Joe Rogan Experience #1452 - Greg Fitzsimmons

1. 0:00 – 1:02

   Quarantine horniness & bathroom “privacy” hacks

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (taps table) Gregory, how you holding up?

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:05

      I am holding it up.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:07

      (laughs)

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:07

      Uh, although, not as much as I would like to be holding it up. Like, that's the, I think that's a lot, uh, people are talking about all the different constraints of this, uh, pandemic. Masturbation has gone by the wayside for a lot of people. If you live in a two-bedroom apartment and you got two kids-

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:25

      Hmm.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:26

      ... you know?

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:27

      You're gonna have to jerk off while you're shitting.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:31

      (laughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:34

      It's... (laughs)

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:34

       (laughs)

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:34

       That's the only time you have.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:36

       That's a lot of toilet paper you're wasting.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:38

       Bring your phone in there with you. Bring your phone in there with you.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:41

       (laughs)

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       Set up some YouPorn on the ledge.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:43

       Yeah, right.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       (laughs)

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:44

       And you gotta land it just right and you gotta let it squirt and then come down between your legs into the water.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:49

       You gotta point down. You gotta hurt yourself. You gotta (grunts) .

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:52

       You gotta go overhand.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:53

       Yeah, like you're going deep into third gear. (imitates engine revving)

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:55

       (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:55

       (laughs)

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:58

       I gotta Hurst. (laughs)

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:00

       A Hurst.

2. 1:02 – 3:18

   The bath/shower ‘egg drop soup’ horror stories

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02

      (laughs) Yeah, that's the thing is, like... And I've never been a shower guy. Uh, and especially now that I'm fif- I'll be 54 on, uh-

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:12

      You're a bath guy?

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:12

      ... Wednesday. (laughs) I'm a bath guy. (laughs)

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:16

      (laughs)

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:16

      No, I meant for jerking off.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:18

      (laughs)

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:18

      Can you imagine? I remember jerking off in the bath once and it just-

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:21

      Ugh.

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:21

      ... floated.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:22

       Oh, it's fucking egg drop soup.

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:23

       It floated around. (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:25

       (laughs) It's terrible.

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:26

       Who ordered egg drop jism?

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:29

       Cooking. It's, it's fucking floating. Ugh.

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:32

       And, uh-

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:33

       It's cooking, right?

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:35

       I remember once I was at my, um, my brother-in-law's apartment in New York, he lives in New York City, and we played midnight hockey in Central Park. He played in this league and you'd go out and it was fucking February. We went out, it was like 20, 20 degrees out, and we played hockey for an hour and a half in Central Park. You know they have rinks out there?

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:55

       Right.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:55

       Wollman Rink. And we come back and I, and I was out of shape, but this, but this guy's, like, a hockey fanatic, so I wanted to do it. So I come back and I was like, "I gotta take a bath." So I go into the bath and, uh, and they're fucking slobs. There's three brothers living together in an apartment. So I go in the bathroom and, uh, I fill it up, I get in, and I'm laying there and I'm fucking chilling out. I'm like, "Oh, this feels so good." (laughs) And then I see this egg drop soup and I realize, like, they all jerk off in the shower.

   20. JRJoe Rogan2:28

       Ugh.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons2:28

       And it was just floating, and I was like, "Ah!" And I just, like, jumped up.

   22. JRJoe Rogan2:33

       (laughs)

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons2:34

       I fucking showered for, like, 45 minutes. (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan2:37

       It's so weird that we're more terrified of jizz than virtually any other body part. Like, if I had a choice between a guy jizzing on my pants or peeing on my pants, I'd say peeing all day.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons2:50

       Oh, yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan2:51

       Right? But w-

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons2:51

       Absolutely.

   28. JRJoe Rogan2:52

       But isn't that hilarious? Isn't that weird? It's like we've decided that one fluid coming out of the dick is, uh, associated with pleasure, male pleasure, dirty men trying to come. Ugh. (imitates flatulence)

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:04

       (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan3:05

       And, like, to have that on you is like, "He got you! That guy got you with his seed!" Yeah.
3. 3:18 – 4:50

   Teen woods stories, gender differences, and why forests feel scary

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:18

      My friends have peed on me. It's happened.

   2. JRJoe Rogan3:21

      (laughs)

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:21

      You know? We, when we were-

   4. JRJoe Rogan3:22

      Yeah, if you're out in the woods.

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:23

      We were out in the woods and we were at a, uh, we were at a fort. We had this fort when we were teenagers. We were, like, 13, and we were, we were already drinking and smoking a lot of pot when we were, like, 13. And, uh, we were in this fort and we all got shit-faced and then my friend just pulled his dick out (imitates flatulence) and he started peeing on all of us.

   6. JRJoe Rogan3:41

      (laughs)

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:42

      (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan3:44

      (claps)

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:45

      And I remember having to go home that night and, like, my jeans were drenched in piss. It wasn't even mine. Of course my mother thought it was me.

