Joe Rogan Experience #1632 - Tom Segura

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drumming) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drumming) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (rock music plays) Hello, Tommy Bunz.

   4. TSTom Segura0:16

      Hello, Joseph.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:17

      Welcome to the new studio.

   6. TSTom Segura0:18

      I love it.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:18

      You are guest number uno.

   8. TSTom Segura0:20

      This is a great look, man.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:21

      Thanks, buddy.

   10. TSTom Segura0:22

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:23

       I mixed it up.

   12. TSTom Segura0:23

       It's brighter.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:24

       So, like a little bit of the old.

   14. TSTom Segura0:26

       Yeah.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:26

       A little new.

   16. TSTom Segura0:28

       Some aliens here.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:29

       Little bit of alien shit. This might be annoying, my name behind me.

   18. TSTom Segura0:32

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:32

       Might be annoying. It looks cool-

   20. TSTom Segura0:33

       It does look cool.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       ... but it might not be the right spot for it.

   22. TSTom Segura0:35

       Yeah, it does-

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:36

       We'll figure that out.

   24. TSTom Segura0:36

       It does look cool.

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:37

       It's a little odd, though. Like-

   26. TSTom Segura0:38

       Yeah. Well, not really.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:39

       Me and then a big neon thing of my name right behind me.

   28. TSTom Segura0:43

       I sense you're gonna move that.

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:43

       It's a little obnoxious.

   30. TSTom Segura0:45

       Okay. (laughs)
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      the BME Pain Olympics.

   2. TSTom Segura15:01

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:01

      You ever seen that one?

   4. TSTom Segura15:03

      Uh, I've heard that... Yeah. That was, um, was that early 2000s?

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:07

      Yeah.

   6. TSTom Segura15:07

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:07

      It's all, like, dudes cutting their balls off.

   8. TSTom Segura15:09

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:10

      And opening their sack up and pulling their nuts out.

   10. TSTom Segura15:12

       There was, there was something like that.

   11. NANarrator15:13

       A challenge for you and Bert.

   12. TSTom Segura15:14

       (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:14

       Cutting the tips of their fingers off.

   14. TSTom Segura15:16

       This dude had, like, split the tip of his dick in half-

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:19

       (laughs)

   16. TSTom Segura15:19

       ... and had, like, a bar in there and, like, rope wrapped around. It was rough, man. But this guy operating on his eye, um, himself.

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:28

       Yeah. Why?

   18. TSTom Segura15:29

       Uh, yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan15:30

       What he doing?

   20. TSTom Segura15:31

       I don't know, man.

   21. JRJoe Rogan15:32

       Why did he do that? Did he have other options, or-

   22. TSTom Segura15:34

       He was speaking in Russian the whole time.

   23. JRJoe Rogan15:35

       Oh.

   24. TSTom Segura15:35

       So... But he was, like, he was so calm. And was, like, you know, just injecting in his eye.

   25. JRJoe Rogan15:40

       Maybe if my friend Lex could translate it.

   26. TSTom Segura15:42

       Yeah.

   27. JRJoe Rogan15:43

       He can find out.

   28. TSTom Segura15:43

       I'm sure he could.

   29. JRJoe Rogan15:43

       Yeah, find out.

   30. TSTom Segura15:44

       And this dude was, like, dirty hands.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   So they wanted you…

   1. TSTom Segura30:00

      like, "Well, who would have, like, a nice watch?" I'm like, "A lot of people. Have y- do you not... Have you not seen watches before?" Like, they're, they were like, "Yeah, but that's too nice of a watch, like, for the thing." And I was like, "Why is it... What are you talking about?" Like, that was the conversation. I was like, "No." So I kept leaving it in drafts, you know? And they were like... They would say, "Di- aren't you supposed to take that out?" And I was like, "I'm not taking it out."... people have watches. What are we, what are we talking about? It was a contr-

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:21

      So they wanted you to take a scene out because someone had a watch that was nice?

