Joe Rogan Experience #1446 - Bert Kreischer

Joe Rogan 0:04 And we're live. Cheers, sir.

Bert Kreischer 0:06 Cheers, brother.

Joe Rogan 0:07 Yeah. While the world is on fire, we might as well get a little- a little fucked up. Just a little bit.

Bert Kreischer 0:11 I've been clean- I've been clean for seven days.

Joe Rogan 0:13 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 0:14 No booze.

Joe Rogan 0:15 No nothing?

Bert Kreischer 0:15 No nothing.

Joe Rogan 0:16 You look good. Your face looks good.

Bert Kreischer 0:17 I know. It's- I can starting to see a- a direct difference when I quit drinking.

Joe Rogan 0:21 Do you feel trapped by your image, by your party image?

Bert Kreischer 0:26 I would never have said yes until this week. I've exhaled for the first time in a very big way, like where I was like- I was like-

Joe Rogan 0:35 Right.

Bert Kreischer 0:35 ... no road. I'm not- I'm not doing social media. I'm- I mean, I'm doing stories and stuff, but I'm not trying to put... Like, when things shut down, I kinda shut down with America, and I was like... Yesterday, man, I sat in a hammock sober for, like, fucking two hours and just relaxed.

Joe Rogan 0:50 It is nice to be home for a while. It is nice. You- you realize what a beating our lifestyle takes on your body, the travel, and then if you're boozing, too, the travel and the boozing together. So, uh, we should tell everybody what we learned today. Um, I'm revising my thinking about this virus because of Michael Yeo. Michael Yeo caught it. Michael Yeo is healthy as fuck. He's- he's not- he's not in any high-risk group. Like, he's not- he doesn't have any preexisting conditions. He's in shape. And, uh, he got it, and he got pneumonia too, and he said it was a double combination, and he thought he was gonna die. And he was in the hospital, uh, for over a week, and four days ago, he said he thought he was gonna die. That's fucking terrifying 'cause Michael Yeo is healthy. He's not some 80-year-old man.

Bert Kreischer 1:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:41 Um, I talked to my friend, uh, Dr. Peter Attia. Uh, he's a physician, and he, uh, gave me-

Bert Kreischer 1:47 That's the guy that swam from Maui.

Joe Rogan 1:49 Yes. He swam all the islands. He's a fucking straight-up savage. So his take... I- this is my question to him. I said, "This is crazy shit. Uh, what is your take on how so many people experience very few symptoms, but others get wrecked?" And he said, "I still think most people below 55 sail through it. I've had two patients get it, uh, shitty cold and loss of a sense of smell and taste, which probably returns soon. But still, a small fraction of these folks get hurt. I know a doc taking care of a 28-year-old fitness instructor on a ventilator in New York City today." "Why?" He said, "Maybe some genetic predisposition. We know blood types matters. Uh, A is the worst. O is the best based on antibodies."

Bert Kreischer 2:34 Bam.

Joe Rogan 2:34 He said, uh... I'm O positive.

Bert Kreischer 2:36 Me too.

Joe Rogan 2:36 He said, "But I- I don't think that explains more than some of it. Maybe shit like vaping," he said. "Still too soon to tell." Uh, he is a straight-up, no-nonsense, no-bullshit guy, and, uh, I listen to everything he says. So, um, when guys like him are concerned, I get concerned, and he's concerned. He's con-... This is a weird disease. Another thing that he said, "It's weird that it seems that people who spend more time with this get it worse." He's like, "It's not like..." You know, like- like, doctors in hospitals with prolonged exposure get it really bad. Uh, nurses in hospitals with prolonged exposure seem to get it really bad. Whereas some people get it, and they don't get it bad. It's weird. It's a very, very strange disease according to doctors. And I think we're still trying to figure this out. You know, it's just... Wow. It's- it's one of those things where everyone's just sort of absorbing the information as it comes in, and you gotta be open to adjusting your opinions. And my opinions were, um, I really was concerned with old people, and I was concerned with sick people. Now, after Michael Yeo, I'm like, okay, this is not that straightforward. There- there might be some, uh, some other crazy factors here. Like, for some people, yeah, like Idris Elba, who looks fantastic, you know, fine, but maybe other people are gonna have a real hard time with it, like Michael Yeo. Like, Michael Yeo is not a sickly guy. He's a big, robust guy. That's a spooky one.

Bert Kreischer 4:04 Yeah. I mean, your- your podcast with, uh, the-

Joe Rogan 4:07 Osterholm?

Bert Kreischer 4:08 Chicklet, Chicken Little. That scared the fuck out of me.

Joe Rogan 4:11 Chicken Little? (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 4:11 Fucking sitting in the back of my tour bus, and I hear this. I'm like, "Oh, I've had a few cocktails. I hit a joint. Let's go to bed. Oh, cool. Who's this guy? Oh, the coronavirus. I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit about that."

Joe Rogan 4:20 Ooh.

Bert Kreischer 4:21 Holy... First thing I did, I told Jamie, first thing I did, I sat up in bed, and I just Googled that motherfucker. I was like, "He wrote a book, didn't he?"

Joe Rogan 4:28 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 4:28 "Fuck that guy." That guy... I was- I was- I was so freaked out in that fucking podcast. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:34 What's crazy about Osterholm is he predicted this shit, um, literally specifically as to where it was gonna come from. He wrote a book-

Bert Kreischer 4:40 He was very insightful. I didn't mean to fuck that guy in a bad way.

Joe Rogan 4:43 Yeah. No, no, no, I know you don't.

Bert Kreischer 4:43 He's a very insightful dude.

Joe Rogan 4:45 No, he was great.

Bert Kreischer 4:45 And it was a great podcast, but man, it sc-... I'll tell you right now, Joe. You said- you said, uh, "So guys that are overweight, that drink a lot, that smoke, and-"

Joe Rogan 4:55 I was talking to you. You know that, right?

Bert Kreischer 4:57 By the way, I- I thought you were.

Joe Rogan 4:58 (laughs) I was.

Bert Kreischer 5:00 I s-... I didn't... Were you being serious?

Joe Rogan 5:00 I was. I was like, per- I'm talking to you.

Bert Kreischer 5:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:02 I didn't want to say it, but I was, like, piecing together out of all my good friends, who's my one friend who takes care of himself the worst? It's you.

Bert Kreischer 5:08 It's me.

Joe Rogan 5:10 It's you.

Bert Kreischer 5:11 I quit cigars, weed-

Joe Rogan 5:12 Beautiful.

Bert Kreischer 5:13 ... booze.

Joe Rogan 5:14 Beautiful.

Bert Kreischer 5:14 I'm having a drink now, but that's 'cause-

Joe Rogan 5:15 You're still okay, man.

Bert Kreischer 5:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:16 Like, if you stopped this bus now (brakes screech) and got healthy and just drank water, only water for a month, you know, you could pull this shit together.

Bert Kreischer 5:25 I'm pulling it.

Joe Rogan 5:26 I mean, you're- you're a healthy... Relatively speaking, compared to the fucking savagery you do to your physique, to your body, to-

Bert Kreischer 5:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:34 ... to your form, to your- your- your being by just downing booze constantly-

Bert Kreischer 5:38 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 5:38 ... you're great. Like, most people would be really fucked up if they were in your position. That's... We were all a-... We were, uh, marveling when you ran that marathon. Like, "This motherfucker parties so hard, and he just ran a marathon." Like, it's crazy. You're a very... Like, I hate to use the same word again, but it's the right word. Robust. You're a robust guy. And the reason why you're able to endure all this booze is because you're robust. But if you didn't do the booze, man, you'd probably be a stud.'Cause whatever the fuck is keeping you going with all this booze, imagine what kind of- I mean, you, you're like pouring sugar water into a fucking 68 Charger.

Bert Kreischer 6:15 (laughs)

Speaker 6:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:15 You know? (laughs) If you just cleaned that bitch up, cleaned that bitch up, replaced the heads, that, that Hemi will purr. You know? Like, you, you must be ... You, you have to have great genes. There's no other way. I mean, how old are you now?

Bert Kreischer 6:30 47.

Joe Rogan 6:30 Yeah, you're 47 and relatively speaking, compared to the fucking savagery you do boozing. I boozed with you, it's, it's, it's a rough go.

Bert Kreischer 6:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:40 You know? It's like smoking weed with Joey Diaz or, uh, with B-Real from Cypress Hill. Just stop. You're not in their league.

Bert Kreischer 6:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:47 You know? You don't, you, you don't roll with Hicks and Gracie and expect to tap them.

Bert Kreischer 6:51 I didn't-

Joe Rogan 6:51 You know? You don't smoke weed with B-Real.

Bert Kreischer 6:53 I didn't, uh, I didn't see-

Joe Rogan 6:55 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 6:55 I didn't ever, I never see that, and then I took Normand on ... to Europe with me. Marc Normand.

Joe Rogan 6:59 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 6:59 And Marc Normand's a boozer.

Joe Rogan 7:01 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 7:01 And man, two days in and he tapped out.

Joe Rogan 7:03 Ah.

Bert Kreischer 7:03 We got him addicted to Ambien. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:08 (laughs)

Speaker 7:09 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 7:10 He was, he is the funniest fucking-

Joe Rogan 7:12 I love him.

Bert Kreischer 7:12 ... human being. I really love him.

Joe Rogan 7:13 He's a real comic, man. I cherish guys like him. Him, Andrew Schulz.

Bert Kreischer 7:18 I texted Ms. Schulz this morning.

Joe Rogan 7:19 I mean, these young guys coming up. These young guys coming up are everything to me.

Bert Kreischer 7:22 Chris Distefano.

Joe Rogan 7:23 Young women coming up too.

Bert Kreischer 7:23 Do you ... Are you ... Do you know Chris Distefano?

Joe Rogan 7:25 I do not know him well.

Bert Kreischer 7:26 Man.

Joe Rogan 7:27 I know of him.

Bert Kreischer 7:27 He makes me-

Joe Rogan 7:28 He's very funny.

Bert Kreischer 7:28 ... giggle hard as fuck.

Joe Rogan 7:30 He's very funny. Very funny guy. There's a good crop, a good crop of real comics who, uh, honor this thing that we do. It's, it's a weird thing we do. You know? It's like, what we're doing is a very strange game of saying funny, silly shit, and then trying to make each other laugh, and then ... But understanding what we're doing. Don't say, "Oh, you really mean that." Or, "Oh," you know, "You can't joke about this."

Bert Kreischer 7:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:55 Like, none of those guys will do that, 'cause we know the game. The game is to be funny. That's, that's just the game. Be funny. And you ... Sometimes you say ridiculous shit-

Bert Kreischer 8:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:02 ... to be funny. Sometimes it works, sometimes it falls apart, sometimes it blows up in your face.

Bert Kreischer 8:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:06 And sometimes it knocks it out of the park. And so you gotta take those risks, and you throw in every now and then. It's the people that are in this thing that understand what we're doing and appreciate that, those are the most fun people to hang out with because you never have to think about them getting upset at you for saying something or them taking you literally or seriously, or them not even taking you seriously but calling you on it, pretend that they're taking you seriously-

Bert Kreischer 8:30 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 8:30 ... so that they can virtue signal, which I've seen before but I've never seen from anybody funny.