   10. JRJoe Rogan3:52

       God. That really is the difference between men and women. Girls don't go out and pee on each other, do they?

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons3:56

       No. No.

   12. JRJoe Rogan3:58

       They rarely go in the woods by themselves anyway.

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:00

       Right.

   14. JRJoe Rogan4:00

       Right?

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:01

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan4:01

       Just a group of girls in the woods? That's a horror movie. You're not supposed to do that.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:04

       Yeah. Girls-

   18. JRJoe Rogan4:05

       A group of guys in the woods, that's normal shit.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:07

       Right.

   20. JRJoe Rogan4:08

       A group of girls in the woods is like, "What are you girls doing out here? You gotta, it's gotta go... Do you have a gun?"

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:13

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan4:13

       You can't just be in the woods.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:14

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan4:15

       Isn't it weird that the woods make everything scarier? Everything.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:19

       That's where like all the grim fairy tales start, right?

   26. JRJoe Rogan4:21

       Yes. Well, it's all, well, wolves would eat people in the woods.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:23

       Yeah. Right.

   28. JRJoe Rogan4:24

       That's what it was.

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons4:25

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan4:25

       That's where all the Little Red Riding Hood, like, y- we don't have to deal with that anymore, so we kind of forgot what, what can happen.
4. 4:50 – 9:04

   Coyotes in the suburbs: Joe’s chicken-coop tragedy and predator tactics

   1. JRJoe Rogan4:50

      Everything's scarier in the woods. We've escaped the woods. We got some nice hard surfaces and some street lights and I feel pretty good about it. I feel like we've, we're fucking holding our ground here. But every now and then a coyote will run across Burbank Boulevard.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:01

      Yeah, that's right.

   3. JRJoe Rogan5:02

      Every now and then a coyote is on Olive Street, just looking around, trying to see what kinda, kinda action he can get in this part of town.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:10

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan5:12

      Shh. Those fucking creeps.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:13

      It's like, uh, the Road Runner. It's like-

   7. JRJoe Rogan5:14

      Dude.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:14

      ... "Oh, the fucking coyote, man. Watch out. He's got some Acme shit."

   9. JRJoe Rogan5:18

      Except in the, in the Road Runner, the coyote never wins.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:21

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan5:22

       In real life, they always win.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:24

       Of course.

   13. JRJoe Rogan5:24

       They win every time. They beat me and they killed all my chickens, dude.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:28

       Mm.

   15. JRJoe Rogan5:28

       All of them. They got them all.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:30

       This was here and-

   17. JRJoe Rogan5:31

       Yeah.

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:32

       Wow.

   19. JRJoe Rogan5:33

       Yeah. They killed-

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:34

       You had fencing?

   21. JRJoe Rogan5:35

       Yes. They got in, they broke into the chicken coop. They killed nine chickens, the last remaining nine chickens. They killed, they pluck- plucked them off one at a time.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons5:43

       Damn.

   23. JRJoe Rogan5:43

       With- Yeah, with help from my dog at one point in time. My mastiff became friends with a coyote. (sighs) And he's way bigger than them, so they used him to break into the chicken coop. So he broke into the chicken coop and the coyotes got in the chicken coop with the dog. Like, they literally tricked the dog into breaking into the chicken coop.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons6:04

       I wonder if the mastiff got shit from other mastiffs, like, "Dude, you're friends with coyotes?"

   25. JRJoe Rogan6:08

       Well, you know, he just got tricked. He thought they were dogs.

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons6:12

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan6:12

       He thought they were his friends.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons6:13

       Right.

   29. JRJoe Rogan6:14

       And my other dog's kind of an asshole, and they don't get along that good. They're both gone now, unfortunately. They were 13.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons6:19

       Yeah.
5. 9:04 – 12:43

   Baboons, stolen puppies, and Sapolsky’s ‘kinder baboon’ social shift

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:04

      Dude, we were in South Africa one time, and we're, we're taking a hike down to the, uh, the Cape of Good Hope, which is like the point, it's like the western point of Africa. And, uh, they have baboons there. It's like a-

   2. JRJoe Rogan9:15

      (laughs)

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:16

      ... baboon-fucking forest.

   4. JRJoe Rogan9:17

      (laughs)

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:18

      And so we were like, "Should we ..." We s- There's a park ranger there and we're like, "Should we be scared?" And he's like, "You guys are fine, but if you put your ..." My son at the time was about three or four. He's like, "If you put him down, they're gonna take him." (laughs) Just like that. And we were like, "Fuck."

   6. JRJoe Rogan9:35

      Could you imagine-

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:37

      So we carried him all the way down.

   8. JRJoe Rogan9:37

      ... watching your baby gets snatched by a baboon-

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:43

      Hmm.

