Joe Rogan Experience #1360 - Nikki Glaser

1. 0:05 – 2:40

   Marshall the Golden Retriever & why rescue dogs take time

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:05

      That's it. We're moving.

   2. NGNikki Glaser0:06

      (laughs) We're doing it.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:07

      We're in mo- we're in motion.

   4. NGNikki Glaser0:08

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:08

      Nikki Glaser, AKA Marshall's new best friend.

   6. NGNikki Glaser0:11

      Oh, that's so nice to hear.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      Yeah, you're definitely his new best friend.

   8. NGNikki Glaser0:14

      Really?

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      No, for sure. Didn't you see?

   10. NGNikki Glaser0:16

       But I feel like he likes everyone.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:17

       He does like everyone.

   12. NGNikki Glaser0:18

       Okay.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:18

       But he likes you.

   14. NGNikki Glaser0:19

       Right now.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:20

       For sure he likes you.

   16. NGNikki Glaser0:21

       Yes.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:21

       Did you see, he jumped all over you?

   18. NGNikki Glaser0:22

       It was so awesome. I love him. I needed it so bad.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:25

       He is a rare dog.

   20. NGNikki Glaser0:26

       He is.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:27

       It's weird, right?

   22. NGNikki Glaser0:28

       It... Instantly, like he looked... I told you when y- he came in, you... I didn't... Hadn't even seen you yet, and he just saw me, and it's like we met acr- our eyes met across the room, and he just like bounded towards me. It felt so good.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:40

       He runs to you like you're his best friend.

   24. NGNikki Glaser0:41

       Yeah, like he's like, "I'm seeing you again."

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       And he hasn't seen you-

   26. NGNikki Glaser0:44

       Yes.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       ... in forever. Oh my God. (laughs)

   28. NGNikki Glaser0:44

       Like I just got back from war, and he's my child. Licking my fa- Just so excited. Ugh.

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:50

       Yeah, he starts whimpering, like "Oh."

   30. NGNikki Glaser0:51

       It was so good.
2. 2:40 – 3:54

   Rescue “backstories,” fostering mishaps, and why shelters sell narratives

   1. NGNikki Glaser2:40

      Yeah. It's... My, my dog that I got bit me on the first day and drew blood, and I was just like-

   2. JRJoe Rogan2:45

      Ugh.

   3. NGNikki Glaser2:45

      ... "I'm getting rid of this thing. This isn't gonna last." I was just fostering it.

   4. JRJoe Rogan2:49

      Yeah.

   5. NGNikki Glaser2:49

      And then it switched. At some point, it f- it loved me, and I, like, learned how to love through that dog.

   6. JRJoe Rogan2:56

      Why invite you?

   7. NGNikki Glaser2:56

      I just, like, went in too soon.

   8. JRJoe Rogan2:58

      Yeah.

   9. NGNikki Glaser2:58

      And it just was... Uh, it was abused before.

   10. JRJoe Rogan3:00

       Yeah.

   11. NGNikki Glaser3:00

       It came with this whole backstory of like, it f- m- the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a Pizza Hut, and it was living off pizza, and a kid tried... They had this whole story.

   12. JRJoe Rogan3:10

       Oh.

   13. NGNikki Glaser3:10

       I think a lot of rescue places make up stories-

   14. JRJoe Rogan3:13

       (laughs) For sure.

   15. NGNikki Glaser3:13

       ... so that you're like-

   16. JRJoe Rogan3:15

       For sure.

   17. NGNikki Glaser3:15

       ... more inclined-

   18. JRJoe Rogan3:16

       Yeah.

   19. NGNikki Glaser3:16

       ... to buy, to get these things, 'cause they come with this story. 'Cause I checked later on to be like, "Which Pizza Hut was it?" 'Cause I wanted to bring Luigi, my dog, back to the Pizza Hut it came from just to see if it, like, remembered-

   20. JRJoe Rogan3:27

       What if he gets PTSD?

   21. NGNikki Glaser3:28

       I kinda wanted it to.

   22. JRJoe Rogan3:30

       (laughs)

   23. NGNikki Glaser3:30

       Like, I wanted to just see.

   24. JRJoe Rogan3:32

       (laughs)

   25. NGNikki Glaser3:32

       And she goes, "I think that was just a story we made up," and I was like, "Oh, come on."

   26. JRJoe Rogan3:36

       Oh. How can they make up stories? That's so dirty.

   27. NGNikki Glaser3:39

       Because it moves dogs, man.

   28. JRJoe Rogan3:41

       Yeah, they gotta move dogs.

   29. NGNikki Glaser3:41

       Whatever they d- can do to move those dogs. Give them names, give them a story. "He slept on a, a pizza crust as a pillow." You know, like just any kind of thing that makes them...

