Joe Rogan Experience #1973 - Joey Diaz

1. 0:01 – 1:39

   Golf resistance, Jamie’s simulator obsession, and Joey’s long-awaited memoir

   1. NANarrator0:01

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

   2. NANarrator0:04

      The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (instrumental music plays)

   4. JDJoey Diaz0:12

      Look at Jamie looking yoked, like a motherfucker. Hitting balls across the fucking desert.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:19

      Yeah, he's addicted to that golf. You should see him out there with the simulator, just whap!

   6. JDJoey Diaz0:22

      He told me he was out in the backyard.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:24

      Whap!

   8. JDJoey Diaz0:24

      Good for him, man.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:25

      Whap! Whap!

   10. JDJoey Diaz0:26

       You still won't hit a golf ball?

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:28

       I've hit a couple golf balls, I'm just not gonna play golf.

   12. JDJoey Diaz0:30

       Okay.

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:31

       I'm scared.

   14. JDJoey Diaz0:32

       Of what?

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       Get addicted to it. They're all addicted. Ron White, Tony Hinchcliffe, him, all these guys. They just ... They're addicted. Look at them. He's over there Jonesing.

   16. NANarrator0:41

       Got, got the bug.

   17. JDJoey Diaz0:42

       They go every day?

   18. JRJoe Rogan0:43

       (laughs)

   19. JDJoey Diaz0:43

       You guys go every day?

   20. JRJoe Rogan0:44

       He does. He's-

   21. NANarrator0:45

       Nah, I mean, as much as I can.

   22. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       He's on the simulator every day. Look, the motherfucker can whack a golf ball.

   23. NANarrator0:50

       It's like shooting jump shots though. You gotta practice the jump shots to keep it-

   24. JDJoey Diaz0:52

       Yeah, you gotta practice the jump shot. Yeah.

   25. NANarrator0:53

       ... keep it wet.

   26. JRJoe Rogan0:53

       Yeah. Tremendous.

   27. JDJoey Diaz0:56

       Tremendous.

   28. JRJoe Rogan0:57

       How long this take you to do?

   29. JDJoey Diaz0:59

       22 fucking years.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:00

       Jesus.
2. 1:39 – 2:44

   Recording the audiobook and the ‘I got my money’s worth’ philosophy on life

   1. JDJoey Diaz1:39

      Good to see you. Uh. The one thing that writing it and reading it ... And I did the audiobook.

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:44

      Oh, nice.

   3. JDJoey Diaz1:45

      I did the audiobook.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:46

      How was that?

   5. JDJoey Diaz1:46

      Good. And everybody said, "It's gonna suck. Blah, blah, blah." I go, "Give me three hours a day. Give me a space in between, and I'll go in there and just knock it ..." I knocked it off in two and a half weeks.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:57

      Nice.

   7. JDJoey Diaz1:58

      But once I read it, like, you know, 'cause it's been in your head for a long time and shit, once sh- I read it, I only got one thing out of this book. I got my money's worth. When they picked me for a life, I got my money's worth. Whether it was good or bad ... You know what I'm saying? Whether it was good or bad, I got my money's worth outta this life. If I get hit by a plane tonight-

   8. JRJoe Rogan2:20

      (laughs)

   9. JDJoey Diaz2:20

      ... I'm good. And that's what ... Seriously, that's what I came up with. Adventures, fucking stories. How many ... I w- I was the biggest loser. How many times I started over. If you read that book, I must've started over 60 times. You know, just move, pick up, move, and go to another town and rob them blind, and then pick them up and go back and for- I was like a fucking yo-yo, man.

   10. JRJoe Rogan2:42

       Yeah.

   11. JDJoey Diaz2:42

       I was very unsettled.

3. 2:44 – 3:16

   How Joe and Joey bonded instantly—and why Hollywood people felt ‘weirded out’

   1. JRJoe Rogan2:44

      You were unsettled when I met you.

   2. JDJoey Diaz2:46

      Very.

   3. JRJoe Rogan2:46

      It was so funny because I re- I remember, I was t- I was talking to some guys the other night in the green room about when I met you. I was like, "I had come to LA and I was just so not used to actors, I was so not used to those kind of people, but I was so used to, like, comics and degenerate pool hall people." And then I met you, and I was like, "Oh, I know you."

   4. JDJoey Diaz3:09

      There's a combination.

   5. JRJoe Rogan3:09

      Like, I knew you. I knew you right away. You and I became friends like that. (snaps fingers)

   6. JDJoey Diaz3:14

      Quickly. Quickly.

   7. JRJoe Rogan3:14

      Like that.

   8. JDJoey Diaz3:16

      (laughs)

4. 3:16 – 5:40

   Catered-green-room chaos: shrimp cocktail, chili, and crashing the executives

   1. JRJoe Rogan3:16

      I remember, like, there was so many people that got weirded out by you. It was so funny. When I bring you around, like, NewsRadio?

   2. JDJoey Diaz3:24

      (laughs)

   3. JRJoe Rogan3:25

      (laughs)

   4. JDJoey Diaz3:25

      With the leather jacket.

   5. JRJoe Rogan3:26

      Joey would go with ... Joey was b- like a football player back then. And you would go into the fucking, the green room where all the, the executives and you're eating all the shrimp cocktail. (laughs) And they were like, they were scared to say anything because, like, the, that room was separated from everybody else's green room. So they had their own thing where they'd go in there and the, everything was catered and beautiful and champagne. And, and you just strolled in there and started eating shrimp cocktail. And they're like, "Who's this criminal-looking fellow who's eating our shrimp cocktail?"

   6. JDJoey Diaz3:56

      Well, they had the table with the s- the regular food, and I remember they had chili.

   7. JRJoe Rogan4:00

      Mm-hmm.

   8. JDJoey Diaz4:00

      I'll never forget that. They had the best chili in the world. I was broke, I was hungry, and I must've ate 10 bowls of it.

   9. JRJoe Rogan4:05

      Mm.

   10. JDJoey Diaz4:06

       And then I looked over and there's all these little white dudes with, you know, "Ha ha ha ha." You know? I'm like, "What the fuck?" And they had the jumbo shrimp and the thing.

