Joe Rogan Experience #1991 - Protect Our Parks 8

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are stand-up comics, writers, and podcasters. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker. His special, "Shane Gillis: Live in Austin," is available via YouTube, and season two of "Gilly and Keeves," his sketch comedy series with John McKeever, is available now at www.gillyandkeeves.tv.www.shanemgillis.comMark is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. His latest special, "Mark Normand: Out to Lunch," is available via YouTube. Buy tickets for Mark's new tour ‘Ya Don’t Say’ on his website.www.marknormandcomedy.comAri is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube.www.arishaffir.com

Joe RoganhostShane GillisguestMark NormandguestGuestguestAri Shaffirguest

Jun 27, 20242h 32mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,008 words

0:00 – 1:03
Cold open: weed dare, childish bravado, and “You won’t” energy
1. JRJoe Rogan
  (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
2. NANarrator
  The Joe Rogan Experience. (rock music)
3. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Burp, I have to burp.
4. SGShane Gillis
  Whoa.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  ... last one. You blanched in that boys' boys.
6. SGShane Gillis
  Damn, that stank.
7. NANarrator
  That's thick.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  That's thick.
9. NANarrator
  That's a lizzo.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  We just passed it.
11. MNMark Normand
  You're not taking it?
12. NANarrator
  That's Joey Diaz, laughing gas weed.
13. MNMark Normand
  Oh my God, dude. (laughs)
14. SGShane Gillis
  (coughs)
15. NANarrator
  You both pussied out. You, like you called him a pussy and then you passed it.
16. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, I was joking. I was never gonna smoke that.
17. SGShane Gillis
  (laughs)
18. NANarrator
  Yeah, if I smoked it, I'd be under the table.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  You scared.
20. MNMark Normand
  You smoke it, you coward. I was already smoking it. You can't, you can't push me.
21. NANarrator
  He's... I didn't bully you into smoking it, dude. (laughs)
22. MNMark Normand
  You can't bully me when I'm already doing it. I'm an actor.
23. NANarrator
  He's bullying and he's not doing it.
24. MNMark Normand
  (laughs)
25. NANarrator
  He bullied him and he didn't do it.
26. MNMark Normand
  That's what funny. The funny... (laughs)
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Shane is the king of that.
28. SGShane Gillis
  Mmm.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Here's my only impression of Shane: You won't.
30. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, you won't do that.
1:03 – 4:35
Athens trip recap: Acropolis confusion and Greek food takes
1. NANarrator
  Well, he's jet-lagged. He came from another country.
2. MNMark Normand
  Oh.
3. NANarrator
  He had a day-
4. SGShane Gillis
  I can't believe you're doing this.
5. NANarrator
  ... he had a day to rest.
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, I had a, uh, Athens, uh, fucking five hours jet-lagged and-
7. NANarrator
  Did you go see the Acropolis?
8. JRJoe Rogan
  I did.
9. NANarrator
  Hmm.
10. SGShane Gillis
  Wow, shit.
11. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh?
13. SGShane Gillis
  It's so cool.
14. NANarrator
  What's Acropolis?
15. MNMark Normand
  It's like a bunch of fucking rubble.
16. NANarrator
  Oh.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Yeah, it's just, just they built on top of-
18. SGShane Gillis
  The P... Which, wait well the Acropolis is the base, the Parthenon is the building, correct?
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Yes.
20. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  Dude, did I tell you I looked up that a bunch of times when I was there and I still don't know.
22. SGShane Gillis
  Nobody knows.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
24. NANarrator
  No idea.
25. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah, the Acropolis is the building, the Parthenon is what it's built on.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh.
27. NANarrator
  Oh.
28. SGShane Gillis
  Interesting.
29. NANarrator
  The Greeks were gay.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Greeks were gay.
4:35 – 7:11
Parks, playgrounds, and the ‘creepy adult at the park’ problem
1. NANarrator
  Did you protect those parks in Athens?
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Um, people have asked me about the parks. Like-
3. NANarrator
  Yeah, everyone you try to protect goes away.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  I saw one somewhere, like, "Have you protected any parks lately?" And I was like, "No, I've only failed in protecting any parks."
5. NANarrator
  Yeah.
6. SGShane Gillis
  Well, you only tried one.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, utter failure.
8. SGShane Gillis
  But you know, but sometimes it's your first time trying to protect the park.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  True.
10. MNMark Normand
  Why do you like parks?
11. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
12. MNMark Normand
  Your third joyous place?
13. SGShane Gillis
  Because he's one of those... He's a city dork. It's the only nature he gets.
14. MNMark Normand
  Bored as it gets. They stink.
15. SGShane Gillis
  (laughs)
16. MNMark Normand
  (laughs)
17. SGShane Gillis
  It's the only nature that's around.