3. 3:54 – 5:29

   PETA, animal liberation ideology, and the veganism vs. factory farming debate

   1. JRJoe Rogan3:54

      Did you know that PETA kills thousands of dogs-

   2. NGNikki Glaser3:57

      That's what I've heard.

   3. JRJoe Rogan3:58

      ... and cats every year?

   4. NGNikki Glaser3:58

      Any time I p- post anything about PETA-

   5. JRJoe Rogan4:00

      Yeah.

   6. NGNikki Glaser4:00

      ... I have a bunch of people saying, "They're the worst."

   7. JRJoe Rogan4:02

      Well, they're not the worst, but what they are is... They're... The, the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization. The, the origins of PETA, the people that originally founded PETA believe that all animals, including pets, should be free. They don't believe in domesticated animals.

   8. NGNikki Glaser4:18

      Okay. Well, I d- that's...

   9. JRJoe Rogan4:20

      It's preposterous.

   10. NGNikki Glaser4:21

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan4:21

       Look at that dog out there. He's having a great old time. (laughs)

   12. NGNikki Glaser4:23

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan4:24

       He eats-

   14. NGNikki Glaser4:24

       Being a pet is the be- I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's Golden Retriever.

   15. JRJoe Rogan4:30

       (laughs)

   16. NGNikki Glaser4:30

       I've said that. I didn't realize your dog is what I wanna come back as.

   17. JRJoe Rogan4:34

       That's hilarious.

   18. NGNikki Glaser4:34

       It's the best life. The best life. That dog has only known love.

   19. JRJoe Rogan4:39

       Yeah, he's-

   20. NGNikki Glaser4:40

       What stress happens in that dog's life?

   21. JRJoe Rogan4:41

       Uh, occasionally, he can't go out. (laughs)

   22. NGNikki Glaser4:45

       (laughs) Yes.

   23. JRJoe Rogan4:46

       Like if I'm injured or something like that-

   24. NGNikki Glaser4:48

       Yes.

   25. JRJoe Rogan4:48

       ... and he can't run for like weeks at a time, he gets bummed out.

   26. NGNikki Glaser4:51

       But PETA kills animals because they think that... Their policy is that it's you're more free to be dead than you are...

   27. JRJoe Rogan4:59

       I don't know. Well, I don't wanna put words in their mouth.

   28. NGNikki Glaser5:01

       I think that's it.

   29. JRJoe Rogan5:02

       They definitely kill animals.

   30. NGNikki Glaser5:03

       Um-
4. 5:29 – 10:39

   Lobsters, bugs, depression-vegan spirals, and Nikki’s infamous shower story

   1. NGNikki Glaser5:29

      But those lobsters have always made me so sad.

   2. JRJoe Rogan5:32

      Why? They're bugs. Do you swat mosquitoes?

   3. NGNikki Glaser5:36

      I rarely kill bugs.

   4. JRJoe Rogan5:37

      When mosquitoes are fucking you up, you just let them... "Please divinely eat me. Drink of my blood."

   5. NGNikki Glaser5:42

      No.

   6. JRJoe Rogan5:43

      "You are me, and I am you."

   7. NGNikki Glaser5:45

      No.

   8. JRJoe Rogan5:45

      "And if you give me malaria, then so be it."

   9. NGNikki Glaser5:47

      I just...

   10. JRJoe Rogan5:48

       (laughs)

   11. NGNikki Glaser5:49

       Okay, maybe not... Like I, I'm not crazy.

   12. JRJoe Rogan5:52

       Okay, I, I come over to your house. Your house is filled with roaches. I hand you bug spray. Do you use it?

   13. NGNikki Glaser5:57

       Um, yes.

   14. JRJoe Rogan5:58

       Yeah.

   15. NGNikki Glaser5:58

       Because roaches-

   16. JRJoe Rogan5:59

       Roaches can fuck off.

   17. NGNikki Glaser6:00

       Although, I did have an instance... And this is-True. I was in the shower, and I was- it was having ... I get really vegan, and really, um, when I'm depressed, I get more vegan than ever. It's like what throws me into it. I'm just feeling too much, and then I feel for every animal, and it just-

   18. JRJoe Rogan6:15

       Mm-hmm.

   19. NGNikki Glaser6:15

       ... gets out of control. So, if I'm ever, you know, going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram, someone should check in on me.

   20. JRJoe Rogan6:22

       (laughs)

   21. NGNikki Glaser6:23

       I'm not doing well.

   22. JRJoe Rogan6:23

       Okay. Call-

   23. NGNikki Glaser6:24

       I'm- I'm in a dark place.

   24. JRJoe Rogan6:25

       I'll call you.

   25. NGNikki Glaser6:25

       Yes.

   26. JRJoe Rogan6:26

       I'll call you.

