Joe Rogan Experience #1310 - Sober October 2019 Preview

Joe Rogan 0:00 ... and that's probably the way to do it. We're cutting in right now. Pow! Ch- pow, pow, pow, pow! (imitates gun firing)

Bert Kreischer 0:06 So what, what did it have?

Joe Rogan 0:07 Tell me about the tour bus.

Tom Segura 0:09 This tour... Okay.

Joe Rogan 0:09 Are you the tour bus champ?

Tom Segura 0:10 No.

Bert Kreischer 0:10 No, no, no, he's not.

Joe Rogan 0:11 (laughs)

Tom Segura 0:12 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 0:12 Let's, let's, let's hold off on labels till we hear the story.

Tom Segura 0:14 'Cause I've only won one victory in this whole thing. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 0:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:17 Who's the tour bus... He came so close to the weight loss.

Tom Segura 0:20 He did come close.

Bert Kreischer 0:21 Yeah, he did come really close.

Joe Rogan 0:21 And then, then we had one year where it was like socialist. It was like, uh, Marxist. No one could lose.

Tom Segura 0:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:27 Even if you lost, it didn't matter.

Tom Segura 0:28 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 0:29 Oh, I like that. That was comradery.

Joe Rogan 0:30 We had one year. Yeah, it was a good f- good year.

Tom Segura 0:32 This, this year's gotta be a good one.

Bert Kreischer 0:34 What am I doing?

Joe Rogan 0:34 Listen, last year I almost killed myself.

Tom Segura 0:36 Yeah, we gotta do it differently than that.

Bert Kreischer 0:37 You were pink, fucking purple.

Joe Rogan 0:39 Wasn't purple, but it wasn't the right color. (laughs)

Tom Segura 0:42 What color was it?

Joe Rogan 0:42 I was worried I had rhabdo.

Tom Segura 0:44 Like brown?

Joe Rogan 0:44 I was worried, uh, but it wasn't. It was just dehydration, severe dehydration. There was days where I would drink literally g- like, fucking gallons of water. You don't want ice?

Bert Kreischer 0:55 I'm gonna try it without first.

Joe Rogan 0:56 No, you're crazy. Um, I was drinking so much... I was drinking water and I was adding salt to it. I was adding Himalayan salt to the water.

Bert Kreischer 1:03 Wow.

Joe Rogan 1:03 Just 'cause I know I was dehydrating myself so much. I would have puddles on the ground.

Tom Segura 1:07 And you still... That still wasn't sufficient? Like, that-

Joe Rogan 1:09 Dude, I set up, I set off an alarm.

Tom Segura 1:11 I remember that, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:12 I set off a fire alarm in the gym from my sweat.

Bert Kreischer 1:15 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:16 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:16 Is that how crazy that is?

Tom Segura 1:19 Dude, I, I have never heard of that, of course.

Bert Kreischer 1:21 Yeah, I'll bet you could do that.

Joe Rogan 1:21 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:21 I have... I still have PTSD from last year's Sober October.

Joe Rogan 1:24 Dude-

Bert Kreischer 1:24 Like, I get texts from you guys and panic sets in my heart, and I go, "Wait, what does this say?"

Joe Rogan 1:27 I, my wife gets it. She thinks I'm crazy.

Tom Segura 1:30 For sure.

Bert Kreischer 1:30 I moved and I just-

Tom Segura 1:31 It upsets wives.

Bert Kreischer 1:32 Yeah, yeah.

Tom Segura 1:32 You're the only one who it hadn't like ruined the home life.

Joe Rogan 1:36 Yeah, you got lucky.

Bert Kreischer 1:36 Yeah, if I had come to New York, it would've been... I mean, LA would've been terrible-

Joe Rogan 1:39 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:39 ... being here for an extra month. But like, uh, I saw that fucking stupid device when I was moving. I opened up a drawer and it was like-

Tom Segura 1:44 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 1:44 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 1:44 And I didn't even want it. I was like, "Get it out, get it out of here."

Joe Rogan 1:46 Get it out. (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:47 Because I don't touch it.

Joe Rogan 1:48 It's like Chucky. It's like Chucky, the little doll.

Bert Kreischer 1:50 Yeah.

Tom Segura 1:50 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:50 "I'm coming for you. Watch out."

Joe Rogan 1:52 Yeah, man.

Bert Kreischer 1:53 I think LeeAnn and Push are gonna podcast this entire Sober October.

Tom Segura 1:56 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:56 Just how much they hate us.

Joe Rogan 1:57 Don't let her after she threw you under the bus.

Tom Segura 1:58 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:59 In the fucking radio station, tell that story. The, the audience didn't hear that story. Tell that story.

Bert Kreischer 2:04 You guys should have... You guys should do wife swaps.

Joe Rogan 2:05 Tell that story.

Tom Segura 2:06 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 2:06 She was... They were asking about drugs and how hard I party. And I was just talking shit, and I was like, "You know," I go, uh, I go, "I smoke a little bit of weed. Uh, every now and then if cocaine is on a switchblade I'll hit it. But for the most part, I only..."

Tom Segura 2:17 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:18 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:18 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:19 "I only, I only do mushrooms once a year." And LeeAnn just heard me, and she's making breakfast for the girls. She goes, "He doesn't do mushrooms and he doesn't do cocaine. He's got high blood pressure." I'm like, "Bitch, I'm trying to move tickets in Dayton."

Joe Rogan 2:30 Wow.

Tom Segura 2:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:31 She threw you under the bus.

Joe Rogan 2:32 Body shots for the tour, fall dates available now.

Bert Kreischer 2:35 Is it available right now?

Tom Segura 2:36 Dude, yeah, we... J- it's right now, right now, right now.

Joe Rogan 2:38 Right now, right now.

Tom Segura 2:38 Right now, right now, burtburtburt.com.

Bert Kreischer 2:39 It's weird. We're-

Tom Segura 2:40 You sound like you're coming off a coke bender.

Bert Kreischer 2:43 I did.

Joe Rogan 2:43 We're all touring hard.

Bert Kreischer 2:44 Dude.

Joe Rogan 2:45 But think, think about it, Tom. Like, when you first started going on the road with me, you're way far ahea- further ahead now than I was back then.

Bert Kreischer 2:51 Then he was in the future?

Joe Rogan 2:53 Than I was.

Bert Kreischer 2:54 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 2:54 When he was opening for me, we were doing clubs.

Bert Kreischer 2:57 Yeah, we were doing theaters.

Tom Segura 2:57 Yeah, we were doing clubs. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:57 We were doing all clubs. D- we made it... We started to do theaters when you started to headline your own places.

Tom Segura 3:03 That's true, yeah. That was pretty crazy.

Joe Rogan 3:05 Dude was quick, man.

Bert Kreischer 3:06 I was thinking about it, about that level you were at that we all thought was like, "Damn."

Joe Rogan 3:10 Well, yeah, I mean-

Bert Kreischer 3:11 And then it's, yeah.

Tom Segura 3:12 You know what I'm saying? It's because like you, you know someone. You're like, "It's accessible."

Joe Rogan 3:14 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 3:14 Right? So you're like-

Joe Rogan 3:15 Right, right, right. It, it seems normal.

Tom Segura 3:17 Right, you're like-

Joe Rogan 3:17 Like, it makes sense. Like, "Oh, I could sell out this whole weekend too."

Tom Segura 3:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:20 And then when you do, you're like, "Oh, shit."

Bert Kreischer 3:22 Like, "What?"

Tom Segura 3:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:22 "I'm a fucking comedian. I'm a real comedian. I sold out a club."

Tom Segura 3:26 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:26 And it's just because we got in shape.

Joe Rogan 3:27 I didn't even think about it.

Bert Kreischer 3:28 (laughs)

Tom Segura 3:28 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 3:28 It's just because of Sober October.

Joe Rogan 3:30 Yeah.

Tom Segura 3:30 It's just because of Sober October.

Bert Kreischer 3:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:31 That's how it was.

Bert Kreischer 3:31 Hey.

Tom Segura 3:31 I never... I didn't think about theaters back then, like when we were all-

Joe Rogan 3:35 Right.

Tom Segura 3:35 ... in the club. I never thought of that.

Joe Rogan 3:36 No, we were just doing clubs.

Tom Segura 3:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:38 Like, I had done a couple of theaters here and there, but for the most part it was just about just working.

Bert Kreischer 3:44 Yeah. That's what Dice said. We was like, "What do you wanna do with your career?" He's like, "Oh, I'd like to have clubs." He goes, "Why not theater?" I was like, "I, I couldn't do theater." He goes, "Why? 'Cause you said you can do whatever you want." And I was like, "All right."

Joe Rogan 3:55 Dice got me to go on the road. He really planted a fucking seed in my head one day in the back parking lot of the comedy store. Said, "Why don't you do the road?" I said, "I don't know." He goes, "Hey, I don't fucking just hang around here." And he's like, "You can make a good living." He goes, "You don't need these fucking TV guys." And I was like-

Bert Kreischer 4:09 He's right.

Joe Rogan 4:11 ... "Wow, he's right."

Bert Kreischer 4:11 Oh.

Joe Rogan 4:11 I was thinking about it. I was like, "He's right."

Bert Kreischer 4:13 Dude, that's changed my life. You... I've said this a million times, but you and Bill Burr in the back of the store telling me, "Your show's not that good. You should just stick with standup."

Tom Segura 4:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 4:21 Bert the Cockroach.

Joe Rogan 4:22 Well, I just-

Bert Kreischer 4:22 Yeah, and-

Joe Rogan 4:22 ... knew that you were way better than that. I'm like, "You're not even doing your standup justice."

Bert Kreischer 4:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:28 Like, I'd see you do standup, but it's like you hadn't done it in five months. You'd been in fucking Thailand or some shit, swinging off of a tree by your dick.

Bert Kreischer 4:34 (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:34 On a roller coaster with some special people.

Joe Rogan 4:37 You were just... Also, I was worried you were gonna get killed.

Tom Segura 4:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:39 Like you were doing so many different things in so many different places. I called him up once, he was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 4:45 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:47 I was like, "What are you doing?" He's like, "I'm in Vietnam, I'm drunk, I'm on a motorcycle."

Tom Segura 4:50 He also learned all these...

Bert Kreischer 4:51 (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:52 He, he learned these un- completely unnecessary life skills.

Bert Kreischer 4:55 Yeah, yeah, that you can't apply-

Tom Segura 4:56 Like...

Bert Kreischer 4:56 ... to anything in life.

Tom Segura 4:56 Yeah, he'd be like, "Do you know how to ride a unicycle?" I'm like, "What?"

Bert Kreischer 4:59 (laughs)

Tom Segura 4:59 He's like, "I learned in Rome, I could do whatever I wanted now."

Joe Rogan 5:02 And then unicycle.

Bert Kreischer 5:02 (laughs)

Tom Segura 5:02 Yeah. Okay.

Joe Rogan 5:04 Is that harder than one of them hoverboards? What's harder?

Bert Kreischer 5:06 Oh, the... Uh, dude, those hoverboards for, in the, in the, uh, in the ocean?

Tom Segura 5:10 On the blimp?

Bert Kreischer 5:11 The...

Joe Rogan 5:11 No, no, I don't mean that. I mean, like, things that the kids roll around on. With the, that have the two wheels.

Bert Kreischer 5:14 Just the wheel in the middle and you get the... Oh, yes sir.

Joe Rogan 5:16 No, the wheel in the middle. Rich rebuilds, you know that, that YouTube channel? Do you know who he is?

Bert Kreischer 5:21 Uh-huh.

Tom Segura 5:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:21 Rich Benoit, he's a, he's a YouTube host and he also... He fixed his... He's like the first guy to ever build a Tesla. He bought a junked Tesla that somebody had let get flooded with water. And he's just a really smart guy and he's a tech guy, so he's like, "Okay, what the fuck is in that thing?"

Bert Kreischer 5:37 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 5:38 Like, "How do I fix this?" Like, so all the wires were fucked up, the battery was toast, so he bought a crashed one and he took the battery and the engine out of the crashed one and put it in the one that he owned and then rewired it, and went through this crazy process to get a Tesla to work that he eventually did. And now he has his own garage. It's what's called the Electric Garage in Massachusetts, where he rebuilds these Teslas.... but, uh, what was my point? Oh, he had one of those-

Ari Shaffir 6:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:05 ... with a big ass fat tire, where you're riding on it like a skateboard.

Ari Shaffir 6:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:09 That's hard.

Bert Kreischer 6:10 That looks hard.

Joe Rogan 6:11 That's hard to do.

Bert Kreischer 6:11 Y'all, it's, I almost killed someone on a, on a Segway one time. I was in Rome, and we were on Segways, and I was j- just screwing around, and then I just hopped off, and I didn't realize that when you hop off, if you're leaning forward, it st- it keeps going. And this thing started whipping around me, just (imitates noise) .

6:29 (laughs)

6:30 And we're in, like, a big piazza, and I let, just let go of it. Didn't hit anyone, but everyone around us was standing dead still, like, "Oh my God," I would've been bodied right there.

Joe Rogan 6:38 You're supposed to dive on it like a g- like a good hero.

Bert Kreischer 6:41 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 6:41 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 6:42 Do you know where to find those?

6:43 Or get a grenade. There's no way you're doing that.

6:44 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:44 You wouldn't dive on it?

Bert Kreischer 6:46 No way.

Joe Rogan 6:47 You'd have to take it for the team.

Bert Kreischer 6:48 He'd let 15 people die. (laughs)

6:51 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 6:51 Just walk out casually.

Bert Kreischer 6:53 "Does anyone know what happened?"

Ari Shaffir 6:54 "I don't know, what happened?"

Bert Kreischer 6:55 Those hover, those hoverboards that are actually jet skis where you go, like, 40 feet up in the air.

Joe Rogan 6:59 Oh, those are crazy.

Bert Kreischer 7:00 Those are fun as fuck.

7:01 Oh, I wanna see those.

Joe Rogan 7:02 That looks fucking cool.

Bert Kreischer 7:02 Those do look cool. I like the guys who, like, get it turned over, and like, no big de- and then it starts to go down, and they just with extra speed, just shoot into the fucking water.

Joe Rogan 7:11 What are those called?

Bert Kreischer 7:11 Uh, what are they, Je- uh-

7:12 The Widowmaker.

7:13 Dude.

7:14 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 7:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:15 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 7:15 Those things are fun as fuck.

7:17 Yeah.

7:17 Legit, yeah. I could do a back flip on one.

7:20 Like everything.

7:20 All you gotta do is, like, fall backwards and then kick your feet around. I picked up on that one quick.

Joe Rogan 7:25 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 7:25 Yeah, there's a lot of useless skills I have from Travel Channel.

Joe Rogan 7:28 Dude, you d- you traveled so much.

Bert Kreischer 7:30 Oh my God.

Ari Shaffir 7:31 They could almost-

Joe Rogan 7:31 I, it always bothered me. You know why it bothered me? Because I would've probably done it too if I was you.