Bert Kreischer 8:35 No.

Joe Rogan 8:35 It's never from anybody funny. It's always from these kind of half-assed sort of half-cooked versions of a comic. You know?

Bert Kreischer 8:43 Yeah. It's never been... I was telling ... You know, I, I got into a conversation with Ari about whether ... What the parameters of a joke were after the whole Kobe Bryant shit.

Joe Rogan 8:52 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 8:53 And, uh, and he said something that made me, like, fucking stutter step. He was like, he was like, "It ... You can't say it's not a joke." He kept arguing. "You can't say it's not a joke. You can't say it's not a joke. It was a joke, Bert. It was a joke." And I was just saying to him, you know, Tom and I had said that it ... we didn't think it was funny, we didn't think it was a joke. And then I, and then I wrapped my head around it. I remember one time Isla had a dance on fifth grade and they did it on stage. Right? And, uh, and they were saying, "You know, just so you know, the p- the parents are gonna be in the audience. Boys may dance with boys, girls may dance with girls. We just want all the parents to know that we're cool with that and make sure everyone's cool with that." You know, like, a little preamble. And I said, "Yeah, as long as they're white."

Joe Rogan 9:29 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:31 And, (laughs) and, and man some parents got so upset. Like, really, really upset.

Joe Rogan 9:37 'Cause they don't have any sense of humor.

Bert Kreischer 9:38 And they go, "Are you being serious?" I go, "Guys, I'm joking. Obviously I wanted-"

Joe Rogan 9:41 I'm a professional comedian. Did you tell them?

Bert Kreischer 9:43 "No, no." And I go, "I don't wanna dancing with girls, I want to dance with boys."

Joe Rogan 9:46 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:46 And they, and, and that's what I-

Joe Rogan 9:48 Did they start laughing at that at least?

Bert Kreischer 9:49 Then, no, no, no, no. They got, uh, more mad.

Joe Rogan 9:51 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 9:51 They got more mad. It's fucking half this special is just times I s- fucking said the worst things to people.

Speaker 9:58 Woo.

Joe Rogan 9:58 Parents are weird, man, because some of them are super cool. You know? And if you get lucky, like, um, I know a really gr- a really nice group of super cool parents of, like, my kids' friends and it's a pleasure.

Bert Kreischer 10:10 Yes.

Joe Rogan 10:10 'Cause when we get together it's fun. Like, I enjoy their company, our kids enjoy each other's company, and we have great times together. It's go- so f- ... I feel so fortunate for the friends that I've acquired this way. You can find cool people that aren't comics. They do exist.

Bert Kreischer 10:24 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:24 You know? You can get lucky. But the problem is people that take themselves too seriously or people that are under the iron fist of, like, office politics and office behavior and business behavior. Those people get t- they get consumed because they're there every day. And when you're there, you gotta bullshit every day. You're wearing a tie, you got slippery bottoms to your shoes. The whole thing's nonsense, right?

Bert Kreischer 10:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:46 You, uh, and, and you're ... You have to speak and behave a certain way and you can't make jokes about anything. And sometimes you're working with girls and you're working with guys and everybody's flirting with each other, and there's all this crazy office politics as people are trying to move up the ladder. And while they're trying to move up the ladder, they have to make sure they don't say anything that's gonna sabotage their career just trying to be funny or just, you know, getting a little out of hand at a company Christmas party.

Bert Kreischer 11:08 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:08 Get a couple cocktails in you and ruining your career. Like, these people are always on the edge. They're always suppressed. So when they're around someone who's not, who just cuts loose, they're like, "No. No. You stay in line."

Bert Kreischer 11:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:22 "No. No jokes." But they ... But looking at you though, they could have thought you were serious.

Bert Kreischer 11:27 Oh.

Joe Rogan 11:28 That's where-

Bert Kreischer 11:28 'Cause-

Joe Rogan 11:28 ... it's dangerous, 'cause they might not be able to switch gears well. Like, sometimes people, if they knew you were gonna joke around about something, they'd be fine. But then you say something like that and you're like, "Oh, my God. Is he serious? I have to stand up and denounce racism now."

Bert Kreischer 11:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:39 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 11:40 That's, those ... Man, that's the craziest part about ... I have ... Especially, I've gone through ... I'm work- ... My daughter, oldest daughter's in ni- tenth grade and my youngest is in eighth, and those formative, like, K through five, those ... That, that, that's the fun run of being a parent.

Joe Rogan 11:54 Mm.

Bert Kreischer 11:54 And fu- ... 'Cause you meet a lot of parents that you don't know.

Joe Rogan 11:57 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 11:57 And you say shit and you find out shit. I remember one time we were at drop-off and we found out ... We got an email about some whatchamacallit, and the mom sent it from her work account and it was a fucking porn star. And we were like-

Joe Rogan 12:07 LOL.

Bert Kreischer 12:08 And we're in drop-off, me and a couple dads looking, watching her fuck, being like, "Take a look at this."

Speaker 12:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 12:13 Oh, that's rough.

Bert Kreischer 12:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:14 You try it. That's one thing it's tough to switch gears from.

Bert Kreischer 12:17 ... with a-

Joe Rogan 12:18 A guy or a girl, if you're a porn star-

Bert Kreischer 12:20 Oh, yeah?

Joe Rogan 12:20 ... and you wanna go legit. It's a tough r- it's a tough road.

Bert Kreischer 12:24 It's a t- man...

Joe Rogan 12:26 For whatever reason, it's weird. It's like, if you accidentally did porn, but when you clearly ... Like Kim Kardashian, it hasn't hurt her at all.

Bert Kreischer 12:34 Not at all.

Joe Rogan 12:34 She essentially did porn. And everybody's like, "Yeah, but there was no studio attached. It was really independent." (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 12:42 (laughs) She's like, she's like the Clerks of porn. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 12:46 Yeah. And then this idea that, that somehow or another it magically got online. Like, "What happened? How did it get there?" Like, it's ... There's a negotiation process. Like, but when you see, uh, like, a, uh, old mainstream porn star that's been in like a, a ... Tons of movies that very rarely do they make a jump and then just do regular movies. Like, Traci Lords is a bit of an example of a ... An exception.

Bert Kreischer 13:08 Yeah. But she-

Joe Rogan 13:08 She did some stu- she did a John Waters movie.

Bert Kreischer 13:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:11 She did some stuff.

Bert Kreischer 13:12 Kim Kardashian's porn wasn't even that good.

Joe Rogan 13:14 (smacks lips) How dare you?

Bert Kreischer 13:15 It wasn't. You didn't see her tits really, you never saw her pussy.

Joe Rogan 13:18 Hmm.

Bert Kreischer 13:18 Like, it just was, like, her sucking his dick.

Joe Rogan 13:20 That's good enough. I don't think you should ask for too much more.

Bert Kreischer 13:23 I know- (coughs)

Joe Rogan 13:23 One, she did one movie.

Bert Kreischer 13:24 (laughs) She did one.

Joe Rogan 13:25 You know, you gotta learn your angles.

Bert Kreischer 13:26 Paris Hilton's was better.

Joe Rogan 13:27 It's like her first set, you know? You, like, you realize, like, you got outta the gate too strong, you didn't have a good closer. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:34 She's not, she's not, like, you know ... She's not a world-class professional.

Bert Kreischer 13:40 I watched Paris Hilton's porn, I was like, "I would fuck her with the herpes."

Joe Rogan 13:43 Wow.

Bert Kreischer 13:43 Allegedly, allegedly.

Joe Rogan 13:44 Wow. Just catch her on a good day, right?

Bert Kreischer 13:46 Yeah, just (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:48 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:49 That's what this, that's what this ... When you saw fucking Florida, all those kids going-

Joe Rogan 13:53 Oh, my God, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 13:53 ... "Fuck it, this is my spring break," those are people that would raw dog it with herpes and not tell you about it. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:58 Yeah. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 13:58 This is about me.

Joe Rogan 13:59 I'm in a-

Bert Kreischer 13:59 This is my vacation.

Joe Rogan 14:00 I'm in this other group chat and these, uh, these comics are like, "These kids are so stupid. How can they be so irresponsible?" This and that. And I just type in all caps, "They want to fuck."

Bert Kreischer 14:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:10 Like, that's what's going on. They don't care. They want to fuck, and they're drunk in Mexico. Like, get outta here. You know?

Bert Kreischer 14:17 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:17 They wanna fuck whether in Florida on spring break.

Bert Kreischer 14:20 I would've been me.

Joe Rogan 14:20 They're in Cancun or they're in ... You know, there's people in, uh, Texas. There was this thing about, uh, these Texas kids and they were, they were piled onto this, uh, this area together. It's like this sh- I don't know, it looked like some outdoor party area. But they were just stacked in there like sardines and people were like, "Holy fuck." Like, yeah, yeah, you, you didn't, you didn't raise your kids right. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 14:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:42 And even if you did, even if you did, if you ... They're hanging around with other kids that are fuck-ups, they're gonna fuck up.

Bert Kreischer 14:48 Oh, yeah?

Joe Rogan 14:48 We all did that. I, I was involved in a lot of really stupid shit because I was around some kids that were sketchy when I was a kid. You know?

Bert Kreischer 14:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:56 I just ... Especially when I lived in Jamaica Plain. Jamaica Plain was like this, uh, this area that we only lived there for about (sighs) maybe (sighs) less than two years. It was like a year and a half. And it was, like, an urban section of, uh, Boston that's since been gentrified apparently. Apparently it's nice now. (smacks lips) But back then it was sketchy. It was like, all kinds of, like, everyone, Irish kids, Italian kids, Black kids, Puerto Rican kids, but no one was getting good parenting. Everyone's parents smoked. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 15:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 15:24 People were drunk, like, they'll, they'll ... Like, they were chaos people. They, they were like ... It was weird. There were wild people. Like, the whole block was filled with wild people. They weren't bad people. There wasn't like a, a crime-infested dangerous neighborhood, but it was sketchy and everyone was a mess.

Bert Kreischer 15:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:42 Everyone on my block. My nextdoor neighbor, we've talked about this before, they were a punk rock band called Death in the Shopping Mall and, uh, they used to play downstairs in the basement. And so, uh, they had these thick layers of carpet set up in the basement. So they had carpet all over the door, carpet all over the ceiling, many, many, many, many, many layers. And these guys would fucking go off in there (imitates rock music) playing guitar and fucking screaming. And I was, I guess I was 11, no, 13? Yeah, I was 13 years old, 'cause it was, uh, middle, it was middle school right before I went to high school. So I was 13 years old and, uh, I was, like, fascinated, because I was just becoming a teenager.

Bert Kreischer 16:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:22 And I did ... Living next door to these fucking savages, these savages. They just were playing crazy fucking loud music and-

Bert Kreischer 16:30 And you didn't see punk rock people a lot back then.

Joe Rogan 16:33 No.

Bert Kreischer 16:33 I remember when there was a kid at the bus stop on Dale Mabry and he had a punk rock haircut and every morning guard driving to school had, "We'll look at him."

Joe Rogan 16:39 Just- (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:39 And be like, "He has a mohawk. His mom let him have a mohawk."

Joe Rogan 16:42 Well, I went, I went from San Francisco to Gainesville, Florida, which was a college town-

Bert Kreischer 16:48 You went to Gainesville?