   27. NGNikki Glaser6:26

       Um, and one day, I was in the shower, and there was a dying house centipede, like drowning. The grossest bug known to man. Like, it's- they're half centipede, half spider. They're disgusting. They've- I- I don't hate anything more than that creature. And I was like, "You know what? I can't kill it. I wanna save it and just take it outside, and I'll, like, tell my vegan friends. Like, I'll be, like, such a good vegan today." So I got out of the shower, and like ... You know when you get out of the shower and you think you're just, like, you just don't need a towel? "I'm just gonna grab something." And you, like, traipse like a lazy river throughout your hou-

   28. JRJoe Rogan6:55

       Right.

   29. NGNikki Glaser6:55

       ... because there's s- I did that. I made a huge mess, get a paper towel, I come back, and I pick it up, and I'm so scared to do it. And I, and I, like, I'm so proud of myself, too. I can't wait to fucking tell the vegans. And I open-

   30. JRJoe Rogan7:06

       (laughs)
5. 10:39 – 13:57

   “Demons” of unused energy: why workouts stabilize mood and reduce reactivity

   1. JRJoe Rogan10:39

      Um, "You better work out-"

   2. NGNikki Glaser10:40

      Things-

   3. JRJoe Rogan10:40

      "... bitch."

   4. NGNikki Glaser10:41

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan10:41

      Otherwise, the demons'll catch ya. They'll get you.

   6. NGNikki Glaser10:43

      But you love working out.

   7. JRJoe Rogan10:44

      Yeah. I- well, I love working out for two reasons. One, because it makes me feel good, and two, because I don't want the demons to catch me.

   8. NGNikki Glaser10:51

      What are these demons?

   9. JRJoe Rogan10:52

      Demons.

   10. NGNikki Glaser10:53

       Tell me.

   11. JRJoe Rogan10:54

       The demons are anger demons.

   12. NGNikki Glaser10:55

       Anger?

   13. JRJoe Rogan10:56

       Anger demons. Yeah. Most men have anger demons 'cause most men have, uh, a certain amount of r- there's a requirement that your body has in terms of, like, the expenditure of energy, and if you don't meet that requirement, you get antsy, and then you get agitated. When you see people flipping people off in traffic and going fucking crazy and road raging, what do you think that is? For most people, it's this, uh, this, like, excess of energy oozing out like an overflowing battery, and they don't know what to do with it.

   14. NGNikki Glaser11:23

       Hmm.

   15. JRJoe Rogan11:23

       You know? And if you have any sort of a history of violence or- or extreme, like, uh, like, uh, combat sports or, uh, contact sports like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression, like, that's sort of inherently a part of who you are.

   16. NGNikki Glaser11:40

       And then where do you put that when you're not doing that anymore?

   17. JRJoe Rogan11:43

       Exactly. You gotta exercise that shit out.

   18. NGNikki Glaser11:45

       Yeah, you were talking about this with- the other day with, uh, the boys, talking about Sober October, about how when you work out, you don't ... You're do it- when you were, last October, doing f- five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing-

   19. JRJoe Rogan11:58

       A lot of hours, yeah.

   20. NGNikki Glaser11:59

       ... you hadn't- you couldn't feel anything afterwards. There was some kind of residual ... You were talk- I didn't even comprehend it 'cause I've never worked out that much.

   21. JRJoe Rogan12:06

       We were talking about how nothing bothers you.

   22. NGNikki Glaser12:08

       Nothing bothers you?

   23. JRJoe Rogan12:08

       Nothing. Nothing.

   24. NGNikki Glaser12:10

       Because you're so tired?

   25. JRJoe Rogan12:11

       No. No, because I'm not that- that's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape, and then you're not that ti- it's not that you're that tired. It's just that you're even-... like, all you, the way you process things, there's no, like, "Whoa, w- who the fuck does this guy think he is?" There's none of that.

   26. NGNikki Glaser12:27

       Okay.

   27. JRJoe Rogan12:27

       There's none of that. It's like, someone flips you off, "Oh, look at that guy flipping me off."

   28. NGNikki Glaser12:31

       (laughs) .

   29. JRJoe Rogan12:31

       And, like, registers zero. It doesn't mean that you, you don't love things or get passionate about things, but all the internal negative chatter is gone, all of it. All of the, all of the, the, the tr- pitfalls and tr- psychological traps that your, your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity, if you don't occupy it. I think that's a lot of what people go through in their life with anxiety, with, uh, well, all sorts of different issues. I think i- we have, like, human reward systems that are built in that, that helped us survive from the fucking caveman days.

   30. NGNikki Glaser13:06

       Mm-hmm.
6. 13:57 – 15:28

   Meditation, thoughts as not-you, and the Heineken Zero detour

   1. NGNikki Glaser13:57

      (sighs) But, uh, what about your thoughts? How do you, what are your feelings on thoughts?