   11. JRJoe Rogan4:13

       (laughs)

   12. JDJoey Diaz4:13

       So I walked right in there, right past them. They're like, "Uh." And I just started mingling with them. "Great show."

   13. JRJoe Rogan4:18

       (laughs)

   14. JDJoey Diaz4:18

       "Great script."

   15. NANarrator4:19

       (laughs)

   16. JDJoey Diaz4:20

       "Tremendous actor, Andy Dick."

   17. JRJoe Rogan4:22

       Ugh.

   18. JDJoey Diaz4:22

       And that was it. And then they came to you, and you were dying of laughter.

   19. JRJoe Rogan4:25

       (laughs)

   20. JDJoey Diaz4:26

       You're like ... Joe, you can't, but they just boom. And then the time with The Man Show.

   21. JRJoe Rogan4:31

       Oh, yeah.

   22. JDJoey Diaz4:33

       Oh.

   23. JRJoe Rogan4:33

       Yeah, we had some times with that one.

   24. JDJoey Diaz4:36

       I think the first, like, eight years you were like, "Oh, I don't know if I can handle this guy."

   25. JRJoe Rogan4:39

       What are you talking about?

   26. JDJoey Diaz4:41

       Do you remember when-

   27. JRJoe Rogan4:41

       I, I did my best.

   28. JDJoey Diaz4:43

       Do you remember at Stand-Up New York with Sussman when I went off on the owner?

   29. JRJoe Rogan4:47

       Oh, yeah.

   30. JDJoey Diaz4:48

       You remember that?
5. 5:40 – 7:20

   Pitch meetings and the funeral-parlor idea that echoed ‘Six Feet Under’

   1. JDJoey Diaz5:40

      It was rough those couple years, because I would go to meetings and stuff, and people would go, "I don't know."

   2. JRJoe Rogan5:45

      Hmm. Yeah, you were rough. You were a rough dude.

   3. JDJoey Diaz5:47

      Rough. I was like, "I don't know." And then I remember I went to HBO. Somebody got me a meeting at HBO, like in '98. And I had no success at all. Like, I wasn't having any success at all, except for The Comedy Store. And I went to that meeting.... and something, like, I went with, like, actors and-

   4. JRJoe Rogan6:07

      Uh-huh.

   5. JDJoey Diaz6:08

      ... agents. You know how proper they are.

   6. JRJoe Rogan6:10

      Yeah.

   7. JDJoey Diaz6:10

      Like, "This is an idea about the future. This show..."

   8. JRJoe Rogan6:13

      Right.

   9. JDJoey Diaz6:13

      And I could just take it for so long, and I just went. And I talked about growing up in a funeral parlor, picking up bodies, going to fucking ha- uh, JFK and bringing the bodies back, and slinging them in the mouth. The guy's body wou- the mouth would open on the body, 'cause my friend had a funeral parlor. And they were like, "Hold on one second. This is stunning."

   10. JRJoe Rogan6:34

       (laughs)

   11. JDJoey Diaz6:34

       And I just started going off on them, and they're like, "W- we wanna hear more. Put these together in notes for me." And I was like, "Okay." And then after the new year, I gave them the notes and I was on fire. Like, I didn't tell anybody about this. Some guy hip pocketed me and took me to a meeting, and that was Six Feet Under.

   12. JRJoe Rogan6:51

       Oh.

   13. JDJoey Diaz6:52

       So we were on, like, I was like, "Okay, okay." And they were like, "We don't know if this is gonna work." But then they turned me down. They go, "We like the idea, but funeral ideas haven't worked." After... This went on for, like, two months and then, uh, six months later, fucking Six Feet Under came out.

   14. JRJoe Rogan7:07

       Oh? They just took your idea.

   15. JDJoey Diaz7:10

       I don't- I don't think they took my idea.

   16. JRJoe Rogan7:11

       Listen, that happens all the time.

   17. JDJoey Diaz7:12

       I thought they had it in development.

   18. JRJoe Rogan7:13

       You think so?

   19. JDJoey Diaz7:14

       But my idea was completely different. It was about-

   20. JRJoe Rogan7:16

       Right.

   21. JDJoey Diaz7:16

       ... two hoodlums who worked at a funeral parlor.

   22. JRJoe Rogan7:18

       Right.

   23. JDJoey Diaz7:18

       It wasn't about whatever that show turned out to be.

6. 7:20 – 10:30

   Death, souls, and why open-casket wakes messed Joey up as a kid

   1. JRJoe Rogan7:20

      But I think this, the concept is just constantly handling dead people. There's something about that that never was really covered before, and that's gotta affect the way people th- see life. I remember the first time I saw m- my grandfather was in an open casket. And the first time I saw his body, uh, I remember immediately... It was very interesting, because one of the first things I felt was, like, "Oh, he's not there." You know? Like, it's not just that someone's not alive anymore. Like, he wasn't there. I... That was when I was- I started wondering, like, "I wonder if a soul is a real thing?" I wonder what that is. That- that- that concept of, what is the force inside of someone that causes them to be alive? You sense it when you're around them. 'Cause the- the strange thing about dead bodies is not just that they're a human body that's dead. It's also that there's no one there. It- it... You know what I'm saying? Like, you have a feeling that's very intangible. There's a feeling when you're around a person, like, there's a person. And when the person's not there, it's like, "Well, he's not there anymore."

   2. JDJoey Diaz8:16

      There's no energy.

   3. JRJoe Rogan8:18

      Yeah.

   4. JDJoey Diaz8:18

      There's nothing coming from the body. There's no nothing.

   5. JRJoe Rogan8:20

      It's not as simple as the heart's not beating and the lungs aren't catching oxygen. It's something more. It's like you feel it. You know, I don't know if it's real. And it's also when you're looking at a d- a body that's, um, in an open casket, it's been drenched in formaldehyde and covered in makeup, it's very odd. Very odd.

   6. JDJoey Diaz8:40

      Now, they say that when you die, you lose how much pounds?

