Joe Rogan Experience #1886 - Robert Kelly

Narrator 0:00 (drumbeats) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience.

Joe Rogan 0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. All day. (rock music) Are you gonna do the glasses or no glasses?

Robert Kelly 0:14 I just can't see up there.

Joe Rogan 0:16 I like them.

Robert Kelly 0:17 You like them?

Joe Rogan 0:17 They look good.

Robert Kelly 0:18 Yeah?

Joe Rogan 0:18 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 0:18 You like them?

Joe Rogan 0:19 Yeah. (laughs) They look fucking great.

Robert Kelly 0:19 You want to try them on? Try them on. Let me show you what they look like. Dude, those look fucking tough. Those are tough, dude. These fucking look good, dude. (laughs) You gotta get a pair of glasses, dude.

Narrator 0:32 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 0:32 You, do you need glasses?

Joe Rogan 0:33 Uh, I do for reading.

Robert Kelly 0:34 Those are, those are what I, I can't see my phone without them.

Joe Rogan 0:37 Really?

Robert Kelly 0:37 Yeah, I can't fucking see my phone without these.

Joe Rogan 0:39 H- what power are those?

Robert Kelly 0:40 It's, uh, I believe it's one eye is different than the other. It's a prescription. Um-

Joe Rogan 0:45 One eye's different than the other, really?

Robert Kelly 0:46 Yeah, like, one can see better or something like that.

Joe Rogan 0:48 Did you get injured, or is it just natural?

Robert Kelly 0:50 No, just around 40. I think they call reading glasses in England, uh, 45s, because around 45 is when your-

Joe Rogan 0:57 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 0:58 ... eyes start going.

Joe Rogan 0:58 That's what happened to me.

Robert Kelly 0:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:59 That's probably exactly when it happened to me. I remember doing the podcast-

Robert Kelly 1:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03 ... and I, I couldn't read off a laptop. I was actually doing a podcast with Neil deGrasse Tyson, and, uh, I wanted to ask him about something, and I pulled out the laptop, and I was like, "I can't fucking read this."

Robert Kelly 1:13 Yeah, I, I, out, out of nowhere. I had perfect sight, perfect hearing, everything.

Joe Rogan 1:16 Yeah, it just falls off like a cliff.

Robert Kelly 1:18 45, boom. Couldn't read.

Joe Rogan 1:19 But you know what? There's a way to, um, to stop it in its tracks. There's supplements that you could take. There's a company called Pure Encapsulations, and they have a thing called macular support, and, uh, I started taking macular support, and it stopped it, stopped it in its tracks.

Robert Kelly 1:34 Really?

Joe Rogan 1:34 Yeah, so now I can read my phone. Like, it might've even actually got a little bit better, so, like, I don't have a problem reading my phone, like reading text messages-

Robert Kelly 1:40 Right.

Joe Rogan 1:41 ... and shit. It's no problem.

Robert Kelly 1:42 Well, i-

Joe Rogan 1:42 But I prefer, like, if I'm reading an article, I'll read with glasses on.

Robert Kelly 1:45 Well, the thing that sucks too is that they don't make cool glasses for men, reading glasses.

Joe Rogan 1:53 Those are fucking cool.

Robert Kelly 1:54 Well, th- this is-

Joe Rogan 1:55 They have like a nice red tint to them.

Robert Kelly 1:57 Th- this is from, uh, this guy in the East Village, my friend Anthony.

Joe Rogan 2:01 They look like they're from the East Village.

Robert Kelly 2:03 He's w- (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:04 They do. They look cool.

Robert Kelly 2:05 Yeah, this guy makes them. Like, this is like, this is like a Rolex.

Joe Rogan 2:09 Oh.

Robert Kelly 2:09 There's, there's 500 of these made. This is 230-something of 500.

Joe Rogan 2:14 Why doesn't he make more?

Robert Kelly 2:15 It's not him. It's, uh, I can't read it. I- inside, J- Jean Paul whoever.

Joe Rogan 2:20 Oh, so it's like a designer.

Robert Kelly 2:21 But he, he's a, a, what is it? Opti-

Joe Rogan 2:24 Optometrist?

Robert Kelly 2:25 Optometrist. Hard word to fucking pull. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:29 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 2:29 But, uh, he's cool as shit. You know, you walk in, and he customizes everything. Like, he'll take this fancy sun- the glass frame, and he'll be like, "Let's put a, this tint on it. Let me do this." And then you go in-

Joe Rogan 2:41 Oh.

Robert Kelly 2:41 ... and he cut, he, like, he'll sand it down to fit your nose.

Joe Rogan 2:45 Ooh, that's nice.

Robert Kelly 2:46 So you can pick, like, all these crazy frames, and then he makes it yours.

Joe Rogan 2:51 Ah.

Robert Kelly 2:51 Which is great. I mean, it costs money, but I love shit like that. I love when-

Joe Rogan 2:55 It seems like it's worth it, though.

Robert Kelly 2:56 ... I love when people take something and make it unique and not everybody has it.

Joe Rogan 3:02 Customize.

Robert Kelly 3:03 Cu-

Joe Rogan 3:03 Yes.

Robert Kelly 3:03 I love people who customize shit like that.

Joe Rogan 3:05 Yes.

Robert Kelly 3:05 Like, this guy could just be, "Yep, here's your prescription. Here's your Bausch & Lombs or whatever."

Joe Rogan 3:10 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 3:11 Stupid glasses. He's like, "I'm getting the coolest frames on the planet," that are, you know, o- He has one, he get this one with, uh... You'd look good in these too. They have, um, thunderbirds, silver thunderbirds-

Joe Rogan 3:25 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 3:25 ... going down the side. It's like Elvis would buy these glasses.

Joe Rogan 3:28 Dude, I'm in.

Robert Kelly 3:29 Like, you have to be-

Joe Rogan 3:30 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 3:30 ... (laughs) you have to be the motherfucker-

Joe Rogan 3:33 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 3:33 ... to wear these glasses. And, uh, they're like $1,600.

Joe Rogan 3:36 Are they online? Can I see what they look like?

Robert Kelly 3:38 Um, yeah. His, uh, his name's Anthony Shit. I forget his name. Yeah, he has a whole Instagram.

Joe Rogan 3:44 Anthony Shit. (laughs)

Narrator 3:44 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 3:44 I can't ... No, not Anthony Shit.

Joe Rogan 3:46 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 3:46 Where's my phone? I can't, I can't-

Joe Rogan 3:47 Go grab your phone.

Robert Kelly 3:48 Hang on one sec.

Joe Rogan 3:48 Go grab your phone.

Robert Kelly 3:49 I'll tell you.

Joe Rogan 3:50 I want to see these.

Narrator 3:51 Oh.

Joe Rogan 3:51 'Cause those are dope. The ones you have. I love the red tint. There's something about rose-colored glasses. You know? Uh, I remember one time I was, like, super high, and I put on a pair of ro-

Narrator 4:00 Is it Anthony Aden?

Joe Rogan 4:01 Ro- What is it?

Narrator 4:01 Anthony Aden? Sorry.

Robert Kelly 4:02 Yep, Anthe- Anthony Aden. That's him.

Joe Rogan 4:04 Is this him right here? There he is.

Robert Kelly 4:05 This guy.

Joe Rogan 4:06 Anthony Aden Opticians.

Robert Kelly 4:07 Coolest guy ever.

Joe Rogan 4:09 East Village.

Robert Kelly 4:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:10 Where's the thunderbird ones?

Robert Kelly 4:11 Thunderbirds, yeah. Type in "thunderbird," um ...

Narrator 4:14 Yes.

Joe Rogan 4:14 Hm, here we go.

Robert Kelly 4:15 Yeah, I wanted these glasses-

Joe Rogan 4:16 Let's just have a search.

Robert Kelly 4:16 ... so bad, I couldn't pull the trigger, though. Because I, I'm just not, you know?

Joe Rogan 4:20 Zero results for thunderbirds.

Robert Kelly 4:22 Hm.

Joe Rogan 4:23 What about thunderbird?

Robert Kelly 4:24 Yep, I got a picture of it.

Joe Rogan 4:27 No?

Robert Kelly 4:27 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 4:27 No, nothing for birds? (laughs)

Robert Kelly 4:29 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:29 Just go through the catalog and see if you can find it. They look dope though. Page one of five.

Narrator 4:36 There's something at the end of the camera there.

Robert Kelly 4:36 Jean, go to ... Yeah, look at these glasses. Jean ... Yeah, uh, okay. There you go. Now you're getting there.

Joe Rogan 4:41 Look at these.

Robert Kelly 4:42 Jean ... Oh, yeah. I don't know. Maybe I ... There's a thunderbird on the side.

Narrator 4:46 Maybe they have them, like, behind the case.

Robert Kelly 4:49 No, it's ... He gets ... He only gets one pair in black, one pair in tortoiseshell. And they're six- like $1,700 without prescription.

Joe Rogan 4:58 Wow.

Robert Kelly 4:59 And, and they're, they're fucking nuts.

Joe Rogan 5:04 Hm.

Robert Kelly 5:04 There are, those are my glasses right there.

Joe Rogan 5:06 The ones right there?

Robert Kelly 5:07 Those are the, those are my-

Joe Rogan 5:08 Oh.

Robert Kelly 5:08 ... the ones. He made those and put them up on his site.

Joe Rogan 5:10 Very nice.

Robert Kelly 5:11 Yeah. Um, here, let me see. I got this picture of it. But I love guys like this-

Joe Rogan 5:16 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 5:16 ... who just take something and make it better.

Joe Rogan 5:19 Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it's cool. Craftsmanship.

Robert Kelly 5:24 Exa- ... That's exactly the word I would-

Joe Rogan 5:25 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 5:26 ... I'd ... Craftsmanship.

Joe Rogan 5:27 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 5:27 I'm a big fan of craftsmanship.

Joe Rogan 5:29 Me too. Yeah, I, I love when people make shit. You know, I love, uh, when people make art. I love when people make, like, tables, like this table-

Robert Kelly 5:37 Yes.

Joe Rogan 5:37 When I got this table done. I love the fact that somebody carved this. This is, uh, our friend Drew.

Robert Kelly 5:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:43 What was Drew's last name, Jamie? Who did the, the table? Drew Teague. He's a bad motherfucker, and he made us this table. We had another one like this at the old studio, but it was a little bit too big. It was enormous. And so we had him construct this.

Robert Kelly 5:59 Well, you look at a table like this, and you're like, "Yeah, I could do that." And then you realize-... how har- I watch wood stuff on Instagram all the time. It's my favorite. Just seeing some guy taking a tree and making it into something-

Joe Rogan 6:12 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 6:12 ... is nuts to me.

Joe Rogan 6:14 Why is that so, it's so satisfying, right? Watching someone carve things outta wood and saw and hammer and nail and make it all precise.

Robert Kelly 6:20 Yeah. Like, it, there's so much that goes into it and this one dude is just sitting there. And it was a tree.

Joe Rogan 6:27 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 6:27 It was, it was in a forest and now it's, it's in somebody's house and generations are gonna eat off this thing and talk about fucking everything.

Joe Rogan 6:35 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 6:36 My table's from the '50s.

Joe Rogan 6:38 Really?

Robert Kelly 6:38 I got a, um... Yeah, when we moved into my house up in Westchester, uh, they were like, "You wanna buy this furniture? 500 bucks." 'Cause the lady was dying or whatever, and she lived in the house her whole life. And when I looked at it, I'm like, "A 100%" 'cause it's mid-century modern, uh, you know, uh, furniture. It's like, the Danish were making this furniture, you know, Europe was making these amazing, uh, wood furniture back, like, Mad Men type of furniture.

Joe Rogan 7:05 Mm.

Robert Kelly 7:05 Right? I, and America started making 'em. I was like, "This is that stuff." So we took it and, uh, I found out the table's worth 2,800 bucks. The chairs are worth, uh, you know, 250 each. The liquor cabinet's worth 4,000. So all the-

Joe Rogan 7:19 Wow.

Robert Kelly 7:19 ... stuff we got was from the '50s when she got it. And I, I'm sitting there going, "This whole family grew up on this table."

Joe Rogan 7:27 Mm.

Robert Kelly 7:27 And now we, uh, it's very important in my house that when I'm home, we have dinner, um, me and my wife and my son. We sit at the table and we have dinner. And I talk, because that's the time where-

Joe Rogan 7:41 You bond.

Robert Kelly 7:42 You bond.

Joe Rogan 7:42 You find out about your day.

Robert Kelly 7:44 You need a break from-

Joe Rogan 7:45 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 7:45 ... your day.

Joe Rogan 7:46 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 7:46 Where, you know, you're doing all this shit and now you're gonna sit here and just talk. No iPads, no homework, no fucking Instagram, no bullshit. Just sit down and talk. And I'd say, "What was the best part? What was the worst part of your day?" You know? And, uh, "Uh, well, this happened." Recess, of course. I'm like, "No, fucking recess don't count."

Joe Rogan 8:05 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 8:06 (laughs) Lunch, "Nope, don't count."

Joe Rogan 8:07 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 8:08 You know? Uh, and, and we shi- we sit at this table and then someone's gonna buy this table in 50 years.

Joe Rogan 8:14 It's probably worth even more.

Robert Kelly 8:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:16 It's like you can't recreate a 1950s table. It is a, you know, you can make a, a copy of it, but it's not a 1950s. There's something about an old thing that's, like, baked in memories and thoughts and...

Robert Kelly 8:28 Yeah. Like there's a scrape on the table.

Joe Rogan 8:30 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 8:30 That's from their kid. I know it.

Joe Rogan 8:33 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Robert Kelly 8:33 That their kid did some stupid shit-

Joe Rogan 8:35 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 8:35 ... and she goes, "You scraped the table."

Joe Rogan 8:37 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 8:38 You know? And that, uh, he's prob- he's, he's gotta be like 60 now.