Joe Rogan 16:49 Yeah. I was in Gainesville, Florida when I was 11 to 13.

Bert Kreischer 16:52 You and River Phoenix.

Joe Rogan 16:54 River Phoenix and, uh, Ted Bundy.

Bert Kreischer 16:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:56 That guy too. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 16:57 Don't get me started on Ted Bundy.

Joe Rogan 16:59 It's all roses. (laughs) But, uh, so we lived there for a little bit and that was, like, just kinda college people in, in the apartments we lived in, just regular folks. It was, um, nothing crazy. You didn't really see too much craziness involv- uh, uh, as far as crime or, uh, sketchy folks. Everyone was pretty normal, different races, different backgrounds, but, you know, just people li- ... Apartment life, you know?

Bert Kreischer 17:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:24 But then when we moved to Boston, man, those kids were wild. They'd break into, uh, fucking warehouse buildings-

Bert Kreischer 17:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:29 ... and they were in this ... They ... Everyone knew how to steal a car. They were like 13. They, they were all smoking. Everyone was smoking. Like, I immediately went into this crazy environment of whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, I was like my dog Marshall in, like, a room-

Bert Kreischer 17:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:41 ... full of, like, rabid German shepherds. I was like-

Bert Kreischer 17:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:43 ... "Hey, guys."

Bert Kreischer 17:44 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:44 "Can we talk this out?" Um, I'm from an apartment complex, I'm not used to, like, semi-urban kids.

Bert Kreischer 17:52 (laughs) That's an interesting transition as a young-

Joe Rogan 17:55 Woo!

Bert Kreischer 17:55 ... child.

Joe Rogan 17:55 It was rough, man. It was rough.

Bert Kreischer 17:57 When I was 10 I moved to a neighborhood where, um, where it was very aggressive and very-

Joe Rogan 18:01 Oh, when you were 10? Sam- same sort of situation?

Bert Kreischer 18:03 Yeah, we, we lived in a ... We lived in a real white trash neighborhood but my dad kinda sheltered me a little bit.

Joe Rogan 18:08 Oh, no.

Bert Kreischer 18:08 And th- and then I moved in with, like ... And there was all boys, like, they were all, like, uh, little older than me and I remember I learned the word faggot real quick.

Joe Rogan 18:14 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 18:15 (laughs) It's the first thing I learned. That and how to ho- hold an ice cube up my asshole.

Joe Rogan 18:19 Ugh.

Bert Kreischer 18:19 And so ... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:20 (laughs) Two really important things to have in your resume.

Bert Kreischer 18:22 But I remember coming home and, and being like to my sister, "Hey faggot, go get my mom and dad."

Joe Rogan 18:25 Oh my God.

Bert Kreischer 18:25 Like, what the fuck? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:26 (laughs) That's hilarious.Yeah, you can, you can certainly get ruined by bad kids, and no one knows that more than dads. Like, dads see you hanging around with sketchy kids, they go, "Hey, I don't like you hanging around with that fucking guy." Like dads see where that stuff goes, 'cause sketchy boys commit murder, you know what I'm saying?

Bert Kreischer 18:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:46 Like, sketchy boys join gangs. Sketchy boys rob cars and kill people drunk driving and set fires to warehouses. That's what sketchy boys do. Sketchy boys can get you locked up. Like, we did a lot of sketchy shit when I was 13 years old, and I remember thinking, like, "Wow, these guys have been doing this their whole life and they're 13."

Bert Kreischer 19:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:06 And meanwhile, I just sort of stumbled in. I just wanted to be someone's friend, you know? I'm like, "Fuck this, that." That's when I took up fishing.

Bert Kreischer 19:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:12 I really got into fishing, for real.

Bert Kreischer 19:14 That's awesome. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:14 I go, "I gotta get the fuck away from these kids. That one's crazy."

Bert Kreischer 19:17 I didn't have your, I didn't have your brain. I kinda just picked up with them every time.

Joe Rogan 19:21 Man, I did not feel protected when I was young, and it's one of the reasons why I value community today. When I was young, I felt, like, really disconnected. My parents split up, and then my mom moved in with my stepdad, and he's a great guy and everything like that, and we, but we moved around a lot, so I was never around kids that I knew for any long period of time, and I never felt like I was safe. Uh, 'cause I remember, like, kids would always start fights. Like boys, if you move in a new neighborhood, boys always wanna start fights, especially if girls think you're cute.

Bert Kreischer 19:50 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 19:50 If girls think you're cute, boys wanna fuck you up. I mean, and then when I was, uh, 13, I was like, "I just gotta get the fuck away from these kids," and I found this lake that was, uh, near me and I really got into fishing. (coughs) It was called, uh, Jamaica Pond. And Jamaica Pla- ... And they would stock it with trout and there was bass in there, all kinds of fish, man. You could fish there all the... And I met this whole community of people who fished there, mostly, like, older folks that would fish there, and, uh, but you'd learn about fishing. And so I fished, like, all the time, man. All the time.

Bert Kreischer 20:19 That's, you know, that speaks a lot to who you are 'cause I, that's not who I am. Like-

Joe Rogan 20:25 You just dove in?

Bert Kreischer 20:25 ... when bass ... I remember, I remember being, like, totally anti-pot and then my buddy came and was like, "You wanna get high?" And I was like, "Okay, I'm in."

Joe Rogan 20:31 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 20:31 And we got high on a, on Sal's dock.

Joe Rogan 20:33 Well, I had friends like that too. There was a fr- a friend named Vic Dabrowski. I'll never forget. He was the most criminal out of all of our friends-

Bert Kreischer 20:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:40 ... and he was selling weed when we were 13. (laughs) Dude was selling weed at 13, like, you would just call him. He had the weed and he was just like a dude that, like, had seen some shit. Like even 13, he wasn't mean or anything like that. He was a nice guy, but like, he'd just come over like, "What's up, man? Everything cool? You guys cool?" "Yeah." Like he had-

Bert Kreischer 20:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:59 He had seen some shit.

Bert Kreischer 21:00 I wish I had that fucking confidence.

Joe Rogan 21:02 No, no.

Bert Kreischer 21:02 I never been that guy that's been cool at a party, like-

Joe Rogan 21:05 You're better off. You're better off. That guy just i- doesn't, he's just not as aware. Th- uh, no one should be confident. You're, you're a, a jelly bag made out of, of fucking human skin covering these brittle bones, and there's no roof over your head. You're, you're in, on a planet and there's no, there's no roof to the planet, so it's just exposed to the universe. And it's a shooting gallery of asteroids out there, and the only thing that protects us is the thin layer of gas above our heads.

Bert Kreischer 21:32 (groans)

Joe Rogan 21:32 You shouldn't be confident. You sh- (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 21:36 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 21:36 You should, (laughs) you should, (laughs) like, you should be exactly how you are.

Bert Kreischer 21:38 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:38 You should be exactly how you are. You just need better methods of coping than alcohol. But the way you are is a good way to be. It's not... That confident thing is not good.

Bert Kreischer 21:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:47 It's, it's good if you have specific goals, like if you wanna be a fighter, (clicks tongue) you kinda have to be confident. But then, like, do you know who Rashad Evans is?

Bert Kreischer 21:56 (smacks lips) Of course.

Joe Rogan 21:56 Yeah, former light heavyweight champion, awesome guy. He's a totally different human now. It's crazy. I had him on my podcast, and now that he's retired, like one, when he was a fighter, like, you have to kinda be mean. You have to kinda be a specific-

Bert Kreischer 22:10 He used to bark like a dog.

Joe Rogan 22:11 ... kind of person. He was a beach dude. Well now I think you're thinking of Rampage, you racist.

Bert Kreischer 22:14 No wait. Oh, I know who-

Joe Rogan 22:15 Son of a bitch.

Bert Kreischer 22:15 ... is Rashad Evans. I know, yeah, yeah, I was thinking of Rampage.

Joe Rogan 22:17 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 22:17 You're right, you're right, you're definitely right. I'm so sorry. Listen, I'm racist, I'm so sorry guys. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:21 No, no, they did not. They just had a great fight, that's why.

Bert Kreischer 22:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:23 Th- uh, those two were connected because they were both coaches of The Ultimate Fighter in the peak of its popularity.

Bert Kreischer 22:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:27 And it was one of the most heated exchanges ever, is them standing, like, an inch away from each other saying, "Call me a bitch," and R- Rashad was like, "You a bitch."

Bert Kreischer 22:35 I remember that.

Joe Rogan 22:35 And they were going back and forth to each other. I'm like, "Oh my God, these guys are gonna throw down on TV." It was very, very tense. And Rashad won that fight, but I'm like, he, you kinda have to be confident to be that guy back then, you know?

Bert Kreischer 22:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:49 To be a light heavyweight champion, to be a guy who knocks out Chuck Liddell with one punch, you have to be that. But once you're not doing that anymore, (laughs) look at Rashad.

Bert Kreischer 22:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:56 Now Rashad's like this real spiritual guy. He's a vegan, he d- he does psychedelics, and he's really intelligent, like rea- rea- it was, uh, a pleasure to sit down and talk to him because you realize, you see the metamorphosis, the, the evolution and maturity as a man. He's like a different person now. He's abandoned his old, his own skin, his old skin I should say, and become a new person. Like a very different new person, like a really peaceful, really friendly, really nice guy. He was always a great guy, but he's, like, more at ease now, you know?

Bert Kreischer 23:26 I think that's what, when you said, when you were talking about me, uh, backed into a persona of booze and whatnot.

Joe Rogan 23:32 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 23:33 I don't know if it's, uh, is that as much, but, like, I'm, I'm, I had a conversation with Ali Wong, and she said, uh, "You tour a lot." And I said, "Yeah." I was, in my head I'm ju- I, it's this weird thing about, like, I gotta, I gotta work. Like that was-

Joe Rogan 23:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 23:45 When the special came out, that was so un-un- unearthing to not do any press, to do no pr- it, uh, I woke up Saint Patty's Day. Dude, you know I had that huge Saint Patty's Day thing planned at the store.

Joe Rogan 23:57 Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 23:57 Calling in sick to work show. I had all this press, like all these marketing ideas, and then it, it just was like, "Hey, the world is stopping." And it took a couple days of like depression of just like going like, "Man, what am I gonna do about the special? I gotta promote it, I gotta get out there." And then I think it was perspective where I was walking to the garage one night and I was just, you know, angst, I go, "I should make a video to let everyone know my special's on Netflix." I, you know, in my head? And then I went, "Hold on, man. There's a lot going on in this world, and my special being watched is not the most important thing."

Joe Rogan 24:28 Also, I don't think you have to do much.I mean, I think having a few conversations like this-

Bert Kreischer 24:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:33 ... people are looking for shit to do right now.

Bert Kreischer 24:35 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:35 They're throttling down the internet. That's what they're really worried about. They're worried about the infrastructure. They're, they're really worried about the power grid. They're really worried about internet. Like, they've already started to throttle internet because so many people are simultaneously streaming. You gotta think of how many people are home right now, and how many people when you leave them home just watch Netflix. (laughs) It's fucking-

Bert Kreischer 24:54 Dude, me. Me.

Joe Rogan 24:55 ... staggering.

Bert Kreischer 24:56 We watched, I watched this special with my girl, my daughters last night.

