Joe Rogan Experience #1376 - Artie Lange

1. 0:00 – 1:01

   Artie’s return: nine months clean and learning to stay present

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      ... network.

   2. ALArtie Lange0:00

      (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:02

      Are the timers on? All right, we're, we're rolling. Uh, first of all, before we get started, I wanna say thank you to Luis J. Gomez for hooking this up. Le- shout out to the Legion of Skanks. Without them, we would be nothing.

   4. ALArtie Lange0:12

      Yes.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      We're here. (laughs)

   6. ALArtie Lange0:13

      Absolutely.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      What's up, buddy? Good to see you, man.

   8. ALArtie Lange0:15

      (laughs) What's up, Joe Rogan?

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:16

      My brother, what's happening?

   10. ALArtie Lange0:18

       (laughs) Hey, I'm alive.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:19

       You're ali- look, man, I've been following this whole ... Everybody's been following you, and like-

   12. ALArtie Lange0:23

       Yeah, but tha- first of all, thanks for being so nice. You're very supportive, Joe.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:27

       My pleasure.

   14. ALArtie Lange0:27

       I mean, that means a lot to me. Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       I'm happy to see you hea- healthy and happy.

   16. ALArtie Lange0:30

       Yeah, thank you.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:31

       I mean, you, you look good. Your face looks good.

   18. ALArtie Lange0:32

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       You look thin.

   20. ALArtie Lange0:34

       (laughs)

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:34

       You know, you look, you look healthy. You look like you're, you're vibrant, you know?

   22. ALArtie Lange0:37

       Yeah. No, I, I, I'm present.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       Yes.

   24. ALArtie Lange0:39

       I talked to Dave Attell and, uh, Dave Attell came to visit me in rehab and he said, uh, "Y- you're present. You don't wanna leave every five seconds."

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       Yes.

   26. ALArtie Lange0:46

       Which is what cocaine does to you.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:47

       Right.

   28. ALArtie Lange0:48

       (laughs) You know? So, uh, no, I feel good. I feel good. I mean, i- it's, I got nine months clean. Two-

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:54

       That's amazing.

   30. ALArtie Lange0:54

       Yeah.
2. 1:01 – 6:12

   How it started: first high at 11, chaos addiction, and early cocaine

   1. ALArtie Lange1:01

      Well, first of all, i- it, it, my, my drug history is insane. It's, it started when ... The first time I got high, and I tell these young kids 'cause, you know, I'm 52 now, so-

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:11

      Me too.

   3. ALArtie Lange1:11

      ... I, I was in, you know, I was in rehab and jail, o- o- and a halfway house the last ni- eight months and w- with some of the craziest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life. And they all have stories, but once they know my story-

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:27

      (clears throat)

   5. ALArtie Lange1:27

      ... 'cause I had some success in life, basically as a full-blown junkie, they're fascinated by it.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:32

      Right.

   7. ALArtie Lange1:33

      Uh, and, um, the first time I got high was 1979. Okay? Jimmy, Jimmy Carter-

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:38

      Whoa.

   9. ALArtie Lange1:39

      ... was president. (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:40

       Holy shit.

   11. ALArtie Lange1:40

       So when you tell a 22-year-old kid that, they're like blown away that I'm even alive, and I am too. I, I was ... I, I, I hit a home run in Little League. I'll never forget this. And, um, I, uh, uh, uh, uh, my buddy's older brother, we used to call this kid Sick Jack, I don't know what happened to him, but he, uh, he handed me a joint. And I, I, I took a puff o' the, o' the weed and from t- uh, 11 years old I knew I, I, I loved it so much. I just loved being... I loved the feeling of being outta control. You talk to a normal person, they go, "I hate being outta control." I loved it. I loved like, wow. And you have an excuse for it. I was fucked up. (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan2:16

       Yeah, that's the thing, right?

   13. ALArtie Lange2:17

       Yeah. A, an-

   14. JRJoe Rogan2:18

       An excuse for being wild.

   15. ALArtie Lange2:20

       An excuse for just being a screw-up too.

   16. JRJoe Rogan2:22

       Yeah.

   17. ALArtie Lange2:22

       You know?

   18. JRJoe Rogan2:22

       Yeah, yeah.

   19. ALArtie Lange2:23

       And my old man was a lunatic. Uh, he was not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but he was a, a, a, a, a criminal. You know, he was a low level criminal. He came to the streets of Newark and got to like the 10th grade in high school. And he was like, uh, my favorite human being of all time. He was like my older brother, but I saw him do a lot of bad shit. Um, uh, you know, w- w- I saw him fight all the time. Uh, he was a, a boxer when he was young and just, uh, the real street smart guy. And his life was chaos, and I loved the chaos. I was addicted to risk. That's why I'm a gambler too.

   20. JRJoe Rogan2:59

       Mm-hmm.

