Joe Rogan Experience #2093 - Sober October Crew

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Watch his latest special, "Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle," on Netflix. www.bertbertbert.com Tom Segura is a stand-up comic, actor, podcaster, and author. He co-hosts two podcasts, "Your Mom's House," with his wife, comic Christina Pazsitsky, and "Two Bears, One Cave," with comic Bert Kreischer. He's also the host of his own podcast, "Tom Segura en Español," and is the author of "I'd Like to Play Alone, Please: Essays." Watch his latest special, "Tom Segura: Sledgehammer," on Netflix. www.ymhstudios.com Ari Shaffir is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. Watch his latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," on YouTube. www.arishaffir.com

Joe RoganhostTom SeguraguestBert KreischerguestAri ShaffirguestGuestguestShane Gillisguest

Jun 27, 20243h 36mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,014 words

0:00 – 15:00
(drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…
1. JRJoe Rogan
  (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
2. NANarrator
  The Joe Rogan Experience. (rock music plays) Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Are you looking for me?
3. TSTom Segura
  No, this is perfect.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. BKBert Kreischer
  What? Is that-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  "You wanted a picture?" "You wanted a picture?"
7. TSTom Segura
  Isn't this New York too where no one wants to talk to anybody? (laughs)
8. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs) Yeah.
9. TSTom Segura
  Is that the one?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  His, Dice Clay's, uh, his Instagram is performance art.
11. BKBert Kreischer
  That is.
12. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  And people, they don't appreciate it because performance art is snobby and you think, like, you have to be left-leaning, you know-
14. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  ... liberal, super fucking progressive, like, that, that's the only way you can have performance art. But no, what Andrew Dice Clay is doing, some of the best-
16. TSTom Segura
  That's the funniest thing on Instagram.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  ... wild performance art.
18. BKBert Kreischer
  You give away the hat, the king's hat.
19. TSTom Segura
  (laughs) I saw this one. The king's hat.
20. BKBert Kreischer
  The hat?
21. ASAri Shaffir
  What about the hat?
22. BKBert Kreischer
  My hat, the king's hat?
23. ASAri Shaffir
  It's good.
24. BKBert Kreischer
  No, what I'm saying, I can see that you're a fan-
25. ASAri Shaffir
  No, we're talking about my coworker.
26. BKBert Kreischer
  Oh, no, if you wanted a picture, you know-
27. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
28. BKBert Kreischer
  ... I, I would take.
29. ASAri Shaffir
  I see that.
30. BKBert Kreischer
  (laughs)
15:00 – 30:00
How, how swept out?…
1. SGShane Gillis
  there's, it's on my Instagram.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  How, how swept out?
3. SGShane Gillis
  Uh, just, i- i- you can see it. It's not... She didn't get taken out to sea, but she got overtaken by a wave, and it was... It's funny because it's very lighthearted, but then as... And I, I don't even think I handled it well as a parent. I was like- Yeah, you filmed and didn't help? (laughs) I filmed and then said, "Do you have, is your cellphone, is your cellphone in your pocket?"
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. SGShane Gillis
  And so, uh, but what's f- crazy is the moment of clarity after that where you go, "Hold on. We're not safe here."
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, right.
7. SGShane Gillis
  "Like, this is, oh, th- hang on, this is actually really dangerous."
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
9. SGShane Gillis
  This is Isla. And she just g- like, she was just fucking around, and then-
10. TSTom Segura
  This kid's gonna... Oh, boy.
11. SGShane Gillis
  ... and it's, like, aggressive. Of course we're all laughing.
12. TSTom Segura
  And then if she slips-
13. JRJoe Rogan
  She's far enough away where I'm not scared.
14. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
15. TSTom Segura
  Sort of, but if she slips further back-
16. JRJoe Rogan
  But-
17. TSTom Segura
  ... that's all coming back.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  But what I'm saying is that, like, that's one of those-
19. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
20. JRJoe Rogan
  ... you know, 50, 50 feet here, 50 feet there things.
21. TSTom Segura
  Yeah.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, if you fuck up and you're 50 feet in front of that and you think you can get away-
23. TSTom Segura
  I've had multiple ocean scares now. (clears throat) Like, the one, the ones where you're, like-
24. SGShane Gillis
  Crying on the beach? Know what those are.
25. TSTom Segura
  Well, no, just that, like, in the moment-
26. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
27. TSTom Segura
  ... I keep telling myself, "Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic." You know?
28. SGShane Gillis
  Oh.
29. TSTom Segura
  And, uh, and one I, one I remember was in Hawaii where we rented a, a Jeep, and we were like, "We, we wanna go see something," you know? So they tell you, "Oh, take this road." And it, and it takes you to this single road that goes up where there used to be volcanoes, and we come up on this beach. And they had mentioned the beach, but not really too much about it.
30. SGShane Gillis
  What?
30:00 – 45:00