   10. JRJoe Rogan9:44

       ... which is like a dog monkey.

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:45

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan9:45

       Right? They're the weirdest ones.

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:47

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan9:47

       'Cause they kind of have like a dog face almost.

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:50

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan9:50

       And giant canines.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:51

       Right.

   18. JRJoe Rogan9:52

       Do you know they're so smart that they train dogs?

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:55

       Baboons do?

   20. JRJoe Rogan9:55

       Baboons train dogs.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons9:57

       Oh, no shit.

   22. JRJoe Rogan9:57

       They steal puppies, they bring the puppies into their little camp and they feed them, and that way the puppy barks whenever anything's coming near so they can go to sleep.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons10:07

       Whoa. No shit.

   24. JRJoe Rogan10:08

       Dude. And they eat babies.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons10:10

       Yeah. Damn.

   26. JRJoe Rogan10:13

       What? What the fuck, man? It's crazy video too. You see these, uh, baboons dragging these puppies by their tail, just dragging them. And then they try, puppy tries to get away, "Sit the fuck down." Just put ... And then the puppy doesn't know what to do. The puppy's yiping. They give him some food. Bro, they're like little demons.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons10:32

       Shit.

   28. JRJoe Rogan10:32

       They train dogs.

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons10:34

       They're strong as shit too.

   30. JRJoe Rogan10:35

       They're super strong. There's a really, really interesting, um, guy out of, uh, Stanford, uh, Professor Robert Sapolsky. And, uh, we were really fortunate enough to get him to talk on the podcast about, um, a bunch of different things, one of them being parasites that control behavior of, uh, certain, uh, animals and cats and stuff called toxoplasmosis. But another thing is that he studied baboons for like a long time, like years he studied the same pack. He would go back to Africa and study these same baboons over and over again. And while he was studying them, there was a case where a really crazy thing had happened where poisoned food had gotten into the dump and these, uh, baboons had eaten the poisoned food. And because the alphas always ate first, they got the poisoned food and they died off.
6. 12:43 – 16:42

   Humans as an evolving animal: chimps, Neanderthals, and ‘future humans’

   1. JRJoe Rogan12:43

      And they, they took over the society. That happens in all sorts of ecosystems. We have this idea that the males have to dominate because we dominate now.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons12:51

      Right.

   3. JRJoe Rogan12:52

      But in nature ... Like, we're, we are not a single-celled organism, right? We're not a primate that has f- hair all over its body anymore. We're some new thing. Well, we became this new thing because we adapted, right? Something happened. There was natural selection, there was, uh, random mutations, and then boom, human being in 2020. But that doesn't mean it's the same thing as a human being in 3020 or f- 4020 or 10,020. We, we might be turning into a totally different thing. And it seems like we are to me. I mean, if you just look at the difference between, like, uh, like this, this, uh, dope-ass chimpanzee skull, um, that, uh, um, this dude made for me, man. Uh, Shane Against the Machine-

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons13:35

      It's awesome.

   5. JRJoe Rogan13:35

      ... on Instagram. He made that, uh, army helmet head too, but the point is, like, this thing is fucking way stronger than us.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons13:43

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan13:43

      This thing is like ... It might look kind of like us, but it would tear us to pieces.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons13:48

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JRJoe Rogan13:49

      Like, it's i- ... Even if it's, like, close to the same weight as us, it's so impossibly strong.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons13:54

       Right.

   11. JRJoe Rogan13:54

       Like, I can't even imagine it. So, we're not that anymore.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons13:57

       Right.

   13. JRJoe Rogan13:58

       Something happened. Something happened, right? Something ha- ... We, we stopped being this ridiculously strong, murderous omnivore.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:07

       Right.

   15. JRJoe Rogan14:07

       And we became a human being, which seems to be way more calm except in big bursts of rage. You know, mass shootings and-

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:12

       Well, it's like in the, in that book Sapien, when, when we went from being, uh, was it, Neanderthal to, to, uh, homo sapien, that they, they existed at the same time-

   17. JRJoe Rogan14:23

       Yes. Yeah.

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:23

       ... and that actually the, the Neanderthal is way stronger, way faster, bigger-

   19. JRJoe Rogan14:28

       Yeah.

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:29

       ... but-

   21. JRJoe Rogan14:29

       Big brain too.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:30

       Oh, did it have a bigger brain?

   23. JRJoe Rogan14:31

       Yeah, I think.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:32

       So, wait, so I thought that-

   25. JRJoe Rogan14:33

       Is that true?

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:33

       I thought the sapiens-

   27. JRJoe Rogan14:34

       I don't think that's true.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:35

       I thought homo sapiens out-thunk, out-thought, out-thunk.

