Joe Rogan Experience #1523 - Joey Diaz & Brian Redban

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (thumping sound) (snaps fingers) Whoo! Salud,…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      (thumping sound) (snaps fingers) Whoo! Salud, gentlemen. (glasses clinking)

   2. JDJoey Diaz0:05

      Salud. Happy birthday, my brother.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:07

      Thank you so much. Thank you for being here.

   4. JDJoey Diaz0:07

      To many more.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:08

      Thank you, Young Jamie. (glasses clinking)

   6. BRBrian Redban0:10

      Thanks, sweetie.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:10

      Thank you. Thank you all. Whoo. (sighs)

   8. JDJoey Diaz0:13

      Tremendous.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:14

      53 spins around the sun.

   10. JDJoey Diaz0:16

       I have not fucking had a drink the whole fucking-

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:19

       The whole COVID?

   12. JDJoey Diaz0:20

       ... the whole COVID. Not an- and, you know, and I didn't drink before that either, I don't think.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:23

       No, you weren't much of a drinker.

   14. JDJoey Diaz0:25

       It's fuck- every night I go home, I'm gonna have a make up 'cause that- the Heineken makes it light.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       Yeah.

   16. JDJoey Diaz0:29

       Five points.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:29

       Oh, yeah.

   18. JDJoey Diaz0:30

       Tremendous. The last-

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:31

       They make a double zero that actually tastes good.

   20. JDJoey Diaz0:33

       The last-

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       Zero alcohol, it's the be- they- Heineken has, for sure, the best non-alcoholic beer.

   22. JDJoey Diaz0:39

       Really?

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:39

       It tastes like fucking beer. Like, you're- you- if you were a alcoholic, you'd be like, "Oh, my God. I fucked up." Like s- you know how you have those- like, I like O'Doul's. They taste good, but it doesn't taste like beer. A cold O'Doul's is delicious. I like those non-alcoh- I do. Some people don't like 'em. I like 'em. Like, a cold one is really nice. But it- you know what you're doing. With the Heineken, they kinda trick you. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. They're doing some weird shit 'cause it tastes like- it tastes like beer.

   24. BRBrian Redban1:06

       Well, beer is like a taste kind of.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:08

       Yeah.

   26. BRBrian Redban1:08

       That's- that's why O'Doul's work. It's kind of like s- that smoke juice you put in meat. Like, "Oh, that's the s- taste of smoke."

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:14

       Right, or like watermelon gum.

   28. BRBrian Redban1:15

       Yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:15

       That shit don't taste like watermelon.

   30. BRBrian Redban1:17

       Nah, but still good. (laughs)
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Burbank ain't bad right…

   1. JDJoey Diaz15:00

      why we're leaving, why we're leaving, that's why. And the other thing that bothered me was the no school.

   2. BRBrian Redban15:06

      Burbank ain't bad right now. The, you know, like, they don't, like, they, they, there-

   3. JDJoey Diaz15:08

      Burbank ain't bad. Burbank e- but the sh-

   4. BRBrian Redban15:10

      You're homeless for 24 hours there, and then you disappear.

   5. JDJoey Diaz15:12

      Let me tell you something about Burbank, Joe. Burbank, every time I go, I, I go to Burbank just to look around. I got friends that live in Burbank. I go to two areas in Burbank. I go down Magnolia to Victory, by Alberto's, and I see that street is getting very eerie. Like, when you go on that street, you feel two things are coming, an earthquake... Every time I'm on Magnolia, I think of an earthquake. Like, this, this is good earthquake weather, for some reason, by the Donut Hut.

   6. BRBrian Redban15:41

      Mm.

   7. JDJoey Diaz15:42

      And then you see those people lining up for guns. There's three stores in a row called Joe Rogan.

   8. BRBrian Redban15:46

      Oh, there's three of them right, right around me, yeah.

   9. JDJoey Diaz15:48

      Joe Rogan. It's crazy. They're, there every day.

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:50

       I was driving, I was driving the other day, 9:30 in the morning. There was a big line in front of, uh, Peterson's, trying to buy r- guns.

   11. BRBrian Redban15:55

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:56

       You know?

   13. BRBrian Redban15:57

       Yeah, it's crazy, uh, I follow all the gun shops around me, and they all have Instagrams, of course, and they show all the guns that got in for the day. And I'm like, "Oh, you know, I might, I might get one of those." And then, like, an hour later, it's sold out like shoes. Like, there's a line constantly on all three of those gun stores.

   14. JDJoey Diaz16:11

       How fucking sad is that?

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:13

       Well, this is what, this is what-

   16. JDJoey Diaz16:14

       This is what bothers me.

