Joe Rogan Experience #1396 - Michelle Wolf

Host 0:00 Mm. Yes! How many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure-

0:07 Uh.

0:07 ... over your life?

0:08 You know what? I like them.

0:09 Do you?

0:10 So, yeah.

0:10 What's the worst?

0:10 Bring them on.

0:12 (laughs)

0:12 Joe List constantly tries to get the nickname Wolf of Wall Street started. (laughs)

0:17 (laughs)

0:18 Every time I see him, he's like, "Wolf of Wall Street."

0:19 Why?

0:20 It's gonna catch on. He says it to no one.

0:22 (laughs)

0:22 It's gonna catch on. It's gonna catch on. (laughs)

0:26 You were saying that you like the turmeric coffee, but you don't like to admit that you like that stuff?

0:30 Yeah, I, like, recently got into, like, all this, like, kinda like, you know, this, like, new age-y health stuff and, and crystals.

0:40 You got into crystals?

0:41 I mean, a little bit. I'm on the fringe of the crystal, you know, might be-

0:44 For real?

0:44 ... wearing a little rose quartz.

0:46 Mm-hmm.

0:46 And, uh ... (laughs)

0:48 What are you ... Like, what's the thought behind being into crystals?

0:51 I hon- honestly think it's a lot of it's, like, just in your 30s at some point.

0:55 Oh, okay.

0:56 As a woman, I think you get into crystals.

0:58 Yeah, if you don't get a kid or a dog. (laughs)

0:59 Yeah, you're kinda just like, you're just like, "You know what? Maybe I can bring some energy-"

1:04 (laughs)

1:04 "... from somewhere." It's like, it's like, "Why not?"

1:06 Start burning sage.

1:07 Yeah.

1:08 (humming sound)

1:09 Yeah. (laughs) I don't think it'll last forever. I just think I'm in a little bit of a, a little bit of a crystal phase right now.

1:17 A, like a spiritual phase?

1:18 A kind of, yeah.

1:20 Yeah?

1:20 I was, like, thinking about ... Oh my God, this is so embar- (laughs) Why am I starting so embarrassing? I was thinking about maybe looking up, like, shamans in New York, you know?

1:27 Whoa.

1:27 To be like, "Maybe I can get, like ... Just explore the spiritual universe a little bit." I think it means I'm lonely. (laughs)

Host 1:34 It probably means you're lonely. But, y- like, shamans, like, do you wanna do drugs?

1:40 Oh, I mean, I'd be ... I, I'd love to do ayahuasca.

1:42 Yeah, so that's ... If ... They're not gonna be listed. You're gonna have to find somewhere.

1:46 Right. (laughs)

1:46 You can't just, like, right Google them. Some, some narc can just kinda Google-

1:51 (laughs)

1:51 ... Google ayahuasca. You could get away with it f- legally right now in Oakland, if you go to Oakland.

1:57 Oh, yeah?

1:57 Yeah, Oakland decl- they fucking stepped up. They decriminalized everything.

2:01 Yeah, mushrooms are good.

2:02 Psychedelics, mushrooms, everything.

2:03 Yeah.

2:03 Everything. They're like, "Fuck it, do it."

2:05 Yeah.

2:05 Yeah, which is what we need. With ... Slowly but surely, that's gonna be the whole country.

2:09 I, mushrooms are ... I love mushrooms.

2:12 Wanna do some right now?

2:13 Uh, I, I have too many other things to do today. (laughs) Although-

2:17 (laughs)

2:17 ... I recently did them, and I all of a sudden ... I didn't realize this had happened on mushrooms. I got so giggly. Like-

2:24 Oh, yeah. If you take the right amount, you get super giggly.

2:26 Like just giggled for hours. I was like-

2:29 (laughs)

2:29 ... "Oh, this is the best."

2:30 (laughs)

2:30 This is ... I was-

2:31 Yeah.

2:31 ... I'm sure I was annoying to everyone around me, which is also pretty normal, but like ... (laughs) You know, I'm, I'm giggling nonstop at anything.

2:40 Well, a lot of people are microdosing now, and what they're doing is they're taking a level of ... They're taking, like, enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it. It's like you're, it's like knocking on the door, feeling it. Like, almost there, but they report this amazing alleviation of anxiety. They feel super creative and really friendly, and all these, like, powerful, positive vibes, but they're basically sober.

3:04 Yeah, I don't know. Does it affect you along, like, if you-

3:07 A long time?

3:07 ... actually wanted to take-

3:10 Oh, to blast off?

3:10 Like, yeah. Would you have to take, like-

3:11 No.

3:11 ... an extraordinary amount?

3:13 No. You can always blast off.

3:15 (laughs)

3:15 (laughs) You're, you're gonna be able to blast off every single time.

3:18 Yeah.

3:18 I, I couldn't imagine that somehow or another it would get in the way.

3:21 Yeah.

3:21 The, the feeling that happens when you take a large dose, where it's like you just feel the, the tingling and you get fucking scared.

3:27 Yeah.

3:27 Like, that shit's common.

3:28 I alwa- I, I always have to put my hand here for hours.

3:31 (laughs)

3:32 Just, like, on my heart. Like, I'm just like ...

Host 3:34 At the, uh, beginning of the, the, the Gulf War, like, right after 9/11, Stanhope and I got fucked up on mushrooms, like the day of the war, and we were watching TV, and they were like, "War coverage."

3:46 "We all gotta serve our country some way." (laughs)

3:48 Yes. That's how we, that's how we do it.

3:49 (laughs)

3:50 (clears throat) We get high and watch TV. And we were watching TV and they said, "War coverage begins today at 5:00." And he goes, "Holy shit, there's a kickoff for the war."

4:01 (laughs)

4:01 (laughs)

4:01 (laughs)

4:01 I, I don't ev- the, the whole ... That war, the-

4:04 (laughs)

4:05 That war beg- it, like ... The invasion of Iraq, the more, most recent one, not Desert Storm, but the most recent one, that is s- forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him saying, "Holy shit, there's a kickoff." (laughs)

4:18 There's a coin toss. (laughs)

4:21 It was so weird.

4:22 That would make war more fun-

4:24 Yeah.

4:24 ... if they were like, they broadcast it like a game. (laughs)

4:26 It would, right? Yeah. W-

4:28 They're like, "Flag on the play. There are some IEDs."

4:32 It might be, it might be the future. Like, when, when you have, uh, robot wars.

4:37 No, I don't-

4:37 'Cause in the future, I don't think people are gonna be fighting people.

4:40 Robots scare me.

4:41 They should.

4:42 So much. I don't know why we're making them. I don't. I was doing a gig at MIT recently, and I spent like the first 10 minutes yelling at them to stop making robots.

4:50 (laughs)

4:50 They make these cheetahs.

4:52 Yeah.

4:52 Why are you making robot cheetahs? What is the point of that, other than-

4:56 Well, that's Boston Dynamics.

4:57 (laughs)

4:57 That's not, that's not MIT.

4:59 Well, yeah, but they, like, they, uh ... But they're all the same people. They're all working together.

5:04 Does Lex ... Lex works at MIT. Yeah, he's a professor at MIT, Lex Fridman, who's a, a specialist in AI. He's been on this podcast a couple times before. Yeah.

5:11 Hm.

5:12 They see, they're a little bit too blasé about it.

5:14 Yeah. No, I don't like it. I'm not a fan. I won't even have an Alexa in my home.

5:18 Oh, don't f- fuck that. They're listening.

5:20 Yeah.

5:20 They're listening. Yeah.

5:21 And I also feel like that, like, like 10 years from now, people are gonna be like, "Uh, do you remember she said she didn't wanna have an Alexa in her home?"

5:28 Yeah.

5:28 Like, that's, like, gonna be the new racist.

5:30 Scarlet letter.

5:30 You hate robots. (laughs)

5:31 Yeah. They're gonna put a mark in your door.

5:33 I'll never be senator now.

5:35 Yeah. They'll put a black X on your door.

5:37 Yeah.

5:37 Doesn't like robots.

5:38 Hate them, hate them.

5:39 Never be senator.

5:41 (laughs)

5:41 You don't wanna be f- ... You're not gonna run for shit, right?

5:43 No.

5:43 Never.

5:44 Never.

5:44 Never.

5:45 I'm having too much fun.

5:47 Yeah.

5:47 Why would you wanna stop having fun?

Host 5:50 But did you think about, like, when, when Trump was giving you a hard time, did you, did you think, "Hey, motherfucker, if I ran against you, I could really fuck you up." Did you ever think about that-

5:59 No.

5:59 ... for a second while he was, while he was tweeting against you and all the, all the craziness that was going there?

6:04 Never. Well, I'm like, for ... It didn't even occur to me, but also, I'm, I'm still 34. So I couldn't-

6:10 (laughs)

6:10 ... even run if I wanted to.

6:11 How old do you have to be, 36?

6:12 35.

6:13 35? You're close.

6:13 That's the only qualification for president.

6:16 You can start talking.

6:16 35 and born here. (laughs)

6:18 Yeah, right? Isn't that crazy?

6:20 There should be more.

6:20 Born there is important.

6:21 Yeah.

6:21 Born here is super important.

6:22 Yeah.

6:23 'Cause you don't want anybody sneaking in and just ruining the entire country-

6:26 Yeah.

6:26 ... on the sneak tip.

6:27 Although, if I was, like, I'd be like a long game terrorist.

6:30 Yeah.

6:31 You know, like, be like, "Yeah, they were born here, but th- they were incels the whole time." (laughs)

6:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half the kids over here.

6:37 This is three generations of Americans. (laughs)

6:40 Get the plan in advance.They, they do, they do plan, some terrorists and some organizations do plan things way, way, way in advance.

6:48 Yeah.

6:48 That's like the thing they say about China, that China plans things, like, hundreds of years out.

6:53 Yeah, they're good at it.

6:54 Yeah.

6:54 Yeah. They're really... We underestimate China.

6:57 Well, how about that fucking wall? How long did that take to make?

7:00 I don't know. Probably like six days, knowing how hard they work. (laughs)

7:04 (laughs) I think it took hundreds of years.

7:07 They were just like, "No, we got this. Don't worry."

7:08 They were just getting tired of being invaded.

7:11 They... I mean, the- that country is like... I mean, they invented everything.

7:17 Everything.

7:18 And they-

7:18 They've been around forever.

7:19 They've been around forever, and like-

7:21 Yeah.

7:21 And we just, we're like, "No, no reason to be scared of them."

7:24 They've been China forever.

7:25 Forever.

7:26 Forever.

7:27 Yeah.

7:27 Yeah. I mean, America's a baby, a little tiny baby. Ah.

7:30 We're a little... Yeah, we're a little baby. We're little asshole babies. Not even... (laughs)

7:34 (laughs) They have bombs. They have the best electronics. They steal everything.

7:38 Yeah.

7:39 All the intellectual property, they're like, "Fuck you." They don't have any rules.

7:41 Yeah. I used to work-

7:42 They're like, "No, no, we copy."

7:43 I used to work at this tech company, and like, we had a lot of Chinese people that worked. It was a computational biochemistry research lab, so of course we had a lot of Chinese people that worked there because they were-

7:52 What are you trying to say?

7:53 ... very smart and qualified. (laughs)

7:56 (laughs) That sounds racist.

7:57 But (laughs) , and that's my favorite thing is like, when you're like, "You're racist." I just said you were smart. (laughs)

8:03 Yeah, we said you're amazing.

8:04 Um-

8:04 Is it racist that you guys are amazing?

8:06 Well, then people, they get, they're like, they're like, "Not all Chinese people are doing well." And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm sure there's Chinese people that aren't doing well. But, you know, their parents never talk about them." (laughs)

8:14 Well, there's a lot of Chinese people. When you say not all Chinese people are doing well, there's fucking a billion of them.

8:19 Yeah, I mean there's plenty that aren't doing well, but the ones that are doing well are doing really well.

8:25 Yeah, you're concentrating on the glass as half empty.

8:27 Yeah.

8:28 I mean, really.

8:28 But the-

8:28 There's a billion people.

