Joe Rogan Experience #1357 - Ari Shaffir

Joe Rogan 0:00 Mm, Ari Shaffir, we're here.

Ari Shaffir 0:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:03 It's Sober October.

Ari Shaffir 0:04 Bleh.

Joe Rogan 0:05 Hey, are we allowed to smoke cigars or no?

Ari Shaffir 0:07 Yeah, we're allowed to smoke cigars.

Joe Rogan 0:08 Let's smoke a cigar. Let's fucking bend the rules a little.

Ari Shaffir 0:11 I have three in my trunk.

Joe Rogan 0:12 I have two right here.

Ari Shaffir 0:13 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:14 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 0:14 I mean...

Joe Rogan 0:15 These are good. I was, uh, smoking cigars with Burr on the show. People are gonna be mad at us.

Ari Shaffir 0:19 Why?

Joe Rogan 0:19 "This is tobacco. You're using tobacco products. You're totally cheating."

Ari Shaffir 0:23 Well, they can suck my cheese.

Joe Rogan 0:25 Hmm. Um, they can or it can?

Ari Shaffir 0:28 They can suck my cheese-

Joe Rogan 0:30 Oh, okay. Sucking cheese.

Ari Shaffir 0:30 ... with their fucking stupid rules. It's already hard enough.

Joe Rogan 0:32 Okay. Cheese.

Ari Shaffir 0:34 Do you remember one time-

Joe Rogan 0:34 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:34 ... you weren't, you weren't masturbating for a month?

Joe Rogan 0:37 Yeah, true.

Ari Shaffir 0:37 You remember that?

Joe Rogan 0:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 0:38 And all those people were like, "Yeah, but you're having sex. Don't do it with sex." And you're like, "Dude, I'm not playing your game. I'm doing a thing for myself."

Joe Rogan 0:45 Yeah. Doing my game. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 0:47 (laughs) Everybody wants rules. I start working out. "Oh, what are you doing?" "Oh, just bench." "No, dude, you gotta do legs, or you're not doing anything." (laughs) You're like, "Can you give me two times?"

Joe Rogan 0:56 Yeah, well, that's-

Ari Shaffir 0:56 "Are you doing iso?"

Joe Rogan 0:58 Isn't that the problem though just with, um, though with, uh, just interacting with people online? There's always gonna be someone that's upset at you for something.

Ari Shaffir 1:05 Yeah, mad at you.

Joe Rogan 1:06 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 1:06 For trying.

Joe Rogan 1:07 For anything.

Ari Shaffir 1:08 He'd rather I don't try.

Joe Rogan 1:09 Anything. No matter what you're doing, there's someone pissed.

Ari Shaffir 1:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:13 Psh.

Ari Shaffir 1:14 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:15 What are you gonna do?

Ari Shaffir 1:15 It's such a crazy place, the internet.

Joe Rogan 1:17 Oh, it's so crazy. And that's where we make our home. That's what's really crazy.

Ari Shaffir 1:20 It really is nuts. It's just as-

Joe Rogan 1:22 Are you on that light phone now? What are you, when are you on that?

Ari Shaffir 1:23 No, it hasn't come yet. It's coming at the end of October.

Joe Rogan 1:25 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 1:26 I, I'm trying a regular phone this month.

Joe Rogan 1:29 A regular phone?

Ari Shaffir 1:29 Yeah. I, so I got a new number.

Joe Rogan 1:31 Spark that.

Ari Shaffir 1:32 Oh, yeah. I got a new-

Joe Rogan 1:33 Like a cell phone?

Ari Shaffir 1:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:34 Like a real cell phone, like a smartphone?

Ari Shaffir 1:36 No, I got a new number and it's a regular flip phone.

Joe Rogan 1:39 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 1:39 But the old number, I'm keeping it on on a smartphone.

Joe Rogan 1:43 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 1:43 And I'm seeing if I can handle it for a month.

Joe Rogan 1:45 You can handle it.

Ari Shaffir 1:46 I don't know. Signs are not great already.

Joe Rogan 1:48 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:48 It's the fucking being alone and just kind of flipping through.

Joe Rogan 1:51 Well-

Ari Shaffir 1:51 Watching Walking Dead and then flipping f- like, o- double screens.

Joe Rogan 1:54 My daughter has, um, a phone now, but she has a little thing. My young, my middle daughter, not like the older one. That would be ridiculous. But, um, where you, she has a screen limitation, where she can only, uh, use the screen for-

Ari Shaffir 2:07 Can she turn it off?

Joe Rogan 2:09 Can she? No.

Ari Shaffir 2:09 Yeah. It's not just on an alarm?

Joe Rogan 2:11 No. She doesn't get to. We do it. So she got an hour. You got an hour.

Ari Shaffir 2:14 And then what happens after the hour?

Joe Rogan 2:16 It stops working.

Ari Shaffir 2:16 What, what stops working?

Joe Rogan 2:18 Everything except phone calls. You can get phone calls in.

Ari Shaffir 2:20 An hour of total use.

Joe Rogan 2:22 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 2:23 See, I need that, but I can't find anything like that. So how, how does she not be able to turn it off? 'Cause you have the passwords for it.

Joe Rogan 2:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 2:29 Oh, so I just gotta give them-

Joe Rogan 2:30 Well, you just don't give yourself the chance to do the passwords.

Ari Shaffir 2:33 What do you mean?

Joe Rogan 2:34 Just, just put it on an hour and when the hour's on over, just accept it in your head.

Ari Shaffir 2:38 That's not gonna happen.

Guest 2:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:39 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 2:40 That's crazy talk. Jamie, explain to him, that's crazy talk.

Guest 2:43 It doesn't work.

Ari Shaffir 2:43 I know. (laughs)

Guest 2:44 An hour? Well, for a kid, maybe, but-

Ari Shaffir 2:45 No matter what the time limit is, as soon as you see, like, your time's up, you just go, "Oh, well, let me finish sending this one thing."

Joe Rogan 2:51 I'm hoping that Bert and Tom both say that we cheated already.

Guest 2:54 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:54 Because we're smoking cigars-

Ari Shaffir 2:55 And then we're out.

Joe Rogan 2:56 ... and we're good.

Ari Shaffir 2:56 Dude, the first year-

Joe Rogan 2:57 I'll take everybody to dinner somewhere.

Ari Shaffir 2:58 S- somebody said kombucha. They were like, "Kombucha already cheated." I was like, "Guys, you tell me right now if this is cheating, 'cause I'm done."

Joe Rogan 3:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 3:03 It's cool. I'm out.

Joe Rogan 3:05 One of the great things about our contest is there's no real ramifications other than talking shit. You know, like, Bert came in last, but what happened to him? Nothing.

Ari Shaffir 3:13 What happened to him?

Joe Rogan 3:14 Nothing.

Ari Shaffir 3:14 Nothing.

Joe Rogan 3:15 He, he just talked, we just talked shit about him.

Guest 3:17 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 3:17 Fuck him. All he did was talk shit and then dealt with no repercussions.

Joe Rogan 3:20 We all knew that we couldn't lose to Bert. That was, that was, um, a massive motivating factor for everyone, including Tom. Remember when Tom came back and he ran 13 fucking miles?

Ari Shaffir 3:28 He was done. On injury, he was done.

Joe Rogan 3:30 Well, he was sick. He got really sick. He caught the flu.

Ari Shaffir 3:32 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:32 And he came back, and the day back, he ran 13 fucking miles.

Ari Shaffir 3:36 To try to, like, catch up.

Joe Rogan 3:37 And he did catch up.

Ari Shaffir 3:38 He did.

Joe Rogan 3:38 Catch up and pass him. Bert was like, "What are you doing? I thought I was winning. I thought I was gonna win."

Ari Shaffir 3:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:43 "Let's hip hop dance."

Ari Shaffir 3:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:49 "What are you doing? What are you doing? I thought I was gonna win."

Ari Shaffir 3:54 (laughs)

Guest 3:54 What about the... Is there a belt this year or, uh-

Joe Rogan 3:56 No, the belt stays-

Guest 3:57 ... a second belt, new belt?

Joe Rogan 3:58 Well, I feel like, uh, the, there's no belt because it's not a competition this year. This is the problem.

Ari Shaffir 4:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:04 The pr- and we're gonna explain this, f- folks, on the Sober October podcast, which is right after this. But the problem is we, none of us have the time for the competition. Uh, I can't go crazy.

Ari Shaffir 4:15 Why? What's different from this year to last year?

Joe Rogan 4:18 I'm too busy.

Ari Shaffir 4:19 Is... Question.

Joe Rogan 4:20 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 4:20 Is your schedule not exactly the same as it was last year?

Joe Rogan 4:23 It's more podcasts for sure.

Ari Shaffir 4:24 Oh, you're doing more podcasts.

Joe Rogan 4:25 Yeah, more podcasts. And, um, other various activities outside of the podcast. And then the heat that I took from my family. Like, my kids didn't see me for a month.

Ari Shaffir 4:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:36 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 4:36 That's why I thought I had some sort of chance 'cause you guys had to be home. But I forgot that you guys also have gyms in your home.

Joe Rogan 4:42 Yeah, yeah, I have a full gym.

Ari Shaffir 4:44 I had that 24-hour gym I would go to.

Joe Rogan 4:46 That's pretty dope.

Ari Shaffir 4:47 We'd do those. Yeah, on the way home from sel-... That's why I got some nice points.

Joe Rogan 4:50 Yeah, that's a good move. Well, you, when you first figured out that you could just watch a movie and that that distracts you enough to do cardio and you can get some pretty good numbers-

Ari Shaffir 4:59 Keep going. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:59 ... I was like, "Oh, that's pretty smart." Because that does distract the shit outta you. It makes it way easier.

Ari Shaffir 5:05 Yeah, I would just post... My workout would just be the movie that I watched.

Joe Rogan 5:09 Dude, I'm already high from the cigar. I feel like we're qu-

Ari Shaffir 5:10 Yeah, right?

Joe Rogan 5:11 I feel like we, we're out.

Ari Shaffir 5:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:14 I'm just hoping Tom and Bert come in and smell it. "Wait, you guys smoke cigars? Are you guys smoking cigars?"

Ari Shaffir 5:20 I didn't know we were doing the cigars as well.

Joe Rogan 5:22 "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you guys are out."

Ari Shaffir 5:25 I mean, I didn't know you were gonna do cigars.

Joe Rogan 5:25 "Oh, Tommy and I are gonna win. Let's just, let's just win one. We'll both, we'll, we'll, we'll stand on the platform together."

Ari Shaffir 5:32 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:33 "First place. We don't have to compete. Yay. Let's have a dance off for first place. Come on."

Ari Shaffir 5:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:40 Dance off. When he was talking dance off, I was like, "He's just gonna take his pants off. I know what he's gonna do." And then he did that video, and that's exactly what he did.

Ari Shaffir 5:47 That's exactly what he did.

Joe Rogan 5:48 Took his fucking pants off.

Ari Shaffir 5:48 That was what Big Jay did fucking first two years in a comedy when he was, said he was terrible. He would do the pants off thing.

Joe Rogan 5:54 Good move.

Ari Shaffir 5:54 And that's what Bert's doing now 28 years into comedy.

Joe Rogan 5:57 Yeah, he should stop that. But people get mad if he, if he doesn't take his shirt off.

Ari Shaffir 6:01 I know.

Joe Rogan 6:02 It's... He's in a trap.

Ari Shaffir 6:04 I would be mad too. If I went to see Bert Kreischer his final time doing standup in my city-What's the matter with him?

Joe Rogan 6:11 It's loud. That vent is loud, it sounds like there's-

Ari Shaffir 6:12 Does it?

Joe Rogan 6:12 ... a fucking wa- tornado in here.

Ari Shaffir 6:14 Does it?

Joe Rogan 6:15 I can hear it through the headphones. It's louder than normal.

Ari Shaffir 6:16 Is it because we're smoking cigars?

Joe Rogan 6:17 Yeah, I know.

Ari Shaffir 6:18 Damn, I got a head rush off this cigar.

Joe Rogan 6:19 That's what I'm saying, we're high, dude. We're cheating.

Ari Shaffir 6:22 Fuck.

Joe Rogan 6:22 We're fucking for sure cheating.

Ari Shaffir 6:24 I don't know what I'm gonna do, dude. This whole fucking, the Yankees are going all the way, I'm gonna have to fucking go to Yankee games.

Joe Rogan 6:29 Wait, we're out. We're out on our first podcast.

Ari Shaffir 6:31 We're already out. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:31 We're getting high.

Ari Shaffir 6:32 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:32 We want to take a drug test right now, like a- elevated levels of nicotine. That's what's killing me.

Ari Shaffir 6:35 We should be doing So Bombed October. We really should be going for it the other way.

Joe Rogan 6:39 We have to switch it up. We could talk those guys into it.

Ari Shaffir 6:40 Let's just switch it up, you guys. Some whiskey meals, really go hard.

Joe Rogan 6:44 Yum. Mushrooms every other day.

Ari Shaffir 6:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:47 Can you imagine what kind of a person you'd be at the end of the month if you did mushrooms every other day?

Ari Shaffir 6:51 Can I tell you a story?

Joe Rogan 6:52 Sure.

