Joe Rogan Experience #1528 - Nikki Glaser

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   Three, two, one. Hello,…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      Three, two, one. Hello, Nikki.

   2. NGNikki Glaser0:02

      (laughs) Hello, Joe Rogan.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      So, I saw your tweet. This is how this all came about.

   4. NGNikki Glaser0:06

      (laughs)

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      And you said, uh, y- you were gonna shave your head in solidarity for a friend who has cancer.

   6. NGNikki Glaser0:11

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:11

      And then you were like, "Actually, there was no friend."

   8. NGNikki Glaser0:13

      Yeah. (laughs)

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:13

      And I was like, "Oh, no."

   10. NGNikki Glaser0:14

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:15

       Nikki's going crazy.

   12. NGNikki Glaser0:16

       (laughs) Yeah, I'm going off the fucking deep end-

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:18

       Well-

   14. NGNikki Glaser0:18

       ... is what I was, said, yes.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:20

       ... the pro- I think we all are, and I try, I've been trying to, like, check in on everybody because all of us comedians have not had our medicine. You know?

   16. NGNikki Glaser0:29

       That's a good point.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:30

       This is, like, we're junkies.

   18. NGNikki Glaser0:32

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:32

       We're laugh junkies, we really are.

   20. NGNikki Glaser0:35

       Mm-hmm.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       You know? And I didn't realize how much, I mean, I knew I missed it, but I did one weekend in Houston, like a month or s- month or so ago.

   22. NGNikki Glaser0:42

       Mm-hmm.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:43

       And then right, right away I was like, "Oh my God, I got my fix." Like, I'm-

   24. NGNikki Glaser0:46

       I know.

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:46

       ... and then, uh, you know, talking to all these people that are doing, like, Mark Norm's doing shows in a park.

   26. NGNikki Glaser0:52

       Yep.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:52

       You know, Bert Kreischer's doing drive-ins, like-

   28. NGNikki Glaser0:54

       I'm doing them too.

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:55

       Are you?

   30. NGNikki Glaser0:56

       Yeah, I'm going out next weekend.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   I think no. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      aren't viable. They don't become a separate species. That's the thing about, like, donkeys. Like, a donkey ... Is it a d- which one's the ... Is it a mule has sex with a horse and that creates a donkey, or is it a m- a horse has sex with a donkey and that creates a mule? I think it's a mule has sex with a horse and creates a donkey. But donkeys are-

   2. NGNikki Glaser15:20

      I think no.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:20

      ... sterile. They're sterile. Most hybrids are sterile. The difference between a donk- Okay, uh, donkeys are a different species than horse, same family. Mules, on the other hand, are a cross between a horse and a donkey. Okay, that's it. So it's a mule-

   4. NGNikki Glaser15:32

      Okay.

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:32

      ... is a cross between a horse and a donkey. But they're not ... They're sterile. They don't breed. So-

   6. NGNikki Glaser15:38

      So why even have a mule?

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:40

      Because-

   8. NGNikki Glaser15:41

      Why do we need it?

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:42

      Because they're better for riding.

   10. NGNikki Glaser15:44

       Okay.

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:45

       Um, they're, they're, they're more durable. Like in the Wild West, they liked to, uh, cross those two, and then people would ... Like a lot of the cowboys from the Wild West, like, uh, even some of the Texas rangers, they, they rolled o- they rode mules.

   12. NGNikki Glaser15:58

       Okay.

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:58

       Which ... So the donkey and the horse is what bred, that we just figured out?

   14. NGNikki Glaser16:00

       So they are viable to, to ride and to be a b- better transport, but-

   15. JRJoe Rogan16:07

       You, uh ... Hold, hold on a second. Which w- How does it ... Where ... Go back to where ... Which one is it again? The horse and d- Okay, horse and a donkey makes a mule. Yeah.

   16. NGNikki Glaser16:17

       Okay.

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:17

       So mules are more durable than horses. They require less water. They can last longer. Mules gets its athletic ability from a horse and its intelligence from a donkey. So mules were, were what a lot of these Wild West guys would prefer, actually.

   18. NGNikki Glaser16:35

       Okay.

