Joe Rogan Experience #1446 - Bert Kreischer

1. 0:04 – 4:04

   Bert’s sober week, party persona, and the wake-up call of COVID hitting healthy people

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      And we're live. Cheers, sir.

   2. BKBert Kreischer0:06

      Cheers, brother.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:07

      Yeah. While the world is on fire, we might as well get a little- a little fucked up. Just a little bit.

   4. BKBert Kreischer0:11

      I've been clean- I've been clean for seven days.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      Mm.

   6. BKBert Kreischer0:14

      No booze.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:15

      No nothing?

   8. BKBert Kreischer0:15

      No nothing.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:16

      You look good. Your face looks good.

   10. BKBert Kreischer0:17

       I know. It's- I can starting to see a- a direct difference when I quit drinking.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:21

       Do you feel trapped by your image, by your party image?

   12. BKBert Kreischer0:26

       I would never have said yes until this week. I've exhaled for the first time in a very big way, like where I was like- I was like-

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       Right.

   14. BKBert Kreischer0:35

       ... no road. I'm not- I'm not doing social media. I'm- I mean, I'm doing stories and stuff, but I'm not trying to put... Like, when things shut down, I kinda shut down with America, and I was like... Yesterday, man, I sat in a hammock sober for, like, fucking two hours and just relaxed.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:50

       It is nice to be home for a while. It is nice. You- you realize what a beating our lifestyle takes on your body, the travel, and then if you're boozing, too, the travel and the boozing together. So, uh, we should tell everybody what we learned today. Um, I'm revising my thinking about this virus because of Michael Yeo. Michael Yeo caught it. Michael Yeo is healthy as fuck. He's- he's not- he's not in any high-risk group. Like, he's not- he doesn't have any preexisting conditions. He's in shape. And, uh, he got it, and he got pneumonia too, and he said it was a double combination, and he thought he was gonna die. And he was in the hospital, uh, for over a week, and four days ago, he said he thought he was gonna die. That's fucking terrifying 'cause Michael Yeo is healthy. He's not some 80-year-old man.

   16. BKBert Kreischer1:41

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:41

       Um, I talked to my friend, uh, Dr. Peter Attia. Uh, he's a physician, and he, uh, gave me-

   18. BKBert Kreischer1:47

       That's the guy that swam from Maui.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:49

       Yes. He swam all the islands. He's a fucking straight-up savage. So his take... I- this is my question to him. I said, "This is crazy shit. Uh, what is your take on how so many people experience very few symptoms, but others get wrecked?" And he said, "I still think most people below 55 sail through it. I've had two patients get it, uh, shitty cold and loss of a sense of smell and taste, which probably returns soon. But still, a small fraction of these folks get hurt. I know a doc taking care of a 28-year-old fitness instructor on a ventilator in New York City today." "Why?" He said, "Maybe some genetic predisposition. We know blood types matters. Uh, A is the worst. O is the best based on antibodies."

   20. BKBert Kreischer2:34

       Bam.

   21. JRJoe Rogan2:34

       He said, uh... I'm O positive.

   22. BKBert Kreischer2:36

       Me too.

   23. JRJoe Rogan2:36

       He said, "But I- I don't think that explains more than some of it. Maybe shit like vaping," he said. "Still too soon to tell." Uh, he is a straight-up, no-nonsense, no-bullshit guy, and, uh, I listen to everything he says. So, um, when guys like him are concerned, I get concerned, and he's concerned. He's con-... This is a weird disease. Another thing that he said, "It's weird that it seems that people who spend more time with this get it worse." He's like, "It's not like..." You know, like- like, doctors in hospitals with prolonged exposure get it really bad. Uh, nurses in hospitals with prolonged exposure seem to get it really bad. Whereas some people get it, and they don't get it bad. It's weird. It's a very, very strange disease according to doctors. And I think we're still trying to figure this out. You know, it's just... Wow. It's- it's one of those things where everyone's just sort of absorbing the information as it comes in, and you gotta be open to adjusting your opinions. And my opinions were, um, I really was concerned with old people, and I was concerned with sick people. Now, after Michael Yeo, I'm like, okay, this is not that straightforward. There- there might be some, uh, some other crazy factors here. Like, for some people, yeah, like Idris Elba, who looks fantastic, you know, fine, but maybe other people are gonna have a real hard time with it, like Michael Yeo. Like, Michael Yeo is not a sickly guy. He's a big, robust guy. That's a spooky one.

2. 4:04 – 7:13

   Osterholm fear factor and Joe’s blunt “I’m talking about you” health intervention

   1. BKBert Kreischer4:04

      Yeah. I mean, your- your podcast with, uh, the-

   2. JRJoe Rogan4:07

      Osterholm?

   3. BKBert Kreischer4:08

      Chicklet, Chicken Little. That scared the fuck out of me.