Ari Shaffir 6:53 So I went to a music festival and there was this guy who had ... A lot of my camp had never done any mushrooms. And this guy did mushrooms for four straight days. Four straight days. He, the second day he was like, "Can we do mushrooms again?" I'm like, "I ... They're not gonna work, you really have to do twice as much." He just kept going. Third day, kept going, just munching mushrooms. Four days. Didn't touch his phone at all. Didn't touch it. He had like 4% battery the whole time it was off. And then he turned it on and he texted and he had to tell work he wasn't gonna come in the Monday. You know? He'll work from home. They gave him some shit and he just looked at his phone. After being on shrooms for four days, he looked at his phone, he could just see it rush into his head like, "This thing brings me such fucking misery and I had such a good time without it." And you could just see all that sweat on his head, he just goes, and he fucking launches it.

Joe Rogan 7:40 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 7:41 He just chucked his fucking iPhone as far as he could.

Joe Rogan 7:44 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 7:44 Yeah. (laughs) It was such a great moment. You can't do mushrooms too many days in a row, you get fucked up.

Joe Rogan 7:51 Yeah, what, did he d- did he sober up after that and then call his-

Ari Shaffir 7:54 No, his friend-

Joe Rogan 7:54 ... job and apologize and get a new phone?

Ari Shaffir 7:56 ... his other f- his other friend went and got it and like held it and pointed it out. I'm like, "No, I'm holding this for you." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:01 (laughs) It wasn't broken?

Ari Shaffir 8:03 No, it didn't break.

Joe Rogan 8:04 That's amazing.

Ari Shaffir 8:05 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:05 Where were you guys at? Was it dirt you threw it on?

Ari Shaffir 8:07 It was on a dirt/rock path, yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:10 So it could've easily hit a rock.

Ari Shaffir 8:11 Yeah, easily.

Joe Rogan 8:12 Oof. Do you have a case on it?

Ari Shaffir 8:15 I don't know. (laughs) I don't know. I think more the point is that he threw it.

Joe Rogan 8:19 The new ones are supposed to be way more resistant, to drop it.

Ari Shaffir 8:22 I love how the, as soon as they came out, they were like, "Oh, and if you drop it from more than a foot away, it's gonna break, this grand new design, the iPhone 2010."

Joe Rogan 8:31 Yeah. It is a weird thing, right, where guarantee you're gonna drop it.

Ari Shaffir 8:34 Guarantee.

Joe Rogan 8:34 And guarantee if you drop it, it's gonna break. Like I had Neil deGrasse Tyson on recently and he's always got NoCase on his phone, that's the thing. He marvels about the, the, the design, it's amazing design. And what you do is you get Jamie rocks NoCase because of Neil deGrasse Tyson's big old comment.

Ari Shaffir 8:48 You gotta listen to him.

Joe Rogan 8:49 over there.

Ari Shaffir 8:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:49 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 8:49 Why, what'd he say?

Joe Rogan 8:51 But anyway, he came back and his fucking phone was broken.

Ari Shaffir 8:55 Really?

Joe Rogan 8:55 He had dropped it, 'cause he pulled his pants off, like, or, uh, his jacket off or something like that, and it was in the pocket of his jacket and it fell to the floor when he, like, pulled his jacket off the couch.

Ari Shaffir 9:04 Oh, yeah, he didn't g- he didn't account for the centrifugal force of his pants coming down, off the-

Joe Rogan 9:08 And gravity.

Ari Shaffir 9:08 ... off the torque-

Joe Rogan 9:09 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 9:09 ... off all that.

Joe Rogan 9:10 Exactly.

Ari Shaffir 9:10 It didn't account.

Joe Rogan 9:11 So he has this Starry Night van Gogh painting, it's-

Ari Shaffir 9:14 It's all shattered.

Joe Rogan 9:15 ... like a, a thing on his back, the back of his phone, and little bits of glass were coming off it and he realized that it was cracked. Like, "Ha ha, I got a case on mine."

Ari Shaffir 9:23 (laughs) Ha ha, you're not smart.

Joe Rogan 9:24 "Ha ha, so smart that you don't have a case." But it is weird that there, we have this super expensive thing that everybody carries around with them that if you do drop it, it will get fucked up.

Ari Shaffir 9:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:35 What, man? What? Did you see that new Fold phone that costs like $2000? The Galaxy-

Ari Shaffir 9:38 I heard about those years ago.

Joe Rogan 9:39 ... you can't even use a pen or you can't use your fingernail or anything, it'll scratch the screen.

Ari Shaffir 9:42 Oh what? That's crazy high.

Joe Rogan 9:43 What, the Galaxy Fold? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If you use a pen? Like- Like you can't use like that S Pen, you can't, barely, n- not even a fingernail, it'll-

Ari Shaffir 9:50 That's dumb. How do you use it?

Joe Rogan 9:51 ... scratch that. I don't know how tough it is.

Ari Shaffir 9:52 Touch it softly.

Joe Rogan 9:52 Well, it's so flexible, you know, because it has to, the screen has to flex.

Ari Shaffir 9:55 So what do you just, fingertip? Like ...

Joe Rogan 9:56 It's not, it's not durable enough.

Ari Shaffir 9:58 It's not ready yet.

Joe Rogan 9:58 This is the second design.

Ari Shaffir 9:59 Right.

Joe Rogan 10:00 This is the second iteration of it, and the first iteration like immediately started breaking as soon as all the, those, you know those influencers, those YouTube guys?

Ari Shaffir 10:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:08 Like Unbox Therapy and MKHD, MKBHD. Got it, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 10:13 What is that?

Joe Rogan 10:14 Uh, why don't I wanna s- take the B out? MKBHD. Is that right? Yeah, you got it. Right? You got it. It's just a lot of letters. Yeah. Marcus Brownlee. Anyway, he's awesome. It takes a lot. Um, these guys, these, uh, YouTube guys-

Ari Shaffir 10:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:24 ... that make these videos explaining all the details, technical details to these phones, they got them early and they all broke. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 10:30 Really?

Joe Rogan 10:31 Everyone's broke.

Ari Shaffir 10:31 Oh.

Joe Rogan 10:32 So they had to send it back and they did a revision of it. It was supposed to come out in April and now it just came out here in October. And a couple people have them broken already. It's two grand. You know, that's so expensive for a f- a phone.

Ari Shaffir 10:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:44 The new iPhone's maybe $1200 bucks I think. I'm not buying it either. I don't like the fold. I don't like the whole idea behind it. But it looks nice.

Ari Shaffir 10:51 But you have a tablet on you is the point, right?

Joe Rogan 10:53 Yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 10:53 At any moment you have a full tablet you can really type and-

Joe Rogan 10:55 Yeah, but it's not that much bigger than like a Galaxy Note. But if you would like-

Ari Shaffir 10:58 But those things are so big for your pocket.

Joe Rogan 11:00 ... YouTube videos and stuff.

Ari Shaffir 11:01 The Note?

Joe Rogan 11:01 Netflix videos on the go.

Ari Shaffir 11:03 That Lite phone I'm excited about, the Lite 2.

Joe Rogan 11:06 Mm-hmm. You download Uber on it and stuff like that?

Ari Shaffir 11:09 Do you need app-

Joe Rogan 11:09 There's a couple apps, right?

Ari Shaffir 11:10 There's, yeah, there's a ride sharing app. I don't know which one. I guess probably Uber, right? There's a, some maps app.

Joe Rogan 11:16 Uber or Lyft. But like this.

Ari Shaffir 11:18 That's pretty good.

Joe Rogan 11:19 Look how this works.

Ari Shaffir 11:20 Oh.

Joe Rogan 11:20 See this shit on the outside?

Ari Shaffir 11:21 Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 11:22 It's all protected. This is the Galaxy case.

Ari Shaffir 11:25 That's nice.

Joe Rogan 11:25 It's a special case, it has like a little s- little thing on the kno- this is my Note. So I have a Note now and I have an iPhone. But the Note, the S Pen's pretty fucking sweet, I'm not gonna lie. There's a lot, a lot of sweetness to it.

Ari Shaffir 11:38 The S Pen, do you, do you write on it?

Joe Rogan 11:40 Mm-hmm. Yeah, I write notes on it. But the, uh, the thing about this-

Ari Shaffir 11:43 Where?

Joe Rogan 11:43 ... thing that's very impressive, there's a lot of, a lot of things. The size, the fact that when you, uh, have it open, it has an inprint sp- in, in, um, in-screen fingerprint reader, but there's no bezels, like look at that.

Ari Shaffir 11:54 What's a bezel?

Joe Rogan 11:55 There's no outer rim on the outside. It's just all screen. There's no thick black line around the ou- outside edges.

Ari Shaffir 12:03 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 12:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 12:04 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 12:04 Yeah. Just all screen. There's one little button on the top, one little hole on the top where the, uh, selfie camera is.

Ari Shaffir 12:12 I'm excited for Joker.

Joe Rogan 12:14 Yeah. Looks, looks pretty good.

Ari Shaffir 12:16 It does look pretty good.

Joe Rogan 12:17 Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was pretending to be crazy?

Ari Shaffir 12:20 Yeah. What was that? And you could sort of tell at the time that he was sort of pretending.

Joe Rogan 12:23 Yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 12:24 He was, he's-

Joe Rogan 12:25 He was, he had a character he was doing for a documentary.

Ari Shaffir 12:27 Yeah. And it was like, "What, what is this? I don't get it." Have ... Did you see the guy from Empire's, um, speech, like, interview?

Joe Rogan 12:33 Yes. Yes.

Ari Shaffir 12:34 Wow.

Joe Rogan 12:34 Yes. Yes.

Ari Shaffir 12:35 Like, that seems-

Joe Rogan 12:36 Terrence-

Ari Shaffir 12:36 ... almost like he's not preten- ... Like, he's, if he's-

Joe Rogan 12:38 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 12:38 ... pretending, he's doing a better job acting than Jaoquin Phoenix did.

Joe Rogan 12:41 What is his ... Terrence?

Guest 12:42 Terrence Howard. Yeah. He saw a-

Ari Shaffir 12:43 How ... Yeah.

Guest 12:44 ... Flower of Life or something.

Joe Rogan 12:44 Well, Terrence Howard, uh, the guy who interviewed me for Rolling Stone, told me that Terrence Howard is, like, a legitimate genius. Like, he's like ... He talked to the guy. The guy's absolutely brilliant.

Ari Shaffir 12:54 Maybe he figured it all out.

Joe Rogan 12:55 I think he got high as fuck on DMT. That's what it sounds like. He's talking about flowers and-

Ari Shaffir 12:58 He figured it all out. Yeah. It does sound-

Joe Rogan 13:00 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:00 ... like that, right?

Joe Rogan 13:01 100%. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:02 Yeah. It all makes sense. Like, the i- ... But the inability to explain it, just kinda like, "It's all connected." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:07 But he was ex- not explaining it very well, but very articulately. Like, he was using ... It wasn't, like, nonsense talk.

Ari Shaffir 13:15 Right.

Joe Rogan 13:15 He was like, like, "Oh, this is, like, shockingly coherent for a ridiculous thing to say." (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:23 (laughs) You ever have Shane on to talk about what happened to him?

Joe Rogan 13:25 Shane? Which one?

Ari Shaffir 13:27 Uh, Shane Mauss.

Joe Rogan 13:28 No.

Ari Shaffir 13:29 He did. I think-

Joe Rogan 13:29 Oh, yeah. No. I've had him on.

Ari Shaffir 13:30 ... it was mushrooms.

Joe Rogan 13:30 I've had him on back ... Y- m- which, which, which ... What happened to him, though? Which-

Ari Shaffir 13:34 He did ... I think he did mushrooms every day for a month, or DMT every day for a month, and he also covered himself in, in ... I'm getting the terms wrong, but maybe Syrian rue so that shit couldn't come out of his system.

Joe Rogan 13:45 What?

Ari Shaffir 13:45 And he went a little bit nutty. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:47 How long ago was this?

Ari Shaffir 13:48 Hmm. Maybe a year and a half ago.

Joe Rogan 13:51 Oh, okay. So I had him on-

Ari Shaffir 13:52 A year ago.

Joe Rogan 13:52 ... before that.

Ari Shaffir 13:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:53 I had him on before that.

Ari Shaffir 13:54 So we went to see Roger Waters. He'd got tickets for me in Providence. We went down there, and he was, like, talking like ... He was like, "I figured out these math equations." And he was like ... The whole time, he was like, "Dude, I know. I'm get it ... I'm a science guy. I get this seems ridiculous. I understand why you wouldn't believe me, but I can, like, figure shit out to the point where mathematicians are like, 'Hmm, I never thought of it that way.' " He's like, "I don't understand how it's possible, but I get why you wouldn't believe that." Um, yeah. He, uh ... He was like he was ... You know when you're coming out of a mushroom trip-

Joe Rogan 14:23 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 14:23 ... for, like, 30, 40 minutes? You're, like, not quite coherent 'cause you got a foot in there and a foot out here?

Joe Rogan 14:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 14:28 He was like that for hours, and I guess for, like, months. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:32 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 14:32 Yeah. He was just con- in a constant state of coming out of a mushroom trip.

Joe Rogan 14:36 I did DMT three times in a day. And-

Ari Shaffir 14:39 Wow.

Joe Rogan 14:39 ... the, the third time, it was a really strong one. And, um, it, it fucked me up for a f- a while. I don't remember how long afterwards, but this was during the Fear Factor days. But I remember reality ... The way I described it, that reality was very slippery.

Ari Shaffir 14:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:56 Very slippery, like, um, I kept thinking that cars were gonna fly over the incoming lane-

Ari Shaffir 15:00 Oh.

Joe Rogan 15:01 ... and crash into my car and kill me.

Ari Shaffir 15:02 Oh. Real slippery.