Joe Rogan 24:59 Just imagine.

Bert Kreischer 25:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:00 Oh, oh, no. They saw your bits?

Bert Kreischer 25:03 They saw, I, I kinda-

Joe Rogan 25:03 Did they not know the bits before?

Bert Kreischer 25:05 They didn't know any of them.

Joe Rogan 25:06 (gasps) I don't wanna say anything, but the one about her having her period?

Bert Kreischer 25:10 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She-

Joe Rogan 25:11 How rough was that?

Bert Kreischer 25:13 She was like, uh, "Poor girl blew out her pussy." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:18 (laughs) Oh, dad, dad, dad.

Bert Kreischer 25:21 (screams)

Joe Rogan 25:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 25:21 What the ... Dad.

Joe Rogan 25:22 (screams)

Bert Kreischer 25:23 The, the one they reacted to, yeah, they, they had, uh, me put my dick on Leanne's shoulder. There was a lot of them that they were, uh, they were touch and go. But we wa- we just watched it, like, quickly, flipped through it, and then, um, and then watched Big Cats.

Joe Rogan 25:37 Big Cats?

Bert Kreischer 25:37 Or Cat King.

Jamie Vernon 25:38 Tiger King.

Joe Rogan 25:39 Tiger King? What is that?

Bert Kreischer 25:40 Holy fuck, Joe.

Joe Rogan 25:41 What is it?

Bert Kreischer 25:42 This is-

Jamie Vernon 25:42 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 25:42 ... talk about faux confidence. It's a s- it's on Netflix, and it might be the most amazing show I've ever seen. It's about people who own big cats, like tigers and-

Joe Rogan 25:54 Oh, wow.

Bert Kreischer 25:54 But the whole thing is about-

Joe Rogan 25:55 Oh, Jesus.

Bert Kreischer 25:55 ... about petting cubs. Cub petting.

Joe Rogan 25:58 You gotta pet them when they're real young and then they stay cool with you?

Bert Kreischer 26:01 Well, no, no, no, no. So these guys make a living off cub petting. So they bring the cubs around, everyone wants a cub.

Joe Rogan 26:05 Oh, wow.

Bert Kreischer 26:06 And then what happens is the cubs grow up and then they end up with big fucking cats.

Joe Rogan 26:10 Right.

Bert Kreischer 26:10 And it is... I won't talk to you about it. I'll let you watch it and enjoy it with someone who's... Like, once you've seen it, there's no reason for me to tell you about it.

Joe Rogan 26:17 Here's the thing, man.

Bert Kreischer 26:17 It's fucking amazing.

Joe Rogan 26:19 E- even if you treat your cat really, really well, you got him in a cage. That c- a cat does not wanna be in a fucking cage.

Bert Kreischer 26:25 No shit.

Joe Rogan 26:26 They don't wanna be in a cage.

Bert Kreischer 26:27 We got a code red. Someone ripped off Brenda's arm. It is-

Joe Rogan 26:30 Someone ripped off someone's arm?

Bert Kreischer 26:31 Joe, you gotta watch it.

Joe Rogan 26:32 Bro.

Bert Kreischer 26:33 It is-

Jamie Vernon 26:33 There's 187 cats on this, uh, Oklahoma property.

Joe Rogan 26:37 Oh, my god.

Bert Kreischer 26:37 100-

Jamie Vernon 26:38 50 acres or something, like like maybe a mile long.

Joe Rogan 26:39 Oh, my god.

Bert Kreischer 26:40 Dude, it is-

Joe Rogan 26:41 Oh, my god.

Bert Kreischer 26:42 I, I'm, I'm gonna save it-

Jamie Vernon 26:43 Bust tips.

Bert Kreischer 26:43 ... for when you watch it and then you can-

Joe Rogan 26:45 Somebody ripped someone's arm off? Okay.

Bert Kreischer 26:47 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 26:48 (sighs) That's what happens?

Bert Kreischer 26:48 She went back to work seven days later.

Joe Rogan 26:50 Oh, my god. With no arm?

Bert Kreischer 26:52 Savage. With no fucking arm.

Joe Rogan 26:53 So she, now she has a stump?

Bert Kreischer 26:54 Little stump.

Joe Rogan 26:55 Oh, my god. That's so crazy.

Bert Kreischer 26:56 Still working with big cats.

Joe Rogan 26:59 That is so crazy. Can you imagine if they just started eating part of you and you're like, "Oh, I still got another leg. I got this part of my foot."

Jamie Vernon 27:06 The one guy found a job off Craigslist. He's like, "I never seen anything like this. Fuck it. Let's do it."

Bert Kreischer 27:10 (laughs) That's so fucking crazy.

Joe Rogan 27:12 If you had a job like that, people are gonna sign up. Like, no matter what it is.

Bert Kreischer 27:16 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:16 If you had a job to go out and castrate wolves, there's gonna be guys that are like, "Yeah, I think I can do it."

Bert Kreischer 27:21 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 27:21 Oh, oh, by the way, we haven't even gotten to the fucking cr- this is, now it's not even the crazy part. When you get into these guys' lifestyles, this guy married one... First of all, he's gay. Doesn't look gay. Married one dude, and then they brought in another dude. They have a throuple. That's not... The crazy one, the crazy one's the guy that lives in South Carolina that's got fucking nine wives who he grooms. Joe, this is one... Like-

Joe Rogan 27:41 Really?

Bert Kreischer 27:42 Look, everyone, my special Hey Big Boy is on Netflix, but-

Joe Rogan 27:44 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 27:44 ... fucking watch this show first.

Joe Rogan 27:47 Wow. That's strong praise.

Bert Kreischer 27:48 It is.

Joe Rogan 27:49 Tiger King. I'm writing that down.

Bert Kreischer 27:50 Y-

Joe Rogan 27:50 I'm putting it on my phone.

Bert Kreischer 27:52 Me and the girls, uh, me and the girls watched Hey Big Boy, and we fucking... It was funny. We giggled. We talked through whatever. At the, at the end credits I put, like, all the stuff that's from the... I put Isla's period party cake. I put the, um, I put, in the credits, I put, like, her test, my dad howling like an owl. And, uh, and then Big Cats comes on. Or Big King? What's it called?

Joe Rogan 28:12 Tiger King.

Bert Kreischer 28:13 Tiger King.

Joe Rogan 28:13 That it?

Jamie Vernon 28:14 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 28:14 And within 15 seconds, George and Isla are like, "All right, everyone's up. We, we found our show." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:22 It's that good.

Bert Kreischer 28:23 And it's fucking good.

Joe Rogan 28:24 God.

Bert Kreischer 28:24 It's good.

Joe Rogan 28:24 There's something about people and giant, crazy animals, people that wanna keep those animals as pets. Like, there's, uh, there's this Russian dude, I think, who has a polar bear, and he swims with the polar bear.

Bert Kreischer 28:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:36 Have you ever seen it?

Bert Kreischer 28:37 No, no, no, no.

Joe Rogan 28:38 He's in a swimming pool with a polar bear. He's, like, hanging out with the thing and cuddling with it. And I was like, "What in the fuck are you doing, man?"

Bert Kreischer 28:44 But, but you don't identify with that a little bit? 'Cause I do. I definitely do.

Joe Rogan 28:48 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 28:48 As a do- a dude with big dogs.

Joe Rogan 28:50 Well, I think it's cool, you know, to watch, 'cause it's not killing him. You know, it's like, look at it. It's hugging him, it's kissing him.

Bert Kreischer 28:57 (laughs) Until it decides not to.

Joe Rogan 28:59 Like ... Well, I think if you k- bears, I think, are a different animal, because if you keep bears really well fed, they don't... They're, they're not just predators. They're omnivores, right? So if you keep bears really well fed, they're probably pretty chill. And I wonder if bears are like people. Like, I think if you feed people only vegetables, I really believe this, they probably get less aggressive. 'Cause I think your body probably doesn't think you need to be chasing things and killing things because you're not eating animal protein. So your body's like, "Oh, we can just relax and stroll and just pick berries and eat grasses and stuff." You know? And I think if you did the same thing to a bear, maybe if you just gave the bear, like, apple pies and blueberries and stuff.

Bert Kreischer 29:40 Oh. Look at that bear get out of a pool.

Jamie Vernon 29:42 Oh, it's great.

Joe Rogan 29:42 Yeah. Bro, he's so big.

Bert Kreischer 29:45 I would lo- I mean, like, here's ... The problem is I would love one.

Joe Rogan 29:49 Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to have one for a real good reason.

Jamie Vernon 29:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:52 'Cause there's a lot of people that shouldn't have fucking dogs, man. You've seen bad dogs, and people have bad dogs.

Bert Kreischer 29:58 I ... There's a lot of people that shouldn't have dogs.

Joe Rogan 29:59 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 29:59 Especially in LA.

Joe Rogan 30:01 Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that, like, don't ... they don't train their dogs well, and their dogs are, like, really aggressive, and they, they jump up on people. And, you know, imagine if it was a bear that did that. (coughs) Just the responsibility. Look at the length of its neck. It's so crazy. They have such long necks. But the ... Just what it is, it's, it's ... You know, the, the animal that it is, it seems ridiculous that you should be able to have that in your backyard. Like, that's a polar bear.

Bert Kreischer 30:28 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:28 I gotta know where that guy lives. Where is that g- does it say?

Bert Kreischer 30:30 Oh, it's gotta be Ohio.... Oklahoma.

Joe Rogan 30:32 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 30:33 One of those cities. Ohio seems like a-

Joe Rogan 30:35 Do you remember the one guy who, uh, shot himself and let all the animals out?

Bert Kreischer 30:37 Yeah, they talk about that on the fucking thing.

Joe Rogan 30:39 Oh, yeah.

Jamie Vernon 30:39 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 30:39 That's part of the reason that it's illegal to have, uh, fucking big cats in Ohio.

Joe Rogan 30:43 'Cause of that guy, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:43 I live in Ohio and raised ... I would ... I like those Savannah cats. Kind ... Uh, Anthony Cumia has.

Joe Rogan 30:49 Oh.

Bert Kreischer 30:50 He has-

Joe Rogan 30:50 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 30:50 Maybe he has Bengals.

Joe Rogan 30:51 Yeah, servals?

Bert Kreischer 30:52 S- yeah, I like those.

Joe Rogan 30:53 Is that ... Uh, isn't that what they're called? Serval cats?

Jamie Vernon 30:55 Serval cat, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:56 Yeah. Those are, uh, apparently never really tame. They're never really tame.

Bert Kreischer 31:01 Are dogs though?

Joe Rogan 31:01 Well, there's ... I think maybe it was Jon Jones. I think Jon Jones has a couple of them, but he was feeding them like, uh ... It was either Jon Jones or someone else who had them. W- I know Jon has some big cats. I don't know if-

Bert Kreischer 31:12 I bet he does. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:13 Yeah. He's a wild man.

Bert Kreischer 31:14 I want to party with that guy.

Joe Rogan 31:15 Is ... No, you don't.

Bert Kreischer 31:15 Yes, I do. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:16 You think you do. (laughs) You'll out-party him, bro.

Bert Kreischer 31:19 Uh.

Joe Rogan 31:19 You don't want peace... Jon Jones goes to the Dark Lands. There ... Okay, there it is.