   4. JRJoe Rogan4:11

      Chicken Little? (laughs)

   5. BKBert Kreischer4:11

      Fucking sitting in the back of my tour bus, and I hear this. I'm like, "Oh, I've had a few cocktails. I hit a joint. Let's go to bed. Oh, cool. Who's this guy? Oh, the coronavirus. I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit about that."

   6. JRJoe Rogan4:20

      Ooh.

   7. BKBert Kreischer4:21

      Holy... First thing I did, I told Jamie, first thing I did, I sat up in bed, and I just Googled that motherfucker. I was like, "He wrote a book, didn't he?"

   8. JRJoe Rogan4:28

      Mm-hmm.

   9. BKBert Kreischer4:28

      "Fuck that guy." That guy... I was- I was- I was so freaked out in that fucking podcast. (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan4:34

       What's crazy about Osterholm is he predicted this shit, um, literally specifically as to where it was gonna come from. He wrote a book-

   11. BKBert Kreischer4:40

       He was very insightful. I didn't mean to fuck that guy in a bad way.

   12. JRJoe Rogan4:43

       Yeah. No, no, no, I know you don't.

   13. BKBert Kreischer4:43

       He's a very insightful dude.

   14. JRJoe Rogan4:45

       No, he was great.

   15. BKBert Kreischer4:45

       And it was a great podcast, but man, it sc-... I'll tell you right now, Joe. You said- you said, uh, "So guys that are overweight, that drink a lot, that smoke, and-"

   16. JRJoe Rogan4:55

       I was talking to you. You know that, right?

   17. BKBert Kreischer4:57

       By the way, I- I thought you were.

   18. JRJoe Rogan4:58

       (laughs) I was.

   19. BKBert Kreischer5:00

       I s-... I didn't... Were you being serious?

   20. JRJoe Rogan5:00

       I was. I was like, per- I'm talking to you.

   21. BKBert Kreischer5:02

       (laughs)

   22. JRJoe Rogan5:02

       I didn't want to say it, but I was, like, piecing together out of all my good friends, who's my one friend who takes care of himself the worst? It's you.

   23. BKBert Kreischer5:08

       It's me.

   24. JRJoe Rogan5:10

       It's you.

   25. BKBert Kreischer5:11

       I quit cigars, weed-

   26. JRJoe Rogan5:12

       Beautiful.

   27. BKBert Kreischer5:13

       ... booze.

   28. JRJoe Rogan5:14

       Beautiful.

   29. BKBert Kreischer5:14

       I'm having a drink now, but that's 'cause-

   30. JRJoe Rogan5:15

       You're still okay, man.
3. 7:13 – 9:58

   What ‘real comics’ do: joke boundaries, virtue signaling, and misread humor

   1. JRJoe Rogan7:13

      He's a real comic, man. I cherish guys like him. Him, Andrew Schulz.

   2. BKBert Kreischer7:18

      I texted Ms. Schulz this morning.

   3. JRJoe Rogan7:19

      I mean, these young guys coming up. These young guys coming up are everything to me.

   4. BKBert Kreischer7:22

      Chris Distefano.

   5. JRJoe Rogan7:23

      Young women coming up too.

   6. BKBert Kreischer7:23

      Do you ... Are you ... Do you know Chris Distefano?

   7. JRJoe Rogan7:25

      I do not know him well.

   8. BKBert Kreischer7:26

      Man.

   9. JRJoe Rogan7:27

      I know of him.

   10. BKBert Kreischer7:27

       He makes me-

   11. JRJoe Rogan7:28

       He's very funny.

   12. BKBert Kreischer7:28

       ... giggle hard as fuck.

   13. JRJoe Rogan7:30

       He's very funny. Very funny guy. There's a good crop, a good crop of real comics who, uh, honor this thing that we do. It's, it's a weird thing we do. You know? It's like, what we're doing is a very strange game of saying funny, silly shit, and then trying to make each other laugh, and then ... But understanding what we're doing. Don't say, "Oh, you really mean that." Or, "Oh," you know, "You can't joke about this."

   14. BKBert Kreischer7:55

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan7:55

       Like, none of those guys will do that, 'cause we know the game. The game is to be funny. That's, that's just the game. Be funny. And you ... Sometimes you say ridiculous shit-

   16. BKBert Kreischer8:02

       (laughs)

   17. JRJoe Rogan8:02

       ... to be funny. Sometimes it works, sometimes it falls apart, sometimes it blows up in your face.

   18. BKBert Kreischer8:06

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan8:06

       And sometimes it knocks it out of the park. And so you gotta take those risks, and you throw in every now and then. It's the people that are in this thing that understand what we're doing and appreciate that, those are the most fun people to hang out with because you never have to think about them getting upset at you for saying something or them taking you literally or seriously, or them not even taking you seriously but calling you on it, pretend that they're taking you seriously-

   20. BKBert Kreischer8:30

       Ugh.