Oh, because your gut…
1. GUGuest
  have to wait 10 minutes.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, because your gut was in the way.
3. SGShane Gillis
  My gut was in the way and it was so uncomfortable.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  D- Dude, you were on stage, uh, Tuesday night, and I was like, "You're too jacked."
5. SGShane Gillis
  (laughs)
6. JRJoe Rogan
  "You're too jacked to take your shirt off now."
7. GUGuest
  He looks great. You look great.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  "It's not funny anymore."
9. SGShane Gillis
  Thank you. It is. I don't... I can't... You know there are people that really believe that?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
11. SGShane Gillis
  There are people that really believe-
12. GUGuest
  I'm sure there are.
13. SGShane Gillis
  ... that, "Oh no, you look funny. You're not funny." You're like-
14. JRJoe Rogan
  It's your-
15. GUGuest
  Bitch.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  ... freedom of you being you is you taking your shirt off.
17. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
18. GUGuest
  If you're-
19. JRJoe Rogan
  The freedom of you being you and now you no longer have a g- a gut and you got jacked shoulders, you got traps and shit, it's like, that's a, a celebration of still who you are.
20. SGShane Gillis
  Yeah.
21. GUGuest
  Oh, so you're still fatter than you were when you were the fat guy?
22. SGShane Gillis
  ... yeah, I'm still fat.
23. GUGuest
  What?
24. SGShane Gillis
  I'm still fat. He got so fat that he lost weight. Everyone's like, "That's amazing." When he started playing the fat guy-
25. GUGuest
  Playing the fat guys-
26. SGShane Gillis
  The fat guy.
27. GUGuest
  ... the fat guy is skinnier than this. You mean when Tom started fat shaming me? Yes.
28. SGShane Gillis
  When Tom was fatter than me and decided to start fat shaming me.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  I naively thought that when we did the first challenge, which was the weight loss challenge that led to a Sober October group-
30. GUGuest
  Yeah.
45:00 – 1:00:00
This is felching. …
1. SGShane Gillis
  This is felching.
2. ASAri Shaffir
  (laughs)
3. GUGuest
  The whole world's gonna listen to this show.
4. ASAri Shaffir
  Do you know how many fucking people are gonna book a video-
5. SGShane Gillis
  (laughs)
6. ASAri Shaffir
  ... with that guy right now?
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, so many. He's rich right now.
8. SGShane Gillis
  I hope he doesn't get in front of our order.
9. ASAri Shaffir
  Oh, they are.
10. GUGuest
  Oh, that guy's gonna be rich.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  You know-
12. GUGuest
  Well, in a perfect world, he would be rich-
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
14. GUGuest
  ... 'cause that's an oddity that-
15. JRJoe Rogan
  He is, yeah.
16. GUGuest
  Like, if you're gonna go that far-
17. ASAri Shaffir
  Performance service.
18. GUGuest
  ... you deserve something.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Why not?
20. GUGuest
  You deserve money.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  That's, that's the only fans I'm signing up for, that guy.
22. GUGuest
  That guy ate his own shit covered in cum, and we watched.
23. ASAri Shaffir
  He didn't even pause.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  And he smiled.
25. GUGuest
  And he smiled, and I-
26. ASAri Shaffir
  The thumbs up is great.
27. GUGuest
  ... who hosted Fear Factor for six years, I almost threw up-
28. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
29. ASAri Shaffir
  Oh, yeah, it's sick.
30. GUGuest
  ... from watching that screen.
1:00:00 – 1:00:52
(laughs) …
1. SGShane Gillis
  the kids. Come on, we'll go out back, I'll show you the swing set, we'll get high." We got high, and then we did the podcast, and I was like, "Man, that is the m-" Here's my thing, is there's generous celebrities, like generous, who give you their time.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
3. SGShane Gillis
  And they're, they don't, maybe they don't notice. And I was like, "This guy's a real fucking guy." Like, "He's cool as fuck." And then we did the podcast, I had a fucking blast. And I remember going home and going like, man, I w- I, uh, I don't wanna say this out loud, but I was like, "I wanna be like that guy." Like, "I wanna be like that guy." Like, cool as fuck, and real. I remember y- I, little things in my life where I've pinpointed things in your life where I go, "Oh, I got a thing that Joe had." Your closet was a fucking mess.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
5. SGShane Gillis
  There were, there were dildos, or not dildos, uh-
6. TSTom Segura
  (laughs)
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Dildos. (laughs)
8. SGShane Gillis
  There was Fleshlights everywhere.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  That when Fleshlight was a sponsor.
10. SGShane Gillis
  And you had so much-
11. JRJoe Rogan
  We had, we would give Fleshlights away too.
12. TSTom Segura
  Sure, if people were getting it in the early days.
13. GUGuest
  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
15. TSTom Segura
  "Hey, do you wanna fuck this when you go home?"
16. SGShane Gillis
  And your, your answer used to be like, "It feels like a pussy."
17. JRJoe Rogan
  I would tell him, "Hey, you should fuck it. Feels great."

Episode duration: 3:36:18

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(drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast,…

How, how swept out?…

Oh, because your gut…

This is felching. …

(laughs) …

Get more out of YouTube videos.