Joe Rogan Experience #1376 - Artie Lange

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   ... network. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      ... network.

   2. ALArtie Lange0:00

      (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:02

      Are the timers on? All right, we're, we're rolling. Uh, first of all, before we get started, I wanna say thank you to Luis J. Gomez for hooking this up. Le- shout out to the Legion of Skanks. Without them, we would be nothing.

   4. ALArtie Lange0:12

      Yes.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      We're here. (laughs)

   6. ALArtie Lange0:13

      Absolutely.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      What's up, buddy? Good to see you, man.

   8. ALArtie Lange0:15

      (laughs) What's up, Joe Rogan?

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:16

      My brother, what's happening?

   10. ALArtie Lange0:18

       (laughs) Hey, I'm alive.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:19

       You're ali- look, man, I've been following this whole ... Everybody's been following you, and like-

   12. ALArtie Lange0:23

       Yeah, but tha- first of all, thanks for being so nice. You're very supportive, Joe.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:27

       My pleasure.

   14. ALArtie Lange0:27

       I mean, that means a lot to me. Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       I'm happy to see you hea- healthy and happy.

   16. ALArtie Lange0:30

       Yeah, thank you.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:31

       I mean, you, you look good. Your face looks good.

   18. ALArtie Lange0:32

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       You look thin.

   20. ALArtie Lange0:34

       (laughs)

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:34

       You know, you look, you look healthy. You look like you're, you're vibrant, you know?

   22. ALArtie Lange0:37

       Yeah. No, I, I, I'm present.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       Yes.

   24. ALArtie Lange0:39

       I talked to Dave Attell and, uh, Dave Attell came to visit me in rehab and he said, uh, "Y- you're present. You don't wanna leave every five seconds."

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       Yes.

   26. ALArtie Lange0:46

       Which is what cocaine does to you.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:47

       Right.

   28. ALArtie Lange0:48

       (laughs) You know? So, uh, no, I feel good. I feel good. I mean, i- it's, I got nine months clean. Two-

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:54

       That's amazing.

   30. ALArtie Lange0:54

       Yeah.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. ALArtie Lange15:00

      Hoboken it's nothing but young people jogging, pilates, yoga-

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:05

      Yeah.

   3. ALArtie Lange15:05

      You know.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:06

      Get in it.

   5. ALArtie Lange15:07

      Yeah.

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:08

      Huh?

   7. ALArtie Lange15:08

      I'd love to.

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:09

      (laughs)

   9. ALArtie Lange15:09

      I- I'd be, you know, I'd... I- I- I-

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:11

       It's something to get addicted to.

   11. ALArtie Lange15:12

       Yes.

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:12

       You can get addicted. I'm- I'm for sure addicted to exercise.

   13. ALArtie Lange15:15

       Oh, I know that.

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:16

       It can- it can help you.

   15. ALArtie Lange15:16

       I've known that about you for a long time.

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:18

       But it can help you.

   17. ALArtie Lange15:19

       Yeah.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:19

       Yeah.

   19. ALArtie Lange15:19

       Yeah. Well, uh, it... That- that... Getting something like that in my life would be the ultimate turnaround.

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:27

       Yes.

   21. ALArtie Lange15:27

       Yeah. 'Cause I love sports. I'm a- I'm- I'm a good athlete. I was an All-State baseball player and I, uh, I could shoot hoops. I was playing a lot of basketball in jail. (laughs)

   22. JRJoe Rogan15:37

       Were you?

   23. ALArtie Lange15:38

       Yeah. I was running full courts, man. I- I got an outside shot like crazy.

   24. JRJoe Rogan15:42

       (laughs)

   25. ALArtie Lange15:42

       Uh, and, uh... But I'm the kind of guy, I have hand-eye coordination. I could gain weight playing basketball. I don't even move, I just shoot the ball.

   26. JRJoe Rogan15:49

       Right.

   27. ALArtie Lange15:50

       The running thing is something I, you know... I gotta go... Releasing endorphins.

   28. JRJoe Rogan15:54

       Yes.

   29. ALArtie Lange15:54

       What you just said... See, that's a very insightful question because the whole- the whole thing is substituting the high-

   30. JRJoe Rogan16:02

       Yeah.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:01

      Timing. (laughs)

   2. ALArtie Lange30:02

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:02

      (laughs)

   4. ALArtie Lange30:03

      My comedic timing was better-

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:04

      Ugh.

