Joe Rogan Experience #2075 - Protect Our Parks 10 (Part 2)

Shane Gillis 0:00 (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

Joe Rogan 0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience. (energetic rock music plays)

Mark Normand 0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

Ari Shaffir 0:11 Fights are nuts 'cause all cats will fight each other. Like, if they find-

Shane Gillis 0:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 0:15 ... each other out in the wild, they're never really cool with each other.

Shane Gillis 0:18 No.

Mark Normand 0:18 Oh, sometimes they are.

Ari Shaffir 0:19 Sometimes if they're in the neighborhood.

Mark Normand 0:21 They get buddies, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 0:22 But they have to ... Don't they have to grow up together?

Shane Gillis 0:25 Yeah, it's like women. They hate each other. (person laughing)

Mark Normand 0:26 (laughs) Yep. You ever ... You ever notice how women don't have friends? (laughs)

Shane Gillis 0:31 (laughs)

0:31 So, you know who hates women the most? Women.

Mark Normand 0:33 (laughs) Yeah.

Shane Gillis 0:35 Girl power.

Mark Normand 0:37 Who runs the world? Girls. Who runs the world? Jews. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:42 (laughs) I bought you that book, by the way.

Shane Gillis 0:43 What about all those britches?

Mark Normand 0:44 Who Runs the World: Jews? (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:45 No, the Lizzo book that I sent you the picture of.

Mark Normand 0:47 Oh, I thought you were joking.

Shane Gillis 0:48 (laughs) Lizzo's got a book? Is it a cookbook?

Mark Normand 0:50 I'm gonna read it. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:53 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 0:53 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 0:53 What was the book? What did it say?

Mark Normand 0:56 I ... I don't ... (drum roll) I don't want any part of this. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 1:00 Chicken Soup for the Soul?

Ari Shaffir 1:01 I was like, "I gotta buy this."

Shane Gillis 1:02 (laughs) Chicken soup for all-

Mark Normand 1:03 You actually bought that?

Ari Shaffir 1:04 Yes.

Mark Normand 1:05 I gave you Bloodlands. (laughs) You gave me Lizzo. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:09 (laughs) That sounds like a balanced offer.

Mark Normand 1:12 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:13 Bro, I can't even read that.

Mark Normand 1:14 Oh, you mean the Lizzo Way?

Ari Shaffir 1:15 Yeah, that way.

Mark Normand 1:16 100% that book you need. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 1:18 Dang.

Shane Gillis 1:18 That's it. I got you that.

Mark Normand 1:20 Oh, you got me that?

Ari Shaffir 1:21 Yeah, I'll bring it in next time I see you.

Shane Gillis 1:22 I thought when she got in trouble, it would just, just blow a hole through everything.

Ari Shaffir 1:26 Ah, come on.

Shane Gillis 1:28 I thought when she ... they were coming after her for body shaming-

Mark Normand 1:30 You think you're gonna get a ...

Ari Shaffir 1:32 For what? For being a diva? Like, what was the worst thing she did?

Shane Gillis 1:35 Yeah.

1:35 I thought it was like ... it would put an end, like, DC, someone says-

Mark Normand 1:39 Using the word spaz.

Shane Gillis 1:40 ... sex stuff.

1:40 ... Can we just enjoy-

Mark Normand 1:41 She didn't do anything.

Shane Gillis 1:42 Yeah.

Mark Normand 1:43 She's innocent. Also, for real, I know it's like ... Free Lizzo.

Shane Gillis 1:46 Yes.

1:47 Free Lizzo. Free Lizzo.

Mark Normand 1:48 What'd she do?

Shane Gillis 1:48 She didn't do shit.

1:49 She's queen.

Mark Normand 1:49 What was her accusations? Like, she made a performer show banana up her pussy or something.

Shane Gillis 1:53 She was mean or something. Yeah, like, come on.

Mark Normand 1:54 Normal shit. Fucking baller shit, dude. Lizzo rules.

Shane Gillis 1:57 I stand behind her.

1:58 I've seen her. Puts on a good concert.

2:00 She's good.

Mark Normand 2:01 I've seen ... I, though ... Although I will say I was actually pissed when they made her twerk with ... think it was James Madison's flute. (imitates flute) (laughs)

Shane Gillis 2:08 Why?

Ari Shaffir 2:08 Why?

Shane Gillis 2:09 Pissed me off.

Ari Shaffir 2:10 Why?

Shane Gillis 2:10 He can't help it. He's gonna get pissed at-

Mark Normand 2:10 It's just such bullshit.

Ari Shaffir 2:12 I kinda like it. I think it symbolizes the time we're living in.

Shane Gillis 2:16 (gasps)

Mark Normand 2:16 I think it does too.

Shane Gillis 2:17 I think the time sucks. (laughs)

Mark Normand 2:19 With Lizzo can twerk with a f- ... P- it's maybe, but maybe not. It depends on your perspective.

Shane Gillis 2:24 I'm with you. It's just an artifact.

Ari Shaffir 2:24 It's the most fun time to be alive.

Mark Normand 2:26 All right. Here's the ... here's the ... Genuinely, it's like, I get it. I genuinely don't care about that guy's fucking flute. Fuck him.

Shane Gillis 2:34 I don't like it.

2:34 There's something about Joe. It's like, "These guys are history."

Mark Normand 2:36 But I know-

Shane Gillis 2:36 Let's get married.

Mark Normand 2:37 But I know why they're celebrating it.

Shane Gillis 2:40 Right.

Mark Normand 2:40 They're like, "Yeah. Yeah. In your fucking face." And it's like, come on, dude. The guy founded America. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 2:48 Yeah. Yeah, what did he do wrong?

Mark Normand 2:48 Like, that's the ... I know they don't give a fuck about history.

Shane Gillis 2:51 It was the time.

Ari Shaffir 2:53 Right.

Mark Normand 2:55 And by they, I mean white liberals.

Ari Shaffir 2:56 She played a 200-year-old flute.

Mark Normand 2:59 Jesus.

Ari Shaffir 3:00 Man.

Shane Gillis 3:00 Yeah, on Zembik.

Ari Shaffir 3:05 That ... Yeah, I guess I don't give a fuck about it.

Shane Gillis 3:07 I have zero problem with that.

3:08 (laughs) Yeah, that's pretty dope.

3:08 That could've been a replica.

Ari Shaffir 3:09 Well, she ... I mean, she was- No, no. She wasn't playing it, like, recklessly.

Shane Gillis 3:12 She was the only one who played Trump's flute anymore.

Mark Normand 3:14 She was just twerking while she played it, which is fine.

Ari Shaffir 3:15 Imagining the street cred you would get if you spiked it and said, "Fuck white supremacy."

Shane Gillis 3:20 (laughs)

3:21 That would kill.

Mark Normand 3:22 Shock!

Ari Shaffir 3:23 Oh, my God. (laughs) That would be the most polarizing moment in human history. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 3:26 That would be big.

Mark Normand 3:28 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 3:28 I'd be like, "Wow."

Mark Normand 3:28 All right. I take back-

Ari Shaffir 3:29 I'd be like, "What the fuck?"

Shane Gillis 3:31 (laughs)

Mark Normand 3:31 For the record, I take back my opinion from one minute ago.

Ari Shaffir 3:33 (laughs) And still think it sucks?

Mark Normand 3:34 Yeah, I get ... The thing that does suck about it, though, is y- them covering it.

Ari Shaffir 3:39 That's their problem.

Mark Normand 3:40 They're covering it because they want you to be mad.

Shane Gillis 3:43 She might've been doing it because, like, "Oh, I'm playing one of the President's flutes."

Mark Normand 3:47 But the Smith- ... Well, that's what they did.

Shane Gillis 3:47 That's pretty cool.

Mark Normand 3:48 The Smithsonian ... The Smithsonian was like, "You play the flute. You're a major performer. We want you to play the flute," so she did it.

Shane Gillis 3:54 You're the one playing the flute?

Mark Normand 3:55 And then immediately said-

Ari Shaffir 3:56 All she did was wiggle her butt a little. Is that the biggest problem we have? All this fucking drone bombings in Yemen and, of course-

Shane Gillis 4:03 (laughs) Yeah, exactly.

Ari Shaffir 4:04 ... the invasion of Ukraine and, like, what? Who gives a fuck?

Mark Normand 4:07 I know, but that's where it gets confusing.

Ari Shaffir 4:09 She just ... She did what she does. She did ... First of all, she did it in her underwear.

Mark Normand 4:13 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 4:13 Yeah.

4:14 Costume.

4:14 Right. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 4:14 I mean, look, look how she's dressed. Go back to that, please.

Shane Gillis 4:17 Go ... Please? Please.

4:18 Hold on. I'm eating here.

Ari Shaffir 4:19 Is the wiggling of the buttocks ...

Mark Normand 4:22 I take it back.

Ari Shaffir 4:23 If, if there ... Is that ... I mean, imagine-

Shane Gillis 4:25 Take it back again?

Ari Shaffir 4:25 ... if they approved that costume. So they approved this costume, right?

Mark Normand 4:29 I take it all back.

Shane Gillis 4:30 She's got shadows on her crotch.

4:31 She's gonna run, run for Senate.

Mark Normand 4:32 No, I'm back. I hate it. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 4:34 This costume, the c- ... (laughs) We're all over the place with this. Can I hear how good she played it? Like- (flute music plays)

Shane Gillis 4:38 Yeah.

4:39 She's a good flautist.

Mark Normand 4:40 She is.

Shane Gillis 4:42 (Flute music plays) Flaut-ah.

4:46 She does love flute, keep that in mind.

4:50 It would be funny if they were like, "This is actually a Native American flute." And they're like, "Oh, shit."

4:52 This is her instrument.

Mark Normand 4:54 Oh.

Shane Gillis 4:54 I take it all back.

Mark Normand 4:55 Mark, I ... Now, now I take it back.

Ari Shaffir 4:57 I have zero problem with that.

Mark Normand 4:57 Now I'm back in. I take it back.

Ari Shaffir 4:59 I like what she did. Who cares?

Shane Gillis 4:59 I think it actually rules. She ... Her one instrument is the flute, and she's like, "I'm playing a President's ... My instrument."

Mark Normand 5:05 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 5:05 And she did it well.

Shane Gillis 5:06 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 5:06 And so she j- ... fucking moved her body a little bit. Who gives a shit?

Mark Normand 5:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. That's fine. I agree with that, Joe.

Ari Shaffir 5:12 What does it say? What does it say? What does it s-

Mark Normand 5:13 Joe, please. Joe, stop making me the bad guy.

Ari Shaffir 5:15 While racists play dog whistles? What is the problem ... What?

Shane Gillis 5:18 They're racing dog whistles?

Ari Shaffir 5:18 The problem people are having with Lizzo has nothing to do with the flute or history.

Mark Normand 5:21 Ooh, thank you, Rex.

Ari Shaffir 5:22 It has everything to do with the fact that she's a Black woman playing a flute-

Mark Normand 5:25 I take it back. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 5:25 ... that belonged to a slave owner. Oh, shit, Rex.

Shane Gillis 5:28 Yeah, yeah.

5:28 Ugh, dude. What a downer.

Mark Normand 5:30 Rex.

Shane Gillis 5:30 Yeah. We're looking ... Well-

5:30 Can you write any positive stories here?

Ari Shaffir 5:32 Well, we're looking for shit to get angry about.

Shane Gillis 5:34 Here's my ... Here's my take.

Mark Normand 5:35 Bro.

Shane Gillis 5:35 Here's my take. If you're getting mad at Li- ... If you're a right-wing conservative person and you get mad at Lizzo playing the flute like that-

5:42 That's left wing.

5:42 You're ...

5:43 ... the left-wing people are mad at her?

Mark Normand 5:44 He's saying she's- they're- he's mad at them for playing a bla- a slave-

Ari Shaffir 5:48 No, no, no.

Mark Normand 5:48 No, no, he had it right.

Ari Shaffir 5:48 No, no, right-wing people are mad that she played that.

Mark Normand 5:50 The right-wing people are mad?

Ari Shaffir 5:51 And this is why.

Shane Gillis 5:52 He's saying it's dog whistles.

Mark Normand 5:54 Because she's a- sh-

Ari Shaffir 5:54 Listen, he's saying that the right-wing people are mad.

Shane Gillis 5:57 He's saying the right-wing people are mad because she's playing the flute of a slave owner?

Ari Shaffir 6:00 Exactly. Yes.

Shane Gillis 6:01 Wouldn't left wing be mad?

Mark Normand 6:03 No.

Ari Shaffir 6:03 No, no, no, no, no.

Mark Normand 6:04 No, why?

Shane Gillis 6:04 She's playing the instrument of the enemy?

Ari Shaffir 6:06 Yes. I hear what you're saying.

Shane Gillis 6:07 Why would it be the other way?

Ari Shaffir 6:08 You could go that way, too. Because the right-wing people are mad that she is being disrespectful-

Mark Normand 6:15 Oh, the angel again.

Ari Shaffir 6:16 The right-wing people are being mad-

Shane Gillis 6:17 No! Ari!

Mark Normand 6:18 Angel Salazar.

Shane Gillis 6:19 No!

Mark Normand 6:20 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ari Shaffir 6:20 The Jews killed Jesus and an angel. Um, the- the right-wing people are mad because Lizzo is supposedly being disrespectful to a historical flute.

Shane Gillis 6:32 To slavery.

Ari Shaffir 6:32 But clearly she's not being disrespectful at all.

Mark Normand 6:35 (singing)

Shane Gillis 6:35 She's loving the flute.

Ari Shaffir 6:36 She's playing the flute.

Shane Gillis 6:38 No, it's gotta be left-wing people mad.

Ari Shaffir 6:38 She's holding it very carefully. She's playing it well.

Shane Gillis 6:42 Yes, Joe.

Mark Normand 6:42 It's gotta be left-wing people mad.

Ari Shaffir 6:44 But she's all- no, it's right-wing people.

Mark Normand 6:46 No, it's right-wing people.

Ari Shaffir 6:46 But she's being Lizzo while she's doing it. Like, if you gonna hire Lizzo to do it-

Shane Gillis 6:50 What do you want her to do?

Ari Shaffir 6:51 ... she's gonna do what Lizzo does. So she did it.

Shane Gillis 6:52 It's like Rosanna did the national anthem. It's like, "I'm gonna make Joe sum of Zanna."

Mark Normand 6:56 Right.

Ari Shaffir 6:56 Exactly. Perfect example.

Mark Normand 6:58 Lizzo! Lizzo! Lizzo!

Ari Shaffir 7:01 Jamie, Jamie, play Lizzo.

Mark Normand 7:02 We are Team Lizzo. Which team is Lizzo?

7:03 Play Lizzo's fucking first song that was good.

Ari Shaffir 7:06 We're Team Lizzo.

Mark Normand 7:06 I stand behind her. You just, you just can't see me.

Ari Shaffir 7:07 I just took a DNA test.

Mark Normand 7:10 Minnesota bike game.

Ari Shaffir 7:12 Yes.

Shane Gillis 7:13 She does rule.

Ari Shaffir 7:13 Yeah, this song fucking actually rules.

Shane Gillis 7:15 It rules.

Mark Normand 7:16 Fat women are funny.

Shane Gillis 7:17 Don't get involved with the anchor. Just this song rules.

Joe Rogan 7:20 (hip hop music) They got a big brain.

Ari Shaffir 7:21 Yes, Joe.

Mark Normand 7:22 This is a good tune.

Joe Rogan 7:23 Whoo.

Mark Normand 7:24 How many views?

7:24 Ow! Oh my God, you missed (laughs) , you missed a ... You almost broke my DB, fucking idiot.

7:29 How many views on this song?

7:30 There you go, perfect.

7:31 Five million.

7:32 That's incredible.

Joe Rogan 7:34 Bling bling and I solve them. That's the goddess in you.

Mark Normand 7:36 You're surprised this lady makes money eating bananas?

Ari Shaffir 7:38 This song slaps. Yeah, it does.

Mark Normand 7:41 There you go. Joe's fucking connected.

Ari Shaffir 7:41 This is a good song.

Mark Normand 7:43 Crazy that her backup dancers are mad at her. She's fun, but-

Shane Gillis 7:47 No, they're mad at everybody.

Ari Shaffir 7:48 You know, that's always how it works though, man. That's always how it works. The backup dancers always get upset.

Mark Normand 7:54 That's sad.

Ari Shaffir 7:54 But also, it's like, how do you run the thing if you dare your backup dancers? How do you run the thing? Do you run the thing like someone, you know, who's a tyrant? Or do you run the thing like ... Are you a benevolent dictator? Like, how, how do you run that camp?

Mark Normand 8:07 (laughs)

8:07 Yeah, I know, man. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 8:09 You gotta keep in control of these ladies when they get, um, ou- out of line.

Ari Shaffir 8:11 Fat ladies.

Mark Normand 8:12 Wasn't she, wasn't she saying they were losing weight?

Ari Shaffir 8:14 Also, who is she, who is she bringing with ... But there was also that show that she had where she's-

Shane Gillis 8:17 You're a fat dancer. Be lucky to be alive.