   29. JRJoe Rogan14:39

       I think they think they did because I, I think they think that the, uh, larger brain, if I remember correctly, was correct, uh, connected to the mass of the bodies. The bodies were very massive.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons14:49

       Right.
7. 16:42 – 19:17

   Computers ‘taking over’ and COVID compliance as a mass-behavior test

   1. JRJoe Rogan16:42

      Do you remember that Matthew Broderick movie, War Games?

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:46

      No.

   3. JRJoe Rogan16:46

      Do you want to play a game? He was, like, you know, computer console.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:48

      Oh, right, right, right. Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan16:49

      Thermonuclear war.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:50

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan16:50

      Like, he, he played thermonuclear war with a computer.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:53

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan16:54

      That's when I remember that's what people thought. Like, "Oh, my God. Computers are gonna take over."

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:57

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:57

       They were kind of right. They just didn't see it coming like this.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:01

       What do you mean kind of?

   13. JRJoe Rogan17:02

       There is-

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:02

       You don't think they're ...

   15. JRJoe Rogan17:02

       Oh, yeah. They're definitely right. Um, I just, it's not like, uh, computers are starting nuclear wars and tricking society.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:10

       Right.

   17. JRJoe Rogan17:10

       But once, once they do, once they realize how fucked up our priorities are ... (laughs) You know, once, uh, once computers ... One thing you have to say about, though, this coronavirus thing, this is a good example of people who are n- at least ... Like, the compliance of the, the, the country, the total compliance, it's not perfect, but it's pretty fucking incredible.

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:37

       Right.

   19. JRJoe Rogan17:38

       Pretty fucking incredible. You got the whole country to shut down for a month for a virus and just kinda hang out and just n- no one goes anywhere. You go to the supermarket, minimal movement. You know?

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:49

       A couple states.

   21. JRJoe Rogan17:50

       You just chill. Yeah.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:50

       A couple states are holding out.

   23. JRJoe Rogan17:52

       Couple states.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons17:52

       I think Mississippi is like, "Fuck it. We gonna keep on living the way we do."

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:57

       (laughs) I think it was Alabama. I think Alabama, they're, they're ... Is that ... See, if it's Alabama, it was the quote that said, "We're not California."

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons18:04

       Yeah. (laughs)

   27. JRJoe Rogan18:06

       (laughs)

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons18:06

       They're so silly.

   29. JRJoe Rogan18:07

       You re- you realize what we represent to the Deep South?

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons18:09

       (laughs)
8. 19:17 – 23:47

   Texas identity, Comanches, and the brutal roots of frontier violence

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:17

      It's so funny that pe- that... The South has these st- I mean, it goes back to the Civil War. I mean, the statewide identity is so powerful. You think about how Texans think of themselves. They are Texans before they are the, before they are Americans.

   2. JRJoe Rogan19:33

      Oh, yeah.

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:34

      And it's like that in most Southern states and it's like, you know, that's what the fucking war was fought about.

   4. JRJoe Rogan19:39

      But it's Texas more than any of the other ones now.

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:42

      Yeah.

   6. JRJoe Rogan19:42

      Texas is a totally different country.

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:44

      Right.

   8. JRJoe Rogan19:44

      I'm 100% on board with that. It's a different country.

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:47

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan19:48

       It's Texas.

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:49

       They got their own economy.

   12. JRJoe Rogan19:51

       Pffft. They're a republic too. They were... For the longest time, they, they could have bailed.

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons19:55

       Mm-hmm.

   14. JRJoe Rogan19:56

       You know? Like, and they, they're the ones who had to fight off the Comanches, dude.

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons20:00

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan20:00

       Oh my God. I... When I read this book, um... T-... U-... W-... What was... What is the, uh, the Gwyn now? Empire of the Summer Moon. Uh, this Native American book I, I read, uh... Actually listened to it on audio. I don't wanna lie. Um, but it's amazing and it's all about the Comanches and the, the Comanche Indians and the Texas Rangers, which were created to try to combat the Comanches. This guy moved to Texas and started reading up on the history of, uh, American, uh, Indian and, uh, settler combat and all, all the different crazy shit-

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons20:33

       Right.

   18. JRJoe Rogan20:33

       ... that went on during those days. And he's like, "What in the fuck? These Comanches just ran this place for hundreds of years."

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons20:39

       No shit.

   20. JRJoe Rogan20:40

       'Cause they were like the first ones to figure out horseback.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons20:42

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan20:42

       That was Texas. So the Texas Rangers were the first successful guys against the Comanche and they basically fought like the Comanche. They fought on horseback. They didn't dress like regular soldiers. They grew their hair out long. They were just savages.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons20:55

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan20:56

       And they were our savages-

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons20:57

       Right.

   26. JRJoe Rogan20:57

       ... and they went out and fought the savages at the savage game.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons21:00

       Right.

