Joe Rogan Experience #2011 - Tony Woods

1. 0:00 – 1:53

   Tony returns to Austin: the Comedy Mothership and a new comedy ‘village’

   1. NANarrator0:00

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. (energetic music) Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

   2. JRJoe Rogan0:12

      Tony Woods, what's happening, baby?

   3. TWTony Woods0:14

      What's happening with you, Joe?

   4. JRJoe Rogan0:15

      Good to see you, my friend.

   5. TWTony Woods0:16

      Man, I'm glad you have me back, dog.

   6. JRJoe Rogan0:18

      I'm glad you came back.

   7. TWTony Woods0:19

      (laughs) You know-

   8. JRJoe Rogan0:20

      It was good seeing you last night.

   9. TWTony Woods0:21

      ... 'cause I was like, uh... 'Cause somebody said, "Hey, Joe got a new club." I was like, "You do?" And just... I, I just sent you a text like, "Hey, man, let me do your club."

   10. JRJoe Rogan0:30

       (laughs)

   11. TWTony Woods0:30

       And you hit me back, "Okay." I'm like, "Well, all right. Well, what's up?" (laughs)

   12. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       Yeah. Oh, I'm excited. This weekend.

   13. TWTony Woods0:35

       Yes.

   14. JRJoe Rogan0:35

       That's gonna be fun.

   15. TWTony Woods0:36

       It is, man.

   16. JRJoe Rogan0:37

       You're gonna love it.

   17. TWTony Woods0:38

       Yeah, well, th- you got... You done put the village right down here in Texas, man.

   18. JRJoe Rogan0:43

       Yeah.

   19. TWTony Woods0:43

       Like, like, back in the day when they had the comedy club here-

   20. JRJoe Rogan0:45

       Mm-hmm.

   21. TWTony Woods0:45

       ... come... We'd go to the Boston Comedy Club, go to Celtic, go to, duh, duh, duh, duh. All of that. That's how it is. It's just bouncing around. So...

   22. JRJoe Rogan0:52

       (sighs) Yeah, we got five clubs on one street.

   23. TWTony Woods0:54

       Bang. But you got the-

   24. JRJoe Rogan0:56

       Yeah, the Mothership.

   25. TWTony Woods0:57

       ... you got the Madison Square Garden.

   26. JRJoe Rogan0:58

       We got the Mothership.

   27. TWTony Woods0:59

       Yeah, you got the Mothership. I said (laughs) ... I said to somebody... I said, "I'm going to Austin to do the Mothership." He says, "Wow, that's gonna be a long flight. You flying through Boston to go to Africa?" I'm like, "No."

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:12

       What? (laughs)

   29. TWTony Woods1:15

       Yeah. (laughs)

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:17

       (laughs)
2. 1:53 – 4:20

   Designing a club for comics: acoustics, sightlines, and Louis C.K.’s input

   1. JRJoe Rogan1:53

      Yeah, we set it up. I mean, we, we basically set up everything to make it perfect for standup.

   2. TWTony Woods1:58

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan1:58

      You know, just perfect for the comics, perfect for the staff.

   4. TWTony Woods2:02

      'Cause I've been in clubs, and they go, "Yeah, we put our heart and soul into this." I'm like, "You guys do comedy?" "No, we don't do comedy, but, uh, this is our new club." I'm like, "This... This club's..." You know (laughs) you don't wanna say.

   5. JRJoe Rogan2:12

      You don't know what you're doing.

   6. TWTony Woods2:13

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan2:13

      Yeah.

   8. TWTony Woods2:13

      The... I went to this one club, and they had th- this is the stage. The, the, the ceiling is like that, so it sounds like you're in a gymnasium. It's like that. And the bar is right there, and just, uh...

   9. JRJoe Rogan2:26

      People ordering drinks while the show's going on.

   10. TWTony Woods2:28

       People ordering drinks, then they got, like, a-

   11. JRJoe Rogan2:29

       Yeah.

   12. TWTony Woods2:29

       ... tier up here. And it... It's, it's more like a- a dance club. It looks like, uh-

   13. JRJoe Rogan2:34

       Yeah.

   14. TWTony Woods2:34

       Yeah, like Bandstand, American Bandstand or something, you know? It'd be dope as a, a club.

   15. JRJoe Rogan2:39

       Well, there's not a lot of clubs that are designed by comedians-

   16. TWTony Woods2:42

       Yeah.