Ari Shaffir 8:18 ... put those ladies on tour and they were ... their ankles couldn't sustain it. Like, you're a doorknob.

Mark Normand 8:22 She had a show?

Ari Shaffir 8:23 Yeah, they were on tour. These ladies were dancing on tour. Wasn't there, like, some kinda crazy thing?

Mark Normand 8:27 My 600-Pound Life.

Ari Shaffir 8:29 It was like a lo- ... No. It was like these big girls that were dancing on tour. They were all, they were all-

Mark Normand 8:34 Oh, there you go. They're big.

Ari Shaffir 8:34 ... blowing out MCLs and ...

Mark Normand 8:36 Wow, that, that just looks like an airport.

Ari Shaffir 8:37 Damn, look at that big dog back in the- (laughs) It's like, it's like spare tire land.

Mark Normand 8:40 These are big girls? This just looks like, uh, Saturday night at the club.

Ari Shaffir 8:44 Look at their fucking ... So they get out there and just-

Mark Normand 8:46 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 8:46 You guys see the guy on the left? (laughs) Whoa, what's going on there?

Mark Normand 8:50 Wait a minute.

Ari Shaffir 8:50 Is that a guy?

Mark Normand 8:50 Is this the California Panthers?

Ari Shaffir 8:52 It's fucking H. Foley, dude. (laughs) Jesus Christ.

Shane Gillis 8:56 (laughs) Sumo team.

Mark Normand 8:57 It's an Ozempic ad.

Ari Shaffir 8:58 Oh my God.

Mark Normand 9:01 Fucking with Lizzo. Lizzo. Lizzo.

Ari Shaffir 9:03 (laughs)

Mark Normand 9:04 She's a fun lady.

Shane Gillis 9:05 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 9:05 Yeah, she's a fun lady.

Mark Normand 9:06 We gotta get her on here.

Ari Shaffir 9:07 No, no.

Shane Gillis 9:08 Yeah.

Mark Normand 9:09 No?

Ari Shaffir 9:09 I, I highly doubt she'd be interested in that.

Shane Gillis 9:11 I think she would.

Mark Normand 9:11 I think she would. I think she would.

9:12 I think she would.

Shane Gillis 9:12 I think she might stop herself, but she would be interested because she fucking rules.

Ari Shaffir 9:16 Well, listen, man. Like, if you watch all that, that's fun. That's all fun to me. I let ... I don't have any problem with the way she played that flute. She was really good at it.

Mark Normand 9:23 Good flute.

Shane Gillis 9:24 Who else is doing rock flute? It went to the '70s, then nothing till today.

Ari Shaffir 9:28 Did they have ... They fucking ... They also must have, like, greenlit it. Like, it's not like it was her idea.

Mark Normand 9:33 Of course they greenlit it.

Ari Shaffir 9:34 Yeah, but that was the thing is it was the gay ... They were saying it was fucking liberal ass ... Liberal S- Smithsonian. Liberal-ass Smithsonian. So they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute of a slave owner?

Mark Normand 9:45 That's a good press.

Ari Shaffir 9:45 Is that right?

Mark Normand 9:45 No.

Shane Gillis 9:46 A president.

Ari Shaffir 9:46 Yes, they did. A president.

Mark Normand 9:47 Yeah, they wanted to be like, "We did it."

Ari Shaffir 9:49 Mm.

Mark Normand 9:50 And then, uh-

Ari Shaffir 9:51 But kinda didn't they do it? Like, like-

Mark Normand 9:52 Didn't they do it, though?

Ari Shaffir 9:53 ... isn't that, like, okay to celebrate? Like, isn't it o- (laughs) I mean, isn't that a f- a weird thing?

Mark Normand 9:58 I know. I agree.

10:00 Wow.

10:00 I take it-

Ari Shaffir 10:00 It is a weird thing. I mean, it sh- it's kinda pretty badass that, like, one of the most famous-

Shane Gillis 10:06 Imagine being-

Mark Normand 10:06 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 10:06 ... Black artists is playing a-

Shane Gillis 10:07 ... is playing a flute.

Ari Shaffir 10:08 ... is playing a flute of a guy who owned slaves.

Shane Gillis 10:09 Imagine being at the concert-

Mark Normand 10:11 That's the best, that's the most American thing possible.

Ari Shaffir 10:12 Yeah, it's pretty fucking American.

Mark Normand 10:13 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 10:14 Imagine being at the concert and this guy's ... she's playing a fucking president's flute, and you're the audience to go, "I don't know how I feel about this."

Mark Normand 10:20 Well, nobody in the audience-

Shane Gillis 10:21 Instead of going, "This rules. This rules."

Mark Normand 10:22 Yeah, but then I saw it on Twitter and I had a couple drinks and I was looking at it and I was going, "I don't know how I feel about this."

Ari Shaffir 10:27 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 10:27 At the show, it would've been like, "This is ... I was at the show where she played the fucking president's flute."

Mark Normand 10:32 Hmm.

Ari Shaffir 10:33 Yeah.

Mark Normand 10:33 Mmm.

Shane Gillis 10:33 That is cool.

Mark Normand 10:34 They're not doing that in Germany.

Ari Shaffir 10:36 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 10:36 They're not doing it in Germany.

Mark Normand 10:37 They're not playing, uh-

Ari Shaffir 10:38 They'd break out Hitler's harmonica. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 10:41 Harvey Weinstein tunes.

Ari Shaffir 10:41 It really all depends upon your, your reverence for the thing, right?

Mark Normand 10:46 This is Hitler's fucking harmonica.

Shane Gillis 10:46 (laughs)

Mark Normand 10:46 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 10:46 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 10:46 He's just doing the fucking Imperial March on harmonica.

Mark Normand 10:49 Although I will say if, if some Jew ripped a fucking electric guitar that owned ... that Hitler owned, it would be sick.

Shane Gillis 10:54 It would be cool.

Ari Shaffir 10:55 Yeah.

Mark Normand 10:55 Or Monica Lewinsky.

Ari Shaffir 10:59 Like, if somebody let Paul McCartney play Napoleon's piano.

Shane Gillis 11:02 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 11:03 I mean, that would be pretty fucking dope to watch.

Shane Gillis 11:05 It'd be cool.

Mark Normand 11:05 Wait, did he attack us?

Ari Shaffir 11:07 Napoleon?

Mark Normand 11:08 I don't think he ever touched America.

Shane Gillis 11:09 The Beatles?

Ari Shaffir 11:10 No.

Shane Gillis 11:10 The Beatles took over America.

Ari Shaffir 11:11 They took over Americans' youth.

Shane Gillis 11:13 That's right.

Mark Normand 11:13 Yeah, they did.

Ari Shaffir 11:14 And they ruined it.

Mark Normand 11:15 Well, they stole Black rock and roll, and then they came over here and corrupted our sluts.

Ari Shaffir 11:20 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 11:21 (laughs)

Mark Normand 11:21 Oh, the Brits?

Joe Rogan 11:22 (hip hop music)

Ari Shaffir 11:23 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 11:23 (laughs)

Mark Normand 11:24 The Beatles?

Ari Shaffir 11:25 Bro, their fucking story from Hamburg is like one of the wildest stories ever.

Shane Gillis 11:29 What?

Ari Shaffir 11:30 They went over to Hamburg, Germany, and, and they, they played like six days a week, eight hours a day.

Mark Normand 11:35 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 11:35 They, for eight weeks-

Shane Gillis 11:37 Eight days a week.

Mark Normand 11:37 In small clubs.

Ari Shaffir 11:37 ... for like two years.

Mark Normand 11:40 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 11:40 And they came back to Liverpool and everybody's like, "What the fuck?"... happened?

Mark Normand 11:44 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 11:44 Hey.

11:45 How are you guys so good?

11:46 They got good.

Mark Normand 11:47 If you drink that, I'm gonna punch you in the stomach.

Ari Shaffir 11:49 Water? You don't like h- that he drinks water?

Mark Normand 11:51 No.

Ari Shaffir 11:51 Oh, Ari.

11:51 What are you doing, man?

Mark Normand 11:52 Oh, that's his studio.

Ari Shaffir 11:54 Ari, that's like, that's stolen from a stream somewhere.

11:57 What are you doing, pouring that out for the Hamas people?

11:59 That's... Don't, don't do that.

Mark Normand 12:00 What are you doing now?

Ari Shaffir 12:01 Ari, don't piss in that. Go to the bathroom, man.

Mark Normand 12:03 I will.

Ari Shaffir 12:04 Go to the bathroom.

12:05 Go to the bathroom.

12:05 What is he doing?

Mark Normand 12:05 I don't know.

Ari Shaffir 12:06 Ari, come on.

12:07 Oh.

Mark Normand 12:08 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 12:08 Jesus Christ, dude.

12:10 Man, what the fuck? This is really-

Mark Normand 12:10 What happened? You bugged one... Ew, your piss is so yellow. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 12:13 It's really leveled up.

12:14 This is so unnecessary.

Mark Normand 12:15 Ew, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 12:16 Oh, man.

12:16 You're so unhydrated. I know that's not vitamins, but-

Mark Normand 12:18 This is way worse than Lizzo.

Ari Shaffir 12:20 Okay, squeeze it.

12:21 Oh.

Mark Normand 12:21 If you... Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 12:22 Now get outta here, man.

Mark Normand 12:23 Fuck you up.

Ari Shaffir 12:23 Put it down, put it down.

12:24 Madison's flute.

12:24 Ari, you gonna top it off? (laughs)

Mark Normand 12:27 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 12:27 He's topping it off-

12:28 Oh.

12:28 ... like we're at a gas station.

12:30 Man.

12:31 Jamie, I hope you're getting a zoom on this.

12:33 Get a go-

Mark Normand 12:33 No, no, no. Cut this out.

Ari Shaffir 12:34 Go Asian porn.

Mark Normand 12:34 Why, why are you doing this?

Ari Shaffir 12:36 Why are we getting this?

Mark Normand 12:36 In Sweden, they love this.

Ari Shaffir 12:37 Blur that out with Asian porn.

12:37 Get a zoom on this sematic head.

Mark Normand 12:40 Why are you doing this?

Shane Gillis 12:41 Because I had to fucking pee, and I didn't know how much I had in my-

Mark Normand 12:44 I had to pee guys.

Ari Shaffir 12:44 Ari, just go out. No, don't piss in the fucking-

Mark Normand 12:47 Not on one of the live streams.

Ari Shaffir 12:48 Oh.

12:48 No, no. That's good liquor. You're not gonna make it. It's also a small hole. You're gonna make a problem.

Mark Normand 12:52 I've done this-

Ari Shaffir 12:53 All right.

Mark Normand 12:53 ... plenty of times.

Ari Shaffir 12:54 Now I agree with Dr. Gay.

Shane Gillis 12:56 (laughs)

Mark Normand 12:57 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 12:57 I agree with all of them.

Mark Normand 12:58 This is fucked up, dude.

Ari Shaffir 13:00 This is horrible.

13:01 I have to pee too.

13:01 You're ruining Harvard. Oh.

13:02 I'm gonna get up-

13:03 Did I beat ya?

13:03 And I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Mark Normand 13:03 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 13:04 Jay, be a man. Do it this. Joe.

Mark Normand 13:05 Oh, Joe.

Ari Shaffir 13:05 I beat you, fatty on the, uh, on the piss.

13:09 Shaking it at the end, Ari.

Mark Normand 13:10 Joe, he thought it was a competition.

Ari Shaffir 13:12 Oh.

Mark Normand 13:13 He's saying-

Shane Gillis 13:13 No.

Mark Normand 13:13 ... he's gonna beat you.

Shane Gillis 13:14 That's a lot of urine.

Ari Shaffir 13:15 I got out urinated.

Shane Gillis 13:16 (laughs)

Mark Normand 13:16 Told you. It's more urine than I expected, I'll be honest.

Ari Shaffir 13:19 What are you doing?

13:20 I can go longer without peeing.

13:21 You could-

13:22 I was a bed wetter.

13:23 ... or we could both die trying.

13:25 Well-

Mark Normand 13:25 Why don't you actually drink this time?

Ari Shaffir 13:27 I've had six of these.

13:28 You're fucking-

13:29 I've four drinks.

Mark Normand 13:30 Four drink competition.

Ari Shaffir 13:30 Three beers.

13:32 Well, now you gotta hold it 'cause-

Shane Gillis 13:33 The competition's all ruined because Ari just pissed in front of us. (laughs)

Mark Normand 13:36 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:36 That's true.

Mark Normand 13:37 Why'd you do that?

Ari Shaffir 13:38 Because he's a psycho.

Mark Normand 13:40 I just wanna get off. I just wanna get off. I hate it.

Ari Shaffir 13:40 I've seen Ari piss more than I've seen any other man piss-

Mark Normand 13:44 Ugh.

Ari Shaffir 13:44 ... in the entire 56 years I've been alive.

Mark Normand 13:46 You should have seen no one piss. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:48 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 13:48 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:48 (laughs)

Mark Normand 13:48 And I'd like-

Ari Shaffir 13:50 I've seen Ari piss on air.

Mark Normand 13:52 ... if I clenched it.

Ari Shaffir 13:53 (laughs)

13:53 If like you had a pie chart of all the times I've seen men piss-

13:55 That's a lot of piss.

Shane Gillis 13:56 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:56 ... it would be like Ari-

Mark Normand 13:58 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 13:58 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 13:58 ... and a few fucking drunken shadows in the back alleyway of a bar where a bunch of guys are pissing together.

Mark Normand 14:05 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 14:05 You're Ari Kelly.

14:06 It would mostly be Ari pissing.

Shane Gillis 14:10 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 14:11 (laughs)

Mark Normand 14:11 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 14:11 This is just easier.

Ari Shaffir 14:13 You can piss, man.

Mark Normand 14:13 It's not easier.

Ari Shaffir 14:14 Ari's like, "What? Why do you have a bathroom right here?"

Mark Normand 14:17 You like it. You're a sex freak.

Ari Shaffir 14:17 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 14:17 "Why do you have a..."

Mark Normand 14:18 Then I piss in my own house in a bottle.

Ari Shaffir 14:20 The other day, I had to pee and I was leaving, I was like, "It is kind of a good point. I have to do all this all over again."

Mark Normand 14:23 (laughs) Yeah, finally he saw it.

Shane Gillis 14:25 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 14:25 You finally saw it.

Mark Normand 14:26 "Stop it."

Ari Shaffir 14:26 Good point.

Shane Gillis 14:27 "I can't hear what you're saying."

Mark Normand 14:29 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 14:29 (laughs)

14:29 (laughs) The piss tapes.

14:30 (laughs)

Mark Normand 14:31 You know who has it good, is, uh, Stanhope has a urinal right outside of his bar at his house.

Shane Gillis 14:36 Really?

Mark Normand 14:36 Outside.

Ari Shaffir 14:37 Oh, his house?

Mark Normand 14:37 It's just his... It's, uh, literally a urinal attached. There's no piping, it's just to the fence.

Shane Gillis 14:41 (laughs)

Mark Normand 14:41 That goes outside.

Shane Gillis 14:42 That's hilarious. Yeah, that's hilarious.

Mark Normand 14:44 Yeah, it's a good one.

Ari Shaffir 14:46 I hope he's all right, though. I, I know-

Shane Gillis 14:47 He's great.

Mark Normand 14:47 I think he's doing, I think he's doing good.

Shane Gillis 14:49 He's great.

Ari Shaffir 14:50 Is he, is he cutting back a little?

Mark Normand 14:51 I think he cut back.

Shane Gillis 14:52 Hey.

Mark Normand 14:53 No, that's not him. That's not him. Stay on it.

Ari Shaffir 14:55 He's had your good days and he had your better days.

Mark Normand 14:56 I think he chilled on s- smoking cigs, right?

Ari Shaffir 14:59 Yes, he did. Yeah.

Mark Normand 14:59 And then somebody just told me he killed.

Ari Shaffir 15:02 Yes.

15:02 Oh, good.

15:03 He opened up for Burt in, uh-

Mark Normand 15:04 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 15:04 ... Worcester.

15:05 Oh.

Mark Normand 15:05 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 15:05 He went out there as the mayor of Worcester.

15:07 Ah, it's his hometown, I believe.

15:08 And Burt, Burt's been destroyed. Yeah.

Mark Normand 15:09 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 15:09 So he's like Worcester standup. He has like Worcester material.

Mark Normand 15:13 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 15:13 (laughs)

15:13 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 15:13 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:14 Hell yeah.

Mark Normand 15:14 Just material from Worcester.

Shane Gillis 15:16 But I love him to death, man. He's one of my favorite people that I've ever known. He fully pissed on my fucking...

Ari Shaffir 15:22 Look at him. Look at the mayor of Worcester. (laughs)

15:24 Yeah, he looks good. He's having a good time.

Mark Normand 15:25 Yeah, he does look good.

Ari Shaffir 15:27 He's an animal.

15:28 He's great. He's got some of the best standup, like just over the years.