   2. JRJoe Rogan14:01

      (clears throat) What are my feelings on them? In what way?

   3. NGNikki Glaser14:03

      Yeah, like, uh, for me, thoughts are what cause all of the anxiety and all of the depression and all of the anger. It's l- not having control of my thoughts. It's letting my thoughts control me. And as soon as I learned meditation-

   4. JRJoe Rogan14:19

      Hmm.

   5. NGNikki Glaser14:19

      ... and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulge in or bat away-

   6. JRJoe Rogan14:27

      Right.

   7. NGNikki Glaser14:27

      ... then I was able to really gain h- like, a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before. When I thought my thoughts were just like, "Oh, I'm thinking this thought. It's true. It's me. I created it. Let me keep going with it."

   8. JRJoe Rogan14:40

      Yeah.

   9. NGNikki Glaser14:40

      Do you, do you feel like wha- how do you...

   10. JRJoe Rogan14:44

       (coughs) .

   11. NGNikki Glaser14:44

       Don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also?

   12. JRJoe Rogan14:46

       Uh, for sure, for sure. But it's not, it's not like anger, like, I'm just randomly angry walking around things.

   13. NGNikki Glaser14:51

       Right.

   14. JRJoe Rogan14:51

       I just have my physical requirements.

   15. NGNikki Glaser14:54

       Yes.

   16. JRJoe Rogan14:54

       But your mi- Do you want some, uh, fake beer?

   17. NGNikki Glaser14:56

       (laughs) So-

   18. JRJoe Rogan14:57

       Heineken Zero?

   19. NGNikki Glaser14:58

       I can't beli- Yeah, I mean-

   20. JRJoe Rogan14:59

       You want some?

   21. NGNikki Glaser14:59

       ... I don't drink and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:02

       It's a fake beer. It's n- zero alcohol.

   23. NGNikki Glaser15:04

       But like, I don't miss the taste of alcohol.

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:06

       But it's not, it tastes good. Oh. Well, that-

   25. NGNikki Glaser15:07

       What, no, who, who misses the t- No one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up.

   26. JRJoe Rogan15:12

       I would drink these. They taste good.

   27. NGNikki Glaser15:14

       (coughs) Really?

   28. JRJoe Rogan15:17

       Yeah, I love it.

   29. NGNikki Glaser15:17

       This tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is a great taste.

   30. JRJoe Rogan15:21

       (laughs)
7. 15:28 – 23:50

   Quitting alcohol with Allen Carr: hangovers, blackout logic, and cravings

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:28

      When was the last time you drank?

   2. NGNikki Glaser15:31

      2011, December 9th.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:32

      Whoa.

   4. NGNikki Glaser15:33

      Cleveland Hilarities.

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:35

      Whoa.

   6. NGNikki Glaser15:35

      After the show.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:36

      You were like, "I'm done."

   8. NGNikki Glaser15:37

      I, well, I just had a couple beers to close out the evening. Um, was by myself, just gonna go-

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:42

      Next thing you know, you're shooting heroin.

   10. NGNikki Glaser15:44

       I don't know what happened. I w- I, well, I was at a point in my life where it was like, "This has gotta stop." Because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day, and I was just doing, uh, you know. I would black out from, like, two drinks because my mind... John Mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple of drinks 'cause his mind was like, "We know where this is going. Shutting down early." Like-

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:08

       (laughs)

   12. NGNikki Glaser16:08

       ... if you know it's gonna, you're gonna black out, your brain just blacks out earlier.

   13. JRJoe Rogan16:12

       Right.

   14. NGNikki Glaser16:12

       'Cause every time I drank, I would black out. So-

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:15

       Wow.

   16. NGNikki Glaser16:16

       Um, I just, I woke up that morn- that next morning and I had only had a c- it wasn't a hard night of drinking, a couple beers, but I was just the sickest I've ever been. And the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was, like, the best part about being sick, if you're gonna find the best part about being sick, it's that people feel sorry for you. You get babied a little bit. You get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy. But when you're hungover, no one gives you that. So you're sick and you don't even get the only good thing about being sick, which is people feeling sorry for you. Everyone's like, "You piece of shit, you did this to yourself."

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:47

       (laughs)

   18. NGNikki Glaser16:47

       So I was like, in the shower in a, in the fetal position thinking, "Uh, this is how I should feel if I'm dying. Like, I really don't wanna feel this bad unless I am on my way out. So I'm not doing this anymore." And I read a book and then I was done.

   19. JRJoe Rogan17:02

       What was the book?

   20. NGNikki Glaser17:03

       The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr.

   21. JRJoe Rogan17:05

       What's The Easy Way?

