The Joe Rogan ExperienceJoe Rogan Experience #2144 - Chris Distefano
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
150 min read · 30,381 words- 0:00 – 15:00
(drumming) Joe Rogan podcast,…
- NANarrator
(drumming) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. (instrumental music)
- JRJoe Rogan
I never know what's going on with you, if this is, like, an act or if this is part of the fun-
- NANarrator
N-
- JRJoe Rogan
... of being Chrissy D.
- NANarrator
I mean, no, well, Chrissy D was all fun and games.
- JRJoe Rogan
Was?
- NANarrator
Was.
- JRJoe Rogan
Third person.
- NANarrator
Now, we're coming into a part we're c- two, two major things have happened here. Okay?
- JRJoe Rogan
Okay.
- NANarrator
One, I've, uh, refound my love for Christ and I'm back believing. I'm back being Catholic.
- JRJoe Rogan
Okay.
- NANarrator
I'm back in-
- JRJoe Rogan
Nice.
- NANarrator
... got two feet in Catholicism.
- JRJoe Rogan
Okay.
- NANarrator
We're back, baby. And then the other thing is, is I made... I, I, uh, six months ago, I had this beautiful house, Staten Island, right? Everything we wanted, (snaps fingers) sold the house because I was having anxiety about doing a show at Radio City. Swear to God, I, I, my brain couldn't process it that way, but through therapy, the therapist figured out, and it's right because I checked on this with my girlfriend and she was like, "That's exactly what you did." I was very nervous about Radio City, didn't know where to put that energy 'cause it was a big show. I'm a New York guy, big, biggest weekend of my life, uh, so I said, about two weeks before Radio City, came home and said, "We're putting up the house for sale. I wanna be able to walk to a bagel store. We can't walk to a bagel store at this house on Staten Island. I need that for my creative process." And my girl was like, "What are you doing? We just renovated our kitchen, the living... We just, you just poured money into... This is our home." I was like, "I can't walk to a bagel store and my, uh, it's gonna fuck my comedy up. I, I, I- it will."
- JRJoe Rogan
What?
- NANarrator
And, and she... Yeah, and, and then, you know, if... and then people, if you knew my address back then, you would know that there's a ba- there was a bagel store .9 miles away, um, that I didn't know about, but...
- JRJoe Rogan
(laughs)
- NANarrator
(laughs)
- JRJoe Rogan
But... But you had a dream house.
- NANarrator
I had a dream house that I, that we put to our liking and I said I couldn't... Didn't understand it then. I said, "We're selling the house." And I convinced my family, 'cause that's what we can do, right, as comics? I convinced them. I had them buy this story. Convinced my girl, my family.
- JRJoe Rogan
Mm-hmm.
- NANarrator
What's gonna be better for us is to sell this five bedroom house. Here's what we're... here's the move. We're gonna sell this five bedroom house for about $300,000 under asking price. We're gonna get out of this puppy. We're gonna sell that. We're gonna move to Queens where we can walk to stuff and bagel stores and be in civilization. We're gonna temporarily live in a two bedroom apartment, um, and, and, and then we're eventually gonna move into a, a condo and life's gonna be better because, uh, you know, we won't have to... I won't have to care for these grounds anymore. I won't have to throw out the garbage. We'll be safe and in an apartment. People can't come in the back window of our home. And this will be the move. And, um, I did that, and then the apartment that we had lined up fell through. Uh, we ha- we left the apartment we were living in 'cause it had roaches. Uh, Jasmine almost left me. She was almost like, "I can't be a part of your chaos and self-sabotage anymore." And I had to kind of really just say, "What the hell did I just do? How, what..." Figure this problem out. Went back into therapy, turned back into religion. Starting to find some answers, and now we're living in a home that we're renting that we like and we're kind of settling in. But that I learned a valuable le- I learned the lesson of self-sabotage the hard way. The hardest, the... It's weird. What's going on in my career right now, selling the most tickets I've ever had, financially the best I've ever done, getting all these opportunities, was the worst vers- was the worst version of me as a human being. Be- not because I was just self-sabotaging after self-sabotaging, and I couldn't, didn't know why.
- JRJoe Rogan
Do you have friends that you can talk to about this stuff?
