Joe Rogan Experience #1994 - Theo Von

Narrator 0:00 (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience.

0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (rock music plays)

Joe Rogan 0:13 ... (rock music plays) Theo Von, Austin, Texas. What- what a pop you got last night. That was a lot of pressure.

Theo Von 0:19 It was a lot of pressure.

Joe Rogan 0:20 They went crazy. One of the nice things about these shows that we do is that no one knows who's gonna be on them, these Joe Rogan and Friends shows, so, like, it could be a surprise. You were surprised last night.

Theo Von 0:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:31 And, uh, we got a, we got video of it. Is it, uh, on the, uh, Mothergram- Mothership Instagram?

Narrator 0:37 That's actually a better name. It should be the Mothergram.

Joe Rogan 0:39 Yeah, right? (laughs)

Theo Von 0:40 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:43 Look at this. Do they have a pop? All right, here we go.

Narrator 0:49 Oh, yeah. I love that. Keep it moving and going. For the social media, all the way from Nashville, Tennessee, Theo Von! (cheering)

Joe Rogan 1:01 Bro, you got a standing O. What's up? (laughs)

Theo Von 1:04 That's crazy, dude.

Joe Rogan 1:05 You spent the first 30 seconds of your set high-fiving people. Come on, son. Look at this, look at this.

Theo Von 1:14 It was crazy. Some dude threw some semen up at me, I think.

Joe Rogan 1:18 Real semen?

Theo Von 1:18 Like in that movie, um, Silence of the Lambs. Yeah, I don't know if it was real or not.

Joe Rogan 1:22 Miggs.

Theo Von 1:23 Yeah. (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:23 Yeah, Miggs is a guy locked in the cell.

Theo Von 1:25 I mean, yeah, I batted it down. I respected it.

Joe Rogan 1:27 (blows raspberries)

Theo Von 1:29 But yeah, people... Dude, that was awesome, man. Thank you. Congrats.

Joe Rogan 1:32 For sure. My pleasure.

Theo Von 1:33 Congrats 'cause I remember last time I was here, you just... We went and, you know, you were walk- you walked me through, and you're like, "This is where the light's gonna go when you go on." Like, you had everything to a T.

Joe Rogan 1:41 Yeah. How long ago was that?

Theo Von 1:43 That was last July.

Joe Rogan 1:45 Okay. So last July, there was... Uh, that... We hadn't even raised the floors yet, right?

Theo Von 1:52 Y'all were just talking about it.

Joe Rogan 1:53 Yeah. That was, that was before we lowered the ceiling and raised the floors. That was... So you got in when it looked like a movie theater. Still looked like the old movie theater, right?

Theo Von 2:03 Yeah, I think you were just talking about adjusting the floor heights and doing something like that. Yeah, dude, it was awe- I mean, that was crazy. That was probably... That was a highlight of my, uh, that, I mean, that was a, a highlight of my life, I think.

Joe Rogan 2:14 (laughs) I think so too.

Theo Von 2:17 'Cause you get to be a surprise. Like, there's not as much surprises anymore in the world, you know?

Joe Rogan 2:22 It's true.

Theo Von 2:23 So to v- to have a moment where you're, like, part of a surprise, I think, felt really good.

Joe Rogan 2:27 Yeah, that's, that's what it looked like.

Theo Von 2:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:30 So that... So when you were there, it was all rough and everything was, you know, just beginning. So you were there the early days. It's weird to be in there now because, (sighs) I mean, I don't wanna sound crazy, but I feel like that place has always been there. It's weird.

Theo Von 2:48 Like the club has always been there?

Joe Rogan 2:49 Yeah, the club. It's like it's, it's like it was waiting for us.

Theo Von 2:53 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 2:54 Like a Stephen King book. For real. Like that, that, that... I've never been in a building that felt more like it was conscious.

Theo Von 3:01 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:02 The place feels conscious. My daughter's into ghosts and shit, and she has this, uh, this thing that she puts on, this, uh, this headphone that's connected to some, some box, and someone will ask questions, and the, the box will pick up, like, random signals, and you're blindfolded, and you listen to this. And so, uh, they, they do this to test places for ghosts, and she says that place is haunted.

Theo Von 3:30 She said the club is?

Joe Rogan 3:31 Yeah.

Theo Von 3:32 Oh, I believe that. I could see-

Joe Rogan 3:33 (laughs)

Theo Von 3:33 ... it being haunted probably.

Joe Rogan 3:34 She's also 12. (laughs)

Theo Von 3:37 Well, I'm older than her-

Joe Rogan 3:38 At the time.

Theo Von 3:38 ... but I could all, I would agree with her probably. (laughs) I mean, I could see there being... Uh, I will say this. It felt there was some kind of, um... It felt... I, I, I can understand when you say, like, "This feels like it should've been there over time and history." Like, it's already, like, was just supposed to-

Joe Rogan 3:53 Yeah.

Theo Von 3:53 ... land there, you know?

Joe Rogan 3:55 That's what it feels like. It really does.

Theo Von 3:58 It was cool, man. I walked into the green. It was just crazy. There's, like that big snake is like in the... There's like a snake in the table.

Joe Rogan 4:05 Yeah.

Theo Von 4:06 And then they had Ron White is sitting there, you know. And then, um, Tom Segura was in there. Uh, Dave Attell was in there. Louie Katz. Um, and-

Joe Rogan 4:17 Crazy.

Theo Von 4:18 ... Ian... I don't know Ian's last name, but it was a- Yeah, dude, it was awesome, man. And just to see it come to fruition. That was the k- I think that's the thing that was really exciting. It was like, wow, like, if somebody thinks about something and they're really focused on it, that they can make something real.

Joe Rogan 4:34 You can actually make something happen.

Theo Von 4:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:36 And I've never done that before. This, this is the first time I've ever done that.

Theo Von 4:40 It was c- It was... Yeah, I think it was inspiring, probably in ways I don't even realize, 'cause sometimes you get inspired and then it, like, just hits you later, you know? But-

Joe Rogan 4:47 Yeah.

Theo Von 4:47 ... but it was awesome, man. Thank you. It was cool.

Joe Rogan 4:49 My pleasure.

Theo Von 4:50 Yeah, you did. I mean, you... Yeah, you guys are making it happen.

Joe Rogan 4:54 Yeah, it's crazy.

Theo Von 4:55 It is.

Joe Rogan 4:55 Yeah, it's a, it, but it, you know. I always kinda knew you could do something like that.

Theo Von 5:00 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 5:01 But doing it, actually doing it, and actually watching it take place, and doing it, like, relatively low stress. It was relatively low stress. Like, it's, you know. Except for a few issues that you have to deal with at the club, it's not, not, not a big deal.

Theo Von 5:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:18 You know?

Theo Von 5:19 And y'all don't have food, right?

Joe Rogan 5:20 Yeah, that's a big one. Oh. Fuck food.

Theo Von 5:22 There's... Yeah, all the condiments and all of that just stains everything and gets on everything, I feel like.

Joe Rogan 5:28 Not only that, you get roaches and all kinds of other shit, and... Ugh. Roaches love ketchup, I bet.

Theo Von 5:33 (laughs) Do they? I would.

Joe Rogan 5:34 Everybody loves ketchup.

Theo Von 5:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:36 (laughs) I like ketchup on hot dogs.

Theo Von 5:37 Oh, dude, I bet if you could really get it out of a roach, if you fucking tickled him hard enough, he'd tell you he liked it.

Joe Rogan 5:43 I like relish.

Theo Von 5:44 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:45 Relish is my favorite.

Theo Von 5:46 Yeah, but we got food next door on both sides of us. We got-

Joe Rogan 5:49 Yeah, they got everything.

Theo Von 5:50 ... shitty Mexican food and shitty pizza.

Joe Rogan 5:52 Yeah.

Theo Von 5:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:53 Just what comics deserve too. (laughs) We got some good pizza last night, though. They got some good... I'm, I'm not eating it, but, uh, uh, Attell got something from some high-end pizza place, Hoboken something Pizza something.

Theo Von 6:06 He's the funniest, man. Yeah, they had, um, a lot of ghost stuff. Like, I grew up in Louisiana, right?

Joe Rogan 6:13 Yeah.

Theo Von 6:13 And so ghosts and ghosts, uh, and stuff was a big part of the history, you know, uh, especially in the South.

Joe Rogan 6:20 Hmm.

Theo Von 6:21 You know, I think, um...

Joe Rogan 6:22 What do you think a ghost is?

Theo Von 6:24 A ghost?... probably just some busy body that just didn't get all their stuff done.

Joe Rogan 6:30 Ooh, they were lazy when they were alive, so they hang around a- after li-... You know what it's like? It's like those dudes who would hang around the high school after they already graduated.

Theo Von 6:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:40 Like, "What are you doing, loser?"

Theo Von 6:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:43 (laughs)

Theo Von 6:44 Yeah, look at this ghost over here.

Joe Rogan 6:45 Yeah, look at this ghost.

Theo Von 6:46 Oh, they had a dude, uh, who would bring, like, uh, who was always dating, like, an underage chick, and he's come-

Joe Rogan 6:52 Ugh.

Theo Von 6:52 ... and, like, hand them McDonald's over the fence at our school.

Joe Rogan 6:55 Oh, God.

Theo Von 6:56 Oh, and everybody-

Joe Rogan 6:56 How old was he?

Theo Von 6:57 Oh, everybody thought he was damn Prince Charles. Everybody thought he was, like, the luckiest guy in the world. But he, yeah, he was older. He just, like, was an adult and-

Joe Rogan 7:05 Like, a 20-year-old adult, or, like, a 30-year-old adult? It gets exponentially creepier.

Theo Von 7:12 (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:12 Right? And, like, if, if you just graduated, and you're 18, and your girlfriend is 17, that shit is completely normal.

Theo Von 7:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:19 You know? But if you're 19, and she's 17, people start to look a little sideways, huh?

Theo Von 7:24 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 7:24 That extra 12 months makes a big difference. If you're 20, and she's 17, people will get very upset with you, even in places where it's legal, where, where it is legal in a few places, which is kinda weird.

Theo Von 7:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:36 Because that's pretty weird.

Theo Von 7:36 And if you are 35 and she's 17, you can't be a comedian anymore (laughs) , I'll tell you that.

Joe Rogan 7:42 No. Are you sure?

Theo Von 7:43 I don't (laughs) ... You know, I don't know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:47 (laughs)

Theo Von 7:47 I don't know. Who knows?

Joe Rogan 7:48 (laughs)

Theo Von 7:48 I mean, who knows, bro? Who knows?

Joe Rogan 7:49 I don't know.

Theo Von 7:50 Um...

Joe Rogan 7:50 But it's weird, like, what's legal versus what's okay. Like, it, it's, it really depends on men, right? Because, uh, with men, like, if a 17-year-old boy, if, if some 40-year-old lady fucks a 17-year-old boy, I'm like, "All right, dude, how was it?"

Theo Von 8:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:06 "Is she crazy? What's going on?" i- if she's hot, and i- he's not coerced and drugged, who cares? But if a 40-year-old man is banging a 17-year-old girl-

Theo Von 8:18 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 8:18 ... I get very upset.

Theo Von 8:19 Yup.

Joe Rogan 8:19 Isn't that interesting?

Theo Von 8:20 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 8:21 It's a d- very different standard for men and women.

Theo Von 8:24 Well, now, I think a lot of women can be a l- like, uh, they can manipulate men too.

Joe Rogan 8:31 Well, of course they can.

Theo Von 8:32 They've ne-

Joe Rogan 8:32 They've always been able to do that.

Theo Von 8:33 Right, but that never really kinda gets brought into context. Like, a lot of older teacher women, they can manipulate a young fella.

Joe Rogan 8:41 Oh, they're getting busted all the time.

Theo Von 8:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:42 They're always getting busted, but they get this. They get, "Don't do that again. Hey, stop blowing kids."

Theo Von 8:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:49 That's what they get. They get a little slap on the wrist. (laughs)

Theo Von 8:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:51 They don't go to jail. Do they go to jail for blowing kids? No.

Theo Von 8:56 (laughs) You think they don't? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 8:57 No, I think they have, like, a little fucking trial and everything, and they go, "Hey, get outta here."

Theo Von 9:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:02 (laughs)

Theo Von 9:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:02 Just get, just go. (laughs) Crazy dick sucker.

Theo Von 9:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:06 (laughs)

Theo Von 9:06 Yeah, we're gonna get you an Uber. You need to go home.

Joe Rogan 9:08 Unless she's trying to get the, the 17-year-old to impregnate her.

Theo Von 9:12 Hm.

Joe Rogan 9:13 Then you need to go to jail, you freaky bitch.

Theo Von 9:16 Yeah, I think I'm tr-

Joe Rogan 9:17 Ruining some 17-year-old's life.

Theo Von 9:19 With a kid, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:20 But not just a kid, a kid with you, you know? He doesn't know what's going on. He's just trying to bust a nut. And then all of a sudden, he has the responsibility of raising a child, and you're making him get a job, and he's gotta fucking pay bills. And, ugh.

Theo Von 9:30 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 9:31 What, what about his future?

Theo Von 9:32 He's gonna fail science, I know that.

Joe Rogan 9:34 Why?

Theo Von 9:35 Just 'cause he's not gonna be able to do it all. He's not gonna be able to have the job and get to school and do it all.

Joe Rogan 9:40 Hm.

