Joe Rogan Experience #1803 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Greg Fitzsimmons is a stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He's also the host of "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and co-hosts the podcasts "Sunday Papers" with Mike Gibbons, and "Childish" with Alison Rosen.

Joe RoganhostGreg Fitzsimmonsguest

Jun 27, 20243h 38mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,010 words

0:00 – 3:26
Golf dress codes, cargo shorts, and Greg’s brutal caddying days
1. NANarrator
  (drumming music) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
2. The Joe Rogan Experience.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (rock music) And we're rolling, Gregory.
4. NANarrator
  Rolling, rolling, rolling.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  We were just talking about how they kicked Mike ... uh, Jamie was telling us how they kicked Michael Jordan off a course because he was wearing cargo shorts while he was playing golf.
6. NANarrator
  Yeah. Silly rules. And I mean ...
7. JRJoe Rogan
  That's crazy. That you-
8. NANarrator
  It... yeah.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Wouldn't you be happy Michael Jordan's on your fucking golf course?
10. NANarrator
  I mean, I don't know if he's not paying extra to be there, you know, or bringing-
11. JRJoe Rogan
  It doesn't matter. It's Michael Jordan.
12. NANarrator
  More people show up, but ... Tennis states-
13. JRJoe Rogan
  For sure people will show up if they find out he's there.
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
15. NANarrator
  We don't want him to, I mean. That's like, you don't want him to come ruin it.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  I, I don't mean that. I mean like more people will go to that course.
17. NANarrator
  Oh. Eh, maybe.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, people will f- be excited.
19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  The greatest basketball player of all time plays golf on your golf course.
21. NANarrator
  Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure, if it was b- his ... if he was gonna be a regular. That would suck.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Was he just dropping in?
23. NANarrator
  I think it was one of those kind of places, you know. He was probably playing with somebody at a really prestigious course, and they're like, "Get outta here." (laughs)
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
25. NANarrator
  He's like, "Why?" If you got cargo shorts on.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  So you ... You were telling me the rules.
27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You gotta, you gotta, uh ... You can't wear short- ... The good course is you can't wear shorts.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Ever. 110 degrees outside. Pants.
29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And the caddies, the, the poor caddies are out there s- slugging these, you know, two ... I used to caddy growing up. That was my first job as a caddy, and I weighed like maybe 100 pounds, and they would send me out there with these ... Remember Rodney Dangerfield's baggy caddy shirt?
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes. (laughs)
3:26 – 5:48
Extreme drinking stories: 25 beers, light beer math, and ‘how is he alive?’
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Dude, I watched Shane Gillis put down 15 beers during a podcast yesterday.
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  I heard. Jesus.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  And he drank another 10 for the rest of the night.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  (laughs)
5. JRJoe Rogan
  He was 25 beers deep by the time we wrapped up the show last night. I was like, "That is ..." Fucking ... I mean, he's a giant dude.
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  He's a, he's a big boy.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  He's a big, big dude. But that is preposterous.
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Is that ... How often does he do that?
9. JRJoe Rogan
  I have no idea, but I g- I can't imagine doing it once. I would ... I imagine if I drank 25 beers in a day once, the next year, uh, the next day I'd be like, "There's no more beer in my life." Beer's done.
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Dude, my, my brother-in-law drinks ... He was drinking three or four six-packs a day his whole life. His whole life.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  To when? Til he died?
12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Still, he's still drinking, but I don't think he does those kind of numbers.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  I think he does two six-packs a day now.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  How the hell is he alive?
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  He looks like me with a washboard stomach.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  What?
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Construction guy. Just a fucking lean, mean machine.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Wow.
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Doesn't eat sweets, doesn't eat breakfast. Starts drinking early.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  God damn.
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah. And I bet, I bet he weighs 150 pounds.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  That's crazy.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  The, the amount of calories alone.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yep.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  And all that beer?
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Is he drinking light beer?
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
5:48 – 7:32
From straight-edge to functional stoner: tolerance, Snoop, and ‘high performance’ weed users
1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah. It's so funny. I was just talking to somebody out front about how when you started out, you were, you were straight edge, man. You had a beer once in a while and-
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes.
3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... that was it. You didn't smoke weed.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Nope.
5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You didn't get drunk.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Nope.
7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You didn't take drugs.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Nope. I thought it was for losers.
9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  And a l- a lot of times, that's the truth. (laughs) A lot of times, it is for losers.
