Joe Rogan Experience #1812 - Doug Stanhope

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (instrumental music) Doug, it is me, boy.

   4. DSDoug Stanhope0:15

      Good morning.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:16

      It's good to see you, pal. Good morning. First sip of the hooch of the day.

   6. DSDoug Stanhope0:19

      (laughs)

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      First- and that's not your first cigarette. How many cigarettes you got so far?

   8. DSDoug Stanhope0:23

      Uh, f- y- to the point where I go, "Maybe I should have brought two packs."

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:27

      By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope just found out today that he has had COVID.

   10. DSDoug Stanhope0:31

       Just moments ago-

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:32

       (laughs) You didn't even know you had it.

   12. DSDoug Stanhope0:33

       ... (laughs) I do the regular COVID test before you do the show.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:36

       Yeah.

   14. DSDoug Stanhope0:36

       And she goes, "Have you had the antibody one?" And I said, "No, I... 'Cause I, I always feel like I have COVID."

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       (laughs)

   16. DSDoug Stanhope0:46

       Uh, like I-

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:46

       They do say, and I read this-

   18. DSDoug Stanhope0:47

       I wake up coughing.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:48

       ... that people who smoke cigarettes for some reason were, like, getting it less.

   20. DSDoug Stanhope0:52

       Yeah, I, I, I read a lot of those and then I, I saw a lot that disputed that.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:58

       Yeah.

   22. DSDoug Stanhope0:58

       So I didn't read the ones. I didn't wanna hear that news.

   23. JRJoe Rogan1:01

       (laughs)

   24. DSDoug Stanhope1:01

       And I read the ones that say, yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan1:03

       Yeah, that sounds like how I digest news.

   26. DSDoug Stanhope1:05

       But, uh, I... They also say, if you do get it, you're more likely to wind up on a fucking respirator, which I'm gonna wind up on a respirator at this rate regardless.

   27. JRJoe Rogan1:16

       (coughs)

   28. DSDoug Stanhope1:16

       I don't mind if I fast-forward the process. (laughs)

   29. JRJoe Rogan1:19

       We gotta fill you up with stem cells, get you in a hyperbaric chamber, reverse the process.

   30. DSDoug Stanhope1:25

       (coughs)
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   (laughs) Exactly. …

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      down thing, and then there's an additional new one, like, "That's it, that's the line."

   2. DSDoug Stanhope15:05

      (laughs) Exactly.

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:05

      "I'm not fucking crossed. This is where I'm gonna die on this hill."

   4. DSDoug Stanhope15:09

      Yeah, you can, y- y- you'll gladly walk through the scanner so fucking some minimum wage security hack can look at your w- wife's IUD-

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:17

      (laughs)

   6. DSDoug Stanhope15:19

      ... close up and clear, but no.

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:21

      Do you remember they had the one scanners that were showing people's hogs? So they decided they had to get rid of it because it was unethical. Do you remember those? Like, people were complaining-

   8. DSDoug Stanhope15:30

      I, uh, th- yeah, there was a whole series.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:30

      ... you could s- you could literally see an outline of your naked body.

   10. DSDoug Stanhope15:34

       Now, w-... what did they do?

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:35

       And people were... they felt like it was invasive, and they were saying, "No, we can't tell it's you." Like, what the fuck you talk- but you still... see that guy's dick. You're looking at that guy's d- you're basically looking at a cartoon of that guy's dick.

   12. DSDoug Stanhope15:45

       (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:45

       It's like an outline, like a skeleton image of... See, but, what the fuck... I know I'm talking about something, but I really don't have the v- proper information. But I bel- I remember correctly, I think.

   14. DSDoug Stanhope15:55

       I remember them when they sh-

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:57

       Is it TSA removing body scanners they criticize as too revealing? Yeah. I think this is the one. But so you could see like if someone has a micropenis or a giant hog. Virtual strip searches. Wow, they labeled them virtual strip searches. So there's this one dude in, uh... he lives in Mexico, and he's got the biggest dick that's ever been, uh, measured and observed.

   16. DSDoug Stanhope16:19

       Recorded.

   17. JRJoe Rogan16:20

       It's hilarious. This guy goes through security and they pat him down. They al- they always wanna pat him down, 'cause they're like, "What is that?" He's like, "That's my dick."

   18. DSDoug Stanhope16:28

       Down beneath your knee.

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:28

       Like, there's no fucking way. There's no way. It's unop- it's my arm. It's g- it's preposterous. He has an enormous dick. It's so big. And this poor guy gets, uh... he gets touched up every time he goes through the airport. I mean, he must... and this, it's... (laughs) Jonah F- uh, is this the Mexican gentleman?

   20. NANarrator16:46

       Uh...

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:46

       It might be another guy as an actor.

   22. NANarrator16:50

       I don't-

   23. JRJoe Rogan16:50

       Oh, my God, as an actor.