   7. JRJoe Rogan8:43

      That's what... I don't think that's real.

   8. JDJoey Diaz8:44

      That's... 'Cause-

   9. JRJoe Rogan8:45

      21 Grams, I think it is.

   10. JDJoey Diaz8:46

       Yeah, 21 Grams. That's the movie-

   11. JRJoe Rogan8:47

       Yeah.

   12. JDJoey Diaz8:47

       ... that that dude made.

   13. JRJoe Rogan8:48

       Well, let's see if that... Is that... What was that based on? That was based on some sort of a study. But f- from what I understand, it's not real.

   14. JDJoey Diaz8:56

       Okay.

   15. JRJoe Rogan8:57

       I don't think your soul would weigh anything. Why would it have to weigh anything?

   16. JDJoey Diaz9:00

       It's just a spirit.

   17. JRJoe Rogan9:01

       Yeah. Like-

   18. JDJoey Diaz9:02

       It's just an energy.

   19. JRJoe Rogan9:03

       ... yeah. Well, does electricity weigh anything? You know?

   20. JDJoey Diaz9:05

       You want me to tell you something, man? I grew up going to a lot of wakes early on.

   21. JRJoe Rogan9:10

       Yeah.

   22. JDJoey Diaz9:10

       And when... When you watch The Sopranos , they go to a wake every other week.

   23. JRJoe Rogan9:12

       Mm-hmm.

   24. JDJoey Diaz9:13

       New Jersey, they go to a wake every other week. I've been to... I'd been there three years, and I really could've gone to, like, 18 wakes. I've been to maybe two or three of them. But in three years, that... Wakes are big. But you s- look at the whole process of a wake. I would never let my daughter go to a wake now until she's 18 just because the effects it did to me. I don't remember my father's wake, but I remember my friends' wakes from grammar school and I remember my mother's wake, and those three wakes fucked me up to the point where somebody else died when I was, like, a s- a junior or a senior in high school and I didn't go to that wake. Like, I was like, "I'm enough awa- I've had enough of wakes." Yeah, I don't think it's healthy. I- I don't know. For me, it wasn't. I got exposed to it at a young age, and it just... It wasn't healthy, man. It fucked with me for a long time. I watched The Exorcist. It didn't fuck with me as long as those c- as much as those caskets fucked with me. So when my buddy had the funeral parlor years later, I volunteered for the job, because I didn't wanna have that creepiness between us.

   25. JRJoe Rogan10:17

       Hmm.

   26. JDJoey Diaz10:17

       And that eliminated... I saw how he responded to it. It was like an everyday thing. It was like you lifting kettle bells. Him picking up a dead body, putting him down.

   27. JRJoe Rogan10:26

       Yeah.

   28. JDJoey Diaz10:26

       You know, I saw how he...

   29. JRJoe Rogan10:28

       You get numb.

   30. JDJoey Diaz10:28

       You- you're numb to that.
7. 10:30 – 14:25

   Mortuary-industry realities: embalming, casket upsells, and cultural alternatives

   1. JDJoey Diaz10:30

      That's- that's the... You know, but it's so weird how it's, like, the number one career to get into and no-

   2. JRJoe Rogan10:36

      Really?

   3. JDJoey Diaz10:36

      ... other get into. Think about it. Uh, it pays right off the bat. Like, off the bat, if you go to- to school for the, uh, embalming school, whatever they call it.

   4. JRJoe Rogan10:45

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JDJoey Diaz10:45

      It's like a funeral director, the whole thing, they cover everything. It's, like, a year if you don't go to college. A year. A year to make a hundred and something thousand dollars. Think about it. That's not bad.

   6. JRJoe Rogan10:58

      Yeah, if you're willing to work with dead people all the time.

   7. JDJoey Diaz11:00

      If you're willing to work with dead people. My friend's funeral parlor had a fireman that did the embalming, so he would just come in and do the embalming. You know?

   8. JRJoe Rogan11:09

      Whew.

   9. JDJoey Diaz11:09

      400 a body, whatever. I don't know what's done during the embalming. It's very sacred. I know they break the spine. They drain the blood. They fill you with formaldehyde and shit. But that whole process... And then you go back and look at, like, the Aztecs and how they did. The Chinese, they put you on a boat and they float you away. They celebrate this period.

   10. JRJoe Rogan11:29

       I think the Vikings did it right.

   11. JDJoey Diaz11:30

       The Vikings did it right.

   12. JRJoe Rogan11:31

       Light that motherfucker on fire.

   13. JDJoey Diaz11:33

       Light them on fire. Everybody had their own thing-

   14. JRJoe Rogan11:35

       Yeah.

   15. JDJoey Diaz11:36

       ... which is very interesting. Every... The Aztecs, this, that. Everybody had their own way of dealing with it.

   16. JRJoe Rogan11:42

       Yeah.

   17. JDJoey Diaz11:43

       So we were on the right path. I just don't think that going in there and sitting with a dead body for three hours and looking at them is healthy. And then I heard stories from Cuba where they had no embalming fluid and you would have to bury, uh... Your body would die and you would have the wake at your home.

   18. JRJoe Rogan12:00

       Oh.

   19. JDJoey Diaz12:00

       Like, in the '40s, '20s, they had wakes at people's homes-

   20. JRJoe Rogan12:03

       Yeah.

   21. JDJoey Diaz12:04

       ... without the embalming fluid, and at one point-

   22. JRJoe Rogan12:07

       Ugh.

   23. JDJoey Diaz12:07

       ... the fucking hand would pop up.

   24. JRJoe Rogan12:09

       (gasps)

   25. JDJoey Diaz12:09

       ... and you'd have to break the arm to put the casket down. Because once that rigor mortis sets in that arm, that's a straight, that's fucking straight strength. You're not, you're not just gonna bend that arm in and, and, and do an arm bar or a Kimura. It's not gonna fucking happen. Yeah. So, they have to break the arm-

   26. JRJoe Rogan12:25

       Oh, geez.