11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Well, here's the problem. The problem is, is that there's people like you that exist. That there's Snoop Doggs, and there's Joe Rogans, and there's people that are ... and Se- Seth Rogans who can function at a very high level while high. And so, all these teenagers are like, "Hey, Joe Rogan can do, like, nine podcasts a week and go on tour, and he's high. Why can't I get high?" Because most people can't do that.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  It's a tolerance issue.
13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Like when I smoke weed with a real champ, like Wiz Khalifa or, um, Action Bronson, those guys smoke way more than me.
15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Really?
16. JRJoe Rogan
  There's, there's people that smoke way ... Snoop smokes way more than me.
17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Doing the podcast with Snoop, it was just blunt after blunt.
19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And you kept up with him?
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Blunt ... No.
21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  I didn't even try.
23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  I, I tap out early. I need to try to keep this ship together.
25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, when we're having a conversation, I'm trying to guide it and figure out, is this entertaining?
27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Mm-hmm.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  How's it ... How do we move this along? And how do I ... You know. He's just getting blasted.
29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  I mean, he's just amazingly entertaining just naturally. But the fact that he can do, like, the Super Bowl high as fuck, he did that.
7:32 – 9:51
Super Bowl spectacle, propaganda vibes, and why the military shows up at games
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. It's, uh ... That was interesting. It was interesting, like, people's reactions to it. Some people didn't like it. It's like, like ... But the halftime show is so strange anyway, right? It's like, it's a thing i- in and of itself. I mean, yes, it's a part of the Super Bowl, but it's not really. It's really just, like, a chance for a live performance with big superstars.
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right. It's for ratings.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. It's for ratings.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And it's also like, you get the military putting stuff in sporting events, which is always weird to me. It's like, all of a sudden, like, you're at a baseball game and you gotta stand up while they show a, a ... And this is not maligning soldiers, but what does that have to do with sports? Why, why is it-
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... they're suddenly inserting, like, a moment of silence for, for this, or let's, let's salute this guy? The military pays for that shit.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Do they really?
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  They pay every, every ... Whether it's a Lakers game or a baseball game, whenever they do that shout-out to the troops, they pay for that.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Whoa.
12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  They started doing that, like, 20 or 30 years ago. Pl- it was ... Military was never part of sports before, but then the military wanted to recruit, and they said, "Where can we find young men that are kinda physical?" And they said, "Sporting events." And so, they started marketing sporting events.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, wow. 'Cause you think of it as just an American patriotic thing.
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  That's what they try to tie it into.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  You don't, you don't think of it as, like, the military's paying-
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  ... that these guys do this.
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Ooh.
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Don't get me wrong, Joe Rogan. I love America.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  I do, too.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, I do, too, but, you know, ugh, it's tricky.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  What if they started doing that for comedy shows?
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  (laughs) Right.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  You know? 'Cause you know there's those crappy comics who do, "How about a nice shout-out to all the ladies? How about a shout-out to the troops?"
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Troops.
9:51 – 11:45
Hecklers, Elon in Texas, and Joe’s Cybertruck/Tesla Gigafactory hype
1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You had a good heckler-
2. JRJoe Rogan
  ... doesn't mean you can interrupt it.
3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... last night down at the Vulcan.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You had this fucking lunatic who, who yells out ... And it was exactly what you said. First, a chick said something that was kinda like, it wasn't a big deal. She ... I forget what she said. It was, like, a minor thing.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  She's like, "Survival of the fittest."
7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah. And then you-
8. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... dealt with her in a funny way, but it was like, you had wrapped it up. You'd put a bow on it, you shit on her, she ... you put her in her place, you were moving on. And then, the floodgate ... Once one person starts-
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Yep.
11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... all of a sudden, the floodgates open.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  That's what happens, yeah.
13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And this guy yells out, uh, uh, "Elon Musk, get the fuck outta Texas-"
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  "... or something."
16. JRJoe Rogan
  "Tell Elon to get the fuck outta Texas." Like, oh, the smartest man in the world-
17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah. (laughs)
18. JRJoe Rogan
  ... is involved in completely revolutionizing four separate businesses.
19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Creating 100,000 jobs-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... in the state of Texas.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Why, why would you want-
