Joe Rogan Experience #1396 - Michelle Wolf

Michelle Wolf is a comedian, writer, producer, and television host. Her new special "Joke Show" starts streaming on Netflix on December 10.

HosthostGuest 2guest

Dec 10, 20192h 37mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,014 words

0:00 – 1:34
Wolf jokes, wellness trends, and flirting with ‘crystal energy’
1. HOHost
  Mm. Yes! How many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure-
2. Uh.
3. ... over your life?
4. You know what? I like them.
5. Do you?
6. So, yeah.
7. What's the worst?
8. Bring them on.
9. (laughs)
10. Joe List constantly tries to get the nickname Wolf of Wall Street started. (laughs)
11. (laughs)
12. Every time I see him, he's like, "Wolf of Wall Street."
13. Why?
14. It's gonna catch on. He says it to no one.
15. (laughs)
16. It's gonna catch on. It's gonna catch on. (laughs)
17. You were saying that you like the turmeric coffee, but you don't like to admit that you like that stuff?
18. Yeah, I, like, recently got into, like, all this, like, kinda like, you know, this, like, new age-y health stuff and, and crystals.
19. You got into crystals?
20. I mean, a little bit. I'm on the fringe of the crystal, you know, might be-
21. For real?
22. ... wearing a little rose quartz.
23. Mm-hmm.
24. And, uh ... (laughs)
25. What are you ... Like, what's the thought behind being into crystals?
26. I hon- honestly think it's a lot of it's, like, just in your 30s at some point.
27. Oh, okay.
28. As a woman, I think you get into crystals.
29. Yeah, if you don't get a kid or a dog. (laughs)
30. Yeah, you're kinda just like, you're just like, "You know what? Maybe I can bring some energy-"
1:34 – 3:34
Psychedelics and microdosing: giggles, anxiety relief, and ‘blast off’ doses
1. HOHost
  It probably means you're lonely. But, y- like, shamans, like, do you wanna do drugs?
2. Oh, I mean, I'd be ... I, I'd love to do ayahuasca.
3. Yeah, so that's ... If ... They're not gonna be listed. You're gonna have to find somewhere.
4. Right. (laughs)
5. You can't just, like, right Google them. Some, some narc can just kinda Google-
6. (laughs)
7. ... Google ayahuasca. You could get away with it f- legally right now in Oakland, if you go to Oakland.
8. Oh, yeah?
9. Yeah, Oakland decl- they fucking stepped up. They decriminalized everything.
10. Yeah, mushrooms are good.
11. Psychedelics, mushrooms, everything.
12. Yeah.
13. Everything. They're like, "Fuck it, do it."
14. Yeah.
15. Yeah, which is what we need. With ... Slowly but surely, that's gonna be the whole country.
16. I, mushrooms are ... I love mushrooms.
17. Wanna do some right now?
18. Uh, I, I have too many other things to do today. (laughs) Although-
19. (laughs)
20. ... I recently did them, and I all of a sudden ... I didn't realize this had happened on mushrooms. I got so giggly. Like-
21. Oh, yeah. If you take the right amount, you get super giggly.
22. Like just giggled for hours. I was like-
23. (laughs)
24. ... "Oh, this is the best."
25. (laughs)
26. This is ... I was-
27. Yeah.
28. ... I'm sure I was annoying to everyone around me, which is also pretty normal, but like ... (laughs) You know, I'm, I'm giggling nonstop at anything.
29. Well, a lot of people are microdosing now, and what they're doing is they're taking a level of ... They're taking, like, enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it. It's like you're, it's like knocking on the door, feeling it. Like, almost there, but they report this amazing alleviation of anxiety. They feel super creative and really friendly, and all these, like, powerful, positive vibes, but they're basically sober.
30. Yeah, I don't know. Does it affect you along, like, if you-
3:34 – 5:50
War-as-sports jokes, robot fears, and why AI makes people uneasy
1. HOHost
  At the, uh, beginning of the, the, the Gulf War, like, right after 9/11, Stanhope and I got fucked up on mushrooms, like the day of the war, and we were watching TV, and they were like, "War coverage."