   21. ALArtie Lange2:59

       So when cocaine came into my life a few years later, I was 16 the first time I did a line of blow, and that was really fun because now you're up all the time. And, and that started basically a 35-year drug run that didn't end till like nine months ago. I mean, I don't know if it's ended, you know, that's the thing. I don't put pressure on myself. I'm like, it's one ... That one day at a time stuff, it sounds so cliche, uh, but I take it one minute at a time. I can't guarantee people I'm never gonna get high again. I just know I'm not gonna get high in the next 10 minutes, and that

   22. JRJoe Rogan3:31

       You don't wanna get high again.

   23. ALArtie Lange3:32

       ... turns into days.

   24. JRJoe Rogan3:33

       Is there, is there a risk of saying that you don't know if you're ever gonna get high again?

   25. ALArtie Lange3:37

       Uh-

   26. JRJoe Rogan3:37

       Like if-

   27. ALArtie Lange3:37

       No. Well, well, the direct opposite is true.

   28. JRJoe Rogan3:40

       Oh.

   29. ALArtie Lange3:40

       That's what they tell you in a program like Narcotics Anonymous. A- and again, I'm not some big program guy and I, I didn't turn into some God guy or anything like that, but, uh, I'm a little more spiritual, I would say. And, you know, it's all stuff ... You know, you used to tell me ... The last time I was on the show, you know, you were telling me to try to

   30. JRJoe Rogan3:53

       (laughs)
3. 6:12 – 9:15

   Arrests, Mad TV money, and a jail-driven year of sobriety

   1. ALArtie Lange6:12

      No, I, I, uh, I, I, I'm gonna... Okay. In the, in the late '90s, I came outta LA County Jail. M- Uh, well, again, the first time I got arrested for... I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 years old. Uh, I, I wrote a bank teller a joke note that said, "I have a gun," and I went to jail, and I got on probation.

   2. JRJoe Rogan6:32

      (laughs)

   3. ALArtie Lange6:33

      I asked this teller for $50,000.

   4. JRJoe Rogan6:35

      Whoa.

   5. ALArtie Lange6:35

      And, uh, and, uh, she started to give me the money, and she put... She, she hit the silent alarm. I was with my girlfriend at the time. I was 17, she was 18. So a SWAT team showed up to our house. We just left, and, uh-

   6. JRJoe Rogan6:48

      So you had the money?

   7. ALArtie Lange6:49

      I, I didn't take the money, but-

   8. JRJoe Rogan6:50

      You didn't?

   9. ALArtie Lange6:51

      ... she started to give me the money. But again, this is my fucked up personality flaw, I, I, I was like, "Wow, I'm gonna get 50 Gs." You know?

   10. JRJoe Rogan6:58

       Right.

   11. ALArtie Lange6:58

       And she started to give it to me. But then something said, "I can't do this." I took the note I gave her, and I crumpled it up, and I said, "I'm just kidding," and I threw it in a garbage can. I get in my girlfriend's car, and she drives away. She goes, "What happened there?" I didn't even tell her. I go, "Ah, no. That's not... It's bullshit."

   12. JRJoe Rogan7:12

       Uh...

   13. ALArtie Lange7:12

       They had her name 'cause she had an account. She's an adult.

   14. JRJoe Rogan7:15

       Oh, Jesus.

   15. ALArtie Lange7:16

       And a SWAT team shows up at her house. So we both get arrested, we're handcuffed, and I go to jail. She... I, I, I, I say p-... And her, and her old man, I think, was connected. He was like a, a mob guy. And, uh, he sat me down, and he goes, "When you rob a bank, you no take my daughter." (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan7:34

       (laughs)

   17. ALArtie Lange7:34

       He didn't have a problem with me robbing the bank.

   18. JRJoe Rogan7:36

       (laughs)

   19. ALArtie Lange7:37

       He had a problem that I took his daughter.

   20. JRJoe Rogan7:38

       That's hilarious.

   21. ALArtie Lange7:39

       He goes, "You don't take women when you rob a bank." He go... And, and I go, "Nah."

   22. JRJoe Rogan7:41

       (laughs)

   23. ALArtie Lange7:41

       I go, "I wasn't trying to rob a bank." He goes, "No." He goes, "I know you. You're a craze. You're cra-" And he was right.

   24. JRJoe Rogan7:47

       Ah.

   25. ALArtie Lange7:47

       Uh, but, but again, I, I just loved the, the, the action.

   26. JRJoe Rogan7:51

       Yeah.

   27. ALArtie Lange7:52

       That, that's why I love gambling. So, um, I go out to LA, I get Mad TV. Now I'm making 10 grand a week.

   28. JRJoe Rogan7:58

       Mm-hmm.