   21. JRJoe Rogan8:30

       ... so that they can virtue signal, which I've seen before but I've never seen from anybody funny.

   22. BKBert Kreischer8:35

       No.

   23. JRJoe Rogan8:35

       It's never from anybody funny. It's always from these kind of half-assed sort of half-cooked versions of a comic. You know?

   24. BKBert Kreischer8:43

       Yeah. It's never been... I was telling ... You know, I, I got into a conversation with Ari about whether ... What the parameters of a joke were after the whole Kobe Bryant shit.

   25. JRJoe Rogan8:52

       Yeah.

   26. BKBert Kreischer8:53

       And, uh, and he said something that made me, like, fucking stutter step. He was like, he was like, "It ... You can't say it's not a joke." He kept arguing. "You can't say it's not a joke. You can't say it's not a joke. It was a joke, Bert. It was a joke." And I was just saying to him, you know, Tom and I had said that it ... we didn't think it was funny, we didn't think it was a joke. And then I, and then I wrapped my head around it. I remember one time Isla had a dance on fifth grade and they did it on stage. Right? And, uh, and they were saying, "You know, just so you know, the p- the parents are gonna be in the audience. Boys may dance with boys, girls may dance with girls. We just want all the parents to know that we're cool with that and make sure everyone's cool with that." You know, like, a little preamble. And I said, "Yeah, as long as they're white."

   27. JRJoe Rogan9:29

       (laughs)

   28. BKBert Kreischer9:31

       And, (laughs) and, and man some parents got so upset. Like, really, really upset.

   29. JRJoe Rogan9:37

       'Cause they don't have any sense of humor.

   30. BKBert Kreischer9:38

       And they go, "Are you being serious?" I go, "Guys, I'm joking. Obviously I wanted-"
4. 9:58 – 13:49

   Parent-world chaos: school drop-off stories and the “porn star mom” reveal

   1. JRJoe Rogan9:58

      Parents are weird, man, because some of them are super cool. You know? And if you get lucky, like, um, I know a really gr- a really nice group of super cool parents of, like, my kids' friends and it's a pleasure.

   2. BKBert Kreischer10:10

      Yes.

   3. JRJoe Rogan10:10

      'Cause when we get together it's fun. Like, I enjoy their company, our kids enjoy each other's company, and we have great times together. It's go- so f- ... I feel so fortunate for the friends that I've acquired this way. You can find cool people that aren't comics. They do exist.

   4. BKBert Kreischer10:24

      Oh, yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan10:24

      You know? You can get lucky. But the problem is people that take themselves too seriously or people that are under the iron fist of, like, office politics and office behavior and business behavior. Those people get t- they get consumed because they're there every day. And when you're there, you gotta bullshit every day. You're wearing a tie, you got slippery bottoms to your shoes. The whole thing's nonsense, right?

   6. BKBert Kreischer10:46

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan10:46

      You, uh, and, and you're ... You have to speak and behave a certain way and you can't make jokes about anything. And sometimes you're working with girls and you're working with guys and everybody's flirting with each other, and there's all this crazy office politics as people are trying to move up the ladder. And while they're trying to move up the ladder, they have to make sure they don't say anything that's gonna sabotage their career just trying to be funny or just, you know, getting a little out of hand at a company Christmas party.

   8. BKBert Kreischer11:08

      (laughs) Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan11:08

      Get a couple cocktails in you and ruining your career. Like, these people are always on the edge. They're always suppressed. So when they're around someone who's not, who just cuts loose, they're like, "No. No. You stay in line."

   10. BKBert Kreischer11:20

       (laughs)

   11. JRJoe Rogan11:22

       "No. No jokes." But they ... But looking at you though, they could have thought you were serious.

   12. BKBert Kreischer11:27

       Oh.

   13. JRJoe Rogan11:28

       That's where-

   14. BKBert Kreischer11:28

       'Cause-

   15. JRJoe Rogan11:28

       ... it's dangerous, 'cause they might not be able to switch gears well. Like, sometimes people, if they knew you were gonna joke around about something, they'd be fine. But then you say something like that and you're like, "Oh, my God. Is he serious? I have to stand up and denounce racism now."

   16. BKBert Kreischer11:39

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan11:39

       Yeah.

   18. BKBert Kreischer11:40

       That's, those ... Man, that's the craziest part about ... I have ... Especially, I've gone through ... I'm work- ... My daughter, oldest daughter's in ni- tenth grade and my youngest is in eighth, and those formative, like, K through five, those ... That, that, that's the fun run of being a parent.

   19. JRJoe Rogan11:54

       Mm.

   20. BKBert Kreischer11:54

       And fu- ... 'Cause you meet a lot of parents that you don't know.

   21. JRJoe Rogan11:57

       Yeah.

