Joe Rogan Experience #1405 - Sober October 3 Recap

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   You'll be fine. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      You'll be fine.

   2. BKBert Kreischer0:00

      One cigar will fucking gun for a week.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:02

      Shut up, you'll be fine.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:04

      I don't even need an excuse.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      Boom, and we're live.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:05

      Okay. (laughs)

   7. TSTom Segura0:06

      (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      So the last few weeks we've been getting these annoying text messages from Ari, where everything's in Spanish.

   9. TSTom Segura0:12

      Everything.

   10. JRJoe Rogan0:13

       Everything.

   11. BKBert Kreischer0:13

       Todo.

   12. JRJoe Rogan0:14

       We're like, "What is this..." Uh, how long is this joke gonna go?

   13. BKBert Kreischer0:15

       En escuela.

   14. JRJoe Rogan0:16

       And then he gets here with a backpack on, like, "Where you been?" "I was in Medellín." (laughs)

   15. BKBert Kreischer0:21

       Me- Medellín.

   16. TSTom Segura0:22

       (laughs)

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:22

       He was, he was doing, you were doing a, a Spanish immersion thing?

   18. BKBert Kreischer0:25

       Yeah, 100% Spanish. I brought back these Cuban cigars.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       Wow.

   20. BKBert Kreischer0:28

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:29

       So, did you-

   22. BKBert Kreischer0:29

       In Colombia.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:30

       Did you have any Spanish-speaking lessons before you went to Colombia?

   24. BKBert Kreischer0:33

       Cero.

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       Was that-

   26. TSTom Segura0:35

       You know what that means?

   27. BKBert Kreischer0:36

       Yeah. Sounds like zero. (laughs) It does sound a lot like zero. It's a pretty close language.

   28. TSTom Segura0:40

       Well, you learn a lot.

   29. BKBert Kreischer0:40

       A lot of it's pretty close.

   30. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       So, zero?
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   He only spoke Portuguese.…

   1. ASAri Shaffir15:00

   2. TSTom Segura15:00

      He only spoke Portuguese.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      So close, though.

   4. TSTom Segura15:02

      Yeah, but, but I mean like-

   5. ASAri Shaffir15:04

      (laughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan15:04

      ... you, you can, you can-

   7. ASAri Shaffir15:05

      It's not close at all.

   8. JRJoe Rogan15:06

      It is close.

   9. TSTom Segura15:07

      It's not close.

   10. ASAri Shaffir15:07

       Not even remotely.

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:07

       No, I have Brazilian friends who could speak a little bit of passing Spanish.

   12. TSTom Segura15:10

       You can, you can pick up on some things, but-

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:11

       Yeah.

   14. TSTom Segura15:11

       For real, I feel like-

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:12

       Yeah, yeah, yeah.

   16. ASAri Shaffir15:12

       I feel like Italian is closer to Spanish than Portuguese.

   17. TSTom Segura15:14

       Italian is definitely closer than Portuguese.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:16

       Is it?

   19. TSTom Segura15:16

       Really?

   20. ASAri Shaffir15:16

       Yeah, Portuguese I think is almost Asian.

   21. JRJoe Rogan15:17

       Oh, Italian is close to Spanish.

   22. ASAri Shaffir15:19

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan15:19

       'Cause I took both in college.

   24. TSTom Segura15:20

       Yeah, I don't think Portuguese is a Lat- Latin language.

   25. JRJoe Rogan15:22

       It is a Latin language.

   26. ASAri Shaffir15:23

       It is a Latin language.

   27. TSTom Segura15:23

       But-

   28. JRJoe Rogan15:24

       For real?

   29. TSTom Segura15:24

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan15:24

       Yeah.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   So a buck 70…

   1. TSTom Segura30:03

      yeah, around 175.

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:04

      So a buck 70 like that, that's a lot of weight, man. You gotta be prepared. I would have to train for that.

   3. BKBert Kreischer30:13

      You'd have to train for it. Yeah, you have to train.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:15

      I'd have to do a lot of heavy kettlebells.