   29. ALArtie Lange7:58

       And I got a bad cocaine problem, and I started gambling. The first Tyson-Holyfield fight, I lost $25,000. I thought Tyson was gonna fucking kill him. And Quincy Jones, who produced Mad TV, got us, uh, ringside seats at the... at the... at the fight. And I lose 25 grand on a fight, another eight grand at the tables. I get blow. Uh, I take it on a plane back to LA at one o'clock in the morning. I take a swing at a cop, and I go to LA County Jail-

   30. JRJoe Rogan8:24

       (laughs)
4. 9:15 – 10:08

   Replacing the rush: why Artie can’t gamble, drink, or “dabble”

   1. JRJoe Rogan9:15

      Now, what are you doing for thrills? Like, do you have to replace-

   2. ALArtie Lange9:18

      (laughs) The Joe Rogan podcast. (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan9:21

      (laughs) Do you have to do something to replace-

   4. ALArtie Lange9:23

      Well, well-

   5. JRJoe Rogan9:23

      ... the feeling of gambling-

   6. ALArtie Lange9:25

      Okay.

   7. JRJoe Rogan9:25

      ... or... 'Cause you're not gambling, right? I would assume.

   8. ALArtie Lange9:27

      That's an excellent question. No, I can't. I can't do anything-

   9. JRJoe Rogan9:29

      Right.

   10. ALArtie Lange9:29

       ... because it escalates.

   11. JRJoe Rogan9:30

       Right, that's what I'm thinking.

   12. ALArtie Lange9:31

       All right? It escalates. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table right now, by tomorrow morning, I'd be running guns to Cuba, like... (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan9:37

       (laughs)

   14. ALArtie Lange9:38

       I'd, I'd, I'd have a human trafficking ring.

   15. JRJoe Rogan9:42

       (laughs)

   16. ALArtie Lange9:42

       Everything... The badness just gets worse and worse-

   17. JRJoe Rogan9:45

       Oh.

   18. ALArtie Lange9:45

       ... 'cause I, I can't have a beer, you know?

   19. JRJoe Rogan9:46

       Right, right.

   20. ALArtie Lange9:48

       And that's hard to... that's hard to admit to yourself too.

   21. JRJoe Rogan9:51

       Right.

   22. ALArtie Lange9:51

       You know? I mean, I can't have one beer. Uh, and it took me a long time to grab that concept. Some people can't. So, uh-

   23. JRJoe Rogan9:56

       Have you had moments where you could have one beer in your life?

   24. ALArtie Lange10:00

       Uh...

   25. JRJoe Rogan10:00

       Like, have you ever gone-

   26. ALArtie Lange10:01

       When I was younger-

   27. JRJoe Rogan10:01

       ... grab a slice of pizza, have a couple beers, and that's it?

   28. ALArtie Lange10:03

       Yeah, watching a game. But the problem is I mix vices. Mm.

   29. JRJoe Rogan10:07

       Yeah.

5. 10:08 – 17:56

   Degenerate gambling stories: the bookie tapes, drunk re-bets, and chaos logic

   1. ALArtie Lange10:08

      I, I, I tell a st... When I wa-... I was a longshoreman at the port in Newark, okay? Uh, for a couple years. I was at the Orange Juice Pier. This happened twice. I had a bookie I used to gamble with. So drinking and coke and gambling does not mix well. That's why they give you free drinks at a casino, because you're, you know, messed up.

   2. JRJoe Rogan10:22

      Yeah.

   3. ALArtie Lange10:24

      So, um, for Monday Night Football, the bookie took bets up till eight o'clock. Kickoff was nine o'clock. So at 5:30, right after I got outta work, I would call the book, and I would say, "Gimme, gimme $1,000 on..." The Giants play the Cowboys. "Gimme 1,000 on the Giants." Then I start drinking. 7:30 comes around. I forget I made the bet. Two separate times, I bet on the other team-

   4. JRJoe Rogan10:47

      (laughs)

   5. ALArtie Lange10:48

      ... at 7:30. At 7:30, I called th- the book, and I said, "Gimme the Cowboys." So all I could do was lose the vig. (laughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan10:54

      Oh, Jesus Christ.

   7. ALArtie Lange10:54

      All I could do was lose. So this happened twice. So the bookie... Bookies tape all your calls, and they destroy the tape at the end, before, 'cause the cops get it. But what, what they do is they have the calls on tape in case you have a... like you have a, a dispute.

   8. JRJoe Rogan11:10

      Right.

   9. ALArtie Lange11:10

      Like, "I didn't bet that." He goes, "No, I got you on tape doing it." So I said to the bookie, "Why did you let me do that?" He goes, "'Cause you gotta learn a life lesson." I go, "Thanks, Mr. Bookie for-"

   10. JRJoe Rogan11:18

       Oh, geez. (laughs)

   11. ALArtie Lange11:18

       "... for giving me a life lesson."

   12. JRJoe Rogan11:20

       (laughs)

   13. ALArtie Lange11:20

       You know, I'm trying to win money. And he goes, "I gotta tape you at 5:30 making a bet." So at 5:30, I'm like all articulate. I go, "Yeah, gimme the Giants laying seven, uh, over the Cowboys. Gimme the under/over 41. Gimme a dime," which is $1,000. He goes, "Here's you at 7:30." "'Gimme the fucking Cowboys! Ah!" (laughs)

   14. JRJoe Rogan11:40

       (laughs)

   15. ALArtie Lange11:40

       "I want the Cowboys in the under par laying!"