Theo Von 9:40 And take care of the kid. I don't think a ch- you know, I think-

Joe Rogan 9:43 Well, good news is, it takes nine months for the kid to come out. So, you have nine months of prep time.

Theo Von 9:48 T-

Joe Rogan 9:48 Where you get your shit together.

Theo Von 9:50 Do a lot of men, you think, use that time to really grow up when that's, that... Uh, you think God, that's why God made it that long of a time period?

Joe Rogan 9:56 I do not think God had men in mind when he was doing that. No. If there is a God, I think they just wanted to make sure that... A baby's a complicated organ, uh, or complicated, uh, organism, rather. Uh, very complicated, more complicated than any other child of any other animal that's ever been born. Human babies are the weirdest.

Theo Von 10:14 Really?

Joe Rogan 10:14 Yeah, that's why they come out so vulnerable. Every other animal comes out, and they can move around, for the most part. Although, I did see a deer, uh, just a couple of days ago on my street. I was going for a walk, and the mama, mama deer bounced off a little, and I saw this little tiny, little tiny baby deer squatted down and laid down on the grass, 'cause that's what they do when they're really, really young.

Theo Von 10:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 10:35 'Cause they can't run away from anything, so their best strategy is to kind of blend in and hide. That's why they have those white dots all over their body. The white dots, like, say if they're in grass, the white dots obscure their, their shape.

Theo Von 10:48 Hm.

Joe Rogan 10:49 So predators might not see. And I think there's something about their smell. Google that. We have, we finally have internet again. Google, uh, what is the smell of newborn fawns? 'Cause I think there's, like, some strategy that nature has with their smell.

Theo Von 11:07 Hm.

Joe Rogan 11:08 Yeah, the baby deer has no scent.

Theo Von 11:11 (gasps)

Joe Rogan 11:11 So, predators that may depend on their sense of smell have difficulty finding the young deer. The mother, always close at hand, tends to circle back towards where her baby lies to get the attention of the predator. Yeah, that's what they did with us. So the-

Theo Von 11:22 Oh, they're like that deo-... They're like that, um-

Joe Rogan 11:25 Oh, it's false. It says it's false. Oh, this one's... Where the fuck is the first one from? The Henderson State University. What a shit fucking university. No, go to the top.

Theo Von 11:33 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:33 Is that where it's from?

Narrator 11:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:35 That's a f-... What a fucking...

Theo Von 11:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:37 "Hey, I got my fucking degree from Henderson." Dan Henderson, he's his principal. (laughs)

Theo Von 11:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:43 I asked him what baby deer smell like. He goes, "What are you, a fucking douchebag? Smelling deers?" This is false. Oh, fucking pop-up...

Theo Von 11:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:51 ... for a fucking outdoor tactical backpack. "This is false. Their unique scent is how their mothers identify them. In fact, they urinate on their tarsal glands daily, even when just a few days old." Interesting.

Theo Von 12:03 Oh, they're freaks, man.

Joe Rogan 12:04 They're pissing on themselves, going crazy.

Theo Von 12:06 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 12:07 Elk, elk piss on themselves when they're, when they're horny.

Theo Von 12:09 Really?

Joe Rogan 12:10 Well, yeah. Their, their dick gets hard, and their dick flops up and down when they scream. They go... Their dick flops-

Theo Von 12:17 Oh.

Joe Rogan 12:17 ... and they start pissing all over themselves.

Theo Von 12:19 Ah.

Joe Rogan 12:19 They piss all over themselves. Look at this-

Theo Von 12:21 I've never been that-

Joe Rogan 12:22 Look at this guy. Look at this guy.

Theo Von 12:23 I've never been that horny.

Joe Rogan 12:24 This dude's horny as fuck. And he's a young fella. That's not a big elk. Even though they're big, 'cause they're all big, but that is, like, uh...... a, a smaller elk. That's like a 300-inch elk, if I had to guess. Cam Hanes might correct me. Look at his dick, though. He's got a dick I can show you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking scratching on the ground, and he's trying to get his scent everywhere.

Theo Von 12:45 He got that limb on him, huh?

Joe Rogan 12:47 Mm-hmm. Look, he's got... His dick's flopping around.

Theo Von 12:49 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 12:49 See, he's pissing all over himself.

Theo Von 12:51 That thing got... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:51 And then he's laying around, and he's like, "Oh." They wanna fuck so bad.

Theo Von 12:54 That's Joe's juice right there.

Joe Rogan 12:55 You know what's-

Theo Von 12:56 That thing is serving, huh?

Joe Rogan 12:57 You know what's crazy about them? They're only horny like that for, like, a month.

Theo Von 13:01 Yeah. Thank God, dude. They would ruin a schoolyard. (laughs) I mean that thing... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:04 Oh, they do ruin schoolyards.

Theo Von 13:05 If they ran onto a schoolyard... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:06 If they're horny and people get stupid, "Oh, take a selfie. Woo-hoo."

Theo Von 13:11 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:11 They get fucking speared by a 700-pound-

Theo Von 13:15 I would-

Joe Rogan 13:15 ... super athlete. (laughs)

Theo Von 13:16 I would hate having that much wiener, I feel like.

Joe Rogan 13:19 Really?

Theo Von 13:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:20 You don't know until you have it. You just have to find the right gals.

Theo Von 13:23 No, I don't think so. You think so?

Joe Rogan 13:25 I think so. Oh-

Theo Von 13:26 I feel-

Joe Rogan 13:26 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't show me this. Don't show me this.

Narrator 13:30 This... Shit, I think this one was okay. This actually wasn't the one I was looking for. The other one-

Joe Rogan 13:34 Oh, you crazy bitch.

Theo Von 13:35 (clears throat)

Joe Rogan 13:35 Get the fuck away from that thing. Jesus Christ.

Narrator 13:37 It just happened to us. The bison kind of attacked, but it didn't keep attacking.

Joe Rogan 13:41 What is... Why are people so goddamn stupid for the 'Gram?

Theo Von 13:45 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 13:45 You know how many people have died taking selfies? They, they, this... I saw this video the other day on Instagram of this lady who died taking a selfie on the side of a cliff.

Theo Von 13:53 Yeah, that's awesome. And can you imagine, too, the, like... 'Cause you know what's going on. You... There's a moment where you realize, "Oh, I'm taking a selfie, and I'm gonna die."

Joe Rogan 14:02 No, I don't think they realize it until it's too late.

Theo Von 14:05 (sighs) See, sh- sh- she, uh, was posing for a picture here, and the bison sorta just said, "Get the fuck away from me."

Joe Rogan 14:10 Yeah, he just gave her a little of that. Like, "Get the fuck away."

Theo Von 14:12 Oh.

Joe Rogan 14:12 Yai, yai, yai, yai. Look at her. (laughs)

Theo Von 14:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:15 She's so uncoordinated.

Theo Von 14:16 Yeah. She was too.

Joe Rogan 14:16 With her stupid backpack filled with fucking Capri Suns.

Theo Von 14:20 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:20 (laughs) It's falling down. Oop.

Narrator 14:23 (thumping sound)

Joe Rogan 14:23 Doof.

Theo Von 14:23 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:25 Fucking potato chips-

Theo Von 14:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:26 ... in her backpack and shit.

Theo Von 14:28 Oh, dude, I saw a monkey and, uh, and a young Black woman fight over a bag of chips. There's a bunch of those if you look up-

Joe Rogan 14:33 Monkeys will steal your shit.

Theo Von 14:34 Cambodia. Yeah, they don't care.

Joe Rogan 14:36 They will steal your shit. They will run up on your table and steal your food right off your plate. "Fuck you."

Theo Von 14:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 14:40 "Fuck you. Give me that sandwich."

Theo Von 14:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:42 And they just run off with it.

Theo Von 14:44 They don't care, man.

Joe Rogan 14:45 They don't care. Did you hear about the... Was it India where the monkey started, uh, jacking puppies? In India, a dog killed a monkey.

Theo Von 14:54 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 14:54 So these monkeys went on a rampage and started chucking puppies off roofs.

Theo Von 14:58 Oh.

Joe Rogan 14:59 They would carry puppies to the top of roofs and like (screeches) fucking chuck them off the roofs.

Theo Von 15:03 Hmm. Like a Maltese.

Joe Rogan 15:05 Yeah. Monkeys blamed for hundreds of puppy deaths-

Theo Von 15:08 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 15:09 ... captured in India. So they'd bring them up to the top of a fucking m- building and throw them.

Theo Von 15:14 Like a Maltese, though.

Joe Rogan 15:14 Villagers claim animals were carrying out revenge killings after dogs killed an infant monkey.

Theo Von 15:19 (gasps)

Joe Rogan 15:20 Speaking of which, have you seen what's going on with orcas?

Theo Von 15:23 Uh-uh.

Joe Rogan 15:24 So a female orca, the matriarch, the, the head of this f- female orca pack-

Theo Von 15:29 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 15:30 ... the, the head of this orca pack-

Theo Von 15:30 When you say orcas, what are you talking about?

Joe Rogan 15:33 Killer whales.

Theo Von 15:34 Oh, damn. All right.

Joe Rogan 15:34 That's a orca.

Theo Von 15:35 My God.

Joe Rogan 15:36 So, um, they started sinking boats, and they're teaching each other how to sink boats. Apparently, this boat fucked up one of these oarc... 'Cause sometimes what happens is something will go wrong and a propeller will hit. They, th- they've happened all the time with sharks. It's happened with whales. Propellers will fuck up a dolphin or an orca.

Theo Von 15:56 Oh, yeah. My friend Dave got pushed off a boat in his... and he got hit by it. When we went, we went over him. He got pushed off the front-

Joe Rogan 16:03 Oh, geez. You got hit by the propeller?

Theo Von 16:03 ... and it fucking hit him.

Joe Rogan 16:04 Where did it hit him?

Theo Von 16:05 Mm, I'm not sure. He wasn't that great to start off with, but he-

Joe Rogan 16:08 (laughs)

Theo Von 16:08 It didn't help him. But I don't think it harmed him much, you know? (laughs) It was like... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:12 It helps some people. Some people get whacked and it helps them.

Theo Von 16:14 (laughs) It helps them.

Joe Rogan 16:14 You know? The... Kenison and Roseanne are my two favorite examples.

Theo Von 16:18 Oh, that's true.

Joe Rogan 16:18 They both got hit by cars.

Theo Von 16:20 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 16:21 Wildest people I know. Well, I don't know Kenison, but I know Roseanne real well. She got hit by a fucking car when she was 15. Bad. She was in a mental institution for nine months afterwards.

Theo Von 16:31 That's wild.

Joe Rogan 16:32 She couldn't... She was a straight-A student. She couldn't count afterwards. She couldn't do math. Couldn't do anything.

Theo Von 16:37 That's unreal.

Joe Rogan 16:38 She got... The, the lady, um... There was a, um... She was driving towards the sun, and the lady couldn't see. And Roseanne walked right into the street when she was 15 and got fucking clipped by a car from back then. You know, those big old fucking sleds.

Theo Von 16:53 Oh, those things minted.

Joe Rogan 16:54 (clears throat) Caprice or something like that. Some giant fucking-

Theo Von 16:56 It was LTDs or whatever?

Joe Rogan 16:58 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, some big-ass, stupid fucking car just cracked her. So the three, three... So this is a orca attack in Portugal. So they started doing this. Does it say that both sudden... Turned out something hit us. So this is, this is from 2021, but what I'm talking about is very recently.

Narrator 17:16 Yeah. No, I... This, this was in the article that was explaining it.

Joe Rogan 17:19 Oh.

Narrator 17:19 This is just an example of it, like they caught on tape or something.

Joe Rogan 17:21 So it's happening quite a bit off the Iberian Coast.

Narrator 17:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:24 The Iberian orcas have-

Theo Von 17:25 Huh.

Joe Rogan 17:25 ... has taught at least nine other whales to attack and destroy rudders.

Theo Von 17:29 Wow.

Joe Rogan 17:30 Bro.

Theo Von 17:30 So it's like a Middle Eastern thing?

Joe Rogan 17:32 I just think it's a thing with a particular area where the orcas in that particular area have had problems with people.

Theo Von 17:39 I see.

Joe Rogan 17:39 And so they've decided to let them know who the fuck is the boss.

Theo Von 17:42 Take action.

Joe Rogan 17:42 Yeah, they're fucking up people's boats.

Narrator 17:44 It's hard to tell what's happening in the video, but they explained-

Joe Rogan 17:46 Bro. Bro, I'd bring fish. I'd be like... (singing) I'm not that dude. I'm your friend.

Theo Von 17:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 17:49 Here's a mackerel.

Theo Von 17:50 Here's a mackerel. Here's a can of tuna. I would bring them.

Joe Rogan 17:53 Yeah, but they might be a little upset about the can.

Theo Von 17:55 (laughs) I think they...

Joe Rogan 17:55 (laughs)

Theo Von 17:55 I'd put it on a plate. I'd plate it for them.

Joe Rogan 17:57 I don't think they like plates either.

Theo Von 17:59 Oh, that's a good point, huh?

Joe Rogan 18:00 I think an actual full mackerel is the way to go. You know? Tuna is just for us. Like, tuna fish in a can?

Theo Von 18:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:07 Ain't it weird that that one fish we decided to just fucking can up all the time. Like, you can turn it into sandwiches, everything.