   28. JRJoe Rogan21:00

       And that's, like, what established Texas. Those there, that's a deeply rooted independent place. Like-

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons21:05

       Oh, yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan21:05

       ... "Hey, fuck you. We carved this fucking place out."
9. 23:47 – 30:46

   Disasters, stimulus money, and a forced life reset for comedians

   1. JRJoe Rogan23:47

      'Cause it's... I- in a lot of ways it's like any disaster that can happen, you know, you almost shoulda saw it coming.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons23:55

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan23:56

      Like almost every crazy disaster, like you almost shoulda saw it coming. Like, why, why are they still building houses that get torn apart by hurricanes?

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons24:05

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JRJoe Rogan24:05

      Isn't it possible to build a house that doesn't get torn apart by hur-... Yeah, but economically it's not really wise. It's, like, too... Uh, it's too hard. When you see houses getting torn apart by hurricanes, like, you get it, it's a resource issue.... but part of you is like, "Man, as human beings, like, we know how to make houses that survive hurricanes."

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons24:22

      Right.

   7. JRJoe Rogan24:22

      Don't we?

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons24:23

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan24:23

      They make some hurricane-proof houses, right?

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons24:25

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan24:26

       Why don't they, like, retrofit houses for hurricanes? I get it, be super expensive. But when you see, like, the amount of money that they have now with this s- stimulus package. I hate to say it, but it does bring forth a lot of the ideas that people like Bernie Sanders talk about where it's like you've got all this money to help people when the shit hits the fan.

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons24:46

       Right.

   13. JRJoe Rogan24:47

       But why didn't you have all this money to help people, like, get out of a bad situation?

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons24:52

       Right.

   15. JRJoe Rogan24:52

       Or why didn't you have all this money to help stimulate inner cities that are economically depressed? Why does it have to wait until the entire country-

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:00

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan25:00

       ... has shut down for a month that you realize, like, "We gotta give these people some fucking money." Like, where's this money coming from, man?

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:06

       Right.

   19. JRJoe Rogan25:07

       (laughs) What have you been doing with it? (coughs)

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:09

       It's almost like on a, on a micro level you can look at your own family for a lot of people. Like I know with me, it's like I'm on the road more than I probably wanna be sometimes-

   21. JRJoe Rogan25:19

       Yeah.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:19

       ... because I'm always like, "I got a kid in college. I gotta save money. I gotta..." And now that I'm not working at all for possibly a long fucking time. I mean, comedians, we're gonna be one of the last people back in the workforce because it, it's gonna, it's gonna demand that people trust getting back into groups again.

   23. JRJoe Rogan25:35

       I refuse to let you call it the workforce, us being a part of the workforce.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:40

       (laughs)

   25. JRJoe Rogan25:40

       I fucking refuse. (laughs) I'm thinking of people out there working in kitchens-

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:44

       All right. Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan25:44

       ... and fucking carrying big-

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:46

       You don't bring a lunch pail and punch in?

   29. JRJoe Rogan25:48

       ... garbage bags out to the dumpster.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons25:48

       When you go to The Funny Bone? (laughs)
10. 30:46 – 33:14

    Apartment loneliness, community, and comics’ inside jokes (Jim Norton)

    1. JRJoe Rogan30:46

       Our feeling of community, it's enhanced. You know, one of the places that I always think of as the loneliest places is apartment buildings.

    2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:54

       Yeah.

    3. JRJoe Rogan30:55

       I always feel like apartments are really lonely, which is a weird feeling, right, to have when you're looking at something that has thousands of people living in one structure, or hundreds of people, or whatever the number might be. But I remember living in apartment buildings, I never knew any of those people. I'm like, "Hi, how you doing? Hey, what's up?" (laughs) It's like-

    4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:11

       Yeah.

    5. JRJoe Rogan31:12

       ... you just go into your little door, you shut your cage, you bolt it-

    6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:16

       (laughs) Okay.

    7. JRJoe Rogan31:16

       ... and you hope nobody breaks in and takes your things. You know?

    8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:19

       (laughs) Yeah.

    9. JRJoe Rogan31:20

       It's like, apartments are weird. Like, you don't, you don't get too tight with people that, you know, live next door.

    10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:26

        Especially if it's rentals.

    11. JRJoe Rogan31:27

        Yeah.

    12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:27

        If it's a c- if it's a condo where you own, people start to go, like, "All right, you're gonna be here for a while, we'll, we'll say hi."

    13. JRJoe Rogan31:33

        Well, Norton, I think, owns his place, and he was saying he don't know anybody.

    14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:36

        Oh, really?

    15. JRJoe Rogan31:37

        Maybe it's changed since the, this conversation that I had with him, but he's like, he goes, "I live with a fucking thousand people, I don't know any of them." (laughs)

    16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:43

        Yeah. And he's got a fucking pool and he's never invited me. Like, how many times I, like-

    17. JRJoe Rogan31:47

        Wow.