Joe Rogan 8:41 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 8:41 And if he came and saw it, he'd be like, "Dude, I did that, uh, when I was like seven. I just got a fork and I started scraping." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:48 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 8:48 You know what I mean?

Joe Rogan 8:49 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 8:49 There's a story behind that shit. It's like, like a Rolex.

Joe Rogan 8:52 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 8:53 When you get a really nice watch, the craftsmanship that goes into that watch, fuck the watch. Like, "Oh, I got a Rolex." It's not about that. There's like-

Joe Rogan 9:01 Engineering.

Robert Kelly 9:02 ... the engineering of it, and then when you scratch it for the first time, you get so bummed out. But it, that's your scratch.

Joe Rogan 9:09 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 9:09 You know what I mean? So the next guy that gets this watch, or my son when he gets it, that's my life. There's-

Joe Rogan 9:15 There's a big market for those really old Rolexes.

Robert Kelly 9:17 I know.

Joe Rogan 9:17 People love those.

Robert Kelly 9:18 You can't get 'em. You can't get 'em.

Joe Rogan 9:20 Real old ones. Go to Bob's. You know, Bob's Watches? Do you know what that is?

Robert Kelly 9:23 Yeah. No, yeah. I know about-

Joe Rogan 9:24 Yeah. Oh, you're a, so you're a watch guy?

Robert Kelly 9:26 I li-

Joe Rogan 9:26 You're into watches?

Robert Kelly 9:26 I, I like watches, yeah. I'm a big fan of, uh, of, of watches. Yeah. I love 'em.

Joe Rogan 9:30 Yeah. Me too.

Robert Kelly 9:30 I love 'em. I go, I go to Mayers in, um, Tampa, and I go to, uh, Watches of Switzerland in New York because-

Joe Rogan 9:37 What is Mayers?

Robert Kelly 9:38 Mayers is a big watch place in, uh-

Joe Rogan 9:42 Just a watch collector's place?

Robert Kelly 9:44 ... in Tampa. No, they're just, uh, Watches of Switzerland.

Joe Rogan 9:46 Jewelry store? Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 9:46 It's like an authorized Rolex dealer.

Joe Rogan 9:49 Ah.

Robert Kelly 9:49 So you wanna go-

Joe Rogan 9:50 So just, you're just all about Rolexes?

Robert Kelly 9:52 Uh, no, I like, I like German watches. Um, I got a, I like, I like watches. Like when I went to, when I toured with Louis, uh, in Europe this year, in Paris, I was like, "I wanna get a French watch." I got this $400 watch called Lip. It's just L-I-P.

Joe Rogan 10:07 Hmm.

Robert Kelly 10:08 It's a, it's a nice watch. It's a diver's watch. It's not, it's 400 bucks, but it's, it's gorgeous. It's a... I like watches. I have, uh, two, uh, Fenix, the Garmin watches.

Joe Rogan 10:20 Mm.

Robert Kelly 10:21 I love the Garmin watch-

Joe Rogan 10:22 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 10:22 ... 'cause it lasts for 68 days.

Joe Rogan 10:24 Yeah, I've got one of those. Yeah.

Robert Kelly 10:25 They're the best. Like Apple Watch, I got one of those, but it lasts 24 hours and you gotta recharge it. And if you haven't-

Joe Rogan 10:30 They have a new one, the Ultra.

Robert Kelly 10:31 Looks good, yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:32 Lasts a couple days.

Robert Kelly 10:33 Yeah, um-

Joe Rogan 10:33 But it's fat. It's like a toaster.

Robert Kelly 10:34 It's still like two days. Like the Garmin is, it's 68 days.

Joe Rogan 10:38 Yeah. Yeah.

Robert Kelly 10:38 If you set it right.

Joe Rogan 10:39 And, and also, like, if you run the GPS, it's, it's less. But it-

Robert Kelly 10:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:43 ... has that option. You can run GPS on it. Like, you, like it track your whereabouts and shit.

Robert Kelly 10:47 100%. Yeah. It's s-

Joe Rogan 10:48 Yeah, it's nice.

Robert Kelly 10:48 ... something a- I love watches. I love that whole, that whole, uh, I love knives. Like-

Joe Rogan 10:54 Me too.

Robert Kelly 10:55 Uh, you have a, did you get a Jack Lore yet?

Joe Rogan 10:57 No. What is that?

Robert Kelly 10:58 It's a, it's a bushcraft knife.

Joe Rogan 11:01 Bushcraft?

Robert Kelly 11:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:03 Are you learning bushcraft, Bobby? (laughs)

Robert Kelly 11:04 Dude, I... (laughs) Buddy, I'm telling ya.

Joe Rogan 11:07 By the way, you should never take those glasses off.

Robert Kelly 11:08 Why?

Joe Rogan 11:09 They're perfect for you.

Robert Kelly 11:10 (laughs) Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 11:10 Aren't they? They're perfect.

Robert Kelly 11:12 I gotta take 'em off at some point.

Joe Rogan 11:14 Every now and then.

Robert Kelly 11:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:15 Take 'em off when you fuck and then... (laughs)

Robert Kelly 11:17 Dude, yeah, well then I guess I'm never gonna take 'em off. I'm 15 years married.

Joe Rogan 11:22 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 11:22 Fucking goddamn it. Um, um-

Joe Rogan 11:26 Bushcraft.

Robert Kelly 11:27 Bushcraft, dude. I love bushcraft.

Joe Rogan 11:28 What does that mean? What does that word mean?

Robert Kelly 11:30 Mm, I mean-

Joe Rogan 11:31 It means like-

Robert Kelly 11:31 I don't-

Joe Rogan 11:31 ... learning how to, like, live in the bush, right?

Robert Kelly 11:33 I'm not... (laughs) It, I don't, I'm not a bushcrafter. You never heard of me and Ari and Joe List, the Bushcraft Party Boys?

Joe Rogan 11:40 (laughs) No.

Robert Kelly 11:42 (laughs) You've never...

Joe Rogan 11:43 No. (laughs) You say it like it's, like a fucking hit album or something.

Robert Kelly 11:47 (laughs) It was-

Joe Rogan 11:48 How would I know?

Robert Kelly 11:48 It was a fucking hit. It was a hit.

Joe Rogan 11:50 I've never heard of it. What's the Bushcraft Party Boys? What does that mean?

Robert Kelly 11:53 Dude, we... Bushcrafting is like when you go in the woods and you survive. You make a-

Joe Rogan 11:59 Right.

Robert Kelly 11:59 ... shelter.

Joe Rogan 12:00 Right.

Robert Kelly 12:00 You make a chair. You, you, you, you get all the stuff you need.

Joe Rogan 12:03 Do you know how to do all that stuff?

Robert Kelly 12:04 And I, yeah, I know how to do it. It's not-

Joe Rogan 12:05 Can you start a fire?

Robert Kelly 12:06 Yeah, 100%.

Joe Rogan 12:07 With flint?

Robert Kelly 12:08 Uh, with... I, I haven't done flint, but I have a flint.... I do have a-

Joe Rogan 12:12 Oh.

Robert Kelly 12:12 ... steel and flint. But I, you know, um, I have a ferro rod. It comes with a knife.

Joe Rogan 12:16 Oh.

Robert Kelly 12:16 Like a bushcraft... Like this guy, Jack Laugher and Ray Mears is the guy who started it in England, uh, bushcraft, big bushcraft guy, and they'll just go out in the woods and, uh... Did it go out?

Joe Rogan 12:28 Yeah, thank you.

Robert Kelly 12:29 Um, and they have these knives that you can pretty much do everything with.

Joe Rogan 12:33 Hmm.

Robert Kelly 12:34 Like you just go in, you'll make a shelter. Everything with this knife, you can do.

Joe Rogan 12:38 Is that you guys?

Robert Kelly 12:39 That's us. That's the Bushcraft Party boys.

Joe Rogan 12:41 Where, where were you guys? That's beautiful.

Robert Kelly 12:42 So dude, I'll tell you.

Joe Rogan 12:44 That's gorgeous. Where is that? That's beautiful.

Robert Kelly 12:45 That's in New York. That's the Catskills.

Joe Rogan 12:47 Oh, that's a good place to get Lyme disease.

Robert Kelly 12:49 So, uh, we, we go up (laughs) . This is so crazy. We go up... All right, check this out. We go up. I find the spot where we're gonna go hiking, right? So we hiked two miles up this road. It's, it's an old dirt road, um, that they used to... you know, horse and buggy used to go up. And you get to the top and there's an old hotel, but it's all just the, you know, the frame of it.

Joe Rogan 13:14 Dilapidated.

Robert Kelly 13:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:15 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 13:15 But it's, it's creepy and beautiful and awesome. You get to the top, it's two hours up to the top. Then you go down the other side and it's a regular trail, and that's another two hours down to this lake. I, I think... I forget what lake it is. Echo Lake. And it's all... It's called primitive camping.

Joe Rogan 13:30 This is beautiful. That lake is so pretty.

Robert Kelly 13:33 It's un- it's unbelievable. And it's all beavers are in there. They've... You can see all the trees. There's a photo of it.

Joe Rogan 13:38 Are there fish in that lake?

Robert Kelly 13:39 Yeah, there's fish. There's everything.

Joe Rogan 13:40 Did you guys fish?

Robert Kelly 13:41 No, we didn't fish. We're not fishing.

Joe Rogan 13:44 Hmm.

Robert Kelly 13:44 But I brought... Dude, I brought filet mignon Italian sausages.

Joe Rogan 13:46 Oh, nice. Did you?

Robert Kelly 13:48 (laughs) Yeah, I cooked everything.

Joe Rogan 13:49 Look at that. Is that... Did you film that coyote?

Robert Kelly 13:50 No, no, no. So we're, we're out there and I'm the one who kinda knows about all this stuff. So I told him about the bears. So we get up there. I'm like, you know, "This is how you... You gotta hang a bear bag. You gotta... You know, if you're gonna take a shit, it's gotta be 155... 150, uh, feet from the trail and water. You gotta dig it out, you poop." I... You know, you can't just shit.

Joe Rogan 14:11 Right.

Robert Kelly 14:11 You have to dig it out, poop, wipe, put that in the hole. Take baby wipes. You gotta carry that out with you back in a Ziploc bag. All this stuff. Snakes. There's huge, um, rattlesnakes up in the Catskills. Uh, big, big rattlesnakes up there.

Joe Rogan 14:25 Really?

Robert Kelly 14:26 Yeah, you have to be very careful of rattlesnakes.

Joe Rogan 14:28 So is there a lot of black bears up there? Is that what it is?

Robert Kelly 14:30 There's black bears up there. I told him about that. But, you know, they're, they're gonna stay away. I was just, "Don't have food in your tent."

Joe Rogan 14:36 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 14:36 "You can't..." There's certain things, like... 'Cause we're primitive camping. There's nobody around.

Joe Rogan 14:39 Right.

Robert Kelly 14:39 There's nobody around for four hours.

Joe Rogan 14:41 How deep did you get in there? How, how far did you walk in?

Robert Kelly 14:43 We walked four hours in.

Joe Rogan 14:44 Like, what does that mean?

Robert Kelly 14:45 So two hours up, two hours down the back.

Joe Rogan 14:46 Wow.

Robert Kelly 14:47 So if somebody gets hurt, it's gonna be a problem.

Joe Rogan 14:49 Hmm.

Robert Kelly 14:50 So we were... I mean, I cooked up a storm. I have this, uh, it's called the fire box. It's this little steel box that's flat-

Joe Rogan 14:57 Sure, I know what that is.

Robert Kelly 14:57 ... and it opens up. Right.

Joe Rogan 14:58 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 14:59 I cooked everybody rice pilaf. We had this sick meal.

Joe Rogan 15:01 Dude, look at you. You guys have rain gear and everything?

Robert Kelly 15:05 Oh, everything. We had a-

Joe Rogan 15:06 Wow.

Robert Kelly 15:07 We had food, we, we had cigars, we had the fire.

Joe Rogan 15:10 How many days you guys stay up there?

Robert Kelly 15:11 We did one day. We went up for one night, packed up.

Joe Rogan 15:14 That's fucking beautiful.

Robert Kelly 15:15 So we get into the... I went early because I'm old, so I get into my tent around 11:30. Around 1:30, I hear them zipping up that tent.

Joe Rogan 15:22 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 15:23 And, uh, they get in and then as soon as they got in their tent, a pack of coyotes (laughs) . And I don't know if you ever heard a pack of coyotes.

Joe Rogan 15:31 Oh yeah, sure.

Robert Kelly 15:32 I've never heard them. I didn't understand the noise. It doesn't sound-

Joe Rogan 15:36 Oh, wow.

Robert Kelly 15:36 It sounds like something's being murdered.

Joe Rogan 15:37 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 15:38 I, I thought (imitates coyote howl) or something like that. It's like (imitates coyote howl) .

Joe Rogan 15:42 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 15:43 It's the scariest fucking sound. The-

Joe Rogan 15:46 You know what they're doing when they do that?

Robert Kelly 15:47 I-

Joe Rogan 15:47 They do roll call.

Robert Kelly 15:49 Is that what they're doing?

Joe Rogan 15:49 Yeah, they're making sure... Either they kill something and they want to let everybody know that they killed something so they let all the other coyotes know, or they're doing roll call. And here's what's interesting. When they do roll call, if one of the coyotes doesn't respond, that means the coyote probably got killed. And when a coyote gets killed, the female coyotes in the pack produce more litter. It's one of the reasons why coyotes are everywhere. They're one of the most unusual animals in North America, in that when their populations decrease, the female litters increase. Like they make more babies-

Robert Kelly 16:21 Right.

Joe Rogan 16:21 ... and they spread their territory out.

Robert Kelly 16:23 Right.

