Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (taps table) Gregory, how you…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (taps table) Gregory, how you holding up?

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:05

      I am holding it up.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:07

      (laughs)

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:07

      Uh, although, not as much as I would like to be holding it up. Like, that's the, I think that's a lot, uh, people are talking about all the different constraints of this, uh, pandemic. Masturbation has gone by the wayside for a lot of people. If you live in a two-bedroom apartment and you got two kids-

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:25

      Hmm.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:26

      ... you know?

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:27

      You're gonna have to jerk off while you're shitting.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:31

      (laughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:34

      It's... (laughs)

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:34

       (laughs)

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:34

       That's the only time you have.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:36

       That's a lot of toilet paper you're wasting.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       Bring your phone in there with you. Bring your phone in there with you.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:41

       (laughs)

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       Set up some YouPorn on the ledge.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:43

       Yeah, right.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       (laughs)

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:44

       And you gotta land it just right and you gotta let it squirt and then come down between your legs into the water.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:49

       You gotta point down. You gotta hurt yourself. You gotta (grunts) .

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:52

       You gotta go overhand.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:53

       Yeah, like you're going deep into third gear. (imitates engine revving)

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:55

       (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:55

       (laughs)

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:58

       I gotta Hurst. (laughs)

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:00

       A Hurst.

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02

       (laughs) Yeah, that's the thing is, like... And I've never been a shower guy. Uh, and especially now that I'm fif- I'll be 54 on, uh-

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       You're a bath guy?

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:12

       ... Wednesday. (laughs) I'm a bath guy. (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:16

       (laughs)

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:16

       No, I meant for jerking off.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      pounds.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:01

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      They were just built different than us.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:03

      And not tall, right?

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:04

      No, no, no. They were short, wide, thick-ass, fucking crazy thick bones. Like, their bone structure was very dense. They, they had, like, real ... Like, the difference between human, like, homo sapien bones and Neanderthal bones. You look at them, you're like, "Damn, these motherfuckers were sturdy."

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:21

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:22

      You know?

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:22

      Right.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:22

      You could see it. There's a difference-

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:24

       Does it have something to do with that the homo sapiens were able to get into trees and get into places where they could escape?

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:29

       See, in those images right there, they look pretty similar other than the, uh, shape of the head.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:34

       Yeah. And the hip-

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:35

       And they-

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:35

       ... the hips are lower.

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:36

       Yeah, but the bones don't look too much ... Well, it's shorter, but the bones don't look too much bigger.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:39

       Right.

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:40

       Other thing, I'd, I'd seen something where it was talking about the, the mass of the bones, that they were, uh, larger-

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:46

       Right.

   19. JRJoe Rogan15:46

       ... different proportions than homo sapiens. It's just crazy there's been a bunch of different kinds of people, man. Once you really wrap your head around that and ... What did, what are those ones in Russia they're still trying to figure out? The Denisovans? I think that's-

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:59

       Oh, yeah. Right.

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:00

       Yeah, yeah. And then there's a few of them. The homo floresiensis, that little hobbit man that lived in the island of Flores.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:05

       Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan16:05

       That's a human.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:06

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan16:07

       That's a weird little human being.

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:09

       Right.

   27. JRJoe Rogan16:09

       Dude, there's have been a bunch of us.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:10

       No, it's true. If you think about, you know, God, God willing, this species goes forward as far as you say, 10,000. I mean, can you imagine in the year 10,000 ... It's almost like when you look at all those movies like, um, E.T. or any of those. It's always a j- ... It's a bigger head, a smaller body, and big fingers 'cause it's just a fucking keyboard.

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:33

       Yup. Yup.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:34

       I mean, if you think about it, when E.T. was made, there wasn't even really computers being used on a regular basis at that point.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Mm-hmm. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      stuff's fun. But what's the right balance?

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:03

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:03

      Right? There's like a, there's a health and enjoyment balance that you have to recognize and family and community balance too. Like, we're all forced to, like, hang out with each other, you know? Even if we're doing it, like, social distance style, we're kind of forced to be around each other all the time.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:20

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:20

      ... it's good.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:21

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:22

      It's good. It's what we were supposed to be. That's how people are supposed to live. We're supposed to l- live around each other all the time. (laughs)

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:27

      And support each other and-

   9. JRJoe Rogan30:29

      Yeah, that's what communities used to be.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:30

       ... take care of each other. When somebody's down, like, "What can I do?" I mean, that's like, one of the first impulses a lot of people are feeling is, all right, first and foremost, take care of my own.

   11. JRJoe Rogan30:40

       Yeah.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:40

       And then the second feeling, which is almost as strong, is like, "Who, how can I help other people?"

   13. JRJoe Rogan30:45

       Community, yeah.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:46

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan30:46

       Our feeling of community, it's enhanced. You know, one of the places that I always think of as the loneliest places is apartment buildings.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:54

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan30:55

       I always feel like apartments are really lonely, which is a weird feeling, right, to have when you're looking at something that has thousands of people living in one structure, or hundreds of people, or whatever the number might be. But I remember living in apartment buildings, I never knew any of those people. I'm like, "Hi, how you doing? Hey, what's up?" (laughs) It's like-

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:11

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan31:12

       ... you just go into your little door, you shut your cage, you bolt it-

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:16

       (laughs) Okay.

