Joe Rogan Experience #2124 - Dave Attell & Ian Fidance

Dave Attell is a stand-up comic, actor, and writer. Look for his new Netflix special "Hot Cross Buns" on March 26. www.daveattell.com Ian Fidance is a stand-up comic, actor, and writer. Check out his podcast "Bein' Ian with Jordan" on Spotify. www.ianfidance.com

Dave AttellguestJoe RoganhostIan Fidanceguest

Mar 23, 20242h 43mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

150 min read · 30,026 words

0:00 – 1:27
Welcome to the Mothership + Attell’s special tease
1. DADave Attell
  (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
2. NANarrator
  The Joe Rogan Experience.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (energetic music) Gentlemen.
4. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  Good to see you.
6. IFIan Fidance
  Hey.
7. DADave Attell
  Joe, thanks for having us.
8. IFIan Fidance
  Ian, Dave, thank you so much.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  My pleasure, my pleasure. Thanks for coming to town.
10. IFIan Fidance
  Ah.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Everybody's very excited.
12. DADave Attell
  I'm excited, dude. Playing the club. Had to bring in Ian, super fan of the show.
13. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, thanks, Ian.
15. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  I'm- I'm a fan of you, dude.
17. IFIan Fidance
  Oh.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  You're a funny motherfucker.
19. DADave Attell
  Thank you, bro. Means a lot. Appreciate it.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  My pleasure, bro. My pleasure.
21. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs) Yeah. I'm excited to be at the club, man. It's the fucking best.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. I'm excited to have you guys. We're- everybody's been pumped. We're pumped.
23. DADave Attell
  It's a stroke fest. But you know what, Joe? I'm in town for the club, to hang with you, and also to promote a special. What do you think?
24. JRJoe Rogan
  Yay.
25. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
26. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
27. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
28. DADave Attell
  Only, I bring one out every other election year.
29. IFIan Fidance
  Nice.
30. DADave Attell
  I know, it's- I don't have the turnaround you have, man. You're good.
1:27 – 4:28
Aging, maintenance, and the diet/Ozempic tangent
1. JRJoe Rogan
  But we're old.
2. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  David, we are old now.
4. DADave Attell
  I am very... I was... My mom's been in the hospital, right? I went in there and people thought I was the patient.
5. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
6. DADave Attell
  I was sitting in the room with her and they kept coming over to me. I'm like, "Her, her." I wish it was a joke. It's not. (laughs)
7. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
8. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
9. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh. I've known you for at least 30 years.
10. DADave Attell
  For sure.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
12. DADave Attell
  Well, it looks better on you than on me, so... (laughs) That's for sure.
13. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs) Come on.
14. DADave Attell
  That's why I brought in my, uh, my intern-
15. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. (laughs)
16. DADave Attell
  ... to take some of the slack off.
17. IFIan Fidance
  Wait, you guys are the same age?
18. DADave Attell
  Oh, that can't be possible.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
20. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
21. DADave Attell
  I'm older than you. I'm older than you.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  How old are you?
23. DADave Attell
  59.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  I'm 56.
25. DADave Attell
  Okay. Well, there you go. See?
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
27. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
28. DADave Attell
  Three years ago, I looked like that.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
30. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
4:28 – 7:18
Carb-loading, NYC bike survival, and a street confrontation story
1. IFIan Fidance
  What about... What is carbo-loading? Aren't you supposed to do a bunch of that before you do like a race or your ride, bikes?
2. DADave Attell
  Yeah. Yeah, that's some... A lot of guys do that. Um, that, that... You'd have to talk to, like, endurance athletes about that. But essentially they're just like taking in a lot of carbohydrates before like ultra marathons-
3. IFIan Fidance
  Mm-hmm.
4. DADave Attell
  ... and things like that. And then they also have gels. They have these carb gels they'll squirt in their mouth-