2. "We all gotta serve our country some way." (laughs)
3. Yes. That's how we, that's how we do it.
4. (laughs)
5. (clears throat) We get high and watch TV. And we were watching TV and they said, "War coverage begins today at 5:00." And he goes, "Holy shit, there's a kickoff for the war."
6. (laughs)
7. (laughs)
8. (laughs)
9. I, I don't ev- the, the whole ... That war, the-
10. (laughs)
11. That war beg- it, like ... The invasion of Iraq, the more, most recent one, not Desert Storm, but the most recent one, that is s- forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him saying, "Holy shit, there's a kickoff." (laughs)
12. There's a coin toss. (laughs)
13. It was so weird.
14. That would make war more fun-
15. Yeah.
16. ... if they were like, they broadcast it like a game. (laughs)
17. It would, right? Yeah. W-
18. They're like, "Flag on the play. There are some IEDs."
19. It might be, it might be the future. Like, when, when you have, uh, robot wars.
20. No, I don't-
21. 'Cause in the future, I don't think people are gonna be fighting people.
22. Robots scare me.
23. They should.
24. So much. I don't know why we're making them. I don't. I was doing a gig at MIT recently, and I spent like the first 10 minutes yelling at them to stop making robots.
25. (laughs)
26. They make these cheetahs.
27. Yeah.
28. Why are you making robot cheetahs? What is the point of that, other than-
29. Well, that's Boston Dynamics.
30. (laughs)
5:50 – 9:38
Presidents, China’s long-game planning, and workplace tech-security stories
1. HOHost
  But did you think about, like, when, when Trump was giving you a hard time, did you, did you think, "Hey, motherfucker, if I ran against you, I could really fuck you up." Did you ever think about that-
2. No.
3. ... for a second while he was, while he was tweeting against you and all the, all the craziness that was going there?
4. Never. Well, I'm like, for ... It didn't even occur to me, but also, I'm, I'm still 34. So I couldn't-
5. (laughs)
6. ... even run if I wanted to.
7. How old do you have to be, 36?
8. 35.
9. 35? You're close.
10. That's the only qualification for president.
11. You can start talking.
12. 35 and born here. (laughs)
13. Yeah, right? Isn't that crazy?
14. There should be more.
15. Born there is important.
16. Yeah.
17. Born here is super important.
18. Yeah.
19. 'Cause you don't want anybody sneaking in and just ruining the entire country-
20. Yeah.
21. ... on the sneak tip.
22. Although, if I was, like, I'd be like a long game terrorist.
23. Yeah.
24. You know, like, be like, "Yeah, they were born here, but th- they were incels the whole time." (laughs)
25. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half the kids over here.
26. This is three generations of Americans. (laughs)
27. Get the plan in advance.They, they do, they do plan, some terrorists and some organizations do plan things way, way, way in advance.
28. Yeah.
29. That's like the thing they say about China, that China plans things, like, hundreds of years out.
30. Yeah, they're good at it.
9:38 – 12:08
Chopsticks, tattoos, and the comedy of lifestyle signals
1. HOHost
  Isn't it funny that chop- chopsticks is racist? No, it's racial, you fucks. There's a difference between racial and racist.
2. Yeah, exactly.
3. I enjoy Chopsticks.
4. Yeah.
5. It's a great way to eat salad, by the way.
6. It's a great way to eat slower. (laughs)
7. Yeah. Well, yeah, if you wanna eat rice. Yeah, it's really slow.
8. Yeah, yeah.
9. But if you wanna eat salad, it's like the best way to eat salad.
10. That's actually-
11. I eat salad with chopsticks.
12. Yeah.
13. Yeah. You could really-
14. Because you ever try to like grab-
15. Yeah.
16. ... get a fork in a tomato?
17. It's fucking hard.
18. Yeah. (laughs)
19. But you can grab a lot of lettuce with them chopsticks, you know?
20. (laughs) I'm gonna try that next time.
21. Yeah, fuck yeah. And like, forks with sushi? Get the fuck outta here. You have to use chopsticks.
22. Yeah.
23. It's a great-
24. Or your hands.
25. Yeah.
26. I use my hands a lot.
27. You're an animal.
28. Yeah.
29. Look at you.
30. Yeah. (laughs)
12:08 – 15:19
Earthquakes, Yellowstone supervolcano, and choosing a quick apocalypse
1. HOHost
  Oh, yeah. Did you see the Lizzo thing from the Lakers game last night?
