Joe Rogan Experience #2144 - Chris Distefano

Narrator 0:01 (drumming) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

0:04 The Joe Rogan Experience.

0:06 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (instrumental music)

Joe Rogan 0:12 I never know what's going on with you, if this is, like, an act or if this is part of the fun-

Narrator 0:17 N-

Joe Rogan 0:17 ... of being Chrissy D.

Narrator 0:18 I mean, no, well, Chrissy D was all fun and games.

Joe Rogan 0:22 Was?

Narrator 0:23 Was.

Joe Rogan 0:23 Third person.

Narrator 0:24 Now, we're coming into a part we're c- two, two major things have happened here. Okay?

Joe Rogan 0:29 Okay.

Narrator 0:30 One, I've, uh, refound my love for Christ and I'm back believing. I'm back being Catholic.

Joe Rogan 0:36 Okay.

Narrator 0:36 I'm back in-

Joe Rogan 0:37 Nice.

Narrator 0:38 ... got two feet in Catholicism.

Joe Rogan 0:39 Okay.

Narrator 0:40 We're back, baby. And then the other thing is, is I made... I, I, uh, six months ago, I had this beautiful house, Staten Island, right? Everything we wanted, (snaps fingers) sold the house because I was having anxiety about doing a show at Radio City. Swear to God, I, I, my brain couldn't process it that way, but through therapy, the therapist figured out, and it's right because I checked on this with my girlfriend and she was like, "That's exactly what you did." I was very nervous about Radio City, didn't know where to put that energy 'cause it was a big show. I'm a New York guy, big, biggest weekend of my life, uh, so I said, about two weeks before Radio City, came home and said, "We're putting up the house for sale. I wanna be able to walk to a bagel store. We can't walk to a bagel store at this house on Staten Island. I need that for my creative process." And my girl was like, "What are you doing? We just renovated our kitchen, the living... We just, you just poured money into... This is our home." I was like, "I can't walk to a bagel store and my, uh, it's gonna fuck my comedy up. I, I, I- it will."

Joe Rogan 1:39 What?

Narrator 1:40 And, and she... Yeah, and, and then, you know, if... and then people, if you knew my address back then, you would know that there's a ba- there was a bagel store .9 miles away, um, that I didn't know about, but...

Joe Rogan 1:49 (laughs)

Narrator 1:49 (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:51 But... But you had a dream house.

Narrator 1:53 I had a dream house that I, that we put to our liking and I said I couldn't... Didn't understand it then. I said, "We're selling the house." And I convinced my family, 'cause that's what we can do, right, as comics? I convinced them. I had them buy this story. Convinced my girl, my family.

Joe Rogan 2:08 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 2:08 What's gonna be better for us is to sell this five bedroom house. Here's what we're... here's the move. We're gonna sell this five bedroom house for about $300,000 under asking price. We're gonna get out of this puppy. We're gonna sell that. We're gonna move to Queens where we can walk to stuff and bagel stores and be in civilization. We're gonna temporarily live in a two bedroom apartment, um, and, and, and then we're eventually gonna move into a, a condo and life's gonna be better because, uh, you know, we won't have to... I won't have to care for these grounds anymore. I won't have to throw out the garbage. We'll be safe and in an apartment. People can't come in the back window of our home. And this will be the move. And, um, I did that, and then the apartment that we had lined up fell through. Uh, we ha- we left the apartment we were living in 'cause it had roaches. Uh, Jasmine almost left me. She was almost like, "I can't be a part of your chaos and self-sabotage anymore." And I had to kind of really just say, "What the hell did I just do? How, what..." Figure this problem out. Went back into therapy, turned back into religion. Starting to find some answers, and now we're living in a home that we're renting that we like and we're kind of settling in. But that I learned a valuable le- I learned the lesson of self-sabotage the hard way. The hardest, the... It's weird. What's going on in my career right now, selling the most tickets I've ever had, financially the best I've ever done, getting all these opportunities, was the worst vers- was the worst version of me as a human being. Be- not because I was just self-sabotaging after self-sabotaging, and I couldn't, didn't know why.

Joe Rogan 3:41 Do you have friends that you can talk to about this stuff?

Narrator 3:43 Yeah, but they're, you know, not... They call me gay, you know what I mean? Like, they're old school New York guys that are like, "I don't fucking know, dude. Get a therapist." And I'm like, "Well, yeah, I, I, I, I..." What I had to do, what I... I, I really felt like nobody could really help me with this. I was like, "I gotta just turn to a professional therapist." And then I go into... And then I turned to, back to going to church, and I was like, "Well, at least I have, like..." If anything, for me, church is just an hour a week to just meditate and sit there, and I have nothing.

Joe Rogan 4:12 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 4:13 I have no thoughts. I have no technology. I'm like, "It's just me and whoever I think God is."

Joe Rogan 4:18 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 4:18 That, that's how I feel about it. But that chaos stuff, that, you know... 'Cause people always... You know, Chrissy Chaos. But I, I was actually living in it, and I was like, "Okay, now what I've done... Now I've, like, hurt my family. Now I've, now I've done a thing that's, like, not funny. Now I've, like, taken things from my kids." Because I thought my kids would be like, "Oh, yeah, Dad." Like, like, my eight-year-old, we had that, you know, this moment that kids are just kids. I'm, like, telling her, I'm like, "Isn't this great, baby? Like, we can walk to the bagel store now. We can go to the park. We're not, like, living off the side of a highway." And she was like, "Well, I love that we had a pool." And I was like, "Yeah, but isn't it better that we can, you know... don't have a pool now and we can go to, like, the pool club?" And she was like, "You know, no." She was like, honestly. She was like, "We're... did it for you, so I'm happy that you're happy, but I, I miss my friends." And then I was like, "Oh my god. What the fuck did I do?" So, so I kind of have been, like, backtracking as much as I can, little by little, to try to, like, re-correct these mistakes. And now my family is more on board. Now my family's like, "Hey, we're, we're un- we're, we're with you. We're, we, you, you know, we're with you."

Joe Rogan 5:24 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 5:25 "But we gotta figure this out." So now we're, we're settled, finally, in a place, and we're kind of falling in love with the neighborhood we're living in as time has went on. Um, and my kids are finding friends and all that, and we are not gonna t- I'm not gonna take that from them. I'm not gonna, you know, be like, "Well, you know, where, wherever we are now, we're gonna stay for years so they can build the bonds and the friendships that they need that I inadvertently took away from them without me even realizing."

Joe Rogan 5:52 Hmm. So-

Narrator 5:53 Can I have those edibles?

Joe Rogan 5:55 So this, uh, anxiety ramped up when success ramped up.

Narrator 6:00 Yes.

Joe Rogan 6:00 So here, here, I th- sound like a therapist here. But are you... Is it because you're worried it's gonna go away? Is that the anxiety? Like, what is the anxiety? Like-

Narrator 6:09 No.

Joe Rogan 6:10 ... what is the fear?

Narrator 6:11 No, it wasn't any of that. It, it was...... it was, I believe, I have confidence. I believe that I'm in this business, I can do it. And I believe that, like, we're all together now, especially how comedy is now. I feel like we're all like this big brother/sisterhood. Like, we'll help each other. If one of us is falling, like, we, we got each other.

Joe Rogan 6:27 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 6:28 I believe in that. But I think that the actual anxiety of the day of, you know, again, being a New York guy, one night Radio City, the next night, the theater at MSG, all these, for me, a lot of tickets, you know, 10,000 plus tickets, which is, you know, that's huge for me.

Joe Rogan 6:44 Right.

Narrator 6:44 I, I, I, I was like, "How am I gonna balance all this? What if I don't do well? What if, what if, what if one of these 10,000 people realizes that I'm s-... thinks that I'm some kind of fraud, thinks that, like, 'Hey, you don't-'"

Joe Rogan 6:59 Well, one is going to.

Narrator 7:01 Right.

Joe Rogan 7:01 Always.

Narrator 7:02 Right.

Joe Rogan 7:03 There's always people that are gonna find some negative thing in anything.

Narrator 7:06 So now, now, I've gotten to that point to accept that. I'm wildly different, not wildly different, but I'm much better now than I was in September when all this stuff was going on because I've just kind of accepted that I don't really have control of what others think.

Joe Rogan 7:22 Maybe you need a thing other s-... other than just comedy that you do that's not, like, career-oriented, like a hobby, like some-

Narrator 7:31 Right.

Joe Rogan 7:31 ... some kind of other interest that you really enjoy that you could focus on.

Narrator 7:35 So what I did, I'm ge-... I'm-

Joe Rogan 7:37 Trans people, is that what it is? (laughs)

Narrator 7:38 That's... Yes, transfeet. I'm really into twiki feet for specifically trans women. And, um, so, no, what I think is... Well, what I've done 'cause I haven't gone to the hobby yet, what I've done is I've really... I thought I, I was always focused on my kids. Always being a father is everything to me, but I said what you just said. I s-... I said, "I'm gonna really just focus on being a dad, being home, coming off the road a little bit, just, just temporarily doing my thing in New York, keeping my podcast going, keeping my name out there, but not going on this national tour, getting away from that for now." I've shot a special. It's gonna come out at the end of the year. I'm like, "Be home. Be with the kids. Be picking them up. Be at the park with them. Focus on... Like, s-... Give yourself a schedule. I'm a comedian from 9:00 to 5:00, and then we-... or 9:00 to 3:00 when you pick up your... and then when you pick up your kids, just for now, you just be with them." And then... and that's really helped. And now, like last night I was at your club, which is awesome. I was at your club, and that was the first time I was on stage in about six weeks since I shot the special.

Joe Rogan 8:40 Oh, really?

Narrator 8:40 And I felt so... I did some of the same material that I was 'cause I'd been writing, but I was like, "I don't wanna try a brand new thing right here." I did one new thing, but I was like, "Oh, wow." I felt like that little mental experiment helped me, like I was so excited to be on stage again. I've found, like, reconnected. And you, something that you do that I noticed last night, and I was like, "Huh," you, you know, h- how much... There's really n-... uh, there's really nothing more you can do in comedy, right? I mean, you've done everything. You know, the biggest you can get is, is you've achieved, which is beautiful. But I still saw you yesterday obsessing over your hour and thinking about like, "How do I make that joke better?" H-... uh, which is why you've gotten here. And I've had that question in my head yesterday when I got back to the hotel. I was like, "Do I have that? Do I... Is it okay that I don't have it like Joe? Does that mean I'm gonna not be successful? Does that mean I... Does that kind of, uh... Are we all just different?" Because I love comedy, but I was like, "I don't know." Like, I've... I just shot a special and was like, "You know what? I need some time off." Where I don't know that you've ever done that, right? I mean, you've never taken a big break from standup.

Joe Rogan 9:42 Well, I took a big break during COVID.

Narrator 9:44 Right. But-

Joe Rogan 9:44 Yeah.

Narrator 9:44 But other than that, you've always been like-

Joe Rogan 9:46 Yeah.