   17. JRJoe Rogan2:43

       ... where the comic comes in and says, you know, "We need to fix this. We need to do that." We had Louie come in too. That helped a lot, 'cause Louie gave me some real good advice.

   18. TWTony Woods2:51

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan2:51

       Real good tips. I j- I listened to everything he said. I said, "Let's do this." "Okay, I'll do that." "Let's..." He's like, "T- make the stage and the small room smaller." "Okay, how much smaller?" "Four feet on each side." Chopped it up. It was, like, right before we poured the concrete too, so they had to change the rebar and all that jazz, but it's perfect.

   20. TWTony Woods3:07

       All right. Um, when you, uh... Like, from the stage, I give advice on... Like, I'm might... You know, you poke fun at the club. You talk shit, and, and, like, th- the owner's always like, "You know how much money I put into this club?" I'm like, "Yeah."

   21. JRJoe Rogan3:21

       Yeah. (laughs)

   22. TWTony Woods3:21

       But you don't do standup, man. (laughs)

   23. JRJoe Rogan3:23

       You don't know what you're doing.

   24. TWTony Woods3:23

       You don't know what you're doing.

   25. JRJoe Rogan3:25

       (laughs)

   26. TWTony Woods3:25

       And when I said it, it... People laughed, and so... But then sometimes you rip on a club 'cause it's comfortable, and you rip on it, and then they'll go and fix it. Like, "Dude, what you doing?"

   27. JRJoe Rogan3:34

       Right.

   28. TWTony Woods3:35

       "Don't, don't clean it up, man. What are you doing?"

   29. JRJoe Rogan3:36

       (laughs)

   30. TWTony Woods3:37

       That was-
3. 4:20 – 5:35

   ‘Comedy is dirty’: banana peels, sciatica jokes, and podcast audio tweaks

   1. TWTony Woods4:20

      Comedy is dirty, son.

   2. JRJoe Rogan4:22

      Yeah, some comedy's dirty.

   3. TWTony Woods4:24

      Yeah.

   4. JRJoe Rogan4:24

      It's good.

   5. TWTony Woods4:25

      Well, it's, it's a painful thing. I tell people. I say, uh, the periodic chart. The symbol for comedy is a banana peel. That means something like that get hurt, man. (laughs)

   6. JRJoe Rogan4:34

      (laughs)

   7. TWTony Woods4:35

      So... (laughs) The crowd might laugh, but somebody's gonna go, "Fuck you."

   8. JRJoe Rogan4:39

      How many... How many people have gotten fucked up over banana peels-

   9. TWTony Woods4:42

      Yeah.

   10. JRJoe Rogan4:43

       ... to the point where banana peels became a thing? Like, you just know.

   11. TWTony Woods4:47

       Yeah.

   12. JRJoe Rogan4:47

       If you leave a banana peel on the ground, people are getting fucked up. It's, like, literally the only item where if it's on the gr- You could describe it, and there was a banana peel on the ground-

   13. TWTony Woods4:55

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan4:55

       ... you're like, "Oh, shit."

   15. TWTony Woods4:55

       Boom. That's it.

   16. JRJoe Rogan4:56

       Someone's getting fucked up by a banana peel.

   17. TWTony Woods4:58

       So, yeah. Here we go, man. It's-

   18. JRJoe Rogan4:59

       100% of the time.

   19. TWTony Woods5:01

       And then next thing you know, the ambulance guy is telling you you got STD. Well, that's what it sound like when I hurt my back that time. He says, "You got a sciatica." I'm like, "How... How? Oh, I knew she was dirty."

   20. JRJoe Rogan5:13

       Dude.

   21. TWTony Woods5:14

       (laughs) But sciatica sounds like something else. I just threw that in there.

   22. JRJoe Rogan5:20

       I see what you just did.

   23. TWTony Woods5:21

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan5:22

       Worked a little comedy there.

   25. TWTony Woods5:22

       I can't hear myself at all.

   26. JRJoe Rogan5:24

       You don't like it?

   27. TWTony Woods5:24

       (laughs) No, th- like, yeah.

   28. JRJoe Rogan5:26

       Is it too much?