2. What, no, what you... Did you feel that?
3. G2Guest 2
  Yeah, it was the truck and...
4. HOHost
  Oh, I thought it was an earthquake.
5. G2Guest 2
  Happens all the time. I do too.
6. HOHost
  I panicked.
7. G2Guest 2
  Every day.
8. HOHost
  Oh, I've never been here for an earthquake.
9. Oh, I'm, we're due.
10. Uh-oh.
11. We're due for a big one.
12. Oh, that's what everyone keeps saying. (laughs)
13. They said that there was a recent shift in one of the tectonic plates that, uh, they... It was the first time it moved in 500 years.
14. Uh-oh.
15. And they're like, "Oh, Jesus."
16. Yeah. (laughs)
17. The other place I was thinking of moving to was Bozeman, Montana. You know why, Jamie? Because it's right next to Yellowstone. So if it blows-
18. G2Guest 2
  They're gone.
19. HOHost
  ... it blows right on your fucking head.
20. Wait, if the, like the geyser?
21. Well, do you know what Yellowstone is?
22. It's, like, a, got, like, a bunch of water under it, right?
23. Oh.
24. Hot water?
25. Much, much, much, much, much more than that.
26. (laughs)
27. It's a continent destroyer.
28. 'Cause I'm like, "It's just hot water, right?" (laughs)
29. It's a continent destroyer. It's a caldera volcano. They didn't find out about it until satellites.
30. Wait, is that the geyser?
15:19 – 19:18
Lizzo courtside, body-confidence debates, and iPhone status psychology
1. HOHost
  ... really trying not to care. The Lakers game last night, Lizzo.
2. Oh, Jesus. Is that her?
3. She... Yeah, so-
4. What is she doing there?
5. And I actually, I went to the game last night and she wore this T-shirt that had this big hole in the back and she was just wearing a thong out of it.
6. Hmm.
7. My theory is that she forgot underwear and then cut it and she was like, "I can fashion it out of this hole." But-
8. I think that's calculated.
9. She, um... First of all, she's sitting on a seat.
10. Right there?
11. Right there.
12. Okay.
13. Her butt is on that plastic Delta courtside seat. (laughs)
14. Well, you know, Lil Duval? You know Lil Duval?
15. Mm-hmm.
16. He had a great point. He put it on his, uh, his Twitter page. He said, "How come when little, skinny hot girls wear no clothes, everybody gets mad at them and calls them sluts? But when big, giant girls..." I don't think he said, "Big, giant girls." I think he just said, "Big." I added "giant."
17. (laughs)
18. He's like when, when (laughs) , when big girls, when big girls dress like that, everybody celebrates.
19. Uh, I... Well, my biggest problem with it is that, like, it's... You'll see all these women, I'm sure, being like, "She's just confident. She's confident." And I'm like, why does it still have to be... Like, it doesn't matter, it's still wrapped up in women, like, needing to feel sexy to feel confident.
20. Right.
21. Where I'm like...
22. Right.
23. Or you can just be a really good artist. (laughs)
24. No. No, to be confident, you have to be... You have to stick your ass out.
25. Yeah.
26. Super important.
27. Yeah, it's very important.
28. That's what people do when they're confident.
29. Yeah.
30. It's like when baboons, when they're, they're in estrus.
19:18 – 25:14
Comedians’ phones, Dave Attell lore, and underappreciated joke-writers
1. HOHost
  I have a friend who only uses an iPad, and is only... Can only get messages when it's connected to wifi.
2. Whoa.
3. Yeah. It's very frustrating when you're trying to get ahold of that person. (laughs)
4. I have a friend who does that too.
5. It's just like, well, I guess-
6. Is it your friend Ari Shaffir?
7. Um, I mean, Ari does it too, yeah.
8. Yeah.
9. But, uh, yeah, it's the same kind of thing.
10. Oh, I know another guy who does that too. I bet I know who you're talking about.
11. Maybe.
12. Yeah. Yeah, he does that.
13. Uh, but, yeah, Ari... I mean, he'll get-
14. Well, Ari is an addict.
15. (laughs)
16. And he knows it. He understands it, and I, I respect the fact that he made a proactive move-
17. Yeah.
18. ... to, like, say, "Look, this is... This is fucking dumb. I have to, uh, figure out a way to not stare at my phone all day. I'll just get a flip phone."