Theo Von 18:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:14 Like, tuna salad, tuna this, tuna that. It's all tuna.

Theo Von 18:17 Yeah. Tuna really got the... It's gotten the brunt of it, huh?

Joe Rogan 18:20 Oh my God.

Theo Von 18:21 I bet other fish are like, "Ugh."

Joe Rogan 18:22 Thank God we're not tuna.

Theo Von 18:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:24 Yeah. They, I mean they... They're like the most canned fish ever.

Theo Von 18:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:28 Right? Like what gets canned? They can some salmon, but-

Theo Von 18:31 Yeah, but canned salmon, I think is a little pricier too.

Joe Rogan 18:34 Much more. There's a really good company. I forget what the company is called, but they do wild-caught. They all do line-caught salmon. So you're getting wild salmon, not raised, and they, then they can it.

Theo Von 18:44 Mm.

Joe Rogan 18:45 Feels real good for you.

Theo Von 18:46 My sister used to have a bass that was in their house, and it was like...... it couldn't even turn around in the tank.

Joe Rogan 18:53 Oh, that's fucked up.

Theo Von 18:54 I don't think it minded.

Joe Rogan 18:56 I bet it did.

Theo Von 18:57 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 18:58 Of course it did.

Theo Von 18:59 It lived there for a long time.

Joe Rogan 19:00 That's what they say to guys in solitary, "I don't think he minds." (laughs)

Theo Von 19:02 (laughs) Oh yeah, that's true. Huh?

Joe Rogan 19:04 He's by himself in there. (laughs) Especially if it's a bass, you can't talk to him. You know, he's probably like, "Get me the fuck outta here. I wanna be in a lake."

Theo Von 19:11 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:11 "I wanna be eating frogs, you cunt." (laughs)

Theo Von 19:13 He's just watching Cops outta one eye with his sister.

Joe Rogan 19:16 (laughs) He's watching 90 Day Fiance.

Theo Von 19:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:19 What the fuck is wrong with people? "Keep me in this goddamn bowl. (laughs) I'm a bass."

Theo Von 19:25 Stupid fuck.

Joe Rogan 19:26 Mm, mm, mm. (laughs)

Theo Von 19:27 I used to have piranhas.

Joe Rogan 19:29 Oh. (laughs)

Theo Von 19:29 Yeah, of course you did, man. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:30 (laughs) Who- who doesn't think you did? (laughs)

Theo Von 19:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:35 I had this, uh, one house that I lived in when I was living by myself. I, uh, there was, like, uh, an indoor courtyard to this house. And, uh, I literally actually consulted construction people. I was gonna create, like, a miniature Jurassic Park in this courtyard. I was gonna seal it off and put crocodile monitors in and have, like, a little hatch where I could release a rabbit.

Theo Von 19:59 (Gasps) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:59 And watch him kill it?

Theo Von 19:59 And watch him kill it. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:01 Yeah.

Theo Von 20:01 But then I had, like, a come to Jesus moment, like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Joe Rogan 20:04 Yeah.

Theo Von 20:05 Why you wanna do that?

Joe Rogan 20:06 Oh, I think it would be... I would like to have a small something like that, maybe in the home, you know?

Theo Von 20:12 I did like having the piranhas.

Joe Rogan 20:14 And was that where you, uh... An- and were you... Was that, like, a goal of yours, do you think? Or were you just like, "Okay, this is my first place. I wanna design it how I want." Or were you just-

Theo Von 20:25 It was, I-

Joe Rogan 20:25 'Cause that's a big thing to think about. It was I first, first getting money.

Theo Von 20:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:30 First thing I got when money... I got a nice car. Like, "Ooh, got a nice car now." And then I was like-

Theo Von 20:34 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 20:34 ... what other shit could I have? Like, I didn't have any responsibilities back then. I was 27, free.

Theo Von 20:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:40 Free as a bird. And, um, I just was buying stupid shit, you know. I had three pit bulls. (laughs)

Theo Von 20:47 Dang, bro. That's sick, man.

Joe Rogan 20:49 They were great dogs, though.

Theo Von 20:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:51 They're the best dogs, man. They're, they... Well, I won't say that. My dog is the best dog. The Golden Retriever, they're the best pet ever. They're just so full of love and they're just so... But there's something about pit bulls, man. They're just so loyal. They love you so much.

Theo Von 21:07 Really? You think more than a different type of dog?

Joe Rogan 21:10 I don't know, man. I don't know.

Theo Von 21:13 I wonder if we could tell... I wish we could tell how much dogs love us or, or not, you know?

Joe Rogan 21:17 My dog is, like, so domesticated.

Theo Von 21:20 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:20 He's so sweet. And he's not, like, remotely threatening to anybody. Anybody comes over the house, "You're my best friend." Like, if you come over my house tonight, he'd be like, "Theo!" He'd be, like, so happy. He'd be whining and running around you in circles. And s- he just loves everybody.

Theo Von 21:36 Wow.

Joe Rogan 21:37 But pit bulls are like... They're just, they just have so much more tenacity. They're so angry.

Theo Von 21:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:45 They're just so full of fucking just... And they just wanna play and just wanna kiss you. And they just like... They're so full of life.

Theo Von 21:51 Yeah, they'll fucking hug you till you're dead too.

Joe Rogan 21:53 Oh, they wanna... They... When, when I would come home from work, my dogs would literally, like, just jump on me. Just jump on me. I would lay on the ground, they would just swarm me and kiss me.

Theo Von 22:03 Yeah, they almost have ground game a little bit, huh?

Joe Rogan 22:05 They got a little ground game. I used to teach him.

Theo Von 22:07 Yeah?

Joe Rogan 22:07 I'd get side control on them. I'd teach him how to hip escape.

Theo Von 22:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:09 I'm like, "Bro, you gotta put your paw here." (laughs)

Theo Von 22:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:12 "You gotta create space." (laughs)

Theo Von 22:15 I'd get him in a rear naked choke.

Joe Rogan 22:16 Oh, shrimp. Shrimp. Shrimp. I'd bring his back. (laughs) He get... He loved it.

Theo Von 22:20 Dude, my friend, uh... When I was working, when I was in the, um... I w- I was in the busboy industry a long time ago, you know. And, um, the first gay I ever met, the first gay dude I ever met, this dude Billy Conforto, right?

Joe Rogan 22:33 How old were you?

Theo Von 22:34 I was probably 14, right?

Joe Rogan 22:36 That was the first gay you ever met?

Theo Von 22:38 Yeah. That I ever met straight on. There was-

Joe Rogan 22:40 Was he 14 too?

Theo Von 22:41 No, no, he was probably 30. So... And he, uh, was, like, the toughest gay dude, so he could, like, fight and he was g- gay. Nobody had ever seen it, you know.

Joe Rogan 22:52 That's sc- that's scary for a homophobe. (laughs)

Theo Von 22:54 Oh, totally.

Joe Rogan 22:54 Some dude who'll fuck you up and suck your dick. (laughs)

Theo Von 22:56 Oh, that's the biggest fear. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:58 Or make you suck his. (laughs)

Theo Von 22:59 That's the crazy part.

Joe Rogan 23:00 With no teeth. (laughs)

Theo Von 23:02 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:02 He punches all your teeth out. (laughs)

Theo Von 23:04 Oh, that's gotta be crazy. So that changed the game for a lot of homophobes 'cause they're like, "Who's this queer?" You know?

Joe Rogan 23:10 Oh, dude.

Theo Von 23:11 And then you're like, "Oh, if that dude knocks me out and then makes love to me, it's gonna be a 0 for 2 tonight." You know?

Joe Rogan 23:16 Yeah, it's a... That's a more than two points.

Theo Von 23:19 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:19 It's like a 10:8 round. (laughs)

Theo Von 23:23 But Billy had pit bulls, and he sold weed and everything, and we'd get so high. And then I would get so scared of the dogs, man, that I had to go outside a lot of times.

Joe Rogan 23:31 Oh, yeah.

Theo Von 23:32 Because I couldn't... He was, like, more, um... He'd be a lot more comfortable around them and stuff, but I would get high and, and then I would just get scared around the dogs 'cause-

Joe Rogan 23:40 Well, 'cause the dog can kill you.

Theo Von 23:42 Right.

Joe Rogan 23:42 That's what's crazy.

Theo Von 23:43 That was it.

Joe Rogan 23:43 It's like they're, they're real sweet and everything, and if you get a good one, you train him right and raise him right, they're so loyal and they're so affectionate. But the power that they have is so wild.

Theo Von 23:55 Yeah, I mean, Billy would put on, like, an Adidas track suit and make him, like, attack things in his yard and shit, so he was like-

Joe Rogan 24:00 Oh, so he was training him to be like that.

Theo Von 24:02 He was.

Joe Rogan 24:02 Yeah.

Theo Von 24:02 But he also loved them, but he, like, also was, like, from a tough area, so, you know, th- there was a value in having the dogs be tough, like-

Joe Rogan 24:09 Yeah, there's a lot of people that have that, right? They have dogs that are just protection.

Theo Von 24:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:13 Like, around their house all the time. If you live in a rough area, there's no better thing than dogs. They let you know when people are there. Everyone's scared of them. It's not... You know, they'd rather break into a house that doesn't have dogs.

Theo Von 24:24 Oh, a lot of people, if they didn't have a dad, they would have a dog, you know?

Joe Rogan 24:28 (laughs) I guess. Yeah. Yeah, if you're young. Yeah, I have a few dogs.

Theo Von 24:32 The wife would get a dog a lot of times if they didn't-

Joe Rogan 24:34 Mm-hmm.

Theo Von 24:34 ... if they didn't have a husband, I remember.

Joe Rogan 24:36 Yup.

Theo Von 24:36 But there was a lot of dangerous dogs in my neighborhood growing up.

Joe Rogan 24:38 The problem is when they get loose.

Theo Von 24:41 Oh, yeah. When they-

Joe Rogan 24:41 When you have dangerous dogs and you don't do a good job of containing them...... I was always worried about my dog getting out (clears throat) . My dog, Frank Sinatra, he was, uh, he was a pit bull that was, uh, bred for hog hunting in, in Hawaii. They're, they breed, they breed them different. And they breed them... They actually have longer ears. It's really interesting. They're almost like Labrador ears, because the whole idea is that they're picking up scent. You know, dogs pick up scent with their ears. That's why bloodhounds have those crazy long ears.

Theo Von 25:10 Really?

Joe Rogan 25:11 Uh-huh. As they're running-

Theo Von 25:12 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 25:12 ... it's like, you know how you fart and you, like, waft up the smell, like, "Woo, what is that?"

Theo Von 25:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 25:16 "Jesus Christ." Well, d- dogs are doing that with their ears as they're running. They're wafting up these scents (sniffs) so they can pick up little minuscule particles of scents as they're wafting up.

Theo Von 25:27 Wow.

Joe Rogan 25:27 And my pit bull had longer ears. He had ears almost like a Labrador, but he was a pure pit bull, big, big fucking head, just jacked body. And he would o- like, dogs would come, like dogs that were loose, would come to the fence and, and fuck with him and he would go crazy. He just couldn't, couldn't get to them and they would be fucking with him, and one dog pissed on his fence, like just lifted his leg up. A Labrador came by, pissed on his fence, and so he started slamming his head into the metal bars.

Theo Von 25:58 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 25:58 Like, s- his wrought iron metal bars, and he slams his head into the bar, and he's, like, mostly head, right?

Theo Von 26:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:04 And pit bulls are, like, 50% head, and he's just, like, fucking (growling)

Theo Von 26:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:12 And he gets his fucking head through, and I hear all this noise and, uh, I'm alone in the house, and then I hear, I hear this noise. And I look out the window and I see Frank with his head, like, wedged between the bars, and I see this dog right outside the gate-

Theo Von 26:26 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 26:26 ... that was pissing. And I was like, "Oh my God, he's gonna get out." And so I run up to the, up to the fence and I get to him right when his ass pops through the, the... He bent the bars-

Theo Von 26:37 Mm.

Joe Rogan 26:38 ... and he got out.

Theo Von 26:39 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 26:39 And so it's me running down the street in my socks chasing this dog, and-

Theo Von 26:44 Fucking Andy Dufresne, baby.

Joe Rogan 26:46 He plowed this dog right into a pile of trash cans-

Theo Von 26:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:49 ... right in my neighbor's trash cans, and I got ahold of his collar right before it got ugly. I'm like, "Motherfucker."

Theo Von 26:55 God.

Joe Rogan 26:55 So then I had to have another bar welded all around the perimeter of my fence to keep him from separating the bars.

Theo Von 27:02 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 27:03 So this Israeli dude came over here and he was the welder guy and, uh, the fence guy, you know? And, uh, he's like, "What happened to your fence?" And I said, "The dog did it." He goes, "This fucking fence?"

Theo Von 27:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:16 "This dog bent this fucking fence with his head?" I go, "Yeah, the dog peed out there." He goes, "Bro." I go, "Yeah, that's a crazy dog." (laughs)

Theo Von 27:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:24 That's... It's a different kind of dog.

Theo Von 27:26 Oh, that's Mike Perry, dude. That's a... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:29 Different kind of dog.

Theo Von 27:30 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:30 Different kind of dog. They don't, they don't f- care about pain. Pain doesn't mean-

Theo Von 27:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:33 ... a fucking thing to them. They just wanna get you.