   6. ALArtie Lange30:04

      ... on methadone. So, so, so now I'm doing that for a while and I'm in, uh, but at that point I had no legal issue so what the fuck am I even trying this for?

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:11

      Right.

   8. ALArtie Lange30:11

      You know, and Suboxone, look, Suboxone helped save me, it helped me get off it, but eventually you gotta get off that too, and you kick-

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:17

      How hard is that? Is it hard to get off it?

   10. ALArtie Lange30:19

       Uh, okay. There's something called fentanyl out there now.

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:22

       Yes.

   12. ALArtie Lange30:22

       Okay. Which is elephant tranquilizer. It's synthetic, it's like spice, like synthetic weed. Uh, okay, all these kids in jail, by the way these young kids they smoke this K2 shit, they, and they could, uh, they, they stop while they're talking to you. Like a kid'll be talking to you in jail, like that jail jumpsuit, and it'll just be like he stops, he looks like he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they spray these chemicals on the weed and s- it does something to them. They start dancing like Julie Andrews, right? On-

   13. JRJoe Rogan30:49

       (laughs)

   14. ALArtie Lange30:49

       All these Bloods and Crips are dancing to The Sound of Music. (laughs)

   15. JRJoe Rogan30:55

       (laughs)

   16. ALArtie Lange30:55

       Like, ah ya da, The Hills Are Alive-

   17. JRJoe Rogan30:57

       (laughs)

   18. ALArtie Lange30:57

       ... and, um, uh, it's really, it's weird. So Fentanyl is like the heroin version of that. It's synthetic heroin.

   19. JRJoe Rogan31:04

       Yeah.

   20. ALArtie Lange31:05

       Uh-

   21. JRJoe Rogan31:05

       Much stronger.

   22. ALArtie Lange31:06

       ... uh, people are dying from touching it.

   23. JRJoe Rogan31:08

       Yeah.

   24. ALArtie Lange31:08

       Like they touch it, it gets in your system.

   25. JRJoe Rogan31:09

       Cops are dying, or cops are getting overdosed from-

   26. ALArtie Lange31:11

       And these guys seize it at the border.

   27. JRJoe Rogan31:12

       ... handling people that are sweating.

   28. ALArtie Lange31:13

       It, right, it comes from China. There's always conspiracy theories about China trying to kill us, and who knows, maybe, it's weeding out a lot of junkies. I was in a, uh, rehab, which I gotta give a shout-out to this place Turning Point in, uh, Paterson is where I really got clean. I was there for three months. I did a month in jail, and then I did three months at Turning Point. Uh, great place. They really helped me out a lot. My counselor Sarah, shout-out to her, but she, uh, you know, I got clean there, but it was in Paterson in the hood and the gangs would fight each other to get the corner right across from the, the rehab-

   29. JRJoe Rogan31:44

       Oh Jesus.

   30. ALArtie Lange31:45

       ... because-
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Right. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      living that life.

   2. ALArtie Lange45:01

      Right.

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:01

      Like Bukowski or Hunter Thompson.

   4. ALArtie Lange45:02

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:03

      Anyone who's out there living that life there's like-

   6. ALArtie Lange45:05

      It's romantic.

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:06

      Yes. Yes. Yes.

   8. ALArtie Lange45:07

      It's romantic. The, the, you, you're not living like the average shlub.

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:11

      No. It's dangerous.

   10. ALArtie Lange45:11

       Like Ray Liotta says it in Goodfellas.

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:13

       Yes.

   12. ALArtie Lange45:13

       Like, you know, "We, we, we were rock stars."

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:15

       Yeah. Yeah.

   14. ALArtie Lange45:15

       You know, all these guys who had to wake up and go to a 9:00 to 5:00 job, we don't know that life, you know.

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:20

       Right.

   16. ALArtie Lange45:21

       Uh, and, uh, and I s-... Dude, I saw the other side. When I was at this halfway house, um, uh, with all these crazy motherfuckers, I had to get a job as part of the program. So I pumped gas and I, I, I worked at, on the back of a garbage truck for a while, throwing garbage. And I pumped gas as a kid. And, you know, you know the money we make for being on stage? I'm going for, you know, from that money. (laughs)

   17. JRJoe Rogan45:42

       Mm-hmm.