   27. JDJoey Diaz12:25

       ... to put the arm down. So, when I was a kid, my mother would always go, "If you hit your mother, your arm pops up (laughs) and you're, and you're fucking casket." So, I decided-

   28. JRJoe Rogan12:33

       (laughs)

   29. JDJoey Diaz12:33

       ... I'm not gonna hit my mom. Fuck that. (laughs) I'm gonna walk into fucking hell with your arm up like Hitler. You know, you hit your mother, fuck you.

   30. JRJoe Rogan12:43

       You're the first person to tell me about the scams of the whole mortuary industry, about how much money they get you for. Like, no matter, even if you wanna get an embalming, you still... Or even if you wanna get, uh, someone cremated, you still have to get 'em embalmed. You still have to fill-
8. 14:25 – 15:51

   Epstein autopsy talk and the broader ‘power can hide anything’ argument

   1. JDJoey Diaz14:25

      In fact, they took Biden, that, what was his name, Michael Boden?

   2. JRJoe Rogan14:28

      Michael Baden.

   3. JDJoey Diaz14:29

      Baden. He was retired and they took him back to get the autopsy for, uh-

   4. JRJoe Rogan14:32

      On Epstein.

   5. JDJoey Diaz14:33

      ... on Epstein. That dude-

   6. JRJoe Rogan14:34

      And they found out that he has a, he had a fracture in his neck that was indicative of being strangled with a ligature. Like, a, or like some sort of fucking cord.

   7. JDJoey Diaz14:42

      A cord.

   8. JRJoe Rogan14:43

      Yeah. And that, that this wasn't like when people hang themselves. When they hang themselves, the weight of it goes up 'cause your body is hanging down. So, it's like you're getting pulled. This was down on his neck, like low, like someone strangled him from behind. And his throat, the bones in his neck were fractured, which is also like a ligature strangulation.

   9. JDJoey Diaz15:05

      Oh, isn't that weird how that just went down?

   10. JRJoe Rogan15:08

       It's still going down. Like, they, they-

   11. JDJoey Diaz15:09

       Like it disappeared, like it just-

   12. JRJoe Rogan15:10

       Ghislaine, they put Ghislaine in jail and they never released a client list. That, that is insane. The fact that that's okay with people and, you know, everybody's freaking out about Bud Light. You sh- okay, you care about Bud Light?

   13. JDJoey Diaz15:23

       (laughs)

   14. JRJoe Rogan15:23

       You care about Bud Light. You should really care about that 'cause it's showing that the people that are in power can probably have people killed and probably hide evidence that they did something that people would find atrocious.

   15. JDJoey Diaz15:34

       Like, and we just never questioned it.

   16. JRJoe Rogan15:36

       Yeah.

   17. JDJoey Diaz15:36

       He died, we knew it was, we knew, we knew it was a fucking mystery man.

   18. JRJoe Rogan15:40

       I think it's good there's more of that.

   19. JDJoey Diaz15:42

       (coughs)

   20. JRJoe Rogan15:42

       The more of that shit that's out there, the more people realize how fucking ridiculous it is to think that these people that are in positions of power give a fuck about you.

9. 15:51 – 23:18

   Politics fatigue, presidents, and a deep dive into JFK conspiracy threads

   1. JDJoey Diaz15:51

      They don't. That's why I don't fuck with politics.

   2. JRJoe Rogan15:54

      Don't fuck with politics.

   3. JDJoey Diaz15:55

      I don't.

   4. JRJoe Rogan15:55

      It's not necessary.

   5. JDJoey Diaz15:56

      I don't. I don't because at the end of the day, it don't matter. They don't give two fucks about you. I just went out for the restaurant on Sunday. Some lady, I don't know why people do this. Some couple asked me if I was a fucking Republican.

   6. JRJoe Rogan16:10

      A couple asked you that?

   7. JDJoey Diaz16:10

      Yeah, I was at a restaurant. You know, you're at a bar and you're eating and there's a couple next to you and you're talking, you're watching a game. And she goes, uh, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?" And I looked at her, I go, "I'm a felon."

   8. JRJoe Rogan16:21

      Brr.

   9. JDJoey Diaz16:21

      And she just shit. She goes, "What are you talking about?"

   10. JRJoe Rogan16:24

       (laughs)

   11. JDJoey Diaz16:25

       I go, "Listen, I don't play that shit, okay lady?" I go, "All you motherfuckers have gotten too political the last 10 years." Everybody's a political analyst. I go, I got hit in '66 and I always paid attention to elections and what people said. I always did. And after, by the time I was 18, I realized, you know what? These people come along every four years with the same fucking story and nothing gets done.

   12. JRJoe Rogan16:45

       Yeah.

   13. JDJoey Diaz16:45

       So, I chose a different path for my life instead of focusing on that. Call me when the president who says, "Listen, you don't have to go to work and you're gonna get your balls licked all day." That's who I'm voting for. Until that fucking time, I could care less because I still gotta get up and be a thief every fucking day. I still gotta get up and hustle every fucking day. So, what, what good is it? Every day they're gonna lower taxes, they're gonna do this, they're gonna do that. And I'm still getting up busting my fucking hump every fucking day. What, who gives a fuck?

   14. JRJoe Rogan17:14

       I think a bad president is very bad. But I think a good president, you just take for granted and you don't think anything, you just go about life.

   15. JDJoey Diaz17:21

       Obama was very good. There was a lot of great presidents that we had.

   16. JRJoe Rogan17:24

       Yeah, yeah.

   17. JDJoey Diaz17:24

       You know, but...

   18. JRJoe Rogan17:26

       But it, it makes the country safer if someone makes good decisions, if someone's a good figurehead. The problem when someone isn't, whether it was Trump or whoever it was, when, when people mock them and are angry at them. It's just, it's bad for morale. It's bad for everybody.

   19. JDJoey Diaz17:44

       I saw all that shit. You don't... I saw it the last two or three presidents how much as Americans we backbite. When I was a kid, we didn't backbite that much. I don't-

   20. JRJoe Rogan17:53

       Didn't backbite like the president?

   21. JDJoey Diaz17:54

       Like the president.

   22. JRJoe Rogan17:55

       Attack the president?