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:14

       ... what's sad. What's sad is, I mean, we, now we know. We didn't have a plan if everything went sideways like this, and you can't... Like, governors and mayors, it's their fault, right? But it's not their fault, because really, get... That fucking job is a ridiculous job in a pandemic. Like, all of a sudden, there's a new problem that's presented with you. You don't have the resources to fix it. People are not gonna listen. They're gonna wanna party, they're gonna wanna still go out, they're gonna do... And you're in this situation where, you know, a, a large percentage, uh, it didn't turn out to be as bad as we thought it was, but they thought it was gonna be a large percentage of our population could possibly die. And you don't have the resources, and what do you do? And governors, even though they, they are in that position, they're in that position 'cause they got elected. They're not in that position 'cause they passed a battery of tests and show that they know exactly how to respond in any given circumstance. They were charismatic. They had the right money behind them. They said the right things. They backed the right bills. And then you become a mayor, and then you become a governor. But it doesn't mean you know what to do if things go sideways and no one knows what to do. And the fact that they were always getting those checks, they're always getting those checks. No matter what happened, no matter what shut down, they kept getting those government checks. And they told all these other people they couldn't work. Like, you can't... That's not a plan. That's not a sustainable plan. You can't tell people, "You can't work, but I'm gonna keep getting paid, and I'm gonna tell you when you can go back to work again." Because people are gonna go, "Fuck you." Like, you can't just keep everything shut down for five months. That is California. I, I don't know what the proper response would have been. I don't know. But this wasn't it. This is, wasn't the best case scenario. And again, not a fucking word about your health. Not a word about taking vitamin D. Not a word about exercise. Not a word about drink water. Not a word about cut out sugar. Not a word about, "Use this as an opportunity to lose weight. We have to up our metabolic health. We have to be... We have to take vitamins. We have to be better about our health." Not one word! Everything's, "Wear a mask," and, "You can't do this," and, "You can't do that. Don't open this and don't open that."And look, they weren't prepared. That's all it is. They're not bad people. Like, people think that they wanted to sabotage the, the state or sabotage the city. I'm sure Garcetti and Newsom are nice guys. They, they probably are fine to hang out with. The, the problem was nobody was ready. Nobody knew what the fuck this was.

   18. JDJoey Diaz18:29

       I can't hang out with Garcetti.

   19. JRJoe Rogan18:31

       (laughs)

   20. JDJoey Diaz18:32

       (laughs)

   21. He says, he says Los Angelinos too much. Leave it alone, all right?

   22. JRJoe Rogan18:35

       No, he's just, Angelenos.

   23. JDJoey Diaz18:35

       Angelinos.

   24. JRJoe Rogan18:36

       (laughs)

   25. JDJoey Diaz18:36

       He drives me fucking crazy. Newsom, Newsom looks like you could smoke a joint with him-

   26. JRJoe Rogan18:40

       Maybe.

   27. JDJoey Diaz18:41

       ... and talk to him and he'll go, "You're right. I fucked up." But Garcetti's too... What about the fucking DA's husband is getting charged with assault because-

   28. JRJoe Rogan18:51

       What? When happened?

   29. JDJoey Diaz18:52

       Jackie Lacey's husband is getting charged with a misdemeanor assault because when they went to his house to protest, that brother pulled out a piece.

   30. Did he really?
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   (laughs) …

   1. JDJoey Diaz30:00

      And then, uh, I don't watch Jeopardy or Game of Fortune.

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:02

      (laughs)

   3. JDJoey Diaz30:02

      That shit fucks me up because it makes me feel too old. Remember when I'd call for you? I'd call for you at 7:15.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:09

      Yeah.

   5. JDJoey Diaz30:10

      (Knocks on table) "Who is it?" "It's Joey. I'm here to call for Joe." "Hold on one second. Come in." "How you doing, Mrs. Rogan?" "How you doing, Joey? Mrs. Rogan, shh, shh, hold on." And she's watching Jeopardy.So, when I was a kid, if you watched Jeopardy, you were an old person.

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:22

      (laughs)

   7. JDJoey Diaz30:23

      So, every time Jeopardy comes on now, I get pissed off.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:25

      (laughs)

   9. JDJoey Diaz30:25

      I'm like, "What the fuck am I doing home?"

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:27

       (laughs)

   11. JDJoey Diaz30:27

       Because when Jeopardy comes on at 7 o'clock, you and I are getting ready to go on stage.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:31

       That's a good show though. That's a good show.

   13. JDJoey Diaz30:33

       I know it's a good show. I'm, I don't, I, I get like one answer per show.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:37

       Right? (laughs)

   15. JDJoey Diaz30:37

       It doesn't matter. Yeah, I'm a dumb fuck. But, what I'm saying to you is, for the last 30 years, you and I at 7 o'clock, a certain adrenaline goes into our body. And Red Band included.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:49

       You mean get ready to perform?

   17. JDJoey Diaz30:50

       Get ready to perform.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:51

       Yeah, for sure.

   19. JDJoey Diaz30:53

       At 7 o'clock something would happen to me that it would change. I'd go from being a dad, husband-

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:58

       Get ramped up.

   21. JDJoey Diaz30:59

       ... and all that shit-

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:00

       Talk getting ramped up.

   23. JDJoey Diaz31:00

       ... to being a murderer. (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:01

       Yeah.

