Joe Rogan Experience #1360 - Nikki Glaser

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   That's it. We're moving.…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:05

      That's it. We're moving.

   2. NGNikki Glaser0:06

      (laughs) We're doing it.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:07

      We're in mo- we're in motion.

   4. NGNikki Glaser0:08

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:08

      Nikki Glaser, AKA Marshall's new best friend.

   6. NGNikki Glaser0:11

      Oh, that's so nice to hear.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      Yeah, you're definitely his new best friend.

   8. NGNikki Glaser0:14

      Really?

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      No, for sure. Didn't you see?

   10. NGNikki Glaser0:16

       But I feel like he likes everyone.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:17

       He does like everyone.

   12. NGNikki Glaser0:18

       Okay.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:18

       But he likes you.

   14. NGNikki Glaser0:19

       Right now.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:20

       For sure he likes you.

   16. NGNikki Glaser0:21

       Yes.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:21

       Did you see, he jumped all over you?

   18. NGNikki Glaser0:22

       It was so awesome. I love him. I needed it so bad.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:25

       He is a rare dog.

   20. NGNikki Glaser0:26

       He is.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:27

       It's weird, right?

   22. NGNikki Glaser0:28

       It... Instantly, like he looked... I told you when y- he came in, you... I didn't... Hadn't even seen you yet, and he just saw me, and it's like we met acr- our eyes met across the room, and he just like bounded towards me. It felt so good.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:40

       He runs to you like you're his best friend.

   24. NGNikki Glaser0:41

       Yeah, like he's like, "I'm seeing you again."

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       And he hasn't seen you-

   26. NGNikki Glaser0:44

       Yes.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       ... in forever. Oh my God. (laughs)

   28. NGNikki Glaser0:44

       Like I just got back from war, and he's my child. Licking my fa- Just so excited. Ugh.

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:50

       Yeah, he starts whimpering, like "Oh."

   30. NGNikki Glaser0:51

       It was so good.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   It's a fake beer.…

   1. NGNikki Glaser15:00

      and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer.

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:02

      It's a fake beer. It's n- zero alcohol.

   3. NGNikki Glaser15:04

      But like, I don't miss the taste of alcohol.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:06

      But it's not, it tastes good. Oh. Well, that-

   5. NGNikki Glaser15:07

      What, no, who, who misses the t- No one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up.

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:12

      I would drink these. They taste good.

   7. NGNikki Glaser15:14

      (coughs) Really?

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:17

      Yeah, I love it.

   9. NGNikki Glaser15:17

      This tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone, which is a great taste.

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:21

       (laughs)

   11. NANarrator15:22

       (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:22

       (laughs)

   13. NGNikki Glaser15:22

       It does. It tastes like the St. Louis Funny Bone 2009.

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:27

       (sighs)

   15. NGNikki Glaser15:27

       Living my best life.

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:28

       When was the last time you drank?

   17. NGNikki Glaser15:31

       2011, December 9th.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:32

       Whoa.

   19. NGNikki Glaser15:33

       Cleveland Hilarities.

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:35

       Whoa.

   21. NGNikki Glaser15:35

       After the show.

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:36

       You were like, "I'm done."

   23. NGNikki Glaser15:37

       I, well, I just had a couple beers to close out the evening. Um, was by myself, just gonna go-

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:42

       Next thing you know, you're shooting heroin.

   25. NGNikki Glaser15:44

       I don't know what happened. I w- I, well, I was at a point in my life where it was like, "This has gotta stop." Because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day, and I was just doing, uh, you know. I would black out from, like, two drinks because my mind... John Mulaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple of drinks 'cause his mind was like, "We know where this is going. Shutting down early." Like-

   26. JRJoe Rogan16:08

       (laughs)

   27. NGNikki Glaser16:08

       ... if you know it's gonna, you're gonna black out, your brain just blacks out earlier.

   28. JRJoe Rogan16:12

       Right.

   29. NGNikki Glaser16:12

       'Cause every time I drank, I would black out. So-

   30. JRJoe Rogan16:15

       Wow.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   You're right. I mean,…

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      of my husband or my wife and..." This is, you know, the, the idea that one is better than the other, it's like, it's so subjective. It's crazy.

   2. NGNikki Glaser30:07

      You're right. I mean, Lizzo's album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year.

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:13

      Mm.

   4. NGNikki Glaser30:13

      So you're absolutely right.

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:14

      Yeah, I didn't even know who she was until I saw her dancing around on some award show.

   6. NGNikki Glaser30:18

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:19

      And I'm like, "That lady."

   8. NGNikki Glaser30:20

      The one where she busted out the flute, like, out of her vagina?

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:23

      That lady is lit.

   10. NGNikki Glaser30:23

       Where... Amazing.

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:24

       She's lit.

   12. NGNikki Glaser30:25

       I didn't wanna li-

   13. JRJoe Rogan30:26

       She's crazy.

   14. NGNikki Glaser30:26

       I didn't want to like it. I-

   15. JRJoe Rogan30:27

       Fucking, so much power.

   16. NGNikki Glaser30:28

       So much power.

   17. JRJoe Rogan30:29

       Yeah. She's got so much energy.

   18. NGNikki Glaser30:31

       Sexy, t- ... Like, I was just, like, turned on by the whole thing. I really-

   19. JRJoe Rogan30:35

       Did you? You got turned on?