   23. JDJoey Diaz17:55

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan17:55

       Yeah.

   25. JDJoey Diaz17:55

       Attack the president that much.

   26. JRJoe Rogan17:57

       Well, there was a lot of people that hated Kennedy, right? Like, that was one of the things about when he got assassinated. There was a lot of people that were very happy.

   27. JDJoey Diaz18:05

       That's one of the kinkiest things in our history.

   28. JRJoe Rogan18:08

       Oh my God.

   29. JDJoey Diaz18:08

       Who was happy?

   30. JRJoe Rogan18:10

       ... for sure, the Republicans. There was a lot of Republicans-
10. 23:18 – 29:03

    ‘Godfather of Harlem’ and how gangsters, civil rights, and CIA plots intertwine

    1. JDJoey Diaz23:18

       And a, a very interesting thing. I started ... Listen, you know when people tell you to watch a show?

    2. JRJoe Rogan23:22

       Yeah.

    3. JDJoey Diaz23:23

       And you're like, "I don't want to watch that fucking show."

    4. JRJoe Rogan23:24

       Every day.

    5. JDJoey Diaz23:25

       But people tell you constantly, "Watch that show. Watch that show." I've recently put on a show, I didn't know what to expect, Joe Rogan. Un-fucking-real.

    6. JRJoe Rogan23:35

       What is it?

    7. JDJoey Diaz23:36

       Godfather of Harlem.

    8. JRJoe Rogan23:38

       Ooh. What's that?

    9. JDJoey Diaz23:39

       Not about its-

    10. JRJoe Rogan23:40

        I haven't heard anything.

    11. JDJoey Diaz23:41

        Not about what you think. It's that dude that played, uh, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the brother that goes after Sean Penn, the big dude. Forest Whitaker, the-

    12. JRJoe Rogan23:51

        Okay.

    13. JDJoey Diaz23:51

        ... fucking great actor. Uh, Nigel Thatcher.

    14. JRJoe Rogan23:55

        Season ... Is it already on season three?

    15. JDJoey Diaz23:56

        Yeah.

    16. NANarrator23:57

        Is that a prequel to American Gangster? I think I just ...

    17. JRJoe Rogan23:59

        Oh.

    18. JDJoey Diaz24:00

        This show mix-

    19. JRJoe Rogan24:01

        So it's about that guy that Denzel Washington played.

    20. NANarrator24:03

        Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    21. JDJoey Diaz24:04

        Yes. So this show ... But it's not what you-

    22. JRJoe Rogan24:06

        Oh.

    23. JDJoey Diaz24:06

        I don't want you to think, "Oh, Joey showed up here with the ..." This show, first of all, the first season, basically about Muhammad Ali in Harlem.... how he hooked up with, uh, what's his name? (snaps fingers) Ma-... uh, K-ma...

    24. JRJoe Rogan24:19

        Mm.

    25. JDJoey Diaz24:20

        Malcolm X. And they alread- already told him, "Listen, you are go-... you're, your name is Muhammad Ali, but we're not gonna change it till you win the championship, the title, because you will lose the, the white sponsors, the white devil," and all this shit.

    26. JRJoe Rogan24:36

        Mm.

    27. JDJoey Diaz24:36

        He was already with them. But not only that story, it talks about civil rights. It goes through when they shot Kennedy, what they saw, like, in Chicago, how they knew for sure it was the mob and the CIA that killed Kennedy. They talk about how when Malcolm X was gonna meet... I didn't know about this. He was gonna do a speech at the, at the United Nations with Che Guevara. Malcolm X.

    28. JRJoe Rogan25:01

        Really?

    29. JDJoey Diaz25:02

        In 1965. They were going fucking nuts. And it all ties in because what... and they, and they kind of explain in the beginning. You have to tie a gangster in with political, because then he blows up that pilot. Something really interesting. You know I'm a fucking moron, I can't say this shit.

    30. JRJoe Rogan25:18

        (laughs)
11. 29:03 – 32:22

    Bathroom break energy: aging realities, peeing logistics, and traffic war stories

    1. JDJoey Diaz29:03

       Hold on one second.

    2. JRJoe Rogan29:05

       We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.

    3. JDJoey Diaz29:06

       Joe, do you know what I'm gonna keep ru-... like, about that button?

    4. JRJoe Rogan29:08

       No worries. Good.

    5. JDJoey Diaz29:09

       Okay.

    6. JRJoe Rogan29:09

       Got you a pee before we rocked and rolled.

    7. JDJoey Diaz29:11

       No, I saw you went to the bathroom. I'm like, "I should go..." "I'll hold it." "Fuck you, you're gonna hold it."

    8. JRJoe Rogan29:15

       (sighs)

    9. JDJoey Diaz29:15

       Those holding days are over with. I gotta go, Joe.

    10. JRJoe Rogan29:18

        (laughs)

    11. JDJoey Diaz29:18

        I got a bottle in my fucking car.

    12. JRJoe Rogan29:20

        You got a bottle you pee in?

    13. JDJoey Diaz29:20

        Yeah. The one from surgery, from my knee surgery three years ago.

    14. JRJoe Rogan29:23

        Yeah.

    15. JDJoey Diaz29:23

        I just took it home and left it in the backseat.

    16. JRJoe Rogan29:25

        (laughs)

    17. JDJoey Diaz29:25

        That New Jersey turnpike, fuck you.

    18. JRJoe Rogan29:28

        Yeah.

    19. JDJoey Diaz29:28

        I go to the gym at 10:00.

    20. JRJoe Rogan29:29

        Yeah.

    21. JDJoey Diaz29:29

        You go to the gym, you're drinking, and then I go, "Hold on, let me go up north for something, a meeting or something." Dog, I gotta pull over like three times. I'll, I'll just piss in that thing at a light. I got it down to a science.

    22. JRJoe Rogan29:40

        (laughs)

    23. JDJoey Diaz29:40

        I put the Cuban Negro in the bottle.

    24. JRJoe Rogan29:42

        (laughs)

    25. JDJoey Diaz29:42

        I piss in it, I put it in the drink holder.