   29. TWTony Woods5:27

       When I do that. Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan5:27

       We don't have to wear these. You can take 'em off.
4. 5:35 – 16:14

   Canada wildfires and orange smoke: chemicals, lightning, and balloon conspiracies

   1. TWTony Woods5:35

      But I'm... 'Cause I'm always the first one to feel something, like right now. And you guys don't have it here, but we got the smoke and stuff, and they says the smoke-

   2. JRJoe Rogan5:43

      How bad is it?

   3. TWTony Woods5:44

      It's, it's real bad, man. It's, uh, it's, like, this bad.

   4. JRJoe Rogan5:47

      Why is it, why is it orange? Has anybody tried-

   5. TWTony Woods5:50

      Do you know-

   6. JRJoe Rogan5:50

      ... to figure that out? Is it... 'Cause you know all the conspiracy theories, Jimmy.

   7. TWTony Woods5:53

      I know a guy.

   8. JRJoe Rogan5:54

      Do you know the conspiracy theories? Because apparently there was a bunch of chemicals that went missing.

   9. TWTony Woods5:59

      I know a guy.I know a guy who used to be the NBC doc. You know what NBC is? So at Camp Lejeune, the Marines have to go through a gas chamber.

   10. JRJoe Rogan6:08

       Right.

   11. TWTony Woods6:09

       Right? A- and you... I'm a corpsman. So, you can only do it once a quarter. But the good thing is, you get a three-day weekend. So, (laughs) so, so I would volunteer to do it. So I'd take it... I did it a couple, too many times. Not l- not a lot. But I would... uh, okay, maybe once a month. But I... (laughs) You know what I'm saying? Them three-day weekends are good. And I didn't care b- 'cause after a while, you kinda get used to it. But when I, (laughs) , when I smell that smoke, I'm like, "I know what trees and leaves smell like, man, when they're burning." Just that's not how... It doesn't smell like that.

   12. JRJoe Rogan6:42

       What does it smell like? Chemicals?

   13. TWTony Woods6:45

       NBC. It's called nuclear biological chemical wef- warfare. And Marines, everybody in the military, you have to go... then you go in and you, you, uh, you, you put your mask on, you have to babababa. You say, "I'm Joe Rogan." Babababababa. 'Cause it... You, you have to be able like, when the gas comes, you don't already have your mask on. You gotta-

   14. JRJoe Rogan7:03

       Right.

   15. TWTony Woods7:04

       ... how to think fast, put it on. And, and so as a corpsman, you... but you already got your mask on as a corpsman. But it's still... Getting in there, so for health reasons, you should do it once a quarter. But I-

   16. JRJoe Rogan7:15

       You were doing 'em once a month?

   17. TWTony Woods7:17

       I... like, like once every other month, something like that, you know? So-

   18. JRJoe Rogan7:20

       (laughs)

   19. TWTony Woods7:20

       (laughs)

   20. JRJoe Rogan7:20

       Just, just for the three-day weekends?

   21. TWTony Woods7:23

       Just for the three-day weekend, man.

   22. JRJoe Rogan7:25

       Wow.

   23. TWTony Woods7:25

       You don't understand. I, uh, I volunteered 'cause I had allergies real bad. I volunteered to go up to Norfolk, uh, uh, for these... They would... We have... Be up there for like a week, and they, they give you shots and do this and do that and do this. Yeah. And, um, and I was, I was talking to this guy one time who was in my unit. I said, "Yeah, man, I went from 5'10" to 6'1" in like a year." He says, "Yeah, Woods, you let him shoot you up with all that shit?" (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan7:52

       What did (laughs) ? What were they giving him?

   25. TWTony Woods7:55

       I got five days off.

   26. JRJoe Rogan7:57

       He's a grown man.

   27. TWTony Woods7:58

       I got five days off.

   28. JRJoe Rogan7:58

       He's a grown man. He great...

   29. TWTony Woods7:58

       They were just trying shit out on him. I had five days off, dawg.

   30. JRJoe Rogan8:02

       I always thought they were doing that kind of stuff.
5. 16:14 – 19:54

   TSA rules, confiscated lighters, and the absurdity of what counts as a weapon

   1. JRJoe Rogan16:14

      It's kinda crazy that you can just buy a lighter, like anybody.

   2. TWTony Woods16:16

      Yeah.

   3. JRJoe Rogan16:17

      Could go buy a lighter and start lighting shit on fire.

   4. TWTony Woods16:19

      But you just can't take it through TSA.