5. IFIan Fidance
  Oh, wow.
6. DADave Attell
  ... when they're running. Yeah, they're just all about performance. Those, those folks are all about just like-
7. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
8. DADave Attell
  ... trying to squeeze out another two or three minutes in a 100-mile race.
9. IFIan Fidance
  Oh, that's crazy.
10. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
11. IFIan Fidance
  I ride a bike in New York City, so I'd eat a ton of pasta and I'm riding three miles. I'm like, "I got to carbo-load." (laughs)
12. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
13. IFIan Fidance
  This is important.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  But that's a fucking workout though.
15. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Boy, that's so good for your health, except for the fact that you're breathing in brake dust.
17. DADave Attell
  Oh. I think that's the least of it in New York.
18. IFIan Fidance
  Oh yeah. (humming)
19. DADave Attell
  It's kind of like, it's kind of like... (laughs) You're driving through like a zombie horde, you know?
20. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21. DADave Attell
  It's like...
22. IFIan Fidance
  Homeless dust.
23. DADave Attell
  You're pedaling and you're also kind of basically like, "Away, get away."
24. IFIan Fidance
  Oh, yeah.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Thought about wearing like armor. (laughs)
26. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
27. DADave Attell
  Charge of the Light Brigade.
28. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
29. DADave Attell
  I have used my bike chain as like a mace.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  For real?
7:18 – 8:56
Fighting “international rules,” poison-ring lore, and sober road routines
1. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah, but you gotta be careful fighting people from other countries. They play by different rules.
2. DADave Attell
  That's true.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah.
4. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  You know, you're with a guy, you're tangling, all of a sudden he pulls out a snake.
6. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
7. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
8. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
9. DADave Attell
  I got to poison this viper on me.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
11. DADave Attell
  You know who told me that? This guy, um, I knew from Malaysia.
12. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
13. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
14. DADave Attell
  He said, "You know, in Malaysia, you know, you go to a bar, and these guys have these rings that are dipped in poison." So like, you know, you'd be with a guy and all of a sudden he'll like, on the back like, like that, and they're like-
15. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
16. DADave Attell
  ... "Ow, what was that? Like a pinprick?"
17. IFIan Fidance
  And then you're dead.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Then you're dead.
19. DADave Attell
  And then you're dead like a day later.
20. IFIan Fidance
  No.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
22. DADave Attell
  It's a Malaysian hello.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
24. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
25. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
26. IFIan Fidance
  Like those spears dipped in shit-
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Assassins. (laughs)
28. IFIan Fidance
  ... in Vietnam?
29. DADave Attell
  Something like that.
30. IFIan Fidance
  Ugh.
8:56 – 11:44
Smoking culture whiplash: airport ‘coffin rooms’ and planes that used to allow it
1. IFIan Fidance
  Well, those connecting flights are hell when you can't smoke cigarettes.
2. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm-hmm.
4. IFIan Fidance
  That's like an eight-hour connecting flight, then you gotta smoke in the family bathroom at the airport.
5. DADave Attell
  There's only one airport-
6. JRJoe Rogan
  Ugh.
7. DADave Attell
  ... where you can smoke and that's, uh, Vegas, I think.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Is that the only one that has a booth?
9. IFIan Fidance
  Ten.
10. DADave Attell
  It has that weird... Yeah, like that-
11. JRJoe Rogan
  That coffin room?
12. DADave Attell
  Yeah, that kind of... Everyone can-
13. IFIan Fidance
  Can you smoke in the Nashville airport too?
14. DADave Attell
  ... stare at you and shame you. I don't, I don't think so.
15. IFIan Fidance
  I don't think so.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Bro, that is the wildest thing they ever did, give you a box where you could do drugs in.
17. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