    26. JRJoe Rogan29:44

        (laughs)

    27. JDJoey Diaz29:45

        I just drive like a mile, and at the next light-

    28. JRJoe Rogan29:48

        I thought you said hit the brakes.

    29. JDJoey Diaz29:48

        Oh, no. I don't hit... Yo, you know me. I pop the door open, I dump, dump the little piss.

    30. JRJoe Rogan29:52

        (laughs)
12. 32:22 – 35:56

    Fentanyl era fear: why old coke habits would be deadly today

    1. JRJoe Rogan32:22

       Aren't you glad your coke days were before the fentanyl problem?

    2. JDJoey Diaz32:26

       Yeah.

    3. JRJoe Rogan32:27

       Jesus Christ, Joey.

    4. JDJoey Diaz32:29

       This is why I only do-

    5. JRJoe Rogan32:30

       You know, just think about some of the-

    6. JDJoey Diaz32:30

       ... anything I get from who I know.

    7. JRJoe Rogan32:33

       Yeah.

    8. JDJoey Diaz32:33

       I'm to a point now where I just deal with laughing gas.

    9. JRJoe Rogan32:36

       Mm-hmm.

    10. JDJoey Diaz32:36

        That's it. I eat their mushrooms, I eat anything from them because I know where I'm getting it from.

    11. JRJoe Rogan32:41

        Yeah.

    12. JDJoey Diaz32:42

        I feel a lot safer. In LA now, you gotta be really careful-

    13. JRJoe Rogan32:47

        Yeah.

    14. JDJoey Diaz32:47

        ... with anything you touch. Even if it's prescription, you gotta be fucking careful. (swallows) When I heard that people were buying testing kits for cocaine.

    15. JRJoe Rogan32:59

        Yeah. I know, it's crazy, right? But you kinda have to do that.

    16. JDJoey Diaz33:05

        You don't have to do anything.

    17. JRJoe Rogan33:06

        If you're not gonna do it.

    18. JDJoey Diaz33:06

        Why snort coke? You know, snorting coke was always a fucking, uh, ro- Russian roulette, right? Right? But now, it's even more of a Russian roulette. Now you can either die of a fucking heart attack or fentanyl.

    19. JRJoe Rogan33:19

        Yeah.

    20. JDJoey Diaz33:20

        You know? So now... And that goes for everything. That's heroin, that's prescription pills, that's fucking reefer they're putting in edibles in LA. That's everything. Look at... Didn't somebody just die again from fentanyl? Coolio or something? Just-

    21. JRJoe Rogan33:33

        Coolio died from fentanyl, yeah.

    22. JDJoey Diaz33:34

        You know, there's th- there's an end. So you gotta really... If you were... You really gotta be careful what you're putting in ya now.

    23. JRJoe Rogan33:41

        Yeah.

    24. JDJoey Diaz33:41

        Thank God I wasn't doing any of that shit now. Thank God. 'Cause yeah, you're de- you're gonna die.

    25. JRJoe Rogan33:46

        It's very scary.

    26. JDJoey Diaz33:47

        They're putting that shit into this country. I mean, that's all you read about.

    27. JRJoe Rogan33:50

        Mm-hmm.

    28. JDJoey Diaz33:50

        How much fentanyl's coming in and how many people are dying from that shit, so. But didn't they say now they're giving you Narcan at home?

    29. JRJoe Rogan33:57

        Mm-hmm.

    30. JDJoey Diaz33:57

        You can buy it at CVS or something like that?
13. 35:56 – 56:52

    Pain pills, Xanax stockpiles, panic attacks, and the brutal benzo taper

    1. JDJoey Diaz35:56

       And I gotta tell you something, I learned a very valuable lesson from those pills with my last surgery. I learned a very valuable lesson. The lesson is I learned that I think those fucking, uh, OxyContins promote more pain.

    2. JRJoe Rogan36:09

       How so?

    3. JDJoey Diaz36:09

       I really do. I really fucking do. I could tell you this now after the surgery 'cause I had... when I had the right knee surgery, okay? Number one, I gotta give it to New Jersey though. New Jersey... Listen, I know a pharmacist, and she tells me that she used to work in Staten Island. When somebody goes in there for pain pills in Staten Island, they give them 100.

    4. JRJoe Rogan36:30

       Jesus.

    5. JDJoey Diaz36:31

       You know how many they give you in Jersey?

    6. JRJoe Rogan36:33

       How much?

    7. JDJoey Diaz36:33

       19.

    8. JRJoe Rogan36:35

       Hmm.

    9. JDJoey Diaz36:35

       They would give me 19 for the week. If you're gonna take them for pain every six hours, that don't add up. They didn't give you enough in the beginning. New Jersey does not fuck around.

    10. JRJoe Rogan36:46

        So they're worried about you becoming addicted, they're worried about you-

    11. JDJoey Diaz36:48

        Yeah.

    12. JRJoe Rogan36:49

        ... abusing the system.

    13. JDJoey Diaz36:49

        The DEA went into Jersey and li- You can't get none it, and you know I know everybody.

    14. JRJoe Rogan36:54

        Yeah.

    15. JDJoey Diaz36:54

        You can't get shit in Jersey.

    16. JRJoe Rogan36:57

        Hmm.

    17. JDJoey Diaz36:57

        Shit. Not the way it was in LA.

    18. JRJoe Rogan36:59

        But Staten Island's open.

    19. JDJoey Diaz37:01

        Yeah, because New York State is different-

    20. JRJoe Rogan37:03

        Oh.

    21. JDJoey Diaz37:04

        ... prescription things. So when a doctor prescribes you Oxycontin in New York or Staten Island or for the five boroughs, they give you like 90 of them.

    22. JRJoe Rogan37:11

        Hmm.

    23. JDJoey Diaz37:12

        You know? And New Jersey, they give you 19. Though I thought the pharmacy was robbing me. Like I would get home and go, "Where'd all the pills go?" And I would sit there and go, "I take... No! I just got them. My wife would give me... How the fuck can this..." They don't give them to you-

    24. JRJoe Rogan37:27

        No.