8:29 (laughs) The Chinese people that worked at this, uh, tech company, if they were Chinese nationals, they were only allowed to have access to certain parts.

8:38 Ah.

8:38 Like there were certain parts they had to keep separate from them and they couldn't know about.

8:42 Did they come over and stare at your computer?

8:44 (laughs) I had one guy who worked there-

8:46 Like, "Hey, what are you working on?" (laughs)

8:48 (laughs) And me, I'm just like, "I'm just recruiting new people to work here. You're not (laughs) gonna get anything from me. I don't understand what we're doing here." But the one guy who worked there, he came over, didn't know any English, and he learned English by watching Seinfeld.

9:03 Oh.

9:03 So, I kid you not, he had this Seinfeld cadence that he spoke with.

9:07 Oh. "Where, where is the break room?" (laughs)

9:11 And he'd enter rooms a little bit like Kramer.

9:15 No.

9:15 I swear, not the full thing, but every time he'd come into the office, he'd be like, "Whoa." (laughs)

9:20 No. Really?

9:22 I swear.

9:22 Whoa. That's weird. I wonder if there's an equivalent show in China, where if you went over there and tried to learn Mandarin from a television show, like what would you concentrate on?

9:30 (laughs) Yeah, it's like, like a- a way to hold your... I'm gonna get too racist. Hold on. (laughs)

9:36 (laughs) Chopsticks.

9:37 Yeah. (laughs)

9:37 Don't say it.

9:38 Don't say it. Don't say it.

Host 9:38 Isn't it funny that chop- chopsticks is racist? No, it's racial, you fucks. There's a difference between racial and racist.

9:45 Yeah, exactly.

9:45 I enjoy Chopsticks.

9:46 Yeah.

9:46 It's a great way to eat salad, by the way.

9:48 It's a great way to eat slower. (laughs)

9:51 Yeah. Well, yeah, if you wanna eat rice. Yeah, it's really slow.

9:54 Yeah, yeah.

9:54 But if you wanna eat salad, it's like the best way to eat salad.

9:56 That's actually-

9:56 I eat salad with chopsticks.

9:58 Yeah.

9:58 Yeah. You could really-

9:59 Because you ever try to like grab-

10:00 Yeah.

10:00 ... get a fork in a tomato?

10:01 It's fucking hard.

10:02 Yeah. (laughs)

10:02 But you can grab a lot of lettuce with them chopsticks, you know?

10:06 (laughs) I'm gonna try that next time.

10:07 Yeah, fuck yeah. And like, forks with sushi? Get the fuck outta here. You have to use chopsticks.

10:13 Yeah.

10:13 It's a great-

10:13 Or your hands.

10:14 Yeah.

10:14 I use my hands a lot.

10:15 You're an animal.

10:16 Yeah.

10:16 Look at you.

10:16 Yeah. (laughs)

10:16 Savage, like a wolf. (howls)

10:19 Let's see how many we can get in this podcast. (laughs)

10:23 Mm, we can get a couple. I got some photos of wolves. Did you see those wolves out there?

10:26 Oh, I saw those wolves.

10:27 Crazy, right?

10:27 I have wolf paw tattoo-

10:29 Yeah.

10:29 ... on my side.

10:30 Do you really?

10:31 Yeah.

10:31 How much do you regret that? A lot? Or really a lot?

10:34 I love them. (laughs)

10:35 (laughs)

10:36 But people, they're always like, they're like-

10:38 (laughs)

10:38 ... "Are those cat paws?" And I'm like, "Yeah, whatever." (laughs)

10:41 (laughs)

10:41 "That fits too." (laughs)

10:42 Yeah, whatever. That's a weird one, the dog paw tattoo. That's like a common weird one.

10:47 Yeah. Is it?

10:48 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like barbed wire.

10:50 Oh, yeah. I love a, I love a good barbed wire tattoo. (laughs)

10:54 (laughs)

10:54 You got any barbed wire?

10:55 No.

10:56 Oh.

10:56 I got two sleeves though.

10:57 Yeah.

10:58 Both of these, both these arms are sleeved.

10:59 Yeah.

11:00 But it's all traditional J- Well, it's not really traditional Japanese stuff, but it's like, um, Japanese new style American stuff.

11:08 Oh.

11:08 Yeah. No paws.

11:10 No paws.

11:11 Not that I wouldn't have got one.

11:12 I mean-

11:12 I'm lucky I didn't get a tattoo until I was like 25, and I didn't get sleeved till I was in my 30s.

11:17 Yeah.

11:18 Because I would have made some shit choices.

11:20 That should be a 30s decision.

11:21 Oh, God. I see these kids today, they're fucking 18, they got face tattoos. Like, bro.

11:26 Yeah. (laughs)

11:26 Slow down.

11:28 It's such a fun decision to make-

11:30 Oh.

11:30 ... for your whole life.

11:32 Like Post Malone, that kid's talented as fuck. Really talented.

11:36 Yeah.

11:36 But always tired? You tattooed "always tired" on your face?

11:40 I, every time I see a picture of him, I get angry. (laughs)

11:45 (laughs)

11:45 I just wanna be like... I, I spend... I don't spend a ton of time in hair and makeup, but anytime-

11:52 (laughs)

11:52 ... I have something, there's at least a little hair and makeup. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, "Why can't we just be that?" Like...

12:00 Well, I think what he's doing and what a lot of people are doing is they're, they're like going way overboard to not give a fuck. Just like scribbling on their face.

Host 12:08 Oh, yeah. Did you see the Lizzo thing from the Lakers game last night?

12:11 What, no, what you... Did you feel that?

Guest 2 12:13 Yeah, it was the truck and...

Host 12:14 Oh, I thought it was an earthquake.

Guest 2 12:14 Happens all the time. I do too.

Host 12:15 I panicked.

Guest 2 12:16 Every day.

Host 12:16 Oh, I've never been here for an earthquake.

12:17 Oh, I'm, we're due.

12:19 Uh-oh.

12:19 We're due for a big one.

12:20 Oh, that's what everyone keeps saying. (laughs)

12:21 They said that there was a recent shift in one of the tectonic plates that, uh, they... It was the first time it moved in 500 years.

12:29 Uh-oh.

12:29 And they're like, "Oh, Jesus."

12:32 Yeah. (laughs)

12:33 The other place I was thinking of moving to was Bozeman, Montana. You know why, Jamie? Because it's right next to Yellowstone. So if it blows-

Guest 2 12:39 They're gone.

Host 12:39 ... it blows right on your fucking head.

12:42 Wait, if the, like the geyser?

12:44 Well, do you know what Yellowstone is?

12:46 It's, like, a, got, like, a bunch of water under it, right?

12:48 Oh.

12:48 Hot water?

12:49 Much, much, much, much, much more than that.

12:52 (laughs)

12:52 It's a continent destroyer.

12:53 'Cause I'm like, "It's just hot water, right?" (laughs)

12:55 It's a continent destroyer. It's a caldera volcano. They didn't find out about it until satellites.

12:59 Wait, is that the geyser?

13:01 Oh, it's way more than the geyser.

13:02 Okay.

13:02 The, the geyser's there, but the geyser is a result of underground volcanic activity.

13:06 Cool, cool.

13:06 There's a super volcano-

13:08 (laughs)

13:08 ... under Yellowstone that's so fucking big that when they first saw it, they didn't know what it was.

13:12 Uh-huh.

13:13 And then they realized it when they started looking at satellite images, that it's essentially what happens when a volcano just completely explodes and the mountain disappears and it becomes like a crater.

13:22 Yeah.

13:22 So the whole top just blows up. And it happens every 600 to 800,000 years, and the last time it happened was about 600,000 years ago.

13:29 Uh-oh.

13:30 They have thousands of earthquakes there.

13:32 (laughs)

13:33 (coughs) And-

13:33 And you wanna live there?

13:34 Great place to live.

Guest 2 13:35 Mm-hmm.

Host 13:35 Yeah.

13:36 It's beautiful.

13:36 Oh, it's great out there, but-

13:37 Oh, it's so pretty.

13:38 ... you wanna b- you wanna be there for the explosion?

13:40 Well, I feel like if it blows, you wanna be there because you don't wanna be one of those people eating people.

13:44 Yeah. (laughs)

13:45 You know?

13:45 Oh, that's true.

13:46 You don't want that.

13:46 Yeah, I never... That's why I never understood, uh, like, shelter, bomb shelters and stuff like that. It's like-

13:52 Yeah, preppers.

13:52 No, no, I'd rather-

13:53 Yeah.

13:53 ... I'd not be... I'd rather not be around.

13:55 If an asteroid hits, you want it to hit you.

13:57 Yeah.

13:57 You, you literally wanna see that giant city-sized thing just coming straight at you.

14:01 Yeah.

14:02 Just close your eyes and let's see what happens when you die.

14:04 Yeah. I don't want any shrapnel.

14:06 Yeah.

14:07 I want the full-

14:08 No, you don't want that.

14:08 I want the full asteroid to my face.

14:10 Well, there's been a bunch of super volcanoes that have killed people. There's one of them that we were, um, (coughs) we were talking about. Um, what island was that, Jamie? There was one that happened somewhere around, I think it was Indonesia, where it killed most of the population on Earth, where they were... It was about 70,000 years ago.

14:30 (clears throat)

14:30 They were down to just a few thousand human beings.

Guest 2 14:33 T- Toba.

Host 14:34 Toba. Is that near Indonesia or am I making that up?

Guest 2 14:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Host 14:39 (coughs)

Guest 2 14:40 Sumatra.

Host 14:41 Sumatra, yeah. You know-

14:41 So where were the thousand people though?

14:43 They had good coffee. I'm having good coffee.

14:44 Yeah, great coffee. (laughs)

14:44 Well, the thousand... A few thousand people other places other than that.

14:48 Yeah.

14:49 'Cause what happens is you get, like, nuclear winter.

14:51 Yeah.

14:51 Where the entire atmosphere gets filled with vol- volcanic dust, and it gets freezing cold. It blocks out the sun, animals die. Look at that bitch. Whoo.

14:59 Wow.

14:59 75,000 years ago.

15:01 But look how pretty it is now.

15:02 (coughs)

Guest 2 15:02 Eh.

Host 15:03 (laughs)

15:04 It's gorgeous. Yeah, it's gorgeous now. But I mean, when you see mountains, that's the result of activity, you know. That's a result of plates moving and-

15:12 Yeah.

15:13 ... shit moving upwards. Upwards, upwards, upwards.

15:17 Wait, but the... We were talk... The, um, people-

15:19 (clears throat)

Host 15:19 ... really trying not to care. The Lakers game last night, Lizzo.

15:23 Oh, Jesus. Is that her?

15:24 She... Yeah, so-

15:25 What is she doing there?

15:26 And I actually, I went to the game last night and she wore this T-shirt that had this big hole in the back and she was just wearing a thong out of it.

15:34 Hmm.

15:35 My theory is that she forgot underwear and then cut it and she was like, "I can fashion it out of this hole." But-

15:42 I think that's calculated.

15:44 She, um... First of all, she's sitting on a seat.

15:47 Right there?

15:48 Right there.

15:48 Okay.

15:49 Her butt is on that plastic Delta courtside seat. (laughs)

15:54 Well, you know, Lil Duval? You know Lil Duval?

15:56 Mm-hmm.

15:57 He had a great point. He put it on his, uh, his Twitter page. He said, "How come when little, skinny hot girls wear no clothes, everybody gets mad at them and calls them sluts? But when big, giant girls..." I don't think he said, "Big, giant girls." I think he just said, "Big." I added "giant."

16:13 (laughs)

16:13 He's like when, when (laughs) , when big girls, when big girls dress like that, everybody celebrates.

16:20 Uh, I... Well, my biggest problem with it is that, like, it's... You'll see all these women, I'm sure, being like, "She's just confident. She's confident." And I'm like, why does it still have to be... Like, it doesn't matter, it's still wrapped up in women, like, needing to feel sexy to feel confident.

16:35 Right.

16:36 Where I'm like...

16:37 Right.