Joe Rogan 15:03 Yeah. I kept thinking like, "Be really careful." But then I realized that what that is is, like, my ego trying to protect me by making me aware of imminent threats and trying to reestablish its position as, uh, in the, the chain of, uh, command. Because, uh, like, the ... One of the things about really extreme psychedelic experiences, that they dissolve the ego to the point where you realize, like, you don't really matter. Like, you're a part of some crazy system, and the only reason why you think you really matter is 'cause your biology wants to stay alive because there's these inherent, existential threats to your existence that have always existed throughout time. And r- you know, ultimately, though, it doesn't matter 'cause you're just gonna live and die and probably live again-

Ari Shaffir 15:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:47 ... and die again. And it's just like this never-ending cycle.

Ari Shaffir 15:50 Your hair is a speck.

Joe Rogan 15:50 Yeah. And you're a part of some infinite thing.

Ari Shaffir 15:51 One of those guys that any time you're, like, fighting it, like, you're just like, "Agh."

Joe Rogan 15:54 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 15:54 It, it just means you haven't taken it enough.

Joe Rogan 15:56 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 15:56 I think that was, like, Terrence McKenna or one of those guys. Where it's like, you just have to take more, and then you can't fight it-

Joe Rogan 16:01 Right. Right. Right.

Ari Shaffir 16:01 ... and then you're, you're just gone. You know?

Joe Rogan 16:03 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 16:04 Um-

Joe Rogan 16:05 Yeah, but I was fucked up for a while.

Ari Shaffir 16:07 Really?

Joe Rogan 16:07 But I, but I was functional. I was ... But I was real nervous and weirded out by things.

Ari Shaffir 16:11 How long? For how long?

Joe Rogan 16:12 Weeks. Maybe months.

Ari Shaffir 16:14 Why'd you do it three times in a day? Were you trying to do that on purpose, or were you just, like, bored?

Joe Rogan 16:16 I did it ... The first time, it was light. I went in, but I didn't go in too deep.

Ari Shaffir 16:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:21 But I re- ... I saw the visuals, and I laid there, and I s- ... I was like ... I got to the door, and I could see through the windows of the house, but I didn't go inside. The second time, it just, like, opened up a fucking vortex and sucked me through to the center of the universe. And then, uh, it was really, really, really intense, and then I did it again after that. It's 'cause I loved it-

Ari Shaffir 16:39 Wow.

Joe Rogan 16:39 ... 'cause it was so awesome, I wanted to do it one more time.

Ari Shaffir 16:42 I gotta do it more.

Joe Rogan 16:44 Mmm.

Ari Shaffir 16:45 I guess not for a month.

Joe Rogan 16:45 They make those vape pens.

Ari Shaffir 16:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:47 We should ... That's what we should do on November 1st.

Ari Shaffir 16:50 Vape pens?

Joe Rogan 16:50 Yeah. We should do DMT in here.

Ari Shaffir 16:52 In the morning?

Joe Rogan 16:53 Yeah, in here.

Ari Shaffir 16:54 You're gonna be in New York.

Joe Rogan 16:55 Oh, yeah. Well, soon as we get back.

Ari Shaffir 16:57 Come to my apartment.

Joe Rogan 16:58 Okay. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 16:59 (laughs) We'll do it there.

Joe Rogan 17:00 Yeah. That'll work.

Ari Shaffir 17:02 What?

Joe Rogan 17:03 That'll work.

Ari Shaffir 17:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:05 Yeah. You gonna come to that f- ... Those fights?

Ari Shaffir 17:08 No. I got a wedding.

Joe Rogan 17:09 Oh. Oh, Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 17:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:11 Who's getting fucked?

Ari Shaffir 17:12 Friend, Sal.

Joe Rogan 17:14 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 17:14 (laughs) Yeah. He's getting fucked over.

Joe Rogan 17:16 Do they have kids? Does Sal have kids?

Ari Shaffir 17:18 Remember those game ... No, not yet. Remember those game over T-shirts?

Joe Rogan 17:21 (laughs) Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 17:21 (laughs) But it's showing a marriage. They were all the re- ... I love ... On Venice Beach. I loved it. I was like, "Wow. That's so bleak." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:31 (laughs) It's such a crazy institution that works out half the time.

Ari Shaffir 17:34 It is nuts, dude. I was talking to my high school friends. It's ... One of them ... We were talking about how long they've been in their place without their wife or kids. Like, how long it's been since they've been alone in their house. You know, not on the road-

Joe Rogan 17:45 Mm-hmm. Right.

Ari Shaffir 17:46 ... and not without their wife, but with their kids. But, like, alone. One friend said it was 10 years.

Joe Rogan 17:51 He hasn't been alone? In 10 years?

Ari Shaffir 17:52 Alone ... Slept alone in his house when no one else was there.

Joe Rogan 17:56 Well, I think that for comics, one good, really good thing about going on the road-

Ari Shaffir 18:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:02 ... you get these little resets. And you, you miss them when you come back.

Ari Shaffir 18:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:05 And you're happy.

Ari Shaffir 18:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:06 I, I've, I meet guys that don't ever leave their family-

Ari Shaffir 18:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:10 ... ever, and they look beaten. They just look emasculated and shrunken, like, deflated.

Ari Shaffir 18:18 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:18 Like, I'm sure some people can do it.

Ari Shaffir 18:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:20 And if you're listening, you're like, "Fuck you, man. I'm happily married." I believe you. I believe you.

Ari Shaffir 18:23 Why you so mad then?

Joe Rogan 18:25 I believe you. I believe you. I'm just saying, I, I see a lot of people that are beaten down.

Ari Shaffir 18:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:29 People get annoyed with each other. Like, if you and I lived together-

Ari Shaffir 18:31 You need a break here or there.

Joe Rogan 18:33 Yeah. If you and I lived in a, uh, two-bedroom apartment-

Ari Shaffir 18:35 We would kill each other.

Joe Rogan 18:36 ... we would be so mad at each other.

Ari Shaffir 18:37 Within how long? A month or even faster? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:41 We would be tr- well, uh, first of all, I'd be immediately saying, "Okay, this is temporary."

Ari Shaffir 18:45 Right, right, right, right.

Joe Rogan 18:46 "We're gonna get our own apartments."

Ari Shaffir 18:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:47 There's no way we could live together.

Ari Shaffir 18:48 We can't last like this.

Joe Rogan 18:49 But when I lived with Duncan in my big house-

Ari Shaffir 18:51 Yeah. How long?

Joe Rogan 18:52 ... it was fine.

Ari Shaffir 18:53 For a-

Joe Rogan 18:53 Six months.

Ari Shaffir 18:53 For the whole time?

Joe Rogan 18:54 Duncan lived with me for six months. It was great.

Ari Shaffir 18:56 I think some of it helps if you know it is temporary. Kinda like summer jobs were okay because you knew at the end of August, this is over. But then that first year where you were just, like, working and you're like, there's no end in sight.

Joe Rogan 19:05 Well, y- see, roommates can be cool if they're cool, right? Like, if they pay their rent. Well, with Duncan's case, it's like-

Ari Shaffir 19:11 If they're never there, that's the best thing you can do is to never be there.

Joe Rogan 19:13 Yeah. Or if they clean up after themselves.

Ari Shaffir 19:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:16 If they always clean.

Ari Shaffir 19:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:17 That's big. That changes everything. Like, if your roommate just leaves their shit everywhere, it's annoying, even if they're not home. But if your roommate cleans up-

Ari Shaffir 19:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:25 ... and they don't leave their shit everywhere, then it's just a person that you really like that you see every couple days. Like, "Hey, what's up, man? What have you been up to?"

Ari Shaffir 19:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:31 And that's fine.

Ari Shaffir 19:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:32 But my house-

Ari Shaffir 19:33 They stick to themselves.

Joe Rogan 19:33 You know, my house is, is kind of big and stretched out, so Duncan was over in this corner and I was over in that corner. It was fine.

Ari Shaffir 19:38 Duncan was your Kato.

Joe Rogan 19:40 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was my Kato Kato.

Ari Shaffir 19:41 Yeah, yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:41 Kato lived in a separate house, though, right?

Ari Shaffir 19:43 But man, he did his job.

Joe Rogan 19:44 Guest house.

Ari Shaffir 19:44 He was like, "I didn't really see much of anything."

Joe Rogan 19:46 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 19:46 "Hey, what are you gonna do? I didn't really see much of anything. The guy's been really cool to me. Didn't see much of anything. Ask me again. I'm loving this tension. I didn't see much of anything, though."

Joe Rogan 19:53 I did an audition once with Kato.

Ari Shaffir 19:55 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 19:56 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was something that I was doing with Maguire and some other guy that never wound up getting made. But anyway, we were all together and Kato came in to read for it.

Ari Shaffir 20:05 How shitty is standup when, on your way down, that's what people go into before their last step out-

Joe Rogan 20:12 Right.

Ari Shaffir 20:12 ... of st- out of complete, um, show biz.

Joe Rogan 20:14 Marty Daniels is doing standup now.

Ari Shaffir 20:16 Piven.

Joe Rogan 20:17 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 20:18 Yeah, they're all like, "Well-"

Joe Rogan 20:19 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 20:19 "... I'm gonna just try this at the end."

Joe Rogan 20:21 Well, standup, if y- look.

Ari Shaffir 20:23 No respect. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:24 But here's the thing, if they did it and loved it and respected it and was fucking gung-ho for it, um, I d- I have a unique opinion. I mean, I know a lot of comics get real mad at people trying to do comedy.

Ari Shaffir 20:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:36 I feel like anybody trying to do comedy is a comic.

Ari Shaffir 20:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:39 If, if you respect it and you treat it well. That's how I've always treated open micers. If you are an open micer-

Ari Shaffir 20:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:45 ... in my opinion, you are a comic. You, you're one of us.

Ari Shaffir 20:46 Except the no Black thing you always say.

Joe Rogan 20:48 No, no, no. Not's not anymore. I've been-

Ari Shaffir 20:49 Oh.

Joe Rogan 20:49 No.

Ari Shaffir 20:49 Oh, oh, oh. Sorry.

Joe Rogan 20:50 No, no, no. It's, uh-

Ari Shaffir 20:51 Oh, oh, oh. You woke up.

Joe Rogan 20:51 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 20:51 You woke up. Sorry, sorry. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:52 I got woke.

Ari Shaffir 20:53 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:54 No. No, it's- now it's, uh, it's only Asians of a certain... No, I'm just-

Ari Shaffir 20:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:59 Can we say, even joke around about it anymore?

Ari Shaffir 21:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:01 They're serious. They're so serious.

Ari Shaffir 21:04 Hey, dude. Th- th- there's been so many more Asian jokes around the scene lately.

Joe Rogan 21:08 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 21:08 It a- almost seems like this has reminded people of that whole fucking angle. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:12 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 21:13 This Asian jokes.

Joe Rogan 21:13 It's like opening up the door. Oh, yeah. Of ra-

Ari Shaffir 21:14 And we should not be talking about it because right now, there might be ninjas in here.

Joe Rogan 21:18 In this room?

Ari Shaffir 21:18 Yes. That's what they're good at.

Joe Rogan 21:21 You're high as fuck from that, you're high as fuck from that cigar.

Ari Shaffir 21:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:23 Yeah, we're totally cheating.

Ari Shaffir 21:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:25 We've already cheated. We're both blitzed.

Ari Shaffir 21:29 Um-

Joe Rogan 21:29 Um, but no. I really feel like anybody-

Ari Shaffir 21:31 What?

Joe Rogan 21:32 ... boy, girl, gay, straight-

Ari Shaffir 21:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:33 ... trans, whatever the fuck you are, if you're doing standup, you're one of us. That's how I feel. I mean, you might be, you might be terrible. You might be on the, on, you know, your first couple of days, but-

Ari Shaffir 21:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:42 ... you could eventually be my peer, you know?

Ari Shaffir 21:43 I think that's why at The Store specifically even, there's this, like, respect for the door guys because, like, they-

Joe Rogan 21:48 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 21:48 ... go on to become the real comics. And half-

Joe Rogan 21:50 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 21:50 ... the real comics were door guys.

Joe Rogan 21:52 Y- yeah.

Ari Shaffir 21:52 You know?

Joe Rogan 21:52 A large number.

Ari Shaffir 21:53 So, there's like-

Joe Rogan 21:54 A large number.

Ari Shaffir 21:54 ... yeah, you're just me but earlier.

Joe Rogan 21:55 Yep. I mean, you, Duncan, um, there was a, there was a, a bunch of pe- Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks.

Ari Shaffir 22:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:01 They were all door guys. Yeah. Yeah. The, The Store is r- uniquely special in that way, that it really promotes, uh... There's a lot of people at the Improv too, though, that are comics, uh, other comic-

Ari Shaffir 22:11 Really?

Joe Rogan 22:12 ... comics, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:12 Oh, that's cool.

Joe Rogan 22:13 But The Door, like, M- The Store rather, they make a big deal out of the fact that you can get spots. You can get those late night spots, which are giant, you know?

Ari Shaffir 22:22 There's five minutes to open too.

Joe Rogan 22:23 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 22:23 That's pretty cool.

Joe Rogan 22:24 Huge. Those are huge.

Ari Shaffir 22:24 We never had that.

Joe Rogan 22:25 Those are huge. And, you know, you get those occasional belly room shows. And all the, you, you get to meet guys like us that'll take you on the road, you know?

Ari Shaffir 22:33 You also get to see real good comedy night after night after night.

Joe Rogan 22:36 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 22:36 Different styles.

Joe Rogan 22:37 Yep. You get to see the murderers. The, the murderers of the world.

Ari Shaffir 22:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:40 Damon Wayans is back.

Ari Shaffir 22:40 That helped me grow a lot.

Joe Rogan 22:41 Damon Wayans is back.