   16. JRJoe Rogan11:43

       (laughs)

   17. ALArtie Lange11:43

       And you hear him trying to go, "You just bet the Giants..." "Fuck you! No, I didn't!"

   18. JRJoe Rogan11:48

       (laughs)

   19. ALArtie Lange11:48

       And I was... I put some chick on the phone. (laughs) "Give me the Cowboys! I'm a Cowboy!"... a guy I met who was a Cowboy fan talked me into, you know-

   20. JRJoe Rogan11:55

       Ah. (laughs)

   21. ALArtie Lange11:57

       Uh...

   22. NANarrator11:57

       (laughs)

   23. ALArtie Lange11:57

       And so he's... A bookie is trying to give me life coaching tips.

   24. JRJoe Rogan12:00

       Oh my God.

   25. ALArtie Lange12:01

       Uh, so- so what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February at a sports bar, then I realize Virginia Tech is playing, uh, in a college basketball game, I bet Virginia Tech, then I have two beers, then I got Coke, then it's over.

   26. JRJoe Rogan12:14

       (sighs)

   27. ALArtie Lange12:14

       So your question is a great question, what do I do for thrills?

   28. JRJoe Rogan12:18

       Yeah, what are you replacing it with?

   29. ALArtie Lange12:20

       That's- that's where this business, which has taken me back now I think 11 times. (laughs) This is my 11th comeback. Um, I have fans that I got that, you know, through Mad TV and The Stern Show of course, that are so loyal, stand-up, stand-up. This- this business.

   30. JRJoe Rogan12:35

       Yes.
6. 17:56 – 20:07

   Drug court realities: harsh supervision, public consequences, and urine tests

   1. ALArtie Lange17:56

      Then what happened is I got- I got legal consequences like I've never had before.... yeah.

   2. JRJoe Rogan18:01

      So your situation now, like, uh, you can't... Uh, if you test positive at all for anything, you're fucked.

   3. ALArtie Lange18:07

      I could go to jail.

   4. JRJoe Rogan18:08

      Like even if, like, I smoked a joint in this room with you.

   5. ALArtie Lange18:10

      If, if it, if it came up, uh, I mean, that's, th- that's, you know, everybody... Uh, again, I'm on this thing called drug court, which is like probation on steroids. Uh, it's kinda new. It's only 20 years old. The premise of it is there's not a lot of guys with my charges. I, uh, right now, I have, I have a third-degree possession charge right now and, um, because the, the, uh, the charge in LA is so long ago, that was expunged off my record, so technically, I got a first-time offense third degree. Not a lot, not a lot of guys with that little of a charge get drug court. Drug court is for people who can't stop robbing people because there's... In other words, they were putting everybody in jail for robbing stuff and they linked that behavior back to drug use. They were stealing to support their drug habit. So they get all these robberies on their jacket and, and they go, "Okay, to try to help you, instead of giving you prison, we're gonna give you this thing called drug court." But you gotta report, like, like, I gave five urines this week.

   6. JRJoe Rogan19:08

      Yeah.

   7. ALArtie Lange19:08

      You know? So if I, uh, uh, if I got high, first of all, my situation 'cause I'm well-known, the second... I, I, I give clean urine, clean urine, clean urine and then one dirty, it's all over, you know-

   8. JRJoe Rogan19:19

      Yeah.

   9. ALArtie Lange19:20

      ... the, the news.

   10. JRJoe Rogan19:21

       Now are they... Why did they give you such a harsh sentence if it's just possession?

   11. ALArtie Lange19:25

       I, I, I, I don't really know.

   12. NANarrator19:27

       (clears throat)

   13. JRJoe Rogan19:27

       Are they trying to make an example?

   14. ALArtie Lange19:28

       I, I, I think that's part of it. Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan19:30

       Yeah.

   16. ALArtie Lange19:30

       Because, you know, every time... When I got... Uh, the first charge was just regular probation. And I got no new charges or anything. It was all these technical violations 'cause I kept pissing dirty. Uh, and eventually after I failed that, they gave me drug court, but, uh, you know, again, it, it... I, I got no problem with the people in the legal system.

   17. JRJoe Rogan19:48

       But what is, what, what is your feeling on, like, what works? How do you get someone... Uh, I mean, for you, is it being scared? Is it crashing?

   18. ALArtie Lange19:56

       That's part of it. But you gotta, you gotta wanna do it.

   19. JRJoe Rogan19:58

       Right.

   20. ALArtie Lange19:59

       T- t- t-

   21. JRJoe Rogan19:59

       And you wanna do it right now?

   22. ALArtie Lange20:00

       Y- y- e-

   23. JRJoe Rogan20:00

       But was it because they had threatened you with so much l- I mean, is there a... What I'm trying to get at is, is there, like, a method to this that makes any sense, where giving such a harsh sentence-

7. 20:07 – 27:01

   Heroin takes over: withdrawals, touring sickness, and scoring in every city

   1. ALArtie Lange20:07

      There's supposed, there's supposed to be, but the fu- Okay. The p- the premise, I think... The, the best thing about jail for a drug addict is it, it actually locks you away from the drugs for a little while because...