16:38 Or you can just be a really good artist. (laughs)

16:41 No. No, to be confident, you have to be... You have to stick your ass out.

16:44 Yeah.

16:44 Super important.

16:45 Yeah, it's very important.

16:46 That's what people do when they're confident.

16:48 Yeah.

16:48 It's like when baboons, when they're, they're in estrus.

16:50 (laughs)

16:50 Look at her there, dancing around. Well, you also gotta remember, she's only been getting a lot... Oh, Jesus Christ.

16:58 (laughs)

16:59 (coughs) How long has she been getting attention for? It hasn't been that long.

17:03 I feel like I've only known about her for, like, a year.

17:06 Yeah. So this is all new, you know.

17:08 Yeah.

17:09 Look, it's like she's got an old iPhone.

17:12 (laughs)

Guest 2 17:12 (laughs)

Host 17:12 (laughs) You see that iPhone? Back that up, Jamie.

Guest 2 17:14 Yeah.

Host 17:15 (laughs)

17:15 Back that up. That, that shit had bezels on it. Look. See the bezels on that phone? Back up. Look at that. See that? See the top, see the bottom? She's got an old iPhone.

17:23 So do I.

17:24 Yeah. Do you?

17:25 Yeah, I don't-

17:25 Oh, you, you might be one of them weird people that just do it as a choice.

17:28 (laughs) I just don't want a bigger phone.

17:30 Oh, okay.

17:31 Doesn't fit in my pocket.

17:32 I get it. They're, they're coming out with a new one, a new iPhone that's a real small one.

17:36 Yeah.

17:36 Like a four-inch one.

17:37 You should call it a lady phone.

17:38 Lady phone.

17:39 See how mad people get.

17:39 Well, or for people that are tired of fucking staring at their screen all day. Maybe it'd be, like, less interesting if it was little.

17:44 Are you one of those people that wants to get into, like, flip phones again?

17:48 No, I have thought about getting a flip phone, but the problem is everybody iMessages me.

17:53 Yeah.

17:54 And then that'll, that gets... I f- I switched over to Android before. It becomes a disaster.

17:57 Yeah.

17:57 You miss half the messages. Apple fucks you.

18:00 Yeah.

18:00 They're trying, they're trying to keep you from switching over.

18:02 Of course.

18:03 Yeah.

18:03 It's genius.

18:04 Yeah. It's...

18:04 (laughs)

18:04 Well, when they figured out the, the blue text too, the blue bubble carries status.

18:10 Yeah.

18:10 You know?

18:11 Yeah.

18:11 Someone with a green bubble, just like, like, what, what's wrong with you? Like, what, what are you doing?

18:16 Yeah. It j- I mean, get your life together.

18:17 Or you're one of them tech weirdos. Like, deep, deep, deep in tech, like you use Linux, you know.

18:22 Oh, yeah, yeah.

18:23 You know.

18:23 You're just, like, coding all the time.

18:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

18:25 A little bit like you have your own, like, you made, like, your own phone program.

18:28 Yeah. Like what does it-

18:29 (laughs)

18:29 What do they do with their phones when they, they don't... It's not jailbreaking. You do that with an iPhone, but you do something different with the...

Guest 2 18:34 Same thing.

Host 18:34 Is it the same?

Guest 2 18:35 I think it's the same thing, yeah.

Host 18:36 I thought it was a... I thought it had a different name. 'Cause I don't think it's jail.

Guest 2 18:38 Oh, I know what you mean. Uh...

Host 18:40 (coughs) What is it called? It's like you do something-

Guest 2 18:42 There's various- there's various words for it. Depends on l- boot loading, stuff like that.

Host 18:45 Yeah, the, something like that. So basically what they do is they-... erase everything off of the phone, start fresh with a clean version of Android.

18:54 Oh, great.

18:55 And then they add their own skins-

18:56 (laughs)

18:56 ... and they add their own loaders and... (inhales deeply) (exhales deeply)

19:00 Whatever makes them happy, you know? (laughs)

19:02 Launchers, they have launchers, different launchers. "Which launcher are you using?" They get really geeked out, 'cause with Android, you could change everything.

19:08 Yeah, well, I don't care.

19:09 I went back and forth. I tried, I tried Android to see, but, uh, the, the Apple experience is smoother.

19:16 Yeah.

19:16 It's a smoother experience.

Host 19:18 I have a friend who only uses an iPad, and is only... Can only get messages when it's connected to wifi.

19:24 Whoa.

19:25 Yeah. It's very frustrating when you're trying to get ahold of that person. (laughs)

19:30 I have a friend who does that too.

19:32 It's just like, well, I guess-

19:32 Is it your friend Ari Shaffir?

19:34 Um, I mean, Ari does it too, yeah.

19:36 Yeah.

19:36 But, uh, yeah, it's the same kind of thing.

19:38 Oh, I know another guy who does that too. I bet I know who you're talking about.

19:40 Maybe.

19:41 Yeah. Yeah, he does that.

19:42 Uh, but, yeah, Ari... I mean, he'll get-

19:46 Well, Ari is an addict.

19:47 (laughs)

19:47 And he knows it. He understands it, and I, I respect the fact that he made a proactive move-

19:53 Yeah.

19:53 ... to, like, say, "Look, this is... This is fucking dumb. I have to, uh, figure out a way to not stare at my phone all day. I'll just get a flip phone."

20:00 Right.

20:01 But then he was, like, texting with the thumbs, doing that T9 thing, like... Oof.

20:06 (laughs) Attell has a flip phone.

20:07 Mm. Oh, yeah. Well, he has an iPhone too.

20:10 Oh, all right.

20:10 Like, literally, iPhone 2. Like, the number two.

20:13 Yeah. (laughs)

20:13 He does. It is. It, it is a second generation iPhone. It's hilarious.

20:17 (laughs)

20:17 He pulls it out of his pocket, like, what? It's like, like, fucking receipts and diner matches and shit.

20:23 (laughs)

20:23 Like, he pulls out this old ass iPhone. Attell's hilarious. Not just hilarious as a comic, but hilarious as a human character.

20:30 He's one of my favorites. He... Every once in a while, he'll do, like, a joke check, and you'll get this weird text from him that's like-

20:36 Hmm.

20:36 ... "Hey, does anyone have anything about raccoons and cats eating flags or something?" You know? It's, like, just a combination-

20:43 (laughs)

20:43 ... of, like, it's like a Mad Lib.

20:44 Yeah.

20:44 You're like, "No, I've, I've not heard that one before." (laughs)

20:48 Well, I guess when you're a guy like him too, if you're writing joke jokes all the time, like, everything's a joke joke.

20:52 Yeah.

20:53 Like, he... You never know if you heard that before. Like, you, you don't... Your, like, your memory only holds so much.

20:59 Of course. And, and he's, like... I mean, it... His joke, he is all punchline.

21:05 Yes.

21:06 It's... That's all it is.

21:07 Ba-dum-bum-chh.

21:08 Yeah.

21:08 Yeah. (laughs)

21:08 And it's great.

21:09 It's fucking the best.

21:10 But it is one of those things where it's like, "Yeah, does anyone have jokes about, like, s'mores and-"

21:14 (laughs)

21:15 "... and hot air balloons," you know? (laughs)

21:16 He's, to me, to me, he's the most underappreciated master of our age.

21:21 Yeah.

21:21 You know? Like, he's a, like, legitimate master comedian. And, you know, he doesn't get the kind of love that he should, like, from the general public, because he has zero marketing.

21:32 Right.

21:32 Zero anything other than people saying he's awesome and people seeing him be awesome.

21:37 Yeah.

21:38 You know? And he's one of the rare guys that got sober and got better.

21:42 He really did. And also, he'll bring candy to the club every once in a while, which, I, I love candy, so-

21:47 Really?

21:47 ... I'm always happy. (laughs)

21:49 Wait, he gives it to people?

21:49 Like, he'll just bring bags of candy to the cellar every once in a while. And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I did win a little Baby Ruth." (laughs)

21:55 (laughs) Just brings candy for people?

21:56 Yeah. (laughs)

21:58 He's the best. Everybody loves him. Like, nobody will tell you they hate Attell.

22:01 Yeah, he's-

22:01 I've never heard that once.

22:02 He had this one, um... There's this one story of him doing crowd work. There was, like, a group of, like, um, uh, Latina women in the front, and mean mugging the whole time, just arms crossed, like, every... Enough that comics were talking about it, you know, like, after their set, they'd be like, "Yeah, but then there's these women in the front. We couldn't break them at all." Attell gets on stage, looks immediately at them, and he... And she goes, and he goes, "Oh, why so sad? Did Selena die again?" (laughs)

22:35 (laughs) Aah! Oh.

22:36 (laughs)

22:36 Oh my God, that's funny.

22:38 And they imme-

22:38 Did Selena die again?

22:39 Everyone, everyone laughed. They laughed. Like, it's just, like...

22:43 (laughs)

22:43 But he has that, like, laser vision, where he can just... He, like, sees it in the crowd.

22:47 (laughs)

22:48 He has the perfect reference for it.

22:50 Oh, "Did Selena die again?" Holy shit, that's funny. Oh my God, that's funny. It's... They'd have to laugh at that.

22:58 You have to. You can't not.

23:00 Oh my God, that's so funny.

23:02 (laughs)

23:02 "Did Selena die again?" Holy fuck. Oh my God.

23:09 He's one of the greatest.

23:10 For sure. Like, legitimately one of the greatest ever. Just doesn't get enough credit.

23:14 But there's a lot of com... In that, in comedy right now too. Like, I mean, he's been around for decades and should definitely be, like, widely loved.

23:21 Who else?

23:22 Um, but, like, yeah, there... Some of the younger guys too, it's like, you know, like, this... Mark Normand, Sam Morril, Dan Soder-

23:28 Mark Normand's getting a lot of love.

23:30 Joe List.

23:30 Soder just had a special.

23:31 Yeah.

23:31 Just happened.

23:31 I'm not saying they're not getting some, it's just, like, I feel like they're all underappreciated.

23:36 Hmm.

23:36 You know? Like, they're guys that are, like, great joke writers, you know? And it's, like, hard for them to sell specials now, 'cause it's, you know. I don't know. People are like, "You're a straight White guy."

23:46 Is that real?

23:48 I think it is, yeah.

23:49 But isn't, like, um... I mean, there are straight White guys. What's that, that fuck... John Mulaney. He's a straight White guy, allegedly.

23:57 Yeah. (laughs) Pretty sure he is. Yeah.

23:59 He... But he has characteristics-

24:02 (laughs)

24:02 ... that make you go, "Hmm."

24:02 I mean, he does. He, he looks nice. He's presentable. He has a small dog, you know?

24:09 There's a lot going on there.

24:09 But I'm pretty, I'm pretty confident.

24:12 He's dressed as well.

24:13 Yeah, yeah.

24:13 Stylish.

24:14 Stylish.

24:15 Very good comic though.

24:16 I think he's just old-timey.

24:17 He's a very nice guy. Yes.

24:18 You know?

24:18 That's right it is. They were gay in the old days.

24:21 Yeah. (laughs)

24:21 Like, that's why The Flintstones will have a gay old time. (laughs) Right?

24:27 Oh, now I just wanna see a gay Flintstones remake.

24:30 Oh. They should do that. Be inclusive. Don't be bigots. Like-

24:34 You're gonna remake all these shows, let's, let's do a gay Flintstones.

24:37 Like, if you think back, like Fred Astaire, and things like that.

24:41 Yeah.

24:41 If there, if there was a guy like that today, you'd be like, "That poor guy. Come out of the closet."

24:44 Of course you would.

24:45 Yeah. Dancing around.

24:45 And you're just like, you're just like, "No, he's just a straight tap dancer." (laughs)

24:49 No chance. Who the fuck is a straight tap dancer? Sorry, straight tap dancers.

24:53 Yeah.

24:54 I'm sure they-

24:54 Sorry, Savion Glover. Uh... (laughs)

24:57 There's gotta be straight tap dancers. I mean, they must exist, but... But White ones?White, straight tap dancers?