   22. BKBert Kreischer11:57

       And you say shit and you find out shit. I remember one time we were at drop-off and we found out ... We got an email about some whatchamacallit, and the mom sent it from her work account and it was a fucking porn star. And we were like-

   23. JRJoe Rogan12:07

       LOL.

   24. BKBert Kreischer12:08

       And we're in drop-off, me and a couple dads looking, watching her fuck, being like, "Take a look at this."

   25. SPSpeaker12:12

       (laughs)

   26. JRJoe Rogan12:13

       Oh, that's rough.

   27. BKBert Kreischer12:14

       Yeah.

   28. JRJoe Rogan12:14

       You try it. That's one thing it's tough to switch gears from.

   29. BKBert Kreischer12:17

       ... with a-

   30. JRJoe Rogan12:18

       A guy or a girl, if you're a porn star-
5. 13:49 – 14:48

   Spring break denial, horny teenagers, and the Florida/Texas crowd problem

   1. BKBert Kreischer13:49

      That's what this, that's what this ... When you saw fucking Florida, all those kids going-

   2. JRJoe Rogan13:53

      Oh, my God, yeah.

   3. BKBert Kreischer13:53

      ... "Fuck it, this is my spring break," those are people that would raw dog it with herpes and not tell you about it. (laughs)

   4. JRJoe Rogan13:58

      Yeah. (laughs)

   5. BKBert Kreischer13:58

      This is about me.

   6. JRJoe Rogan13:59

      I'm in a-

   7. BKBert Kreischer13:59

      This is my vacation.

   8. JRJoe Rogan14:00

      I'm in this other group chat and these, uh, these comics are like, "These kids are so stupid. How can they be so irresponsible?" This and that. And I just type in all caps, "They want to fuck."

   9. BKBert Kreischer14:09

      (laughs)

   10. JRJoe Rogan14:10

       Like, that's what's going on. They don't care. They want to fuck, and they're drunk in Mexico. Like, get outta here. You know?

   11. BKBert Kreischer14:17

       Yeah. (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan14:17

       They wanna fuck whether in Florida on spring break.

   13. BKBert Kreischer14:20

       I would've been me.

   14. JRJoe Rogan14:20

       They're in Cancun or they're in ... You know, there's people in, uh, Texas. There was this thing about, uh, these Texas kids and they were, they were piled onto this, uh, this area together. It's like this sh- I don't know, it looked like some outdoor party area. But they were just stacked in there like sardines and people were like, "Holy fuck." Like, yeah, yeah, you, you didn't, you didn't raise your kids right. (laughs)

   15. BKBert Kreischer14:42

       (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan14:42

       And even if you did, even if you did, if you ... They're hanging around with other kids that are fuck-ups, they're gonna fuck up.

   17. BKBert Kreischer14:48

       Oh, yeah?

6. 14:48 – 25:37

   Growing up around wild kids: Joe’s Boston years, punk neighbors, and Bert’s own rough neighborhood

   1. JRJoe Rogan14:48

      We all did that. I, I was involved in a lot of really stupid shit because I was around some kids that were sketchy when I was a kid. You know?

   2. BKBert Kreischer14:56

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan14:56

      I just ... Especially when I lived in Jamaica Plain. Jamaica Plain was like this, uh, this area that we only lived there for about (sighs) maybe (sighs) less than two years. It was like a year and a half. And it was, like, an urban section of, uh, Boston that's since been gentrified apparently. Apparently it's nice now. (smacks lips) But back then it was sketchy. It was like, all kinds of, like, everyone, Irish kids, Italian kids, Black kids, Puerto Rican kids, but no one was getting good parenting. Everyone's parents smoked. (laughs)

   4. BKBert Kreischer15:24

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:24

      People were drunk, like, they'll, they'll ... Like, they were chaos people. They, they were like ... It was weird. There were wild people. Like, the whole block was filled with wild people. They weren't bad people. There wasn't like a, a crime-infested dangerous neighborhood, but it was sketchy and everyone was a mess.

   6. BKBert Kreischer15:41

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:42

      Everyone on my block. My nextdoor neighbor, we've talked about this before, they were a punk rock band called Death in the Shopping Mall and, uh, they used to play downstairs in the basement. And so, uh, they had these thick layers of carpet set up in the basement. So they had carpet all over the door, carpet all over the ceiling, many, many, many, many, many layers. And these guys would fucking go off in there (imitates rock music) playing guitar and fucking screaming. And I was, I guess I was 11, no, 13? Yeah, I was 13 years old, 'cause it was, uh, middle, it was middle school right before I went to high school. So I was 13 years old and, uh, I was, like, fascinated, because I was just becoming a teenager.

   8. BKBert Kreischer16:22

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan16:22

      And I did ... Living next door to these fucking savages, these savages. They just were playing crazy fucking loud music and-

   10. BKBert Kreischer16:30

       And you didn't see punk rock people a lot back then.

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:33

       No.

