Joe Rogan Experience #1405 - Sober October 3 Recap

Joe Rogan 0:00 You'll be fine.

Bert Kreischer 0:00 One cigar will fucking gun for a week.

Joe Rogan 0:02 Shut up, you'll be fine.

Bert Kreischer 0:04 I don't even need an excuse.

Joe Rogan 0:04 Boom, and we're live.

Bert Kreischer 0:05 Okay. (laughs)

Tom Segura 0:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:06 So the last few weeks we've been getting these annoying text messages from Ari, where everything's in Spanish.

Tom Segura 0:12 Everything.

Joe Rogan 0:13 Everything.

Bert Kreischer 0:13 Todo.

Joe Rogan 0:14 We're like, "What is this..." Uh, how long is this joke gonna go?

Bert Kreischer 0:15 En escuela.

Joe Rogan 0:16 And then he gets here with a backpack on, like, "Where you been?" "I was in Medellín." (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 0:21 Me- Medellín.

Tom Segura 0:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:22 He was, he was doing, you were doing a, a Spanish immersion thing?

Bert Kreischer 0:25 Yeah, 100% Spanish. I brought back these Cuban cigars.

Joe Rogan 0:28 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 0:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:29 So, did you-

Bert Kreischer 0:29 In Colombia.

Joe Rogan 0:30 Did you have any Spanish-speaking lessons before you went to Colombia?

Bert Kreischer 0:33 Cero.

Joe Rogan 0:35 Was that-

Tom Segura 0:35 You know what that means?

Bert Kreischer 0:36 Yeah. Sounds like zero. (laughs) It does sound a lot like zero. It's a pretty close language.

Tom Segura 0:40 Well, you learn a lot.

Bert Kreischer 0:40 A lot of it's pretty close.

Joe Rogan 0:41 So, zero?

Bert Kreischer 0:41 No, I had nothing, I had nothing.

Joe Rogan 0:43 Cero is zero?

Bert Kreischer 0:44 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Tom Segura 0:44 Yo hablo Español también. Claro.

Bert Kreischer 0:47 All right.

Tom Segura 0:47 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 0:47 You also understand a little bit.

Joe Rogan 0:48 Tom, you're doing a podcast in Spanish, right?

Tom Segura 0:50 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this is-

Joe Rogan 0:51 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's amazing.

Tom Segura 0:51 This is his Me Too backpa- party. Like, when, when Tom gets Me Too'd in America, he's gonna go run-

Bert Kreischer 0:56 (laughs)

Tom Segura 0:56 ... and do shows in Latin America. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 0:57 To a country that don't care.

Tom Segura 0:58 This, this is his insurance policy.

Joe Rogan 1:00 To a country where it's like, "I'm setting up the escape plan right now, man."

Bert Kreischer 1:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:03 Other countries are like, "What's the problem?"

Tom Segura 1:05 They would... The Latin countries would have no problem. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:07 Not at all.

Tom Segura 1:07 I've had this conversation multiple times about, about it.

Bert Kreischer 1:11 Tell us about it. (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:11 And people are like, "Mi what?" No, no, no.

Bert Kreischer 1:14 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:14 No, no, no. They don't give a shit.

Bert Kreischer 1:15 We were talking to his cousin who-

Tom Segura 1:17 ¿Me das-

Bert Kreischer 1:17 ... lives in Peru.

Tom Segura 1:18 Sí.

Bert Kreischer 1:18 And he ca- he called his cousin, and there's a term, "Latinx," which is not Latino or Latina, it's, you know, it's, it's-

Tom Segura 1:24 It's a gender-neutral way of saying Latin- La-

Joe Rogan 1:27 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:27 Yeah. (laughs) And he says to his cousin in Spanish, you know, uh, "Tu sabe Latinx?" And he's like, "Uh, uh, ¿maricón?"

Joe Rogan 1:36 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:36 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:36 (laughs) Yeah. He goes... He's like... I tried to explain. He goes, "What?" (laughs) And I'm like, I'm like, "You know, it's a gender-neutral, so you're saying..." He goes, "Like a faggot?"

Bert Kreischer 1:46 (laughs)

Tom Segura 1:46 And I was like... You know, like, como, but...

Bert Kreischer 1:48 I'm like, uh, that's not exactly-

Tom Segura 1:50 Como?

Bert Kreischer 1:50 ... what I'm saying. My teacher, we were talking about, like, parents and stuff like that, and there was like, the word for, for parents is just, like, fathers, pretty much.

Tom Segura 1:58 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:58 And so then it's like, what if you have two mothers? Do you, do you call it madres as parents instead of like... You know, if it's just father, it's padre. If it's just mother, it's madre. But if it's parents, it's padres.

Tom Segura 2:09 Right.

Bert Kreischer 2:10 So I'm like, "Do... It's just a gay?" And they're like, she was like, "No, still padres." And then, you know, that's okay these days.

Tom Segura 2:17 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:17 It's okay with her being as forward as she can be.

Tom Segura 2:19 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 2:19 Like, that's fine, though.

Tom Segura 2:22 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 2:22 What country do you think is most in the dark ages with wokeness?

Joe Rogan 2:26 Ru- Russia.

Bert Kreischer 2:27 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:28 Yeah. Russia, they, they make laws about gay people.

Bert Kreischer 2:31 Yeah.

Tom Segura 2:31 They, they did-

Joe Rogan 2:32 Yeah.

Tom Segura 2:32 Well, for the Olympics.

Bert Kreischer 2:33 Iran has, according to their leader, 0% homosexual population.

Joe Rogan 2:38 Yeah, Iran's-

Tom Segura 2:38 Yeah. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 2:38 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:38 ... another one. Iran's worse-

Tom Segura 2:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:40 ... than Russia because Russia has-

Tom Segura 2:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:42 ... people that are outside of the control of the government that are just freely speaking that are talking about homosexual problems and, like, Pussy Riot. Remember when Pussy Riot-

Tom Segura 2:52 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 2:52 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 2:52 ... was getting yammed?

Tom Segura 2:53 Lot of shit.

Bert Kreischer 2:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:54 Yeah.

Tom Segura 2:54 They're fucking not.

Bert Kreischer 2:55 Uh-

Joe Rogan 2:55 You like that?

Tom Segura 2:56 Yeah, I gotta think about that.

Bert Kreischer 2:57 Fuck them dirty, man.

Joe Rogan 2:58 What-

Tom Segura 2:58 I think like the-

Bert Kreischer 2:58 Arrest the chicks right outta jail. (laughs)

Tom Segura 3:00 Russia doesn't fuck around, dude.

Joe Rogan 3:02 No, they don't fuck around.

Tom Segura 3:03 At all.

Joe Rogan 3:03 They don't fuck around.

Tom Segura 3:03 At all. You know? Like, you're... There, there's a, kind of a, I don't know, selling, like, uh, point from them that, that it's... They're trying to be, um, uh, progressive thinkers. Like, some of them will, like, disguise it as that, but they're definitely... They're not fucking around, dude.

Joe Rogan 3:19 Someone from Russia, some government agency made a tweet about, uh, freedom of the press.

Bert Kreischer 3:24 What did they say?

Joe Rogan 3:25 About r- respecting, uh, respecting the press and res- appreciating the press. And someone, some journalist said, "This is a country that has literally... Like, this administration has literally been responsible for murders of dozens of people-"

Tom Segura 3:40 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:40 "... that are, that are journalists."

Tom Segura 3:42 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:43 Wow.

Joe Rogan 3:43 Like, when people report on them or people would... Running, running against certain members of the government-

Tom Segura 3:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:49 ... they would just whack them.

Bert Kreischer 3:50 They would just do it away.

Tom Segura 3:50 Sure.

Joe Rogan 3:50 Like, in broad daylight.

Bert Kreischer 3:51 It's crazy.

Tom Segura 3:51 And even more, uh, disappearances, which is slang for murders.

Joe Rogan 3:55 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:55 (laughs)

Tom Segura 3:55 You know?

Bert Kreischer 3:55 Right, right, right.

Tom Segura 3:56 Like, that person's just gone. We haven't seen-

Bert Kreischer 3:57 We just don't want to explain it-

Tom Segura 3:58 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 3:58 ... so they... I don't know. I can't wait to go-

Tom Segura 4:00 Did a mistress or something.

Bert Kreischer 4:01 ... to go back and see how much it's changed. Like, the- Are you going back?

Tom Segura 4:04 Yeah, I'm doing a tour there.

Joe Rogan 4:05 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Tom Segura 4:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:05 No way. They're gonna kidnap you for sure.

Bert Kreischer 4:07 My kids were like, "We wanna go too." I was like, "Fuck that." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:09 Yeah, don't.

Tom Segura 4:10 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 4:10 But yeah, but I... But to hang out with Russian guys- They're gonna keep you in the zoo.

Tom Segura 4:12 ... and ask them questions that I asked when I was in college. Like, I remember asking them about Black people and they were like, "Oh, no, no, no, they don't... Uh, we, they can't be here."

Joe Rogan 4:20 Roy Jones Jr. is a Russian citizen.

Bert Kreischer 4:22 What?

Tom Segura 4:22 Well, he got a pass.

Bert Kreischer 4:24 He became Roy Jones Jr.?

Tom Segura 4:24 He got a pass.

Joe Rogan 4:25 No, no, like a legit Russian citizen.

Tom Segura 4:28 This was 1995-

Joe Rogan 4:29 Yeah.

Tom Segura 4:29 ... just to be fair.

Joe Rogan 4:30 Really? Yes. Roy Jones Jr. has been going over to Russia for a long time. He's a giant star over there. They love him. They love Fox.

Tom Segura 4:36 Are you fucking se- oh!

Joe Rogan 4:37 Totally serious.

Bert Kreischer 4:38 I'm thinking of Roy Woods.

Tom Segura 4:40 Roy Woods.

Joe Rogan 4:40 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 4:41 What, the comic?

Tom Segura 4:41 The comic. I'm like, "What the piece of fuck?" (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 4:44 That is not a Russian citizen.

Joe Rogan 4:44 How hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 4:47 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 4:47 Look at it, look at it. Roy Jones Jr. with Putin.

Bert Kreischer 4:50 He looks like Putin is shaking his hand too hard and he's trying to get it away.

Joe Rogan 4:53 Mm, maybe, perhaps. I don't think so. But he's over there all the time. He's got a fucking Russian passport. That's legit.

Tom Segura 4:59 No shit.

Joe Rogan 5:00 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 5:00 I'd like that, I'd like that.

Joe Rogan 5:01 Listen, dude, they threw that triple A poonana at him.

Tom Segura 5:05 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:05 That triple A Russian poonana.

Tom Segura 5:06 That's that smile he has.

Joe Rogan 5:07 Look at, look at him smiling. Yeah.

Tom Segura 5:10 Yeah, he knows he's got his pass.

Joe Rogan 5:11 He's fought over there a bunch of times too. Fought over there, uh, fairly recently.

Bert Kreischer 5:15 How long you gonna be there for, bro?

Tom Segura 5:16 I don't know, just like probably two weeks, maybe. I don't know, I haven't... I- it's...

Bert Kreischer 5:20 Wow.

Tom Segura 5:20 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 5:20 That's cool.

Tom Segura 5:21 Yeah. I'm excited. I'm gonna bring a film crew, everything.

Joe Rogan 5:23 Andrew Schulz did a bunch of shows there.

Tom Segura 5:24 Who did?

Joe Rogan 5:25 Andrew Schulz.

Tom Segura 5:26 Did he? In Russia?

Bert Kreischer 5:27 Yeah. He was... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:27 Yeah, yeah, he put it on, uh, put some of it online. It was hilarious.

Tom Segura 5:29 I bet, um... I bet Gaffigan has too. He's done shows fucking-

Bert Kreischer 5:33 Everywhere.

Tom Segura 5:33 ... everywhere.

Joe Rogan 5:34 Has he?

Tom Segura 5:34 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 5:35 Nobody plays more places than Jim Gaffigan.

Joe Rogan 5:36 Really?

Tom Segura 5:36 Yeah, he just announced a... He's doing a, a Latin American tour.

Bert Kreischer 5:40 In English?

Joe Rogan 5:40 No shit.

Tom Segura 5:40 In English, yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:41 Of course.

Tom Segura 5:42 He goes everywhere, everywhere.

Joe Rogan 5:43 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 5:44 Greece.

Tom Segura 5:44 Dude, what's in, uh, what's the guy that ran 25 marathons in 25 days?

Joe Rogan 5:47 Eddie Izzard?

Tom Segura 5:48 Eddie Izzard did shows in German and doesn't speak German. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 5:51 He did that in French too.

Tom Segura 5:52 He just, he just memorized the language. He just memorized how the words would go.

Joe Rogan 5:56 Whoa.

Tom Segura 5:56 Is that not... I've been trying to tell-

Joe Rogan 5:57 That-

Tom Segura 5:57 ... a machine in Spanish, and I know Spanish, but it's fucking still hard as fuck.

Joe Rogan 6:01 Eddie Izzard is a savage.... do you wanna know what it takes to run 26 marathons in a row when you don't even run?

Ari Shaffir 6:08 Day after day?

Joe Rogan 6:09 Day after day with h- s- he ... I mean, there's videos of it, where they show his feet, where he takes his socks off. The ... Literally, the skin is falling off the meat.

Ari Shaffir 6:17 Ew.

Joe Rogan 6:17 I mean-

Ari Shaffir 6:18 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 6:18 ... his skin is raw and open. They're taping it up and bandaging shit, and, I mean, he can't even stand, forget about-

Ari Shaffir 6:24 And he's running, right?

Joe Rogan 6:25 ... and he's running s- 26 miles every fucking day.

Ari Shaffir 6:27 That's a different mindset.

6:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:27 Just from will.

Ari Shaffir 6:29 Yeah. Yeah. From will.

Joe Rogan 6:29 He's a really interesting guy.

Ari Shaffir 6:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:31 Like, when I had him in on the podcast, he's i- in full woman's regalia, but he says, "But I fancy the la- the ladies." You know, he fancies girls.

Ari Shaffir 6:39 Oh.

Joe Rogan 6:39 Like, he just likes dressing like a woman, but he's a man.

Ari Shaffir 6:43 Yeah, and he speaks, like-

Joe Rogan 6:43 But he's transgender.

Ari Shaffir 6:44 ... four fluent languages.

Bert Kreischer 6:45 And he, he stopped for a while too. He dressed like that, then he stopped dressing like that. Then he did-

Joe Rogan 6:47 He does whatever the fuck he wants, man.

Ari Shaffir 6:49 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:50 I love that guy.

Ari Shaffir 6:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:51 I really like him too. Like, I, I really like talking to him. He's i- interesting.

Ari Shaffir 6:55 He's a brilliant dude.

Joe Rogan 6:56 He's interesting.

Ari Shaffir 6:56 A really smart dude.

Joe Rogan 6:57 Yeah, but, but also, like, the kinda will that you have to have.

Ari Shaffir 7:00 Yeah, that's what stands out. To do that-

Bert Kreischer 7:01 Why would he do that?

Joe Rogan 7:04 It's an animal.

Ari Shaffir 7:05 But he did, and he also ... wasn't it charity?

Joe Rogan 7:06 He did it for charity.

Ari Shaffir 7:07 Right? Yeah.

7:07 Oh.

7:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:07 He did that, and then he did one in South Africa (laughs) and he was in an area where he was g- he wanted to run. They were like, "Listen to me, if you run through there, they're gonna kill you."

Ari Shaffir 7:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:16 Like, "You can't run through there. We're gonna pick you up in a car. We're gonna take you past that, and then we're gonna ... we're gonna follow you in cars. We can't even be with you in a car while you're running, or they'll kill you." (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 7:27 What? In South Africa?