Bert Kreischer 31:22 That's my, that's my new TV show.

Joe Rogan 31:23 This is cap.

Bert Kreischer 31:24 It's ... Can you out-party me? I just go party with Jon Jones-

Joe Rogan 31:26 Bro.

Bert Kreischer 31:26 ... John Daley.

Joe Rogan 31:27 You, you, you t- he'd have one episode and you, you'd call me up, be like, "I quit. I quit my show. I called Netflix."

Bert Kreischer 31:32 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:32 "I can't do this anymore." Um, but yeah. So, he was feeding it chicken bones. Um, I'm not sure if it was Jon or someone else, but it's crazy 'cause the cat starts making these crazy noises like ... Like, while he's, like, giving it ... Whoever the guy was that was giving him the chicken bones. While he's giving this cat these bones, the cat is getting really angry. Like, real ... Like, scary, like he might just j- jump on you and bite you, like primal shit.

Bert Kreischer 31:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:56 They're not a regular cat, dude. Like, if you give a regular cat a chicken bone, they'll be pumped, but they're not gonna go ... (growling)

Bert Kreischer 32:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:05 C- crazy cat noises, this thing was making. I was like, "What in the ..." See if you can find serval cat, uh, growling while eating.

Jamie Vernon 32:13 There's a ... One on the ... It's like viral on TikTok that-

Joe Rogan 32:15 Oh, okay.

Jamie Vernon 32:16 ... someone posts all the time. They feed it every day and it's ...

Bert Kreischer 32:19 I've seen, I've seen our cat catch rats.

Joe Rogan 32:22 Oh, wow.

Bert Kreischer 32:22 And it's usually ... I mean, I put it on Instagram a bunch, but it'll catch rats, bring them into the house and then let the rat go, which is exactly what I want this cat for. And you ... To watch it h- hunt a rat is fucking fascinating.

Joe Rogan 32:33 It is. It's built in.

Bert Kreischer 32:35 Bri- it's like you can't get that out of that cat's brain ever.

Joe Rogan 32:39 No. Built in.

Bert Kreischer 32:41 I-

Joe Rogan 32:41 It's built into the system. Yeah, that's ... That comes no matter what the cat's life is like. If you could have a little ba- ... I had a ragdoll cat and she was this fluffy little ball of fur and just, just flopped her back and get pet all the time. And she was ... That's all she was interested in until she saw a bird and then it was locked in.

Bert Kreischer 33:04 Oh.

Joe Rogan 33:04 Locked in and she'd make these noises with her mouth.

Bert Kreischer 33:05 Noises, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:07 I have a, a bit about it in my act.

Bert Kreischer 33:09 Oh, wait. I think I saw you touch on that bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my last special.

Bert Kreischer 33:12 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:12 I had a whole bit about vegan cats.

Bert Kreischer 33:14 Yes.

Joe Rogan 33:14 Because some lady was mean to me and I went to her page and I looked up #vegancat. I was like, "Holy fuck."

Bert Kreischer 33:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:20 "This is a thing?" And then I started going down this rabbit hole of, of people with animals and cats in particular and how ... Cats are the ... They are the strangest animal that we keep as pets and I have two of them. I love cats. They're sweet. My daught- my oldest daughter has them now (clears throat) 'cause my, uh, middle daughter is, uh, allergic. But when I'm around them, I love them, I love them. But you gotta do weird shit with them. First of all, you gotta castrate the males. You gotta fix them all. Like, my dog Marshall, he's not fixed. He's fine. There's nothing wrong with him. He's not gonna get laid. He's around me all the time.

Bert Kreischer 33:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:51 And it, it does fuck with their energy and it's irresponsible to have dogs with testicles and just have them have a bunch of babies, unwanted babies. You're right. Absolutely. But the idea that that's the only way it has to be, that he just ha- the, the dog has to either be fixed or you, uh, you're irresponsible and the dog's gonna fuck a lot and make babies. No. You can be a responsible dog owner and the dog is not fixed and the dog has more energy. Like, police dogs, none of them are fixed. It's for a reason.

Bert Kreischer 34:16 There's-

Joe Rogan 34:16 'Cause when they ... They're fixed, they stop producing testosterone.

Bert Kreischer 34:18 There's a lot of problems with ... We, uh, we got our dog, uh, Priscilla f- uh, fixed.

Joe Rogan 34:24 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 34:24 At a young age. She's a bull mastiff. And we found out later that when you get a dog fixed, a bull mastiff fixed too young ... Heads up to any bull mastiff owners ... it can fuck with their joints.

Joe Rogan 34:34 Yeah. They, they have to reach-

Bert Kreischer 34:34 Because their body's not done growing.

Joe Rogan 34:35 ... physical maturity.

Bert Kreischer 34:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:36 They have to reach physical maturity. Yeah. Your, your body needs the, the hormones that it was born with. I mean, this is the whole idea behind, uh, you know, like being a young, healthy dog and then if you trim the dog's balls, you're changing what the dog is. And you can do that ... My point was, you can do that with dogs or you can not do that with dogs. Like, you can have dogs that have their testicles, but with cats, you have to do it. If you have a male cat, they're all fixed or they will piss all over your fucking house.

Bert Kreischer 35:07 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:07 Dude, it's nasty. I had a male cat that was a feral cat that I raised and I had to corral him in the bathroom in order to, uh, trap him and bring him to the veterinarian to fix him. And while I was corralling him, he pissed on the wall. He lifted up his tail and pissed all over the walls. Like, "Dude, what the fuck?" And I had to ... I threw a, a towel or a bathrobe or something over him and I scooped him up and I fought with this cat.

Bert Kreischer 35:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:31 Fought with him and stuffed him into a laundry basket and took him to get fixed. You have to get them fixed, man.

Bert Kreischer 35:38 Fighting a cat is fucking ... When you sh- it shows you just how weak you are.

Joe Rogan 35:41 He's so little too. He wasn't a big cat and at the time, he wasn't even a year old, you know? 'Cause I was getting him fixed so I think you get them fixed like seven, eight, nine months, something like that. But he was ready (laughs) to fuck me up, man.

Bert Kreischer 35:51 Dude.

Joe Rogan 35:51 It was hard. I ... So I had to corral him, get him into this fucking, uh, laundry basket, bring him to Dr. Craig-

Bert Kreischer 35:58 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:58 ... who was my veterinarian in Encino before he passed. Rest in peace, he was a great guy. And then, um, when I was, um, uh, bringing him to him (laughs) I'm like, "He's in there. Are you guys gonna be able to get him out? Do you want me to stay?" And they're like, "No, I think we, we're gonna be able to handle it." And then afterwards, uh, I, uh, came by to pick up the cat and he was like, "What the fuck?"

Bert Kreischer 36:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:16 I go, "Yeah, dude."

Bert Kreischer 36:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:16 "It's a feral cat."

Bert Kreischer 36:18 You'll only say yes to r- getting ... Some kid one time was like, "Hey, can you help me get a cat, my cat out of the tree?" And I was like, "Yeah, sure." One time.

Joe Rogan 36:25 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 36:25 And then you fight a cat in a tree and you're like-

Joe Rogan 36:27 Oh, yeah.

Bert Kreischer 36:27 ... "Fuck this."

Joe Rogan 36:28 You can't do that. Cats in a tree, man ... First of all, without a ladder, you might fall.

Bert Kreischer 36:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:33 You know, and even with a ladder, you might fall. They might jump on you and bite you and you might freak out and spaz. Like, a cat is freaked out for its life up in a tree and it doesn't know how to get down. You know, they might, they might fucking ... They might cut you.

Bert Kreischer 36:43 Dude, and they ... Once they hook onto you, they hook onto you.

Joe Rogan 36:47 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 36:47 And they just start fucking trying to gut you.

Joe Rogan 36:49 Yeah. My cat that was feral, he was a, he was a trip. I would never have a feral cat again, but I had a, like a crazy connection with him, 'cause he was, um, (smacks lips) you know, he was a, like a legit wild cat. Like, when I first got him, I had to lock myself in a bedroom and, uh, hang out with him for a few days. Just, just read books and had a litter box and brought food in there. So, just me and him hanging out together be- ... He was really little.

Bert Kreischer 37:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:11 But when I would pet him, he would be fine. He would purr, like, really loud and he would be fine. But as soon as I put him down, he'd hiss at me and run away and try to climb up the, the, the, the, uh, curtains. He went crazy. So, I had a spare bedroom in this house I was living in in Encino, and I just set the bedroom up. I set it up for just me and the cat. I'm like, "All right, dude. We're gonna get to know each other." These are the kind of shit y- things you do when you're 27. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 37:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:34 You know? (laughs) He don't, he don't have a girlfriend. You're like, "I'm just gonna fucking live with this cat for a while. Just me and this cat are gonna hang out." So, I just read books for two days, locked in this, uh, bedroom with this fucking wild cat and he would calm down for a little bit, let me purr ... Let me pet him and then he would purr and I'd let him go and he'd hiss at me and run away. This went on for two fucking days. And then finally, by the end of two days, he was pretty chill. By the end of two days, he's like, "This guy just seems to pet me and give me food."

Bert Kreischer 37:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:59 You know? So, I could always come up to him and pet him. I could always ... But no one else could. No one. None of my friends. No one could come over and pet that cat, just me. I was the only one he had an agreement with. He was super cool with other cats. Like, when I brought other cats in, um, I ... Like, I kept ... I stayed with him for two days, then I introduced him to my other cat, Spaz. Spaz was the fluff dog cat. And then they got along instantly.

Bert Kreischer 38:20 Really?

Joe Rogan 38:20 Like, they were like ... Yeah, he was like, "Oh, cats. I can trust cats." And she's like, "I don't know any other cats." And they just all got, all got together.

Bert Kreischer 38:26 (laughs) "I never met another cat."

Joe Rogan 38:26 It was fucking great. (laughs) You know?

Bert Kreischer 38:28 It was like, uh, Trains, Planes and Automobiles, one stock candy.

Joe Rogan 38:31 Yeah. (laughs) I had this other cat that I had from the time when I was, like, 25 and that cat was a cunt.

Bert Kreischer 38:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:36 And she, she didn't like anybody but me. She just was a cunty cat. Always was a cunty cat. She, uh, she was just a weird cat. Some cats are just weird, man. You know? And then my other cat, the fluff ball cat, she fucking loved everybody. Everybody that came over, she'd rub on your leg and you'd pet her and she'd purr. Everybody loved her. You could scoop her up and just start rubbing her belly and she would purr.

Bert Kreischer 38:57 Ah.

Joe Rogan 38:57 Like, anybody could, anybody could pick her up. But, uh, cats, th- they are their own little thing. Every one of them's got their own little personality. Like, Joey Diaz, you talk to him about his cats.

Bert Kreischer 39:08 Oh.

Joe Rogan 39:08 At one point in time, I don't know how many he has now, but he had 11 cats. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 39:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:13 In like, a two bedroom apartment. And I was like, "That is so insane." And they all had personalities, man. They all ... Some of them, like he, he was the only one they could touch and other ones, you know, have their ... Real friendly with everybody. Cats are, uh, they're a trip, but you have to fix them. That was my point. As with dogs, you can have a dog that has balls and they're great, like my dog, Marshall. He's great. Like, he's not aggressive at all and he's three.