Narrator 9:47 You have a love and a passion that's... It... You're not worried about... Like, you're never looking at your watch being like, "Is an hour up yet?" You know, when your podcast, you're never being like, "Oh, I gotta get an hour." You just flow. You're just free in the moment, flowing with passion, which is very admirable. And, and I l-... and I look at that sometimes and I question myself where I'm like, "Do I have that?" I know I've been relatively successful in this, and I do love it, but I'm like, "Do I have that?"

Joe Rogan 10:11 I wonder if therapy is not a good thing for a person like you.

Narrator 10:14 Okay, why do you think?

Joe Rogan 10:15 Because-

Narrator 10:16 I've never heard that.

Joe Rogan 10:18 I wonder if, like, obsessing about your problems makes your problems bigger.

Narrator 10:21 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 10:22 And that maybe you just need another thing to focus on that maybe alleviates anxiety, like some kind of a... like a hardcore workout thing.

Narrator 10:29 Okay.

Joe Rogan 10:30 Do you work out?

Narrator 10:31 Yes.

Joe Rogan 10:31 What do you do?

Narrator 10:32 Uh, well, yesterday, yesterday I did hot yoga.

Joe Rogan 10:36 That's great.

Narrator 10:36 Yeah, just because I was like... I was on the plane, wanted to do the hot yoga, dripping sweat.

Joe Rogan 10:40 That's a great thing to do.

Narrator 10:41 It was crazy. And then today, today I did, uh, I ran, uh, two miles, and then I did, um, with 30-pound dumbbells, I did, uh, one burpee, one press 10 times, ramped that up to five. So, you know, went all the way up-

Joe Rogan 10:56 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 10:56 ... to one, two, three, f-... so it was a lot, lot of burpees with that. Then I did farmer's carries, ball slams, thing where I was dripping in sweat. I was trying to do that, started to-

Joe Rogan 11:04 Does that help you?

Narrator 11:05 It does. I always feel, I always feel after a workout great 'cause I was an athlete. I played basketball my entire life to the point where my friends from home are like, "You never mention basketball, and that's the thing you were known as in the neighborhood." Everybody kn-... knew you as basketball. They used to call me Gums 'Cause I have big gums. So they would call me Gums, but they would call me Dirk n-... you know, Little Dirk. Like, basketball was my whole life.

Joe Rogan 11:28 You have big gums?

Narrator 11:29 See how they're, see how they're kind of big?

Joe Rogan 11:31 No, you're doing that. I can do that too.

Narrator 11:32 No, I know, but when I smile, like, they're just... I have gingivitis.

Joe Rogan 11:36 Let me see you smile. No, they seem-

Narrator 11:38 No, they're kinda-

Joe Rogan 11:38 ... pretty fucking normal.

Narrator 11:39 No, they, they, they-

Joe Rogan 11:40 I think you're thinking too much.

Narrator 11:41 Well, they used-

Joe Rogan 11:42 I really do.

Narrator 11:43 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 11:43 Yeah.

Narrator 11:43 I mean, well, no, they used to call me Gums. I mean, I, I, I-

Joe Rogan 11:45 Those people are rude.

Narrator 11:47 I've had the same size head and teeth since I'm seven.

Joe Rogan 11:49 (laughs)

Narrator 11:49 So I've always looked kind of weird.

Joe Rogan 11:51 That's why your head grew into your teeth? (laughs)

Narrator 11:52 (laughs) Yeah, I just was born with this big fat head and big teeth. But, but they, uh... So basketball was an obsession, then physical therapy.

Joe Rogan 12:00 Okay.

Narrator 12:00 Getting my doctorate degree was an obsession.

Joe Rogan 12:02 Right.

Narrator 12:02 And then comedy became an obsession. And I think I have this thing in my head where I know I have to stay in the present, but sometimes I can't help it, where I'm like, "Well, is this your obsession ending now and you're gonna find another obsession?"

Joe Rogan 12:13 Yeah. The... It's the thinking about the negative possibilities-

Narrator 12:17 Right.

Joe Rogan 12:17 ... that are dangerous.

Narrator 12:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 12:19 You know, like, uh, I think Elon put- posted this on Twitter, that, uh, having anxiety is literally like having a conspiracy theory against yourself.

Narrator 12:28 Mm-hmm. Got it. That's pretty- yeah, that's- I can see that.

Joe Rogan 12:31 I- it's kind of, 'cause you're like thinking, "Oh my God, what if this all falls apart?"

Narrator 12:37 Right.

Joe Rogan 12:37 And so you're dwelling on that.

Narrator 12:38 But it's weird th-

Joe Rogan 12:39 But it's not falling apart-

Narrator 12:40 Right, that's the thing, but-

Joe Rogan 12:41 ... which is what I don't understand.

Narrator 12:42 Which is weird because yeah, 'cause I feel confident. I don't feel like-

Joe Rogan 12:45 Right.

Narrator 12:45 I don't feel like, "Help me." I feel like I can- I can figure anything out.

Joe Rogan 12:49 Right.

Narrator 12:49 I'm a- I'm a biological male.

Joe Rogan 12:50 But do you think that maybe the worrying that it's gonna fall apart is what keeps you on track? 'Cause you're like, "Uh, I can't let it fall apart, you know, I have a family. I have a lot of responsibilities."

Narrator 13:02 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 13:02 "I have to- I have to keep killing. I have to keep doing great."

Narrator 13:06 Right. Yeah, uh, it feels th- specifically, yeah. It fe- I feel like if I... I do feel like it's all on me with my family.

Joe Rogan 13:13 It is.

Narrator 13:13 Nobody else in my family works, and I take care of-

Joe Rogan 13:16 Right.

Narrator 13:16 ... multiple family members, which I'm proud to do. I don't feel like that's a burden. I feel like this is great.

Joe Rogan 13:20 Right.

Narrator 13:20 This makes me feel... At times when I feel emasculated, that's something that makes me feel masculine, you know?

Joe Rogan 13:26 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 13:26 When I'm like, "Oh, I don't know how to build anything," and I'm, you know, I got my girlfriend here putting up Sheetrock, and I'm like, "I can build fucking walls emotionally. I don't know how to do anything else other than that."

Joe Rogan 13:35 Ugh.

Narrator 13:35 I'll be like, "You... At least I can... At least I feel like, you know what? I can f- take care of this family, like, you rely on me for that." And I guess there is something in comedy, you know, um, I guess because it's not like a day job, a- a daily paycheck coming in every two weeks, maybe that seeps in. But it's weird because I am very conf- I've always been confident in anything I do, but I've always felt like I... My father would tell me from when I was a little kid, "You control your part. You control the output, not the outcome." He said that to me a million times, "You control your output, not your outcome."

Joe Rogan 14:06 Mm.

Narrator 14:06 "Just control your output, and the outcome is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. I don't care about that. How are you playing?" And so, I feel like I control my output as best I can, but yet- yet then I sit with these thoughts kind of, uh, you know, they- they- they eat at me sometimes, you know?

Joe Rogan 14:23 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 14:24 But... And then maybe it comes out in weird ways where I'm like, "Well, I'll just sell my house," or I'll, you know, I have a great family thing right now, but maybe I'll, you know, maybe I'll fall in love with the actress from Baby Reindeer. I don't know.

Joe Rogan 14:34 Did you ever talk to anybody before you sold your house, like talk to one of your friends?

Narrator 14:38 I was able to convince all of them that it was the right move.

Joe Rogan 14:41 Oh, you couldn't have convinced me. I wish I got on the phone with you.

Narrator 14:42 I know. I wish you... And I ge- got l- got rid of a great mortgage rate. I- I really fucked up. So, but I-

Joe Rogan 14:49 (laughs)

Narrator 14:49 But I take... I mean, I had a three... I was-

Joe Rogan 14:51 That's so silly.

Narrator 14:52 I had- I had like free money from the bank. I really fucked up, and... But I- but I'm aware of that, and I'm kind of saying along these lines, you know, "I really fucked up." I do believe I've learned a lesson. I do believe that I would never do that again, and I do believe it wasn't fatal for us. But I was like, "I really"... Like, I've never been that guy. I would manufacture problems in my brain. I would say, "Oh, you know, this is an issue, but it's minor." It's not. It's self-obsessed, narcissistic, like disgusting, like, "Chris, get over yourself. Self-obsessed bullshit. Get over yourself."

Joe Rogan 15:24 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 15:24 I would- and I would- and I would do that, and then kind of tell myself, like, "You're being gross. Stop, Chris. Like, your family... Y- you have a pain in your big toe. It's not brain cancer. Shut up. And, you know, your family needs you." And then, so, I would- I would do that, but then I actually did give myself a big problem. I had two major problems. I had this s- house sale, and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy, like crazy, crazy, crazy, where I was like, "This is now a nightmare. This has become an issue." So I'm like, now, for the first time in the past nine months, I'm like, "You- you... One self-induced, one not, and you've created... Now, how do you deal with this?"

Joe Rogan 16:04 How do you think you created the problem with your family member acting crazy?

Narrator 16:08 Because I enabled them. I- I'm- I feel a r-

Joe Rogan 16:11 Specifically, how'd you do that?

Narrator 16:13 I feel... Well, because I was giving them, you know, m- money. I was g- I was le- I was not aware that an issue was going on. I was kind of giving th-

Joe Rogan 16:21 Oh, like a drug issue?

Narrator 16:22 Yes, and I was allowing them, you know, like, to- to do things and say things, and I was just like-

Joe Rogan 16:28 Hmm.

Narrator 16:28 ... "This is fun. It's c- hey, it's chaos, baby." And then- and then not realizing like, "Hey man, you're affecting way more... You're gonna be the head of this family, then be the head of this family. They're gonna follow your lead, and your lead right now, no matter how much you tell yourself, 'Oh, I don't do drugs. I don't do drink- I don't drink too much. I'm- I'm, you know, stable.'" You're not, buddy. Like, you have to put your feet down right now and your family's... You know, my- my eight-year-old is... She's old enough now to... Somebody will... You know, somebody in her class will be like, "Oh, your dad's the comic. He's pretty filthy." Right? So m- my daughter's now is at an age where she's g- you know, I've never mentioned them. My- I- nobody knows what they look like. I'm not that. But- but I'm like, "Oh, there's responsibilities now. There's- there's repercussions for things we're doing now." My kids, they're not little anymore. My 13-year-old, I have 13, eight, and two. My two-year-old's obviously a baby, but 13 and eight? You're gonna have to now really, really, really get your shit together. And I think that was scary because nobody really in my family, no male figures at least, even though my father's a great man, nobody really got their shit together, right? I was like, I'm the only one who went to college. I'm the only one who pursued anything. I'm the only one who's ever even owned a home, you know? So- so even though I sold it immediately (laughs) I- I... So-

Joe Rogan 17:41 How long did you have it for?

Narrator 17:42 About two years (laughs) . And I sold it for way under... My neighbor, who I didn't consult with, was like, "Why... If you wanted to move, fine." Again, it's Staten Island, it's not for everybody, even though I love Staten Island.