   5. JRJoe Rogan16:22

      You can't take a lighter through TSA?

   6. TWTony Woods16:24

      No.

   7. JRJoe Rogan16:24

      Really?

   8. TWTony Woods16:25

      Really. They take it.

   9. JRJoe Rogan16:26

      Is that new?

   10. TWTony Woods16:27

       No.

   11. JRJoe Rogan16:27

       Matches though, right?

   12. TWTony Woods16:29

       Yeah, matches. I mean, but it, if it's in your carry-on, they take light- you ever see the little bucket-

   13. JRJoe Rogan16:34

       Yeah.

   14. TWTony Woods16:34

       ... that holds lighters?

   15. GUGuest16:35

       You can take disposables with, without fuel. And disposables also.

   16. JRJoe Rogan16:37

       Yeah. Disposable and Zippo lighters without fuel. Oh, without fuel.

   17. TWTony Woods16:41

       Oh.

   18. JRJoe Rogan16:42

       Oh, you have to take-

   19. TWTony Woods16:43

       Well, I know they took my razor and my Zippo-

   20. JRJoe Rogan16:44

       But disposables is this. This is a disposable.

   21. GUGuest16:46

       "Lighters with fuel are prohibited in checked bag," checked bags. I don't know.

   22. JRJoe Rogan16:50

       Okay. Disposable and Zippo... So, Zippos without fuel are allowed in checked bags.

   23. TWTony Woods16:55

       How do you know they don't have fuel?

   24. JRJoe Rogan16:56

       And disposables are allowed in checked bags. So that's checked bags though.

   25. TWTony Woods16:59

       The one they took from me was a gift.

   26. JRJoe Rogan17:01

       Right.

   27. TWTony Woods17:01

       I didn't put the stuff in it yet. It was like-

   28. JRJoe Rogan17:03

       Oh.

   29. TWTony Woods17:03

       ... in a gift box. You know, with the little...

   30. JRJoe Rogan17:05

       Oh, really?
6. 19:54 – 23:12

   UK comedy touring and Edinburgh Festival: pub circuits and unexpected encounters

   1. TWTony Woods19:54

      Uh, oh, he's all over the UK. You ever do over there in the UK?

   2. JRJoe Rogan19:57

      Yeah, I just did the 02.

   3. TWTony Woods19:58

      Yeah.

   4. JRJoe Rogan19:58

      I did the arena up there. It was fun.

   5. TWTony Woods19:59

      Boom shaka.

   6. JRJoe Rogan20:00

      It was fun.

   7. TWTony Woods20:01

      I did the Old Pub, when I was over... (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan20:04

      Yeah? (laughs)

   9. TWTony Woods20:06

      I've seen more of England than most English people. Just on the train going here and there, little small towns.

   10. JRJoe Rogan20:12

       Yeah.

   11. TWTony Woods20:13

       And so I've had a good time though, man. That was the, uh, that's wh-... I guess that was in like the 2000s.

   12. JRJoe Rogan20:19

       Did you do comedy in those small towns?

   13. TWTony Woods20:21

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan20:22

       How was that?

   15. TWTony Woods20:22

       'Cause they, they had these thing, they had jongleurs back then.

   16. JRJoe Rogan20:26

       Jongleurs?

   17. TWTony Woods20:27

       Jongleurs. There was a chain of them and then they have The Comedy Store, there's a chain of those. And then they have this Slug and Lettuce. We have Slug and Lettuce here. It's like a little, like a, a restaurant.

   18. JRJoe Rogan20:37

       Okay.

   19. TWTony Woods20:38

       And, and so, boom. At that time, they were having comedy six nights a week all over the country. Just at some pub somewhere, somehow.

   20. JRJoe Rogan20:46

       Wow.

   21. TWTony Woods20:47

       Me-

   22. JRJoe Rogan20:47

       So just hop around?

   23. TWTony Woods20:48

       Yeah. Me, Will Sillvance, uh, all those guys from over there. We used to go... Uh-

   24. JRJoe Rogan20:52

       Wow.

   25. TWTony Woods20:53

       ... uh, Modi. Uh, who else? Y- you know a lot of those guys. Uh, uh, Patrice. Everybody. We always go 'cause they-

   26. JRJoe Rogan21:01

       The UK tours.

   27. TWTony Woods21:02

       The UK tours. It sounds good, but it was (laughs) it was the same as doing North Carolina and Georgia, the Holiday Inns. That's what... (laughs) We just running around from spot to spot. Everybody just talked different.