   2. JRJoe Rogan20:20

      Oh.

   3. ALArtie Lange20:21

      See, now, cocaine made my life chaos for a long time, but when heroin came into the game, forget it. Lights out. Heroin is... If I saw some kid thinking about trying heroin for the first time, I would tackle them. I, I would do anything to get them to stop because the only way to stop this, this opioid crisis is prevention. You know? Doctors became pushers with oxys and stuff like that.

   4. JRJoe Rogan20:42

      Mm-hmm.

   5. ALArtie Lange20:42

      You know, uh, drug companies... It's a, it's a lot of money, you know?

   6. JRJoe Rogan20:46

      Yeah.

   7. ALArtie Lange20:46

      On the legal and illegal side of it. So once, once heroin gets in your system, you need it every eight hours.

   8. NANarrator20:55

      (clears throat)

   9. ALArtie Lange20:55

      Y- you need it every eight hours like it's oxygen so you, you become desperate. Withdrawals are insane. So-

   10. JRJoe Rogan21:02

       Is it insane? Like, what is it like?

   11. ALArtie Lange21:03

       It's insanity. Well, okay. Uh, when I became... Uh, y- you know, again, m- my story on the Howard Stern Show, the big headline at the end of why I left that show was... And I, I, I speak sometimes at NA meetings and I try to get this through young people's heads. Uh, I was basically a full-blown junkie on the biggest radio show of all time.

   12. JRJoe Rogan21:27

       Yeah.

   13. ALArtie Lange21:27

       I mean, that, that's the headline. That, that's what... Uh, you know, so nodding off on the air, but I also had a full-time standup comedy schedule. So my life became the kind of chaos that not many human beings have ever seen. So I, I, I would, I would have gigs in Pittsburgh, Phoenix, and Detroit three weeks in a row. Then I gotta get back at 6:00 AM to be on Stern. Now I was... By the end, I was so paranoid to bring drugs on a plane, but I needed the heroin to get on stage 'cause the sickness... Picture the flu times 10, that's what the, that's what withdrawals are. And there's, there's aches. All the emotional pain you're masking comes back.

   14. JRJoe Rogan22:02

       Mm-hmm.

   15. ALArtie Lange22:02

       So it's... Withdrawals are a living hell. So when you see the withdrawals coming, you see the heroin getting out of your system, you're like, "Okay, it's gonna get really bad." Then you realize... Most people can't leave their room. Then you realize you gotta do five radio shows a week and then you gotta fly to Detroit and do standup on a Saturday night. So when I landed in Detroit, I wouldn't have heroin. So my life became a dance of, like, I would land in every city and I would say... Uh, I would, I would get in the cab and I'd say to the cab driver, "I need k- k... I need heroin. I gotta score." (laughs) "Otherwise, I can't do this show." Sometimes a guy would recognize me and, and want tickets to the show.

   16. JRJoe Rogan22:41

       (laughs)

   17. ALArtie Lange22:41

       I would go to the worst part of Detroit, okay?

   18. JRJoe Rogan22:44

       Oh.

   19. ALArtie Lange22:44

       Or the worst part of...

   20. JRJoe Rogan22:45

       Anywhere.

   21. ALArtie Lange22:46

       Anywhere. Any city. And try to find heroin because in an hour, I gotta be on stage and in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be deathly sick. When I say sick, like, shitting my pants, throwing up.

   22. JRJoe Rogan22:58

       So this is... You're getting there with no connections?

   23. ALArtie Lange23:00

       No connections. Uh, now I started to get-

   24. JRJoe Rogan23:02

       Did you ever not score?

   25. ALArtie Lange23:04

       Uh, yeah. I used to call them, uh, I used to call them, uh, dope sick sets 'cause withdrawals, they call it dope sickness. And I... One time I was on stage in Orlando, Florida. I had to do an hour. Half an hour into my set, I realize I'm gonna shit my pants in front of 2,000 people. (laughs)

   26. JRJoe Rogan23:19

       Whoa.

   27. ALArtie Lange23:19

       So I said, "Okay." In my head... And, like, you know, with your act, sometimes you got jokes you could do like a robot. So I'm just, I'm just going through the motions. "Uh, uh, y- you say this and I'll get a laugh. You say this and I'll get a laugh."

   28. JRJoe Rogan23:31

       Right.

   29. ALArtie Lange23:31

       I realize I'm gonna shit my pants, okay? In front of 2,000 people. So I said, "There's two choices. I can either say, 'Guys, I gotta go to the bathroom,' listen to some music, and go shit, or shit my pants in front of 2,000 people."

   30. JRJoe Rogan23:45

       Did you shit your pants?
8. 27:01 – 35:03

   Suboxone, methadone, fentanyl: ‘legal dope,’ precip withdrawals, and overdose risk

   1. ALArtie Lange27:01

      If I didn't have jail hanging over my head, I don't know what would happen today. But I think I'm far enough out of getting high. Like, I got- I- it's- the drugs are finally out of my fucking system. There's other drugs they give you, um, that are basically legal dope. There's this thing called Suboxone-

   2. JRJoe Rogan27:18

      Yeah.

