Joe Rogan Experience #1688 - Greg Fitzsimmons

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drumming) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drumming) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (rock music plays) Headphones? No headphones? What do you wanna do?

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:16

      What do I want headphones for?

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:16

      Wanna get crazy?

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:17

      And you're fucking three feet from me.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:18

      I like to listen to both sounds in my ears at the same time.

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:22

      I have, like, I think I got a lot of wax built up in my ears and I got fucking tinnitus now.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:27

      Oh, no.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:27

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       How'd you get that?

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:29

       Um, I think I went to too many concerts in my life.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       (laughs)

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:34

       Went to a lot of loud concerts as a teenager.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:36

       Lead singer of AC/DC, what's his name again?

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:38

       B- Barr, what's his-

   17. NANarrator0:40

       Brian Johnson.

   18. JRJoe Rogan0:40

       Brian Johnson.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:41

       Brian, yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan0:41

       He can't, uh, he can't hear. His, his hearing's fucked. He can't perform anymore.

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:45

       Yeah, I think, uh, Pete Townshend also.

   22. JRJoe Rogan0:48

       Well, back in, you know, you gotta think in the '70s, like, no one knew anything.

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:53

       Right.

   24. JRJoe Rogan0:53

       They didn't know what tinnitus, football players didn't know about CTE.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:56

       Right.

   26. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       No, no one knew about anything.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons0:58

       Right, right.

   28. JRJoe Rogan0:59

       And those poor guys would just fucking stand right there, bare ears.

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:04

       But, uh, yeah, I mean, I think AC/DC still has the world record for the loudest concert.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:09

       Of course they do.
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Yeah. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      you can have a ... If you forget how to do it, you'll do it better.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:03

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:04

      Yeah.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:04

      It's great to go back.

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:05

      Yeah.

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:05

      I have g- ... my comedy notebooks going back to when we started. I mean, I have a, I have a j- ... two giant fucking crates in my office with old comedy notebooks, and once in a while, I go back and I look at some old shit and I go, "Wow, that was a good fucking premise. Bad joke-"

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:20

      (laughs)

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:20

      "... but I got some good premises in here."

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:21

      But, but some there. Yeah. Because in the beginning, like, you're not good enough to handle a good premise.

   10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:25

       Right.

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:25

       Did you ever do Owen Smith's show? Do you know Owen Smith had a notebook show?

   12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:30

       Oh, no shit. Really?

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:31

       Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I did it. It was hilarious. I pulled out a notebook from, like, '91. It was terrible.

   14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:37

       Wow.

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:38

       Oh my God. I had written in, like, uh, ad libs, like, to the audience.

   16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:43

       (laughs)

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:44

       Ugh. It was so embarrassing. I was-

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:47

       "This is my nice shirt page." (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan15:50

       (laughs) No, it's like, I had written in, "So is that you, buddy? You know what I'm talking about."

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:55

       (laughs)

   21. JRJoe Rogan15:55

       Like, that kinda shit. Like, ugh. It was so awful.

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons15:58

       Right. R- or, or a note, uh, "Look at one person and go, 'The ... ' An explained joke." That was the classic thing.

   23. JRJoe Rogan16:06

       (laughs)

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:06

       All the old-time comics used to do that. They-

   25. JRJoe Rogan16:09

       Yeah.

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:09

       They would do a joke and then explain it slowly to one person-

   27. JRJoe Rogan16:12

       Yeah.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:13

       ... and it killed every time.

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:14

       What was that one guy? There was a guy, Mike ...

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons16:17

       Moto? "Take my rice, please."
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Oh, yeah? …

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      Oh, yeah?

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:00

      I do it as fast as I can. Like, uh, I can d- I've ... I did one in a minute and 40 seconds one time.

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:05

      Whoa.

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:06

      And that's how I get my b- Like, before I do anything in the morning, I just, like, rip through, like, 15 minutes of those.

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:12

      It makes sense that your brain is basically like everything else. If you use it, it gets better.

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:16

      Right.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:16

      Or at least you maintain it.

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:17

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:18

       And if you don't, it atrophies, like everything else.

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:19

       And trying new things is really important.

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:22

       Mm-hmm.

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:22

       Learn- learning a new language, like dur- during-

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:24

       Mm-hmm.

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:24

       ... the pandemic, I went back and I started, uh, learning French again, 'cause I studied it in high school and college and, you know, I'm low functioning. And so I was like, "Fuck it. I'm not gonna learn a new language. Let me go back with, like, an adult brain and try to tackle French." Dude, I don't remember shit. Like, uh, this stuff does not stick with me the way it used to.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:45

       Hmm.

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:45

       It's hard. But it's ... But you gotta do it.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:48

       Do you ever take any nootropics?

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:49

       No.

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:50

       N- nutrients for the brain? No?

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons30:52

       Oh, no. That's not true. Well, I take, um ... You recommend it and I take it every day, is the- these mushrooms. Um-... what are they called? Um-

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:01

       Lion's mane?

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:02

       Yeah, lion's mane.

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:03

       Yeah, lion's mane, good for your brain.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:04

       Take it every day.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:05

       Yeah, that stuff's good. It's got some neuroregenerative properties. Um, another one that's good is that gum that we have over there, that, uh, NeuroGum. I like that stuff.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:14

       Uh-huh.

   28. JRJoe Rogan31:14

       That's what I was chewing when I got in here. The good thing about that, it's like, it's real easy. Just pop a couple of sticks of gum. It actually tastes good. Freshens your breath a little bit.