   20. NGNikki Glaser30:36

       I just get...

   21. JRJoe Rogan30:37

       Like, if she grabbed you by the back of your hair and just stuffed you in there, you'd be all good?

   22. NANarrator30:40

       (laughs)

   23. NGNikki Glaser30:41

       Stuffed y- me down in her vagina?

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:43

       Yeah, yeah, yeah.

   25. NGNikki Glaser30:43

       Kind of. I mean, like-

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:45

       (laughs)

   27. NGNikki Glaser30:46

       ... Lizzo, I would go down on Lizzo.

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:47

       Would you?

   29. NGNikki Glaser30:48

       100%, and I've never gone down on a girl, although it is-

   30. JRJoe Rogan30:51

       Really?
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   A lot of difficult…

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      A lot of difficult things.

   2. NGNikki Glaser45:01

      That's why sometimes I get violently high before I go on stage.

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:04

      Do you?

   4. NGNikki Glaser45:04

      As a new challenge.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:05

      Really?

   6. NGNikki Glaser45:06

      'Cause I'll be up there like, "What the fuck are you saying? What are you doing?" Like-

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:09

      Violently high?

   8. NGNikki Glaser45:10

      I j- Like, you know, to the point where it's like th- I shouldn't be d- doing standup.

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:13

      Mm-hmm.

   10. NGNikki Glaser45:14

       But it gives me a new challenge because standup doesn't even raise my heart rate anymore.

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:19

       But don't you think that getting really high when you go on stage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes?

   12. NGNikki Glaser45:23

       Yes.

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:23

       And those come in... They become new bits.

   14. NGNikki Glaser45:25

       Yes.

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:25

       Yeah.

   16. NGNikki Glaser45:25

       All the time.

   17. JRJoe Rogan45:26

       Well, a lot of people that don't drink will listen to you go, "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute."

   18. NGNikki Glaser45:30

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan45:30

       "You're not sober, so you get high?"

   20. NGNikki Glaser45:33

       Mm-hmm.

   21. JRJoe Rogan45:33

       "What the fuck is that?"

   22. NGNikki Glaser45:35

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan45:35

       "Oh, you just substituted one addiction for another."

   24. NGNikki Glaser45:37

       And I'll tell you, yes I did.

   25. JRJoe Rogan45:39

       (laughs)

   26. NGNikki Glaser45:39

       Yes, I did. Because I can't... I gotta have something. I was, I was totally sober for several years and it felt great and I had the stamp of approval from the sober community. And, and, um, I don't say I'm sober. I just say I don't drink. I'm very like... Those words are important to me because people feel so betrayed when they're like, "But you smoke weed?" Um.

   27. JRJoe Rogan46:00

       (gasps) .

   28. NGNikki Glaser46:00

       I do it because it makes me happy.

   29. JRJoe Rogan46:02

       Uh-huh.

   30. NGNikki Glaser46:03

       And-
5. 1:00:00 – 1:04:35

   Really? …

   1. NGNikki Glaser1:00:00

      men.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      Really?

   3. NGNikki Glaser1:00:01

      Don't take the power away from them. They're turned on by that. They want to earn our love and our bodies. They wanna earn it. Don't just give it to them.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:10

      Jesus, it sounds like such a generalization.

   5. NGNikki Glaser1:00:11

      It, it is, but it's based in a lot of science. The book Getting to I Do. I really-

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:16

      Science?

   7. NGNikki Glaser1:00:16

      Yeah, this, this doctor wrote this book, and the title is fucking terrible.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:19

      Well, wai- wait a minute. How could you have science in regards to emotional connections in a relationship? Where, where, where is there science?

   9. NGNikki Glaser1:00:26

      Um, I forget. But-

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:28

       (laughs)

   11. NGNikki Glaser1:00:28

       ... I'm just gonna be honest with you. I don't know how, but it real-

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:30

       I mean, there's evolutionary biology-

   13. NGNikki Glaser1:00:31

       Mm-hmm.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:31

       ... that, that establishes certain roles, and there's a reason for certain roles and why people pursue certain things. And there's studies that have done that. But it, there, the problem is th- these generalizations, and they apply to one ... Like, if a girl's really hot and she's chasing a guy, guys are into it. Like, we don't ... It's not like-

   15. NGNikki Glaser1:00:50

       Maybe at first, but then they end up resenting it.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:53

       Oh, I don't believe that.

   17. NGNikki Glaser1:00:54

       I do.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:55

       Yeah, but I'm a man.

   19. NGNikki Glaser1:00:56

       But I'm a woman.

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:00:57

       You gotta trust me. I-

   21. NGNikki Glaser1:00:57

       You gotta trust what I've, what I've ... I'm a, I'm a hot lady that's gone after-

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:01:01

       I don't, I don't know if that's-

   23. NGNikki Glaser1:01:01

       ... some guys that don't deserve me.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:01:02

       I don't-

   25. NGNikki Glaser1:01:02

       (blows raspberry)

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:04

       I don't know if that's what it is. I don't know if that's what it is. I think you're intense. And I think that's what scares guys off.

   27. NGNikki Glaser1:01:11

       (laughs) Oh, shit.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:11

       I think that's what it is.

   29. NGNikki Glaser1:01:13

       Okay.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:14

       But it's not that you would scare every guy off.

Episode duration: 2:39:53