Theo Von 27:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:37 They just wanna get out. Like, this dog was like... I don't think the dog was e- I think the dog was, like, being friendly. Like, he's like, "Oh, oh, smell my pee." You know, he's a Labrador.

Theo Von 27:45 Right, he's just, like, goofing around?

Joe Rogan 27:46 He didn't know any better. Like, "I'll piss over here." He thought he was fine.

Theo Von 27:48 Yeah, like he's in a frat. He's like, "Ooh, I'm gonna see a gap."

Joe Rogan 27:50 Probably didn't even know what a pit bull was.

Theo Von 27:51 Yeah, most... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:52 He's like, "This, this dog's a lot l- louder than me."

Theo Von 27:55 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:55 (laughs) "What's going on over here?"

Theo Von 27:57 Oh, God. That dog's wearing a n- that dog has a chain.

Joe Rogan 28:01 I had this one neighbor that had a dog that he never trained. I mean, at all.

Theo Von 28:05 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:05 It was basically a wild dog that he fed. It was a boxer. And this dog wouldn't listen to anybody. When they'd leave him in the house, like, if they left the screen, so, like, they left the door open, the screen, the dog would just fly through the screen, just burst through the screen and go out, and then he'd come home when he was ready. And then-

Theo Von 28:21 He couldn't... Oh, he just had his own, like, plan or whatever?

Joe Rogan 28:24 They were just idiots. They were, they were really frustrating. Oh, look at this dog.

Theo Von 28:28 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:28 Is that a pit bull too?

Theo Von 28:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:30 Yeah. Look at him. (laughs) That's what he did. That's what my dog did.

Theo Von 28:32 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:33 He'd bend the bars, man. Yeah, they're a diff- they're a different kind of animal.

Theo Von 28:38 God.

Joe Rogan 28:39 You gotta, you gotta really make sure that your perimeter is secure with a dog like that.

Theo Von 28:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:45 But this, this dog was not a dangerous dog. It's just a little, a little boxer.

Theo Von 28:48 I think I'd have just got so ner- I think just, like, I would be so nervous around them, you know?

Joe Rogan 28:54 Yeah.

Theo Von 28:54 And, um-

Joe Rogan 28:56 Well, you should be if they're not trained well.

Theo Von 28:57 And we didn't grow up around any dogs.

Joe Rogan 28:59 Oh.

Theo Von 29:00 You know, except for, like, dogs that were in our neighborhood. We didn't, like, just... And they were more violent animals. We didn't have any, like, dogs in our home-

Joe Rogan 29:06 Mm-hmm.

Theo Von 29:07 ... or any experience around dogs, you know? I remember first time I ever even met a, uh, indoor dog, it was... I didn't know a dog could even be indoors, right? And I was at my buddy Scott's house and they had a l- a golden retriever.

Joe Rogan 29:22 Hmm.

Theo Von 29:22 And this bitch came around the corner, dude, and I was like, "Who in the fuck is that?" I mean, it was, like, the most beautiful thing. I mean, it was just, like-

Joe Rogan 29:29 Fluffy and gorgeous. (laughs)

Theo Von 29:32 Oh, beautiful. (laughs) Fucking long blond hair.

Joe Rogan 29:34 And gorgeous dog.

Theo Von 29:34 It was like Suzanne Somers who'd just come in-

Joe Rogan 29:37 (laughs)

Theo Von 29:37 And I was like, "Damn, that thing is fucking fine," you know?

Joe Rogan 29:40 Suzanne Somers.

Theo Von 29:41 I'd just never seen a dog look like they had, like, gotten a good night's sleep, you know?

Joe Rogan 29:45 Remember Suzanne Somers with the ThighMaster?

Theo Von 29:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:48 All she had was a, this spring to just tighten up your pussy muscle.

Theo Von 29:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:52 'Cause that's what you're doing. Like, there's a lot of... Like, it's not squatting for your butt. It's not lunges. You're just tightening up them pussy muscles, dude.

Theo Von 30:00 Oh, dude.

Joe Rogan 30:00 You gonna squeeze that dick, squeeze that dick, squeeze that dick.

Theo Von 30:03 That thing's gonna gleak by the time you get done with it, dude.

Joe Rogan 30:06 S- see if you can find the, the ad for the ThighMaster. A lot of ladies bought that too 'cause they wanted to look like Suzanne Somers. Look, it's just a spring. She's still looking good and she's, like, a thousand years old.

Theo Von 30:18 Oh yeah, she's still looks really good in my head.

Joe Rogan 30:21 One of the biggest blunders in all of television, though, her and Three's Company.

Theo Von 30:25 Three's Company too. That was a great show. What happened to it?

Joe Rogan 30:27 Well, uh, she... Crazy negotiations. She wanted more money. She was demanding more money because she had become a giant star, and so they basically relegated her to... She wasn't even on the show anymore. Like, o- there was one episode where she made a phone call and she called them, like she was on vacation, and that was her in the episode. Her in some totally different location, calling them on the phone.

Theo Von 30:50 Wow.

Joe Rogan 30:51 And then they eventually replaced her.

Theo Von 30:53 Yeah, I remember they got a new woman.

Joe Rogan 30:54 I think it was, like, you know, she got an aggressive agent. It might have been a husband. One of those deals.

Theo Von 30:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:00 And he was like, "I got this. I'm gonna fucking... You deserve more money."

Theo Von 31:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:04 It's just like what happened with, um, Call Her Daddy. That's a similar situation. You know the Call Her Daddy podcast?

Theo Von 31:10 Oh, yeah, yeah. Alex... Um, what's her name? Coli- no, uh...

Narrator 31:15 Cooper.

Theo Von 31:15 Alex Cooper, yeah. Her name was a staple in the name.

Joe Rogan 31:16 Well, she had a co-host.

Theo Von 31:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 31:19 And the co-host had a boyfriend who was an agent.

Theo Von 31:21 Something Franklin. Sofia Franklin?

Joe Rogan 31:24 Is that it?

Narrator 31:24 You got it.

Joe Rogan 31:25 And then Portnoy told us the whole story.

Theo Von 31:27 Oh, he did?

Joe Rogan 31:27 Yeah. It was like, the dude thought that, like, "She's gonna be this... She's a fucking star. You need to pay her more." And like, you know, they had a deal. A deal's a deal. She wanted more, and then-

Narrator 31:38 Uh...

Joe Rogan 31:38 ... there was negotiations and...

Theo Von 31:40 Yeah.

Narrator 31:40 Her husband called his parents.

Joe Rogan 31:41 Yeah. So her husband, former television producer, Alan Hamel, went to negotiate for her asking for $150,000 a week, which was-

Theo Von 31:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:48 ... the average that men were earning on television at the time. Okay. It's not television. (laughs)

Theo Von 31:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:53 That's like saying, "Well, brain surgeons make this."

Theo Von 31:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 31:56 "I'm a plumber, so I deserve it." (laughs) And on par with what her co-star Ritter was making, John Ritter. She said she didn't know at the time that Ritter was making more since the three of them had a favored nations clause.

Theo Von 32:09 Mm.

Joe Rogan 32:10 What does fav- does that mean again? Favored nations?

Theo Von 32:12 Favored nations, I think, is like chair... What is it? It's in...

Joe Rogan 32:15 I thought that means you all make the same amount.

Narrator 32:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:17 Is that what it means?

Narrator 32:18 I think.

Theo Von 32:18 Mm, no. I think it's a, it's a-

Narrator 32:22 Not friends?

Theo Von 32:22 ... Inuit thing, isn't it?

Joe Rogan 32:24 No, no, no, no.

Theo Von 32:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:26 (laughs) That's First Nation. Uh, MFN-

Theo Von 32:28 First Nation.

Joe Rogan 32:28 ... provision is a term included in a contract for products or services that prevents the seller from selling its products or services to the buyer's competitors for a lower price or on better terms.

Theo Von 32:40 No.

Narrator 32:41 That's 100% it.

Theo Von 32:41 Oh, I thought this bitch was a Choctaw, dude. I didn't know what they were talking about.

Joe Rogan 32:45 Favored nations contract. Um...

Narrator 32:51 Uh, what's she getting?

Joe Rogan 32:51 I want what she's getting. Favored nations.

Theo Von 32:55 You know, agents will ruin a lot of stuff, and they-

Joe Rogan 32:57 Oh, God yeah.

Theo Von 32:58 It's unfortunate, huh?

Joe Rogan 32:59 Yeah. Omnipresent in entertainment contracts. Certainly gives its fair sh- post exposed... Da, da, da, da, da. Favored nations clause are relatively simple to describe. They're a contractual commitment that no other relevant party will receive better or more va- advantageous terms from the party making the commitment.

Theo Von 33:15 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 33:15 That makes sense. So like, so if you and I were doing a show, we would have a favored nations deal where we both make exactly the same amount of money, which is fair. So, apparently, like they, she probably didn't know that he was getting paid, 'cause John Ritter was a giant star at the time.

Theo Von 33:28 Yeah, and that is, um... Oh yeah, John Ritter.

Joe Rogan 33:30 Yeah, John Ritter.

Theo Von 33:31 He was incredible.

Joe Rogan 33:33 He did a f- an episode of U- of, uh, News Radio. Did he really?

Theo Von 33:36 Yeah, yeah. He was cool, man. So that was them back in the day, man. It was a great fucking show.

Joe Rogan 33:40 He was so talented.

Theo Von 33:41 And the fucking... Some guy ruined it. Didn't he do Noises Off, that movie, too?

Narrator 33:46 What's that?

Joe Rogan 33:47 What was that? Noises Off? I don't know what that... Is that a deaf movie?

Theo Von 33:51 I don't know. Dude, I'll tell you this. One time I was walking down the street in New York, and they had a deaf group or whatever, like a gag or whatever, I don't know what it's called, but they got together and they were outside of a bar talking. And I'm walking up and I'm like, I thought maybe like the world had like shut off or something and I couldn't hear, because I'm seeing all these people interacting but nobody was... There was no sound.

Joe Rogan 34:11 Oh.

Theo Von 34:12 And I get close and, uh...

Joe Rogan 34:15 Here it is, Noises Off.

Theo Von 34:16 I've never seen this. I don't even know what-

Joe Rogan 34:17 What is Noises Off?

Theo Von 34:18 Oh, I do recognize that scene with Christopher Reeves.

Joe Rogan 34:21 Oh, I thought John Ritter was in this.

Theo Von 34:22 Yeah, he is, he is, he is.

Joe Rogan 34:23 He is. Um-

Theo Von 34:24 They were doing a theatrical play, but it's a movie.

Joe Rogan 34:27 (clicks tongue) Yeah, it's a movie.

Theo Von 34:28 Oh. It's a movie that's a theatrical- It's like one shot. It never ends or something.

Joe Rogan 34:32 Oh, interesting. Okay.

Theo Von 34:34 But, um...

Joe Rogan 34:36 Hmm.

Narrator 34:36 All right. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:37 Is it good?

Theo Von 34:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:39 Something to check out?

Theo Von 34:39 It's an old movie, yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:40 He was a real sweet guy. He was real f- Everybody loved him. He was on the set of News Radio for a week, and just a super nice guy. Like, 'cause sometimes you meet people and you hope they're gonna be nice, because they're nice on TV, you know? But they're not.

Theo Von 34:55 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:55 And it's really frustrating. It's weird. Like, they're creepy to you. Or they're shitty to you because you're an actor and you're like, "Oh, wow, you're kind of a cunt." You're a fake. You're faking it for television, but in real life you're like this weird, snipey, sort of shitty, fucking insulting person.

Theo Von 35:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:11 And like, I met a few of those too.

Theo Von 35:12 Yeah?

Joe Rogan 35:13 (sighs) Yeah. It's very frustrating, 'cause you're like, "God, I thought you were nice. I th- I saw you on TV, you were nice." Just trying to say hi, and you're a fucking cunt to me.

Theo Von 35:21 Yeah. Yeah, we were supposed to... Michael Landon was supposed to come to our town. Um...

Joe Rogan 35:26 Aquaman. No, it wasn't Aquaman. The Man from Atlantis.

Theo Von 35:29 Was he?

Joe Rogan 35:29 Yeah.

Theo Von 35:30 I didn't see that.

Joe Rogan 35:31 Maybe... Was he on Little House in the Prairie?

Theo Von 35:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:33 I think he was on The Man from Atlantis too, wasn't he?

Theo Von 35:35 Good boy. I remember little-

Joe Rogan 35:37 Everybody w- would swim like The Man from Atlantis when I was a kid.

Theo Von 35:39 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 35:40 Swim like this. 'Cause he swam like almost like a dolphin. He didn't swim like a person.

Theo Von 35:46 Well, dude, you have to think. The first people-

Joe Rogan 35:47 It wasn't him?

Narrator 35:48 No.

Joe Rogan 35:48 No? Who was it? Who was The Man from Atlantis? Who was the, the main actor?

Narrator 35:54 He looks more like Patrick Duffy.

Joe Rogan 35:55 Patrick Duffy, that's right. I confuse those two.

Theo Von 35:57 Well, Joe, you have to think. Probably the first people-

Narrator 35:59 That guy.

Theo Von 35:59 Oh wow, that dude, huh? Look at that pervert.

Joe Rogan 36:00 You never saw this? The Man from Atlantis?

Theo Von 36:02 Nuh-uh.

Joe Rogan 36:03 Yeah, that guy's got a hard drive.

Theo Von 36:04 Who's that? Fuck him.

