Joe Rogan Experience #2124 - Dave Attell & Ian Fidance

Dave Attell 0:00 (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

Narrator 0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience.

Joe Rogan 0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (energetic music) Gentlemen.

Ian Fidance 0:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:13 Good to see you.

Ian Fidance 0:14 Hey.

Dave Attell 0:14 Joe, thanks for having us.

Ian Fidance 0:15 Ian, Dave, thank you so much.

Joe Rogan 0:17 My pleasure, my pleasure. Thanks for coming to town.

Ian Fidance 0:19 Ah.

Joe Rogan 0:20 Everybody's very excited.

Dave Attell 0:21 I'm excited, dude. Playing the club. Had to bring in Ian, super fan of the show.

Ian Fidance 0:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:26 Well, thanks, Ian.

Ian Fidance 0:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 0:27 I'm- I'm a fan of you, dude.

Ian Fidance 0:29 Oh.

Joe Rogan 0:29 You're a funny motherfucker.

Dave Attell 0:30 Thank you, bro. Means a lot. Appreciate it.

Joe Rogan 0:32 My pleasure, bro. My pleasure.

Ian Fidance 0:32 (laughs) Yeah. I'm excited to be at the club, man. It's the fucking best.

Joe Rogan 0:35 Yeah. I'm excited to have you guys. We're- everybody's been pumped. We're pumped.

Dave Attell 0:38 It's a stroke fest. But you know what, Joe? I'm in town for the club, to hang with you, and also to promote a special. What do you think?

Joe Rogan 0:45 Yay.

Ian Fidance 0:48 (laughs)

Dave Attell 0:49 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 0:49 (laughs)

Dave Attell 0:49 Only, I bring one out every other election year.

Ian Fidance 0:52 Nice.

Dave Attell 0:52 I know, it's- I don't have the turnaround you have, man. You're good.

Joe Rogan 0:55 It's okay. It's, when you put them out, they're fucking magic. Skanks For The Memories is still one of my all-time favorite comedy albums.

Dave Attell 1:01 Mm.

Joe Rogan 1:01 It's a fucking classic.

Dave Attell 1:02 It's weird when you- I'm sure you have this, where a fan comes up to you and they repeat one of your most horrific jokes.

Ian Fidance 1:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:08 (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:08 You know, like, "Hey, man, those titties ain't..." I'm like, "Whoa."

Ian Fidance 1:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:12 (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:12 Say it in a corner. Not here.

Joe Rogan 1:15 You know what happens to me sometimes? People bring up bits that I totally forgot.

Dave Attell 1:17 Oh, true.

Joe Rogan 1:18 I'm like, "Oh my god, how does that go?" I'll have to ask them.

Dave Attell 1:21 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:21 "How did it go? Oh yeah, there ... " and everything. What was that on?

Dave Attell 1:25 Yup, that's what it is, man.

Ian Fidance 1:26 Yeah.

Dave Attell 1:26 It's all a blur.

Joe Rogan 1:27 But we're old.

Dave Attell 1:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:29 David, we are old now.

Dave Attell 1:30 I am very... I was... My mom's been in the hospital, right? I went in there and people thought I was the patient.

Ian Fidance 1:34 (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:34 I was sitting in the room with her and they kept coming over to me. I'm like, "Her, her." I wish it was a joke. It's not. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:42 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 1:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:43 Oh. I've known you for at least 30 years.

Dave Attell 1:46 For sure.

Joe Rogan 1:47 Yeah.

Dave Attell 1:47 Well, it looks better on you than on me, so... (laughs) That's for sure.

Joe Rogan 1:50 (laughs) Come on.

Dave Attell 1:50 That's why I brought in my, uh, my intern-

Joe Rogan 1:52 Yeah. (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:52 ... to take some of the slack off.

Ian Fidance 1:53 Wait, you guys are the same age?

Dave Attell 1:55 Oh, that can't be possible.

Joe Rogan 1:56 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 1:56 (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:56 I'm older than you. I'm older than you.

Joe Rogan 1:58 How old are you?

Dave Attell 1:58 59.

Joe Rogan 1:59 I'm 56.

Dave Attell 2:00 Okay. Well, there you go. See?

Joe Rogan 2:02 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 2:02 Yeah.

Dave Attell 2:02 Three years ago, I looked like that.

Joe Rogan 2:04 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 2:04 (laughs)

Dave Attell 2:04 And now, now, I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened to me.

Joe Rogan 2:07 It's all about the maintenance.

Dave Attell 2:09 Well, yeah, you put the time in.

Joe Rogan 2:10 You got to keep that maintenance up.

Dave Attell 2:11 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 2:12 I saw it coming a long time ago, though. I saw it coming, like, in my 30s.

Dave Attell 2:16 Yeah, but you never were like this. I mean, like, you never were flabby.

Joe Rogan 2:18 No, I never let myself go.

Dave Attell 2:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:19 I never let myself go. I'm terrified of it.

Dave Attell 2:22 Really?

Joe Rogan 2:22 Yeah, because I've been injured before. I've had a bunch of surgeries. I know what it's like to, like, have things not work good. I'm like, oh, you got to do everything you can to make sure the fucking wheels are still on the machine.

Dave Attell 2:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:33 Because if you don't, uh, you know, we all know guys who... Like Patrice, we lost Patrice.

Dave Attell 2:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 2:39 We all know guys who don't take care of themselves and fucking shits just starts breaking.

Dave Attell 2:44 What do you think-

Joe Rogan 2:44 And they just start falling apart.

Dave Attell 2:46 I'm glad you brought up Patrice, because we've lost a lot of greats.

Joe Rogan 2:48 Yeah.

Dave Attell 2:48 But Patrice is the one... A lot of people, like, you know, uh, super fans always bring up Patrice. What would he do in the age of Ozempic? What do you think?

Joe Rogan 2:57 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 2:57 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 2:57 Uh, I- I don't think he would go along with it.

Dave Attell 3:01 I could see him putting it on like a, like a cheeseburger or something.

Ian Fidance 3:05 (laughs)

Dave Attell 3:05 You know?

Joe Rogan 3:05 He just was not... He's just...

Dave Attell 3:07 He's not into it.

Joe Rogan 3:07 He's not into a fuck category. He's not gonna do it. Like, Brian Simpson got on it for a little while. It was terrible for him.

Dave Attell 3:13 Really?

Joe Rogan 3:13 He had terrible reaction.

Dave Attell 3:15 Wow.

Joe Rogan 3:15 Yeah. And I was... And I- I taught those guys how to eat better. I'm like, "Just stop eating all the bullshit and you, you'd be amazed at how much better you feel."

Dave Attell 3:22 What do you think is bullshit? Like, in these times.

Joe Rogan 3:24 Bread and carbs.

Dave Attell 3:25 Really?

Joe Rogan 3:25 Not all carbs. Like, uh, it's, it's not... Like, vegetables are fantastic for you. But I'm not a pro- I'm not, I'm not one of those people that thinks that you should be on any particular diet. Because I think diets are different for every person. Some people, vegetarian, vegan, they're fine.

Dave Attell 3:41 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 3:41 Some people, they fall apart. It's... You gotta figure out what the fuck is right for you. But for everybody-

Dave Attell 3:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:46 ... sugar.

Dave Attell 3:47 Mm-hmm.

Ian Fidance 3:48 Real.

Joe Rogan 3:48 For everybody. It's the-

Dave Attell 3:49 Even sweetener, no good?

Joe Rogan 3:51 Well, like, artificial sweetener.

Dave Attell 3:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 3:53 If that kills you, you're a fucking pussy.

Dave Attell 3:55 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 3:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 3:56 People have been taking... Di- Diet Coke takes you out? Get the fuck out of here.

Ian Fidance 4:00 Overdosed on stevia. (laughs)

Dave Attell 4:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:01 Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not afraid of xylitol.

Ian Fidance 4:04 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 4:05 I think, I think that, um, it's fucking pasta and bread for a lot of people. I know it is for me. I overconsume calories when I eat that stuff.

Dave Attell 4:13 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 4:13 Because it's just... It's so wonderful to stuff in your fat face.

Dave Attell 4:18 Mm-hmm. So when, when-

Joe Rogan 4:18 Like lasagna or something.

Dave Attell 4:20 Oh, yeah. When's the last time you had a piece of cake? Just like-

Joe Rogan 4:22 Oh, I'll have it.

Dave Attell 4:22 ... shits and giggles.

Joe Rogan 4:23 I'll do it every now and then.

Dave Attell 4:24 There you go.

Joe Rogan 4:24 Like once a week or something like that. I give myself a day where I don't give a shit. I'll eat pizza.

Dave Attell 4:28 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 4:28 I'll have a cheeseburger.

Ian Fidance 4:28 What about... What is carbo-loading? Aren't you supposed to do a bunch of that before you do like a race or your ride, bikes?

Dave Attell 4:33 Yeah. Yeah, that's some... A lot of guys do that. Um, that, that... You'd have to talk to, like, endurance athletes about that. But essentially they're just like taking in a lot of carbohydrates before like ultra marathons-

Ian Fidance 4:44 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 4:44 ... and things like that. And then they also have gels. They have these carb gels they'll squirt in their mouth-

Ian Fidance 4:49 Oh, wow.

Dave Attell 4:50 ... when they're running. Yeah, they're just all about performance. Those, those folks are all about just like-

Ian Fidance 4:54 Yeah.

Dave Attell 4:54 ... trying to squeeze out another two or three minutes in a 100-mile race.

Ian Fidance 5:00 Oh, that's crazy.

Dave Attell 5:01 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 5:01 I ride a bike in New York City, so I'd eat a ton of pasta and I'm riding three miles. I'm like, "I got to carbo-load." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 5:07 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 5:07 This is important.

Joe Rogan 5:08 But that's a fucking workout though.

Ian Fidance 5:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:10 Boy, that's so good for your health, except for the fact that you're breathing in brake dust.

Dave Attell 5:14 Oh. I think that's the least of it in New York.

Ian Fidance 5:16 Oh yeah. (humming)

Dave Attell 5:16 It's kind of like, it's kind of like... (laughs) You're driving through like a zombie horde, you know?

Ian Fidance 5:21 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave Attell 5:22 It's like...

Ian Fidance 5:22 Homeless dust.

Dave Attell 5:23 You're pedaling and you're also kind of basically like, "Away, get away."

Ian Fidance 5:27 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:27 Thought about wearing like armor. (laughs)

Ian Fidance 5:29 (laughs)

Dave Attell 5:30 Charge of the Light Brigade.

Ian Fidance 5:31 (laughs)

Dave Attell 5:31 I have used my bike chain as like a mace.

Joe Rogan 5:34 For real?

Ian Fidance 5:35 Oh, yeah. He's gotten some-

Dave Attell 5:36 To hold people away from you?

Ian Fidance 5:37 Oh, yeah.

Dave Attell 5:37 He's gotten some great tangles, by the way. (laughs) Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 5:39 Oh, yeah.

Ian Fidance 5:39 Yeah, he has, yeah.

Dave Attell 5:40 Is it that bad down there?

Joe Rogan 5:41 Oh, yeah.

Ian Fidance 5:42 I mean, uh, you, you gotta learn... Sometimes you have to pop off because cars will turn and they act like you don't exist.

Dave Attell 5:48 Right.

Ian Fidance 5:48 So you gotta like yell and everything.

Joe Rogan 5:49 Right.

Ian Fidance 5:50 And a lot of these guys, especially since the pandemic, is everything's food delivery, so they all go down the wrong way.

Dave Attell 5:56 Mm-hmm.

Ian Fidance 5:56 They're all buzzing around you on the side.

Joe Rogan 5:58 Oh, god.

Ian Fidance 5:58 It's terrible. And this guy, this guy caught me on a bad one. I was having a bad day and he was coming at me. And I was like, "Wrong way, asshole." And he came up, got in front of me, stopped and was like, "Asshole? You are an asshole." And he smacked my coffee out of my hand.

Dave Attell 6:11 A white guy?

Ian Fidance 6:12 ... yeah, it was, it was white-

Dave Attell 6:14 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:14 It sounds like.

Ian Fidance 6:14 That's why I said something.

Dave Attell 6:15 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 6:15 It sounds really white.

Dave Attell 6:16 The, that southern drawl really gave it away.

Joe Rogan 6:17 Yeah. He sounds like a really privileged guy from the suburbs.

Dave Attell 6:20 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 6:20 Yeah. (laughs) Yeah. No, if it was, you know-

Dave Attell 6:21 A Yale, EA?

Ian Fidance 6:22 ... someone from the Bronx-

Joe Rogan 6:22 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 6:23 ... I would have been like, "Fair enough."

Dave Attell 6:24 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:24 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 6:24 "Good for you, sir. I'm wrong."

Joe Rogan 6:26 So he climbed out, smacked your coffee.

Ian Fidance 6:28 Oh, yeah, and I spit in his face.

Joe Rogan 6:30 Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.

Ian Fidance 6:32 And then I got... I, I went down, and then he came up again and took his phone out and, uh, started to tape me. And I was like, "You're a fucking pussy. You fucking snitch." And I took my chain, and I was like, "You wanna be fucking tough? Let's be tough." And he was like, "Are you crazy?"

Dave Attell 6:45 Now, she's-

Ian Fidance 6:45 And I rode away, and I went, "Welcome to New York," 'cause there was a whole crowd of people watching.

Joe Rogan 6:49 That's coming from the guy who just saw Ghostbusters how many times?

Dave Attell 6:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 6:53 This guy is a Ghostbuster nut.

Ian Fidance 6:55 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 6:56 He's a fanatic. He was probably coached. "If anyone gives you hard time, you film."

Ian Fidance 7:01 Oh, yeah.

Dave Attell 7:01 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:02 "Film them. Shame them."

Dave Attell 7:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:04 "You don't like immigrants."

Dave Attell 7:06 Oh, yeah.

Ian Fidance 7:06 Well, no, he was French, so...

Joe Rogan 7:09 Oh.

Ian Fidance 7:09 That was a terrible French accent, but-

Joe Rogan 7:10 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 7:10 ... that was-

Joe Rogan 7:11 He is French.

Dave Attell 7:11 I didn't get that at all.

Joe Rogan 7:12 Yeah, no.

Dave Attell 7:13 I didn't get that at all on that one.

Joe Rogan 7:15 He didn't sound like-

Ian Fidance 7:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:15 ... an immigrant. He sounded like-

Dave Attell 7:15 No, no, no.

Joe Rogan 7:15 ... an terrorist.

Dave Attell 7:16 I made him sound Uzbeki, but he was French.

Joe Rogan 7:18 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 7:18 Yeah, but you gotta be careful fighting people from other countries. They play by different rules.

Dave Attell 7:22 That's true.

Joe Rogan 7:22 Oh, yeah.

Ian Fidance 7:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 7:24 You know, you're with a guy, you're tangling, all of a sudden he pulls out a snake.

Ian Fidance 7:28 (laughs)

Dave Attell 7:28 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:28 (laughs)

Dave Attell 7:28 I got to poison this viper on me.

Joe Rogan 7:30 (laughs)

Dave Attell 7:31 You know who told me that? This guy, um, I knew from Malaysia.

Ian Fidance 7:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 7:34 (laughs)

Dave Attell 7:34 He said, "You know, in Malaysia, you know, you go to a bar, and these guys have these rings that are dipped in poison." So like, you know, you'd be with a guy and all of a sudden he'll like, on the back like, like that, and they're like-

Ian Fidance 7:44 Yeah.

Dave Attell 7:45 ... "Ow, what was that? Like a pinprick?"

Ian Fidance 7:46 And then you're dead.