25:04 I mean-

25:05 Hmm.

25:06 I don't even know if white guys tap dance anymore.

25:08 There's a few. There's like four.

25:09 Yeah? (laughs)

25:10 Yeah.

25:10 Do you know 'em? (laughs)

25:11 No. They all live in Pennsylvania.

25:13 Hey!

25:13 They're all thinking of getting out.

Host 25:14 That's where I'm from. (laughs)

25:16 (laughs) My parent- my parents used to live outside of Wilkes-Barre.

25:20 Really?

25:21 Yeah.

25:21 I'm from Hershey.

25:22 Oh, shit.

25:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

25:23 Boy, it smells out there.

25:24 It... Yeah.

25:24 Cows, right?

25:25 Y- there's, uh... So in town, it would either smell like chocolate, 'cause of the factory-

25:29 Mm-hmm.

25:29 ... or poop.

25:30 Cows or chocolate?

25:32 Yeah.

25:32 Boy, that's a confusing way to grow up.

25:34 Yeah, it really is. (laughs)

25:36 How many people live in Hershey?

25:38 I think it's like 30,000 maybe.

25:39 Hmm. You get about 30,000 deer around there too.

25:42 Yeah, a lot of deer.

25:43 Good, good place to drive at night.

25:43 We have a day off of school for deer hunting.

25:45 Oh, day off school?

25:46 Yeah.

25:46 Really?

25:47 It was always-

25:47 Wow.

25:47 ... the Monday after Thanksgiving, that's when deer season started.

25:50 Pennsylvania's-

25:50 I, I've eaten a lot of venison.

25:52 I bet you have.

25:52 Yeah.

25:53 You want some? I got some.

25:54 I'm good right now.

25:55 Okay.

25:55 (laughs)

25:56 (laughs)

25:56 I used to eat venison bologna, like-

25:59 Venison bologna's delicious.

26:00 It's really good.

26:01 Yeah.

26:02 Yeah. Yeah.

26:02 You get, you get used to eating wild game, and you start preferring it.

26:06 Yeah, well, I-

26:06 I prefer it.

26:07 ... I have a lot of like... A lot of people I know that hunt out there, they're bow and arrow hunters.

26:11 Yeah.

26:11 Which I, I kinda appreciate that a lot.

26:13 That's what I do.

26:14 Yeah, really?

26:14 Yeah, that's all I do.

26:16 Oh.

26:16 I haven't hunted with a rifle in years.

26:19 Do you have to wait for a long time for things?

26:21 It's harder. It's more nerve-wracking, it's more difficult to make a good shot. It's, uh, it requires way more practice.

26:29 Mm-hmm.

26:30 Like, you could... If you know how to shoot a gun, like I... If I had a good rest with a rifle... I haven't shot... Well, I shot a rifle a couple months ago, but if I hadn't, uh, shot a rifle... Like, I shot an elk once when I hadn't shot a rifle in a year.

26:43 Yeah.

26:44 And all... Uh, uh, if you have a rest, and the rifle's on the rest, and the rest is steady, all it is about is trigger discipline. It's just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, boom. Let it go off on its own.

26:54 Mm-hmm.

26:54 Just don't jerk the trigger. Keep the crosshair on the animal, and it's not, not that hard.

26:58 Right.

26:59 But bow hunting is like a lifestyle.

27:01 Yeah.

27:01 It's a different thing. For the guys who do it, it's like when you eat something... Like, I... We ate elk last night at my house. I shot that elk with an... a bow and arrow in Utah, you know? Like, I was there. I saw-

27:12 Yeah.

27:12 ... everything. I, I cut it up. I, I carried it down.

27:15 Do you butcher it yourself?

27:16 I didn't butcher it myself, but we quartered it-

27:18 Yeah.

27:18 ... which means you take the legs off and the backstraps off, and you take all the big parts of meat. And then I send it to a butcher, and they'll make sausages and cut it into roasts.

27:26 Yeah, how do you get the elk back to California?

27:29 Cooler.

27:30 Just like on a-

27:30 Freeze it.

27:31 ... on a plane?

27:32 Yeah. Yup, yeah. Yeti, uh, Yeti coolers-

27:34 Mm-hmm.

27:34 ... they have these things called, um, a Yeti Hopper. So, it's like a bag, like a big bag, like about this big. And you can get two backstraps in there-

27:42 (laughs)

27:42 ... from an elk. Elk backstrap's like... You know, elk's a big animal.

27:44 Yeah.

27:45 It's 800-pound animal.

27:45 I just love the idea that there's all these people on planes with like-

27:49 Yeah.

27:49 ... with their... They're going to LA with their little dog, and they're like... (laughs)

27:53 (laughs)

27:53 And there's just like elk meat in storage. (laughs)

27:55 Yeah, I put it in the overhead.

27:57 You put it in the overhead?

27:58 Yeah, yeah.

27:59 Wait, for real.

28:00 For real.

28:01 Y- you have elk meat-

28:02 100%.

28:02 ... abo-... That's great.

28:04 That's how I carry it back.

28:05 I love this.

28:05 Yeah. Well, you have to... Look, if you... The... I could either send all of it to the... But the backstraps are so easy.

28:11 What happens when you put it through security? Are they like, "What's going on here?"

28:14 They go, "Oh, you got an elk."

28:15 Oh, really? (laughs)

28:16 Yeah, I shot an elk. Yeah. I mean, they know in... At places like Utah, they're used to that. That's-

28:21 Man, this makes me so mad, because I had an Alexander McQueen purse. You know the ones? You guys know Alexander McQueen purses, right?

28:28 (laughs)

28:28 (laughs) You're familiar with the line? They have ones that have like rings that you like... you put your hand through, and it's like a bunch of rings attached to the purse. Well, I brought it through security, and they were like, "No, you have to check this, because it looks like-"

28:43 Brass knuckles?

28:43 "... brass knuckles."

28:44 Oh, come on.

28:45 And so I had to check my McQueen purse, my little quilted patent leather McQueen purse.

28:52 That is so ridiculous.

28:52 And you couldn't bring elk?

Host 28:54 Well, Tony Hinchcliffe tried to bring a pool stick. We went to, uh... This is what's... This... Here's what's really crazy. We went to Phoenix this past weekend.

29:02 Mm-hmm.

29:02 We were working together, and, uh, my friend Scott Frost has a... Shout out to Scott Frost. Has a, a place in Tempe, this big pool hall. Scott's like a big time, um, gambler, pool player, professional pool player. Very famous guy in the world of pool. And so we were gonna go and play at his place. And so Tony brought his pool cue. And in LA, he didn't even check it. He just walked right through security with a pool cue. Pool cue is totally illegal to bring on a plane. So, we're walking around LAX, and I go, "Hey, man, you have a fucking pool cue with you?" He goes, "Yeah." I go, "How did you do that?" He goes, "I just walked right through."

29:35 (laughs)

29:35 I go, "What?" He goes, "Yeah, I just walked through." I go, "Dude, that's illegal. You can't have that." He goes, "I'm pretty sure it's legal now." So, on the way back from Phoenix, they were like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

29:45 (laughs)

29:45 And he's like, "Oh, I'm just gonna bring the pool cue on the plane." And they was like, "No, you're not. Go check that shit." So, he had to go back out. We had to hold onto his bags. He went back out, and he had to go back to the counter and check it and come back.

29:54 Wait, why is it so illegal? 'Cause you could poke-

29:57 So you can beat someone to death with it.

29:58 Oh, right. I was thinking poke.

30:01 So, p-

30:02 (laughs)

30:02 (laughs) You can p- I guess you could do that too.

30:04 You just... You go up to the, the, the... (laughs) You somehow get into the, uh, cockpit, and you're just like poking the back of their heads. You're like-

30:10 "Hey, we're going to, we're going to Egypt."

30:11 "They annoyed me so much." (laughs)

30:14 (laughs) "They made us fly to Miami." No, it's a hardwood club, basically.

30:19 Oh, that's... Yeah, I'm dumb. That's a better... That would be a better way to use a weapon. (laughs)

30:22 You know, how many, how many of you watched a Steven Seagal movie?

30:25 Oh, right, yeah.

30:26 They beat people up with pool cues. Whack, whack.

30:28 Yeah.

30:28 Right, does fucking karate on them and shit.

30:30 But there's so much stuff like that, that like-

30:32 Oh, yeah.

30:32 Well, they sell glass bottles-

30:34 Yeah.

30:34 ... inside the terminal, which you could break-

30:37 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

30:38 ... and then have a glass weapon.

30:40 Right, but, but don't they hold those? Like, when you have duty free, don't they hold onto that stuff and then you get it later or something?

30:45 I think you can buy glass bottles of like s- like sparkling water in like-

30:50 Hmm.

30:50 In... Throughout the thing. I think you can.

30:53 Yeah, you definitely can buy a bottle of water, like a water bottle. But can you buy like a Voss bottle?

30:59 I think so.

31:00 I've never seen one.

31:01 I think they have the little glass-

31:02 (clears throat)

31:03 ... sparkling ones. I might be wrong.

31:04 We might be f- We might both be full of shit here.

31:05 Yeah.Let's fight it out. (laughs)

31:07 I brought a- I brought a big, big fucking knife once on a plane.

31:10 Really?

31:11 Went right through security at LAX. Again, with a big-

31:13 On purpose?

31:13 No.

31:15 (laughs)

31:15 My friend, Jocko, gave me this knife. Shout out to Jocko. He gave me this knife, and I had it in my fanny pack, and it just went right through security.

31:21 Yeah.

31:21 I mean, it's a fucking click. A big, hefty knife.

31:25 Yeah.

31:25 And I was like, "Whoa."

31:27 (laughs)

31:28 I got- I got back to my place and, you know, it was like, I was in my, uh, hotel room, and then I noticed I had it. I was like, "Holy shit."

31:35 Well, look, I'm ju-... I get excited when I can get hair product through. (laughs)

31:39 (laughs) What's the rule on hair products?

31:41 Well, it's supposed to be under whatever three ounces, but every once in a while, I'll forget or, like, I'll be, like, running late and I'll throw in, like, the full-sized bottle.

31:48 Crazy.

31:49 And luckily, a lot of times, it'll be, like, Black women. They'll- they'll be like-

31:54 (laughs)

31:54 They'll be like... They'll see it and they'll be like, "No, it's fine. Go ahead." I'll be like, "Thank you so much. Oh my God." (laughs)

31:57 Well, they know you're not a fucking terrorist. It's so ridiculous. Sheen poosh.

32:00 And also, it's hard to find, you know, (laughs) the right hair product in some of the places we go.

32:06 They- they were gonna let people bring knives again. They were gonna let people bring four-inch knives and they were gonna let people bring pool cues. But then I think something happened and there was another event. Oh, you know what it was? You remember at LAX where that guy shot one of the TSA agents?

32:22 Mm-hmm. Oh, right, right.

32:22 Like, came to LAX with a rifle and shot a TSA agent? That's right when that was going down, then they locked it down. So if I was a conspiracy theorist, I would say they don't want us bringing little knives and pool cues, so they shot that guy. It's a false flag.

32:37 That, uh... I mean, it- it's logical though. I can follow the logic. (laughs)

32:42 Yeah, yeah. It's just the... What they can't... What you can and can't bring is crazy. Like, how come you can bring a skateboard? I could beat someone to death with a skateboard-

32:51 Oh, yeah. I mean-

32:51 ... way better than a pool cue.

32:53 Yeah, I... Also, it's like, you couldn't just have a bunch of three-ounce things that you combine together.

32:58 Yeah, make a big bomb.

32:59 Yeah.

32:59 Yeah.

32:59 Oh.

33:00 Yeah, you have a bunch of three-ounce things and an empty tub.

33:02 Yeah.

33:02 What's the empty tub for? Nothing. Why doesn't it have a fuse? I don't know.

33:04 You don't know if this is poison, you know? Like, I don't know.

33:07 Right, it could be anything.

33:08 Yeah.

33:08 Right, like those little tu-... You could definitely take something and I probably shouldn't even say this.