Ari Shaffir 7:35 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 7:35 And I was like, "Goddammit, how do you get out of that?" 'Cause I know that feeling. Like, it's, you have the best job ever. You're on a TV show. You're like, "Oh my God, I have the best job ever."

Bert Kreischer 7:42 It is.

Ari Shaffir 7:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:42 "I'm a fuck, I'm on a fucking TV show." But yet you're still like, "Fuck, I gotta get out of this."

Bert Kreischer 7:47 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 7:48 It's weird, 'cause you do get to go to really cool places and get paid for it.

Joe Rogan 7:51 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 7:51 Yeah, that was cool.

Ari Shaffir 7:52 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 7:52 But you also, I mean, you weren't thrilled-

Ari Shaffir 7:54 It's the start of it, though.

Bert Kreischer 7:54 ... 'cause you missed standup more. Do you want it?

7:56 I missed, I missed standup. Well, what was happening is-

Ari Shaffir 7:58 It's the most fun.

Bert Kreischer 7:58 ... Tom's career was exploding at the time, the day I fell off a waterfall.

Ari Shaffir 8:04 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:04 Do you remember that?

8:05 Yeah.

8:05 I was in Aspen, and Push called me, and she's like, "I'm talking to Tom, and he's talking about these one-nighters, but I wanna do the Funny Bones." And I was so far removed from standup, I didn't even, I didn't even know you could do one-nighters. I didn't know that theaters were an option. And I think I was at a store a week later, and you were like, "You know, Tom's doing, like, legit theaters." And I, I remember just going, "I missed... What if I just missed it entirely?"

Joe Rogan 8:24 He could have, and some people do.

Bert Kreischer 8:27 Yeah, some people do.

Joe Rogan 8:27 We all know guys that were really funny back in the day, and then they somehow or another quit.

Ari Shaffir 8:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:32 It fell apart.

Bert Kreischer 8:33 Dude, what if you had l- been like, "I'm gonna lean into Travel Channel"?

8:35 Dude, I was. I was.

Joe Rogan 8:36 Or you could've-

Bert Kreischer 8:37 Yeah.

8:37 I was.

Joe Rogan 8:37 ... what if you became a Christian, like super Christian-

Ari Shaffir 8:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:39 ... got a cross ch- tattoo on your arm just to let them know-

Ari Shaffir 8:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:43 ... you're really down with them?

Ari Shaffir 8:44 I'm sure your reps told you all those things. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:46 (laughs)

8:46 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:46 Yeah, you gotta go to church. Go to church with a fucking golf shirt on.

Bert Kreischer 8:49 Oh, man.

8:49 Dude, when I got fired from Travel Channel, I'd, my world melted down. That was right when we were getting fat shamed. I was fa- getting fat shamed. Lance scheduled a, uh, a-

8:58 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 8:58 I don't care you say, "We were getting fat sha-"

Joe Rogan 8:59 Wait.

Ari Shaffir 8:59 ... as if you guys weren't-

Joe Rogan 9:00 Why are you saying-

Ari Shaffir 9:00 ... in on the fat shaming.

Joe Rogan 9:01 But you're saying that-

Bert Kreischer 9:02 Right. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 9:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:02 But hold on a second.

Ari Shaffir 9:02 Didn't happen to you.

Joe Rogan 9:03 You're saying, you're saying you were getting fat shamed, but y- you gotta let people know, like, you don't really believe in fat shaming. You weren't really getting fat shamed.

Ari Shaffir 9:11 He felt it. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:11 Hold on, no, no, no. At the, at the, at the time, it was very one-sided.

Joe Rogan 9:14 Do you really think that's a real thing?

Bert Kreischer 9:14 At the time I got fired from Travel Channel-

9:16 (laughs)

9:17 ... I was, I definitely was one-sided.

Ari Shaffir 9:18 Right.

Bert Kreischer 9:19 And I felt it hard as fuck.

Joe Rogan 9:20 He- your friend was fucking with you 'cause he was worried you were gonna die.

Ari Shaffir 9:23 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:23 He wanted Conan to do it, though.

Joe Rogan 9:25 That's what it was.

Bert Kreischer 9:25 Yes. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 9:25 You did it on a major platform.

Bert Kreischer 9:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:26 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 9:27 It wasn't, like, morning radio.

Bert Kreischer 9:28 (laughs)

9:29 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 9:29 It was... He was on another level. Like-

Bert Kreischer 9:31 He put it on his fucking special on Netflix.

Ari Shaffir 9:34 Dude, imagine taking on Conan appearances-

Bert Kreischer 9:36 (laughs)

9:36 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 9:36 ... which was massive at the time.

Joe Rogan 9:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 9:38 And you go, "Now I'm gonna use this for fun."

Bert Kreischer 9:40 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:40 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 9:40 "I'm not gonna try to promote myself."

Joe Rogan 9:41 It's funny.

Bert Kreischer 9:41 Um-

Joe Rogan 9:41 DJ Dad Mouth was my favorite character that anybody's ever brought to a morning TV show.

Ari Shaffir 9:44 Oh, thanks, man.

Bert Kreischer 9:45 With the maybe-

9:46 That... That was the-

Joe Rogan 9:46 When he used to do that.

Ari Shaffir 9:47 That was so fun.

Joe Rogan 9:48 I loved that you were doing that, because I hated those shows. I was like, "Why would he do those shows?"

Ari Shaffir 9:52 Morning TV is terrible.

Joe Rogan 9:52 But then when you'd do morning TV dressed up like a fake rapper, he's-

Ari Shaffir 9:56 She did. This lady.

Joe Rogan 9:56 ... for people who don't know, Segura created a character called DJ Dad Mouth, and he would just show up places, and the people did not know what the fuck to do with him, because the lowest rung in all of show business is morning television host.

Ari Shaffir 10:11 Local morning television.

Joe Rogan 10:11 I'm so sorry if you listen to this and you're a, a local morning television host. Look, I used to deliver newspapers, okay?

Ari Shaffir 10:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:17 They were all bad jobs.

Ari Shaffir 10:17 Way better than morning host.

Bert Kreischer 10:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 10:19 It's, it's one of the lowest rungs in all of show bus- it's a weird rung, where you're trapped.

Bert Kreischer 10:24 The worst.

Joe Rogan 10:24 It's like, it's like you're broadcasting out of, like, a Christian convenience store or something. It's very strange.

Bert Kreischer 10:30 The worst part too is the four of us plus, like, 90% of the acts working those clubs do not have a fan base watching that show.

Ari Shaffir 10:39 No way.

Bert Kreischer 10:39 You know what I mean?

Ari Shaffir 10:40 No way.

Bert Kreischer 10:40 (clears throat)

10:40 So you, you put it together, you're like, "This is definitely a waste of time." Like, "We're wasting our time right now."

Joe Rogan 10:46 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 10:46 And then if you, that's your only one that morning-

Bert Kreischer 10:48 Yeah, you're like-

Ari Shaffir 10:48 ... where like, "You woke me up at fucking 6:00 to do this?"

Bert Kreischer 10:50 To do Good Morning Hartford.

Ari Shaffir 10:52 Five-minute angry...

Bert Kreischer 10:53 It only works when you, when you get in trouble.

10:56 Yeah.

10:56 Like, who'd you get... Like, I, I remember one time I got shirtless and went up in, in the, in the weather and started saying, "There's thunderstorms."

11:03 Yeah.

11:03 Tom did DJ... Have you ever seen Mark Normand's-

Ari Shaffir 11:05 Mark Normand's is great.

Bert Kreischer 11:06 ... when he just goes up, and he, she goes, "How you doing?" He goes, "Kinda gay, let's get this started. Hungover, horny."

11:11 (laughs)

11:11 "Look at you."

Ari Shaffir 11:12 (screams)

Bert Kreischer 11:12 I mean, he just destroys, but totally ruined it, the relationship for the club.

Ari Shaffir 11:17 That's-

Bert Kreischer 11:17 Really?

Joe Rogan 11:17 Did he really?

Bert Kreischer 11:18 100%.

Ari Shaffir 11:19 No, I went in there afterwards.

Joe Rogan 11:20 How about Tracy Morgan?

Ari Shaffir 11:21 Tracy Morgan's-

Bert Kreischer 11:21 Dude.

Ari Shaffir 11:21 ... was my first one. He was-

Bert Kreischer 11:23 Yeah, that's the fucking legendary one.

11:25 The best. "We're gonna get pregga up in here."

11:26 That's the one where he talks, uh-

Joe Rogan 11:27 Yeah, he's like-

Bert Kreischer 11:27 "Some of them gonna get pregnant."

11:28 ... "Horace Grant, holla."

Ari Shaffir 11:30 You hear that? Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 11:30 (laughs)

11:30 He, he starts having... That's my mating call.

Ari Shaffir 11:33 Yeah, that was-

Bert Kreischer 11:34 But they're dying.

11:34 Oh.

11:34 They are dying.

Ari Shaffir 11:35 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 11:36 When he does that big one in Chi- he, he was in Chicago for sure, 'cause I know he kept hollering at bulls to, to give him a... (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 11:42 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 11:42 Of course.

11:42 Like in the middle of it.

Joe Rogan 11:42 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 11:43 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 11:43 And yeah.

11:44 "Horse grit, come on."

11:44 He just crashed-

Ari Shaffir 11:45 Tom Gr- yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:46 He, he just crashed his $2 million Bugatti today.

Bert Kreischer 11:49 Today?

Joe Rogan 11:49 Yep. A Honda sideswiped him.

Bert Kreischer 11:52 Whoa.

11:53 Oh.

Joe Rogan 11:53 In Hell's Kitchen.

Ari Shaffir 11:54 He got him, I got hit by a, he got hit by a Walmart truck.

Joe Rogan 11:56 Some dirty Honda-driving savage ran into a $2 million Italian sports car.

Ari Shaffir 12:02 Damn.

Bert Kreischer 12:02 I saw, I did a show with him, uh, like a year and a half ago, one of the Oddball shows. And he came in a all-white Rolls-Royce with a...... profess- like, with a driver. You know, like a chauffeur?

Tom Segura 12:14 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 12:14 And he came in all white and had, like, a- a- a fucking enormous gold chain with a medallion-

Tom Segura 12:22 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 12:22 ... TM, and I was like, "That chain looks crazy." He's like, "Like, $600,000." Some, some crazy shit.

Tom Segura 12:26 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 12:27 This is today.

Tom Segura 12:28 Dude, look at this.

Joe Rogan 12:28 Yeah, look at this.

Tom Segura 12:29 He's earning it.

Joe Rogan 12:29 Look at this guy sideswipe Tracy Morgan's convertible-

Bert Kreischer 12:32 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 12:32 ... $2 million Bugatti.

Tom Segura 12:34 What?

Bert Kreischer 12:35 He's letting people know.

Joe Rogan 12:36 Well, in the- in the Honda's-

Tom Segura 12:37 What's he even wearing?

Ari Shaffir 12:39 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 12:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 12:40 ... defense ... (laughs) The g- in the Honda's defense, it's a very low car. He has a high car. He probably looked over, saw nothing.

Tom Segura 12:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 12:45 Fuck you.

Joe Rogan 12:46 Didn't know it was the car that was, like, two feet off the ground.

Bert Kreischer 12:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:48 It's such a small car.

Bert Kreischer 12:50 What do you think-

Joe Rogan 12:50 Those cars are so hard to see if you're right next to them.

Bert Kreischer 12:52 What does that dude's insurance say when he calls?

Joe Rogan 12:54 "You what?"

Tom Segura 12:55 (laughs) "I don't know if we can cover this." Like, oh, you're covering it.

Joe Rogan 12:58 "You dumb fuck." It probably, that will probably be, like, the final straw.

Bert Kreischer 13:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:02 Probably kick him off the contract.

Bert Kreischer 13:03 Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Tom Segura 13:04 Was that Tracy Morgan interview, that was kind of a, had to be an inspiration doing the DJ Dad Mouth, right? To me, that was the first one I remember, like, "Whoa."

Bert Kreischer 13:10 I- I guess, I mean, like-

Joe Rogan 13:11 Right, 'cause someone could fuck with them.

Bert Kreischer 13:12 You could fuck with him in that way.

Joe Rogan 13:13 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 13:13 Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, (clears throat) it was funny because some people would be really into having fun with you, like the Tracy Morgan people, where they laugh and they have a good time. And then some people let me, like, I could see how a club-

Tom Segura 13:25 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 13:25 ... relationship could be. 'Cause-

Tom Segura 13:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:27 ... we left one of the clubs when I told them I was coming out as non-binary.

Tom Segura 13:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:31 And the lady was like, "What?" This is, like, on the air. And I was like, "There's different genders." Um, and she was like, "All right," and she just turned to the TV.

Joe Rogan 13:39 (inhales deeply)

Bert Kreischer 13:39 And she was like, "Ugh."

Joe Rogan 13:40 She just wasn't into it.

Bert Kreischer 13:41 And then she called and, like, like, we called the- the PR person that drove us to the club. Or to the venue.

Tom Segura 13:46 Didn't realize she's in the car with you still.

Bert Kreischer 13:47 Yeah, and she goes, "What the fuck was that?" She was like, "That was, that guy is so weird. Don't bring stuff like that in here."

Tom Segura 13:54 (screams)

Joe Rogan 13:54 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:54 I was like, "That's the whole point. We don't wanna come in here."

Joe Rogan 13:56 They- they think that what they're doing is serious. "We're providing a wonderful morning show for downtown Pittsburgh."

Bert Kreischer 14:03 You're showing them how to make-

Tom Segura 14:04 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 14:04 ... fucking-

Tom Segura 14:05 I tried.

Bert Kreischer 14:05 ... pastrami sandwiches.

Tom Segura 14:06 Yeah, exactly.

Joe Rogan 14:07 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 14:07 It's like, it's so, so dumb.

Joe Rogan 14:08 "What a, what a great sandwich."

Bert Kreischer 14:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:10 "Hey, thanks a lot."

Tom Segura 14:11 "We've got- we've got this Christian youth group's-"

Joe Rogan 14:12 "Thanks for coming down here."

Tom Segura 14:13 "... gonna sing for us next."

Joe Rogan 14:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 14:14 I tried shitting on him the last time I went to Cleveland. It was a normal ... That's why I know the relationship's still fine. Um, but I was like, there was a doctor before me. I was like, "Why does he wear his fucking doctor outfit to do this?"

Bert Kreischer 14:23 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 14:23 On the way out, he put a sweater on and left.

Bert Kreischer 14:25 (laughs)

Tom Segura 14:26 Why can't that be him? And the guy's like, "I don't know."

Joe Rogan 14:28 It's-

Bert Kreischer 14:28 (laughs) It feels like you're stepping into, like, Truman Show stuff.

Tom Segura 14:30 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 14:31 It's so contrived.

Tom Segura 14:32 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 14:32 There's nothing real about it.