Ari Shaffir 22:42 Damon Wayans is back?

Joe Rogan 22:42 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:43 How's he doing?

Joe Rogan 22:44 Killing. Killing.

Ari Shaffir 22:44 He used to do that thing-

Joe Rogan 22:45 Took years off.

Ari Shaffir 22:46 ... where he would, like, f- intentionally fuck up for five minutes-

Joe Rogan 22:49 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 22:49 ... when he was doing, like-

Joe Rogan 22:50 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 22:50 ... 30s and 40s, you know?

Joe Rogan 22:51 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:51 He'd be like fucking for five minutes and get everybody, like, kind of against him-

Joe Rogan 22:54 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:54 ... and then he could test his stuff out.

Joe Rogan 22:55 Yep. Yeah, he would do it on purpose. He c-

Ari Shaffir 22:57 Corny jokes.

Joe Rogan 22:58 He would do corny jokes and he would also, um, just go, "What else? What else?"

Ari Shaffir 23:02 (laughs) Well, until people are like, "Uh, I don't even know this guy." Were you just an actor?

Joe Rogan 23:05 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 23:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:07 He would just dig little holes.

Ari Shaffir 23:09 What else?

Joe Rogan 23:09 And he would start talking about shit.

Ari Shaffir 23:10 What else? (laughs) I love that, when a comic does that. What else? What else?

Joe Rogan 23:12 But if you can do that, if you can dig those holes and then dig yourself out, then you know that's a real bit.

Ari Shaffir 23:17 Right.

Joe Rogan 23:18 A bit that digs you out of a hole is a real bit.

Ari Shaffir 23:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:20 That's a tool. That's a fucking shovel. You can dig a hole with that shovel. You know? Like, to... Bits, you know, bits are pieces of expression, but some of them are just tools. Some of them are.

Ari Shaffir 23:32 Whatever.

Joe Rogan 23:32 They're, they're tools. Like, (clears throat) like opening bits. Like, I've had opening bits where like, okay, I need to detonate this door to get into this room. Clear. Boom.

Ari Shaffir 23:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:42 Detonate the door. Okay, now we're in. You know what I mean? Like, it's a tool. It's a tool to get the job done.

Ari Shaffir 23:47 Yeah. Yeah. Jake Johansen used to do this joke, I opened for him once in DC.

Joe Rogan 23:52 He's a great guy.

Ari Shaffir 23:53 Yeah, he's really nice.

Joe Rogan 23:54 Really nice guy.

Ari Shaffir 23:54 He's really nice. Killer standup too.

Joe Rogan 23:56 Yeah. Never see that guy.

Ari Shaffir 23:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:59 Or never run into him, so it's-

Ari Shaffir 24:00 He's in the road-

Joe Rogan 24:00 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 24:01 ... mostly.

Joe Rogan 24:01 Always.

Ari Shaffir 24:02 But, um, built his own house. He's a tall guy. He was like, "Finally, I got showers that are coming from over." I don't have to bend over.

Joe Rogan 24:07 He built it himself or had somebody build it?

Ari Shaffir 24:09 I mean, I'm sure he had someone build it. (laughs) Oh, yeah. No. That's not really a possibility.

Joe Rogan 24:14 That'd be impressive.

Ari Shaffir 24:14 (laughs) That would be.

Joe Rogan 24:15 He's out there Unabombering it.

Ari Shaffir 24:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:17 I'm like, what?

Ari Shaffir 24:17 But it's, like, all lame and it's all falling apart. He goes, "I don't know what I'm doing." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:21 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 24:21 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:21 I was on the road. I didn't have time to learn carpentry.

Ari Shaffir 24:24 There's, like, Band-Aids over holes.

Joe Rogan 24:27 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 24:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:27 That fucking-

Ari Shaffir 24:27 My wife's so mad at me. She left me.

Joe Rogan 24:28 That late night tape that's supposed to stop leaks.

Ari Shaffir 24:31 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:31 You know that late night tape you put over-

Ari Shaffir 24:32 It keeps the boat.

Joe Rogan 24:33 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 24:33 It keeps the boat up.

Joe Rogan 24:34 It keeps it down. The bottom of the boat is filled with tape.

Ari Shaffir 24:36 (laughs) But yeah, he had some joke in the very beginning and he'd go behind, so like you'd introduce something and then you'd go off, so I couldn't tell what he was doing. He just said, "Oh, it's good to be here in DC," and everyone would laugh. And I'm like, "What is that joke?" And I asked him, I finally saw it, because like every night I would do it and he'd be like, "It's good to be here in DC," and everyone would laugh. And I'm like, "I don't see where there's a joke there." I could only hear it, so I ran out to the curtain, it opened up slightly so I could see, and it's just an easy one. He just goes, "It's good to be here in..." and then he like turns around to look at the sign and goes, "Oh, uh, DC." And I'm like, oh, I get it now. But he goes... Oh dude, my first f- five minutes, like don't judge any of that.

Joe Rogan 25:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:15 That's just me getting them on my side.

Joe Rogan 25:18 Yeah, just working.

Ari Shaffir 25:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:19 Tools.

Ari Shaffir 25:19 'Cause and then I got them from me and then I can do whatever I want.

Joe Rogan 25:22 Just little tools. Little things to get going.

Ari Shaffir 25:24 Technique.

Joe Rogan 25:25 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:25 Savers. You ever have a saver? Start off, joke doesn't go-

Joe Rogan 25:27 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:27 ... and you're like, "Well, let me go fucking..." (imitates engine revving)

Joe Rogan 25:29 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 25:29 "... real quick."

Joe Rogan 25:30 Yeah, you always gotta have those get out of jail free passes.

Ari Shaffir 25:33 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 25:34 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:35 You only got one or two of them and then it's like, well, now it's just gonna be a full bomb. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:39 Yeah, it could easily be a full bomb. But one of the most satis- satisfying sets you could never have is like you start bombing and then you pull yourself out.

Ari Shaffir 25:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:46 Woo!

Ari Shaffir 25:46 Or when the crowd doesn't like you and then they slowly start to like you.

Joe Rogan 25:51 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:52 (laughs) Yeah. Those are good ones.

Joe Rogan 25:52 You got like a bit that for whatever reason just turns them.

Ari Shaffir 25:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:57 You know, you, you said something that I think is so true, that this is a great time for real comedy.

Ari Shaffir 26:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:03 It's great.

Joe Rogan 26:04 Just comedy's dangerous again.

Ari Shaffir 26:05 Ah, it's so much fun.

Joe Rogan 26:07 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:07 People hear stuff and they're like, "Whoa."

Joe Rogan 26:09 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:09 It's back into these little basement rooms. Everyone's attacking it all the time. It's so great. (laughs) You know when people get mad at you for saying something like harsh?

Joe Rogan 26:18 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:18 And you walk through it like, "Fuck you!"

Joe Rogan 26:20 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:20 'Cause you know like you made some Catholic joke and they're all like butt hurt 'cause they're Catholic.

Joe Rogan 26:24 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:24 You know, and you got them. And you know it's okay 'cause they're only there la- angry and everyone else is laughing like crazy.

Joe Rogan 26:30 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:30 Now, the scale of that is just way larger.

Joe Rogan 26:33 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:34 Your stuff can go out and just like get a bunch of people angry.

Joe Rogan 26:37 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:37 Which is the people that are cool enough to like actually like the stuff. It feels way more dangerous and fun.

Joe Rogan 26:42 You know what we should do with this podcast with Tom and Bert? We should do like buds training, bring in buckets of ice and just have vodka all over the table.

Ari Shaffir 26:50 Oh, to see if they'll be okay.

Joe Rogan 26:51 Yeah, to see if they tap, they ring the bell.

Ari Shaffir 26:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:54 (coughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:54 I could see Bert doing that.

Joe Rogan 26:56 We could talk Bert into ringing the bell, especially if we tell him we smoked cigars when we got high.

Ari Shaffir 26:59 We smoke cigars laced with, uh, formaldehyde.

Joe Rogan 27:02 Yeah, what is that called? Jerme?

Ari Shaffir 27:03 Jereme. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:06 Kids.

Ari Shaffir 27:06 Wet.

Joe Rogan 27:06 They smoke jerme.

Ari Shaffir 27:07 Get wet.

Joe Rogan 27:08 Did you hear about that lady? This has nothing to do with that.

Ari Shaffir 27:10 What?

Joe Rogan 27:11 But she just got convicted today of murder. She walked into the wrong apartment.

Ari Shaffir 27:15 Oh, a cop, right?

Joe Rogan 27:16 And she thought... Yup, she thought this guy was in her apartment, she shot him and killed him and she-

Ari Shaffir 27:19 She said, "Let me see your hands."

Joe Rogan 27:21 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:21 And, and but he... And from his point of view it was like, "What? Who the fuck are you?"

Joe Rogan 27:24 Right.

Ari Shaffir 27:24 "Let me see your hands."

Joe Rogan 27:25 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:25 And she shot him.

Joe Rogan 27:26 I didn't hear that part, but I just know that she shot him and murdered him accidentally.

Ari Shaffir 27:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:31 She thought he was in her place.

Ari Shaffir 27:32 Yeah. She, yeah, it's a to- it's like I heard her like crying on the stand.

Joe Rogan 27:37 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:38 And it was like, damn, I... But it's just like I don't know, why do you keep going and shooting?

Joe Rogan 27:45 Right, why isn't she shooting right away?

Ari Shaffir 27:45 You know what I mean? Why not just don't shoot?

Joe Rogan 27:48 Right. Did the guy run at you?

Ari Shaffir 27:49 Yeah, I... It's like...

Joe Rogan 27:52 Like when do you shoot someone if you find them in your house?

Ari Shaffir 27:54 Is the training wrong? Why unarmed people are getting shot? It's not even like, "Hey, can I get a sandwich real quick?"

Joe Rogan 28:01 Right.

Ari Shaffir 28:01 It's not even like that.

Joe Rogan 28:02 Right, right.

Ari Shaffir 28:03 It's just like, I mean, you got it wrong. At very least you got it wrong.

Joe Rogan 28:07 Well, I- I've said this many times that I think the vast majority of interactions that people have with police ar-... They're positive, there's no problem.

Ari Shaffir 28:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:15 And that's why you don't hear about them. But you hear about one every now and again. But that's just because there's 300 million people. And if you co-... You count up all those one every now and again, it seems like there's this fucking just-

Ari Shaffir 28:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:27 ... assault on unarmed people by cops.

Ari Shaffir 28:29 Those stories are listened to over, over statistics.

Joe Rogan 28:31 Well it's just, it's people that suck at being a cop who've got...

Ari Shaffir 28:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:34 And if... Especially girls. No, no offense ladies. But you're, you're physically weaker, right?

Ari Shaffir 28:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:40 So you could get that gun taken from you. Someone's in your house, you live by yourself maybe and you see this guy in your house and you're so terrified because like it's like a monster.

Ari Shaffir 28:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:50 Like a big man.

Ari Shaffir 28:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:51 He's like a monster to a woman, right?

Ari Shaffir 28:52 Yeah. And then at the same time that dude is just in his apartment and now he's dead.

Joe Rogan 28:56 Right.

Ari Shaffir 28:56 So that's also not great.

Joe Rogan 28:57 Oh, it's terrible.

Ari Shaffir 28:58 But like...

Joe Rogan 28:59 You're not supposed to just shoot people, but...

Ari Shaffir 29:01 Yeah, you're not supposed to shoot people.

Joe Rogan 29:02 In her eyes.

Ari Shaffir 29:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:03 If she really thought that she was... That's why I don't understand how it's murder. Like what, what, what's the accident... Isn't manslaughter like accidental shooting?

Ari Shaffir 29:11 I don't understand any of that.

Joe Rogan 29:12 How's it not manslaughter?

Ari Shaffir 29:14 Yeah.

Guest 29:15 Do you know? I just was following the story a little bit and I remember for... Some facts from a few weeks ago that there were a lot of... There were at least three or four things in place here that like made it not seem like an accident. Like-

Ari Shaffir 29:25 Oh, really?

Guest 29:26 ... like the door for instance, the door in those apartments I was reading like it shuts automatically. So she, I think she said it was like unlocked or it was kinda open. And everyone that sort of knows about that apartment building is like that's not possible. Those doors shut automatically behind you. You would have had to open the door physically and like-

Joe Rogan 29:40 But how could she open the door, though, if she-

Ari Shaffir 29:41 Maybe it didn't shut all the way. I don't know.

Guest 29:44 I- I don't know what to tell you. I think they had a relationship maybe too or something like that.

Joe Rogan 29:47 What?

Ari Shaffir 29:48 Boo!

Guest 29:48 I don't know. I might misrem- be misremembering the facts.

Joe Rogan 29:51 Oh, well listen, you can't just say that.

Guest 29:52 Yeah. Well, I'll, I'll look it up.

Joe Rogan 29:53 Let's google this. Let's start Googling.

Ari Shaffir 29:54 I heard the guy she shot-

Joe Rogan 29:55 We're going down.

Ari Shaffir 29:56 ... was new Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh.

Joe Rogan 29:58 Oh, and I heard he had a giant dick.

Ari Shaffir 29:58 So there's more to it. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:00 And he denied her that dick after a while. He's like, "No more dick for you."

Ari Shaffir 30:03 Yeah, I think it's a great time to be a stand-up. I really do think it's dangerous again.

Joe Rogan 30:07 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:07 And people are like... It's like you hear something. When you are one of those people who just go to shows, you hear something and you're just like... As an audience member you're just like, "Whoa."