Joe Rogan 17:54 But you ruined the property values.

Narrator 17:55 He was like, "Yes." He was like, "What the fuck?" And he was like, "You sold it. Who the fuck did you sell this to? And you sold it for hundreds of thousands of dollars less than it was worth." And-

Joe Rogan 18:05 Why did you do that?

Narrator 18:06 Because I just wanted to get out. I just wanted to move.

Joe Rogan 18:08 So you just accepted the first offer?

Narrator 18:10 Yes. I just needed action. My father was a- is a, like... His marriage with my mother got ruined because he was a hardcore gambler, hardcore Gamblers Anonymous, ru- like...

Joe Rogan 18:21 That's a scary disease.

Narrator 18:22 Yes. Gambler, gamble g- And my father told me, you know, even before I started doing this, my father was always like...... y- y- do not gamble, okay? If I ever see you learning card tricks, if I ever see you knowing what gambling on sports, any of that, you're really gonna upset me. And like, this is the only demand I have of you, is do not gamble. And what I believe has happened is I don't gamble. I don't even know what the point spreads and the VIGs. And I don't know what any of that means 'cause my fa- and card games, you could put cards in front of me, I have no idea what's happening. People talk about, you know, um, parlay bets. I have no idea what's happening. I don't know what ... It's a foreign language to me because of ... I was like, "I'm gonna do that." But what I've realized now is, well, of course, I'm gambling still, I'm just not playing card games and betting.

Joe Rogan 19:10 Right. You're just taking risks with your life. You're moving-

Narrator 19:11 I might be taking bigger risks with my life-

Joe Rogan 19:14 Right.

Narrator 19:14 ... than he could because now I'm, you know, he's, was gamble... Yes, he lost his marriage to my mom, which sucks, but you know, whatever. He gambled, you know. Uh, he, you know, some guys wanted to kill him 'cause he owed money. He got it taken care of and then he went to Gamblers Anonymous and at least he was like, "Well, I have this disease and I don't do it anymore." And I respect my dad for that. He got out of the, he got out of it. But I'm like, man, I was going down this path where like, how many more decisions was I, was I gonna make? How many more times was I gonna gamble? Because I was like, I didn't realize and this, th- this last nine months, I was like, "Wow, dude. You really fucking are looking it in the face now." Like these decisions, I mean, dude, when your eight-year-old is looks at you like, "What the fuck did you do?"

Joe Rogan 19:57 Right.

Narrator 19:58 That's all, you know. Your mom and dad can tell you shit. Even your wife and girlfriend can tell you shit, which I all love and respect, but when your daughter is like, "What did you do?"

Joe Rogan 20:05 Yeah.

Narrator 20:05 "Why did you do this to us?"

Joe Rogan 20:06 Right.

Narrator 20:07 You kinda have this major wake up call where it was like, (exhales) .

Joe Rogan 20:10 Yeah, when I moved here, I was very lucky that my kids wanted to move here.

Narrator 20:13 Right. Right.

Joe Rogan 20:14 And it was lucky during the time that we moved, there was a real clear reason 'cause LA-

Narrator 20:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 20:18 ... was fucked.

Narrator 20:19 Right.

Joe Rogan 20:20 But ... And they love it here, so I'm happy. But if they didn't, I'd, I'd feel fucking terrible and if I had sold the house like that.

Narrator 20:26 Yep.

Joe Rogan 20:27 Especially if there's a real bagel store .9 miles away.

Narrator 20:31 .9 miles away. Shout out Manor Bagels on Staten Isl-

Joe Rogan 20:32 (laughs)

Narrator 20:32 They had excellent bagels.

Joe Rogan 20:34 (laughs)

Narrator 20:35 Shout them out.

Joe Rogan 20:36 He just didn't know?

Narrator 20:37 Yeah (laughs) he didn't know until I sold it.

Joe Rogan 20:39 Maybe you can buy back into the neighborhood.

Narrator 20:40 I know. Well, that's funny. My girl was like, "Do you think we can contact the people who bought our home-"

Joe Rogan 20:44 And buy it back?

Narrator 20:45 ... and buy it back even though it's twice the mortgage rate and you'll have to pay more money? Like, it would make us happy." And I reached out to him and he was like, "No." He can't do it. And it's funny, I sold it to ... You know, Staten Island's like a funny, it's ... The people in Staten Island are great. They really, really are. But like, when we first got there, you know, it's like an old school ... If you don't know Staten Island, it's like an old school New York City neighborhood. It's like the only borough that is like, you know, kind of like more Republican than anything. Like, they are like freedom, like American flag-

Joe Rogan 21:13 Uh-huh.

Narrator 21:13 You will see American flags everywhere-

Joe Rogan 21:15 Yep.

Narrator 21:15 ... on Staten Island. And, um-

Joe Rogan 21:17 And Wu-Tang Clan.

Narrator 21:18 And Wu-Tang Clan, right? Wu-Tang is on one part, but you know, it's-

Joe Rogan 21:22 Staten Island.

Narrator 21:23 Staten Island, baby. And, uh, and, and so, they, you know, their ... Like, when I moved in, you know, I come in here, it's me, you know, uh, like, you know, I'm Italian, whatever, but then my whole family's Puerto Rican. And my neighbors, for like the first two weeks, just 'cause I didn't know, I told my neighbors that my wife was Italian, that my girl was Ital-

Joe Rogan 21:41 Ugh.

Narrator 21:41 ... not Puerto Rican.

Joe Rogan 21:42 (laughs) You lied.

Narrator 21:42 I swear to God, I told them they're Puerto Rican. And then, and then my neighbor, who's a great guy, he's a doctor, he finally came over to me once and he goes, "You know we know she's Puerto Rican."

Joe Rogan 21:52 (laughs)

Narrator 21:54 He said, "Chrissy, it's no issue."

Joe Rogan 21:56 Why did you lie? That's so crazy.

Narrator 21:57 'Cause I thought that that's what I was supposed to do.

Joe Rogan 22:00 Ugh.

Narrator 22:00 And then, and then I sold the house. And again, it's not ... You know, I sold the house to a Palestinian family, which whatever, right? Who c- ... They were-

Joe Rogan 22:09 Do they have Palestinian flags now?

Narrator 22:11 They're very ... Yes. They are very n- they're very nice people, but I sold them it. Now, you know, they're proud of their country. And then, you know, I sold them before this whole shit started popping off.

Joe Rogan 22:19 Oh, boy.

Narrator 22:19 So now, my- that same neighbor's like, "Way to fucking go." And he'll send me pictures and then ... It's funny 'cause like, they have a, you know, a flag outside and my, now my neighbor got a American flag twice as big as theirs just fucking stamped in that.

Joe Rogan 22:33 Oh, nice.

Narrator 22:33 So I'm like, so now I've caused a, a, a mini-

Joe Rogan 22:36 Community conflict.

Narrator 22:37 ... a community conflict.

Joe Rogan 22:37 Why don't you just offer them more money, the Palestinians? Maybe they're uncomfortable there.

Narrator 22:41 No. Well, so actually what has happened is when I contacted them is they, they have like multiple family members living in there now.

Joe Rogan 22:49 Oh.

Narrator 22:49 Like, they have like ... So they're like, "We can't... This is our house, like we have to stay, like we..." They have a baby.

Joe Rogan 22:54 Oh.

Narrator 22:54 They have a whole...

Joe Rogan 22:55 Yeah.

Narrator 22:55 So, and I, I fucked up, um, but I do feel, I do feel that, um, we ... I'm confident we can ... We are getting out of it and I'm, I'm confident in my abilities.

Joe Rogan 23:07 Are you gonna go back to Staten Island?

Narrator 23:08 I- I have been looking at houses on Staten Island, yes.

Joe Rogan 23:11 (laughs)

Narrator 23:12 I have. And we actually, we w- we put an offer in on one last week.

Joe Rogan 23:15 You're a fun mess.

Narrator 23:17 Thank you.

Joe Rogan 23:17 It's a fun mess 'cause it's not the worst kind of mess. Like-

Narrator 23:20 No.

Joe Rogan 23:20 ... i- i- if you were a gambling addict, that's a scary mess.

Narrator 23:23 Or drugs.

Joe Rogan 23:24 Drugs is a scary mess.

Narrator 23:25 Yes.

Joe Rogan 23:25 Yeah.

Narrator 23:25 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:25 Those are scary ones because those, they slip, people slip away and then they find their self at OTB and they're fucking-

Narrator 23:31 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:31 ... betting money they don't have and they just, they get that rush.

Narrator 23:35 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:35 And when you see people that get that gambler's rush-

Narrator 23:37 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 23:37 ... it's just like a drug addict, like their eyes gloss over, like they just need that fix. They need that bet. You've seen Uncut Gems, right?

Narrator 23:44 Sure.

Joe Rogan 23:45 Oh.

Narrator 23:45 It's a, uh, phenomenal-

Joe Rogan 23:46 Just to give you anxiety? (laughs)

Narrator 23:47 Oh, yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:47 (laughs) That movie's so good.

Narrator 23:49 So nuts. Well, that's ... When I watched that with my dad, my dad was like-

Joe Rogan 23:52 Yeah.

Narrator 23:52 "This is what life was like."

Joe Rogan 23:53 Yeah.

Narrator 23:53 "This is, this is what it was for me."

Joe Rogan 23:55 I, I knew so many people like that in the pool hall-

Narrator 23:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 23:58 ... that were like that. Just, uh, it's a wild thing to watch 'cause you realize like, oh, it's a drug. You're getting a drug. You're getting, uh, this weird anxiety fix-

Narrator 24:06 Right.

Joe Rogan 24:06 ... this dopamine fix, whatever it is from gambling.

Narrator 24:09 Yeah, and my father, like inadvertently like, 'cause you know, my fa- uh, loves me, you know, uh, l- loves me, like, a good pheno- nominal father, right? They divorced when I was one, you know. My mom ... My dad lived on Staten Island, my mom all the way in Queens, y- you know, if you're not ... That's like a two-hour commute. He couldn't, he didn't have a car. He was taking the ferry and trains and d- never missed one visitation with me. He was at all my games.But even in the throws of the addiction, like, he would take me to the OTB racetrack, and I, I loved it. He was like, "We're gonna watch the horsies, Chrissy. You have a Yoo-hoo."

Joe Rogan 24:37 Right. Right.

Narrator 24:37 "We'll have fun." But-

Joe Rogan 24:38 Yeah.

Narrator 24:39 ... you know, he would always tell me, you know, you could leave my mother's house, right, where, where, where she still lives, and you could go to the right was church and to the left was the OTB racetrack, but it kind of... The church was, like, at a top of a triangle, so you could go either way-

Joe Rogan 24:54 Mm. Mm.

Narrator 24:54 ... and get to the church. And my fa- my father told me... He'd always be like, "You know, when you're going to church with your mother, though, you always go to the right. Okay? You don't walk to the left. Never walk past that OTB with your mother to the right." Because he knew that the dirtbags who hung out outside there knew me.