Joe Rogan 7:47 Then you're dead.

Dave Attell 7:47 And then you're dead like a day later.

Ian Fidance 7:48 No.

Joe Rogan 7:48 (laughs)

Dave Attell 7:48 It's a Malaysian hello.

Joe Rogan 7:51 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 7:51 (laughs)

Dave Attell 7:51 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 7:51 Like those spears dipped in shit-

Joe Rogan 7:52 Assassins. (laughs)

Ian Fidance 7:52 ... in Vietnam?

Dave Attell 7:53 Something like that.

Ian Fidance 7:54 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 7:54 You could probably survive the spear dipped in shit before you could f- survive the poison.

Dave Attell 7:58 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 7:58 Yeah.

Dave Attell 7:59 But I was like, "Malaysia, wow." Tough... It's a tough, tough scene over there.

Joe Rogan 8:03 (laughs)

Dave Attell 8:04 Well, Ian is, um, you know, uh, what was I gonna say? Like, um, we've been working together for a long time.

Ian Fidance 8:09 Yeah.

Dave Attell 8:10 And, uh, he's sober too, you know, so I'm sorry, this is kind of like a bore, but, um-

Joe Rogan 8:14 (laughs)

Dave Attell 8:14 ... you know, the sober life on the road is not very cool, you know, the chain smoking and the, uh-

Joe Rogan 8:19 Yeah.

Dave Attell 8:19 ... coffee. That's pretty much it.

Ian Fidance 8:20 But we go, we go on adventures.

Dave Attell 8:22 We do.

Ian Fidance 8:22 Daytime sober adventures.

Joe Rogan 8:23 What do you think it would be like sober? No coffee, no cigarettes.

Dave Attell 8:27 Oh, I can tell you right now-

Ian Fidance 8:28 Suicide.

Joe Rogan 8:29 (laughs)

Dave Attell 8:29 ... 'cause uh, my plane was delayed and I hadn't had a coffee in 12 hours. I got that weird headache, you know what I'm talking about?

Ian Fidance 8:35 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 8:35 Yeah.

Dave Attell 8:35 It's like, like it... from the, from the front all the way to the back and I was like, "That's coffee withdrawal right there."

Joe Rogan 8:39 Mm. Yeah.

Ian Fidance 8:40 Yeah. We also don't drink water.

Dave Attell 8:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:42 Yeah.

Dave Attell 8:42 Water is for... Yeah. No.

Joe Rogan 8:44 Normally drink coffee?

Dave Attell 8:45 Pretty much.

Joe Rogan 8:46 (laughs)

Dave Attell 8:46 Yeah. Dehydration is my...

Ian Fidance 8:47 I have to remind him to drink water.

Joe Rogan 8:48 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 8:48 Yeah. I'm like, "Here's a water, David."

Dave Attell 8:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:50 Oh my God, doesn't want it.

Dave Attell 8:51 Oh my God. It's really, uh... Yeah.

Joe Rogan 8:53 Yeah.

Dave Attell 8:53 That's like the, the least you can do for your body and I'm like, "Nah, I don't think so."

Ian Fidance 8:56 Well, those connecting flights are hell when you can't smoke cigarettes.

Dave Attell 9:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:00 Mm-hmm.

Ian Fidance 9:00 That's like an eight-hour connecting flight, then you gotta smoke in the family bathroom at the airport.

Dave Attell 9:04 There's only one airport-

Joe Rogan 9:06 Ugh.

Dave Attell 9:06 ... where you can smoke and that's, uh, Vegas, I think.

Joe Rogan 9:09 Is that the only one that has a booth?

Ian Fidance 9:10 Ten.

Dave Attell 9:10 It has that weird... Yeah, like that-

Joe Rogan 9:12 That coffin room?

Dave Attell 9:13 Yeah, that kind of... Everyone can-

Ian Fidance 9:14 Can you smoke in the Nashville airport too?

Dave Attell 9:16 ... stare at you and shame you. I don't, I don't think so.

Ian Fidance 9:17 I don't think so.

Joe Rogan 9:17 Bro, that is the wildest thing they ever did, give you a box where you could do drugs in.

Ian Fidance 9:21 (laughs)

Dave Attell 9:22 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:22 Just say, "Get in there."

Dave Attell 9:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:24 'Cause it's gonna fuck up everybody else, so get in there-

Ian Fidance 9:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:27 ... so you don't fuck it up for everybody else.

Ian Fidance 9:27 Get in your little cage.

Dave Attell 9:28 Live it up.

Joe Rogan 9:29 You little rat. Well, the crazy thing is you used to be able to smoke on the fucking plane.

Ian Fidance 9:32 Yes.

Dave Attell 9:33 Yes.

Joe Rogan 9:33 I remember it clearly when I was a kid. Dice used to have a bit about it, The Smoking Section.

Ian Fidance 9:40 (laughs)

Dave Attell 9:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:40 We're on a fucking tube.

Ian Fidance 9:44 (laughs)

Dave Attell 9:44 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:44 It's all the same air.

Dave Attell 9:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 9:48 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 9:49 They the best.

Dave Attell 9:49 That's 'cause they had a fucking smoking section.

Ian Fidance 9:51 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 9:52 Yeah.

Dave Attell 9:52 They joke... Try doing that joke today, people are like, "What? Smoking on a plane?"

Ian Fidance 9:55 Even smoking jokes, people are like, "What are you talking about?"

Joe Rogan 9:57 Yeah.

Dave Attell 9:57 And I thought smoking was back. I thought all the scenesters, the, um, the posers are into smoking cigarettes now because vaping became too mainstream. I thought that they went to-

Joe Rogan 10:05 Oh.

Ian Fidance 10:05 Oh, the rep, rep-

Dave Attell 10:06 That's what I've heard in New York like-

Joe Rogan 10:07 ork.

Dave Attell 10:07 ... smoking in a restaurant, smoking in a bar somewhere, just to have like... it's kind of like a retro kind of look how cool I am.

Joe Rogan 10:13 Mm.

Dave Attell 10:13 You know?

Joe Rogan 10:14 Well, it's, it's trading the moment for the future.

Dave Attell 10:17 True. That is true, but I was just in a hospital with old people.

Joe Rogan 10:20 What do you mean?

Dave Attell 10:20 There's not much future.

Joe Rogan 10:21 You want that moment.

Dave Attell 10:21 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 10:23 Oh.

Joe Rogan 10:24 You trade that moment for like a decay.

Dave Attell 10:27 Yes.

Joe Rogan 10:27 A certain amount of decay you're gonna experience in your future.

Ian Fidance 10:29 Yeah, I'll take it.

Joe Rogan 10:31 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 10:31 You gotta live in the moment, you know.

Joe Rogan 10:33 Sure, until you can't.

Dave Attell 10:35 Well-

Ian Fidance 10:35 Yeah.

Dave Attell 10:36 ... I'm telling you, I was just around, uh, a lot of old people, like, uh, the woman next to my mom in the hospital, 100 years old.

Joe Rogan 10:42 Wow.

Ian Fidance 10:42 No.

Dave Attell 10:42 And she was no Betty White, by the way, all right?

Ian Fidance 10:45 (laughs)

Dave Attell 10:45 It was like, uh, we peeked through the curtain, it's like, "Hi." And it was just like eyes over a oxygen mask glaring at us, like, "Whoa, okay, we get it." (laughs) "I'll see you at the hardware store in heaven."

Joe Rogan 11:00 And she was done.

Dave Attell 11:01 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:03 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 11:03 (laughs)

Dave Attell 11:03 She was done.

Joe Rogan 11:03 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 11:03 (laughs)

Dave Attell 11:03 But you're gonna live forever. I mean, we all know that.

Joe Rogan 11:05 That's not possible.

Dave Attell 11:06 Come on.

Joe Rogan 11:06 No one's living forever.

Dave Attell 11:07 Well...

Joe Rogan 11:08 But my goal is just to stay healthy.

Ian Fidance 11:10 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 11:11 Just keep it moving.

Ian Fidance 11:12 (clears throat)

Dave Attell 11:12 Keep it moving.

Joe Rogan 11:12 Make sure, make sure it moves good.

Dave Attell 11:14 Would you eventually segue like from like, like a less, um, strenuous workout? You know what I'm saying? Like when you get older?

Joe Rogan 11:20 Not unless I have to.

Dave Attell 11:21 Like a tai chi in a park, nothing like that?

Joe Rogan 11:23 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 11:23 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:24 I get to do a tai chi in a park.

Dave Attell 11:25 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:25 Tai chi in a park makes you look like you read a lot.

Dave Attell 11:27 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 11:30 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 11:30 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:31 You know? You're like really into esoteric things.

Dave Attell 11:33 It's true.

Joe Rogan 11:34 You're out there moving slow in the park doing (clears throat) an ancient kung fu.

Dave Attell 11:39 In New York that's called methadone. People are just like-

Joe Rogan 11:42 Oh. (laughs)

Ian Fidance 11:42 (laughs)

Dave Attell 11:42 ... in their own like world.

Joe Rogan 11:44 I used to go to this pool hall, and the, the methadone clinic was right down the street. And so, uh, my friend Johnny used to call them the Methadonians.

Ian Fidance 11:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 11:52 They'd come in, they'd get their dose, and they'd just come in and play pool, and they're like...

Dave Attell 11:56 Perfect.

Joe Rogan 11:56 The best. For sure, they were high.

Dave Attell 11:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:59 This idea that methadone- Oh, yeah. ... is like that's what stops you from using heroin, right? Right. But it also gets you high, right? Dude.

Ian Fidance 12:06 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:06 That's like suboxone.

Dave Attell 12:07 Yeah. I know guys who are ad- addicted to methadone.

Joe Rogan 12:09 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 12:09 Mm-hmm. And, uh, what was I gonna say? That you can take with just a pill, right? Isn't that what that is?

Ian Fidance 12:14 You can drink it too.

Dave Attell 12:15 You can?

Ian Fidance 12:16 Yeah.

Dave Attell 12:16 Wow.And, and Suboxone is the same thing. It's just like-

Joe Rogan 12:21 Yeah. I had a guy come in and explain that on the podcast once. He actually ran a clinic-

Dave Attell 12:25 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 12:25 ... at one point in time, and he was explaining how they're just getting you hooked on these other things.

Dave Attell 12:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:30 And these other things also get you high.

Dave Attell 12:32 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 12:33 Did you... Have you done it before?

Dave Attell 12:34 No.

Joe Rogan 12:34 Suboxone?

Dave Attell 12:35 No, no. But I mean, it's, it's just like-

Joe Rogan 12:38 I've heard mixed reviews, though. Some people say it doesn't do that to you. Some-

Dave Attell 12:42 Well, I mean, it's like, whatever gets you off the thing that's killing you, you know, it's like harm reduction, but eventually, you gotta get off that if, if you wanna be, like, totally sober.

Joe Rogan 12:49 But from what my understanding is that methadone is just as bad, if not worse for you.

Dave Attell 12:54 Really?

Joe Rogan 12:54 I really... I don't think it's good for you.

Dave Attell 12:56 I mean, my cousin's on it. She's doing great.

Joe Rogan 13:00 Well, I think Dr.-

Dave Attell 13:00 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 13:00 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:00 Well, there you go. I think Dr. Carl Hart-

Ian Fidance 13:01 What more do you need? Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:03 ... told me. I think that if... You know, the, the problem with fucking any opiates is it's n-... You, your body develops a tolerance.

Dave Attell 13:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:11 And then you go Rush Limbaugh.

Dave Attell 13:13 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:13 Like, Rush was taking, like, 99 pills a day or something crazy.

Dave Attell 13:17 Wow. Yeah. Really?

Joe Rogan 13:18 He went deaf from it, supposedly.

Dave Attell 13:19 Jesus Christ.

Joe Rogan 13:20 Yeah. (laughs)

Dave Attell 13:21 Oh, I didn't know that about him.

Joe Rogan 13:22 Yeah.

Dave Attell 13:24 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 13:24 Holy fuck.

Joe Rogan 13:24 I'm like, "Homeboy's going hard."

Dave Attell 13:26 That explains it.

Joe Rogan 13:27 He had his maid buying him, you know, you know, just like, Excellence In Broadcasting.

Dave Attell 13:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:30 I just imagine him just fucking blasted out of his mind.

Dave Attell 13:34 90.

Joe Rogan 13:35 Wandering around his house.

Dave Attell 13:36 Just yelling the most horrific things.

Ian Fidance 13:38 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:38 On opiates.

Dave Attell 13:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:39 You know?

Dave Attell 13:40 That's gotta be the life.

Joe Rogan 13:40 With, like, a rubber band around his balls.

Ian Fidance 13:42 (laughs)

Dave Attell 13:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 13:44 Just, just fucking out to lunch. Painkillers may have caused Limbaugh's deafness.

Dave Attell 13:50 Wow. I didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 13:51 Why? Could- Could a common painkiller inf-... Taken in massive quantities, by the way, uh, contributed to Rush Limbaugh's well-known hearing loss. Research findings suggest that the radio talk show host's apparent addiction to Vicodin could be the culprit behind his mysterious attack of deafness two years ago.

Ian Fidance 14:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 14:08 Doctors over the past several years have reported dozens of cases of Vicodin addicts who become deaf, and in some cases, only regain their hearing with the help of cochlear implants, such as the one received by Limbaugh. "It's pretty clear that there's an association," says Dr. Jeffrey Harris, an ear specialist, University of California San Diego Medical School. "The ear is sensitive to drugs and this particular association with Vicodin has become more relevant as people are getting their hands on it as a recreational drug."

Dave Attell 14:36 Mm.

Joe Rogan 14:37 How many did he take at the height of his pilliness? Find that, because I think it was really nutty.

Dave Attell 14:43 (laughs) That's 90.

Joe Rogan 14:43 I think, I think he was up to like... I think he was in the 90s.

Dave Attell 14:47 Wow.

Ian Fidance 14:47 A day?

Joe Rogan 14:47 A day.

Ian Fidance 14:48 (clears throat)

Dave Attell 14:49 That's crazy. I took 90 in a week and I was flying high. I can't imagine a day-

Joe Rogan 14:53 I took... I, I believe it was Vicodin that I took once when I had, uh, knee surgery.

Dave Attell 14:57 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 14:57 And, and it was... I was like, "I'd rather be in pain." Like, "I feel so stupid."

Dave Attell 15:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:03 But then I had a buddy of mine who was a musician, and he said he would take it and it would ha- really help with his creativity when he's writing songs.

Dave Attell 15:10 Really? Wow.

Ian Fidance 15:11 Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 15:11 Yeah.

Dave Attell 15:11 Sounds like an excuse.

Joe Rogan 15:13 But it's... I think it's a thing. I th- It's, well, definitely a crutch, right?

Dave Attell 15:16 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:16 But I think it's a thing where it's, like, different for different people, like for some... Like, for Stanhope, weed is horrific.

Dave Attell 15:22 Yeah. No, he's not a weed guy.

Joe Rogan 15:23 You can't, you can't do it.

Dave Attell 15:24 Yeah. He's an OG drunk.

Joe Rogan 15:26 Right.

Dave Attell 15:26 Yep.

Joe Rogan 15:26 But for me, weed is like, "This is wonderful."

Dave Attell 15:28 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 15:29 Like, I love it. Like, everything's great. But I just think it's... I think the, the, the div- div- diversity of, like, how... The, the differences in people's, like, just chemistry-

Dave Attell 15:39 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 15:40 ... is very underappreciated, in terms of tolerance to food, in terms of, you know, how much you can exercise.