Joe Rogan 16:23 'Cause they used to be limited to the west, but then when... In the, the 1800s and the 1900s when people started shooting them and running them off, like when, when they, um, extirpated the wolves. Like wolves are... Basically they were, uh-

Robert Kelly 16:37 Did you just use the word extirpated?

Joe Rogan 16:38 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 16:39 Yeah. I had no idea what that means.

Joe Rogan 16:40 When they removed the wolves-

Robert Kelly 16:41 (laughs) Thank you for dumbing it down.

Joe Rogan 16:43 Yeah, when they removed all the wol-... They killed all the wolves-

Robert Kelly 16:45 Right.

Joe Rogan 16:46 ... in the west. When they were doing that to the coyotes, it didn't work. The coyotes just spread out.

Robert Kelly 16:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:51 And now there's coyotes in every city in America.

Robert Kelly 16:54 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:55 And there are wolves.

Robert Kelly 16:55 I just saw one. It got hit on the, uh, West Side Highway.

Joe Rogan 16:58 Yeah, they're everywhere.

Robert Kelly 16:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:59 They're all... They're in Manhattan.

Robert Kelly 17:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 17:01 They're all over Central Park and then people are like, "No way." Like, yeah, there's videos of them in the Bronx-

Robert Kelly 17:05 They're in my neighborhood.

Joe Rogan 17:06 ... in the abandoned houses.

Robert Kelly 17:07 100%.

Joe Rogan 17:08 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 17:08 But we were... I do... We're four mile... We're four hours away from anything. It's 1:30 in the morning. It's me, Ari Shaffir and Joe List.

Joe Rogan 17:14 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 17:15 Not the-

Joe Rogan 17:17 Most robust humans.

Robert Kelly 17:18 ... not the Navy S-... (laughs) Not the Navy SEAL team you're looking for, right?

Joe Rogan 17:21 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 17:21 You know, I'm, I'm, I'm huge, right?

Joe Rogan 17:23 Did you guys bring a firearm or anything?

Robert Kelly 17:25 I had, I had my Jack-... I had my knife, my bushcraft knife.

Joe Rogan 17:29 Oh, well there you go.

Robert Kelly 17:30 I, I... Ari had one and I gave Joe List my broken buck knife that he didn't know was broken and I had bear spray.

Joe Rogan 17:36 Okay.

Robert Kelly 17:36 I took bear spray just in case, you know?

Joe Rogan 17:38 Just in case.

Robert Kelly 17:38 And, uh, I mean, they screamed. Dude, it was terrifying. Terrifying.

Joe Rogan 17:42 Yep.

Robert Kelly 17:42 The noise is terrifying and then right when it stopped, Joe List went, "What do we do about that?" (laughs) I was like... (laughs) And then my-

Joe Rogan 17:52 That's awesome.

Robert Kelly 17:52 Then, then my he-... my, my pad, my sleeping pad broke. It just pops.

Joe Rogan 17:57 Oh, you got one of those air pads? Yeah.

Robert Kelly 17:59 That was just... Dude, I'm... You know, I was huge at the time. I'm fucking massive. (laughs) It's not my... It wasn't my weight, you know what I mean? It was just... popped it. So I gotta keep rolling around all night. Ari keeps hearing me roll around trying to get my pad together and he thinks I'm being attacked. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:14 (laughs) So Ari in the middle of the night, "Bobby, what the fuck's happening? Are you all right?"

Robert Kelly 18:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:18 "I'm fucking fine. My pad's broken. Shut the fuck up."

Robert Kelly 18:21 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:22 So crazy. (laughs)

Robert Kelly 18:24 (laughs) Yeah, it was great. We've done it a couple times.

Joe Rogan 18:26 Oh, that's awesome.

Robert Kelly 18:27 We've gone out a, a couple times. I got a, a, a whole show I'm shooting next summer, comedy camp.

Joe Rogan 18:34 R- Really?

Robert Kelly 18:34 Yeah, dude. I'm taking five comics up into the woods for five days. No cellphones-

Joe Rogan 18:40 If you take... (sighs)

Robert Kelly 18:41 ... no managers, no nothing.

Joe Rogan 18:42 If you're bringing... Oh, no managers, that's hilarious.

Robert Kelly 18:44 Nope.

Joe Rogan 18:44 Would your manager wanna go?

Robert Kelly 18:45 Well, you know the-

Joe Rogan 18:46 Whose fucking manager would wanna go there?

Robert Kelly 18:47 Well, some of these things that, you know, there's a hotel, or you break, or you go back to the thing, or your agent's there.

Joe Rogan 18:53 Oh, yeah.

Robert Kelly 18:53 Dude, we're... I'm taking Jim Norton, I'm taking Russell Peters, Beth Stelling, I'm taking, uh, myself, and there's one more comic we're gonna pick. We'll go into the woods for five days and we-

Joe Rogan 19:04 That's amazing.

Robert Kelly 19:05 ... we're gonna do bushcrafting. Like, you're gonna light the fire. And you get patches on your sash, like a Girl Scout. And whoever... Raise money for charity. Whoever wins, uh, gives a certain amount of money to the charity. You get to do a solo in the woods by yourself, set up your camp, set up your fire, do all that shit for comics. It's like... You know The, the Show Alone, right?

Joe Rogan 19:28 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 19:28 I, I... It's one of my favorite shows ever.

Joe Rogan 19:30 It's a great show.

Robert Kelly 19:31 It's such a good show.

Joe Rogan 19:32 I had one of the guys who won on the podcast.

Robert Kelly 19:33 I saw it. It was-

Joe Rogan 19:34 He's really, really interesting. He's, he's fascinating.

Robert Kelly 19:37 They all, they all are.

Joe Rogan 19:38 This guy lived with, um, the tribal people in Siberia.

Robert Kelly 19:42 Right.

Joe Rogan 19:43 He lived, uh, in, with reindeer herders, which is really amazing.

Robert Kelly 19:47 See, I'd love... If I had another life, dude, I would go do that shit.

Joe Rogan 19:50 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 19:51 I would go... I would just... Fuck all, just let it go and go how, just live. You know, those guys are out there f- What a show concept. S- How... Whoever stays the longest wins.

Joe Rogan 20:02 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 20:02 And you can always tell who's, who's gonna be kicked off, who's gonna leave first. "I'll miss my kid."

Joe Rogan 20:07 That guy, Jordan, who went out there, he was stealing. He was stealing, 'cause he, he had so much information. He was... Like, it was, it was, uh, it was like a rigged game.

Robert Kelly 20:16 Is that the guy who killed the moose?

Joe Rogan 20:18 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 20:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:18 Like, he was so far ahead of everybody. It's like he was stealing money. It's like you're not gonna (laughs) , you're not staying out there longer than that guy.

Robert Kelly 20:25 Well, yeah, but, but it's funny because, uh, the guys who have the kids and the wife that they love, they're gone.

Joe Rogan 20:31 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 20:31 They're just done.

Joe Rogan 20:31 It's hard.

Robert Kelly 20:33 It's hard, I get it, but it's like, it's three days in and you're like, "I miss my wife." It's like, "Dude, shut up. Just-"

Joe Rogan 20:40 Yeah, just accept it.

Robert Kelly 20:41 "... at least do 20 days." You know what I mean? And...

Joe Rogan 20:44 He, Jordan did, I think 60.

Robert Kelly 20:46 60 something day, I think-

Joe Rogan 20:47 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 20:47 ... the most is 80 something.

Joe Rogan 20:48 Wow.

Robert Kelly 20:49 Uh, and this guy, I think he had a shovel, a sharp shovel, and he just knew how to do it. I forget his name. I follow him on Instagram. But that guy, he, he knows that fat is the key to surviving.

Joe Rogan 20:59 Mm-hmm. Well, though remember when Wolverine ate his fat?

Robert Kelly 21:02 Ate his fat. (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:03 And so he had to kill the wolverine.

Robert Kelly 21:04 That's great.

Joe Rogan 21:04 So he killed the wolverine with a fucking ax.

Robert Kelly 21:06 Yeah. That's some man shit.

Joe Rogan 21:08 That's hard shit.

Robert Kelly 21:09 That's some hardcore shit.

Joe Rogan 21:10 I ran into a badger when I was in... Did I tell you about this, Jamie? I didn't tell you. I ran into a badger when I was in, uh, Utah in the mountains hunting-

Robert Kelly 21:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:19 ... a couple weeks ago.

Robert Kelly 21:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:20 And, uh, I, we p- stopped the truck. The headlights are on this badger, it was in the middle of the road. And I said, "Let me go get a fucking photo with this badger." And as I walked up to it and started filming it, its hair went up and it started walking towards me.

Robert Kelly 21:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:32 This little thing.

Robert Kelly 21:33 Yeah. Little joke.

Joe Rogan 21:34 And I'm like, "Oh, whoops, gotta go." (laughs) I fucking jumped back.

Robert Kelly 21:37 Did you see that video of the badger fighting a pack of lions?

Joe Rogan 21:40 Uh, I've seen that, yeah, yeah.

Robert Kelly 21:41 That's crazy.

Joe Rogan 21:42 No, it's amazing.

Robert Kelly 21:42 And he, and it won.

Joe Rogan 21:44 Yeah, they're fucking terrifying animals.

Robert Kelly 21:46 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:46 They, they're so ferocious. Let me find this, 'cause I got, uh, this in here. It's, uh, it's... They're... It's amazing that an animal that small, like a wolverine or a badger-

Robert Kelly 21:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:57 ... that big animals are terrified of it.

Robert Kelly 22:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:00 Like big predators are terrified of it. Like, "What the fuck? What are they doing?" Let me find this.

Robert Kelly 22:05 But it's... That show so great, but even that guy, because it's like, "Okay, fine. I know the animals, that moose will kill you, uh, uh, wolverine will kill you. But if you know what you're doing, y- you're the top of the food chain."

Joe Rogan 22:17 Yeah. "If you know what you're doing."

Robert Kelly 22:19 "If you know what you're doing, you're the top." And that guy was pretty amazing.

Joe Rogan 22:22 Well, humans with weapons are always at the top of the food chain, but humans without weapons (laughs) are at the bottom.

Robert Kelly 22:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:28 I mean, you can get killed by a rat. Like You have very little shot at anything if you're a fucking, a human with no weapon.

Robert Kelly 22:35 Right.

Joe Rogan 22:35 I got it in here somewhere. I'm not gonna fi... Oh, there it is. Here, I'll, I'll send this to you, Jamie.

Robert Kelly 22:44 Cigar is so good, dude.

Joe Rogan 22:45 They're good, right?

Robert Kelly 22:46 No, this is the, one of the... Most people who get a cigar, like, "It's my cigar." It's garbage.

Joe Rogan 22:51 I know. Like when, uh, Nick from Foundation Cigar sent these to me, I was very skeptical.

Robert Kelly 22:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:57 Very skeptical.

Robert Kelly 22:57 It's, it's such a great cigar. I mean-

Joe Rogan 23:00 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 23:00 ... it's, it's, it's one of my favorites. And it's crazy you can't even get it.

Joe Rogan 23:03 Well, yeah. Look at it. This is it right here. So... Give me some volume here. So this is, uh, we, we're... It's, like, just at the end of the day. Hey, man. (laughs)

Robert Kelly 23:14 (laughs) "Hey, man."

Joe Rogan 23:16 So I'm just walking up to it, trying to film it.

Robert Kelly 23:21 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 23:22 I'm like, "Nope, gotta go."

Robert Kelly 23:23 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:23 "See you."

Robert Kelly 23:24 Yeah, exactly. I love that anytime somebody sees an animal, we always talk to him like it's like a, like a surfer. "Hey, what's up, dude?"

Joe Rogan 23:32 Yeah. "What up, bro?" (laughs)

Robert Kelly 23:33 "Hey, bro. Hey, man. You cool, dude? Nah, you're not cool? Okay."

Joe Rogan 23:36 I'd never seen one in the wild before.

Robert Kelly 23:38 That's wild.

Joe Rogan 23:38 They're just such an interesting looking... Like a little pit bull covered in fur, just like... (growls)

Robert Kelly 23:45 Right.

Joe Rogan 23:45 (growls) So funny.

Robert Kelly 23:46 It's funny 'cause you... I li- I bou- I bought a tiny house, I was telling you, up in New Hampshire.

Joe Rogan 23:49 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 23:50 And I wanna see animals so bad. We went up, we go up, uh, in the summertime for two months. And, uh-

Joe Rogan 23:56 You don't see anything up there?

Robert Kelly 23:57 I haven't seen... I saw a deer, but I know there's-

Joe Rogan 24:00 Oh, a deer?

Robert Kelly 24:00 I know there's be- bear. I know there's a lot of bear. I know there's a lot of, uh, meerkats and, and, and, you know, mountain lions and stuff like that. But I haven't seen them. When you want to see them is when you don't see him.

Joe Rogan 24:09 There's moose up there, too.

Robert Kelly 24:11 Moose. There's everything up there.

Joe Rogan 24:12 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 24:12 There was more...... uh, animal sightings in Westchester on my ring cam-

Joe Rogan 24:17 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 24:18 ... than there was.

Joe Rogan 24:19 The deer. Deer in Westchester are off the charts.

Robert Kelly 24:21 It's great.

Joe Rogan 24:22 There's so many.

Robert Kelly 24:22 There's bear too. There's bear.

Joe Rogan 24:24 Yep.

Robert Kelly 24:24 There's, uh, a bobcat.

Joe Rogan 24:26 Wow.

Robert Kelly 24:26 There's a bobcat. There's coyote everywhere.

Joe Rogan 24:29 Well, they have a real, um, bear problem in New Jersey. You wanna know about this? This is kinda crazy. The highest population of bears in the entire country is in New Jersey.

Robert Kelly 24:40 That's crazy.

Joe Rogan 24:41 There's more bears per capita in New Jersey.

Robert Kelly 24:44 Because you can't kill 'em.