Bert Kreischer 39:36 He's, uh, he seems like a fucking cool dog.

Joe Rogan 39:37 He's the sweetest. He's the sweetest. But you can't do that with cats. (laughs) You have to fix all of them.

Bert Kreischer 39:44 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 39:44 They'll piss all over your house. If you, like, have you ever seen a, a male cat that hasn't been fixed that lives, like, on a farm?

Bert Kreischer 39:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:52 Bro, they don't even look the same. They have these big heads. They have big pit bull heads.

Bert Kreischer 39:58 Really?

Joe Rogan 39:58 Yes. Yes. Alley cats that are, that are not fixed, or barnyard cats, they're famous for being, like, vicious, vicious animals. They're different. They look different. They have their balls. They're thick.

Bert Kreischer 40:12 Really?

Joe Rogan 40:12 They have muscles. Yeah, they, they have thick heads.

Bert Kreischer 40:15 I guess I've only seen female cats and kittens-

Joe Rogan 40:18 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 40:18 ... when I think about it. Like, my wife, my wife lived on a g- ... Her grandmother has a bar- ... Like, a big farm. And there's always cats there, but I b- ... I think I've only seen the females and the kittens.

Joe Rogan 40:27 Yeah. You sh- ... You've probably seen females, kittens and fixed males.

Bert Kreischer 40:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:30 You never see castrated males. They, they, they're different. They don't pee everywhere and they're more chill. Dude, if you see a fucking barnyard cat with, with his balls, like, those are sketchy animals.

Bert Kreischer 40:41 D- I'm ... I don't think I have ... I remember the ... Back in the day when you'd be like, "Oh, the cat sprayed in my car." Like, that was ... That doesn't happen anymore, but back in Florida, you just leave your windows down. Cat sprayed my car one time and I was like, "Fuck."

Joe Rogan 40:52 Dude.

Bert Kreischer 40:53 "Smells like shit." What- How-

Joe Rogan 40:54 Cats spray everywhere. They spray in your house. I would like ... I would open up my gym bag. My cat had pissed in my gym bag.

Bert Kreischer 40:59 Oh, we had dogs that pissed all over shit. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:02 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:02 I remember one time I was in the car with my gi- ... My girlfriend in college and, uh, we had a dog, Thelma, that pissed all over everything. I was at my little sister's in the back and this girl leans forward and there's, like, a brown stain on her back. I go, "Hey, what's on the back of your shirt?" (laughs) She goes, "Oh, I must've spilled, uh, soda on my shirt." And my little sister's 10 at the time. She goes, "You drink soda over your shoulder?" She was like, "Huh?"

Joe Rogan 41:23 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:23 And my little sister goes, "I think our dog pissed on your shirt." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:27 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:27 And the girl's like, "No, no, that's not." And Connie's like, "No, no, I'm pretty sure I smelled it." You're like, "Yeah, she pissed on her fucking shirt."

Joe Rogan 41:32 Wow. Dogs will piss in your bed if they're mad at you. Cats will piss in your bed if they're mad at you.

Bert Kreischer 41:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:36 They'll piss on, uh, like ... They'll piss on your pillow. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:40 Oh, fuck that.

Joe Rogan 41:41 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 41:41 I've never been a c- ... I was never a cat person, I was always a dog person. Dog and, and reptiles. I was into reptiles for a long time.

Joe Rogan 41:47 Yeah, I've, I've, I'm fascinated by animals. I love animals. Uh, but for companions, it's, it's hard to beat a dog.

Bert Kreischer 41:54 So, if you could go through with all the dogs you ever owned, right?

Joe Rogan 41:57 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 41:57 Reboot one genetically and get that exact same dog back today. Can't do Marshall, 'cause Marshall's already here.

Joe Rogan 42:05 I had a d- ... A Mastiff named Johnny Cash. He was a-

Bert Kreischer 42:07 I met Johnny Cash.

Joe Rogan 42:08 Yeah, he's the sweetest dog ever.

Bert Kreischer 42:09 The first time I met you.

Joe Rogan 42:10 He's the sweetest dog ever. I loved him. He was a sweetheart. He just ... It was as real sad watching him age, because, uh, at the end, uh, he couldn't walk and I used to have to pick him up and bring him in the house to eat (clears throat) , and then I would carry him outside g- again, see if he had to go to the bathroom, but he was, uh ... At a certain point in his life, he, he had really could only lie down. That's all he could do.

Bert Kreischer 42:33 How old did he get?

Joe Rogan 42:35 13, which is very, very old for a Mastiff.

Bert Kreischer 42:37 He was very old.

Joe Rogan 42:38 It was very old for a Mastiff. But it was really sad seeing him, seeing him, uh, slip away. It was rough.... you know?

Bert Kreischer 42:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:46 It's, uh, it's, they're... It's such a short amount of time.

Bert Kreischer 42:50 It really is.

Joe Rogan 42:51 13 years.

Bert Kreischer 42:51 Priscilla's nine right now and, uh, I mean, it feels like yesterday that we got her. We got a new puppy to kinda keep her young.

Joe Rogan 43:00 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 43:00 This puppy's a cunt.

Joe Rogan 43:01 Oh, really? Oh, no. (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 43:02 Just d- so much energy. I was going down on the, uh, LeAnn the other day and the puppy just jumps on the bed. "Are we fucking this bitch?"

Joe Rogan 43:09 Whoa. Wow.

Bert Kreischer 43:09 Just starts licking her face. I'm like-

Joe Rogan 43:10 How rude.

Bert Kreischer 43:10 ... "God damn it." Fucking-

Joe Rogan 43:11 What a rude dog. Doesn't understand its place.

Bert Kreischer 43:14 D- you can't work out in front of this dog. He's like, "Oh, we're doing jumping jacks, huh?"

Joe Rogan 43:17 Oh, really?

Bert Kreischer 43:17 Yeah. I had a joke-

Joe Rogan 43:18 Well, it's a baby, right?

Bert Kreischer 43:18 I had a joke that, in the old set, that'll probably be retired now that we're... We're not doing stand-up for eight weeks. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:24 At least eight weeks, man. When... I mean, how long is it gonna be?

Bert Kreischer 43:26 Can you believe that?

Joe Rogan 43:27 It's probably gonna be several months before, uh-

Bert Kreischer 43:30 June?

Joe Rogan 43:31 ... (sighs) Easily. Could be longer. It could be... You know, maybe they find medication that, even though there's not a vaccine, there's some hope for a few different kinds of medication. One of them is a malaria drug. I don't... I- I can't pronounce the name off the top of my head. And there's another one that shows promise as well. (smacks lips) And they think that it might be possible that people could catch this, then you'd give them the medication, it would wipe it out. Um, there's also... There was some speculation about Tamiflu, but I don't think there's any conclusive evidence that shows that Tamiflu helps it. But there is some... These anti-malarial medications, I think, that they think has promise. But what concerns me is that it seems to be so different with different people. That's what's weird about this.

Bert Kreischer 44:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:17 It makes it... It's like what's scary right now for everybody is the unknown. Like, we're in the unknown. Like, now, we've never been in this situation before as a culture where we're, we're on lockdown and the whole world is scared of a disease. Not, not in our lifetimes. I mean, not since, like, the Spanish flu. And back then, there wasn't as much transportation, there wasn't as much, uh, distribution of information, so people probably weren't as aware as we are now, you know, of all the various cases all around them all the time 'cause, you know, we're hearing about cases in Italy and, uh, fucking Australia, everywhere. We're hearing about cases all over the planet. I don't think that was the case back during the Spanish flu days. I think it was probably harder to understand what was happening, right? Because there... It wa-... You probably only got the newspaper or on the radio back then and everybody-

Bert Kreischer 45:03 Right.

Joe Rogan 45:03 ... had to huddle around at a certain time and those are the masters of information. Whatever they said, that was it. But now you get all sorts of conflicting information, even from doctors, man. I've read doctors that think it's nothing and then I've read doctors that were terrified. It's like, "Whoa, this is nuts." And then, you know, you look at... Uh, I don't know if you've been paying attention to what these senators did. Uh, there's, uh, some senators, they had a behind closed doors meeting about the coronavirus in China and what it could mean to the United States and, you know, the various impacts, and they went out and sold their stock.

Bert Kreischer 45:39 Immediately.

Joe Rogan 45:40 Dude. And then they... But, but at the same time, they were talking about how under control the government had it and how we're prepared and how it's gonna be fine. And meanwhile, they knew. They knew, so they had two faces. They had a public face that they were giving to us to try to keep us calm, and then they had a private face which realized that the stock market was gonna take a huge loss and so they sold everything and made immense profits based on the information that they found out from these closed door meetings about the coronavirus.

Bert Kreischer 46:09 How are they supposed to ha-

Joe Rogan 46:10 How is that legal?

Bert Kreischer 46:11 How are they supposed to handle, though, out of, like... Legally, what are they supposed to do?

Joe Rogan 46:14 (sighs) Well, I-

Bert Kreischer 46:14 'Cause that makes it confusing.

Joe Rogan 46:15 I don't know what constitutes insider trading. How does that work? Do you understand how that works? Like, if you have-

Bert Kreischer 46:22 I do not.

Joe Rogan 46:22 ... information that can allow you to make money, well, isn't that, like, what everyone's trying to do? Like, if you... Like, what is the point of playing the stock market if you don't know things? And if you do know things, if you know more because you know the guy who's the president and he tells you something about something they're gonna do and you're not supposed to trade then-

Bert Kreischer 46:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:36 ... because of that information? Like, all right. Okay. I... You know, I'm sure there's a logic to it. I'm a moron. Don't run it by me. But if that's in- insider trading, well, what is it with the senators do? If they knew that the coronavirus was gonna wreck our economy, if they knew that it was coming down like a fucking storm of hail that no one could stop, if they knew, and then they bailed out and made immense profits, (sighs) that seems so shady.

Bert Kreischer 47:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:01 That seems so shady that they didn't advise people. Like, you're supposed to be a leader, right? If you're in a position of an elected representative, you're supposed to be acting in the position of a leader. And if your way to lead is tell people one thing but act in a completely different direction, tell people everything's gonna be fine, but then start selling your stock at a profit and you don't tell other people to do it because you're worried that maybe that information is gonna cause some ripple effect and it's gonna destroy the economy even before the coronavirus hits just out of panic and fear and people are gonna act wrong. But you acted in a different way than the way you were talking. You acted like this shit was gonna be real. You acted like this is gonna be a real problem. And then the question is, like, how much of a problem did they think it was gonna be? Maybe they dumped their stock, they thought it was gonna be a little problem. Would that be okay? Well, but if they found out it was gonna be a huge problem, then it's not. Well, that seems weird to me too. Like, I don't know what should the rules be with information in the stock market. The stock market is gross.

Bert Kreischer 48:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:00 Like, it's gr-... The whole thing's gross. Like, what are we basing our economy on, this fucking madness?

Bert Kreischer 48:06 This is... It's not, it's not the way that the 2000- 2009 breakdown was. 2008 when the stock market crashed-

Joe Rogan 48:11 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 48:11 ... it was based on literal numbers and, and investments.

Joe Rogan 48:14 This is real.