   3. ALArtie Lange27:18

      ... which is an opiate blocker, but it's dope, you know?

   4. JRJoe Rogan27:21

      What does it do to you?

   5. ALArtie Lange27:21

      It- it- it stops you from getting high on heroin, but it stops the withdrawals too, so you also get high, you know? It's an opioid.

   6. JRJoe Rogan27:29

      Yeah.

   7. ALArtie Lange27:30

      But it's legal. Uh, and so if you're on what they call Suboxone maintenance, you- you- you, uh, you can pee with that in your urine and you'll be all right if they know you're on it. Th- through-

   8. JRJoe Rogan27:41

      But you're getting high?

   9. ALArtie Lange27:42

      ... through a doctor. You're getting high. It's like methadone.

   10. JRJoe Rogan27:45

       Right.

   11. ALArtie Lange27:45

       Methadone. So-

   12. JRJoe Rogan27:46

       We used to have these guys that would come to the pool hall. We would call them the methadonians.

   13. ALArtie Lange27:49

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan27:49

       They would go down the street, they'd get their methadone, they'd come to the pool hall, and they'd just be zombies.

   15. ALArtie Lange27:54

       Okay, ano- ano- another story about methadone. For a little while, I took methadone at a methadone clinic while I was on Howard 'cause I was desperately trying to get off heroin. But look, again, the only difference between methadone and heroin is le- legality. Like- like, one's- the courts are cool with one for some reason, and the other one's illegal. I mean, i- i- i- if- if you have no l- legal issues, why not just keep doing heroin? It makes-

   16. JRJoe Rogan28:15

       Right.

   17. ALArtie Lange28:15

       ... no fucking sense.

   18. JRJoe Rogan28:16

       And it's probably better for you.

   19. ALArtie Lange28:17

       Because like you s- Heroin is the one drug that doesn't affect any organ. Like the way people die on heroin is you- you overdose. But like look at Keith Richards, I mean, Ki- uh, uh, he just got good shit, he got pure shit-

   20. JRJoe Rogan28:29

       Yeah.

   21. ALArtie Lange28:29

       ... and he never OD'd and died. Uh, so, like he's almost preserved. It kinda- it doesn't affect your liver, nothing like that. So-

   22. JRJoe Rogan28:37

       Really? So there's no real health consequences other than overdose?

   23. ALArtie Lange28:40

       Other than o- really other than ODing and the withdrawals, because it becomes a part of your body. It's a- uh, like, uh, it's- it's- again, I'm not recommending it.

   24. JRJoe Rogan28:50

       (laughs)

   25. ALArtie Lange28:50

       It's a living hell.

   26. JRJoe Rogan28:51

       I'm sure.

   27. ALArtie Lange28:51

       It's a- it's a living hell.

   28. JRJoe Rogan28:52

       Yeah.

   29. ALArtie Lange28:52

       The lifestyle and the people that get into your life because of it, but... So a couple of times I went to a methadone clinic that opened at 6:00 AM. Because the guy was a fan of Stern, he would let me come into the methadone clinic at 5:30 and get-

   30. JRJoe Rogan29:05

       Wow.
9. 35:03 – 37:36

   What finally changed: longer lockup, clear thinking, and his mother’s pain

   1. JRJoe Rogan35:03

      So what happened this time that changed?

   2. ALArtie Lange35:06

      I, I, uh, they, they kept me away for longer than I ever was. I, I, I was doing, I was doing like two-week bid, a week bid in jail. This time I was in jail for almost two months and I kicked, then I went to a long term rehab and I got locked away from it, and, uh, I started to think clearer and think about the consequences and think about my mom. And the fact that my mother is this great Italian woman, uh, who, uh, you know, I thought she just needed money from me. I took care... My old man on his deathbed said, "Take care of your mother." And as an Italian guy from North Jersey you think that means money. Doesn't mean anything else. So I kept giving her money not knowing she was worried about me dying, you know, a- all the time. So she sh- I, I thought about her pain and I said, "I can't do this anymore." So I just started to think clearer and then the one day at a time comes in, so...

   3. JRJoe Rogan35:57

      Wow.

   4. ALArtie Lange35:58

      That's the difference. The difference was I was locked away from the dope...... longer than I ever was. So not only did the physical withdrawals go away, but the, the mental withdrawal. Charlie Parker, the great jazz musician, who was a heroin addict, died when he was 35. He said, "They can get it out of your body, but they can never get it out of your brain."

   5. JRJoe Rogan36:15

      Charlie Parker died at 35?

   6. ALArtie Lange36:16

      Charlie Parker was 35. (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan36:18

      Jesus Christ.

   8. ALArtie Lange36:18

      The coroner said he was 66. (laughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan36:21

      Wow.