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:36

       Uh, mules have smoother muscles than horses. Think of a football player's muscle build compared to that of a ballerina's. Both are very strong, but a mule has greater physical strength for its size and more endurance. A mule gets its athletic ability from its horse and intelligence from a donkey. Yeah.

   20. NGNikki Glaser16:51

       Well, let's just get rid of horses and donkeys. Mules sound like they're the best of both.

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:55

       Problem is you can only make a mule with a horse and a donkey.

   22. NGNikki Glaser16:59

       Oh, because mules can't have sex with each other.

   23. JRJoe Rogan17:00

       They can't breed, right. But we can, which is weird.

   24. NGNikki Glaser17:03

       We can have sex with mules?

   25. JRJoe Rogan17:04

       Yes. Well, no.

   26. NGNikki Glaser17:05

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan17:05

       But we can have sex with each other.

   28. NGNikki Glaser17:07

       (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:07

       Like, you know, we can have sex with people that don't look anything like us.

   30. NGNikki Glaser17:10

       Yes, and make something that can have sex.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Yeah. …

   1. NGNikki Glaser30:00

      had his nose exposed and I just am like, "Hey, can you... You pull it up over your nose. It's the only way it works." Like, do I really have to ... You haven't seen that meme yet?

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:07

      Yeah.

   3. NGNikki Glaser30:07

      With the guy with his dick out? Like, how has that not gotten to you that that's how-

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:10

      Yeah.

   5. NGNikki Glaser30:10

      ... you wear a mask?

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:11

      Yeah.

   7. NGNikki Glaser30:11

      People just ... It's, it's ... I don't know. I, I ... E- everyone I'm, I'm staying, uh, in Marina Del Rey, everyone walking outside is wearing a mask, which I think is a little much, just, like, walking down the sidewalk. We're-

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:23

      You don't need it when it's sunny out. They, they w-

   9. NGNikki Glaser30:25

      What?

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:26

       Yeah. The s- the disease, the virus dies instantly in, when it's exposed to sunlight.

   11. NGNikki Glaser30:32

       Okay. What? Why-

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:33

       Yeah.

   13. NGNikki Glaser30:33

       ... are ... Why don't we know that, Joe?

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:35

       I don't know, but, uh, Bret Weinstein, who's a biologist, sent me this paper where they showed that it dies instantly in ... when it's in ... or almost instantly when it's in contact with, uh, fake sunlight, like, uh, ultraviolet light-

   15. NGNikki Glaser30:50

       Okay.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:50

       ... and also, also actual sunlight, so when you're in sunlight. Like, you're ... If you're outside, like, you're ... That's why the closing the beach is so fucking stupid. Like, it's sunny. Like, you're not at risk. As long as you're not, like-

   17. NGNikki Glaser31:01

       Right.

   18. JRJoe Rogan31:01

       ... in someone's face, you're not gonna get it.

   19. NGNikki Glaser31:03

       And did they see a spike after the protests?

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:06

       Yes.

   21. NGNikki Glaser31:06

       Uh, after all the-

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:07

       For sure.

   23. NGNikki Glaser31:07

       That was ... There was a spike-

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:08

       100%.

   25. NGNikki Glaser31:09

       ... after that.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:09

       It has to be. It's a goddamn-

   27. NGNikki Glaser31:10

       But that wasn't the sunlight outside.

   28. JRJoe Rogan31:12

       What? Do, do they stop as soon as it turns dark out?

   29. NGNikki Glaser31:16

       No, that's true.

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:17

       Of course not.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Oh. …

   1. NGNikki Glaser45:00

      I would really like to see you again. Like, I really liked hanging out with you. I'd love to take you out sometime." And I was like, "Hey, I just don't think I'm in a point in my life where I wanna be dating right now." And he goes, "Well, can we just meet up to get a picture?" (laughs)

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:10

      Oh.

   3. NGNikki Glaser45:12

      So, it happens.

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:13

      Ew.

   5. NGNikki Glaser45:14

      It happens a lot. It happens-

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:16

      (laughs) Can we meet up just to get a picture? (laughs)

   7. NGNikki Glaser45:18

      So now-

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:18

      I just wanna let everybody know I know you.

   9. NGNikki Glaser45:21

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:21

       Ooh.