Bert Kreischer 48:15 This is based... No, no, I would actually say that one was more real than this one. This is a... The stock market's crashed in a way that you're going, like, it's based on... I, I mean, I, I know that it's, it's for commercial businesses, their loan's gonna come up and it's gonna be tough for them. But at some point you're like, "I wish you could just put it on freeze and go, 'Hey, let's come back in like two months and let's start where we were. Let's make sure everyone was fed.'" Like, that's...

Joe Rogan 48:41 (sighs)

Bert Kreischer 48:41 But-

Joe Rogan 48:41 But this is the mo- the ultimate real because if, if it's supposed to be about confidence and things rising and falling, this is like the ultimate expression of that. There's no confidence. You can't work.

Bert Kreischer 48:54 Yeah, you're right. You're right.

Joe Rogan 48:54 Of course it's gonna crash. If it doesn't crash here, then it's nonsense.

Bert Kreischer 48:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:58 Then what's the point? 'Cause there's times where everything's groovy. (slurping sound) And people are buying like crazy, (clears throat) manufacturing is up, everything's up, everybody's happy, com- con- consumer satisfaction's up. And people are buying like crazy and there's so many industries that are happening. And there's so many jobs and unemployment's the lowest rate it's ever been, ever, in the history of people. And then all of a sudden it's not anymore? Well, of course it's gotta crash. So it's gonna crash. This is the crash, this is the big one. This is the big one of our lifetime, maybe the biggest one ever, because this shit could go on for a long-ass time.

Bert Kreischer 49:30 This is scary too-

Joe Rogan 49:31 (clears throat)

Bert Kreischer 49:31 ... 'cause you think of all those people just, like, who are paycheck to paycheck, you know, with waiting tables or teaching a spin class or whatever it is. I... That's where my-

Joe Rogan 49:43 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 49:43 ... brain goes is like, "How come..." There's gotta be a way to fucking help people.

Joe Rogan 49:48 Hmm. Yeah, there does.

Bert Kreischer 49:50 I mean, that's I... I... That's all I do all day is spend, like... The other day I hit a McDonald's, I was like, "Say there's a way to buy a bunch of Happy Meals I could send to a neighborhood."

Joe Rogan 49:56 You could do that with certain restaurants. You could support restaurants. One of my favorite restaurants in Vegas, uh, Gaetano’s, is, uh, in Henderson. And, uh, they used to be in Calabasas. We used to go to them way back in the day. Uh, but they're, they're doing a lot of takeout and then they're also raising money for their employers, which is very nice.

Bert Kreischer 50:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:14 You know? And I think the store is doing something like that. We're all gonna donate for the wait staff, you know, 'cause the wait staff is completely shit out of luck and they were doing, you know, good business down there. And so those folks, I'm sure they have bills, like serious fucking bills. And it's just piling up and there's no business, you know? I mean, they went from having this great place where you can go and you can count on X amount of money per week to all of a sudden (snaps fingers) gone and no one saw it coming. That's never happened, ever.

Bert Kreischer 50:42 No.

Joe Rogan 50:42 You can't blame them for not being prepared, but, you know, they're part of our comedy family, man. We gotta, we gotta take care of them, particularly at the store. We should set up something for the improv too. And, uh, y- we should also, you know, just figure out a way to, uh, you know, to like find out who's hurting, like who's in trouble. Like especially in our community, like comics that we know that are-

Bert Kreischer 51:06 People are, people are too proud.

Joe Rogan 51:07 Well, there's... I know. But we'd have to find them though, because there's a lot of comics in our community that are like, they're going check to check too, you know? Middles, middle acts, you know?

Bert Kreischer 51:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:14 That-

Bert Kreischer 51:14 Headliners.

Joe Rogan 51:15 Yeah. There's a lot of headliners, right? Particularly first few year headliners with only making, you know, X amount of p- per week and, you know, you gotta f- pay your own flight and all that jazz. You're getting by but you're not killing it. And then you, you probably have a fucking apartment that costs two grand a month or more.

Bert Kreischer 51:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:30 You know? I mean, New York City, those guys, the fucking apartments in New York City are ridiculous. They're so expensive. So think of all those comics in New York City that relied on that system of going club to club and picking up a little... For people who don't know, a lot of comedians in New York, there's like... New York's probably the most condensed, uh, comedy club community in the country. Wouldn't you agree?

Bert Kreischer 51:52 By far.

Joe Rogan 51:53 Yeah. Like, how many clubs do you think are in the city?

Bert Kreischer 51:56 I'd say 12.

Joe Rogan 51:57 Yeah, good... Yeah, tw- tw- legit-

Bert Kreischer 51:57 Total, like all clubs? Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:59 Do y- are you counting Dangerfield's?

Bert Kreischer 52:00 (laughs) I was.

Joe Rogan 52:03 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 52:04 I never got to perform there. I've always wanted to perform there.

Joe Rogan 52:06 It's great. It's... And never got there. Fucking Joey did it. Joey was, uh, in New York (laughs) .

Bert Kreischer 52:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:10 Joey was in New... That was my spot when I lived in New York, man.

Bert Kreischer 52:13 It's amazing how like a comic can think in another comic's level, 'cause as soon as you said that my two clubs, I thought of Stand Up New York and Dangerfield's. I'm counting those.

Joe Rogan 52:21 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 52:21 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:22 You gotta count those. But Dangerfield's is the w- the weirdest one because, uh, that was the one where they filmed those HBO specials with Rodney Dangerfield.

Bert Kreischer 52:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:32 And it was always empty. It was always empty.

Bert Kreischer 52:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:35 There was never anybody there, man, except prom season. Prom season you'd be doing stand-up to like 17-year-old kids and it was madness. It was madness.

Bert Kreischer 52:44 Do you ever hear the story, Bill Burr's story about getting heckled at Dangerfield's?

Joe Rogan 52:48 No.

Bert Kreischer 52:48 It's my favorite. I've made Bill tell this a number of times, and I've made him tell it on our podcast. My favorite pod (laughs) story. Do you remember Bill when he was younger, right?

Joe Rogan 52:56 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 52:56 He was a little more cleaner, a little more like chippier.

Joe Rogan 52:58 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 52:58 "Hey guys. Huh? Huh?"

Joe Rogan 53:00 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:00 "What's up with those infomercials? I got the pan." (imitates pan banging)

Joe Rogan 53:03 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 53:04 So Bill's doing his, his high energy happy act and it's to a prom crowd, like prom crowd and a bunch of fucking Bridge and Tunnel Posse. And it's not getting anything, and the guy, and this guy in the back goes, "Anything red on stage is a faggot." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 53:19 (laughs) Oh, good Lord.

Bert Kreischer 53:23 And Bill goes, "I didn't have one pull out, I just went, 'Fuck'" God, man.

Joe Rogan 53:30 Yeah, that one you gotta be prepared for.

Bert Kreischer 53:32 But yeah, the... I- I think about, I think about it. Um, I- I- The number one thing this whole thing has done is made me think how much I waste shit. I waste so much shit, just-

Joe Rogan 53:42 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:42 ... food.

Joe Rogan 53:42 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 53:43 Fruit.

Joe Rogan 53:44 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:44 Like fruit... Bananas are going bad, just throw them out. No, no, no.

Joe Rogan 53:46 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 53:46 I've been eating them.

Joe Rogan 53:47 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 53:47 Like it's, it's waste and health, man. When I heard you tell that podcast, and I'm so glad to know that you were talking to me because I heard it as if you were talking to me.

Joe Rogan 53:56 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 53:56 I told Bryan Callen, I go, "You ever do a podcast and you think Joe's talking to you?" And he goes, "All the fucking time."

Joe Rogan 54:02 I'm never talking to you, Bryan Callen.

Bert Kreischer 54:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:04 Never.

Bert Kreischer 54:05 He said-

Joe Rogan 54:05 If I'm talking to Bryan Callen, I'll call him up.

Bert Kreischer 54:06 He said, no, he said, he goes, "One time Joe even said my name." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:14 (laughs) (claps) Oh, that's hilarious.

Bert Kreischer 54:15 So the one thing that made me feel vulnerable was, uh, was... And you've been saying this and I've always, like, kind of written you off about it going like, "Well, you know, whatever." He's like, "You gotta get off that blood pressure medicine."

Joe Rogan 54:24 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 54:25 The second I heard "China's got all her medication." I got one month of blood pre- I d- I literally thought, "Man, what am I doing on blood pressure? What am I doing on blood pressure medicine? Why don't I just get in shape and get healthy and get in control of my weight so I'm not dependent on a pill-

Joe Rogan 54:37 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 54:37 ... to come in, and then if I don't have it, I have a stroke?"

Joe Rogan 54:39 You can do it too, Bert. It's not outside of the realm of possibility when you consider how well you're doing while you're boozing as hard as you are.

Bert Kreischer 54:47 Yeah, I think-

Joe Rogan 54:47 You probably... And you always, like, fire up for Sober October. The first year I was worried. I was like, "Man, I don't know how he's gonna do." And some people were actually telling me like, "Hey, man, he could die." They're like-

Bert Kreischer 54:57 Oh.

Joe Rogan 54:57 ... when guys drink a lot and then they stop drinking, it's really bad. And apparently that's what killed Amy Winehouse. They e- ev- everyone kept telling me that. "That's what killed Amy Winehouse," you know? Did you know that, bro?

Bert Kreischer 55:06 Oh, fuck.

Joe Rogan 55:06 It's one thing when you, uh, host a podcast and you, you have a fucking thousand of them a-... people wanna tell you shit that you haven't heard before.

Bert Kreischer 55:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:14 So, one of the things that I-

Bert Kreischer 55:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:15 ... y- people love to tell you is about you could die, if you stop drinking, you could die.

Bert Kreischer 55:19 You told me that-

Joe Rogan 55:20 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:20 And you, you said to me- (laughs) ... right when we were leaving, you were like ... You gave me a hug and you go, "You don't have to do this, man."

Joe Rogan 55:25 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 55:25 And I'm like, "What the f- " I was like ... I was flipped out. But he-

Joe Rogan 55:28 I was worried, 'cause I was like, "Damn it. Imagine if this is how we kill Bert. Imagine if, like, trying to get Bert healthy, like, it turns out to kill him, Amy Winehouse style." Dude, I love Amy Winehouse.

Bert Kreischer 55:39 Oh, she was amazing.

Joe Rogan 55:39 And to this day, I will throw on an album and, and listen to, like, Rehab or some of her great songs. Like, she had a authenticity, there's like an authenticity to her voice, this unmistakable, like, looseness to her voice. She was wild.

Bert Kreischer 55:56 Her and Bjork, I used to love Bjork.

Joe Rogan 55:59 Yeah. Bjork is great too, man.

Bert Kreischer 56:01 Dude, she was.

Joe Rogan 56:01 They did it in a totally different way, like I had to, like, pause. Like, it's a totally different kind of sound, but yeah, but authentic.

Bert Kreischer 56:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:08 Yeah. Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 56:09 And so sexy, man. Like, Bjork was so hot.

Joe Rogan 56:11 Ooh.

Bert Kreischer 56:11 And just doing her own thing, like electronic music in this time when it wasn't selling here, but it was like ... You ever hear, you ever heard ... It was that song, uh, um, It's Oh So Quiet by Bjork?