Joe Rogan 25:08 Ugh.

Narrator 25:08 And, and so one day we walked that way, and they all started going nuts. They're like, "There he is, Chrissy. Good luck, chon. There he is. There he is." And my mother was like, "How do you know those men? How do you know those men, honey?" And I was like, "You know, d- my... You know, sometimes Dad walks with me past that way." And then she was like, "You tell me right now, is he taking you into that OTB racetrack?" And then I, like, didn't know, like, what the fuck to do. I was... I had that moment, like, do I side with my mom (laughs) or d- side with my dad? And that was... I remember, like, first time feeling, like, anxiety. But, you know, I... one thing about... I just kind of always sided with my dad. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 25:39 (laughs)

Narrator 25:39 So I was like, "No." I was like, "I've ne- I've never been in there. I don't know how those guys know me." But then, of course, she found out and, you know, I got in big trouble.

Joe Rogan 25:46 Ugh (laughs) .

Narrator 25:48 But, but it's what it is.

Joe Rogan 25:51 Goddamn, man.

Narrator 25:52 Dude, by the way, I love Austin, uh, so much. I really do. I've n- I got into the car today, um, you know, the, the... You sent a car for me to come here. I appreciate. I get in the car, you know, real nice suit-and-tie driver, and then he stepped in dog shit as soon as he got into the car. Uh, he's walking and I see him go, "Oh, fuck." And then he steps in dog shit, and he's just driving in the car, and it smell- the entire car smells like dog shit.

Joe Rogan 26:17 (laughs)

Narrator 26:17 And I said, "Sir, did you step in dog shit?" And he said, "Yeah, I did." And I was like, "Uh, okay." He was like, "You want me to take my shoes off? I can throw them out right here." And I was like, "You'll drive this car barefoot?" He goes, "Absolutely."

Joe Rogan 26:29 (laughs)

Narrator 26:30 (laughs) And I was like, "No, dude, it's okay." I was like, "You're willing to drive this car barefoot?" He goes, "You're my customer. I'll drive barefoot for you." And I was like, "Dude, I fucking love it." And then he's waiting for me here, and I was like, "What are you gonna do, man?" He was like, "I'm gonna find a paper towel, and I'm gonna wipe down these shoes. You better be- you better believe it ain't gonna smell like shit in here when you come back."

Joe Rogan 26:50 (laughs)

Narrator 26:50 I was like, "Good for you, dude. Thank you." But full dog shit.

Joe Rogan 26:55 Yeah.

Narrator 26:55 Good people out here.

Joe Rogan 26:56 They're good people out here.

Narrator 26:57 Have you met...?

Joe Rogan 26:58 'Cause-

Narrator 26:58 You... I mean, there's nut jobs everywhere though, right?

Joe Rogan 27:00 Oh, sure.

Narrator 27:01 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:01 Yeah. You... There's a lot of, lots of crazy people here.

Narrator 27:03 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 27:03 There's crazy people whenever you have a large population. There's two million people in this area.

Narrator 27:07 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 27:08 But that's not that much.

Narrator 27:09 No. No.

Joe Rogan 27:10 That's, that's what's good about it. It's like people aren't a burden.

Narrator 27:14 Yes, 'cause you have the space.

Joe Rogan 27:16 Yeah. If you live in New York City or if you live in LA, people become a burden, because there's so many of them, you don't appreciate them.

Narrator 27:23 See, the thing with New York... I agree. And New York now, it never felt that way, I've... you know, my whole life there. But recently, New York has become a place... Still great, still my s- home city, but the problems that you would always hear about, like, you know, people would say, "Oh, it's conspiracy," or like, "You're, you're watching that shit on the news." Now you're actually seeing it. Okay? So for, you know, 39 years, I never had one altercation, not one altercation on the subway or in the streets with any kind of mentally unwell person in New York. There's a lot of crazy people, but, like, they not really fucking with you.

Joe Rogan 28:00 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 28:00 Three times in the past year, three times in the past year, I've been physically a- assaulted or, like, o- c- had to defend myself against a, f- a, a ho- a, a mentally deranged homeless person.

Joe Rogan 28:12 Mm.

Narrator 28:12 One time I was walking to the Comedy Cellar. Some guy came at me and, like, just put his elbow in my chest, and I had to push him, and he fell over a pile of garbage. I just had to push him as hard as I can, where I'm like, "I never dealt with that." And now you're starting to hear people who, like, would always kind of, you know, never ever ever even think about, like, voting any other way but the traditional New York way are like, "I have to now vote another way, because it's not safe for me anymore anymore."

Joe Rogan 28:37 Right.

Narrator 28:37 There's, there's crime. And the, and the cops, I feel bad, man. The cops... If I was NY- Um, a lot of my friends are NYPD. They're like, "Dude, we wanna, we wanna fucking police. Th- Uh, we can't." I can't do anything. My boy was telling me a story. He's like, "We were outside the projects," right? He goes, "And we see this drug dealer selling drugs," right? "We see him, he's selling drugs, and we know he's right there selling drugs. We arrest him. Out right away. Out." He goes, then he... "Then we saw him selling drugs to a, what we... looked like a 10-year-old kid. So we arrest him. We arrest this kid. We w-... Seeing a 10-year-old, a child walk with a bag of drugs. Arrest him, back out." He goes, "So a- what do you want me to fucking do then?"

Joe Rogan 29:17 Right.

Narrator 29:17 "I, I, I, I, I can't keep doing this 'cause-"

Joe Rogan 29:19 Why do you think they're doing that? Living in New York City, why do you think they're letting people out, like, right away?

Narrator 29:23 Uh-

Joe Rogan 29:23 There's no cash bail, right?

Narrator 29:25 Right. I was told that's... By my police friends, I was told that's what it is. It's, it's that law is the big thing, is, like, this bail law to get out, he said, which doesn't help anyone, because I, I-

Joe Rogan 29:35 Why, why was it made?

Narrator 29:38 I don't know. I honestly don't know. It's not, it's not well-received though. Nobody really... You're gonna... In, in New York now, even, even the people who were wearing, like, 40 masks during COVID are like, "I don't want my c- my city's, like, being destroyed now." So now, I don't know if that changes in an election, if people will vote what they... I don't know. But I'm like, I see it now for the first time ever. I'm, like, fully seeing people injecting heroin, fucking cr-... It's wild.

Joe Rogan 30:05 Whew.

Narrator 30:05 Even my father, who's like, "I grew up in New Y-" You know, my father's like, "I remember New York in the '70s and '80s," which was, like, nuts. Like, you know, i- i- it was like you would get assaulted. Everybody had AIDS. He was like, "You know, this is scarier New York."

Joe Rogan 30:17 Wow.

Narrator 30:17 "I'm more scared of this New York." 'Cause you don't... He said, "In, in the old New York, you knew which neighborhoods. Don't go in that neighborhood, and then you're okay. But this New York, I don't know where that shit's coming from. It's gonna pop out of anywhere at any time." And you'll have people that will hear this and be like, "You're, you know, you're exaggerating. It's not true." I'm telling you, it's true. I wouldn't-

Joe Rogan 30:36 They just haven't run into it yet.

Narrator 30:37 I'm telling you, dude, it's true. And when you are friends with the police, you know the cops-... there. It's true.

Joe Rogan 30:44 Well, when you saw those illegal immigrants that came here, that, uh, attacked the police officer-

Narrator 30:48 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 30:48 ... and they were out of jail the next day-

Narrator 30:50 Come on, man.

Joe Rogan 30:50 ... flashing the bird at the cameras-

Narrator 30:53 Yeah. Yep.

Joe Rogan 30:53 ... like, that's crazy. You got someone who illegally enters from another country, assaults a police officer, and they're right back out in the street.

Narrator 30:59 Well, and by the way, nobody, like, any race or religion doesn't want that in New York.

Joe Rogan 31:04 Right.

Narrator 31:04 Like, no- nobody wants that.

Joe Rogan 31:06 Nobody wants that.

Narrator 31:06 Like, that's not a thing.

Joe Rogan 31:07 No.

Narrator 31:07 That's like, "Oh, that..." Nobody wants that at all. So, like, w- I don't know what it's gonna take to change. I mean, I will tell you that, like, a lot of New Yorkers blame it on Mayor Bloomberg. Like, he's the most hated- ex-Mayor Bloomberg, he's the most hated person.

Joe Rogan 31:21 Really? More so than the last guy? Than de Blasio?

Narrator 31:24 I'm sorry. De Blasio is what I meant to say. I'm sorry.

Joe Rogan 31:25 Yeah.

Narrator 31:25 Not Bloomberg, de Blasio is what I meant to say. I'm sorry.

Joe Rogan 31:28 Right.

Narrator 31:28 Mayor de Blasio is, is hated like... He's hated more than Satan. Like, people des- I was at a gym once in Park Slope, Brooklyn. He was on the elliptical, and he has a security guard standing by him. He was the acting mayor, and I mean, people were just fucking trashing him as they walked by. Just, I mean, outwardly trashing him because nobody gives a shit. We were like, "You s-" There, there's the one guy who was like, "You fucking suck. And by the way, that's a girl's machine." (laughs) "That's a girl's-"

Joe Rogan 31:53 The elliptical's a girl's machine?

Narrator 31:54 That's what they said. And I was like, "It's not."

Joe Rogan 31:56 Nobody's ever said that to me.

Narrator 31:57 Yeah. They said it's a girl's-

Joe Rogan 31:58 I use elliptical machines.

Narrator 31:59 I mean, dude, the, uh, they wouldn't say it to you.

Joe Rogan 32:01 Oh, that'll work out.

Narrator 32:01 But he said, they said it was a girl's machine.

Joe Rogan 32:03 Oh, that's- (laughs)

Narrator 32:03 And, um, and I, and, and I saw one of the security guards go like this. (laughs) He did, did that little-

Joe Rogan 32:08 (laughs)

Narrator 32:08 ... did that little laugh. And then, but people hate him, and they blame a lot of what's happened in New York on him.

Joe Rogan 32:14 Well, he was definitely a fool.

Narrator 32:16 Sure.

Joe Rogan 32:16 He was a weird fool. First of all, that's not his real name, right?

Narrator 32:19 No.

Joe Rogan 32:19 He's not Italian. De Blasio's not his real name. His is, it's like some sort of a German name. What's de Blasio's real name?

Narrator 32:24 It's like Wilhelm, I think, is it?

Joe Rogan 32:26 Yeah, something very, like, Nazi.

Narrator 32:27 Vilhelm Wilhelm.

Joe Rogan 32:28 What, Vilhelm.

Narrator 32:29 Vilhelm.

Joe Rogan 32:29 Well, what's really crazy is that video where, uh, he was doing that thing trying to get people to get vaccinated, and then, like, you get a free burger. So, he's eating a burger.

Narrator 32:38 (laughs) Like, "Do, does fries come with this?"

Joe Rogan 32:40 Uh, he's, uh-

Narrator 32:41 Yeah, he's, yeah.