Dave Attell 15:47 Oh, it's different. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 15:47 Like, uh, what kind of diseases you're gonna get. Like, there's... It's biodiversity, man.

Dave Attell 15:52 Well, you gotta try it to find out.

Joe Rogan 15:53 Yeah. We're all fucking different, like anyone size fits all. Get the fuck outta here with that. That, that doesn't work with people.

Dave Attell 16:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 16:00 We're so different.

Dave Attell 16:01 Right.

Joe Rogan 16:01 We're almost like a bunch of different species all smooshed up together.

Dave Attell 16:05 Yeah. When I had, uh, shoulder surgery, uh, they gave me a pain blocker. Have you ever had one of those?

Joe Rogan 16:10 No.

Dave Attell 16:11 It, like, lasts about 12 hours and it just blocks the, uh, nerve-

Joe Rogan 16:15 Oh, I had one when I had sur-... Yeah, when I had surgery.

Dave Attell 16:17 Yeah, when the surgery.

Joe Rogan 16:17 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's-

Dave Attell 16:17 So I'm like why have z-... Why hasn't that gotten recreational? 'Cause it was, like, awesome. It was like I was walking around like... I didn't feel like I had a surgery.

Joe Rogan 16:23 Was it an epidural? Where they go into your spine? Is that what you're saying?

Dave Attell 16:25 No, no. They just put something, like, on it.

Joe Rogan 16:28 Oh.

Dave Attell 16:28 I think. Or, no, no, no, you're right. It was in me and then it dissolved or something like that, so, so-

Joe Rogan 16:33 Oh. No, with an epidural, they... It's like a spine block.

Dave Attell 16:36 Okay.

Joe Rogan 16:36 So they do... It's like if you wanna be conscious. Like, I was conscious when I got my knee operated on, so they basically paralyzed me below the waist.

Dave Attell 16:43 Wow, that's scary.

Joe Rogan 16:44 And then they... It was wild.

Ian Fidance 16:45 Why would you want that?

Joe Rogan 16:46 I wanted to see it.

Dave Attell 16:47 'Cause you-

Joe Rogan 16:48 I wanted to see what the surgery looked like. I wanted to see my knee being pulled apart and screwed in together.

Dave Attell 16:53 Oh, God.

Joe Rogan 16:53 I wanted to... Like, they said I could watch it.

Ian Fidance 16:55 Couldn't you just watch it later?

Joe Rogan 16:56 No, no, no.

Dave Attell 16:57 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 16:57 Well, this was 1990.

Dave Attell 16:59 Oh, shit.

Joe Rogan 16:59 Whatever it was.

Ian Fidance 17:00 Oh, my God.

Joe Rogan 17:00 And so, you know, I said, "What are the options?" And the, the, the doctor said, "Well, most people, we just put them under." I go, "B- but why would you not put them under?" And he said, "Because e- sometimes people wanna be awake." And I said, "Well, what happens if you're awake? Like, can I watch?" And he's like, "Yeah." And I go, "Okay, let's do that." I wanna see it.

Dave Attell 17:18 So you could talk and everything while you were doing it?

Joe Rogan 17:20 Yeah, I could.

Dave Attell 17:21 Wow. Yeah.

Ian Fidance 17:21 And you didn't feel any panic?

Joe Rogan 17:23 Mm-mm. No, it was interesting.

Ian Fidance 17:25 Be interesting.

Joe Rogan 17:26 It was interesting 'cause I didn't, I didn't feel any pain, so I was watching the doctor screw it in and hammer it and fucking-

Dave Attell 17:32 Oh, man.

Joe Rogan 17:32 It's like, "Whoo."

Ian Fidance 17:33 Did at any point were you like, "Am I dead?"

Joe Rogan 17:35 No. No. No, the doctor was awesome.

Ian Fidance 17:38 It wasn't out of body? They don't-

Joe Rogan 17:39 No, no, no.

Ian Fidance 17:40 (sighs) .

Joe Rogan 17:40 Because you're, you're, you're essentially sitting there. I think... I, I think the way I was seeing it was on a monitor if I remember correctly. I think there was like... They had, like, a cotton shield in front of me and my legs were there, and then I was looking up at a monitor if I remember correctly.

Dave Attell 17:56 Wow.

Joe Rogan 17:56 It's hard... It's a long time ago. It's hard to remember.

Dave Attell 17:58 He didn't get sick.

Joe Rogan 17:58 But I do remember him manipulating my leg and moving it around and...

Ian Fidance 18:02 Mm.

Joe Rogan 18:03 It was fucked. I didn't have an ACL, so they had to-

Dave Attell 18:06 Wow.

Joe Rogan 18:06 And it's this pretty serious operation because they have to take a piece of your patella tendon with a chunk of bone from your shin and a chunk of bone from your kneecap, and they pull that out, and then they put it inside your knee and screw it in place.

Dave Attell 18:21 Wow.Just the sounds alone would have creeped me out.

Joe Rogan 18:23 It's crazy.

Dave Attell 18:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 18:25 When you hear the, the bone crunching, 'cause the, the fucking screw is going into it, you're like, "Yo."

Dave Attell 18:31 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 18:31 I want him to knock me out of the dentist.

Joe Rogan 18:33 This is wild.

Ian Fidance 18:33 I can't imagine ACL surgery.

Dave Attell 18:36 This is wild. And then afterwards, he was manipulating it too. Like afterwards, like, I was watching him move it around. I'm like, "Wow." And what was the recovery on that? Like, how long?

Joe Rogan 18:42 It took a long time.

Dave Attell 18:43 I'm sure.

Joe Rogan 18:44 Yeah, that's a long one because it's, there's so much trauma going on in there, that I think that took like a year before my knee felt normal.

Dave Attell 18:50 The knee is harder than the shoulder, right? In terms of-

Joe Rogan 18:52 No, the shoulder's very hard.

Dave Attell 18:53 The shoulder's hard?

Joe Rogan 18:54 Very hard, because the shoulder moves all over the place.

Dave Attell 18:57 Oh, okay.

Narrator 18:57 This is the only thing I could find. He had, when he was arrested, they had over two th- he had 2,000 plus painkillers in his possession.

Dave Attell 19:05 In his system or on him?

Narrator 19:06 His, uh, housekeeper claims that he did over 30 oxys a day.

Joe Rogan 19:11 But that's oxys. That's not Vicodins, right?

Dave Attell 19:13 See, that's what they gave me after my surgery, oxy.

Narrator 19:14 He had hydrocodone, Lorusset-

Joe Rogan 19:16 Oh, he had everything. (laughs)

Narrator 19:17 ... and nor, Nor- Norcan, or, you know, a few things.

Joe Rogan 19:20 Oh, which could-

Narrator 19:20 Norcos.

Joe Rogan 19:20 ... hydrocodone can cause hearing loss, it says. Wow. Imagine like, what a-

Dave Attell 19:26 Pill freak.

Joe Rogan 19:26 ... what a hell that is too-

Dave Attell 19:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:28 ... when you're a guy who has headphones on for a living.

Narrator 19:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 19:32 Like, he... And your, your pill thing is so wacky-

Dave Attell 19:35 You can't stop.

Joe Rogan 19:36 It's so wacky you can't stop-

Dave Attell 19:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 19:37 ... to the point where your, your fucking hearing goes away. Like now you can't do your job.

Ian Fidance 19:41 But your feeling's so good, just with that oxy itch and everything, and then one day you can't hear. What a nightmare. The thing you love.

Joe Rogan 19:48 I don't think you're feeling good, dude.

Dave Attell 19:49 But he's probably got like five doctors-

Ian Fidance 19:51 Yeah.

Dave Attell 19:51 ... to write those scripts like that, 'cause you know, I mean, honestly, isn't it illegal to like, you know?

Joe Rogan 19:55 Well, he was living in Florida.

Dave Attell 19:56 Oh, that's during the pill mill.

Joe Rogan 19:57 And this was during-

Dave Attell 19:58 Yeah, that's like the pill mill, yeah.

Ian Fidance 20:00 Yeah. That's what the movie-

Dave Attell 20:00 That's a great doc on, uh, Netflix.

Narrator 20:02 Yeah.

Dave Attell 20:02 That, uh, the guys were making all that money just selling like fake (laughs) , you know, like it was just like, anybody, people coming in at Kentucky.

Joe Rogan 20:08 Yeah.

Dave Attell 20:08 Like, "Hey, I got a, I got a bursitis." "Okay, here you go."

Joe Rogan 20:11 That's my friend Mariana Van Zeller. She... It's the Oxycontin express. That, that lady, that lady's a gangster. But she, uh, exposed the whole thing where they don't have a database.

Dave Attell 20:22 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:22 So you can go from one place... They're basically pain management centers. Do you remember those?

Dave Attell 20:26 Yeah, it's-

Narrator 20:27 Yeah.

Dave Attell 20:27 It's all done now.

Joe Rogan 20:27 It's, it's crazy. "Okay, Mr. Limbaugh and I have maintained from the start that there was no doctor shopping, and when you c- we continue to hold this position."

Dave Attell 20:35 Oh, that's nice.

Joe Rogan 20:36 Mr. Black said. I love how he says that just that way, like he's s- giving up the fact that he's playing a game. "We continue to hold this position." (laughs)

Dave Attell 20:45 Wow.

Joe Rogan 20:46 That's... You're playing a chess game. You're literally like saying it in what you're saying. There was no doctor shopping. I don't know what you're talking about.

Dave Attell 20:53 But maybe back... Like, he had to be doing this for years and years and years, right?

Joe Rogan 20:57 No, if he's getting 2,000 pills-

Dave Attell 20:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:59 ... you're going doctor shopping.

Ian Fidance 21:00 Yeah.

Dave Attell 21:00 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:00 Or you're buying it from a drug dealer. It's one of those two options.

Dave Attell 21:04 Amazing.

Ian Fidance 21:04 Yeah, but when you have endless money-

Joe Rogan 21:06 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 21:06 ... you just buy out any doctor.

Dave Attell 21:08 He was so, yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:08 So, what then what you do is you go to the, the pain management center.

Ian Fidance 21:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:11 You go and you say, "I'm in pain." And they go, "Oh, we'll write you a prescription for drugs." And you go right next door to the pharmacy-

Ian Fidance 21:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:18 ... that only sells Oxycontins. (laughs)

Dave Attell 21:21 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 21:21 It only does the Oxycontin express.

Dave Attell 21:24 They just-

Joe Rogan 21:24 And then they would buy 'em from one doctor and go to another doctor and do- They would just get bags of pills, fill their trunk up and drive to Kentucky.

Ian Fidance 21:30 Oh, yeah. Yeah, and it was off 95, so they would just go from-

Joe Rogan 21:33 Mm-hmm.

Ian Fidance 21:33 ... Florida up to Philly, Delaware, New York, Baltimore.

Joe Rogan 21:36 Bro, how many cars made that trip before they started figuring out what was going on?

Ian Fidance 21:39 Right. And they-

Joe Rogan 21:41 And the pharmaceutical drug companies knew it, so they just kept selling it.

Ian Fidance 21:44 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 21:44 They, they were, there was some nutty statistic at one point in time where Florida had like 1,000 times more- (laughs)

Ian Fidance 21:52 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 21:53 ... people getting their pits dropped than, than anywhere else in the world. I may be making that up, number up, but it was some nutty number where you're like, "What in fucking God's name are you people doing?" How is that not like an anomaly? It just shows up, like this one state-

Dave Attell 22:07 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:07 ... has an insane amount of prescriptions.

Dave Attell 22:09 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:09 Like, is there some pain in that state?

Dave Attell 22:11 Living in Florida, yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:11 Maybe we should move people out of that fucking state.

Ian Fidance 22:14 (laughs)

Dave Attell 22:14 We, we've got the blues.

Ian Fidance 22:17 (laughs)

Narrator 22:17 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:17 (laughs)

Dave Attell 22:17 Kentucky, bluegrass. No, but I like the parking lot. Did you see in the documentary? They're like the most like vagrant, like just like redneck, just like, just basically-

Joe Rogan 22:26 Oh, yeah.

Dave Attell 22:26 ... screeching around.

Ian Fidance 22:27 Yeah.

Dave Attell 22:27 And then the doctors themselves were armed-

Ian Fidance 22:29 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 22:29 ... 'cause they were so afraid, you know, like... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:30 Oh, those doctors are dealing with zombies.

Dave Attell 22:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 22:33 Somebody runs dry of money and no one wants their dick sucked.

Ian Fidance 22:36 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 22:36 You're gonna get jumped.

Dave Attell 22:37 I mean, definitely on the way out. It's like an In-N-Out in Oakland. I mean, it's, uh, anybody's... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 22:42 Jesus Christ.

Ian Fidance 22:43 They would have in a... There's a book called Dreamland that talks about, um, the pill crisis and everything and how it started with black tar heroin coming in from Nayarit, Mexico and everything. And there were houses in Ohio that people would line up with stolen goods and trade like chainsaws for pills.

Dave Attell 23:01 Jesus.

Ian Fidance 23:01 And then they would take those goods from Home Depot and like sell them back-

Dave Attell 23:05 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 23:05 ... to make more money to buy pills.

Joe Rogan 23:06 Oh, my God.

Ian Fidance 23:08 Like a pill economy.

Joe Rogan 23:10 I don't know what to say. You know, there's, there's many-

Dave Attell 23:12 Born in the wrong time.

Joe Rogan 23:12 ... many wars connected to that too.

Dave Attell 23:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:15 The conspiracies about Vietnam always had something to do with, with heroin, and the conspiracy about Afghanistan.

Dave Attell 23:22 Oh, the opium?

Joe Rogan 23:24 Dude, we were guarding opium fields.

Dave Attell 23:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:28 We were guarding poppy fields.

Dave Attell 23:29 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 23:29 The United States troops were guarding poppy fields, and they had Geraldo Rivera go over there to gaslight America about it.

Ian Fidance 23:38 (laughs)

Dave Attell 23:38 (clears throat)

Joe Rogan 23:38 And they played it on TV. "Now, tell me, why are you guarding this heroin?"

Dave Attell 23:42 What'd they say?

Joe Rogan 23:42 "Well, we have to guard the heroin, otherwise the, the local people won't like us."

Ian Fidance 23:47 Yeah.

Dave Attell 23:47 Like, "Oh, makes sense."

Joe Rogan 23:48 Weren't they saying that they had to-

Ian Fidance 23:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 23:49 ... back to you te- that they had to do it from the Taliban or something?

Dave Attell 23:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:53 Like that, that was like... That was how, like they, they... (sighs) Look, what's the truth and what's the story are two very different things. They were fucking selling heroin!

Dave Attell 24:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:03 Heroin production went up after we invaded by some fucking insane number.

Dave Attell 24:09 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 24:09 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 24:09 That's not like a sh- And then these guys are like, "We need you to guard this heroin." Of course.

Ian Fidance 24:14 It's like, "You like us."

Joe Rogan 24:14 We're here to guard it. So they send fucking soldiers over there to guard heroin.

Dave Attell 24:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 24:21 Look at Geraldo, his big fucking silly smile. Hi, everybody. I'm in a war. With a big smile.

Dave Attell 24:28 Hmm.

Ian Fidance 24:28 I didn't see that.

Joe Rogan 24:29 Silly this.... he's trying to... The smile is to let everybody know that everything's fine. This is nothing to be concerned with.

Dave Attell 24:36 And this is right around the time when opium and OxyContin was just flowing in the country.

Joe Rogan 24:41 But look at even the way he's, like, performatively shaking this guy's-

Dave Attell 24:44 He's excited.

Joe Rogan 24:44 ... hand in front of the camera, like he hasn't met this guy before.