Joe Rogan 30:15 Also, the woke outrage has totally worn off and has the opposite effect. Like with Dave Chappelle, like, you know, you can just skip Dave Chappelle's new special. Oh, must be awesome.

Ari Shaffir 30:24 Oh, I love the res- about the internet all coming together just to respond to those people who go, "It's cool. Watch... Who should I check out? Those people? Thanks."

Joe Rogan 30:29 Yeah, exactly.

Ari Shaffir 30:30 Yeah, thanks. And then it's just like ignoring it.

Joe Rogan 30:31 Well, they did it with Bill Burr too.

Ari Shaffir 30:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:33 You know, but, but Chappelle's special, you know the whole thing with Rotten Tomatoes, they only allowed five different woke reviewers to take care to-

Ari Shaffir 30:41 To get at it.

Joe Rogan 30:42 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:42 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 30:42 And they gave it a 0%. And then they released it to the public.

Ari Shaffir 30:46 (laughs) And we all loved it.

Joe Rogan 30:46 'Cause everybody was mad, like what the fuck is this?

Ari Shaffir 30:48 Your job is to tell us what we like and you failed at that job.

Joe Rogan 30:51 Well, their job...... is to review things and their ideology that they're forced to exist in is woke ideology. Anyone who's worry- working as a journalist, like, there's really-

Ari Shaffir 31:04 It's the same thing that Christians did when they used to review stuff for, like, Christian f- content. Remember that?

Joe Rogan 31:08 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 31:08 When they would rate it based on how many kissing scenes are there, how many s- curses are there.

Joe Rogan 31:13 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 31:13 But, like, you don't take, you don't have to see those reviews. Those are, like, a separate people's reviews.

Joe Rogan 31:18 Well, somebody wrote something about it that I actually retweeted today. See if you can find it, about the, the connection between theology, the, the, the, uh, resemblances between woke ideology and theology. They're, they're so similar.

Ari Shaffir 31:31 The same.

Joe Rogan 31:32 It's 'cause, yeah, it's, it's about compliance. It's-

Ari Shaffir 31:34 We want you doing it our way!

Joe Rogan 31:36 Yes, our way, our way. Put your hat on.

Ari Shaffir 31:38 You know who-

Joe Rogan 31:39 Put your special underwear on.

Ari Shaffir 31:40 Yeah. It's so dumb, it's so fucking whatever.

Joe Rogan 31:42 So dumb.

Ari Shaffir 31:42 I hate even talking about it.

Joe Rogan 31:44 I love talking about it.

Ari Shaffir 31:44 It's just like, we're just writing jokes and doing fucking good things.

Joe Rogan 31:48 But whenever someone who's woke says something that's ridiculous, it makes for great comedy.

Ari Shaffir 31:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:54 Richard Dawkins-

Ari Shaffir 31:54 It is so stupid.

Joe Rogan 31:55 And we ... Yeah, so I... Um, Dawkins is coming on the podcast soon too. I'm excited to talk to him. The Righteous and the Woke: Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors ... Well, click on that so I can get what the actual ... Why Evangelists and Social Justice Warriors Trigger Me In The Same Way. And they say-

Ari Shaffir 32:11 Yeah, it's the same like, "You gotta do it my way" shit. It's the right way.

Joe Rogan 32:14 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 32:14 It really is.

Joe Rogan 32:16 Yeah. Well, it's about compliance. People love compliance. They love getting other people to fall in line.

Ari Shaffir 32:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:21 And they get scared when people are just out there doing what the, whatever the fuck they wanna do. And that, that's, that's with everything, man. That's with their diet, that's with the way they behave, it's with the clothes they wear. People get mad, they get mad if you wear your hat backwards. They get-

Ari Shaffir 32:34 Dude, I, I asked my, uh, my friend who's now a rabbi, I asked him for help with a thing I'm, I'm doing in my hour.

Joe Rogan 32:41 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 32:41 Um, and, uh, to look it up just factually, I wanna make sure I get it exactly right.

Joe Rogan 32:46 Right.

Ari Shaffir 32:46 And he's like, "No. I'm not gonna look that up for you just so you can make fun of it." (laughs) I'm like, "What?"

Joe Rogan 32:50 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 32:50 "That's not your job. Your job is to tell me."

Joe Rogan 32:52 He's a rabbi.

Ari Shaffir 32:52 Yeah. I'm like, "I'm ... It's a Jew asking." And he goes, "No. I'm not gonna be a part of this mockery." I'm like, "You haven't even seen it!"

Joe Rogan 32:58 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 32:58 "You haven't seen it."

Joe Rogan 32:59 Wow. Someone'll help you.

Ari Shaffir 33:01 I know, but it's, like, fucking hard to find somebody who knows it knows it. I don't have that many people left from that-

Joe Rogan 33:05 Really?

Ari Shaffir 33:05 ... part of my life.

Joe Rogan 33:06 He really won't help you.

Ari Shaffir 33:07 Yeah, and I'm like, "Fucking shut up! All you religious people are all exactly the same, every religion." It's fucking real, e- and then what you want in terms of, like, not being embarrassed. Bleh!

Joe Rogan 33:16 But it's hilarious that they would have something that they don't want you mocking.

Ari Shaffir 33:20 Just let me ha- the information.

Joe Rogan 33:22 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 33:22 You can't hold it from me.

Joe Rogan 33:23 Right. Like, imagine if there was something like that with stand-up. Like, "No, I'm not gonna tell you how we write jokes, you're just gonna mock it."

Ari Shaffir 33:28 (laughs) Maybe I will.

Joe Rogan 33:31 How do you get, how do you get up at the store?

Ari Shaffir 33:32 That's up to me.

Joe Rogan 33:32 How do you get up at open mic tonight? "I'm not telling you, you're just gonna mock it."

Ari Shaffir 33:35 I'm not telling. (laughs) I mean, I am gonna mock it, but it's gonna be in a fun way.

Joe Rogan 33:38 Yeah. "How do you go from being an opening act, to being a middle, to being a headliner?" "I'm not gonna tell you."

Ari Shaffir 33:42 "I'm not gonna tell you, though."

Joe Rogan 33:43 "What are you gonna mock it?"

Ari Shaffir 33:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:46 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 33:46 That drove me so crazy.

Joe Rogan 33:47 Anything ... Anything you can't mock is bullshit.

Ari Shaffir 33:49 Dude, I was so mad. I was like, "Get fucked." And he was like-

Joe Rogan 33:51 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 33:51 ... "Come on, don't use that language. You know I'm a rabbi."

Joe Rogan 33:53 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 33:54 I'm like, "Eat my shit, all you religious fucks are exactly the fucking same."

Joe Rogan 33:57 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 33:57 "I'm asking for help as a Jew."

Joe Rogan 33:59 Ah. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 34:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:02 But how w- how are you still a Jew? This is wh- something that's always, uh, tr- struggled with-

Ari Shaffir 34:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:07 ... or troubled, uh, people that are nonreligious.

Ari Shaffir 34:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:10 Jews are the, the rare people that can also be atheists.

Ari Shaffir 34:13 Yeah. It's kinda like, you know how stand-up is rare in the art form that it needs other people to exist?

Joe Rogan 34:17 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 34:17 Are Jews rare because you can see a cultural and, and racial Jew-

Joe Rogan 34:22 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 34:23 ... without being a religious Jew?

Joe Rogan 34:24 But it's a racial Jew, but you could be born in Europe or you could be born in Israel-

Ari Shaffir 34:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:28 You could be born anywhere and be a racial Jew, but yet you are not religious at all.

Ari Shaffir 34:35 At all.

Joe Rogan 34:36 But Jewish is a religion.

Ari Shaffir 34:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:39 Judaism is a religion.

Ari Shaffir 34:40 It's both.

Joe Rogan 34:40 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 34:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:41 It's the l-

Ari Shaffir 34:41 I talk about this in my new hour.

Joe Rogan 34:43 Oh, you do?

Ari Shaffir 34:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:43 Okay, cool.

Ari Shaffir 34:44 Yeah. That Jew stuff is a lot of, like, uh, (laughs) like, it's all just stand-up, but it's a lot of, like, stuff you've always wanted to know.

Joe Rogan 34:49 Yeah. Well, remember back when you used to tell me those stories? And I'm like, "How are you not talking about this stuff on stage?"

Ari Shaffir 34:55 I wasn't good enough yet.

Joe Rogan 34:57 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 34:57 Or I was too close to it.

Joe Rogan 34:58 But it's so good that you waited-

Ari Shaffir 34:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:59 ... to get really good at stand-up. And now you can, like, really delve into all the absurdities.

Ari Shaffir 35:04 Yeah. Really go into it in a way and know how to, like, ease out and, like, so Jews don't feel attacked. And then-

Joe Rogan 35:09 There's gotta be a rabbi out there that'll give you the fucking real deal.

Ari Shaffir 35:12 I'm, I gotta find one. I've had rabbis come to the shows and, and some of them have corrected me on stuff.

Joe Rogan 35:16 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 35:16 And I'm like, "Oh, interesting. Thank you." I wanna get it right.

Joe Rogan 35:19 Well, find those guys.

Ari Shaffir 35:20 Yeah, yeah. I gotta find them.

Joe Rogan 35:21 Your friend's lame.

Ari Shaffir 35:22 He's lame.

Joe Rogan 35:23 Fucking lame.

Ari Shaffir 35:23 He's always also trying to get me to come back. He's always demeaning me, like, "Oh yeah, it's the worst-"

Joe Rogan 35:27 Trying to get you to come back to the fold.

Ari Shaffir 35:29 Yeah. I don't mind it in a nice way, but not like a, (clicks tongue) "You're wasting your life." Like, listen, we can-

Joe Rogan 35:33 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 35:33 ... cover up your bald spot with a nice yarmulke. (laughs) Yeah, exactly.

Joe Rogan 35:36 Make it tight. (laughs) Get you a sweet one that all the ladies like. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 35:41 (laughs) You ever have conservative friends who don't even understand your life? They-

Joe Rogan 35:45 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 35:45 Like, what they insult you on, you're like, "No, that's a good thing."

Joe Rogan 35:49 Yeah, yeah. Freedom.

Ari Shaffir 35:50 Yeah. When they're like, "You came home drunk at 5:00 AM on a weekday." And you're like, "Yeah, right."

Joe Rogan 35:54 Yeah. "Who, me?"

Ari Shaffir 35:54 "Isn't that awesome?"

Joe Rogan 35:55 "Yeah, it was great. I got a, I got a ride, I'm responsible."

Ari Shaffir 35:58 I remember a blog you wrote-

Joe Rogan 35:59 Came home hammered.

Ari Shaffir 35:59 ... a long time ago and you wrote, like, people ... You coming home and somebody, like, leaving. And then, like, (laughs) I think the line was, "If you, if you could smell my finger, it would blow your mind." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:11 (laughs) Some people get super self-righteous about their choices.

Ari Shaffir 36:14 Uh-

Joe Rogan 36:15 Well, people like to feel like if they're getting up early and you're coming home as they're getting up, that somehow or another they're doing better than you.

Ari Shaffir 36:21 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:21 That's not true.

Ari Shaffir 36:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:22 You could've had a most fucking amazing night ever-

Ari Shaffir 36:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:25 ... pussy. What have you been doing, watching Golden Girls and sleeping?

Ari Shaffir 36:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:28 Fuck off.

Ari Shaffir 36:29 Fuck you.

Joe Rogan 36:30 Especially as a comic. Like, you can't tell ... Like, like, Mark Normand came in here with the clothes that he was wearing the night before. He came in here-

Ari Shaffir 36:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:37 He was up all night and then he slept-

Ari Shaffir 36:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:38 ... 'til noon and made his way over, or slept 'til, like, 11:00 or whatever.

Ari Shaffir 36:41 Wear a suit?

Joe Rogan 36:42 Made his way over here with a suit on.

Ari Shaffir 36:43 That's great.

Joe Rogan 36:44 It was great. I loved it.

Ari Shaffir 36:44 That's great. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:44 I loved it.

Ari Shaffir 36:45 Fuck it.

Joe Rogan 36:46 Yeah, man.

Ari Shaffir 36:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:47 That's, that's us. That's our, that's our religion.

Ari Shaffir 36:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:50 I mean, if I have a religion, it's comedy.

Ari Shaffir 36:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:53 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 36:53 Yeah, for sure.

Joe Rogan 36:54 If somebody tells me something, I was like, "Were they joking?" Yeah. Well, you know, that's a joke.

Ari Shaffir 36:58 Dude, my thing now is whenever I hear a comic, my instinct right now is when they're like, "Can you believe they said this ridiculous thing?" Even if it's not on my side of things I believe, you know? I, I start to get angry and then I stop and go, "Wait a minute."... let's look at it under the lens of their comedian writing something.

Joe Rogan 37:13 Yeah. Right.

Ari Shaffir 37:13 And sometimes they're serious, but a lot of times, like, oh, you, this is a joke. This is a tongue in cheek, like, exaggeration on purpose.

Joe Rogan 37:20 Or, yeah, or you try something and it doesn't work, you know? Don't hold someone to what they're saying. Wha- uh, this, you know, like, this is li- it goes back to the Shane thing, right? The Shane Gillis thing? Like-

Ari Shaffir 37:32 Leave him alone.

Joe Rogan 37:32 He was just trying to be funny.

Ari Shaffir 37:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:34 He was trying to talk shit and be funny, and you miss. And people are like, "It's just racist." I'm like, "Mm, yeah, but sometimes racism is funny if you, if you-"

Ari Shaffir 37:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:44 ... if you say it in a way-

Ari Shaffir 37:46 Call i- why don't you call it Jokes About Race Relations?