23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Good jobs.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  ... him here, bringing all those great jobs to the state of Texas?
25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Why would you want him here with his fucking rockets that are putting people on Mars and his Tesla plant that's ... That gigafactory, there's a giant party there tonight, it is the biggest fucking place I've ever been to in my life.
27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Really?
28. JRJoe Rogan
  It's cra- ... It looks like some government facility.
29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  It, it looks like you're not supposed to be there.
11:45 – 16:23
Tesla Plaid acceleration, car culture, and kids’ personalities in the passenger seat
1. JRJoe Rogan
  I have the Plaid. The, uh-
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  It's Plaid?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  It's called Plaid.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Oh.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Do you know what it is?
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  No.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  You know the deal? He's a fan of Spaceballs, the movie.
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah, I love Spaceballs.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  And, like, Plaid was, like ... What was it, like, a mode in one of their ... Is that what it was? In the spaceship?
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Uh-huh.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, where it goes super fast. It's the most ...... preposterous car I've ever driven in my life.
12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  It's so fast. It goes zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds.
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  What?
15. JRJoe Rogan
  1.9 seconds-
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Is that the fastest car out there?
17. JRJoe Rogan
  ... zero to 60. (sighs) It's gotta be up there. I mean, it's certainly one of the fastest cars in the world.
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  So, you pull up to the line w- a- and, and there's a, a Lambo next to you at a, at a red light.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Gone.
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You're right-
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Whooh. He's gone. Yeah, he's gone. He gets buried.
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. All my cars that are fast, like, the, uh, my Porsche, my, m- my, like, my muscle cars, they don't have a chance.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  They don't have a chance with that very sedate-looking four-door sedan, four-door family sedan.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Damn.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  It's so, like, conservative looking.
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And you don't have to take the time to shift gears-
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... because it just winds on one motor.
16:23 – 19:31
Parenting obsession, ‘raised by savages,’ and immigrant-family survival math
1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  But, uh, but it's amazing when you raise kids though, and you ask yourself these questions about, you know, the, the, the nature of deve- you know, human development, and you get to watch them. And it's like, I don't, I don't understand why my father was not more interested in us as kids. I, there's nothing I am more curious about over the last 20 years than watching every second of my kids' development and seeing the choices they make and how they become who they are. I mean-
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... nothing comes close to that being that interesting.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Y- I think it's our generation responding to the sort of lackadaisical effort that our previous generation put in.
5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  You know, I think we also... Th- I think our parents were raised by savages.
7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  I don't think we realize how much of a difference like 1920 versus 2020 really is.
9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  It's a ch- uh, the world is such a different place. My grandparents came over from Italy and Ireland, and they were raised by savages.
11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  They were savage people.
13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Mm-hmm.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  And those are the people that raised my mom.
15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Mm-hmm.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  And that's just how things were. Your kids, you just open the door and you let them out and you hope they didn't get eaten by wolves.
17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  That was how you had children. You had a bunch of them, and if one of them died, you, you cried at the funeral.
19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  That's it. That's how they did it.
21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And one of them did die.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, a lot of times.
23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  I mean, statistically like, you know, there was... Back then, there was so many diseases that, that, you know-
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah.
25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... kids died from-
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Constant.
27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... constant, yeah.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Fuck yeah, fuck yeah.
29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And, uh, my, my grandfather, my, my mother's father, who's the one I most relate to, he's the, the relative I feel the strongest kinship to 'cause I knew him the best, he was one of 13. He was the youngest of 13 in Ireland. They lived in a fucking two-room mud house.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, my God.
19:31 – 22:35
Catholicism: discrimination, Vatican wealth, and the Church’s darkest scandal
1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  But, you know, the, the Irish had a f- they had a rough lot, man. My, my son's got a sign on his, on his, uh, wall in Chicago that is an actual sign, it says, "Irish need not apply." He got it some, some, uh, antique store.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, wow.