Mark Normand 15:33 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:33 Uh, what is it? Uh, the one-

15:35 Well, great-

15:35 No refunds.

15:36 He's got great points, you know.

Mark Normand 15:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:37 No refunds is like a all time-

Shane Gillis 15:38 I saw him at King King in Hollywood, and he goes, "You know, I make fun of everybody. People ask me like, 'How come you don't make fun of Jews?'" And I thought about it, and I was like, "I mean, that's that's a decent point. Here's 35 minutes on Jews."

Ari Shaffir 15:52 (laughs)

Mark Normand 15:52 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 15:52 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 15:52 And he just went off. It was so fucking great.

Ari Shaffir 15:53 That Jew chunk is incredible.

Mark Normand 15:54 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 15:55 It's a masterpiece.

Shane Gillis 15:56 His what?

Ari Shaffir 15:56 The Jew chunk he has.

Shane Gillis 15:58 Yeah. Oh my God.

Ari Shaffir 15:59 He's just the real deal.

Shane Gillis 16:00 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:01 Yeah.

16:01 He's great. He's a great comic, he's a great guy. What you see is what you get.

Shane Gillis 16:04 Yeah, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:04 There's no hidden bullshit. He is who he is, 24/7.

Shane Gillis 16:07 Fashion wise, I love it.

Ari Shaffir 16:08 Yeah. He's just... He went silly.

Mark Normand 16:10 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:10 Like, and he went silly in our lifetime. Like, it like happened someday.

Mark Normand 16:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:15 One day, he started wearing these suits. And I'm like, "What are you doing with the suits?"

Mark Normand 16:18 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:18 And he's like, "Oh, fucking went to the thrift store."

Shane Gillis 16:21 Thrift store.

Mark Normand 16:21 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:22 "I got some suits. I like it."

16:23 Oh, yeah.

16:24 "I like, I like it too."

Shane Gillis 16:25 I like... He's just saying, "Hey guys, I'm not gonna take any of this seriously."

Ari Shaffir 16:29 "Yeah, I'm having fun."

16:30 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 16:31 He just, "I won't do it."

Ari Shaffir 16:32 He's having fun.

16:32 Yeah.

Mark Normand 16:32 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:32 He sold out, uh... When I started comedy, it was like, the internet was still weird.

Mark Normand 16:37 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 16:37 But he was all over it, and he couldn't get a thing on Netflix or whatever, and he just sold out all these theaters in New York, and we all went to every show.

Mark Normand 16:45 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 16:45 And it was great, but I didn't know you could do that. You needed gatekeepers back then. You needed to get Comedy Central or Tonight Show.

Shane Gillis 16:52 He sold Gatekeepers.

Ari Shaffir 16:53 Huh?

Shane Gillis 16:53 No.

Mark Normand 16:54 Well, somewhere along the line, people realized that, that they can become the gatekeepers.

Ari Shaffir 16:58 Yeah.

Mark Normand 16:59 And that's what we're doing.

Ari Shaffir 17:01 Exactly.

Shane Gillis 17:01 Well, he had that, uh, he had an offer-

Ari Shaffir 17:02 We did it first.

Shane Gillis 17:02 ... from San Jose Improv.

Ari Shaffir 17:03 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 17:03 Like, "We'll give you 2,500 for the week." He goes, "I can do that in one night at a bar show."

Ari Shaffir 17:07 Right.

Shane Gillis 17:07 Then he goes, "Oh wait, I can do that at one night at a bar show."

Ari Shaffir 17:09 Yeah, and then he started doing that everywhere.

Mark Normand 17:10 He started to go everywhere. Yeah, I'll just do that.

Ari Shaffir 17:11 Yeah, he got a mailing list. He, and he also just-

17:14 Yeah.

17:14 ... like stayed himself.

Shane Gillis 17:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 17:16 Yeah. No matter what happened, he just stayed himself. He figured out a way to stay himself, and not everybody does, man. We were talking about this last night, like, like negative examples. People just went off the rails.

Shane Gillis 17:25 Off the rails.

Ari Shaffir 17:26 It's just like you gotta figure out a way to go through all, whatever the fuck you're going through and say, "Okay, this is what's happening to me, but I'm still me."... you know? And, and some guys can't do it, man.

Shane Gillis 17:38 Yeah, they try to be something.

Joe Rogan 17:39 You get a brand going, you gotta keep it up and it's ... you can't keep it up forever.

Ari Shaffir 17:43 That's so exhausting.

Shane Gillis 17:43 Brand? Why do you have to brand? I get it but it's like-

Joe Rogan 17:46 (laughs) You could just piss in a bottle.

Ari Shaffir 17:47 (laughs) Yeah, that's your brand, dumbass. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 17:49 And not people are gonna be mad and go like, "Why are you going to the bathroom?" And say, "You piss in bottles."

Joe Rogan 17:53 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 17:53 It's your brand, dumbass. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 17:55 I mean, what are you talking about?

Joe Rogan 17:56 That is your thing but that's a smart brand.

Shane Gillis 17:58 Except this was brought to you by Buffalo Strays.

Ari Shaffir 17:59 Pull out the plastic one, that's way more impressive. That little tiny bottle of piss.

Joe Rogan 18:01 If you drink it, if you drink it, you'll be the king of Skankfest.

Shane Gillis 18:04 Oh. No, no.

Joe Rogan 18:06 No. God, that was terrifying.

Shane Gillis 18:09 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 18:09 I almost vomited. Imagine if you drank it?

Joe Rogan 18:11 Jesus Christ.

Shane Gillis 18:12 Still warm. It's been in the ice, it's still fucking hot.

Joe Rogan 18:14 Then I would be the true king.

Ari Shaffir 18:14 This, this guy should be able to drink it. The guy who did, uh, the baby bird?

Shane Gillis 18:17 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 18:18 He could drink it.

Shane Gillis 18:18 He goes, "I'll eat all this if I get an internship job (laughs) for free."

Joe Rogan 18:22 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 18:22 He said, "I have to make money." (laughs) He was already an intern.

Shane Gillis 18:26 Oh, really? I thought he was gonna hire him as an intern.

Joe Rogan 18:28 He just didn't know that's how ... He was there.

Ari Shaffir 18:29 There was nothing to gain.

Joe Rogan 18:30 He did it for the props.

Shane Gillis 18:31 Nothing to gain.

Joe Rogan 18:31 He did it for the props.

Shane Gillis 18:32 And he got the props.

Joe Rogan 18:33 But if the, if this is your-

Ari Shaffir 18:34 But he's a legend.

Joe Rogan 18:35 Your brand is this, you gotta be this 'cause you're already 71.

Shane Gillis 18:39 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:40 So you gotta be this guy-

Ari Shaffir 18:41 I, I gotta pee.

Joe Rogan 18:42 ... all the way.

Ari Shaffir 18:42 You wanna go pee with me, N- Norman?

Joe Rogan 18:44 No, no, I'm here. I'm, I'm good.

Shane Gillis 18:44 You can call the truce. Okay, you win.

Joe Rogan 18:46 I'm very comfortable.

Ari Shaffir 18:47 All right, you win.

Joe Rogan 18:48 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 18:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 18:49 Clip it.

Shane Gillis 18:50 You know what's fun? Fucking ass at Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan 18:53 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 18:53 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 18:53 He was so nice.

Joe Rogan 18:54 That was fun.

Ari Shaffir 18:54 You were a different guy.

Shane Gillis 18:55 That was fun.

Ari Shaffir 18:56 Yo, he literally ... We were standing there with Jamie and he was like, "Jamie's the best."

Joe Rogan 19:00 (laughs) Yeah. He was so heartfelt.

Ari Shaffir 19:01 You remember that, Jamie?

Joe Rogan 19:02 I didn't hear that.

Shane Gillis 19:03 Yeah. I know. Jamie, you went home and jacked off to that compliment. Jamie, how hard did you jack off to? Who s- scale of seven to ten?

Joe Rogan 19:09 Just last night or today?

Shane Gillis 19:10 Just last night, I thought it.

Joe Rogan 19:12 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 19:12 Jamie, oh, low-key funny.

Ari Shaffir 19:15 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 19:15 Low-key.

Joe Rogan 19:16 America.

Shane Gillis 19:18 Oh my God.

Ari Shaffir 19:18 K-pop.

Shane Gillis 19:18 Jamie, you are such a bitch, dude. Now that Joe's not here, I'm gonna tell you the truth, I hate you.

Joe Rogan 19:22 Well, fuck, if this is gonna get deleted.

Ari Shaffir 19:23 This ass is fucking ... (laughs)

Shane Gillis 19:23 Now that Joe's not here, I'm gonna tell you the truth, I fucking hate you.

Joe Rogan 19:26 Don't be nasty, Jamie. All right. You're a virgin. Can't get it up.

Shane Gillis 19:28 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 19:28 Jamie, you got a little bitch tiny penis, dude. Fuck you.

Joe Rogan 19:31 Oh.

Shane Gillis 19:31 Did you see that fucking ... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:32 Oh, Xi- Jinping. Keep it going, bully.

Ari Shaffir 19:35 Shut up, dude. You're fucking Dr. Gay, dude. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:39 You keep bullying me.

Ari Shaffir 19:41 I don't bully you, dude.

Joe Rogan 19:42 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 19:42 You and me are friends.

Joe Rogan 19:43 He's gonna shoot up a school.

Shane Gillis 19:43 He's like a real FSU fan over here.

Joe Rogan 19:45 Whoa. FU.

Ari Shaffir 19:46 Yo.

Shane Gillis 19:47 No, they deserve to be in.

Ari Shaffir 19:48 But we're OSU.

Shane Gillis 19:49 He's an Ohio State fan.

Joe Rogan 19:49 He's a travesty, he's an Ohio State travesty. Yeah, we don't deserve to be in.

Shane Gillis 19:52 No.

Ari Shaffir 19:52 He tried to bully me. He bullied me earlier in the football season 'cause he knows I like Notre Dame Foot- Notre Dame Fighting Irish and then he tried to bully me, and then his team got butt-fucked-

Shane Gillis 20:01 Ohio State would've been in the top 15 playoffs.

Ari Shaffir 20:02 ... in front of everybody and e- everybody laughed at them.

Joe Rogan 20:04 Who's your team? The Seattle Storm?

Ari Shaffir 20:06 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 20:08 All right. This year, I'm a Michigan football fan.

Ari Shaffir 20:11 Really?

Shane Gillis 20:11 Yeah, this year.

Ari Shaffir 20:12 That's funny 'cause they are literally the Jewish team.

Joe Rogan 20:14 Are they?

Shane Gillis 20:15 Yeah. A lot of M- a lot of Jews go to Michigan.

Joe Rogan 20:18 Really?

Ari Shaffir 20:18 Yeah, it's the Jewish team.

Shane Gillis 20:19 A lot of Mich- Jews go there.

Joe Rogan 20:20 Uh.

Shane Gillis 20:21 I'm also a Tottenham Hotspurs fan.

Joe Rogan 20:23 The ultimate.

Shane Gillis 20:23 You know? Yid Army.

Ari Shaffir 20:24 Yeah, the ultimate. Yeah.

Shane Gillis 20:25 Yeah. I was in, I was in Edinburgh, they were like, "You gotta start watching f- uh, football league." And they're like, "Which team?" "Arsenal." And somebody goes, "No, Tottenham." They go, they're like ... (clicks tongue) Yeah, Tottenham is right.

Ari Shaffir 20:33 Tottenham?

Shane Gillis 20:33 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 20:34 Especially with that beard.

Shane Gillis 20:36 Yid Army, what's up?

Joe Rogan 20:38 Calum a Jew.

Ari Shaffir 20:39 What'd I miss?

Shane Gillis 20:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 20:41 Uh, antisemitism.

Ari Shaffir 20:41 Yeah, not much. Everybody talk about how cool you are on acid.

Shane Gillis 20:43 Ah.

Joe Rogan 20:44 Jamie's a bitch.

Ari Shaffir 20:45 No, we were j- we were just supporting Jamo.

Joe Rogan 20:47 Shane was starting to get real nasty. It's a good thing you came in.

Shane Gillis 20:49 Shane was getting nasty.

Ari Shaffir 20:50 Now you get nasty.

Joe Rogan 20:51 Jamo.

Ari Shaffir 20:51 I was not getting nasty.

Shane Gillis 20:52 Shane claims nastiness in others a lot-

Ari Shaffir 20:54 Joe, don't listen.

Shane Gillis 20:54 ... but he's quite often nasty.

Ari Shaffir 20:55 Do you think YouTube would allow us to show piss on your desk?

Joe Rogan 20:59 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 20:59 Yeah, like right this.

Ari Shaffir 21:00 Just piss?

Joe Rogan 21:00 Just gotta cover the dick head.

Shane Gillis 21:02 We'll make it as the seventh day of Hanukkah.

Ari Shaffir 21:03 Is ... Oh, don't be sacrilegious.

Joe Rogan 21:06 Ah. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 21:07 Please don't be sacrilegious.

Shane Gillis 21:09 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:09 Menorah. Labia majora. Oh.

Ari Shaffir 21:12 Oh, Ari. Jesus Christ. I can't believe I have to handle your piss bottle.

Shane Gillis 21:16 Thank God for plastics.

Joe Rogan 21:18 Oh. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 21:19 It's, it's so warm you're gonna die real soon.

Shane Gillis 21:22 That's a first.

Joe Rogan 21:22 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 21:23 Whatever's going on inside you can't be fixed by science.

Joe Rogan 21:25 That could be chlamydia.

Ari Shaffir 21:27 Bro, it's everything.

Joe Rogan 21:28 I've peed, I've peed in a cup once and they were like, "You have it."

Shane Gillis 21:30 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:30 They threw out the cup.

Ari Shaffir 21:31 It just looked bad.

Joe Rogan 21:32 That was tough.

Shane Gillis 21:32 Oh, really? Scarlet letter season will fucking end up-

Ari Shaffir 21:34 How'd they know? How'd they know?

Joe Rogan 21:35 They were like, "This is too warm to be healthy."

Ari Shaffir 21:38 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 21:38 Then you got chlamydia.

Ari Shaffir 21:39 That's why you get boiling piss.

Joe Rogan 21:40 Boiling.

Ari Shaffir 21:41 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 21:43 Remember when you first got chlamydia and you're pissing in two directions? You're like, "Something's up. I don't know what it is."

Joe Rogan 21:47 "Something's up." Uh.

Ari Shaffir 21:48 I never got it.

Joe Rogan 21:49 Honorable discharge.

Shane Gillis 21:50 Go get it.

Ari Shaffir 21:50 Bro, how weird, how weird is it-

Shane Gillis 21:51 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 21:52 It's going around. Steaming right along. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 21:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 21:55 How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex?

Shane Gillis 22:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:00 AIDS?

Shane Gillis 22:01 That's God.

Joe Rogan 22:01 No, that's other ones.

Shane Gillis 22:03 No, AIDS. AIDS, chlamydia, herpes-

Ari Shaffir 22:04 AIDS is definitely one.

Shane Gillis 22:05 ... herpes.

Joe Rogan 22:05 But no, that's needles too.

Shane Gillis 22:07 Eh.

Ari Shaffir 22:07 Yeah. Well, that's any ...

Shane Gillis 22:08 I'll quote Sam Kinison. Name one. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 22:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:13 Well, you got chlamydia, gonorrhea-

Ari Shaffir 22:15 Sam, they say it's, they say it's an infectious disease.

Shane Gillis 22:16 Chlamydia, gonorrhea-

Joe Rogan 22:17 HPV.

Shane Gillis 22:18 ... HPV, herpes, AIDS.

Ari Shaffir 22:21 Are we getting today at STDs?

Shane Gillis 22:21 Yep, only transmitted, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 22:22 But the wild ones are the ones that kill you, like syphilis kills you.

Shane Gillis 22:25 Syphilis.

Joe Rogan 22:26 Slowly.

Ari Shaffir 22:26 It makes you have holes in your face and you see your fucking jawbone and shit.

Joe Rogan 22:30 Is that right?

Shane Gillis 22:31 What? That sounds gross, though.

Joe Rogan 22:32 That's what I heard, or Roger Ebert has that.

Shane Gillis 22:35 For real.

Ari Shaffir 22:35 Bro, syphilis is-

Joe Rogan 22:35 I bet it was worth it, though. I bet it was worth it.

Shane Gillis 22:35 It was worth it.

Ari Shaffir 22:36 Syphilis was the one of the ones they brought back-

Joe Rogan 22:39 You fuck a syphilis lady?

Ari Shaffir 22:39 ... from Native Americans. That's the one that fucked up Eur-

Joe Rogan 22:42 Really?

Ari Shaffir 22:42 Yes.

Shane Gillis 22:42 They had it?

Ari Shaffir 22:43 Yeah. What happened was they had a form of it that existed in Europe that, from people fucking animals-

Shane Gillis 22:49 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 22:49 ... but then they got another one when people went over to North America- Yeah, the combo. ... and they fucked Native Americans that had it.