   22. NGNikki Glaser17:06

       Easy way is you read this book-

   23. JRJoe Rogan17:09

       (laughs)

   24. NGNikki Glaser17:09

       ... and then you're done at the end of it.

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:11

       Why?

   26. NGNikki Glaser17:11

       And what he does, well, I used his method to stop smoking. The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. So many people have read it. It's the one book that when you've tried everything else, nothing else works, this book. My mom quit smoking after 35 plus years.

   27. JRJoe Rogan17:25

       Really?

   28. NGNikki Glaser17:26

       So many of my friends. I heard about it, uh, I think, like, Ellen DeGeneres and Ashton Kutcher. I heard a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it. I read the book, and you can smoke while you read it, and then by the end of the book-

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:37

       (laughs)

   30. NGNikki Glaser17:38

       ... he just promises you, he goes, "Go, have a cigarette." And you're just like, "No, I don't want to and I don't need to."
8. 23:50 – 27:35

   Words, intent, and platform punishment: what gets you demonetized

   1. JRJoe Rogan23:50

      By the way, that word will get us demonetized from YouTube, according to Jaime. Isn't that what you said? Isn't that what they say? That's what I've heard.

   2. NGNikki Glaser23:55

      Really?

   3. JRJoe Rogan23:55

      What'd they say about Sober October? Yeah. Uh, someone said the word, and that's the reason it was-

   4. NGNikki Glaser23:59

      C-word?

   5. JRJoe Rogan24:00

      Yeah. They said the word two and a half hours into the podcast- Yeah. ... so the entire podcast was demonetized. Yeah.

   6. NGNikki Glaser24:04

      What?

   7. JRJoe Rogan24:04

      Yeah. We should go back and beep it, see if they change it. I could, I could. Go back and put a, put a (imitates buzzer) . I think I could. (laughs)

   8. NGNikki Glaser24:11

      Cunt is such a, I love that word.

   9. JRJoe Rogan24:13

      It's a great word.

   10. NGNikki Glaser24:14

       I feel empowered by that word. If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like-

   11. JRJoe Rogan24:18

       Really?

   12. NGNikki Glaser24:18

       Yeah. You know, I-

   13. JRJoe Rogan24:19

       Why?

   14. NGNikki Glaser24:21

       Uh, for the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook, I was like, "Good. A woman's a bad person. I don't even care."

   15. JRJoe Rogan24:27

       You like that?

   16. NGNikki Glaser24:28

       Like, I'm just like, "Yeah, we can do it all."

   17. JRJoe Rogan24:30

       (laughs) Yeah, but there's, there's women that aren't crooks that don't-

   18. NGNikki Glaser24:34

       No, no, no.

   19. JRJoe Rogan24:34

       Don't you think if you're gonna have a woman-

   20. NGNikki Glaser24:36

       And I don't-

   21. JRJoe Rogan24:36

       ... president, let's have one that's not a murderer or a crook.

   22. NGNikki Glaser24:38

       Sure. Yeah, so, yes.

   23. JRJoe Rogan24:38

       It'd be cool if the first one was, like, impeccable.

   24. NGNikki Glaser24:41

       But I'm just saying, when people were saying that argument, I was like, "Good. I don't even fucking care."

   25. JRJoe Rogan24:44

       Wow.

   26. NGNikki Glaser24:44

       I like, I like a strong, uh, just a, a, a woman doing things that men normally do. I love it.

   27. JRJoe Rogan24:50

       You know, that's the same kind of argument that people use for Trump.

   28. NGNikki Glaser24:53

       What do you mean?

   29. JRJoe Rogan24:54

       Well, when they say he's an asshole and he's a thief, who cares? Fuck it. He's a man. Yeah.

   30. NGNikki Glaser24:59

       Yeah.
9. 27:35 – 36:11

   Fame, niceness as a practice, and the comedy world’s obsession with “best”

   1. NGNikki Glaser27:35

      Yes.

   2. JRJoe Rogan27:35

      That helps a lot. And I'm nice.

   3. NGNikki Glaser27:38

      I know. That's what I go back to.

   4. JRJoe Rogan27:39

      I'm a genuinely nice person. I'm nice. I'm always nice. I'm nice to everybody. Even if you don't disagree with me, I'll talk to you. I'm like, I'm, I'm... I work hard on being nice. It means a lot to me. It means a lot for me to have good experiences with people.

   5. NGNikki Glaser27:52

      You are nice. And I p- think people are extremely intimidated by you, as was I, but in the end, really, really nice. What do you mean you have to work hard on it?

   6. JRJoe Rogan28:02

      I work hard on being nice. I mean, I think it's something-

   7. NGNikki Glaser28:04

      Was there a time that you weren't nice in your life?

   8. JRJoe Rogan28:06

      Yeah, when, when I was young. Yeah. I was very mean. Yeah. But that was because I was competing in martial arts all the time. I was involved in violent things.