Joe Rogan 32:41 Warren Wilhelm Jr. Yeah.

Narrator 32:44 Yeah. And he just divorced his wife, um, and, uh, which she also stole, they said, like, $80 million or something like that-

Joe Rogan 32:52 Whoopsies.

Narrator 32:52 ... went missing.

Joe Rogan 32:53 Yeah.

Narrator 32:53 That's gone. So, they hate, they, they hated her. Now, they're divorced. Um, it's, uh-

Joe Rogan 32:59 (laughs)

Narrator 32:59 ... it's one of those things, though, where I just gotta stay there. It's just home. You know, if I wasn't-

Joe Rogan 33:04 You have to?

Narrator 33:04 Yeah, well, especially after what I told you I just did, I can't now uproot the family to Austin. As much as I want-

Joe Rogan 33:09 What, are you thinking about it?

Narrator 33:10 Yeah, well, when I come here, I'm like-

Joe Rogan 33:12 Are you renting right now?

Narrator 33:13 We're renting right now. I can't take my kid out of school, though, again. I can't do it till my-

Joe Rogan 33:17 Well, school's almost over.

Narrator 33:18 I... Yeah, but my, my-

Joe Rogan 33:20 (laughs)

Narrator 33:20 My kids at once you're... You're now, you're making me think about it.

Joe Rogan 33:23 (laughs)

Narrator 33:23 Give me an edible.

Joe Rogan 33:23 Don't do it.

Narrator 33:24 Okay.

Joe Rogan 33:24 Don't do it. But-

Narrator 33:25 This is only 10? 'Cause five puts me on my ass.

Joe Rogan 33:28 This is only 10. No, this is only 10.

Narrator 33:28 Should I eat half or eat the whole thing?

Joe Rogan 33:30 Uh, 10, you'll be fine.

Narrator 33:32 Are you positive?

Joe Rogan 33:33 No.

Narrator 33:33 Okay.

Joe Rogan 33:34 I'm not positive on anything about you.

Narrator 33:36 Thank you. Um...

Joe Rogan 33:37 Other than you like trans girls' feet. Yeah, I'm pretty positive about that. I don't think you'd lie.

Narrator 33:42 I wouldn't lie. That's the one thing about me.

Joe Rogan 33:44 (laughs)

Narrator 33:45 I would, I make shit up, I exaggerate shit, a lot of my comedy stories and stuff, exaggerate it.

Joe Rogan 33:49 Right.

Narrator 33:49 When it comes to shit like that, I won't lie.

Joe Rogan 33:51 Yeah.

Narrator 33:51 I'll tell you the truth.

Joe Rogan 33:52 No, I believe you. Um, it, this is a good place to live, but I don't think you should uproot your family again.

Narrator 33:59 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 33:59 Unless you can convince them, once they come here and they really like it.

Narrator 34:02 Well, Jasmine, my girl, has told me, "You, you can move us again in five years." Okay? Five years.

Joe Rogan 34:09 That's not a good time to move them.

Narrator 34:11 Well-

Joe Rogan 34:12 No, that's a bad time.

Narrator 34:13 Well, why? Becau- Well, she's saying-

Joe Rogan 34:14 To the age.

Narrator 34:15 ... your, a, a 13-year-old will be through high school.

Joe Rogan 34:17 Yeah.

Narrator 34:17 The e-

Joe Rogan 34:17 But then the other one...

Narrator 34:18 Eight-year-old will be going into high school, so she-

Joe Rogan 34:20 Yeah, you don't wanna move them, like, at high school.

Narrator 34:23 You don't think moving them in eighth grade?

Joe Rogan 34:25 I think before, uh, just this is my personal opinion. You m- I might be wrong. For whoever is listening to this that's about to move their kid. 'Cause listen, I moved, my family moved me to Newton, Massachusetts from Jamaica Plain for my first year of high school, and it was actually good.

Narrator 34:38 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 34:38 It was good 'cause Jamaica Plain was fucking sketchy. Jamaica Plain, which is, uh, nice now. It's like they've done, uh, you know, as Boston expanded, like, they sort of, like, made, they renovated a lot of places-

Narrator 34:49 Sure.

Joe Rogan 34:50 ... and added m- Jamaica Plain is a, like, a much more calm neighborhood. When I was there in the 1970s, it was sketchy as fuck.

Narrator 34:57 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 34:57 It was sketchy. It was like, we, I think we moved there in '78 or '79. It was fucking weird, you know? It was danger- I had dangerous neighbors. These kids are d- they're already having sex. Like, I was 11 and they were like-

Narrator 35:10 Jesus.

Joe Rogan 35:10 I remember this kid was telling me, like, "You don't even know how your dick goes in a pussy. You probably think it goes in straight." I'm like, "It doesn't?"

Narrator 35:17 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 35:17 He's like, "No, it goes up." I go, "It goes up? What?"

Narrator 35:21 Uh.

Joe Rogan 35:21 I thought... You know, I've never seen, like, a girl's vi- no, no girls had ever shown me their vagina when I was 11.

Narrator 35:26 No.

Joe Rogan 35:26 But they, they were trying to explain to me that it's, like, in fr- I guess I wasn't, I guess I wasn't 11. I guess I was 13.

Narrator 35:34 Okay.

Joe Rogan 35:34 So, it was like, we only lived in Jamaica Plain for a year and a half. Yeah, I think it was ab- I think we moved there before school, and then we went through the summer, and then we went, I went to s- school was sketchy. So, this is where I went to eighth grade. I went to this, like, public school in Jamaica Plain. We didn't have any money. We lived in... It was a shitty area. But the kids were like 17 in the eighth grade, and they would show up for the first days of class and then quit. And it was just like they were just... They had dropped out so many times, and here they were, the age where they should be graduating, and they're not even in high school yet.

Narrator 36:13 Wow.

Joe Rogan 36:14 It was weird. It-

Narrator 36:15 Is that, you think, got you into martial arts then? Did you feel like you had to defend yourself in some ways?

Joe Rogan 36:19 Well, I definitely was, I felt super vulnerable, but I didn't get into martial arts until, till the next year. But it was, um...

Narrator 36:25 What'd you do? Did you lose your virginity first or you got into martial arts first?

Joe Rogan 36:28 Martial arts.

Narrator 36:29 Nice.

Joe Rogan 36:29 Yeah. Actual sex-sex. I mean, I'd been, uh-... fondled by a lady. She was 21.

Narrator 36:35 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 36:35 And I was 13. That was a lot of fun.

Narrator 36:37 That's interesting.

Joe Rogan 36:37 She was very pretty.

Narrator 36:38 Yeah, believe it.

Joe Rogan 36:38 Um, but eh, nothing hardcore serious, not like sex-sex, until I was like 16.

Narrator 36:43 16? I was 17.

Joe Rogan 36:44 15? 15? I guess I was almost 16.

Narrator 36:46 First time I ever had sex, went raw dog, didn't pull out.

Joe Rogan 36:49 Ooh.

Narrator 36:49 Yep.

Joe Rogan 36:49 Jesus. First time?

Narrator 36:50 I went in... I didn't know what to.

Joe Rogan 36:52 Oh my goodness.

Narrator 36:52 First time-

Joe Rogan 36:53 Nobody talked to you?

Narrator 36:54 No. Very Catholic family, wouldn't speak to me about these things.

Joe Rogan 36:57 Raw dog, not pulling out, but-

Narrator 36:58 Not pull out.

Joe Rogan 36:59 E- everyone's so fertile at that age. Oh my God.

Narrator 37:00 Dude, and she was half Jamaican, half Italian.

Joe Rogan 37:03 Oh, boy.

Narrator 37:03 Very pre- beautiful-

Joe Rogan 37:04 Super fertile.

Narrator 37:05 Beautiful girl. We actually were on the same basketball team.

Joe Rogan 37:07 Whoa.

Narrator 37:07 We were playing basketball together and she had already had sex and I was a virgin and we-

Joe Rogan 37:12 Ooh.

Narrator 37:12 ... had this sex and... unprotected, and I'll never forget, she was, you know, had, she put like a do-rag on. She had done this before.

Joe Rogan 37:20 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 37:20 My mom wasn't home.

Joe Rogan 37:21 Right.

Narrator 37:21 She put this do-rag on.

Joe Rogan 37:23 She was ready to go.

Narrator 37:23 She was ready to go, and then she, you know, I couldn't really, I was so nervous I could barely get an erection. I just couldn't.

Joe Rogan 37:28 Right? (laughs)

Narrator 37:28 It was like impossible, and then finally got it in-

Joe Rogan 37:31 Yeah.

Narrator 37:31 ... and then I finally got it up and it was, she wrote... Dude, two pumps, blew it. She was like, "Did you just come inside me?"

Joe Rogan 37:37 Closeas.

Narrator 37:37 I was like, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And then I had this emotional swing where I immediately st- I started hysterical crying, the very first time I had sex. It was the weirdest thing, I can't explain it. Hysterical crying to the point where she, you know, comforted me and then, within two weeks, broke up. She was done-

Joe Rogan 37:54 Of course. She probably waited two weeks.

Narrator 37:57 I couldn't-

Joe Rogan 37:57 She was holding her breath.

Narrator 37:58 Yeah, and I don't know, my therapist can't tell me why that happened. He's like, "That's a rarity." I- I- I can't tell you, man. You're an emotional guy.

Joe Rogan 38:04 Well, I don't think you should dwell on it.

Narrator 38:04 No.

Joe Rogan 38:04 You were fucking 14 years old. But it's anxiety.

Narrator 38:08 Hm.

Joe Rogan 38:08 It's anxiety. It's the thinking about a thing, and a thing happens, and you're just overwhelmed and you don't know how to handle it, so you just cry.

Narrator 38:14 Anxiety for me is this interesting thing. I know a lot of people suffer from it, but it's this interesting thing where I've connected now a-... I used to m- lean into my anxiety, right? I used to... especially doing comedy-

Joe Rogan 38:25 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 38:25 ... I would like make it a thing, whatever. I, uh, Pandora's box of anxiety opened up for me on, um, 9/11 'cause I thought my mom was dead, this whole thing, so I c- I couldn't shake that feeling for y- 10 years after that. I could not shake the feeling of thinking my mom or anyone I loved, any woman that I loved, girlfriend or mom or aunt, if they did not respond to me within five minutes of a text, I assumed they were dead. That feeling of 9/11 every day came back 'cause I was calling my mom, no response, no response. Every day, coming back, coming back. And so, I would deal with that, and then something happened where this an- I started to look at my anxiety like, like narcissism and like disgusted with myself to the point where... 'Cause I used to put out these videos, Anxiety Tuesday, talk about my anxiety and people were still sometimes be like, "Oh, that Anxiety Tuesday stuff, it helped me so much. Why don't you do it anymore?" And I'm like, "I hate that, I h- I hate that guy. That guy was so pitiful," like because you were being worried about things that really didn't matter. What I should have done and what I know now is, dealt with that anxiety in a healthier way, so instead of subconsciously, you know, selling my house because I was really nervous about a big show, would've been able to deal with that anxiety in a healthier way and make a better decision. So, I think like this relationship with anxiety is so like big and swings in my life that I used to kind of let... I'm trying to use the energy now to be like, "Well how can you learn from this? How does this build you up? And how do you make better decisions, you know, by- by doing this?" So, I- I struggle with that.