Tom Segura 14:32 Especially when there's, like, a, a 22-year-old PA or- or sh- associate producer. One time I went in and I said, "Yeah, I'm already drunk from doing radio, I go, "Just put the mic on my necklace." And she goes, "Why?" I go, "I'm gonna take my shirt off." She goes, "Uh, you will not be doing that." And I said, "You don't tell me what to do."

Joe Rogan 14:47 (laughs)

Tom Segura 14:47 She was like, "Excuse me, I'll be right back," and then came back and she goes, "What is in your cup?" And I said, "Whiskey."

Joe Rogan 14:53 (laughs)

Tom Segura 14:53 And she was like, "He's drinking, he's drinking."

Joe Rogan 14:56 She told on you?

Tom Segura 14:57 Oh my God, and I was just like, I was like, "We should probably leave."

Joe Rogan 15:00 So you just left?

Tom Segura 15:01 I just left. I was like, "I don't wanna get anyone fired."

Joe Rogan 15:03 She's telling you you can't take your shirt off. It's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 15:06 Or have a drink.

Tom Segura 15:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:07 Or have a drink.

Tom Segura 15:08 I love how it's like she's telling you, like, she found something out. You're like, "I was pouring it in front of everybody."

Joe Rogan 15:12 (laughs)

Tom Segura 15:12 "Like, I just need so- I don't wanna drink outta the bottle." I don't want-

Joe Rogan 15:14 She thinks she's at an insurance company.

Bert Kreischer 15:16 Yeah.

Tom Segura 15:17 It's hilarious when people don't know what job they're in-

Bert Kreischer 15:19 If-

Tom Segura 15:19 ... and try to take it more seriously.

Bert Kreischer 15:20 If one of those morning shows fucked off, like the way we're talking about, it'd be like the best morning show.

Tom Segura 15:24 It'd be great.

Joe Rogan 15:24 It would be so much better than what I'm doing.

Bert Kreischer 15:25 Oh.

Tom Segura 15:25 Tom Green had a great, great, what I'm remembering now-

Joe Rogan 15:27 He's got his.

Tom Segura 15:27 ... back when he was, like, public access-

Bert Kreischer 15:29 Yeah.

Tom Segura 15:29 ... and he was trying to promote his public access-

Joe Rogan 15:31 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 15:31 It became The Tom Green Show, and he just took over.

Joe Rogan 15:33 He did some crazy shit, man.

Tom Segura 15:35 Ties in the face, yeah, exactly.

Joe Rogan 15:36 You know what's amazing is, like, him and then that other dude, Jamie Kennedy. They did their best shit where they were, like, pranking people.

Tom Segura 15:43 Jackass.

Joe Rogan 15:43 And then they just stopped.

Bert Kreischer 15:45 Yeah. Man, but Tom's blew up so crazy, man.

Joe Rogan 15:48 So crazy.

Bert Kreischer 15:49 That-

Tom Segura 15:49 T- when Tom Green was on, I couldn't ... It- it was stuff I couldn't even believe.

Bert Kreischer 15:53 Tom Green did Oprah.

Joe Rogan 15:55 (sighs) Wow.

Tom Segura 15:56 Did he really?

Bert Kreischer 15:57 Oprah. Yes, Oprah was like, "We're gonna ..." Like, this, it was such a phenomena, what was going on. Show was so big.

Tom Segura 16:02 He milked a cow with his mouth.

Bert Kreischer 16:04 Yeah. Put- he put "Slutmobile" on his dad's, the hood of his car.

Tom Segura 16:06 Oh my God, on his parents ... And then hid in the bushes.

Bert Kreischer 16:10 Yeah.

Tom Segura 16:10 He didn't just like, "Let me fuck a dozen random people." Like, "My mommy and daddy."

Joe Rogan 16:13 Did people forget? Did people forget Tom Green? What happened?

Tom Segura 16:17 People forgot.

Bert Kreischer 16:17 No, he, but he's-

Tom Segura 16:18 No, he got bowel cancer, had to take a break.

Joe Rogan 16:19 (clears throat) Yeah.

Tom Segura 16:19 Came back and tried to do, like, a more serious show with, uh, Humperdink. What's this guy's name? His helper.

Joe Rogan 16:24 But what I'm saying is, people forgot how big it used to be.

Tom Segura 16:26 Yeah, yeah, people forgot. People forgot.

Bert Kreischer 16:26 Oh, they- they may have forgotten how big it was, yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:28 Well, what he, in all fairness-

Tom Segura 16:29 Tom Green was th- one of the man.

Joe Rogan 16:30 Giant.

Bert Kreischer 16:30 What he did was-

Tom Segura 16:31 Giant.

Bert Kreischer 16:31 ... he did what we're all doing way before any of us, but it was when bandwidth was too expensive.

Joe Rogan 16:36 Right.

Bert Kreischer 16:36 He did-

Tom Segura 16:37 Oh, yes.

Bert Kreischer 16:37 ... he had his own podcast.

Joe Rogan 16:37 I did it.

Tom Segura 16:38 You did?

Joe Rogan 16:39 I did it at his house. It was part of the inspiration for me doing one.

Tom Segura 16:41 Yeah, and- and- and-

Bert Kreischer 16:42 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 16:42 ... I even talked to his c- ... Yes. I even talked to his company. They were based in Denver. I was in Denver doing the Comedy Works, and I talked to the company that was doing it for him, and I was seriously considering doing something like that. But the problem was that it, like, the bandwidth was crazy expensive. He had c- cables running from the desk all the way through his living room into a server room. He had a server room.

Tom Segura 17:02 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 17:02 At his house.

Joe Rogan 17:03 And it was crazy.

Tom Segura 17:04 How-

Joe Rogan 17:04 I had to go, "How much money is involved in this?" He's like, "A fuck load of money."

Tom Segura 17:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:07 And he goes like, "I have to have all these people running it too." That was Tom Green's.

Bert Kreischer 17:10 Oh, shit.

Joe Rogan 17:10 That's me and Tom Green.

Tom Segura 17:11 God.

Joe Rogan 17:11 And he, so he, what essentially it was was he decided to try to do a talk show host. Just-

Tom Segura 17:17 I remember that Joe Rogan, the fucking long sleeve under the short sleeve.

Ari Shaffir 17:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 17:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:20 That was my look, bro.

Tom Segura 17:21 That Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan 17:22 Yeah, my look for a while.

Tom Segura 17:23 (laughs) With the torn jeans. You were like, "I'm not committing to Hollywood."

Joe Rogan 17:27 "I'm giving up. (laughs) I give up."

Tom Segura 17:29 He had a, he ... That was all based on one-

Joe Rogan 17:31 That's crazy.

Tom Segura 17:31 ... one switch he had in his house.

Joe Rogan 17:33 I know.

Bert Kreischer 17:33 Yeah.

Tom Segura 17:33 He'd just go on and flip a switch and the show went on and went live.

Joe Rogan 17:36 So me and Redband looked at it, and we were like, "Well, how much is involved in this? Like, what would we have to do to do something like this?" And then, you know, eventually, it s- it just led to ... But that and Kumia. Anthony Cumia was a-

Tom Segura 17:48 Kumia did his own thing?

Joe Rogan 17:48 ... that was a big one.

Tom Segura 17:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:50 He had that live from the compound in his basement. And then the way that Opie and Anthony ran their show was an inspiration too, because it was just a hangout, and it was my favorite show to listen to.

Tom Segura 17:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:59 'Cause it was just a bunch of guys hanging out, talking. I was like, "That's, like, that's what I wanna do."

Tom Segura 18:04 Four hours of them eating oatmeal. I remember they'd just eat oatmeal.

Joe Rogan 18:07 Really?

Tom Segura 18:07 And then you'd be like ... Oh yeah, I was a big fan back then.

Joe Rogan 18:10 On their show they would eat oatmeal?

Bert Kreischer 18:11 (laughs)

Tom Segura 18:12 Oh, y- you'd tune in early-

Joe Rogan 18:14 On O&A?

Tom Segura 18:14 ... and they'd be eating f-

Joe Rogan 18:14 Smacking on it.

Tom Segura 18:15 On O&A and they'd just be eating breakfast.

Joe Rogan 18:16 Oh, God.

Tom Segura 18:16 And just going, Jim would take a shit and be gone for 30 minutes.

Joe Rogan 18:19 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 18:19 'Cause he didn't have any ... At the b- when they first started- Fat Jim. Fat Jim Norton.

Bert Kreischer 18:22 They didn't have ... Fat Jim Norton.

Joe Rogan 18:23 Back in the day. Back in the day.

Tom Segura 18:24 Yeah. They didn't have any advertisers, so they had to fill four hours of content. So they literally ... I mean, all-

Bert Kreischer 18:30 What?

Tom Segura 18:30 ... everything went.... yeah, when they first started on Sirius XM, they had to fill four hours of content.

Bert Kreischer 18:35 Oh, yeah, no commercials back then.

Tom Segura 18:36 There was no commercials. That was the pitch.

Joe Rogan 18:37 Isn't that crazy that Sirius said, "Hey, we don't have commercials."

Tom Segura 18:41 You pay for it.

Joe Rogan 18:42 And then, you pay for it.

Bert Kreischer 18:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:43 And then they just started-

Bert Kreischer 18:44 And that's, okay.

Joe Rogan 18:44 ... selling commercials. Like, wait a minute, aren't I fucking paying for this?

Bert Kreischer 18:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 18:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:48 And you got commercials too?

Tom Segura 18:49 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 18:50 That's 'cause Howard gotta get that paper, dude.

Tom Segura 18:52 It's weird when people at the helm have no fucking integrity.

Joe Rogan 18:55 He gets caked up.

Bert Kreischer 18:56 Uh, goes down-

Joe Rogan 18:56 He gets caked up. He gets caked up still.

Bert Kreischer 18:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:57 No matter how m- I mean, he's, he's locked up in a contract for, for Lizife, son.

Bert Kreischer 19:02 Well, I thought he was about to retire.

Joe Rogan 19:03 I thought, I thought it was about to come up.

Bert Kreischer 19:04 To be honest with-

Joe Rogan 19:04 Whatever, he wants more money, I'm sure.

Bert Kreischer 19:06 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 19:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:06 That's what Howard would do, you know? I mean, but he makes an ass load of money.

Bert Kreischer 19:10 Yeah.

Tom Segura 19:11 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 19:11 You know? And that, there's no one even close. There's no one even second-

Bert Kreischer 19:15 No, dude.

Joe Rogan 19:15 No, second place is, is distant.

Bert Kreischer 19:16 He is huge, like, he's a huge shareholder.

Tom Segura 19:19 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 19:19 Do you remember that lawsuit too? They're like, "If we can get over," let's say the number was 100 million subscribers, "I get this gigantic bonus."

Joe Rogan 19:25 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 19:25 And then they bought-

Joe Rogan 19:26 Sirius.

Bert Kreischer 19:27 ... Sirius.

Joe Rogan 19:28 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 19:28 And they're like, "That took us from 60, plus another 40 is 100, so I get it." He goes, he's like, "No, we acquired that."

Joe Rogan 19:33 Is he- Yeah (coughs) .

Bert Kreischer 19:33 And he goes, "Nah, pay me, motherfuckers." Pay me, yeah. And I don't know what happened with him, but-

Joe Rogan 19:37 Well, but I think-

Bert Kreischer 19:37 ... fucking true move right there (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 19:39 His move-

Bert Kreischer 19:40 Respect. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:40 I think his, his respec- you guys are done with the beef?

Bert Kreischer 19:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:43 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 19:43 I don't have beef with him, I just think he should retire. But anyway-

Tom Segura 19:46 How dare he? (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 19:46 The point is, the point is this, the point is he did a good thing for this.

Joe Rogan 19:49 But he, e- basically what he was saying was that the only reason that deal took place at all was because he was on ... Was it Sirius or XM? He was Sirius-

Bert Kreischer 19:58 He was Sirius, they were XM.

Joe Rogan 20:00 And then he bought XM, right, right, right.

Bert Kreischer 20:01 Opie and Anthony were XM, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:02 So, the only reason why Sirius was kicking ass at all was 'cause of Howard fucking Stern, period.

Bert Kreischer 20:06 Right, right.

Tom Segura 20:07 There was nothing on Sirius other than him.

Bert Kreischer 20:08 Not when he started it.

Joe Rogan 20:09 So, yeah, they wouldn't have acquired-

Tom Segura 20:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:11 ... they wouldn't have acquired XM.

Bert Kreischer 20:11 And also the, the model was like so, you know, suspect at the time. You're like, you're gonna leave terrestrial radio-

Tom Segura 20:18 Like, who the fuck is going to pay for radio?

Bert Kreischer 20:18 Right. ... and go to a place where people have to pay for what they just turn on?

Joe Rogan 20:20 He deserves it.

Bert Kreischer 20:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:21 Here's why.

Tom Segura 20:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:22 No one else could've carried that-

Bert Kreischer 20:24 No way.

Joe Rogan 20:25 ... thing, no one else.

Bert Kreischer 20:25 He was radio. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:26 He l- and especially at that time, during that transition to satellite, no one else would've got people to commit to having a fucking satellite dish in your car. Remember you had those stupid fucking antennas-

Bert Kreischer 20:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:37 ... that you used to have to put in your car to get, to get Sirius?

Bert Kreischer 20:40 The wire went all the way through your car?

Joe Rogan 20:41 Yeah, it was gross.

Bert Kreischer 20:42 Oh, my God.

Joe Rogan 20:42 This fucking stupid thing that would stick up like a pigtail out of the roof of your car. Remember those?

Bert Kreischer 20:46 And that shit, yeah, yeah, and how it would cut out for, like-

Joe Rogan 20:50 All the time.

Bert Kreischer 20:50 ... every, you turn any corner, you know?

Joe Rogan 20:51 Anytime there was a building in New York City-

Bert Kreischer 20:53 Dude, any building, any fucking tunnel.

Joe Rogan 20:54 ... anytime something blocked it, any tunnel, it was dead, and still-

Bert Kreischer 20:57 The city that it existed in.

Joe Rogan 20:58 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 20:59 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:59 Whatever money that country, that company makes, the only reason it's still in business-

Bert Kreischer 21:03 'Cause of Howard Stern.

Joe Rogan 21:04 ... is 'cause of Howard Stern.

Bert Kreischer 21:04 For sure.

Joe Rogan 21:04 Only reason.

Bert Kreischer 21:05 Yeah, for sure.

Joe Rogan 21:07 That's it.

Bert Kreischer 21:07 I agree, yeah.

Tom Segura 21:09 I had XM, and it was, uh, until Bennington and Opie and Anthony showed up, it was painful. I would listen to yacht rock.

Joe Rogan 21:15 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 21:16 Oh, yeah, it was cool though, like '90s rock. Three different channels of that.

Joe Rogan 21:19 100 different channels, it was-

Bert Kreischer 21:20 Awesome.

Joe Rogan 21:20 Yeah, it was worth a dollar a year.

Bert Kreischer 21:22 Bennington's the best, dude.