Joe Rogan 7:29 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 7:30 Bro, there's parts of South Africa that are rough, you know?

Ari Shaffir 7:33 Yeah, you think? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:34 Yeah, rough.

Ari Shaffir 7:34 I've been to those.

Joe Rogan 7:36 Apparently, like, carjacking down there is just out of fucking control.

Bert Kreischer 7:39 Bro, we were in South Africa.

Joe Rogan 7:40 There is.

Bert Kreischer 7:41 We sp- we spent the night in a shantytown, um, all ... Uh, we ... I went in and I brought soccer balls. I brought, like, 40 soccer balls for all the kids, right? 'Cause we were gonna play soccer with them, so I brought a big truck full of fo- soccer balls. This was on Travel Channel. I roll in with, like, 40 fucking soccer balls, and their coach loses his fucking mind, just shy of hitting me with a machete. He's like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Ari Shaffir 8:02 Why?

Bert Kreischer 8:02 "You're gonna give every kid this ... in here a soccer ball?" He goes, "They'll all get fucking murdered on the way home, 'cause someone will kill them for their soccer ball."

Ari Shaffir 8:07 For their ball?

Bert Kreischer 8:07 And I was like, "Sorry."

Ari Shaffir 8:09 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 8:09 And he was like, "Take them the fuck outta here." So then we spent the night, right?

Joe Rogan 8:12 Murdered for a soccer ball.

Bert Kreischer 8:14 Dude, it's a shanty t- I mean, soccer balls got value there, especially ... Think of all the th- ... I mean, we spend the night. W- I ... We partied that night, some ... one of the ... it was, like, one of these-

Joe Rogan 8:23 Wait a minute.

Bert Kreischer 8:23 ... little cities.

Joe Rogan 8:23 This story just got weird.

Bert Kreischer 8:25 We s- (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 8:25 Who you partying with, the kids?

Bert Kreischer 8:26 No, no, no, no, no. We stay-

Ari Shaffir 8:27 In the shantytown.

Bert Kreischer 8:29 It was fucking crazy, dude. It was like a, uh, like out of Belly.

Ari Shaffir 8:32 It's like everyone's Bob Marley song.

Bert Kreischer 8:33 Everyone's sweaty. Everyone's dark, dark, dark.

Ari Shaffir 8:35 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 8:35 Oh, it was fucking badass. Um-

Joe Rogan 8:36 Did you get malaria?

Bert Kreischer 8:38 N- uh, no. I was on those pills. I was dreaming crazy. I woke up-

Ari Shaffir 8:40 Dreams.

Bert Kreischer 8:40 ... we woke up the next day, right? I'm outside having coffee at my little s- shanty thing. Guy comes sprinting down the street, and a mob is chasing him.

Joe Rogan 8:49 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 8:49 And I'm like, "What the fuck?"

Ari Shaffir 8:50 What?

Bert Kreischer 8:50 And our handler's like, "Oh, yeah," and I go, "What?" And he goes, "I heard about th- he stole a pillow." And I was like, "He stole a pillow?" And they're like, "Yeah, he stole a pillow. Don't worry, they'll get him. They're gonna necklace him." I go, "What?" And he goes, "There's justice here. They put a tire around his neck and light him on fire." I go, "For a fucking pillow?" I was like, "All right, wrap it. We're done. I'm getting the fuck outta here. I'm not spending ... I'm not spending another second here."

Joe Rogan 9:13 Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 9:13 Why would you risk that for a pillow? (laughs) Just hold your arm under it.

Joe Rogan 9:17 It's just ... Have you ever had, like, a great pillow, though?

Bert Kreischer 9:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 9:19 Like, when they're-

Joe Rogan 9:20 Oh, when they, like, throw those-

Ari Shaffir 9:21 And they remember you?

Joe Rogan 9:22 ... those, those air f- memory foam ones?

Ari Shaffir 9:24 Where it-

Joe Rogan 9:24 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 9:24 Yeah, where it's ... but they don't have too much give, but they're not too strong.

Joe Rogan 9:28 Right. Yes.

Ari Shaffir 9:28 And you go, like, "I'm not leaving this pillow for shit."

Joe Rogan 9:30 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 9:30 I'll, I'll take it back. I'll take it back. You're right.

Ari Shaffir 9:31 If someone steals this pillow from me, I'm lighting them on fire.

9:34 All right, but-

Bert Kreischer 9:34 It's a good point, though. I see bo- I see both sides now.

Ari Shaffir 9:36 Absolutely.

Joe Rogan 9:36 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 9:36 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 9:37 Brazil, Brazil was sketchy. We went into the favelas in Brazil-

Joe Rogan 9:41 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:41 ... and got lost at sunset.

Ari Shaffir 9:43 Why?

9:44 What? What are you doing?

Bert Kreischer 9:44 It was Travel Channel. I just used to-

Ari Shaffir 9:46 Beautiful way to die. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:47 It was ... We took motorcycles up. We took motorcycles up, and then we gave our ... We weren't taking them back down, so we gave o- guys on motorcycles our helmets, and they were fucking through the roof. As soon as we gave them our helm- helmets, you could see their attitude change, and they were like, "Don't stay up here." And we're like, "What?" And they're like, "Don't ... No matter what they say, don't stay up here. We're gonna spend the night."

Joe Rogan 10:04 (gasps) In the favelas?

Bert Kreischer 10:06 In a favela, yeah. They have a great, they have a great ... There's one favela-

Joe Rogan 10:10 Five-star luxury hotel?

Ari Shaffir 10:11 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:11 No, they have a great hotel in a favela that, like ...

Ari Shaffir 10:14 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:14 Man, someone with- that know m- ... If you had done this traveling, you'd remem- more ... I don't even remember shit about Travel Channel, because we were doing so much different shit.

Joe Rogan 10:22 And you were drunk.

Bert Kreischer 10:23 Yeah. Oh, I was hammered in this favela. It was fucking awesome, dude. We went and played-

Ari Shaffir 10:27 You're just not supposed to go there.

Bert Kreischer 10:28 No, we went in, and we got lost, and we found this soccer game with these kids, and it was like the buildings started, uh, at, like, um-

Ari Shaffir 10:35 This is with a camera crew?

Bert Kreischer 10:36 No, we didn't have a camera crew.

Ari Shaffir 10:37 Oh, that's-

Bert Kreischer 10:38 So we got lost. Me and the two travelers got lost.

Joe Rogan 10:39 Oh, Jesus. He brought guests?

Bert Kreischer 10:41 Yeah, and we d- and th-

Joe Rogan 10:42 And they're like, "We're gonna be fine. We're on TV."

Ari Shaffir 10:44 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:44 They don't know what a fucking favela is.

Ari Shaffir 10:46 No, we're not.

Joe Rogan 10:48 They're from Indiana.

Ari Shaffir 10:49 Wait, so-

Joe Rogan 10:49 "We're fine. Everything's fine."

Bert Kreischer 10:52 They're from Denver.

Joe Rogan 10:53 "Burt's our friend. I can't believe we're on TV."

Bert Kreischer 10:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 10:56 (laughs)

10:56 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 10:56 Yeah, and then the fam- camera crew found us, and they filmed us playing soccer with the kids, and then they're like, "Hey, we gotta get the fuck out."

Ari Shaffir 11:01 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 11:02 And I was like, "No, let's go back to the hotel." Went back to the hotel, best view of, best view of Brazil you'll ever get.

Ari Shaffir 11:06 It's on the, it's on the mountain, right?

Bert Kreischer 11:07 It's the best view of Brazil. Gorgeous.

Joe Rogan 11:09 That's the weird thing about the favelas. They're ... It's like the Hollywood Hills. They're above, looking down-

Ari Shaffir 11:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:13 ... at this beautiful village.

Ari Shaffir 11:15 We went with, uh, for real with the UFC.

Joe Rogan 11:17 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 11:17 And they were like, "Do not go there."

Bert Kreischer 11:20 Oh, it's not that bad.

Ari Shaffir 11:20 They can bodyguard everywhere, but do not go there.

Joe Rogan 11:22 Yeah, do not.

Ari Shaffir 11:22 Yeah, and then we didn't ... And then Jon Jones was up there the whole weekend.

Joe Rogan 11:25 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 11:26 He was?

11:26 He was. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:28 Dancing. He's dancing every fucking time.

Ari Shaffir 11:31 Yeah.

11:31 (laughs)

11:31 It was before he was a champ, I think, but, like, just hanging out.

Joe Rogan 11:33 Oh, no, no, no, no. No, he was a champ.

Ari Shaffir 11:34 He was already the champ.

Joe Rogan 11:35 Mm-hmm.

Ari Shaffir 11:35 Yeah, he was just hanging there.

11:36 Fuck, man.

11:37 I guess he thought he could beat him in a one-on-one.

11:39 Did you stay-

11:40 He picked him, uh, but ...

Ari Shaffir 11:41 Did you stay in, like, a nice place, in, in Medellin?

11:43 Yeah, with a balcony. Oh, in Medellin?

11:45 Yeah.

11:45 No, I stayed homestay.

11:46 Oh.

11:46 With the family.

11:47 Oh, wow. Wow.

Joe Rogan 11:48 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 11:48 Wow, what a lucky family.

Ari Shaffir 11:49 Wow. Amazing.

11:49 (laughs)

11:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:51 Full immersion, huh?

Ari Shaffir 11:52 Yeah, full immersion, and then Sabrina.

Joe Rogan 11:55 So, how good is your Spanish now? Is it passable? Can you go somewhere and talk to people?

Ari Shaffir 11:58 I ... So, I could order food. I could, like, ask where the bus is, and I could, like-

Joe Rogan 12:02 Are you gonna continue this education? You gonna, like, take classes?

Ari Shaffir 12:05 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wanna eventually, like ... Next time I take a sabbatical, I wanna go through, like, South America for a while.

Joe Rogan 12:09 Damn, son. Looking to get killed.

Ari Shaffir 12:11 ... no. (laughs) It's safe.-

Tom Segura 12:12 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 12:12 Medellín, it's like super safe now.

Tom Segura 12:14 Is it?

Ari Shaffir 12:14 Yeah. Parts of it are really bor- that's where I w- oh, that's my picture.

Joe Rogan 12:18 (laughs)

Tom Segura 12:18 That's where I was gonna say, when that guy was there.

Ari Shaffir 12:21 Oh, all right, all right.

12:22 It's the same weather. It's the same weather.

Joe Rogan 12:22 That's hilarious.

Ari Shaffir 12:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:22 That's your own picture. You're like, "What the fuck?"

Ari Shaffir 12:25 (laughs)

Tom Segura 12:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 12:25 It says, "Ari Shaffir," hashtag-

Tom Segura 12:28 I like that the second-

Joe Rogan 12:29 #Medellín.

Tom Segura 12:29 ... comment is, "#BertIsFat."

Joe Rogan 12:30 #BabyJesus.

Tom Segura 12:32 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 12:32 That sounds good though, when you-

Tom Segura 12:33 #BertIsFatAndNarc.

Ari Shaffir 12:35 (laughs)

Tom Segura 12:37 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 12:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 12:40 That's hilarious, man. That's hilarious.

Tom Segura 12:43 It is. There's some really poor parts.

Ari Shaffir 12:44 Good one, Maddie, Jen, Duck.

Joe Rogan 12:44 We went to the cathedral where, uh-

Tom Segura 12:45 I like that there was some reason for you d- tech, 'cause like, uh, we were all reading your text.

Joe Rogan 12:49 Yeah, w- me and, me and Tom were getting annoyed.

Tom Segura 12:51 What the fuck kind of bit is this? Oh, yeah?

Joe Rogan 12:51 Like, who's he, what are you doing? Like how long does this joke gonna go for?

Ari Shaffir 12:52 That's how Joe listed it. Joe was like, "I don't know what this joke is. I don't like it." (laughs)

Tom Segura 12:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 12:55 And then he sent it to Brett.

Tom Segura 12:57 Ah.

Ari Shaffir 12:57 Yeah, I was in an immersion. I had to try to speak no English as much as I could.

Joe Rogan 13:00 That's interesting, man.

Tom Segura 13:01 It's fun doing that kind of shit.

Joe Rogan 13:02 Good for you.

Ari Shaffir 13:02 Yeah, it was really cool.

Tom Segura 13:03 That's the way to do it, man.

Joe Rogan 13:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:05 And it was like, I was always off balance. They were like, speaking about grammatical shit that's like... And I was like... And first of all, I haven't been in school for 25 years.

Tom Segura 13:13 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:13 So even just that alone was, was difficult.

Tom Segura 13:15 Wait, tell us about this family that was blessed enough to have you stay with them for a month. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:20 Oscar, yeah, O- E, Adriana, uh, and then Sabrina, um, Jean-Pierre.

Tom Segura 13:26 ¿Cuántos años, dos, uh, niñas, eh?

Ari Shaffir 13:30 Yeah, it was weird. The first day I got there, we just sat there and like stared at each other. I heard nothing.

Joe Rogan 13:35 So why did they let you in?

Ari Shaffir 13:36 The homestay?

Joe Rogan 13:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 13:37 It's, they make money through the school. The school finds homestays for people that are like-

Joe Rogan 13:41 And they just do a background check on you or no?

Ari Shaffir 13:44 No.

Tom Segura 13:44 No.

Joe Rogan 13:45 (laughs)

Tom Segura 13:45 Jo, Jo, no. Clearly no. Clearly no.

Ari Shaffir 13:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:48 No.

Tom Segura 13:48 They didn't even fucking Google him, apparently.

Ari Shaffir 13:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:49 They're like, "¿Cómo está Molly?" Molly?

Tom Segura 13:53 ¿Cómo se dice Roofie? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:57 (laughs)

Tom Segura 13:57 ¿Cómo se dice yo también or me too?

Joe Rogan 14:00 (laughs)

Tom Segura 14:01 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 14:01 Este es un drogadicto.

14:04 I didn't even have time for drugs. I've been... I went with people like, "You gonna find cocaine?" I was like, "I guess I should," but it was like 9:00 AM every day.

Joe Rogan 14:09 "I didn't have time for drugs." That's hilarious, man.

Ari Shaffir 14:10 You had to go into like the o- other parts.

Tom Segura 14:12 (Laughs) Did you see... Did you visit some, uh, Escobar shit?

Ari Shaffir 14:16 Yeah, the cathedral.

Tom Segura 14:17 The cathedral?

Ari Shaffir 14:18 There's a big hike that starts where his prison was, and there's an old age home there now. And they have signs up there and it was like, "This has nothing to do with him. You shouldn't be visiting here anyway. He was a garbage man who fucking killed a bunch of people." And he goes on, "You're awful tourists. You leave trash everywhere." There's like signs made for that.

Tom Segura 14:32 Whoa.

Joe Rogan 14:34 (laughs)

Tom Segura 14:34 Is that right?

Ari Shaffir 14:34 You call this culture in your, in your country where you leave trash around?

Tom Segura 14:38 Well, are you-

Joe Rogan 14:38 Well, Narcos must have changed everything for them, right? It became glamorous, almost like Tony Montana.

Tom Segura 14:43 Yeah, man, yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:43 Right? I mean, that guy who played it, wha- what is that guy's name who played Escobar in Narcos?

Tom Segura 14:49 In Narcos?

Joe Rogan 14:49 You know his name?

Tom Segura 14:49 He's a Brazilian actor.

Ari Shaffir 14:51 Yeah, they got mad that he wasn't Colombian.

Joe Rogan 14:53 He's fucking great.

Tom Segura 14:54 He's great. Yeah, he was great.