   10. ALArtie Lange36:21

       Yeah. But, but he had the most profound thing I ever heard someone say about heroin. He said, "They can get it out of your brain but, uh, they can get it out of your body but they can't get it out of your brain."

   11. JRJoe Rogan36:30

       'Cause you remember it.

   12. ALArtie Lange36:31

       Yeah, you know.

   13. JRJoe Rogan36:31

       You remember the-

   14. ALArtie Lange36:32

       It's a way to deal with shit, you know.

   15. JRJoe Rogan36:33

       And it's a, a maternal thing, right? It's like, almost like being in the womb.

   16. ALArtie Lange36:36

       Absolutely.

   17. JRJoe Rogan36:37

       Like, you're protected and warm.

   18. ALArtie Lange36:39

       Absolutely.

   19. JRJoe Rogan36:39

       I've never done it but when I had, I had knee surgery, they gave me a morphine drip-

   20. ALArtie Lange36:42

       Oh, forget it.

   21. JRJoe Rogan36:43

       ... and they gave me a button.

   22. ALArtie Lange36:44

       Yeah, that's it.

   23. JRJoe Rogan36:44

       Any time I was in the hospital, I could hit it any time I want. I just hammered that thing.

   24. ALArtie Lange36:47

       Yeah, of course.

   25. JRJoe Rogan36:48

       And you just glid- you just glide off to the most beautiful, wonderful feelings.

   26. ALArtie Lange36:52

       Well, that's the thing about drugs, they work. (laughs)

   27. JRJoe Rogan36:56

       (laughs)

   28. ALArtie Lange36:56

       You know, and it's instant, it's instant.

   29. JRJoe Rogan36:58

       Yeah.

   30. ALArtie Lange36:59

       You know, you don't want ... And again, that's something else in our business, like, uh, uh, I, I, you know, I don't wanna wait for anything.
10. 37:36 – 1:00:13

    Comedians and addiction: Giraldo, Hedberg, Farley, and the culture of chaos

    1. ALArtie Lange37:36

       ... uh, it's, um, I'll give you Greg Giraldo. I'll give you a great Greg Giraldo story. All right. Okay, so this to me sums up a comedian who's also a drug addict. All right. 2006, William Shatner Roast, Comedy Central, right? Giraldo was just hitting with the roast, he was getting to be a big deal, but I had partied with him a couple of times and, you know, we both had the same problem. So, uh, so we were the only two guys coming from New York City to do the Shatner Roast. This was '06 for Comedy Central. So I'm at the JFK, first lounge, first, first class lounge, waiting for my plane. And I know Greg is supposed to be on a plane. He shows up five minutes before the plane takes off and he goes, "How are you, man?" He, like, hugs me, sweating, he goes, "I'm tweaking," like he was on, taking amphetamines. So I go ... He goes, "I'm not getting on a plane." I go, "Dude, you're h- you're like the best guy at these roasts now, you have to get on a plane. This is your career." And he goes, "I can't get on a plane." I go, "You have to get on a fucking plane." So I had all this Vicodin I smuggled under my sh- under my sock. I said, "Take a couple of Vicodin and have a beer." So I got him a beer and he started to calm down a little bit. I literally held his hand, okay? I held his hand and got him on a plane. I changed my seat to sit next to him. He was too paranoid to go to the fucking bathroom, so I would guard the bathroom so no one could come in and I, I ... We get to LA ... Now, we gotta go to a dress rehearsal at CBS Radford. Farrah Fawcett was on that roast, so now he's still freaking out, paranoid, and he, he want- he goes, "I'm gonna hug Farrah Fawcett." I go, "You can't go near Farrah Fawcett."

    2. JRJoe Rogan39:05

       (laughs)

    3. ALArtie Lange39:05

       I go, "Not only is your career gonna be over, you're gonna ..." He goes, "I'm gonna hug Farrah, I have to kiss her."

    4. JRJoe Rogan39:10

       Oh, Jesus.

    5. ALArtie Lange39:10

       I go ... She was two feet from us. I go, "You can't kiss Farrah Fawcett!"

    6. JRJoe Rogan39:13

       (laughs)

    7. ALArtie Lange39:15

       I go, "Greg, you can't kiss Farrah!"

    8. JRJoe Rogan39:16

       (laughs)

    9. ALArtie Lange39:17

       Like, I go, "You're gonna get arrested!" I go, "Ni- your career's gonna be over and you're gonna be arrested for sexually assaulting Farrah Fawcett on amphetamines." So I go, "You just gotta calm the fuck down." We get through the dress rehearsal and he goes, "Please don't tell anybody." And now, I've been there, so I know what he's ... So I go, "I won't." So we go back to the hotel, I, I leave my room, I sit by him like Florence fucking Nightingale. I'm giving him, like, hot compresses and shit. The morning, the next morning, the, uh, uh, a car is coming to get us to take us to the show at noon and he comes out of it. He comes out of the bathroom, he goes, "I, I think I'm ... I came down." He hugs me, he's crying. He goes, "Thank you so much." I go, "Dude, you would've done the same thing for me." Okay, so now we go to the roast. He's the first roaster up. First thing he says, he goes, "Artie Lange's here. How about a hand for Artie Lange?" And everybody applauds. He looks at me, he goes, "Look at you, Artie, you fat fucking drug addict." (laughs)

    10. JRJoe Rogan40:07

        (laughs)

    11. ALArtie Lange40:09

        That's the first thing he said.