   11. NGNikki Glaser45:22

       Or, and then, and then this, what I see is him getting that picture and then going back to, like, show the girls that he really wants to bang that are, that are his age at some party, and he's like, "Oh, I got a picture with Nikki Glaser." And they're like, "We don't know who she is. What is she like?" "Ew, she's like 36." And then they all make fun of me and that's, like, the, that's the-

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:38

       Oh, no.

   13. NGNikki Glaser45:38

       ... thing I have in my head.

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:40

       Oh, no.

   15. NGNikki Glaser45:40

       And I watched her special, it wasn't even funny.

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:42

       (laughs)

   17. NGNikki Glaser45:42

       And I was like, that's, I just see them all making fun of me, and like, how pathetic that I am that I've, like, fucked a younger kid.

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:49

       (laughs)

   19. NGNikki Glaser45:50

       I go, I shouldn't say the word kid, but like-

   20. JRJoe Rogan45:52

       How old was he?

   21. NGNikki Glaser45:52

       I think he's like 25.

   22. JRJoe Rogan45:54

       That's not that bad.

   23. NGNikki Glaser45:55

       No, he can rent a car.

   24. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       For a guy that's standard. A 36-

   25. NGNikki Glaser45:58

       He's going to love that I'm talking about him, so I really wanna change the subject.

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:01

       Shit.

   27. NGNikki Glaser46:01

       Ugh.

   28. JRJoe Rogan46:02

       Ah!

   29. NGNikki Glaser46:03

       Isn't that the, that's the worst part, to talk about these people then they then, they're so exci-... I'm gonna get a text-

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:08

       (laughs)
5. 1:00:00 – 1:03:55

   That is the thing.…

   1. NGNikki Glaser1:00:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      That is the thing.

   3. NGNikki Glaser1:00:00

      I'm on, um ...

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:02

      Raya's a, an, a dating app-

   5. NGNikki Glaser1:00:03

      The celebrity dating app.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:04

      ... for celebrities, right?

   7. NGNikki Glaser1:00:04

      Mm-hmm. I like a blue check mark, and it's not because I like guys that are famous because they're famous and I wanna be famous. It has nothing to d- maybe it has, like, a little bit to do with that. I'm not gonna say it has nothing to do with that. Yeah, the, there's something hot about a guy being extremely successful and other people thinking that he's cool. Okay, yes, I'll give you that. I think it's because I get, I can, I can know them before I go into the date.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:28

      Right.

   9. NGNikki Glaser1:00:28

      I can watch their stuff. I, I feel like I'm already acquainted with them. That's why I like a blue check mark. It validate, it, like I can get to know you before I go on a date. I don't like going into these things blind. So that's-

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:40

       I get it.

   11. NGNikki Glaser1:00:40

       ... that's why I like a blue check. But there's no one in St. Louis that's on the goddamn app, and um-

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:45

       No one?

   13. NGNikki Glaser1:00:46

       No.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:46

       Not one person?

   15. NGNikki Glaser1:00:48

       Um, n- really, honestly, no.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:50

       Wow.

   17. NGNikki Glaser1:00:50

       There's no one in St. Louis on them.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:52

       Where are they all, New York and LA?

   19. NGNikki Glaser1:00:53

       Yeah.... or, like, Stockholm. I mean, it's all over the globe. They, they, they're-

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:00:57

       Oh.

   21. NGNikki Glaser1:00:57

       ... uh, it's, it's global.

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:00:58

       Oh.

   23. NGNikki Glaser1:00:58

       And so I'm connecting with some guys on that. And, and when I come to t- ... And then I just always get so busy when I come here, I don't wanna go on a first date with someone. I just wanna hang out with my friends that I haven't seen in forever.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:01:07

       Yeah, I've been, I've been into this book lately. It's called, uh, Irresistible. It's about, uh, addictions.

   25. NGNikki Glaser1:01:11

       I just downloaded it-

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:12

       Did you?

   27. NGNikki Glaser1:01:12

       ... because I saw you recommend it. And, oh my God.

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:15

       That's heavy, right?

   29. NGNikki Glaser1:01:16

       Y- yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:17

       Go-

Episode duration: 2:32:52