Joe Rogan 56:23 No.

Bert Kreischer 56:23 << It's oh so quiet >> It's amazing.

Joe Rogan 56:27 Did you ever see Bjork fuck up that photographer at the airport?

Bert Kreischer 56:30 Yes. Yes. Yes. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 56:30 She got my respect there. This person thought they could just get right in her face with a camera just 'cause she's famous, like with no permits.

Bert Kreischer 56:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:39 This is not agreed upon. You just show up where a person's just at the airport and just take-

Bert Kreischer 56:43 With her kid. Bjork was with her kid.

Joe Rogan 56:44 Yeah. People-

Bert Kreischer 56:45 How do you deal with that?

Joe Rogan 56:47 I just ... I, most of the time, like, if someone wants to be interviewing me when I'm at the airport or somewhere where I'm not, you know, I, I'm not expecting it. It's just not smart. It's not ... That's not ... I do this. All right? The way you have conversations should be ... Your, your, your thoughts that are gonna get viewed by millions of people shouldn't be something that you say when you have your first cup of coffee and maybe you're half on an edible coming off the flight-

Bert Kreischer 57:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:15 ... and you're picking up your luggage and you didn't expect to run into TMZ. And they're like, "What do you think about the coronavirus?" And you're like, "Stop eating bats, you fucks." And you're like ... (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 57:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:25 You don't, you don't mean that. You don't mean that. That's not what you-

Bert Kreischer 57:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:28 But you were, you know, you're there at fucking LAX at 7:30 in the morning getting your bags.

Bert Kreischer 57:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:34 If that's ... That's the problem. It's, it's just ... It's not smart. And then, there was a weird thing that happened during the Roseanne times. When Roseanne, uh, was gonna do the podcast for the first time, uh, for the second time rather, um, and, uh, she had that, that crazy controversy and they removed her from her show-

Bert Kreischer 57:54 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 57:54 ... and the whole deal. Dude, they were showing up at places where we weren't with, with cameras. They were showing up at The Comedy Store with cameras trying to capture ... Like, as if like, "Oh, you got me on camera. I gotta talk to you, I guess. Uh."

Bert Kreischer 58:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:08 Like, the, what the news is, if you watch, like, local news, it's a bunch of people pointing cameras at stuff and then loosely applying journalistic ethics to see, like-

Bert Kreischer 58:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:18 ... what they talk about and what they don't and what they feed you over the next half hour. And they wanna be number one in the ratings because, you know, like, "Channel 7's right now is kicking our ass and I just really feel like we gotta get on the scene quicker." (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 58:29 Two.

Joe Rogan 58:29 And it's be- ... It becomes this sport. You're, you're invol- ... You ... This is not necessarily the information. There's personalities and jobs are at risk and the ... There's so many factors that are contributing and, like, and moving what you listen to and see in a certain direction. It's not the news. It's a news program. It's their interpretation of what they think is the most important stuff to focus on over the next X amount of minutes, because life is too fucking nuts.

Bert Kreischer 58:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:56 We have access to the whole world. You k- ... You're gonna break the whole world down in 60 minutes? I- it's an editing show, right?

Bert Kreischer 59:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:03 'Cause you can't show everything. There's millions of things that are fascinating that are going on right now, positive and negative. So they gotta balance it out, you know? What are they gonna do? "A Calabasas woman-"

Bert Kreischer 59:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:13 "... found out the hard way that you can't ... " And they'll show a puppy peeing on her. Oh, that was great.

Bert Kreischer 59:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:20 That was great. Now, let's get back to murder and death and, and fucking thievery.

Bert Kreischer 59:24 (laughs) I said to someone, I said, "Do you think that this vi- coronavirus, uh, coverage is based on the news, like, saying, 'We're taking back the news'?" And someone was like, "No, man. They've been getting their asses handed them, handed to them for so long by Trump-

Joe Rogan 59:38 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 59:39 ... that this is where they're making their money back." And then, you wonder, like, wh- I, like ... I like Chris Cuomo. I like him. I actually like him. I, like, I watch him and I go-

Joe Rogan 59:47 Did you get upset when he got mad at that guy about the Fredo thing?

Bert Kreischer 59:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:50 I got upset for him. Like, I wish I was there. I go ... Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. It's not, like, the N-word. Don't say that. Don't say that.

Bert Kreischer 59:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:59 I understand this guy's a dick and you're letting him know he can't be a dick to you, but let's relax. Let's relax.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:04 It was such, it was such ...

Joe Rogan 1:00:06 It's provoked, though, and he was trying to get out of it. Like, he got s- ... You know what it's like? It's like doing jujitsu and you make a terrible mistake and all of a sudden you're trapped in someone's triangle. You just gotta tap out.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:16 You gotta tap out and you gotta f- live to fight another day. You got caught. Don't get your neck fucked up.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:21 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:22 You know, don't, don't let this guy hurt you.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:24 (laughs) Oh.

Joe Rogan 1:00:24 And when he was trying to s- like, save ego when the guy called him Fredo-

Bert Kreischer 1:00:29 That ... First of all, the guy that called him Fredo is a cunt- (laughs) ... because, because that's such a shit move to do. Like, just, just as a passerby. They did it to-

Joe Rogan 1:00:37 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:37 ... fucking ... They did it to George Lopez at a Hooters one time, like c- like- (laughs) ... some guy-

Joe Rogan 1:00:41 George Lopez? Who did it to George Lopez?

Bert Kreischer 1:00:43 Someone did it to George ... I think it was George Lopez. Said something like, uh, uh, build a wall or something, and George ... And they videotape it. They want, they wanna go viral. That's what they want. Oh. So they call him- Right. ... Fredo- Right. Right. ... and they're videotaping it. And they're looking for reaction so they can get views. That's a cunt move.

Joe Rogan 1:00:58 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:00:59 But Fredo made me giggle.

Joe Rogan 1:01:00 It's funny.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:00 It's such a funny fucking-

Joe Rogan 1:01:02 It's such a silly thing to say. But to say that that's like the N-word to African Americans, dude, nobody owned Fredo. Stop.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:08 It was so ...

Joe Rogan 1:01:08 Relax.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:09 He almost made it- (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:01:10 That's so silly.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:10 ... more enjoyable. I was watching that-

Joe Rogan 1:01:12 It didn't make it more enjoyable. It was so ridiculous.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:14 It's-

Joe Rogan 1:01:14 If you watch Godfather II, you wouldn't be able to think of anything but Chris Cuomo when you're watching that scene.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:19 No-

Joe Rogan 1:01:19 You think of him.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:20 I think ab- I ... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:01:21 (laughs)

Bert Kreischer 1:01:22 I- I-

Joe Rogan 1:01:23 Could you-

Bert Kreischer 1:01:23 I call him Fredo when he comes on the TV. I go-

Joe Rogan 1:01:25 Oh, no.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:25 ... "Yeah, I love Fredo."

Joe Rogan 1:01:26 Joe, help him.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:26 I love him, though.

Joe Rogan 1:01:27 Joe, help.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:27 I love him. Like-

Joe Rogan 1:01:28 He's-

Bert Kreischer 1:01:28 ... I- I say it, like, with a- with a fr- with a A, Fred A. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:01:31 And his brother is the governor of New York.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:34 They look strikingly alike.

Joe Rogan 1:01:36 Well, they look like brothers because they are.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:38 (laughs) "I saw him on TV today."

Joe Rogan 1:01:39 I'm ma- I'm very impressed with how his brother's responding to this, though. With the- the- I, uh ... You know, I understand that there was a- a certain point in time where he wasn't sure whether or not they could really shut down New York. But, you know, now the way he's responding to it, just the way he carries himself, he's very, uh, he's very w- Like, he's a no-nonsense person, like the way he carries himself.

Bert Kreischer 1:01:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:00 You know, and like ... And I don't know if ... I don't know anything about his politics. I don't know anything about what he does. But you can sort of at least gather from the way someone handles a crisis, like how they- how they carry themselves, you gather whether or not you can trust them if shit gets crazy. And he seems to carry himself very well. It's like- That's very important for just the morale of the nation in a weird way. That's why a leader is very important, because when someone's a- a real leader, and even though there's gonna be people that hate them and people that are pissed at everything they do, and that's always gonna be the case if you're the leader of the free world, right? But if they can somehow or another shift the way we feel about ourselves, shift the way we feel about our commun- ... Like, give you a ... There's- Like, pep speeches and a really good presidential address, a really good one just gets into that feel-good spot and brings everybody togeth- ... And it really has a tangible effect on reality. It can really affect reality. And that's- That's what people don't understand about why people get upset about people not being able to talk well. It's a big fucking deal.

Bert Kreischer 1:03:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:06 You know? And people are like, "Why are you joking on Joe Biden," 'cause it's a big deal. He's in the- the biggest fucking sweepstakes on Earth. Who gets to (laughs) control all the thermonuclear weapons and the entire economy and e- e- everything that gets done inside the United States of America? One guy. Ready, go. Like, what? You gotta be able to talk really well-

Bert Kreischer 1:03:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:27 ... if you want that job, because part of the job is inspiring people. It's one of the things Obama did better than any of them, you know? Like you could say what you want about Clinton. He had some good speeches too. I think Obama was even better 'cause he was just measured and intelligent and articulate and strong. There was something about the way he was talking that was confidence-inspiring. Whether or not he was right or not, whether or not he made bad decisions, I don't think anybody can do that fucking job. I don't.

Bert Kreischer 1:03:54 No.

Joe Rogan 1:03:54 I think it's a death sentence. I think it is for all of them. I th- I think they get in there and it's a tornado of fuck- of things that they have to control (laughs) -

Bert Kreischer 1:04:01 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 1:04:01 ... things they have to pay attention to, things they're responsible for, hundreds of difference of fucking pieces in motion all over the world. All these pieces in motion, all these pieces, and you're supposed to be the one guy that makes the right decisions on all of those and chooses the right people for both pandemics and the economy? How about just one? Do you even understand one?

Bert Kreischer 1:04:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:04:23 N- and- and- and then international relations on top of that? Holy fuck. And then you gotta go to North Korea. Now we're in China, China.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:30 It's too many- It's too many things to juggle.

Joe Rogan 1:04:32 Bro, it's madness.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:34 That's why Reagan ... You know, I wonder-

Joe Rogan 1:04:35 The job's madness.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:36 I wonder if it's where we're going back is to a Reagan, like a ... Did you see Matthew McConaughey's speech?

Joe Rogan 1:04:41 No, I did not.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:42 Oh.

Joe Rogan 1:04:42 Was it good?

Bert Kreischer 1:04:43 Yeah. Well, it's- it's Matthew McConaughey, right?

Joe Rogan 1:04:45 Yeah.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:45 Like, we all- we all bought into him in the mid-'90s-

Joe Rogan 1:04:49 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:49 ... like this is our- our- our dream hunk.

Joe Rogan 1:04:51 He's- he's one of our dream hunks, for sure.

Bert Kreischer 1:04:53 God, man, and he just sits there and he's just with that Texas drawl about red lights and green lights. "There's a yellow light. Right now, we're going ..." And it just-

Joe Rogan 1:05:00 Mm-hmm.

Bert Kreischer 1:05:01 I get up and I got- I get like- I got sat up in bed and I was like, "I'm gonna