19. Right.
20. But then he was, like, texting with the thumbs, doing that T9 thing, like... Oof.
21. (laughs) Attell has a flip phone.
22. Mm. Oh, yeah. Well, he has an iPhone too.
23. Oh, all right.
24. Like, literally, iPhone 2. Like, the number two.
25. Yeah. (laughs)
26. He does. It is. It, it is a second generation iPhone. It's hilarious.
27. (laughs)
28. He pulls it out of his pocket, like, what? It's like, like, fucking receipts and diner matches and shit.
29. (laughs)
30. Like, he pulls out this old ass iPhone. Attell's hilarious. Not just hilarious as a comic, but hilarious as a human character.
25:14 – 28:54
Pennsylvania roots, hunting culture, and Joe’s bowhunting logistics
1. HOHost
  That's where I'm from. (laughs)
2. (laughs) My parent- my parents used to live outside of Wilkes-Barre.
3. Really?
4. Yeah.
5. I'm from Hershey.
6. Oh, shit.
7. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
8. Boy, it smells out there.
9. It... Yeah.
10. Cows, right?
11. Y- there's, uh... So in town, it would either smell like chocolate, 'cause of the factory-
12. Mm-hmm.
13. ... or poop.
14. Cows or chocolate?
15. Yeah.
16. Boy, that's a confusing way to grow up.
17. Yeah, it really is. (laughs)
18. How many people live in Hershey?
19. I think it's like 30,000 maybe.
20. Hmm. You get about 30,000 deer around there too.
21. Yeah, a lot of deer.
22. Good, good place to drive at night.
23. We have a day off of school for deer hunting.
24. Oh, day off school?
25. Yeah.
26. Really?
27. It was always-
28. Wow.
29. ... the Monday after Thanksgiving, that's when deer season started.
30. Pennsylvania's-
28:54 – 36:04
Airport security absurdities: pool cues, knives, liquids, and theater of safety
1. HOHost
  Well, Tony Hinchcliffe tried to bring a pool stick. We went to, uh... This is what's... This... Here's what's really crazy. We went to Phoenix this past weekend.
2. Mm-hmm.
3. We were working together, and, uh, my friend Scott Frost has a... Shout out to Scott Frost. Has a, a place in Tempe, this big pool hall. Scott's like a big time, um, gambler, pool player, professional pool player. Very famous guy in the world of pool. And so we were gonna go and play at his place. And so Tony brought his pool cue. And in LA, he didn't even check it. He just walked right through security with a pool cue. Pool cue is totally illegal to bring on a plane. So, we're walking around LAX, and I go, "Hey, man, you have a fucking pool cue with you?" He goes, "Yeah." I go, "How did you do that?" He goes, "I just walked right through."
4. (laughs)
5. I go, "What?" He goes, "Yeah, I just walked through." I go, "Dude, that's illegal. You can't have that." He goes, "I'm pretty sure it's legal now." So, on the way back from Phoenix, they were like, "What the fuck are you doing?"
6. (laughs)
7. And he's like, "Oh, I'm just gonna bring the pool cue on the plane." And they was like, "No, you're not. Go check that shit." So, he had to go back out. We had to hold onto his bags. He went back out, and he had to go back to the counter and check it and come back.
8. Wait, why is it so illegal? 'Cause you could poke-
9. So you can beat someone to death with it.
10. Oh, right. I was thinking poke.
11. So, p-
12. (laughs)
13. (laughs) You can p- I guess you could do that too.
14. You just... You go up to the, the, the... (laughs) You somehow get into the, uh, cockpit, and you're just like poking the back of their heads. You're like-
15. "Hey, we're going to, we're going to Egypt."
16. "They annoyed me so much." (laughs)
17. (laughs) "They made us fly to Miami." No, it's a hardwood club, basically.