Joe Rogan 24:45 'Cause you can't kill 'em now.

Robert Kelly 24:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:46 They used to be able to-

Robert Kelly 24:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:47 ... until this new governor. This new governor came along, "Let's stop the bear hunt."

Robert Kelly 24:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:52 "'Cause they're teddy bears and they're yogi and they're our friends."

Robert Kelly 24:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:56 Did you see the video? I posted a video on my Instagram yesterday of a hiker. He's, uh, uh, climbing up this mountain.

Robert Kelly 25:02 Yes. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:02 And the bear comes down the mountain-

Robert Kelly 25:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:04 ... and tries to eat him.

Robert Kelly 25:05 Yeah, I saw that.

Joe Rogan 25:05 And he, and he's like-

Robert Kelly 25:06 Kicking it?

Joe Rogan 25:06 ... screaming. And the noises this guy makes, put, pull that up. The noises this guy makes are so fucking primal. He's like... (screams)

Robert Kelly 25:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:16 'Cause he's about to get... Let me give you some-

Narrator 25:17 (screaming)

Joe Rogan 25:18 Look at that thing. That's a small bear too. He's lucky. That's probably like a six-foot bear.

Narrator 25:29 (screaming)

Robert Kelly 25:30 (laughs) I can't, I can't fuck with them though, dude, 'cause you'd think, you, you'd think you'd do something.

Joe Rogan 25:34 No. There's not much you can do. He-

Narrator 25:36 (screaming)

Joe Rogan 25:36 It was really interesting, like play it again because at the beginning of it, he's, um, he's... It comes right down at him.

Narrator 25:43 (screaming)

Joe Rogan 25:44 Right down from the top and tries to bite him and then runs back at him.

Narrator 25:47 (screaming)

Robert Kelly 25:50 He's lucky he had the high ground after that.

Joe Rogan 25:52 (laughs) He kicks like a bitch too. He's lucky.

Narrator 25:53 (screaming)

Joe Rogan 25:53 He's lucky that bear didn't just bite his foot off.

Robert Kelly 25:57 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:57 Poor guy, man.

Narrator 25:59 (screaming)

Joe Rogan 26:00 Those noises.

Robert Kelly 26:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:01 Jesus Christ, those noises are so primal.

Robert Kelly 26:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:04 Poor dude.

Robert Kelly 26:05 Is that what you called him?

Joe Rogan 26:06 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 26:07 Primal?

Joe Rogan 26:08 It's the... (screaming)

Robert Kelly 26:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:10 You know, uh, Anthony Cumio sent me a text message this morning. He was like, that's like what you would, like caveman noises. What you'd expect a caveman like... (screams)

Robert Kelly 26:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:18 Like, that's what it sounds like.

Robert Kelly 26:19 Yeah, it's funny.

Joe Rogan 26:19 It's like the, the fucking, the DNA of you, like the... Forget about your language.

Robert Kelly 26:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:25 Just noise.

Robert Kelly 26:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:27 (screaming)

Robert Kelly 26:27 'Cause you don't know, you... I always think I know what I'd do.

Joe Rogan 26:31 Oh, yeah.

Robert Kelly 26:31 Bear, bear, be- you know, you're supposed to... You see the bear, back bear.

Joe Rogan 26:35 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 26:35 Like in my head. But if that happened to me, I'd probably make the same...

Joe Rogan 26:39 100% I'd make that noise. Yeah.

Robert Kelly 26:40 Probably a little higher pitched.

Joe Rogan 26:42 Well, 100% I'd have a gun.

Robert Kelly 26:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:44 So I'd shoot that thing right in the fucking face 100%.

Robert Kelly 26:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:47 You know, you, you can only kick them so many times. Like if-

Robert Kelly 26:50 Right.

Joe Rogan 26:50 ... if you have a gun on you-

Robert Kelly 26:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:52 ... that's, that's way better.

Robert Kelly 26:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:53 That, that situation is scary.

Robert Kelly 26:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:55 'Cause people get eaten by bears all the time. It is a common occurrence.

Robert Kelly 27:00 But bear spray, I heard this, bear spray is less, uh, effective than regular mace.

Joe Rogan 27:07 Really?

Robert Kelly 27:08 Because they don't wanna ha- we can go wash our eyes out, bears can't. So they make it less powerful because they can't wipe their eyes off, so they have-

Joe Rogan 27:17 Is that true? Hmm.

Robert Kelly 27:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:18 I didn't know that.

Robert Kelly 27:19 I mean-

Joe Rogan 27:19 I would've thought it would be more po-

Robert Kelly 27:20 ... it's true because I said it.

Joe Rogan 27:21 I would've thought it'd be more powerful.

Robert Kelly 27:22 (laughs) It's probably-

Joe Rogan 27:22 Because they come in these big canisters.

Robert Kelly 27:24 No, it's less powerful 'cause they can't go wipe their face off.

Joe Rogan 27:27 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 27:28 And you know, they can't go to a lake and just get their eyes out, you know?

Joe Rogan 27:31 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 27:31 So they make it less powerful.

Joe Rogan 27:33 Oh.

Robert Kelly 27:34 I mean, that's a fact for me.

Joe Rogan 27:35 Fuck that then.

Robert Kelly 27:36 That's, yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:36 Then I would take mace.

Robert Kelly 27:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:38 Yeah, I don't give a fuck if they're washing their eyes out.

Robert Kelly 27:40 I heard bears-

Joe Rogan 27:41 Figure it out.

Robert Kelly 27:41 I heard bears... But they don't... Like a black bear, a black bear you become bigger. A brown bear you become smaller, right?

Joe Rogan 27:48 It depends. That situation-

Robert Kelly 27:50 And a polar bear-

Joe Rogan 27:51 That was a black bear.

Robert Kelly 27:51 ... you just fucking say goodbye.

Joe Rogan 27:52 Yeah, polar bear, you're fucked.

Robert Kelly 27:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:53 Polar bears are different because they only eat meat.

Robert Kelly 27:56 Right.

Joe Rogan 27:56 So a black bear will eat berries and it'll eat leaves and grass and it'll also eat meat.

Robert Kelly 28:02 Right.

Joe Rogan 28:02 A grizzly bear, same thing. Polar bear, there's no grass where it lives so all they do is eat meat. They're the most predatory of all bears.

Robert Kelly 28:09 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:10 You ever heard of a short-faced bear?

Robert Kelly 28:11 No.

Joe Rogan 28:12 That was the bear that probably kept human beings from crossing the Bering Strait. The Bering landmass, uh, before the i- when, during the Ice Age-

Robert Kelly 28:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:21 ... when the continents were connected and you could walk-

Robert Kelly 28:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:23 ... from Asia to America, there was a bear called the short-faced bear that died off when all the megafauna died in, uh, somewhere around 12,000 years ago. There was a mass extinction of, uh, megafauna and the short-faced bear was amongst them. It was like twice the size of a polar bear.

Robert Kelly 28:39 Jesus Christ.

Joe Rogan 28:40 And it had long limbs, like so it's like a cat.

Robert Kelly 28:43 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 28:43 Like find a photo of a short-faced bear in comparison to a person.

Robert Kelly 28:47 Holy shit.

Joe Rogan 28:48 Look at the fucking size of that thing. I mean, could you imagine if you saw that thing running towards you? Like what do you... You know, that's it, you're done. You-

Robert Kelly 28:57 But this is why I love man because they found a way to take that down and make a coat out of it. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:04 (laughs) With, with a rock connected to a stick.

Robert Kelly 29:06 Yeah. They were like, "There's a man."

Joe Rogan 29:08 Yeah. Fucking look at that thing, man. Just imagine being a primitive man with like animal skins covering your dick wandering through the forest trying to find a squirrel to feed your children. I mean-

Robert Kelly 29:18 Why don't they make a movie... They made one movie a long time ago with a crazy bear. I don't know if you remember it. I forget the name of it. There was, you know, some nuclear lake and the animals ate out of it and-

Joe Rogan 29:29 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 29:29 ... tadpoles were this big. And there was a fucking bear like that just going around killing everybody.

Joe Rogan 29:36 What was it called?

Robert Kelly 29:37 I, uh... It started with a P. It was scary as shit though.

Joe Rogan 29:41 Prophecy.

Robert Kelly 29:42 Prophecy.

Joe Rogan 29:42 Oh, I remember that.

Robert Kelly 29:43 Remember this movie?

Joe Rogan 29:45 That was 1979?

Robert Kelly 29:47 Right.

Joe Rogan 29:47 Wow, I didn't know. You know that's when Alien was, the movie Alien? That was 1979.

Robert Kelly 29:51 Really?

Joe Rogan 29:52 Yeah, I thought it was li- might- way later than that. That's Prophecy.

Robert Kelly 29:54 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:55 Look at that fucking stupid thing. (laughs)

Robert Kelly 29:57 That thing go... It's people just being in a tent and it just goes... And just-

Joe Rogan 30:01 Oh my God, that's amazing.

Robert Kelly 30:03 ... just attacks. Yeah, look at the, look at the car.

Joe Rogan 30:04 That's amazing. Look at it. (screams) (laughs)

Robert Kelly 30:05 That's a... Nice truck. Was that a-

Joe Rogan 30:09 Look at that bear.

Robert Kelly 30:09 ... was that a Defender? That's a, an old Jeep maybe? That's a fucking... That's hilarious. Um, yeah, they're... You, you think you would have like, "Oh, this is the movie." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:23 (laughs) Cool old cars.

Robert Kelly 30:25 Oh, look who's in it?

Joe Rogan 30:26 Oh my God, what's her face from Rocky.

Robert Kelly 30:28 Doesn't that suck that she's what's her face from Rocky?

Joe Rogan 30:30 That's what she is.

Robert Kelly 30:30 (laughs) I know, but it's-

Joe Rogan 30:31 That's what's her face from Rocky.

Robert Kelly 30:32 That's Adrian.

Joe Rogan 30:33 Talia Shire?

Robert Kelly 30:33 Talia, that's what's his name's sister. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:36 Who?

Robert Kelly 30:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:37 (laughs) Paulie, Paulie's sister.

Robert Kelly 30:40 No, no.

Joe Rogan 30:40 Yeah, she was hot.

Robert Kelly 30:41 Uh, the guy who directed the g- the Godfather.

Joe Rogan 30:43 Oh, oh, really?

Robert Kelly 30:46 Francis Ford Coppola. What am I, an ass?

Joe Rogan 30:47 That's his sister?

Robert Kelly 30:48 That's his sister.

Joe Rogan 30:49 No, she was hot in Rocky.

Robert Kelly 30:50 Smoking.

Joe Rogan 30:51 When he took the glasses off of her-

Robert Kelly 30:52 Dude, yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:53 ... I was like, "Holy shit, she's hot under that."

Robert Kelly 30:54 Yeah. How hot was she in Rocky III?

Joe Rogan 30:56 Ooh, when she got pretty.

Robert Kelly 30:58 Oh.

Joe Rogan 30:58 And Rocky got pretty, too. Remember, he was all handsome-

Robert Kelly 31:00 Oh.

Joe Rogan 31:00 ... he had the suit on.

Robert Kelly 31:01 Shredded.

Joe Rogan 31:01 Yeah. He got soft rock!

Robert Kelly 31:04 (laughs) What, he got the robot, the gay robot?

Joe Rogan 31:06 Mm, look at that.

Robert Kelly 31:07 It's the greatest robot ever.

Joe Rogan 31:08 The prophecy.

Robert Kelly 31:09 That's it.

Joe Rogan 31:09 What the fuck? (laughs) That's the tadpole? Ow.

Robert Kelly 31:11 Now that, that-

Joe Rogan 31:12 What is that? If that's a bear baby?

Robert Kelly 31:13 That's a b- I think that's a baby bear.

Joe Rogan 31:15 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Robert Kelly 31:16 No, that's a f- that's a wolf.

Joe Rogan 31:17 In the nuclear lake.

Robert Kelly 31:18 Yeah, the lake. And the tadpole they take out is nuts.

Joe Rogan 31:21 Look at these people, "Let me climb in this fucking nuclear lake and let this thing free."

Robert Kelly 31:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:25 Imagine, there's a lake filled with nuclear radiation that's turning a tadpole into that thing.

Robert Kelly 31:29 Great.

Joe Rogan 31:29 And this guy's like, "Let's climb on in with no hazmat suits." (laughs)

Robert Kelly 31:33 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:33 "Oh, we got a helicopter? Let me bring this thing to safety."

Robert Kelly 31:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:37 He's got a k- he's cuddling that little baby, "Yeah, we'll bring it to safety," and then the big bear comes looking for its baby. Is that the story?

Robert Kelly 31:44 Yeah, I think that is the story. They go-

Joe Rogan 31:45 And then what's her name from Rocky-

Robert Kelly 31:47 Yeah, that-

Joe Rogan 31:47 ... like, fucking saves the day.

Robert Kelly 31:48 She's so pretty.

Joe Rogan 31:49 She was hot.

Robert Kelly 31:50 God, she's gorgeous.

Joe Rogan 31:51 Yeah. That's like the b- best-looking kind of Italian woman.

Robert Kelly 31:55 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 31:56 Those features.

Robert Kelly 31:57 (exhales) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:58 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 31:58 Yeah, this Bear-

Joe Rogan 31:59 What a stupid movie. (laughs)

Robert Kelly 32:00 It's a dumb movie. Stupid, but it's great.

Joe Rogan 32:02 (laughs) There are some great dumb movies from those days.

Robert Kelly 32:04 They should make a, they should make a new Bear movie.

Joe Rogan 32:07 They should.

Robert Kelly 32:08 With one of those.

Joe Rogan 32:09 Yeah. Or maybe a short-faced bear. Like maybe if someone brings one of them things, things back to life.

Robert Kelly 32:13 Right.