   12. BKBert Kreischer16:33

       I remember when there was a kid at the bus stop on Dale Mabry and he had a punk rock haircut and every morning guard driving to school had, "We'll look at him."

   13. JRJoe Rogan16:39

       Just- (laughs)

   14. BKBert Kreischer16:39

       And be like, "He has a mohawk. His mom let him have a mohawk."

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:42

       Well, I went, I went from San Francisco to Gainesville, Florida, which was a college town-

   16. BKBert Kreischer16:48

       You went to Gainesville?

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:49

       Yeah. I was in Gainesville, Florida when I was 11 to 13.

   18. BKBert Kreischer16:52

       You and River Phoenix.

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:54

       River Phoenix and, uh, Ted Bundy.

   20. BKBert Kreischer16:56

       (laughs)

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:56

       That guy too. (laughs)

   22. BKBert Kreischer16:57

       Don't get me started on Ted Bundy.

   23. JRJoe Rogan16:59

       It's all roses. (laughs) But, uh, so we lived there for a little bit and that was, like, just kinda college people in, in the apartments we lived in, just regular folks. It was, um, nothing crazy. You didn't really see too much craziness involv- uh, uh, as far as crime or, uh, sketchy folks. Everyone was pretty normal, different races, different backgrounds, but, you know, just people li- ... Apartment life, you know?

   24. BKBert Kreischer17:23

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:24

       But then when we moved to Boston, man, those kids were wild. They'd break into, uh, fucking warehouse buildings-

   26. BKBert Kreischer17:28

       (laughs)

   27. JRJoe Rogan17:29

       ... and they were in this ... They ... Everyone knew how to steal a car. They were like 13. They, they were all smoking. Everyone was smoking. Like, I immediately went into this crazy environment of whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, I was like my dog Marshall in, like, a room-

   28. BKBert Kreischer17:41

       Yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:41

       ... full of, like, rabid German shepherds. I was like-

   30. BKBert Kreischer17:43

       (laughs)
7. 25:37 – 28:24

   Tiger King discovery and the lure—and horror—of owning big cats

   1. JRJoe Rogan25:37

      Big Cats?

   2. BKBert Kreischer25:37

      Or Cat King.

   3. JVJamie Vernon25:38

      Tiger King.

   4. JRJoe Rogan25:39

      Tiger King? What is that?

   5. BKBert Kreischer25:40

      Holy fuck, Joe.

   6. JRJoe Rogan25:41

      What is it?

   7. BKBert Kreischer25:42

      This is-

   8. JVJamie Vernon25:42

      (laughs)

   9. BKBert Kreischer25:42

      ... talk about faux confidence. It's a s- it's on Netflix, and it might be the most amazing show I've ever seen. It's about people who own big cats, like tigers and-

   10. JRJoe Rogan25:54

       Oh, wow.

   11. BKBert Kreischer25:54

       But the whole thing is about-

   12. JRJoe Rogan25:55

       Oh, Jesus.

   13. BKBert Kreischer25:55

       ... about petting cubs. Cub petting.

   14. JRJoe Rogan25:58

       You gotta pet them when they're real young and then they stay cool with you?

   15. BKBert Kreischer26:01

       Well, no, no, no, no. So these guys make a living off cub petting. So they bring the cubs around, everyone wants a cub.

   16. JRJoe Rogan26:05

       Oh, wow.

   17. BKBert Kreischer26:06

       And then what happens is the cubs grow up and then they end up with big fucking cats.

   18. JRJoe Rogan26:10

       Right.

   19. BKBert Kreischer26:10

       And it is... I won't talk to you about it. I'll let you watch it and enjoy it with someone who's... Like, once you've seen it, there's no reason for me to tell you about it.

   20. JRJoe Rogan26:17

       Here's the thing, man.

   21. BKBert Kreischer26:17

       It's fucking amazing.

   22. JRJoe Rogan26:19

       E- even if you treat your cat really, really well, you got him in a cage. That c- a cat does not wanna be in a fucking cage.

   23. BKBert Kreischer26:25

       No shit.

   24. JRJoe Rogan26:26

       They don't wanna be in a cage.

   25. BKBert Kreischer26:27

       We got a code red. Someone ripped off Brenda's arm. It is-

   26. JRJoe Rogan26:30

       Someone ripped off someone's arm?

   27. BKBert Kreischer26:31

       Joe, you gotta watch it.

   28. JRJoe Rogan26:32

       Bro.

   29. BKBert Kreischer26:33

       It is-

   30. JVJamie Vernon26:33

       There's 187 cats on this, uh, Oklahoma property.
8. 28:24 – 33:12

   From polar bears to servals: exotic pets, domestication myths, and predator wiring

   1. JRJoe Rogan28:24

      There's something about people and giant, crazy animals, people that wanna keep those animals as pets. Like, there's, uh, there's this Russian dude, I think, who has a polar bear, and he swims with the polar bear.