18. Oh, that's... Yeah, I'm dumb. That's a better... That would be a better way to use a weapon. (laughs)
19. You know, how many, how many of you watched a Steven Seagal movie?
20. Oh, right, yeah.
21. They beat people up with pool cues. Whack, whack.
22. Yeah.
23. Right, does fucking karate on them and shit.
24. But there's so much stuff like that, that like-
25. Oh, yeah.
26. Well, they sell glass bottles-
27. Yeah.
28. ... inside the terminal, which you could break-
29. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30. ... and then have a glass weapon.
36:04 – 46:09
Mad Hatters, syphilis, court wigs, and how tradition survives by inertia
1. HOHost
  Do you know that they used to use beaver pelts to, like, line the inside of their hats?
2. Really?
3. Yeah. Like, that was, like, a big thing. Like, beavers would line the inside of the hats. And there was something about the inside of hats that they used mercury, and the mercury made people go crazy 'cause mercury is terrible.
4. Yeah, I was gonna say, that sounds like a bad idea.
5. So that's where the expression Mad Hatter came from.
6. Really?
7. Mad as a hatter. Yeah.
8. 'Cause he-
9. It came from people not knowing that mercury was poison, so they were putting mercury in their fucking hats.
10. This is how, like, I'm just... (laughs) I'm just like, yeah, 100%.
11. I'm pretty sure that's true.
12. I 100% believe you. (laughs)
13. (laughs) It sounds ridiculous. Is that true?
14. Yeah.
15. I think it's totally true, right? I definitely think someone told me that on this podcast. I've... My hard drive is so overfull. So overfull. Like, I- I s-... run into people and, um, I go, "Oh, I know that guy." I'm like, "Fuck, he was on my podcast a month ago. Of course I know him."
16. (laughs)
17. Like, literally it's like, I- I for-... I'm forgetting everything. I wonder if it's just getting old.
18. G2Guest 2
  Uh, this is-
19. HOHost
  What? Something crazy?
20. G2Guest 2
  Yeah, all right. So this is the explanation I just read on this, corrosiondoctors.org, which I don't know the validity of it, but... Uh, so it was camel hair that was used as the felt material.
21. HOHost
  Mm-hmm.
22. G2Guest 2
  In order to soften that up and speed up the softening process, they would use camel urine to process that.
23. HOHost
  Mm-hmm.
24. Yeah, of course.
25. G2Guest 2
  So as that became more popular, the French-... workmen that were doing that would use their own urine-
26. HOHost
  Hmm.
27. G2Guest 2
  ... to soften it. Some of them were being treated for syphilis-
28. HOHost
  Whoa.
29. G2Guest 2
  ... with mercury-
30. HOHost
  Whoa.
46:09 – 48:39
Cancel culture, Twitter pile-ons, and why mobs resemble public executions
1. HOHost
  If you criticize someone for something and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kinda joke ... Like, if you, if you get real social justice-y-
2. Yeah.
3. ... about a bit, and then we go, "Oh, look at this ten years ago, you fuck."
4. Yeah.
5. "You did the exact same jokes."
6. It's like, I mean, that's what people do on Twitter all the time.
7. Oh, yeah.
8. They're just like-
9. That's my favorite.
10. It's so great, 'cause people are like, "I can't believe you'd do this. This is so racist." And then, of course, minutes later, it's like, "Yeah, and so were these times you used the N-word back in 2012." (laughs)
11. G2Guest 2
  (laughs)
12. HOHost
  Well, back in the n- the early days of Twitter, no one totally understood what it was.
13. Well, for me, it was, I was still had a day job, and I used it every day. I just wrote jokes-
14. Yeah.
15. ... all of the time, just, like, constantly. I'd read news stories and I'd practice joke writing. I had five followers, and I was brand new to standup. You know? Like, it was nothing. And then it became a place of importance, and I was like, "I gotta delete everything." (laughs)
16. Everything.
17. (laughs)
18. Every ... Once you start getting actual gigs, like, "Oh, no, this could fuck me," and then you gotta wonder, like, h- like, today, people just store and wait.
19. Yeah.
20. Like, they'll store and wait for you to get something. "Oh, Comedy Central wants to give you a show? Hm, I wonder if they know about this?"
21. Yeah.
22. "Michelle."
23. (laughs)
24. "You fucking piece of shit."
