Joe Rogan Experience #1587 - Mark Normand

Mark Normand is a stand-up comedian, actor, and co-host of the Tuesdays with Stories! podcast with Joe List. His latest comedy special, Out to Lunch, is available now.

Mark NormandguestJoe Roganhost

Jun 27, 20243h 1mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,033 words

0:00 – 15:00
(drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast,…
1. NANarrator
  (drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
2. NANarrator
  The Joe Rogan Experience.
3. NANarrator
  Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (rock music) Good morning, man. How are you?
4. MNMark Normand
  Hey, hey. Good to be here.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  But you in Texas.
6. MNMark Normand
  I know, I feel good. I got tested, I feel great.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes, you're clean, you're clean of cooties.
8. MNMark Normand
  I've got to be honest, I'm shocked. I thought I'd been super spreading for weeks.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
10. MNMark Normand
  I just felt like that in my body, like, "Ah, I must be hurting people."
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, there's a wave going through New York right now.
12. MNMark Normand
  Oh, yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  A lot of comics got it.
14. MNMark Normand
  Everybody's got it. I don't want to say names. I don't know what's out, but holy shit.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. I don't know what's out either.
16. MNMark Normand
  And it was all, it got all the funny ones, too.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm-hmm.
18. MNMark Normand
  It wasn't like, the hacks didn't die. And it's just like real comics, you know, they get Patrice, they get Mitch Hedberg, they get Geraldo. Same with corona.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. Well, you know, the one, those are the ones that are hanging out.
20. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, good point.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  You know?
22. MNMark Normand
  Funny people hang out with funny people.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. That, that is a, like when a comic stops hanging out with comics, never turns out well.
24. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  When they kind of alienate themselves-
26. MNMark Normand
  Ooh, good point.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  ... from other comics. You, you've noticed, right?
28. MNMark Normand
  Good point. And-
29. JRJoe Rogan
  They get weird.
30. MNMark Normand
  And we don't care about scandals or anything. If you're funny, we'll still hang out with you.
15:00 – 30:00
Woo, damn. …
1. JRJoe Rogan
  He wants $5.2 million a year.
2. MNMark Normand
  Woo, damn.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  A year!
4. MNMark Normand
  This guy is-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  A year. He also requested Clarkson cover two million dollars in attorney's fees. Oh my God.
6. MNMark Normand
  Wow.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh my God. That's insane.
8. MNMark Normand
  (laughs) This guy is killing it.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  That's insane.
10. MNMark Normand
  Blackstock.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  But here's the thing, the difference-
12. MNMark Normand
  That's good American stock.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  There's a, there's a great difference. Seven-year marriage, that's great.
14. NANarrator
  A year.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, but here's the ... Is he taking care of the children?
16. MNMark Normand
  Ah-ha.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Do they have children together?
18. MNMark Normand
  That is the question.
19. NANarrator
  Well, 135 of the 436 was for child support.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  He needs child support money from her.
21. NANarrator
  On top of the 301 in spousal support.
22. MNMark Normand
  Well, she's probably on the road a lot, you know? She's a singer.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Was he like the manager or some shit? Was it one of those deals?
24. NANarrator
  Uh.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  'Cause those deals get real tricky.
26. MNMark Normand
  Mm-hmm.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  When the, the man becomes the manager and then it's very difficult for the woman to get away from the manager. That's like-
28. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  ... in boyfriend-girlfriend deals where the girlfriend's a singer, or in husband-wife when the-
30. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, or the dad.
30:00 – 45:00
(laughs) …
1. MNMark Normand
  and I was the middle act. Host killed, I bombed, headliner annihilated, and I was shitting. It was at the Denver Comedy Works. This is years ago. I was shitting, and I was in the stall, and I heard two guys washing their hands and one of them goes, "How about that host, huh?" And he goes, "Oh man, so funny." And he goes, "How about the headliner?" And he was like, "Oh, unbelievable." And they go, he goes, "What'd you think of the middle guy?" And I was like, "Oh," you know, my pants are down, the most vulnerable position. And I went, "I thought he was pretty good."
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
3. MNMark Normand
  And they went, "Ah, he sucked. He sucked." And then they left and I was like, "Oh, I did suck." Crushed me.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. MNMark Normand
  Crushed me. I'll never forget that.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  But if you don't experience that bad feeling, you're not gonna work hard enough to keep going.
7. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, yeah.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  If you just, if you just take that and you say, "That audience was filled with assholes."
9. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, there's a lot of that.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  "And it was..." Yeah.... they didn't respect me.
11. MNMark Normand
  They don't get me.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  They don't get me. They wanna hear dumb comedy.
13. MNMark Normand
  (laughs) Right.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  They wanna hear stupid jokes.