Joe Rogan 14:55 Find you, find you a Colombian guy so he can be like-

Ari Shaffir 14:56 Smoking weed the whole time.

Tom Segura 14:57 That dude, that dude didn't speak Spanish when he took that role.

Joe Rogan 14:59 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 14:59 Oh, that's right. Portuguese.

Tom Segura 15:00 He only spoke Portuguese.

Joe Rogan 15:01 So close, though.

Tom Segura 15:02 Yeah, but, but I mean like-

Ari Shaffir 15:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:04 ... you, you can, you can-

Ari Shaffir 15:05 It's not close at all.

Joe Rogan 15:06 It is close.

Tom Segura 15:07 It's not close.

Ari Shaffir 15:07 Not even remotely.

Joe Rogan 15:07 No, I have Brazilian friends who could speak a little bit of passing Spanish.

Tom Segura 15:10 You can, you can pick up on some things, but-

Joe Rogan 15:11 Yeah.

Tom Segura 15:11 For real, I feel like-

Joe Rogan 15:12 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:12 I feel like Italian is closer to Spanish than Portuguese.

Tom Segura 15:14 Italian is definitely closer than Portuguese.

Joe Rogan 15:16 Is it?

Tom Segura 15:16 Really?

Ari Shaffir 15:16 Yeah, Portuguese I think is almost Asian.

Joe Rogan 15:17 Oh, Italian is close to Spanish.

Ari Shaffir 15:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:19 'Cause I took both in college.

Tom Segura 15:20 Yeah, I don't think Portuguese is a Lat- Latin language.

Joe Rogan 15:22 It is a Latin language.

Ari Shaffir 15:23 It is a Latin language.

Tom Segura 15:23 But-

Joe Rogan 15:24 For real?

Tom Segura 15:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:24 Yeah.

Tom Segura 15:25 But-

Joe Rogan 15:25 For sure.

Tom Segura 15:26 ... it's definitely, like if someone gets r- like going in Portuguese and they speak Spanish-

Joe Rogan 15:30 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 15:30 ... you definitely don't notice half a fucking thing.

Joe Rogan 15:32 Well, they have a... Portuguese is beautiful. They have a such a song to it.

Tom Segura 15:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:35 It's like a sing s- like I always love listening to Brazilian guys talk.

Tom Segura 15:39 Like a huay, just... Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:39 Like, "Huay." What is it? "Huay."

Tom Segura 15:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:42 There's his name.

Tom Segura 15:42 Oh, Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 15:42 Yeah, Wagner Moura.

Tom Segura 15:43 Wagner Moura, yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:43 That sounds Portuguese.

Tom Segura 15:45 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:45 Dude, the guy who played-

Tom Segura 15:46 Season one, you hear him speak.

Ari Shaffir 15:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 15:48 You, you note that he definitely-

Ari Shaffir 15:51 Has an accent.

Tom Segura 15:51 Oh, a heavy non-Spanish accent.

Joe Rogan 15:54 Ah.

Tom Segura 15:54 And then he gets, season two, he definitely got better. Like you could tell he's been speaking for a while.

Ari Shaffir 15:58 Did you hear the, the location scout for Narcos, uh, got killed? By the cartel?

Tom Segura 16:02 Wasn't that for the third season?

Ari Shaffir 16:04 Maybe.

Tom Segura 16:04 For the Mexican season?

Joe Rogan 16:05 That's right, the Mexican one. Yeah.

Tom Segura 16:06 'Cause the Mexicans-

Ari Shaffir 16:08 They're still going.

Tom Segura 16:08 ... are not fucking around either.

Joe Rogan 16:09 Not playing games.

Ari Shaffir 16:09 They're like, "What, you guys think Russians do shit? Check us out."

Tom Segura 16:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:12 "Check us out."

Ari Shaffir 16:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:13 They're doing it.

Ari Shaffir 16:14 Here's a head. We don't even know what to do with it.

Joe Rogan 16:15 They just... What was that, a few weeks ago?

Tom Segura 16:17 We're not playing games.

Ari Shaffir 16:17 They, they just, uh-

Joe Rogan 16:18 The Mormons.

Ari Shaffir 16:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:19 Yeah.

Tom Segura 16:19 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:20 What?

Joe Rogan 16:20 Yeah, well, the, there's a Mormon co- th- there's a couple of Mormon colonies that left America in the 1800s when they made polygamy illegal. And they, of, including, by the way, homeboy from fucking Massachusetts, uh, the guy running for president. What the fuck's his name?

Tom Segura 16:34 I do, it's on...

Ari Shaffir 16:35 Joe Del Rey?

Tom Segura 16:35 It's on the tip of my tongue. Uh, Do- Doris.

Joe Rogan 16:37 Mitt Romney.

Tom Segura 16:38 Mitt Romney.

Ari Shaffir 16:39 (laughs) Mitt Romney.

Tom Segura 16:40 Is it Doris?

Joe Rogan 16:40 Mitt Romney's, Mitt Romney's father-

Ari Shaffir 16:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:41 ... was a brilliant guy, but could never be president because he was born in Mexico.

Tom Segura 16:45 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 16:45 Mitt Romney's family is from Mexico because they're part of the original clan that left, the clan of Mormons that wanted to fuck 80 wives. And so they moved across the border, and they developed these colonies. And so they, they've, they literally have armed guards to stop them from the cartel.

Tom Segura 17:00 Wow.

Joe Rogan 17:01 With his d- and the cartel just assassinated these women and children.

Tom Segura 17:05 Fuck, man.

Joe Rogan 17:06 Nine people, just gunned 'em down. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 17:10 The guy, Popeye, from that show.

Tom Segura 17:12 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 17:12 One of the murderers.

Joe Rogan 17:12 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 17:13 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 17:13 He's still out and does tours of the cathedral and all those places, and he will put a gun to your head, a loaded gun and-

Joe Rogan 17:21 For a selfie?

Ari Shaffir 17:22 ... let you take a picture. Yeah. (laughs)

Tom Segura 17:23 Oh my God.

Joe Rogan 17:23 He killed so many people.

Tom Segura 17:25 Oh my God.

Ari Shaffir 17:26 So, so many people.

Tom Segura 17:27 Dude, when I was-

Joe Rogan 17:27 Who the fuck is taking a gun selfie with that guy?

Ari Shaffir 17:30 Oh, he's a celebrity then.

Tom Segura 17:31 I, when I was in Australia, I was fucking wasted and I came out of some bar. I was with my, my r- tour manager, really a body... He's a Hell's Angel guy. I'm fucking stumbling out of a bar and this guy comes up with a gun and he goes, "Hey, Bert, can you take a picture holding a gun to my head?" And I was like, "Yeah," and I just took a picture while holding a gun to his head. My tour manager's like, "What the fuck are you doing?" And I was like, "I don't know." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:54 (laughs)

Tom Segura 17:54 I just fucking left. There will be a picture with me holding a gun to someone's head.

Joe Rogan 17:58 Jesus Christ.

Tom Segura 17:59 He's like, "Don't worry, it's not loaded." And I'm like, "It's your fucking head, man."

Ari Shaffir 18:01 You're like, "I didn't care either way."

Tom Segura 18:02 I just went... I was so fucking wasted.

Ari Shaffir 18:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:04 Jesus Christ.

Tom Segura 18:06 They actually made a whole series about Popeye.

Ari Shaffir 18:08 About Popeye?

Tom Segura 18:08 Uh, on... You can see it on Netflix.

18:10 ... just a- a- a-

Ari Shaffir 18:11 Popeye that guy.

Tom Segura 18:11 Yeah, but it's a dramatization. It's, um-

Bert Kreischer 18:14 That's the guy?

Joe Rogan 18:15 He's got a YouTube channel, yeah.

Tom Segura 18:15 That's, that's the real guy, yeah. That's the real guy.

Ari Shaffir 18:17 On one of the pieces of glass, he was signed Popeye in, in, like, the dust.

Tom Segura 18:20 So he was, he was Escobar's-

Bert Kreischer 18:22 Ooh.

Tom Segura 18:23 ... right-hand man.

Joe Rogan 18:24 And he's a- he's got 1.18 million subscribers?

Tom Segura 18:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:28 Oh my God.

Ari Shaffir 18:28 Bro, how do I get on his podcast?

Bert Kreischer 18:29 He's in jail right now. I just Googled it. He got arrested in May.

Tom Segura 18:31 Right now? In jail now? He's back?

Bert Kreischer 18:32 He got arrested in May. I don't know-

Tom Segura 18:33 Oh, so May, but he was, he's been out for a while. He, he served, like, 15, 20 years, um, in Colombian prison, which is like a fucking- (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:44 What?

Ari Shaffir 18:44 It's not where you wanna be in jail.

Joe Rogan 18:45 And last year, he did prison with Escobar.

Tom Segura 18:46 Well, that's the thing. It, that, that was a different thing.

Bert Kreischer 18:49 Yeah.

Tom Segura 18:49 He did that too.

Bert Kreischer 18:50 He did that too. He does one of those.

Tom Segura 18:51 He was, he was in the cathedral, but-

Ari Shaffir 18:52 So that cathedral, great view.

Tom Segura 18:55 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 18:55 It's, it's awesome. You see the whole medieval value?

Joe Rogan 18:57 He built, like, this amazing jail.

Tom Segura 18:59 Dude, he would bring in-

Ari Shaffir 19:00 The helicopter pad.

Joe Rogan 19:01 Yeah.

Tom Segura 19:01 He would bring in the Colombian national soccer team and be like, "Play with me today." And they were like, "Okay."

Bert Kreischer 19:07 (laughs)

Tom Segura 19:08 Because if we don't, like, that's a problem.

Bert Kreischer 19:10 We'll die.

Tom Segura 19:10 Yeah. Like, so they, the, the national team would just play, it'd be like, it'd be like, "I want the Lakers here now," and they're like, "They're here."

Ari Shaffir 19:16 (laughs)

Tom Segura 19:16 "Ready to play."

Ari Shaffir 19:17 There they are. They're ready. They had a game tonight but they canceled it.

Joe Rogan 19:20 Did you guys see what happened with the cartel in Mexico where they had El Chapo's son? They had him arrested and then the fucking cartel got in a shootout with the, the Mexican military.

Tom Segura 19:29 Yes, that was this year. Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:30 And they released him.

Tom Segura 19:31 Yeah. That's how strong-

Joe Rogan 19:32 They're like, "You can have him."

Tom Segura 19:32 Yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 19:33 At some point you gotta be like, "This isn't worth it."

Joe Rogan 19:37 Yeah. Well, what was really crazy, you know, I've got this guy Ed Calderon, who's been on my podcast before. He's coming on again. He's, he's one of the guys that works with the Mexican military to deal with situations that are caused by the cartel.

Ari Shaffir 19:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:49 And he said that there was a situation with Trump 'cause Trump was saying that they were gonna treat the Mexican cartel like a terrorist organization, and they were gonna literally... Because those Mormons got killed.

Tom Segura 20:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:00 And they were gonna start a, like, literally a military operation to go after the cartel. So this is at least on the table.

Tom Segura 20:07 It's on the table.

Joe Rogan 20:08 At least on the table, and they were talked out of it by the Mexican-

Tom Segura 20:10 Wow.

Joe Rogan 20:11 ... government.

Tom Segura 20:12 I wonder-

Joe Rogan 20:13 Crazy.

Tom Segura 20:13 ... what, what type of fire power they actually have.

Ari Shaffir 20:18 They must have tanks.

Tom Segura 20:20 That's abo- I'm saying like, people-

Ari Shaffir 20:21 But, like, what more?

Tom Segura 20:22 Yeah. People think, like, "Well, they definitely have some big guns," and-

Joe Rogan 20:25 They have everything.

Tom Segura 20:25 I bet they have shit that you, you've been-

Joe Rogan 20:27 They have billions and billions of dollars.

Ari Shaffir 20:27 Oh, you mean anti-aircraft shit and, like-

Tom Segura 20:29 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 20:29 ... maybe some nuclear shit.

Joe Rogan 20:30 Billions of dollars.

Tom Segura 20:31 Billions. 10- hundreds of billions of dollars, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:33 Yeah. Who knows how much money they have?

Tom Segura 20:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:35 Yeah.

Tom Segura 20:35 I mean, imagine if you're, like, the middle man between the cartel and, you know, whatever, Saudi arms dealer and you're just like, "We can't sell you stuff," and they're like, "Here's fucking $16 billion."

Joe Rogan 20:46 Bro, how crazy is Sean Penn?

Bert Kreischer 20:48 For God's sake.

Ari Shaffir 20:48 I was just thinking that.

Joe Rogan 20:49 Going there.

Bert Kreischer 20:49 Where does he go?

Joe Rogan 20:50 Sean Penn went down there to write an article for Rolling Stone.

Bert Kreischer 20:53 Where? To where?

Joe Rogan 20:53 Went, went and met with El Chapo, and he's one of the reasons why El Chapo got caught, right?

Bert Kreischer 20:57 He's the reason El Chapo got caught.

Tom Segura 20:58 He is the... Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:59 Bro.

Tom Segura 21:01 It's wild.

Ari Shaffir 21:01 What do you mean the reason he got caught? They trailed him?

Joe Rogan 21:03 Because they followed him.

Tom Segura 21:05 'Cause he went with the actress.

Ari Shaffir 21:07 Right.

Tom Segura 21:07 El Chapo loved this-

Ari Shaffir 21:08 Look at that.

Tom Segura 21:08 ... this Mexican actress and he was like, "I wanna meet her."

Joe Rogan 21:12 So look at him. He's palling around with El Chapo.

Ari Shaffir 21:13 Dude, I want that shit so bad.

Tom Segura 21:15 Bro.

Ari Shaffir 21:15 I would love to meet, like, Kim Jong-un looking.

Joe Rogan 21:17 Would you?

Tom Segura 21:17 You gotta get that shirt. You could totally pull that shirt off.

Ari Shaffir 21:19 You could pull that shirt. I could definitely pull that shirt off.

Joe Rogan 21:21 Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Tom Segura 21:21 Yep, yep.

Joe Rogan 21:21 Did you ever see when Conor McGregor bought that same shirt and was taking pictures-

Tom Segura 21:25 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:25 He was? This one?

Joe Rogan 21:26 ... with people with that same pose? Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 21:27 Really?

Joe Rogan 21:28 Conor was doing the same pose, like-

Bert Kreischer 21:29 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:30 ... and not, and not, not telling anyone.

Bert Kreischer 21:32 The same, like out-

Joe Rogan 21:32 And so everybody had to figure out what the fuck Conor was doing. Like, look at him.

Bert Kreischer 21:36 (laughs)

Tom Segura 21:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:37 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 21:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:37 Look at his face. Look at his face.

Bert Kreischer 21:42 That might be my favorite thing ever.

Joe Rogan 21:44 He's just a fucking animal. Goddamn, I love that guy. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:49 Come on, man. Pretty fucking close.

Tom Segura 21:51 Nice.

Bert Kreischer 21:51 There's nothing better in the world than a joke that no one gets but you.

Ari Shaffir 21:54 And he wasn't explaining it at all.

Bert Kreischer 21:56 I know.

Ari Shaffir 21:56 He was like, "Yeah."

Joe Rogan 21:57 And people picked up on it. It's just this, the handshake thing. I mean, Conor is normally, like, you know, putting his fist in p- people's faces and talking shit, and in that one he's got his hand out like he's gonna shake hands.

Bert Kreischer 22:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:08 Look at it. It's like the same thing. He's holding his hand out andi , uh, Del Sano isn't even thinking about shaking his hand.

Ari Shaffir 22:13 He's not even looking to get his hand shaken.

Joe Rogan 22:15 Look at Dana White.