   24. DSDoug Stanhope16:51

       It looks like New Mexico from-

   25. JRJoe Rogan16:52

       Oh, this is a definitely, definitely a different dude. So he has the new biggest dick?

   26. NANarrator16:55

       I think he claims it, so maybe.

   27. JRJoe Rogan16:57

       The dude in Mexico has a fucking piece on him.

   28. DSDoug Stanhope17:01

       Is that, uh, Guinness Book worthy? Like, do they-

   29. JRJoe Rogan17:03

       I think they must measure dicks, right? I mean, it counts. You can measure head size. Why can't you measure dicks? Does Guinness not touch the genitalia? It's too naughty?

   30. DSDoug Stanhope17:11

       I would assume they don't.
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   I know a lo-…

   1. JRJoe Rogan30:00

      fine, and he leaves. He freaked himself the fuck out because he knew...... that he was gonna die in his mind because he had taken all these pills, and there's no way that's good.

   2. DSDoug Stanhope30:09

      I know a lo- lot of comics where you go, "I, I, I ... It's, it's stress." Or non-comics, friends of mine.

   3. JRJoe Rogan30:15

      That's ... Anybody. Human beings. I think that's a real factor that we don't ... You know, we, we add that factor at the end. You add it at the end. Stress is, like, at the end of, like, the alcohol and the cocaine, and the fucking bad relationship and the divorce, and the getting fired, and all that other stuff. And then we put, you know, stress, bad diet, cigarettes. We put all that ... I think stress might be the number one thing. I think that's-

   4. DSDoug Stanhope30:42

      And I, I, I hate to ... uh, it's ... I, I, I avoid the ... It's all in your head 'cause ... It's all because of your head.

   5. JRJoe Rogan30:50

      Yeah.

   6. DSDoug Stanhope30:50

      Like, you're not making it up. But your, your, your lifestyle is causing it.

   7. JRJoe Rogan30:55

      There's ... It's a factor. It's a real factor but it's ... You can't w- weigh it. You can't take it and put it on a scale. If you tell me you smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I go, "Oh, well that's a fu- ... (inhales deeply) That's a lot of fucking cigarettes."

   8. DSDoug Stanhope31:06

      Yeah.

   9. JRJoe Rogan31:06

      "So you're gonna get sick." But you, you tell me, "Stress." Like, what does that mean? Put it in a box. Show me. What does it weigh? How big is it? I don't know what the fuck it means. I don't know what your stress is compared to someone else's stress in the same situation. You know, some people, they, they have bad things happen to them and they freak the fuck out and they're never the same. And other people get better. They, like, they s- get stronger through, like, a bad thing that happens to them.

   10. DSDoug Stanhope31:30

       Yeah.

   11. JRJoe Rogan31:30

       It's like, we don't know what that is, we don't know what, what ... It's a, it's how y- ... It affects you. And if you don't think that it has a big factor, I think we should be teaching that-

   12. DSDoug Stanhope31:42

       I, I- ... Yep. Milit-

   13. JRJoe Rogan31:43

       ... teaching that to people. It's, it's so huge.

   14. DSDoug Stanhope31:44

       Military guys, th- y- ... And you know they exist, and you've met the military guys who are kind of bummed out they didn't get to go to combat, or they're-

   15. JRJoe Rogan31:52

       Oh, yeah.

   16. DSDoug Stanhope31:52

       Now it's, now it's boring. I wanna (stutters) I wanna go back there. I wanna fucking ... Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan31:57

       Hurt Locker.

   18. DSDoug Stanhope31:59

       Okay. Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan31:59

       See that movie, Hurt Locker? Did you see it?

   20. DSDoug Stanhope32:00

       Not everyone has ... Yep. Uh, uh-

   21. JRJoe Rogan32:02

       Yeah.

   22. DSDoug Stanhope32:03

       I only remember the first scene with the guy's fucking head exploding and the mask. But I rem- ... I love that guy. Jeremy Renner, I think is his name?

   23. JRJoe Rogan32:09

       Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's awesome.

   24. DSDoug Stanhope32:10

       Yeah.

   25. JRJoe Rogan32:10

       He's awesome. I met him at a UFC.

   26. DSDoug Stanhope32:12

       Oh, yeah?

   27. JRJoe Rogan32:12

       Funny guy. Um, d- ... You know, there's ... Like, that kind of thing, where people, like, long for the comradery that exists in combat. Did you ever read Sebastian Junger? You ever read any of his stuff?

   28. DSDoug Stanhope32:26

       No.

   29. JRJoe Rogan32:27

       He ... Fucking amazing guy. Like, really interesting guy. Like, super earnest and he's, he's so intelligent and he's so ... Like, there's no bullshit in, in his words, and he-

   30. DSDoug Stanhope32:36

       Fiction or non-fiction?
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   Yeah. …

   1. DSDoug Stanhope45:00

      me, Hedberg, Louis C. K.

   2. JRJoe Rogan45:02

      Yeah.