Shane Gillis 22:55 It was a combo.

Ari Shaffir 22:56 And then they went back and brought it to Europe. There seems to be some real evidence in the 1400s that it started happening.

Shane Gillis 23:01 Combo. Combination.

Ari Shaffir 23:01 Like right after guys went back from Na- from North America.

Joe Rogan 23:05 Damn.

Ari Shaffir 23:05 And then they started getting, and the people started getting, like, holes in their head and shit, their, they, they have holes in their faces. There's like these really ancient drawings of what people looked like when they were suffering from syphilis.

Joe Rogan 23:16 Imagine-

Ari Shaffir 23:17 Ooh, that's scary, dude.

Joe Rogan 23:17 ... fucking a hot Choctaw back then, though. That must've been hot.

Shane Gillis 23:22 One liter, mate.

Joe Rogan 23:22 If you don't speak the same language, you're just banging some lady in a teepee.

Ari Shaffir 23:26 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 23:26 That's wild.

Ari Shaffir 23:27 And then you get some disease, it makes holes in your fucking scalp.

Joe Rogan 23:31 Yikes.

Ari Shaffir 23:31 This is, show images of people dying from syphilis, Jamie, like with-

Joe Rogan 23:35 Scalping.

Ari Shaffir 23:35 ... holes in their head. Did you, what'd you do? Take the piss jug?

Shane Gillis 23:38 I just ruled him.

Ari Shaffir 23:39 Oh.

Shane Gillis 23:41 I didn't know you could get a STD from a Native American.

Ari Shaffir 23:45 And again, I'm not exactly sure about the syphilis thing.

Shane Gillis 23:47 We had to hang out first.

Ari Shaffir 23:47 I've been told two different things. I've been told that it existed already, but then I've been told that it's also-

Shane Gillis 23:52 It mutated?

Ari Shaffir 23:53 ... there's different strains. That the one that existed in Europe was very different than the one that existed in North America.

Shane Gillis 23:57 Imagine instead of going to the fucking doctor at the Bob Hope Clinic, you had to take a rod down your fucking cock hole.

Ari Shaffir 24:03 (gasps)

Shane Gillis 24:03 And they didn't have antibiotics back then.

Ari Shaffir 24:05 (sighs)

Shane Gillis 24:05 And guys are still going for it.

Ari Shaffir 24:07 They had to.

Shane Gillis 24:08 Guys are still like-

24:09 Whoa!

Ari Shaffir 24:09 I'd rather not use a condom.

Shane Gillis 24:10 Look at the holes on people's faces.

24:11 Shit.

Ari Shaffir 24:11 What? Yeah, this is an old, old picture.

Shane Gillis 24:12 Imagine going to church with that on your face and being like, "Nah, it's, uh, from a toilet seat."

24:16 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 24:17 This is also how Al Capone died. Al Capone died of syphilis.

Shane Gillis 24:20 Rotted his brain.

Ari Shaffir 24:21 Yeah, well-

Shane Gillis 24:22 Really?

Ari Shaffir 24:22 Look at ... Uh, Jamey, show photographs of people, uh, dying from syphilis. It's fucking terrifying, man.

Shane Gillis 24:29 Really?

Ari Shaffir 24:29 It like, makes you rot holes in your fucking head.

Shane Gillis 24:32 And now we gots, we got, uh, penicillin.

24:34 Oh, no nose.

Ari Shaffir 24:34 Yeah, look at that guy. Look at that guy's head.

Shane Gillis 24:36 Oh!

Ari Shaffir 24:36 Look at the top of his fucking head, man.

Shane Gillis 24:39 Oh.

24:39 Oh.

24:39 Man.

24:40 That's what Krokodil does.

Ari Shaffir 24:41 Yeah, real similar.

Shane Gillis 24:43 Who?

24:43 Krokodil.

24:43 What's that?

Ari Shaffir 24:44 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 24:44 It's a Russian drug. Eats away at your skin, through your exposed bone.

Ari Shaffir 24:47 Look at that guy's fucking face is gone.

Shane Gillis 24:49 It's a kid.

Ari Shaffir 24:50 Wow.

Shane Gillis 24:50 What are you gonna go ... Why dress up?

24:51 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 24:51 Jesus.

Shane Gillis 24:51 Why even wear a button down shirt?

24:53 Oh, Christ.

24:53 If you're gonna have that?

Ari Shaffir 24:54 God, that's so terrifying.

Shane Gillis 24:55 Ah.

24:55 Why else are you gonna wear a T-shirt?

Ari Shaffir 24:57 That's a terrifying disease, man.

Shane Gillis 24:59 How did the kid get it?

25:00 How did he stay still for a fucking draw up?

Ari Shaffir 25:02 Well, dude, there's a bunch of different diseases that before things like penicillin, they just killed everyone.

Shane Gillis 25:08 Penicillin ruled, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:08 They just killed you. Before they come, came up with antibiotics, people were fucked. Do you know that if the Spanish Flu happened today-

Shane Gillis 25:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:16 ... that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics?

Shane Gillis 25:20 Really?

25:21 Damn.

Ari Shaffir 25:21 Yeah, I was listening to this podcast. They were discussing what was the cause of the deaths of Spanish Flu. And that it was, uh, a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune system from the flu. Like, you're getting devastated by this flu, and then you get like emphysema or, or something, tuberculosis or something like that. But they were saying that whatever these diseases were, in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they would give you antibiotics.

Shane Gillis 25:47 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 25:47 And you'd probably survive.

Shane Gillis 25:48 Yeah.

25:48 Do they gotta be with COVID 100 years from now? Like, just give them, like, muscle photalpheteramines.

Ari Shaffir 25:53 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 25:53 Well, if it's Spanish Flu, it would just kill everybody.

25:55 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 25:55 There could ... The, the COVID thing was a ... There was a lot going on with it. It's a different thing.

Shane Gillis 25:59 Yeah, but I'm saying, wouldn't they have some new medical thing? They're like, "Oh, you just give them a shot of this and it's fine."

Ari Shaffir 26:02 Oh, 100%. They definitely would.

Shane Gillis 26:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:04 But then it also would be like, "Why was everybody so sick?"

Shane Gillis 26:07 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 26:08 "Why was everybody so vulnerable?"

Shane Gillis 26:10 Yikes. We're lucky to be alive now and in this country.

Ari Shaffir 26:14 Dude, we're also, we, like what the COVID thing should-

Shane Gillis 26:17 Be in a fucking year mark.

Ari Shaffir 26:17 ... wake people the fuck up too is that this whole thing is super fragile. And you think it's not because it's not right now. 'Cause right now, Ari can cough and I could fucking unzip my, or pull my fucking cord, and adjust my seat and everything's fine. But if right while all this is going on, we got hit by an asteroid (laughs) -

Shane Gillis 26:35 Yeah.

26:35 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 26:35 Like, right now.

Shane Gillis 26:36 Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. All your safety ... Oh, I just did 10 push-ups. That ain't gonna help you now.

Ari Shaffir 26:40 Yeah. We could just be chilling, and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance, like boom. And that's a five-mile-wide chunk of iron hitting China. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 26:54 (laughs)

26:54 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 26:54 And then the whole world is fucked. The whole world is fucked for a million years.

Shane Gillis 26:59 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:00 And we probably don't survive. And what probably survives is crows. Crow, crows probably evolve and crows- I hope it's just crows and cats. Crows grow thumbs and their wings start having hands on them-

Shane Gillis 27:11 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:11 ... and they start making buildings.

Shane Gillis 27:12 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:13 Just like humans came out of shrews.

Shane Gillis 27:16 I was just in Yucatan. They said the whole Gulf of Mexico is just the comet.

Ari Shaffir 27:19 You didn't know that?

Shane Gillis 27:20 Uh-huh.

Ari Shaffir 27:20 You stupid idiot.

Shane Gillis 27:20 And then all the cenotes-

27:22 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 27:22 (laughs) You didn't know that you stupid idiot?

Shane Gillis 27:24 (laughs)

27:24 Get the fuck away from me. You didn't know that already?

27:25 I didn't know that at all.

Ari Shaffir 27:26 You fucking dumbass.

Shane Gillis 27:28 Fucking shit, Seamus.

Ari Shaffir 27:30 Yeah, that was just a theory until like, I think the '80s.

Shane Gillis 27:33 Now that-

27:33 I think if you look at a fucking map.

27:35 It's obvious?

27:36 Kind of.

Ari Shaffir 27:37 Yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit. They had to figure out iridium. Iridium's the big one.

Shane Gillis 27:43 Ew.

27:44 We haven't had a-

27:45 Stop doing that, dude.

Ari Shaffir 27:46 Asteroid in a while.

Shane Gillis 27:46 Everybody's gonna use that.

Ari Shaffir 27:47 It's-

Shane Gillis 27:48 Or a comet.

Ari Shaffir 27:48 We haven't in a mile.

Shane Gillis 27:49 It sounded-

Ari Shaffir 27:49 But it's inevitable.

Shane Gillis 27:50 ... it sounded like Bowie's-

27:50 It's coming.

27:50 ... dick, you little rabbi.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 No, it's, it's 100% inevitable.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Same.

27:50 Just come. Just get us already.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Well, the thing is, it's like every June and every September, we go ... What is it? The Leonid, Leonid, uh, comet showers? We, we go through these things.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh.

27:50 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Every June or every November I think it is.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh.

27:50 How was that?

27:50 It hurts.

27:50 America is the best country on Earth.

27:50 It hurts the throat. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:50 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah, it hurts the throat. It's so cold.

27:50 Can you imagine how gay you'd feel if you were from another fucking country?

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Straight jail.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah, oh yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Look at that guy's head.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Look at the top of his fucking head, man.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh. Man.

27:50 Oh, that's what Krokodil does.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Yeah, real similar.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Who?

27:50 Krokodil.

27:50 What is that?

27:50 That Russian drug. Eats away at your skin, till you're exposed bone.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Look at that guy's fucking face is gone.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Wow.

27:50 It's a kid.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 What are you gonna go? Why dress up?

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Why even wear a button down shirt-

Shane Gillis 27:50 Jesus Christ.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 ... if you're gonna have that?

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah. That's so retarded.

27:50 What else are you gonna wear a T-shirt?

Ari Shaffir 27:50 That's a terrifying disease.

Shane Gillis 27:50 How did the kid get it?

27:50 How did he stay still for a fucking draw up?

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Dude, there's a bunch of different diseases that before things like penicillin, they just killed everyone.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Penicillin ruled. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 It just killed you. Before they come, came up with antibiotics, people were fucked. Do you know that if the Spanish Flu happened today-

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 ... that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics?

Shane Gillis 27:50 Really?

27:50 Damn.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Yeah, I was listening to this podcast. They were discussing what was the cause of the deaths of Spanish Flu. And that it was, uh, a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune system from the flu. Like, you're getting devastated by this flu and then you get like emphysema or, or something, tuberculosis or something like that. But they were saying that whatever these diseases were, in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they would give you antibiotics-

Shane Gillis 27:50 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 ... and you'd probably survive.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Do you think that'll be with COVID 100 years from now? Like, just give them like muscle photalpheteramines.

Joe Rogan 27:50 Well, if it's COVID thing should wake people the fuck up too is that this whole thing is super fragile. And you think it's not because it's not right now. Like, right now, Ari can cough and I could fucking unzip my, or pull my fucking cord, adjust my seat and everything's fine. Like, right while all this is going on, we got hit by an asteroid.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Oh yeah, yeah, exactly. All your safety ... Oh, I just did 10 push-ups. That ain't gonna help you now.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 We could just be chilling, and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance. Like, boom. And that's a five-mile-wide chunk of iron hitting China. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 27:50 (laughs)

27:50 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 27:50 And then the whole world is fucked. The whole world is fucked for a million years.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 And we probably don't survive. And what probably survives is crows. Crow, crows probably evolve and crows-

Shane Gillis 27:50 I hope it's just crows and cats.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Crows grow thumbs and their wings start having hands on them-

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 ... and they start making buildings.

Shane Gillis 27:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Just like humans came out of shrews.

Shane Gillis 27:50 I was just in Yucatan. They said the whole Gulf of Mexico is just a comet.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 You didn't know that?

Shane Gillis 27:50 Uh-huh.

27:50 Stupid idiot.

27:50 And all the cenotes-

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Yep.

Shane Gillis 27:50 (laughs)

27:50 Fuck me, dude.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 (laughs) You didn't know that already?

Shane Gillis 27:50 I didn't know that at all.

27:50 You didn't know that at all? You fucking dumbass.

27:50 Fucking shit, Seamus.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Yeah, that was just a theory until like, I think the '80s.

Shane Gillis 27:50 I think if you look at a fucking map.

27:50 It's obvious?

27:50 Kind of.

Ari Shaffir 27:50 Yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit. They had to figure out iridium. Iridium's the big one.

Shane Gillis 27:51 Ew.

27:51 We haven't had one in a-

27:51 Stop doing that, dude.

Ari Shaffir 27:51 Asteroid in a while.

Shane Gillis 27:51 Everybody's gonna use that.

27:51 Or a comet.

27:51 We haven't in a mile.

Ari Shaffir 27:51 It's down, but it's inevitable.

Shane Gillis 27:51 It's down-

27:51 It's coming.

27:51 It's Bowie's dick, you little rabbi.

Ari Shaffir 27:51 No, it's, it's 100% inevitable.

Shane Gillis 27:54 Same.

27:54 Just come. Just get us already.

Ari Shaffir 27:56 Well, the thing is, it's like every June and every September, we go ... What is it? The Leonid, Leonid, uh, comet showers. We, we go through these things.

Shane Gillis 28:06 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 28:06 Every June or every November I think it is.

Shane Gillis 28:08 (laughs)

28:09 Ugh.

Ari Shaffir 28:09 How was that?

Shane Gillis 28:10 It hurts.

28:11 America is the best country on Earth.

28:12 It hurts the throat.

Ari Shaffir 28:13 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 28:13 Yeah, it hurts the throat. It's so cold.

28:17 Can you imagine how gay you'd feel if you were from another fucking country?

Ari Shaffir 28:20 Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail.

Joe Rogan 28:24 We'd be in straight jail.

Shane Gillis 28:24 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:25 Straight jail.

Shane Gillis 28:25 Straight up jail, man.

28:27 You imagine how pissed the Taliban would be if we were in Afghanistan having fun like this?

Ari Shaffir 28:30 America.

Shane Gillis 28:31 Oh, God.

28:32 They hate our freedoms.

Ari Shaffir 28:33 Every, the left and the right would hate us.

Shane Gillis 28:34 They hate our freedoms.

Ari Shaffir 28:36 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 28:37 If we were in Afghanistan doing this, it'd be like, "First of all, you cussed."

28:40 They must watch our porn and be like, "This is pretty good."

28:42 Second of all, you promoted a woman absolutely out.

Ari Shaffir 28:44 Like, if shit goes, shit goes sideways, what if Saudi Arabia steps in and buys Protect Our Parks?

Shane Gillis 28:49 Woman vice president.

28:49 I'm in, dude.

28:50 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 28:50 The same people that put on the Francis Ngannou, Tyson Fury fight, they step in and go, "Listen, guys."

Shane Gillis 28:56 We need this.

Ari Shaffir 28:56 "America has fallen."

Shane Gillis 28:58 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:58 "You can either accept that-"

Shane Gillis 28:59 I would support it.

28:59 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 28:59 "You can either accept that-"

Shane Gillis 29:01 "Hey, Saudi Arabia, make an offer, but make an offer."

Ari Shaffir 29:02 "... and move to a place where we have zero crime."

Shane Gillis 29:04 "Let's go to Dubai."

29:05 "Give me those glasses back."

Ari Shaffir 29:06 Yeah. "You accept that and move to a place-"

Shane Gillis 29:08 "You wanna switch?"

Ari Shaffir 29:08 "... where we have zero crime."

Shane Gillis 29:09 I know you ... Did you switch already?

Ari Shaffir 29:11 Are you guys switching glasses like little Gaylords?

Shane Gillis 29:13 Have I been wearing them the whole time?

29:14 Yeah.

29:14 What are you talking about?

29:14 You didn't switch.

29:15 Am I retarded?

29:16 Yes.

29:17 What do you mean?

Ari Shaffir 29:17 What happened?

Shane Gillis 29:18 I think I'm just retarded.

29:19 I got these from your house.

29:21 Yeah. Guys, Saudi Arabia.

29:26 I bid, I performed for the troops number one.

29:27 Best golf in the world.

Ari Shaffir 29:31 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 29:33 (laughs)

29:33 (Sighs) Saudi Arabia is the best.

29:34 Number one.

Ari Shaffir 29:35 UAE, I'm with you.

Shane Gillis 29:36 Saudi ArabiaThat's even worse, dude. We gotta start supporting, you know-

Joe Rogan 30:00 It was the Taliban. (imitates flatulence)

Shane Gillis 30:02 Yeah, there we go. We gotta start supporting those guys 'cause we're gonna have to make the jump, dude.

Joe Rogan 30:06 It's gonna happen.

