Joe Rogan Experience #1310 - Sober October 2019 Preview

Joe is joined by Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer to discuss this year's Sober October challenge.

Joe RoganhostBert KreischerguestTom SeguraguestAri Shaffirguest

Jun 5, 20193h 1mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,036 words

0:00 – 1:53
Post-Sober October trauma and last year’s near-meltdown
1. JRJoe Rogan
  ... and that's probably the way to do it. We're cutting in right now. Pow! Ch- pow, pow, pow, pow! (imitates gun firing)
2. BKBert Kreischer
  So what, what did it have?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Tell me about the tour bus.
4. TSTom Segura
  This tour... Okay.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Are you the tour bus champ?
6. TSTom Segura
  No.
7. BKBert Kreischer
  No, no, no, he's not.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
9. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
10. BKBert Kreischer
  Let's, let's, let's hold off on labels till we hear the story.
11. TSTom Segura
  'Cause I've only won one victory in this whole thing. (laughs)
12. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Who's the tour bus... He came so close to the weight loss.
14. TSTom Segura
  He did come close.
15. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah, he did come really close.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  And then, then we had one year where it was like socialist. It was like, uh, Marxist. No one could lose.
17. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Even if you lost, it didn't matter.
19. TSTom Segura
  Mm-hmm.
20. BKBert Kreischer
  Oh, I like that. That was comradery.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  We had one year. Yeah, it was a good f- good year.
22. TSTom Segura
  This, this year's gotta be a good one.
23. BKBert Kreischer
  What am I doing?
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Listen, last year I almost killed myself.
25. TSTom Segura
  Yeah, we gotta do it differently than that.
26. BKBert Kreischer
  You were pink, fucking purple.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Wasn't purple, but it wasn't the right color. (laughs)
28. TSTom Segura
  What color was it?
29. JRJoe Rogan
  I was worried I had rhabdo.
30. TSTom Segura
  Like brown?
1:53 – 2:43
Bert’s “party” image vs. real life: the LeeAnn radio sabotage story
1. BKBert Kreischer
  I think LeeAnn and Push are gonna podcast this entire Sober October.
2. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
3. BKBert Kreischer
  Just how much they hate us.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Don't let her after she threw you under the bus.
5. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
6. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  In the fucking radio station, tell that story. The, the audience didn't hear that story. Tell that story.
8. BKBert Kreischer
  You guys should have... You guys should do wife swaps.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Tell that story.
10. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
11. BKBert Kreischer
  She was... They were asking about drugs and how hard I party. And I was just talking shit, and I was like, "You know," I go, uh, I go, "I smoke a little bit of weed. Uh, every now and then if cocaine is on a switchblade I'll hit it. But for the most part, I only..."
12. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
13. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
15. BKBert Kreischer
  "I only, I only do mushrooms once a year." And LeeAnn just heard me, and she's making breakfast for the girls. She goes, "He doesn't do mushrooms and he doesn't do cocaine. He's got high blood pressure." I'm like, "Bitch, I'm trying to move tickets in Dayton."
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Wow.
17. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
18. BKBert Kreischer
  She threw you under the bus.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Body shots for the tour, fall dates available now.
20. BKBert Kreischer
  Is it available right now?
21. TSTom Segura
  Dude, yeah, we... J- it's right now, right now, right now.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Right now, right now.
23. TSTom Segura
  Right now, right now, burtburtburt.com.
24. BKBert Kreischer
  It's weird. We're-
25. TSTom Segura
  You sound like you're coming off a coke bender.
26. BKBert Kreischer
  I did.
2:43 – 7:25
Road success & leveling up: from clubs to theaters (and the Dice advice)
1. JRJoe Rogan
  We're all touring hard.
2. BKBert Kreischer
  Dude.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  But think, think about it, Tom. Like, when you first started going on the road with me, you're way far ahea- further ahead now than I was back then.
4. BKBert Kreischer
  Then he was in the future?
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Than I was.