    18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:47

        ... kiddingly I go, like, "Hey, you should all come over on Sunday." You know, like, we'll be at the cellar. "Hey, we should all come over Sunday, hang out at your pool." And he's always like, "Yeah, that..." His voice goes up like three oct-

    19. JRJoe Rogan31:57

        (laughs)

    20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:57

        "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that'd be great." (laughs)

    21. JRJoe Rogan32:01

        (laughs)

    22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons32:01

        He doesn't want anyone at his fucking house.

    23. JRJoe Rogan32:03

        You can't come to his pool.

    24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons32:05

        (sighs) .

    25. JRJoe Rogan32:05

        You can't come to his dungeon, first of all. Who knows what-

    26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons32:07

        Who knows?

    27. JRJoe Rogan32:07

        ... kinds of straps and bolt-ons and who God- knows what kind of things-

    28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons32:11

        Fake feet-

    29. JRJoe Rogan32:12

        ... crazy enor-

    30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons32:12

        ... with a dick insert at the bottom of it.
11. 33:14 – 38:12

    Rewatching comedies in quarantine: Sandler, SNL movies, and ‘can’t do that now’ jokes

    1. JRJoe Rogan33:14

       (laughs) It wasn't a bad movie, man. I watched that da- we were watching a lot of movies. You, dude, okay, here's, here's something, underrated, massively underrated, Adam Sandler movies.

    2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:24

       Sure.

    3. JRJoe Rogan33:25

       Adam Sandler movies are ridiculously underrated.

    4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:29

       Yeah.

    5. JRJoe Rogan33:30

       Ridiculously underrated.

    6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:31

       You watching them with your daughters?

    7. JRJoe Rogan33:32

       Dude, they're hilarious.

    8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:34

       Yeah.

    9. JRJoe Rogan33:35

       He, Adam Sandler has, like, s- p- I don't know how many movies that are really, really funny, but surprisingly funny. Like, like, "Ah!" Chuck and Larry, the one where he marries Kevin James for, for benefits.

    10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:49

        I didn't see that one.

    11. JRJoe Rogan33:50

        Dude, it is hilarious.

    12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:52

        Yeah.

    13. JRJoe Rogan33:52

        The, there's some rough moments in it where you're watching it and you go, "Whoa, you could never do this in 2020."

    14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons33:58

        Right, right.

    15. JRJoe Rogan33:58

        It's one of those movies, like, if somebody ever goes back on it and looks at it like, "Hey, what the fuck?" But ultimately, in the end, it was, like, a really positive movie. But, dude, there are hilarious moments in that movie where I'm like, "Wow, (laughs) this is really fucking funny."

    16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:12

        Yeah.

    17. JRJoe Rogan34:13

        Kingpin.

    18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:15

        Oh, Kingpin's-

    19. JRJoe Rogan34:15

        But-

    20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:15

        ... fucking great.

    21. JRJoe Rogan34:17

        That's not him. No, no, it's a different movie. Yeah. No, no, but I'm not, I'm- Oh, okay. No, I'm just saying Kingpin is another movie-

    22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:23

        Yeah.

    23. JRJoe Rogan34:23

        ... that I wish I could go back and watch again, but c- it's a little too rough for my kids.

    24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:28

        Yeah.

    25. JRJoe Rogan34:28

        Like, Rated R for the young one.

    26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:30

        Right.

    27. JRJoe Rogan34:30

        But that's another one, like, people can, you can forget how fucking funny that movie is.

    28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:35

        Yeah.

    29. JRJoe Rogan34:35

        I forgot how funny those Adam Sandler movies are, though.

    30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons34:37

        Yeah.
12. 38:12 – 45:53

    Prestige TV and acting craft: The Outsider, Silence of the Lambs, and suspense technique

    1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:12

       No. You know what I was thinking about the other day is like, I watched, uh, oh what was the show with that black woman in it?

    2. JRJoe Rogan38:21

       Madea?

    3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:23

       No, it's a TV, it's a TV series with a Black woman who's a British actress. Uh, she sang at the, uh, Oscars this year. Anyway.

    4. JRJoe Rogan38:32

       What are you watching?

    5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:34

       She's a-

    6. JRJoe Rogan38:34

       What kind of spare time do you have?

    7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:35

       Oh, I don't what the fuck.

    8. JRJoe Rogan38:35

       Do you watching a movie where there's an opera singer, is that what you said?

    9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:39

       It was, uh-

    10. JRJoe Rogan38:41

        What kind of singing?

    11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:43

        You know, like R&B.

    12. JRJoe Rogan38:45

        Oh.

    13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:45

        But the point is she's a British, she's a British African. What you say is there's African American and there's British.

    14. JRJoe Rogan38:51

        British, uh, what, how would you say that?

    15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons38:52

        African British? I don't know. But she was portraying a, an American woman. And you think, but is that cultural appropriation, because she's not an American Black woman.