15. MNMark Normand
  They're alt-right.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. There's something about them that's wrong. It's not me.
17. MNMark Normand
  Right, right.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  That's what people do. They... Look, man, people do that in relationships, they do that in-
19. MNMark Normand
  Yes.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  ... friendships, they do that at work.
21. MNMark Normand
  A lot of blaming.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Look, there's a lot of people that get fired from their job and then they just wanna say, like, you know, "I was discriminated against." They don't like, "No, no, no, they didn't like you."
23. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, that's it.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  "They don't want you in the office."
25. MNMark Normand
  That's it. You know, you remember the guy who used to go up to a girl and hit on her and she'd go, "No, thanks," and he'd go, "Fucking dyke." (laughs) You're like, "Maybe she just doesn't like you." Like every girl's gotta wanna fuck you.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a dark thing when you see that for men.
27. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  I think that, again, comes from the same kinda thing that we were talking about with comedy, that a lot of people in their head, they don't think about how lucky they are to be a comic. They think of, like, "How fucking just it's so filled my life with frustration and fuck. And it's because of these fucks and that fuck-"
29. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  "... and I didn't get where I wanted to be because of fucks like you-
45:00 – 1:00:00
Here's the problem with…
1. MNMark Normand
  that's what she's putting out there, so what do I do here?"
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Here's the problem with feminism.
3. MNMark Normand
  Oh, boy.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  The ... This is, this is a problem.
5. MNMark Normand
  Okay.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a woman too.
7. MNMark Normand
  Mm-hmm.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  That's her choice. That's, that's her choice to do it. No man is looking at bodybuilders and, and, and saying ... Like, a guy who's, like, got big muscles and lifts weights online, no man is looking at him and saying, "What you're doing is bad for masculinity."
9. MNMark Normand
  Right, right.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  "What you're doing is bad for men."
11. MNMark Normand
  We don't give a shit.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, we don't care.
13. MNMark Normand
  I'm trying to get my stuff going.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  If you're ... If you got ... If you have, like, uh, CrossFit exercises on your Instagram page, and you're doing cleans and presses and ... M- men don't look at that and going, "Oh, you're getting attention for that?"
15. MNMark Normand
  (laughs)
16. JRJoe Rogan
  "You know how bad that is-"
17. MNMark Normand
  It's true.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  "... for masculinity?"
19. MNMark Normand
  Right.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  "You know how bad that is for the opinion that women have of us?" They already look at us like we're meathead idiots.
21. MNMark Normand
  Right.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  And this is what you're gonna fill your page with? Squats?"
23. MNMark Normand
  (laughs)
24. JRJoe Rogan
  "Really?"
25. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  "Really? Do better."
27. MNMark Normand
  Right. (laughs) Yeah, I hate the "Do better."
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
29. MNMark Normand
  But, yeah, that's true. "The future is female." Well, tell that to Ellen Page.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  It goes back to that, uh ... Yeah, well, it's Elliott, you dead-naming piece of shit.
1:00:00 – 1:03:36
This is ... They've…
1. JRJoe Rogan
2. NANarrator
  This is ... They've been around since the 1890s.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Ah.
4. MNMark Normand
  What?
5. NANarrator
  And the first butt implant was 1969.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  What?
7. NANarrator
  Yeah.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  What?
9. NANarrator
  Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  The 1890s?
11. NANarrator
  I'm gonna look it up.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  There was this one dude who won Fear Factor.
13. MNMark Normand
  Mm-hmm.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  And, uh, he, uh, was, uh, torturing this other guy that was, uh, competing against him. And the other guy, uh ... I, I don't know if he was really homophobic or they were just joking around. I don't know.
15. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  But anyway, at the end, the end of the show, the dude said he ... He told the other guy he was gonna spend all the money on butt implants. (laughs) 'Cause the g- the gay guy won.
17. MNMark Normand
  (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  And he told him, he goes, "I'm gonna get my butt implanted now."
19. MNMark Normand
  Wow.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  And you could see the guy just defeated.
21. MNMark Normand
  (laughs)
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Just thinking, "G- I would have had so many good uses for that money."
23. MNMark Normand
  Right.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  "Now this guy's just gonna get his butt bigger."
25. MNMark Normand
  Oh, what an idiot.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
27. MNMark Normand
  Also, wouldn't you ... If he was a bottom, wouldn't that hurt the ... He'd lose some inches.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Maybe he's not a bottom.
29. MNMark Normand
  Oh, there you go.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Maybe he's, uh, just likes to have a lot of pushing for the cushion.

Episode duration: 3:01:29

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(drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast,…

Woo, damn. …

(laughs) …

Here's the problem with…

This is ... They've…

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