18. MNMark Normand
  I took my nephew to a park, I just looked like a fucking pedophile the whole time.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  He was looking for the little tiny park-
20. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  ... with a swing set.
22. MNMark Normand
  Yeah, I just-
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh yeah, yeah.
24. MNMark Normand
  I took him to a park, I was just yelling at him.
25. NANarrator
  You're not allowed to go without a kid.
26. MNMark Normand
  I tried.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, a lot of these places.
28. SGShane Gillis
  Right, yeah, that's weird.
29. NANarrator
  Yeah.
30. SGShane Gillis
  Going to a park and just watching kids. Boy, I love watching kids interact.
7:11 – 11:05
Fights, guns, and viral clips: why escalating is deadly
1. JRJoe Rogan
  That would be nice, getting so, like, hammered and just going to your fucking ex-wife's house, like screaming up to-
2. SGShane Gillis
  "Yeah, I wanna see my fucking son, you bitch."
3. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
4. SGShane Gillis
  Tell him to get shot.
5. NANarrator
  "Daddy, no."
6. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
7. SGShane Gillis
  There's a horrible video of a guy getting shot doing that.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, really?
9. NANarrator
  What?
10. SGShane Gillis
  He goes to the, to the house where his kid lives, and there's a guy there, and the guy and the wife are there, and he's yelling, and the guy's going, "Get off my fucking property." And the guy wo- and the guy's a big guy, and he gets in his face. And the guy goes and gets an AR, and they struggle with the AR.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
12. NANarrator
  No.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Wait, they fought-
14. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah, they struggle with the gun briefly, and then the guy lights him up.
15. NANarrator
  That's a good dad.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Why get that close?
17. SGShane Gillis
  And he lights, he lights him up in front of the, the guy's mom-
18. NANarrator
  Oh.
19. SGShane Gillis
  ... who was also there.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  Wait, who shot who?
21. SGShane Gillis
  The, the biological father got shot by the stepdad.
22. NANarrator
  Yes, yes, the stepdad.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Ooh, that's it. He got fucked.
24. SGShane Gillis
  The stepdad, who's a smaller guy, 'cause the biological dad's a big guy.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Why would you get close enough with an AR for some other guy to grab it?
26. SGShane Gillis
  I think he was just trying to threaten him, like if he pulled out a gun, the guy would be like, "That's it."
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
28. SGShane Gillis
  "Okay, you got a gun. I'm gonna leave now." But this guy was an idiot. I- I've seen quite a few of those people just... People get nutty and they don't understand risk, and they don't understand danger, even just with fights when they get in people's face. "Yeah, man, fuck you." Well, fuck you.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, do something then.
30. SGShane Gillis
  Like you don't, you literally don't know how to fight, and you're, you're about to engage in one of the most dangerous things that people can do other size... Other than using weapons.
11:05 – 14:47
Cults: Korean ‘soccer god,’ Joe’s theater, and why cults still work
1. SGShane Gillis
  I just watched a cult documentary. That, uh, Korean guy, you see that one?
2. JRJoe Rogan
  No.
3. NANarrator
  No.
4. SGShane Gillis
  Jamie, you see that one? It's like In the Name of the Holy Father or something.
5. NANarrator
  Pull it up.
6. SGShane Gillis
  It's pretty great, dude.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Korean cult?
8. NANarrator
  Bro, my-
9. SGShane Gillis
  Korean dude just started a cult, but one of his things was-
10. NANarrator
  North or south?
11. SGShane Gillis
  He made everybody south. Watch him... He would play soccer in the cult, and he would score like 70 goals.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
13. NANarrator
  (laughs)
14. SGShane Gillis
  He said he was God and he would fight, fucked everybody.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, God. Of course he fucked everybody.
16. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah, he was fucking everybody.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  It always goes to fuck him.
18. NANarrator
  And they always fall for it, every time.
19. SGShane Gillis
  No, I'm talking about everybody. Dude, my favorite cult movie is the movie about the building I bought.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  That's great.
21. SGShane Gillis
  Holy hell.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
23. SGShane Gillis
  It's a fucking amazing cult documentary.
24. NANarrator
  What?
25. SGShane Gillis
  It's so crazy.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
27. NANarrator
  Hoohuh, hoohah?
28. SGShane Gillis
  Do you know the story?
29. NANarrator
  No.
30. SGShane Gillis
  The building that I bought originally for the mothership was a place called the One World Theater. And that One World Theater was built by a cult so that their leader could dance in front of them.
14:47 – 18:33
Religion vs cult, taboo workarounds, and Mormon “soaking/docking” riffs
1. SGShane Gillis
  Well, you know, the, this, the, that's the question, of like when does it become a cult?
2. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
3. SGShane Gillis
  Like what ... Is Christianity a cult? Is Catholicism a cult?
4. NANarrator
  Oh, they're all cults.
5. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah. If you wanna look at it in technical terms.
6. MNMark Normand
  No. What makes a cult? What makes a cult versus religion?
7. SGShane Gillis
  No.
8. MNMark Normand
  You're not watching some Korean guy fuck everybody and score 70 goals. (laughs)
9. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
10. NANarrator
  Yeah. (laughs)
11. SGShane Gillis
  The ... Those are the religions of the cults-
12. MNMark Normand
  Jordan Priest fucked a lot of boys.
13. NANarrator
  But that's why they didn't last.
14. SGShane Gillis
  But the religions of the ball-
15. NANarrator
  They went too hard.
16. SGShane Gillis
  Tell that to the Catholics.
17. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
18. NANarrator
  That's what I'm saying, that's a good cult.
19. MNMark Normand
  They fucked a lot of guys.
20. NANarrator
  They figured it out. Good marketing.
21. SGShane Gillis
  Well, they figured out how to make the Vatican a country.
22. NANarrator
  Yeah and they-
23. SGShane Gillis
  It's just the wildest shit ever.
24. MNMark Normand
  Oh, yeah.
25. NANarrator
  Fucking kids.
26. SGShane Gillis
  You know, 100 acre-
27. MNMark Normand
  It got bigger.
28. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
29. NANarrator
  ... and getting away with it.
30. MNMark Normand
  It's like Disney.
18:33 – 22:00
Hecklers, Caroline’s, and the Dan Henderson ‘stare him down’ story
1. SGShane Gillis
  Dan, Dan Henderson? You know Dan Henderson, fucking, one of the elite MMA fighters of all time? He was at my show in New York City once.
2. NANarrator
  He likes docking?
3. SGShane Gillis
  And th- this, this hacker was talking. I said to the hacker, "Hey, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm gonna have Dan Henderson hold you down-"
4. NANarrator
  (laughs)
5. SGShane Gillis
  "... and fuck your girl right in front of you."
6. NANarrator
  Oh.
7. SGShane Gillis
  And Dan Henderson goes, "Why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down?" (laughs)
8. NANarrator
  Damn.
9. MNMark Normand
  (laughs) I remember that.
10. SGShane Gillis
  It was nuts.
11. MNMark Normand
  You remember that? It was nuts. And we were just like-
12. SGShane Gillis
  People-
13. MNMark Normand
  Oh, Jesus. ... there was like a chill in the room. Like, "Oh, you could."
14. NANarrator
  Damn.
15. SGShane Gillis
  It was so real. (laughs)
16. MNMark Normand
  Wow.
17. SGShane Gillis
  (laughs)
18. MNMark Normand
  If the guy had like took one step forward-
19. SGShane Gillis
  Wow.
20. MNMark Normand
  ... and was like, "Hey, stop fucking my wife." He's like, "Uh." Okay.
21. SGShane Gillis
  Fucker.
22. MNMark Normand
  Dan Henderson's a fucking animal. Just the fact that he could come up with that on the fly.
23. SGShane Gillis
  Nasty.
24. NANarrator
  Yeah.
25. MNMark Normand
  Like, and he thinks like that.
26. NANarrator
  He's said that before.
27. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
28. SGShane Gillis
  "Why would I hold him down when I could just stare him down?" (laughs)
29. NANarrator
  That's terrifying.
30. GUGuest
  ... the wife was like-
22:00 – 47:30
Clean comedy, late-night irrelevance, and loving Norm Macdonald
1. GUGuest
  That happened to me. I did a club in Erie, Pennsylvania.
2. SGShane Gillis
  Yes.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Up there?
4. GUGuest
  And the guy goes, "You better be clean, you better be squeaky clean, TV clean." I was like, "Oh, shit." I was three years in. And then the host goes up, who told me that, and he's like, "So, I was fucking my wife in the ass. I jizzed in her daughter's hair." And I'm like, "What the hell?"
5. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
6. GUGuest
  Then I went up-
7. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a fuckery, too.
8. GUGuest
  ... and I was like, "So, uh, cereal's weird." And they're like, "Boo! Boo!"
9. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
10. GUGuest
  "Get the host back up."
11. SGShane Gillis
  Cereal's weird. (laughs)
12. GUGuest
  (laughs)
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Trying to run a new hour on the fly.
14. SGShane Gillis
  (laughs)
15. GUGuest
  Yeah, I did.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, my God.
17. GUGuest
  Just taking all the fucks out and the jizz out.
18. SGShane Gillis
  Those were the worst gigs, when you had to work clean.