6. BKBert Kreischer
  Oh, right.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  When he was opening for me, we were doing clubs.
8. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah, we were doing theaters.
9. TSTom Segura
  Yeah, we were doing clubs. Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  We were doing all clubs. D- we made it... We started to do theaters when you started to headline your own places.
11. TSTom Segura
  That's true, yeah. That was pretty crazy.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Dude was quick, man.
13. BKBert Kreischer
  I was thinking about it, about that level you were at that we all thought was like, "Damn."
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, yeah, I mean-
15. BKBert Kreischer
  And then it's, yeah.
16. TSTom Segura
  You know what I'm saying? It's because like you, you know someone. You're like, "It's accessible."
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
18. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah.
19. TSTom Segura
  Right? So you're like-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Right, right, right. It, it seems normal.
21. TSTom Segura
  Right, you're like-
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, it makes sense. Like, "Oh, I could sell out this whole weekend too."
23. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  And then when you do, you're like, "Oh, shit."
25. BKBert Kreischer
  Like, "What?"
26. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  "I'm a fucking comedian. I'm a real comedian. I sold out a club."
28. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
29. BKBert Kreischer
  And it's just because we got in shape.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  I didn't even think about it.
7:25 – 9:41
Bert’s Travel Channel era: cool life, wrong path, and the fear of missing standup
1. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah, there's a lot of useless skills I have from Travel Channel.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Dude, you d- you traveled so much.
3. BKBert Kreischer
  Oh my God.
4. ASAri Shaffir
  They could almost-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  I, it always bothered me. You know why it bothered me? Because I would've probably done it too if I was you.
6. ASAri Shaffir
  Mm-hmm.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  And I was like, "Goddammit, how do you get out of that?" 'Cause I know that feeling. Like, it's, you have the best job ever. You're on a TV show. You're like, "Oh my God, I have the best job ever."
8. BKBert Kreischer
  It is.
9. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  "I'm a fuck, I'm on a fucking TV show." But yet you're still like, "Fuck, I gotta get out of this."
11. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah.
12. ASAri Shaffir
  It's weird, 'cause you do get to go to really cool places and get paid for it.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm.
14. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah, that was cool.
15. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah.
16. BKBert Kreischer
  But you also, I mean, you weren't thrilled-
17. ASAri Shaffir
  It's the start of it, though.
18. BKBert Kreischer
  ... 'cause you missed standup more. Do you want it?
19. I missed, I missed standup. Well, what was happening is-
20. ASAri Shaffir
  It's the most fun.
21. BKBert Kreischer
  ... Tom's career was exploding at the time, the day I fell off a waterfall.
22. ASAri Shaffir
  (laughs)
23. BKBert Kreischer
  Do you remember that?
24. Yeah.
25. I was in Aspen, and Push called me, and she's like, "I'm talking to Tom, and he's talking about these one-nighters, but I wanna do the Funny Bones." And I was so far removed from standup, I didn't even, I didn't even know you could do one-nighters. I didn't know that theaters were an option. And I think I was at a store a week later, and you were like, "You know, Tom's doing, like, legit theaters." And I, I remember just going, "I missed... What if I just missed it entirely?"
26. JRJoe Rogan
  He could have, and some people do.
27. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah, some people do.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  We all know guys that were really funny back in the day, and then they somehow or another quit.
29. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  It fell apart.
9:41 – 11:46
Morning TV/radio is a bizarre showbiz rung: DJ Dad Mouth and chaotic promo stories
1. JRJoe Rogan
  DJ Dad Mouth was my favorite character that anybody's ever brought to a morning TV show.
2. ASAri Shaffir
  Oh, thanks, man.
3. BKBert Kreischer
  With the maybe-
4. That... That was the-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  When he used to do that.
6. ASAri Shaffir
  That was so fun.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  I loved that you were doing that, because I hated those shows. I was like, "Why would he do those shows?"