Dave Attell 24:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:48 Like, the whole thing is such a fucking charade. Fighting the opium trade by guarding the heroin. (laughs)

Dave Attell 24:55 They... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 24:57 Imagine the fucking gaslighting, fighting the opium trade-

Dave Attell 25:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:02 ... while guarding the heroin field, so that they could make heroin.

Dave Attell 25:07 Mm-hmm. Yep.

Joe Rogan 25:07 The poppy fields only make heroin. They're not... There's no tomatoes in there.

Dave Attell 25:13 Right.

Joe Rogan 25:15 Like, (laughs) how are you-

Dave Attell 25:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:16 ... how are you fighting the opium trade by guarding the heroin and i- ensuring the production?

Narrator 25:21 I know it, it grinds at your gut, uh, how do you deal with it? What are you doing about it?

25:25 Well, uh, frankly, this is a part of their culture. So, uh, while it might grind at my gut, it, it's what they do.

Joe Rogan 25:31 (laughs)

Narrator 25:31 Um, we, we provide them security. We're providing them resources, and we're providing them alternatives. And the alternatives, uh, are-

Joe Rogan 25:38 Hit the brakes.

Narrator 25:38 ... for them to grow.

Joe Rogan 25:39 The government became a drug dealer. (laughs)

Dave Attell 25:41 Like... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:42 One fucking hundred percent.

Dave Attell 25:43 The alter- (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:43 There's no way they're doing that unless they're making some.

Dave Attell 25:46 Mm-hmm. The alternative is pumpkins. We thought maybe-

Joe Rogan 25:48 (laughs)

Dave Attell 25:48 ... we could pump the compassion here. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:51 Once a year, the pumpkin business booms.

Dave Attell 25:52 You know, how about a Christmas tree farm? I know it goes against the culture, but... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:56 If we just time pumpkin season right, we're gonna make a killing, boys.

Dave Attell 26:00 Now, the Vietnam thing is interesting because I know my cousin who was in Vietnam, he came back and he had a heroin problem. But in actual Vietnam, they don't make heroin. It's Laos, right? Or-

Joe Rogan 26:09 Yeah.

Dave Attell 26:09 It's, it's the-

Joe Rogan 26:09 It's the trade routes.

Dave Attell 26:10 So, there you go.

Joe Rogan 26:11 Yeah.

Dave Attell 26:11 It's like, it's in that, it's in that zone, that triangle.

Joe Rogan 26:13 It's controlling the area.

Dave Attell 26:15 Really?

Joe Rogan 26:15 You know, the, the... Like, there's so many conspiracies about what, what the real reason why they lied and made up a false attack to get us to go into Vietnam, but a- almost always, it's money.

Dave Attell 26:27 Right.

Joe Rogan 26:28 Almost always. There's no way they do anything like that unless someone's making money. That's what they did then. That's what they do now. Now, if you're making money the legal ways, you know, through, like, selling weaponry and doing all the stuff that we do, but then you realize that there's all this extra money being made here that you're not getting a piece of.

Dave Attell 26:47 Right.

Joe Rogan 26:48 If there's trillions of dollars in heroin coming from a place-

Dave Attell 26:51 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 26:51 ... you're gonna be like, "Hey, this is kind of bullshit. I'm tired of selling you fuckers tanks."

Dave Attell 26:57 (laughs)

Narrator 26:57 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 26:57 "I want a piece of this heroin money."

Dave Attell 26:59 Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:00 And that, look, that's, this is, like, so well-documented in our country. That's literally what the Iran-Contra affair was about.

Dave Attell 27:06 Exactly. What, yep.

Joe Rogan 27:07 That's the, when we funded the war, the Sandinistas versus the Contras in Nicaragua.

Dave Attell 27:11 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:12 That's Oliver North. I mean, that's... Fucking Freeway Ricky Ross was selling them the coke.

Dave Attell 27:16 Yeah, but we have to invade them because they hate our freedom.

Joe Rogan 27:20 That is important.

Dave Attell 27:21 (laughs)

Narrator 27:21 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:21 I'm glad you look at it that way, Ian, because-

Dave Attell 27:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:23 ... what's really important is framing it in a way that the common person can understand.

Dave Attell 27:28 Yes.

Joe Rogan 27:28 I know this seems like tyranny to you-

Dave Attell 27:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:30 ... and there's a bunch of fucking murderous drug dealers at the helm of the wheel.

Dave Attell 27:33 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 27:34 But that's not the case.

Dave Attell 27:36 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:37 It's not the case.

Dave Attell 27:37 What about fentanyl? What do you think of that?

Joe Rogan 27:39 Oh, I love it. I want it.

Dave Attell 27:40 It's delicious. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:41 I wish-

Dave Attell 27:41 It's got legs.

Joe Rogan 27:42 I wish-

Dave Attell 27:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:42 I wish it was in everything.

Dave Attell 27:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 27:44 Um, it's fucking crazy. It's crazy that-

Dave Attell 27:46 That's out of China, right?

Joe Rogan 27:47 It's out... Well, they need the precursors. The precursors apparently are coming from China.

Dave Attell 27:51 Okay.

Joe Rogan 27:52 Again, China's like, "Listen, are they buying? Then we're selling."

Dave Attell 27:55 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:55 "Let's go."

Dave Attell 27:56 Isn't this their plan to win the 100-year war?

Joe Rogan 27:59 Well, their hundred-

Dave Attell 27:59 To get us back with opium? Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:00 They are way ahead of schedule.

Dave Attell 28:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:03 Those guys are killing it.

Dave Attell 28:04 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:04 They're fucking killing it. They're killing it with TikTok. I think TikTok accelerated everything.

Dave Attell 28:08 Yeah, TikTok is the new opium.

Narrator 28:09 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 28:10 A pu-... Yeah, it basically is.

Dave Attell 28:11 It really is.

Narrator 28:12 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:12 It basically is. It's turning kids into zombies.

Dave Attell 28:13 And that's our TikTok. Their TikTok is all, like, you know, it's good. It's there for the kids.

Joe Rogan 28:18 Their TikTok is science projects-

Dave Attell 28:19 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:19 ... learn martial arts.

Narrator 28:21 (laughs)

Dave Attell 28:22 Ours is-

Joe Rogan 28:22 Athletic achievement.

Dave Attell 28:22 ... are you a child? Be sexy and dance. I was like, "What?"

Joe Rogan 28:26 Yeah, drag queens are fun.

Dave Attell 28:28 They must be really... (laughs)

Narrator 28:30 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:31 Yeah. Yeah.

Dave Attell 28:31 I'm a teacher. You need to know how I fuck.

Joe Rogan 28:34 What?

Dave Attell 28:34 Jesus Christ.

Joe Rogan 28:36 I'm non-binary.

Dave Attell 28:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 28:37 So, you must use these pronouns. And the kids are like, "How many pronouns are there?"

Dave Attell 28:41 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:41 What the fuck?

Dave Attell 28:42 That's a... I've never been to China. I know guys who've toured through there, like, I can only imagine what those shows are like.

Joe Rogan 28:48 (laughs)

Dave Attell 28:48 I mean, I guess you do it for the expats. It's not like the locals are dying for American comedy over there, I mean.

Narrator 28:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 28:53 Bro, they will fucking put you in the ground if you talk some shit over there.

Dave Attell 28:58 Oh, yeah. No, don't even-

Joe Rogan 28:59 You, you can't go over there and just get drunk and do comedy.

Dave Attell 29:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:02 They will put you in the fucking ground.

Dave Attell 29:04 But you know how, like, when you do, like, a town and you always make fun of the other town, like, to get those people on your side, like-

Joe Rogan 29:09 Of course.

Narrator 29:09 (laughs)

Dave Attell 29:09 ... "Hey, I'm in Pittsburgh. What about that, you know, Scranton? Am I right? Come on. They suck." I'm kidding. But, uh, you know, that's the thing, like, who do they make fun of? I guess us. That would be really just like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm coming from America with our, you know, different branches of government."

Joe Rogan 29:24 Well-

Dave Attell 29:24 "I wish we had just one guy."

Narrator 29:26 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 29:27 One guy, you can get shit done.

Dave Attell 29:29 Yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 29:29 You can really get some shit done.

Dave Attell 29:31 That's for sure.

Joe Rogan 29:31 'Cause what you do is you make sure that the businesses are all on the same page as the government. The government owns the businesses. We're all together. You're all part of it. You can't make a decision without them. That way, we're all working in the greater good of the country. You can, gonna make plenty of money. We're all working in the greater good of the country. And it's a weird hybrid of communism and commerce.

Dave Attell 29:50 Yeah.

Narrator 29:51 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 29:51 Like, that's what changed. When China figured out, "Oh, no, we need to have competition so people need to be able to make money."

Dave Attell 29:56 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 29:57 "Let them make money, but we're still gonna run shit." And then-

Dave Attell 29:59 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:00 And then I think America was like, "I like what she's wearing."

Narrator 30:04 (laughs)

Dave Attell 30:04 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:06 "I want a..."

Dave Attell 30:07 "She looks good."

Joe Rogan 30:07 Yeah. "I want that dress."

Dave Attell 30:09 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:10 I think it's that. That's what I think it is, and I think that's why they're fucking pushing for all this crazy shit today.

Dave Attell 30:15 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:16 People think they're try- really trying to make the world better for people. No, they're not. Shut the fuck up. They're trying to get more control out of you.

Dave Attell 30:22 What's your, like, uh, when you go overseas, like, do you perform like a tour or like, what's your favorite, like, spot overseas?

Joe Rogan 30:29 I love the UK. I love-

Dave Attell 30:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:31 I love to go over there. I just love the people. I just love it. They're fun. It's a fun place. I love England. I love, uh, I love Scotland.

Dave Attell 30:39 How about Australia, have you done that?

Joe Rogan 30:40 ... yeah. I've done Australia, I love Australia.

Ian Fidance 30:42 Ooh. I've never done that.

Joe Rogan 30:43 They're fun fucking people, man. They're fun people. You know, there's a lot of America that's, like, a little uptight.

Ian Fidance 30:48 For sure. (laughs)

Dave Attell 30:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:50 And also, like, very judgey.

Ian Fidance 30:51 A lot, yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 30:52 Very judgey and very uptight.

Dave Attell 30:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 30:54 And, you know, I know there's a lot of wokeness in England too, but, like, good old fucking regular drunk English guys are fun.

Ian Fidance 31:01 Mm.

Joe Rogan 31:01 I like 'em. I like drunk Irish guys, they're fun.

Dave Attell 31:05 Ireland is good.

Joe Rogan 31:06 Yeah. They're fun. Young people there get it. Young people know what the fuck is going on. The, the young people today are on the internet, and the young people today are paying attention to people that aren't lying.

Ian Fidance 31:16 Mm.

Joe Rogan 31:17 And they realize, like, "Oh, we're getting fucked." Yeah-

Ian Fidance 31:19 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 31:19 ... you've been getting fucked. We were getting fucked, we didn't even know we were getting fucked.

Dave Attell 31:24 Well, I mean, when you go overseas, that's the thing of, like, uh, you know, I say start small, Canada, you know what I'm saying?

Joe Rogan 31:30 (laughs)

Dave Attell 31:30 Like, who, can you get it going?

Ian Fidance 31:32 (laughs) Yeah.

Dave Attell 31:32 But it's funny how, like, they get all of our references, yet they're better people, you know, that kind of thing.

Joe Rogan 31:36 Canadians?

Dave Attell 31:37 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 31:37 No, they're not.

Dave Attell 31:38 I think they are, no?

Ian Fidance 31:39 No.

Joe Rogan 31:39 They're 20% less douchebags in Canada.

Ian Fidance 31:41 I went-

Dave Attell 31:41 How many fi- how many fights have you seen at a Tim Horton's? That's what I wanna know.

Joe Rogan 31:44 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 31:44 Exactly.

Dave Attell 31:45 You never see a beat down? You never see a shooting?

Joe Rogan 31:47 Exactly. Right, like a waffle house.

Ian Fidance 31:47 I went to a, I went to a strip club in Calgary, and they, they used the Loonies and Toonies, the coins-

Dave Attell 31:52 Uh-huh.

Ian Fidance 31:52 ... to tip the strippers.

Dave Attell 31:53 Right.

Ian Fidance 31:54 And people were like, "When you go, make sure you don't warm them up with a lighter. They don't like that." And I'm like, "What?"

Dave Attell 32:00 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 32:00 They're throwing-

Joe Rogan 32:01 Okay.

Ian Fidance 32:01 ... they're throwing hot coins at strippers? These are terrible people.

Joe Rogan 32:05 This, this might be what we call, like, sampling bias.

Ian Fidance 32:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:08 Like, the study that you took of what kind of people Canadians are at a hole-

Ian Fidance 32:13 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:13 ... was at a strip club.

Ian Fidance 32:14 Blanket statement. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 32:16 And, and where, where was this strip club? What town?

Ian Fidance 32:18 Calgary.

Joe Rogan 32:19 Calgary, okay. A strip club in a fucking cattle town, a frozen cattle town-

Dave Attell 32:25 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 32:25 ... in one of the toughest fucking places on earth to live.

Ian Fidance 32:28 Yeah.

Dave Attell 32:29 I forgot, it is a cattle town.

Joe Rogan 32:30 Bro, I've got some friends that, my friends John and Jen, they live in Edmonton. They, they live, uh, out in Alberta, and it's so cold out there.

Dave Attell 32:41 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:41 You can take hot water and throw it in the air and it freezes before it hits the ground.

Dave Attell 32:46 Jesus. Wow.

Joe Rogan 32:46 Bro, they get to 50 below, 60 below.

Ian Fidance 32:49 Oh, yeah.

Dave Attell 32:50 Mm.

Ian Fidance 32:50 A week before I was there, it was negative 30, and then the week I went, it was 32 degrees, and people were like, "Oh, I'm wearing shorts."

Dave Attell 32:57 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 32:57 It was fucking nuts.

Joe Rogan 32:58 But that's why-

Ian Fidance 32:58 Hearty.

Joe Rogan 32:59 ... that's why they're so cool up there.

Dave Attell 33:01 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 33:02 You have to have discipline to live. (laughs)

Ian Fidance 33:06 (laughs)

Dave Attell 33:06 Yeah. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:06 You have to be able to shovel your car out-

Ian Fidance 33:08 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 33:08 ... of the fucking snow to stay alive, to stay alive.

Ian Fidance 33:12 That's tough.

Joe Rogan 33:12 Like, it makes for better people, it makes for more resilient people.

Ian Fidance 33:16 People are better when they know how to put on snow tires. (laughs)

Dave Attell 33:19 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:19 Yeah. Well, y- you, you-

Dave Attell 33:21 This guy in the strip club, honestly, he really ... I hate to fink you out or anything, but he really, like, you know how like, uh, most guys go and they just kinda sit and observe?

Joe Rogan 33:30 Yeah.

Dave Attell 33:30 He is part of the action. He immediately runs in, throwing the dollars, spanking an ass.

Ian Fidance 33:34 (laughs)

Dave Attell 33:34 I'm like, "I don't know if you're allowed to do that here, dude." I don't know, like, where you think you're allowed.

Ian Fidance 33:38 I like to have fun.

Dave Attell 33:38 He's from Delaware, so I assume that's like a handshake.

Joe Rogan 33:40 In Delaware, it's normal.

Ian Fidance 33:41 (laughs)

Dave Attell 33:41 Yeah, spanking a woman's ass, but-

Joe Rogan 33:43 Shout out Gold Club.