    12. JRJoe Rogan40:11

        (laughs)

    13. ALArtie Lange40:11

        That's the first thing he said. And I went like this, I went probably like this and he went like this ...

    14. JRJoe Rogan40:18

        (laughs)

    15. ALArtie Lange40:20

        (laughs) That, that look, that look, that's a comedian.

    16. JRJoe Rogan40:23

        Yes.

    17. ALArtie Lange40:23

        That look's a comedian.

    18. JRJoe Rogan40:24

        What are you gonna do? It's there.

    19. ALArtie Lange40:26

        (laughs)

    20. JRJoe Rogan40:26

        You gotta take it.

    21. ALArtie Lange40:28

        I just saved his fucking life.

    22. JRJoe Rogan40:29

        Oh, I'm crying.

    23. ALArtie Lange40:30

        I practically made out with him.

    24. JRJoe Rogan40:32

        Oh. (laughs)

    25. ALArtie Lange40:33

        I stopped him from sexually assaulting one of the Charlie's Angels. (laughs)

    26. JRJoe Rogan40:37

        Oh. (laughs) The one.

    27. ALArtie Lange40:38

        Yeah, yeah, the one.

    28. JRJoe Rogan40:39

        Oh.

    29. ALArtie Lange40:40

        Farrah Fawcett, he goes, "I'm gonna kiss Farrah Fawcett."

    30. JRJoe Rogan40:41

        Ugh.
11. 1:00:13 – 1:05:26

    Generosity and the internet era: why podcast culture feels different than TV wars

    1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:13

       But this business i- is particular, I think, during the, the TV era, which I think is kinda gone. I think now we're in the internet era.

    2. ALArtie Lange1:00:19

       Oh, absolutely, yeah.

    3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:20

       The internet era-

    4. ALArtie Lange1:00:21

       Yeah.

    5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

       ... is what's happening. But the internet era is a much more generous era because it actually helps everybody to have all these shows and no one's competing against each other in a sense because, you know-

    6. ALArtie Lange1:00:30

       Right.

    7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:30

       ... it used to be, like, there was one host of The Tonight Show-

    8. ALArtie Lange1:00:32

       Absolutely.

    9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:32

       ... and everybody stabbed everybody to get that fucking job.

    10. ALArtie Lange1:00:34

        Yeah.

    11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:35

        And there was those Late Night War, the movie, with Letterman and Jay Leno.

    12. ALArtie Lange1:00:37

        And, yeah, and the stories about Carson now, Ruthless, he has with Joan Rivers, if he tried to go up and out. Yeah.

    13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:41

        Ruthless, yes. I mean, that's how everybody was.

    14. ALArtie Lange1:00:42

        But why be that way, like, you know?

    15. JRJoe Rogan1:00:43

        I think back then it was a famine mentality because there was such a few, there was a few slots and there was hundreds of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with knives.

    16. ALArtie Lange1:00:51

        That was the... No, look, again, see, you though as a good person with character, that's your attitude, which is great. Y- you live that lifestyle. Like, in other words, what we're saying is important, like, th- this is the biggest podcast going. If you were hosting The Tonight Show... And look, I've been on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon a million times. I kill every time. But-... to have me on a mainstream, and I love Jimmy but, to have me on a mainstream show talking like this, there's consequences to that, corporate wise.

    17. JRJoe Rogan1:01:18

        Yes. They can't do it.

    18. ALArtie Lange1:01:19

        E- e- they would fight you to have me on.

    19. JRJoe Rogan1:01:21

        Yes.

    20. ALArtie Lange1:01:21

        So you're in a b- y- you're in a situation where me and you are two guys who've known each other a long time. Who respect each other's work and as people. And I'm a guy, I mean let's face it, I'm- I'm trying to get back on my feet. And you, you come to New York and you let me do this. That's huge. That's something you couldn't do in your network world.

    21. JRJoe Rogan1:01:37

        Uh, I came to New York a day early.

    22. ALArtie Lange1:01:38

        (laughs)

    23. JRJoe Rogan1:01:39

        That's why I'm here.

    24. ALArtie Lange1:01:40

        I mean listen-

    25. JRJoe Rogan1:01:40

        I was supposed to, I was supposed to land today at four in the afternoon.

    26. ALArtie Lange1:01:43

        It's downright touching.

    27. JRJoe Rogan1:01:44

        Listen, I love you man.

    28. ALArtie Lange1:01:45

        But- but like-

    29. JRJoe Rogan1:01:45

        I'm happy th- that you're-

    30. ALArtie Lange1:01:46

        Thank you.

Episode duration: 1:34:59