25. "Look what you said."
26. Yeah.
27. It's like, ugh, come on.
28. Yeah. Well, it's, it's also ... Back then, no one understood what it was.
29. Right.
30. Like, they didn't understand what they were doing, so it's like you thought you were talking shit to friends.
48:39 – 56:09
China, Hong Kong, free speech, and comedy’s collision with politics
1. HOHost
  Yeah.
2. ... tweeting updates. And ... Do, do you've been paying attention to Hong Kong?
3. Yes.
4. Holy shit. The videos from Hong Kong, they have not stopped.
5. Yeah. They-
6. They're still going strong.
7. The, the thing, the crazy thing is, like, you, you heard a little bit about it in America, and then when the NBA stuff happened, they were finally like ... Then, then everyone heard about Hong Kong, and you were like, "Wait, it took basketball to get this to make the news?" And even then, it was still SportsCenter.
8. Well, it was people didn't wanna criticize China. Look at that. Look at that fucking photo.
9. But also, I gotta say, again, shout out to China, is as soon as the basketball stuff started happening, the next morning, they were painting over murals and taking things down. I was like, "These guys do not fuck around."
10. What was the controversy?
11. It was one of the ... It was, like, a GM or something from the Houston Rockets. He tweeted something in support of the Hong Kong protests.
12. Oh.
13. And China immediately was like-"Nope, no more NBA. We're not putting it on the TV." And the thing is, a lot of NBA players have, like, huge shoe deals and, like, other endorsement deals in China, and, like, they might have an entirely separate shoe deal in China that's making them millions of dollars.
14. Oh.
15. And so the players were sorta like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." (laughs)
16. Hmm.
17. "Let's backtrack on this a little bit."
18. They did backtrack, right?
19. Yeah, and they-
20. Like, human rights are not that important. What's really important is Nikes.
21. Listen, I got ... Uh, China is at least a little bit upfront that they don't care about human rights. (laughs)
22. Sorta, right?
23. Like, like here, we kinda, like, gloss over it. We're like ... It's just we go, like, an extra step to pretend that we care about human rights, but we're not the best at it-
24. What's-
25. ... either.
26. We're not the best.
27. (laughs)
28. But we're th- ... We, we might be the best. Of the big countries?
29. Uh, I don't know.
30. Who's better? Canada?
56:09 – 1:17:01
Trans issues in sports, biological reality, and the fear of ‘asking questions’
1. HOHost
  This is where I wish we could get to with some of this stuff, is that you can be like, yes, you have... I appreciate and respect everything about you being able to be trans.
2. Yes.
3. I do not like you.
4. (laughs)
5. You're still... I don't, it's not because you're trans, it has nothing to do with you being trans. I don't like you as a person. I think you're a bad person. (laughs)
6. I don't know if she's a bad person, I just think she's kind of a dick.
7. Well, like, but that's where I wish we could get to-
8. Yeah. Right, right, right.
9. ... you know? Where it's like, it's like, no, no, no, this isn't about-
10. Well, you can kinda get to that.
11. This isn't about being anything, whatever the hot button issue that you are.
12. Right.
13. It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person.
14. Well, this is where the r- the loophole has gone into women and sports, right?
15. Yeah.
16. That's where it's gone in. And that's-
17. This drives me crazy.
18. It should drive you crazy. It drives me crazy too.
19. Yes.
20. It's women are... biological women are getting fucked.
21. Yes.
22. They're getting fucked over.
23. Yeah. Yeah.
24. And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlyn on top.
25. Yeah. (laughs)
26. They're getting fucked the worst way. And they're finally starting to step back, the Olympic weightlifting, the people who do powerlifting tournaments, they stopped it. They w- they won't let transgender women enter in and pretend to be a biological woman anymore.
27. Well, and there's one thing that, like, women have to... in order to, like, fight this correctly, women have to admit that men are physically stronger than us. And they 100% are. Men are stronger than women.
28. But that's a crazy thing to say. That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't. It's like these are biological facts.
29. Of course. But there's the thing, like, I mean, I've gotten into fights with people about Serena Williams, and they're saying like, "Well, she could beat any man." And I'm like, "She literally can't."
30. She can't.