Joe Rogan 36:04 That needs to be investigated. (laughs)

Theo Von 36:06 (laughs) That dude, yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:08 Yeah, that was-

Theo Von 36:09 He's a...

Joe Rogan 36:09 That was The Man from Atlantis. So he could-

Theo Von 36:11 Oh, really?

Joe Rogan 36:11 Yeah. It was like a big show, bro.

Theo Von 36:13 Bro, this is like-

Joe Rogan 36:13 1977 to 1978. Jesus Christ, it only went one year? (laughs)

Theo Von 36:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:17 It was a big show, all right.

Theo Von 36:19 It was huge.

Joe Rogan 36:19 Yeah, no, I think you just liked the show for some reason. (laughs)

Theo Von 36:23 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:24 Uh, he- he would swim real funny, man. See if you can find Man from Atlantis swimming. Because he, he would swim in this like weird way. And so when I was a kid, me and my friends, when we'd go swimming, we would fucking copy The Man from Atlantis.

Theo Von 36:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:38 He had a very... You could... I still swim like that to this day sometimes.

Theo Von 36:41 (laughs) I know how to swim in a...

Joe Rogan 36:41 When I'm swimming in the pool like that. See how he swims?

Theo Von 36:45 What? Nobody swims like that.

Joe Rogan 36:48 Yeah, he swam like a fish, man. Watch.

Theo Von 36:50 Bro.

Joe Rogan 36:51 But look how fast he swims.

Theo Von 36:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:52 Nobody could fuck with him. He swam like a dolphin, bro.

Theo Von 36:55 That's impossible.

Joe Rogan 36:56 Such a stupid... Look, he jumped up.

Narrator 36:58 Did he grab a fish?

Theo Von 37:00 Oh, this is a horrible show.

Joe Rogan 37:01 Yeah. He could jump up, he jumped up better than the dolphin did. Totally made sense. (laughs)

Theo Von 37:04 (laughs) This is all-

Joe Rogan 37:05 Bro, he's from a... He's touching her tit. What's going on there?

Theo Von 37:07 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:08 Oh, he had webbed fingers. That's right.

Theo Von 37:09 Oh, he did?

Joe Rogan 37:09 Yeah, he had webbed fingers.

Theo Von 37:10 Oh, I'd hate that.

Narrator 37:12 Did he talk?

Joe Rogan 37:12 Be good if you were swimming. Yeah, he talked.

Theo Von 37:14 Yeah, but trying to get a mitten on would just fucking-

Joe Rogan 37:16 That would suck.

Theo Von 37:17 God, would be crazy.

Joe Rogan 37:17 Mitten would be easy. The glove would be the real problem.

Theo Von 37:21 Yeah, you're right.

Joe Rogan 37:22 Yeah. Mitten would be great. Mittens are really the move, man. Unless you... I mean, take your fucking glove off if you need to use your fingers.

Theo Von 37:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:28 Like, how good are your fingers working when you have a glove on? Very bad.

Theo Von 37:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:32 But mittens, your shit stays warm.

Theo Von 37:35 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 37:35 Ooh, all them little fingers nestling up against each other.

Theo Von 37:38 Hey, buddies.

Joe Rogan 37:39 Keeping each other warm.

Theo Von 37:40 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:40 You know?

Theo Von 37:40 I'll even pull the... I'll open the end and be like, "Y'all have fun in there, boys."

Joe Rogan 37:45 (laughs)

Theo Von 37:45 (laughs) 'Cause they're having a blast in there. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:47 They're having a good time over there. It's a little warm party.

Theo Von 37:50 Dude, that's how I... Sometimes I think, like, I would hate to have, like, one of those long wieners. Like, what were we looking at? The-

Joe Rogan 37:55 The elk?

Theo Von 37:55 Yeah. Because you-

Joe Rogan 37:57 You keep going back to that.

Theo Von 37:58 Well, you have to think though.

Narrator 37:59 (laughs)

Theo Von 37:59 Well, I was trying to figure out what our conversation, what we were talking about. Um, but think how much wiener isn't in the recipient.

Joe Rogan 38:09 Right. There's a certain amount of dick that is a problem. Like, if you have a 12-inch dick-

Theo Von 38:14 You're an idiot.

Joe Rogan 38:15 How many (laughs) , how many people, how many people can enjoy that 12-inch dick? Like how many girl... Probably more guys can take it. You probably might have to go gay 'cause guys can take some preposterous dicks.

Theo Von 38:27 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 38:28 Yeah, that's a duck dick. Ducks have the craziest dicks.

Theo Von 38:30 What?

Joe Rogan 38:31 Ducks have dicks that are as long as their body.

Theo Von 38:34 Oh, my God. Why?

Joe Rogan 38:34 It's this corkscrew-y... Well, ducks are rapists, by the way.

Theo Von 38:38 Mm.

Joe Rogan 38:38 D- and the female duck does not want that, so the female duck's vagina is not like a straight shot. It's like a fucking labyrinth.

Theo Von 38:46 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 38:46 You gotta find your way through the passage, and that, and it's got spikes on it. See the little spikes all over that duck dick?

Theo Von 38:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 38:52 Yeah.

Theo Von 38:53 Oh.

Joe Rogan 38:53 Duck, ducks are horrible. They, when they get a female duck-

Theo Von 38:57 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 38:58 ... they rape 'em.

Theo Von 38:59 Oh.

Joe Rogan 38:59 They, they bite 'em, and then they just fucking... And so the female duck can allow the male duck in or not in. She can stop the process-

Theo Von 39:08 Oh.

Joe Rogan 39:08 ... of, of it. That's why they have these corkscrew dicks. Like, nature has invented-

Theo Von 39:12 Oh, to make it through.

Joe Rogan 39:12 Yeah, this fucking-

Theo Von 39:14 Like when you're trying to get your hand into a vending machine.

Joe Rogan 39:16 Yeah. Like, look at the duck vagina and then look at the duck dick. See, the, even the duck vagina's all-

Theo Von 39:20 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 39:21 ... curly and twisty. It's not a straight shot. So for the female to let the male in, she has to want to breed.

Theo Von 39:29 It seems like neither one of 'em wants to have sex with the other one.

Joe Rogan 39:31 They definitely do, but the way they do it is awful. Like, uh, I've seen it at, like, a, like, a pond. And so you, you just go, "Jesus, should I step in here?"

Theo Von 39:40 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:41 Should I s- should I stop there? You see that guy? Guy got arrested because he helped a, a bison, a baby bison, and they had, wound up euthanizing it. Th- the mother wouldn't accept it, I guess.

Theo Von 39:53 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 39:54 There was a baby bison at Yellowstone. It was having a hard time crossing something, and so this guy got out and helped it.

Theo Von 40:00 I didn't see it.

Joe Rogan 40:01 And then they... Yeah, that's it right there. So it's p-

Theo Von 40:02 Oh, look at that pervert, though. Look at him.

Joe Rogan 40:04 Look at it. He's a nice guy. He was just trying to help-

Theo Von 40:05 (laughs) Oh, dude.

Joe Rogan 40:05 ... the baby bison. So because it was touched, I guess the female just didn't want it anymore.

Theo Von 40:13 Aw.

Joe Rogan 40:13 Because it had the scent of the guy, which is fucking weird.

Narrator 40:16 It says the herd rejected it.

Joe Rogan 40:18 The herd rejected it.

Theo Von 40:19 What scent? Like Winston's?

Joe Rogan 40:21 Well, it smelled human's, yeah. He's got fucking cheeseburger smell on his fingers and shit.

Theo Von 40:25 (laughs) Yeah, does it? For sure. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:26 For sure. Look at him.

Theo Von 40:28 Winston's, Camels, No Filters.

Joe Rogan 40:31 Yeah, yeah. (laughs)

Theo Von 40:32 (laughs) It's probably good.

Joe Rogan 40:34 Yeah. What? What did he smell like, fucking Abba albums and- Yeah.

Theo Von 40:37 ... fucking Pall Malls? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:39 Yeah, exactly. Like, what's on his fingers? Fucking-

Theo Von 40:42 But no, I think I would hate that, man. If you had a long wiener, right?

Joe Rogan 40:45 Right.

Theo Von 40:45 Think of how much wiener is-

Joe Rogan 40:47 Not in there.

Theo Von 40:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:48 Yeah.

Theo Von 40:48 And just, like, being in the cold, you know?

Joe Rogan 40:50 Your dick would get cold?

Theo Von 40:52 Well, I just think, like, you ever been in, like, a sleeping bag or whatever and your feet are hanging out the bottom?

Joe Rogan 40:55 Right. Your dick would be out in the cold.

Theo Von 40:58 (laughs) Yeah, it's like-

Joe Rogan 40:58 The base of your dick would be so lonely.

Theo Von 41:00 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 41:01 The base of your dick would get no attention.

Theo Von 41:03 It would be like, Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.

Joe Rogan 41:04 Yeah. Plus it would probably be annoying for a girl. Like, it's just I like dick. What is this stupid fucking giant dick that hurts?

Theo Von 41:10 He had this never-ending dick. It's like watching a long movie, I bet. You know, like, "Ugh."

Joe Rogan 41:14 You ever watch a porno where a girl is, uh, sucking a guy's dick and it's just ridiculous? It's just like sucking this microphone, like (groans) . It's too big.

Theo Von 41:22 Yeah, it's crazy.

Joe Rogan 41:23 That poor guy. The poor girl and poor guy. They most both, both be frustrated.

Theo Von 41:27 Yeah, it's just like watching something, I don't know. A lot of it sometimes, for me, seems like...

Joe Rogan 41:32 Man with world's biggest penis stuns host with explicit pic. Philip and Josie react to the world's biggest penis.

Narrator 41:39 13 and a half inches.

Joe Rogan 41:41 Whoa.

Theo Von 41:43 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 41:43 H- his name is Jonah Fallon, New York actor.

Theo Von 41:47 Wow.

Joe Rogan 41:47 Wow. Let me see this dude.

Theo Von 41:50 I don't want that. I just-

Joe Rogan 41:51 That's the guy?

Theo Von 41:52 Oh, my God. That's him, huh?

Joe Rogan 41:54 That's Jonah?

Narrator 41:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:55 That's... See, that's the kind of dick that you have when you got-

Theo Von 41:57 Ooh, look at that wand on him, homie.

Joe Rogan 41:59 That's a hog. That's just like a hog.

Theo Von 42:01 My God, boy. Dang, dude.

Joe Rogan 42:03 Man, look at this dog.

Theo Von 42:03 Imagine getting directions from that guy. (laughs) He's like, "Hey."

Joe Rogan 42:06 So he's, he's showing it to them. Scroll down.

Theo Von 42:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:08 So there, he shows it to him.

Narrator 42:09 Oh, you feel fire. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:12 That's his hog. Look at her.

Narrator 42:13 So now your daughter will have to compare it to these objects. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:17 He just showed him his cock.

Narrator 42:18 Congratulations. I think he's saying it's about as big as that thing.

Joe Rogan 42:20 Yeah, b- that makes sense, 13 and a half inches.

Theo Von 42:23 But who wants that? I just feel like if you had that much... I would just hate it. And say, if you're walking to the restroom or something, if you have a cat, that cat's gonna attack that bitch every time.

Joe Rogan 42:32 Probably if you're naked.

Theo Von 42:33 Not a-

Joe Rogan 42:33 Meow.

Theo Von 42:34 (laughs) Not a chance.

Joe Rogan 42:36 (laughs) It's g- it's a dangling little cat toy.

Theo Von 42:39 Oh, dude.

Joe Rogan 42:40 (laughs)

Theo Von 42:40 You have to basically hold your dick up like this when you walk over-

Joe Rogan 42:43 Yeah.

Theo Von 42:43 ... to the bathroom.

Joe Rogan 42:44 You can't walk around any... Oh, that's, like, guys with their inflated balls.

Narrator 42:48 132-pound scrotum.

Joe Rogan 42:50 Yeah, that's just a disease though, right?

Narrator 42:51 Yeah, but-

Theo Von 42:52 Oh.

Narrator 42:52 ... same problem that he's explaining.

Joe Rogan 42:53 But it's a w- much worse problem 'cause, like, it's a cancerous-

Theo Von 42:56 What is that?

Joe Rogan 42:57 ... sack.

Theo Von 42:57 It's, like, my 300-pound inmate or whatever?

Joe Rogan 42:59 What makes their, their balls grow that big?... what do they do about those, by the way? When guy...

Narrator 43:05 Where?

Joe Rogan 43:05 'Cause it, more than one dude has had his balls.

Narrator 43:07 Yeah, it's called scrotal lymphedema.

Joe Rogan 43:10 Edema.

Narrator 43:10 I don't think I wanna look up pictures of this.

Theo Von 43:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:12 Yeah, you do.

Narrator 43:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:13 You definitely do. But let's get some smelling salts in the system first.

Theo Von 43:16 Oh, you want to?

Joe Rogan 43:16 Yeah.

Theo Von 43:17 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:17 We're gonna look up giant scrotums getting operated on.

Theo Von 43:19 (laughs) Yeah, dude. Yo.

Joe Rogan 43:20 Let's fire up... Oh, Jesus.

Theo Von 43:21 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:21 Let's fire her up. Let's fire her up. Let's go.

Theo Von 43:23 All right.

Joe Rogan 43:24 Let... You first. (laughs)

Theo Von 43:26 (laughs)

Narrator 43:26 Oh, man. I've been waiting for this.