33:15 (laughs)

33:17 Yeah, I don't- I don't wanna give anybody any- any ideas. 'Cause if I... What if I did say that and then someone did do that? See, there's a lot of people that are really crazy and not that creative.

33:26 Right.

33:27 You know?

33:27 Yeah, yeah. They'd, like... They're just like, "Ah, if only there-... I knew a way to do this."

33:32 Yeah.

33:32 It's like, use your brain, buddy.

33:33 Like the shoe bomber, that fucking asshole.

33:35 Yeah.

33:35 Now everybody has to take their shoes off.

33:37 Yeah.

33:37 Nobody took their shoes off before that.

33:38 'Cause he had a bad shoe bomb.

33:40 It was terrible.

33:41 Yeah.

33:41 But he was trying to light it in front of everybody.

33:43 (laughs)

33:43 He didn't even do it in the bathroom, the fucking idiot.

33:47 Is- is that what you do? You light bombs?

33:49 If I was gonna light a bomb, I'd light it in the bathroom.

33:51 Yeah. I would.

33:54 You know? Just light it, flush it-

33:57 And then... Oh, on the plane.

33:58 ... and then- and then start walking. Like- like you don't even know what's happening.

34:00 Right.

34:00 Like one of them action movies where the bomb goes off behind you.

34:03 Yeah, yeah.

34:03 That's what you do. You just walk.

34:05 (laughs)

34:05 Just walk down the aisle. Boom.

34:06 You're just hoping someone Instagrams it at the right time too. You're like, "Oh, we're all gonna die, but also, what a good post."

34:12 But also, hopefully your phone is really durable-

34:16 Yeah. (laughs)

34:16 ... and makes the trip. They can extract this video.

34:18 It fell from the sky and we- we did-

34:21 Man.

34:21 ... get this amazing action photo.

34:23 No. Yeah, it's, uh... It's a weird thing that- that everybody gets super, super checked flying, but you don't get super, super checked when you go to the mall.

34:33 No.

34:33 You don't get super, super checked. There's all these other places where you don't get super, super checked.

34:37 Yeah, I mean, I- I feel like there should just be, uh, metal detectors everywhere.

34:41 How hard is it to get on a train?

34:43 Very easy.

34:44 Yeah. Right?

34:45 I take- I take- I love an Amtrak.

34:47 Weapons? Do you take guns?

34:48 You can... Well, I don't have any, but you could.

34:50 But if you had, you would?

34:50 Yeah, you could. You c-

34:51 Poison? Do you bring poison?

34:52 Um, you know, only if I'm trying to kill somebody. (laughs)

34:56 (laughs)

34:56 Uh, but yeah, you can just get on. You can get... You get to the train station. If you're there, like, a minute before the train leaves, you can get on the train.

35:04 (laughs)

35:04 Like, there's nothing. They don't look for anything.

35:07 Yeah, you just hop on.

35:08 You hop right on, you ride the rails, you get to look at the beautiful scenery. I love a train.

35:12 I do love a train. We took a train in Europe. I was with my family in Italy and- and we took a train ride.

35:18 They do trains really well out there.

35:19 It was great. It was beautiful. Sit back, watch the countryside, drink a Diet Coke.

35:24 (laughs)

35:25 It was wonderful. (laughs)

35:27 They, like, uh... In- in the UK, they have, like, really good service on trains too. If you take one of the Virgin Trains or whatever, they come through and they're like... But they have snacks, they have-

35:36 Imagine being, like, in the Old West times when they had those really nice first-class trains that were going across the country.

35:42 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

35:42 Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga. And, like, everyone's dressed like a gentleman and a lady.

35:46 Yeah. And you're just like, uh, you... Everyone looks beautiful. Everything's velvet.

35:51 Yeah, velvet.

35:52 Yeah.

35:52 Velvet was classy.

35:53 They really liked velvet.

35:55 Why was that do you think?

35:57 E- everything probably just felt soft and maybe it was expensive.

36:00 Hmm, yeah.

36:00 And it just showed that you were wealthy. And then all the stains too.

Host 36:04 Do you know that they used to use beaver pelts to, like, line the inside of their hats?

36:10 Really?

36:10 Yeah. Like, that was, like, a big thing. Like, beavers would line the inside of the hats. And there was something about the inside of hats that they used mercury, and the mercury made people go crazy 'cause mercury is terrible.

36:22 Yeah, I was gonna say, that sounds like a bad idea.

36:24 So that's where the expression Mad Hatter came from.

36:27 Really?

36:27 Mad as a hatter. Yeah.

36:28 'Cause he-

36:29 It came from people not knowing that mercury was poison, so they were putting mercury in their fucking hats.

36:34 This is how, like, I'm just... (laughs) I'm just like, yeah, 100%.

36:38 I'm pretty sure that's true.

36:38 I 100% believe you. (laughs)

36:41 (laughs) It sounds ridiculous. Is that true?

36:42 Yeah.

36:43 I think it's totally true, right? I definitely think someone told me that on this podcast. I've... My hard drive is so overfull. So overfull. Like, I- I s-... run into people and, um, I go, "Oh, I know that guy." I'm like, "Fuck, he was on my podcast a month ago. Of course I know him."

36:59 (laughs)

36:59 Like, literally it's like, I- I for-... I'm forgetting everything. I wonder if it's just getting old.

Guest 2 37:03 Uh, this is-

Host 37:05 What? Something crazy?

Guest 2 37:06 Yeah, all right. So this is the explanation I just read on this, corrosiondoctors.org, which I don't know the validity of it, but... Uh, so it was camel hair that was used as the felt material.

Host 37:16 Mm-hmm.

Guest 2 37:17 In order to soften that up and speed up the softening process, they would use camel urine to process that.

Host 37:22 Mm-hmm.

37:23 Yeah, of course.

Guest 2 37:23 So as that became more popular, the French-... workmen that were doing that would use their own urine-

Host 37:29 Hmm.

Guest 2 37:29 ... to soften it. Some of them were being treated for syphilis-

Host 37:34 Whoa.

Guest 2 37:35 ... with mercury-

Host 37:36 Whoa.

Guest 2 37:37 ... that would then bleed into and lead to some problems.

Host 37:40 Imagine getting some syphilis piss on the inside of your fancy hat.

Guest 2 37:42 It sounds like a lot to get there, but that's what it says.

Host 37:44 I mean, this is what you get for having sex outside of marriage. (laughs)

37:47 That's, that's what I'm saying. Or even inside of marriage.

37:49 (laughs)

37:49 Imagine if you wait all those days and she still gives you the clap. Like, "Fuck."

37:54 (laughs)

37:54 "God damn it."

Guest 2 37:55 They might have even used the mercury to process it that, and skipped all the pee process, but that's the first... The first paragraph says it was-

Host 38:01 Hmm.

Guest 2 38:01 ... urine that did it, and then...

Host 38:03 That's crazy.

Guest 2 38:04 Yeah.

Host 38:04 Yeah, I mean, I think I'd rather wear my own pee than-

38:07 For sure.

38:07 ... a camel's pee.

38:08 Yeah, or a dude with syphilis.

38:10 Yeah.

38:11 You ever see people, the pictures of people when they used to die from syphilis?

38:14 No. (laughs)

38:15 (whistles) It's a rough way to go. You get holes in your head.

38:18 Oh, Jesus.

38:18 Yeah, your nose falls off. It's fucking horrific. You, people develop-

38:21 Oh, maybe that's what Michael Jackson had. (laughs)

38:23 Uh, I don't think so. People develop, like, big, big holes in their skin. Like, there was this one guy, Lindsey Fitzharris. That's her name, right? She was a, she's a woman who's got this amazing Instagram page.

38:35 Mm-hmm.

38:35 And, uh, she specializes in ancient medical procedures, and she shows you the horrors of ancient surgery.

38:43 Right.

38:44 And one of the things she was showing us was photos of people who died from syphilis. You know?

38:49 Oh, that's... (sighs)

38:50 Oh, here's another one coming up now.

38:51 Old medicine is terrifying.

38:53 Oh, terrifying. Terrifying.

38:55 Like, I just don't even know who became doctors back then. They were like, "I got this crazy idea that'll get rid of your blood, and it's just more, like..." (laughs)

39:03 They just practiced on people. Well, that's where wigs came from, you know? Like, when you used, used to see old, like, rich dudes wearing wigs?

39:09 Mm-hmm.

39:09 That was from syphilis. People had syphilis. Here's this, like, this lady's-

39:12 Oh, you mean our Founding Fathers?

39:13 This lady's face is falling off from syphilis.

39:15 Oh, geez.

39:16 Shouldn't be a whore.

39:18 Yeah, well, you know what?

39:19 Look at that one down the middle. Look at that guy in the middle with his nose. That's from syphilis.

39:23 And he's still alive?

39:24 Yeah.

39:24 Or is he dead there?

39:26 No, he's dying. I mean, he's, he's not still alive today.

39:29 (laughs)

39:30 But look at him. He looks like... Look at his right eye. His right eye is still nor- or his left eye is still normal. He's probably like, "I shouldn't have fucked that whore."

39:35 It's one of those things that-

39:37 "Shit."

39:37 (laughs)

39:37 Look at him. He's like, "Goddamn it. Can't believe I gotta got a fucking hole in my head."

39:42 He's just like, he just keeps walking around being like, "It was worth it." (laughs)

39:46 Yes. "Oh, yeah. I came so hard. Fuck this face."

39:52 (laughs)

39:52 (laughs) But the wig thing came from France. It came from, um... That's why, like, the expression big wig.

39:58 Mm-hmm.

39:59 The more money you had, the bigger the wig you got.

40:01 Right.

40:01 And it all came from these royal guys. I think they were cousins? These, wh- the royalty, but they had syphilis. Their fucking hair was falling out, so they had wigs made. And so because these guys were the shit, they were like basically the male Kardashians of the day.

40:13 Right.

40:14 Uh, everybody started copying them, and people, probably a bunch of other people had syphilis as well.

40:18 Right.

40:18 Their hair was falling out, so they all got wigs. So, like, when you see, like, a bunch of people in the old days that were, uh, in court, and how the, the, the judge and everyone would wear powdered wigs.

40:28 Mm-hmm.

40:29 All that started because of syphilis.

40:31 Do you know? That's, first of all, hilarious to think that everyone was, like, in court, and they're like, "So how's your syphilis?"

40:37 They didn't even know-

40:38 (laughs)

40:38 ... what it was. They barely knew what syphilis was.

40:40 "I got a hole in the head disease." (laughs)

40:41 Yeah, "I got the nose, Nose Gone disease." "I just lost all my hair, but look at this wig. I'm pimping."

40:46 (laughs) There's also... Do you know... You ever watch, like, British crime dramas?

40:50 Yes, I have.

40:51 They still wear those wigs.

40:53 For court?

40:53 For court.

40:54 Yeah. (laughs)

40:54 I'm basing, I'm, I'm basing British crime dramas on what I think they actually still do in Britain.

41:00 I wonder if they do.

41:00 I feel like if they do it on TV, they must still do it.

41:03 They must.

41:04 In court.

41:04 I wonder when they stopped doing it over here, when they were like, "Enough." I wonder who's the last guy wore a wig? "Fuck you, I'm keeping it."

41:10 I-

41:10 Like, who was the last guy who kept the powdered wig over here? (laughs)

41:13 Yeah, like, the, what... He was, it was definitely a bald guy.

41:15 He was a holdout.

41:16 He was like, he was like-

41:16 "Look, look, look. Look at these assholes."

41:18 (laughs)

41:18 Oh, my God, that is crazy.

41:21 Those are terrible wigs too.

41:23 And those are not even kind of wigs. It's like a hat.

41:26 It looks like a little carpet.

41:27 But that, yeah, it doesn't look like anybody's head.

41:29 It looks like a little floor mat.

41:30 Like a sheep.

41:32 (laughs) Yeah.

41:32 That's like a, a really well-cared-for and groomed sheep.

41:35 Yeah.

41:36 Like, when someone loves their sheep and they, they brush it.

41:38 My uncle's a sheep farmer.

41:40 For real?