Joe Rogan 32:15 Well, they're trying to bring back wooly mammoths. There's a lot of assholes that want to bring back everything. Like 90% of everything that ever lived is extinct. I think it's more than 90%. Things go extinct, they're bad designs.

Robert Kelly 32:26 I'm on, I'm on-

Joe Rogan 32:26 Fuck the Dodo bird. It's over. Let it go.

Robert Kelly 32:28 Fuck the Dodo bird.

Joe Rogan 32:28 Don't bring it back.

Robert Kelly 32:29 Come on, Dodo bird.

Joe Rogan 32:30 You know?

Robert Kelly 32:30 I want a pterodactyl.

Joe Rogan 32:31 (groans)

Robert Kelly 32:32 I want a pterodactyl to eat all the fucking pigeons in New York.

Joe Rogan 32:35 There was a place on Earth where they thought that pterodactyls were still alive.

Robert Kelly 32:40 Get the fuck.

Joe Rogan 32:42 Yeah, there was like one of them legend things, where people were claiming to see enormous birds, birdlike creatures that had like 17-foot wingspans. And they were thinking the pterodactyl still existed.

Robert Kelly 32:53 I think I saw that.

Joe Rogan 32:53 It was like some tropical place.

Robert Kelly 32:56 Was it, was it f- was it Tampa?

Joe Rogan 32:57 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 32:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:59 Ft. Lauderdale.

Robert Kelly 33:00 Dude, t- I'm telling you, Tampa's-

Joe Rogan 33:02 It's wild.

Robert Kelly 33:02 I, I stay at my friend, you know Mike Calta, right?

Joe Rogan 33:05 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 33:05 Uh, I stay at his house when I go down there. I play the, the Sidesplitters, right? Um, speaking of Tampa, I used to film my special down there, too. Not to segue into that fucking plug.

Joe Rogan 33:16 The special looks great.

Robert Kelly 33:17 Did you get it?

Joe Rogan 33:18 Yeah, I did. And it's on Louis? You doing it on louisck.com?

Robert Kelly 33:21 Louisck.com. He actually, he's the best, dude. He came to me-

Joe Rogan 33:26 I love him to death.

Robert Kelly 33:26 I was opening for him in Europe, and he was like, "Do you have a special?" I was like, "No, I can't... Nobody will give me one."

Joe Rogan 33:33 There it is, Killbox.

Robert Kelly 33:34 Nobody will give me one. And he's like, "I'm shooting your special."

Joe Rogan 33:37 Wh- where, what club was this at?

Robert Kelly 33:39 We made this.

Joe Rogan 33:40 (clears throat)

Robert Kelly 33:40 'Cause I told him, we sat down, and like, "What do you want to do?" I was like, "Elvis' '68 special, his comeback special. I want that look we- 10-by-10 stage, 12 inches off the ground, surrounded by people." I wanna, I want it to be like the best con- like the seller. Sidesp- Killbox, you know that-

Joe Rogan 34:03 Oh, yeah.

Robert Kelly 34:03 ... that's a term that we use.

Joe Rogan 34:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Robert Kelly 34:04 Like, "Dude, this place is a Killbox." The store, you know?

Joe Rogan 34:06 Nice.

Robert Kelly 34:07 Killbox. So we created this stage where, uh, uh, Coastal Creatives in St. Pete. We went in there, and they were like, "You can do whatever you want." They gave us carte blanche. So Louis got his whole team, his, you know, his Emmy, Grammy Award-winning team that does all his specials, and put them on me. And he showed up, and we shot this special. I tried to get a outfit like Elvis, but nothing fit at the time.

Joe Rogan 34:33 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 34:33 So I could only get that jacket, and I couldn't zip it. But, uh, we shot this special, man. And-

Joe Rogan 34:38 So that was Anthony Giordano's crew, the same people that do my stuff.

Robert Kelly 34:42 Is it?

Joe Rogan 34:42 Yeah, they do all my specials too.

Robert Kelly 34:44 Dude, I can't-

Joe Rogan 34:45 Yeah, they're the best.

Robert Kelly 34:45 'Cause I, I wrote this on a piece of paper, I drew it, like, "This is what I want." And they-

Joe Rogan 34:49 Yes, yeah.

Robert Kelly 34:50 And then you show up that day, and you're like, "Holy shit."

Joe Rogan 34:53 Anthony is the, he's the director of the UFC.

Robert Kelly 34:57 (exhales) Is he?

Joe Rogan 34:58 Yes. And he has directed my first special from me in 2009.

Robert Kelly 35:01 I don't know if it was him. It was-

Joe Rogan 35:03 Well, h- I know he does Louis.

Robert Kelly 35:04 W- well, then it was, I think it was involved. Brady was involved, Leah.

Joe Rogan 35:08 Yeah, yeah, Brady.

Robert Kelly 35:08 Um, oh, Bra- okay, yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:09 Yeah, that's the, that's the people. Positive Image, yeah.

Robert Kelly 35:12 Yeah, yeah. I mean, everybody.

Joe Rogan 35:12 They're the best. They're the best.

Robert Kelly 35:13 They were... I couldn't believe that I went into this empty space. You go in there, and it's you can do whatever you want. And, uh, I came back on show day, and I walked in, and they did it. That's what fa- that's why I love show business. That's why I love Hollywood. That's the part I love.

Joe Rogan 35:28 People can make things happen.

Robert Kelly 35:29 They just, it- it's like impossible to me. Like in my head, I'm like, "Dude."

Joe Rogan 35:33 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 35:33 And then Louis comes in. I step on stage, I'm like, um, "Dude, I love it. It's perfect." Louis comes in, 'cause he's a f- s- genius, and he goes, "This is wrong. That's wrong. Put this over there. Do this. I need 50 more people over here. I need 75. Put tickets... Bobby, go to your Instagram, sell more tickets. I want to fill this in." 30 minutes, and he made it 100% better.

Joe Rogan 35:56 Wow.

Robert Kelly 35:57 'Cause he just sees what he wants. He changed camera views. He did all this stuff, and they had it, and, and then by the time we shot, it was unbelievable. And it was, we did two shows. A lady almost died.

Joe Rogan 36:11 Why? What happened?

Robert Kelly 36:12 (laughs) Dude, I go on stage. I got Mike Calta's band, Pit Bull Toddler, just a Florida, you know, a bunch of chubby dudes in T-shirts.

Joe Rogan 36:21 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 36:21 (singing) ... drum and just, they're awesome. They just jamming, kicking ass. And, uh, he, he, Mi- he's mi- one of my best friends, he's my best friend, Mike Kalta, and he goes, "Ladies and gentlemen," with his, you know, radio voice, "Give it up for Robert Kelly." I walk ... Camera goes down, I walk out, it's perfect. I get on stage. I'm like, "This is great." 20 minutes in I'm like, in your head, you know, you're filming specials, "I got it. I'm in it."

Joe Rogan 36:48 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 36:48 "I'm in it. I'm in this." And then I hear, "Help her." And I was like, "What the fuck?" "Please help her." Center stage, second row, this guy's wife just, "Uh, uh."

Joe Rogan 37:01 Sees her?

Robert Kelly 37:02 I don't know. And I go, "Is she all right?" He goes, "No, Bobby." He ... Now he's using my name-

Joe Rogan 37:07 Oh Jesus.

Robert Kelly 37:08 ... which is fucking nuts. "Bobby help her."

Joe Rogan 37:09 Did you keep it in the special?

Robert Kelly 37:11 It's not in the special.

Joe Rogan 37:12 (laughs)

Narrator 37:13 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 37:14 Dude, this is fucking nuts.

Joe Rogan 37:15 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 37:16 So, (sighs) we're gonna release it later. So if we-

Joe Rogan 37:20 (laughs) Oh no. Did you get a release from her?

Robert Kelly 37:21 I'm gonna talk to them, but-

Joe Rogan 37:23 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 37:23 So, she ... I- I go, "Here, give her my water." So I give her my stage water and h- I mean, tables are f- chairs are flipped, lights are on. I'm off stage, there's chairs on the stage I was just murdering on at my special. And everybody knows, when you shoot a special you have two shows. The first one you get, the second one is just to have fun, right?

Joe Rogan 37:44 Right.

Robert Kelly 37:45 And I was doing it. I'm off stage. I immediately get an eye ... a stress eye headache. I'm like, my, my head's pounding. I'm like, "What the fuck?" I see they're dragging this lady out and as s- and Louie's right there. And as soon as they drag her by Louie and she's past him, he goes, "We're good. We're good, man. Let's go." (laughs) Like, as soon as she was-

Joe Rogan 38:05 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 38:06 As soon as she was out the door, he was like, "Let's do it. We're gonna go."

Joe Rogan 38:10 So they take the s- the s-

Robert Kelly 38:11 I gotta go back.

Joe Rogan 38:12 ... chairs off the stage.

Robert Kelly 38:12 I ... They take everything and they replace-

Joe Rogan 38:15 Were you in the middle of a bit?

Robert Kelly 38:16 Dude, the middle of it.

Joe Rogan 38:17 Did you start it from the beginning again?

Robert Kelly 38:19 I- I- I just started d- I started m- making fun of the situation. Like, your comic instincts-

Joe Rogan 38:24 Right, right.

Robert Kelly 38:24 ... take over. I don't even know what I said. It was like being in a fight. Like, you don't ... I didn't know what happened.

Joe Rogan 38:28 Right, right.

Robert Kelly 38:29 I was fucked, dude.

Joe Rogan 38:30 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 38:31 I went on ... I- I- I finished ... I, I killed ... You know, I did the rest, but you're in ... I get a headache. Dude, I ... It was nuts. I go back in the dressing room, I clear it out. I'm, I'm h- I'm like, "What the fuck?" You know? "Fu-" I was pi- I was fucked in my head. And Louie comes in, he's like, "Dude, we, we were good. We're good." I'm like, "No, we're not, dude. I don't know what the hell." I don't know, yeah-

Joe Rogan 38:55 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 38:55 I'm like holding my head and he's t- all of a sudden he gives me this ... He does a m- ... He gives me this Martin Luther King speech pep talk. Like, he's like, "Martin Luther Qui- King once said ..." Didn't work.

Joe Rogan 39:07 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 39:07 Then he goes to JFK.

Joe Rogan 39:09 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 39:09 Fucking didn't work. Then he holds up a video of Tom Brady giving a (laughs) speech and he's like, "You know, when I was there, they didn't want me. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't this." And that worked. Tom Brady fucking-

Joe Rogan 39:22 (laughs) Tom Brady.

Robert Kelly 39:23 Dude, fucking worked.

Joe Rogan 39:24 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 39:24 I was like, "Fucking let's do this."

Joe Rogan 39:26 Oh, that's amazing.

Robert Kelly 39:27 And, uh, we went on to the next show and killed it and, uh, and got it, thank God.

Joe Rogan 39:32 Oh, beautiful.

Robert Kelly 39:32 And I ... And she lived. Like-

Joe Rogan 39:34 (exhales) That's nice.

Robert Kelly 39:35 Dude, I ... I came up to him. I go, "Is she okay?" He goes, "I don't fucking know. I don't give a shit."

Joe Rogan 39:38 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 39:38 "We have another show today." If she's still alive. I was like, "Rea-" (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:44 "I don't give a shit. We got another show?"

Robert Kelly 39:46 We got another show.

Joe Rogan 39:48 Ugh. Ugh.

Robert Kelly 39:48 (laughs) I gotta get this-

Joe Rogan 39:49 (laughs) Louie's the best.

Robert Kelly 39:49 ... 'cause he paid ... He paid for everything.

Joe Rogan 39:51 Right, right.

Robert Kelly 39:51 You know what I mean? So it's all on his dime, so-

Joe Rogan 39:53 Oh my god.

Robert Kelly 39:53 ... he's like, "We got his fucking show dude. I gotta get you right, motherfucker."

Joe Rogan 39:56 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 39:57 So we went out and did it. We got it. And, and I love Tampa. I, they, they ... That-

Joe Rogan 40:01 They're wild people.

Robert Kelly 40:02 Dude, Florida saved me during the pandemic. That's why ... I, I was gonna do it in Boston, but I'm like ... When that happened, I lost 55 shows in one night.

Joe Rogan 40:11 Hm.

Robert Kelly 40:11 I had a theater tour going with Creeps with Kids, Ron Bennington, Vos, Florentine, and me were doing this great theater thing that was sold out. And it all went away in one night.

Joe Rogan 40:20 Hm.

Robert Kelly 40:20 Like, I got a call from my agent, Matt Frost, he's like, "Dude, it's all gone." I'm like, "What?" He goes, "All your shows." And it's like, dude, I'm not a ... You know, I'm a club guy too, you know? So this was ... I finally had a theater tour that was successful. I was kinda crawling my way and I finally had that, like, "All right, let's do this."

Joe Rogan 40:39 Right.

Robert Kelly 40:39 "This is great." And it was (sighs) gone. So Florida saved my ass.

Joe Rogan 40:45 Hm.

Robert Kelly 40:45 Because Side Splitters, Versani's, McCurdy's, you know, um, all these clubs down there, I could go down and fill the place up and do shows. So I was like, "I gotta go down there and do this." And, and Mike Kalta, you know, promoted the fuck out of it, so-

Joe Rogan 40:59 Well it was one of the only places where you could do shows.

Robert Kelly 41:01 It was one of the only places you could do shows, but you could do shows without, without the masks.

Joe Rogan 41:05 Yes.

Robert Kelly 41:06 Because, to be honest dude, I'd rather not perform than, than ... I can't ... I need your mouth-

Joe Rogan 41:12 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 41:13 ... I need your mouth.

Joe Rogan 41:14 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 41:15 'Cause other than that, you c- the ... The eyebrow movement is the same as a great joke or you're offended. You know what I mean?

Joe Rogan 41:22 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 41:22 Like, (sighs) I d-

Joe Rogan 41:23 And you hear (blubbering noises)

Robert Kelly 41:25 Yeah, I don't ... I don't know if you hate me or love me. It's the same Muppet shit.