   2. BKBert Kreischer28:35

      (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan28:36

      Have you ever seen it?

   4. BKBert Kreischer28:37

      No, no, no, no.

   5. JRJoe Rogan28:38

      He's in a swimming pool with a polar bear. He's, like, hanging out with the thing and cuddling with it. And I was like, "What in the fuck are you doing, man?"

   6. BKBert Kreischer28:44

      But, but you don't identify with that a little bit? 'Cause I do. I definitely do.

   7. JRJoe Rogan28:48

      (laughs)

   8. BKBert Kreischer28:48

      As a do- a dude with big dogs.

   9. JRJoe Rogan28:50

      Well, I think it's cool, you know, to watch, 'cause it's not killing him. You know, it's like, look at it. It's hugging him, it's kissing him.

   10. BKBert Kreischer28:57

       (laughs) Until it decides not to.

   11. JRJoe Rogan28:59

       Like ... Well, I think if you k- bears, I think, are a different animal, because if you keep bears really well fed, they don't... They're, they're not just predators. They're omnivores, right? So if you keep bears really well fed, they're probably pretty chill. And I wonder if bears are like people. Like, I think if you feed people only vegetables, I really believe this, they probably get less aggressive. 'Cause I think your body probably doesn't think you need to be chasing things and killing things because you're not eating animal protein. So your body's like, "Oh, we can just relax and stroll and just pick berries and eat grasses and stuff." You know? And I think if you did the same thing to a bear, maybe if you just gave the bear, like, apple pies and blueberries and stuff.

   12. BKBert Kreischer29:40

       Oh. Look at that bear get out of a pool.

   13. JVJamie Vernon29:42

       Oh, it's great.

   14. JRJoe Rogan29:42

       Yeah. Bro, he's so big.

   15. BKBert Kreischer29:45

       I would lo- I mean, like, here's ... The problem is I would love one.

   16. JRJoe Rogan29:49

       Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to have one for a real good reason.

   17. JVJamie Vernon29:52

       (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan29:52

       'Cause there's a lot of people that shouldn't have fucking dogs, man. You've seen bad dogs, and people have bad dogs.

   19. BKBert Kreischer29:58

       I ... There's a lot of people that shouldn't have dogs.

   20. JRJoe Rogan29:59

       Yeah.

   21. BKBert Kreischer29:59

       Especially in LA.

   22. JRJoe Rogan30:01

       Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that, like, don't ... they don't train their dogs well, and their dogs are, like, really aggressive, and they, they jump up on people. And, you know, imagine if it was a bear that did that. (coughs) Just the responsibility. Look at the length of its neck. It's so crazy. They have such long necks. But the ... Just what it is, it's, it's ... You know, the, the animal that it is, it seems ridiculous that you should be able to have that in your backyard. Like, that's a polar bear.

   23. BKBert Kreischer30:28

       Yeah. Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:28

       I gotta know where that guy lives. Where is that g- does it say?

   25. BKBert Kreischer30:30

       Oh, it's gotta be Ohio.... Oklahoma.

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:32

       (laughs)

   27. BKBert Kreischer30:33

       One of those cities. Ohio seems like a-

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:35

       Do you remember the one guy who, uh, shot himself and let all the animals out?

   29. BKBert Kreischer30:37

       Yeah, they talk about that on the fucking thing.

   30. JRJoe Rogan30:39

       Oh, yeah.
9. 33:12 – 43:24

   Pet ownership reality check: fixing cats, dog hormones, and the heartbreak of aging pets

   1. JRJoe Rogan33:12

      I had a whole bit about vegan cats.

   2. BKBert Kreischer33:14

      Yes.

   3. JRJoe Rogan33:14

      Because some lady was mean to me and I went to her page and I looked up #vegancat. I was like, "Holy fuck."

   4. BKBert Kreischer33:20

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan33:20

      "This is a thing?" And then I started going down this rabbit hole of, of people with animals and cats in particular and how ... Cats are the ... They are the strangest animal that we keep as pets and I have two of them. I love cats. They're sweet. My daught- my oldest daughter has them now (clears throat) 'cause my, uh, middle daughter is, uh, allergic. But when I'm around them, I love them, I love them. But you gotta do weird shit with them. First of all, you gotta castrate the males. You gotta fix them all. Like, my dog Marshall, he's not fixed. He's fine. There's nothing wrong with him. He's not gonna get laid. He's around me all the time.

   6. BKBert Kreischer33:51

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan33:51

      And it, it does fuck with their energy and it's irresponsible to have dogs with testicles and just have them have a bunch of babies, unwanted babies. You're right. Absolutely. But the idea that that's the only way it has to be, that he just ha- the, the dog has to either be fixed or you, uh, you're irresponsible and the dog's gonna fuck a lot and make babies. No. You can be a responsible dog owner and the dog is not fixed and the dog has more energy. Like, police dogs, none of them are fixed. It's for a reason.