Dave Attell 33:43 ... like, I was like ... And they liked it too. They were like, "Oh, finally a guy who gets us-"

Joe Rogan 33:47 Yeah.

Dave Attell 33:47 "... is here." They were like into him.

Joe Rogan 33:48 Well, they, they wanna have fun, and most guys just sit there and, like, you know, just doing-

Dave Attell 33:53 Yeah, you-

Joe Rogan 33:53 You went up and you put a dollar like you were-

Dave Attell 33:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 33:55 ... betting poker. Exchanging money.

Dave Attell 33:58 I was, like, looking around for the cameras.

Joe Rogan 34:00 (laughs)

Dave Attell 34:00 I'm like, "Well, the- I don't wanna be observed doing this."

Joe Rogan 34:03 Jesus Christ.

Dave Attell 34:03 But it, it was, it was really definitely a, uh, that was for Louis Cats's, um-

Joe Rogan 34:07 Bachelor party.

Dave Attell 34:07 ... half, half-bachelor party.

Joe Rogan 34:09 Half-bachelor party?

Dave Attell 34:09 'Cause I wasn't gonna go to Costa Rica with them.

Joe Rogan 34:12 Oh.

Dave Attell 34:12 I'm too old for that, you know.

Joe Rogan 34:13 Yeah.

Dave Attell 34:14 So, so it's like- (laughs)

Ian Fidance 34:15 It sounds like Oklahoma. Dude, it's like Bullies.

Joe Rogan 34:17 Bro, Night Out, documentary Dave Sha- Dave Attell and down there, it's the best.

Dave Attell 34:23 Oh, Costa Rica?

Joe Rogan 34:23 Costa Rica's awesome, but-

Dave Attell 34:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:24 ... the bugs are gigantic.

Ian Fidance 34:26 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 34:27 Bro, they have crazy bugs you have never seen before. They're like birds. (laughs)

Dave Attell 34:30 Really?

Ian Fidance 34:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 34:30 They're fucking huge.

Dave Attell 34:32 No, I wouldn't be into that.

Joe Rogan 34:33 There's all- there's crocodiles there. I went with my family and we went, uh, on a crocodile tour. It's crazy, dude.

Dave Attell 34:39 They're crocodiles, right?

Joe Rogan 34:40 Oh, yeah. Real crocodiles.

Ian Fidance 34:40 Are they in bayous?

Joe Rogan 34:42 Well, they have-

Dave Attell 34:43 Where are the crocodiles?

Joe Rogan 34:43 Well, it's like rivers-

Dave Attell 34:44 Mm.

Joe Rogan 34:45 And I don't know what you would call it. I guess you could call it a bayou if it was-

Dave Attell 34:47 Mm.

Joe Rogan 34:47 I think bayou is, like, an American term. Isn't it a French term?

Dave Attell 34:50 Yes, it is.

Joe Rogan 34:50 It's a French term they use for Cajun country.

Ian Fidance 34:52 It's a CCR term.

Joe Rogan 34:53 Yeah, yeah. Born on the bayou.

Dave Attell 34:56 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 34:56 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 34:57 That's a jam. Um, but, so we're in this boat, right? And my kids are young at the time. And I'm like, "Don't go near there, don't go near there." Like, every time they go near the edge, one of them is a little daredevil, and she likes to, like, like, lean over the edge. I'm like, "Come on, you fucking thrill seeker."

Ian Fidance 35:10 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:10 These are real dinosaurs, man. And so we watch this one slide into the water.

Ian Fidance 35:15 Oh, scary.

Joe Rogan 35:15 So there's a bunch of them on the deck, on the, uh, the banks rather.

Dave Attell 35:19 Banks.

Joe Rogan 35:19 And they're sunning themselves. And you see these fucking 15 feet crocodiles just sunning themselves there.

Ian Fidance 35:25 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 35:25 You're like, "This is so creepy." And then they slide into the water, you're like, "Jesus! Ah! They're under us! They're in the f- you're in the boat." And I'm like, "This is such a bad idea." And all my father instincts are kicking in. I'm like-

Dave Attell 35:37 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:37 ... "Don't go near, don't go there."

Dave Attell 35:39 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:39 "Go ... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" You know, like, you're like road rage times 100. You're like, "Jesus."

Ian Fidance 35:43 (laughs)

Dave Attell 35:43 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 35:43 You're fucking freaking, man.

Ian Fidance 35:45 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 35:45 'Cause if one of them falls in, you're gonna go in too.

Dave Attell 35:48 You have to go in.

Ian Fidance 35:48 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:48 You have to go in.

Ian Fidance 35:48 You can't leave 'em.

Joe Rogan 35:49 You have to go in, and you have to throw them onto the fucking boat.

Dave Attell 35:53 And then fight a fucking croc.

Ian Fidance 35:53 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 35:53 And then you gotta figure out-

Ian Fidance 35:54 You have to fight them.

Joe Rogan 35:54 ... how to get up b- because the crocodile's gonna hear the splashing. Oh, Jesus!

Dave Attell 36:00 Wow.

Joe Rogan 36:00 It's so scary. (laughs)

Ian Fidance 36:02 Ugh.

Dave Attell 36:02 How about the, how about the ocean there too? That's another one where it's like amazing, but there's a lot of shark.

Joe Rogan 36:07 Oh, they have a lot of sharks down there?

Dave Attell 36:08 That's what I heard, yeah.

Ian Fidance 36:09 Really?

Joe Rogan 36:09 Well, down in Florida-

Dave Attell 36:10 It's a big shark thing.

Joe Rogan 36:11 ... they, down in the Keys, they have so many bull sharks that there's a bunch of videos of guys fishing, and they're just trying to get the fish in as quick as they can, 'cause the bull sharks come along-

Dave Attell 36:22 Amazing.

Ian Fidance 36:22 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 36:22 ... and just fuck those fish up.

Dave Attell 36:24 Wow. They're b-

Joe Rogan 36:26 There's, there's bull sharks everywhere down there. So many that you're allowed to kill them and cook them.Really?

Dave Attell 36:31 Really?

Joe Rogan 36:31 Yes.

Dave Attell 36:32 You can go bull shark fishing?

Joe Rogan 36:33 You can go bull shark fishing in the Keys in Florida.

Ian Fidance 36:36 That's gosh.

Dave Attell 36:36 What does that taste like? (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:37 How many of you are allowed ... How many bull sharks are you allowed to take? I think you're allowed to take, like, one a year or something like that. But people go fishing for bull sharks.

Dave Attell 36:44 How big do they get?

Joe Rogan 36:45 And people get mad at them, "You're killing sharks!"

Ian Fidance 36:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 36:48 Because of the propaganda of the fucking sharks' fin soup.

Dave Attell 36:51 Oh.

Ian Fidance 36:51 Oh, right.

Joe Rogan 36:52 'Cause people don't understand the size of the globe. And they think that sharks are endangered.

Dave Attell 36:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 36:57 But not there, they're not.

Dave Attell 36:58 No.

Joe Rogan 36:58 They might not be over there, wherever the fuck they've been killing 'em and taking their fins off, but in Florida, there's a lot of 'em.

Ian Fidance 37:05 Does it fuck up the ecosystem, though, if they kill too many of 'em?

Joe Rogan 37:08 Sure, yeah. But we're killing too many fish.

Dave Attell 37:10 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:11 You know, the problem is, it's not just we, mean- we, the human race.

Dave Attell 37:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 37:15 We're ... We've depleted the ocean-

Dave Attell 37:17 Yes.

Joe Rogan 37:17 ... by something around 90% of all the big fish.

Dave Attell 37:21 That's terrible.

Ian Fidance 37:21 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 37:21 And then they told us that plastic straws are the problem.

Joe Rogan 37:23 Da, da, da.

Ian Fidance 37:24 So every time I go to a coffee shop, it sucks ass.

Joe Rogan 37:26 Here it is, "Bull sharks are harvestable in Florida with a 54-inch minimum size limit and one per person per day."

Ian Fidance 37:33 Oh, my God.

Dave Attell 37:33 Wow.

Ian Fidance 37:33 One a day?

Joe Rogan 37:34 Not per year, per day. That's how many they have of 'em.

Ian Fidance 37:36 Oh.

Joe Rogan 37:36 "The world record is from Stuart, Florida, with 501 pounds, 92 inches." Yikes! "The maximum size is about 13 feet with the matures at approximately 14 to 18 years of age."

Ian Fidance 37:49 Wow.

Dave Attell 37:49 He's a teenager.

Ian Fidance 37:50 But the matter ...

Joe Rogan 37:50 And I believe that bull sharks are responsible for almost all of the different shark attacks out there.

Ian Fidance 37:54 Wow.

Joe Rogan 37:55 They like to bump-and-bite, meaning, they bump their prey and attack it while it's trying to figure out what just hit them.

Dave Attell 38:00 Just like you, Ian.

Narrator 38:02 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 38:03 Bump-and-bite.

Dave Attell 38:05 Gang, gang, gang.

Joe Rogan 38:05 That's a strip club strategy.

Dave Attell 38:06 Bull shark.

Joe Rogan 38:08 "These use cut stingrays for bait year-round and our heaviest rods and tackle gear. No doubt, you will get a great show and a fight if you catch a bull shark."

Dave Attell 38:16 Would you ever go bull shark fishing?

Joe Rogan 38:17 No regulations for fishing.

Dave Attell 38:17 I'm not a fishing guy, but I wish I was into that. Like, I like all the gear they have to buy.

Joe Rogan 38:21 Yeah.

Dave Attell 38:21 I like that when you go into, like, a Dick's and you see, like, that whole wall-

Joe Rogan 38:24 Yeah.

Dave Attell 38:24 ... for, like, you know, the right anglers and all that kinda ... The lures and all that kinda thing. I don't know, but I'm not into it.

Ian Fidance 38:29 But you wouldn't go?

Dave Attell 38:30 I would go, but I'm not really-

Ian Fidance 38:32 Fishing's awesome. You wouldn't try it?

Dave Attell 38:32 I mean, fishing's the best.

Joe Rogan 38:32 This is one of the things that just J- Jamie just pointed out. One of the crazy things about bull sharks is they go into freshwater.

Dave Attell 38:38 Oh, wow.

Joe Rogan 38:38 So, so they can go ... They've been all the way up into Illinois.

Ian Fidance 38:42 (laughs)

Dave Attell 38:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:43 So they make ... No bullshit. They make their way up the river.

Ian Fidance 38:46 Crime statistics out there are getting crazy. (laughs)

Narrator 38:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 38:49 (laughs)

Dave Attell 38:49 That explains it.

Joe Rogan 38:51 Even the movie, Jaws, was based on a freshwater attack that was on a river in New Jersey.

Dave Attell 38:55 That's right, yeah.

Ian Fidance 38:56 Wow.

Dave Attell 38:57 Near Tom's River.

Joe Rogan 38:58 They go all the way up the river into the c- ... They can ...

Dave Attell 39:00 How can they do that, uh, wa- fresh and, uh, salt? How do they do it?

Joe Rogan 39:03 'Cause they're monsters.

Dave Attell 39:04 Wow.

Joe Rogan 39:05 They're just designed to kill, and if they g- they ran out of shit to kill in the salt, they ventured into the fresh.

Dave Attell 39:09 That's amazing. Where did-

Joe Rogan 39:10 They made it all the way up into the rivers, and they started killing things.

Dave Attell 39:12 What do they ... What do they look like, the bull sharks?

Ian Fidance 39:15 Huh, what kind of shark?

Joe Rogan 39:15 They look like a shark.

Ian Fidance 39:16 Like a ... Just a regular shark?

Dave Attell 39:16 Like a great white-type shark?

Ian Fidance 39:18 No.

Joe Rogan 39:18 Yeah, that's a similar-

Dave Attell 39:19 No, they're smaller than that, no?

Joe Rogan 39:20 Smaller.

Ian Fidance 39:20 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:20 Yeah, they're smaller, but it's the same kinda look, you know?

Dave Attell 39:22 Mm-hmm.

Ian Fidance 39:22 Wow.

Joe Rogan 39:23 That's what a bull shark looks like.

Dave Attell 39:24 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 39:24 Yeah, see?

Ian Fidance 39:25 Oh, my God.

Dave Attell 39:26 Look at them.

Joe Rogan 39:26 Look at that terrifying fuckhead.

Dave Attell 39:28 Wow.

Joe Rogan 39:28 Jesus Christ, dude.

Dave Attell 39:29 That's, like, the classic look.

Ian Fidance 39:31 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:31 I mean-

Ian Fidance 39:31 That guy looks ... (laughs) That guy looks scary.

Joe Rogan 39:33 Do you know how many there must be if they let you kill one a day?

Dave Attell 39:36 Sure.

Joe Rogan 39:37 Do you know how many there must be?

Dave Attell 39:38 That's ... Yeah, it's great news.

Ian Fidance 39:40 Yeah, but how many people are going out specifically, like, to catch-

Joe Rogan 39:43 To catch bull sharks?

Ian Fidance 39:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 39:44 There's videos on YouTube of guys doing it. Yeah, they have, like, Y- YouTube fishing channels.

Ian Fidance 39:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:50 For real. And f- ... No, I'm ... I subscribe to a couple.

Dave Attell 39:53 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 39:53 There's YouTube fishing channels, and these fucking dudes go down there-

Ian Fidance 39:57 Wait, they catch shark?

Joe Rogan 39:58 ... and they catch bull sharks.

Ian Fidance 39:59 Okay.

Joe Rogan 39:59 Jamie, see if you could find, like, "bull shark fishing" Warmer.

Ian Fidance 40:04 "Warmer sea surface temperatures have led to a bull shark population increase, scientists say."

Dave Attell 40:08 Wow.

Joe Rogan 40:08 "Marine wildlife expert discusses whether people should take caution." Yeah, they're gonna kill you. (laughs)

Narrator 40:14 (laughs)

Dave Attell 40:14 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:14 Take sti- take a lot of fucking caution. These fuckers are dangerous.

Dave Attell 40:19 Oh, that's it. Where's that ...

Joe Rogan 40:20 They're real aggressive too. I think them and tiger sharks.

Dave Attell 40:23 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 40:23 But bull sharks, I think are the most.

Ian Fidance 40:25 You wanna-

Joe Rogan 40:26 What did you say, Jamie?

Ian Fidance 40:27 Did you want bull shark video, fishing videos?

Joe Rogan 40:29 Yeah, bull shark fishing-

Dave Attell 40:30 I wanna see the Illinois bull shark fishing scene.

Ian Fidance 40:33 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 40:33 The thing is, like, people have it in their head, like, "Oh, you shouldn't kill sharks." Right, but you also shouldn't let 'em kill people.

Ian Fidance 40:39 Right.

Joe Rogan 40:39 If you get, like, so many fucking sharks that kill people, you gotta kill the sharks.

Dave Attell 40:43 Yeah, but it's also, like, we shouldn't be eating tuna and salmon with everything that we're taking.

Joe Rogan 40:46 Let's eat some fucking shark, bro. (laughs) I want a shark steak, bro. He used to be able to buy it everywhere. Mako shark was, like, a normal thing-

Dave Attell 40:54 Mako, I remember that.

Joe Rogan 40:54 ... that was on, uh, menus.

Dave Attell 40:56 Growing up on Long Island, that was the big, uh, you know, the big get, a mako.

Joe Rogan 41:00 Two bull sharks swam up the Mississippi River to St. Louis.

Dave Attell 41:04 Wow.

Joe Rogan 41:05 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 41:06 (laughs)

Dave Attell 41:06 See the arch.

Joe Rogan 41:07 What a nice little trip.