   21. JRJoe Rogan31:16

       ... and you hope nobody breaks in and takes your things. You know?

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:19

       (laughs) Yeah.

   23. JRJoe Rogan31:20

       It's like, apartments are weird. Like, you don't, you don't get too tight with people that, you know, live next door.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:26

       Especially if it's rentals.

   25. JRJoe Rogan31:27

       Yeah.

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:27

       If it's a c- if it's a condo where you own, people start to go, like, "All right, you're gonna be here for a while, we'll, we'll say hi."

   27. JRJoe Rogan31:33

       Well, Norton, I think, owns his place, and he was saying he don't know anybody.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:36

       Oh, really?

   29. JRJoe Rogan31:37

       Maybe it's changed since the, this conversation that I had with him, but he's like, he goes, "I live with a fucking thousand people, I don't know any of them." (laughs)

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:43

       Yeah. And he's got a fucking pool and he's never invited me. Like, how many times I, like-
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Oh, no shit. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      Drew Carey.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:01

      Oh, no shit.

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:01

      Yeah, Drew Carey hooked him up.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:03

      Yeah. So he'd never acted, comes in, and he's fucking brilliant.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:06

      Kills it.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:06

      He's great. Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:07

      Kills it. I mean, literally has one of the biggest roles in The Sopranos.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:11

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:12

      And nails it.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:13

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:13

       And I'm telling you, I knew Steve Schirripa from back when he ran the Riviera in Vegas.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:17

       Uh-huh.

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:17

       I love him to death. He's got an amazing tomato sauce, by the way.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:21

       Oh, no shit.

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:21

       An organic tomato sauce.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:22

       Really?

   17. JRJoe Rogan45:22

       Yeah. What is the ... Pull up the, uh, his, uh, Italian, uh, tomato sauce. It's ... He's got mari- mara- uh, marinara. He's got arrabbiata sauce, that spicy, spicy sauce, like if you get lobster fra Diavolo.

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:36

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan45:37

       That's it right there. Uncle Steve's.

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:38

       Oh, look at that.

   21. JRJoe Rogan45:40

       Arrabbiata. I never know how to say that. I only read it. I never s- I never actually said that word.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:45

       Arrabbiata.

   23. JRJoe Rogan45:45

       How do you say it? Arrabbiata?

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:46

       I don't know.

   25. JRJoe Rogan45:47

       But whatever. He's got marinara sauce.

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:49

       Ask your grandmother.

   27. JRJoe Rogan45:49

       It's, uh, tomato basil. It's, it's all organic too. It's really good stuff.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:53

       Your grandmother still alive?

   29. JRJoe Rogan45:54

       No. No, my grandmother ... Dude, my grandmother had a stroke and, um, they gave my grandfather ... They said she's got about 72 hours to live. She lived l- lived 12 years, 12 years, and sh- after an aneurysm.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:08

       And he thought he, she had three weeks?
5. 1:00:00 – 1:13:16

   Mm, whatever it was,…

   1. JVJamie Vernon1:00:00

      polio, but...

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:01

      Mm, whatever it was, they fucked you up.

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:03

      Soon we're all gonna have... Hopefully we're gonna have a mark from a fucking, uh-

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:06

      Coronavirus run?

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:07

      ... coronavirus vaccine. They say a year to a year and a half.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      Yeah. Stop... Yeah. Whate- whatever is stopping people from, uh, funding medical research, I hope they open up the floodgates now.

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:20

      Yeah, right.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

      I hope they realize, like, hey, you need more of these guys and they need a lot more money, and they need to be way ahead of this shit.

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:27

      Well, yeah, because this is one pandemic.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:30

       Yeah.

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:30

       There are a mult- multiple different scenarios of how this happens again.

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:35

       Sure. Well, there was another guy that died recently on a bus that they identified as having a completely different coronavirus in China, but he got a virus that specifically hasn't jumped from human to human, it's only jumped from rats to humans.

   13. JVJamie Vernon1:00:49

       Mm-hmm.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:49

       And the way it jumps from rats to humans is by ingesting animal feces or animal urine.... or-

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:55

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:55

       ... you know, animal fluids.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:57

       Right.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:57

       So this guy ate, somehow or another got some live bat fluid in his body, um, and, and was dying on this bus. And they pull the guy off, and then he tests positive for a totally different coronavirus that's killing him.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:12

       What do you think would happen... Like, imagine some guy gets corona and he's got it fucking bad. Systems are shutting down. This is it. He's gonna die. And he wants to have sex again, but he doesn't wanna get anybody sick.

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:01:26

       Jesus Christ.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:27

       So he fucks his dog.

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:01:29

       Oh my God.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:30

       And then, like-

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:01:31

       Check this out.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:31

       ... all the symptoms go away.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:33

       (laughs)

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:33

       And he realizes (laughs) , like, he's found the cure. And now he has this moral obligation. Like, does he call the CDC and say, "Hey, I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you guys this, but-"

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:43

       (laughs)

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:43

       "... I think I cracked it." (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:45

       And what if it's only his dog? What if everybody has to come to his house and fuck his dog? "We tried fucking a bunch of different dogs."

Episode duration: 3:11:39