    25. JDJoey Diaz37:27

        ... to drive you crazy no more. But I had one prescription and then it took me three days to get another one, I just suffered, and then I took another prescription and by the end of that week, the pain had gotten worse and it got to the point one day where there was that bone by my ankle.

    26. JRJoe Rogan37:44

        Mm-hmm.

    27. JDJoey Diaz37:44

        I guess they sc- screwed something in there, I don't fucking know. And I said, "You know what? I'm not gonna..." I got the prescription, I threw them away and the pain went away. So I think the pain was promoting, the pill was promoting my pain. 'Cause once I threw the pain pills away, I didn't have no more pain.

    28. JRJoe Rogan38:02

        And what was the decision to throw the pain pills away? You just decided you just-

    29. JDJoey Diaz38:05

        I don't like how they make you feel.

    30. JRJoe Rogan38:07

        Yeah.
14. 56:52 – 1:01:32

    Weed, freedom, and vice policy: Texas laws, casinos, and ‘let people live’

    1. JRJoe Rogan56:52

       They gotta fix the laws in Texas. The, basically marijuana's decriminalized in the City of Austin, but it's ... The, the, the fucking law is dumb. And these people don't realize it's dumb 'cause they've got it connected to leftists and hippies. It's about freedom. There's a lot of ranchers and farmers that like to smoke weed. It's great. Weed's great. It makes you love your children more. It makes you stare at the stars. Makes food taste better. It makes sex feel better. You fucking idiots that are making it illegal are ruining the world. And the, the, they say that it's gonna ruin people? Yeah. It's gonna ruin people. Just like cheeseburgers are gonna ruin people, and gambling is gonna ruin people, and alcohol's gonna ruin people. All those things that are legal and should be legal because you gotta give people the opportunity to fuck up their own life. You should work on counseling. You should give people advice. You should give people, um, some sort of resources where they could get out of any sort of hole they're in, whatever addiction they might have. But you gotta leave people the fuck alone. That's what this country's founded on. This country's founded on freedom. And if you don't have the freedom to choose what you put in your own body, especially when we're talking about something that is beneficial medically, psychologically, physically, not physically addictive, doesn't kill anyone. The only way you die from it, you, you literally have to do something stupid because you're high.

    2. JDJoey Diaz58:16

       If I haven't died from it, ain't nobody gonna die from marijuana.

    3. JRJoe Rogan58:19

       (laughs)

    4. JDJoey Diaz58:19

       Okay? Knock it the fuck off. Ain't no-

    5. JRJoe Rogan58:21

       The only time you die is if a fucking brick of marijuana falls out of the sky and hits you in the head. But we're still dealing with a bunch of goofy laws. And I think they keep these laws goofy on purpose. They keep the culture war going 'cause it's an easy distraction from other things. The more-

    6. JDJoey Diaz58:40

       No. You can't success in gamble either, right?

    7. JRJoe Rogan58:41

       What's that?

    8. JDJoey Diaz58:42

       You don't gamble either, right, Jamie?

    9. JRJoe Rogan58:43

       There's some gambling here, right?

    10. NANarrator58:45

        Uh, they're, they're like poker rooms that are like-

    11. JDJoey Diaz58:47

        Okay. But not like-

    12. JRJoe Rogan58:48

        Not a casino.

    13. NANarrator58:50

        ... a casino. There might be one-

    14. JRJoe Rogan58:50

        Casinos are-

    15. NANarrator58:51

        ... somewhere in the state.

    16. JRJoe Rogan58:52

        ... magnets for sick people. (laughs) You know, when you go to those casinos in like Connecticut, you're like, "Jesus Christ. There's so many people that are just sick." A lot of people having a good time, just out on a date. "Let's go to the casino. Play a couple hands of blackjack. Seems like a good time." But there's a lot of just sick, fucking gambling junkies in there. Just lost.

    17. JDJoey Diaz59:13

        When you see them and they have their wheelchairs-

    18. JRJoe Rogan59:15

        Mm-hmm.

    19. JDJoey Diaz59:16

        ... and they got the oxygen masks and they're smoking cigarettes-

    20. JRJoe Rogan59:18

        And they're still smoking.

    21. JDJoey Diaz59:18

        ... in the casino, you're like, "Wow."

    22. JRJoe Rogan59:20

        You see a lot of those.

    23. JDJoey Diaz59:21

        But different strokes for different folks.

    24. JRJoe Rogan59:22

        Hey, you gotta l-

    25. JDJoey Diaz59:23

        How about-

    26. JRJoe Rogan59:23

        ... let people do that if that's what they wanna do.

    27. JDJoey Diaz59:25

        How about the chick last week that was winning so much money she just started pissing at the casino?

    28. JRJoe Rogan59:29

        I saw that.

    29. JDJoey Diaz59:30

        Did you see that?

    30. JRJoe Rogan59:31

        That girl just pissed on the fucking seat-
15. 1:01:32 – 1:08:53

    Comedy careers and community: riding the internet wave and building a new club

    1. JRJoe Rogan1:01:32

       There's a lot of problems out there in the world though. Little babies die of leukemia. You know, there's a lot of problems. We're lucky as shit. We're, we're alive and kicking in 2023, one of the most interesting times to be alive. And you and I grew up in a time where there was no internet. We got to experience this whole wave of change over the world. The erosion of faith in politicians and, and media is at an all-time high. People are j- just starting to wake up to how fucking insane this world is organized and run. And we're starting to realize that, hey, you know, this is almost over for whoever is listening to this. If you're listening to this and you're in your 40s, you're halfway there, kid.

    2. JDJoey Diaz1:02:12

       (laughs)

    3. JRJoe Rogan1:02:12

       All right? If you're listening in your 20s, if nothing terrible happens to you and you don't accidentally overdose on fentanyl, you got a solid 60 years left if everything goes great. If you're taking care of yourself, maybe you'll make it to 90. Maybe. So I'm 55. So, how much time do I have left? I'm pretty robust.

    4. JDJoey Diaz1:02:30

       20.

    5. JRJoe Rogan1:02:31

       I work out a lot.

    6. JDJoey Diaz1:02:32

       20.