   28. JRJoe Rogan21:16

       How did they receive the comedy?

   29. TWTony Woods21:18

       They loved it.

   30. JRJoe Rogan21:19

       Yeah?
7. 23:12 – 25:34

   Predator camouflage to real-world invisibility tech (and a Wonder Woman plane mix-up)

   1. TWTony Woods23:12

      'Cause I was, I was thinking about the spaceship up there.

   2. JRJoe Rogan23:15

      Uh-huh.

   3. TWTony Woods23:15

      I remember one of the presidents that we had here, and he was doing like a tour at a, at Air Force Base and the guy says, "This is Stealth Fighter." He goes, "It's, it's invisible like Wonder Woman's plane." You don't remember he said that?

   4. JRJoe Rogan23:29

      No.

   5. TWTony Woods23:29

      He said that.

   6. JRJoe Rogan23:30

      Well, he's incorrect.

   7. TWTony Woods23:32

      Yeah. Well... (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan23:33

      (laughs)

   9. TWTony Woods23:35

      He, he says this, uh, they call it the Stealth Fighter because it gets invisible like Wonder Woman's plane.

   10. JRJoe Rogan23:40

       Yeah, you just can't see it on radar. But you can look at it. It's right there.

   11. TWTony Woods23:43

       I wasn't there, but they say-

   12. JRJoe Rogan23:43

       The Wonder Woman plane would like go transparent, so you could see the clouds.

   13. TWTony Woods23:47

       Yeah, yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan23:47

       That's next level shit.

   15. TWTony Woods23:50

       (laughs)

   16. JRJoe Rogan23:50

       They're gonna do that for sure, 'cause they already have clothes that can do that. They have like a cloak that you can wear, and the cloak will like, uh, transmit an image of what's behind you.

   17. TWTony Woods23:59

       Oh.

   18. JRJoe Rogan23:59

       Have you seen that?

   19. TWTony Woods24:00

       Yeah. So like a, a silk sc- like a...

   20. JRJoe Rogan24:02

       Yeah, like a LCD or LED screen.

   21. TWTony Woods24:05

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan24:05

       It's really interesting. Like, they, they figured out how to do some weird stuff that makes it look like someone's invisible and things are invisible.

   23. TWTony Woods24:14

       Yeah.

   24. JRJoe Rogan24:14

       And it seems like a matter of time before they're gonna apply that at a higher level. Like look at that, that lady's like standing-

   25. TWTony Woods24:21

       They used to do that-

   26. JRJoe Rogan24:22

       Right in front of something.

   27. TWTony Woods24:23

       Did you ever do Bruce Harris Club before it was the Stardome?

   28. JRJoe Rogan24:26

       No.

   29. TWTony Woods24:27

       He's w- before it was the Stardome, he had a, he had a, um, he had a, a, what do you, whatever, uh, whatever the screen is.

   30. JRJoe Rogan24:34

       Can you keep that up? Uh, what is- Yeah. ... what is that object she's using to do that?
8. 25:34 – 30:12

   Big game hunting and lion management: conservation economics and ‘man-eater’ history

   1. TWTony Woods25:34

      Ah. What's, what, um, what do you, what do you think about, um, like big game hunters? Like the people who go to Africa?

   2. JRJoe Rogan25:42

      Africa's a very complicated situation-

   3. TWTony Woods25:44

      Yeah.

   4. JRJoe Rogan25:45

      ... because Africa has more wild game right now than any time over the last few decades.

   5. TWTony Woods25:54

      Okay.

   6. JRJoe Rogan25:54

      And the reason why they have that is 'cause they made it very valuable. So these people set up these large wild game camps-

   7. TWTony Woods26:00

      Mm-hmm.

   8. JRJoe Rogan26:00

      ... and they, people from all over the world come there, and they pay a lot of money, and they hunt. And they can hunt anything, wildebeests, giraffes.

   9. TWTony Woods26:08

      They can't take it with 'em, right?

   10. JRJoe Rogan26:09

       They can't bring it back with them. And they can, they can eat the meat while they're there, and they'll donate the meat to the villages, which they very much appreciate. My friends who've been over there said it is actually a very nice feeling.

   11. TWTony Woods26:21

       But what about like lions? They don't do that, do them?