3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  It was, it was real, man. It was, we were fucking ... we were savages. We-
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... we were uneducated, we believed in this crazy Catholic religion that they didn't believe in in this country, and we were, we were looked down upon for being Catholic.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Hmm. Yeah, Catholics until President Kennedy, that was a, y- that was a historic moment, that a Catholic became president.
7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Oh, yeah.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  They thought, like, we don't think of that now. You think of a Catholic as just being a, a consistent branch of Christianity.
9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right, right.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  But when we're ... I guess it was the case after Kennedy, I guess. You and I grew up in an era after Kennedy, so it had already kind of been accepted. But back then when, when I talked to my grandparents about it, they were saying like, Catholics were looked down upon horribly.
11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Well, they were looked at, like, that the pope would tell, would rule this country.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Hmm.
13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  That was the fear that they were fed-
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... was that it was a papal rule.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Interesting.
17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  That's interesting. Yeah.
19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Which-
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Have you been to the Vatican?
21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Fucking crazy, right?
23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah, it is crazy.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  But you realize how much money those motherfuckers have?
25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right, right.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  When you walk around and look at all that artwork and you're like, "Hey."
27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  "Where'd you get this?" (laughs)
29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  (laughs) Yeah, right. "I see some Jewish tears on the corner of this Monet over here."
30. JRJoe Rogan
  It's basically like they're hoarders.
22:35 – 27:19
Joe’s Catholic school trauma, why religion died early, and Greg’s take on nuns
1. JRJoe Rogan
  I rem- I'm, it didn't h- nothing, that didn't happen to me, but I did have a horrible fucking Catholic school teacher in first grade. She was such a cunt.
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Hmm.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Sister Mary Josephine. I can't remember anybody's name from back then, but I remember this bitch.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Really?
5. JRJoe Rogan
  She was so fucking mean.
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  I don't remember if she hit me or threatened to hit me, I can't remember. It was just like constant fear. I remember she used to tell you, you'd, she'd make you stay overnight and sit on a nail. Just-
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  What?
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, yeah. She would, uh, she was gonna keep you after school and she'd make fun of you if, if you cried, she'd mock you.
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Did you tell your parents about this?
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, my mom's like, "Whatever. Yeah, h- it's good for your grades." Like, "You're getting good grades there."
12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  It's like-
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Did you ever have to sit on the nail?
15. JRJoe Rogan
  No, no, she wasn't really making anybody sit on the nail.
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Oh.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  She was just saying she was gonna make you sit on a nail.
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Oh.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  She was just terrifying and just terrorizing little kids, but the, the glee that she had, the way she would ... And then it just took a while for me to real- ... And it kinda killed my, my interest in religion because when my parents broke up, I was five, and I remember being really into God then because I wanted things to make sense 'cause like I was five years old-
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Sure.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  ... and all of a sudden I'd seen my dad hit my mom and then it was scary. Like, my dad yelling at my mom and he hits her and then we, we run out of the house, we flee, and now all of a sudden now we're staying with my grandparents. And I remember being terrified and I remember thinking like, I'm ... I was looking for order and for someone who was like a leader because clearly I saw what my dad did and in my eyes was like, I had immediately written him off. I was like, "Well, he's a piece of shit." He just hit my mother. I saw the whole argument.
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  I saw why he hit her. H- she brought home hamburger meat and he got m- for dinner and he got mad that she brought home hamburger for dinner and he smacked her in the head and knocked her down.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Oh, shit.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  I saw it happen.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Whoa.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  I'll never forget it. Never forget it. I'll never forget running into the bedroom to hide. I'll never forget, I remember the print on the sheets.
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  ... that I was, like, s- standing behind, looking down, 'cause it had, like, these, like ... It was in the '70s, right? So it was, had these, like, loops on the sheets. Everything was, like, you know, colorful back then. And, uh ... So then I got really into religion, and I was like ... I was talking about God all the time, and I was-
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
27:19 – 35:28
Losing faith via literature, pagan roots, and Stoicism as proto-CBT
1. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You did, and that's a shame, because I, I'm not completely ... You know, like, the Catholic Church gave me a lot, and I, I definitely went for the ride a lot longer than you did, and I feel like it did order the universe for me in, in a, in a big way, you know. Um, and then I, and then I was devastated when I was a teenager, and I realized (laughs) it was a bunch of lies.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
3. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  It really ... It fucked me up existentially for a while.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Really? When did you figure it out?
5. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Uh, in high school, we took a class called, uh, The Bible as World r- ... As World Literature, and it traced all the major parables in the Bible, Noah's Ark, the Garden of Eden, to previous, like, pagan texts-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Ah.
7. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... that had existed for, like, hundreds of years before the Bible was, was written or Christ came, and I was just like, "No, no, no."
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Really?
9. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah, I was ... I ... 'Cause I used to talk to God. I talked to Jesus. I felt like, a kinship with Jesus. I still do. I sti- ... I still feel ... I still talk to God sometimes. It's not like a ... It's not, um, religious. It's spiritual. But that, that structure was put in there for me as a kid-
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Hmm.
11. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... where I was told that there was this person that loved me and forgave me, and that was a beautiful thing.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
13. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And I'd, I'd ... It's still in there. I, I reject the Church.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
15. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  But I'll take God. I'll take Jesus.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  What c- ... What kind of school were you in when you learned all this stuff?
17. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  I was at a private school.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  So it was just a regular-
19. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  So it was very progressive.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Interesting. And so, what did they ... Like, where's Adam and Eve? What, where'd that come from?
21. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Um, God, I don't remember. I don't know.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  L- I think the first references to, like ... The first version of a similar story to Noah and the Ark is Epic of Gilgamesh, right?
23. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Okay.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  And that's 6,000 years ago, so it's many thousand years before the Bible.
25. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  And then there's, there's a lot of other ones that are, like, real similar.
27. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Well, and it's also, it's all based on pa- ... Uh, the, the pagans worshiped nature.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm-hmm.
29. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  They basically ... So if you look at ... Christ's birth was December 25th, which is basically the winter solstice.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Right.
35:28 – 42:09
Comedians vs royalty: the Will Smith slap, Oscars hypocrisy, and Hollywood rot
1. JRJoe Rogan
  The, th- like the Chris Rock/Will Smith thing. I mean, this is, this is essentially the jester and royalty.
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right, interesting.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  It's exactly what it is.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Interesting.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  C- Will Smith is as much royalty-
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yep.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  ... in America, kind of tainted now-
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  ... like, severely tainted-
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  ... but before that moment where he walked on that stage and slapped Chris Rock in the face, within minutes he was about to win an Oscar.
12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Mm-hmm.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Right? Like, later on the night he w- won an Oscar. He is one of the greatest actors of all time. He's been in so many films. He's beloved by everyone, and then decides he doesn't like the way the jester is referring to his wife.
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Even the most mild of ways. If that was 1,000 years ago, he might've just walked up and cut his fucking head off-
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  ... in front of everybody-
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  ... and made everybody clean it up.
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  And then he just sat there and watched with his feet up and ate grapes-
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Mm-hmm.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  ... while they cleaned Chris Rock's body up.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Mopped all the blood that poured out of his neck hole.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  (laughs) While people cheered.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  For sure.
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
42:09 – 56:10
Old Hollywood coercion and ‘McLintock!’: how movies expose past norms of abuse
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Um, Tarantino was telling me about an old Hollywood producer that had an office with a bedroom in it. And he would take the starlets, they would come into his office, and he would literally open up a bedroom, and he had a bed right there, and he'd fuck them. And he fu- they fucked all the stars because you were the only way that they were gonna get in a movie.
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  And so, if you wanted to be in a movie, you had to fuck. And there was a woman, we, we've talked about this, uh, before. Was it Maureen, uh, th- this Irish woman? Do you remember her name? Who wrote an article about it. They, they ga- they interviewed her from that time, from early Hollywood, and she was explaining how her career is not gonna go anywhere because she won't fuck these guys.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Hmm.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  And she was an old school Hollywood movie star.
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  And she was, like, at this pinnacle of her life but realizing-... she's not gonna keep working. Maureen O'Dowd, did I just make that up?