    16. JRJoe Rogan39:03

        Oh. Interesting. Ooh, that's a really interesting point. So like an, a British woman who's of African descent playing an African American.

    17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:13

        Yeah.

    18. JRJoe Rogan39:14

        Yeah, that's a different thing. But I think you, there's a loophole, there's a crosspollination loophole to get allowed to do that.

    19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:20

        Yeah. They both suffered.

    20. JRJoe Rogan39:22

        Yeah, you're allowed to do that. You, what you can't do is blackface. That, you're just pretending you're a Black person from another continent. I mean, you were sold off to slavery, you know, in some European continent as well. Cynthia Erivo.

    21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:34

        Yeah, she played Harriet Tubman.

    22. JRJoe Rogan39:36

        Yeah, Cynthia Erivo, Erivo.

    23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:37

        And what was the TV show-

    24. JRJoe Rogan39:38

        She's amazing.

    25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:39

        ... that she did that was so fucking good?

    26. JRJoe Rogan39:40

        The Outsider. Dude, she's incredible.

    27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:43

        Yeah.

    28. JRJoe Rogan39:43

        She's incredible.

    29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons39:43

        Dude, she's so good in The Outsider.

    30. JRJoe Rogan39:45

        She's incredible.
13. 45:53 – 52:16

    Old-world family stories: Italian-American food, immigration, and the origin of quarantine

    1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:53

       Your grandmother still alive?

    2. JRJoe Rogan45:54

       No. No, my grandmother ... Dude, my grandmother had a stroke and, um, they gave my grandfather ... They said she's got about 72 hours to live. She lived l- lived 12 years, 12 years, and sh- after an aneurysm.

    3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:08

       And he thought he, she had three weeks?

    4. JRJoe Rogan46:09

       They, they did not think she was gonna make it. She made it for 12 years. So the last 12 years of my grandmother's life when I would go to visit her, she was immobile in a bed. She couldn't remember me.

    5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:20

       No shit.

    6. JRJoe Rogan46:21

       Yeah. It was horrible, dude.

    7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:23

       Do you think when, when your grandfather was told she had three weeks left, do you think he threw a move on her?

    8. JRJoe Rogan46:30

       No.

    9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:32

       (laughs)

    10. JVJamie Vernon46:33

        (laughs)

    11. JRJoe Rogan46:36

        I lived with them when I first moved to, uh, to the E- to, to New Jersey, um, from Boston.

    12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:42

        Oh, that's right, yeah.

    13. JRJoe Rogan46:42

        When I first had a ... When I ba- Remember, uh, when I left, uh, Boston for, uh, New York, I had zero money.

    14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:50

        Yeah.

    15. JRJoe Rogan46:50

        And so I just stayed with my grandparents in Newark, and my grandmother was, uh, in that state at the time where she was bedridden and sh-

    16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:57

        Did they have help or was it just your grandfather taking care of her?

    17. JRJoe Rogan47:00

        They would, they would have help. They would have, uh, nurses would come over and help as well. It was rough, man.

    18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:04

        Wow.

    19. JRJoe Rogan47:05

        It was a sobering reminder of the, the temporary nature of life, 'cause I remember my grandmother when I was little. She was always this powerful lady, this powerful force.

    20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:15

        Yeah.

    21. JRJoe Rogan47:15

        You know? She's always yelling at my grandfather, "Don't rush me. Don't rush me, Joe."

    22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:19

        Oh, yeah.

    23. JRJoe Rogan47:19

        My grandfather's name was Joe too.

    24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:21

        Uh-huh.

    25. JRJoe Rogan47:21

        "Don't rush me, Joe."

    26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:23

        (laughs)

    27. JRJoe Rogan47:23

        She's like st- ... Like, "Get out of her way." I've talked about her before, how crazy she was in a, in a, in an amazing way.

    28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:29

        Yeah.

    29. JRJoe Rogan47:29

        But my grandmother had a monkey. She had a monkey named Chi-Chi.

    30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons47:31

        No shit.
14. 52:16 – 1:02:29

    Early inoculation, vaccines, and pandemic weirdness (Tiger King moment)

    1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:16

       No, you know what they used to do is, uh, they would go around with a corpse of somebody that died from smallpox and they would in... they would, uh, inject you with it. With a little, some cells from the corpse.

    2. JRJoe Rogan52:34

       What?

    3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:34

       They would go door to door with a wagon with a corpse in the back of it and they would give you injections.

    4. JRJoe Rogan52:39

       No.

    5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:39

       Yeah.

    6. JRJoe Rogan52:40

       How many people did that give smallpox to?

    7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:42

       I don't know but I guess if you give a small amount it wouldn't... They realized that it worked as a-

    8. JRJoe Rogan52:46

       A vaccine?

    9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:47

       ... a vaccine if you gave a very small amount. Yeah.