Joe Rogan 21:23 Beno- he was great.

Tom Segura 21:24 But he was so good.

Bert Kreischer 21:24 He's the best.

Tom Segura 21:25 Dude, the, he's been doing on stage lately, and he did my storytelling show too recently, did the same thing, just talking about the good old days of fucking drug addiction in New York.

Bert Kreischer 21:32 Oh, he used to get down, dude.

Tom Segura 21:33 He describes this city that you're like, "Oh my God, I wanna be there."

Bert Kreischer 21:37 When I-

Joe Rogan 21:37 He used to get down.

Bert Kreischer 21:38 When my favorite-

Joe Rogan 21:38 When did you, when did you go? What year?

Tom Segura 21:40 What?

Joe Rogan 21:40 First time in the city.

Tom Segura 21:41 I went, I left, I went there six years, oh, first time I've ever been there?

Joe Rogan 21:44 Yeah.

Tom Segura 21:45 Oh, like-

Joe Rogan 21:45 Did you see Times Square when it was Times Square?

Tom Segura 21:47 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I d- I was like, "What's that woman wearing a bra?" (laughs) Like, just a bra.

Bert Kreischer 21:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:52 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:52 My mom was like, "Eh, whatever."

Joe Rogan 21:54 Isn't it crazy that what they did to Times Square, they turned Times Square into, like, like a-

Bert Kreischer 21:56 It's gross now.

Joe Rogan 21:57 ... a Disney mall.

Bert Kreischer 21:58 It is.

Tom Segura 21:58 It's disgusting.

Bert Kreischer 21:59 It's, it's, it's New York's version of, like, of, like-

Joe Rogan 22:01 It's weird.

Bert Kreischer 22:01 ... Disneyland, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:02 It's weird.

Tom Segura 22:02 It's disgusting.

Bert Kreischer 22:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:03 But it's-

Bert Kreischer 22:03 And it's a nightmare whenever you're visiting, and all s- you know, you, like when you're visiting, you're in a car.

Joe Rogan 22:08 Uh-huh.

Bert Kreischer 22:09 "Hey, we need to go to this." And all of a sudden you look up, and you're like, "Are we in fucking Times Squ-" Like, you're just driving through it.

Joe Rogan 22:14 Right.

Bert Kreischer 22:14 I'm like, "We gotta get outta here, man."

Joe Rogan 22:15 Right.

Bert Kreischer 22:15 Like, the-

Joe Rogan 22:16 It's weird.

Bert Kreischer 22:16 ... the chaos, the pe-

Joe Rogan 22:17 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 22:17 And it's just like, it's too commercialized.

Joe Rogan 22:19 Yeah.

Tom Segura 22:19 It's so commercial for no reason.

Bert Kreischer 22:21 And it's just, it's ter- it feels like you're-

Joe Rogan 22:22 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 22:22 ... everything that makes New York amazing is, like, gone when you're in Times Square.

Tom Segura 22:25 God, I'm gonna use it as a funny joke about it.

Joe Rogan 22:26 You wanna do it?

Tom Segura 22:26 That he'd go for a meeting, and then, like, you're walking and people are just looking up, and he's like, "Why is that? Oh, it's like, oh fuck, I'm in Times Square!"

Joe Rogan 22:31 Yeah.

Tom Segura 22:31 "Fuck!"

Bert Kreischer 22:32 Who says that?

Tom Segura 22:33 Jim Gaffigan.

Bert Kreischer 22:33 Oh, that's funny.

Joe Rogan 22:34 That's funny, that's funny.

Bert Kreischer 22:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:35 Well, it's like, uh, it's, it's very Vegas-esque. It's like-

Bert Kreischer 22:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:39 ... walking down the strip.

Bert Kreischer 22:40 Yes, it is. It's like the-

Joe Rogan 22:41 Where the lights and the, the, the-

Bert Kreischer 22:42 It's all con- it's fake. ... the LEDs and all that.

Tom Segura 22:44 Right, there's no, there's no M&M's ... That's not where it was invented.

Bert Kreischer 22:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:46 No.

Tom Segura 22:46 So why is there a giant M&M's store?

Joe Rogan 22:48 And when you kn- used to know what it was like with, like, peep shows and XXX everywhere, and it was, it was seedy and weird.

Bert Kreischer 22:54 Yeah.

Tom Segura 22:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:55 But every-

Tom Segura 22:55 Dangerous.

Joe Rogan 22:56 Yeah, it was dangerous, like legitimately dangerous. You, you, you, you get robbed.

Bert Kreischer 22:59 I mean, the worst time was '70s, '80s, right? That was, like, the worst crime time? Late '70s into the, to the mid to late '80s.

Joe Rogan 23:06 I was hanging out in New York in the '80s when I was ... That was my pool hustling days, and, uh, I was doing a lot of gigs. I guess it wasn't the '80s. It was the '90s, the early '90s.

Bert Kreischer 23:17 '90s.

Joe Rogan 23:17 'Cause by '91 was I think the first time I ever performed in New York, '91 or maybe '92.

Bert Kreischer 23:22 Damn, really?

Joe Rogan 23:22 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 23:23 Well, this is, like, you're just starting out though, kind of, I guess.

Tom Segura 23:25 You were at Amsterdam Billiards then?

Joe Rogan 23:26 (clears throat) Yes.

Tom Segura 23:27 Was it, what was the s-

Joe Rogan 23:27 No, it was Chelsea, Chelsea Billiards.

Tom Segura 23:29 Okay.

Joe Rogan 23:29 Chelsea Billiards was where ... We would go to Amsterdam, but Amsterdam was on the west side back then. It was on Amsterdam.

Tom Segura 23:34 Oh, it moved.

Joe Rogan 23:35 That's why it was called Amsterdam Billiards.

Bert Kreischer 23:36 (laughs)

Tom Segura 23:36 That makes sense.

Joe Rogan 23:37 It was on the west side, it was an awesome place. I played-

Bert Kreischer 23:39 That's why we're going to Amsterdam.

Joe Rogan 23:40 That's where I became friends with Dom Irrera. Played pool with him in '94 at Amsterdam Billiards. I didn't know he played. Like, when I went and meet a pool player, like a comic who actually plays.

Tom Segura 23:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:48 I'm like, "Dom could play."

Bert Kreischer 23:49 He called me today. I can't wait. We're gonna podcast, so excited about this.

Joe Rogan 23:51 I love that guy, I love him so much. But, uh, New York was a different place, man. I was around a lot of these, like, weirdo, homeless grifter type characters who-

Bert Kreischer 24:00 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 24:00 ... a lot of dudes who get arrested for doing three card monte. Like, the pool hall was like-

Bert Kreischer 24:05 Oh. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:05 ... the best education of, like, street culture, like people who live on the street, I mean.

Bert Kreischer 24:10 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 24:10 Pe- home, peop- people who are basically homeless, like sometimes just to here or there.

Bert Kreischer 24:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:14 Like my friend Johnny was always, like, staying at people's ... He stayed at my house for sometimes, he would stay in these weird little hostels and flop houses in New York, and places that didn't have a roof, like you'd have walls but there would be, like, no roof-

Tom Segura 24:25 Okay.

Joe Rogan 24:25 ... so, like, everybody could hear everybody.

Bert Kreischer 24:26 Du- I remember, like, be- as a kid in that era, the perception that you had of New York is, like, this is nothing but crime.

Joe Rogan 24:34 Right.

Bert Kreischer 24:34 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:34 Uh-huh.

Bert Kreischer 24:34 Like they would just say, "This is dangerous. You're not allowed to go."

Joe Rogan 24:36 Wow, Giuliani, you know, he clamped down on all that shit.

Tom Segura 24:39 I remember when I, when I moved and I, I, I found a place and I came back to get my stuff and I told Neal Brennan, I was like, "I don't think they have bars on my back window. Do I need that?" And he goes, "Oh, dude, read the crime stats. It's, it's a different city now."

Bert Kreischer 24:49 ... it's just not that city anymore.

Ari Shaffir 24:51 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:51 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 24:51 I lived there in '97, and it was nothing.

Tom Segura 24:53 It's the safest big city in the world.

Ari Shaffir 24:53 It was already safe then.

Bert Kreischer 24:54 '97, (laughs) I was ... I, I mean, I don't remember any crime whatso- ... Although I did get taken to three-card monte a number of times.

Ari Shaffir 25:00 (laughs) But they didn't force you. They just wanted you to go.

Tom Segura 25:02 Woo-hoo. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 25:02 (laughs)

Tom Segura 25:02 Right? Isn't that hilarious?

Bert Kreischer 25:02 Anytime, anytime I saw three-card monte, I ... You know my brain, I'm like, "I fucking got this."

Ari Shaffir 25:05 (laughs)

Tom Segura 25:06 (laughs) Right. Isn't that hilarious?

Bert Kreischer 25:06 Fucking put money down. Dude, I ... Uh, so that and they used to have this game where they had a, a nail, and a piece of board, and you had a hammer. And you had three shots to get the nail in.

Tom Segura 25:15 They, they have that in Thailand all over.

Bert Kreischer 25:16 Dude, I do that e- every fucking time.

Tom Segura 25:19 So hard.

Ari Shaffir 25:19 This ... There were so many hustlers.

Bert Kreischer 25:20 It's so hard, man.

Ari Shaffir 25:21 There's so many hustlers, right? Back in those days in New York.

Bert Kreischer 25:25 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:25 So many people trying to get off some kinda scam.

Tom Segura 25:28 (sniffs) Yeah. I've got ... I've been scammed by a driver in New York. How? What?

Ari Shaffir 25:32 Like, this was not even that long ago. I mean, it was probably, like-

Bert Kreischer 25:35 (sighs)

Ari Shaffir 25:35 ... seven, eight years where ... No, like, you get in the cab, and you're, like ... You know, if you don't live there, but you kinda know, like, the layout, you're just, like, basically, "I wanna go up, uh, you know, 20 blocks this way," right? And the guy just goes across town and starts going up, like, the opposite highway-

Tom Segura 25:52 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:52 ... like, from where we were. I'm like, "Which ... What are we doing exactly?"

Tom Segura 25:56 (laughs) This is already ... 'Cause you can track yourself on your phone.

Ari Shaffir 25:58 Yeah, I'm just looking at it, like, "What are we doing?" He's like, "We're going up to the ..." I go, "Couldn't you have just gone up that avenue that we were on?" And he was like, "I don't know what's going on, man."

Tom Segura 26:05 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:05 I'm like ... I go, "Well, this is fucking outrageous." And then when we pull up, I see, like, the meter going, going. I'm like, "This is crazy." That was supposed to be a, a 10-minute drive, and it's taking 40 minutes. He goes, "Just pay me what- whatever you wanna pay me."

Tom Segura 26:17 What?

Ari Shaffir 26:17 Yeah. And I go, "Okay." Yeah, and I go, "Okay." He knew you were gonna say that. So I go ... Like, the, the, the thing said, like, $68, and I was like, "Here's 20 bucks." He's like, "That's it?" I go, "You, you said where- you wanna pay, it's what I wanna pay."

Tom Segura 26:29 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:29 So-

Tom Segura 26:30 What? (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 26:30 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:30 ... I'll see you, man. Yeah. But it was ... He, he was totally-

Tom Segura 26:33 And you were cool with it?

Ari Shaffir 26:34 Yeah, because he totally did fuck me.

Tom Segura 26:36 He scammed you.

Ari Shaffir 26:36 Yeah, yeah. He scammed you.

Tom Segura 26:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:37 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:38 I did that in Israel once, in Jerusalem, when I got there. I took a ... I was like, "Take me to Bnei Brak." And it was ... I didn't realize I was three blocks over. He c- he could've just told me like, "Oh, it's right there, dude."

Ari Shaffir 26:48 Right. Of course.

Tom Segura 26:48 But instead he took me around the city, and then let me off.

Ari Shaffir 26:51 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:51 And then when I wanted to go home afterwards, I was like, "What? It's right here."

Ari Shaffir 26:56 Yeah.

Tom Segura 26:56 (laughs) Fuck.

Ari Shaffir 26:56 That's how you find out.

Tom Segura 26:57 Yeah, that's how you find out.

Ari Shaffir 26:57 I found out on my way on that cab ride because I started texting people at the next place. I was like, "I was just leaving here, and I'm going to see you. Should I be on the fucking-"

Tom Segura 27:06 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:07 "... highway?"

Tom Segura 27:07 "Do I need my passport?"

Ari Shaffir 27:08 Yeah, and they're like, "No."

Tom Segura 27:10 So you didn't speak Spanish in that moment?

Ari Shaffir 27:12 Uh, he was, uh-

Tom Segura 27:13 Russian?

Ari Shaffir 27:13 Not from one of those places.

Tom Segura 27:14 See, I would've taken, I would've taken ... I would've gone right to Spanish. Gone to a language that makes me feel powerful.

Ari Shaffir 27:19 Nigerian.

Tom Segura 27:20 I got pick-pocketed in, uh-

Ari Shaffir 27:22 Nigerian.

Tom Segura 27:22 ... in Florence, and I went into Russian. Everything, every word I knew in Russian, I yelled at the guy, and he ran. 'Cause he was like, "I don't know what I'm doing."

Bert Kreischer 27:28 He's like, "Russians are fucking animals."

Ari Shaffir 27:30 You should've yelled out, "America, you fucking traitor."

Bert Kreischer 27:33 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:33 You should've yelled out, "America," and take your fucking shirt off, and said, "I'm the machine," and started running after him.

Tom Segura 27:38 Trump motherfucker won.

Ari Shaffir 27:39 Yeah, what's up with that, bro?

Bert Kreischer 27:39 And then my wife yells, "They'll find me. He's scared, more scared of you than you are now."

Tom Segura 27:43 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:43 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 27:43 He doesn't do cocaine. He doesn't do cocaine.

Tom Segura 27:44 He doesn't do cocaine.

Ari Shaffir 27:45 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 27:45 He's afraid of cocaine. He has high blood pressure.

Ari Shaffir 27:47 Ah, that's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 27:49 Oh my God.

Tom Segura 27:49 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:49 You should write that down. You should write that down.

Tom Segura 27:52 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:52 You should write that whole thing down about you talking about on the radio. That is hilarious. You should totally be doing that on stage.

Tom Segura 27:57 And then, you know what? Then because the audience is gonna be like, "So wait, what do you do?" Then you pull out coke, and you do a bum rush.

Ari Shaffir 28:02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 28:02 You do a bum rush.

Tom Segura 28:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:03 You keep telling everybody, and then you start making no sense, and then blood comes outta your nose.

Bert Kreischer 28:06 (laughs) Dude, it's an awesome show.

Ari Shaffir 28:07 Yeah.

Tom Segura 28:08 You could do meth if you wanted. You don't wanna do the coke that night.

Ari Shaffir 28:10 You take your high blood press- pressure medication on stage in front of the crowd.

Bert Kreischer 28:14 Chop that up.

Ari Shaffir 28:14 Yeah.