   3. TSTom Segura30:25

      And they were like, and, and they were like, "It's too nice of a watch." And I was like, "No, it's not." And they were like, "Yeah, the, people won't relate to it." I'm like, "What are you talking about? There's a whole fucking nice watch industry." A lot of... People know that there are nice watch... And they were just like... But it was like, that was their contribu- it wasn't even... You know what I mean? Like-

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:41

      Right.

   5. TSTom Segura30:41

      ... that was the contribution from the executive.

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:43

      Well, there's a thing about a lot of-

   7. TSTom Segura30:44

      I was like, "What?"

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:44

      ... the sitcoms where they're always trying to bring it down to the everyman level.

   9. TSTom Segura30:48

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:48

       Like, dumb it down or-

   11. TSTom Segura30:49

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:50

       ... slow it down, make... "The kitchen's a little too nice."

   13. TSTom Segura30:52

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:52

       "So, make the kitchen a little smaller."

   15. TSTom Segura30:53

       "A little, a little shittier," like, yeah, yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:55

       Yeah, yeah.

   17. TSTom Segura30:55

       And I was like...

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:55

       Like, "Let's King of Queens it a little bit."

   19. TSTom Segura30:57

       And I wasn't, it wasn't like some fucking, you know, $100,000... It was just, like, a nice watch. And they were like, "Nah, no, it's gotta be, like, $50 watch." And I was like, "No, no, (laughs) no. No, I disagree." And they're like, "Mm..." And they're like... And then, and then I'm like, "This is what you get paid for?"

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:14

       Right.

   21. TSTom Segura31:14

       "To s- to tell me this? That's amazing, man."

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:16

       Those kind of conversations are so frustrating.

   23. TSTom Segura31:18

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:19

       It's just un... But it's only necessary if you need someone to take your thing and then put it on their network.

   25. TSTom Segura31:24

       Yes.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:24

       Right?

   27. TSTom Segura31:24

       Right.

   28. JRJoe Rogan31:25

       And when they do that, they're gonna fuck it up anyway because there's gonna be a bunch of commercials in between it. You only gotta have seven-minute segments, and then you're gonna cut to several minutes of commercials, and then come back.

   29. TSTom Segura31:33

       Mm-hmm.

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:33

       That's why, you know, you have a 30-minute show. Only 22 of it is actual show.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   (laughs) …

   1. TSTom Segura45:00

      pain. And they're giving me drugs. And then they're like, "Well, you need to have surgery." You know? So I, I called my primary physician, and I was like, "Who should operate on me?" And he's like, "Dude, like, the two people I would send you to are out of town right now."

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:16

      (laughs)

   3. TSTom Segura45:17

      I was like, "All right." So the emergency room doctor there is like, "I'll set you up with this person that can do surgery tomorrow." And I was like, "No. I'm not doing it here."

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:28

      Really?

   5. TSTom Segura45:29

      And I was like, "I'm leaving." And they were like, "You wanna leave here?" And I was like, "Yep." They were like, "Your- your leg and your arm are, like, completely non-working." And I was like, "I don't care." They were like, "Are you- are you sure?" And I go, "Yeah." So, Lindsey, who works with me and was there filming, I get in his car. I mean, it was hard to, like-

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:48

      You got a guy named Lindsey working for you?

   7. TSTom Segura45:50

      Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:50

      Okay.

   9. TSTom Segura45:51

      And, uh, he'll... Hey, he'll hear this. Give it to him, man. Give it to him. Uh-

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:54

       Might wanna change that name. Just... (laughs)

   11. TSTom Segura45:55

       (laughs) So he-

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:57

       Is he- is he he/him as his pronoun?

   13. TSTom Segura45:59

       He... No, no, no. He's- he's- he's- his pronoun, he's very he/him, and, yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan46:02

       Yeah, so that's his-

   15. TSTom Segura46:03

       Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't put it in his signature. But he's a- yeah, he's a great guy. Um, so Lindsey helps me get in the car.

