It's tough to get away, bro. They got you. Once those helicopters spot you, you're running through neighborhoods-

Joe Rogan 1:07:58 You gotta make sure if you-

Joey Diaz 1:07:59 ... it's three years.

Joe Rogan 1:07:59 ... if you're going into a mall, they have cameras. They can re- rewind the cameras-

Joey Diaz 1:08:04 Right.

Joe Rogan 1:08:04 ... and watch you go. If you're running into the mall, they're gonna, "Oh, there he is." A- they'll spot you.

Joey Diaz 1:08:09 They... They, they... What happens to you, you wanna know what happens to you?

Joe Rogan 1:08:12 What happens to me?

Joey Diaz 1:08:13 All right, first of all, sp- usually, spa- Sky 9 is following you. So they gotta put you-

Joe Rogan 1:08:18 That's the news?

Joey Diaz 1:08:19 Yeah. They gotta put you on the floor, kick your legs, do everything by procedure on camera. Then they pick you up, they handcuff you, they put you in the side of the car. The guy tells you this whole white version of what happened. "The pursuit started on the 5."

Joe Rogan 1:08:33 (laughs) The white version.

Joey Diaz 1:08:34 Yeah. "And he's wanted for-"

Joe Rogan 1:08:35 Subject.

Joey Diaz 1:08:36 Yeah, subject.

Joe Rogan 1:08:36 Suspect was, uh, moving at a high rate of speed.

Joey Diaz 1:08:39 Then they fucking... You know, if I just had to chase you for 20 miles, how pissed am I at you?

Joe Rogan 1:08:43 Oh, yeah.

Joey Diaz 1:08:43 So they put you in the fucking trunk and they put you in the backseat in front of everybody so the cameras take pictures, and they put a cop next to you. And on the drive there, you got a couple backhands to your face. You know what I'm saying? That you, you hit the steering wheel or something, they hit you a couple times. Then you go in there and you sit in a holding tank and, and then you fucking, uh... If you're with one- another person, you s- you just shut your fucking mouth. "You wanna call your lawyer? I'll call him later." You wanna call your lawyer because you want one of the other guys to get a lawyer. So then like that, you have to get, uh... It's, it's pub- it's, it's conflict of interest. So if me, you, and Jamie get arrested right now, I'm gonna shut my mouth and tell you I'm gonna call my attorney later, because I know for a fact Jamie's gonna get a public defender. So now I can't get a public defender because w- that's conflict of interest. So the state has to pay for a different attorney for me.

Joe Rogan 1:09:43 Whoa.

Joey Diaz 1:09:44 A lot of people don't know that. So if you get arrested with two or three people, you keep your mouth shut, "Yeah, I'll call my attorney later." "You have an attorney?" "Yeah, I forget his name."

Joe Rogan 1:09:52 (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:09:53 Let Jamie cop the public defender, now the two public defenders can't represent you.

Joe Rogan 1:09:59 Ah.

Joey Diaz 1:09:59 So now you get a better chance of getting a better attorney (laughs) and the state pays for it, it's on the um... So next time you pay for your mortgage and you go, "Goddamn it, this state takes us high," it's 'cause a jerkoff like me went with fucking Johnny Rambadabats and fucking (laughs) he wants $800 an hour, even though the state'll give him$ 400 an hour. It's like wholesale. You know what I'm saying? But I, at least I got a better type of attorney.

Joe Rogan 1:10:25 You game the system.

Joey Diaz 1:10:26 You game the system.

Joe Rogan 1:10:28 Nice.

Joey Diaz 1:10:29 It really is fucking crazy how I love figuring this shit out.

Joe Rogan 1:10:33 You l- you wri- you're writing things down like you weren't even thinking. You just automatically started writing down numbers and percentages and shit. (laughs)

Joey Diaz 1:10:39 Oh, yeah, I know all this shit.

Joe Rogan 1:10:41 It's like a sport.

Joey Diaz 1:10:41 I, I grew up in this shit.

Joe Rogan 1:10:42 It is like a sport.

Joey Diaz 1:10:44 So that's what he'll do. Har- and by the time Harvey bring on a rape case, you gotta go up there and relive the story and tell the dates and if, wh- if there was a rape kit. It's very fucking tough. This is gonna be very interesting, bro, what's gonna happen to you. The only thing is, anything he cops to, he's gonna c- they're gonna come back on him like OJ-

Joe Rogan 1:11:05 Hmm.

Joey Diaz 1:11:05 ... and try to sue him, so then he'll just live in Florida making fucking Super 8 films (laughs) down there, down in fucking Miramar, Florida or wherever the fuck he can go.

Joe Rogan 1:11:15 It is crazy when you see someone like him.