Joe Rogan 37:48 Yes. Jokes About Race Relations.

Ari Shaffir 37:51 Which is something like Can't We Talk About That?

Joe Rogan 37:53 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 37:53 Isn't that one of those big taboo things that you should touch on?

Joe Rogan 37:56 You can't even t- what races can you openly mock with no-

Ari Shaffir 38:02 W- white.

Joe Rogan 38:03 Yeah, right.

Ari Shaffir 38:04 Indian.

Joe Rogan 38:04 For sure.

Ari Shaffir 38:05 I guess it's going away. Indian and Chinese was, uh, and Asian, I mean.

Joe Rogan 38:09 Yeah, you used to be able to. I remember-

Ari Shaffir 38:10 Yeah, it's, it's going away right now. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:12 ... this dude had a joke about Pakistan.

Ari Shaffir 38:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:14 Pakistan was about to go to war with India, and he was like, "What are they fighting over? Who smells the worst?"

Ari Shaffir 38:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:20 And he did this all the time. And this was like, you know, early 2000s. But if he did that joke now, people would be fucking mad at him.

Ari Shaffir 38:27 Furious. But that's what makes it more fun, too.

Joe Rogan 38:29 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 38:29 They're getting so mad.

Joe Rogan 38:31 And well, this dude was from Texas. He'd never been to India or Pakistan.

Ari Shaffir 38:35 Right. It's like, what?

Joe Rogan 38:36 He had no idea if they smelled bad. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 38:37 Hey, guys, I'm just joking. It's like, it's not, (laughs) like, it's very harmful. Like, no it's not. Do you ever see a picture of like a real racist somewhere? You know?

Joe Rogan 38:45 Like a real racist.

Ari Shaffir 38:46 Yeah, and you're like, oh, and then you remember what they just were mad about some other guy in, like, comedy being racist, and you're like-

Joe Rogan 38:52 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 38:52 Guys, that's not even close. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:53 Yeah. Right.

Ari Shaffir 38:54 Like, this guy made a joke, and that guy's ... Here's how you know who's a racist when you accuse them of racism and they don't deny it.

Joe Rogan 39:00 Right.

Ari Shaffir 39:00 They're like, "Yeah, fuck them. That's the racist person." (laughs) Not when they go like-

Joe Rogan 39:05 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 39:05 ... "No, no, no, no, no, I didn't really mean that." That's how you know they're not really feeling that way.

Joe Rogan 39:08 But if you make a joke about murder, are you a murderer, really, secretly?

Ari Shaffir 39:11 Yeah, you are.

Joe Rogan 39:12 Really?

Ari Shaffir 39:13 I think so.

Joe Rogan 39:14 Wow. That's, there's certain things, right, you're allowed to joke. You could even, you, you could basically j- you could b- joke, definitely joke about fucking animals.

Ari Shaffir 39:24 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 39:25 Right? Nobody thinks you're really into bestiality.

Ari Shaffir 39:27 Well, what I think is, all this stuff about, like, you can't joke about race or, or gender, but it makes child murder stuff, like, all the better.

Joe Rogan 39:35 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 39:36 Like, it's a grand time for that. That used to be too harsh. When I started comedy, it was right after Columbine, and that was like, no, you're gonna ruin the room. But now it's back.

Joe Rogan 39:44 Really?

Ari Shaffir 39:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:45 Child murder?

Ari Shaffir 39:46 Yeah, yeah, yeah. School shooting shit.

Joe Rogan 39:48 You can joke about school shootings no problem?

Ari Shaffir 39:49 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:50 If you do it well.

Ari Shaffir 39:51 If you do it well. But even if you don't, it's still like a, Jesus, dude.

Joe Rogan 39:54 I got mad at a lot of people over that Louis C.K. thing. I got mad at a lot of people.

Ari Shaffir 39:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:58 Um, not because what he said was great. You know, when Louie said, "What, you, just 'cause you push some fat kid into the way?"

Ari Shaffir 40:04 Irrelevant.

Joe Rogan 40:04 Irrelevant. He was trying to be funny.

Ari Shaffir 40:05 Irrelevant of whether it's good or bad.

Joe Rogan 40:07 He was ... Let me tell you something. If he was left alone with that bit, he would've turned that bit into a great bit. He would've figured it out.

Ari Shaffir 40:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:13 He had not done comedy for almost a year.

Ari Shaffir 40:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:15 And this is one of his first sets back, and he was trying to turn this into comedy, and he could've turned that into comedy.

Ari Shaffir 40:22 The people who are like, "It's not even funny," it's like, okay, but if it was just about not funny, 'cause I think, I'm not gonna say whether it was or wasn't, I thought it was funny actually. But it's irrelevant because, like, if I make an unfunny joke about traffic, no one's coming after me. (laughs) You know? It's clearly not about whether it's funny or not.

Joe Rogan 40:38 Right. Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 40:38 It's got nothing to do with it.

Joe Rogan 40:40 Well, it's whether or not-

Ari Shaffir 40:41 You-

Joe Rogan 40:41 ... you should be able to make light of something terrible.

Ari Shaffir 40:44 And you can't let somebody not fail that direction.

Joe Rogan 40:46 Right.

Ari Shaffir 40:46 They have to be a fail in all directions. You f- try to find the line.

Joe Rogan 40:49 Well, I understand regular people not understanding that. I really do. But I don't understand comics not understanding.

Ari Shaffir 40:54 But a comic ...

Joe Rogan 40:55 I don't understand comics not understanding the process of creating material. Like, y- you are disingenuous. You're d- no, I can understand it if, if you are, if like, say someone like is like a Jim Gaffigan-type comic that's never offensive-

Ari Shaffir 41:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:10 ... and just like kinda, you know, family-friendly. He could, anybody can go see Gaffigan. He's hilarious, but you could take your grandma to see him with no worries at all.

Ari Shaffir 41:18 Yeah, for sure.

Joe Rogan 41:18 If he did a joke about a school shooting, you'd be like, "Whoa, Jim." But even then, I would still say he's trying to find an angle.

Ari Shaffir 41:27 Yeah, let him do it. What do you mean?

Joe Rogan 41:28 Let him figure out the angle. If people don't laugh, that's an indication-

Ari Shaffir 41:30 It's almost either like-

Joe Rogan 41:31 ... it's on the wrong way.

Ari Shaffir 41:31 ... if you talk to Gaffigan after that-

Joe Rogan 41:33 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:33 ... you'd be like, "How do they, did they go for it?" (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:35 Right.

Ari Shaffir 41:35 He'd be like, "Not really." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:36 Yeah. Holy shit.

Ari Shaffir 41:37 And you're like, "Whoa, you gonna try it again?" He goes, "Maybe, but maybe I'll pull it back."

Joe Rogan 41:41 Dude, I've had a bunch of bits like that where I was like, "I gotta bail on this bit."

Ari Shaffir 41:44 Yeah, where it's like you try it and try it and try it.

Joe Rogan 41:45 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:45 It just doesn't work. But that's the process. So now, if I'm a young comic, if I say, "Can I even come close to the line?" Because if I go over it, that's what you do when you're kinda blindly walking towards a line.

Joe Rogan 41:54 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:55 If you go over it, uh, in that direction, you're fucked.

Joe Rogan 41:59 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:59 You might be really be fucked forever.

Joe Rogan 42:01 Fucked.

Ari Shaffir 42:01 So I'm not gonna come close to the line. And that's not good.

Joe Rogan 42:05 It's not good, especially when someone-

Ari Shaffir 42:06 You want people finding it.

Joe Rogan 42:07 ... takes that and, and puts it in quotes and just writes it down.

Ari Shaffir 42:11 Takes it out of a context.

Joe Rogan 42:12 Takes it out of context and then writes it down.

Ari Shaffir 42:14 Yeah, it does for the context, too.

Joe Rogan 42:15 So then it-

Ari Shaffir 42:15 The tone of voice.

Joe Rogan 42:16 Oh, sure. Yeah, and all the things you said before that.

Ari Shaffir 42:19 Right.

Joe Rogan 42:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 42:21 I hate it. I hate it. But it's a good time.

Joe Rogan 42:24 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 42:24 That guy's really funny. Um, yeah. (laughs) It's still a good time for standup.

Joe Rogan 42:29 Yeah. It's, it's a great time for standing up. I mean, look, the fucking store sold out every night.

Ari Shaffir 42:34 I know. So people are like, "It's the end of standup."

Joe Rogan 42:35 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 42:35 It's like, what are you talking about? This place, when they're not going to see any specific person, they're just going to see standup in general-

Joe Rogan 42:40 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 42:40 ... those are mobbed. The Stand in New York, mobbed.

Joe Rogan 42:43 Mobbed.

Ari Shaffir 42:43 The Cellar, mobbed.

Joe Rogan 42:43 Mobbed.

Ari Shaffir 42:44 I get on at 1:30 at The Cellar sometimes, 1:30 AM on a fucking Wednesday. And people are like, "Is anybody there?" I'm like, "Yeah, it's sold out. There's no room."

Joe Rogan 42:50 Dude, I was reading an article when they were talking about Hannah Gadsby and the death of standup comedy. I was reading it in my limo on the way to a sold-out arena.

Ari Shaffir 42:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:59 And I was laughing. I was like, "This is hilarious." (laughs) Then I showed to Hinchcliffe-

Ari Shaffir 43:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:04 ... and was like, "Look, dude." I go, "I guess there's not gonna be anybody there." (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:07 (laughs) I have a special on Netflix. I guess it's all terrible, huh? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:11 I guess, I guess there's no comedy anymore.

Ari Shaffir 43:13 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:14 Shit, I missed it.

Ari Shaffir 43:15 (laughs) Fuck.

Joe Rogan 43:16 No, listen, it's a great time for comedy.

Ari Shaffir 43:17 Yeah, it's all these people complaining, and all you gotta do is shut your fucking phone.

Joe Rogan 43:20 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 43:20 And then it, none of that shit exists, for the most part. Here or there, yeah, there's some batshit about somebody made a joke and, and-... unfair level of punishment. But generally, it's just like, "Shut your phone." It's just people being angry.

Joe Rogan 43:32 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 43:32 That's what the internet is anyway.

Joe Rogan 43:33 It's a, it's a really easy way for people to complain.

Ari Shaffir 43:37 Dude, I, I loved it. I was waiting for it. I, did you see that video I made for So Bombed October?

Joe Rogan 43:42 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 43:42 Okay.

Joe Rogan 43:43 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 43:43 So I was waiting for it 'cause I knew it would come. People were like, "This is hilarious. I'm gonna play it with my friends. Oh, the points aren't the right. This, we have to do more points for this or less points for this." I was just waiting for it, and then I finally saw it. It was like, "This is very irresponsible. You should be ashamed of yourself."

Joe Rogan 43:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:55 "People have real problems." There it is!

Joe Rogan 43:58 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:58 And now, it's just a question of, what percentage of people have that reaction, and what percentage don't?

Joe Rogan 44:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 44:03 So, if there's only one guy, no one's gonna listen. If it was 10 guys or if it was one guy that has a big Twitter following, now everybody's like, feels like they should be mad. You ever see one of those anger things, where you don't quite get it? You know, like sometimes you're like, I see the other side. I think it's too far, but I see the other side. And then sometimes, you're like, I don't even understand why this is even a, a topic. You ever see those?

Joe Rogan 44:24 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 44:24 You know, the e-rages, where it's like-

Joe Rogan 44:26 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 44:26 ... really?

Joe Rogan 44:27 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 44:27 And some of them, you just don't even see. And I think-

Joe Rogan 44:29 Well, it's a light week.

Ari Shaffir 44:31 Maybe.

Joe Rogan 44:32 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 44:32 Duncan told me that half the, uh, uh, anti-Star Wars tweets were Russian bots. I think maybe-

Joe Rogan 44:39 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 44:39 ... they're trying to shove shit under the radar. That's what I've heard. I like the idea.

Joe Rogan 44:43 Oh, so they're covering up.

Ari Shaffir 44:43 Yeah, whenever ... So you just have people in the crowd, fake bots go, "I think this guy was terrible." Like, in a real, like in a ... imagine there's a real, like, f- brawl between two people, two groups, and you could just go into one and be like, "He called you a faggot."

Joe Rogan 44:55 Right.

Ari Shaffir 44:55 And then everybody turns around and gets it going again.

Joe Rogan 44:57 Right, right.

Ari Shaffir 44:59 Th- these things don't seem real.

Joe Rogan 45:01 A lot of them are not real.

Ari Shaffir 45:01 And the comics who take the wrong side, I'm like, I don't think you really care. If I showed somebody, whatever that first one was for that, for the, for that guy, Shane, that funny comic.

Joe Rogan 45:09 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 45:09 If I showed it to the back table at Cell, be like, "What do you think of this?" To one of those woke comics who said, or people who were like, "I think it's too far." If I show them that video, if they, they really didn't like it, they would go like this. They would go, they'd look at it and they would go, "That's dumb." And that'd be the end of it.

Joe Rogan 45:24 Right.

Ari Shaffir 45:24 That would be it.

Joe Rogan 45:26 But they have an opportunity to-

Ari Shaffir 45:28 They feel like you gotta say something.

Joe Rogan 45:30 ... sort of put that flag up and let everybody know that they're on the team that deserves virtue.

Ari Shaffir 45:34 You know, I think the guy's taken enough abuse. At some point, you gotta see the damage this internet shit does to people, and it's like, you're gonna pile on ... It's covered. He's been-

Joe Rogan 45:44 It's, it is hard.

Ari Shaffir 45:44 ... punished hard.