   12. JRJoe Rogan26:23

       Nope, they don't eat the lions.

   13. TWTony Woods26:24

       Yeah.

   14. JRJoe Rogan26:24

       No. Lions is just ... (sighs) It's just likes to, to say you hunted a lion, the, the thrill of hunting a lion, you know?

   15. TWTony Woods26:33

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan26:33

       And then there's the conservation aspect of it. They do have to kill a certain amount of lions.

   17. TWTony Woods26:37

       So-

   18. JRJoe Rogan26:37

       They have a population control that they do.

   19. TWTony Woods26:40

       Yeah.

   20. JRJoe Rogan26:40

       So like, when they... Remember when Cecil the lion got killed and everybody freaked out?

   21. TWTony Woods26:44

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan26:44

       They shut down lion hunting, and then they had a surplus of lions. And then lions were killing too much antelope and ungulates, so then they had to send in hunters, like professional killers to kill the lions.

   23. TWTony Woods26:55

       Well, do you remember this movie that Kirk Douglas was in?

   24. JRJoe Rogan26:58

       Yeah.

   25. TWTony Woods26:59

       I g- uh, yes.

   26. JRJoe Rogan26:59

       The Ghost and the Darkness.

   27. TWTony Woods27:01

       So come to find out, that's a true story.

   28. JRJoe Rogan27:03

       Yes.

   29. TWTony Woods27:03

       And they did the thing on the lions, and one of the lions, uh, uh, he had um, he had, he had an injury. He had hurt his jaw, his tooth or something, like a real bad-

   30. JRJoe Rogan27:13

       Like a bullet hole?
9. 30:12 – 37:54

   Chimp Empire and the brutality of nature: chimps eating monkeys and predator videos

   1. TWTony Woods30:12

      Why, have you guys been watching, uh, Chimp Empire?

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:15

      Yes.

   3. TWTony Woods30:15

      Man, that is the-

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:16

      I have the guy in it who directed it.

   5. TWTony Woods30:17

      Yeah, that is, well, how did it, how many years did that take?

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:20

      Oh, look at them. Oh, well here's the deal. They had set up, uh, scientists had set up research there 30 years ago.

   7. TWTony Woods30:27

      Wow.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:28

      So they had been continually studying these chimps, and they had like very specific rules of engagement. You can't ever eat in front of them. You can't be closer than 20 feet.... or was it 20 yards? 20 yards. You keep them closer-

   9. TWTony Woods30:39

      Well, they were actually-

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:39

       ... than 20 yards.

   11. TWTony Woods30:40

       They were cam-

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:40

       They were right there with them. So they're right there with these chimps-

   13. TWTony Woods30:44

       Oh.

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:44

       ... man. And so they're, like, filming everything and the chimps get accustomed to the people being there because the people never interact with the chimps.

   15. TWTony Woods30:52

       Yeah.

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:52

       And if the chimps walk towards the people, the people just back away. And, again, you can never eat in front of them.

   17. TWTony Woods30:58

       No.

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:58

       Ever.

   19. TWTony Woods30:59

       I tell you-

   20. JRJoe Rogan31:00

       'Cause they just steal your food and fuck you up.

   21. TWTony Woods31:01

       What blew me away was when they ate monkeys.

   22. JRJoe Rogan31:04

       Oh, yeah.

   23. TWTony Woods31:04

       I was like, "Dude, that's... Okay." (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan31:06

       They eat a lot of monkeys.

   25. TWTony Woods31:07

       (laughs) It was like... Yeah. Yeah.

   26. JRJoe Rogan31:09

       David Attenborough, I think, was the first guy that captured that on film in, on the BBC, and I remember watching that. And it's-

   27. TWTony Woods31:16

       I-

   28. JRJoe Rogan31:16

       You see this little monkey-

   29. TWTony Woods31:17

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan31:18

       ... and he's still alive.
10. 37:54 – 45:53

    Animal chaos stories from the road: fruit bats, possums, goats—and comedy friends

    1. TWTony Woods37:54

       Have you (laughs) , have you (laughs) , have you ever done, uh, the, the, the comedy festivals in Australia?

    2. JRJoe Rogan38:00

       No.

    3. TWTony Woods38:01

       Man, so it was me and Al Lebel. You know Al Lebel?

    4. JRJoe Rogan38:04

       Yeah.