Shane Gillis 30:07 America's dead. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 30:08 The move is we need to get in the oil business.

Shane Gillis 30:10 We gotta get in oil.

Ari Shaffir 30:11 We gotta start drilling.

Shane Gillis 30:12 It's where it's all at.

Joe Rogan 30:13 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:13 Protect Our Parks oil.

Shane Gillis 30:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:15 Imagine we have Protect Our Parks gas stations.

Shane Gillis 30:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:17 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 30:17 How many bros would only get their gas at Protect Our Parks gas stations?

Shane Gillis 30:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:21 The worst thing for parks.

Shane Gillis 30:22 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 30:22 The worst thing for parks.

Shane Gillis 30:24 Ooh, here's an idea.

Ari Shaffir 30:25 Could you imagine? Imagine? That's when they would all arrest us if we-

Shane Gillis 30:26 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 30:26 ... branched off into gas stations. They'd be like, "Hey, fuckers." (laughs)

Shane Gillis 30:29 Here's an idea. We get one stripper, we get one stripper, we keep him... There's a stripper inside the gas station.

Ari Shaffir 30:35 There you go.

Joe Rogan 30:35 Oh, okay.

Shane Gillis 30:35 While she's dancing on the pole.

Ari Shaffir 30:38 On the pole.

Joe Rogan 30:38 I would go.

Ari Shaffir 30:40 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 30:40 It would just be Mark doing puns.

Ari Shaffir 30:42 Damn.

Shane Gillis 30:42 That's what it would be.

Joe Rogan 30:43 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 30:43 Every guy named Phillip filling up, you go, "Fill her up."

Ari Shaffir 30:45 You know, hologram Mark going, "Gas?

Joe Rogan 30:46 (laughing)

Shane Gillis 30:46 "Fill her up."

Ari Shaffir 30:47 "Hi, uh, fart?"

Shane Gillis 30:48 Gas Digital? (imitates flatulence)

Joe Rogan 30:49 Gas station.

Shane Gillis 30:50 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 30:51 Gas station? What's that, Lizzo's butt?

Joe Rogan 30:53 (laughing)

Shane Gillis 30:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:54 That's not bad. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 30:56 Can I use that for real?

Joe Rogan 30:57 (laughs) "Gas station? That's what killed Ari's family." (imitates flatulence)

Shane Gillis 31:04 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 31:05 Is this the only time-

Joe Rogan 31:06 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 31:06 ... in your life where you, uh, can't uh, un- really predict what the world's gonna be like in two years?

Shane Gillis 31:14 You can't anymore.

Ari Shaffir 31:15 It's kinda fun though.

Shane Gillis 31:15 It's so fast now. It's so fast now.

Joe Rogan 31:17 It gets-

Shane Gillis 31:17 '90s fashion's back soon, like seven years ago fashion will be back, such a quick-

Joe Rogan 31:21 But then-

Ari Shaffir 31:21 You're ex- you're excited about the fashion? What the fuck are you talking about, dude?

Joe Rogan 31:24 What is this fashion talk?

Shane Gillis 31:24 Everything goes faster and faster. '70s was in five years ago, then '80s, then '90s.

Joe Rogan 31:28 But it, it makes you wonder-

Shane Gillis 31:29 Everything's-

Joe Rogan 31:30 ... are kids younger than us, real young-

Shane Gillis 31:32 Gay.

Joe Rogan 31:32 ... gonna go the other way?

Shane Gillis 31:34 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:35 And go, "Hey, we should, uh-"

Shane Gillis 31:36 Well, they're off Instagram.

Joe Rogan 31:38 Are they?

Shane Gillis 31:39 Yeah, they're like, "This sucks. Everybody's angry at each other."

Ari Shaffir 31:41 Yeah, what are you talking about, Joe?

Joe Rogan 31:41 (laughs) "I think they like it."

Shane Gillis 31:42 "Let's not, let's not work. Let's go out and fucking hike."

Ari Shaffir 31:44 Are you one of those guys that has, like, idealistic views of the younger generation?

Shane Gillis 31:48 (laughs) Yeah. They're, they're, like, Doug McMillon's angry shit.

Ari Shaffir 31:50 'Cause that's like, the gayest version of dudes possible.

Joe Rogan 31:52 Gen Alpha.

Ari Shaffir 31:52 Like, "This next generation's gonna save us."

Shane Gillis 31:55 No.

Ari Shaffir 31:55 The next, the next generation always blows.

Joe Rogan 31:57 (baby crying)

Ari Shaffir 31:58 Blah.

Shane Gillis 31:58 Millennials sucked. The, the next one-

Joe Rogan 32:00 Well, there's gotta be one good one.

Ari Shaffir 32:00 ... after that was like, "Hey, our fucking older sisters sucked. Let's do something different."

Joe Rogan 32:05 We're due for a good one. We're due for a fun group.

Shane Gillis 32:06 We're good for... We're due for a fun group. Drinkendur911.

Ari Shaffir 32:09 Well, let's, let's forget about this idea of generations.

Joe Rogan 32:11 Our group had, our group had a good run.

Ari Shaffir 32:11 But just a collective group of, the collective group of human beings is only pushed to action when they have to be. And if everything collapses, and if the corruption and the chaos is so bad that you don't feel safe ever-

Shane Gillis 32:25 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 32:26 ... then we'll do something.

Shane Gillis 32:27 Then it'll be like, "Let's see what you-"

Ari Shaffir 32:27 But every step before that, you get more and more cowards that figure out a way to just- Yeah, hard, hard guys make soft dicks.

Shane Gillis 32:40 (laughing)

Joe Rogan 32:41 Wait a minute. Hard guys make soft dicks? (laughs)

Shane Gillis 32:44 What? Soft dicks, soft dicks make hard guys.

Joe Rogan 32:48 (laughing)

Ari Shaffir 32:50 Ah, that's it.

Joe Rogan 32:51 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 32:52 You know, this is like a fucking cycle of nature. They, they, they talked about this in the ancient Hindu texts, in, in the Vedas. This is like, this is the Kali Yuga.

Shane Gillis 33:03 This is the Kali Yuga. I totally forgot about this.

Joe Rogan 33:05 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 33:05 This is the Kali Yuga.

Shane Gillis 33:05 Oh, yeah, Kali Yuga.

Ari Shaffir 33:05 The Age of Confusion.

Joe Rogan 33:07 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 33:07 It's like, they figured it out a long time ago. These are like these, m- these, these are these times where people are working towards something, and then they achieve it, and they get too successful, and things get weird, and then this stuff.

Shane Gillis 33:18 They'll strive.

Ari Shaffir 33:18 And then they start creating their own bullshit, and not appreciating thing, and not, not practicing gratitude, and it all fucking comes tumbling down with greed and deception and-

Shane Gillis 33:28 Yeah, they're like, "We've accepted this already. Now what's wrong?"

Ari Shaffir 33:31 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 33:31 Instead of going, "Hey, it's pretty great, huh?"

Joe Rogan 33:33 But at least we get to talk about it.

Ari Shaffir 33:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:35 Yeah. We get to talk about the hard times.

Shane Gillis 33:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:36 'Cause in Gaza Strip, they're not bringing up gender.

Shane Gillis 33:39 Yeah, they're not at all.

Ari Shaffir 33:40 Yeah, very good point, very good point.

Joe Rogan 33:42 Mm. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 33:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:43 Wow.

Shane Gillis 33:43 Mark. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 33:43 But they're also, they're also not very divided on whether or not, "Kill all the Jews," is okay to say.

Shane Gillis 33:51 (laughing) Yeah, uh, that pretty much-

Ari Shaffir 33:52 In the Gaza Strip.

Shane Gillis 33:53 No.

Ari Shaffir 33:53 I mean, it's like, I'll be honest, if I was a guy in Gaza-

Shane Gillis 33:55 (burping)

Ari Shaffir 33:55 ... and they blew up a fucking block of a city, I'd go, "It's time to kill all the Jews."

Shane Gillis 34:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:00 (burping)

Ari Shaffir 34:01 Uh, sure. You can't blame them.

Shane Gillis 34:02 I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm close anyway, and I, I've... Nothing's happened to me.

Joe Rogan 34:05 (laughs) I know, uh, I do that in Brooklyn.

Shane Gillis 34:07 You already hate me. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 34:08 Isn't it crazy?

Shane Gillis 34:08 He's like, "I met Ward, and he ain't great."

Ari Shaffir 34:10 Listen, I'm just joking. For the record, I'm just joking, right?

Shane Gillis 34:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:13 We're comedians.

Ari Shaffir 34:14 Ari, you are the creator and founder of Shroomfest.

Shane Gillis 34:16 Yeah. Oh, true.

Joe Rogan 34:17 Hey.

Ari Shaffir 34:17 And isn't it, isn't it kind of amazing-

Shane Gillis 34:20 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 34:20 ... that there really is a solution?

Joe Rogan 34:23 (laughing)

Shane Gillis 34:24 Yeah, just take some mushrooms.

Ari Shaffir 34:26 To world conflict.

Shane Gillis 34:26 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 34:26 There really is a solution to world conflict. If we really made every world leader, if they all got together. And you know, we, we, obviously you wouldn't have the security to do it.

Shane Gillis 34:36 Just say, "Fuck it." Everybody come together-

Ari Shaffir 34:37 But it can't be the whole world. They have to be protected. Otherwise, there'd be bad actors who'd take advantage of the fact that we were tripping-

Shane Gillis 34:41 Big, big fucking sleepaway camp, closed down.

Ari Shaffir 34:43 ... that somewhere, something.

Joe Rogan 34:44 You guys love camp. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 34:45 Make them, make them all do it.

Ari Shaffir 34:47 Yeah. Do mushrooms, have a good time, everything's safe.

Shane Gillis 34:50 Mush-wits. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 34:51 And then have someone talk to you about things.

Shane Gillis 34:53 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 34:54 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 34:54 We're gonna have some speakers, do mushrooms the whole weekend.

Ari Shaffir 34:56 Like kids. And have some really calm people talk to you about alternative ideas.

Shane Gillis 35:00 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 35:01 Joseph.

Shane Gillis 35:01 I think it's July, uh, 21st weekend this year.

Ari Shaffir 35:04 Joseph, this is for the tr- uh... There you go.

Joe Rogan 35:05 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 35:05 I think.

Ari Shaffir 35:06 When did you start it, Ari?

Shane Gillis 35:07 10 years ago, maybe.

Ari Shaffir 35:08 Uh, Jamie?

Joe Rogan 35:10 Oh, I don't know one.

Ari Shaffir 35:11 Jamie, play cool music.

Joe Rogan 35:12 Okay, hold on one second.

Ari Shaffir 35:12 You should keep that folder always open.

Joe Rogan 35:15 Oh, I have it.

Shane Gillis 35:15 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 35:15 When this party's gone.

Shane Gillis 35:16 What's that folder?

Ari Shaffir 35:16 Actually, play Christmas music.

Joe Rogan 35:18 (clears throat)

Ari Shaffir 35:18 Lo-

Joe Rogan 35:19 Oh, America: Fuck Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 35:19 I know, America: Fuck Yeah, but also, this is the holiday edition.

Joe Rogan 35:22 (singing) America the Christmas. It is a Christmas episode. Be something good.

Ari Shaffir 35:23 So maybe we should start bonging beers for America also.

Joe Rogan 35:26 Okay. Yes.

Ari Shaffir 35:26 Christmas, what song?

Joe Rogan 35:27 We got a poinsettia here, for Christ's sake. This is jolly, jolly Christmas.

Ari Shaffir 35:30 Uh, whoever, whoever's bonging gets to pick the wonderful Christmas song.

Joe Rogan 35:34 Um...

Ari Shaffir 35:34 Doesn't Mariah Carey have a Christmas song?

Shane Gillis 35:36 Oh, yeah, sure.

Joe Rogan 35:37 Oh, that's a, that's a... You're gonna have to pay for that one.

Shane Gillis 35:38 No, let's go.

Joe Rogan 35:39 She made a...

Ari Shaffir 35:39 No, play, uh...

Joe Rogan 35:41 You think so? Should be Matt? Yeah. That's yours?

Ari Shaffir 35:42 Just blow her up. Okay, who else? (singing) No, that's it.

Joe Rogan 35:46 Oh, okay.

Ari Shaffir 35:47 Uh, I was singing.

Joe Rogan 35:48 Oh, Hall & Oates?

Ari Shaffir 35:48 Will we get in trouble for that one, Jamie?

Joe Rogan 35:49 Hall & Oates?

Shane Gillis 35:50 I like The Waitresses also.

Joe Rogan 35:52 Hall & Oates has a good one.

Ari Shaffir 35:52 Will they come for us?

Shane Gillis 35:52 I'm skipping.

Joe Rogan 35:53 Hit Hall & Oates.

Ari Shaffir 35:54 Yeah, this is good.

Joe Rogan 35:55 Oh, that's a good... It's an ad.

Ari Shaffir 35:58 (exhales)

Joe Rogan 35:58 It's an ad.

Shane Gillis 35:58 This is an ad. Come on.

Ari Shaffir 35:59 It sounded nice.

Joe Rogan 36:01 You guys can't get the ad free? This is like when you fuck a girl on-

Shane Gillis 36:03 You can't, you can't get YouTube free.

Ari Shaffir 36:04 Nat, Nat King Cole.

36:07 Uh-oh.

Mark Normand 36:08 We can get out of here.

Ari Shaffir 36:08 Yeah, 50 Cent doesn't care. He's like, he's out.

36:10 Wait, where did Phil... what about 50 Cent? What did he do?

Mark Normand 36:12 He just goes-

Ari Shaffir 36:12 Yeah, why are you distracting us from 50 Cent?

Mark Normand 36:14 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 50 rules.

Ari Shaffir 36:16 F- 50, 50, 50.

36:16 I just wanted to chug the-

36:17 50's hilarious. He's hilarious, man.

Mark Normand 36:20 Why... Why don't you subscribe to the premium?

Joe Rogan 36:22 I do. I do have it. I've never got ads-

Ari Shaffir 36:23 Come on.

Joe Rogan 36:23 ... on this. On this. It's all of a sudden something happens today. Some... (laughs) Yeah. It's Pandora. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 36:23 This is like when you fuck your girl with Pandora and then the ad comes on. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:28 (laughs)

Mark Normand 36:28 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 36:28 Pandora. I've done that. (laughs)

36:29 For me, undies. (laughs)

36:32 Oh my god.

Mark Normand 36:33 Let's hear it. Let's hear it.

Joe Rogan 36:33 Stamp.com. (laughs)

Mark Normand 36:34 Let's hear the sleaze points, folks.

Ari Shaffir 36:35 The sleaze point, fuck.

36:35 We're trying to get laid here.

Mark Normand 36:35 Let's hear WIX at that point.

Ari Shaffir 36:38 Oh, look at that guy.

Mark Normand 36:39 Wait for the drop.

36:39 Guys, this is Christmas. (instrumental music plays)

Ari Shaffir 36:42 And this is back when, uh, Black folk weren't allowed to do stuff.

Mark Normand 36:48 This is a duet with John Legend.

Ari Shaffir 36:49 Oh, that's the new version.

Mark Normand 36:51 This is not what I... This is not what I wanted.

Ari Shaffir 36:51 Give me the original.

36:54 Maybe it's good. Maybe play a little.

Mark Normand 36:55 I mean, I'm sure it's awesome.

36:57 Let me play it.

36:57 Are you allowed to play any Spotify song here?

Ari Shaffir 37:00 You'd better be.

37:01 We don't even know.

37:02 We should have a Spotify account. (laughs)

Mark Normand 37:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 37:04 We gotta ask questions.

Ari Shaffir 37:04 The only way... Let me be honest.

Joe Rogan 37:05 Jeez, Matty.

Mark Normand 37:05 Stop the company while I'm drunk.

Ari Shaffir 37:07 While I'm drunk. The only way to do this properly is to not pay attention.

Mark Normand 37:10 That's smart. James Brown.

Ari Shaffir 37:11 I pay attention to almost nothing.

Mark Normand 37:13 That's smart.

Ari Shaffir 37:14 You gotta hand it to Spotify. They fired Meghan Markle, Bruce Springsteen, Obama, and Kardashian.

37:19 Obamna.

Joe Rogan 37:21 Yeah, but they also hired them.

Mark Normand 37:23 Yeah, true. True, true.

Ari Shaffir 37:24 Yeah, well, they took a shit. They thought it was a moneymaker.

Joe Rogan 37:26 Guys, they need someone or they should have had someone-

Ari Shaffir 37:29 Guys, can we just enjoy the holiday season?

Joe Rogan 37:31 We are.

Ari Shaffir 37:31 ... to tell them-

Joe Rogan 37:33 We got a poinsettia here.

Mark Normand 37:35 Can we enjoy it? (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 37:36 ... "The thing about podcasts, this is important, it's not as easy as it seems."

Mark Normand 37:44 Yuletide songs being sung by choirs.