Joe Rogan 43:28 (inhales deeply) Woo! He requested this, ladies and gentlemen.

Theo Von 43:30 Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus.

Joe Rogan 43:31 Right down Santa Claus Lane. Take a sniff. Ready? Hit it. (sniffing)

Theo Von 43:36 Oh.

Narrator 43:36 Those are dead.

Joe Rogan 43:37 Is it dead?

Narrator 43:38 He got way too deep.

43:39 I think.

Theo Von 43:39 Yeah.

Narrator 43:40 That could be the older one (bag crinkling) , and this could be the newer one. But even still, it's only supposed to last for, like, a week or two-

Theo Von 43:44 Yeah.

Narrator 43:44 ... after you open it.

Joe Rogan 43:45 This is not good. This one don't work. Time to order some. We should always have some on hand. Oh, got 'em, got 'em, got 'em.

Narrator 43:52 (laughs) Thought it was gonna be dead, and it wasn't.

Joe Rogan 43:53 Woo. That must be our most recent one.

Narrator 43:56 Ooh.

Theo Von 43:56 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 43:56 So, let's chuck this one. (bag crinkling)

Narrator 43:57 Okay.

Joe Rogan 43:59 And, uh-

Theo Von 44:00 Oh-ho.

Joe Rogan 44:00 ... let's order some.

Theo Von 44:02 Ho.

Joe Rogan 44:02 We'll order, like, five more.

Narrator 44:03 I mean, I had three, and I think we've used them all. (laughs)

Theo Von 44:05 Yeah, brother.

Narrator 44:05 Use them all. I might...

Joe Rogan 44:06 Here we go.

Narrator 44:07 ... pick up that one. Come on.

Theo Von 44:07 Welcome to the danger zone.

Joe Rogan 44:10 Okay, here we go.

Theo Von 44:11 Boy.

Narrator 44:13 Mm.

Theo Von 44:15 (sniffs) Fuck yeah, boy.

Joe Rogan 44:17 It's not fresh, but it's good enough.

Theo Von 44:19 But it's strong, yeah. Let me get one more.

Joe Rogan 44:24 That's good, that's good.

Theo Von 44:25 This is my high, man.

Joe Rogan 44:26 That works, that works. Woo.

Narrator 44:28 This guy did it to his eyes. He's getting-

Joe Rogan 44:30 Why'd he do it to his eyes?

Narrator 44:31 Uh, maybe he-

Joe Rogan 44:32 He's trying to...

Narrator 44:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:33 Did he get rocked?

Narrator 44:34 No, he's trying to wake up to go play, probably. He might've gotten rocked. I don't know.

Theo Von 44:38 (sniffs)

Joe Rogan 44:38 I'm gonna bring those to the comedy club.

Theo Von 44:40 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:40 I'm gonna take a blast before I go on stage.

Narrator 44:42 Whoa.

Joe Rogan 44:43 (moans)

Theo Von 44:44 Is that Tkaczyk?

Joe Rogan 44:46 (moans) About to take a blast right before I go on stage.

Theo Von 44:49 Dude, um, you know where I got the, uh-

Joe Rogan 44:51 Woo. (sniffs)

Theo Von 44:54 Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 44:54 That'll wake you right the fuck up.

Theo Von 44:57 One thing that, um...

Joe Rogan 45:00 (sniffs)

Theo Von 45:00 Yeah, I think there's something about that, uh, people having an extra wiener that makes me angry.

Joe Rogan 45:04 (laughs)

Theo Von 45:04 You go back to that (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 45:06 Makes you angry? Like the world's not fair.

Theo Von 45:08 Well, it's just-

Joe Rogan 45:08 That's how flat-chested girls feel when, when other girls walk by with giant tits.

Theo Von 45:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:13 That's a big one, right? Because if you're just born with giant tits, you just hit the genetic lottery. And every guy loves big tits. They all love 'em. They have no use for 'em. They just wanna squeeze 'em, just wanna suck on 'em.

Theo Von 45:25 Some of 'em are so big, though.

Joe Rogan 45:27 Yeah, you can get too big, just like a dick.

Theo Von 45:29 And you're just like, "God, get it all-"

Joe Rogan 45:30 Or you could be like that Canadian teacher. Teaches wood shop class-

Theo Von 45:34 Oh, yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:34 ... with giant rubber tits on.

Theo Von 45:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:39 That shit is where woke-

Theo Von 45:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:40 ... where woke hits its final destination.

Theo Von 45:43 Dude, the bad, the crazy part is, that guy looks like Tim Dillon, if you just put a regular picture of him up.

Joe Rogan 45:48 Oh, yeah. Because he's, like, not really trans.

Theo Von 45:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:50 It's a scam. So, let's see what the operation is on this, uh, this guy's saccarooney. What, go... Oh, boy. That's an improvement. Look at the improvement. The improvement is what's on the right.

Theo Von 46:01 Oh, he had nut in his legs.

Narrator 46:03 It's a blockage. It's a blockage of lymph nodes, obviously, but, um...

Joe Rogan 46:05 Oh.

Theo Von 46:05 I guess your nut'll back up into your legs. Damn.

Joe Rogan 46:09 Uh. So, it goes to his legs?

Theo Von 46:11 Oh.

Joe Rogan 46:11 Oh, Jesus Christ. And what do they do to drain it?

Theo Von 46:14 It seems-

Joe Rogan 46:15 Oh, look at that one. It's like necrotic. Look at the far left.

Narrator 46:18 I don't know.

Joe Rogan 46:19 Look at that. Look at his butt. Look at his butt.

Theo Von 46:21 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:21 Click on that.

Narrator 46:22 I don't want to.

Joe Rogan 46:22 It's like his skin is dying. Oh, Jesus.

Theo Von 46:26 That's fucking-

Joe Rogan 46:26 How long do you have to wait before he goes to see a doctor?

Theo Von 46:28 That's-

Joe Rogan 46:28 I mean, for real. That seems like a little bit of putting off.

Theo Von 46:32 Yeah, that guy's, guy's got-

Joe Rogan 46:33 You know?

Theo Von 46:34 ... he's turning into a tortoise, it looks like. That guy's got that hang green on. I met him.

Narrator 46:38 He got, he got better.

Joe Rogan 46:39 Some dudes just... Oh, he did get better. Look at him. Congratulations, sir.

Theo Von 46:43 But imagine just bringing a bag in. And people are like, "What's in the bag?" And you're like, "My nuts."

Narrator 46:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:47 But hold on. It looks like they stuffed his nuts up into his stomach.

Theo Von 46:49 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:50 Look. Like, in the l- left one, he doesn't have a big belly. In the right one... Maybe as soon as he get out, he just started eating like a pig. He's like, "Finally."

Theo Von 46:59 Well, I'm sure once you can go out, you wanna go enjoy yourself. You wanna go to...

Joe Rogan 47:03 I guess. But wouldn't you, like, concentrate on cleaning up your fucking health? Obviously, you got something real wrong. (clicks tongue) So, what does it say here?

Narrator 47:09 This is how it started.

Joe Rogan 47:10 "Over the next nine months, every six days or so, he would experience what he felt like a sensational carpet burn in his groin, then severe cold and shaking, followed by his scrotum growing uncontrollably larger and larger."

Theo Von 47:25 Mm.

Joe Rogan 47:25 "It got so bad one day that I stood in my living room and cried," he said. "There was a fresh breakage of the skin."

Theo Von 47:30 Oh.

Joe Rogan 47:30 "And it stunk to no end." Oh, man. He's getting fucking stretch marks on his ball sack. (sniffs) Ugh.

Theo Von 47:35 You ever had, like, where your toe, like, where your toe connects to your foot, and it kinda... a little crack right there?

Joe Rogan 47:40 Mm-hmm. Yeah. All the time.

Theo Von 47:42 Imagine, like, that happens on your nuts. That would hurt so bad.

Joe Rogan 47:45 Ugh. Yeah. Because when your toe connects with your foot, kickboxing, I would always get those, always.

Theo Von 47:50 That's the worst.

Joe Rogan 47:51 Because you're pushing off with such extreme force with your toes-

Theo Von 47:55 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 47:55 ... and your skin gets dry, and things get cracked. And I was always getting slices down there.

Theo Von 48:01 Yeah. I hated... I hate that.

Joe Rogan 48:02 It sucked, 'cause you were walking around and your feet hurt. Ah.

Theo Von 48:05 Yeah. You kinda have to walk like this. You get used to it, but in the beginning, you kinda have to just-

Joe Rogan 48:08 Yeah.

Theo Von 48:08 ... walk like this.

Joe Rogan 48:10 Yeah.

Theo Von 48:11 Um, (clicks tongue) what else were we talking about about it?

Joe Rogan 48:14 Dicks.

Theo Von 48:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:15 Big dicks.

Theo Von 48:16 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 48:16 Big old dicks.

Theo Von 48:17 Yeah, if I's... 'Cause also-

Narrator 48:18 (laughs)

Theo Von 48:18 ... people are starving in another country, and you got this big old dick all, all on you.

Joe Rogan 48:23 Right, and you're fat.

Theo Von 48:24 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:25 Like that guy, that actor? He's eating well-

Theo Von 48:27 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:27 ... with his giant hog.

Theo Von 48:28 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 48:29 Do you think, like, 13 and a half inches, I would imagine girls, like, don't swipe right on you? Is swipe right good, or s- which... What is it when you choose yes? Swiping right?

Theo Von 48:37 I'm not on the apps. I-

Joe Rogan 48:38 Swipe, swipe right.

Theo Von 48:38 It's right?

Joe Rogan 48:39 Yeah.

Theo Von 48:39 Right.

Joe Rogan 48:39 So, I bet if you say, "By the way, I have a 13 and a half inch dick," girls be like, "I don't want that."

Theo Von 48:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:44 Who wants that?

Theo Von 48:45 I think a lot of women would wanna see it, so much... almost like, "Come back to my place. Come, come back to my, uh, new house. Come see this-"

Joe Rogan 48:55 Giant dick.

Theo Von 48:56 Or, yeah. Or, like this-

Joe Rogan 48:56 Yeah.

Theo Von 48:57 ... like, like this c- like, the animals that you make.

Joe Rogan 48:58 "Come see my Ferrari." Right.

Theo Von 49:00 Like, what was that den-

Joe Rogan 49:01 Yeah.

Theo Von 49:01 ... you were gonna make with the animals?

Joe Rogan 49:02 Yeah, like a terrarium.

Theo Von 49:03 (laughs) Yeah. Come see my terrarium. And then you just, you go on the other side of the terrai... (laughs) like, put your dick in, like, a little hole.

Joe Rogan 49:09 (laughs)

Theo Von 49:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:13 That's-

Theo Von 49:13 And then let a, you let a gerbil loose in there, so. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:16 Jesus Christ. (laughs)

Theo Von 49:18 Nothing happens, but she keeps thinking the wiener's gonna get the, uh, little, uh-

Joe Rogan 49:21 Gonna get bitten?

Theo Von 49:22 Get that gerbil, baby.

Joe Rogan 49:23 He's on the wrong website making money. I just looked at him. He's got a Cameo, but he should definitely be on OnlyFans, right? Maybe he doesn't want people to see his dick.

Theo Von 49:29 Why?

Joe Rogan 49:29 He's a, he's still an actor. Okay. You know, maybe he's like still trying to make it out in that world.

Theo Von 49:33 He's not making any...

Joe Rogan 49:34 That's the hardest world to make it in, man.

Theo Von 49:36 In acting?

Joe Rogan 49:36 Oh. 'Cause y- they don't have to pick you. You could be amazing, and some shitty casting agent, some shitty director, they might not like you. They might, you might remind them of an ex-boyfriend. They might think you're too confident, or they might be playing power trip games.

Theo Von 49:52 Yeah. There's too much, and there's an all nepotism too, it seems like-

Joe Rogan 49:56 Oh, yeah.

Theo Von 49:56 ... in that industry.

Joe Rogan 49:57 Oh, yeah.

Theo Von 49:57 It's a lot of like, you see so many people get opportunities where you're like, "Man, did that person really..." Uh, or was there, uh, where opportunities where their family was involved, you know?

Joe Rogan 50:08 It's, it's family involved, but in more cases, it's networking.

Theo Von 50:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:12 It's like they, they go, they net... I dated a girl who was an actress when I first came here, and she always was networking. She's like, "I have to go to this party. I have to meet these people. I have to know these casting people. I have to know these." And I'm like, "Ugh." And she would go around them and be so fake, "Oh, my God, I love your dress," like that kind of shit, and you're like-

Theo Von 50:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:29 ... "Ugh." It's exhausting, 'cause there's one thing if someone's like super complimentary-

Theo Von 50:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:34 ... and they have nothing to gain for it, like, "Dude, I love your shoes. Where'd you get those?" And you know it's pure.

Theo Von 50:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:39 It's nice. It's like, "Oh, thanks, man."

Theo Von 50:41 Yeah, like your hat. I'll like your-

Joe Rogan 50:42 yeah, yeah.

Theo Von 50:43 ... ar- I'll like your arms or whatever.

Joe Rogan 50:44 If someone's complimentary of you. "Look at you, you handsome motherfucker." And-

Theo Von 50:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:47 It's nice. It's, it's, it's-

Theo Von 50:48 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:48 ... complimentary for no reason. But there's something gross about when you know someone that, I know this girl. This is not how she is.