   8. BKBert Kreischer34:16

      There's-

   9. JRJoe Rogan34:16

      'Cause when they ... They're fixed, they stop producing testosterone.

   10. BKBert Kreischer34:18

       There's a lot of problems with ... We, uh, we got our dog, uh, Priscilla f- uh, fixed.

   11. JRJoe Rogan34:24

       Mm-hmm.

   12. BKBert Kreischer34:24

       At a young age. She's a bull mastiff. And we found out later that when you get a dog fixed, a bull mastiff fixed too young ... Heads up to any bull mastiff owners ... it can fuck with their joints.

   13. JRJoe Rogan34:34

       Yeah. They, they have to reach-

   14. BKBert Kreischer34:34

       Because their body's not done growing.

   15. JRJoe Rogan34:35

       ... physical maturity.

   16. BKBert Kreischer34:36

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan34:36

       They have to reach physical maturity. Yeah. Your, your body needs the, the hormones that it was born with. I mean, this is the whole idea behind, uh, you know, like being a young, healthy dog and then if you trim the dog's balls, you're changing what the dog is. And you can do that ... My point was, you can do that with dogs or you can not do that with dogs. Like, you can have dogs that have their testicles, but with cats, you have to do it. If you have a male cat, they're all fixed or they will piss all over your fucking house.

   18. BKBert Kreischer35:07

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan35:07

       Dude, it's nasty. I had a male cat that was a feral cat that I raised and I had to corral him in the bathroom in order to, uh, trap him and bring him to the veterinarian to fix him. And while I was corralling him, he pissed on the wall. He lifted up his tail and pissed all over the walls. Like, "Dude, what the fuck?" And I had to ... I threw a, a towel or a bathrobe or something over him and I scooped him up and I fought with this cat.

   20. BKBert Kreischer35:31

       (laughs)

   21. JRJoe Rogan35:31

       Fought with him and stuffed him into a laundry basket and took him to get fixed. You have to get them fixed, man.

   22. BKBert Kreischer35:38

       Fighting a cat is fucking ... When you sh- it shows you just how weak you are.

   23. JRJoe Rogan35:41

       He's so little too. He wasn't a big cat and at the time, he wasn't even a year old, you know? 'Cause I was getting him fixed so I think you get them fixed like seven, eight, nine months, something like that. But he was ready (laughs) to fuck me up, man.

   24. BKBert Kreischer35:51

       Dude.

   25. JRJoe Rogan35:51

       It was hard. I ... So I had to corral him, get him into this fucking, uh, laundry basket, bring him to Dr. Craig-

   26. BKBert Kreischer35:58

       (laughs)

   27. JRJoe Rogan35:58

       ... who was my veterinarian in Encino before he passed. Rest in peace, he was a great guy. And then, um, when I was, um, uh, bringing him to him (laughs) I'm like, "He's in there. Are you guys gonna be able to get him out? Do you want me to stay?" And they're like, "No, I think we, we're gonna be able to handle it." And then afterwards, uh, I, uh, came by to pick up the cat and he was like, "What the fuck?"

   28. BKBert Kreischer36:15

       (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan36:16

       I go, "Yeah, dude."

   30. BKBert Kreischer36:16

       (laughs)
10. 43:24 – 1:21:02

    Lockdown economics and trust crisis: senators selling stock, market fragility, and helping workers

    1. JRJoe Rogan43:24

       At least eight weeks, man. When... I mean, how long is it gonna be?

    2. BKBert Kreischer43:26

       Can you believe that?

    3. JRJoe Rogan43:27

       It's probably gonna be several months before, uh-

    4. BKBert Kreischer43:30

       June?

    5. JRJoe Rogan43:31

       ... (sighs) Easily. Could be longer. It could be... You know, maybe they find medication that, even though there's not a vaccine, there's some hope for a few different kinds of medication. One of them is a malaria drug. I don't... I- I can't pronounce the name off the top of my head. And there's another one that shows promise as well. (smacks lips) And they think that it might be possible that people could catch this, then you'd give them the medication, it would wipe it out. Um, there's also... There was some speculation about Tamiflu, but I don't think there's any conclusive evidence that shows that Tamiflu helps it. But there is some... These anti-malarial medications, I think, that they think has promise. But what concerns me is that it seems to be so different with different people. That's what's weird about this.

    6. BKBert Kreischer44:17

       Yeah.