Ian Fidance 41:08 (laughs)

Dave Attell 41:08 (laughs)

Narrator 41:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:09 But that's, that's how resilient they are.

Ian Fidance 41:11 It starts from 1937, Fisherman's Tale.

Joe Rogan 41:13 1937 sparked ... Oh, Fisherman's Tale-

Ian Fidance 41:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 41:16 ... from 1937 sparked-

Ian Fidance 41:17 Yes.

Joe Rogan 41:17 ... researchers' interest in bull sharks swi- ... uh, upstream after two fishermen caught a five-foot, 84-pound bull shark in Alton, Illinois. So that was, uh, in 1937. 58 years later, in 1995, a fisherman near Rush Island, Missouri, caught another bull shark. (laughs) That's fucking crazy.

Dave Attell 41:37 What are they eating? What-

Joe Rogan 41:38 Everything.

Dave Attell 41:39 Wow.

Joe Rogan 41:40 Fucking everything.

Dave Attell 41:41 Mm.

Joe Rogan 41:41 Birds, whoever's sleeping.

Dave Attell 41:43 Yes.

Joe Rogan 41:43 Whoever's sleeping, bitch.

Dave Attell 41:45 Oh, man.

Joe Rogan 41:46 Bull sharks typically live in warm water, in open saltwater, but they are one of the few species that can adapt to live in freshwater environments.

Ian Fidance 41:53 Do they ever have arguments and they go after each other?

Joe Rogan 41:55 I wonder. I be- ... I think they have no time for that.

Dave Attell 41:57 Sharks eat each other, yeah. Sharks eat them.

Ian Fidance 42:00 Yeah?

Dave Attell 42:00 Yep.

Joe Rogan 42:00 I'm sure they do.

Dave Attell 42:01 For sure.

Joe Rogan 42:02 But they kill everything else.

Dave Attell 42:03 Mm-hmm.

Ian Fidance 42:04 BattleBots of the sea.

Dave Attell 42:05 That would be great.

Joe Rogan 42:06 Fucking monsters, man.

Dave Attell 42:07 Mm.

Ian Fidance 42:07 That's awesome.

Joe Rogan 42:08 I mean, th- their teeth are just rows and rows of, like, duplicating teeth. So when one falls out, another one replaces it.

Dave Attell 42:16 This is so different from the stuff I look at at home, like when I'm like ... I'm like ... A koi pond. Like, there's something about a koi pond.

Ian Fidance 42:22 (laughs)

Dave Attell 42:22 Like, it calms me down. I don't know what it is.

Ian Fidance 42:24 You love pet videos.

Dave Attell 42:25 Yeah. (laughs)

Ian Fidance 42:26 Walter, the dog.

Dave Attell 42:26 Anything with parrots.

Narrator 42:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 42:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dave Attell 42:27 You know, I'm always into that.

Joe Rogan 42:29 I like that too.

Dave Attell 42:30 Yeah. I like, uh ... This is what I was thinking of doing, like, you take parel- ... (laughs) ... like-

Ian Fidance 42:35 (laughs)

Dave Attell 42:35 ... you know, there's all these parrots that outlive their owners. So you take them and you make, like, a Supreme Court of parrots. They know all this ancient stuff-

Ian Fidance 42:41 (laughs)

Dave Attell 42:41 ... 'cause they're, like, old. But like, just-

Ian Fidance 42:43 (laughs)

Dave Attell 42:43 ... you put little robes on 'em and it's like, "Hey, what do you guys think about..." and you say an issue. And then, like, whatever, it's like, "Okay, well, there you go. That's what we should do."

Ian Fidance 42:51 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:51 Parrots live super old, right?

Dave Attell 42:52 I, I know. Like, 70 years or something.

Joe Rogan 42:54 Really?

Ian Fidance 42:54 That's crazy. So if you get one when you're 80, you're an asshole.

Dave Attell 42:57 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 42:58 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 42:58 You really are so selfish.

Dave Attell 43:00 Selfish. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:00 You know, this poor parrot, especially if you treat it well-

Dave Attell 43:03 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 43:03 Yeah, but can you imagine handing a parrot down to your children in the will? (laughs)

Dave Attell 43:06 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 43:06 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:07 Like, that would suck. That would fucking suck.

Ian Fidance 43:08 (laughs)

Dave Attell 43:09 I, I think they can live to, like, 100 years old.

Joe Rogan 43:11 Nuh-uh.

Dave Attell 43:11 I'm not sure. Like a tortoise. Like, they have that kind of age to them. They really can live a long time. There's a few animals where, like, once you get them as a pet, you know, you're there, and it is for your kids.

Joe Rogan 43:20 And do they st- keep learning phrases?

Dave Attell 43:22 No, I think they kind of, like, just know, like, three things.

Ian Fidance 43:25 (laughs)

Dave Attell 43:26 I don't, I don't know. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:27 Some pets, such as tortoises and parrots, may live for over 50 years.

Dave Attell 43:30 50. Okay, well, I was wrong, but-

Joe Rogan 43:31 Wow.

Dave Attell 43:31 ... you know. Uh, tortoises live, like, into their 100s, so...

Joe Rogan 43:37 (laughs) Provide documented plans for their pet parrots in their wills.

Dave Attell 43:40 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 43:41 Oh, there it is.

Joe Rogan 43:42 Lawyers often urge pet parents.

Dave Attell 43:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:46 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 43:47 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:47 Pet lawyers. That's just lawyers weaseling in on some of that pet parent money.

Dave Attell 43:51 I'm a pet parent attorney.

Ian Fidance 43:52 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 43:52 Yeah.

Dave Attell 43:53 That's a leap of faith. Like, 'cause I just did a will, like, "And to my parrot, I'd like you to..." It's like, yeah, we're gonna do that.

Joe Rogan 43:59 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 43:59 (groans)

Dave Attell 43:59 Yeah. This parrot can't... He can talk, but he can't, you know, testify.

Joe Rogan 44:03 It says some species live-

Dave Attell 44:05 Yeah, see.

Joe Rogan 44:05 ... to 75 to 100 years.

Ian Fidance 44:07 Oh my God.

Dave Attell 44:08 Wow. Wow. You gotta go with an old-fashioned pigeon. That's, like, what? Three weeks?

Joe Rogan 44:11 (laughs)

Dave Attell 44:11 Like, six weeks if he's healthy. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:14 Do you know that pigeons were all brought over here for food?

Dave Attell 44:16 No, I didn't know that.

Joe Rogan 44:17 Really?

Dave Attell 44:17 I thought they were from here. No?

Joe Rogan 44:18 No.

Dave Attell 44:19 England?

Joe Rogan 44:19 No, they're an invasive species.

Dave Attell 44:20 Wow.

Joe Rogan 44:20 I guess they were brought over from Europe, uh, but they, they were a food source. That's what squab is. You see s-

Dave Attell 44:26 Oh, it is?

Joe Rogan 44:27 Squab's a pigeon.

Dave Attell 44:29 Really?

Joe Rogan 44:29 You see squab... Yeah, you... All those pigeons in New York City, 100% you could shoot them and eat them, and they're good.

Ian Fidance 44:34 I wish we were allowed.

Dave Attell 44:35 Ugh.

Joe Rogan 44:35 It'd be so fun.

Dave Attell 44:36 Good luck with that.

Ian Fidance 44:36 Have you done BB gun? Just pink, pink, just shooting.

Joe Rogan 44:39 (laughs) Yeah.

Dave Attell 44:39 And then you just put 'em in a bag, take 'em home, and pluck 'em.

Ian Fidance 44:42 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 44:43 Oh, man. That's terrible.

Dave Attell 44:43 Like, literally, you could hunt wild meat in Central Park.

Joe Rogan 44:48 Yeah, but aren't they-

Ian Fidance 44:48 So when people go out, "Let's squab," is that what they're really talking about? Like, pigeoning?

Joe Rogan 44:51 That's what's... Well, that's what squab is.

Ian Fidance 44:53 Is that what squabble is?

Dave Attell 44:53 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 44:54 Mm, whoa. Squabble?

Ian Fidance 44:55 Comes from?

Joe Rogan 44:56 Wow. There's a fight, some sort of a fight with pigeons?

Dave Attell 44:58 Easy, Webster.

Ian Fidance 44:59 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:00 Maybe. I wonder. I mean, that kinda makes sense.

Dave Attell 45:03 Yeah, that sounds like it's gonna-

Joe Rogan 45:04 Kinda makes sense.

Dave Attell 45:04 ... squab with a guy.

Joe Rogan 45:05 Yeah. Yeah, where the f-... That's a weird word.

Dave Attell 45:07 It is.

Joe Rogan 45:07 Are we squabbling?

Dave Attell 45:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:08 What are we squabbling about? That doesn't even sound like a fight word.

Ian Fidance 45:11 No. How can you fight after hearing that?

Joe Rogan 45:13 Squabble sounds like something that happens-

Ian Fidance 45:15 Squabble? (laughs) No.

Joe Rogan 45:15 ... to your ankle.

Dave Attell 45:16 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 45:18 Squabble. Ankle got squabbled.

Dave Attell 45:18 I squabbed on the way in.

Joe Rogan 45:20 (laughs) Yeah, good. That's a-

Ian Fidance 45:20 Gotta go to the doctor and get a squab.

Dave Attell 45:21 What about squirrel? That used to be a, like a frontiersman, "Hey, I, I shot some squirrel." Right?

Joe Rogan 45:25 Oh, yeah. People still eat squirrels.

Dave Attell 45:27 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:27 They eat squirrels, uh, all throughout the south.

Dave Attell 45:29 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 45:29 I have friends that hunt squirrels.

Ian Fidance 45:31 Some friends of mine wanna take me, uh, squirrel, raccoon, and rabbit hunting while I'm here.

Joe Rogan 45:35 Wow.

Ian Fidance 45:36 Yeah.

Dave Attell 45:36 He's a good shot, by the way.

Joe Rogan 45:37 I would-

Dave Attell 45:37 He really is good.

Joe Rogan 45:38 ... have a really hard time killing a raccoon. I just think raccoons are so cool.

Ian Fidance 45:41 They're the cutest.

Joe Rogan 45:43 They're not just-

Ian Fidance 45:43 They have little hands.

Joe Rogan 45:44 They got little hands.

Ian Fidance 45:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 45:45 And they're smart as shit.

Dave Attell 45:46 They have little hands, yup.

Ian Fidance 45:47 Have you ever seen 'em eat, like, uh, cotton candy in water? And it disappears and they get so confused?

Joe Rogan 45:52 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 45:52 Oh, really?

Dave Attell 45:52 Oh, it's the cutest.

Joe Rogan 45:53 Yeah.

Dave Attell 45:53 That's weird.

Ian Fidance 45:54 'Cause they, how they eat, they pick up their food and then they run and eat it.

Joe Rogan 45:57 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 45:57 So they try to pick the cotton candy up and it goes away, and then they're like, "What, what happened?"

Joe Rogan 46:01 That's so cute.

Dave Attell 46:02 I saw a raccoon in front of the, um, Chelsea Hotel, uh, right next to Gotham.

Joe Rogan 46:07 Oh, that's, that's crazy.

Ian Fidance 46:08 (laughs)

Dave Attell 46:08 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 46:08 It's like, what the fuck?

Dave Attell 46:09 That was weird.

Joe Rogan 46:10 This is crazy. He's searching for it. I lost it somewhere.

Ian Fidance 46:13 Oh, poor little guy.

Joe Rogan 46:14 Aw. What a dirty trick to play on a raccoon.

Narrator 46:16 (growls)

Joe Rogan 46:16 Look at him. He's so fucking frantic. Oh, man.

Dave Attell 46:20 Oh, he found it.

Joe Rogan 46:20 It's like someone when they lost their Vape.

Ian Fidance 46:21 Let's set that down here. What the fuck?

Dave Attell 46:24 Where's that bull shark?

Joe Rogan 46:25 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 46:26 (laughs)

Dave Attell 46:27 You can't escape me.

Joe Rogan 46:28 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 46:30 (laughs)

Dave Attell 46:30 I can even do a water fountain.

Joe Rogan 46:32 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 46:33 (laughs)

Dave Attell 46:33 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:33 Comes up to the toilet.

Dave Attell 46:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 46:35 Remember, that was always a thing, that snakes were gonna be in the toilets in New York City.

Ian Fidance 46:38 Oh, yeah.

Dave Attell 46:38 I was thinking about that the other day.

Ian Fidance 46:40 Rats do that.

Dave Attell 46:40 Like, if a rat really, like, came up and went inside of me-

Joe Rogan 46:43 (laughs)

Dave Attell 46:43 ... like, whose side would the EMTs be on?

Joe Rogan 46:46 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 46:46 Oh, here's, here's one I always wanted to know if it's true. Alligators in the sewer.

Dave Attell 46:50 They, yeah. I heard that-

Joe Rogan 46:52 Is that real?

Ian Fidance 46:52 Oh.

Dave Attell 46:52 ... as a kid. That was a big deal.

Joe Rogan 46:52 Like, people would have pet alligators and they would le- release them in the sewer?

Dave Attell 46:56 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 46:56 It was always in video games.

Joe Rogan 46:58 Right.

Ian Fidance 46:58 There's a movie about it too.

Dave Attell 47:00 There's a turtle-

Ian Fidance 47:00 G- there's a movie, like, it was, like, a horror movie in the '80s about a gator that was living down in the sewers and, like, you know, now he's, like, humongous and he's-

Joe Rogan 47:08 (groans)

Ian Fidance 47:08 ... and he's, and he's going to eat somebody. Yeah. So-

Joe Rogan 47:11 (laughs)

Dave Attell 47:11 That's a cool thing. That was a great urban myth.

Ian Fidance 47:14 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:14 Is that... But was it real?

Dave Attell 47:16 I-

Joe Rogan 47:16 Did they ever find alligators in the sewers?

Dave Attell 47:18 Mm.

Joe Rogan 47:18 See, they found many alligators in New York City sewers.

Ian Fidance 47:20 Yeah, but how would they get there?

Dave Attell 47:21 They said that they would-

Joe Rogan 47:21 People threw, threw them away. Pets.

Dave Attell 47:23 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:23 That's how, like-

Ian Fidance 47:24 We-

Joe Rogan 47:24 ... most of Florida is infested with pythons.

Dave Attell 47:27 Pythons.

Joe Rogan 47:27 And a bunch of those came from people's pets.

Dave Attell 47:30 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 47:30 Not all of them. They, they found out... They used to think it was all pets, but then they found out that there was a research lab that got hit i- that was filled with pythons, that got hit with a-

Dave Attell 47:39 Wow.

Joe Rogan 47:39 ... uh, uh, like, a hurricane or tornado or some shit.

Ian Fidance 47:41 Sounds like a horror movie.

Joe Rogan 47:43 Yeah. And the py- the pythons got loose.

Dave Attell 47:45 That's a terrible death, I think. A python death.

Ian Fidance 47:46 And I think python death-

Joe Rogan 47:47 Ooh, boy. Just kidding.

Dave Attell 47:48 I mean, honestly.

Joe Rogan 47:49 Whoa.

Ian Fidance 47:49 Was your rat a python or bull shark death?

Joe Rogan 47:51 It swallowed headfirst. (choking sounds)

Dave Attell 47:55 Well, python you could smoke while you're dying.

Joe Rogan 47:57 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 47:58 (laughs)

Dave Attell 47:58 Whereas the bull shark, you're, you're in the water, you're already kinda like, "I'm fat." You know?

Joe Rogan 48:02 (laughs)

Dave Attell 48:03 My man boobs are being, you know...