   25. JDJoey Diaz31:01

       I'm going down to The Comedy Store.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:03

       Yeah. Yeah.

   27. JDJoey Diaz31:03

       I gotta go sharpen the sword. You get what I'm saying? 7 o'clock you start thinking about new things, you know, the toilet paper-

   28. JRJoe Rogan31:11

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz31:11

       ... fucking, you know, all this shit. You write it down, you take a shower.

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:17

       (laughs)
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   It's Sante. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      hands with.

   2. BRBrian Redban45:00

      It's Sante.

   3. JDJoey Diaz45:00

      Go down with, down.

   4. BRBrian Redban45:01

      I should show it when I go here.

   5. JDJoey Diaz45:02

      That's no Armand Assante, that guy.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:04

      Yeah, that's Sante.

   7. BRBrian Redban45:05

      No, it's not showing his name. I don't know why. I'll find it, I'll find it.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:08

      Okay.

   9. JDJoey Diaz45:09

      He, he came to this store one-

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:10

       That's a bold move. Look at the half-cropped shirt.

   11. BRBrian Redban45:12

       Yeah, you need a move that.

   12. JDJoey Diaz45:12

       He came to this store one night. He played Mickey Rourke's brother in this movie.

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:16

       Bullet.

   14. JDJoey Diaz45:17

       And the other thing was that he was married to Traci Lords.

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:22

       Mm-hmm.

   16. JDJoey Diaz45:23

       John Enos, that good-looking motherfucker.

   17. BRBrian Redban45:27

       (laughs)

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:28

       Jesus.

   19. JDJoey Diaz45:28

       Well, he ain't that good-looking no more, but in this movie, you would suck his dick.

   20. BRBrian Redban45:33

       (laughs)

   21. JDJoey Diaz45:34

       He was fucking-

   22. JRJoe Rogan45:34

       Back in '96.

   23. JDJoey Diaz45:35

       Yeah, he was fucking smoking. He was very, very good-looking.

   24. JRJoe Rogan45:38

       This is, is a strange movie.

   25. BRBrian Redban45:40

       Really, it's dangerous.

   26. JRJoe Rogan45:41

       Very strange movie. Is that that dude ... Who ... Is that that guy Ben, the guy who was driving the car? What the fuck's his-

   27. BRBrian Redban45:47

       No, it was Brody.

   28. JDJoey Diaz45:47

       He won an Academy Award years later.

   29. JRJoe Rogan45:48

       A- And, it's Adrien Brody?

   30. JDJoey Diaz45:49

       Yeah.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:09:34

   Who? …

   1. JDJoey Diaz1:00:00

      in Edgewater?

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      Who?

   3. JDJoey Diaz1:00:01

      Name a rapper.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:02

      Jay-Z?

   5. JDJoey Diaz1:00:04

      Name a rapper.

   6. BRBrian Redban1:00:05

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      He lives there?

   8. JDJoey Diaz1:00:05

      Ice-T.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:06

      Really?

   10. JDJoey Diaz1:00:07

       Nu- Naughty By Nature.

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:08

       Ice-T does not-

   12. JDJoey Diaz1:00:09

       All the Knicks, all the Nets.

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:12

       ... cop shows still.

   14. JDJoey Diaz1:00:12

       All the baseball players live in Edgewater.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:00:14

       Ah.

   16. JDJoey Diaz1:00:15

       So it's right above Edgewater. All that Hudson County, Hoboken, where Gino's a cop and all that-

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:00:20

       Oh, okay.

   18. JDJoey Diaz1:00:20

       ... that's Hudson County.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

       Okay.

   20. JDJoey Diaz1:00:21

       They play by their own rules, G. They do it a different way. And you gotta pick a side. You gotta pick a side, and if you don't pick a side and that side loses? Boom, you gotta live in that hometown to work in that hometown.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:00:32

       Oh, no. And then they, they fuck with you.

   22. JDJoey Diaz1:00:35

       They... Yeah, it's a whole-

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:00:36

       You went with the wrong side.

   24. JDJoey Diaz1:00:37

       But it's tremendous. It's a way to keep-

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:00:39

       (sighs)

   26. JDJoey Diaz1:00:39

       ... everybody in line. Everybody knows where they stand. Once you go, you go.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:00:44

       Those guys that put their hand on the back of your neck, those guys that tell you...

   28. BRBrian Redban1:00:49

       Oh yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:00:49

       "This is, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna do this, okay?" And they're holding the back of your neck and you're like, "What kind of conversation is this? Like, you're not squeezing my neck yet, but it seems like..."What happens if I don't vote for this guy? (laughs)

   30. JDJoey Diaz1:01:01

       Bro, one of the most interesting ones that you've never watched, but you should read about, I think Jamie has watched, is season two of Narcos, when they rig the election in Mexico. And they try to do it with a computer and they get busted, and then they actually just sent narcos to the fucking voting stations. They put a gun to your head and go, "Put another zero next to that number."

Episode duration: 3:31:49