   5. TSTom Segura30:15

      You know.

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:15

      'Cause that's dead weight. Here it is. Here's the scene.

   7. TSTom Segura30:16

      This is what, this whole scene, you know-

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:16

      So this is Ari and Te- okay, this is, this is awkward.

   9. ASAri Shaffir30:16

      (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:16

       This is right here, this is me as a...

   11. TSTom Segura30:18

       I'm crying laughing. I'm crying laughing.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:22

       Oh, yeah. This is gonna be a problem no matter what because he's a foot tall-

   13. BKBert Kreischer30:26

       You've gotta wear that dress. You've gotta wear that dress.

   14. TSTom Segura30:26

       Oh.

   15. JRJoe Rogan30:26

       ... obviously, I already have the dress.

   16. TSTom Segura30:27

       And the nose. So I'll just hem it. And the nose. The nose is already Jewish.

   17. JRJoe Rogan30:30

       The nose is close, right?

   18. TSTom Segura30:30

       This gray is... (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan30:31

       The nose is close.

   20. TSTom Segura30:31

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan30:31

       He'd kiss me though. The problem is, if we got that close, Ari would sneak in a kiss-

   22. BKBert Kreischer30:38

       He definitely would.

   23. JRJoe Rogan30:39

       ... and I'd throw up in his face.

   24. BKBert Kreischer30:40

       Joe. Joe.

   25. TSTom Segura30:40

       (laughs) We have to keep going.

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:40

       Look at this.

   27. BKBert Kreischer30:40

       You guys gotta do this.

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:40

       Nope, not doing it.

   29. ASAri Shaffir30:40

       (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan30:40

       Dude, I learned how to dance for that fucking Zookeeper movie. It was a long two weeks of learning it. And I, I got to dance with Leslie Bibb, who's hot and cool.
4. 45:00 – 56:09

   (laughs) …

   1. BKBert Kreischer45:00

      football rules.

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      (laughs)

   3. ASAri Shaffir45:01

      (laughs)

   4. TSTom Segura45:01

      (laughs)

   5. BKBert Kreischer45:01

      They're just like, "Whatever happens, man."

   6. ASAri Shaffir45:03

      (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:03

      (laughs)

   8. BKBert Kreischer45:03

      "Let's just get the ball to that side."

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:04

      Grab nuts in the scrum.

   10. ASAri Shaffir45:06

       (laughs)

   11. BKBert Kreischer45:06

       (laughs)

   12. TSTom Segura45:06

       But also, like, isn't it l- the need for the prostitution so much less ... Right? Like, I feel like-

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:13

       Right, gay guys are just thrown down.

   14. TSTom Segura45:14

       ... guys are just like, "Let's just fucking fuck, but-

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:15

       Right.

   16. ASAri Shaffir45:15

       Yeah, why do you have to do the thing?

   17. JRJoe Rogan45:16

       But old guys. Here's the thing, 'cause old guys-

   18. TSTom Segura45:18

       Yeah, yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan45:18

       ... they wanna fuck young guys. And these young guys don't wanna fuck them.

   20. BKBert Kreischer45:21

       Right.

   21. JRJoe Rogan45:21

       But these young guys don't have a car. They're like, "Hey-"

   22. TSTom Segura45:23

       Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan45:24

       "... I know what's up."

   24. TSTom Segura45:25

       (laughs) Yeah.

   25. BKBert Kreischer45:25

       Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan45:25

       "I know how to make something happen."

   27. ASAri Shaffir45:26

       Remember that Patrice O'Neal story where she said he pulled over to a rest stop to get some sleep and, uh, somebody knocked on his window, ar- arrested ... But he was, like, way off, like, away from, like, the, where the store was. And he's like, "What?" And the guy was like, "Hi." And he was like, "What?" And the guy's like, "Oh, my bad." He goes, "Your bad what? What are you doing here?" (laughs) And the guy just turned and ran away.

   28. JRJoe Rogan45:46

       Oh, well that's the spot.

   29. ASAri Shaffir45:48

       (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan45:48

       Rest stops.

Episode duration: 3:20:34