Joe Rogan 48:05 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 48:05 Anything that happens in the water is ul- ultimately more terrifying because-

Dave Attell 48:08 True.

Ian Fidance 48:08 ... you can't move good in the water.

Dave Attell 48:10 True.

Ian Fidance 48:10 You can't get away.

Dave Attell 48:11 Did you see that video of that guy jumping off the cruise ship and they videotape and he just disappears into the night?

Ian Fidance 48:17 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:17 Oh my God.

Dave Attell 48:18 That was it a couple years ago now.

Ian Fidance 48:19 Yeah, someone, like, was trying to impress his friends and he jumped off into the water.

Joe Rogan 48:22 And he drowned?

Ian Fidance 48:23 The current took him away. And in the video, you just see just a head bobbing and disappearing into the darkness.

Joe Rogan 48:29 Oh my God. What a terrible way to die.

Dave Attell 48:30 Yeah. Mm, yeah.

Joe Rogan 48:32 Uh, being an idiot, a drunk young kid.

Dave Attell 48:34 Yup. You know who I feel sorry for?

Joe Rogan 48:36 Oh, God.

Dave Attell 48:37 The comic on the cruise ship. The next day he has to do a show.

Ian Fidance 48:39 (laughs)

Dave Attell 48:40 I know everyone's a little down.

Joe Rogan 48:42 If it was Tony Hinchcliffe, he'd be immediately making fun of that guy.

Ian Fidance 48:44 Oh, yeah. Tony-

Joe Rogan 48:45 What the fuck was wrong with that guy?

Dave Attell 48:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 48:50 (laughs) ... I guess he can't swim. Uh, the conditions have led to the myths of sever- uh, special breeds. The lack of sunlight creates a blind albino gator. (laughs)

Dave Attell 48:59 Wow.

Joe Rogan 49:00 Uh, but is it true?

Dave Attell 49:01 So, it started off as a myth, but there have been reports of not only sightings, but they have pulled a couple out. But the original reports were like, there was hundreds in there a year, and I don't think... I think that's a myth.

49:10 Wow.

Joe Rogan 49:11 They've pulled a couple out?

Dave Attell 49:12 Of it, yeah. I mean, that's the-

Joe Rogan 49:13 How many did they pull out?

Dave Attell 49:14 It started, like I said, it started off as-

Joe Rogan 49:16 Oh.

Dave Attell 49:16 ... a myth till, like, it became truth. Like, this is a nonprofit says they've pulled out five.

49:20 Oh, they're just little guys.

Joe Rogan 49:21 They pulled out five alligators-

Dave Attell 49:23 They handled five. Handled five. I don't know that they pulled them out of the sewer yet.

Joe Rogan 49:24 Oh, they've handled five gators in the past two years.

Dave Attell 49:26 That's still a lot. That's pretty good. And they eat the rats, right?

Joe Rogan 49:29 Oh, none from sewers, it says though.

Dave Attell 49:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:31 So, this is, like, people that have pets.

Dave Attell 49:32 Yeah, like in their bathtub.

Joe Rogan 49:33 Right.

Dave Attell 49:33 That's such a weird pet.

Joe Rogan 49:35 Do you know, by the way-

Dave Attell 49:35 Like, exotic.

Joe Rogan 49:36 There was a dude who lived-

Dave Attell 49:37 That guy. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:38 ... somewhere, I think there was a dude who lived in Harlem-

Dave Attell 49:41 With the tiger?

Joe Rogan 49:42 ... with the tiger-

Dave Attell 49:42 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:43 ... in his apartment?

Dave Attell 49:44 Uh-huh.

49:44 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:45 What?

Dave Attell 49:45 Yeah. Crazy.

Joe Rogan 49:46 And there's a photo of it in the window.

Dave Attell 49:48 Yep.

Joe Rogan 49:48 Like, the guy... Like, someone's, like, trying to climb up the fire escape-

Dave Attell 49:50 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:50 ... and you see a tiger in the window.

Dave Attell 49:52 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:52 That's the most insane thing of all time.

Dave Attell 49:54 That's amazing. That's crazy.

Joe Rogan 49:55 'Cause someone's got to go in and deal with that thing, in an apartment. Look at that.

Dave Attell 49:59 Yeah, th- look at him.

50:00 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 50:00 All in an apartment.

Dave Attell 50:00 He's so angry.

50:02 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:02 Yeah, he's trying to fuck that guy up.

Dave Attell 50:03 Uh-huh.

Joe Rogan 50:04 In an apartment.

Dave Attell 50:05 What about the neighbors? I mean, like, honestly.

Joe Rogan 50:07 Bro.

Dave Attell 50:08 That's got to be tough.

Joe Rogan 50:09 How bad does that apartment smell?

Dave Attell 50:11 Oh, for sure.

50:12 Oh.

Joe Rogan 50:12 'Cause you're not gonna stop that thing from pissing on the walls.

Dave Attell 50:15 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:15 Right? He's gonna mark wherever he wants, so he's gonna-

Dave Attell 50:17 Wait, is that a snake next to the tiger-

50:19 This guy's into exotic shit.

50:20 ... coiled up?

Joe Rogan 50:21 Yeah.

Dave Attell 50:22 It's hard to tell.

50:24 Uh.

Joe Rogan 50:24 It's hard to tell. That looks like a turtle.

Dave Attell 50:24 That's so unfair to the tiger too.

50:26 I know.

Joe Rogan 50:26 That's so rude to the tiger.

Dave Attell 50:28 Living up in-

Joe Rogan 50:28 But so is the zoo, by the way.

Dave Attell 50:29 ... in the Bronx. What?

Joe Rogan 50:30 The, the zoo.

Dave Attell 50:31 (laughs)

50:32 Bronx tiger. (laughs)

50:34 It's like, it's like, "When are we gonna move to Manhattan or something?"

50:36 (laughs)

50:36 You know, it's like, "I'm sick of being..." (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:39 We're nowhere near the park.

Dave Attell 50:40 Now they get to know the action.

50:42 There was a really good, um... This, uh, pa- uh, owl escaped from the, uh, Central Park Zoo, and they tried to capture him and then they couldn't. And then they said, "He'll just be fine. He's living out there in Central Park. He's eating rats and pigeons and so he's, like, helping everything." And then he just flew into a building and died. It was sad.

50:58 (laughs)

50:58 I felt so bad for him. (laughs) It's like, he finally got out-

51:00 Flew into a building?

51:00 ... and he was, like, looking for a mate, and then he just, like, at night, 'cause these owls, you know, they're night people, so he just, like, flew into somebody's building and killed himself, you know?

Joe Rogan 51:08 But I thought they fly good at night.

Dave Attell 51:09 That's what I thought. I guess not. I guess he was-

51:11 He was drunk.

51:11 ... half owl, half seagull or something.

Joe Rogan 51:13 Well, birds get really confused by glass.

Dave Attell 51:15 Oh, yeah.

51:16 That was him, Flaco.

51:17 Flaco.

Joe Rogan 51:18 (laughs)

Dave Attell 51:18 Dead.

Joe Rogan 51:19 Oh, Flaco.

Dave Attell 51:20 Poor Flaco.

51:21 That's great.

Joe Rogan 51:22 Flaco probably thought he was going into an opening and he hit a window.

Dave Attell 51:25 Sure.

51:26 Mm-hmm. Oh, look at him.

51:27 But yeah, he was, uh, he was, like, escaped, you know. Um, catch and release. Bail, you know, bail reform.

Joe Rogan 51:31 You ever have that happen in your house?

Dave Attell 51:33 (laughs)

51:33 Let him out.

51:34 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 51:34 You ever have that happen in your house? You just hear dunk, and it's, uh, the sound of a knock on glass, and you look out and you see a bird just dead?

Dave Attell 51:40 Oh, geez.

51:41 Oh, no.

Joe Rogan 51:42 It happens.

Dave Attell 51:42 I hear a thunk on my glass, I live in Brooklyn, it's just an angry teenager. (laughs)

51:46 But that's like when you drive through Nebraska and, like, all of a sudden, like, weird shit starts hitting your windshield, you know?

Joe Rogan 51:51 Oh, yeah.

Dave Attell 51:51 It's like, "What is that? Is that a grasshopper? Uh, what is that thing?"

Joe Rogan 51:54 Oh, yeah. Like, huge bugs and stuff.

Dave Attell 51:55 You know? Like, and it's just like, uh, for the amount of bug and the amount of shit that comes out of him, you're like, "Wow, that didn't make sense." You know?

52:00 (laughs)

52:00 It's like a splatter.

Joe Rogan 52:02 Imagine driving through a locust storm.

Dave Attell 52:04 Oh, that would be cool.

52:05 Oh.

52:05 Oh, man.

Joe Rogan 52:06 What, they just flood the skies?

Dave Attell 52:07 Oh, for God's sakes.

Joe Rogan 52:08 You know locusts and grasshoppers are the same thing?

Dave Attell 52:10 I didn't know that.

52:11 What?

Joe Rogan 52:11 Yeah, grasshoppers, like, turn into locusts. It's like a s- specific thing that can happen to them. I don't know if it's, like, a population thing or, uh-

Dave Attell 52:19 Like caterpillars into a butterfly?

Joe Rogan 52:20 Uh, no, because it's not a... It doesn't always happen.

Dave Attell 52:23 Oh.

Joe Rogan 52:23 Like, fi- find out, like, what turns grasshoppers into locusts?

Dave Attell 52:27 Holy shit. Hold on.

52:28 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 52:28 It's something really nutty.

Dave Attell 52:29 Wait, if you can eat-

Joe Rogan 52:30 Look at this. Look at this locust swarm. Check this out.

Dave Attell 52:34 Well, whatever, they always use whatever bathroom they want.

52:37 Gee. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:38 Each swarm-

Dave Attell 52:40 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:40 ... can contain up to 200 million pests.

Dave Attell 52:42 Ouch.

Joe Rogan 52:42 How about living creatures, you fucking piece of shit?

Dave Attell 52:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 52:46 They're not pests. They're much more than-

Dave Attell 52:48 That's a grasshopper.

Joe Rogan 52:49 Yeah. If... Yeah, and they turn... So, b- but just Google what-

Dave Attell 52:52 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:53 ... what it is.

Dave Attell 52:53 Can't you eat this? I mean, I think grasshoppers-

52:56 Yeah.

52:56 ... are edible.

52:56 If you can eat grasshopper and cricket, can you eat locusts?

Joe Rogan 52:59 Yeah, for sure.

Dave Attell 53:00 Oh.

53:00 So, what are we crying about?

Joe Rogan 53:01 You can eat most bugs.

Dave Attell 53:02 Open your mouth.

Joe Rogan 53:03 You can eat a lot of bugs. Various species of short-horned grasshoppers in the fam... But, like-

Dave Attell 53:09 They are so odd.

Joe Rogan 53:09 ... they have a swarming phase. So, what causes them to swarm? Locusts and grasshoppers are the same in appearance, but locusts can exist in two different behavioral states, solitary and gregarious, whereas most grasshoppers do not. When the population density is low, locusts behave as individuals-

Dave Attell 53:26 Oh.

Joe Rogan 53:26 ... much like grasshoppers. So, it's a population thing.

Dave Attell 53:29 I thought it was mating.

Joe Rogan 53:30 Why do grasshoppers turn into locusts? The term locust is used for a grasshopper species that change morphology, morphologically and behaviorally on crowding. Forming swarms develop from bands of immature stages called hoppers.

Dave Attell 53:45 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 53:45 The change is described as density dependent phenotypic plasticity. Yeah.

Dave Attell 53:51 Wow.

Joe Rogan 53:51 So, it's density dependent, so it's like, it's something about the population that causes them to go fucking nutty, and so they look real different. Like, look at their-

Dave Attell 53:59 Wow.

Joe Rogan 53:59 ... their color changes.

Dave Attell 54:00 Oh, man.

Joe Rogan 54:01 Isn't that bizarre?

Dave Attell 54:01 That one's tough on the top there. That's so cool with the knees back there. They gotta make a drone or something like that. Th- I mean, honestly.

54:07 (laughs)

54:07 They look like-

Joe Rogan 54:08 Pretty wild.

Dave Attell 54:09 It is pretty nuts.

54:10 There was a super swarm of locusts in-

54:11 Mm.

54:11 ... like, the Illinois, Indiana, Ohio area this year.

54:15 Wow.

Joe Rogan 54:15 Oh, really?

Dave Attell 54:16 Two, two... You know, like, they, they bury themselves or they hibernate for, like-

Joe Rogan 54:19 (gasps)

Dave Attell 54:19 ... 20-something years.

54:20 That's a cicada, I thought.

Joe Rogan 54:21 Oh, my God.

Dave Attell 54:22 Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Well, I couldn't use them myself.

54:24 Please.

54:24 (laughs)

54:24 It's my big thing, the cicada bird.

Joe Rogan 54:26 Is it a cicada?

Dave Attell 54:26 Cicada, yeah, it is a cicada.

54:27 Oh.

54:27 Yeah, it's a cicada.

Joe Rogan 54:27 Oh, cicadas, they eat those too?

Dave Attell 54:29 Every 17 years or 13 years, the cicada return. I always love that.

54:33 Yeah.

54:33 When they come out and it's just, like, they're annoying.

Joe Rogan 54:35 They're everywhere.

Dave Attell 54:35 Shedding their skin.

Joe Rogan 54:37 ... they're really loud, but they eat those too.

Dave Attell 54:39 Wow.

Joe Rogan 54:40 I know a lot of people, um, online, uh, have videos about how to cook cicadas.

Ian Fidance 54:45 Ew.

Dave Attell 54:45 That sort of things-

Joe Rogan 54:46 You use, like, teriyaki sauce and you bake them. Apparently they're delicious.

Dave Attell 54:49 It's protein, right?

Ian Fidance 54:49 Trillions will be present.

Joe Rogan 54:51 Apparently. Trillions!

Ian Fidance 54:52 Oh.

Joe Rogan 54:53 Trillions!

Ian Fidance 54:54 Awesome.

Joe Rogan 54:54 Since cicadas will emerge from Maryland to Oklahoma, Illinois to Alabama, clearly trillions of adult cicadas will be present, but not all in the same place at the same time. Yeah, well that's ... I would hope not. (laughs)

Dave Attell 55:08 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:08 Can you imagine-

Ian Fidance 55:08 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 55:08 ... there's trillions of those fat bugs?

Dave Attell 55:10 That's crazy.

Ian Fidance 55:11 Imagine the border. (laughs)

Dave Attell 55:12 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 55:14 I think they're cool. They sound cool. So, but they're out every year, right, in small numbers? Is that what the deal is? And then-

Ian Fidance 55:19 Uh, yeah, are, are they the ones that make the noises-

Joe Rogan 55:21 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 55:21 ... at night?

Dave Attell 55:22 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 55:22 Are they ... Is that the deal? Like, they're out every year in small numbers-

Dave Attell 55:25 Yeah, so-

Joe Rogan 55:25 ... and then every-

Dave Attell 55:26 Here's the ... Like, the br- it's called a brood.

Joe Rogan 55:29 Yeah.

Dave Attell 55:29 So, like, there's different sizes of them that-

Joe Rogan 55:32 Wow.

Ian Fidance 55:33 Those fuckers.

Dave Attell 55:33 ... come out or, or emerge every year, I guess is what it's called.

Joe Rogan 55:35 This is what the World Economic Forum wants us to eat.

Ian Fidance 55:37 (laughs) Look at that.

Joe Rogan 55:38 You will eat bugs and you'll be happy.

Ian Fidance 55:41 Happy?