41:40 For real.

41:41 In Pennsylvania?

41:41 In Ohio.

41:42 Really?

41:43 Yeah.

41:43 Wow.

41:44 Yeah. He one time-

41:44 Look at these guys. Look at these guys. This is today. They're Tories.

41:48 Yeah.

41:49 What's a Tory? Is that a lawyer?

41:51 It's one of their parties.

41:53 Look at the fucking... Look at those guys wearing those stupid wigs, and everybody else is modern behind them and around them. (laughs)

42:00 They're just wearing a wig, but they also pull out their phone. (laughs)

42:03 Yes. They got that stupid old wig on.

Guest 2 42:06 They got the little bow tie too.

Host 42:06 What's that?

Guest 2 42:06 Little white bow tie they have to wear too.

Host 42:07 Oh, a little white bow tie.

42:09 (laughs)

42:09 What's going on in the back of his head, the guy on the far right? What is that? It looks like a tail, like he's got a rat tail-

42:13 Is that other guy...

42:14 ... that Cyril Vaughn would have.

42:15 Is the guy behind him picking his nose?

42:18 I hope so.

42:19 (laughs)

42:19 Yes, he is. Yes, he is. You are correct.

Guest 2 42:21 Damn it.

Host 42:23 Yes, he is.

42:23 That's why you don't get a wig, sir. (laughs)

42:25 You dirty fuck, picking your nose. What happened to that picture?

Guest 2 42:28 I accidentally dragged it, and it-

Host 42:29 Oh.

Guest 2 42:29 ... disappeared.

Host 42:30 Yeah, that, like... So this is fairly recent. I mean, it's modern color photography.

42:35 Yeah.

42:35 We're not talking about...

42:36 I'm pretty sure they still do it.

Guest 2 42:37 This is 2019, so...

Host 42:38 So look at the old picture down there, the, the painting, the far, the bottom of the screen.

42:42 Mm-hmm.

42:43 Right there.

42:43 Yeah.

42:43 Look at that. That's what they used to do. Look at these weirdos.

42:47 Kinda looks like my hair.

42:48 Ho-ho.

42:49 (laughs)

42:49 He's got a syphilis scar on his face. He's got a hole-

42:51 Yeah, great.

42:52 ... looking into his cheek.

42:53 Oh, God.

42:54 But he's still probably nu-

42:54 Everything sexual-

42:56 ... nutting in people.

42:56 ... back then had to be terrible.

42:58 Ugh, disgusting, the smells.

43:00 Oh, there's so many smells. (laughs)

43:03 Ugh. But people get horny enough they don't care about smells. That's why dudes in prison fuck dudes.

43:08 Ugh.

43:08 They get to a point they're like, "Who cares?"

43:10 God-

43:10 They just want-

43:11 ... I can't imagine.

43:12 Well, it's like, you only... We have standards until, like, you get desperate.

43:19 You have standards until you don't have options.

43:21 Yes.

43:21 Yeah.

43:22 Ooh, that's a perfect way to phrase it.

43:24 Ooh.

43:24 You nailed it.

43:24 Quotes.

43:25 You have standards until you don't have options. Yeah, that's true. It's like, people get... Look at these guys.So what the hell? African judges-

Guest 2 43:33 (laughs)

Host 43:33 ... still wear wigs.

Guest 2 43:34 I just kept scrolling and they started getting weirder.

Host 43:36 (laughs)

43:36 What is this? Well, hold on. This, this might be some social justice warrior stuff. Click on that. "Why African judges still wearing wigs is a glaring sign-"

Guest 2 43:44 It's British colonialism, yeah.

Host 43:45 "... symbol of British colon-" Well, of course it is, right?

43:47 Yeah. But also, if they still wanna wear them, let them wear them.

Guest 2 43:50 They're tops.

Host 43:50 Yeah, they wanna look cool.

Guest 2 43:51 It's just this cowboy.

Host 43:51 Stop it, Opinion Brittany, or whoever this is. (laughs)

Guest 2 43:56 (laughs)

Host 43:56 (laughs) It's c- Look how they did the top, though. They kind of, like, fluffed out the top and made it a little different.

44:01 Yeah.

44:01 Add their own twist to it.

44:02 Yeah, well, you know, you gotta put your own style. (laughs)

44:05 But I guess, like, having a judge wear ... Like today, why do they wear those stupid fucking robes? Those are outdated.

44:12 Idi-

44:12 We're making fun of wigs, but we're not making fun of these goddamn wizard robes they wear?

44:15 Yeah, the robes are weird too. Like, the Supreme Court-

44:18 (laughs)

44:18 ... they still wear the robes.

44:19 Yeah. What do the women wear? Do they wear that ... Look at this guy. "Hey, what's up?"

44:22 That guy looks like, uh ...

Guest 2 44:24 It's kinda weird that long. A little, a little tight, a little perm.

Host 44:27 (laughs) Pretty sure that's a character from an Eddie Murphy movie. (laughs)

44:29 He's got a nice, nice watch, though. Look, he's got a nice watch, fat ring. (laughs)

Guest 2 44:33 (laughs)

Host 44:33 I think they wear ... I think they ... Do they wear the robes so that you can't tell, like-

44:41 If they're beating off?

44:42 Yeah. (laughs)

Guest 2 44:43 (laughs)

Host 44:43 That's very good.

44:44 You can't tell if they have a boner? I- (laughs)

44:45 I think they wear the robes to s- symbolize that they're something special, that they're, they're much more important than you.

44:52 I always think of it as, like, to hide any sort of affiliation to anything.

44:56 Hm. That would be r- the charitable way of looking at it.

44:59 Yeah.

45:00 I think they wear the robes because they're mystical, like they're the ones who are ... They have control of the law.

45:04 Right. "We understand. We rule."

45:07 Yes. They come in there, bang, bang, bang. They have a hammer.

45:09 I would be a terrible judge, 'cause I wouldn't be able to just ... I wouldn't just ... I'd be like, "No, I just don't like this guy." (laughs)

45:15 You'd be a comedy judge. There, there, wasn't there ... There was a bunch of those shows where they were trying to do them with comedians. I actually did a pilot once, way back in the day, where, um, it was like a comedy court. And then, like-

45:27 I would love if we had comedy court.

45:30 The idea was that you were gonna bring people in with, like, disputes, like, you know, you stole his records, that kind of shit.

45:35 Mm-hmm.

45:36 And then, uh, I would have to make a judgment, and the judgment actually would stick. So it's people that had, like, small claims, they would go there.

45:43 Right.

45:43 And they would ... And I think Dom Irrera did one too. I think Dom Irrera did a pilot for one of those. There was a few of those floating around for a while.

45:50 I think it'd be fun if we had comedy court now, but, like, in the way where a lot of us comedians got to decide if you get to stay in comedy or not.

Guest 2 46:00 (laughs) Yeah.

Host 46:00 (laughs)

46:00 It's like, "No, no, you've been doing too much social justice stuff."

46:03 Mm. Mm.

46:04 "You're- you're- you're- you're- you're barred for the next six months."

46:07 Yeah, well-

46:08 "Get back to writing jokes."

Host 46:09 If you criticize someone for something and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kinda joke ... Like, if you, if you get real social justice-y-

46:18 Yeah.

46:18 ... about a bit, and then we go, "Oh, look at this ten years ago, you fuck."

46:22 Yeah.

46:22 "You did the exact same jokes."

46:24 It's like, I mean, that's what people do on Twitter all the time.

46:26 Oh, yeah.

46:26 They're just like-

46:27 That's my favorite.

46:27 It's so great, 'cause people are like, "I can't believe you'd do this. This is so racist." And then, of course, minutes later, it's like, "Yeah, and so were these times you used the N-word back in 2012." (laughs)

Guest 2 46:39 (laughs)

Host 46:39 Well, back in the n- the early days of Twitter, no one totally understood what it was.

46:45 Well, for me, it was, I was still had a day job, and I used it every day. I just wrote jokes-

46:50 Yeah.

46:50 ... all of the time, just, like, constantly. I'd read news stories and I'd practice joke writing. I had five followers, and I was brand new to standup. You know? Like, it was nothing. And then it became a place of importance, and I was like, "I gotta delete everything." (laughs)

47:07 Everything.

47:08 (laughs)

47:08 Every ... Once you start getting actual gigs, like, "Oh, no, this could fuck me," and then you gotta wonder, like, h- like, today, people just store and wait.

47:16 Yeah.

47:16 Like, they'll store and wait for you to get something. "Oh, Comedy Central wants to give you a show? Hm, I wonder if they know about this?"

47:22 Yeah.

47:22 "Michelle."

47:23 (laughs)

47:23 "You fucking piece of shit."

47:25 "Look what you said."

47:26 Yeah.

47:26 It's like, ugh, come on.

47:28 Yeah. Well, it's, it's also ... Back then, no one understood what it was.

47:34 Right.

47:35 Like, they didn't understand what they were doing, so it's like you thought you were talking shit to friends.

47:38 Right.

47:39 You know?

47:39 It's like, Ashton Kutcher was, like, the first, first guy with Twitter.

47:44 Yeah.

47:44 Like, w- we didn't think ... No one knew. And, and that was during, like, the heyday of Punk'd, you know?

47:51 Yes.

47:51 Like, we didn't know this was gonna turn into a thing where, you know, it would cause, like, a, what was it, the Spring Rebellion in Egypt or what- you know? Like ...

48:00 Well, do you remember when it would be your at ... Like, @michellewolfiseatingpizza? Like, you would say that-

48:06 Yeah. Yeah.

48:06 You would s- it was the weird way of communicating. You wouldn't say just stuff. You would always say the at thing is doing something.

48:14 Right.

48:15 It was real weird. Like, JamieVernonisworking right now.

48:18 Right.

48:19 Like, that would be a real tweet.

48:20 It was like a status update-

48:21 Yes.

48:22 ... almost.

48:22 It was very ... Yeah, yeah.

48:23 Yeah.

48:23 It was weird. And then, you know, somewhere along the line, it was like, "This guy touched my tit." "What? What happened?"

48:28 Yeah. (laughs)

Guest 2 48:29 (laughs)

Host 48:29 And then- and then it became, like, a reporting-

48:31 Yeah. (laughs)

48:31 And then it was, like, news. Like, if some- there was, like, a b- you know, some breaking ... Some rebellion in some foreign country, people would be-

Host 48:39 Yeah.

48:39 ... tweeting updates. And ... Do, do you've been paying attention to Hong Kong?

48:43 Yes.

48:43 Holy shit. The videos from Hong Kong, they have not stopped.

48:47 Yeah. They-

48:48 They're still going strong.

48:49 The, the thing, the crazy thing is, like, you, you heard a little bit about it in America, and then when the NBA stuff happened, they were finally like ... Then, then everyone heard about Hong Kong, and you were like, "Wait, it took basketball to get this to make the news?" And even then, it was still SportsCenter.

49:06 Well, it was people didn't wanna criticize China. Look at that. Look at that fucking photo.

49:10 But also, I gotta say, again, shout out to China, is as soon as the basketball stuff started happening, the next morning, they were painting over murals and taking things down. I was like, "These guys do not fuck around."

49:22 What was the controversy?

49:24 It was one of the ... It was, like, a GM or something from the Houston Rockets. He tweeted something in support of the Hong Kong protests.

49:31 Oh.

49:32 And China immediately was like-"Nope, no more NBA. We're not putting it on the TV." And the thing is, a lot of NBA players have, like, huge shoe deals and, like, other endorsement deals in China, and, like, they might have an entirely separate shoe deal in China that's making them millions of dollars.

49:51 Oh.

49:53 And so the players were sorta like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey." (laughs)

49:56 Hmm.

49:57 "Let's backtrack on this a little bit."

49:59 They did backtrack, right?

50:00 Yeah, and they-

50:01 Like, human rights are not that important. What's really important is Nikes.

50:04 Listen, I got ... Uh, China is at least a little bit upfront that they don't care about human rights. (laughs)

50:11 Sorta, right?