Ari Shaffir 22:15 He's, he's-

Joe Rogan 22:15 Dana White's going, "I'm gonna make so much money."

Bert Kreischer 22:17 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 22:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:17 "Oh my God, I'm gonna make so much money from this fight."

Bert Kreischer 22:19 Didn't Conor go make Gregory's fight already sell out?

Joe Rogan 22:22 Um, the cowboy fight?

Bert Kreischer 22:23 His cowboy... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:24 Yeah, sure.

Bert Kreischer 22:24 It sold out in, $10 million at the gate.

Joe Rogan 22:26 Well, sure. You guys wanna go?

Ari Shaffir 22:27 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 22:27 Yes, yes.

Ari Shaffir 22:28 You wanna... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:28 All right, I'll get up. January 18th.

Bert Kreischer 22:31 Ooh, so is it a week- I ca- I, yeah, I'm free on the 18th.

Tom Segura 22:33 Okay.

Joe Rogan 22:33 All right, I got you.

Bert Kreischer 22:33 You know what? I could cancel Australia. I'm actually just-

Joe Rogan 22:35 Jamie's going.

Ari Shaffir 22:36 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:36 Jamie, you're going, right?

Ari Shaffir 22:37 You should cancel Australia, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 22:39 Hey, this is the one thing I'm gonna take you up on.

Tom Segura 22:41 I know, because that's the game, right?

Bert Kreischer 22:41 I definitely want to go.

Ari Shaffir 22:42 Oh, for the first time?

Tom Segura 22:43 No, no. I've been before.

Ari Shaffir 22:44 You went finally.

Tom Segura 22:45 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:45 Oh, dude. You sh- I, I was thinking-

Bert Kreischer 22:46 Please cancel Australia.

Ari Shaffir 22:47 ... you should only cancel Australia. You should never do it and every two years plan a tour and then cancel it.

Tom Segura 22:52 I get so many messages about it.

Bert Kreischer 22:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:55 When is your shows in Australia?

Tom Segura 22:56 I, I leave here the 14th.

Joe Rogan 22:58 Why don't you move them?

Tom Segura 22:59 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 23:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:01 Just make a call to your agent.

Ari Shaffir 23:03 Don't do it.

Joe Rogan 23:03 Just tell them.

Tom Segura 23:03 That's why we have agents, right?

Joe Rogan 23:04 Listen, it's another country. They won't even notice.

Tom Segura 23:06 That's true. They don't watch this, right?

Joe Rogan 23:08 They're not even listening.

Tom Segura 23:08 No.

Joe Rogan 23:09 No.

Tom Segura 23:09 All right.

Joe Rogan 23:11 (coughs)

Bert Kreischer 23:11 Birdie Boy World Tour picks up, uh, January 30th, everybody.

Joe Rogan 23:14 Why, why Birdie Boy?

Bert Kreischer 23:14 New material.

Joe Rogan 23:15 What is Birdie Boy?

Bert Kreischer 23:15 It's what my kids call me.

Joe Rogan 23:17 Aw, that's cute, Birdie Boy.

Bert Kreischer 23:17 My kids and my wife, everyone calls me Birdie Boy.

Joe Rogan 23:19 Aw, Birdie Boy.

Bert Kreischer 23:20 Yeah, just put tickets. Addy shows everyone. Go to burpertburt.com.

Joe Rogan 23:24 Look at that. There's a plug. We didn't even see it coming.

Tom Segura 23:27 Ah.

Bert Kreischer 23:27 Tom was better with his plug about Australia. Good job, buddy. You still gotta sell tickets, huh?

Tom Segura 23:31 It's been sold out for a while.

Joe Rogan 23:33 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 23:33 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 23:33 That dance video didn't hurt, did it?

Tom Segura 23:35 Sorry, bitch.

Ari Shaffir 23:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:37 Now, how did you respond when you saw yourself get stabbed?

Bert Kreischer 23:40 I was a little, uh-

Ari Shaffir 23:41 Marching.

Bert Kreischer 23:41 I was a little confused (laughs) and then I was like, I, I was-

Tom Segura 23:45 Oh, you were like, "Was that me?"

Joe Rogan 23:46 He was very aggressive.

Tom Segura 23:48 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 23:48 I was, I was... It was very aggressive.

Joe Rogan 23:48 Very aggressive. I didn't understand the carrot either. What was up with the carrot?

Tom Segura 23:51 It's from, um, Steven Seagal. That's who I was dressed as.

Joe Rogan 23:54 Right, I know that, yeah.

Tom Segura 23:55 The president of Belarus gave him a carrot. It's like the Conor thing.

Bert Kreischer 23:58 Oh. (laughs)

Tom Segura 23:58 The president of Belarus gave him a carrot one time-

Bert Kreischer 24:01 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:01 ... and then Seagal just ate it on camera.

Joe Rogan 24:03 Look at him. He's there with the carrot.

Tom Segura 24:04 It's just weird, so I just started with the carrot.

Joe Rogan 24:06 Ugh, you had the same outfit and everything.

Tom Segura 24:08 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 24:08 It was-

Joe Rogan 24:09 The fucking hair.

Tom Segura 24:09 And the hair. The-

Joe Rogan 24:09 The glasses.

Tom Segura 24:10 The fucking jet black hair.

Joe Rogan 24:12 That hair is so ridiculous.

Tom Segura 24:13 It's like 62 in this photo.

Bert Kreischer 24:15 You know... Do you remember when we were, we were, we were in the Whoops and we, you said, "One day, Tom, your, your numbers will be through the roof," and he was like, "Ah, I got lost in the canyons."

Ari Shaffir 24:22 And you were filming the thing that day?

Bert Kreischer 24:23 It was when he was filming and he was dancing all day.

Tom Segura 24:25 Dude, it was my, uh-

Joe Rogan 24:27 Wow.

Tom Segura 24:27 ... my... What's it called on Whoop? It's your exertion.

Joe Rogan 24:29 Whoop, yeah.

Tom Segura 24:29 The, uh, activity level.

Bert Kreischer 24:30 Right.

Tom Segura 24:30 19.8 that day.

Joe Rogan 24:32 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:32 You know, uh, like, it was-

Bert Kreischer 24:34 ... uh, 5,800 calories burned. (laughs) It was fucking, it was killer too.

Joe Rogan 24:39 Well, you remember that one day when I burned 6,000 calories? And you're like, "What the fuck?"

Ari Shaffir 24:43 Yeah, what were you doing?

Bert Kreischer 24:43 Elk hunting.

Ari Shaffir 24:43 Elk hunting.

Tom Segura 24:44 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 24:45 Just running all day.

Joe Rogan 24:45 Just going up the mountains. Those exc- all the mountains.

Bert Kreischer 24:47 By just hauling deer and-

Joe Rogan 24:48 T- 10 hours a day.

Tom Segura 24:49 That's how you got us in the strap the year before.

Bert Kreischer 24:52 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:52 All day long working that.

Joe Rogan 24:52 Well, I got you because I'm a psycho.

Bert Kreischer 24:54 Yeah.

Tom Segura 24:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:54 Really.

Ari Shaffir 24:54 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:55 I was gonna get you no matter what.

Tom Segura 24:56 (laughs) Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:57 I told you guys, you gotta be ready to die.

Tom Segura 24:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 24:59 But I told-

Tom Segura 25:01 (laughs) That's why we wanted you in the dance video.

Ari Shaffir 25:02 (laughs)

Tom Segura 25:02 We wanted to see what you would do. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 25:04 The snapping.

Bert Kreischer 25:05 Joe, Joe, Joe, I'm telling you right now.

Joe Rogan 25:06 Yeah, no time for that.

Tom Segura 25:07 Hey, Joe.

Bert Kreischer 25:07 Mm-hmm.

Tom Segura 25:07 Hi. You will, you will break the two of us in half, crying laughing, if just one day on your own, you film some dance video that's better than ours-

Bert Kreischer 25:18 Hmm, that's gonna happen.

Tom Segura 25:18 ... you realize... Oh, that's good. Keep going like that.

Bert Kreischer 25:22 It's gonna happen.

Tom Segura 25:22 And then surprise us.

Ari Shaffir 25:23 (laughs)

Tom Segura 25:23 Surprise us. I like the, I like the way you're rolling it.

Joe Rogan 25:25 It's cute. It's cute.

Tom Segura 25:26 I laugh so hard.

Joe Rogan 25:27 Ari and I actually talked about it. Ari had a great idea.

Bert Kreischer 25:30 About doing one?

Joe Rogan 25:30 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 25:31 Oh, shit.

Joe Rogan 25:31 Ari had a great idea of us recreating the scene from, uh, Dirty Dancing.

Bert Kreischer 25:35 Oh.

Joe Rogan 25:35 Me and him.

Tom Segura 25:35 Uh, beep per beep. God.

Bert Kreischer 25:37 That's the ex- that's exactly what we're talking about.

Tom Segura 25:39 Yeah. Just, guys, just take a weekend.

Ari Shaffir 25:42 (laughs)

Tom Segura 25:43 It's just, it all takes is a weekend.

Joe Rogan 25:44 Well, I would have to catch him.

Tom Segura 25:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:45 He's not gonna catch me.

Tom Segura 25:46 No shit. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:47 And that's a lot of... What do you weigh, like a buck 70 at least, right?

Tom Segura 25:51 Uh, yeah, around 175.

Joe Rogan 25:52 So a buck 70 like that, that's a lot of weight, man. You gotta be prepared. I would have to train for that.

Bert Kreischer 25:57 You have to train for it, yeah. You have to train.

Joe Rogan 25:58 I'd have to do a lot of heavy kettlebells.

Tom Segura 26:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:01 'Cause that's dead weight. Here it is. Here's the scene.

Tom Segura 26:03 This is what, this whole scene, you know-

Joe Rogan 26:05 So this is Ari and Te- okay, this is, this is awkward. (laughs) This is right here.

Ari Shaffir 26:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:09 This is me as a-

Tom Segura 26:10 I'm crying laughing.

Joe Rogan 26:11 This is a problem.

Tom Segura 26:11 I'm crying laughing.

Bert Kreischer 26:12 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:12 This is gonna be a problem no matter what because he's a foot taller than me.

Bert Kreischer 26:14 You've gotta wear that dress. You've gotta wear that dress.

Tom Segura 26:16 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 26:16 Oh.

Tom Segura 26:16 Obviously, I already have the dress. And the nose. So I'll just hem it. And the nose.

Joe Rogan 26:19 The nose is already Jewish. The nose is close, right?

Tom Segura 26:21 It's gray as the... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:22 The nose is close.

Tom Segura 26:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:23 He'd kiss me though. The problem is, if we got that close-

Ari Shaffir 26:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:25 ... Ari would sneak in a kiss-

Bert Kreischer 26:26 He definitely would.

Joe Rogan 26:27 ... and I'd throw up in his face.

Bert Kreischer 26:28 Joe. Joe.

Tom Segura 26:29 (laughs) We have to keep going.

Joe Rogan 26:30 Look at this.

Bert Kreischer 26:33 You guys gotta do this.

Joe Rogan 26:33 Nope, not doing it.

Ari Shaffir 26:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:35 Dude, I learned how to dance for that fucking Zookeeper movie. It was a long two weeks of learning it. And I, I got to dance with Leslie Bibb, who's hot and cool.

Tom Segura 26:44 I'm hot? I'm cool.

Joe Rogan 26:45 You're cool.

Tom Segura 26:46 All right. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:47 (laughs)

Tom Segura 26:47 At least give me cool.

Joe Rogan 26:48 I wish Jennifer Grey didn't get her nose fixed.

Tom Segura 26:50 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 26:51 Yeah. Her and Renee Zellweger.

Joe Rogan 26:53 Well, Renee Zellweger did some weird stuff, right? Like, she's a different human.

Tom Segura 26:57 She's a d- I don't even rem- I don't know.

Bert Kreischer 26:58 You know who else looks weird?

Tom Segura 26:59 She was great in that fucking movie about, uh, Judy Garland though, right?

Joe Rogan 27:01 I heard she was great, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 27:02 Did you see-

Tom Segura 27:02 She was amazing.

Bert Kreischer 27:02 ... uh, Meg Ryan? Like, didn't you know she went away at like fair-

Joe Rogan 27:05 Oh, yeah, she had a bunch of stuff done.

Bert Kreischer 27:06 No, you saw her, and then she looked totally different. Totally different.

Joe Rogan 27:08 Th- they do the lips-

Tom Segura 27:08 Horrible.

Joe Rogan 27:09 Once y- once you do the lips, man-

Bert Kreischer 27:10 No, she didn't look horrible.

Tom Segura 27:11 She came back with something-

Bert Kreischer 27:11 But she just looked so dif- she looked unrecognizable-

Joe Rogan 27:14 She started doing lips.

Ari Shaffir 27:14 Right.

Bert Kreischer 27:14 ... as, as herself. Yeah, lips-

Joe Rogan 27:15 You do your lips, it's like, that's, your, the Fibonacci sequence is all off.

Bert Kreischer 27:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:20 Your, your, you look at someone's l- their, well, their lips are off, you're like, "Hey, what the..." Like, I didn't know Eliza had a nose job. She was explaining to me that she had a nose job. And I go, "Oh, well it's a fucking good one." So I paid a lot of money for it, yeah.

Tom Segura 27:32 Wow, yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:32 See, w- this is what happens when women get their face lift, their f- their mouth gets too big.

Tom Segura 27:37 Right.

Joe Rogan 27:37 It's like, why is your... Yeah, because you're pulling your mouth on the sides, so the hole is larger-

Bert Kreischer 27:42 Right.

Joe Rogan 27:42 ... than your mouth, right? So you have this-

Tom Segura 27:45 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 27:45 God, she was beautiful.

Joe Rogan 27:46 same-

Ari Shaffir 27:46 Yes.

Tom Segura 27:46 She was so beautiful.

Bert Kreischer 27:47 She was so hot.

Joe Rogan 27:48 Yeah.

Tom Segura 27:48 In the Presidio? Was that like-

Bert Kreischer 27:49 Yeah.

Tom Segura 27:49 ... that right then?

Bert Kreischer 27:50 Oh.

Joe Rogan 27:51 Mm-hmm. It's rough being a l- a lady, man. You know, because-

Bert Kreischer 27:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:55 ... when you're a guy and you get older, you're just a guy who's older. When you're a woman, your, your, all your power is gone, right? All the doors are open for you because you're a- at- attractive. You're beautiful-

Bert Kreischer 28:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:05 ... you know?

Tom Segura 28:06 And it, and our plastic surgery works. Uh, the guys that have plugs-

Joe Rogan 28:09 No, it doesn't.

Tom Segura 28:09 No, hold on. Bullshit. The guys who have hair transplants today-

Bert Kreischer 28:13 The new ones are crazy.

Tom Segura 28:14 ... oh, okay, so you cannot fucking tell.

Joe Rogan 28:15 Yeah, but it depends on your hair, right? I have thin hair. It's fine, my hair is fine. So when I got a hair transplant, even when I had it, it was still ratty. And it kept falling out. And at a certain point in time, I had to make a decision.

Tom Segura 28:26 That Bill Burr bit where he's like, "You have to get it today." Not, not 20 years ago when it looks like you got ants legs stapled to your forehead. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 28:33 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:33 I got it before that. I mean, after that.

Tom Segura 28:35 I didn't know you had s-

Bert Kreischer 28:36 They-

Tom Segura 28:36 ... had them done before-

Joe Rogan 28:37 I haven't-

Tom Segura 28:37 ... showing them on your head.

Joe Rogan 28:38 ... I have a fucking scar in the back of my head.

Tom Segura 28:39 It looks like somebody axed them.