Ari Shaffir 37:44 It's like standup, and in standup-

Mark Normand 37:46 Similar, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 37:47 ... people are... Eskimos. But, but this is what I'm saying, because pe- in standup people are talking.

Joe Rogan 37:51 (sighs)

Ari Shaffir 37:51 And you're like, "I can talk." I see Ari on stage, he's talking, everyone's laughing. I can talk too."

37:56 Wow, that's a stretch.

37:56 "I think I can do..." No, it's not a stretch.

Mark Normand 37:58 Just like being a doctor.

Ari Shaffir 37:59 You're not wro... You're wrong.

38:00 I bet Ari can laughs.

Mark Normand 38:01 I genuinely... I watch... (laughs) I watch, I watch Ari on stage and I go, "I can do that."

Ari Shaffir 38:07 (laughs)

38:08 Exactly.

Mark Normand 38:08 (laughs) You motherfucker.

38:08 I've never seen somebody on stage more that I've been like, "Wait, him?"

Ari Shaffir 38:12 I can grow a beard.

Mark Normand 38:13 I'll do that. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 38:17 (Laughs) (instrumental music plays)

Mark Normand 38:17 Oh my god, I inhaled cigar.

Ari Shaffir 38:19 Oh, shit.

Mark Normand 38:20 Oh, that sucks.

Joe Rogan 38:21 Do not inhale tobacco.

Ari Shaffir 38:22 I laughed too hard.

Mark Normand 38:23 Dr. Gay over there. (laughs)

38:25 (laughs) Dr. Gay. She's so gay too.

Ari Shaffir 38:27 Oh, I laughed too hard. I laughed too hard.

38:29 She was pretty gay.

Mark Normand 38:29 She was so fucking gay.

Ari Shaffir 38:31 Oh, I can't believe I took in cigar smoke.

Mark Normand 38:33 Smoking moved.

Ari Shaffir 38:34 Ah, come on, you've taken in worse.

38:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:37 Come on.

Ari Shaffir 38:37 Is that a punchline?

Mark Normand 38:38 What about loaded cum?

Ari Shaffir 38:39 I dropped my left hand.

Joe Rogan 38:40 Ari, what song do you need? Dreidel or...

Ari Shaffir 38:42 Yeah.

38:42 What was the... What were we just talking about?

Mark Normand 38:44 Ooh, Han... The best song is-

Ari Shaffir 38:45 Hanukkah songs?

Mark Normand 38:45 ... Sandler.

38:46 Adam Sandler's Hanukkah or the Waitress' Christmas rapper.

38:48 No, you gotta go Sandler.

Ari Shaffir 38:49 Oh, Sandler for Hanukkah.

38:50 That's a classic.

38:51 Sandler is... Sandler is the fucking man.

Mark Normand 38:54 Guys, listen, I-

Ari Shaffir 38:55 I love Sandler.

Mark Normand 38:56 We never discuss him.

Ari Shaffir 38:56 Love Sandler.

Mark Normand 38:57 What?

Ari Shaffir 38:57 I think Sandler might be the GOAT.

Mark Normand 38:59 He might be the GOAT.

Ari Shaffir 39:00 Bro, I just ran into him.

Mark Normand 39:00 Always happy.

Ari Shaffir 39:01 I just ran into him.

Mark Normand 39:01 I think he might be the GOAT.

39:02 Never put on pants-

Ari Shaffir 39:03 I just ran into him when I went to New York-

Mark Normand 39:04 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 39:04 ... for, uh, the UFC. We... I'd landed at the airport right when he was about to leave and I ran into him. That guy's the fucking man.

Mark Normand 39:11 He might be the coolest person on Earth.

Ari Shaffir 39:13 He's so genuinely nice. Sandler is so genuinely nice.

Joe Rogan 39:17 Yeah.

Mark Normand 39:17 He needs to come to Schwartz and Party's and just hang out, just be chill.

Ari Shaffir 39:20 Dude, I've known that guy for... Fuck, I don't even know now. Like-

Mark Normand 39:24 Really?

Ari Shaffir 39:25 ... more than 20 years.

Mark Normand 39:25 He never got serious.

Ari Shaffir 39:26 He's always been-

Mark Normand 39:28 Same thing.

Ari Shaffir 39:28 ... so genuinely nice.

39:30 Great guy.

39:31 My daughter loves him because she- During the pandemic, we watched a bunch of his movies.

Mark Normand 39:35 Everybody loves him. Fucking crazy fucking penguin.

Ari Shaffir 39:37 During the pandemic when, when... But-

Joe Rogan 39:37 All right, everybody loves him.

Mark Normand 39:38 Shut up, Ari. He's telling a story. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 39:39 During the pandemic, like when everybody got locked in their houses for fucking two months, remember the- those days?

39:45 (laughs) Pandemic, yeah.

39:46 We watched nothing but Adam Sandler movies because it was like something that I would enjoy and they would enjoy. We'd all enjoy it together.

39:53 Yeah.

39:53 So we watched everything. We watched Waterboy, we watched everything.

Mark Normand 39:57 Waterboy. Waterboy might be number one.

Joe Rogan 39:59 No.

Ari Shaffir 39:59 Billy Madison. Billy Madison is the shit.

Mark Normand 40:00 I know. I know.

40:01 Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore.

Ari Shaffir 40:01 Billy Madison, too.

Mark Normand 40:01 Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. Everybody's number one to it.

Ari Shaffir 40:03 Happy Gilmore is the shit.

40:05 Yeah.

Mark Normand 40:05 True Gil... True, true connoisseur.

40:07 Yeah?

40:08 Waterboy.

Ari Shaffir 40:08 You can't beat it. They're all...

Mark Normand 40:11 Waterboy.

Joe Rogan 40:11 Wow.

Ari Shaffir 40:11 But they're all at the same level.

Mark Normand 40:12 Vicky Vallencope.

Joe Rogan 40:14 You know who's not a fan is the Harvard president.

Mark Normand 40:16 Hamas.

Ari Shaffir 40:17 No!

Mark Normand 40:17 Yeah, Hamas hates, hates Waterboy.

Ari Shaffir 40:19 Can you ima... All right, death to Adam Sandler. (laughs)

Mark Normand 40:22 Yeah, he's killed Waterboy.

40:23 Who are you, Adam Sandler?

Ari Shaffir 40:24 I don't... I don't... I don't wanna get involved.

Mark Normand 40:25 Here's who controls their water boy.

Ari Shaffir 40:26 But here's the crazy thing. If you look at like the reviews, like, like professional critics-

Joe Rogan 40:31 Oh, not good.

Ari Shaffir 40:31 If professional critics review Adam Sandler movies, they're horrible about it.

Mark Normand 40:35 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 40:35 Like, you're so wrong.

Mark Normand 40:36 Well, it's stupid. It's stupid and silly.

Joe Rogan 40:38 That's why he called this special 100%.

Ari Shaffir 40:39 If you don't like the Zohan-

Mark Normand 40:41 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 40:41 ... if you can't watch that movie and laugh your fucking ass off-

Joe Rogan 40:45 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 40:45 ... then s-

Joe Rogan 40:46 Which is about the conflict, by the way.

Ari Shaffir 40:47 Dude, we're, we're not looking at the same thing.

Mark Normand 40:49 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 40:49 You can't pretend this is fucking Apocalypse Now.

Mark Normand 40:53 Yeah. You're either on the side of funny or against funny. Yeah.

40:57 If you don't like... If you don't like Hubie Halloween, you are the dumbest motherfucker of all time.

Joe Rogan 41:04 It's fun. It's a fun time.

Ari Shaffir 41:04 Hubie Halloween-

Mark Normand 41:04 Who is on that bike?

Joe Rogan 41:05 Yes.

Ari Shaffir 41:06 Hubie Halloween is so fucking good.

Joe Rogan 41:09 He's getting hit by the neighborhood kids.

Ari Shaffir 41:10 It's amazing.

Joe Rogan 41:11 He's fun.

Mark Normand 41:11 There you go, Ari. All right, Jews. That's good for the Jews.

Joe Rogan 41:19 That's all you, Ari.

Mark Normand 41:20 It's been a while since you guys called it W.

Joe Rogan 41:23 Well, they're doing all right in business.

Ari Shaffir 41:25 (laughs)

Mark Normand 41:28 (laughs)

41:28 That's true.

Joe Rogan 41:28 But everything else is not great. Athletics-

Mark Normand 41:30 That was a good win.

Joe Rogan 41:32 Porn.

Ari Shaffir 41:33 My management team, but yeah.

Joe Rogan 41:35 Yeah, same.

Mark Normand 41:35 Halle.

41:36 Well, obviously. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:37 Halle.

Mark Normand 41:37 If you're doing... If you're doing well.

Ari Shaffir 41:38 Yes.

Joe Rogan 41:40 Yeah.

Mark Normand 41:40 Get a Jew. Get a good Jew.

Ari Shaffir 41:41 They know what the fuck they're doing.

Joe Rogan 41:42 Although Susan Sarandon got a... Got a nice taste of a little dreidel up her ass.

Mark Normand 41:47 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 41:47 What happened?

Joe Rogan 41:47 She got fired.

Ari Shaffir 41:49 For what?

Joe Rogan 41:49 She got let go for making some Hamas stuff.

Mark Normand 41:53 (sighs) Let go from what, being old?

Ari Shaffir 41:54 Oh, God.

Joe Rogan 41:55 She was like-

Ari Shaffir 41:55 But you know everybody wants to be a fucking political activist.

Mark Normand 41:59 Just stay out of it. Just be like Sandler. Just stay the fuck out of it.

Joe Rogan 42:03 He stays out.

Mark Normand 42:04 Stays out.

Joe Rogan 42:05 And just keeps making fun stuff.

Ari Shaffir 42:06 Yes. Making fun stuff always.

Mark Normand 42:07 Either the side of funny, you don't care, or you're against the funny.

Joe Rogan 42:11 And they don't care either.

Ari Shaffir 42:13 Yeah. Hell yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:13 They just, like, have to care.

Mark Normand 42:14 If you can't... Susan Sarandon apologized for a terrible mistake of making anti-Jewish comments- She's just an actor. ... at a pro-Palestinian rally. She's just like Will Smith. She's just an actress who got caught up and shit and was like, "Oh, people aren't..."

42:25 Dude, if I was up there-

42:26 She gets caught up in attention, man.

42:27 If I was up there and they handed me a mic and there were Palestinian flags-

Ari Shaffir 42:31 ... I would say, the wildest shit.

Joe Rogan 42:33 (laughs)

Mark Normand 42:33 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 42:33 I would be like, "Yo."

Joe Rogan 42:35 (laughs)

Mark Normand 42:36 "Yo."

Ari Shaffir 42:36 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:36 "Here are our rules."

Mark Normand 42:38 (laughs) Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 42:38 I would get-

Mark Normand 42:39 Kiddin' me? And killin' Jews.

Ari Shaffir 42:40 There's nothing, yeah, I would get caught up too.

Mark Normand 42:42 "I don't even eat pork."

Ari Shaffir 42:43 (laughs) Yeah, frown ...

Joe Rogan 42:45 Shout-out.

Mark Normand 42:45 "I am delivered!"

Joe Rogan 42:46 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 42:47 Delivered. "I don't eat pork no more."

Mark Normand 42:51 "Dogs suck!" "I'm not gay no more." (laughs) "I am delivered!"

Ari Shaffir 42:56 "I am delivered."

Joe Rogan 42:58 (laughs) Hurt. Hurt. Wait, delivered. Delivered. Yeah.

Mark Normand 43:00 Delivered.

Joe Rogan 43:00 Not sure about that. Mm-wah-wah-wah.

Mark Normand 43:02 "Hummus, hummus, hummus." "I don't date women. I only date women."

Joe Rogan 43:07 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:07 (laughs) "I don't wanna wear a purse."

Joe Rogan 43:11 (laughs)

Mark Normand 43:11 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:11 He's just clearly specifically naming what he wants to do.

Joe Rogan 43:14 Wait, what is this? A reference to-

Mark Normand 43:15 "We need a pop factory in every hospital."

Ari Shaffir 43:18 "I don't wear a purse"

Narrator 43:18 I do not put on makeup-

Joe Rogan 43:19 Oh, shit.

Ari Shaffir 43:20 "I will not put on makeup!"

Joe Rogan 43:21 Oh. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 43:21 He wants to put on makeup so bad.

Joe Rogan 43:23 Yeah.

Narrator 43:23 ... or women.

Joe Rogan 43:25 (laughs) Oh, yeah.

Mark Normand 43:26 People are always talking about this too.

Joe Rogan 43:27 Now watch the dancing.

Narrator 43:29 Now lis- listen. What? Y'all praise God with him. Hold on, wait a minute. Does somebody believe God with him? (upbeat music)

Joe Rogan 43:37 I'm not gay no more.

Narrator 43:38 Hey!

Ari Shaffir 43:38 (laughs) Let's kill Tony. (laughs)

Narrator 43:46 You better go read the scripture make sure.

Joe Rogan 43:47 Ah! Ah! (laughs)

Narrator 43:47 You will regret that decision.

Mark Normand 43:50 This is just Tony in red band every day.

Joe Rogan 43:53 (laughs)

Narrator 43:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:53 "I'm not gay." Neither am I.

Narrator 43:55 Hallelujah.

Joe Rogan 43:57 (laughs)

Mark Normand 43:58 Man, Jordan Peele is cooking.

Narrator 44:01 Oh, help us, help us, Lord.

Ari Shaffir 44:01 (laughs) He really does look exactly like Daniel Jones.

Narrator 44:03 I have some shown-up believers that have come down here-

Ari Shaffir 44:06 Yeah, I'll- I'll-

Mark Normand 44:07 Dude, I'm a shown-up believer.

Ari Shaffir 44:07 I'll get one of this.

Joe Rogan 44:09 Ugh.

Ari Shaffir 44:09 Do you get it at the beginning?

Joe Rogan 44:10 Ugh.

Ari Shaffir 44:10 I'd like to get one of this.

Joe Rogan 44:11 Keep going. We got... Oh, wait. What's the song?

Ari Shaffir 44:13 Let's go.

Joe Rogan 44:13 What's the song?

Mark Normand 44:14 Hey.

Narrator 44:14 Tell those people.

Mark Normand 44:15 This is my song.

Ari Shaffir 44:16 Here we go.

Narrator 44:16 Tell 'em.

Ari Shaffir 44:18 "I'm not gay no more."

Joe Rogan 44:20 There he is.

Ari Shaffir 44:20 "I am delivered!"

Joe Rogan 44:21 He's delivered.

Narrator 44:22 I don't like women no more!

Joe Rogan 44:23 Make that a gift.

Narrator 44:25 I said I like women!

Joe Rogan 44:25 Damn, that was quick, Combs.

Narrator 44:27 Women, women, women are-

Joe Rogan 44:28 (laughs)

Mark Normand 44:29 (laughs)

Narrator 44:30 ... are not good! Women-

Joe Rogan 44:31 (laughs)

Mark Normand 44:32 (laughs)

Narrator 44:32 I'm not gay!

Joe Rogan 44:33 (laughs)

Mark Normand 44:33 I hate gays!

Joe Rogan 44:34 Sunglasses. I really need sunglasses.

Ari Shaffir 44:36 Yeah.

Narrator 44:36 I will not wear a purse. I would not put on makeup.

Joe Rogan 44:39 You oughta do it.

Ari Shaffir 44:41 (laughs) "I'm not gay no more."

Joe Rogan 44:42 "I would not put on makeup."

Mark Normand 44:43 He, he just lists everything he wants to do. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:45 "I will not carry a purse." Sunglasses.

Mark Normand 44:47 Wow.

Joe Rogan 44:48 Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Mark Normand 44:50 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 44:50 He's got to be a comedian now. All right, we gotta stop. How's he doing?

Ari Shaffir 44:53 Jaymo.

Joe Rogan 44:53 Oh, wait.

Mark Normand 44:53 We've done this.

Narrator 44:54 Caldwell.

Joe Rogan 44:54 Is he still going? We gotta get him on the pod.

Mark Normand 44:57 He's gay as hell, though.

Joe Rogan 44:57 Why wouldn't you be? You think about what fucking-

Mark Normand 44:59 It doesn't go away.

Joe Rogan 45:01 Right.

Mark Normand 45:01 (laughs) You don't just cure gay. (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 45:03 I agree.

Ari Shaffir 45:04 You think what Angel Salazar did with Scarface, that dude should be able to do with that YouTube video.

Joe Rogan 45:09 Exactly.

Mark Normand 45:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:10 Ride it 'til the sunset.

Ari Shaffir 45:11 Probably same amount of numbers. I mean, that's, that's as funny as it gets.

Joe Rogan 45:16 Probably more.

Ari Shaffir 45:16 I would literally pay to see that guy-

Joe Rogan 45:18 Oh, there he is.

Ari Shaffir 45:18 ... after being delivered from homosexuality.

Mark Normand 45:21 Delivered. Delivered. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 45:21 Andrew Caldwell says he now has a girlfriend. Do you see this lady, like, confused? Like-

Mark Normand 45:25 Look at his outfit.