18. DADave Attell
  Oh, yeah.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Just say, "Get in there."
20. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  'Cause it's gonna fuck up everybody else, so get in there-
22. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  ... so you don't fuck it up for everybody else.
24. IFIan Fidance
  Get in your little cage.
25. DADave Attell
  Live it up.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  You little rat. Well, the crazy thing is you used to be able to smoke on the fucking plane.
27. IFIan Fidance
  Yes.
28. DADave Attell
  Yes.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  I remember it clearly when I was a kid. Dice used to have a bit about it, The Smoking Section.
30. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
11:44 – 19:56
Methadone/Suboxone and the opiate pipeline to absurd extremes
1. JRJoe Rogan
  I used to go to this pool hall, and the, the methadone clinic was right down the street. And so, uh, my friend Johnny used to call them the Methadonians.
2. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
3. JRJoe Rogan
  They'd come in, they'd get their dose, and they'd just come in and play pool, and they're like...
4. DADave Attell
  Perfect.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  The best. For sure, they were high.
6. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  This idea that methadone- Oh, yeah. ... is like that's what stops you from using heroin, right? Right. But it also gets you high, right? Dude.
8. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
9. JRJoe Rogan
  That's like suboxone.
10. DADave Attell
  Yeah. I know guys who are ad- addicted to methadone.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Mm-hmm.
12. DADave Attell
  Mm-hmm. And, uh, what was I gonna say? That you can take with just a pill, right? Isn't that what that is?
13. IFIan Fidance
  You can drink it too.
14. DADave Attell
  You can?
15. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
16. DADave Attell
  Wow.And, and Suboxone is the same thing. It's just like-
17. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. I had a guy come in and explain that on the podcast once. He actually ran a clinic-
18. DADave Attell
  Uh-huh.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  ... at one point in time, and he was explaining how they're just getting you hooked on these other things.
20. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  And these other things also get you high.
22. DADave Attell
  Yeah. Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  Did you... Have you done it before?
24. DADave Attell
  No.
25. JRJoe Rogan
  Suboxone?
26. DADave Attell
  No, no. But I mean, it's, it's just like-
27. JRJoe Rogan
  I've heard mixed reviews, though. Some people say it doesn't do that to you. Some-
28. DADave Attell
  Well, I mean, it's like, whatever gets you off the thing that's killing you, you know, it's like harm reduction, but eventually, you gotta get off that if, if you wanna be, like, totally sober.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  But from what my understanding is that methadone is just as bad, if not worse for you.
30. DADave Attell
  Really?
19:56 – 30:22
Pill mills, the OxyContin Express, and drug-money geopolitics
1. DADave Attell
  Oh, that's during the pill mill.
2. JRJoe Rogan
  And this was during-
3. DADave Attell
  Yeah, that's like the pill mill, yeah.
4. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah. That's what the movie-
5. DADave Attell
  That's a great doc on, uh, Netflix.
6. NANarrator
  Yeah.
7. DADave Attell
  That, uh, the guys were making all that money just selling like fake (laughs) , you know, like it was just like, anybody, people coming in at Kentucky.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
9. DADave Attell
  Like, "Hey, I got a, I got a bursitis." "Okay, here you go."
10. JRJoe Rogan
  That's my friend Mariana Van Zeller. She... It's the Oxycontin express. That, that lady, that lady's a gangster. But she, uh, exposed the whole thing where they don't have a database.
11. DADave Attell
  Yeah, yeah.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  So you can go from one place... They're basically pain management centers. Do you remember those?
13. DADave Attell
  Yeah, it's-
14. NANarrator
  Yeah.
15. DADave Attell
  It's all done now.
16. JRJoe Rogan
  It's, it's crazy. "Okay, Mr. Limbaugh and I have maintained from the start that there was no doctor shopping, and when you c- we continue to hold this position."
17. DADave Attell
  Oh, that's nice.
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Mr. Black said. I love how he says that just that way, like he's s- giving up the fact that he's playing a game. "We continue to hold this position." (laughs)
19. DADave Attell