Joe Rogan 28:41 So it's mild. It's a public service announcement for anybody thinking about getting a hair transplant.

Ari Shaffir 28:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:44 Go look at my head. Don't do that.

Bert Kreischer 28:45 Look at your head.

Joe Rogan 28:45 Don't do that.

Tom Segura 28:46 Tom's thinking about it.

Bert Kreischer 28:47 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:48 He's beautiful. He doesn't need that.

Tom Segura 28:49 He wants th- he wants me to give him my hair.

Bert Kreischer 28:52 Yes.

Joe Rogan 28:52 Ball hair.

Tom Segura 28:52 'Cause he's like, "You got so much hair, Bert."

Bert Kreischer 28:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:54 Imagine if you just did your ball hair.

Ari Shaffir 28:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:56 The ball hair.

Tom Segura 28:57 I love it when-

Joe Rogan 28:59 I'm telling you right now, hey, Joe.

Bert Kreischer 29:03 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 29:03 You will, you will break the two of us in half, crying laughing, if just one day on your own, you film some dance video that's better than ours.

Bert Kreischer 29:07 Hmm, that's gonna happen.

Joe Rogan 29:14 You realize... Oh, that's good. Keep going like that.

Ari Shaffir 29:21 Something will happen.

Tom Segura 29:22 And then surprise us. Surprise us.

Ari Shaffir 29:23 (laughs)

Tom Segura 29:23 I like th- I like the way you're rolling it.

Joe Rogan 29:24 It's cute. (clears throat) It's cute.

Tom Segura 29:27 I laugh so hard.

Joe Rogan 29:27 Ari and I actually talked about it. Ari had a great idea.

Bert Kreischer 29:27 About doing one?

Joe Rogan 29:27 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 29:27 I should do it.

Joe Rogan 29:27 Ari had a great idea of us recreating the scene from, uh, Dirty Dancing.

Tom Segura 29:31 Oh.

Joe Rogan 29:31 Me and him.

Tom Segura 29:31 Beat for beat.

Bert Kreischer 29:32 God, that's the e- that's exactly what we're talking about.

Tom Segura 29:37 Yeah. Just, guys, just take a weekend.

Ari Shaffir 29:38 (laughs)

Tom Segura 29:38 It's just, it all takes is a weekend.

Joe Rogan 29:40 Well, I would have to catch him.

Tom Segura 29:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:40 He's not gonna catch me.

Tom Segura 29:40 No shit. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 29:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:40 And that's a lot of... What do you weigh, like a buck 70 at least, right?

Tom Segura 29:58 Uh, yeah, around 175.

Joe Rogan 30:04 So a buck 70 like that, that's a lot of weight, man. You gotta be prepared. I would have to train for that.

Bert Kreischer 30:13 You'd have to train for it. Yeah, you have to train.

Joe Rogan 30:15 I'd have to do a lot of heavy kettlebells.

Tom Segura 30:15 You know.

Joe Rogan 30:15 'Cause that's dead weight. Here it is. Here's the scene.

Tom Segura 30:16 This is what, this whole scene, you know-

Joe Rogan 30:16 So this is Ari and Te- okay, this is, this is awkward.

Ari Shaffir 30:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:16 This is right here, this is me as a...

Tom Segura 30:18 I'm crying laughing. I'm crying laughing.

Joe Rogan 30:22 Oh, yeah. This is gonna be a problem no matter what because he's a foot tall-

Bert Kreischer 30:26 You've gotta wear that dress. You've gotta wear that dress.

Tom Segura 30:26 Oh.

Joe Rogan 30:26 ... obviously, I already have the dress.

Tom Segura 30:27 And the nose. So I'll just hem it. And the nose. The nose is already Jewish.

Joe Rogan 30:30 The nose is close, right?

Tom Segura 30:30 This gray is... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:31 The nose is close.

Tom Segura 30:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:31 He'd kiss me though. The problem is, if we got that close, Ari would sneak in a kiss-

Bert Kreischer 30:38 He definitely would.

Joe Rogan 30:39 ... and I'd throw up in his face.

Bert Kreischer 30:40 Joe. Joe.

Tom Segura 30:40 (laughs) We have to keep going.

Joe Rogan 30:40 Look at this.

Bert Kreischer 30:40 You guys gotta do this.

Joe Rogan 30:40 Nope, not doing it.

Ari Shaffir 30:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:40 Dude, I learned how to dance for that fucking Zookeeper movie. It was a long two weeks of learning it. And I, I got to dance with Leslie Bibb, who's hot and cool.

Tom Segura 30:40 I'm hot? I'm cool.

Joe Rogan 30:40 You're cool.

Tom Segura 30:40 All right.

Ari Shaffir 30:40 (laughs)

Tom Segura 30:40 Please give me cool.

Joe Rogan 30:40 I wish Jennifer Grey didn't get her nose fixed.

Tom Segura 30:40 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:40 Yeah, her and Renee Zellweger.

Joe Rogan 30:40 Well, Renee Zellweger did some weird stuff, right? Like, she's a different human.

Tom Segura 30:40 She doesn't... I don't even re- I don't know...

Bert Kreischer 30:41 You know who else looks good?

Tom Segura 30:41 She was great in that fucking movie about, uh, Judy Garland though.

Joe Rogan 30:41 I heard she was great, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:41 Did you see, uh, Meg Ryan? Like, you know how she went away at like fair... Oh, yeah, she had a bunch of stuff done. And then she looked totally different. Totally different.

Joe Rogan 30:41 O- o- once y-

Tom Segura 30:41 Horrible.

Joe Rogan 30:41 ... once you do the lips, man-

Bert Kreischer 30:41 No, she didn't look horrible. Someone-

Joe Rogan 30:41 ... she just looks so dif-

Tom Segura 30:41 She starts doing lips.

Bert Kreischer 30:41 ... she looks unrecognizable-

Joe Rogan 30:41 Right.

Bert Kreischer 30:41 ... as, as herself. Yeah, lips.

Joe Rogan 30:41 You do your lips, it's like, that's, your, the Fibonacci sequence is all off.

Bert Kreischer 30:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:41 Your, your, you look at someone's l- their, well, their lips are off, you're like, "Hey, what the..." Like, I didn't know Eliza had a nose job. She was explaining to me that she had a nose job. And I go, "Oh, well it's a fucking good one." She's like, "I paid a lot of money for it." Yeah.

Tom Segura 30:42 Wow, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:42 See, w- this is what happens when women get their face lift, their f- their mouth gets too big.

Tom Segura 30:42 Right.

Joe Rogan 30:42 It's like, why is your... Yeah, because you're pulling your mouth on the sides, so the hole is larger-

Bert Kreischer 30:42 Right.

Joe Rogan 30:42 ... than your mouth, right? So you have this-

Tom Segura 30:42 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 30:42 God, she was beautiful.

Joe Rogan 30:42 ... sink-

Tom Segura 30:42 She was so beautiful.

Ari Shaffir 30:42 She was so hot.

Tom Segura 30:42 So hot in the Presidio? Was that like that right then?

Bert Kreischer 30:42 Oh.

Joe Rogan 30:42 Mm-hmm. It's rough being a l- a lady, man. You know, because-

Bert Kreischer 30:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:42 ... when you're a guy and you get older, you're just a guy who's older. When you're a woman, your, your, all your power is gone, right? All the doors

Bert Kreischer 30:42 ... the, uh, when I got my Brazilian wax, I remember the first time I farted, it was like my asses were cla- ass cheeks were clapping.

Joe Rogan 30:48 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:48 It goes, (clapping sound) and you're like-

Joe Rogan 30:50 And you're like, "Why is-"

Bert Kreischer 30:50 ... shut the fuck up.

Tom Segura 30:51 The hair.

Joe Rogan 30:51 What is happening with the hair?

Tom Segura 30:52 Just catching that air. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:53 Hair muffles it. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:53 Hair is muffling your fart.

Tom Segura 30:55 It's muffling your farts, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:56 That's so weird, man.

Bert Kreischer 30:57 That's, you're the first person to ever say it, 'cause no- no one's ever can relate to that.

Joe Rogan 31:00 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 31:00 And I've always said, "Man, my farts were so fucking loud."

Joe Rogan 31:03 That's 'cause your other friends are grownups.

Tom Segura 31:05 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 31:05 Did you have a sci- did you have a scientist on here yesterday?

Joe Rogan 31:08 I've had many scientists on.

Tom Segura 31:10 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 31:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:10 Basically biologists and shit, people looking for lost species.

Bert Kreischer 31:14 Hey, do you let the water on the bidet go into your asshole sometimes to-

Joe Rogan 31:17 Right in there, and I have to shit.

Bert Kreischer 31:18 ... and then do, it goes out, you can, like, almost, like, flush it out?

Joe Rogan 31:21 If I have a shit that's kinda halfway stuck, like, I take a shit-

Tom Segura 31:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:24 ... and then I start cleaning, I'm like, "I think there's more up there." And so I'll just really concentrate that jet right in my butthole.

Tom Segura 31:30 Right in the hole, yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:30 And it gets in there, and then all of a sudden, yikes.

Tom Segura 31:32 Boom.

Joe Rogan 31:32 It's like there was a castaway. There was, like, some hidden shit that was trying to hang out in there.

Tom Segura 31:36 Yep, and then it-

Bert Kreischer 31:37 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 31:37 It just makes a plop.

Bert Kreischer 31:38 I love that. It breaks the O-ring?

Joe Rogan 31:39 Yeah.

Tom Segura 31:39 You take a m- like a, take a sloppy shit, and you're like, "Ugh."

Joe Rogan 31:42 Ugh.

Tom Segura 31:42 And then you let it run a full cycle.

Joe Rogan 31:45 Oh, full cycle.

Tom Segura 31:45 And then you wipe and there's something still there. You're like, "I got problems."

Bert Kreischer 31:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:49 I got problem, yeah.

Tom Segura 31:49 This would've been a problem in '97.

Joe Rogan 31:51 That's the problem with hair. When I wipe, sometimes I wipe it with hair, and the s- the width of the smear is so disgusting-

Tom Segura 31:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:57 ... that I just take a shower.

Tom Segura 31:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:59 I'm like, "What is-"

Bert Kreischer 31:59 I go straight to shower. Shit showers are good.

Joe Rogan 32:00 Oh, God.

Tom Segura 32:01 You shit shower all the time.

Bert Kreischer 32:02 Yeah.

Tom Segura 32:02 You go with no wiping.

Bert Kreischer 32:03 No wipe.

Tom Segura 32:04 You're a fucking animal, no wipe.

Joe Rogan 32:05 Ew, I wipe first.

Bert Kreischer 32:06 (laughs) Why?

Joe Rogan 32:06 Because it's too much. I don't want shit in the floor and the towel.

Tom Segura 32:09 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:09 You don't leave it there.

Joe Rogan 32:10 It's like a toilet.

Bert Kreischer 32:12 What do you mean? (laughs) It goes down.

Tom Segura 32:13 Man, you're fucking sick.

Bert Kreischer 32:13 You're fucking out of your mind.

Joe Rogan 32:13 In the fucking tub.

Tom Segura 32:13 You're not cleaning it good, though.

Bert Kreischer 32:14 Cleaning what? Yo, with the water?

Joe Rogan 32:15 Cleaning the floor? You got shit, bacteria on your floor.

Bert Kreischer 32:19 Stop. Stop.

Tom Segura 32:19 Stop.

Bert Kreischer 32:20 Stomp, stomp in the drain. Stomp in the drain.

Joe Rogan 32:21 Joey Diaz used to tell me a story once about how he had to take a shit. So he took a shit in the, in the bathtub-

Tom Segura 32:26 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 32:26 Oh.

Joe Rogan 32:26 ... and then he had to smoosh it with his foot to get it to go down the drain. It all wouldn't go down.

Bert Kreischer 32:30 It doesn't when it's too fat to use the toilet?

Tom Segura 32:32 Dude.

Bert Kreischer 32:32 Here, put it back in.

Tom Segura 32:33 He told me a few times.

Joe Rogan 32:34 Do you remember those logs he used to leave? He used to leave logs and he'd say, "Come look at this."

Tom Segura 32:38 He used to?

Joe Rogan 32:38 And he would go in there. No, no. His, when he was really big.

Bert Kreischer 32:42 He couldn't because his ass pushed him fr- front of the toilet-

Joe Rogan 32:45 Yeah, he had too much ass.

Bert Kreischer 32:45 ... so he couldn't get all the way back there.

Joe Rogan 32:46 So his, his giant-

Tom Segura 32:47 Oh, yeah. Why aren't we drinking?

Joe Rogan 32:48 ... shits would le-

Bert Kreischer 32:49 Drink.

Joe Rogan 32:49 ... they would lit, they would land on the beach in front of the water. They didn't land on the water.

Tom Segura 32:55 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 32:55 So they never really flushed.

Tom Segura 32:57 Oh my God.

Bert Kreischer 32:57 So good.

Joe Rogan 32:57 So you just see them and they're like... (groans)

Tom Segura 33:00 He sends me photos.

Joe Rogan 33:01 Oh, all the time.

Tom Segura 33:01 Still. Yeah, of shits.

Joe Rogan 33:02 All the time.

Bert Kreischer 33:02 His, now that he texts, he's texting like a fucking ninth grader.

Tom Segura 33:06 Yeah, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 33:06 He's like, "Yo, you see the monkey on this chick?"

Tom Segura 33:08 Everything.

Joe Rogan 33:08 He sends, he sends me pictures.

Tom Segura 33:09 Everything.

Bert Kreischer 33:10 Dude, my shits in Colombia from all the, just the greasy, oily bunuelos and chicharrones.

Tom Segura 33:15 Oh.

Joe Rogan 33:15 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 33:15 It, it was the consis- first of, many times a day. And it was just consis- it was just-

Joe Rogan 33:20 Probably helps.

Tom Segura 33:20 Sloth.

Bert Kreischer 33:20 ... like soft serve, like it, it was like if you fed a puppy too many treats.

Tom Segura 33:29 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:31 Bro, when my Pu- when Marshall was a puppy, it, one thing that happens to some dogs is when they're babies, they try to eat their shit. And so he was shitting and trying to eat it at the same time. So he'd spin around in a circle and try to bite it as it was coming out of the hole. Like, he was trying to eat it right out of the tap.

Tom Segura 33:45 Yeah, right out of his ass.

Bert Kreischer 33:46 Yeah.

Tom Segura 33:46 The, Joey told me one time that, uh, he was about shitting in the shower and he was like, "Yeah, it's great. I did it all the time." I was like, "You fucking shit in the shower?"

Bert Kreischer 33:56 Shit in the shower? Ugh.

Tom Segura 33:56 And he's like, "Yeah."

Bert Kreischer 33:57 That's too much for me.

Tom Segura 33:57 He goes, "And then it's like, if it's, like, a log, I just shit, and then I just toss it, uh, to the toilet."

Joe Rogan 34:02 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:02 Oh, no way.

Tom Segura 34:02 I was like, "Come on." And then, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 34:06 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:06 And then he, he said-

Joe Rogan 34:08 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 34:08 Ugh.

Tom Segura 34:09 ... he said that-

Joe Rogan 34:10 How much practice does he have in doing that?

Tom Segura 34:11 Well, I go-

Bert Kreischer 34:12 Come on, you must have missed before.

Joe Rogan 34:13 You throw a crumpled piece of paper. You go for-

Tom Segura 34:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:15 ... the can, you miss.

Tom Segura 34:16 Oh, missing that.

Bert Kreischer 34:17 Missing would be so bad.

Joe Rogan 34:20 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:20 He said that, I go, "You s- did you stop to ... That's so fucking revolting. Did you s-" He goes, he's like, "I had to."