    7. JRJoe Rogan1:02:32

       20 years? That's it? Damn. I was hoping for like 100.

    8. JDJoey Diaz1:02:36

       After that, what are you gonna do?

    9. JRJoe Rogan1:02:37

       I think I'd do 150.

    10. JDJoey Diaz1:02:37

        You really wanna be alive to be 100?

    11. JRJoe Rogan1:02:39

        Yeah.

    12. JDJoey Diaz1:02:39

        Sitting there?

    13. JRJoe Rogan1:02:40

        I think, I think I'd get even better.

    14. JDJoey Diaz1:02:41

        Hmm?

    15. JRJoe Rogan1:02:42

        I think I'd get even better about it, at anything. I think if you could stay alive for longer you'd make less mistakes, you'd understand yourself more. There'd be like a value that you could give to other people, if you have energy. Like people can learn things from other people that have already experienced life. That's why we love hearing stories and hearing wise people talk about things. The more I experience life, the more I understand me and, and other people. And the more I talk to people, the more I understand people, the better I get at it, the better I get at life. I really, really, really believe that. And I think everybody does-

    16. JDJoey Diaz1:03:14

        Everybody does.

    17. JRJoe Rogan1:03:14

        ... sort of. Everybody does-

    18. JDJoey Diaz1:03:15

        I feel the same way.

    19. JRJoe Rogan1:03:15

        ... in their heart of hearts.

    20. JDJoey Diaz1:03:16

        I feel the same way.

    21. JRJoe Rogan1:03:17

        As long as you don't give up. As long as you don't give up, as long as you don't get cynical, as long as you don't get hateful. If you could just stay positive and stay around loving people, and be a good person, and be someone that people like to be around, it gets, you can get better all the time. Like you keep getting better at being a human, you get better at podcasting, you get better at standup, you get better at everything.

    22. JDJoey Diaz1:03:38

        You once told me something really interesting, when you said that your biggest fear was turning old. You didn't wanna, you wanted to be in good shape when you get older.

    23. JRJoe Rogan1:03:46

        Yeah.

    24. JDJoey Diaz1:03:46

        You know. And my biggest fear all these years, honest to God, was not dying or anything. It was not being... I hate to say this to you, and you're gonna understand what I'm saying right off the bat, people at home might not, I didn't want to become one of the comics at the store when we got there.

    25. JRJoe Rogan1:04:06

        I know what you mean.

    26. JDJoey Diaz1:04:06

        I'd rather shoot myself. I didn't wanna call you when I was 60 and go, "Dog, I'm taking this cruise. I need to come on the podcast to change my life," as we both heard from people.

    27. JRJoe Rogan1:04:18

        Yeah.

    28. JDJoey Diaz1:04:18

        I did not want to be one of those guys, and that is what I'm proudest of the most. I'm proud that I put a book together. I f- I've, I'm very proud that I've found alternatives. That I didn't have to keep bothering people at clubs to put me on.

    29. JRJoe Rogan1:04:33

        Yeah.

    30. JDJoey Diaz1:04:33

        And-
16. 1:08:53 – 1:28:17

    LA’s pandemic-era chaos, guns, defund-the-police backlash, and crime policy debates

    1. JDJoey Diaz1:08:53

       I want you to go back when you were talking about LA, what your liberal friends ask and that's a good topic you brought up, because I always feel that the beginning of my downfall with the fear just wasn't the pandemic.

    2. JRJoe Rogan1:09:07

       Mm-hmm.

    3. JDJoey Diaz1:09:08

       I'm not scared to fucking die from a fucking cold. It wasn't the pandemic, but the pandemic was fucking with me. The thing that fucked with me the most was what my neighborhood had become.

    4. JRJoe Rogan1:09:19

       Yeah.

    5. JDJoey Diaz1:09:19

       And not from you telling me. You know how people tell you shit?

    6. JRJoe Rogan1:09:22

       Mm-hmm.

    7. JDJoey Diaz1:09:22

       No, no. What I saw.

    8. JRJoe Rogan1:09:24

       Yeah.

    9. JDJoey Diaz1:09:24

       And once I see something, that's it. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells me. I saw a guy get hit by a 4x4.

    10. JRJoe Rogan1:09:31

        Oh.

    11. JDJoey Diaz1:09:32

        In a tr- at the bus station in North Hollywood where we drove by thousands of times. I saw a guy hitting people with a 4x4, not a 2x4.

    12. JRJoe Rogan1:09:41

        Oh.

    13. JDJoey Diaz1:09:42

        Who leaves the house with a 4x4?

    14. JRJoe Rogan1:09:44

        Jesus Christ.

    15. JDJoey Diaz1:09:44

        Okay, I saw a fucking CVS Studio City. I saw a white guy and an- an African American hooker fighting at CVS at 10:00 in the morning in Studio City. I've been going to that fucking thing for five years, that CVS. That's where I got all my prescriptions and shit. I saw like three or four things. Then I had the glass door in my house, so I kept f- feeling that they were gonna kick the front door in. So I went right to the Armenian, and I'm like, "Dawg, I need a gun. We ain't got time to stand online in Burbank." And he brought me like a fucking .45 with a bazooka and shit.

    16. JRJoe Rogan1:10:25

        (laughs)

    17. JDJoey Diaz1:10:25

        And I gave him like $2 grand. I go, "Don't come back without a gun."

    18. JRJoe Rogan1:10:28

        Wow.

    19. JDJoey Diaz1:10:29

        This motherfucker came back three days later with like a fucking AR-15-

    20. JRJoe Rogan1:10:32

        (laughs)

    21. JDJoey Diaz1:10:33

        ... in a suitcase with a violin.

    22. JRJoe Rogan1:10:35

        Uh.

    23. JDJoey Diaz1:10:35

        I'm like, "Oh my God." So now, one thing I don't like, I do not like weapons. I'll shoot you, but I don't wanna have a weapon. I can't have a weapon when I close in.

    24. JRJoe Rogan1:10:44

        You don't wanna want to have a weapon, right? You don't wanna-

Episode duration: 2:29:24