Joe Rogan 45:46 I like recognizing who's gonna always fold.

Ari Shaffir 45:49 SNL will fold.

Joe Rogan 45:51 Yeah, well, that, all comics too.

Ari Shaffir 45:52 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:52 SNL is an organization with a bunch of advertisers, and apparently, that was the big deal. They had to cave to the advertisers.

Ari Shaffir 45:58 But my thing is this, can't the networks just call each other, Netflix and FX and CBS and, and Hulu and Amazon, and all call each other. Just have a meeting, the people who run it, and say, "We gotta release a statement, and the statement should go, 'No matter what somebody said in the past, we feel like for starting from here on in, we don't even know what the rage is gonna be about. We feel like we shouldn't be responsible to be judges and juries on that.'"

Joe Rogan 46:23 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 46:23 "We feel like we've gotten it wrong too many times, and if you guys don't wanna watch, that's up to you, but you gotta take it up with the performer, the artist, whatever." And if they all just released that statement together, people just wouldn't go to them.

Joe Rogan 46:34 They're never gonna do that, though.

Ari Shaffir 46:35 Why? Then they could just be like-

Joe Rogan 46:36 Because-

Ari Shaffir 46:36 ... "It ain't us, you guys."

Joe Rogan 46:37 'Cause advertisers-

Ari Shaffir 46:38 "You gotta take it up to the comic."

Joe Rogan 46:40 Advertisers will use it as an opportunity for them to mer- virtue signal and get more people to buy their product. They'll say, "We do not support this idea that hate speech is something to be casually dismissed."

Ari Shaffir 46:50 But they won't, because they're saying it's not even about anything in particular. It's about, we're not getting involved in this.

Joe Rogan 46:55 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 46:56 What somebody did on the other side or what they're gonna define it as. We've been through this with rap in the fucking '80s. It's just, we're not getting involved. I get it. If for a month, we're not touching anything, it just takes all the pressure off you. You don't think if Amazon and Netflix fucking talked about, "Let's just all put it out together." And then what, do you wanna be the network that says, "No, no, we're gonna actually like, boycott our comics if they actually do say something on a separate platform"? Or do you wanna be the network going, "Yep, we also agree. Comics, do whatever you want."?

Joe Rogan 47:25 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 47:25 "You're not here." It's not like you're saying something to somebody in the hallway of SNL. You're saying something separately for the fucking 6,000 followers you have who sign up for that shit.

Joe Rogan 47:33 Right. They're never gonna do it.

Ari Shaffir 47:36 Why?

Joe Rogan 47:37 'Cause there's too much outrage.

Ari Shaffir 47:38 You, but then that takes the heat off you. Then you don't have to deal with it from now on.

Joe Rogan 47:41 It's too dangerous right now, Ari.

Ari Shaffir 47:43 Ah, it'd be perfect.

Joe Rogan 47:44 What is-

Ari Shaffir 47:44 It'd be perfect.

Joe Rogan 47:45 That's why you don't run a business.

Ari Shaffir 47:46 It'd be ... They all should just do it.

Joe Rogan 47:49 They're never gonna do it. What is that wristband you have on?

Narrator 47:52 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 47:52 Oh, music festival.

Joe Rogan 47:53 It's bothering me.

Ari Shaffir 47:53 (laughs) Yeah, I gotta, I gotta get tickets for next year, and once I, no, once I do, I'll cut it off.

Joe Rogan 47:58 Really?

Ari Shaffir 47:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:59 You gotta get tickets for next year?

Ari Shaffir 48:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:01 And once you do, you'll cut it off?

Ari Shaffir 48:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:02 Does that help you get tickets?

Ari Shaffir 48:03 Yeah, dude. It's all about the mindset. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:07 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:09 What is this? Why is there a knife? I don't know it.

Joe Rogan 48:11 Cut that fucking thing off.

Ari Shaffir 48:13 Dude, I gotta tell you about-

Joe Rogan 48:14 What are you, 12, 15 years old?

Narrator 48:15 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:15 Fucking ...

Joe Rogan 48:15 What are you doing with this fucking thing on your wrist?

Ari Shaffir 48:17 No, I'm waiting, it's good luck. Hey, I went to this-

Joe Rogan 48:20 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:20 ... nightclub in Germany, in Berlin. It was fucking so fun. Dude, I've been having fun going around places.

Joe Rogan 48:28 Yeah? Tell me.

Ari Shaffir 48:28 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:29 What did, what was it?

Ari Shaffir 48:31 Um, okay. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:33 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 48:33 It's fucking nuts. They do shit on another level there. I'm not into EDM and stuff, but like, it was great. As soon as you walk in, it's like, okay, first of all, you can't even get in. Oh my God. Okay, the first thing you see when you get in is just a bunch of people in leather, worn out. It goes from Friday night midnight until, like, Monday at about noon.

Joe Rogan 48:54 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 48:54 And you can just stay in and do hella drugs and just dance for, like, techno and, like, house music on different floors.

Joe Rogan 49:00 People die in there?

Ari Shaffir 49:01 They must. They must.

Joe Rogan 49:03 They must. They must go too hard and have heart attacks.

Ari Shaffir 49:05 Yeah, but everyone ... Yeah, they must.

Joe Rogan 49:07 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 49:08 But when you're down there, it's on the third d- level where there's no ... And there's people just coming down. I went in like a day and a half, so it was like Sunday when I went. So people were just like, out of it, sweaty, girls with, like, tutus and like, whatever. There's a coat check place where somebody said, um, somebody checked their gimp one time.

Joe Rogan 49:26 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 49:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:26 Into the coat check place?

Ari Shaffir 49:27 Yeah, like, "You gotta stay here for me."

Joe Rogan 49:29 Make him wait?

Ari Shaffir 49:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:30 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 49:30 Okay.... the very first thing I saw. I go in, it's overwhelming. Me and my promoter were there and we're like, "This is fucking too much." And, uh, we're like, "All right, let's get beers." And I saw ... (laughs) This is so great, dude. It, the way to get in is just to wear all black or wear leather, or just be with gay people. Gay people just get in and they make sure it's, like, a good time for everybody. And, uh, they make you put a sticker over your phone. No pictures. They'll throw you the fuck out. Do whatever drugs you want. Anyway, as soon as I see that, there's a guy at the end of the bar just getting jerked off as he's ordering.

Joe Rogan 50:02 By a guy or a girl?

Ari Shaffir 50:03 By a guy.

Joe Rogan 50:05 Jerked off by a guy?

Ari Shaffir 50:05 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:07 Okay.

Ari Shaffir 50:07 And he's fucking ... (laughs) Order the beer, out of it on drugs-

Joe Rogan 50:11 Right.

Ari Shaffir 50:11 ... and still trying to get some ... His other hand is just gone inside his asshole.

Joe Rogan 50:15 Ew. Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 50:16 Yeah. A full, like ... 'Cause it didn't make sense. The jerk doesn't-

Joe Rogan 50:19 Fists?

Ari Shaffir 50:19 Yeah. I think ... I mean, I don't know.

Joe Rogan 50:20 Something.

Ari Shaffir 50:21 It might have been open.

Joe Rogan 50:22 Fingers?

Ari Shaffir 50:22 It might have been. I don't know what it was doing-

Joe Rogan 50:23 Something's happening.

Ari Shaffir 50:23 ... on the inside. It might have been open or closed.

Joe Rogan 50:25 Like a puppet?

Ari Shaffir 50:25 Yeah. Um, and then it's just debauchery. You just get drugs in the bathroom, and dance, and dance, and dance.

Joe Rogan 50:32 Woo.

Ari Shaffir 50:33 Yeah. Full ... You see full, like, blow jobs going on.

Joe Rogan 50:36 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 50:37 It's like anything goes. People are out with their, like, jicks, dicks out, just fucking jumping and dancing.

Joe Rogan 50:41 If you gave everybody drugs, that's what they would do.

Ari Shaffir 50:43 Oh my gosh.

Joe Rogan 50:44 Yeah. Good times?

Ari Shaffir 50:46 It was the best.

Joe Rogan 50:47 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 50:47 You'd just walk around and you'd go to the bathroom. Somebody eventually ... I was looking for, like, anything.

Joe Rogan 50:53 What were you trying to get?

Ari Shaffir 50:54 Ecstasy, probably.

Joe Rogan 50:55 Right.

Ari Shaffir 50:55 Molly. You know, something like that. Somebody eventually gave me one. I was like, "I got enough from my promoter guy, too." And he was like, "No, no, I'm going home. I'm only staying until, like, 3:00. I got my kid's, like, soccer game tomorrow."

Joe Rogan 51:04 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 51:04 And I was like, "All right, so I'll throw this out then. I won't ... I'll, uh, we'll just throw out the ecstasy." And he's all, "Fucking relax." (laughs) So, we took some and then we'd just start dancing, man.

Joe Rogan 51:12 Woo.

Ari Shaffir 51:12 It was so fun. The music is nuts there. They got, like, the best DJs in the world, like, go down there and just, like-

Joe Rogan 51:18 Really?

Ari Shaffir 51:18 ... show off. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:20 Wow. And just, like, do sets?

Ari Shaffir 51:22 Yeah, it's kinda like The Comedy Store.

Joe Rogan 51:23 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 51:23 Kinda like The Comedy Store where it's, like, the best comics in the world doing it for w- what? 15 bucks?

Joe Rogan 51:27 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 51:28 Nothing to do with the money. They're trying to show off.

Joe Rogan 51:30 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 51:32 Oh, God. It was so fucking fun. They just had this, like, nightclub culture. They'll even have, like, rockabilly bars there, and then people are dancing in the back.

Joe Rogan 51:40 Do you remember when the early days of the internet you would get shit porn from Germany?

Ari Shaffir 51:45 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 51:45 It was always from Germany.

Ari Shaffir 51:46 They go, they go, "Whatever you're into. Just go for it."

Joe Rogan 51:49 Why Germany? Like, do you think after World War II they just went crazy?

Ari Shaffir 51:52 No. I think, not after World War II, I think after the Berlin Wall fell. I think it's all a reaction-

Joe Rogan 51:56 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 51:56 ... to that shit.

Joe Rogan 51:57 Really?

Ari Shaffir 51:58 Yeah, because they're not really ... In Berlin, at least, they're not really thinking about the Holocaust anymore. They're thinking about that East/West.

Joe Rogan 52:04 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 52:04 That's their most recent massive-

Joe Rogan 52:06 Right.

Ari Shaffir 52:06 ... historical ... You know?

Joe Rogan 52:07 And that was, what was that, the '80s?

Ari Shaffir 52:10 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:12 That was during the Reagan administration, wasn't it?

Ari Shaffir 52:13 Mm-hmm. "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall."

Joe Rogan 52:15 Didn't I kn- ... I think I know somebody who had a piece of the wall.

Ari Shaffir 52:19 I had one. You could buy it at Spencer's and stuff.

Joe Rogan 52:22 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 52:22 Yeah, I had one.

Joe Rogan 52:23 Spencer Gifts?

Ari Shaffir 52:23 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:24 You had a piece of the wall?

Ari Shaffir 52:25 You could also buy a, uh, the, the poster of a guy with his ... Like that. You know?

Joe Rogan 52:29 Oh, his, uh, dick root showing?

Ari Shaffir 52:30 Yeah, just, like, a little bit, you know?

Joe Rogan 52:32 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 52:32 Just, like, "Hanging out with my cowboy hat."

Joe Rogan 52:35 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 52:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:36 You know Abercrombie & Fitch? You know that store?

Ari Shaffir 52:38 Abercrombie & Fonch?

Joe Rogan 52:39 Yeah. You know-

Ari Shaffir 52:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:40 ... you go there, they spray you with some fucking toxic chemicals?

Ari Shaffir 52:42 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:43 You know that?

Ari Shaffir 52:43 As soon as you go in.

Joe Rogan 52:44 It's ... Like, the whole place is filled with perfume. It's really strange. That used to be a place where you would go and buy, like, legit outdoor gear.

Ari Shaffir 52:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:51 Like, if you were going fly fishing. Say, if you and I were gonna go down in the fucking river in Montana-

Ari Shaffir 52:56 Abercrombie & Fitch was?

Joe Rogan 52:57 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 52:58 Wow.

Joe Rogan 52:58 That's what it used to be.

Ari Shaffir 52:59 Wow.

Joe Rogan 53:00 They used to sell, like, kayaks and shit.

Ari Shaffir 53:02 Yeah, with, like, flannels by the time I was-

Joe Rogan 53:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 53:04 And now it's-

Joe Rogan 53:05 Now, it's just, like-

Ari Shaffir 53:06 ... DJ gear.

Joe Rogan 53:07 But it's all these, uh, weird hermaphrodite-looking people.

Ari Shaffir 53:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 53:13 Like, everyone is, everyone is, like, asexual or weirdly thin, just strange, you know, gender-neutral.

Ari Shaffir 53:23 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 53:23 You know what I mean?

Ari Shaffir 53:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:24 Like, the girls are ... They all look like they're 14.

Ari Shaffir 53:26 It's The Crying Game.

Joe Rogan 53:28 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 53:28 (laughs) They call The Crying Game.

Joe Rogan 53:29 Yeah. That ... Nobody knows what The Crying Game is anymore.

Ari Shaffir 53:31 (laughs) That was the biggest-

Joe Rogan 53:32 That was, like, the ... one of the first transgender things we'd ever experienced.

Ari Shaffir 53:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:35 Like, culturally. The Crying Game.

Ari Shaffir 53:37 That sign across the street from the store, on the Hyatt? That one's another w- like a, like a gender-neutral Asian lady with a, like, a slightly less gender-neutral Asian lady.