Joey Diaz 1:11:16 And then you can't get sued because they work the system. I'm not saying nothing bad here. That's what your advisors and your people around you will tell you. He's in hot water for the rest of his life. Because even if he gets that down to, like, an assault charge and he has to serve 8 months, 12 months, which is really eight, once he gets out, he, all the civil suits are gonna come at him. And then he has to pull an OJ and move to Florida where they can't touch your pension or some bullshit money he had hidden or something like that.

Joe Rogan 1:11:51 Wow.

Joey Diaz 1:11:55 It's really crazy.

Jamie Vernon 1:11:56 This is now unrelated to what we're talking about right now. So (clears throat) this has happened, I think, since we've been live. Um, Kevin Spacey uploaded this video on his YouTube channel where he's in character as Frank Underwood. And since this has come out today, he's now been indicted on rape charges in Ma- Massachusetts, I believe.

Joe Rogan 1:12:13 Whoa.

Jamie Vernon 1:12:14 Felony rape charge.

Joe Rogan 1:12:15 (gasps) So it's his plea to get his job back?

Jamie Vernon 1:12:18 This might have come out without him knowing that was gonna happen. I don't know. I was gonna see if you wanted to watch it and see what he's doing.

Joe Rogan 1:12:24 (exhales) Should we watch it? If we watch it, we're gonna get kicked off of YouTube, right?

Jamie Vernon 1:12:27 It's news. It's news. It's fair use-ish.

Joe Rogan 1:12:29 Ish?

Jamie Vernon 1:12:30 I mean, it should be definitely fair use. We can at least watch a minute or something like... 30, 20 seconds of it-

Joe Rogan 1:12:34 All right.

Jamie Vernon 1:12:34 ... and see what he's doing.

Joe Rogan 1:12:36 He's washing his hands.

Joey Diaz 1:12:43 I know what you want. Oh, sure, they may have tried to separate us, but what we have is too strong. It's too powerful. I mean, after all, we shared everything, you and I. I told you my deepest, darkest secrets. I showed you exactly what people are capable of. I shocked you with my honesty, but mostly, I challenged you and made you think.

1:13:07 And you trusted me, even though you knew you shouldn't. So we're not done, no matter what anyone says. And besides, I know what you want. You want me back. Of course, some believed everything and have just been waiting with bated breath to hear me confess it all. They're just dying to have me declare that everything said is true and that I got what I deserved. Wouldn't that be easy? (spoon clatters) If it was all so simple? Only you and I both know it's never that simple, not in politics and not in life. But you wouldn't believe the worst-

Joe Rogan 1:13:47 Okay. We, we get it. We get it.

Jamie Vernon 1:13:48 But he's in char-

Joe Rogan 1:13:49 But he's in char-

Joey Diaz 1:13:50 He's in character, 100%.

Jamie Vernon 1:13:51 He's not supposed to be dead in the show, correct? Weird. It's weird. It's weird.

Joe Rogan 1:13:54 This is strange. That's strange to watch.

Joey Diaz 1:13:58 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:13:58 'Cause what, you know what's strange is he l- he l- seems a little off his game. Right?

Jamie Vernon 1:14:02 I mean, he... I don't know if anyone asks him today.

Joe Rogan 1:14:04 Even if he was playing Frank Underwood-

Jamie Vernon 1:14:06 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:14:06 ... he seems a little off. Like a, "Okay, we're a little tense on that one. Let's, uh..." (sighs)

Jamie Vernon 1:14:11 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:14:12 "Let's get into this. You're Frank Underwood. Come on, man. Kevin, Kevin, you're Frank Underwood." "I'm Frank Underwood." And then boom, hit it a second time.

Jamie Vernon 1:14:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:14:20 The second take felt smoother. Second take felt smoother.

Jamie Vernon 1:14:23 That's a performance, guys.

Joe Rogan 1:14:24 You know? It seemed like acting.

Jamie Vernon 1:14:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:14:25 It's weird. It's not like... It's great character. That character's a fucking great character. I mean, the Frank Underwood character is, like, one of the all-time TV characters. But that's just weird.

Jamie Vernon 1:14:37 They just brought him into real life, kind of.

Joe Rogan 1:14:38 That's so strange. He was-

Jamie Vernon 1:14:39 (laughing)

Joey Diaz 1:14:39 So he's really gone and died then?

Joe Rogan 1:14:40 ... himself.

Joey Diaz 1:14:41 He got died already?

Jamie Vernon 1:14:42 Yeah, I saw the, uh, what happened on, uh... This is, what?

Joe Rogan 1:14:45 For statutory?

Jamie Vernon 1:14:46 This is Fox News, according to Fox News, but this is everywhere else, too. Uh, he shared this video as he's announced that he's facing felony sexual assart charges...