Tom Segura 28:15 I would, I would, I would love to-

Ari Shaffir 28:16 (laughs) Yeah.

Tom Segura 28:16 You know what I'd love to make start growing, is coca plants, the kind where you just chew the leaves.

Ari Shaffir 28:20 I don't think you can grow them here.

Tom Segura 28:21 Uh.

Ari Shaffir 28:21 I don't think the climate's suitable.

Tom Segura 28:23 Mm, you can get there.

Ari Shaffir 28:24 Yeah.

Tom Segura 28:25 You can get there, and if-

Ari Shaffir 28:25 I bet you could get some.

Tom Segura 28:26 You can make ... You could, you could, like, organize, like, a, a closet with some heat lamps and shit.

Ari Shaffir 28:30 Do you think so?

Tom Segura 28:31 Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Bert Kreischer 28:32 And, uh, just have ... Just to, like, chew a little bit-

Ari Shaffir 28:35 Well, let's-

Tom Segura 28:35 ... you know, when you go to work

Joe Rogan 28:35 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:35 Let's find out. How many people are growing their own coca leaves in the United States?

Tom Segura 28:40 I don't think anyone would want to. Why not?

Ari Shaffir 28:42 Why wouldn't you have-

Bert Kreischer 28:43 I would love to.

Ari Shaffir 28:43 Don't you want-

Tom Segura 28:43 I think you need so much of it. That's why those fields are like-

Bert Kreischer 28:45 To make cocaine.

Ari Shaffir 28:47 Right.

Bert Kreischer 28:47 If you could just make those Peruvian leaves, those old women would be-

Tom Segura 28:48 You just wanna be like, like, uh, one of those bears.

Ari Shaffir 28:50 I feel like people would be doing that, wouldn't they?

Tom Segura 28:52 I would love ... Talk to Aubrey Marcus.

Ari Shaffir 28:53 It's a cr- the crazy thing is-

Tom Segura 28:55 Make it happen, Aubrey.

Joe Rogan 28:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 28:55 ... when you, you chew those leaves, it's actually not bad for you at all.

Tom Segura 28:58 It helps. It's great.

Ari Shaffir 28:58 It's good for you.

Tom Segura 28:58 And the tea, the coca tea is great.

Ari Shaffir 29:00 I've had that.

Tom Segura 29:00 Yeah. That'll settle-

Ari Shaffir 29:02 Good tea, though.

Tom Segura 29:02 ... your nausea, you know? Like, when you ... Especially you get to, like, co- I'm serious, like-

Ari Shaffir 29:05 Yeah.

Tom Segura 29:05 Everyone starts drinking it, and so it's-

Bert Kreischer 29:07 Sign me up.

Tom Segura 29:08 It's great.

Joe Rogan 29:08 (laughs)

Tom Segura 29:09 It's good.

Ari Shaffir 29:09 Isn't it crazy that everybody just thinks this one thing is the processed, chemicalized, fucking-

Tom Segura 29:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 29:15 ... version that ... Scarface and cl- ... I mean, how many people have died because of cocaine?

Tom Segura 29:20 Oh my God.

Bert Kreischer 29:21 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 29:21 Good Lord. How many murders? Is there another drug on the planet that has, uh, inspired more murders than cocaine?

Tom Segura 29:28 Yeah, right?

Ari Shaffir 29:29 I mean-

Bert Kreischer 29:29 I would, I would love to know murders versus number of dicks sucked for it.

Tom Segura 29:32 Oh, that'd be a good one.

Ari Shaffir 29:33 So many dicks sucked.

Joe Rogan 29:34 Way more dick sucking.

Tom Segura 29:35 A lot of dick sucking.

Ari Shaffir 29:35 So many dicks sucked.

Joe Rogan 29:35 If m- man, if everybody got murdered every time they did coke ... They don't, but a lot of people get their dicks sucked-

Tom Segura 29:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:40 ... when they're doing coke.

Tom Segura 29:41 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 29:41 Like, it, it might not be everybody, but it's like 30%.

Tom Segura 29:44 So many.

Ari Shaffir 29:45 Right?

Tom Segura 29:46 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 29:46 'Cause girls can't afford coke too if they're young, and they're partying, and they're out, and-

Tom Segura 29:50 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 29:50 ... and some fucking guy comes along with a fat Tracy-Morgan-like gold chain.

Tom Segura 29:54 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 29:55 That's-

Ari Shaffir 29:55 That's how good coke is, though.

Tom Segura 29:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:56 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 29:56 That's how good it is, right? You, you ... That, that people are like, "For sure I'll just blow this stranger to-" Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 30:02 It's so good. It's so good.

Ari Shaffir 30:04 I have that.

Joe Rogan 30:04 I knew guys who would get coke that didn't do coke. They would get coke just so they have coke so girls-

Tom Segura 30:08 So it was a route for those whore women.

Joe Rogan 30:09 ... if girls wanted coke.

Tom Segura 30:10 Wow.

Joe Rogan 30:11 'Cause some girls, when they want coke, they'll, they're like, "I am calling somebody, and I'm gonna get some fucking coke, and then I'm gonna leave here."

Tom Segura 30:16 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 30:16 Wow.

Joe Rogan 30:16 They're like, "Hold on, hold on."

Tom Segura 30:17 "Hold on."

Joe Rogan 30:17 "We want some coke."

Tom Segura 30:18 Some of it, though is just-

Joe Rogan 30:19 Next thing you know, there's a goddamn orgy going on.

Tom Segura 30:20 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 30:20 Yeehaw.

Tom Segura 30:22 Some of it's just girls are like, "Oh, I know my blowjob is worth stuff, so what can I get out of it? What am I looking for?"

Ari Shaffir 30:26 Hmm, interesting.

Tom Segura 30:27 My, my brother-in-law told me that he went to Woodstock 2, you know, like, what, 20 years ago or whatever it was.

Ari Shaffir 30:31 Yeah.

Tom Segura 30:32 And he said this guy got out of a ... one of his friends got out of a long line. This is an Orthodox Jew, got out of a long line with a bunch of food, like, it took forever to get through concessions. And she goes, "Look, I'm not waiting in that line. I'll blow you for that food." And they go, "Yeah, sure, let's do it."

Ari Shaffir 30:43 ... wow.

Tom Segura 30:44 Absolutely.

Joe Rogan 30:44 ... she sucked his dick for food.

Tom Segura 30:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:46 For food.

Joe Rogan 30:47 She's hungry.

Ari Shaffir 30:47 That's, that's like your chip sauce.

Joe Rogan 30:48 She's hungry. She got a little extra protein.

Bert Kreischer 30:50 Ka-pow. Pow.

Joe Rogan 30:52 We had, um, um, B-Real from Cypress Hill.

Bert Kreischer 30:55 Nice.

Joe Rogan 30:55 And, uh, he was showing us the footage of him on stage crowd surfing.

Tom Segura 30:59 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:59 He, he was on stage in front of... In Woodstock, half a million people in the fucking crowd.

Tom Segura 31:04 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 31:04 And then, and then goes out into the crowd, crowd surfs, and they stole his sneakers.

Bert Kreischer 31:08 (gasps)

Joe Rogan 31:08 They took his sneakers, and, uh, both people, both left and the right sneaker, they came to his w- to one of his shows and he signed it in the future.

Tom Segura 31:16 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 31:16 Like, like I took this-

Joe Rogan 31:16 He's like, "Dude, I got your shoe from Woodstock. Will you sign it?"

Bert Kreischer 31:18 That's crazy.

Joe Rogan 31:18 He's like, "Fuck yeah," and he signed it.

Tom Segura 31:19 That's crazy.

Bert Kreischer 31:20 That's wild.

Joe Rogan 31:20 It's the video of him on stage in front of half a million people. It is insane.

Tom Segura 31:25 I love how they-

Bert Kreischer 31:26 500,000 people.

Tom Segura 31:26 ... the Cypress Hill have not wavered at all from their day one.

Joe Rogan 31:30 Not at all.

Tom Segura 31:31 Like, "We smoke this shit all day."

Bert Kreischer 31:33 Dude.

Tom Segura 31:33 And then if, like, if you open their Instagram right now, it's just like, "Check it out."

Joe Rogan 31:37 Yeah.

Tom Segura 31:37 They're fucking 30 years deep into this shit.

Bert Kreischer 31:39 (laughs)

Tom Segura 31:39 Like, they don't fuck around at all.

Joe Rogan 31:40 His Instagram, in- Cypress Hill's Instagram, like half of it is weed videos.

Tom Segura 31:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:44 With like Cypress Hill music in the background.

Tom Segura 31:46 It's cr- yeah. There still is.

Bert Kreischer 31:47 Crazy.

Joe Rogan 31:47 It's just videos of people doing wax and dabs and, and bong hits with Cypress Hill in the background.

Tom Segura 31:52 That first album is so good.

Joe Rogan 31:53 So good.

Bert Kreischer 31:54 Do you think they get high the way we get high?

Joe Rogan 31:56 Dude, I know they do. I went with them.

Bert Kreischer 31:58 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:58 They get way higher than us.

Bert Kreischer 31:59 No, no, but I'm saying, do they like... Are they out of it?

Joe Rogan 32:02 No, man, look, he-

Tom Segura 32:02 He's fine.

Joe Rogan 32:03 I did his-

Bert Kreischer 32:04 Yeah, right. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:04 I did his show.

Bert Kreischer 32:05 Why he's doing his taxes like that.

Joe Rogan 32:06 He's got that show called The Smoke Box.

Tom Segura 32:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:08 Oh, you can see it on old-

Tom Segura 32:09 Oh, I saw it, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 32:09 In the car, he got high. By the way, can I just say-

Tom Segura 32:10 I thought you were an old Chinese guy.

Bert Kreischer 32:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:12 I was barbecued. I wasn't even there.

Bert Kreischer 32:14 Are you serious?

Joe Rogan 32:14 I was in another dimension. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 32:17 See, I would just have a panic attack.

Tom Segura 32:18 I saw a picture of you, and it looked like you were.

Joe Rogan 32:20 I was like, "Ugh."

Bert Kreischer 32:21 (laughs)

Tom Segura 32:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:22 We, we smoked so much before we ever got in the car, I was like, "I can't believe we're gonna keep going."

Tom Segura 32:26 And he's like totally normal.

Joe Rogan 32:27 Oh, as normal as can be, son.

Tom Segura 32:29 Yeah, that's-

Joe Rogan 32:30 He's a professional stoner.

Tom Segura 32:31 Those guys, him, Sen Dog, Mugs-

Joe Rogan 32:32 Yep, yep.

Tom Segura 32:32 ... they're just fine.

Bert Kreischer 32:33 Yep.

Joe Rogan 32:34 (laughs)

Tom Segura 32:34 That's not me.

Joe Rogan 32:35 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 32:35 That's me with booze, though.

Tom Segura 32:37 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 32:37 I could definitely, I could definitely probably... Like, I always, I always try to think of, like, the celebrity I could go beer to beer for and then really hurt them.

Tom Segura 32:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:44 Most of them.

Tom Segura 32:45 Most.

Bert Kreischer 32:46 Post Malone. Most, yeah.

Tom Segura 32:46 Post Malone. Do you think you could take him down?

Bert Kreischer 32:48 Dude.

Joe Rogan 32:48 Or you could take down a more-

Bert Kreischer 32:49 For sure.

Joe Rogan 32:49 Yeah, a young guy.

Tom Segura 32:50 He's a child.

Bert Kreischer 32:51 As a child.

Tom Segura 32:51 For sure. Who do you think can win?

Joe Rogan 32:52 He's a young guy with scribbles on his face.

Bert Kreischer 32:54 Dude he's a, he's an awesome-

Tom Segura 32:55 (laughs) Scribbles.

Bert Kreischer 32:55 ... he's a great, uh, f- fucking musician.

Joe Rogan 32:58 Yeah, he's a great musician.

Bert Kreischer 32:59 He's a musician's awesome. His tattoos are questionable. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:01 They're odd.

Tom Segura 33:02 What is, uh... Who do you think-

Bert Kreischer 33:03 His odd choices-

Tom Segura 33:03 ... could really fucking take it down?

Bert Kreischer 33:06 Yeah.

Tom Segura 33:06 You know what I mean? Like...

Joe Rogan 33:07 Who could out-drink you heavily?

Bert Kreischer 33:08 Uh, and I think if you... And now, this is, I've thought about this a lot. If I go for their cocktail and I gotta match them cocktail to cocktail, um, I can keep pace with Stanhope. Uh-

Joe Rogan 33:18 What?

Bert Kreischer 33:19 I can keep pace with Stanhope.

Joe Rogan 33:20 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 33:20 Stanhope doesn't drink as much as everyone thinks. He just drinks- Every day.

Joe Rogan 33:24 Constantly.

Bert Kreischer 33:25 Yeah, like, like, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:25 Consistently, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:26 But he's not like a-

Tom Segura 33:27 He's-

Joe Rogan 33:27 He's-

Tom Segura 33:27 A lot of it's light beer too, right?

Bert Kreischer 33:29 ... he's not like one after another. Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:29 Yeah, he drinks a lot of light beer.

Bert Kreischer 33:31 Stanhope's, oddly enough, a lot healthier than I think people assume. Ron White would be a tough one.

Tom Segura 33:37 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:37 All right.

Bert Kreischer 33:37 Ron White-

Tom Segura 33:38 That's a champ that goes-

Joe Rogan 33:38 Ron White told me he gets fucked up every night of the week.

Bert Kreischer 33:41 That's possible.

Joe Rogan 33:41 Like, every night of the week.

Tom Segura 33:43 Every night I go to the XS.

Joe Rogan 33:45 Every night, every night he goes, "Every night."

Tom Segura 33:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:46 "Every night, that's all I know how to do."

Bert Kreischer 33:48 Damn.

Tom Segura 33:49 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 33:49 But he's a, looks like a million dollars.

Tom Segura 33:50 He looks better now than he did 10 years ago.

Joe Rogan 33:52 He's ha- he's a happy man, I'll tell you that.

Bert Kreischer 33:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:54 That's a happy dude.

Tom Segura 33:55 He looks great.

Joe Rogan 33:56 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:56 He's 38 years old.

Tom Segura 34:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:02 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:02 (laughs) Woo.

Joe Rogan 34:04 So boys, we're brought here for a reason, not just to talk shit.

Bert Kreischer 34:08 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 34:08 But we're trying to figure out, um, how to do sober October this year. We need to figure this out.

Bert Kreischer 34:13 What are we gonna do for sober October? My-

Tom Segura 34:15 Well, I, I, I will... I already-

Bert Kreischer 34:16 Sober-

Tom Segura 34:16 ... I already have the answer and I think it's early for me to say it now, so I'll wait till the end.

Joe Rogan 34:21 Oh, you son of a bitch.

Bert Kreischer 34:21 You have your-

Tom Segura 34:22 You have your-

Bert Kreischer 34:22 ... bastard.

Tom Segura 34:22 ... you have your thought?