Joe Rogan 45:26 Ah.

Mark Normand 45:27 Look at his fucking outfit. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:28 His girlfriend's Big Mike.

Ari Shaffir 45:30 (laughs)

Mark Normand 45:30 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:30 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 45:32 We all should go black.

Joe Rogan 45:32 We all, we all, we all look very heterosexual.

Mark Normand 45:35 Distractions.

Ari Shaffir 45:35 Us?

Joe Rogan 45:36 Yeah, the way we're dressed.

Ari Shaffir 45:37 We're all hem- uh, uh, uh, we're all heterosexual.

Joe Rogan 45:40 Ours dabbled. Mine ...

Ari Shaffir 45:41 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:42 Right?

Mark Normand 45:43 I went to a fucking EDM show. That doesn't count. All right.

Ari Shaffir 45:46 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:46 That's the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Mark Normand 45:48 That was Jay.

Ari Shaffir 45:48 What'd you show me, Jamie? What was that 'bout ...

Mark Normand 45:50 Nothing.

Ari Shaffir 45:51 Who's, uh ... Hold on. Who's the gayest one in Protect Our Parks?

Joe Rogan 45:54 Ooh.

Ari Shaffir 45:55 Who's the gayest?

Joe Rogan 45:56 Uh ... Who could ...

Ari Shaffir 45:57 I think you would-

Mark Normand 45:58 It's me. Yeah, it's me.

Ari Shaffir 45:58 I think you would do some gay shit.

Mark Normand 46:00 I think it's me.

Joe Rogan 46:00 You made out with Big Jay. Where's the whiskey?

Mark Normand 46:02 No, I didn't.

Joe Rogan 46:03 Oh, that was Louis.

Mark Normand 46:03 That was Louis.

Ari Shaffir 46:04 Louis really-

Joe Rogan 46:04 Yeah, but you just took your dick out.

Ari Shaffir 46:05 ... like, really made out with him, but yet no one worries about either one of them being gay.

Mark Normand 46:09 Yeah. C- that's why it's funny.

Joe Rogan 46:11 Not at all.

Mark Normand 46:11 They're not gay. They're doing this gay thing they're not yet.

Ari Shaffir 46:12 Well, that's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community. Nobody gives a fuck if you're gay if you're funny.

Joe Rogan 46:18 No.

Ari Shaffir 46:18 Nobody gives a fuck if you're trans, if you're a girl-

Mark Normand 46:20 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 46:20 ... if you're a boy. Like, no one cares about anything. Dude, the gayest dudes are so funny.

Mark Normand 46:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:26 Gay guys are funny.

Ari Shaffir 46:26 All the jackasses-

Mark Normand 46:27 People are just classist, like, "Let me do something super gay. That is hilarious."

Joe Rogan 46:30 Right. It, it doesn't-

Ari Shaffir 46:30 Yeah, but that's straight dudes. I'm talking, like- The most important thing- ... literally gay dudes.

Joe Rogan 46:34 Like Mateo Lane-

Mark Normand 46:35 Oh, Mateo.

Joe Rogan 46:36 ... is funny for being-

Ari Shaffir 46:36 Mateo, Mateo is so fucking good.

Joe Rogan 46:37 He's funny. He's a funny guy.

Mark Normand 46:38 Mateo is the, the, like, band leader for gay funny. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 46:43 He fucking rules.

Mark Normand 46:44 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:45 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 46:45 He had a joke, he had a joke. I don't know if he put it out. Whatever. If he didn't, delete it.

Mark Normand 46:49 Just ruin it? (laughs) Yeah, go ahead.

Ari Shaffir 46:51 He had a joke about he, he plays Call of Duty. Him and his gay friends play Call of Duty.

Mark Normand 46:56 What?

Ari Shaffir 46:56 And they're, like, in there, like, looking at, like ... Like, "Ooh, look at the wallpaper." (laughs)

Mark Normand 47:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 47:02 (laughs) Call of Booty.

Ari Shaffir 47:04 Com of that. (laughs)

Narrator 47:05 I could not stop playing Call of Duty.

Ari Shaffir 47:07 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:07 Oh, there he is. There he is. He's killer.

Narrator 47:09 They released the gay version which I am- (audience laughing)

Ari Shaffir 47:10 Fortnite is the gay version.

Narrator 47:12 Fortnite is so gay. It's the only game where you're shooting and decorating at the same time. (audience laughing) You're literally mid-battle. You're like, "Cease fire! We need a bay window." I'm like, "What?" (audience laughing) Call of Duty, they want it to be so real, to the point where you go in the battlefield. Your commander yells at you. He's like, "All right, everyone! Your mission, murder everyone!" And I'm so naive. I'm just like ... I played Nathan Lane in the Birdcage. I'm like, " (screams) ." Like, I'm so- (audience laughing) And this is a feature. I don't even understand how this is legal. This is the fe- ... Everyone's wearing headsets, right? So you can only hear your own teammates. But in Call of Duty, when you kill someone else on another team, you can hear three seconds of their audio. (audience laughing) So all you hear on the battlefield when you kill someone is like, " (static) (beep) (static) (beep) ." (audience laughing)

Ari Shaffir 47:57 (laughs)

Narrator 47:58 And I'm so naive. I'm like, "How do they know?" (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:02 Ah! He should be able to say it.

Ari Shaffir 48:03 He's so good.

Joe Rogan 48:04 Yeah.

Mark Normand 48:04 Oh, of course.

Joe Rogan 48:04 Well, it clearly can. Why don't they ... Why do they beep that out? It's his. It's his channel.

Mark Normand 48:08 They just go, it doesn't matter the context.

Joe Rogan 48:09 There's a-

Mark Normand 48:09 We're gonna allow it.

Joe Rogan 48:10 Oh. There's a couple ...

Ari Shaffir 48:10 What a stupid world we're living in.

Joe Rogan 48:12 I know.

Ari Shaffir 48:12 I can't wait for mind reading. Bring it on. Bring it on.

Joe Rogan 48:15 No, no, no, no, no.

Ari Shaffir 48:15 Expose everyone.

Joe Rogan 48:17 We might read that.

Mark Normand 48:17 Mind reading.

Ari Shaffir 48:17 Let's go. Joe, we cannot have mind reading. Plus legal acid, we can fix this.

Joe Rogan 48:23 Bro? Mind reading is bad.

Ari Shaffir 48:24 Mind reading is gonna result in ... Your woman is in a ... Women are gonna be segregated.

Mark Normand 48:30 Why?

Joe Rogan 48:31 Why?

Ari Shaffir 48:31 If you brought ...... dude, what would happen-

Mark Normand 48:33 (laughs) Dude.

Ari Shaffir 48:34 ... if you meet your fr- your best friend's wife-

Joe Rogan 48:38 Right.

Ari Shaffir 48:38 ... and in your head it's like, "Yeah, I'd like to fuck her from behind." (laughs) Like...

Joe Rogan 48:42 And then they know about it at home.

Shane Gillis 48:43 That's true.

Joe Rogan 48:43 It's gonna be disastrous for you.

48:44 Well-

Mark Normand 48:44 It's just someone who was thinking.

Joe Rogan 48:44 ... you're gonna have to learn how to curb those thoughts, homeboy. (laughs)

48:48 Never gonna happen.

Ari Shaffir 48:49 It's impossible, it's a blink. It's a blink.

Joe Rogan 48:50 You can't.

Shane Gillis 48:50 It's never gonna happen, actually.

Ari Shaffir 48:51 What are you talking about?

Joe Rogan 48:52 It's, it'll blink.

48:52 Yeah, whatever happens.

Ari Shaffir 48:52 Th- this is what it'll be, this is what it'll be. There'll be like many layers of what a thought is.

Joe Rogan 48:58 It's brilliant.

Ari Shaffir 48:58 There's a thought about like-

Shane Gillis 49:00 Yeah, you'll have to categorize. But the early days-

Ari Shaffir 49:01 Right.

Shane Gillis 49:01 ... when it's like Mark comes in dressed nice, shaven, I'm like, "Oh, I wanna fuck that."

Ari Shaffir 49:05 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 49:05 (laughs)

49:06 Oh, wait, what?

Ari Shaffir 49:07 But it's-

Mark Normand 49:07 You are the gay one, dude.

Shane Gillis 49:09 What?

Mark Normand 49:09 I knew you were nasty and gay.

Shane Gillis 49:11 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 49:11 I thought-

Joe Rogan 49:11 Have you seen, what is this?

Shane Gillis 49:12 I thought-

Joe Rogan 49:13 This is a movie-

Shane Gillis 49:14 What is this?

Joe Rogan 49:14 ... with Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley, who was in, uh, Star Wars. The, uh, they, (clears throat) the sci-fi thing is expla- it's explaining what you guys are talking about. Men, men's thoughts are out loud and women's are not in this movie. I thought it was very interesting, but-

Mark Normand 49:29 I found her, I found her!

Joe Rogan 49:30 ... what you're saying is what is happening.

Mark Normand 49:32 Well-

Ari Shaffir 49:32 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:33 ... Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14.

Mark Normand 49:34 He sounds like a little bitch in this movie.

Ari Shaffir 49:36 That's hilarious. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 49:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:37 Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14-

Ari Shaffir 49:38 She ran away through the woods, and he's like, "I'd like to hold her down and fuck her." "No, no, no."

Shane Gillis 49:42 "Mark..."

Mark Normand 49:42 "It's just one part of me."

Joe Rogan 49:43 Mark-

49:44 Chappelle had a bit-

Mark Normand 49:44 "Just one small part of me."

Shane Gillis 49:44 "Norman's trying to talk, you fucking animals. )

Joe Rogan 49:46 Chappelle had a bit when he was 14 about how superheroes, he's like, you know, what if Black- or Batman went to a Black neighborhood. "Where's the car, Robin?" Whatever. But he had a great bit about, uh, Wonder Woman as a lasso of truth. So if she scooped you up, you'd be like, "Nice tits." (laughs)

Shane Gillis 50:03 (laughs)

Mark Normand 50:03 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:03 That's all she said.

50:03 And that was when he was 14.

Ari Shaffir 50:05 Yeah.

Mark Normand 50:05 (sighs)

Joe Rogan 50:05 But it's true, that's what we would think.

Ari Shaffir 50:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:08 If you could do mind reading, we'd be fucked.

Ari Shaffir 50:10 (laughs) Yeah.

Shane Gillis 50:11 Literally the first thing.

Ari Shaffir 50:11 But would we be? But isn't the problem is that we can't read minds.

Joe Rogan 50:14 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 50:14 Like, shouldn't people adjust the way they think about things?

Joe Rogan 50:16 No.

Shane Gillis 50:17 No.

Joe Rogan 50:17 We're, we're animals.

Shane Gillis 50:18 You can't help it.

Ari Shaffir 50:19 I bet you can if technology arises. Here's the thing. We think that's-

Shane Gillis 50:22 There's no way-

Joe Rogan 50:23 But that's, that's, that's not progress.

Shane Gillis 50:23 ... a period of like catching up.

Ari Shaffir 50:24 What about Goo- are you willing to give up Google on your phone?

Mark Normand 50:26 Joe.

Ari Shaffir 50:27 Are you willing to give up Google on your phone?

Mark Normand 50:29 Joe, are you or not?

Shane Gillis 50:30 Are you?

Joe Rogan 50:30 Google is fine.

Ari Shaffir 50:31 Yeah, you're gonna get to the next Google.

Joe Rogan 50:32 Mind thoughts are not good.

Ari Shaffir 50:32 The next Google is mind reading.

Mark Normand 50:35 Joe.

Ari Shaffir 50:35 What?

Shane Gillis 50:36 Joe.

Mark Normand 50:36 There's no way it's in your head-

Ari Shaffir 50:39 Get in there, bro, look around.

Mark Normand 50:41 All right, hold on. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:43 It's a bad idea.

Mark Normand 50:44 Hold on, listen, man. Listen, man.

Shane Gillis 50:44 Get in there, look around.

Joe Rogan 50:44 It's a bad idea.

Mark Normand 50:44 Listen, man. A lot of meat recipes.

Joe Rogan 50:46 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 50:46 Hold on. (laughs) I really am, I'm pretty consistent with how I like to cook meat.

Mark Normand 50:50 Joe.

Ari Shaffir 50:50 Show us.

Shane Gillis 50:51 Oh, here's another jalapeno steak.

Ari Shaffir 50:53 A hot lady-

Joe Rogan 50:54 Yeah, well, we're-

Ari Shaffir 50:54 I'm really into reverse here but go on.

Shane Gillis 50:56 (laughs)

Mark Normand 50:56 A hot lady comes up to you.

Joe Rogan 50:58 A hot lady.

Ari Shaffir 51:00 (clears throat) A hot lady walks up.

Joe Rogan 51:01 Okay.

Shane Gillis 51:01 Imagine a hot lady.

Ari Shaffir 51:01 She looks directly into your mind. You're not going, "Nice."

Shane Gillis 51:06 (laughs)

Mark Normand 51:08 No part of you-

Ari Shaffir 51:08 Literally every single woman-

Shane Gillis 51:10 No part of you is like, ooh.

Mark Normand 51:11 Well, deal with it. (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 51:14 If, if we get, if we get mind reading-

Joe Rogan 51:16 Right. But what if-

Ari Shaffir 51:17 ... every single woman is all day-

Joe Rogan 51:19 What if a hot lady walks up to you and goes, "I think I don't have to work anymore if I can fuck you."

Shane Gillis 51:24 Yeah, that would be that too.

Joe Rogan 51:25 Oh.

51:25 That would be the other side of it.

Mark Normand 51:26 Yep, Joe? Yep.

Ari Shaffir 51:27 What if she looks at you and goes, "I like this guy, like he's a sweet guy."

Joe Rogan 51:31 Yeah, I don't think we need technology for that.

Mark Normand 51:33 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 51:34 I could, I could-

Joe Rogan 51:34 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 51:34 ... make myself love him.

Mark Normand 51:36 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 51:36 Imagine you're a married woman-

Ari Shaffir 51:38 I don't like-

Shane Gillis 51:38 ... on a treadmill, and then you look over and you're like, "Oh, there's Jerry Seinfeld."

Ari Shaffir 51:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:43 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 51:43 "Maybe I don't have to hurt my husband anymore."

Ari Shaffir 51:44 Maybe I can just straight up-

Joe Rogan 51:46 Actually-

Shane Gillis 51:46 I could suck that-

Ari Shaffir 51:47 Maybe I can get that Bentley, I been looking at online.

Shane Gillis 51:51 I could suck that trim stick. (laughs)

Mark Normand 51:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 51:51 I can suck his dick into a full future.

Shane Gillis 51:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 51:54 That's gonna be a thing.

Ari Shaffir 51:55 Yeah. It's so easy. We're so vulnerable 'cause we're all like, like women are so, like a hot woman, like a really hot woman is so fucking powerful.

Mark Normand 52:07 Take it easy.

Shane Gillis 52:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:08 Anyone else hard?

52:09 A really hot woman?

Mark Normand 52:10 Jesus. Well, why'd you have to say it like slow like that?

Ari Shaffir 52:11 Dude, when you see Lauren San- Sanchez and Jeff Bezos, you're like, "I get it."

Joe Rogan 52:16 Yeah, and they know it too.

Ari Shaffir 52:17 I get it.

Shane Gillis 52:17 Who's the chick from, who's the chick from, uh, Transformers?

Joe Rogan 52:20 Megan Fox.

Ari Shaffir 52:21 Oh, yeah.

Shane Gillis 52:21 It's just like, you can do whatever you want with anybody.

Ari Shaffir 52:23 Yes. Uh, Stathopoulos was talking about her the other day.

Shane Gillis 52:26 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 52:27 It's like, yeah, like, like angular.

Mark Normand 52:30 Just like...

Ari Shaffir 52:30 Like superior genetics, like eyes piercing.

Joe Rogan 52:33 Why are you talking slow and soft?

Ari Shaffir 52:35 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 52:35 Yeah, why you trying to get us hard?

Mark Normand 52:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:37 Yeah, come on, Joe.

Mark Normand 52:38 I'm gonna take these headphones off if you keep talking sexual.

Ari Shaffir 52:41 Sorry, boys.

Mark Normand 52:42 Damn.

Joe Rogan 52:42 (laughs)

Mark Normand 52:43 Who just, who just did the, uh, Transformer voice?

Ari Shaffir 52:47 What voice?

Joe Rogan 52:47 Robots in disguise.

Mark Normand 52:48 Didn't one of you guys just do that?

Shane Gillis 52:49 In your head, buddy.

Mark Normand 52:50 Oh, that was me. Sorry.

Shane Gillis 52:51 All right, nice. That was good.

Mark Normand 52:53 I was fucking around.

Joe Rogan 52:54 But yeah, we can't have too much r- a little ignorance is bliss. You need a little bit of fakeness.

Ari Shaffir 52:58 Yeah, but that's not gonna happen, man. I'm telling you, that's the bottleneck. The bottleneck is-

Joe Rogan 53:04 That's the end, end of society.