Bert Kreischer 34:26 (laughs)

Tom Segura 34:26 I go, "Why?"

Bert Kreischer 34:27 Why?

Tom Segura 34:27 He goes, "My wife saw me do it one time and she said, 'No more.' No more after that."

Bert Kreischer 34:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:31 My wife saw me too one time.

Bert Kreischer 34:33 Can you imagine walking in on someone with shit in their hand, like, "I can explain."

Tom Segura 34:37 Throwing shit?

Joe Rogan 34:38 Oh my God, it's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 34:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:40 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 34:40 I didn't want to leave it in the, in the bathtub.

Joe Rogan 34:42 I farted once in the, in the, in the shower and I shit all over the place.

Tom Segura 34:45 You did?

Bert Kreischer 34:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:46 Yeah.

Tom Segura 34:46 Oh.

Joe Rogan 34:47 I wasn't feeling that good. And I was, I farted, just splat all over the, all over the floor.

Bert Kreischer 34:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:52 But I have one of those, you know, those handheld jimmies.

Tom Segura 34:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:54 And I just had to wind up-

Tom Segura 34:55 Just rinse it down.

Joe Rogan 34:56 ... rinsing it down.

Tom Segura 34:57 Poof.

Joe Rogan 34:57 Pu- it's, I was in that shower for, like, a half an hour. And then I squirt shampoo-

Tom Segura 35:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:01 ... all over the bottom and-

Tom Segura 35:02 You're like, "This'll do it. This'll clean it."

Joe Rogan 35:03 ... washed it down.

Bert Kreischer 35:04 Like it's a murder scene.

Joe Rogan 35:05 And then I left, and then I came back in just to get a fresh smell of it.

Tom Segura 35:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:09 'Cause, you know, you don't, you know, all factory sensors are weird because they don't detect smell. They detect changes in smell.

Tom Segura 35:15 That's right.

Joe Rogan 35:15 That's why people in Pennsylvania who live near those cattle ranches-

Bert Kreischer 35:18 Oh, they don't smell anymore.

Joe Rogan 35:19 ... they don't smell shit anymore.

Tom Segura 35:20 Right.

Joe Rogan 35:20 'Cause if you go to, like, my parents used to live in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, and I used to go to dr- drive to visit them from the city. Oh my God, there's a stretch that you drive that's all just cattle ranches and just horrible fucking smell.

Bert Kreischer 35:32 Cool. I'll be there on the Pretty Boy Tour. Ugh.

Tom Segura 35:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:35 It's a great town, it's a great town.

Bert Kreischer 35:36 It smells like what?

Joe Rogan 35:37 They're, they'll be happy there. It smells like death and shit.

Bert Kreischer 35:39 (laughs)

Tom Segura 35:40 Wow.

Joe Rogan 35:40 There's two things that are happening there, slaughterhouses and fucking, and, and cow shit.

Tom Segura 35:44 Cow shit, yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:45 So you just get this, like, that methane stuff that they talk about, like, being a contributor to greenhouse gases, that's fucking legit, 100%. And apparently, you can, they can do something about that if they just add a certain amount of seaweed to a cow's diet.

Bert Kreischer 35:59 You just refused.

Tom Segura 35:59 And they just, you just blew my mind. So smell is, it's the change in smell that you notice.

Joe Rogan 36:04 Yes.

Tom Segura 36:04 It's not the smell.

Joe Rogan 36:05 Right. That's why people who stink don't notice they stink. That's also why when you smoke a joint, you don't notice it. But everybody else around you, they come, they go, "Oh my God, you guys are high as fuck."

Bert Kreischer 36:14 Or-

Joe Rogan 36:14 They, they come in the room and they smell weed.

Bert Kreischer 36:16 ... why Indian people can live in Indian people's homes.

Joe Rogan 36:18 Oh, you piece of shit.

Tom Segura 36:20 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:20 Bro, it's curry. It's not bad. I had Indian food tonight.

Bert Kreischer 36:23 I love Indian food. First time I ever had ... I never had Indian food. When I was in Russia, we got, uh, str- lap dances from these strippers.

Joe Rogan 36:32 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:32 And they had all eaten Indian food.

Tom Segura 36:33 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 36:33 I'd never, I'd never smelled curry before, so-

Joe Rogan 36:35 Fart an onion.

Bert Kreischer 36:35 ... 'cause I'd only grown up in Florida. We didn't have Indian restaurants and I lived in Tallahassee. And I, the smell was so disgusting. I was like, "These are the dis- most disgusting smelling women I've ever been with." Kudzu,

36:46 ... probably, probably 15 years later, I'm having dinner with my wife, first time I ever had Indian food, and they bring it... Uh, well we walk in the restaurant and I go-

Ari Shaffir 36:53 You got a boner.

Bert Kreischer 36:53 ... "Dude, it smells like, it smells like a Russian hooker."

Tom Segura 36:55 Yeah. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 36:56 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:56 I'm about to cum in my pants. (laughs)

Tom Segura 36:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:59 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:59 And I realize, "Oh, it must've been Indian food."

Ari Shaffir 37:03 Oh my God, that's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 37:04 That's... So that blows my mind. It's just-

Joe Rogan 37:06 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 37:06 ... the change in smell that you notice.

Joe Rogan 37:08 Yeah.

Tom Segura 37:08 Change in smell.

Bert Kreischer 37:08 That's why when you fart-

Joe Rogan 37:09 Yeah, right. You smell-

Bert Kreischer 37:12 ... that's fucking awesome.

Ari Shaffir 37:12 When you f- you smell it for a second, yeah.

Tom Segura 37:13 Yeah, but you also-

Joe Rogan 37:14 All factory senses are designed to detect changes.

Tom Segura 37:16 You're not... Uh, your body, your brain sends a signal to you that the smell-

Ari Shaffir 37:21 To be ready for it.

Tom Segura 37:22 ... th- tha- and that's why it doesn't affect you as much as someone else's fart.

Joe Rogan 37:24 No, there's something about the relief.

Ari Shaffir 37:25 No, you're right. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 37:26 Oh, this fucking is blowing my mind right now.

Tom Segura 37:27 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 37:28 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 37:28 That's why people that smell, don't know they smell.

Joe Rogan 37:30 Well, there's also a thing about your farts that smell good to you because, uh, there's something in your bo- it's like, there's something in your brain, it triggers like that you're having a relief. It's like there's a buildup and then (blows raspberry) you smell the smell and it's like, "Ah."

Bert Kreischer 37:41 Ah.

Ari Shaffir 37:41 Oh.

Joe Rogan 37:41 'Cause it signifies the relief. That, you know that feeling-

Bert Kreischer 37:44 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:44 ... when you have to fart? It's like, oh, when you're in your car and you fart, and then you start wafting the smell up to you like, "Oh, not bad." It's pretty bad. Pretty bad.

Bert Kreischer 37:51 Bro, I'll, I'll, I'll fart in a pillow and take it to the face.

Tom Segura 37:55 Ooh. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 37:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 37:55 I love my farts.

Joe Rogan 37:56 That's, that's too much.

Ari Shaffir 37:57 Do you ever do-

Bert Kreischer 37:58 Get over here.

Joe Rogan 37:59 Do you ever fart in your bed and your wife is in the bathroom and you're like, "Oh my God, I gotta get a pillow out." Fucking fan this room?

Ari Shaffir 38:04 Fan.

Bert Kreischer 38:04 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I, that's when I go-

Ari Shaffir 38:06 No, you do it in, in a cupboard or something.

Bert Kreischer 38:07 That's when I hold it down and I go, "Hey, do me a favor."

Joe Rogan 38:09 You're a bad person.

Bert Kreischer 38:10 "Check under the bed."

Ari Shaffir 38:11 Tom and I are good people.

Bert Kreischer 38:11 See? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:12 Tom and I are good people. We'd fan it.

Ari Shaffir 38:13 Tom doesn't do shit, and no way he does not.

Bert Kreischer 38:15 Oh, bullshit.

Tom Segura 38:15 I, I know what I do is I do more theatrical stuff like...

Joe Rogan 38:19 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 38:20 (laughs)

Tom Segura 38:21 Like, I'll, I'll-

Bert Kreischer 38:22 Hold on, I'll take this to the next... I wanna hear your story first.

Tom Segura 38:24 I will, I do things like I'll do, like leg kicks as I fart or-

Ari Shaffir 38:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:28 (laughs)

Tom Segura 38:28 ... I'll pull my legs back like I'm changing my diaper kinda position. She doesn't like it at all. She doesn't like it at all.

Ari Shaffir 38:35 (laughs)

Tom Segura 38:35 Uh, my mom today farted for like f- like 12 seconds.

Bert Kreischer 38:40 His mom farts every fucking time.

Ari Shaffir 38:40 Bro, dad farts.

Joe Rogan 38:40 Bro, dad farts.

Tom Segura 38:40 I was like, "Give me a fucking heads up if you're gonna do this."

Ari Shaffir 38:42 Mom farts as bruh...

Joe Rogan 38:42 That one that your mom did when you caught her in the kitchen-

Tom Segura 38:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:44 ... and then she turns and looks at you.

Ari Shaffir 38:45 The look on her face was...

Joe Rogan 38:46 That is... You need to take her to a doctor.

Tom Segura 38:48 Oh, that's-

Joe Rogan 38:48 There might be something going on.

Bert Kreischer 38:49 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 38:49 (laughs)

Tom Segura 38:49 Standard operating procedure.

Ari Shaffir 38:51 She might have to get extra intestines.

Joe Rogan 38:52 Standard? Of all her, all her life?

Tom Segura 38:53 Yes, yes.

Ari Shaffir 38:54 All life.

Joe Rogan 38:54 Wow. All her life.

Tom Segura 38:54 Yes, yes. I'm telling you today, today she broke it easily and I go, "Why don't you fucking tell me so I can record it?" And she goes, "Give me $150,000."

Joe Rogan 39:01 $150,000? (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:01 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 39:01 Give me 100... Tom, I'll give her 150 for that viral video.

Joe Rogan 39:04 Yeah. Jesus.

Tom Segura 39:05 Yeah, but it's, it's pretty impressive.

Joe Rogan 39:06 Wow, hold on. Let's hear this, let's hear this, let's hear this.

Tom Segura 39:08 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:09 Go, go from the beginning.

Ari Shaffir 39:10 Hold on. Ho- before you play-

Tom Segura 39:11 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 39:11 ... were you just randomly filming her? You weren't thinking it was coming, were you?

Tom Segura 39:14 I... No, no, here's what's happened. I, I said something about... I go, "Yeah, you think you have one?" And she didn't... She thought j- we were just like bantering.

Ari Shaffir 39:21 "You think you have one" fart?

Joe Rogan 39:23 Yeah.

Tom Segura 39:23 Yeah, yeah. And I, and like as it... And I saw her just turn and I go, "Oh, I think she might." And you know, the beauty of these things is like pull it out and I just hit the camera from the lock screen.

Ari Shaffir 39:32 Oh.

Tom Segura 39:32 And then she just didn't know.

Joe Rogan 39:33 Let me hear this.

Tom Segura 39:45 Oh, this is the loop. This is the, this is the loop. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:48 This is the loop.

Joe Rogan 39:48 But he goes... The look on her face when she turns around and she sees that camera pointed at her.

Ari Shaffir 39:56 That slow motion.

Tom Segura 39:57 Look at this. Look, she's smiling right there. She's smiling right there.

Joe Rogan 40:01 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 40:01 (laughs)

40:03 You're not my son anymore.

Bert Kreischer 40:04 You're not my son.

Joe Rogan 40:06 You're not my son anymore.

Tom Segura 40:07 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 40:07 You're not my son anymore.

Ari Shaffir 40:07 (laughs)

Tom Segura 40:07 Oh, and I made merch that said, "You're not my son anymore."

Bert Kreischer 40:10 Don't make me pull it out.

Ari Shaffir 40:10 (laughs)

Tom Segura 40:10 And I would send it to the house.

Bert Kreischer 40:12 She got so mad.

Joe Rogan 40:13 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 40:14 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 40:14 You're not my son anymore.

Joe Rogan 40:15 Oh my God.

Tom Segura 40:16 She's-

Ari Shaffir 40:16 She's the Argentinian?

Tom Segura 40:17 She's Peruvian.

Joe Rogan 40:18 Oh my God, that's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 40:19 Best one I ever did is when the girls were little, like babies, I farted in a McDonald's cup and I put my hand over it and I went, I go-

Ari Shaffir 40:26 Like a Scooby-Doo scream?

Bert Kreischer 40:27 I go, I go-

Joe Rogan 40:27 You poisoned your babies?

Bert Kreischer 40:28 ... I go, "Girls, I just caught a butterfly." And they're like, "What?"

Tom Segura 40:32 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 40:32 And I let out a big one.

Ari Shaffir 40:34 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 40:34 Both of them were like, "I don't smell..." (imitates retching) Like literally immediately.

Joe Rogan 40:36 (laughs)

Tom Segura 40:36 You did it to me once at the Irvine Improv.

Bert Kreischer 40:39 Oh, it's one, it was a good one.

Joe Rogan 40:40 Did you really capture a fart in a cup?

Tom Segura 40:41 No, he, he just-

Bert Kreischer 40:42 Oh, if it happens-

Tom Segura 40:43 He let out like a, like you know when it's like, you know when it's like hot death? Like when you, when it-

Joe Rogan 40:47 Yeah, when you're feeling warm. When you're warm.

Tom Segura 40:48 ... you feel it coming, you're like... It's warm and then you're like-

Joe Rogan 40:50 Yeah, that tricky.

Tom Segura 40:51 ... there's also rotten.

Joe Rogan 40:52 Yeah.

Tom Segura 40:52 This is like a rotten one.

Joe Rogan 40:53 Right, right.

Tom Segura 40:53 I was across like the, the lobby from him in the club and he's like, "Hey, come here, come here, come here." Like he signaled like, "I gotta tell you something." I go, "What?" And I ran up and like it just hit me like a fuck... Like a brick to the face. Like it was...

Bert Kreischer 41:06 Dude.

Tom Segura 41:06 You're-

Bert Kreischer 41:07 I have, I have sometimes with my stomach, I told this to Tom a long time on our pod- go on our podcast. I took a shit in Japan once that was so bad-

Tom Segura 41:14 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 41:14 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:14 ... the guy in the stall next to me threw up.

Joe Rogan 41:19 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 41:19 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:19 I joke. We were in Japan, I thought he was talking to me. He's like... And I'm like, "I don't know what you're saying. Know what? No Japanese." Dude, I've, I've... And that's by the way, that's happened twice. It happened once in Denver.

Joe Rogan 41:32 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 41:32 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 41:32 I've, I made people throw up.

Joe Rogan 41:35 There's something so strange about public toilets where you're shitting inches away from some other person shitting.

Tom Segura 41:40 Yeah, especially airports.

Ari Shaffir 41:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:41 It's so weird.

Tom Segura 41:42 Airports, international shits.

Joe Rogan 41:44 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:44 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 41:44 You know, when it's like just 30 of you just sitting there and then-

Joe Rogan 41:47 Well that's, what's so-

Ari Shaffir 41:47 You all came from eating at different countries that were like...

Tom Segura 41:49 Different bacteria. There was like...

Bert Kreischer 41:50 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:50 That's what's so strange about those hookup spots for some creepy gay dudes.

Tom Segura 41:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:54 Where they would find a spot-

Bert Kreischer 41:56 Can you believe that?

Joe Rogan 41:56 Like yeah, they, they, they meet in toilets in r- uh, like remember there was that one, was it a senator that got busted?