Theo Von 50:58 Right.

Joe Rogan 50:58 And she's kissing everybody's ass just to just appear nicer, like, "Maybe they'll think about her when a, when a role comes up, maybe they..." And so, that forms their opinions on things too, because that forms their political opinions, because they find out what the political opinions of the casting people and the executives, which is always left-leaning.

Theo Von 51:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:17 Unless you're on Yellowstone. You know, you, you better, you know, you, you better be wearing a fucking pride flag or something. Like you have to like be 100% progressive, liberal-leaning, left-leaning.

Theo Von 51:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:28 And so these people alter their, they alter their opinions of the world based on what is gonna get them closer to the, the honeypot.

Theo Von 51:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:38 You know?

Theo Von 51:39 Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think it's amazing that all of Hollywood has the same political beliefs.

Joe Rogan 51:44 All. Except Yellowstone, that Taylor Sheridan guy.

Theo Von 51:48 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:48 Yeah.

Theo Von 51:48 He seems like an interesting guy. Have you-

Joe Rogan 51:49 He-

Theo Von 51:50 ... met him?

Joe Rogan 51:50 No. I need to, uh, I've connected with him on text messages. He's friends with Whitney.

Theo Von 51:54 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 51:54 But I admire that guy, and I ad- his shows are fucking amazing.

Theo Von 51:57 People love him, dude.

Joe Rogan 51:58 Yeah, and his movies too. He made that, what, what was that fucking movie? The bank robbery movie with, uh, was Jeff Bridges in it? (knocking) Goddammit, it was good. I know the movie.

Theo Von 52:10 You know who I wanna meet?

Narrator 52:11 Hell or High Water?

Joe Rogan 52:12 Hell or High Water, that's a...

Narrator 52:13 And Sicario.

Joe Rogan 52:14 Godamn, and he made Sicario?

Narrator 52:16 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 52:17 Oh, shit.

Theo Von 52:17 Really?

Joe Rogan 52:18 Sicario too kinda sucked.

Theo Von 52:20 Was Sicario with, um-

Narrator 52:22 Benicio del Toro.

Joe Rogan 52:23 Benicio.

Theo Von 52:23 Oh, no. I'm thinking of something.

Joe Rogan 52:24 Benicio del Toro, I love that dude.

Theo Von 52:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:28 He seems like a cool motherfucker.

Theo Von 52:29 Well, Spanish people always seem cool, I think, because it's neat to say their name.

Joe Rogan 52:33 Benicio del Toro.

Narrator 52:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:36 Yeah.

Theo Von 52:36 Benicio-

Joe Rogan 52:37 He's just cool.

Theo Von 52:37 ... del Toro.

Joe Rogan 52:38 I remember when he was in, uh-

Theo Von 52:39 Secretariat.

Joe Rogan 52:40 He was in, um, uh, the Johnny Depp movie about Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Theo Von 52:46 Oh, that was the movie back then.

Joe Rogan 52:47 He played the attorney. Oh, that was a great movie.

Theo Von 52:50 We can't stop here.

Joe Rogan 52:50 He played the attorney. (laughs)

Theo Von 52:51 This is bad for me.

Joe Rogan 52:51 Yeah, there he is. (laughs) He got fat for that movie too.

Theo Von 52:54 Wow.

Joe Rogan 52:56 Yeah. That was a fucking great movie. That movie makes me wanna do drugs.

Theo Von 53:00 Oh, God, dude.

Joe Rogan 53:01 Makes you wanna do drugs and go to Vegas.

Theo Von 53:03 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 53:04 Fun fucking times. Ah.

Theo Von 53:07 Benicio del Toro.

Joe Rogan 53:08 Yeah. He was also the werewolf. Do you ever see him in The Wolf Man?

Theo Von 53:11 Look, you can see in, looking in his eyes-

Narrator 53:13 Yeah.

Theo Von 53:13 ... right there and tell who he was.

Joe Rogan 53:14 He was good in The Wolf Man. The Wolf Man was kind of a cornball movie. It was like a combination of CGI and like real, like Rick Baker-style makeup, which is pretty cool, but-

Theo Von 53:25 The Wolf Man?

Joe Rogan 53:26 You never saw it?

Theo Von 53:27 No.

Joe Rogan 53:27 Fi- find the, the scene where, uh, Benicio del Toro transforms into the w- the werewolf, because there's a scene when they're, they've got him bolted down to a chair in an operating room. And these... Give me some volume on this, 'cause these dudes-

Narrator 53:42 So, we will remain in this room together.

Joe Rogan 53:44 They, they think he's insane.

Theo Von 53:46 Mm.

Narrator 53:47 And once Mr. Talbot has witnessed that the full moon holds no sway over him, that he remains a perfectly ordinary human being, he will have taken his first small step down the long road to mental recovery. Now, we are all- ... aware that Mr. Talbot-

Joe Rogan 54:08 Yeah, no, this is good.

Narrator 54:10 ... has suffered quite traumatic personal experiences. He witnessed his mother's self-mutilations.

Joe Rogan 54:18 Hm.

Narrator 54:19 His young mind, unable to accept it, created a fantastical truth that his father is to blame, that his father is literally a monster. But fear not.

Theo Von 54:37 That Nicolas Cage?

Joe Rogan 54:39 No.

Narrator 54:39 Your father is not a werewolf. You were not bitten by a werewolf. You will not become a werewolf, anymore than I will sprout wings and fly out of that window.

Joe Rogan 54:55 (laughs)

Narrator 54:55 (cheering)

Joe Rogan 54:56 That's how they did medicine back then, in a theater. Isn't that weird?

Narrator 55:00 Now, I do think, sir-

Joe Rogan 55:01 It's how they did operations.

Narrator 55:02 ... Mr. Talbot has something to say to us.

Joe Rogan 55:06 No sedatives. He's got something to say to them.

Narrator 55:17 Speak up, Ms. Talbot. Forgive me, but we can't hear you. You moron. Tonight, I will kill all of you. I will kill all of you.

Theo Von 55:30 (laughs) Wow. (laughs)

Narrator 55:34 Yes, well, as you can see, my country is- Please do something about it! ... is, uh, disease of the mind. Existing- Kill me. ... somewhere in the deep recesses- Kill me.

Theo Von 55:48 Uh-oh.

Narrator 55:49 ... of the earth. To him, it seems very real. The subject, of course, has had it-

Theo Von 55:56 Oh, man.

Narrator 56:00 ... both psychologically and physically self-sufficient. He walks unaided through the forest, finds food by the dozens, sees no doctors...

Theo Von 56:14 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 56:15 That's badass. It's a great scene. The movie's eh, but this scene is fucking dope.

Narrator 56:24 ... has long been suspected by Dr. Huerger. The mind arrives-

Joe Rogan 56:30 (grunts) (growls)

Narrator 56:38 ... in the hands of a doctor before it can be tamed. Doctor! Doctor! (growls)

Theo Von 56:40 Wow.

Narrator 56:47 Go! Go! (growls) (swords clanging) Run! Ah! (growls) Go! Go! Go!

Theo Von 57:16 Oh, dang. Oh, look at that pervert, huh?

Narrator 57:22 Open his mouth. It seems to be lock-

Theo Von 57:24 Is that David Spade?

Narrator 57:31 (screams) Ah! Get your hands off of him!

Theo Von 57:49 Ugh.

Narrator 57:50 Let go of him! Open this door! (growls) (door cracks) (screams)

Theo Von 57:52 That's crazy, man.

Joe Rogan 57:53 It's a good scene.

Theo Von 57:54 Yeah, it is really good.

Joe Rogan 57:57 But you see, he was, like, kinda half goofy.

Theo Von 57:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:00 He was like, half a werewolf, half a fucking man. Some CGI, like, this is CGI.

Theo Von 58:09 It was good though, I thought.

Joe Rogan 58:12 It was pretty good.

Theo Von 58:13 It looks really good for ... What t- what time period was this?

Joe Rogan 58:16 This was a few years ago.

Theo Von 58:17 Oh, okay.

Joe Rogan 58:17 This is, like, 2011.

Theo Von 58:19 Oh, that's not that bad.

Joe Rogan 58:19 2010.

Theo Von 58:20 (clears throat) Dude, remember Swamp Thing?

Joe Rogan 58:22 Yeah. I forgot about Swamp Thing. I used to read the comic books.

Theo Von 58:25 Really? I never even knew it was a comic.

Joe Rogan 58:27 DC Comics, Swamp Thing, yeah.

Theo Von 58:28 Dude, in our area people were so excited 'cause it was Louisiana, you know-

Joe Rogan 58:31 Yeah.

Theo Von 58:31 ... people were like, "Fuck yeah, dude. The swamp is back." You know?

Joe Rogan 58:35 (laughs)

Theo Von 58:35 People were like, "We got this. We can do it."

Joe Rogan 58:37 "We could do it. We're heroes now."

Theo Von 58:39 Yeah. You could ... You'd see people's dads telling 'em, "Don't you wanna be like Swamp Thing's son?"

Joe Rogan 58:43 Really?

Theo Von 58:43 Yeah, like, people were just-

Joe Rogan 58:45 That was the big hero of Louisiana?

Theo Von 58:46 People were fired up.

Joe Rogan 58:48 There was a movie Swamp Thing, wasn't there?

Narrator 58:49 I'm Googling now. There's a bunch of recent stuff, but I can't tell-

Joe Rogan 58:52 Really?

Narrator 58:52 ... how much of it's, like, uh ... Yeah, here. I've got it on YouTube. There's, uh ...

Joe Rogan 58:55 That was the old movie.

Theo Von 58:56 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:56 That was the original movie.

Narrator 58:57 It seems ... This says four years ago, DC Universe Original.

Joe Rogan 59:00 Oh, I think that's an animated-

Narrator 59:01 There's a Wes Craven something here.

Theo Von 59:01 That was the one it looks like, I think.

Joe Rogan 59:03 Wes Craven?

Narrator 59:04 But I don't know if that's someone just typed his name and they get attention.

Theo Von 59:07 God w-

Joe Rogan 59:07 I think Wes Craven did direct the Swamp Thing.

Theo Von 59:10 Swamp Thing was good though.

Joe Rogan 59:12 Mm, not long ago in the unexplored regions of an unmapped swamp, the creative genius of one man collided with another's evil dream-

Narrator 59:19 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 59:19 ... and a monster was born. And Louisiana-

Theo Von 59:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:23 ... was back on the map.

Narrator 59:24 Yeah, Wes Craven film.

Joe Rogan 59:25 Swamp Thing.

Theo Von 59:26 << I like to dream. >>

Joe Rogan 59:28 (sings) Dun, dun, dun.

Theo Von 59:29 << Ride with me in a time machine >>

Narrator 59:31 (sings) In time machine.

Theo Von 59:31 (laughs) Yeah. That'd be sick. And Swamp Thing is just riding in a truck.

Joe Rogan 59:34 << Ridin' fast in my ride of crime >>

Narrator 59:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:39 (laughs)

Theo Von 59:39 Did you ever interview Willie Nelson? Do you ever interview him?

Joe Rogan 59:41 No, I would love to interview Willie Nelson.

Theo Von 59:43 Man.

Joe Rogan 59:43 I though... I don't think I interview people. I think I just talk to them.

Theo Von 59:46 That's a good point. Yeah, sorry. Do you ever just talk to Willie Nelson?

Joe Rogan 59:48 No, it's okay. But I mean, people have said that, like about, "I love your interview." And I'm always like, "Ee, I mean, kinda? Sorta?" It's really just a conversation.

Theo Von 59:56 Well, some people, I think, if you're curious on information from them-

Joe Rogan 1:00:00 Yes.

Theo Von 1:00:00 ... then you wanna ask them more things, like about that they know about that you don't know about.

Joe Rogan 1:00:04 Oh yeah, for sure. Like, if I'm talking to Michio Kaku or, you know, a quantum physicist or someone like that, I, I ask questions.

Theo Von 1:00:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:11 I'm es- essentially interviewing them and ... Well, if it's especially it's something that I really have no understanding of.

Theo Von 1:00:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:17 Yeah. But for the most part, I'm just talking to people.

Theo Von 1:00:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:20 Which is like ... It takes a lot of pressure off too, 'cause they're like, "What subject do you wanna cover?" I'm like, "I don't know. Let's just talk."

Theo Von 1:00:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:26 Some people are weirded out by that, you know. Like, you and I, it's like s- we've known each other so long, we don't have to talk about what we're gonna talk about. We just get in here and start rolling.

Theo Von 1:00:34 Yeah, it's a little easier too. I think it gets easier too when you've been in here before.

Joe Rogan 1:00:38 Yeah. It's weird when you see people for the first time and you see them lock up and they're nervous and I'm ... And I'm always just like, "I'm gonna hold your hand and we- we're gonna get through this. I'm gonna get you 20 minutes in and you're gonna not even know you're here."

Theo Von 1:00:51 Have you had people that really locked up?

Joe Rogan 1:00:53 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've had people get real nervous and you see them breathing funny and they, they can't talk that good because they can't get breath, you know? And ... But it's, it's okay. I always just like, "Let's just, let's just calm this thing down."

Theo Von 1:01:05 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:06 "We're gonna be all right."

Theo Von 1:01:07 It's pretty normal, I think, some people trying something new.