   16. JRJoe Rogan46:10

       Sorry, Lindsey.

   17. TSTom Segura46:11

       Um, and he, uh, drives me home, so I just go h- (laughs) I go home with a broken-in-half arm and a leg that doesn't work.

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:20

       Why didn't he take you to a better hospital?

   19. TSTom Segura46:22

       N- it didn't- it didn't occur to any of us. I didn't go, "Take me to the hospital." I went, "Go home." So I went home, and Bert and Leanne had, like, helped set up this area in our house, 'cause Christina was, like, you know, beside herself, like, so overwhelmed. And they were really, really great. And I got on the couch, and I slept on the couch.

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:42

       Oh, my God.

   21. TSTom Segura46:43

       And then the next morning, B- Bert had hired... I was like, "Find me one of the fucking, like, wheelchair drivers, like, that takes people around." He found a guy that, for $50, picked us up in a 30-year-old van and a 50-year-old wheelchair.

   22. JRJoe Rogan46:59

       No.

   23. TSTom Segura47:00

       Yes. And I was like, "Who the fuck did you find?" He's like, "I don't know." (laughs) So, he... You know, I u- I do, I- I tell him this, that I- I'm always like, you know, I'm a- I'll roll solo. Like, I'll be like, "I- I'll- I'll go by myself to things." I grabbed him. I was like, "Don't you fucking leave me in this van with this guy."

   24. JRJoe Rogan47:17

       (laughs)

   25. TSTom Segura47:17

       "Don't leave me." And he was like, "Okay."

   26. JRJoe Rogan47:19

       Oh my God. How old was the guy driving the car?

   27. TSTom Segura47:21

       Dude, he was... He reeked of cigarettes. (laughs)

   28. JRJoe Rogan47:23

       (laughs)

   29. TSTom Segura47:23

       He had this... His hair was so long that when he pushed me, like in the wheelchair, his hair would, like, be on my back and my neck.

   30. JRJoe Rogan47:30

       Oh, no.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:04:37

   Yeah, that's true. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      arm kicked and shit, and-

   2. TSTom Segura1:00:01

      Yeah, that's true.

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:02

      ... like, tackling people with their arm.

   4. TSTom Segura1:00:03

      Did you know that with vasectomies, they, um, you know, they take, they basically just take a tube and move it and then put it somewhere, like, attach it to another part?

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      Mm-hmm.

   6. TSTom Segura1:00:12

      That in a certain percentage of cases, the tube on its own goes back to where it was-

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:17

      Yo.

   8. TSTom Segura1:00:17

      ... and reattaches. So, the urologist told me that.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:19

      Yo.

   10. TSTom Segura1:00:19

       Yeah, I was like, "What?" And he goes, yeah-

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

       Nature.

   12. TSTom Segura1:00:21

       He goes, he goes, "I didn't believe it when I was in med school until I saw it in practice."

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:25

       Wow.

   14. TSTom Segura1:00:26

       That the actual tube that we surgically put somewhere else reattaches itself to where it was.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:00:33

       That's nature, son.

   16. TSTom Segura1:00:34

       Yeah. Same.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:00:34

       Nature's like, "Nah, bro."

   18. TSTom Segura1:00:36

       Make babies.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:00:36

       "We're gonna make some people."

   20. TSTom Segura1:00:37

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:00:37

       "Man."

   22. TSTom Segura1:00:38

       Pretty wild.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:00:38

       "People in this motherfucker, huh?"

   24. TSTom Segura1:00:39

       Mm-hmm.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:00:40

       "I heard a asteroid's coming."

   26. TSTom Segura1:00:41

       Pretty crazy, man.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:00:43

       (laughs)

   28. TSTom Segura1:00:44

       Pretty crazy.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:00:45

       That is crazy, that it finds a way. Have you ever seen neurons in a lab seek each other out?

   30. TSTom Segura1:00:49

       Mm-mm.

Episode duration: 3:44:03