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Maureen O'Dowd is the Times writer.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh. No, it's not. No, what is the name? Goddammit.
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  I know that, uh, Jerry Lewis got in trouble and, you know, a woman came out and said it was standard that if you worked with Jerry Lewis, you went in his dressing room and you had sex with him. Now, if you were, if you were cast as the girlfriend in his new movie, you were going, and she was brought into his trailer and he just basically fucking took his pants off and expected it and... I can't remember if she actually had sex with him or not, but she said that that was the standard. That was the rule.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  What is the-
12. NANarrator
  Maureen O'Hara.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Maureen O'Hara. That's it. That's it.
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Wow.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  See if you could, see if you could get the quote, 'cause it's pretty crazy because-
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  I think she was in The, The Quiet Man, with John, with, uh, John Wayne.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah? What year was that? The '50s?
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  The '50s.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  It's, uh, I think that makes sense. She w- gave this quote as to, like, what it was like to be an actress back then.
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  And, I mean, I think that's what that business was about. It was about the executives and th- the, all the, the people that, like, put the money into the movies and they would all hobnob and they would all bang the actresses.
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Which is crazy.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Cra- and plus, when it was the studio system and you got hired for a three-year contract-
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... you were having sex with the head of the studio for that.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  I guess you probably had to.
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah. That was crazy.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, that was the wh- how... I mean, if you think about it, and we, we've discussed this before, but the business itself is so insane because you take people that are incredibly insecure and generally speaking most of them were either ignored or they had some sort of childhood trauma that leads them to seek out exorbitant amounts of attention.
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
56:10 – 1:13:52
Can you still make comedy? Lenny Bruce to Eddie Murphy, ‘Yesterday,’ and post-pandemic work life
1. JRJoe Rogan
  the gearing's off and it's got the wrong fuel. It doesn't work. It just doesn't work.
2. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Well, sometimes it does. Like, I can still watch the... My, my kids watched The Marx Brothers when they were little and they got it from the get-go that it still works.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  They were kids. They didn't know any better.
4. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  No, Marx Brothers-
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Show it to a 40-year-old.
6. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  You don't like The Marx Brothers?
7. JRJoe Rogan
  It's good. It's good. It's, it's, it's film. It's, it's interesting because it's a part of an e- earlier era.
8. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  But what I was talking about is standup.
10. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, standup is-
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Lenny Bruce, who without him, neither one of us would be here.
12. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Right? He was the, he's... In my feeling, he is the, the OG. He's the godfather. He's the guy who figured out how to take social and cultural issues and just a, a, a unique take on life and explain it in a way that blew people away.
14. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  It was not just jokes.
16. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And he brought in the fact that he was Jewish. There was a context to his opinions and-
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm-hmm.
18. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... you know, he was, um... Yeah, he was, he was challenging everything. And, uh, and the way he went off the rails at the end with al- with all the, um, the legal stuff-
19. JRJoe Rogan
  The legal stuff, yeah.
20. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  ... it was s- it s- it was a testament to the fact that he was gonna be true to whatever was going on in his head.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
22. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  And it was a shame because nobody e- that wasn't going through everybody else's head.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  They didn't wanna hear it.
24. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  He was reading court papers on stage.
26. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Right.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  And there's video that... I've watched the videos.
28. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  Yeah.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Um, but if you go and watch his standup from the early '60s, it's not applicable.
30. GFGreg Fitzsimmons
  No.

Episode duration: 3:38:06

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Golf dress codes, cargo shorts, and Greg’s brutal caddying days

Extreme drinking stories: 25 beers, light beer math, and ‘how is he alive?’

From straight-edge to functional stoner: tolerance, Snoop, and ‘high performance’ weed users

Super Bowl spectacle, propaganda vibes, and why the military shows up at games

Hecklers, Elon in Texas, and Joe’s Cybertruck/Tesla Gigafactory hype

Tesla Plaid acceleration, car culture, and kids’ personalities in the passenger seat

Parenting obsession, ‘raised by savages,’ and immigrant-family survival math

Catholicism: discrimination, Vatican wealth, and the Church’s darkest scandal

Joe’s Catholic school trauma, why religion died early, and Greg’s take on nuns

Losing faith via literature, pagan roots, and Stoicism as proto-CBT

Comedians vs royalty: the Will Smith slap, Oscars hypocrisy, and Hollywood rot

Old Hollywood coercion and ‘McLintock!’: how movies expose past norms of abuse

Can you still make comedy? Lenny Bruce to Eddie Murphy, ‘Yesterday,’ and post-pandemic work life

Get more out of YouTube videos.