   9. NGNikki Glaser28:14

      But you should've been... Like you said before, that should've been getting it out of your system, and then you would, would've been plastered on the road.

   10. JRJoe Rogan28:19

       No, I was competing. It was before I was f- doing comedy.

   11. NGNikki Glaser28:22

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan28:22

       I was competing all the time.

   13. NGNikki Glaser28:23

       Mm-hmm.

   14. JRJoe Rogan28:24

       It was my... And also, I wasn't... I was too young to understand, like, what was important and what wasn't important. So, my, my eyes were entirely on success at all costs. I just wanted to dominate. I just wanted to figure out a way to win, always. And so I was just mean. Like, I was, you know, I was en- ... I would enjoy hurting people. And that's what I was doing. When I was knocking people out, I would enjoy it. I'd like it.

   15. NGNikki Glaser28:48

       Don't you-

   16. JRJoe Rogan28:48

       Because they were trying to do it to me.

   17. NGNikki Glaser28:49

       What about comedy? Haven't you approached it the same way?

   18. JRJoe Rogan28:52

       No.

   19. NGNikki Glaser28:53

       You don't care about... I mean, you've, you've achieved everything that one could achieve doing com- ... Like-

   20. JRJoe Rogan29:00

       But what does that have to do with being mean?

   21. NGNikki Glaser29:03

       No, I mean, like, you want... You got off on being the best. You needed to compete. You, you were dr-

   22. JRJoe Rogan29:08

       No. I just try to do my best at comedy.

   23. NGNikki Glaser29:10

       Mm-hmm.

   24. JRJoe Rogan29:11

       I just try to do my best.

   25. NGNikki Glaser29:12

       Yeah, you're not looking-

   26. JRJoe Rogan29:12

       I'm not trying to be n- ... Uh, th- first of all, I think that, like, awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to art is ridiculous.

   27. NGNikki Glaser29:20

       Ugh.

   28. JRJoe Rogan29:21

       Like, the... This is the Emmy award-winning movie. This is the Oscar award-winning this. This is the fucking, the Grammy award-winning song. Like, shut the fuck up.

   29. NGNikki Glaser29:30

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan29:30

       What you're doing is- this is a business, and the business is getting people to see who's number one. And so all these advertisers pay to watch this show or to, to promote on the show, and people watch it. "I wonder who's gonna win Best Album of the Year." Like, it's crazy. There's a million great albums. Every year, how many thousands of albums are out? And how many people subjectively look at those albums and say, "God, this one really moved me. This one spoke to me in a dark time."
10. 36:11 – 41:01

    Standup process, writing habits, and why specials aren’t as good as live

    1. JRJoe Rogan36:11

       By the way, your special is out right now-

    2. NGNikki Glaser36:12

       Right now, Bangin', on Netflix.

    3. JRJoe Rogan36:14

       ... on Netflix. Right now. What's it called?

    4. NGNikki Glaser36:16

       Right now. Bangin'.

    5. JRJoe Rogan36:16

       Bangin'?

    6. NGNikki Glaser36:17

       Yeah.

    7. JRJoe Rogan36:17

       Ooh.

    8. NGNikki Glaser36:18

       Yeah.

    9. JRJoe Rogan36:18

       It's a good name.

    10. NGNikki Glaser36:18

        Yeah. Thank you.

    11. JRJoe Rogan36:19

        I like it.

    12. NGNikki Glaser36:20

        Thanks a lot. And, uh-

    13. JRJoe Rogan36:22

        (laughs)

    14. NGNikki Glaser36:22

        ... I appreciate that. I- I worked really hard on it. I- I wanted to call it Fucking Men because it's about, like, fucking men, but it's also, like, ff- ff- about fucking men.

    15. JRJoe Rogan36:30

        Right.

    16. NGNikki Glaser36:30

        But Netflix was like, "No, that's-"

    17. JRJoe Rogan36:32

        No.

    18. NGNikki Glaser36:32

        "... we want children to watch." I'm like, uh, "Children?"

    19. JRJoe Rogan36:34

        They want children?

    20. NGNikki Glaser36:34

        I mean, they were just like, "It's gonna make it so, like, children w-, not children, but it might be more censored to different demographics of our audience." And I'm like, well, the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be watching it anyway.

    21. JRJoe Rogan36:46

        Right.

    22. NGNikki Glaser36:47

        But whatever. I'm glad. Bangin' works, and also I'm going on tour, I just wanna say I'm going on tour January, uh, for my first theater tour, the Bang It Out tour, and, uh, tickets are on sale now.

    23. JRJoe Rogan36:57

        (laughs)

    24. NGNikki Glaser36:57

        And I really want people to go 'cause it's gonna be all new material.