Joe Rogan 55:41 But the thing is-

Ian Fidance 55:42 And have nothing.

Joe Rogan 55:43 ... you need to know that you can eat them.

Dave Attell 55:44 You can eat them?

Joe Rogan 55:45 They're, they're very edible. And my, my friend, um, Ryan Callahan, he, he had, like, a recipe for cooking them he talked about. Like, just take them, put them on a sheet, use teriyaki sauce-

Dave Attell 55:56 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 55:56 ... like a teriyaki glaze, cook them. Apparently they're delicious.

Ian Fidance 55:59 I would try it, but-

Dave Attell 55:59 Just stir fry them, right?

Ian Fidance 56:00 ... I don't know if I'd ...

Joe Rogan 56:02 I ate them in ... I ate grasshoppers in Mexico.

Ian Fidance 56:04 Hmm, really?

Joe Rogan 56:05 Was it crickets? It might have been crickets.

Ian Fidance 56:07 Do they, do they, like, deep fry them or how do they cook-

Joe Rogan 56:09 They deep fry them, somehow. I don't know.

Ian Fidance 56:11 Like pan sear them?

Joe Rogan 56:12 Something like that.

Ian Fidance 56:12 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 56:13 I don't know, but they had a bowl of them in the room. I think it was crickets. And I was like ... First of all, that's weird because, like, crickets are the only bug that I don't kill. Like, if I find a cricket, I catch him with my hand and bring him outside.

Ian Fidance 56:24 Really?

Joe Rogan 56:24 Yeah. If I find a spider, you're fucked.

Dave Attell 56:26 Really?

Joe Rogan 56:26 Spiders are fucked.

Ian Fidance 56:27 Yeah.

Dave Attell 56:27 Wow.

Joe Rogan 56:28 I'll kill you. You bite me-

Dave Attell 56:29 Yeah. See, that looks pretty good.

Ian Fidance 56:30 Yeah, once you chill it.

Dave Attell 56:31 Once you cook it up.

Joe Rogan 56:32 They call it, uh, chapulines. That's how you say it?

Ian Fidance 56:35 I would do that.

Joe Rogan 56:36 Dried and roasted grasshoppers. A pre-Hispanic Mexican delicacy. They're small. Most are shorter than the length of an adult pinky, and nutty in flavor.

Ian Fidance 56:46 Ooh.

Joe Rogan 56:46 The cooking process can add additional flavors, such as lemon, garlic, and chili. So-

Dave Attell 56:50 I thought it was South- Southeast Asia or something, where they have, you know-

Joe Rogan 56:53 So maybe, maybe it's grasshoppers and I thought it was crickets. It looks like that. Either way, um-

Dave Attell 57:00 I could see that.

Joe Rogan 57:00 ... grasshoppers, I don't kill either.

Dave Attell 57:01 What about, like, uh ... Are you like an adventure food guy, or no?

Joe Rogan 57:05 Yeah, I'll try some different stuff.

Dave Attell 57:06 You know that thing in the Philippines where it's like an egg, but, like, it's, it's like the fetus is already, like ... You know, it's not like a ri-

Ian Fidance 57:12 Pulut?

Dave Attell 57:12 Yeah. Have you had that?

Joe Rogan 57:14 We used to serve that on Fear Factor.

Dave Attell 57:15 Oh, jeez.

Joe Rogan 57:15 And my Filipino friends were like, "Get the fuck out of here. It ain't that easy." Like, what are they scared to eat that for?

Dave Attell 57:20 It's, it's terrifying looking.

Ian Fidance 57:21 Wait, what, what is it?

Joe Rogan 57:21 It's basically a-

Dave Attell 57:22 It's like a baby bird.

Joe Rogan 57:23 ... a fertilized embryo-

Dave Attell 57:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 57:25 ... of, uh ... It's a duck? Is that what it is? Or is it a chicken?

Dave Attell 57:28 I have no idea what it is. It looks disgusting.

Ian Fidance 57:30 So you, you could egg and then the, the embryo is developed?

Joe Rogan 57:32 Yeah, yeah.

Dave Attell 57:32 Yeah, see, there's, like, a thing in there.

Ian Fidance 57:34 Oh my God.

Joe Rogan 57:35 Yeah. So people eat the whole thing. They eat the little baby, they eat the yolk, they eat everything.

Ian Fidance 57:40 Oh.

Dave Attell 57:40 That, to me, is, like, too much.

Joe Rogan 57:42 It's rough.

Dave Attell 57:42 Yeah. It's gotta be.

Joe Rogan 57:43 You'se you get ... You're getting beaks in there and you're getting organ-

Dave Attell 57:45 Oh, God. (gagging)

Joe Rogan 57:46 (laughing)

Ian Fidance 57:47 (laughing)

Dave Attell 57:49 I'm such a baby with food.

Ian Fidance 57:52 Feet.

Joe Rogan 57:52 Yeah. Feet, beaks.

Dave Attell 57:55 I'm like, "Ugh."

Joe Rogan 57:55 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 57:55 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:56 I don't remember if I tried that. I don't think I did.

Dave Attell 57:58 That sounds like a really good treat for, like, a dog. Like, "Hey, look, there's a egg and a, like, a bird in there." (laughs) You know, like, "Here you go, buddy."

Joe Rogan 58:04 I ate so many things on Fear Factor, I kinda forgot all the stuff I ate. I don't think I ate one of those, though.

Dave Attell 58:09 Snake, of course, right?

Joe Rogan 58:10 But ... No, I never ate snake.

Dave Attell 58:11 Really?

Joe Rogan 58:12 No.

Ian Fidance 58:12 Would you eat everything that they ate to be like-

Joe Rogan 58:14 No, I did-

Ian Fidance 58:14 ... "I ate it, it's fine"?

Joe Rogan 58:15 I would hit, do it if I thought someone, someone really, real- needed to know that you can do it. And then I'm-

Dave Attell 58:21 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 58:21 ... I'll do it for no reason. I'll do it for no reason. I can't even win, just to show you that you could do it.

Ian Fidance 58:24 Wow.

Joe Rogan 58:24 Like, you can do this. You just do it.

Ian Fidance 58:26 Wow.

Joe Rogan 58:26 Just, just decide you're gonna do it and do it.

Dave Attell 58:28 That's so paternal.

Joe Rogan 58:29 Well, it's just like coaching.

Ian Fidance 58:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:31 You know, I'm trying to help these people.

Ian Fidance 58:32 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 58:33 Is n- That's a weird moment, being on TV trying to eat a dick.

Dave Attell 58:37 (laughing)

58:41 What's the side? You know? It's like-

Joe Rogan 58:43 (laughs)

Dave Attell 58:43 "And can I get some fries with that dick?"

Joe Rogan 58:45 Yeah.

Dave Attell 58:45 You know? It's like-

Joe Rogan 58:45 Fried pubes.

Dave Attell 58:48 (laughs)

Ian Fidance 58:48 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 58:48 Yeah.

Dave Attell 58:49 I don't know, man. I think it was cool that, uh ... You know, uh, in New York there's always, like, the n- the new restaurant, the new hot thing to eat-

Joe Rogan 58:55 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 58:55 ... and stuff like that. I'm never into that.

Joe Rogan 58:57 Mm-mm.

Dave Attell 58:57 I'm not a food guy like that. He, you, like, you're into everything, right?

Ian Fidance 58:59 I'll try anything, but I, I definitely have my comforts that I go back to.

Dave Attell 59:04 Yeah, man, it's just so hard. That's why Austin's so good. They got great food here, pretty much from, uh, beginning, you know, like, the morning to date-

Ian Fidance 59:13 Those food trucks are the best.

Dave Attell 59:13 Yeah, get tonight.

Joe Rogan 59:14 There's so many good food trucks.

Dave Attell 59:15 Yeah.

Ian Fidance 59:15 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 59:15 Yeah, there's a g- lot of great options. And there's a lot of, you know, just, there's a lot of cool shit to do here. It's, it's not overwhelmed. It's, like, a perfect size.

Dave Attell 59:24 Mm-hmm. And what's the, um ... Oh, I was gonna say, um ... You know, we're doing the club, right? And that 6th Street, has it settled down, or is it still, like, popping the way it is?

Ian Fidance 59:35 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:35 It's pretty crazy, dude. Yeah.

Dave Attell 59:37 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 59:37 It's a crazy s- see, that end of it, too, is kind of the craziest end.

Dave Attell 59:41 Yeah, it is.

Ian Fidance 59:41 It's fucking wild.

Joe Rogan 59:42 We're in the heart of it.

Dave Attell 59:43 When you're old and you walk down that street, it's a whole different experience. Nobody gets it. Like, when you're an old person with, like, a, a mortgage- (laughs) ... and you're walking down the street and you just see all that. The only place I think a- almost as equal is San Diego.

Joe Rogan 59:54 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 59:55 Like, uh, that street where the American Comedy Club is-

Joe Rogan 59:57 Mm-hmm.

Dave Attell 59:57 ... 'cause it's just nothing but, like, drunks, fights-

Joe Rogan 1:00:00 Right, right.

Dave Attell 1:00:01 Um, just squad cars coming from every direction-

Joe Rogan 1:00:03 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dave Attell 1:00:04 ... all the time for, like, two hours. Then it's, like, quiet again. But it's just, like, this amazing kind of like, um, you know, um, like, like, almost like somebody said, like, you know, rung a bell. It's like, "Be nuts." You know-

Ian Fidance 1:00:13 Yeah, it's like a weird-

Dave Attell 1:00:14 And people go crazy.

Ian Fidance 1:00:14 ... purge for a couple hours.

Dave Attell 1:00:16 A purge.

Joe Rogan 1:00:16 Yeah.

Dave Attell 1:00:17 The purge. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:17 Yeah.

Dave Attell 1:00:18 That's what it feels like.

Ian Fidance 1:00:19 It is like that. A bunch of barefoot drunk women. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:21 God.

Dave Attell 1:00:22 But-

Joe Rogan 1:00:22 So crazy.

Dave Attell 1:00:23 But yeah, that, that just, that, that street, man, there's so much stuff going on.

Ian Fidance 1:00:26 It's very overwhelming.

Joe Rogan 1:00:27 ... but that's a good place for comedy, both in San Diego and here.

Dave Attell 1:00:31 Sure.

Joe Rogan 1:00:31 It's like to be around that chaos and then come inside, you're a little-

Dave Attell 1:00:34 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:00:34 ... like more used to chaos.

Dave Attell 1:00:35 Hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:00:36 A little more used to, like, some nuttiness.

Dave Attell 1:00:38 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 1:00:39 You know? You're, you're out there waiting in line and you just see-

Dave Attell 1:00:42 You're seeing some shit, yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:42 ... fucking crackheads everywhere. We have security out there to protect them.

Dave Attell 1:00:45 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:00:46 Like, it's like, it's, it's- (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:00:48 Yeah.

1:00:48 Well, that's-

Joe Rogan 1:00:48 It's a sketchy fucking street.

Dave Attell 1:00:49 That's like, your cellar now in the West Village. Like, these people line up to go see a comedy show and then there's just people-

1:00:55 (laughs)

1:00:55 ... accosting them for money and singing songs in their face.

Joe Rogan 1:00:59 (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:00:59 (laughs)

1:00:59 And then they come in, like, "What the fuck just happened?"

Joe Rogan 1:01:01 Do you feel a noticeable change in the city-

Dave Attell 1:01:04 Yes.

Joe Rogan 1:01:04 ... with the immigrant thing?

Dave Attell 1:01:06 Oh, it depends what part of the city you're in.

1:01:08 Yeah.

1:01:08 But definitely around, like, the Port Authority, Midtown-

1:01:11 Mm-hmm.

1:01:11 ... you'll definitely see more of-

1:01:12 Times Square, yeah.

1:01:12 ... of that kind of, uh, you know, activity going on.

Joe Rogan 1:01:14 And that's over how much time?

Dave Attell 1:01:16 Uh, I'd say the last six months, three months, something like that.

Joe Rogan 1:01:20 So where do you think this goes in six years?

Dave Attell 1:01:22 (laughs)

1:01:22 Nowhere good.

Joe Rogan 1:01:23 Is it Delhi? (laughs)

Dave Attell 1:01:25 Is it... (laughs) I, I, I really don't know. But there is like a... There, there definitely is, like, a mood in that part of town.

1:01:31 Yeah.

1:01:31 And it's, it's everywhere, by the way. But that, that's where you s- I see it the most where I'm like, "Whoa, look at, look at, like, uh, the bus station here." Like, just outside is just basically-

Joe Rogan 1:01:39 There's never been more mango and candy being sold on the streets now, which is pretty good.

Dave Attell 1:01:42 (laughs) Yeah.

1:01:43 Well...

Joe Rogan 1:01:43 I'm a fan of both mango and candy.

Dave Attell 1:01:44 Shaved ice is, it's so much easier to get.

Joe Rogan 1:01:46 Yeah, but can you imagine being, like, 19 and living, you know, in, in a terrible place and you're just so poor and you're like, "Wait, I get to go to a place where I get away with crimes with my boys? Let's go."

Dave Attell 1:02:00 All right.

Joe Rogan 1:02:00 If you're just, like, a group of lost boys- No, they just let you right outta jail when you beat up a cop on TV?

Dave Attell 1:02:04 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But-

Joe Rogan 1:02:06 It's like, we are such suckers, we're such suckers as a nation to let this happen. It's so dumb. It's the dumbest fucking thing. It's happening right in front of everybody's face, "Well, what do we do? What do we do?" And none of our elected leaders are doing anything to stop it.

Dave Attell 1:02:21 Yeah, but weren't they shipping them to, like, Martha's Vineyard and stuff?

Joe Rogan 1:02:24 Well, it's-

Dave Attell 1:02:24 (laughs)

1:02:24 Should that do anything?

Joe Rogan 1:02:25 But that was Texas.

Dave Attell 1:02:26 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:26 That's our guy. Our guy is awesome.

Dave Attell 1:02:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:28 He ships them. He's like, "Okay, you guys want... Fuck, you don't wanna deal with it? You wanna let these people in?"

Dave Attell 1:02:33 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:33 "You want sanctuary cities? Good. We'll send them to the sanctuary cities." So he just started busing people to New York.

Dave Attell 1:02:38 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:38 That's... He, our guy is responsible for what's happening and a lot of what's happening in New York. That's how they got up there.

Dave Attell 1:02:44 Yeah, thanks.

Joe Rogan 1:02:44 But now the government is flying them places, they're flying them to different cities. You can ask where you wanna go. They give you money. They give you a cellphone. And the thing that's really freaking people out, especially people in poor cities in this country is like, "Where's that fucking help for us?"

Dave Attell 1:02:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 1:02:57 "You got these people housed in the Roosevelt, you give them three f- free meals a day."

Dave Attell 1:03:01 Mm-hmm.

1:03:01 Sure.

Joe Rogan 1:03:01 "Plus, you're giving them money."

Dave Attell 1:03:02 And they can masturbate wherever they want?

Joe Rogan 1:03:04 Uh-huh.

Dave Attell 1:03:04 (laughs) It's amazing.

Joe Rogan 1:03:05 Is that real?

Dave Attell 1:03:05 That's true.

Joe Rogan 1:03:06 Anywhere they want?

Dave Attell 1:03:07 Yeah.

1:03:07 And for a long time, for a long time.

Joe Rogan 1:03:09 Is that real?

Dave Attell 1:03:09 Yeah. It's happening a lot.

1:03:10 For a long time, especially in New York, they would look at you guys down here and go like, "You know, what are you... What are you..." And then they finally got to experience it and it's probably... What we experienced is probably just, like, one-tenth