    5. TWTony Woods38:05

       We walk (laughs) , and it looks like when... On Batman, you know when they do the bat symbol?

    6. JRJoe Rogan38:11

       Uh-huh.

    7. TWTony Woods38:11

       'Cause you're just looking down at the ground. We had no idea about the fruit bats in Australia. You know, they're like, they're like this big, right? So you walking, and, and it's just like, you like, you see that light from... Must be a nightclub or something. And then you see a whole bunch of them. And I look up, I'm like, "Al, look at that." And (laughs) , and me, Al Lebel, ........................... It's cold over here. (laughs) And it was just sw- swarming by. Look how big they are. They like chihuahuas. (laughs)

    8. JRJoe Rogan38:41

       (laughs)

    9. TWTony Woods38:41

       Are they really that size? They are big. Look at this big motherf-

    10. JRJoe Rogan38:44

        Oh my God. Is that person holding one?

    11. TWTony Woods38:46

        And they right, and they right in the city. Yeah.

    12. JRJoe Rogan38:47

        Sc- scroll down a little, Jamie.

    13. NANarrator38:48

        Sorry.

    14. JRJoe Rogan38:49

        No worries.

    15. TWTony Woods38:49

        And they right in... See, they right in the city. They not-

    16. JRJoe Rogan38:51

        Look at the size of that thing.

    17. TWTony Woods38:52

        You don't have to go to the woods to see these motherfuckers.

    18. JRJoe Rogan38:54

        Look at that guy holding one of... The lady holding one of the top. Look at the size of these things.

    19. TWTony Woods38:59

        Yeah, look at that. Th- th- look, and that's right at her h... That's not in the wilderness. That's right downtown Sydney.

    20. JRJoe Rogan39:03

        Wow. Oh my God.

    21. TWTony Woods39:06

        Yeah.

    22. JRJoe Rogan39:06

        What do those things eat?

    23. TWTony Woods39:07

        Mm-hmm. Fruit. Look at them.

    24. JRJoe Rogan39:09

        Jesus. Literally like flying chihuahuas.

    25. TWTony Woods39:13

        Yes.

    26. JRJoe Rogan39:14

        Australia is a wild place.

    27. TWTony Woods39:16

        This, uh... So we were, we were there, and they have a big, they have a big, uh, gala for the comedians. So (clears throat) , and it's right in Chinatown, and they said, "Hey, you know, be careful 'cause the, the triad is over there. The, the little gang members."

    28. JRJoe Rogan39:30

        Mm.

    29. TWTony Woods39:30

        Right? And they (laughs) and they... But they dressed like they in a video. They don't, you know, they don't, they don't look like they should fight with what they got on. They got, like, little suits and shit like that.

    30. JRJoe Rogan39:38

        Okay.
11. 45:53 – 52:03

    Bigfoot in cold-weather training: what Tony heard and why Joe stays skeptical

    1. TWTony Woods45:53

       Uh, so... And I... Well, yeah, speaking of animals, I had done something on Showtime. It's called the Leslie Nielsen National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs. Right? And it was... They pick a comedian from all over the country, go out to Vegas. We stayed in the Sahara Hotel. Because my last name is Woods, I had a suite. So, the, the other guys had a regular room, but I had... I had a suite. And, um... But on that show I tell a joke about Bigfoot. And I never saw Bigfoot, but I was... We would tr- We were on training. You do these training where you go make maps and all this shit. And we heard him.

    2. JRJoe Rogan46:30

       You heard Bigfoot?

    3. TWTony Woods46:31

       Heard Bigfoot. I heard him.

    4. JRJoe Rogan46:32

       What does it sound like?

    5. TWTony Woods46:33

       (imitates bigfoot call) (laughs) I could still do that. He does that. But he... Everything you see on them stupid TV shows, that happened. He threw a rock, all the animals started running, and a marine... 'Cause, you know, he's the guy who knows where the markers are, but we didn't know where the markers were. He's the one who says, "Hey, we... We're out of the perimeter. Have you guys ever heard of Bigfoot?" Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He tells... He was Native American. But he... He just said that, and we-

    6. JRJoe Rogan47:00

       W- Where were you guys? What state?

    7. TWTony Woods47:02

       Uh, like, Nova Scotia.

    8. JRJoe Rogan47:04

       Nova Scotia.

    9. TWTony Woods47:04

       Where they do cold weather training.