19. GUGuest
  Ugh.
20. SGShane Gillis
  They're like, "You got 20 minutes to work clean, so you're stretching out your pits."
21. JRJoe Rogan
  It sucks, though-
22. GUGuest
  Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  ... you're like, "Oh, I, this is a clean bed," and then halfway in, you're like, "Oh, it does go to anal."
24. GUGuest
  In the end.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Damn. Fuck. It does go to anal.
26. GUGuest
  It does go to anal. (laughs)
27. JRJoe Rogan
  And you're like, "How can I re-, how can I re-, uh, aim this?"
28. SGShane Gillis
  Ugh.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  I never had to do one.
30. GUGuest
  Clean?
47:30 – 52:15
Hot-mic disasters: ‘chink in the armor’ and the Castellanos apology clip
1. GUGuest
  Now, remember they had Chink in the Armor. That was them.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Who are those?
3. GUGuest
  That was Jeremy Lin.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  Are you still saying that?
5. SGShane Gillis
  No, that was ESPN.
6. GUGuest
  No. I think it was the Post.
7. SGShane Gillis
  That was ESPN. ESPN.
8. GUGuest
  Damn.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. What was it?
10. SGShane Gillis
  Jeremy Lin was a Asian basketball player and he was dominating and said (laughs) Chink in the Armor was the ESPN headline.
11. GUGuest
  Really?
12. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
13. GUGuest
  I'm just quoting the headline.
14. SGShane Gillis
  That's crazy.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  He was quoting me that one time.
16. SGShane Gillis
  ESPN Fires Employee After Offensive Lin Headline. Wow.
17. GUGuest
  He said, "I didn't know ... I have no idea. It was not on purpose."
18. SGShane Gillis
  But that is a thing that you would say.
19. GUGuest
  Exactly. That's what he said.
20. SGShane Gillis
  Like, if there was a player-
21. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
22. SGShane Gillis
  ... that found a hole in the defense, he found a chink in the armor.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  I would like to hear the phrasing. What do you mean-
24. GUGuest
  It's a phrase.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, in the Hornets defense. He found a chink in the Hornets defense.
26. GUGuest
  That's a, it's an expression.
27. SGShane Gillis
  It is a common expression.
28. GUGuest
  Yeah.
29. MNMark Normand
  Tough one on this one, though. Tough one.
30. SGShane Gillis
  It is a tough one on that one, but you could make that mistake. And if you made that mistake, like-
52:15 – 56:48
UFC commentary craft and the joy of big fight nights
1. MNMark Normand
  Baseball's tough too, 'cause you gotta... It's basically like a podcast, 'cause it's such a boring fucking game.
2. NANarrator
  Oh, right.
3. MNMark Normand
  You guys just talk.
4. ASAri Shaffir
  You gotta talk, you gotta be on, funny, captivating.
5. MNMark Normand
  Right, right, yeah.
6. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah. That's interesting.
7. MNMark Normand
  Baseball's slow. Hockey-
8. SGShane Gillis
  Fighting is easy.
9. MNMark Normand
  Hockey's hard.
10. SGShane Gillis
  Fighting is easy because it's all happening.
11. ASAri Shaffir
  Right.
12. SGShane Gillis
  It's like the excitement is not what you talk about.
13. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
14. SGShane Gillis
  It's, it's all happening, so you just have to describe what's going on.
15. ASAri Shaffir
  But what if they're just kind of circling?
16. SGShane Gillis
  All right, but they wanna put it on the ground.
17. ASAri Shaffir
  Do you guys have to go, "Uh, he's circling. Uh, so..." Uh, blue chip.
18. SGShane Gillis
  No, you just talk about what he's trying to do, like, "Oh, he's trying to set something up. Like, what, what do you see in the movement? What do you see in the way they're, they're interacting with each other? Like, what, what patterns do you see?" You see thousands of fights. You see patterns. You see s- when someone's starting to set things up, you see someone who's pressing, someone who's biting on feints. You see things.
19. ASAri Shaffir
  But I also see some announcers be like... So they talk... start talking about his past and how he came up-
20. MNMark Normand
  Yeah.
21. ASAri Shaffir
  ... and how he trains.
22. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah, sometimes you do that, and it's all free flow, you know?
23. MNMark Normand
  Saying that.
24. SGShane Gillis
  You don't know what you're gonna say.
25. ASAri Shaffir
  Yeah.
26. SGShane Gillis
  Like, that's why Anik is the best. He's the best. That guy, John Anik-
27. MNMark Normand
  He's, he's crazy.
28. NANarrator
  That's crazy.
29. ASAri Shaffir
  He's good.
30. MNMark Normand
  Fucking goat. When you take me to those fights and I see that guy work, it's fucking crazy.