    10. JRJoe Rogan52:50

        Really?

    11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:50

        Yeah.

    12. JRJoe Rogan52:52

        Did it... Was that effective?

    13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:54

        I imagine some people died from it if it wasn't done right. And then-

    14. JRJoe Rogan52:57

        We have to figure that out.

    15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons52:58

        Yeah.

    16. JRJoe Rogan52:58

        That's, that's fascinating. See if you can find-

    17. JVJamie Vernon53:01

        I'm looking.

    18. JRJoe Rogan53:01

        (laughs) Jamie's the fastest one-handed Googler on planet Earth.

    19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons53:06

        (laughs) We're not gonna say what he does with his other hand.

    20. JRJoe Rogan53:08

        He's doing some wizard... He's Sw... Yeah. Jerking off in the tub.

    21. JVJamie Vernon53:11

        So this would be... I typed in 'injections with corpses' nothing quite came up. Right, on like, on wagons you said, or something like that? You know, tying-

    22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons53:18

        Yeah, I remember watching, uh, HBO did this special about, uh, John Adams in, uh, in Boston. And there was a scene from it where they were going through town with a wagon with a corpse in it, shooting people.

    23. JRJoe Rogan53:31

        When did, when was the, when is the first vaccine? Like, when was that?

    24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons53:38

        I don't know.

    25. JRJoe Rogan53:38

        If you had to guess. Like, what was the polio vaccine?

    26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons53:42

        Well-

    27. JRJoe Rogan53:42

        What year was that? That's not the first one but that's the most... Like, who knows a guy who made a vaccine more than anyone knows Jonas Salk?

    28. JVJamie Vernon53:50

        Smallpox was the first one.

    29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons53:52

        Yeah.

    30. JRJoe Rogan53:53

        Really?
15. 1:02:29 – 1:46:09

    Nature’s horror show: botflies, parasites, invasive pythons, and apex-bird nightmares

    1. JRJoe Rogan1:02:29

       Look, biology is so weird, man. I wouldn't be, that wouldn't even be that shocking.

    2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:33

       Right?

    3. JRJoe Rogan1:02:33

       That's the way, uh, a disease gets cured, you have to fuck an animal.

    4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:37

       Yeah.

    5. JRJoe Rogan1:02:38

       How's that any weirder than some of the shit that, that's real? How's it any weirder than, uh, some of these parasites that, uh... You ever seen those videos of frogs that have the parasites in their eyeballs and they're swimming around their eyeballs? It is-

    6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:49

       Oh, no shit.

    7. JRJoe Rogan1:02:49

       ... so creepy, man.

    8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:51

       Really?

    9. JRJoe Rogan1:02:51

       Yeah, they're getting eaten from the inside out by-

    10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:54

        Ugh.

    11. JRJoe Rogan1:02:54

        ... these parasites that are in their eyeballs. So this poor frog is sitting there (imitates frog croaking) and these, these worms are squirreling all around, like-

    12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:02

        Yeah.

    13. JRJoe Rogan1:03:02

        ... visibly, under its eyeballs.

    14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:04

        Yeah.

    15. JRJoe Rogan1:03:04

        Like, fuck, man.

    16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:05

        Dude, my brother-in-law, he's a cinematographer, he shoots nature stuff, so he goes, like, deep into the Amazon. He shot-

    17. JRJoe Rogan1:03:12

        Oh.

    18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:12

        He shot the first live, uh, I wanna say rhino or hippopotamus birth ever filmed.

    19. JRJoe Rogan1:03:20

        Look at that, look at that poor frog.

    20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:22

        Holy shit.

    21. JRJoe Rogan1:03:25

        Dude, nature doesn't give a fuck. Nature is just going to war 24/7 finding new ways to fuck up animals, testing their systems.

    22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:35

        Damn.

    23. JRJoe Rogan1:03:35

        Breaking through and establishing dominance inside this poor fucking creature's eyeball.

    24. JVJamie Vernon1:03:40

        Ugh.

    25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:41

        Wow.

    26. JRJoe Rogan1:03:42

        Bro. Please shut that down, Jamie, please.

    27. JVJamie Vernon1:03:44

        (laughs)

    28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:03:44

        So my brother-in-law was in, he was in the Amazon and he was shooting, I think it was a l- the first live hippo or rhino birth. And he comes back and he's visiting us, uh, out in California, and he's got this, uh, he's got this bump on his arm. And it's got a red line running up his arm, which means there's some kind of a bad infection.

    29. JRJoe Rogan1:04:02

        Right.

    30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:04:02

        So they shoot him up full of antibiotics, they say, "You'll be fine." So he's driving up the, up the PCH going out to Malibu with his family and, uh, he's poking at it and he's, he's trying to pop it like a zit. And all of a sudden, the thing just fucking explodes and this being, this creature, fucking flies out of him-

Episode duration: 3:11:39