    10. JRJoe Rogan47:06

        Hmm.

    11. TWTony Woods47:07

        Yeah. And you have to make your own map-

    12. JRJoe Rogan47:09

        You sure they weren't fucking with you?

    13. TWTony Woods47:11

        I'm pretty sure. Who did... Who threw that rock?

    14. JRJoe Rogan47:13

        Somebody that was fucking with you?

    15. TWTony Woods47:14

        No. I don't-

    16. JRJoe Rogan47:15

        No?

    17. TWTony Woods47:16

        ... know why you're fucking with the animals too. All the animals ran too.

    18. JRJoe Rogan47:18

        Yeah.

    19. TWTony Woods47:18

        Remember how you said, "They know how to get away"? (laughs) They... All these fuckers just... They just did a little mass exodus. And it's a... It's an old-

    20. JRJoe Rogan47:25

        I'm very skeptical of Bigfoot.

    21. TWTony Woods47:29

        I've never seen him, but I never heard nothing like that either.

    22. JRJoe Rogan47:32

        Well, so what... If you had a... Did it sound like, uh-

    23. TWTony Woods47:34

        It just sounded... It, it, it was a-

    24. JRJoe Rogan47:37

        What was it similar to?

    25. TWTony Woods47:39

        You ever hear Luther Vandross sing live?

    26. JRJoe Rogan47:40

        (laughs)

    27. TWTony Woods47:41

        (laughs) That motherfucker.

    28. JRJoe Rogan47:44

        Ah.

    29. TWTony Woods47:45

        Like, when you hear him on a record, it's one thing, but when you hear him live he's like (imitates bigfoot call) like that. He didn't sound like that, but it was the same-

    30. JRJoe Rogan47:54

        Power.
12. 52:03 – 1:17:18

    Reality TV suffering: Naked and Afraid, Alone, Fear Factor, and ‘smell vision’

    1. JRJoe Rogan52:03

       They fuck around with editing, you know. I was on one of those.

    2. TWTony Woods52:07

       What, what... Do you do the naked one?

    3. JRJoe Rogan52:09

       A naked one? Like, on Naked and Confused?

    4. TWTony Woods52:11

       The naked one. Naked. Yeah, no.

    5. JRJoe Rogan52:11

       What is it called?

    6. TWTony Woods52:11

       Naked in a, what's it called?

    7. JRJoe Rogan52:12

       Afraid. Naked and Afraid. Naked and Afraid. (laughs)

    8. TWTony Woods52:14

       Naked... (laughs) Yeah, I did with you, man. Man, but you know how much... I had a uniform on and we all got bugs.

    9. JRJoe Rogan52:20

       Yeah, naked. Oh, boy.

    10. TWTony Woods52:20

        So I know, yeah. Oh, my God.

    11. JRJoe Rogan52:23

        The suffering.

    12. TWTony Woods52:24

        Yeah, it's-

    13. JRJoe Rogan52:24

        Also-

    14. TWTony Woods52:24

        Mm.

    15. JRJoe Rogan52:24

        ... I don't know if they... What could... How, how bad can you get fucked up and how quickly can they get you to a hospital?

    16. TWTony Woods52:31

        Yeah. And like, like you say-

    17. JRJoe Rogan52:33

        (laughs)

    18. TWTony Woods52:33

        ... where, where are the, the watchers? Where are the people-

    19. JRJoe Rogan52:35

        Right.

    20. TWTony Woods52:35

        Yeah, 'cause, I mean-

    21. JRJoe Rogan52:37

        This is not safe.

    22. TWTony Woods52:38

        People get... The, the one time, the lady, her snatch was all swollen.

    23. JRJoe Rogan52:42

        Oh.

    24. TWTony Woods52:43

        (laughs) 'Cause he said... They had bit her all up and everything 'cause her cycle came and yeah.

    25. JRJoe Rogan52:48

        Well, how about that show Alone?

    26. TWTony Woods52:51

        Oh, dat-

    27. JRJoe Rogan52:51

        You see that show, Alone?

    28. TWTony Woods52:52

        Yeah, dat, yeah.

    29. JRJoe Rogan52:53

        The dude I had on the show, he shot a moose with a bow and arrow and then he had to kill a wolverine that was trying to steal his moose.

    30. TWTony Woods53:01

        Woo. And he was naked through all of that?

Episode duration: 2:43:41