Joe Rogan Experience #1468 - Alonzo Bodden

Alonzo Bodden is a stand up comedian and also the winner of Last Comic Standing Season 3. Check out his podcast called “Who’s Paying Attention” available via Apple Podcasts and Stitcher.

Joe RoganhostAlonzo Boddenguest

May 1, 20203h 7mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,005 words

0:00 – 15:00
... one. Hello, Alonzo…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  ... one. Hello, Alonzo Bodden.
2. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Joe, I am negative.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  I know! But you're positive. You're a positive person.
4. ABAlonzo Bodden
  I'm positive. I'm a positive person, life is good, but the test is negative. Which, that's always what you wanna hear after a medical test.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, basically.
6. ABAlonzo Bodden
  The test is n- I can't... I'm trying to think, is there any one where you wanna hear, "The results were positive"? I think you always wanna hear, "Yeah, this one came up negative."
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. How come no diseases ever make us better?
8. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs)
9. JRJoe Rogan
  There's not like a disease that's like a Marvel comic book-
10. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ...where you catch it.
12. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah. How come I can't get hit with gamma radiation-
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Right! Like, look what happened to The Hulk and Spider-Man.
14. ABAlonzo Bodden
  ...and just... Just, every time I get mad at somebody, just Hulk out. But, you, you know, they never show, like, everyday things with The Hulk. Like, suppose he's in a car, right? Now your car, The Hulk just grew, tore up your car. "Hello-"
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
16. ABAlonzo Bodden
  "...State Farm. Yeah. You're not gonna believe what just happened to my car." (laughs)
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. The, the, the concept of The Hulk that's on all the time annoys the shit out of me. You know that he's The Hulk now constantly, 24 hours a day?
18. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah, yeah.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  And then he's smart, and he's, he's just like-
20. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right, The Intelligent Hulk.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Come on. He's... So, he's Bruce Banner all the time. He's Bruce Banner, but he's also The Hulk.
22. ABAlonzo Bodden
  I, um, I'm-
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Fuck.
24. ABAlonzo Bodden
  We were talking about reading, which is what I'm doing now, and I got this book. It's like 10 years of The Hulk. It's like 1,000 (laughs) pages of Hulk comics.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Jesus.
26. ABAlonzo Bodden
  A 10-year run, and the story is, it's great. It's the gray Hulk, who was smart, but not like the movie one, but he was smarter than the regular one, and he would-
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, really?
28. ABAlonzo Bodden
  He would only change at night, like a vampi- like a werewolf.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Werewolf? (laughs)
30. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah. So, it's... So, it's like, "Hey, this is how much free time I have, Joe." (laughs)
15:00 – 30:00
Although... And, you know,…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  and then th- they hear the, "Doom." You hear that? "Doom."
2. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Although... And, you know, I hate to be this guy, but, but we do it at, like... You ever watch movies and just, like, you, you pull out the holes in the logic?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
4. ABAlonzo Bodden
  This.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  What's the holes in the logic?
6. ABAlonzo Bodden
  The two kids would not be with the lawyer.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. True.
8. ABAlonzo Bodden
  One... The, the, the little boy loved dinosaurs, and he knew who, uh, the dinosaur scientist was. He'd have been in that van.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  True.
10. ABAlonzo Bodden
  He would... No way the two kids would've been with the lawyer. At least one of 'em would've been with a scientist.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, for sure. Were there parents in that movie?
12. ABAlonzo Bodden
  No, they were with their grandfather.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  And was their grandfather the main scientist dude?
14. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah. No, the grandfather was the old guy who owned-
15. JRJoe Rogan
  The park.
16. ABAlonzo Bodden
  ... Jurassic Park, right?
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Right, the old guy that looked like Colonel Sanders.
18. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right, right.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20. ABAlonzo Bodden
  So, it's like, if your grandfather created this park and he hired this scientist, you're like, "I'm hanging out with the scientist," even though he didn't-
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
22. ABAlonzo Bodden
  ... like kids. It'd be like, "My grandfather said that I can ride with you." (laughs)
23. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) And Jeff Goldblum was the sexy scientist.
24. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah. Goldblum was great in all of 'em, though.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  He was amazing.
26. ABAlonzo Bodden
  He, he was just that great character that, you know...
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, you bought it.
28. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Especially the first one.
30. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah. I l- I love that, "Drive faster."
30:00 – 45:00
(laughs) …
1. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs)
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
3. ABAlonzo Bodden
  He was like, "Don't even waste my time." (laughs)
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Someone must have-
5. ABAlonzo Bodden
  It was just funny the way he said it 'cause, 'cause he really is that guy. He's like the I'll save lives, like he's a doctor, he cares and this and that.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Right. (laughs)
7. ABAlonzo Bodden
  But on this one he's like, "Man, you better... Just don't even waste my time." (laughs)
8. JRJoe Rogan
  When you heard about that, you had to think this has gotta be like a fucking movie. This has gotta... This is almost like a movie.
9. ABAlonzo Bodden
  It- it's... If it, if it wasn't real...... it would be hilarious, you know?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
11. ABAlonzo Bodden
  And then the other thing is that the fact that like Lysol had to put out a thing like, "Not for int- internal use."
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
13. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Like, the, the idea that, that they know there are people so dumb that they're like, "We better tell them not to do this," right? (laughs)
14. JRJoe Rogan
  There's gotta be a few that thought about it. There has to be a few that thought about it.
15. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs)
16. JRJoe Rogan
  There was a thing that I tweeted, I, I, I pulled it down when someone, uh, Tim Pool, one of my guests, told me it was fake. Um, they were saying that they'd got way more calls because of, uh, poisoning from Lysol and disinfectants after Trump said that. But apparently the real truth is there's way more people using that stuff around the house because they're scared and they're cleaning everything up, and they've been coming in for a long time. It's not like it happened-
17. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  ... right after Trump said that. It was actually happening right after the lockdown.
19. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah, what I read-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  It's just exposure.
21. ABAlonzo Bodden
  ... it wasn't more people doing it, but they were calling to see like, "Hey, what would happen if..."
22. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
23. ABAlonzo Bodden
  You know, they were call- But, but this one is weird, and I was just reading about this.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
25. ABAlonzo Bodden
  There has been an increase in kids drinking hand sanitizer.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh!
27. ABAlonzo Bodden
  And they told the hand sanitizer people, "Stop making it smell good," because kids, you know, it's like this sweet-smelling-
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, God.
29. ABAlonzo Bodden
  And my only question is where the hell are the kids getting it? 'Cause I can't find any. I can't (laughs) ... Where are you getting this hand sanitizer you're drinking? But they said, all kidding aside, they said because it's alcohol, it's like poisoning them.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Someone was saying that the-
45:00 – 1:00:00
No, they just kill…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  bother eating 'em.
2. ABAlonzo Bodden
  No, they just kill it, just to stay in practice.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  It's like, "Why would I eat you when I can have cat food?"
4. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs)
5. JRJoe Rogan
  "I have a bowl of cat food. These dumb motherfuckers just leave it out for me." Like cats-
6. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah, they're trained-
7. JRJoe Rogan
  You don't even have to feed a cat at a certain time.
8. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Cats, cats, cats have trained humans perfectly.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
10. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Cats are like, "Listen, I, I could, but I have a human."
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
12. ABAlonzo Bodden
  "It will feed me, and I can totally ignore it." Like, like, dogs earn their food, you know what I mean? Dogs are like, "I protect the house," or, "I fetch," or, "I play with the kids," or this or that. Cats are like, "No, I will totally ignore this human, and they will feed me."
13. JRJoe Rogan
  It's just such a weird pet.
14. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs)
15. JRJoe Rogan
  And then what's weird is when people go deep with ... Like, I, I get when people have attack dogs. That makes sense. But I don't get the like servals and shit.
16. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  When people have those weird like half-
18. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah, like-
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Like they're, they're-
20. ABAlonzo Bodden
  You don't want a cat that could kill you.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
22. ABAlonzo Bodden
  'Cause it's-
23. JRJoe Rogan
  They're sort of domesticated. Half domesticated.
24. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs)
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Those serval, you ever heard of those things, when they're trying to feed 'em like chicken bones?
26. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah, they (growls) (laughs)
27. JRJoe Rogan
  They make these crazy noises. Like, fuck, man. That's in your house while you sleep?
28. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Do you have a dog?
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes.
30. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah.
1:00:00 – 1:06:55
No, the like, like,…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  REI? That kind of shit? (laughs)
2. ABAlonzo Bodden
  No, the like, like, uh-
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, outdoor. Like, outside malls.
4. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
6. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Those might still work, but, but even now they showed, like, store like Neiman Marcus about to go bankrupt, 'cause people like, like, "Wait a minute. You know what? I don't need clothes."
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Well-
8. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right?
9. JRJoe Rogan
  ... also, people are buying-
10. ABAlonzo Bodden
  You know-
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ... shit online.
12. ABAlonzo Bodden
  People are buying stuff online, but, but a lot of stuff, if you're like a, like Macy's, you don't sell anything that people need right now.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  No. Not if people are hurting.
14. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
16. ABAlonzo Bodden
  There's ... So, so-
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Hey, what's the amount of people buying new clothes right now?
18. ABAlonzo Bodden
  It makes it difficult to stay in business when you don't sell ... When everything you sell is basically a luxury or a pleasure thing, you know? Like, like-
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Like diamonds.
20. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right. Yeah, nobody's buying diamonds.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
22. ABAlonzo Bodden
  (laughs) Man. I haven't seen a Kay Jewelers commercial. (laughs)
23. JRJoe Rogan
  I ... I know, right? You don't see any of those engagement commercials now. Not right now.
24. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Right. There's nothing ... You know, it's so ... It's- it is gonna be interesting, because those companies-... have to survive this-
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Or don't they?
26. ABAlonzo Bodden
  ... and then get us out.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Look, the blockbuster's gone, bro.
28. ABAlonzo Bodden
  Yeah. That's true.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  You know, things change.
30. ABAlonzo Bodden
  That's true.

Episode duration: 3:07:30

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... one. Hello, Alonzo…

Although... And, you know,…

(laughs) …

No, they just kill…

No, the like, like,…

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