50:12 Like, like here, we kinda, like, gloss over it. We're like ... It's just we go, like, an extra step to pretend that we care about human rights, but we're not the best at it-

50:21 What's-

50:21 ... either.

50:22 We're not the best.

50:22 (laughs)

50:23 But we're th- ... We, we might be the best. Of the big countries?

50:27 Uh, I don't know.

50:28 Who's better? Canada?

50:30 Canada.

50:30 Maybe, but they're weird. They have human rights, uh, like, c-

50:33 Well, they also have stuff like-

50:34 ... councils. They don't have First Amendment laws.

50:36 ... you're not allowed to ... Yeah, you're not a-... You could get in trouble for saying stuff there.

50:38 Yes. Well, you know that kid, Mike Ward? You know what he does?

50:41 That comic?

50:41 Comic?

50:41 Yeah.

50:42 Yeah, he just lost his case where he's supposed to s- pay $35,000 'cause he made a joke about, uh, there was a kid who was sick and everybody donated money, and then, like, a bunch of years later, the kid was still alive and he made a joke like, uh, "Can I get my fucking money back? How's that kid still alive?"

51:02 (laughs)

51:02 (laughs) See? See? You laugh?

51:04 Great joke. (laughs)

51:04 It was a pretty good joke. I mean, obviously he didn't really mean it. Uh, it's not a statement. He's not saying this, like-

51:11 Right.

51:11 He's being funny.

51:12 Yeah.

51:12 He's being a standup comedian.

51:13 Yes.

51:13 It's what he does. And they fuckin' sued him and they won, and so this has been going on forever. Mike was on my podcast two years ago? Three y-... How many years ago, Jamie? I don't think it was at this spot. Was it? I think it was the old spot.

Guest 2 51:27 It was a year ago.

Host 51:28 It was a year ago? Okay, so it was at this spot. And, um, it was still going on and he just recently lost. So it started, I believe, two years before that.

51:38 Mm-hmm.

51:38 So it's been going on for several years.

Guest 2 51:40 You and Ari actually talked about it in 2016 or something like that.

Host 51:44 Yeah, so-

51:44 Yeah, I remember th- there was one year in Montreal that people were talking about it.

51:47 Yes, it was a big deal. I mean, Canada's weird. There was another comic who got heckled by this, uh ... They were in, um ... I think this was in Vancouver, and they were at a Yuk Yuk's, I think.

51:59 Mm-hmm.

51:59 Maybe I'm making this up. I don't remember where it was. But, um, someone was on stage and, uh, this lesbian couple was heckling.

52:07 Mm-hmm.

52:07 And they're heckling a bunch of comedians. He got up and called them a bunch of dykes and said some crazy shit to them, and, uh, they fucking-

52:14 I always like ... Heckles outta context are so funny. (laughs)

52:17 (laughs)

52:17 Where you're like, "It was lesbian, called them a bunch of dykes." You're like ... (laughs)

52:22 (laughs)

52:22 (laughs)

52:22 Well, you know, people get drunk and they yell st- stuff out at comedy clubs and it was-

52:26 Yeah.

52:26 ... disruptive. And, um, so that comic wound up having to pay money too. That, that comic got sued. I think he lost ... I wanna say it was a lot of money. I wanna say it was, like, $100,000 or something crazy.

52:39 That's crazy.

52:40 Yeah.

52:41 It's also, like, uh, I don't know. I, I don't like any time a comic is taken seriously.

52:45 Yeah. Well, th- in that time ... See, the thing is, heckles, it's like, is this comedy anymore? Like, what's, what's going on here? Is, is someone just ... Is someone's yelling at you while you're on stage. They're disrupting your work.

52:57 Right.

52:57 And then your job is to make fun of them, but if you just decide, "Listen, you fucking fat slob."

53:02 Yeah. (laughs)

53:02 Like, "Oh my God, he called me fat," like, i- is that funny? Is-

53:07 Also, are you fat? (laughs)

53:08 Are you fat? Yeah. Are you a big old bulldog?

53:11 (laughs)

Guest 2 53:11 D- did you hear about-

Host 53:12 (laughs)

Guest 2 53:12 ... Elon's case that he won?

Host 53:13 Yeah, he won.

Guest 2 53:13 That's kinda on the same topic 'cause-

Host 53:15 The pedo guy case.

Guest 2 53:15 ... just basically they were-

Host 53:16 Yeah.

Guest 2 53:16 ... just were arguing that was a joke.

Host 53:17 Oh, right.

53:18 Yeah.

Guest 2 53:19 Not, not serious.

Host 53:19 You know why Elon won?

Guest 2 53:21 Yeah.

Host 53:21 Because he's got-

53:22 He has billions of dollars.

53:23 ... $28 billion.

53:23 (laughs)

Guest 2 53:23 (laughs)

Host 53:23 That's why he won. And because, uh, wherever that dude was, in Thailand, they want some dope cars.

53:29 Yeah.

53:29 He's like, "I'll make you a deal." Hmm, cool.

53:30 He's like, "I'll give you those trucks."

53:31 Totally cool.

Guest 2 53:32 (laughs)

Host 53:32 "I promise their windows don't break." (laughs)

53:34 Have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's, uh, Face... Do you, do you know Kyle Dunnigan?

53:38 Yeah, yeah. I lo-

53:39 The face swap videos with Elon?

53:40 Yeah.

53:41 Holy shit, they're good.

53:42 I love everything Kyle does.

53:43 He's the best.

53:44 He's so funny.

53:45 The best Instagram page by far.

53:46 That ... One of my favorites is when he does the, "What's up, chicken butt?" to his mom. (laughs)

53:51 (laughs) Well, how about Catty Daddy?

53:53 Catty Daddy is so- (laughs)

53:54 With, with Annie, with Annie Letterman?

53:56 He is so funny.

53:56 Holy shit, is it funny.

53:57 (laughs)

53:57 Annie plays his daughter and he plays this, like, weirdly effeminate, probably gay dad and just, like, really gossipy.

54:04 But he, like, talks about having sex with women, you know? Like, it's just like... (laughs)

54:08 But he's, like, always g- gossip-y about, like, uh, celebrities and stuff. Like, oh my God, it's so funny.

54:14 It's so perfect. Uh-

54:15 But is Caitlyn Jenner's the best?

54:16 Yeah.

54:17 'Cause Caitlyn Jenner's the ... That's the coup de grâce.

54:19 Yeah, I love it.

54:20 You know, uh, Comedy Central, this is how g- fucking goofy they are over there, they were gonna give him a show, you know, like a, a face swap show. He was gonna do a face swap show.

54:29 Mm-hmm.

54:30 It would've been the best fucking show on their network.

54:32 Yeah.

54:32 But they were so bad i- in terms of, like, cutting controversial stuff out. He had Caitlyn Jenner fucking Donald Trump. Like, she was riding Donald Trump, you know?

54:42 (laughs)

54:42 'Cause he does a great Donald Trump too.

54:43 Yeah. (laughs)

54:44 And he showed it to me. I was c- in tears.

54:46 Yeah.

54:46 In tears. He goes, "They cut this." I go, "What?" He goes, "They said no to this." I go, "No." He goes, "Yes." I go, "No."

54:53 What was their reason behind it?

54:55 Too controversial. You can't make fun of trans people.

54:57 But you're not making fun-

54:58 You're making fun of trans people.

54:59 Trans people are allowed to have-

55:00 You're making-

55:01 ... sex with the president too.

55:02 No, no, no, no, no. It's-

55:03 (laughs)

55:03 You're mocking trans. You're mocking people.

55:06 I think you're lifting up trans people.

55:09 Yeah, 'cause she's on top.

55:10 (laughs)

55:10 She's fucking shit on Trump.

55:11 And she's on top. She's, she's fucking Trump. I think-

55:13 Yeah.

55:13 ... that's a pretty good look-

55:15 Hmm.

55:15 ... for a trans person, you know? Like, let them-

55:17 It's not the worst look.

55:19 Yeah.

55:19 Yeah.

55:19 There's ... Could be worse. (laughs)

55:21 I mean, it ... And I think he- she was a pr- Republican.

55:25 Yeah, Caitlyn's a Republican.

55:26 So ... Yeah. My favorite part was when, uh, uh ... You know, there was a ... The whole thing I was ... You know, when, when all this was going on and she was winning Woman of the Year-

55:34 Mm-hmm.

55:34 ... I go, "Do you understand that she's against gay marriage?"

55:37 Yeah.

55:37 And gay friends of mine were like, "What?" I go, "Do you understand this?"

55:41 Yeah.

55:41 Do you understand this?

55:42 Yeah.

55:42 ... did you-- w- just I want you to stop and pause before you decide this is a hero.

55:47 Yeah.

55:47 I want you to look into this. This is a moron.

55:49 (laughs)

55:49 You have a moron who just happens to be transgender. And just because she's a famous moron does not mean she's anything other than a moron.

55:56 Yeah, it, yeah, she's still, she's still not good.

55:59 No, we, her fucking... This was her response, "Why are you against gay marriage? Well, I guess I'm just kind of a traditional girl." Th- she really said that.

56:08 I-

56:08 Traditional girl?

Host 56:09 This is where I wish we could get to with some of this stuff, is that you can be like, yes, you have... I appreciate and respect everything about you being able to be trans.

56:18 Yes.

56:18 I do not like you.

56:19 (laughs)

56:20 You're still... I don't, it's not because you're trans, it has nothing to do with you being trans. I don't like you as a person. I think you're a bad person. (laughs)

56:27 I don't know if she's a bad person, I just think she's kind of a dick.

56:29 Well, like, but that's where I wish we could get to-

56:31 Yeah. Right, right, right.

56:31 ... you know? Where it's like, it's like, no, no, no, this isn't about-

56:32 Well, you can kinda get to that.

56:33 This isn't about being anything, whatever the hot button issue that you are.

56:37 Right.

56:37 It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person.

56:40 Well, this is where the r- the loophole has gone into women and sports, right?

56:44 Yeah.

56:44 That's where it's gone in. And that's-

56:45 This drives me crazy.

56:46 It should drive you crazy. It drives me crazy too.

56:48 Yes.

56:49 It's women are... biological women are getting fucked.

56:51 Yes.

56:51 They're getting fucked over.

56:52 Yeah. Yeah.

56:52 And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlyn on top.

56:55 Yeah. (laughs)

56:55 They're getting fucked the worst way. And they're finally starting to step back, the Olympic weightlifting, the people who do powerlifting tournaments, they stopped it. They w- they won't let transgender women enter in and pretend to be a biological woman anymore.

57:09 Well, and there's one thing that, like, women have to... in order to, like, fight this correctly, women have to admit that men are physically stronger than us. And they 100% are. Men are stronger than women.

57:20 But that's a crazy thing to say. That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't. It's like these are biological facts.

57:25 Of course. But there's the thing, like, I mean, I've gotten into fights with people about Serena Williams, and they're saying like, "Well, she could beat any man." And I'm like, "She literally can't."

57:33 She can't.

57:34 The last time she... I'm not saying she's not great, but-

57:36 She's amazing.

57:36 ... the last time she, uh, played against a man, he was like some guy who drinks and, like-

57:42 Yeah.

57:42 ... he was like ranked 600th with-

57:44 Yeah.

57:44 ... like drinking, whatever.

57:45 He stomped her.

57:46 And she still lost.

57:47 Yeah.

57:47 And this was back a couple years ago when she was, like, really at her peak.

57:51 Yeah. It's not fair. It's, it's not.

57:53 And, like I say this all the time, it's like I love track, right? I, uh, but in high jump, the best woman in the world right now is jumping about six feet seven inches. The best man in the w- world is jumping seven feet 11 inches.

58:06 That's close.

58:07 Yeah, it's like-

58:07 Close enough. Let her in. Put a skirt on her.

58:09 And also like, you know who also is jumping six-seven? My friend Graham when we were in high school.

58:13 (laughs)

58:14 He's an architect now.

58:16 Really?

58:16 Yeah.

58:16 Really? He jumped six-seven?

58:17 He jumped six-seven.

58:18 Wow.

58:18 And he was a good high jumper, you know.