Joe Rogan 34:22 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:22 I have... I know exactly what we're doing.

Bert Kreischer 34:24 Okay, so-

Joe Rogan 34:25 What are we doing?

Bert Kreischer 34:25 ... the sober part is happening though, right?

Tom Segura 34:26 Just tell us. What are we doing?

Bert Kreischer 34:26 Sober part is sober.

Joe Rogan 34:27 Yeah, we're going sober.

Tom Segura 34:28 Going sober. Tom's got an aggressive schedule.

Joe Rogan 34:30 I think we should go no coffee.

Bert Kreischer 34:32 Okay.

Tom Segura 34:32 Ooh. Really?

Joe Rogan 34:33 Yep.

Bert Kreischer 34:34 Ooh, step it up. Tha- that's not sobriety, but-

Joe Rogan 34:36 Why?

Bert Kreischer 34:36 ... (burps) I'm fine with that.

Joe Rogan 34:37 It is.

Bert Kreischer 34:37 I drink a good amount of coffee.

Joe Rogan 34:38 Why?

Tom Segura 34:38 Oh, Tom.

Joe Rogan 34:38 Um, because I think we should make it harder. Like, no, no booze, no alcohol is easy.

Bert Kreischer 34:44 No, coffee is its own thing.

Joe Rogan 34:45 No coffee.

Tom Segura 34:45 Ooh, no water.

Joe Rogan 34:46 It's, uh, it's not sober.

Bert Kreischer 34:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:47 You're not sober. You're on a mild stimulant. I think it's cheating.

Bert Kreischer 34:50 I think we should go no coffee. I like no coffee.

Joe Rogan 34:51 I like no coffee. No coffee, only water.

Bert Kreischer 34:54 Wait, wait, wait. Do we really-

Joe Rogan 34:54 How about you can only drink water the whole month?

Tom Segura 34:56 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 34:57 No other drinks?

Joe Rogan 34:57 Oh, I'm fucking in. No other drinks.

Bert Kreischer 35:00 Sparking water.

Tom Segura 35:00 But you fuck-

Joe Rogan 35:01 No, but you fucking kidding.

Bert Kreischer 35:02 You can't have carbonated water?

Joe Rogan 35:03 I'm sorry, for a second, bro.

Tom Segura 35:04 Come on, man.

Bert Kreischer 35:04 Yeah, you can have par- carbonated water. It's just water.

Joe Rogan 35:07 I'm ramping up.

Tom Segura 35:07 But I'm saying like, for-

Bert Kreischer 35:08 No, that works.

Tom Segura 35:08 I like where you're going with this, Joe.

Joe Rogan 35:10 Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, I'm ramping up. I'm ready to go to war.

Bert Kreischer 35:12 Wait, only water and carbonated water?

Joe Rogan 35:15 Yep.

Tom Segura 35:15 I'll do that. I'll do that.

Bert Kreischer 35:17 W- I'll do that. I'm like, "So no coffee." So what, you wouldn't have milk in your coffee? Wow.

Tom Segura 35:21 Yeah. No lime, bro.

Joe Rogan 35:23 I think we should, uh, we should go carnivore diet all month. Nothing but rib eye steaks.

Bert Kreischer 35:28 All right, relax.

Joe Rogan 35:29 Why not?

Bert Kreischer 35:29 Because we're gonna get that fucking-

Joe Rogan 35:31 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 35:31 ... rock moving his ass.

Tom Segura 35:32 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 35:32 I'm willing to negotiate. I'm willing to negotiate with what I think our challenge should be for what you think our restrictions should be.

Joe Rogan 35:38 Well, what do you think the challenge should be?

Bert Kreischer 35:39 I have an-

Tom Segura 35:39 I know, I know-

Bert Kreischer 35:40 ... I have an idea of what challenge should be.

Joe Rogan 35:42 Wait, you have an idea?

Bert Kreischer 35:42 How about you say your idea then?

Tom Segura 35:43 What's yours?

Ari Shaffir 35:44 This is about health, right?

Bert Kreischer 35:45 Yes.

Tom Segura 35:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:46 Health.

Bert Kreischer 35:47 It's not.

Joe Rogan 35:47 Health. What do you want it to be?

Bert Kreischer 35:49 I, I think it should be... If mental health is a, is a legit part of health- Oh, Goddamn it.

Joe Rogan 35:53 ... you should give up your fucking dopamine fucking addictions and get rid of your- You mean cell phones.

Bert Kreischer 35:58 Yeah, get rid of your cell phones and your social media for a month. I get your, uh, uh, I get why you wouldn't do it because of your career. You can email your fucking ladies to fucking post shit for you.

Joe Rogan 36:07 Ladies.

Tom Segura 36:08 Ladies.

Bert Kreischer 36:08 No, I enjoy social media.

Joe Rogan 36:09 Yeah, I know.

Bert Kreischer 36:10 I don't enjoy booze.

Tom Segura 36:13 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:14 This is not about not enjoying it.

Tom Segura 36:16 I think you have a good point with this. I do, I really do.

Bert Kreischer 36:18 Mm.

Tom Segura 36:18 I think about you sometimes when I, when I feel like I've been on like a flight or in a hotel room and I'm like, "I think I've been looking at my phone for like three..." I was thinking of all right-

Bert Kreischer 36:26 And having gone out being like...

Joe Rogan 36:27 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 36:27 Yeah, yeah. Just being like-

Bert Kreischer 36:28 I just think it takes the n- the, um, the connective tissue away from this, this challenge to the people that enjoy watching this challenge.

Joe Rogan 36:36 ... I think a lot of people enjoy our social-

Ari Shaffir 36:37 So, so sure that will be a, that will be a problem. I mean, they won't be able to join in with us.

Joe Rogan 36:40 I'm ready to break my phone with a rock, let's do it.

Bert Kreischer 36:42 And then November 1st everyone's like, "Oh, yeah, you guys did Sober October. I forgot about that."

Ari Shaffir 36:46 I could get each of you an Alcatel-

Joe Rogan 36:48 No.

Bert Kreischer 36:48 Ew.

Ari Shaffir 36:48 ... uh, I could, and I understand, I'm not like Joe who says, "Do what I do," and then I'll just fucking have an easy time of it. I will go with no cell phones.

Joe Rogan 36:55 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 36:55 Sss-

Ari Shaffir 36:55 I will do beyond what I already do.

Bert Kreischer 36:57 Okay, let's, let's, let's-

Joe Rogan 36:58 I didn't do what you guys did, though.

Bert Kreischer 37:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:01 Even though I did some yoga.

Ari Shaffir 37:02 You were already doing yoga every day.

Joe Rogan 37:04 But that was no challenge.

Ari Shaffir 37:04 You slowed it down to join us. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:05 That was no chall- but that was no challenge. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 37:08 I know it's no challenge. It was a challenge for us. It was only no challenge for you.

Joe Rogan 37:11 No, but I'm saying it wasn't a challenge in that, like-

Ari Shaffir 37:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:13 ... there was no contest. If it was I had to do-

Bert Kreischer 37:16 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 37:16 ... yoga the most. Like I had to do it-

Ari Shaffir 37:19 Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

Joe Rogan 37:20 Wow, maybe that's it.

Bert Kreischer 37:21 Right.

Joe Rogan 37:21 Maybe that's it. Maybe it's the most 90-minute yoga class.

Bert Kreischer 37:24 No, no, no.

37:27 You already, we're doing that. We already-

37:27 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that.

Ari Shaffir 37:28 Shit.

Joe Rogan 37:28 I like that.

Bert Kreischer 37:29 How about who kills the most elks?

Joe Rogan 37:31 Time to go to war.

Ari Shaffir 37:32 Yeah, exactly.

Bert Kreischer 37:32 Whoever kills the most elks and can reverse-

Joe Rogan 37:34 It's time-

Bert Kreischer 37:34 ... sear them. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:35 ... to go to war.

Bert Kreischer 37:35 All right, so you hear his mental health, it's a good point. We, uh, we definitely look at these fucking things to much.

Ari Shaffir 37:41 You, I, you can also get, like, a legit real camera if you wanted.

Bert Kreischer 37:44 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 37:44 Film stuff, give it to your fucking assistant so he post this.

Bert Kreischer 37:46 And have it posted. So you could have it posted.

Ari Shaffir 37:48 Figure this out and post whatever you need to.

Bert Kreischer 37:50 How about we-

Joe Rogan 37:51 How about this? How about this? We run the most miles in a month and win.

Bert Kreischer 37:58 Just track it?

Joe Rogan 37:59 Yep, we track it.

Bert Kreischer 38:00 Give us some tracking.

Joe Rogan 38:01 We run.

Ari Shaffir 38:01 Wait, let me just go for a baseline right now. How many miles a month do you run right now?

Bert Kreischer 38:05 It's up there, man.

Ari Shaffir 38:06 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 38:06 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 38:06 What, what about you, Bert?

Bert Kreischer 38:07 If you fuck that. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:09 Uh, it has to be real running. I want it on GPS.

Bert Kreischer 38:12 Real on the ground?

Joe Rogan 38:13 I don't want that bullshit on a fucking treadmill. That's not real running.

Bert Kreischer 38:15 Ooh, The Rock's got new shoes with a Bluetooth capability in them.

38:18 Ooh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:19 We'll wear the Rock's Under Armor shoes.

Bert Kreischer 38:22 So-

Joe Rogan 38:22 We're gonna run.

Bert Kreischer 38:23 What's that-

Joe Rogan 38:23 We're gonna run for miles.

Bert Kreischer 38:25 But it's not fair 'cause you're already doing it.

Joe Rogan 38:28 Well, that's not fair 'cause I'm only running hills, man.

Ari Shaffir 38:29 Oh, okay.

Bert Kreischer 38:30 How many, how many miles do you run when you go for a run now?

Joe Rogan 38:32 It's no more than an hour, hour and 15 minutes.

Bert Kreischer 38:35 Yeah, same as him. Almost like a marathon right there.

Joe Rogan 38:38 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 38:38 No.

Ari Shaffir 38:38 No.

Bert Kreischer 38:39 Uphills?

38:40 Uphills he's probably running six miles.

Joe Rogan 38:42 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 38:42 Oh, I'm kidding. I don't know what you guys-

Joe Rogan 38:43 I'm running, I'm running some steep shit. It's more like, it's mo- it's more, uh, sprinting. It's like there's a lot of plyometrics. It's more like that, like you're, you're, you're not just flat running at a steady pace.

Bert Kreischer 38:55 So do you sprint, run, walk, like the whole-

Joe Rogan 38:56 Yeah, I'm chasing my dog too. We're having... I'm trying to make it hard. I make, I pretend things are chasing me. I play little-

Bert Kreischer 39:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:01 ... games in my head.

Bert Kreischer 39:02 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 39:02 Yeah, that's nice.

Joe Rogan 39:03 I pretend I have to get to the top or everyone I know dies.

Bert Kreischer 39:05 Yeah, you're good at this.

Joe Rogan 39:06 I do weird shit and-

Bert Kreischer 39:07 Yeah, just give me a hint of that brain. Whatever you got in your brain, give it to me a little bit when I work out.

Joe Rogan 39:11 You don't want it.

Bert Kreischer 39:12 Um, all right. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:13 You know, 'cause it ramps up. It ramps up.

Bert Kreischer 39:15 Listen, I think it gets-

Joe Rogan 39:15 I was ready to go to work. We were working out-

Bert Kreischer 39:17 Listen.

Joe Rogan 39:17 Well, you know how crazy we were going, guys? We were working out like six, seven hours a day.

Bert Kreischer 39:21 It was terrible, man.

Ari Shaffir 39:22 But the whole time I was like, "I do zero working out."

Joe Rogan 39:25 Too much.

Ari Shaffir 39:25 So this is all, all extra for me.

Bert Kreischer 39:26 You got jacked. This is great.

39:27 You did, you looked great, Ari.

39:28 You did.

Ari Shaffir 39:29 Take home the fucking straight.

Joe Rogan 39:29 Ari, when you were here, when we were like three weeks into the month and you were here, we did a podcast together and you used my fucking rower. You did an hour on the rower. And you were ripped. You have a six pack. I was like, "Look at this motherfucker."

Bert Kreischer 39:40 No, I remember.

39:40 That was pretty impressive.

Joe Rogan 39:41 An hour on the rower is real work. That's real work.

Bert Kreischer 39:45 You were not gonna not get second. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:47 I was not gonna not, I was not gonna get last. That's why I did not wanna get last.

Joe Rogan 39:50 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 39:50 Here's what I see, here's what I, here's what I'm hearing. Ari wants to do a challenge that he already excels at.

Ari Shaffir 39:54 How about if you-

Bert Kreischer 39:54 I get it.

Ari Shaffir 39:55 No!

Bert Kreischer 39:55 No, no, no, no, no. You're already off your fucking phone.

39:57 But you did them, but you do.

Ari Shaffir 39:58 Sorry, sorry.

Bert Kreischer 39:58 And your complaint about Joe-

Ari Shaffir 39:59 I'm saying, I'm saying-

Bert Kreischer 40:00 ... is that he is, is that he keeps logging in things that he is good at. So-

Ari Shaffir 40:04 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 40:05 ... I will take care of this.

Joe Rogan 40:06 It's just you-

Ari Shaffir 40:07 Gentlemen, are you ready?

Bert Kreischer 40:08 We're here, we're here.

40:09 Let's hear it.

Ari Shaffir 40:09 Let's hear it.

Bert Kreischer 40:09 This year's Sober October, physical challenge.

Ari Shaffir 40:12 Why keep presenting it like a fucking p- presidential candidate?

Joe Rogan 40:14 It's like an apple crumble.

Ari Shaffir 40:15 When I win-

Bert Kreischer 40:16 I feel like it's gonna be good.

40:18 Hip-hop dance.

40:19 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 40:19 Get the fuck outta here.

Bert Kreischer 40:20 (laughs)

40:20 Hip-hop dance. Joe, hear me out. Joe, hear me out.

Joe Rogan 40:22 Joe's got a broken arm.

Bert Kreischer 40:23 Joe, hear me out.

40:23 You can't even spin.

40:24 Let me soft sell you. Let me soft sell you, okay? We each get a choreographer and we work dance classes as much as we can. Dance classes are pretty aggressive.

40:32 And would we leave it to the audience to vote?

40:33 Here, listen to me. Hear me out. Hear me out.

Ari Shaffir 40:34 When? Starting when?

Bert Kreischer 40:35 I like that idea, Joe. We can do that. Now hear me out.

Ari Shaffir 40:37 Starting when? (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 40:38 We each 1st of October. That's what you do in a pitch, you make them think it was their idea. Yeah, yeah, it's a great idea.

40:42 All right, I want you to look over-

Ari Shaffir 40:44 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 40:44 Si-

40:44 I want you to look over at that belt. You're never getting that belt.

40:46 Hold on, hold on one second.

40:47 Oh, shit.

40:48 Hear me, guys, hear me out. Everyone listen to me.