Joe Rogan 41:29 Laughter through a mask is just-

Robert Kelly 41:30 It was the s-

Joe Rogan 41:30 ... very strange.

Robert Kelly 41:31 It wa- it was the worst. I-

Joe Rogan 41:32 I only did one show with people with masks on in the crowd. Well, I did a few outside with Chappelle where they were supposed to have masks on-

Robert Kelly 41:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:39 ... but people didn't really have masks on.

Robert Kelly 41:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:40 Most people were like, "Fuck it," 'cause it was in Texas.

Robert Kelly 41:43 Yeah, Te-

Narrator 41:43 Texas.

Joe Rogan 41:43 That was like peak pandemic.

Robert Kelly 41:45 Right.

Joe Rogan 41:45 But I did a show in, um, in Houston. We did the improv in Houston when you were still allowed to do shows indoors.

Robert Kelly 41:53 Right.

Joe Rogan 41:54 And, uh, people had masks on.

Robert Kelly 41:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:55 It was very strange.

Robert Kelly 41:56 Oh, thes- the, the, the, the special dude, it was so fun. Nobody gave a fuck. We jammed them in there like sardines. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:02 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 42:02 Nobody gave a shit then.

Joe Rogan 42:03 When, when was this? When'd you film it?

Robert Kelly 42:05 We filmed it m- I think in March. Um, yeah, March. Um, we went down there one night, rocked it out, and then Louie o- ... Louie put it on his website, man, which is nuts.

Joe Rogan 42:17 It's great.

Robert Kelly 42:17 Because he's creating his own ... It's like, okay, I love that we don't have to ask. I don't have to get a yes anymore.

Joe Rogan 42:23 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 42:23 It's like, all right, you don't like me, whatever the fuck reason, Netflix, whoever, it's fine. I'm cool. I don't, I don't, I don't hate ... You know what I mean? It's not like, "Fuck them." I don't, I don't have time for that shit.

Joe Rogan 42:34 Right.

Robert Kelly 42:35 ... and I just, I didn't, I couldn't afford to do it the way I wanted to do it. I didn't, I knew I could do it another way, but I wanted it to be special.

Joe Rogan 42:43 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 42:43 I believed, you know, I wanted it to be special and I wanted... This, this was in my head. That Elvis Comeback Special was always like, that's the baddest Elvis ever.

Joe Rogan 42:52 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 42:52 You know? And granted, I was Elvis at the end of his career.

Joe Rogan 42:55 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 42:55 Not really (laughs) at that time when he was peak, but... And Louis, this is why I love him, man, he just, he was like, "I got it. I got it." "Okay. Okay." And I was like, "Great." And he did it, and he directed it. 'Cause at one point he was like, "We're gonna maybe do this." I go, "Dude, I don't care if you're fucking using an iPhone. As long as your eye-

Joe Rogan 43:15 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 43:15 ... is looking through that camera, that's what I want 'cause I know what you, you know." You, you know?

Joe Rogan 43:21 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 43:21 "You're one of the best." I had one of the best standup comics walking today.

Joe Rogan 43:25 Ever.

Robert Kelly 43:26 Ever, but alive right now.

Joe Rogan 43:29 Yes. Yes. Directing your special.

Robert Kelly 43:32 P- paying for it.

Joe Rogan 43:33 Paying for it.

Robert Kelly 43:34 Directing it.

Joe Rogan 43:34 Producing it.

Robert Kelly 43:34 Editing it, producing it.

Joe Rogan 43:36 Yeah. Amazing.

Robert Kelly 43:37 It's, it's... I can't, I can't tell you how amazing that was, and to... The pressure's on too, 'cause if you suck, y- you know (laughs) you kind of wasted his money and his time.

Joe Rogan 43:46 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 43:46 But he, and he put it on his website, which is nuts. I mean, that's crazy-

Joe Rogan 43:50 That's beautiful.

Robert Kelly 43:50 ... 'cause that... People covet, you know, you know, when you get it, it's hard not to covet it 'cause you're so afraid of losing it.

Joe Rogan 43:57 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 43:57 But he's, he's just like, he's creating his own Netflix on his website. Uh, the movie's there, his, his-

Joe Rogan 44:03 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 44:03 ... TV show's there.

Joe Rogan 44:04 Yep.

Robert Kelly 44:04 His specials are all there.

Joe Rogan 44:05 Yep.

Robert Kelly 44:06 You can go there and pick what you want. My special's there. It's, it's crazy that it's all on there, and I, I-

Joe Rogan 44:11 It's brilliant. What he's doing is brilliant, and it's a perfect answer to the problems that he faced after getting canceled. I brought him to, uh, my club, I bought a club in Austin-

Robert Kelly 44:20 I heard of it.

Joe Rogan 44:20 ... and I brought him there right when we were about to pour cement, and he was like, "Make the stage shorter, drop the ceiling down even lower." Like, "Do this, do that." I'm like, "Whatever he says. Just do whatever he says."

Robert Kelly 44:30 (laughs) Right.

Joe Rogan 44:31 I didn't even, I just said, "What, what else do you think?" He's like... So all the ideas that he had, we implemented all of them. They were perfect ideas.

Robert Kelly 44:37 Right.

Joe Rogan 44:37 Like the stage was a little too big in the small room. We have a small room that's like 120 people.

Robert Kelly 44:41 Sure.

Joe Rogan 44:41 He's like, "Why is the stage so big? It should be smaller." I'm like, "You're right, it should be smaller."

Robert Kelly 44:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:45 "How much smaller?"

Robert Kelly 44:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:46 He said, "Cut it, cut it down here." I'm like, "Let's do it."

Robert Kelly 44:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:48 "Let's cut it..." He has an eye for things.

Robert Kelly 44:50 He's just, he's like a, like he shouldn't be doing comedy. He should be, like, curing fucking cancer.

Joe Rogan 44:56 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 44:56 You know what I mean? Like, his brain, if he puts it in a direction, he just does it. It's like crazy. Like, he's really intelligent. When you mix intelligence with humor-

Joe Rogan 45:08 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 45:08 ... it's so powerful.

Joe Rogan 45:10 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 45:10 You, you have the same thing, dude. I mean, I remember when I was coming... I don't know if you know this, but when I was coming up in Boston, I got a lot of shit for my comedy because that's when Evening at the Improv and-

Joe Rogan 45:22 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 45:23 ... Comedy Ca- Car-, you know, Half Hour, all that stuff. And I remember people telling me, "You have to clean it up. You need seven minutes of clean material. You need seven minutes of clean ma- If you, dude, you're too dirty, you talk about stuff." And I'm like, "Dude, I just got out of rehab. I was in jail at 13. My life is about bullshit, and, and, and banging, and I don't, I don't understand. I, I don't, I can't fucking read a newspaper. I barely can read. I don't... What do you want me to read? You want me to write topical shit? I don't have that." I'm, uh, you know? And I remember I saw you on, uh, MTV's Comedy Half Hour, and you were talking about getting a, like how much pressure you apply (laughs) to, you know, be, you don't wanna, you know, hurt... You know, how much do you pr- how much b- to, to push a girl's... I mean, is there a thing? You know what I mean? It was just-

Joe Rogan 46:13 Oh, it was when, when a girl's like, I go, "She's like kissing your lips and kissing your neck-"

Robert Kelly 46:18 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:18 "... kissing your ne- But she's spending way"-

Robert Kelly 46:20 Too much. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:20 "... too much time in this particular area."

Robert Kelly 46:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:24 "You're trying to encourage this downward trajectory of her affection."

Robert Kelly 46:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:28 "So you're like arching your back and you're putting your hand on her head, but you don't know how hard you can push her head before she gets mad." (laughs)

Robert Kelly 46:35 It was fucking genius to me because every guy has been through that-

Joe Rogan 46:40 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 46:40 ... 'cause you don't wanna be a fucking asshole.

Joe Rogan 46:42 Right, right, right.

Robert Kelly 46:42 But it's like, "Dude, this is doing nothing."

Joe Rogan 46:44 Right.

Robert Kelly 46:45 "Th- Th- My nipples?"

Joe Rogan 46:46 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 46:46 "I don't like it. What are you doing?" And I was like, "That's it." I go, "That's what I wanna do. That's the fucking comedy. That exists."

Joe Rogan 46:54 Well, we were stuck in a time where there was a transis- transitionary period between, like, doing sets for The Tonight Show, which made careers.

Robert Kelly 47:02 Right.

Joe Rogan 47:02 Like, back then, Steven Wright got on The Tonight Show, Richard Jeni, these guys got on The Tonight Show and it made their careers.

Robert Kelly 47:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:09 Everybody knew them from The Tonight Show.

Robert Kelly 47:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:11 But there was guys like you and me that were stuck in this... We were wild kids-

Robert Kelly 47:16 Right.

Joe Rogan 47:16 ... and we were like early 20s-

Robert Kelly 47:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:18 ... and we were like, "That's not what I think about."

Robert Kelly 47:20 Right.

Joe Rogan 47:20 And I remember there was a guy that I worked with at Nick's Comedy Stop, and, uh, and he was telling me this. "You gotta clean it up. You gotta stop saying fuck. You gotta do this." I go, "But," I go, "But my favorite comics are like Dice Clay." And he goes, "No, you're not Dice Clay." I go, "Well, Dice Clay wasn't Dice Clay until he became Dice Clay. Like, what... That's what I wanna do."

Robert Kelly 47:38 Right.

Joe Rogan 47:38 "I don't wanna do what you're doing."

Robert Kelly 47:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:40 "Like, get it in your fucking head that's not what I wanna do." And he's like, "Well, you gotta work shit rooms." And I'm like, "Okay, well that's what I have to do then."

Robert Kelly 47:47 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:47 "'Cause this is the, the comedy I wanna do." I wanted to do comedy like Kinison and-

Robert Kelly 47:51 Right.

Joe Rogan 47:51 ... Hicks, and that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do wild shit. That was the shit I liked.

Robert Kelly 47:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:56 It was like being in a rock and roll band and someone tells you you have to play classical music. Like, "No, I want AC/DC."

Robert Kelly 48:01 Right.

Joe Rogan 48:01 That's what I like. I like-

Robert Kelly 48:02 Well-

Joe Rogan 48:02 ... Highway to Hell.

Robert Kelly 48:03 Well, it is, uh, more profitable if you, like it's more profitable-

Joe Rogan 48:07 Back then it was.

Robert Kelly 48:08 Y- Yo- And even now. I mean, if-

Joe Rogan 48:09 No, not anymore.

Robert Kelly 48:10 Well, I mean, I think there is certain things you could do. I mean, The Tonight Show and all that stuff, I get it, but, you know, if you're... You, you could make a little more money if you could... Instagram will, you know, fucking flag your shit and if you're telling clean stuff, it can go to everywhere, even on serious radio. If you do a clean album, you'll wake, make m- way more money.

Joe Rogan 48:30 Yeah, but YouTube, if you have a set-

Robert Kelly 48:32 Right.

Joe Rogan 48:32 ... like Schulz or someone like that, that, you know, his set got banned from am- well-... a, a streaming website.

Robert Kelly 48:39 Oof.

Joe Rogan 48:39 One of the streamers-

Robert Kelly 48:39 That was good. Nice catch.

Joe Rogan 48:41 And they, they said, "Look, you gotta edit this." And he's like, "I'm not editing it."

Robert Kelly 48:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:44 "So, I'm gonna release it on my own website, then I'll just put it on-

Robert Kelly 48:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:47 ... on YouTube."

Robert Kelly 48:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:48 YouTube, it's got like fucking seven million views now.

Robert Kelly 48:50 Schultz-

Joe Rogan 48:50 In like a month.

Robert Kelly 48:50 Schultz is the best. I-

Joe Rogan 48:51 He's a genius. Did you see the shit he put up about Kanye today?

Robert Kelly 48:54 I didn't see it yet.

Joe Rogan 48:54 Oh, pull, pull up his Instagram. (laughs)

Robert Kelly 48:58 (laughs) He's the best.

Joe Rogan 48:58 'Cause Kanye's losing his mind.

Robert Kelly 48:59 He's helped me a lot with this, too. He actually... I did his podcast, but he came up, he goes, "Give me... I want your clip person. I wanna... Put me on a text thread with them. I wanna tell them exactly what..."

Joe Rogan 49:09 Mm.

Robert Kelly 49:10 He's another guy who doesn't covet.

Joe Rogan 49:11 Right.

Robert Kelly 49:11 He's just like, "Dude, I'm gonna tell you what to do. Do what I say-

Joe Rogan 49:14 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 49:14 ... and shit's gonna happen," and he is 100% right. He figured it out, and he shares that information-

Joe Rogan 49:21 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 49:21 ... if you want it. And I... He's helped me out so much-

Joe Rogan 49:24 No, he's a great guy.

Robert Kelly 49:25 He's a fucking-

Joe Rogan 49:26 He's, he's great.

Robert Kelly 49:26 He's a great guy, man. He's a funny motherfucker.

Joe Rogan 49:28 And he's on the path. He's fucking focused.

Robert Kelly 49:31 He's on the pa-

Joe Rogan 49:31 He's on the path.

Robert Kelly 49:32 Yeah. Did you find-

Narrator 49:33 I had to type his entire name in to get his name to pop up.

Robert Kelly 49:35 Oh, Jesus.

Joe Rogan 49:35 Ah, he's shadow banned. (laughs)

Robert Kelly 49:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:37 (laughs) Hold on. Put, put it up from the beginning. G- gi-

Robert Kelly 49:40 He's like a classic Hollywood star from back in the day, too. His looks.

49:44 You gopher-faced Deutsche bag.