    25. JRJoe Rogan37:00

        Nice.

    26. NGNikki Glaser37:00

        Anyway, very excited.

    27. JRJoe Rogan37:01

        When did you film?

    28. NGNikki Glaser37:02

        I filmed in May.

    29. JRJoe Rogan37:03

        In May? Oh, that's a good amount of time.

    30. NGNikki Glaser37:05

        Yeah. Yeah. And I filmed another special, the 20-minute special for The Degenerates on Netflix that comes out-
11. 41:01 – 47:37

    Bill Cosby as a case study in celebrity entitlement and hidden crimes

    1. JRJoe Rogan41:01

       We were just talking about this, that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial raper in history.

    2. NGNikki Glaser41:08

       Yes. I mean, I don't know-

    3. JRJoe Rogan41:10

       Which is-

    4. NGNikki Glaser41:10

       ... why I was excited about that.

    5. JRJoe Rogan41:11

       I know, but it's goddamn crazy.

    6. NGNikki Glaser41:13

       It's a crazy thing to think-

    7. JRJoe Rogan41:14

       That Mr. Huxtable ...

    8. NGNikki Glaser41:16

       And, you know, couldn't some of those women possibly have died from ODing?

    9. JRJoe Rogan41:22

       Oh, sure. I mean, it's not like he did a test on them to find out, like-

    10. NGNikki Glaser41:25

        Right.

    11. JRJoe Rogan41:25

        ... what health situations they have.

    12. NGNikki Glaser41:26

        What heart conditions they might have.

    13. JRJoe Rogan41:27

        Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, who knows what he's ... People have adverse reactions to medication all the time.

    14. NGNikki Glaser41:32

        And back then, it w- who knows what that s- what was in that stuff. Uh, uh, some women reported waking up being, they didn't know how many days had passed. They were dehydrated and disor- I mean-

    15. JRJoe Rogan41:43

        Yeah.

    16. NGNikki Glaser41:43

        They woke up near death, you know.

    17. JRJoe Rogan41:45

        Yeah.

    18. NGNikki Glaser41:45

        So I'm guessing he, maybe it was, you know, and-

    19. JRJoe Rogan41:50

        I wish he would tell the truth, you know.

    20. NGNikki Glaser41:52

        He won't. He's not capable of it.

    21. JRJoe Rogan41:53

        I know he never will, but I wish he would tell the truth. Like, I would love if, like, someone ... I mean, he's so old now, it's com- gonna be really hard because I'm sure he thinks about his legacy and he's full of shit. But I, I would love it if he could just say, like, what, what was going through his head when he would drug them. Like, did he think they were beneath him? Like, what was it?

    22. NGNikki Glaser42:13

        He had to have.

    23. JRJoe Rogan42:14

        He had to have. I think it's a, it's a celebrity thing, because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity, uh, situation. Like, he felt above people and privileged. Like, I'll never forget, he was interviewing ... Ron- Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some award show, and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him. And, and he was wearing sunglasses inside, and he just had this arrogance about him. Like, here's Wanda Sykes, who's this hilarious comedian and she's great. He should've been excited to talk to her. But instead, he had this feeling that he was like this royalty and he didn't, you know, he didn't appreciate her language or use of language.

    24. NGNikki Glaser42:53

        Ugh.

    25. JRJoe Rogan42:53

        Come on, he raped like 150 women.

    26. NGNikki Glaser42:55

        Yeah.

    27. JRJoe Rogan42:55

        Like, like what in the fuck? But that, that sort of, "I'm above everyone." You know, I once worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner-And he wanted the entire staff in his dressing room to watch him eat.

    28. NGNikki Glaser43:12

        What?

    29. JRJoe Rogan43:12

        Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the lady was really freaked out by it. She goes, "He would have the entire cr- crew, like everyone, door people-"

    30. NGNikki Glaser43:20

        Ugh.
12. 47:37 – 51:34

    Orgasms, attachment, and why Nikki thinks guys “slow fade” after sex

    1. NGNikki Glaser47:37

       It's called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

    2. JRJoe Rogan47:40

       Ooh.

    3. NGNikki Glaser47:41

       And it's about how orgasms are ruining us, and our relationships and our happiness. And it talks about how... I'm, I'm all for this right now. And it's a wild concept and I've only read three c- three chapters of this book, so just-

    4. JRJoe Rogan47:57

       Okay.

    5. NGNikki Glaser47:57

       ... I don't have all the information. But what I do know is that orgasms are this rush of like blood to whatever.

    6. JRJoe Rogan48:06

       Mm-hmm.

    7. NGNikki Glaser48:06

       Your, your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm. And everything we do in our lives to like have stability and, you know, um, kind of lower anxiety and, and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever. So orgasms are throwing us off constantly and we're not supposed to be having this many of them.