Ari Shaffir 40:50 Yeah, you should wear that for this. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:52 Oh, oh. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 40:52 Oh, this could be good.

40:54 Oh, shit. He's putting the fucking belt on. (laughs) Oh, okay. All right.

Joe Rogan 41:02 I haven't even touched this thing since October.

Ari Shaffir 41:06 Same as me with any sort of running.

Bert Kreischer 41:07 It's a dope belt, man. It's for real.

41:08 We each gotta go to dance classes to get our skills set up. We each work with a choreographer to create our own dance to the exact same song.

Joe Rogan 41:15 Let me know when you're done.

Ari Shaffir 41:16 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:16 At the end, at the end, at the end... By the way, I'm selling this to the room.

41:20 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:20 Are you threading that through your jeans?

Joe Rogan 41:22 No, it's got, it doesn't get popped. It's like snaps in the back.

Bert Kreischer 41:25 At the-

Joe Rogan 41:25 It's a legit belt. It's got these fucking snaps.

Bert Kreischer 41:28 At the end of the... I have a hard time putting belts on too.

Ari Shaffir 41:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:32 If... At the end of the month, come November 1st, we each submit our one minute hip-hop dance choreographer, choreographed video and the fans vote on who the winner of Sober October is. Gentlemen, I would like to hear your rebuttals starting with Tom Segura.

41:46 I gotta tell you, you, you sorta mentioned this.

Ari Shaffir 41:49 Electora what?

Bert Kreischer 41:49 Your rebuttals.

Ari Shaffir 41:50 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 41:50 Poke holes in it.

41:51 Yeah, you put, you, you, you put, you sorta mentioned it. Here's what I'll, I'll tell you what I like about it.

Ari Shaffir 41:54 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 41:54 'Cause it's easy to say what I don't like about-

41:56 Oh. (laughs)

41:56 ... anything that comes out of your mouth.

Ari Shaffir 41:58 Yeah. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:58 So what I don't like about it or what I do like about it is that no one's great at it. I do like that-

42:06 True.

Joe Rogan 42:06 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 42:06 ... it is a workout because those, those dancers are in unbelievable fucking shape.

Ari Shaffir 42:09 I probably, who do you think is the number one dancer right now?

Bert Kreischer 42:11 Me, obviously.

Ari Shaffir 42:12 I'm gonna guess Bert first.

Bert Kreischer 42:14 No.

42:14 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 42:14 Joe second.

Joe Rogan 42:14 Why would you do that?

Bert Kreischer 42:15 It's not even close. What are you talking about? It's definitely me.

Ari Shaffir 42:18 What?

Bert Kreischer 42:19 I'm a way better dancer than you guys. Are you out of your fucking mind?

42:21 Tom, Tom, just 'cause you speak Spanish doesn't mean you're better than anyone.

42:23 Are you setting us up?

Joe Rogan 42:23 Are you setting us up?

Ari Shaffir 42:23 Oh, yeah, he does, he does flamenco.

Bert Kreischer 42:25 No.

42:25 Do you know how to dance?

Joe Rogan 42:26 I just... No, but I know I'm a better dancer than you guys.

Ari Shaffir 42:28 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:28 Really?

Joe Rogan 42:28 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 42:28 Shit. First of all, I would give-

Ari Shaffir 42:31 What a fucking bitch.

Bert Kreischer 42:31 I would, I would put Joe up there with some tap-

Joe Rogan 42:34 You know that's true.

Ari Shaffir 42:34 I know you're better than me, I'll give you that.

Joe Rogan 42:35 Listen, I could do a lot of crazy shit with my body you guys can't do.

Bert Kreischer 42:37 That's true, but I'm saying rhythm?

Ari Shaffir 42:40 ... kid'n play?

Bert Kreischer 42:40 Come on.

Ari Shaffir 42:41 Dude-

Bert Kreischer 42:41 Rhythm?

Ari Shaffir 42:41 ... we could do the kid'n play.

Bert Kreischer 42:42 You have rhythm?

Ari Shaffir 42:43 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 42:43 All right.

42:44 You... Uh, wait. Hold on. You have rhythm?

42:46 I know I do.

Ari Shaffir 42:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:48 I'm fucking phenomenal at dancing.

Ari Shaffir 42:50 (laughs) Well, here's-

Bert Kreischer 42:51 Why are you keep poking holes in my idea, man?

42:53 ... my thought, you know what I mean? Here's... Okay, but no one-

42:54 Joe, you get to close it down, buddy.

42:55 What I'm saying is that nobody excels. I mean, obviously I'm better than you, but nobody excels. So, I like the idea of working at something that, you know, no one's great at, and, and-

Ari Shaffir 43:05 Oh, that's me dancing. No.

Bert Kreischer 43:06 No.

Ari Shaffir 43:06 Oh, that's right, I danced in the movie. I was in the movie-

Bert Kreischer 43:08 Really?

Ari Shaffir 43:08 ... Zookeeper. Yeah, I, I, I, I took dance classes.

Bert Kreischer 43:10 Oh, all right.

Ari Shaffir 43:11 I danced my ass off, bitch. I love how the movies make it seem normal that that guy could get that girl.

Bert Kreischer 43:16 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 43:17 (laughs) I know. At Kevin James could get results.

Bert Kreischer 43:18 Like what are you talking about? Wait, hold on, hold on. Let's see Joe.

43:21 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 43:21 Bro, I learned how to dance, like legitimately. I mean, I'm not good or anything. Joe, this is hip hop dance we're talking about. Look at his face.

Bert Kreischer 43:28 Different, yeah. Intense.

Ari Shaffir 43:29 Bro, I know how to dance. Come on, son. Oh, yeah, you did pretty good there actually. Oh, my God, you actually are pretty good.

Bert Kreischer 43:36 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:37 Dude, I t- I took fucking dance lessons. I had to do it for weeks. Who were you dancing with, Nikki Glaser? Uh, Leslie Bibb.

Bert Kreischer 43:42 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 43:43 She's, uh, from, uh, Talladega Nights.

Bert Kreischer 43:45 Yeah, yeah, she's great.

Ari Shaffir 43:46 She's great. Very, very- She's a dancer?

Bert Kreischer 43:47 ... funny person, too.

Ari Shaffir 43:48 Then I t- I think this sounds-

Bert Kreischer 43:49 Very funny person.

Ari Shaffir 43:49 ... like a done deal. All... Anyone else have any rebuttals?

Bert Kreischer 43:51 Wait, wait. So the last-

43:52 Wait, I wanna take dance classes.

43:52 Here's the last thing, the last thing that is great.

Ari Shaffir 43:54 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 43:54 So, everybody gets to work at it, nobody excels too much at it. I think it's funny that we're comics and we get to look silly doing something-

Ari Shaffir 44:03 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 44:04 ... but not look great at it. And I'm on board with... I think it's fun that people that watch that or get really into it would have a say in it, you know?

Ari Shaffir 44:12 I'm... Okay, I'm the only one of the three-

Bert Kreischer 44:14 Yeah, I'm like that too.

Ari Shaffir 44:14 ... of us who's not obese, so it would look the least silly for me- (laughs) ... to doing it. (laughs) You're calling Joe fat? I, um, uh, medically obese. I think that's- (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 44:21 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 44:22 ... science.

Bert Kreischer 44:23 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 44:23 It's all the, all about the BMI, son. Yeah, it's all about the BMI.

Bert Kreischer 44:26 Okay.

44:26 My BMI is off the charts.

44:27 All right. So, wait, uh, you're saying that you are into it or not?

Ari Shaffir 44:29 I'm saying I would, I would look the least silly just in terms of that. But you guys, I get why you would look silly just moving at all.

Bert Kreischer 44:34 Mm.

44:34 We also need to get-

44:35 You'd look the least silly?

Ari Shaffir 44:36 No, I'm not, I'm not a fucking fat man doing it. But you break yourself always. You're always breaking. Yeah, break yourself before you- You break ankles and- Right. (laughs) ... elbows and shit. You're always breaking things. I am breaking stuff. That's .......................... but- You're super fucking vulnerable. Yeah, I am. It's a good point. What about injury? What's the injury gonna do at this point?

Bert Kreischer 44:51 You're not durable.

44:51 No, no, no. J- dance classes are intense.

44:54 Do you really think you're the current best dancer?

44:56 Easily.

Ari Shaffir 44:56 I think Bart is.

Bert Kreischer 44:57 Easily?

44:57 Yeah, easily.

Ari Shaffir 44:57 He's the one who's out at bars the most.

Bert Kreischer 44:59 Easily. Yeah, I dance the most out of all of us.

Ari Shaffir 45:00 Mm. I agree. Okay. And so- Go ahead. That makes sense. And so the dance classes are tough. We get... Each get ourselves choreographers. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 45:05 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 45:05 And we create our own dance to the exact songs.

Bert Kreischer 45:07 Don't get too hyped up because-

Ari Shaffir 45:08 Wait, wait.

Bert Kreischer 45:08 ... wait for me to talk about this.

Ari Shaffir 45:09 (laughs) Okay, but the amount of molly I would have to do to, to enjoy that dancing.

Bert Kreischer 45:13 But you can't be sober.

Ari Shaffir 45:14 But I can't be sober.

Bert Kreischer 45:15 Oh, yeah.

45:15 But you can November 1st if that... When we post it, you could be-

Ari Shaffir 45:18 Yeah, but the whole idea is the dance party. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dancing learns dancing.

Bert Kreischer 45:20 Sober bros.

Ari Shaffir 45:21 Dance.

Bert Kreischer 45:21 That's true.

Ari Shaffir 45:21 Sober.

Bert Kreischer 45:22 Dancing sober.

45:23 That's true, that's true.

Ari Shaffir 45:23 Here's, here's problems with it.

Bert Kreischer 45:25 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 45:25 Problem number one, it's subjective. You can't have something subjective. You can't have something... "Well, I think Tom danced better. Well, I think Ari danced better." You can't have a bunch of morons vote for you. Okay. Okay, let me, let me break this down. Who's got bas-... Finish up. I'm gonna write you down.

Bert Kreischer 45:37 What if, what if, what if the-

Ari Shaffir 45:38 Finish up while you raise us.

Bert Kreischer 45:39 What if the, the dance pros got together?

Ari Shaffir 45:42 That's what I was saying. Profess-

Bert Kreischer 45:43 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 45:43 ... professionals.

Bert Kreischer 45:43 Right?

45:44 What, they judge?

Ari Shaffir 45:45 Profess-

Bert Kreischer 45:45 Well, yeah, they're, they're experts.

45:47 Come on, they like Bert better, they like me better. You don't want that.

Ari Shaffir 45:50 No, Olympic judges.

Bert Kreischer 45:51 Yeah.

45:51 What? Those guys are corrupt. Olympic judges?

Ari Shaffir 45:52 Yeah, high level.

Bert Kreischer 45:53 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 45:53 Olympic judges are the most corrupt people in all of sports. (laughs) Yeah, but not if we're all coming from the same country. They literally get investigated. They literally go to jail. But... So we have to agree no bribing the fucking bribable Olympic judges.

Bert Kreischer 46:04 Or they're going to be way too pumped up for this podcast.

Ari Shaffir 46:04 No, no, n- nothing's subjective. We gotta grind.

Bert Kreischer 46:07 Mm-mm. Dances.

Ari Shaffir 46:09 No, we gotta, we gotta-

Bert Kreischer 46:10 About to dance.

Ari Shaffir 46:10 ... we gotta make it uncomfortable.

Bert Kreischer 46:11 Stop thinking of the smoke pot.

Ari Shaffir 46:12 We gotta make it super uncomfortable.

Bert Kreischer 46:13 If you wanna make it uncomfortable-

Ari Shaffir 46:14 That's pretty uncomfortable. ... dance classes-

Bert Kreischer 46:16 Man.

Ari Shaffir 46:16 It's not right.

Bert Kreischer 46:17 11, 15 dance-

Ari Shaffir 46:18 This is boring.

Bert Kreischer 46:18 Dance classes? Hip hop dances?

Ari Shaffir 46:20 There's some- there's something about the fitness challenges that are more exciting to me 'cause they, they- Yeah, 'cause you're doing fitness all the time. I wonder what that is. Well, you got in shape, too. (laughs) I'll do something you guys don't do, a fitness challenge you guys don't do.

Bert Kreischer 46:33 Yeah, that-

Ari Shaffir 46:33 Or that I don't do, rather.

Bert Kreischer 46:34 Right. That... Okay, that's what you're trying to say.

Ari Shaffir 46:36 That I don't, that I don't ever do. I'll ride bikes. I don't give a fuck.

Bert Kreischer 46:40 (sighs)

Ari Shaffir 46:42 Bikes.

Bert Kreischer 46:43 Ride bikes.

46:43 Bikes are-

Ari Shaffir 46:43 Ride bikes everywhere. Ride bikes in the store.

Bert Kreischer 46:45 Accessible?

Ari Shaffir 46:46 Ride bikes to the improv. Yeah, but Tom's in Europe. Ride a bike, bitch.

Bert Kreischer 46:49 That's if you go to Europe.

Ari Shaffir 46:50 I ride bikes over there.

Bert Kreischer 46:51 I'm in, I'm in Europe in October for-

Ari Shaffir 46:52 A lot of those countries are over there. Have you scheduled an Australian tour to cancel yet? (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 46:56 I'm kind... It's coming up.

Ari Shaffir 46:58 Oh, cool.

Bert Kreischer 46:58 I'm announcing it soon.

Ari Shaffir 46:58 I know that we've been excited about it.

Bert Kreischer 46:59 But when do you cancel? When do you cancel it?

47:00 I'll cancel close.

Ari Shaffir 47:02 (laughs) Why are you gonna cancel it?

Bert Kreischer 47:03 I've n- I've canceled before, so...

47:04 Uh, before?

Ari Shaffir 47:05 Just once, though.

Bert Kreischer 47:06 N- just once? I think it was twice.

Ari Shaffir 47:07 A couple times?

Bert Kreischer 47:08 It was twice.

Ari Shaffir 47:09 Did you get sick?

Bert Kreischer 47:10 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 47:10 The only time he's been- Sick of flying to Australia? The only time he's been to Australia was opening for you with a UFC ticket. Really?

Bert Kreischer 47:15 No, I went, I went also another time. I w- I did the Melbourne Festival.

Ari Shaffir 47:18 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 47:18 Hey, I'm in Auckland June 15th.

Ari Shaffir 47:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 47:20 Then Sydney June 20th.

Ari Shaffir 47:22 That's the fest. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 47:22 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 47:22 You giving out dates? Oh, that's right. That's right, right when I'll be in Columbus. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 47:26 Um-

Ari Shaffir 47:26 Nothing... I know there's a bunch of people that are like, "Yo, we wanna be able to vote."

Bert Kreischer 47:31 Listen-

Ari Shaffir 47:32 We wanna what? Be able to vote. Well, then they're gonna vote on who-

Bert Kreischer 47:34 No one, no one's stealing this. You're gonna have to earn this motherfucker. So you're saying-

Ari Shaffir 47:38 See this?