Tom Segura 42:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 42:03 Oh, yeah. Tapping, tapping...

Bert Kreischer 42:03 Minnesota, Minnesota, Minnesota.

Joe Rogan 42:05 Yeah, yeah. They had something that they would do.

Tom Segura 42:05 Wait, wasn't he from Idaho? But it was in Minnesota.

Ari Shaffir 42:08 It was in Minnesota.

Tom Segura 42:08 But he was a senator from Idaho.

Ari Shaffir 42:10 And he goes, "No, I was just, I was just tapping to see if he was there." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:13 Yeah.

Tom Segura 42:14 And he's the creepiest guy. Craig, I think, was his last name. He's the one who said, um, when Clinton was in trouble, he was like, "Clinton has been a very naughty boy. Dare I say, a nasty boy."

Ari Shaffir 42:26 Oh.

Tom Segura 42:28 We were like, "Ugh. What?"

Bert Kreischer 42:28 What?

Tom Segura 42:28 The weirdest thing an adult man has ever said.

Ari Shaffir 42:30 You're like, "I know you once... I know you once were looking at Clinton, but we're looking at you now."

Tom Segura 42:32 Yeah, dude.

Bert Kreischer 42:33 Yeah. Like...

Tom Segura 42:34 Somebody who says it like that, you know, that word selection-

Ari Shaffir 42:37 Dare I say.

Tom Segura 42:38 "Dare I say, a nasty boy."

Joe Rogan 42:38 Well those guys were around before the internet, right?

Tom Segura 42:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:41 But this is probably-

Ari Shaffir 42:42 Where they get away with anything.

Joe Rogan 42:42 But he probably had like... There he is. Larry Craig's-

Tom Segura 42:45 Larry Craig, yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:45 ... wide stance arrest turns 10. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 42:48 (laughs)

Tom Segura 42:49 Oh yeah, I did, yeah, that was his thing.

Joe Rogan 42:50 For ten anniversary.

Tom Segura 42:50 I have a wide stance.

Ari Shaffir 42:51 I got a wide stance.

Joe Rogan 42:52 He's got a wide stance. Oh my God, he has a wide stance to go to the bathroom. So he was putting his feet...... I overreacted and made a poor decision," Craig said of his guilty plea. "Let me be clear. I am not gay. I have never been gay."

Ari Shaffir 43:03 Why is he, why is he pleading guilty then? With, with, like-

Tom Segura 43:06 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 43:06 It's just easier, Ari. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:08 Yeah, it's easier. Whenever I shit and people get mad at me, I just go, "I'm guilty."

Tom Segura 43:11 "I'm guilty." (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 43:12 "I'm guilty."

Joe Rogan 43:13 "It's what I do."

Bert Kreischer 43:13 You know what, guys? This is a lot easier than the paperwork.

Ari Shaffir 43:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:15 He argued with the ar- that the arresting officer misconstrued his actions.

Tom Segura 43:19 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 43:20 What are the odds, though, you try to get an officer to suck your dick?

Ari Shaffir 43:22 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:22 But here's the thing, though. Like, what if a, a officer is, like, one of those cops that sets up speed traps? Like, what ... You know, what if he's-

Tom Segura 43:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:30 ... what if you're n- not gay, and he's just like, "Yeah, I need to make a collar. I'm here looking for, for guys to suck my dick and there's nothing."

Tom Segura 43:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:37 "I haven't had a single bite."

Ari Shaffir 43:38 So he just puts, he just puts his foot-

Bert Kreischer 43:40 Make a collar? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:40 Frank is out there trying to fish-

Ari Shaffir 43:41 Just put your foot out wide.

Tom Segura 43:42 Yeah. Trying to fish.

Joe Rogan 43:42 Frank is out there trying to fish and he's got a fucking stick of dynamite, "I'm just gonna chuck this in the water."

Tom Segura 43:46 See what happens.

Bert Kreischer 43:46 Oh, and they called a senator.

Joe Rogan 43:48 And then it's ... Woo.

Bert Kreischer 43:48 Wow.

Tom Segura 43:49 Wow. What a fucking land.

Ari Shaffir 43:50 Yeah, but here's the thing-

Bert Kreischer 43:50 What a, yeah, what a land.

Tom Segura 43:51 ... you know, if you're, if you really ... I mean, it's ... If you really didn't do this-

Joe Rogan 43:56 Oh, he had some-

Tom Segura 43:57 ... you definitely are not like, "Ah."

Joe Rogan 43:57 ... under the divider hand motions-

Tom Segura 43:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:59 ... and played footsie in an attempt to arrange a sexual encounter. But here's the thing.

Ari Shaffir 44:03 There are all kinds of places.

Joe Rogan 44:04 Pr- prove that. Prove that.

Ari Shaffir 44:05 Prove what?

Joe Rogan 44:06 Prove, prove that he's trying to arrange a sexual encounter.

Ari Shaffir 44:09 They did.

Joe Rogan 44:09 Maybe he just needed toilet paper. But they didn't. He just pled guilty 'cause he panicked. Did you hear about the guy recently that got busted? He was a pastor and he got busted trying to pay for gay sex with an Arby's card.

Tom Segura 44:19 An Arby's card?

Joe Rogan 44:21 An Arby's card.

Tom Segura 44:21 Okay.

Joe Rogan 44:21 He pulled out the wrong card to a narc, to a, or to an undercover officer.

Ari Shaffir 44:24 He was gonna pay with credit?

Tom Segura 44:26 (groans)

Joe Rogan 44:26 Yeah. He tried, he was, like, on a sugar daddy site. And he's like, "I've had a lot of sugar daddies, uh, you know, sugar, sugar babies." This guy, Missouri church leader-

Tom Segura 44:33 Uh-oh.

Joe Rogan 44:33 ... tried to pay for sex on Grindr.

Tom Segura 44:35 He doesn't look gay.

Joe Rogan 44:35 That's what it is.

Bert Kreischer 44:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:36 With an Arby's card. An Arby's card.

Ari Shaffir 44:38 Grinders pay? Yeah, I guess so.

Bert Kreischer 44:40 He looks-

Joe Rogan 44:41 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 44:41 He looks gay.

Joe Rogan 44:42 (whistles) Listen.

Tom Segura 44:43 Delft.

Joe Rogan 44:43 I think prostitution-

Ari Shaffir 44:44 (laughs) Prostitution-

Tom Segura 44:46 What's the D?

Joe Rogan 44:46 ... in, uh, the gay community is a different animal, right?

Ari Shaffir 44:48 What's the D in G I like to fuck?

Bert Kreischer 44:50 Oh, yeah.

Tom Segura 44:50 Dad?

Joe Rogan 44:51 Yeah. I think-

Ari Shaffir 44:51 Dad like to fuck?

Tom Segura 44:51 ... it's much more acceptable. Don't you think? I think- Definitely.

Joe Rogan 44:55 Yeah. I mean, they don't give a fuck.

Bert Kreischer 44:57 Yeah, it's more, it's more rugby rules as opposed to American football rules.

Joe Rogan 45:00 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 45:01 (laughs)

Tom Segura 45:01 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 45:01 They're just like, "Whatever happens, man."

Ari Shaffir 45:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:03 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 45:03 "Let's just get the ball to that side."

Joe Rogan 45:04 Grab nuts in the scrum.

Ari Shaffir 45:06 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 45:06 (laughs)

Tom Segura 45:06 But also, like, isn't it l- the need for the prostitution so much less ... Right? Like, I feel like-

Joe Rogan 45:13 Right, gay guys are just thrown down.

Tom Segura 45:14 ... guys are just like, "Let's just fucking fuck, but-

Joe Rogan 45:15 Right.

Ari Shaffir 45:15 Yeah, why do you have to do the thing?

Joe Rogan 45:16 But old guys. Here's the thing, 'cause old guys-

Tom Segura 45:18 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:18 ... they wanna fuck young guys. And these young guys don't wanna fuck them.

Bert Kreischer 45:21 Right.

Joe Rogan 45:21 But these young guys don't have a car. They're like, "Hey-"

Tom Segura 45:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:24 "... I know what's up."

Tom Segura 45:25 (laughs) Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 45:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:25 "I know how to make something happen."

Ari Shaffir 45:26 Remember that Patrice O'Neal story where she said he pulled over to a rest stop to get some sleep and, uh, somebody knocked on his window, ar- arrested ... But he was, like, way off, like, away from, like, the, where the store was. And he's like, "What?" And the guy was like, "Hi." And he was like, "What?" And the guy's like, "Oh, my bad." He goes, "Your bad what? What are you doing here?" (laughs) And the guy just turned and ran away.

Joe Rogan 45:46 Oh, well that's the spot.

Ari Shaffir 45:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:48 Rest stops.

Ari Shaffir 45:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:49 Right? The-

Bert Kreischer 45:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:50 Gay guys, before they had these apps and ways to meet up and-

Ari Shaffir 45:54 Quality.

Joe Rogan 45:54 ... yeah, Craigslist, they used to have to m- have, like, little secret spots.

Bert Kreischer 45:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:59 Like, rest stops were always the secret spot that we heard about.

Tom Segura 46:01 That was, uh, what was the singer, George Michael thing, right? It was, like, a park.

Joe Rogan 46:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 46:04 That's right.

Tom Segura 46:05 Go to the park.

Bert Kreischer 46:06 In Beverly Hills. In Beverly Hills, right?

Tom Segura 46:07 Yeah. But you know, you know that shit had to be bumping.

Joe Rogan 46:10 Yeah.

Tom Segura 46:10 In the fucking '80s.

Joe Rogan 46:12 Right.

Ari Shaffir 46:12 (sighs)

Tom Segura 46:12 Going to that park.

Bert Kreischer 46:13 Yeah.

Tom Segura 46:13 I'm sure every gay dude in the city was like, "I'll see you in BH, man."

Ari Shaffir 46:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:16 (laughs)

Tom Segura 46:16 Just, like-

Ari Shaffir 46:17 Yeah, with those parks-

Tom Segura 46:18 That has gotta be the spot.

Ari Shaffir 46:18 ... certain parts, you know ... Remember when the guy from, from, uh-

Tom Segura 46:20 Let's go shopping afterwards, man.

Ari Shaffir 46:22 Yeah.

Tom Segura 46:22 Fucking Rodeo's right there.

Bert Kreischer 46:23 How great, how great would that be if the day-

Ari Shaffir 46:24 (clears throat)

Bert Kreischer 46:25 ... after you found out about that park, you're like, "Wait, wait, wait. That park?" And you're like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Around noon."

Joe Rogan 46:29 It was at a-

Bert Kreischer 46:29 And you're like ...

Ari Shaffir 46:29 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 46:29 ... restroom though, right?

Joe Rogan 46:30 What the fuck? Wasn't it a restroom?

Tom Segura 46:31 Oh.

Joe Rogan 46:31 The infamous George Michael bathroom in Beverly Hills.

Tom Segura 46:33 I guess so.

Joe Rogan 46:34 Yeah.

Tom Segura 46:34 But it's a bathroom at a park, right?

Joe Rogan 46:36 Man, it's gotta be fucking rough to be gay and just try to meet guys in this weird little sneaky-

Bert Kreischer 46:40 Are you serious?

Joe Rogan 46:41 ... shut.

Ari Shaffir 46:42 In the '90s.

Tom Segura 46:42 Oh, in the '90s. I was like, I was like-

Joe Rogan 46:43 In the '90s.

Ari Shaffir 46:44 In the '90s, they must've still-

Joe Rogan 46:45 Today, it seem-

Ari Shaffir 46:45 ... it was, still must've been easy.

Joe Rogan 46:46 Well-

Ari Shaffir 46:47 Remember the rule was, like, if you had, like, a certain color handkerchief, that meant what you were into.

Joe Rogan 46:52 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 46:52 And you would have it outta your back pocket.

Bert Kreischer 46:54 There was a day at Florida State if you wore blue jeans. That was-

Ari Shaffir 46:57 Just blue-

Bert Kreischer 46:58 Blue jeans.

Tom Segura 46:58 Just blue jeans?

Bert Kreischer 46:58 It was national coming out day.

Joe Rogan 46:59 Damn. There's just Florida people just trying to fuck dudes.

Ari Shaffir 47:02 They should have something more specific than that.

Joe Rogan 47:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 47:04 That's a mistake waiting to happen.

Joe Rogan 47:05 What if you don't get online and you don't know?

Bert Kreischer 47:07 We don't ... It's a lot of us that-

Ari Shaffir 47:08 It's like having t-shirt day.

Joe Rogan 47:09 And your, your, your fucking shorts are dirty, so I'll just put my blue jeans on today. You know how some guys are trying to fuck you?

Tom Segura 47:14 Hey, man. You know. Sorry I didn't have anything else to wear.

Ari Shaffir 47:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 47:17 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 47:17 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 47:17 (laughs) You get fucked.

Joe Rogan 47:19 Blue jeans. That's so crazy.

Tom Segura 47:20 Christina went to the ... It is cra- Christina went to, uh, University of San Francisco. She said in the '90s, the, I think it was, it's the Folsom Street Fair or something. She was like-

Bert Kreischer 47:29 Yeah.

Tom Segura 47:29 ... guys would fist in the streets.

Ari Shaffir 47:31 Wow.

Joe Rogan 47:32 Yikes.

Ari Shaffir 47:32 (laughs)

Tom Segura 47:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:32 Fisting?

Tom Segura 47:33 Yeah. She's like, "I saw guys butt fucking just up on the walls on the street."

Ari Shaffir 47:35 Whoa.

Bert Kreischer 47:35 I saw two dudes butt fuck the first day in New York. I went out with the editor of US Magazine. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 47:42 Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 47:42 And he took me to a gay bar in the Meatpacking District. And I saw a dude, can't be alive anymore.

Ari Shaffir 47:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 47:50 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 47:50 He had stars tattooed on his butt cheeks down to his heel like he was a big Cowboys fan, but fucking ...

Tom Segura 47:56 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 47:56 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 47:56 And I saw him get fucked in the ass and I was, I was fresh out of Florida State. I was like-

Tom Segura 48:01 Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 48:01 Where? On the street?

Bert Kreischer 48:02 No, no, no. In a bar. It was in a bar.

Joe Rogan 48:04 He got fucked in the ass in a bar?

Bert Kreischer 48:06 In a bar just on this dude's lap. And I was like, "Wow."

Tom Segura 48:08 On the guy's lap?

Ari Shaffir 48:10 Whoa.

Bert Kreischer 48:10 Dude, I was like this ... I remember, I remember the first-

Ari Shaffir 48:12 New York.

Joe Rogan 48:14 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:15 (laughs)

Tom Segura 48:15 (singing)

Bert Kreischer 48:16 God. I bet if there's ... I wonder if there's some, some gay guys that miss those days.

Joe Rogan 48:20 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 48:21 Yes.

Bert Kreischer 48:22 That are like, "This was, that was when we were fucking outlaws."

Joe Rogan 48:24 Oh.

Tom Segura 48:24 Of course.

Ari Shaffir 48:25 Pre-AIDS days must've been amazing.

Joe Rogan 48:26 Do you ever hear Jeff Rot- Jeff, uh, Jeff Scott, the piano player at the Comedy Store talk about pre-AIDS.

Bert Kreischer 48:30 Oh, yo.

Ari Shaffir 48:31 When he was, like, in a theater troupe before AIDS-

Bert Kreischer 48:33 Before AIDS and he was like, "It was a fuck fest."

Joe Rogan 48:36 I bet a lot of guys got into musicals that didn't even like musicals. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:40 (laughs)

Tom Segura 48:40 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 48:40 So this is the deal-... kinda sick. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:43 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 48:43 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 48:43 Well, yeah, Chicago's not that bad.