58:20 Wow.

58:20 Like he, he went to a D1 school for it, but like, he, uh-

58:24 He would've been a world record holder if he was a woman.

58:26 World, world record holder.

58:27 Yeah. Well, that's happening now. You're getting world record holders now, in weightlifting in particular-

58:30 Yeah.

58:31 ... where they're trans women.

58:32 Yeah. It's not fair.

58:32 It's, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It was infighting for a while. There was a, a girl who y- was a man for 32 years, became a, a woman for two, and then started fighting women without telling 'em that she used to be a woman.

58:45 (laughs)

58:45 Yeah. And so I came out against it, and all these people were fucking mad at me. I mean, dozens of articles written about what a piece of shit I was.

58:51 Right.

58:51 And I was like, "Whoa." Uh, 'cause I didn't understand how far this whole PC, progressive culture had gotten in terms of like completely off the rails and not looking at things accurately. I was like, "Come on, you gotta be objective." I'm not saying people can't be trans, but what I'm saying is you can't not tell someone that... I'm, by the way, I'm 100% for a woman fighting a man if she wants to.

59:14 Right.

59:14 If they weigh the same and she decide... I don't think it's smart.

59:17 Right.

59:17 I think it's very dangerous.

59:19 Yeah.

59:19 But some women can. There's a woman who's fighting for the title this weekend, Germaine de Randamie. She's a, uh, pr- see if you can find the video of Germaine, Germaine de Randamie fucking this dude up. She's a beast.

59:29 Mm-hmm.

59:30 And she's a multiple time world kickboxing champion, Muay Thai champion. She's a fucking savage.

59:34 Mm-hmm.

59:35 And she's fighting for the bantamweight title this weekend in Vegas. This is her. This is her fucking up a dude. See now this, she just calculatedly decided that she was a better fighter than this guy and knew that e- look at this, fucking this dude up. And, but he's trying. He still clubbed her in the back of the head there.

59:52 Yeah.

59:53 Dangerous. Fucking dangerous.

59:55 That is-

59:55 See, see? He's getting in trouble for clubbing her in the back of the head. But she, she had a boxing match with this guy and fucking flattened him.

1:00:03 How... Is that guy ranked anything?

1:00:05 I don't, I don't know. I don't know the specifics behind it, but it, but it's super risky for a woman to fight a man.

1:00:11 Yes.

1:00:12 But she wanted the challenge, and I f- completely support it. See, go to where she flattens him. See, like this dude is swing- it's fucking dangerous, but she's a super high-level fighter.

1:00:23 Right. Wow.

1:00:23 Boom right there, son. Out go the lights. You just got flat-lined by a woman, kid. (crowd cheering) Watch that again. Back that up again. But it's, this is a, you're talking about a guy who's just a schmoe. I mean, not a bad fighter. Knows how to punch.

1:00:41 Right.

1:00:41 But that's a world champion. So I'm, if, if someone wants it, like Germaine de Randamie wants to do that, I wouldn't say she couldn't do it. You do whatever you want. But the idea that you can not tell someone that-

1:00:52 Right.

1:00:52 ... you were a man for 30 years.

1:00:54 Yeah.

1:00:54 I got into a conversation with this on Twitter back when I used to get in conversations with people.

1:00:57 Right.

1:00:58 And, uh-

1:00:58 Best time of your life. (laughs)

1:00:59 The la- this lady actually said this to me. She goes, "She's always been a woman." And I go, "Even when she fathered a child?"

1:01:07 Mm-hmm.

1:01:07 And she goes, "Even then." I go, "We're done. We're done. We're in crazy town."

1:01:10 It's like-

1:01:11 Now you're just making things up.

1:01:12 I, mentally, yes, uh, maybe she was always a woman mentally, but physically-

1:01:17 Yeah.

1:01:17 ... you weren't. So-

1:01:18 Yeah.

1:01:19 ... it's, it's the same thing like-

1:01:20 What does that mean mentally? What does that mean?

1:01:22 I don't know. I guess like-

1:01:23 You wish?

1:01:23 ... you felt inside that you were always supposed to be a woman.

1:01:27 Here's the thing. She's a lesbian now.

1:01:27 Or, and I'm probably saying the, the wrong words anyway.

1:01:30 But now she's a lesbian, so she's into women.

1:01:32 Yeah. I mean, it-

1:01:33 Hello.

1:01:34 ... it's such a complicated-

1:01:36 What are we doing? Yeah.

1:01:36 ... like I... And the thing is, this is what bothers me, is that you can't even, you can't even question or have any discussions around it.

1:01:43 Exactly.

1:01:43 Where it's just like, no, I wanna know and I wanna be better, but I need...... help understanding.

1:01:48 Even the language you're using, "I wanna be better."

1:01:50 Yeah, yeah, "I wanna be better."

1:01:51 Be better, be better.

1:01:51 Like, yeah, yeah.

1:01:52 Be better, Michelle.

1:01:54 (laughs)

1:01:54 Ugh.

1:01:54 Be best. Uh... (laughs) But yeah, I mean, like, I don't, like, yeah, I want people to live whatever way they wanna live.

1:02:01 Yeah.

1:02:02 But help me a little bit here. Like, I, I, I don't know. And, uh, I don't even know how to look it up online.

1:02:07 You can't.

1:02:08 You can't.

1:02:08 You're not allowed to.

1:02:09 Yeah.

1:02:09 'Cause if they find out what you're searching-

1:02:10 Yeah. (laughs)

1:02:11 ... they'll come for you. They'll come for you and they'll take away your woke pass.

1:02:14 Yeah. Now, now, you can't have, you can't have another special because-

1:02:17 Yeah.

1:02:17 ... you Googled, "Are you allowed to be a lesbian?" (laughs)

1:02:21 Well, well, people literally have gotten massive blowback on their careers because of that.

1:02:26 Yeah.

1:02:26 You know? Because of questioning whether or not trans people can fight. I mean, Ronda Rousey got a ton of shit when she was saying she didn't think trans women should be able to fight regular women in, in MMA.

1:02:36 I mean, s-

1:02:37 Or biological women, whatever you wanna call it.

1:02:38 Right.

1:02:38 If you say, even say regular woman-

1:02:40 Yeah. (laughs)

1:02:40 ... you're like, "You piece of shit."

1:02:41 Of course.

1:02:41 "She is a regular woman."

1:02:42 (laughs)

1:02:44 Everybody's so angry. And it's such a mob thing too. It's funny because these are the people that don't want bullies. They, th- it's like the same people, progressive people, are the ones who are like anti-bullying, which are-

1:02:54 Oh, they bully just as much.

1:02:55 They bully. They, uh, more.

1:02:56 Yeah.

1:02:57 They bully each other. You can't be woke enough.

1:02:59 You can't.

1:02:59 B- 'cause they're just feeding off of each other. Like, I used to have piranhas.

1:03:02 Mm-hmm.

1:03:03 Okay? And one of the things that happens with piranhas is when one of 'em gets sick, the other ones fuck them up.

1:03:08 (laughs)

1:03:08 They, they, they cannibalize each other all the time. It was weird.

1:03:10 What an animal. (laughs)

1:03:11 Like, oh, they're so crazy. Like, one of 'em, you'd see one of 'em had like a little slight little w- wiggle to him wrong.

1:03:16 Uh-huh.

1:03:16 And they'd be like, "Come on, look at mine." Blah.

1:03:17 And they'd just eat 'em?

1:03:19 Yeah, they'd eat 'em. Fuck 'em up. I'd come home and half a piranha would be at the bottom of the tank.

1:03:22 Wow.

1:03:22 I'd be like, "Oh, you fucking creeps."

1:03:24 Jesus.

1:03:24 So I'd have to scoop it out.

1:03:26 I had a hamster that ate the other hamster once.

1:03:28 Oh, I had that happen when I was a little kid.

1:03:30 Yeah.

1:03:30 They had th- they had like w- wet tail. It was like a disease. think it's called a wet tail.

1:03:34 I don't know, but it's a, it's a weird thing to walk home to when you're five.

1:03:37 Yeah.

1:03:37 You know? (laughs)

1:03:37 Her name was Fluffy and she was eating her babies.

1:03:40 Oh.

1:03:40 She was eating her b- we, we came home, she was, uh, like a bloody fucking baby. She's holding onto the baby's head-

1:03:45 Oh.

1:03:45 ... and just chewing up.

1:03:46 (laughs)

1:03:47 Like, "What in the fuck-"

1:03:49 (laughs)

1:03:49 ... "kinda pet is this?"

1:03:51 (laughs)

1:03:51 And there was no warning.

1:03:51 Yeah, that was it for me for hamsters.

1:03:53 There was no Google back then. So I was like-

1:03:54 No.

1:03:54 ... "What is happening here?"

1:03:55 I guess I got to go to the library and look this up in the encyclopedia-

1:03:58 Yeah. (laughs)

1:03:58 ... to see if it's a thing. (laughs)

1:04:00 Why is my hamster eating its baby's head like it's a fucking ripe tomato? Oh.

1:04:04 (laughs)

1:04:04 So disgusting. It was so disgusting.

1:04:07 Oh.

1:04:07 It was burned into my head. I was like seven years old. I was like, "Holy shit."

1:04:10 Yeah.

1:04:11 But, um, w- w- how did we get to that? How did we get to hamsters?

1:04:13 Oh, we were talking about woke people and, uh-

1:04:16 Oh, piranhas.

1:04:16 ... piranhas, yeah.

1:04:17 Yeah. Like, that's what they're like. Is like when one steps outta line, when, even when woke people-

1:04:22 Yeah.

1:04:22 ... they don't say, "Hey, you know, um, uh, Sheila's a good person. She just misspoke." And, you know, and Sheila's like, "I'm sorry. I didn't really mean it that way. It came out wrong." And everybody's like, "That's cool. This is what's important, kindness. That's what's important." No, it's like, "Fuck Sheila, and fuck white people, and fuck the patriarchy, and fuck the..."

1:04:40 Yeah.

1:04:40 And you're like, "Whoa."

1:04:41 It, it's, it, it goes from, "We support you," to, "Burn it to the ground."

1:04:45 Burn it to the ground. Yeah.

1:04:46 Burn it, n- she can have nothing anymore.

1:04:48 Yeah. And everyone's trying to stand out as being like ultra progressive and hardcore with it.

1:04:55 Well-

1:04:55 So everyone's like making these hard stances on Twitter where it's like, "This is so aggressive." (laughs)

1:04:59 I think though that my theory behind it is that we've always liked, as a, as a human, we've always liked to watch people die, whether it's figuratively or literally.

1:05:09 Mm-hmm.

1:05:09 Because like we used to do Gladiator.

1:05:11 Yeah.

1:05:11 Like when people got beheaded-

1:05:13 Right.

1:05:13 ... or like burned at the stake. That was like a thing.

1:05:15 Yeah.

1:05:16 Like, everyone came to that from the town and they were all just like, "Yeah." 'Cause in that moment, your life isn't as bad as the person who's getting burned.

1:05:26 Right, right. T-

1:05:26 And I think that's what people are... People just wanna feel powerful.

1:05:30 100%

1:05:30 They w- they're there online and they're like, "Oh, I can take down this person." And it's like-

1:05:35 M-

1:05:35 ... "Did you really do anything today? Did you really just destroy someone's life who was trying to be a good person?"

1:05:41 Yeah.

1:05:41 You know, and like, I mean, I don't know. Go after companies using plastic or something like that, you know? (laughs)

1:05:47 (laughs) Yeah. No, you're right. It's th- there is a thing to that, right? When anyone steps outta line publicly and then people start attacking them. This is not like a personal issue to them.

1:05:57 Right.

1:05:57 It's not like this person that did this thing, it's like really affects your life.

1:06:01 Right.

1:06:01 But the amount of energy that people put into it and the amount of time, like, when people wanna go dig up those old tweets and wanna find out things that you said or, you know, and, and this, i- it is similar to that feeling of watching a public execution.

1:06:14 Right.

1:06:14 Like, "Hang him. Hang him."

1:06:17 And