Bert Kreischer 47:38 You're thinking-

Ari Shaffir 47:39 See this?

Bert Kreischer 47:39 ... hip hop ha- yeah.

Ari Shaffir 47:40 This is mine. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 47:41 So the flaw-

Ari Shaffir 47:42 This is mine. I like it. Yeah. I like it. I'm gonna keep it. (hiccups) I'm gonna keep this. This is mine.

Bert Kreischer 47:47 The flaw he's saying is that there's not, like, a clear, right, that it's subjective.

Ari Shaffir 47:52 Yeah, you can't leave it in the hands of the judges. Get the fuck outta here. That's rule number one for fighting. Never-

Bert Kreischer 47:57 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 47:57 ... leave it in the hands of the judges.

Bert Kreischer 47:58 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 47:59 It's not rule number one. It's probably, like, rule number- Yeah, it's down there. First it's like- ... you know, watch out- ... 180. ... watch out for leg swings and, like... (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 48:05 Keep your hands up.

Ari Shaffir 48:05 ... yeah, keep your hands up is number one.

Bert Kreischer 48:06 Get in shape.

Ari Shaffir 48:06 Yeah, promise.

Bert Kreischer 48:07 Don't smile at celebrities in the audience.

Ari Shaffir 48:09 (laughs) Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:09 Do your cardio. Don't eat like shit.

Ari Shaffir 48:12 I would love to see those guys day one of jiu-jitsu is like, "Can we leave this to the judges?" Like- (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 48:15 Dude, just fucking worry about blocking and half guard.

Ari Shaffir 48:18 (laughs) Rule number one is don't leave it to the judges. I need to know. (laughs) Oh.

Bert Kreischer 48:24 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 48:25 Oh my God, that's funny. Uh-

Bert Kreischer 48:27 Fuck.

48:27 I was really behind your dance idea.

Ari Shaffir 48:28 Dan- hip hop dancing would be tough. I do have a gym. There's a place right nearby me.

Bert Kreischer 48:33 Uh, uh, Joe, Joe, I think you're overestimating your dance skills. Hip hop dance.

Ari Shaffir 48:37 It's not... Dance skills, I'll learn them.

Bert Kreischer 48:39 Would it be amount of time in, in the gym-

Ari Shaffir 48:41 No, I know how to move my body better. I'll learn them.

Bert Kreischer 48:44 You know how to move your body better? (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:45 For sure.

Joe Rogan 48:46 ... you don't think I'm gonna know how to lose, m- move my body better than you can move yours? (corrective ding)

Tom Segura 48:49 Do you think we get Shakira as the judge?

Joe Rogan 48:50 Oh, do you know how crazy that is for you to even say that?

Tom Segura 48:53 (laughs)

48:53 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:54 Do you know how crazy it is for you to say-

Tom Segura 48:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:56 ... that my physical dexterity and your physical dexterity are comparable?

Tom Segura 49:01 They're the same. They're the same.

49:03 I don't know what you're talking about, Joe. I dance all the time. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:08 Uh, n- not if-

Tom Segura 49:08 Joe, can you weeble wobble?

Joe Rogan 49:09 If I got through that challenge and you didn't prep- and you came in last, like you did with this last one-

Tom Segura 49:15 (coughs)

49:15 Yes, why has that not been talked about enough?

Joe Rogan 49:17 ... we would have to, we would have to put a sock in a fucking, with a, a lock in it, like a bike lock, and beat your ass.

Tom Segura 49:22 I'm cool with punishment for this. I'm cool with punishment for this.

49:24 That's a good idea.

Joe Rogan 49:25 A bar of soap, right?

Tom Segura 49:25 Real punishment. Yeah.

49:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:26 Like, like Full Metal Jacket.

Tom Segura 49:28 Real punishment.

Joe Rogan 49:29 We used a bar of soap.

Tom Segura 49:29 Yeah. Code red, code red.

Joe Rogan 49:30 Beat you out with a bar of soap and a sock.

Tom Segura 49:32 See-

49:32 And hip hop dance.

49:33 ... I think this is-

Joe Rogan 49:33 Even M- Matthew Modine got in on that, remember?

Tom Segura 49:36 This is... Yeah, he did, that's right.

49:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:37 He hit him too. He felt bad about it, but he hit himself.

Tom Segura 49:38 I don't know if this is the real thing.

49:42 So-

Joe Rogan 49:43 You don't know of what's the real thing?

Tom Segura 49:44 Hip hop dancing.

49:44 I think you need to keep pushing how you think of it as the same.

Joe Rogan 49:46 No. Hip hop dancing.

Tom Segura 49:46 Skateboard, skateboarding challenge?

49:48 (laughs) That'll work.

Joe Rogan 49:49 If you like-

Tom Segura 49:49 That's all judges.

Joe Rogan 49:50 If I could see us going through all these fucking things and Bert at the end is like, "Whoa, you guys beat me. I can't believe it." Like, you motherfucker, you're talking shit the whole month-

Tom Segura 49:58 Then... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:59 ... talking shit the whole month-

Tom Segura 50:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:00 ... and you came in last.

Tom Segura 50:01 That's, that's my game plan.

50:03 That's a good point. You did fucking terrible.

50:04 I'm sandbagging you guys for the next challenge.

Joe Rogan 50:06 There's no sandbags on. You fell apart.

Tom Segura 50:07 You get sandbagged for the whole fucking October.

Joe Rogan 50:09 You j- you fell apart.

Tom Segura 50:10 Dude, I fell apart. Okay, let's do it.

Joe Rogan 50:11 When Ari started posting these giant... He, he, he, he-

Tom Segura 50:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:14 ... was on the bike for four hours. I'm like, "What?"

Tom Segura 50:17 Oh.

50:18 That would fuck my head up so bad.

Joe Rogan 50:20 We're like, "What?"

Tom Segura 50:20 Tom got sick. Fucking, we revamped it.

Joe Rogan 50:23 We started off slow. We started off with like 200 points. It was a good day.

Tom Segura 50:25 Yeah.

50:25 It was like, it was like that scene in Big when, uh, when, um, uh, Lovett is telling, uh, what's his name? He's like, "Hey, slow down, slow down, slow down. You're gonna make us all look bad."

Joe Rogan 50:33 Yeah.

Tom Segura 50:33 You know? (laughs)

50:33 Exactly.

50:34 And we're all doing this. All right, all right.

50:34 Well, we didn't know how-

50:35 He's like, "Hey, easy, easy, easy, easy."

50:37 We didn't know how crazy anybody was gonna take it.

50:39 We don't know how much, how much we hated each other to like really drive us to not be-

Joe Rogan 50:44 Well, I don't know how you looked at it, but I love you guys.

Tom Segura 50:47 Oh, I, I love you guys too.

50:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:48 So I just thought it was a fun competition.

Tom Segura 50:49 Man, Jesus saw that.

50:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:50 What the fuck, Ari?

Tom Segura 50:52 Stand by it.

50:54 (laughs) I did.

Joe Rogan 50:55 What was the most amount of points you ever put in in a day?

Tom Segura 50:58 My biggest point day was, it was-

Joe Rogan 51:00 You went, you ran 13 miles one day.

Tom Segura 51:02 One day, yeah. That-

51:02 Two, oh, broken up?

51:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:04 No.

Tom Segura 51:05 No, just, I mean like-

51:06 Just kept going and going?

51:06 Well, yeah. I did it in the hills and, you know, just kept, uh, ran, like, to another city (laughs) , came back.

51:11 Jesus.

51:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:12 Yeah, he ran 13 fucking miles and that was after he was sick for a week.

Tom Segura 51:14 Yeah, that's why I did it.

Joe Rogan 51:15 And we almost dropped off.

Tom Segura 51:16 Yeah, I was like, "Oh, he's done. Cool. We got him."

51:17 Yeah, yeah. That's when we took the foot off the gas pedal.

Joe Rogan 51:19 Came and crashed.

Tom Segura 51:19 Took the foot off the gas pedal.

51:20 Fucking Tommy sandbagged us.

51:21 We should've just-

Joe Rogan 51:21 But why did you take the foot off the gas pedal?

Tom Segura 51:23 We should've waited till he was done being for sure.

51:25 Are you talking to me?

Joe Rogan 51:26 Yeah.

Tom Segura 51:26 Yeah. 'Cause T- you, Tom was like, "I'm sick. I'm out."

Joe Rogan 51:27 So what?

Tom Segura 51:27 And so I was like, "Tom's in last. I don't have to worry. I'm not in last."

Joe Rogan 51:30 Oh, is that what you were worried about? Coming in last?

Tom Segura 51:31 Yeah, 'cause I was like... I was, I was competing with Tom. Tom and I were neck and neck. Ari was a fucking cunt and would just post numbers in the middle of the night. You'd go to sleep comfortable-

51:38 But he did that like two thirds in.

51:40 Oh, dude.

51:40 He didn't start like that.

51:41 I posted in the middle of the night 'cause I, my gym, Blink Fitness, would allow me to work out 24 hours a day, so I'd get off work-

51:48 Yeah, it was fucking ridiculous.

51:49 ... I would get off the comedy clubs and I'd fucking go work out at 3:00 AM.

51:52 Oh my God.

51:52 That would fuck my head up, man. I'd wake up-

51:54 No, 'cause you wake up and you're like, "Yeah."

51:55 Blame Esty. Blame Esty for giving me leg spots.

Joe Rogan 51:59 (laughs)

Tom Segura 51:59 It's not my fault.

52:00 Esty. It's, uh, it's all Esty. It's tricky, right?

52:03 Yeah, it was-

52:04 You work out when you can.

52:04 There was a lot of gameplay, but here's what I... Okay, here's what I-

52:07 Oh, I love, I love when-

52:07 I'll just say this.

52:07 I realized when you guys woke up, like, I'm like, "Oh, what?"

52:10 Yeah.

52:11 "I'm not in first?"

52:12 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 52:12 Look at this. I like this.

Tom Segura 52:14 Here's what I... Okay.

Joe Rogan 52:16 Keep this.

Tom Segura 52:16 I think you guys should do a dance off anyway.

Joe Rogan 52:19 Well, he does have that incredible physical dexterity.

Tom Segura 52:23 (laughs) They would need a way for judges to decide, but... That's not about working out though, right?

52:28 No.

52:28 Hip hop dancing? No. No, hip hop dancing, if you're gonna get good, you're gonna be dancing every single day.

52:34 Ugh.

52:35 That, that, okay, I won't tell you.

52:37 (laughs)

52:37 I don't like doing it, but that response-

52:38 That reaction was a good response.

52:40 ... is "Ugh."

52:41 Because that's how he felt about everything, Joe.

Joe Rogan 52:43 (laughs)

Tom Segura 52:45 Somebody showed me a tweet I made recently.

52:47 Uh-oh.

52:47 Like a year ago. I'm like, "How did we get from 'Bert can't run a marathon' to 'all gonna go straight edge for a month'?"

Joe Rogan 52:53 (laughs)

Tom Segura 52:54 What the fuck happened?

Joe Rogan 52:55 That's exactly what we got from... No, it wasn't-

Tom Segura 52:57 That is true.

Joe Rogan 52:57 ... Bert couldn't run a marathon. He couldn't do it faster than your dad did.

Tom Segura 53:00 Than your dad.

53:00 Yeah. And then suddenly, we're all straight edge.

Joe Rogan 53:02 An 80-year-old plus Holocaust survivor.

Tom Segura 53:04 And then he was, but he was also like, "I could run a marathon tomorrow."

53:07 Like, no, he'd spawn-

Joe Rogan 53:08 Yeah. That- that was easily, but like- He could do that shit.

Tom Segura 53:11 And by the way, I, I technically kind of did.

53:12 Yeah, you did.

53:13 I technically did. I did blow the doors off you guys. You really were amazed. But I think the real test was that Tom was gonna try to roller skate a marathon faster than he could run it.

Joe Rogan 53:21 Oh, no, that's right.

Tom Segura 53:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:22 But the, he didn't take into account going uphill.

Tom Segura 53:24 Or the fact that he has never roller skated.

Joe Rogan 53:26 Yeah, but that's easy to learn.

Tom Segura 53:27 Yeah, it's pretty flat, four wheels.

Joe Rogan 53:29 Little kids learn it. It's not like it's like fucking calculus.

Tom Segura 53:30 It's, it's a stopper.

53:30 What do you think would've happened on the roller skating part of it?

53:34 After running that marathon?

53:35 Yeah.

53:35 Uh-

53:36 He would've crushed you, dude.

53:37 I think you probably would've beat me, yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:38 It was a flat? You don't have a chance.

Tom Segura 53:40 LA Marathon is pretty flat, right?

53:41 No, hold on. LA Marathon was uphill downtown, but once you got past the store, you would've been hauling fucking ass down La Cienega.

Joe Rogan 53:49 Yeah, it would've never caught him.

Tom Segura 53:50 From the, from seller to the... No, but he would've gotten hurt. He would've gotten hurt.

53:53 Yeah, just take him up and walk down. Yeah, a couple of roller skating people reached out to me.

Joe Rogan 53:55 Oh, that's true.

Tom Segura 53:55 Yeah, the hills.

53:55 And they were like, they were like, "Your..." No, they said like, "Your feet are gonna... You're gonna be in rough fucking shape."

54:01 It would blow out his calves.

54:03 Hold on. The roller skating community?

54:03 A couple roller skating people? (laughs)

54:05 Yeah, they reached out.

Joe Rogan 54:06 The roller skating community.

Tom Segura 54:07 Dude, I started to get it from-

54:07 Hey, bro, don't take this lightly. We're, we're warriors.

54:10 I get it from people that have been doing it for years.

Joe Rogan 54:12 Yeah.

Tom Segura 54:12 And also like, what is that? The roller derby people.

Joe Rogan 54:14 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 54:14 They were like, "Yeah, you, you gotta be careful."

Joe Rogan 54:16 Well, just think about skiing for five hours.

Tom Segura 54:18 Yeah.

54:19 Oh, what greatness that would be.

54:22 It's awesome.

Joe Rogan 54:22 Yeah, but if you had to ski for five hours straight without going up lift hills, uh, going up the lifts.

Tom Segura 54:26 Lifts. Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:27 Up the hills, if you just skied only, only on your feet for five hours, I bet you would be hurting.

Tom Segura 54:32 Yeah.

54:33 Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're hurt anyway. Its muscles are all sore.

Joe Rogan 54:35 Yeah, you're, my f- my feet are always hurting after a day of skiing. Like Jesus.

Tom Segura 54:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:38 'Cause you're always like, "Ah, ah."

Tom Segura 54:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:40 "Wait for a tree. Ah, ah."

Tom Segura 54:42 Yeah. No, I would've been, I would've been fucked up for sure.

54:44 You would get fucked up.

54:45 Yeah.

54:45 Did you see me crash, Bert?

Bert Kreischer 54:47 ... yeah, no I, yeah, I