Joe Rogan 53:45 Where's that?

Ari Shaffir 53:46 It's on the store, the one with the parking lot faces, you know?

Joe Rogan 53:48 It's there right now?

Ari Shaffir 53:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:49 There's a sign there right now?

Ari Shaffir 53:50 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 53:50 What is it?

Ari Shaffir 53:51 It's just these two ...

Joe Rogan 53:53 Two Asian ladies?

Ari Shaffir 53:53 ... models, yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:54 Mm.

Ari Shaffir 53:54 But they look like, "What the fuck are you?"

Joe Rogan 53:56 "What are you, a boy or a girl?"

Ari Shaffir 53:57 Yeah. But-

Joe Rogan 53:57 That's in now. It's in if people can't tell if you're a boy or a girl.

Ari Shaffir 54:00 Yeah. It's nice. Mysterioso.

Joe Rogan 54:02 It's mysterious. But why is that in? Why are people into that?

Ari Shaffir 54:07 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 54:08 Like, what-

Ari Shaffir 54:09 They, they are.

Joe Rogan 54:09 But it's, uh, but they're into it for advertising, right? But are they into it ... Like, how many people ... Like, what is the market for, like, people being gender-neutral-looking?

Ari Shaffir 54:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:20 Like, who, who's going to, like, "Hey, man, you going out tonight?" "Yeah, I'm gonna try to meet somebody." "Who're you trying to meet?" "Someone who I can't tell what the fuck they are."

Ari Shaffir 54:26 (laughs) I just don't wanna know.

Joe Rogan 54:27 That's my thing.

Ari Shaffir 54:28 I don't wanna know. I'm doing anal and I don't wanna know.

Joe Rogan 54:31 When I pull their pants down, I don't know what the fuck to expect. I, I'm just-

Ari Shaffir 54:34 Well, are you looking for a boy or a girl?

Joe Rogan 54:35 Who cares?

Ari Shaffir 54:36 Wow.

Joe Rogan 54:37 I like butts, buttholes.

Ari Shaffir 54:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:39 Just buttholes.

Ari Shaffir 54:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:41 (laughs) I don't care, I don't care if you're gay, or straight, or trans, or what the fuck ever.

Ari Shaffir 54:50 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 54:50 Everlast just signed their first ever transgender boxer. It's a trans female-to-male boxer. And my first thought was, "This guy's gonna get lit up." Like, he goes and fights actual men.

Ari Shaffir 55:05 Oh, it was female-to-male?

Joe Rogan 55:06 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 55:07 Well, hope ... They're all amateurs, I guess.

Joe Rogan 55:09 Maybe. I don't know.

Ari Shaffir 55:10 Dude, we saw at Skankfest, naked roast battle.

Joe Rogan 55:13 See, this is it. That's a female-to-male.

Ari Shaffir 55:15 Really?

Joe Rogan 55:16 Yep. Look at the shoulders. That looks like Andy Dick shoulders.

Ari Shaffir 55:19 Uh, a lot of facial hair.

Guest 55:20 You see this at, like, uh, perf- track, track teams do, uh, tr- mixed gender races-

Joe Rogan 55:24 Yeah, it was-

Guest 55:24 ... in relay races?

Joe Rogan 55:25 Disaster. I, I Tweeted about it. Yeah, it's a disaster.

Ari Shaffir 55:28 Disasteroids.

Joe Rogan 55:28 Yeah. Well, the, the, the men blew by the women, like, they were parts.That's how it works, kids. You want-

Ari Shaffir 55:33 (laughs) Like, there are parts-

Joe Rogan 55:33 ... all this transgender shit, you know who, you know transgender athletes, you know who suffers? Women.

Ari Shaffir 55:38 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:38 That's who suffers, it's always women. When you're, when you're trying to, like, make everything diverse, "Let's diversify and include everyone." No. You're not including everyone. You're including men to compete as women.

Ari Shaffir 55:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:48 That's what you're doing. Because the women competing as men, like that Everlast boxer?

Ari Shaffir 55:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:52 Dude, I haven't sparred in forever and I'll knock that dude the fuck out.

Ari Shaffir 55:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:55 There's just n- no way. Like, e- there's a difference. There's a giant difference.

Ari Shaffir 56:00 Yep.

Joe Rogan 56:00 That guy's never gonna beat Deontay Wilder. He's never gonna beat a real boxer.

Ari Shaffir 56:04 Yeah. Remember Andy Kaufman was full-on challenging women wrestlers? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 56:07 Oh, he's amazing. Amazing.

Ari Shaffir 56:08 And he was going as hard as he could.

Joe Rogan 56:10 Amazing. Amazing.

Ari Shaffir 56:11 He was going as hard as he could.

Joe Rogan 56:13 There's a lot of women jujitsu people that'll fuck you up, though.

Ari Shaffir 56:15 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 56:16 But that's a different animal. You're not punching things. I mean, there's a lot of female boxers that'll fuck, like, Cl- Claressa Shields will fuck you up. You know, uh, there's, there's a few. Anne Wolf, she'll fuck a lot of men up. But it's not normal.

Ari Shaffir 56:27 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:27 Like, they're not gonna fuck a normal man up who weighs the same weight as them.

Ari Shaffir 56:31 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:31 It's just, they're just not. It's just not fair. It's not fair. And women suffer. With this transgender athlete thing-

Ari Shaffir 56:38 What do you think, they're gonna-

Joe Rogan 56:38 ... the people that are suffering are biological females-

Ari Shaffir 56:39 Do you think they're gonna figure it out or what?

Joe Rogan 56:41 They, well, the W- Olympic, uh, the Weightlifting Committee's already figured it out. Powerlifting Committee, um, they've already banned transgender women. They've banned them all.

Ari Shaffir 56:50 Really?

Joe Rogan 56:50 Yeah. The, uh, pft, nah, whatever the organization of powerlifters is, but they, they've put the fucking kibosh on it because all these trans women-

Ari Shaffir 56:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:58 ... who are fucking men, are breaking all these world records.

Ari Shaffir 57:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:01 It's like, "You're a der. How weird." They're crushing these records.

Ari Shaffir 57:05 It's funny 'cause, like, uh, we wanna be, like, okay, I wanna understand your plight, but at the same time, you guys gotta see it from our point of view.

Joe Rogan 57:11 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 57:11 (laughs) You are setting world records all the time.

Joe Rogan 57:13 It doesn't make any sense. It's just this weird ... So, you know what it is? It's where the rubber hits the road when it comes to this whole trans-activism thing. Like, this is what it, where the really hi- like, when gender dysphoria becomes a real issue. When is, when is that? When physical competition and physical altercations-

Ari Shaffir 57:32 Right.

Joe Rogan 57:32 ... if a trans woman beats the shit out of, uh, a regular woman in a bar, is it a girl beating up a girl in a bar?

Ari Shaffir 57:38 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:38 Let's, let's be honest. It's not.

Ari Shaffir 57:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:40 It's a, a male. It's a biological male beating up a female. That's what it is. That is what it is. And there was a study recently released about trans athletes and their physical performance after, you know, one year of transitioning, and how much the males have lost versus how much the females have gained. Female to male, gained very little. Male to female, lost very little. The, the-

Ari Shaffir 58:05 Really?

Joe Rogan 58:05 Yeah, very little. It's, like, a very small decrease in their, their overall strength after a year of transitioning.

Ari Shaffir 58:12 Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 58:12 Like, small. Like, below 15%.

Ari Shaffir 58:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:14 It's just outrageous. These, it's women. It's biological women getting fucked over by people who want to be a woman. That's what it is. And everyone who wants to be, "Oh, we're diverse and we're inclusive and, you know, we're progressive and we're woke, so we recognize you."

Ari Shaffir 58:26 What if you, what if you went from woman to man, could you then fight against the women?

Joe Rogan 58:30 No. If you went from woman to man, you fight against men, and you get incautions.

Ari Shaffir 58:33 No, but can't you, in this new world, could you fight back in the wo-? Can you, like, if I'm born a woman, now I'm a man-

Joe Rogan 58:39 Yeah. You can fight-

Ari Shaffir 58:40 ... where can, where should I fight?

Joe Rogan 58:41 You have to fight men.

Ari Shaffir 58:43 No.

Joe Rogan 58:43 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 58:44 But I'm saying, under, in your world-

Joe Rogan 58:45 In my world?

Ari Shaffir 58:46 Yeah. Where they, where they can't fight-

Joe Rogan 58:47 Fight trans people.

Ari Shaffir 58:49 I know the trans people. That's their group. That is their group.

Joe Rogan 58:50 This is a simple, the simple solution is compete against other trans people.

Ari Shaffir 58:53 And I'm just saying too, like, how about we get the races separate as well?

Joe Rogan 58:57 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 58:57 These Black guys should fight Blacks, and these whites should fight whites. We need a chance, we need something to root for in every fight, and we don't get that.

Joe Rogan 59:04 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 59:04 I would definitely watch a white fighting league. I've been telling (laughs) , I told Dana White, I was like, "If you really wanna get people into the Ultimate Fighter, you gotta do a Ultimate Fighter race."

Joe Rogan 59:12 (gasps)

Ari Shaffir 59:12 And have, uh, four teams, Mexicans or any Latinos, Blacks, uh, whites, and, uh, the Asians. And then have them fight against each other, have four ca- captains each of that. It'd be so much fun. All amateurs.

Joe Rogan 59:26 It'd be a real issue.

Ari Shaffir 59:27 It'd be so fun.

Joe Rogan 59:29 People would get so angry. But take-

Ari Shaffir 59:30 But they all sign up for it.

Joe Rogan 59:31 Well, what they, it's already weird when they do, like, Brazil versus the US.

Ari Shaffir 59:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:34 They've done those before.

Ari Shaffir 59:35 I know. The, we went to one, it was great.

Joe Rogan 59:36 Right. But it was Brazil, like, Brazilians, B- B- Brazilians are uniquely diverse.

Ari Shaffir 59:40 Oh, uh, did they do the Ultimate Fighter like that?

Joe Rogan 59:42 Yeah, I believe so.

Ari Shaffir 59:42 Oh.

Joe Rogan 59:43 I believe they did.

Ari Shaffir 59:43 Race, Dana. Ultimate Fighter race.

Joe Rogan 59:45 I believe they did, I believe they did Ultimate Fighter, uh, B- Brazil versus US. All-Brazilian team, all-US team. But the thing about-

Ari Shaffir 59:52 I'm on team whites. I'm on the Blacks. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:55 But you're Jewish. What are you?

Ari Shaffir 59:56 Jewish or white.

Joe Rogan 59:57 If Jews are white, you have to compete against each other.

Ari Shaffir 59:57 You know that. Jews are white.

Joe Rogan 59:59 You're Jews. But, but whites hate you.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:00 Oh, we could have, we c- (laughs) We could just be the guys who wear the suits and, right outside the ring.

Joe Rogan 1:00:05 But white supremacists hate the Jews.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:07 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:07 That's one of the things they always get mad at.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:08 They really do.

Joe Rogan 1:00:09 When someone goes crazy, they always hit the ... Yeah, Wanderlei s- Wanderlei Silva versus Chael Sonnen. Yeah. That's right.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:15 Wow.

Joe Rogan 1:00:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:15 No, I want full race. This is a good start, for sure.

Joe Rogan 1:00:18 But, but hold on.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:19 What?

Joe Rogan 1:00:19 Hold on. Put that back up, Jamie.

Guest 1:00:20 Yep, yep.

Joe Rogan 1:00:20 G- M- L- Make that so I can read the whole thing. Make it a little smaller. There you go.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:24 Make it, make it so it's that.

Joe Rogan 1:00:26 Yeah, the coaches, I think he might've coached team, yeah, I don't know about that. That, see, that's just Wanderlei versus Chael. I don't know if it's specifically Brazilians versus-

Ari Shaffir 1:00:38 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 1:00:39 ... Americans. Maybe I'm wrong. But-

Ari Shaffir 1:00:41 You could do it, all the fighters will sign up for it. They know it's a joke.

Joe Rogan 1:00:45 I think it should be-

Ari Shaffir 1:00:46 We're more at odds with each other than ever. Why not capitalize on that?

Joe Rogan 1:00:49 I think it should be white racists versus angry Black guys.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:55 That would be fun.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:55 Yeah. You could have Cowboy Cerrone (laughs) as the coaching wise, but-

Joe Rogan 1:00:59 What does he think?

Ari Shaffir 1:00:59 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 1:00:59 No.

Ari Shaffir 1:01:00 I would assume he's a cowboy.

Joe Rogan 1:01:01 No, no, no, no, no. Cowb- cowboys, he's got a lot of Black guys. He's got racists of all-

Ari Shaffir 1:01:05 You could have only, like, half and half people coaching each side.

Joe Rogan 1:01:08 Okay. Like, only, yeah, mixed race?

Ari Shaffir 1:01:10 The only mixed race people, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:12 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 1:01:13 No, that, okay, let's, we're tweaking it. We're tweaking it. I, as I hear-

Joe Rogan 1:01:16 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:01:16 ... some of these things out loud, I realize, nah, maybe that won't work.

Joe Rogan 1:01:19 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 1:01:19 You should be coached by your race.

Joe Rogan 1:01:21 Well, it's weird when you go to other countries, right? 'Cause, uh, did you see what happened, uh, in Mexico?

Ari Shaffir 1:01:25 You can make it friendly, too. You can be like, if the S- if the Spaniards win one, you can be like, "Now, you guys, I'm gonna show you something about our culture. We're gonna all go to this, this restaurant and I'm gonna show you what,