Joe Rogan 39:55 Do you have friends that you grew up with that also had anxiety too?

Narrator 39:58 No. Anxiety wasn't a thing that you could speak about in my neighborhood. It's, uh-

Joe Rogan 40:02 So, this was only like you on your own developed this?

Narrator 40:05 100%. And then it, and then, like I remember, I, my anxiety was so bad, I played college basketball and I would, I would text my girlfriend at the time to make sure she got home from s- uh, work, or, you know, whatever, what she was doing. And if she didn't text b-... I remember there was this one game, we were playing Brooklyn College, which was like a big rival, we needed to beat them. I was, I was, you know, one of the best players on the team. I, I remember I would, um... she wasn't texting me back. I s- foolishly texted her before the game, like when we were in the locker room, and then thinking, "Okay, we're gonna go in for warmups." 20 minutes later, I would have to leave my phone in another room 'cause the anxiety of like, "Is the phone ringing or not?" I couldn't handle it. So I, if I texted her and then I went and did something else for 20 minutes, I would say, "At the end of this 20 minutes, she's gonna have a text, she's home, and you can relax." Right? Even though it was f- pure daylight, in New York, like she was always gonna be okay, but my brain convinced me otherwise. So, one day, she's not texting back, and now the game has begun. So I'm playing this game like, "I- I can't even feel my body, like I am paralyzed, p- truly. I cannot feel my body. My mouth is numb. I'm having like a full panic attack, but I am the lead player on a college basketball game that we need to win."

Joe Rogan 41:25 Oh my God.

Narrator 41:25 So, so I don't know like what the fuck to do. So, I call a timeout. I call a timeout, overrule my coach, I'm like, "Timeout, coach. I just need a breather." Okay. I, I say, uh, "I'm just gonna go back into the training room, I just wanna tape my ankle." Which is normal, okay? I come back out, sh- I, j- 'cause I wanted to look at my phone.

Joe Rogan 41:43 Yeah.

Narrator 41:44 I look at the phone, still no message. Still nothing. You know, t- turns out it was just a, a delay on the train and she, whatever, she's a 21-year-old girl, she's not looking at her phone all the time.

Joe Rogan 41:52 Right.

Narrator 41:52 And I come back and I have the phone stuffed in my pants.

Joe Rogan 41:57 Oh my God.

Narrator 41:57 I stuffed it in my like tidy shorts and I played the game with the cell phone stuffed in my pants because I said, "The only way I'm gonna be able to do this is somehow, s- y- when nobody's looking, even though it's a packed college crowd, pull out this phone and make sure that she texts me or else I can't play. I'm gonna be paralyzed and I can't play." So I had it and then I- I was playing the game realizing this is worse 'cause now I have the ph- I'm waiting for the phone to vibrate and every time I thought it was vibrating, it wasn't. I was just running in the game. So then I stuffed it in towels and the warmups, which was in a pile in the back of the bench, and they would call...... coach would call timeout or I would call a timeout, I did that twice, and get out, and then I would su- I would go over and look at the phone to see if, if, you know, she had texted me. And I dealt with this anxiety. And then what happened was, is, w- my f- I was, you know, we were kids, 19, 18, 19. They, I opened up to one of my friends about it. We used to call him Bam Bam, he's a big boy. And we, I, and, and, and I opened up to him about it, thinking, you know, whatever, and then what they did, again, back then not knowing anything about mental health, not really caring, being from deep in Brooklyn, what they did is they, on a road trip, one time we were going to a game, they found a way to star, uh, they star 67'd, called me from a, you know, unrestricted number, it won't, it'll pop up nobody, and they said, the girl's name was Melissa, they were like, "Hey, we kidnapped Melissa."

Chris DiStefano 43:29 Oh, Jesus.

Narrator 43:29 "We have her in the trunk of our car. She's gonna die." Like, everything that they, I confessed to them, they said, and I had, and it was crazy, my freshman year, when she also played basketball as well that year, when I was freshman, she was, she was a senior, so we would always be in the same gym at the same time so I had no anxiety. I was 90% free throw shooter, nine-zero. My junior and senior year, when I was a better basketball player, in better shape, the leader of the team, but she was not with me every game, 50% free throw shooter because my brain, I couldn't feel my body. And I somehow got people, my teammates didn't even know this, I got all the way to Division III All-American. I was like, I'm my school's all-time leading scorer, or maybe second now. But I did all this stuff, and I was completely, 100%, absolutely having, like, this mental health crisis. Like, I, as anxious as I could be where I swear, I'm not, I would never joke about this, like, I was like at 21 years old being like, "I am gonna have to kill myself. I'm gonna ha- I cannot live like this." And nobody could help me. My mother didn't know what to do. No, nobody, this was, you know, when, 20 y- five y- no, yeah, 20 years ago, I, nobody, there was no mental health. Nobody knew that. Nobody knew about, like, s- that. I just dealt with every day reliving I think my girlfriend's dead, I think-

Chris DiStefano 44:46 Jesus.

Narrator 44:46 ... reliving that 9/11 Pandora's box, and it affected me, and, and to the point where, like, every relationship I had, they broke up with me 'cause they were like, "I can't deal with this." Th- to them, it was control, and in a way it was. I was trying to control. I wouldn't care about if they cheated on me, where are you, I was never jealous about that. I'd be like, "Oh, have fun. Have sex with him. Let me know how big his dick is. I'm kind of into it."

Chris DiStefano 45:06 (laughs)

Narrator 45:06 I don't give a shit. But I, I, I, I cared about their safety always, and it was this thing I could not let go of, and I, the biggest fear I have, the biggest fear I have, and that's why I'm trying so hard to work at this now and sometimes it's fucking exhausting but I'm trying so hard, is I don't want that anxiety to come back and then I put it on my daughters.

Chris DiStefano 45:26 Right.

Narrator 45:27 'Cause I don't want them, I don't wanna be, they're 18, 19, wanna live their life, and dad's here texting him and they don't write back and now I'm thinking, "Who has my daughter?"

Chris DiStefano 45:34 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 45:35 So I worry about that. That's-

Chris DiStefano 45:36 Yeah.

Narrator 45:37 ... that's the first fear I had when I h- held my oldest daughter, who was, you know, love of my life, I've held her and I was like, "When am I gonna, what's gonna happen when she goes outside?" Which I know you gotta stay in the present, you can't worry about that, but sometimes it, it, it, it hurts me.

Chris DiStefano 45:51 How did you get over this everyday crippling anxiety to the point where you thought you were gonna kill yourself? How'd you get past that?

Narrator 45:56 So what happened was, is, is I, the only advice that I, I did get from a- a friend of mine who's my kids' godfather now, um, was like, "You are so much better basketball player," which is, that's what I cared about back then, "You are such a better basketball player when you're single. When you don't have a girlfriend, you are such a better basketball player, and that's what you need to do." So, the w- only way at that time I could overcome it is to be single and to not connect to a girl in any way, shape, or form because then, if I was single, I wasn't worried as much. 'Cause my mom always would text me back, or if I called her, she was always pretty much home. I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding. It's 'cause my mom, she'll, she is thinking about me all the time.

Chris DiStefano 46:38 Right.

Narrator 46:38 But these girls, rightfully so, would be like, "I'm not gonna sit here and respond to this behavior."

Chris DiStefano 46:43 Right.

Narrator 46:43 You know, like, "He's nuts."

Chris DiStefano 46:44 Right.

Narrator 46:45 And I was. And then, and then so, and so that's the only way I could get over it. Now how I deal with it, like, you know, now, you know, my girl is out picking up my kids from school while we're doing this show, I just have a feeling, what I think about now is if something was to happen, I can handle it. I'll be able t- I'll be okay. It's gonna hurt, but I'll be okay. I've had enough life experiences where things hurt, but you'll be confi- you can get through it, and I try as best I can to tell myself, "Hey, your brain is a defense mechanism, is always gonna give you worst case scenario for survival, so just know that that worst case scenario is the, statistically, the least likely thing that's gonna happen. And if, God forbid, it does happen, you'll be able to deal with it, you can handle it." Where I think the anxiety for me, the last time came, I don't know what to do, I don't have the tools to help me-

Chris DiStefano 47:33 Right.

Narrator 47:33 ... if something horrible happens.

Chris DiStefano 47:35 So, life experience, therapy, all of the things.

Narrator 47:38 Yeah, but y- it's interesting what you said to me about therapy, is I felt that way myself. I was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I have, we all have issues, but I'm like, sometimes I'm just, like, bitching to my therapist, and I'm forcing myself to talk about these things that I feel like I have a better handle over from, like, my own, kind of, you know, meditation and just, you know-

Chris DiStefano 47:56 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 47:57 ... thinking, you know, like, seeking out help for myself, listening to people speak, having life experience, I'm like, you know, I like th- my therapist, but I'm like, I don't know, man. Sometimes it's like you don't wanna be the guy that's like, "I don't need help," 'cause I get it, but I'm like, yeah-... I didn't f- I didn't need this today. I feel like I, y- you made me nervous again now. Like, I didn't-

Joe Rogan 48:18 Right.

Narrator 48:18 ... I didn't need this at all today. I was okay today.

Joe Rogan 48:21 Right.

Narrator 48:21 But, but it's Tuesday, 11:15, so that's our session.

Joe Rogan 48:23 That's what Abigail Shrier was saying. I, I had her on. She had written a book about therapy and kids, and that obsessing about problems sometimes can exacerbate the problem, make them worse.

Narrator 48:34 Right.

Joe Rogan 48:34 So instead of just, like, allowing that problem to sort of go away and naturally recover from it, now you just rehash it over, and over, and over, and over, and-

Narrator 48:44 And that's no good.

Joe Rogan 48:44 ... then it becomes a thing that you're s- you're concentrating on all the time, and that you're not developing the ability to be resilient. And resilience comes from a lot of things, you know. A lot of things that is like, if you have bad things happen in your life, you could develop anxiety. But also, when bad things happen in your life and you recover from them, you realize you can recover from bad things.

Narrator 49:03 Yeah, that's how I feel now. I feel like I'll, I'll just, you know, I've been through it. I'm o- like, I'm not scared-

Joe Rogan 49:09 (clears throat)

Narrator 49:09 ... of anesthesia anymore. I used to be that guy that's scared of anesthesia 'cause I had to get a colonoscopy 'cause I took a shit that looked like it had some blood in it, and it turned out it was just a bunch of boysenberries. But they, but-

Joe Rogan 49:19 (laughs)

Narrator 49:19 ... it's what it was. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 49:23 You ever eat beets? (laughs)

Narrator 49:23 (laughs) Yeah.

Joe Rogan 49:24 When you have beets, you go into a panic.