   3. DSDoug Stanhope45:02

      Fucking every comic that was-

   4. JRJoe Rogan45:05

      Yeah.

   5. DSDoug Stanhope45:05

      No one had any idea.

   6. JRJoe Rogan45:07

      Yeah. Those calendars are beautiful if you get a hold of one of those. I'd like to get one of the hold of those Laugh Stop ones. Laugh Stop, I mean-

   7. DSDoug Stanhope45:13

      And you just said that, and now you're gonna get like 900 of them. (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan45:16

      Good. Get me one. Um.

   9. DSDoug Stanhope45:18

      Send it to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603.

   10. JRJoe Rogan45:22

       Did you hear... Did you hear about Brian Hersey?

   11. DSDoug Stanhope45:24

       Fuck, just found that out yesterday.

   12. JRJoe Rogan45:26

       Yeah.

   13. DSDoug Stanhope45:27

       And he was not a guy that... I mean, suicide-

   14. JRJoe Rogan45:31

       (sighs) .

   15. DSDoug Stanhope45:31

       You can't guess whose-

   16. JRJoe Rogan45:33

       Nobody. Nobody knows.

   17. DSDoug Stanhope45:34

       But there's some that you're not as surprised as others. And Hersey was the sweetest kid, and he had that laugh. (laughs) And it was his real laugh.

   18. JRJoe Rogan45:42

       He was a funny dude, man.

   19. DSDoug Stanhope45:43

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan45:44

       You know what happened, you know, with a lot of those guys? They were like so invested in the Houston scene, you know, and then... What was his name that was running the Laugh Stop?

   21. DSDoug Stanhope45:55

       Mark Babbit.

   22. JRJoe Rogan45:56

       That's right, Mark. And when they get rid of him, like everything kinda changed. And then when they closed down-

   23. DSDoug Stanhope46:02

       Well, he was the, uh, uh-

   24. JRJoe Rogan46:03

       He was... Yeah. He was glue. And yeah, he was crazy. Yeah. He was-

   25. DSDoug Stanhope46:08

       He... Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan46:08

       Not... Yeah.

   27. DSDoug Stanhope46:09

       There was some-

   28. JRJoe Rogan46:09

       Yeah.

   29. DSDoug Stanhope46:09

       There was some-

   30. JRJoe Rogan46:10

       Yeah, some improprieties, perhaps.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:08:37

   But you do help…

   1. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:00

      by having an opinion. (laughs) There's, there's, there-

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:02

      But you do help by having an opinion.

   3. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:04

      But I-

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:05

      You, you have opinions.

   5. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:05

      ... I try, I'm trying to stick to opinions that I kinda know something about.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:09

      Right.

   7. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:09

      And most of this shit, I don't know about it.

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:11

      Right.

   9. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:11

      I've got, I've got great bits out of both of those.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:15

       Yeah. Like, here's-

   11. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:16

       Like, fucking Ukraine. Oh (laughs) , this is funny. Uh, the Ukraine. Okay, I know that's the war that took the COVID outta the top slot in the news after so many weeks on the Billboard fucking top 100. (laughs) Uh, and I'm like, I don't... I can... I got an email. I have a fan in the Ukraine. You have the same thing where you have fucking fans-

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:36

       Right, right.

   13. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:36

       ... at every weird place. And a guy emailed me, very broken English but very sweet, "Doug, you are our... I'm probably your only Ukraine fan. Pardon my English. It is... I try to do translate. I've seen all your-"

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:49

       Can I stop you right here?

   15. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:50

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:00:51

       That was me.I was fucking with you. (laughs)

   17. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:53

       Oh, no-

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:00:53

       (laughs)

   19. DSDoug Stanhope1:00:54

       ... it was, it was- and I knew it was gonna happen 'cause he says, uh, "I'm your biggest comedy fan. I watch- "

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:01:01

       Please send panties.

   21. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:01

       "... all your Translate YouTube-

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:01:04

       (laughs)

   23. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:04

       ... uh, videos. You are best comedy. God, you must tell people what Russia is doing to my people. People need to know in your country." And I'm like, "I think you're o- "

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:01:13

       Guys, I've read it.

   25. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:14

       "... I think you're over- "

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:15

       Yeah, he went too far, buddy. I'm not buying it.

   27. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:17

       Yeah, I don't... I think he thinks I have a way bigger voice than I do to tell America about the news of what's happening in the Ukraine. And I... He sent me all these links, "This is stuff you will not find on mainstream media." And I go, "Listen, I don't have time to fucking watch the news, it makes me crazy, but I'll have you be my personal Ukraine war correspondent, just you and me. I'm only gonna get my Ukraine news from you." So then he just blows-

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:44

       (laughs)

   29. DSDoug Stanhope1:01:44

       ... me up all the time. His name is Dima, and he's very sweet. He's 27. "We will crush- "

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:49

       How do you know he's 27?

Episode duration: 3:24:05