49:46 (laughs)

49:46 This week, Kanye went on a media blitzkrieg. He threw so many stones at the Jews, he's now an honorary general in the West Bank-

49:53 (laughs)

49:53 ... which is soon to be the only bank that will accept him. JPMorgan actually canceled his account, so the only transaction Kanye is gonna have is when Caitlyn drops off the kids.

50:02 (laughs)

50:02 So what exactly did Ye say? Well, hungry, hungry Hitler went on Drink Champs-

50:06 (laughs)

50:06 ... with the most bloated cheeks I've ever seen on a human. The guy looks like a Ninja Turtle just had a root canal-

50:12 (laughs)

50:12 ... and proceeded to spout off more hate than a West Virginia water fountain.

50:15 Hm. (laughs)

50:16 He claimed George Floyd was killed by fentanyl. Wrong. Kanye, we have video evidence of a throat getting crushed, and don't worry, Kim's not in it.

50:24 (laughs)

50:24 He blamed the Jews for trying to silence him. Ye, the only Jew that's ever kept your mouth shut was the dentist that wired your jaw. I hear some people saying Kanye did bring up some very strong points. Yes, these points.

50:37 (laughs)

50:37 That's it. Kanye isn't the free thinker he claims to be. He just regurgitates the talking points of the latest pseudo-intellectual leech around him. The only original thoughts Kanye's ever had are Amber, Kim, and Julia. So, is Kanye insane? Selfishly, I hope he is. I'd rather believe this is the behavior of a guy battling bipolar disorder than accept I've been supporting a Black skinhead for decades. So my message to you chipmunk cheeks is simple. Get better. Better friends, better therapists, better perspective on the world, and better meds. And good luck, 'cause you're gonna need it. Done!

Joe Rogan 51:14 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 51:14 He's so good, man.

Joe Rogan 51:15 That thing that he did, the America series that he did on Netflix-

Robert Kelly 51:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:19 Like that, those like fast paced... He developed like a new kind of standup that you could do with no audience-

Robert Kelly 51:26 Yep.

Joe Rogan 51:26 ... on Instagram 'cause he doesn't have to wait for the laughs, so he just hammers you. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. 'Cause when people were doing like Zoom standup-

Robert Kelly 51:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:33 ... it was terrible, because there's no laughter, 'cause there's no audience.

Robert Kelly 51:37 I never did it. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:37 So what he figured out how to do is get rapid fire punchlines-

Robert Kelly 51:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:42 ... so that when you're watching it on your phone, it's fucking genius.

Robert Kelly 51:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:45 So he starts it on his phone. Remember, turn your phone sideways.

Robert Kelly 51:48 Yep.

Joe Rogan 51:48 He does that.

Robert Kelly 51:48 That's great.

Joe Rogan 51:49 Amazing.

Robert Kelly 51:49 It annoyed me. I c- I texted him, I go, "Dude, I fuck... I wanna hit you with a shovel."

Joe Rogan 51:53 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 51:53 'Cause I, I literally was like, "Ugh. This... I gotta turn it. I gotta watch it."

Joe Rogan 51:58 (laughs) And then he takes that and does it to, uh, Netflix. And it was fucking genius.

Robert Kelly 52:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:03 It was a great move during the pandemic.

Robert Kelly 52:05 Yeah. It's guys like him who figured it out.

Joe Rogan 52:07 Mm-hmm.

Robert Kelly 52:07 And I love, I love that. That's why, like, this thing with Louie, it's like I can, I can do this and, and get it out there.

Joe Rogan 52:15 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 52:15 And people can go buy it and we don't have to ask.

Joe Rogan 52:17 Yeah, you don't have to do anything.

Robert Kelly 52:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:19 Y- that's, that's the future, because these fucking people that were the gatekeepers, they don't know what they're doing.

Robert Kelly 52:25 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:25 They just don't.

Robert Kelly 52:27 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:27 They are executives. They're not artists. They're not comedians. They're not funny.

Robert Kelly 52:32 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:32 So if they are funny, they've never done standup. If they'd done standup, they'd be doing standup.

Robert Kelly 52:35 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:35 That's not what they do. So them telling you to do that-

Robert Kelly 52:38 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:38 ... is like me telling someone how to play football. I don't play football.

Robert Kelly 52:41 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:41 I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I can say what you should do, but I'm probably gonna be wrong.

Robert Kelly 52:45 Hm.

Joe Rogan 52:45 These guys, they, they just get in the way. And so to have someone who does it, like Louie or like Schultz or like someone like that-

Robert Kelly 52:53 Right.

Joe Rogan 52:53 ... that's what we need. That's the future.

Robert Kelly 52:55 Well, it's funny too, because like Louie said to me... I was like, "Dude, I got this whole thing on weight." He's like, "I don't want that. I want you to just kill."

Joe Rogan 53:02 Mm.

Robert Kelly 53:02 "Just, I want you to do a club set."

Joe Rogan 53:04 Mm.

Robert Kelly 53:04 "Like you're at a club and kill for an hour. That's all I want outta you." I go, "I got that hour. I got it." It's like, so-

Joe Rogan 53:11 Beautiful.

Robert Kelly 53:11 ... so this is a... It's not like that theater where you do and the thing swoops in and you deliver the thing and it looks-

Joe Rogan 53:17 No, it looked great.

Robert Kelly 53:18 So-

Joe Rogan 53:18 It looked perfect.

Robert Kelly 53:19 Yeah, it's great.

Joe Rogan 53:19 That's... I loved it.

Robert Kelly 53:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:20 I, I love that this is a, a thing now, that people are just figuring that out.

Robert Kelly 53:25 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:25 You know? And Louie really is at the front of the line of that shit.

Robert Kelly 53:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:27 Louie and Schultz.

Robert Kelly 53:28 And Schultz. Absolutely.

Joe Rogan 53:29 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 53:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:29 It's... This is the future. The future is not these fucking gatekeepers and executives 'cause all those people are... Like, if you say some wild shit on a special and then someone tries to bring it to a streaming service and then the people start c- getting upset and protesting-

Robert Kelly 53:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:45 ... that's on them.

Robert Kelly 53:46 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:46 Who green lit this?

Robert Kelly 53:47 Yeah, right.

Joe Rogan 53:47 Who said Bobby Kelly can say these things?

Robert Kelly 53:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:50 And they... I get it from their perspective. They've got mortgages and kids in private school. I know what the fuck is going on.

Robert Kelly 53:55 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:56 But that doesn't help us.

Robert Kelly 53:57 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:57 Like, what we-

Robert Kelly 53:58 Doesn't help the people.

Joe Rogan 53:59 No.

Robert Kelly 53:59 'Cause you're not... Seeing stuff that you might think would be offensive, but you laugh at it, and that's our job.

Joe Rogan 54:05 Well also, how many people are complaining versus how many people are enjoying it?

Robert Kelly 54:09 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:09 They... It's a lack of perspective because they're only paying attention to the people that are writing emails and making these fucking campaigns.

Robert Kelly 54:16 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:16 And those people are losers.

Robert Kelly 54:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:19 For the most part.

Robert Kelly 54:20 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:20 The people that get upset at a comedian telling jokes-

Robert Kelly 54:22 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:22 ... to the point where they wanna contact sponsors and contact banks, they don't have anything going on with their life. And their thing is to try to get some sort of a result-

Robert Kelly 54:32 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:33 ... out of their efforts, and their efforts are negative, to cancel you.

Robert Kelly 54:36 100%.

Joe Rogan 54:36 If you don't like it, you don't have to listen. If you don't like a Quentin Tarantino movie where Brad Pitt smashes a woman's face on a mantlepiece-

Robert Kelly 54:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 54:44 ... don't watch it.

Robert Kelly 54:45 The greatest.

Joe Rogan 54:45 But that's the movie, that's the f- that's the art. You don't have to li- I know there's a lot of films that I don't like.

Robert Kelly 54:51 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:51 There's a lot of rap lyrics that I don't agree with.

Robert Kelly 54:53 Right.

Joe Rogan 54:53 But that's fine. You don't have to listen, you don't have to watch it. But this, this... Today's kids, these activist-minded kids think that they have some sort of a civil, civic duty to try to, like, remove you from the entertainment ecosphere.

Robert Kelly 55:10 Right.

Joe Rogan 55:10 And this is what they have to deal with if they're at Netflix, or if they're at any of these places.

Robert Kelly 55:14 Well, they made comedy punk rock again.

Joe Rogan 55:16 Yes.

Robert Kelly 55:17 They made us-

Joe Rogan 55:17 It's wild.

Robert Kelly 55:18 And it's like, "Y- y- y- y- you did the wrong thing."

Joe Rogan 55:21 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 55:21 "You did the wrong thing, 'cause now we're just gonna go do it ourselves." I remember when we were trying to come up with a name for the special. And I said, uh... He's like, "What do you got?" I was like, um, "Can we call it Remember AIDS?"

Joe Rogan 55:35 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 55:35 (laughs) 'Cause that's one of my jokes.

Joe Rogan 55:37 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 55:37 And he goes, "Yeah. Yeah, if you wanna call it that." I go, "You sure?" He goes, "Dude, yeah, fuckin' call it whatever you want."

Joe Rogan 55:43 That's beautiful.

Robert Kelly 55:44 "You can call it fuckin' Dead Crack Babies."

Joe Rogan 55:46 I love his last special's name, Sorry.

Robert Kelly 55:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:48 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 55:48 He was the greatest with it behind him.

Joe Rogan 55:50 Oh, the giant Sorry behind him.

Robert Kelly 55:52 It was unbelievable.

Joe Rogan 55:53 Oh, it's amazing.

Robert Kelly 55:54 And I was like, "Dude, where is the sorry? I want that."

Joe Rogan 55:57 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 55:57 He said he threw it out. I was like, "I would've put that-"

Joe Rogan 55:59 Threw it out?

Robert Kelly 56:00 Dude.

Joe Rogan 56:00 The giant sorry?

Robert Kelly 56:01 I was like, "I would've put that on my l- like, my land in New Hampshire, I would've put it in the woods."

Joe Rogan 56:06 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 56:06 Just in the back, like hikers walking.

Joe Rogan 56:07 Yeah, all rusty, covered with leaves and shit.

Robert Kelly 56:09 Could you imagine being a hiker just walking through the woods?

Joe Rogan 56:12 Is that Sorry from the Louis CK special?

Robert Kelly 56:14 (laughs) That'd be fucking epic.

Joe Rogan 56:15 Holy shit.

Robert Kelly 56:16 Yeah. Yeah, he's great. It's the, the whole thing is th- this whole thing that they pushed us into this corner.

Joe Rogan 56:21 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 56:22 And now we're just doing, we're just helping each other.

Joe Rogan 56:25 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 56:25 Which is amazing to me. It's like, "All right, we don't need you anymore."

Joe Rogan 56:28 Well, it happened at the perfect time, 'cause these, all these things sort of combined together. And one of the things th- that happened was the internet.

Robert Kelly 56:34 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:34 And through the internet, we no longer are competing against each other. So, we're all now assets to each other.

Robert Kelly 56:41 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:41 'Cause, like, we do each other's podcasts-

Robert Kelly 56:44 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:44 ... we support each other's stand-up. Like, if someone's got some cool shit, I put it up on my Instagram. All that stuff just helps everybody.

Robert Kelly 56:51 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:52 And instead of, like, the o- Like, when I was coming up in the '90s, when you would get on a sitcom, like, I remember there was, like, all this resentment from other people that I knew that, like, had agents that sent them out for the same roles.

Robert Kelly 57:04 Right.

Joe Rogan 57:05 So, when we would... You know, if, like, we're all, like, kinda the same age and there's, like, a guy who's, like, a fucking character on a sitcom, you're going up for it, he's going up for it. And if he gets it, you're like, "Fuck, that could've been me."

Robert Kelly 57:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 57:18 And you see him on the, uh, CBS promo, smiling. You're like, "Oh, that could've been me." I remember when Kevin James got his sitcom and, uh, when he was, uh, he was... They, they were, like, playing these ads for this sitcom and I remember some comedian's like, "That's like... Fuckin' fuck that show and it's not..." I go, "You're saying that because you wish it was you. Like, what are you talking about? You don't think it's funny? It's funny, watch it. It's a funny show."

Robert Kelly 57:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:42 "You're only upset because you feel like because someone else is successful, somehow or another it took something away from you."

Robert Kelly 57:48 Right.

Joe Rogan 57:49 But this doesn't change the fact that it's successful. You're only damaging your own mind by thinking that way.

Robert Kelly 57:55 Well, success, uh, th- they kind of mind fuck you with this success thing. Because you... It's, it's a, it's... You have the potential to have dreams come true, things you felt as a little kid or places you wanted to go or things you wanted to get, or the life you wanted is... There's potential that that could happen in this business, right?

Joe Rogan 58:16 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 58:17 If I was a painter, I mean, you're gonna paint. But i- in this business, you could become that thing that you dreamed about as a kid. And there's a time when you have to realize, at least for me, where I looked around one day and I'm trying to become this thing. And I'm like, "I'm successful right now. I have a house, I got a wife, I got a son, I have a, two cars. You know, uh, one's a truck and one's a Honda CRV. I, but I have it, like I have all this stuff."

Joe Rogan 58:51 From talking shit.

Robert Kelly 58:52 From talking shit.

Joe Rogan 58:54 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 58:54 I'm... I did it.

Joe Rogan 58:56 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 58:56 I'm out. Whatever-

Joe Rogan 58:57 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 58:57 ... e- whatever else I have-

Joe Rogan 58:59 Is gravy.

Robert Kelly 59:00 ... is gravy.

Joe Rogan 59:01 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 59:01 I have friends, real friends. And I'm like, "I did it, dude. I-"

Joe Rogan 59:07 That's making it.

Robert Kelly 59:08 That's making it.

Joe Rogan 59:09 Yes.

Robert Kelly 59:09 And I can go on any stage and fucking make people laugh.