   18. ALArtie Lange45:42

       I made... I pumped gas 40 hours one week, I got a check for $280. (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan45:47

       Jeez.

   20. ALArtie Lange45:47

       You know, so that's what... That's life, man.

   21. JRJoe Rogan45:49

       Yeah. That's real life.

   22. ALArtie Lange45:50

       That's real life.

   23. JRJoe Rogan45:51

       Yeah.

   24. ALArtie Lange45:52

       Uh, uh, okay. The story about this kid in the halfway house. I had f-... I had three roommates. One was a carjacker, the other one was an arsonist. Okay? This other kid was a, was a joke. This kid was my bunkmate. He lived on the top bunk, I was on the bottom. He's like 22 years old. He had some form, he had a form of Tourette's. Every 11 seconds, my hand to God, he made this sound, "Hey."

   25. JRJoe Rogan46:12

       (laughs)

   26. ALArtie Lange46:13

       Every 11 seconds.

   27. JRJoe Rogan46:14

       (laughs)

   28. ALArtie Lange46:14

       Okay. He went, "Hey," uh, all night.

   29. JRJoe Rogan46:17

       Oh, Jesus.

   30. ALArtie Lange46:17

       All right. To get to sleep, he watched porn on his, on his phone. So he loved this specific kind of porn and he would keep showing it to me. He's jerking off on the top bunk and I gotta go pump gas the next day. I'm like, "My life is fucking over." And, uh, he, he, he loved watching these really fat Black chicks get fucked by small white guys. That's what he liked.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:04:34

   A- absolutely. There's a…

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      way to live.

   2. ALArtie Lange1:00:00

      A- absolutely. There's a lot of wealthy people I've met through this business who are just angry motherfuckers.

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      They, they're, they're broken-

   4. ALArtie Lange1:00:06

      And, and-

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:06

      ... and they don't have anyone to call on. There's no one, no one loves them, no one hugs them when they sees, they see them.

   6. ALArtie Lange1:00:11

      Absolutely, yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      Nobody gets excited.

   8. ALArtie Lange1:00:12

      You need that.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:13

      But this business i- is particular, I think, during the, the TV era, which I think is kinda gone. I think now we're in the internet era.

   10. ALArtie Lange1:00:19

       Oh, absolutely, yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:20

       The internet era-

   12. ALArtie Lange1:00:21

       Yeah.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

       ... is what's happening. But the internet era is a much more generous era because it actually helps everybody to have all these shows and no one's competing against each other in a sense because, you know-

   14. ALArtie Lange1:00:30

       Right.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:00:30

       ... it used to be, like, there was one host of The Tonight Show-

   16. ALArtie Lange1:00:32

       Absolutely.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:00:32

       ... and everybody stabbed everybody to get that fucking job.

   18. ALArtie Lange1:00:34

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:00:35

       And there was those Late Night War, the movie, with Letterman and Jay Leno.

   20. ALArtie Lange1:00:37

       And, yeah, and the stories about Carson now, Ruthless, he has with Joan Rivers, if he tried to go up and out. Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:00:41

       Ruthless, yes. I mean, that's how everybody was.

   22. ALArtie Lange1:00:42

       But why be that way, like, you know?

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:00:43

       I think back then it was a famine mentality because there was such a few, there was a few slots and there was hundreds of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with knives.

   24. ALArtie Lange1:00:51

       That was the... No, look, again, see, you though as a good person with character, that's your attitude, which is great. Y- you live that lifestyle. Like, in other words, what we're saying is important, like, th- this is the biggest podcast going. If you were hosting The Tonight Show... And look, I've been on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a million times. I kill every time. But-... to have me on a mainstream, and I love Jimmy but, to have me on a mainstream show talking like this, there's consequences to that, corporate wise.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:01:18

       Yes. They can't do it.

   26. ALArtie Lange1:01:19

       E- e- they would fight you to have me on.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:01:21

       Yes.

   28. ALArtie Lange1:01:21

       So you're in a b- y- you're in a situation where me and you are two guys who've known each other a long time. Who respect each other's work and as people. And I'm a guy, I mean let's face it, I'm- I'm trying to get back on my feet. And you, you come to New York and you let me do this. That's huge. That's something you couldn't do in your network world.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:01:37

       Uh, I came to New York a day early.

   30. ALArtie Lange1:01:38

       (laughs)

Episode duration: 1:34:59