Joe Rogan 1:01:10 But it's just weird, the, the numbers. That's what weirds people out, the numbers of humans. That, that freaks people out. Like, you, you can't ... It's hard to just be yourself in front of millions of people.

Theo Von 1:01:22 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:23 ... but you can. And you do it, I do it, we do it.

Theo Von 1:01:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:25 You can just be yourself. You are the same fucking dude if you and I are going, having dinner somewhere or if we're at a comedy club or if we're here.

Theo Von 1:01:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:01:32 The same dude. Some people can't do that. They, they, they have to like put on a, a persona when they're, they're talking. You know, they get weirded out.

Theo Von 1:01:42 Yeah, I think sometimes that's interesting, like, um ...

Joe Rogan 1:01:46 Do you find that when you're doing podcasts?

Theo Von 1:01:48 I find, uh, I think sometimes I'm like which me is kind of showing up more today and tha- that might sound a little fucking-

Joe Rogan 1:01:56 Oh, no, I know what you mean by that.

Theo Von 1:01:58 But like am I like a little agitated today? Am I feeling like goofy? Am I have, you know, kind of what's going on? Like am I a little curious today? Am I a little like, uh, inquisitive? You know, just which, which part of me is-

Joe Rogan 1:02:11 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:02:11 ... kind of at the surface sometimes at the moment, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:02:13 I had a revelation the other night that I forgot about. I was on mushrooms.

Theo Von 1:02:17 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:02:18 And, um, I closed my eyes and I realized that in certain circumstances, when I'm healthy, when I'm, when everything's going great, I have a very specific frequency. It's a different frequency. And this, this weird revelation that I had while I was high told, showed me this. It was like, it was almost like a lesson that I was learning. And it was like here's you now. You're very healthy. You, you just ... I, I had an IV vitamin drip that day. I'd worked out, I did the cold plunge, did the sauna. No conflicts, no, no problem in my personal life, no problem in my business life. Everything was beautiful and I had this like, whoo. And I, and then it showed me there's times where you don't have that, where you're irritable, where you're, you're tired, where you're sick, where you're hurt. There's all these different-

Theo Von 1:03:11 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:03:11 ... frequencies that you have and it made me realize like you think about your health and you think about like how you feel and whether or not you're present. You think of it as just like, it's better to just be this way. But you don't realize that you're achieving a certain frequency. I was achieving a certain frequency at, at that moment and I realized like this is attainable and this is what I should strive for and that I could stay at this frequency. But one of the things it was telling me is to don't drink.

Theo Von 1:03:38 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:03:38 It was like right when I was there, it was like don't drink. 'Cause if you're drinking right now, you're gonna, you're gonna kill this frequency. It's gonna dull it. Like you might have less inhibitions, but it will dull this frequency.

Theo Von 1:03:46 Wow.

Joe Rogan 1:03:47 It was very interesting. It was like one of them weird mushroom moments.

Theo Von 1:03:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:51 Where the mushroom's like, "Hey, I, this is probably something you should think about."

Theo Von 1:03:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:03:54 Because I don't think you think about it this way. You just indulgent, you know, you do this, you do that, you have a slice of pizza-

Theo Von 1:04:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:04:00 ... you eat a meatball sub, you're fine. What, but what's going on with your, your overall energy when you do that? You really want your energy to be at the m- the best possible state, but you don't think about it that way.

Theo Von 1:04:12 Right. But we, yeah, you don't think about it exactly like that way, but we do think about it in ways like, like our attitude. Like we have little words we use to describe-

Joe Rogan 1:04:21 Mm-hmm.

Theo Von 1:04:21 ... like kind of like elements of it I guess?

Joe Rogan 1:04:23 Yeah. Yeah.

Theo Von 1:04:23 But I wonder in the future if there will be a way that we can measure whatever that frequency is. Like-

Joe Rogan 1:04:29 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:04:29 ... sometimes it feels like we're kind of primitive in the understand, in the like the quantifying of, um, like we take our temperature, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:04:37 Mm-hmm.

Theo Von 1:04:37 Like just in things that we-

Joe Rogan 1:04:39 Blood pressure.

Theo Von 1:04:40 Yeah, in, in little things that we use to evaluate us. Sometimes, uh, I feel like we're on a plane that feels really old sometimes.

Joe Rogan 1:04:47 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:04:47 Like there should be like another-

Joe Rogan 1:04:50 Yeah.

Theo Von 1:04:50 ... plane where we start to m- Like is there a number for what my frequency is today? Because you kind of feel that. It's like where you operate at and-

Joe Rogan 1:04:58 Yeah.

Theo Von 1:04:58 ... and there are things you can do to keep like I, I, I keep earplugs in now for like the first hour and a half of my day, right?

Joe Rogan 1:05:05 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:05:05 And it just keeps a lot of excess like noise and the di-

Joe Rogan 1:05:08 For the first hour and a half? Really?

Theo Von 1:05:09 Yep, keeps them out. I'm able to go through the things that I wanna go through at home. It's like-

Joe Rogan 1:05:12 So how do you, what do you do? When you wake up, you just put them in?

Theo Von 1:05:15 I keep them in, I, I, I, I, I sleep with them in.

Joe Rogan 1:05:17 Do you?

Theo Von 1:05:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:05:18 You sleep with earphone, earplugs in?

Theo Von 1:05:20 Yeah, I think I've heard everything that you can hear at night. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:05:25 (laughs)

Theo Von 1:05:25 You know?

Joe Rogan 1:05:26 Yeah.

Theo Von 1:05:26 For a while I was scared I was gonna miss something or if something happened, but I think it's like dude, I'm not, they're not doing anything new at night that I have, wouldn't have a ni- uh, I wouldn't be able to just imagine is going on.

Joe Rogan 1:05:36 Yeah, I don't think there's a new invention of nighttime activities.

Theo Von 1:05:38 Yeah. So I got them in, so I c- and I'll keep them in, man, and I'll go through like my morning routine and it's like-

Joe Rogan 1:05:44 What is your morning routine?

Theo Von 1:05:45 Hmm, I pray right when I wake up. Um ...

Joe Rogan 1:05:48 Do you have a specific prayer?

Theo Von 1:05:50 Yep, just the serenity prayer. You know, grant me the serenity, um, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference. Um, and then sometimes I do like a, one other prayer and then, uh, read like these c- couple of pages of like, um, that give me like an, help me to look at my day from afar. Like what am I gonna do today?

Joe Rogan 1:06:14 Mm-hmm.

Theo Von 1:06:15 So that helps me like have a little bit more of a plan for my day. Even if it's not a strict plan, it's like at least I'm looking at my day instead feeling like my day is just like-

Joe Rogan 1:06:23 Happening to you.

Theo Von 1:06:24 Yes.

Joe Rogan 1:06:24 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:06:25 And so that, those little things like that help me, and then I'll do 10-minute meditation and then I s- I do 10 minutes where I just write, uh, just whatever's going on in my head.

Joe Rogan 1:06:34 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:06:35 And s-

Joe Rogan 1:06:35 You do that every day?

Theo Von 1:06:36 Yep.

Joe Rogan 1:06:37 D- how long you been doing that?

Theo Von 1:06:38 I've been doing that probably pretty solid for I would say, I don't know, maybe three months, but I've done pieces of that for probably five years.

Joe Rogan 1:06:50 What, what started all that out?

Theo Von 1:06:52 Um, going, get, doing sober stuff, like you get into that, some of that world, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:06:57 Mm-hmm.

Theo Von 1:06:57 But it's, but I think also just, um, like seeing how meditation gives me a little bit detached from myself. So then I'm not like just clinging to everything that happens so it doesn't affect me immediately. Something can happen-

Joe Rogan 1:07:11 Right.

Theo Von 1:07:11 ... and there's a little bit of space between me and whatever's happening.

Joe Rogan 1:07:13 Hmm.

Theo Von 1:07:14 And that gives me a chance to look at it or manage a little bit more comfortably.

Joe Rogan 1:07:19 Yeah, that's a problem with getting caught up in the momentum of your day-I do- I do find myself in that spot sometimes. I don't have that specific a routine as you do, but maybe it's a good idea.

Theo Von 1:07:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:28 ... sometimes.

Theo Von 1:07:28 For me, I need it. Some people, they can operate differently, you know? I think for me, it helps to have a little bit of what's going on.

Joe Rogan 1:07:34 I remember, uh, watching this Kobe Bryant interview where he was talking about the first 10 minutes of every day when he wakes up, he meditates, 10 minutes every day.

Theo Von 1:07:41 Mm.

Joe Rogan 1:07:42 So he has like a clear path forward from the day. He gets his day started off with the right mindset. And that dude was all about mindset.

Theo Von 1:07:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:07:52 Mamba mindset, you know? That dude is like the- that was- he was the embodiment of hard work and discipline, you know? And- and accomplishment. And that was his way of starting off every day.

Theo Von 1:08:03 Yeah, that's- I think- yeah, I think also it gives me something. I kind of look forward to it a little bit the more I do it.

Joe Rogan 1:08:09 Mm.

Theo Von 1:08:10 I look forward to that time that I spend. But I'll leave those earplugs in, man, until I have to take them out-

Joe Rogan 1:08:15 Really?

Theo Von 1:08:15 ... until like something comes along.

Joe Rogan 1:08:17 Do you live in a noisy place?

Theo Von 1:08:18 Mm. I live in sometimes a place that has some noise.

Joe Rogan 1:08:23 Is you- you live in an apartment or a house?

Theo Von 1:08:25 Yeah, and I- I have a house in Nashville, but I have an apartment still, my old apartment in Los Angeles.

Joe Rogan 1:08:30 Yeah, in LA?

Theo Von 1:08:30 It's a little noisy.

Joe Rogan 1:08:31 Yeah, I get noisy.

Theo Von 1:08:32 LA's noisy. You can always hear something. You can hear somebody.

Joe Rogan 1:08:35 How long you going- how often do you go back to LA?

Theo Von 1:08:38 Hmm, like four months out of the year.

Joe Rogan 1:08:39 Do you get sad?

Theo Von 1:08:40 Hmm, let me think what I get. There's things that I miss. You know, I miss at the store, I miss seeing like Coco Diaz over there, you know?

Joe Rogan 1:08:49 Yeah, yeah.

Theo Von 1:08:50 Like, uh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:08:50 At the store. That's all I miss.

Theo Von 1:08:51 Yeah, you walk up on him and his eyes light up, you know.

Joe Rogan 1:08:53 Yeah. Hey, cocksucker. (laughs)

Theo Von 1:08:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:08:55 That's what I love about the- the- the club that we have, that sign that says, "Get it together, bitch."

Theo Von 1:09:00 Yeah, that's funny.

Joe Rogan 1:09:01 That's Joey.

Theo Von 1:09:01 Yeah. Oh, that's who says that, huh?

Joe Rogan 1:09:03 Yeah, Joey used to always say that to us. He was so happy when he saw that.

Theo Von 1:09:07 Oh, that's cool, dude. Oh, that's awesome.

Joe Rogan 1:09:10 'Cause that was like his thing.

Theo Von 1:09:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:09:12 You were about to go on stage, he's firing you up like, "Get it together, bitch. Let's go. Rock these motherfuckers."

Theo Von 1:09:20 (laughs) bro, yeah. There's something about, yeah, that like-

Joe Rogan 1:09:23 Bro, he came into town and murdered.

Theo Von 1:09:25 Did he?

Joe Rogan 1:09:26 He murdered. He only wanted to do one set. He was supposed to do two shows. He's so funny, man. He's like a reluctant killer. 'Cause he hasn't been doing that much standup, you know-

Theo Von 1:09:32 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 1:09:32 ... because he's living in New Jersey. And, uh, it was a 7:00 show. Hes goes, "I'll- I'll do the 10:00. I'll do the 10:00." I go, "Get the fuck outta here. You're here, man." I go, "Go up, go up." And he went up and fucking lit those people on fire. The pop that he got was just like the pop that you got, but even- maybe even a little crazier. The pop when Joey got on stage, they were like, "No way."

Theo Von 1:09:54 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:09:55 'Cause he's only been there once, you know.

Theo Von 1:09:56 Oh, it's like seeing Santa.

Joe Rogan 1:09:57 Yeah. That's how they did with Chappelle too when, uh, when I brought Chappelle up at the club the first time.

Theo Von 1:10:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:10:02 They went fucking ape shit. They couldn't believe it. Like how is this real?

Theo Von 1:10:04 Oh, I bet.

Joe Rogan 1:10:05 How is Dave Chappelle here? How is this real?

Theo Von 1:10:07 Ah. Oh, dude, I remember watching Joey Diaz. He's the- I would find myself get- when he would- when his music would come on, dunk-a-dunk, dunk, dunk.

Joe Rogan 1:10:14 Yeah.

Theo Von 1:10:14 Whatever-

Joe Rogan 1:10:15 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Theo Von 1:10:15 You remember that intro music he would use?

Joe Rogan 1:10:16 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Theo Von 1:10:17 Whenever that would come on, I would j- literally, without even doing it, I would be out of my seat.

Joe Rogan 1:10:22 Yeah.

Theo Von 1:10:23 I would be so excited.

Joe Rogan 1:10:24 He's the most watched comic by other comics.

Theo Von 1:10:27 Hmm, interesting.

Joe Rogan 1:10:28 I would imagine.

Theo Von 1:10:29 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:10:29 Don't you think? Like if you knew that Joey was going up in the OR, you'd go and have a seat in