Narrator 49:26 So I didn't know, so the doctor, I showed him a picture of my shit.

Joe Rogan 49:29 Yeah.

Narrator 49:29 I, I, and he was like, "That doesn't look great. Let's just get a colonoscopy." And I got the anesthesia, and I woke up and everything was fine. And I'm like, "Well, now I'm not scared." Now I feel, 'cause it, you, a big anxiety for me would be, okay, I feel a pain in my chest, my stomach, you know, whatever. Like, I had gas once in my stomach, and I had shows in England, and I got, I literally went from literal gas pain, 'cause you were eating all this British food, just this minor gas pain that was gonna go away in 10 minutes, to brain exacerbated it into, uh, potential appendicitis. I'm across the ocean. So now, I have three more shows left, so what I'm gonna have to do is figure out a way to get home preemptively. So what I'm gonna do is I called the venue, I said, "I have an emergency." They said, "What's the emergency?" I said, "My stepmom died," which wasn't true. And I got on a flight.

Joe Rogan 50:15 (laughs) No you didn't.

Narrator 50:16 I swear to God. And I got on a flight. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 50:18 Jesus Christ.

Narrator 50:19 Yes. I got on a flight, didn't tell the other people on the show, got on a flight, and got home, because, and, and when I landed back at JFK, my stomach pain went away. And it was all in my head to begin with, because what I was saying was, at that time, was, "I'm gonna get my appendix removed over here. I might die in the hospital."

Joe Rogan 50:38 Amazing. (laughs)

Narrator 50:39 I don't know how, I don't know how I'll react to anesthesia.

Joe Rogan 50:41 Jesus Christ.

Narrator 50:41 But now-

Joe Rogan 50:42 Oh my God.

Narrator 50:43 ... but now that wouldn't happen. Now what I would say, if I got a appendicitis feeling right now on the show what I'd say was, "Well, if that's gonna be the case, you'll deal with it. You know what, you know what anesthesia feels like. You won't know about it anyway. We have enough modern medicine here where, if you really, if this thing got really bad, and this was like, you're-gonna-die, you have enough medicine here where you can make this as painless as possible."

Joe Rogan 51:03 Were you the headliner of these shows?

Narrator 51:05 Yes.

Joe Rogan 51:06 Oh my God.

Narrator 51:06 They weren't selling, but still.

Joe Rogan 51:08 Jesus Christ.

Narrator 51:09 You know, it's not, I wasn't selling anything, but, but, but I still was the headliner. I let people down. And I, and you know, and I had to apologize to my stepmom that I said she died.

Joe Rogan 51:16 And the other people that were with you, did they fly over there to do those shows too?

Narrator 51:18 No, they were from the UK.

Joe Rogan 51:20 England. Okay.

Narrator 51:20 They were from the UK.

Joe Rogan 51:21 But-

Narrator 51:21 But I missed, I, all I ever wanted to do was see the beach in the UK. I've always, like, been obsessed with like, I wanted to see the water in England. And that's what they, the day I left, they had a beach day. And I left 'cause I was like, "I have stomach pains." And I, and I flew away and, because my brain would get the best of me. But now I'm different. Now I'm saying, "Well, I'll be able to handle this." That's how I feel.

Joe Rogan 51:39 Jesus.

Narrator 51:40 It's a little nuts, right?

Joe Rogan 51:41 It is a little nuts.

Narrator 51:43 But it's okay.

Joe Rogan 51:44 Yeah. Um, I don't know how to handle that. I'm not-

Narrator 51:48 I know.

Joe Rogan 51:48 My brain thinks so different than yours.

Narrator 51:50 But-

Joe Rogan 51:50 It's hard for me to...

Narrator 51:52 But isn't it interesting then we can both, but both of our outlets are comedy, even though our brains-

Joe Rogan 51:56 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 51:57 ... are different. 'Cause it's a really a defe-. My, I do comedy 'cause it's a defense mechanism. I, I, that's why I do it.

Joe Rogan 52:03 I- I- it's an art form. It's a discipline. I like it 'cause it's interesting and it's fun. I like it 'cause it makes people laugh and it makes, it excites my brain to come up with new stuff to talk about-

Narrator 52:13 But when you were young-

Joe Rogan 52:14 ... and to figure out a way to do it.

Narrator 52:14 But when you were young, in like Jamaica Plains-

Joe Rogan 52:17 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 52:17 ... and doing those things, would your defense thing, to, would you always try to make people laugh from a defensive point of view?

Joe Rogan 52:24 No.

Narrator 52:24 See, I, I was-

Joe Rogan 52:25 No, but if you talk to like my friends from high school, they wouldn't have told you I was funny. They d- thought I was a psycho.

Narrator 52:30 Got it.

Joe Rogan 52:30 It was, I had gotten obsessed with martial arts when I got to high school, and that's all I cared about. That's all I wanted to do. And but, back then I just was a drawer. I was an illustrator. I did l- a lot of comic books.

Narrator 52:41 Left-handed?

Joe Rogan 52:42 Right-handed.

Narrator 52:43 You know what I mean? Many people are good drawers who are left-handed, who are right-handed.

Joe Rogan 52:46 Really?

Narrator 52:46 Most of them are lefties.

Joe Rogan 52:47 That's, well, lefties are really good at a lot of things.

Narrator 52:50 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 52:50 I think lefties learn things easier. I don't know easier, but they seem to be better at learning things. I mean, this is a gross exaggeration. There's a lot of lefty morons, I'm sure. But lefties are really good at boxing. Like, some of the, the hardest, uh, sparring rounds I ever had to do were with left-handed guys.

Narrator 53:06 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 53:07 It's a different angle. You're looking at things totally different. You're open for stuff that you're not, like you're open for a straight left. You're open, the, the right jab comes from a different place. It's harder to manage. It's weird.

Narrator 53:18 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:18 You just, your brain gets used to a guy with a left hand in front, and you're standing and you're moving around with him. As soon as the right hand's in front, you're like, "Oh, shit." It like-

Narrator 53:26 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:26 ... it throws everything off.

Narrator 53:28 Right.

Joe Rogan 53:28 Um, they're really good at pool. A lot of, like, world champions are left-handed. Like, some of the best players in the world are left-handed. Not all of them.

Narrator 53:36 I-

Joe Rogan 53:36 A lot of really good right-handers too, but there's something about left-handed people that they seem to excel at stuff.

Narrator 53:41 I've never played pool once in my life.

Joe Rogan 53:44 ... good, don't do it.

Narrator 53:45 You think I should- Is it- is it-

Joe Rogan 53:45 It's like golf.

Narrator 53:46 Don't get in- Oh, golf either.

Joe Rogan 53:48 The thing is, if you get into it, the problem is, it's- The problem with pool is if you get into it, it's so engrossing. It just takes over your, your mind.

Narrator 53:57 Everything.

Joe Rogan 53:58 It's like, it's so difficult to do. People don't understand, like, to play really good pool requires like this insane level of concentration that's sort of like a meditation. You, you're thinking about so many things.

Narrator 54:10 Mm.

Joe Rogan 54:10 You're thinking about h- the exact amount of revolutions you're putting on the ball, the angle that ball's gonna come off, what it's gonna come off with spin. Are you gonna put check spin on it so it, it, it shortens the angle or are you gonna put running English on it so it lengthens the angle? Are you gonna hit it soft or hard? Where do you wanna get for the next shot and then where do you go- wanna get for the shot after that, which is you have to pa- play three balls in advance.

Narrator 54:31 Oh my God, I'm out already.

Joe Rogan 54:32 Yeah, and it's, it's all this geometry and you have to understand angles and collisions and you get this feeling-

Narrator 54:37 What about chess?

Joe Rogan 54:39 That's another one, like, I'm scared to do it. I remember when Howard Stern got really into chess. I was listening to the show and he was, he was taking chess lessons and all these different things and I was like, "Ooh." That's one of those things, like in, um, Boston, one of the things that I noticed is the guys who were really, uh, into golf, their careers suffered 'cause they weren't really thinking about comedy. They were thinking about playing... they wanted to play golf. Comedy was like their job that they would do so they would have money and then during the day they would play golf, and golf had become their thing.

Narrator 55:06 That's interesting 'cause I thought you were gonna say it feels like the guys who I know who play golf have bigger careers because they're making these connections with people on the golf course and getting these things.

Joe Rogan 55:17 Well that could happen too.

Narrator 55:18 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:18 I mean, that's certainly a business thing. Golf is a great business game.

Narrator 55:21 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:21 If you're into business, like you kinda almost have to play golf.

Narrator 55:24 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:24 'Cause guys like to do deals and talk about things on the course.

Narrator 55:28 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:28 I mean, you get to know a person on a golf course, you know, just like you get to know a person playing pool. Like, you-

Narrator 55:32 Right.

Joe Rogan 55:33 ... you get to know like how they can handle pressure-

Narrator 55:35 Right.

Joe Rogan 55:35 ... and what, whether they, what kind of a person they are. Like, Bryan Callen famously told me this story, uh, where his mom was watching this guy that his dad was gonna do business with play golf.

Narrator 55:46 Mm-hmm.

Joe Rogan 55:46 And the guy cheated at golf. He moved the ball. And she goes, "Don't do any business with him. He cheats."

Narrator 55:52 Right.

Joe Rogan 55:52 "Move that ball."

Narrator 55:53 Right.

Joe Rogan 55:53 "He move- he's a liar." Like, she was, she was right. Didn't doubt-

Narrator 55:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:57 ... she was right.

Narrator 55:57 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 55:57 But it's, there's a thing that you can see when a person plays pool or plays golf-

Narrator 56:01 Right.

Joe Rogan 56:01 ... you see their character.

Narrator 56:02 Yeah, that's like my father has a rule, if you're a fan- if you grew up in a city and you're not a fan of that team, you're a fan of a team from another city, he doesn't trust you.

Joe Rogan 56:13 (laughs)

Narrator 56:13 And he never will. He just, he just won't and it has nothing to do with his team.

Joe Rogan 56:18 (laughs) That makes sense.

Narrator 56:19 He just says, "What kind of traitor of a person are you-

Joe Rogan 56:21 Yeah.

Narrator 56:21 ... that you wanna live around people who hate you 'cause of your fan choice?" Unless, he said, the only caveat to that is if their father was from, like, Pittsburgh-

Joe Rogan 56:31 Right.

Narrator 56:31 ... and you're a diehard Steelers fan and you move to New York, I get that.

Joe Rogan 56:34 Yeah, I get that.

Narrator 56:34 But if you're just, you're the guy that just wants to go against the grain, his, his advice is, "No, thank you."

Joe Rogan 56:39 Eh...

Narrator 56:40 "I want nothing to do with you." Which that's pretty good advice.

Joe Rogan 56:42 Yes.

Narrator 56:42 That's a pretty good rule to live by.

Joe Rogan 56:44 Sure, that's like someone who's in your tribe that secretly wants-

Narrator 56:46 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:46 ... to be in another tribe.