Joe Rogan 48:45 They probably just had to find a spot.

Ari Shaffir 48:47 (laughs) Had to find a spot, definitely.

Bert Kreischer 48:48 Right? You gotta find ... Wh- where is the spot? Where do we go?

Ari Shaffir 48:50 (gasps)

Joe Rogan 48:50 You know, like, like how many guys wear cologne that actually like cologne? Zero.

Ari Shaffir 48:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 48:56 (laughs) Zero. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:56 They're wearing cologne 'cause they think it- it- it might, uh, in some way up their chance of getting laid.

Ari Shaffir 49:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:01 My rationale has always been any girl that will only fuck you because you're wearing cologne, don't fuck that girl.

Ari Shaffir 49:07 Right.

Bert Kreischer 49:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:07 That's a mess.

Ari Shaffir 49:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:08 You're- you're- you're making a mistake.

Bert Kreischer 49:10 You can ... You know, the things about cologne is you ... Speaking of, like, change in your- in your-

Ari Shaffir 49:14 Duh.

Bert Kreischer 49:14 ... smell.

Joe Rogan 49:14 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 49:15 Uh, I feel like I can go a- like, a, a long stretch now without s- like-

Ari Shaffir 49:20 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 49:20 ... picking up on cl- no, cologne, like, you ... I, I'll- I'll feel like I don't run into any ... And then all of a sudden, someone ... A fucking Uber driver-

Ari Shaffir 49:27 Oh.

Joe Rogan 49:27 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 49:27 ... or someone, and you're like, "Jesus ch-" ... Or you get on an elevator and you're like, "Dude, where are you from?"

Ari Shaffir 49:31 I love those people-

Joe Rogan 49:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:32 ... who wear, like, wearing this much shit for. So much cologne. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 49:34 Yeah. They're trying to cover something else.

Joe Rogan 49:35 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:35 You just got here?

Ari Shaffir 49:36 Yeah. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:36 We don't do that here, man.

Ari Shaffir 49:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:37 Yeah, cologne's weird.

Bert Kreischer 49:39 Hey, dude. You don't wear cologne. Cologne? No.

Ari Shaffir 49:41 No.

Joe Rogan 49:41 (laughs) Zero?

Bert Kreischer 49:42 No.

Ari Shaffir 49:42 You don't wear cologne.

Bert Kreischer 49:42 No.

Joe Rogan 49:42 No.

Ari Shaffir 49:42 No, fuck no.

Joe Rogan 49:44 Did you? I wear deodorant, though.

Ari Shaffir 49:45 And Bert is wearing cologne.

Joe Rogan 49:46 My deodorant smells pretty good.

Bert Kreischer 49:47 That's- (laughs) that's a business I would not invest in-

Ari Shaffir 49:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:50 Mike-

Bert Kreischer 49:50 ... is Bert Kreischer cologne.

Ari Shaffir 49:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:50 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:50 Bert Kreischer cologne.

Joe Rogan 49:52 I barely wear ... I just started using toothpaste again.

Ari Shaffir 49:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 49:55 What are you doing? Lemon juice?

Joe Rogan 49:57 It smells like clean feet.

Bert Kreischer 49:57 Soap.

Joe Rogan 49:58 Bert Kreischer column-

Ari Shaffir 49:59 Shut up.

Bert Kreischer 49:59 I don't like toothpaste. It fucking creeps me out.

Joe Rogan 50:01 What?

Bert Kreischer 50:02 Yeah, toothpaste bothers me.

Ari Shaffir 50:03 Wait, you don't use soap?

Joe Rogan 50:04 What do you brush your teeth with?

Bert Kreischer 50:05 Soap.

Ari Shaffir 50:05 No way.

Bert Kreischer 50:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:06 What are you talking about?

Bert Kreischer 50:07 Yeah, I like t- well, I like to ... I can go ... Uh, there's a lot-

Ari Shaffir 50:10 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 50:11 There's a long unpacking story.

Joe Rogan 50:12 You know, soap-

Ari Shaffir 50:12 That's the right reaction. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:13 ... soap's not good to have in your mouth.

Bert Kreischer 50:14 I don't have real teeth, so it doesn't matter.

Joe Rogan 50:16 No, I mean, your mouth. Like, you have a real tongue, right?

Ari Shaffir 50:18 Right.

Bert Kreischer 50:19 Yeah, but-

Joe Rogan 50:19 Soap's not good to go in there.

Ari Shaffir 50:20 Wait, wait. Don't glance over there. Don't have real teeth.

Joe Rogan 50:22 What happened to your teeth?

Bert Kreischer 50:22 I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat.

Ari Shaffir 50:23 (laughs) Okay.

Joe Rogan 50:24 You got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat?

Bert Kreischer 50:25 Yeah, on my 11th birthday. We just talked about this the other day, yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:27 Who hit you?

Bert Kreischer 50:28 My dad. He was ... Look, it was ... He was-

Joe Rogan 50:29 Oh, Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 50:29 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 50:29 No, I'm- I'm joking. It was a kid in the game. It was the- (laughs) the kid batting.

Joe Rogan 50:33 Oh, accident.

Bert Kreischer 50:33 No, he was trying to break up the play. (laughs) I was- I was a catcher, and the ... it was a passed ball. I blocked it. I picked it up, threw my helmet off, threw it down to third, and the kid tried to break up the play and brought the bat back and hit me in the mouth.

Ari Shaffir 50:47 (gasps)

Bert Kreischer 50:47 Kno- knocked out ... Knocked out ... Fucked up 26 of my teeth.

Joe Rogan 50:51 Wait, can I only-

Ari Shaffir 50:51 Oh, my God.

Joe Rogan 50:51 How ... I actually forgot to ask you this.

Bert Kreischer 50:53 What?

Joe Rogan 50:53 When ... In that part of the s- in this story.

Bert Kreischer 50:55 Yeah, my 11th birthday.

Joe Rogan 50:56 You're, you're, you're playing catcher.

Bert Kreischer 50:59 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 50:59 You throw the ball to make the play at- at what? At-

Bert Kreischer 51:02 Third. Kid was stealing second to go to third.

Joe Rogan 51:04 But ... So the batter has already swung.

Bert Kreischer 51:06 He already swung.

Joe Rogan 51:07 Okay. And now?

Bert Kreischer 51:09 He brings the bat back into my mouth.

Joe Rogan 51:11 Oh, like he just-

Bert Kreischer 51:12 Brought it back into my mouth.

Joe Rogan 51:13 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 51:14 He thought-

Bert Kreischer 51:14 I thought-

Joe Rogan 51:14 Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 51:14 He thought on the spot. He's like, "Oh, this will ... Maybe I'll pretend it's my full motion," but-

Bert Kreischer 51:17 Yeah, yeah, and brought it back into my mouth.

Joe Rogan 51:18 You did it on purpose?

Ari Shaffir 51:20 What the fuck?

Bert Kreischer 51:20 Uh, you know, man, I- I don't ... I never, um, talk to the kid at all. I ... My teeth were on home plate.

Ari Shaffir 51:25 Oh.

Joe Rogan 51:26 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 51:26 You know, you wanna get real about this? This is-

Ari Shaffir 51:28 Oh, my God.

Bert Kreischer 51:28 You wanna talk about parenting? My dad came out. He's like, "Buddy, it's gonna be okay. Your mom's here." We had a birthday part- party planned for me. It was my birthday. My da- ... And he came out, and in his hand, he had my fielder's glove. And I went ... I was, like, trying to get it ... And he goes, "Take off the gear. Drew's gonna catch. Go over to th- shortstop." And I was like, "I don't have any teeth." He goes like, "Yeah, but if I take you out now, we lose the game because I can't sub before the fifth inning, so go over, finish the game, and come in."

Joe Rogan 51:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 51:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 51:55 And I go, "I don't have any teeth." He goes, "Don't you f-" ... Um, and this is my ... My dad's a good dad. Uh, he's not a bad guy, but he was like, "Hey, don't fucking cry. Go out, finish the inning. It's one out. It's one out, and then we'll take you to the hospital." So I went over to shortstop. I don't know. Stuff like that, I think, turns you ... Uh, stuff like that teaches you ... Uh, it either breaks you or fucks you up as a guy, or it makes you stronger as a guy, but-

Joe Rogan 52:15 What do you think it did to you?

Bert Kreischer 52:18 I don't know, man. I've had a lot of those moments with my dad where it's like, "Be a fucking man," and I'm glad he did it because there are certain things, like I wouldn't just-

Ari Shaffir 52:25 That, though?

Bert Kreischer 52:26 Uh, man, I remember being at-

Ari Shaffir 52:27 That's not, like, a suck it up moment. That's like a, "No, no, no, it's over. The game is over. It doesn't matter."

Joe Rogan 52:31 Yeah, the game is over.

Bert Kreischer 52:32 Yeah, I know.

Joe Rogan 52:32 You might have a broken jaw.

Ari Shaffir 52:33 Everybody go home. Let's eat at Pizza Snell.

Joe Rogan 52:34 If your teeth get knocked out, it's very likely there's some fractures in your jaw, and they- that could get infected. Like, you should ... Y- it's like a rush to get to the hospital as quick as possible.

Ari Shaffir 52:43 Do you think your dad was having, like, some sort of PTSD, and I'm not-

Joe Rogan 52:46 Well, you're not in a world title fight. You know.

Ari Shaffir 52:47 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 52:47 No, no, no, no.

Ari Shaffir 52:47 You're on leather. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 52:48 Trust me. Joe, I'm sending short stop. I'm sending short- I'm sending short stop, going, "This doesn't seem fair."

Ari Shaffir 52:52 This seems like bad parenting. This is like ...

Bert Kreischer 52:54 (laughs) My dad's like, "Yeah, if I take you out now, we lose the game."

Joe Rogan 52:56 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 52:56 I mean ...

Joe Rogan 52:57 I don't wanna shit on your dad, but ...

Ari Shaffir 52:58 He was- he was like, he was like, "I'll give you some Titos. You'll be fine."

Joe Rogan 53:01 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 53:01 Get it started from there.

Bert Kreischer 53:02 No, I don't think ... I think it's ... I think I'm fine. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Ari Shaffir 53:05 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 53:06 I don't know, man.

Bert Kreischer 53:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:08 I'm used to seeing people get fucked up, and I think I'd have a real problem with that.

Bert Kreischer 53:12 I would feel like I would ... I think it's a different era.

Joe Rogan 53:14 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:14 But I- I would, uh, panic if I saw-

Ari Shaffir 53:17 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:17 I would panic if I saw if it was that different.

Joe Rogan 53:19 I don't know.

Bert Kreischer 53:19 I've talked to ... I've, I've brought it up to my dad before.

Joe Rogan 53:21 Yeah?

Bert Kreischer 53:21 But it's ... Man, he just ... But, you know, uh, he laughs it off, and he goes, "You weren't that bad."

Ari Shaffir 53:26 Who? Can I ask you a question?

Bert Kreischer 53:27 Phew.

Ari Shaffir 53:27 Who- who won the game?

Bert Kreischer 53:29 I have no idea. I wasn't there. I went to the doctor, to Dr. Boza. Spent the rest of the day in the ... Getting my teeth fixed.

Joe Rogan 53:35 How long did it take before they fixed your teeth?

Bert Kreischer 53:37 Uh, fucking 20 years. It took- it took forever. It was for ... It was a long period. Ninth grade and college, everything was fixed. Um, that was at 11. In ninth grade, I had, like ... Uh, ninth grade, I had a smile I was comfortable with. Um, but yeah, I just had fucked up teeth.

Joe Rogan 53:54 So, it took, like, three years before you had a smile you were comfortable with?

Bert Kreischer 53:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:57 So, what was it before then?

Bert Kreischer 53:59 Just, uh, it was like- it was like spotty caps. Like, ca- uh.

Ari Shaffir 54:02 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 54:03 Cosmetic j- dental- dental work.

Joe Rogan 54:04 Oh, it was terrible back then.

Bert Kreischer 54:05 It was just terrible. So it was like ... I wanna say, like ... This sounds horrible. I wanna feel like it was plastic caps. It wasn't like ...

Joe Rogan 54:11 Okay.

Bert Kreischer 54:11 They stained really easy. And so, uh ... And I had, like, two, and then these were broken, and then- then at one point, I just had four teeth that looked okay. And so you ... And it's ... I mean, there are people listening right now that are going through this. But you just cover your smile at times, and you don't enjoy life as much.

Ari Shaffir 54:28 Smile with your mouth closed.

Bert Kreischer 54:29 You smile with your mouth closed. You're like, " (laughs) That's funny."

Ari Shaffir 54:31 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 54:31 Do you remember- I know, right?

Joe Rogan 54:34 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 54:34 I think that's why I am who I am, is when I got teeth, I was like, "Fuck yeah!"

Ari Shaffir 54:39 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 54:39 And I was, I was, I was (laughs) just laughing. I remember-

Joe Rogan 54:41 Your teeth look perfect now.

Bert Kreischer 54:42 Thank you so much, Joe.

Joe Rogan 54:43 Did they get, uh, stained by coffee or anything?

Bert Kreischer 54:45 Very badly. We- we were talking about this the other day.

Ari Shaffir 54:48 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 54:48 Fuck face over here.... decides this new game he wants to play, is shame my mouth.

Tom Segura 54:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:52 Shame my mouth. (laughs) That sounds- sounds like something-

Bert Kreischer 54:56 Oh, it's so funny because-

Joe Rogan 54:56 ... Larry Craig would play.

Bert Kreischer 54:57 ... this is the opposite of what I was doing. (laughs)

Tom Segura 55:00 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 55:00 No, him and his fucking evil and Nazi wife-

Tom Segura 55:03 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:04 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 55:04 ... come up with these fucking game plans of- of ways to just get the focus away from my talent as a comedian and find something else to fucking focus on.

Tom Segura 55:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:13 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 55:13 But I was- I was gonna get my teeth-

Joe Rogan 55:15 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 55:15 I was gonna get my teeth all redone, uh, right, with this- this month, and then I thought, "I don't like those dudes or celebrities with like bright white smiles." That you go, "You just got your teeth done. You look fucking different."

Tom Segura 55:27 They can make them not like that, by the way.

Bert Kreischer 55:29 I didn't- I don't- yeah.

Tom Segura 55:29 But now- now they can.

Joe Rogan 55:30 Hmm.

Tom Segura 55:30 Like when you get your teeth, if you get veneers now, they do shades of-

Bert Kreischer 55:35 I want regular man teeth.

Tom Segura 55:36 ... of regular-

Bert Kreischer 55:36 You know, when you see a man, he's got like regular teeth. Yeah, like you got regular fucking teeth.

Tom Segura 55:40 I got crooked teeth.

55:41 Your teeth look normal.

Bert Kreischer 55:42 Yeah. I- I have no problem with my teeth whatsoever. I'm- I'm fine. I wouldn't mind a couple of them, getting them shaded out to the- to match everything else, but I got one dark one.

Tom Segura 55:52 I get them really, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:53 Yeah. But it's from smoking cigars and drinking coffee.

Joe Rogan 55:55 It's weird when- when someone gets a dead tooth, and there's that one tooth that's kinda gray and fucked up looking.

Tom Segura 55:59 I know somebody with- I know somebody with that. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:00 Dead teeth are wei- dead teeth are weird.

Tom Segura 56:02 Like, with a- a- like, a prominent dead tooth, and you just wanna be like-

Joe Rogan 56:05 Ugh.

Tom Segura 56:05 ... "Why do you have a car? You should fix this first."

56:08 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 56:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 56:09 (laughs)

Tom Segura 56:09 (laughs)