    8. JRJoe Rogan48:26

       (laughs)

    9. NGNikki Glaser48:27

       Men, men should. Um, here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they, they wanna run right after they come. It's in your DNA to get the fuck outta there. Because as a caveman there was n- you can't make something pregnant twice. So once you came, on to the next teepee to fuck the girl's cousin that you just... Like, it wasn't about... You weren't gonna stay and cuddle.

    10. JRJoe Rogan48:55

        Let me tell you something, as a man-

    11. NGNikki Glaser48:55

        So that's why men wanna fucking run.

    12. JRJoe Rogan48:57

        Let me tell you something as a man.

    13. NGNikki Glaser48:58

        Yeah.

    14. JRJoe Rogan48:58

        (clears throat) That's not really true.

    15. NGNikki Glaser49:00

        What?

    16. JRJoe Rogan49:00

        It's only true-

    17. NGNikki Glaser49:01

        Mm-hmm.

    18. JRJoe Rogan49:02

        ... if you don't actually like the person. If you're only attracted them and horny. If you're only attracted to them and horny but you don't like them as a person, yeah, once you come you're like, "Oh my God, I gotta get out of here." But if you like them as a person-... once you come, you're like, "That was great." (coughs) Then you just wanna hang out.

    19. NGNikki Glaser49:19

        Mm.

    20. JRJoe Rogan49:20

        Trust me. I am actually a man.

    21. NGNikki Glaser49:22

        I t- I do trust you, but I also think that there, ih, you would wanna hang out even more if you didn't come.

    22. JRJoe Rogan49:28

        That's not true.

    23. NGNikki Glaser49:29

        Really?

    24. JRJoe Rogan49:30

        Yes.

    25. NGNikki Glaser49:31

        Here's my thing, though. I've had a lot of instances, this book spoke to me because I cannot trace what happens-

    26. JRJoe Rogan49:40

        (clears throat)

    27. NGNikki Glaser49:40

        ... between a guy liking me and not, and slow fading me, then to an orgasm.

    28. JRJoe Rogan49:46

        You are an intense person.

    29. NGNikki Glaser49:48

        Okay.

    30. JRJoe Rogan49:48

        And you're very smart. And you're also very ambitious. And, uh, without any, um, derogatory intent, saying this at all, you're a lot of work.
13. 51:34 – 1:10:02

    Instagram stories as love signals, Ambien amnesia, and sleep as survival

    1. JRJoe Rogan51:34

       Okay, you can't ask someone to watch your Instagram stories.

    2. NGNikki Glaser51:36

       No, I'm not, I'm not actually asking that. But it's like-

    3. JRJoe Rogan51:38

       Right.

    4. NGNikki Glaser51:38

       ... that's an indication if someone likes you.

    5. JRJoe Rogan51:40

       Why?

    6. NGNikki Glaser51:41

       Because, I mean, it's just, it just m- means that they're checking-

    7. JRJoe Rogan51:44

       I don't watch any of my friends.

    8. NGNikki Glaser51:45

       Because-

    9. JRJoe Rogan51:45

       The people that I love dearly, I don't watch any of their fucking Instagram stories.

    10. NGNikki Glaser51:49

        No, e- because you're not, you're not dating in, on Instagram. So like-

    11. JRJoe Rogan51:52

        But even if I was?

    12. NGNikki Glaser51:53

        You would. I-

    13. JRJoe Rogan51:54

        No, I wouldn't.

    14. NGNikki Glaser51:55

        Uh, Joe.

    15. JRJoe Rogan51:55

        Trust me.

    16. NGNikki Glaser51:56

        Okay. Well-

    17. JRJoe Rogan51:56

        I wouldn't.

    18. NGNikki Glaser51:57

        Maybe you're too busy, but here's, here's my-

    19. JRJoe Rogan51:59

        (laughs)

    20. NGNikki Glaser52:00

        But y- if you like ... That's how you show you like someone now in Instagram.

    21. JRJoe Rogan52:04

        No, you call them up.

    22. NGNikki Glaser52:05

        Okay, I would love-

    23. JRJoe Rogan52:06

        You call people.

    24. NGNikki Glaser52:06

        Yeah.

    25. JRJoe Rogan52:07

        You hang out with them, you're nice to them when you see them. I don't wanna watch you fucking eat cake-

    26. NGNikki Glaser52:11

        (laughs)

    27. JRJoe Rogan52:11

        ... on Instagram, uh, uh, and watch your fucking boomerangs with a fork full of cake.

    28. NGNikki Glaser52:16

        (laughs) Yeah, you're right.

    29. JRJoe Rogan52:18

        I'm so not interested in that. I'm busy.

    30. NGNikki Glaser52:20

        Yeah.

Episode duration: 2:39:53