Joe Rogan 59:12 And you know what the opposite of that is? There's people that are very successful, they're very famous, they have shows, they have this, they have that, and no one likes them.

Robert Kelly 59:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:22 They're the opposite.

Robert Kelly 59:23 Right.

Joe Rogan 59:23 That's not making it.

Robert Kelly 59:24 It's not making it.

Joe Rogan 59:25 You think you're making it, because on paper you're successful. So, you're always trying to compare your success to other people's success-

Robert Kelly 59:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:32 ... and you're always trying to stay ahead of them, because it's the only thing you have.

Robert Kelly 59:35 That's it.

Joe Rogan 59:35 'Cause you don't have the friends and you don't have the family.

Robert Kelly 59:38 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 59:38 And you don't have love from your, your peers and, like, just fun times.

Robert Kelly 59:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:42 Hanging out, talking shit.

Robert Kelly 59:43 Y- you don't have gratitude.

Joe Rogan 59:45 Right, you don't have gratitude.

Robert Kelly 59:46 You don't. Every day I wake up in the morning and I don't touch my phone. First thing, I was, I was r- I was touching my phone. I don't touch it. I sit on my bed and I think about what I'm grateful for. It's usually my kid, my wife, my friends, my family. And all of a sudden, I smile. Every day, I start to smile.

Joe Rogan 1:00:05 That's awesome.

Robert Kelly 1:00:07 And then I go about my day. 'Cause if I wake up and I just go and I grab the wheel and I just start dr- I fucking smash into shit.

Joe Rogan 1:00:16 Right. You get... You're on momentum then.

Robert Kelly 1:00:18 If I wake up-

Joe Rogan 1:00:19 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:00:19 ... and just take that five or 10 minutes to just think about all the great shit that I'm h- I'm grateful for. And it's not any fame, it's not any... It never goes there.

Joe Rogan 1:00:30 Right.

Robert Kelly 1:00:30 It, it's always starts with my son. And then it goes to my wife and I r-... And things around, like us, things we're gonna do. And I'm like, "Ugh." And I just start to smile, and then I'm good. I'm good. If I don't do that, I'm yelling at somebody or I'm fucking angry and the f- the anxiety sets in, the fear sets in. 'Cause anxiety and fear turn into anger.... for me. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, "This fucking guy." And this, and then I'm like... But I'm at the point now where I can be like (inhales deeply) , "Chill. Go sit down. Think about what you got. You're... It's great. It's fantastic." You know? Yeah. And, and now, it, it's, it's, it's why, that's why I bought the tiny house. Like, in the middle of the pandemic. I'm not rich, dude. I don't, I don't have a lot of money, you know? I mean, after this appearance, my special will sell millions of things and I'll be rich-

Joe Rogan 1:01:19 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:01:19 ... and we'll get cars together and I'll move to fucking Austin and I'll fucking play your club.

Joe Rogan 1:01:23 Get yourself a Chevelle.

Robert Kelly 1:01:24 I'll g- I'd love a Chevelle.

Joe Rogan 1:01:26 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:01:26 It's my fucking favorite car, such a badass car. Um, but, you know, in the middle of it, I'm sitting there t- I told my wife, I'm like, "Okay, everything was taken away. All the fame, all the m- shows, money." I'm figuring out how to make money. I, well, I got us, don't worry about it. But we got each other. I go, "I'm waiting to buy land in the country and I'm waiting to get the lake house and be... I'm waiting to become famous, to become a millionaire, to be happy." No.

Joe Rogan 1:01:56 Hm.

Robert Kelly 1:01:57 Let's just do it now. Let's-

Joe Rogan 1:01:59 Just be happy. Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:01:59 Let's go be happy right now.

Joe Rogan 1:02:01 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:02:01 I went and bought a tiny house from, like, the Tiny Homes of Maine, this ins- awesome couple in the fucking woods of Maine. They build these amazing houses.

Joe Rogan 1:02:10 Is it like a pre-fab? Where they're like put together... Do you get to design it online or-

Robert Kelly 1:02:13 You design it. You can go up, go... I, we drove up there. I met them. They live on a 60-

Joe Rogan 1:02:17 Is there, do they have a website?

Robert Kelly 1:02:18 They have, yeah, Tiny Homes of Maine.

Joe Rogan 1:02:19 What is it? Go to Tiny Homes.

Robert Kelly 1:02:20 They have, uh, 68 acres. They live on a, a old Christmas tree farm.

Joe Rogan 1:02:25 Oh, wow.

Robert Kelly 1:02:25 Dude, me and my wife and my son and my dog drove up there. It was like eight hours. We had to stop in Bangor for the night and we went up there. They let us into their home.

Joe Rogan 1:02:34 They're past Bangor?

Robert Kelly 1:02:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:36 Whoa.

Robert Kelly 1:02:36 It's near Canada.

Joe Rogan 1:02:37 Oh, Jesus.

Robert Kelly 1:02:37 And we hung out with this couple. They're the coolest couple ever. And-

Joe Rogan 1:02:41 There it is.

Robert Kelly 1:02:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:42 Tiny Homes of Maine. Click on that one.

Robert Kelly 1:02:44 Look, that's my, that's my house right there. To the-

Joe Rogan 1:02:46 Which one?

Robert Kelly 1:02:46 The one to the right. That's the one... That's my... That's what I have (laughs) right there.

Joe Rogan 1:02:51 Oh, wow.

Robert Kelly 1:02:52 So that w-

Joe Rogan 1:02:52 Oh, that's fucking cool.

Robert Kelly 1:02:53 Where the bed is, is our living room. That's Max's, my son's, uh, loft.

Joe Rogan 1:02:58 Oh.

Robert Kelly 1:02:59 That's where the kitchen table is, where the couch is. And, you know, and then you could take those stairs up to my sleeping loft.

Joe Rogan 1:03:06 And so the kitchen table folds out?

Robert Kelly 1:03:08 No, well, it can but i- we leave it out. And then, uh, yeah. Like they've-

Joe Rogan 1:03:13 That's fucking great.

Robert Kelly 1:03:14 Th- they, we have a full kitchen, full bathroom, shower.

Joe Rogan 1:03:16 Sounds like a giant camper.

Robert Kelly 1:03:18 It... Well, yeah (laughs) yeah, it's funny.

Joe Rogan 1:03:19 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:03:20 It's... It is. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:21 It is.

Robert Kelly 1:03:21 But they, they... You customize the whole thing. And it's-

Joe Rogan 1:03:24 Oh, that's fucking cool.

Robert Kelly 1:03:25 And we went up there. We met with these people, we hung out with them, and we bought the house off them.

Joe Rogan 1:03:31 That's-

Robert Kelly 1:03:32 And it's not that expensive.

Joe Rogan 1:03:33 That's great. And they take it out on wheels.

Robert Kelly 1:03:35 Well, we didn't. We, we, we-

Joe Rogan 1:03:37 Oh, you had it built out there?

Robert Kelly 1:03:38 W- no. We had... No, they drove it down. They drove it down from Maine. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:41 Oh. So they drive it down on a giant truck and then they piece it together?

Robert Kelly 1:03:44 We had to buy the land first. W- l- we went from their house to New Hampshire and bought, I bought two and a half acres in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.

Joe Rogan 1:03:52 Wow.

Robert Kelly 1:03:52 And, but behind my land is 500 acres of forest.

Joe Rogan 1:03:56 Oh, wow.

Robert Kelly 1:03:57 So we had, uh, my contract. The guy who bought the land off of Barry, such a great guy. And, uh, he did all the land. So we had a septic put in, we had dug a well. That thing's hooked up.

Joe Rogan 1:04:09 Ah.

Robert Kelly 1:04:09 So we, we just... So now-

Joe Rogan 1:04:10 Do you have solar power or anything up there?

Robert Kelly 1:04:12 Not yet. We have power. I have ca- I have Wi-Fi. I don't have cable. There's no cable. We have, uh, Wi-Fi 'cause I do my podcasting up there. So in the summer-

Joe Rogan 1:04:20 Really?

Robert Kelly 1:04:20 ... June and July, we go up to New Hampshire and s- my kid goes to camp in New Hampshire and I go out of there. So if I do get a gig, I, I, it gotta be a big gig. I'll leave there. So this whole summer, two months I was up in New Hampshire in the tiny house. It was the best summer of our lives. My kid was going to camp, but there's a diff-... You go to camp in Westchester, you're at a college pool playing in dirt, in a, you know, kickballing a-

Joe Rogan 1:04:48 Right.

Robert Kelly 1:04:49 ... in a, in a schoolyard. You go up there, dude. He did a sleepover on an island. He's canoeing. He's hiking 4,000-foot, uh, mountains. Uh, he's g- I gave him a pellet gun, he's shooting a pellet gun. I gave him a bow and arrow.

Joe Rogan 1:05:00 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:05:01 He's... We're going to get our hunting license next year, me and him.

Joe Rogan 1:05:04 Really?

Robert Kelly 1:05:05 Yeah, dude. He's... It's like I, I, I g- I love seeing... He walked out in the woods one day. He woke up, he had all camo and he was out in the woods with his bow and arrow just walking around.

Joe Rogan 1:05:14 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:05:14 And I was like, "Fucking thank you. Thank you." You know?

Joe Rogan 1:05:18 That's great.

Robert Kelly 1:05:18 And, uh, and y- you don't need anything, dude. You don't need n-... One thing I learned when I, I went to LA, remember pilot season?

Joe Rogan 1:05:25 Oh, yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:05:25 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 1:05:26 Oh, fucking so anxiety filled.

Robert Kelly 1:05:28 Yeah. There was like-

Joe Rogan 1:05:28 Everyone's freaking out.

Robert Kelly 1:05:29 It was three months, you'd have to go to LA for pilot season 'cause that's where they did all the casting.

Joe Rogan 1:05:34 Yeah. I remember that.

Robert Kelly 1:05:35 It was f-

Joe Rogan 1:05:35 I first went in '93.

Robert Kelly 1:05:37 It's terrifying. It was ju-

Joe Rogan 1:05:38 It was so weird.

Robert Kelly 1:05:39 I remember I went out there, I rented a, a apartment in West Hollywood and there was, uh, one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one bowl-

Joe Rogan 1:05:48 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:05:49 ... one cup.

Joe Rogan 1:05:50 Was it one of those, um, apartments like, uh, what are they called? Oakwoods? Remember those?

Robert Kelly 1:05:54 Hm.

Joe Rogan 1:05:55 You know, they had those, uh, pre-fab places?

Robert Kelly 1:05:58 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:58 That's where I st- I stayed when I first moved there.

Robert Kelly 1:06:00 Norton stayed there too and he heard cockroaches.

Joe Rogan 1:06:02 Oh, yeah. You have everything.

Robert Kelly 1:06:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:03 Coyotes.

Robert Kelly 1:06:04 Now, this s-... This was a dude's apartment.

Joe Rogan 1:06:06 Oh.

Robert Kelly 1:06:06 Above a garage.

Joe Rogan 1:06:07 Oh, so you just rent-

Robert Kelly 1:06:07 It's like an Airbnb.

Joe Rogan 1:06:08 Oh, okay.

Robert Kelly 1:06:09 And, uh, I realized that's all you need is one f-... I, I need one fork.

Joe Rogan 1:06:14 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:06:14 I need one spoon. I don't need s-

Joe Rogan 1:06:16 Yeah, just wash it.

Robert Kelly 1:06:17 ... 75 (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 1:06:18 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:06:18 So when we got this, I was like, "Baby, we don't need... We don't need it."

Joe Rogan 1:06:22 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:06:22 "We don't need all this space."

Joe Rogan 1:06:24 It's true.

Robert Kelly 1:06:24 "We don't need all this shit." We- we- we're together... You, I mean, you have to love your family. If you get a tiny home, you can't love your son and like your wife-

Joe Rogan 1:06:32 Right.

Robert Kelly 1:06:32 ... 'cause you'll murder her.

Joe Rogan 1:06:33 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:06:33 You know what I mean? Like, if you kind of like your wife, get a house.

Joe Rogan 1:06:36 (laughs)

Robert Kelly 1:06:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:06:37 Get a place you can hide.

Robert Kelly 1:06:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:06:39 Yeah.

Robert Kelly 1:06:39 But you c-... A- e- e- it's, it was so... You never even think about it.

Joe Rogan 1:06:43 I remember when I first moved to LA, it was in, uh, '94. And, uh, I got an apartment in North Hollywood, and it was a nice apartment with a loft.... and I had a pool table in my apartment. And I would come home to my apartment, I'm like, "This is crazy. I can't believe I live here."

Robert Kelly 1:06:58 Right.

Joe Rogan 1:06:58 "This is amazing." And then after a while, I got used to it. And then I remember sitting down on the floor of my apartment one day going, "Oh, okay." It's just home. Like, you get used to everything.

Robert Kelly 1:07:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:09 And even if you're like ... Y- like now I live in a really nice house. But it's just a house.

Robert Kelly 1:07:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:14 You get used to it, you know?

Robert Kelly 1:07:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:16 Like, every ... It's just home. Like, the, it's ver- ... Most things like that, like big, giant, crazy things, they're very overrated.

Robert Kelly 1:07:24 Right.

Joe Rogan 1:07:24 They're not worth the effort that it takes to acquire them, and you don't get the level of satisfaction out of having them that you think you would.

Robert Kelly 1:07:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:31 There are some things you're gonna enjoy in life. Like, there's some things that I still enjoy. I lo- ... I still enjoy cars, like I still enjoy hot rods, and I still enjoy ... I, like I get a wild thrill outta driving them. It just feels good. It's like taking a drug. It's like, "Ah!"

Robert Kelly 1:07:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:07:45 It's fun. But most of those things that people try to acquire, they just look good to other people because they're unattainable.

Robert Kelly 1:07:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:53 Because, like you see that big house on the hill, like, "Wow, who lives there?"