8. ASAri Shaffir
  Morning TV is terrible.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  But then when you'd do morning TV dressed up like a fake rapper, he's-
10. ASAri Shaffir
  She did. This lady.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ... for people who don't know, Segura created a character called DJ Dad Mouth, and he would just show up places, and the people did not know what the fuck to do with him, because the lowest rung in all of show business is morning television host.
12. ASAri Shaffir
  Local morning television.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  I'm so sorry if you listen to this and you're a, a local morning television host. Look, I used to deliver newspapers, okay?
14. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  They were all bad jobs.
16. ASAri Shaffir
  Way better than morning host.
17. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  It's, it's one of the lowest rungs in all of show bus- it's a weird rung, where you're trapped.
19. BKBert Kreischer
  The worst.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  It's like, it's like you're broadcasting out of, like, a Christian convenience store or something. It's very strange.
21. BKBert Kreischer
  The worst part too is the four of us plus, like, 90% of the acts working those clubs do not have a fan base watching that show.
22. ASAri Shaffir
  No way.
23. BKBert Kreischer
  You know what I mean?
24. ASAri Shaffir
  No way.
25. BKBert Kreischer
  (clears throat)
26. So you, you put it together, you're like, "This is definitely a waste of time." Like, "We're wasting our time right now."
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
28. ASAri Shaffir
  And then if you, that's your only one that morning-
29. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah, you're like-
30. ASAri Shaffir
  ... where like, "You woke me up at fucking 6:00 to do this?"
11:46 – 15:25
Tracy Morgan’s Bugatti crash and celebrity excess
1. JRJoe Rogan
  He, he just crashed his $2 million Bugatti today.
2. BKBert Kreischer
  Today?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yep. A Honda sideswiped him.
4. BKBert Kreischer
  Whoa.
5. Oh.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  In Hell's Kitchen.
7. ASAri Shaffir
  He got him, I got hit by a, he got hit by a Walmart truck.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Some dirty Honda-driving savage ran into a $2 million Italian sports car.
9. ASAri Shaffir
  Damn.
10. BKBert Kreischer
  I saw, I did a show with him, uh, like a year and a half ago, one of the Oddball shows. And he came in a all-white Rolls-Royce with a...... profess- like, with a driver. You know, like a chauffeur?
11. TSTom Segura
  Mm-hmm.
12. BKBert Kreischer
  And he came in all white and had, like, a- a- a fucking enormous gold chain with a medallion-
13. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
14. BKBert Kreischer
  ... TM, and I was like, "That chain looks crazy." He's like, "Like, $600,000." Some, some crazy shit.
15. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
16. BKBert Kreischer
  This is today.
17. TSTom Segura
  Dude, look at this.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, look at this.
19. TSTom Segura
  He's earning it.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Look at this guy sideswipe Tracy Morgan's convertible-
21. BKBert Kreischer
  (sighs)
22. JRJoe Rogan
  ... $2 million Bugatti.
23. TSTom Segura
  What?
24. BKBert Kreischer
  He's letting people know.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, in the- in the Honda's-
26. TSTom Segura
  What's he even wearing?
27. ASAri Shaffir
  (laughs)
28. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
29. JRJoe Rogan
  ... defense ... (laughs) The g- in the Honda's defense, it's a very low car. He has a high car. He probably looked over, saw nothing.
30. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
15:25 – 21:38
Comedy’s early internet roots: Tom Green, bandwidth-era podcasting, and O&A inspiration
1. TSTom Segura
  Tom Green had a great, great, what I'm remembering now-
2. JRJoe Rogan
  He's got his.
3. TSTom Segura
  ... back when he was, like, public access-
4. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah.
5. TSTom Segura
  ... and he was trying to promote his public access-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah.
7. TSTom Segura
  It became The Tom Green Show, and he just took over.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  He did some crazy shit, man.
9. TSTom Segura
  Ties in the face, yeah, exactly.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  You know what's amazing is, like, him and then that other dude, Jamie Kennedy. They did their best shit where they were, like, pranking people.
11. TSTom Segura
  Jackass.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  And then they just stopped.
13. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah. Man, but Tom's blew up so crazy, man.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  So crazy.
15. BKBert Kreischer
  That-
16. TSTom Segura
  T- when Tom Green was on, I couldn't ... It- it was stuff I couldn't even believe.
17. BKBert Kreischer
  Tom Green did Oprah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  (sighs) Wow.
19. TSTom Segura
  Did he really?
20. BKBert Kreischer
  Oprah. Yes, Oprah was like, "We're gonna ..." Like, this, it was such a phenomena, what was going on. Show was so big.
21. TSTom Segura
  He milked a cow with his mouth.
22. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah. Put- he put "Slutmobile" on his dad's, the hood of his car.
23. TSTom Segura
  Oh my God, on his parents ... And then hid in the bushes.
24. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah.
25. TSTom Segura
  He didn't just like, "Let me fuck a dozen random people." Like, "My mommy and daddy."
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Did people forget? Did people forget Tom Green? What happened?
27. TSTom Segura
  People forgot.
28. BKBert Kreischer
  No, he, but he's-
29. TSTom Segura
  No, he got bowel cancer, had to take a break.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  (clears throat) Yeah.
21:38 – 28:16
Old New York vs. Disney Times Square: danger, hustlers, and 3-card monte
1. JRJoe Rogan
  When did you, when did you go? What year?
2. TSTom Segura
  What?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  First time in the city.
4. TSTom Segura
  I went, I left, I went there six years, oh, first time I've ever been there?
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
6. TSTom Segura
  Oh, like-
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Did you see Times Square when it was Times Square?
8. TSTom Segura
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I d- I was like, "What's that woman wearing a bra?" (laughs) Like, just a bra.
9. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
10. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
11. BKBert Kreischer
  My mom was like, "Eh, whatever."
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Isn't it crazy that what they did to Times Square, they turned Times Square into, like, like a-
13. BKBert Kreischer
  It's gross now.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  ... a Disney mall.
15. BKBert Kreischer
  It is.
16. TSTom Segura
  It's disgusting.
17. BKBert Kreischer
  It's, it's, it's New York's version of, like, of, like-
18. JRJoe Rogan
  It's weird.
19. BKBert Kreischer
  ... Disneyland, yeah.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  It's weird.
21. TSTom Segura
  It's disgusting.
22. BKBert Kreischer
  Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  But it's-
24. BKBert Kreischer
  And it's a nightmare whenever you're visiting, and all s- you know, you, like when you're visiting, you're in a car.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh-huh.
26. BKBert Kreischer
  "Hey, we need to go to this." And all of a sudden you look up, and you're like, "Are we in fucking Times Squ-" Like, you're just driving through it.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
28. BKBert Kreischer
  I'm like, "We gotta get outta here, man."
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
30. BKBert Kreischer
  Like, the-
28:16 – 34:04
Coca leaves vs. cocaine: drug tangents, social consequences, and dark comedy
1. TSTom Segura
  You know what I'd love to make start growing, is coca plants, the kind where you just chew the leaves.
2. ASAri Shaffir
  I don't think you can grow them here.
3. TSTom Segura
  Uh.
4. ASAri Shaffir
  I don't think the climate's suitable.
5. TSTom Segura
  Mm, you can get there.
6. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah.
7. TSTom Segura
  You can get there, and if-
8. ASAri Shaffir
  I bet you could get some.
9. TSTom Segura
  You can make ... You could, you could, like, organize, like, a, a closet with some heat lamps and shit.
10. ASAri Shaffir
  Do you think so?
11. TSTom Segura
  Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
12. BKBert Kreischer
  And, uh, just have ... Just to, like, chew a little bit-
13. ASAri Shaffir
  Well, let's-
14. TSTom Segura
  ... you know, when you go to work
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
16. ASAri Shaffir
  Let's find out. How many people are growing their own coca leaves in the United States?
17. TSTom Segura
  I don't think anyone would want to. Why not?
18. ASAri Shaffir
  Why wouldn't you have-
19. BKBert Kreischer
  I would love to.
20. ASAri Shaffir
  Don't you want-
21. TSTom Segura
  I think you need so much of it. That's why those fields are like-
22. BKBert Kreischer
  To make cocaine.
23. ASAri Shaffir
  Right.
24. BKBert Kreischer
  If you could just make those Peruvian leaves, those old women would be-