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons31:21

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:21

       And it's got theanine in it and a little bit of caffeine and a couple other nootropics in it.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Oh my God. …

   1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:00

      it?" And I was like, "What the fuck do I care? Yeah, I'll do a high school prom show." So I show up and it's, like, in, in one of these, like, cornfed Midwestern small towns where, like, they all went to church on a bus before the prom started. And so-

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:14

      Oh my God.

   3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:15

      ... and now I just show up and they, uh, you know, they're all on the dance floor and they stop it and they go, "All right, now we're gonna have a comedian," and I go up and it was like, what was the movie where they weren't allowed to dance and then all of a sudden, like, they're dancing?

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:27

      Footloose.

   5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:27

      It was like Footloose with comedy. I get up there and they fucking loved it, but I was dirt... They told me to be clean, but you know-

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:36

      Yeah.

   7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:36

      ... I was relatively clean, I thought.

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:38

      (laughs)

   9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:38

      And so I do the show and then I get a letter sent to me, uh, sent to my agent, to, to, uh, Scott Bass, and it was, uh, from the principal, Dr. Dave Nixon, and he said that I had corrupted the values of the town.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:53

       (laughs)

   11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons45:55

       'Cause I talked about doing cocaine and I invited them to my motel for a keg after the show.

   12. JRJoe Rogan46:01

       Oh, no. (laughs)

   13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:03

       (laughs) And I talked about having sex with my grandmother, which were all taken out of context.

   14. JRJoe Rogan46:07

       Right.

   15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:08

       It was all... They were jokes.

   16. JRJoe Rogan46:08

       So you were probably, like, 23?

   17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:10

       Yeah. And so-

   18. JRJoe Rogan46:12

       And they were like 19, 20, so they're basically your peers.

   19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:15

       Yes, yes. And so then I... So I get the letter and I start reading it on stage.

   20. JRJoe Rogan46:21

       (laughs)

   21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:21

       And I, and I ended up doing, uh, a Comedy Central special where I read the letter on stage.

   22. JRJoe Rogan46:27

       Ah!

   23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:27

       And I sent a videotape of it to the guy at the school. It was Emmetsburg Senior High School in Emmetsburg, Iowa.

   24. JRJoe Rogan46:34

       Well, you wrote a book, Letter to Mrs. Fitzsimmons.

   25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:37

       Yes.

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:37

       Yes.

   27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:37

       That was in it.

   28. JRJoe Rogan46:38

       (laughs)

   29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons46:38

       I put that letter in the book. (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:41

       Greg wrote a whole book on letters that his, his mom got from him being an asshole. (laughs)
5. 1:00:00 – 1:09:05

   Wait, that's an anaconda.…

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      a real creature that lives alongside us. A thir-... Imagine if you're just fucking hiking and you see a 30-foot snake staring you down. I mean, that is so big.

   2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:10

      Wait, that's an anaconda. Is a python and anaconda the same thing?

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:00:14

      No, different. 33-foot anaconda.

   4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:16

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan1:00:16

      Well, that was that fucking movie with Jennifer Lopez, remember?

   6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:19

      Mm.

   7. JRJoe Rogan1:00:20

      Anaconda?

   8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:00:21

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JRJoe Rogan1:00:21

      Where they were even bigger, because they- they think that there used to be giant anacondas in the Amazon that were even bigger than that. Like, what is the biggest... Like, the myth of the giant anaconda is something that's apparently, it's in dispute whether or not they're real things.

   10. NANarrator1:00:37

       That, I- I was trying to find the biggest python, which I did see it does- does say, "Reticulated python can grow up to 30 feet." Which-

   11. JRJoe Rogan1:00:44

       But anacondas, I believe are bigger.

   12. NANarrator1:00:45

       But that's... So I typed in "biggest snake" and that's how I got that-

   13. JRJoe Rogan1:00:48

       Oh.

   14. NANarrator1:00:48

       ... which was anaconda.

   15. JRJoe Rogan1:00:49

       I think they think that at one point in time, anacondas would get to 100 feet long. Like, there's... Uh, it's all myth. It's hard to tell what's horse shit or not, but there's, like, photos of ones that people took from planes where you see this thing that looks like a telephone pole, but 100-foot-long telephone pole-

   16. NANarrator1:01:08

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan1:01:08

       ... making its way through the water. Like that big.

   18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:10

       Wow. Shit.

   19. JRJoe Rogan1:01:13

       I don't know if it's real though.

   20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:14

       Dude, the alligators get fucking big in Florida too. My, uh, my mom lives down there and she plays golf. And there's a, a, a, a pond that has fucking alligators in it. Like-

   21. JRJoe Rogan1:01:25

       On the golf course?

   22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:26

       On the golf course. They just wander around. (laughs) And so she was standing on the edge of the pond one day, her ball is near the edge, and for some reason she decides to play it. Not kick it out in the fairway. She plays it from the edge, she takes the club back, and she loses her balance and she fucking falls in the water over her head, goes under.... and then goes to get out of the water. And she's, she's, like, pulling herself up, but it's a muddy slope and she can't get out. She's, like, fucking flailing on the side.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:01:55

       Oh, my God.

   24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:01:55

       And somebody helps her out, and she got out of the water. And, I mean, she, she was so scared that when she got out, she started laughing, and she was laying on the side of the pond fucking laughing for, like, two minutes. (laughs)

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:02:09

       (laughs)

   26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:09

       My mom's, like, 5'2".

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:02:11

       Oh, my God.

   28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:12

       She's 78 years old.

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:02:13

       Oh, my God.

   30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons1:02:14

       (laughs)

Episode duration: 2:50:22