    7. JRJoe Rogan44:17

       It makes it... It's like what's scary right now for everybody is the unknown. Like, we're in the unknown. Like, now, we've never been in this situation before as a culture where we're, we're on lockdown and the whole world is scared of a disease. Not, not in our lifetimes. I mean, not since, like, the Spanish flu. And back then, there wasn't as much transportation, there wasn't as much, uh, distribution of information, so people probably weren't as aware as we are now, you know, of all the various cases all around them all the time 'cause, you know, we're hearing about cases in Italy and, uh, fucking Australia, everywhere. We're hearing about cases all over the planet. I don't think that was the case back during the Spanish flu days. I think it was probably harder to understand what was happening, right? Because there... It wa-... You probably only got the newspaper or on the radio back then and everybody-

    8. BKBert Kreischer45:03

       Right.

    9. JRJoe Rogan45:03

       ... had to huddle around at a certain time and those are the masters of information. Whatever they said, that was it. But now you get all sorts of conflicting information, even from doctors, man. I've read doctors that think it's nothing and then I've read doctors that were terrified. It's like, "Whoa, this is nuts." And then, you know, you look at... Uh, I don't know if you've been paying attention to what these senators did. Uh, there's, uh, some senators, they had a behind closed doors meeting about the coronavirus in China and what it could mean to the United States and, you know, the various impacts, and they went out and sold their stock.

    10. BKBert Kreischer45:39

        Immediately.

    11. JRJoe Rogan45:40

        Dude. And then they... But, but at the same time, they were talking about how under control the government had it and how we're prepared and how it's gonna be fine. And meanwhile, they knew. They knew, so they had two faces. They had a public face that they were giving to us to try to keep us calm, and then they had a private face which realized that the stock market was gonna take a huge loss and so they sold everything and made immense profits based on the information that they found out from these closed door meetings about the coronavirus.

    12. BKBert Kreischer46:09

        How are they supposed to ha-

    13. JRJoe Rogan46:10

        How is that legal?

    14. BKBert Kreischer46:11

        How are they supposed to handle, though, out of, like... Legally, what are they supposed to do?

    15. JRJoe Rogan46:14

        (sighs) Well, I-

    16. BKBert Kreischer46:14

        'Cause that makes it confusing.

    17. JRJoe Rogan46:15

        I don't know what constitutes insider trading. How does that work? Do you understand how that works? Like, if you have-

    18. BKBert Kreischer46:22

        I do not.

    19. JRJoe Rogan46:22

        ... information that can allow you to make money, well, isn't that, like, what everyone's trying to do? Like, if you... Like, what is the point of playing the stock market if you don't know things? And if you do know things, if you know more because you know the guy who's the president and he tells you something about something they're gonna do and you're not supposed to trade then-

    20. BKBert Kreischer46:36

        Yeah.

    21. JRJoe Rogan46:36

        ... because of that information? Like, all right. Okay. I... You know, I'm sure there's a logic to it. I'm a moron. Don't run it by me. But if that's in- insider trading, well, what is it with the senators do? If they knew that the coronavirus was gonna wreck our economy, if they knew that it was coming down like a fucking storm of hail that no one could stop, if they knew, and then they bailed out and made immense profits, (sighs) that seems so shady.

    22. BKBert Kreischer47:01

        Yeah.

    23. JRJoe Rogan47:01

        That seems so shady that they didn't advise people. Like, you're supposed to be a leader, right? If you're in a position of an elected representative, you're supposed to be acting in the position of a leader. And if your way to lead is tell people one thing but act in a completely different direction, tell people everything's gonna be fine, but then start selling your stock at a profit and you don't tell other people to do it because you're worried that maybe that information is gonna cause some ripple effect and it's gonna destroy the economy even before the coronavirus hits just out of panic and fear and people are gonna act wrong. But you acted in a different way than the way you were talking. You acted like this shit was gonna be real. You acted like this is gonna be a real problem. And then the question is, like, how much of a problem did they think it was gonna be? Maybe they dumped their stock, they thought it was gonna be a little problem. Would that be okay? Well, but if they found out it was gonna be a huge problem, then it's not. Well, that seems weird to me too. Like, I don't know what should the rules be with information in the stock market. The stock market is gross.

    24. BKBert Kreischer48:00

        Yeah.

    25. JRJoe Rogan48:00

        Like, it's gr-... The whole thing's gross. Like, what are we basing our economy on, this fucking madness?

    26. BKBert Kreischer48:06

        This is... It's not, it's not the way that the 2000- 2009 breakdown was. 2008 when the stock market crashed-

    27. JRJoe Rogan48:11

        Yeah.

    28. BKBert Kreischer48:11

        ... it was based on literal numbers and, and investments.

    29. JRJoe Rogan48:14

        This is real.

    30. BKBert Kreischer48:15

        This is based... No, no, I would actually say that one was more real than this one. This is a... The stock market's crashed in a way that you're going, like, it's based on... I, I mean, I, I know that it's, it's for commercial businesses, their loan's gonna come up and it's gonna be tough for them. But at some point you're like, "I wish you could just put it on freeze and go, 'Hey, let's come back in like two months and let's start where we were. Let's make sure everyone was fed.'" Like, that's...

Episode duration: 3:21:26