  Wow.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  That's... You're playing a chess game. You're literally like saying it in what you're saying. There was no doctor shopping. I don't know what you're talking about.
21. DADave Attell
  But maybe back... Like, he had to be doing this for years and years and years, right?
22. JRJoe Rogan
  No, if he's getting 2,000 pills-
23. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  ... you're going doctor shopping.
25. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
26. DADave Attell
  Mm-hmm.
27. JRJoe Rogan
  Or you're buying it from a drug dealer. It's one of those two options.
28. DADave Attell
  Amazing.
29. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah, but when you have endless money-
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah.
30:22 – 34:17
Touring abroad and Canada: crowds, culture, and Calgary strip-club anthropology
1. DADave Attell
  What's your, like, uh, when you go overseas, like, do you perform like a tour or like, what's your favorite, like, spot overseas?
2. JRJoe Rogan
  I love the UK. I love-
3. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
4. JRJoe Rogan
  I love to go over there. I just love the people. I just love it. They're fun. It's a fun place. I love England. I love, uh, I love Scotland.
5. DADave Attell
  How about Australia, have you done that?
6. JRJoe Rogan
  ... yeah. I've done Australia, I love Australia.
7. IFIan Fidance
  Ooh. I've never done that.
8. JRJoe Rogan
  They're fun fucking people, man. They're fun people. You know, there's a lot of America that's, like, a little uptight.
9. IFIan Fidance
  For sure. (laughs)
10. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
11. JRJoe Rogan
  And also, like, very judgey.
12. IFIan Fidance
  A lot, yeah. (laughs)
13. JRJoe Rogan
  Very judgey and very uptight.
14. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  And, you know, I know there's a lot of wokeness in England too, but, like, good old fucking regular drunk English guys are fun.
16. IFIan Fidance
  Mm.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  I like 'em. I like drunk Irish guys, they're fun.
18. DADave Attell
  Ireland is good.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. They're fun. Young people there get it. Young people know what the fuck is going on. The, the young people today are on the internet, and the young people today are paying attention to people that aren't lying.
20. IFIan Fidance
  Mm.
21. JRJoe Rogan
  And they realize, like, "Oh, we're getting fucked." Yeah-
22. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
23. JRJoe Rogan
  ... you've been getting fucked. We were getting fucked, we didn't even know we were getting fucked.
24. DADave Attell
  Well, I mean, when you go overseas, that's the thing of, like, uh, you know, I say start small, Canada, you know what I'm saying?
25. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
26. DADave Attell
  Like, who, can you get it going?
27. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs) Yeah.
28. DADave Attell
  But it's funny how, like, they get all of our references, yet they're better people, you know, that kind of thing.
29. JRJoe Rogan
  Canadians?
30. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
34:17 – 38:32
Costa Rica critters and shark reality checks: bull sharks, fishing, and depleted oceans
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Bro, Night Out, documentary Dave Sha- Dave Attell and down there, it's the best.
2. DADave Attell
  Oh, Costa Rica?
3. JRJoe Rogan
  Costa Rica's awesome, but-
4. DADave Attell
  Yeah.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  ... the bugs are gigantic.
6. IFIan Fidance
  Ugh.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  Bro, they have crazy bugs you have never seen before. They're like birds. (laughs)
8. DADave Attell
  Really?
9. IFIan Fidance
  Yeah.
10. JRJoe Rogan
  They're fucking huge.
11. DADave Attell
  No, I wouldn't be into that.
12. JRJoe Rogan
  There's all- there's crocodiles there. I went with my family and we went, uh, on a crocodile tour. It's crazy, dude.
13. DADave Attell
  They're crocodiles, right?
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Oh, yeah. Real crocodiles.
15. IFIan Fidance
  Are they in bayous?
16. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, they have-
17. DADave Attell
  Where are the crocodiles?
18. JRJoe Rogan
  Well, it's like rivers-
19. DADave Attell
  Mm.
20. JRJoe Rogan
  And I don't know what you would call it. I guess you could call it a bayou if it was-
21. DADave Attell
  Mm.
22. JRJoe Rogan
  I think bayou is, like, an American term. Isn't it a French term?
23. DADave Attell
  Yes, it is.
24. JRJoe Rogan
  It's a French term they use for Cajun country.
25. IFIan Fidance
  It's a CCR term.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, yeah. Born on the bayou.
27. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
28. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
29. JRJoe Rogan
  That's a jam. Um, but, so we're in this boat, right? And my kids are young at the time. And I'm like, "Don't go near there, don't go near there." Like, every time they go near the edge, one of them is a little daredevil, and she likes to, like, like, lean over the edge. I'm like, "Come on, you fucking thrill seeker."
30. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
38:32 – 52:02
Freshwater sharks to city animals: parrots, pigeons-as-food, raccoons, and sewer gators
1. JRJoe Rogan
  This is one of the things that just J- Jamie just pointed out. One of the crazy things about bull sharks is they go into freshwater.
2. DADave Attell
  Oh, wow.
3. JRJoe Rogan
  So, so they can go ... They've been all the way up into Illinois.
4. IFIan Fidance
  (laughs)
5. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
6. JRJoe Rogan
  So they make ... No bullshit. They make their way up the river.
7. IFIan Fidance
  Crime statistics out there are getting crazy. (laughs)
8. NANarrator
  (laughs)
9. JRJoe Rogan
  (laughs)
10. DADave Attell
  That explains it.
11. JRJoe Rogan
  Even the movie, Jaws, was based on a freshwater attack that was on a river in New Jersey.
12. DADave Attell
  That's right, yeah.
13. IFIan Fidance
  Wow.
14. DADave Attell
  Near Tom's River.
15. JRJoe Rogan
  They go all the way up the river into the c- ... They can ...
16. DADave Attell
  How can they do that, uh, wa- fresh and, uh, salt? How do they do it?
17. JRJoe Rogan
  'Cause they're monsters.
18. DADave Attell
  Wow.
19. JRJoe Rogan
  They're just designed to kill, and if they g- they ran out of shit to kill in the salt, they ventured into the fresh.
20. DADave Attell
  That's amazing. Where did-
21. JRJoe Rogan
  They made it all the way up into the rivers, and they started killing things.
22. DADave Attell
  What do they ... What do they look like, the bull sharks?
23. IFIan Fidance
  Huh, what kind of shark?
24. JRJoe Rogan
  They look like a shark.
25. IFIan Fidance
  Like a ... Just a regular shark?
26. DADave Attell
  Like a great white-type shark?
27. IFIan Fidance
  No.
28. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, that's a similar-
29. DADave Attell
  No, they're smaller than that, no?
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Smaller.
52:02 – 1:15:05
Locust logic, cicada broods, and eating bugs (plus Fear Factor gross-outs)
1. JRJoe Rogan
  Imagine driving through a locust storm.
2. DADave Attell
  Oh, that would be cool.
3. Oh.
4. Oh, man.
5. JRJoe Rogan
  What, they just flood the skies?
6. DADave Attell
  Oh, for God's sakes.
7. JRJoe Rogan
  You know locusts and grasshoppers are the same thing?
8. DADave Attell
  I didn't know that.
9. What?
10. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah, grasshoppers, like, turn into locusts. It's like a s- specific thing that can happen to them. I don't know if it's, like, a population thing or, uh-
11. DADave Attell
  Like caterpillars into a butterfly?
12. JRJoe Rogan
  Uh, no, because it's not a... It doesn't always happen.
13. DADave Attell
  Oh.
14. JRJoe Rogan
  Like, fi- find out, like, what turns grasshoppers into locusts?
15. DADave Attell
  Holy shit. Hold on.
16. Hmm.
17. JRJoe Rogan
  It's something really nutty.
18. DADave Attell
  Wait, if you can eat-
19. JRJoe Rogan
  Look at this. Look at this locust swarm. Check this out.
20. DADave Attell
  Well, whatever, they always use whatever bathroom they want.
21. Gee. (laughs)
22. JRJoe Rogan
  Each swarm-
23. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
24. JRJoe Rogan
  ... can contain up to 200 million pests.
25. DADave Attell
  Ouch.
26. JRJoe Rogan
  How about living creatures, you fucking piece of shit?
27. DADave Attell
  (laughs)
28. JRJoe Rogan
  They're not pests. They're much more than-
29. DADave Attell
  That's a grasshopper.
30. JRJoe Rogan
  Yeah. If... Yeah, and they turn... So, b- but just Google what-

Episode duration: 2:43:20

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Welcome to the Mothership + Attell’s special tease

Aging, maintenance, and the diet/Ozempic tangent

Carb-loading, NYC bike survival, and a street confrontation story

Fighting “international rules,” poison-ring lore, and sober road routines

Smoking culture whiplash: airport ‘coffin rooms’ and planes that used to allow it

Methadone/Suboxone and the opiate pipeline to absurd extremes

Pill mills, the OxyContin Express, and drug-money geopolitics

Touring abroad and Canada: crowds, culture, and Calgary strip-club anthropology

Costa Rica critters and shark reality checks: bull sharks, fishing, and depleted oceans

Freshwater sharks to city animals: parrots, pigeons-as-food, raccoons, and sewer gators

Locust logic, cicada broods, and eating bugs (plus Fear Factor gross-outs)

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