Narrator 56:47 Yeah.

Joe Rogan 56:48 Yeah.

Narrator 56:48 The only thing m- me and my father disagree on is like right now I'm wearing, you know, a Mets shirt, right?

Joe Rogan 56:52 Mm-hmm.

Narrator 56:52 And the only reason why I'm wearing this is because I, I'm gonna be honest with you, I, uh, I, you know, jerked off today. I was coming in a little heavy. I was a li- I was a little anxious. I, uh, jerked, whatever, it happens. And, and then I kinda just let it sit there on me, and, um, I got up and the shirt that I had was at the edge of my bed that I was gonna wear, and I got up and it just leaked, fell onto this shirt.

Joe Rogan 57:15 Mm.

Narrator 57:15 So I was like, "This is the only shirt I have." So I threw on a Mets shirt knowing that some of my friends back home are gonna be like, "Are you a fucking Mets fan now? I thought you were a Yankees fan." And-

Joe Rogan 57:25 How dumb is that 'cause they're both from New York?

Narrator 57:27 That's my thing.

Joe Rogan 57:28 The dumbest.

Narrator 57:28 For me, it's, I'm New York. I root for New York.

Joe Rogan 57:31 But Mets is like people who use Android phones.

Narrator 57:33 Yes.

Joe Rogan 57:33 Like, you're a rebel.

Narrator 57:34 Yes. (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:36 (laughs)

Narrator 57:36 It's true. It's true. (laughs) Dude.

Joe Rogan 57:39 You know...

Narrator 57:39 Dude, you know why I'm a Mets fan? I was born in Queens. My father's from the Bronx, diehard Yankees fan, but Mets fan, the owner of the team, Steve Cohen, right? He's, you know, big owner, you know, whatever. Really nice guy. I did, in the pandemic, I did his 60th birthday party.

Joe Rogan 57:54 Oh no.

Narrator 57:54 Private party, right? In a room like this.

Joe Rogan 57:56 Did it suck?

Narrator 57:57 Here's what happened. So... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 57:59 (laughs)

Narrator 58:02 (laughs) So...

Joe Rogan 58:06 I can't wait for this bit. (laughs)

Narrator 58:08 (laughs) So... Okay, so h- here's what happened.

Joe Rogan 58:12 Ugh.

Narrator 58:13 All right. So...

Joe Rogan 58:14 (laughs)

Narrator 58:14 (laughs) So... All right.

Joe Rogan 58:18 Ugh. Oh...

Narrator 58:18 I get a call, right?

Joe Rogan 58:20 Okay.

Narrator 58:20 You're gonna do this show. What happened was I talk, I, my, Jasmin, my family's Puerto Rican, my kids are Puerto Rican, I have material about having this Puerto Rican family, right? Steve's wife is Puerto Rican, okay? They have his 60th birthday party and what I thought the birthday party was gonna be was him and his family. I'll do my Puerto Rican jokes, you know, the, the wife will like it. You know, whatever. It's 20 minutes, you know, great money, it's, you know, cool opportunity, do it. It's a challenge, right? It's the pandemic, not much going on. They rented out this restaurant. Nobody was supposed to know about it. It's like in the back room thing. So I go. So I get there and it's no... it's h- him and his 10 friends, all guys. Just all guys sitting at a table like this having dinner. They do not know comedy's supposed to happen. The wife thought it'd be a good idea to get a comedian in there for his 60th birthday that she wasn't invited to 'cause this was a guys thing. And so, uh, a 60-year-old billionaire doesn't know who the fuck I am. If you're gonna have comedy-

Joe Rogan 59:21 Ugh.

Narrator 59:22 ... have Jerry Seinfeld.

Joe Rogan 59:23 Right.

Narrator 59:23 Have Joe Rogan. Have somebody that they know. They have no idea. So the, the guy who, you know, was like Steve's assistant who the w- you know, has to answer to his wife, I think his name was Ned. He goes, um, "Are you the comedian?" I was like, "Yeah." He goes, (sighs) "All right." He goes, uh, "What, what's your name again?" And I was like, "Uh, it's Chris Distefano." I, I thought like Mrs. Cohen knew me. She was like, "Yeah, she's not here." Like, that's, uh, this is, it's all guys in there. I said, "Well, you know, do you not want me to do it?" He goes, "No, she already paid you." Like, "I, I, I ha- you have to do it." So I was like, "Okay." So I was like, "Well, where... Just show me where like the microphone is." He was like, "We don't have anything."... there's no microphone, there's no lights.

Joe Rogan 1:00:02 (buzzing sound) (laughs)

Narrator 1:00:03 He goes, "We were thinking..." He goes, (laughs) he goes, "They just got served their entrees, so we were thinking you can just stand in the front of the table and do a few minutes."

Joe Rogan 1:00:12 Oh, boy.

Narrator 1:00:12 So I was like, "You know that this is gonna be... This is a nightmare." And he was like, "It doesn't feel like they're gonna like you."

Joe Rogan 1:00:17 (laughs)

Narrator 1:00:17 So... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:00:19 (laughs) Oh my God.

Narrator 1:00:26 So Ned...

Joe Rogan 1:00:27 I'm... My hands are sweating for you. Ugh, ugh.

Narrator 1:00:30 So, so Ned, Ned goes, "Listen, they just got the entrees. (laughs) Just go out there." And so he... I swear, I'm not... I swear to God, I told him my name three times. He goes, uh, he goes, "All right, uh, Steve, you know, uh, your wife had a nice little surprise for you. We got a comedian. We got a, uh, you know, fun comedian." And he goes, um, and he goes... So, so here he is. And, and he goes, "Chris, um, Chris..." And then one of the guys went, "Chris Rock? Is it Chris Rock?" And then he goes, "No, it's not Chris Rock. It's Chris... What's your last name, kid?" And I was like, "Uh, DiStefano." And then as I'm walking in, somebody goes, "Who the fuck is that?"

Joe Rogan 1:01:06 Ah.

Narrator 1:01:06 And so, and so I walk in, and I get up there right away. And I was like, "Hey, guys. I know this is probably not what you wanted. I can leave right now. But I, I have... You know, uh, uh, if you want me to do some jokes, like, you know, I'll, I'll do them right now." And then one guy was like, "Yeah, do it." He goes, "But make it quick." So I was like, "Okay, this is good." So I go out there, and Joe, I am fucking bombing, like you can't imagine.

Joe Rogan 1:01:34 (laughs)

Narrator 1:01:34 Like, a full zero. All you hear is knives and forks hitting the plate, people chewing.

Joe Rogan 1:01:39 (sighs)

Narrator 1:01:39 At some point, I don't know who threw it, a shrimp bounced off my chest. Somebody hit me with a shrimp and they're dying in the back of the table.

Joe Rogan 1:01:46 (laughs)

Narrator 1:01:46 Tommy Mottola was there, um, you know, who... The, the famous, uh-

Joe Rogan 1:01:51 Record producer.

Narrator 1:01:51 ... record producer, and you know, was married to Mariah Carey. (smacks lips) So I go, uh, I go, "Oh, Mr. Mottola, you know, I'm a, I'm a big fan, you know, of, of, of your ex-wife. Uh, you know, I loved her work." He goes, "Yeah, I bet you're a big fan of cock too." (claps hands) Big laugh, you know. You know, like, I'm like, "Oh my God."

Joe Rogan 1:02:08 Wow.

Narrator 1:02:08 So then finally, the only person laughing-

Joe Rogan 1:02:10 Tommy Mottola dunked on you, got the biggest laugh in the room?

Narrator 1:02:13 Dunked. Crushed.

Joe Rogan 1:02:14 (laughs)

Narrator 1:02:15 The only person laughing is Steve's son-

Joe Rogan 1:02:17 (clears throat)

Narrator 1:02:17 ... who's 30 years old, who's become a friend of mine. Josh, great guy. He's laughing in the corner. Not at my material, just 'cause he's like this... 'Cause he knew my podcast.

Joe Rogan 1:02:24 Right.

Narrator 1:02:25 He was like, "Oh my God, this sucks."

Joe Rogan 1:02:27 "This is crazy." (laughs)

Narrator 1:02:28 So, so then Steve, Steve finally goes, he goes, "Listen to me." He stops, he goes, he goes... "I'm doing a joke." He was very nice. He goes, "Okay." He goes, uh, "Oh, what did my wife tell you?" And I said, "Well, um, you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here, birthday gift for you. You know, do 15 minutes and, and, you know, like, just, you know, uh, uh, just do the best I can. And she thought you'd like me 'cause I talk about the Puerto Rican kids and all that." He goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's... I'm not Puerto Rican, though." I was like, "No, I know, I know." And he goes, um, "How about this? I'll make you a deal." He goes, "What are your five best minutes?" And I said, "Well, I, I did the David Letterman show a few years ago." He goes, "Oh, I know, I know David Letterman." I said, "Yeah." He said, uh, he said, "Why don't you do that? How about..." And he goes, "Do, do that. Do tho- do those five best." He goes, "I'm gonna tell my guys to listen. Do those five best." He goes, "If you can get me to laugh in those five minutes, I'll double whatever my wife gave you." He goes, "Did you get it already?" She, she... I said, "Yeah, I think she wired it to my agent." He goes, "I'll, I'll double it. Whatever it is, I don't even know what the number is, I'll... Times two, give me your best five." So I just like planted my feet and I just, to the wall, didn't even look at anybody. Just did my exact David Letterman set, which is about being on the subway, I just came back from England, like shit from 10 years ago. But I had it and I did it, and they started to laugh, and sure as shit, that's what he did. He had... He, he doubled the money, turned out to be a big thing, you know, for me. And then what happened was, is I had to sign all these NDAs not to talk about anything.

Joe Rogan 1:03:58 But you just talked about it.

Narrator 1:03:59 Well, here's the thing. I... (laughs)

Joe Rogan 1:04:07 (laughs)

Narrator 1:04:09 (laughs) I had to sign all these NDAs-

Joe Rogan 1:04:12 (laughs)

Narrator 1:04:12 ... not to talk about it. But I thought I had to sign NDAs 'cause it was during COVID times and they were like renting out a restaurant, which like you really couldn't do back then. So I was like, "Just don't mention that." And I, I was like, uh, and I thought it was really more for like, you know, they don't want reporters-

Joe Rogan 1:04:26 Right.

Narrator 1:04:26 ... showing up to the actual event and them getting in trouble. But it's like, the next day, who cares? So I do my podcast the next day, Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and I-

Joe Rogan 1:04:35 (sucks teeth) Damn.

Narrator 1:04:35 ... I start the show with, "Dude, I fucking ate it last night."

Joe Rogan 1:04:39 Oh, no. Oh, no.

Narrator 1:04:39 "Here's the story." Right? Going crazy.

Joe Rogan 1:04:41 Oh, no.

Narrator 1:04:42 That episode comes out the next day. We filmed it in the morning, it came out that night. So the next morning, so two days removed from the Cohen gig, I wake up, I have 20 missed calls from my manager, my agent, lawyer. I