25. TSTom Segura
  You just wanna be like, like, uh, one of those bears.
26. ASAri Shaffir
  I feel like people would be doing that, wouldn't they?
27. TSTom Segura
  I would love ... Talk to Aubrey Marcus.
28. ASAri Shaffir
  It's a cr- the crazy thing is-
29. TSTom Segura
  Make it happen, Aubrey.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
34:04 – 40:09
Back to the point: designing Sober October 2019 rules and challenges
1. JRJoe Rogan
  So boys, we're brought here for a reason, not just to talk shit.
2. BKBert Kreischer
  Jesus.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  But we're trying to figure out, um, how to do sober October this year. We need to figure this out.
4. BKBert Kreischer
  What are we gonna do for sober October? My-
5. TSTom Segura
  Well, I, I, I will... I already-
6. BKBert Kreischer
  Sober-
7. TSTom Segura
  ... I already have the answer and I think it's early for me to say it now, so I'll wait till the end.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, you son of a bitch.
9. BKBert Kreischer
  You have your-
10. TSTom Segura
  You have your-
11. BKBert Kreischer
  ... bastard.
12. TSTom Segura
  ... you have your thought?
13. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
14. TSTom Segura
  I have... I know exactly what we're doing.
15. BKBert Kreischer
  Okay, so-
16. JRJoe Rogan
  What are we doing?
17. BKBert Kreischer
  ... the sober part is happening though, right?
18. TSTom Segura
  Just tell us. What are we doing?
19. BKBert Kreischer
  Sober part is sober.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, we're going sober.
21. TSTom Segura
  Going sober. Tom's got an aggressive schedule.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  I think we should go no coffee.
23. BKBert Kreischer
  Okay.
24. TSTom Segura
  Ooh. Really?
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yep.
26. BKBert Kreischer
  Ooh, step it up. Tha- that's not sobriety, but-
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Why?
28. BKBert Kreischer
  ... (burps) I'm fine with that.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  It is.
30. BKBert Kreischer
  I drink a good amount of coffee.
40:09 – 56:26
The big pitch: Hip-hop dance-off with choreographers—and the ‘subjective judging’ problem
1. BKBert Kreischer
  This year's Sober October, physical challenge.
2. ASAri Shaffir
  Why keep presenting it like a fucking p- presidential candidate?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  It's like an apple crumble.
4. ASAri Shaffir
  When I win-
5. BKBert Kreischer
  I feel like it's gonna be good.
6. Hip-hop dance.
7. (laughs)
8. ASAri Shaffir
  Get the fuck outta here.
9. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
10. Hip-hop dance. Joe, hear me out. Joe, hear me out.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Joe's got a broken arm.
12. BKBert Kreischer
  Joe, hear me out.
13. You can't even spin.
14. Let me soft sell you. Let me soft sell you, okay? We each get a choreographer and we work dance classes as much as we can. Dance classes are pretty aggressive.
15. And would we leave it to the audience to vote?
16. Here, listen to me. Hear me out. Hear me out.
17. ASAri Shaffir
  When? Starting when?
18. BKBert Kreischer
  I like that idea, Joe. We can do that. Now hear me out.
19. ASAri Shaffir
  Starting when? (laughs)
20. BKBert Kreischer
  We each 1st of October. That's what you do in a pitch, you make them think it was their idea. Yeah, yeah, it's a great idea.
21. All right, I want you to look over-
22. ASAri Shaffir
  (laughs)
23. BKBert Kreischer
  Si-
24. I want you to look over at that belt. You're never getting that belt.
25. Hold on, hold on one second.
26. Oh, shit.
27. Hear me, guys, hear me out. Everyone listen to me.
28. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah, you should wear that for this. (laughs)
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, oh. (laughs)
30. BKBert Kreischer
  Oh, this could be good.

Episode duration: 3:01:04

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Post-Sober October trauma and last year’s near-meltdown

Bert’s “party” image vs. real life: the LeeAnn radio sabotage story

Road success & leveling up: from clubs to theaters (and the Dice advice)

Bert’s Travel Channel era: cool life, wrong path, and the fear of missing standup

Morning TV/radio is a bizarre showbiz rung: DJ Dad Mouth and chaotic promo stories

Tracy Morgan’s Bugatti crash and celebrity excess

Comedy’s early internet roots: Tom Green, bandwidth-era podcasting, and O&A inspiration

Old New York vs. Disney Times Square: danger, hustlers, and 3-card monte

Coca leaves vs. cocaine: drug tangents, social consequences, and dark comedy

Back to the point: designing Sober October 2019 rules and challenges

The big pitch: Hip-hop dance-off with choreographers—and the ‘subjective judging’ problem

Get more out of YouTube videos.