Shane Gillis 53:04 You'll need some catching up time.

Ari Shaffir 53:05 It'll be, it'll be so bad. It'll be way worse... We think social media-

Shane Gillis 53:08 It'll be-

Ari Shaffir 53:08 ... is bad. We think social media is bad where we're like, everybody shouldn't be talking.

Mark Normand 53:12 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 53:12 The last thing I want is to bring my girlfriend around my friends and listen to my friends' thought of like-

Shane Gillis 53:19 I'd fuck her.

Ari Shaffir 53:20 Oh, I'd fuck her, I'd fuck her.

Joe Rogan 53:21 Yeah, not bad.

Mark Normand 53:21 Of course.

Shane Gillis 53:22 Well, how about this? I wouldn't fuck her.

Ari Shaffir 53:24 Ooh.

Shane Gillis 53:24 It would also be terrible.

Joe Rogan 53:26 Yeah, good point.

Mark Normand 53:27 Yeah, how about this? How about-

Ari Shaffir 53:28 I tell you what, Harry-

Mark Normand 53:30 Harry.

Shane Gillis 53:31 Pleasure, how are you?

Mark Normand 53:31 I've never heard a better... Ari?

Shane Gillis 53:33 Yeah.

Mark Normand 53:33 Whatever. Uh. (laughs)

Shane Gillis 53:36 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 53:36 (laughs)

Mark Normand 53:36 That's, I mean, that's, that's the worst.

Shane Gillis 53:38 Yeah.

Mark Normand 53:39 You bring a hot, you think-

Shane Gillis 53:41 All these guys wanna fuck me.

Mark Normand 53:41 "Oh, this is my girl."

Shane Gillis 53:42 Wait, why he got, why does that guy not?

Mark Normand 53:43 And then the guy, you bring your girl around, the guy goes-

Shane Gillis 53:46 Man...

Mark Normand 53:46 ... "Ew."

Shane Gillis 53:47 (laughs)

Mark Normand 53:48 And you go, "Well, I'm gonna, I have to kill him."

Joe Rogan 53:50 But imagine a girl says-

Shane Gillis 53:51 Kill her and then her.

Ari Shaffir 53:52 Or how about this? When you, you, you see your friend and he's with this woman and you're like, "Oh, well, that's gonna be the end of him."

Shane Gillis 53:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 53:58 Or them too.

Shane Gillis 53:58 Oh, your buddy's mad at you.

Joe Rogan 53:59 Jesus Christ.

Shane Gillis 54:00 'Cause that's-

Ari Shaffir 54:01 That's the one, we've seen that one.

Shane Gillis 54:02 Oh, we've seen it so many times.

Ari Shaffir 54:04 We've all seen that one.

Joe Rogan 54:04 Yep.

Ari Shaffir 54:05 I go, "That'll be the end."

Shane Gillis 54:06 "Hey, it's been good hanging out with you over those last 10 years. We're not gonna hang out with you anymore 'cause you got some fucking controlling lady."

Ari Shaffir 54:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 54:12 Damn.

Mark Normand 54:13 (clears throat) I've seen some guys who had real potential and then all of a sudden they, they-

Ari Shaffir 54:17 Mark.

Mark Normand 54:17 ... got involved in some, some woman and...

Shane Gillis 54:20 And then it's over.

Joe Rogan 54:22 (laughs)

Mark Normand 54:22 And then, and then-

Shane Gillis 54:22 Delete, delete, delete.

Mark Normand 54:22 And then the woman forces him to quit their job- ... and get a regular job. We've all seen that one, you know? You need to get a job. Oh my God, he's at the fucking verge.

Joe Rogan 54:31 So many guys aren't-

Mark Normand 54:32 He's so close.

Joe Rogan 54:33 ... in comedy anymore because of that.

Shane Gillis 54:35 Yeah, for real.

Mark Normand 54:36 But if you're a woman-

Shane Gillis 54:36 Honestly, honestly, Joe-

Mark Normand 54:37 If you're a woman and you're banking on a dude to pay the bills-

Shane Gillis 54:40 Like Chappelle said, "It's soft."

Ari Shaffir 54:41 ... how many women have saved all of us from some just fucking retard lingering around?

Joe Rogan 54:47 What do you mean?

Shane Gillis 54:48 What do you mean, retard fucking around?

Joe Rogan 54:48 What do you mean?

Ari Shaffir 54:49 I'm saying, like, a lady going... Like, so there's a guy you started with that sucks, and then a woman-

Shane Gillis 54:58 Puncher.

Ari Shaffir 54:58 ... he finally meets a babe, and she goes, "Please, God, stop doing stand-up. You suck."

Shane Gillis 55:05 Oh, y- good point.

Ari Shaffir 55:06 It's important.

Shane Gillis 55:07 Good point. We're like, "He's annoying everybody. Get him out of here."

Ari Shaffir 55:09 It's important to have a nasty woman there to ruin everything.

Shane Gillis 55:11 Sure.

Ari Shaffir 55:12 Yeah, wounded antelopes can't walk by the waterhole.

Shane Gillis 55:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:15 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 55:15 Crocodiles take them out (laughs) . Yeah. Yeah.

Shane Gillis 55:16 It's almost like we need them as buffers, bro.

Ari Shaffir 55:18 That's how it goes. It's what we need.

Joe Rogan 55:19 Yeah, good point.

Ari Shaffir 55:19 That's why the crocodiles are there.

Shane Gillis 55:21 For every guy who could have been something that got taken away by a woman, there's seven guys-

Joe Rogan 55:25 Yeah (laughs) .

Shane Gillis 55:25 ... who need to be taken out.

Ari Shaffir 55:27 Yeah, there's way more-

Shane Gillis 55:27 'Cause they're taking up stage time.

Ari Shaffir 55:28 ... way more antelopes where the crocodiles live than- That's funny, they talk about- ... alligators and deer. ... they talk about how, like, behind every great man is a very strong woman.

Shane Gillis 55:36 Behind every-

Ari Shaffir 55:37 Behind every complete loser is a truly strong woman-

Joe Rogan 55:40 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 55:41 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 55:41 ... that crushed his spirit (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 55:44 Right.

Ari Shaffir 55:44 Like, it's totally true.

Shane Gillis 55:48 So true (laughs) .

Ari Shaffir 55:48 Yeah (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 55:48 It's so true.

Ari Shaffir 55:48 Some smart woman was like, "Stop what you're doing."

Shane Gillis 55:52 "You suck."

Ari Shaffir 55:53 "You have no future."

Joe Rogan 55:55 Bro. Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 55:55 Well, also, it's like, that's a weird dynamic when the woman has all the power.

Shane Gillis 55:59 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 56:00 Like, I, I, I was, I was fucking around on stage about, uh, Mackenzie Bezos, how she married a science teacher. Like, Mackenzie Bezos divorced Jeff Bezos, she made like $38 billion, and she married a dude worth $3,200.

Shane Gillis 56:13 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 56:13 I was like, this is like-

Joe Rogan 56:15 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 56:15 How is this gonna work? And it lasted-

Joe Rogan 56:16 I remember that bit.

Ari Shaffir 56:17 ... it lasted 16 months.

Joe Rogan 56:19 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 56:20 Did she actually rock?

Ari Shaffir 56:21 Yeah. Yeah. He fucking tapped out.

Shane Gillis 56:21 You got no power.

Ari Shaffir 56:22 It's, you can pretend for as long as you want, but you don't... Like, that's a, that's a hard fucking-

Joe Rogan 56:27 That's what women should focus on is guys-

Ari Shaffir 56:29 ... p- yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:29 ... who have potential, but don't know it yet.

Ari Shaffir 56:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:32 And then let them-

Ari Shaffir 56:33 Yeah, but how could you do that?

Joe Rogan 56:33 ... build a business-

Shane Gillis 56:34 Move into something.

Joe Rogan 56:34 ... and you just da-, "I was with you from the beginning. I supported you. Ah, he's pissing again. Holy shit."

Ari Shaffir 56:38 Right, but if you're a woman that's worth $38 billion-

Joe Rogan 56:41 Ugh. Good god.

Ari Shaffir 56:41 ... like, what do you do?

Joe Rogan 56:42 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 56:42 If you're worth that much money-

Shane Gillis 56:43 Ye- exactly.

Ari Shaffir 56:44 ... what do you do? Like, what are your options?

Shane Gillis 56:46 You can't find any man.

Ari Shaffir 56:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:47 But women like a successful guy.

Shane Gillis 56:49 Just tie him to the wood.

Ari Shaffir 56:49 Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.

Joe Rogan 56:50 He should be-

Ari Shaffir 56:50 You're looking at it wrong.

Joe Rogan 56:52 You should be nurturing the, the loser (laughs) .

Ari Shaffir 56:53 Listen, you're looking at it wrong. You're looking at it wrong.

Joe Rogan 56:55 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 56:55 I'm looking at it right.

Joe Rogan 56:56 That's a big head on that, uh, menorah.

Ari Shaffir 56:58 A woman who has 38 billion doesn't need anything from you, so why would she-

Shane Gillis 57:01 Doesn't need anything.

Ari Shaffir 57:01 ... listen to anything you have to say?

Shane Gillis 57:03 All she wants is big dick. Every NBA player, every wife they have, every hot actor, they just get an Instagram fucking influencer. None of them get a scientist.

Ari Shaffir 57:12 All right, I gotta ask this.

Joe Rogan 57:13 I don't know that's 100% true, but I've seen-

Shane Gillis 57:16 It's not 100%, but at a, a massive majority.

Joe Rogan 57:18 Right.

Shane Gillis 57:18 They don't get any smart chick.

Ari Shaffir 57:19 Look at all that piss.

Shane Gillis 57:20 Yeah, it's a lot. I'll, I'll admit to that.

Ari Shaffir 57:21 That's insane.

Joe Rogan 57:22 And then the other bottle's over here.

Ari Shaffir 57:24 Jamie, can you play, uh, Joy To The World by Nat King Cole?

Joe Rogan 57:28 Joy to the world.

Ari Shaffir 57:29 I'm just gonna, I'm gonna...

Joe Rogan 57:31 All the boys and girls.

Ari Shaffir 57:33 No, no, definitely.

Joe Rogan 57:34 Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me.

Ari Shaffir 57:39 Oh, here it comes, dude. This is, this is a jam. Ooh-whee.

Joe Rogan 57:43 Joy to the world, the Lord is come.

Ari Shaffir 57:45 (laughs)

Shane Gillis 57:45 Oh, that's way different than ours.

Joe Rogan 57:47 Receive her king.

Ari Shaffir 57:48 Look at him. Look at him go (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 57:50 Damn, that went down easy.

Ari Shaffir 57:51 Thumb up.

Shane Gillis 57:52 Shane's a boy.

Joe Rogan 57:52 That went down really easy.

Shane Gillis 57:53 Shane's a dog.

Ari Shaffir 57:54 You know what, Shane? You have a fun thumb.

Joe Rogan 57:55 Fat kid gold.

Ari Shaffir 57:56 Let me tell you something, bro. You got a fun thumb.

Joe Rogan 58:00 Joy...

Ari Shaffir 58:00 'Cause your fun... Your thumb doesn't go straight up.

Shane Gillis 58:03 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 58:03 Your thumb goes all the way back.

Joe Rogan 58:05 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 58:05 Look at that extra angle you have.

Joe Rogan 58:07 Oh, yeah.

Ari Shaffir 58:07 I don't have that angle.

Shane Gillis 58:08 I got it.

Joe Rogan 58:09 Yeah, Ari's got it. Ari's thumb is crazy.

58:13 Jesus, what a joyful thing.

Ari Shaffir 58:15 No. Not you. You got, you got no curve on there.

Shane Gillis 58:16 Yeah, bitch ass.

Ari Shaffir 58:17 I don't have any curve.

Shane Gillis 58:17 James got it. Jamie's got it hard.

Joe Rogan 58:19 J-M-O. Oh!

Ari Shaffir 58:20 Oh, my god. That's insane.

Joe Rogan 58:22 Oh.

Ari Shaffir 58:22 You guys all have fun thumbs except me.

Shane Gillis 58:24 Fun thumbs (laughs) . Fun thumbs.

Ari Shaffir 58:26 Well, you, you and I, it's pretty close.

Joe Rogan 58:28 Yeah.

Shane Gillis 58:29 You guys have un-fun thumbs.

Joe Rogan 58:31 My ears are connected. I get that all day, all night.

Ari Shaffir 58:33 Oh, yeah? That's a weird one if you look at Biden.

Shane Gillis 58:35 Hitchhiker's thumb.

Joe Rogan 58:36 Whoa.

Ari Shaffir 58:36 What's the difference? Hitchhiker's thumb. If it, if it doesn't go all the way back, it's a serial killer (laughs) .

Shane Gillis 58:44 (laughs)

Ari Shaffir 58:44 Hyper mobile.

Shane Gillis 58:46 You might have hitchhiker's thumb (laughs) .

Ari Shaffir 58:47 Bro, when I was in high school, I remember those dudes, there was dudes that could take their thumb and, and push it all the way with their forearm.

Shane Gillis 58:55 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:55 I remember that.

Ari Shaffir 58:56 That's insane.

Joe Rogan 58:56 Oh, Ari's got it.

Ari Shaffir 58:57 Can you do that?

Joe Rogan 58:58 I got it.

Ari Shaffir 58:59 Oh, my god. You can do that?

Joe Rogan 59:00 Easy, big fella.

Ari Shaffir 59:01 Is that touching your forearm?

Shane Gillis 59:03 It is. Hold up.

Joe Rogan 59:04 Ow.

Ari Shaffir 59:04 Oh, my god. Mine's not even close.

Shane Gillis 59:06 Oh, I can't do it on this hand. I'm close.

Ari Shaffir 59:07 Jamie used to be able to do it. I can't. I ca- I heard you go, "I can't do it anymore." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:11 It hurts? Okay. It's tight.

Ari Shaffir 59:12 Oh, my shit's not even close.

Joe Rogan 59:14 Wow. Comfortably thumb.

Shane Gillis 59:16 Now, which way do you go? Not bad.

Ari Shaffir 59:18 This side's better.

Shane Gillis 59:19 Under?

Joe Rogan 59:19 Whatever way you can go.

Shane Gillis 59:20 Under. Hands here like that.

Ari Shaffir 59:21 See if you can get it there.

Shane Gillis 59:22 No, no. Hands here.

Ari Shaffir 59:23 Bro, I can't even come close. I'm a solid inch and a half away.

Shane Gillis 59:27 Inch and a half away.

Joe Rogan 59:28 Thumb fights.

Ari Shaffir 59:29 I can't even get any closer than that.

Shane Gillis 59:31 Jamie, I got a request for the next song.

Ari Shaffir 59:32 Comfortably thumb?

Joe Rogan 59:33 Yeah. Maybe an inch.

Ari Shaffir 59:34 I literally just said that.

Shane Gillis 59:35 I know (laughs) . Christmas wrapping.

Ari Shaffir 59:37 (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 59:38 Christmas wrapping?

Ari Shaffir 59:38 Why, what is, that's another weird one.

Shane Gillis 59:41 Christmas (laughs) .

Ari Shaffir 59:41 Some people could do weird shit with their wrists too. Hold on, can you play Nat King Cole, Joy To The World?

Joe Rogan 59:44 Well, pre-internet, double-jointed guys were king.

Shane Gillis 59:47 Were king. What the fuck is that?

Joe Rogan 59:49 They dominated-

59:50 Yeah.

59:50 ... grammar school. Like, some guy was like, whoa.

Shane Gillis 59:52 Double-jointed.

Joe Rogan 59:53 You're like, "Wow."

Shane Gillis 59:54 Yeah.

Ari Shaffir 59:55 (laughs) Dominated grammar school (laughs) . Ooh, dominated grammar school (laughs) .

Joe Rogan 59:57 They were the king. Well, the guy who did the flip-up of the eyelids, remember that guy?

Ari Shaffir 1:00:01 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:02 That was big.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:02 That was a big one. That was a big one.

Shane Gillis 1:00:03 You got it.

Joe Rogan 1:00:04 There was no entertainment.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:05 The flip-up of the eyelids freaked everybody out.

Joe Rogan 1:00:07 Everybody.

Shane Gillis 1:00:07 Yeah, that thing, the inside-out.

Joe Rogan 1:00:09 Oh, huge.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:09 Oh, that was a big one. That was a big one.

Joe Rogan 1:00:11 Well, we had to make fun. Remember the bat wing with your dick?

Ari Shaffir 1:00:14 You remember the first guy that cummed?

Shane Gillis 1:00:16 You know what's good?

Joe Rogan 1:00:17 Stop!

Ari Shaffir 1:00:17 Remember that guy?

Joe Rogan 1:00:17 When you were a kid-

Shane Gillis 1:00:18 First guy that cummed.

Ari Shaffir 1:00:18 Yeah. You go, "Goddamn, that guy's a freak."

Joe Rogan 1:00:21 What do you mean?

Ari Shaffir 1:00:22 Well, y- we had a gr- uh, we had a guy in my