- NANarrator
Yeah, but they're, you know, not... They call me gay, you know what I mean? Like, they're old school New York guys that are like, "I don't fucking know, dude. Get a therapist." And I'm like, "Well, yeah, I, I, I, I..." What I had to do, what I... I, I really felt like nobody could really help me with this. I was like, "I gotta just turn to a professional therapist." And then I go into... And then I turned to, back to going to church, and I was like, "Well, at least I have, like..." If anything, for me, church is just an hour a week to just meditate and sit there, and I have nothing.
- JRJoe Rogan
Mm-hmm.
- 15:00 – 30:00
Mm-hmm. …
- NANarrator
I do believe I've learned a lesson. I do believe that I would never do that again, and I do believe it wasn't fatal for us. But I was like, "I really"... Like, I've never been that guy. I would manufacture problems in my brain. I would say, "Oh, you know, this is an issue, but it's minor." It's not. It's self-obsessed, narcissistic, like disgusting, like, "Chris, get over yourself. Self-obsessed bullshit. Get over yourself."
- JRJoe Rogan
Mm-hmm.
- NANarrator
I would- and I would- and I would do that, and then kind of tell myself, like, "You're being gross. Stop, Chris. Like, your family... Y- you have a pain in your big toe. It's not brain cancer. Shut up. And, you know, your family needs you." And then, so, I would- I would do that, but then I actually did give myself a big problem. I had two major problems. I had this s- house sale, and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy, like crazy, crazy, crazy, where I was like, "This is now a nightmare. This has become an issue." So I'm like, now, for the first time in the past nine months, I'm like, "You- you... One self-induced, one not, and you've created... Now, how do you deal with this?"
- JRJoe Rogan
How do you think you created the problem with your family member acting crazy?
- NANarrator
Because I enabled them. I- I'm- I feel a r-
- JRJoe Rogan
Specifically, how'd you do that?
- NANarrator
I feel... Well, because I was giving them, you know, m- money. I was g- I was le- I was not aware that an issue was going on. I was kind of giving th-
- JRJoe Rogan
Oh, like a drug issue?
- NANarrator
Yes, and I was allowing them, you know, like, to- to do things and say things, and I was just like-
- JRJoe Rogan
Hmm.
- NANarrator
... "This is fun. It's c- hey, it's chaos, baby." And then- and then not realizing like, "Hey man, you're affecting way more... You're gonna be the head of this family, then be the head of this family. They're gonna follow your lead, and your lead right now, no matter how much you tell yourself, 'Oh, I don't do drugs. I don't do drink- I don't drink too much. I'm- I'm, you know, stable.'" You're not, buddy. Like, you have to put your feet down right now and your family's... You know, my- my eight-year-old is... She's old enough now to... Somebody will... You know, somebody in her class will be like, "Oh, your dad's the comic. He's pretty filthy." Right? So m- my daughter's now is at an age where she's g- you know, I've never mentioned them. My- I- nobody knows what they look like. I'm not that. But- but I'm like, "Oh, there's responsibilities now. There's- there's repercussions for things we're doing now." My kids, they're not little anymore. My 13-year-old, I have 13, eight, and two. My two-year-old's obviously a baby, but 13 and eight? You're gonna have to now really, really, really get your shit together. And I think that was scary because nobody really in my family, no male figures at least, even though my father's a great man, nobody really got their shit together, right? I was like, I'm the only one who went to college. I'm the only one who pursued anything. I'm the only one who's ever even owned a home, you know? So- so even though I sold it immediately (laughs) I- I... So-
- JRJoe Rogan
How long did you have it for?
- NANarrator
About two years (laughs) . And I sold it for way under... My neighbor, who I didn't consult with, was like, "Why... If you wanted to move, fine." Again, it's Staten Island, it's not for everybody, even though I love Staten Island.
- JRJoe Rogan
But you ruined the property values.
- NANarrator
He was like, "Yes." He was like, "What the fuck?" And he was like, "You sold it. Who the fuck did you sell this to? And you sold it for hundreds of thousands of dollars less than it was worth." And-
- JRJoe Rogan
Why did you do that?
- NANarrator
Because I just wanted to get out. I just wanted to move.
- JRJoe Rogan
So you just accepted the first offer?
- NANarrator
Yes. I just needed action. My father was a- is a, like... His marriage with my mother got ruined because he was a hardcore gambler, hardcore Gamblers Anonymous, ru- like...
- JRJoe Rogan
That's a scary disease.
- NANarrator
Yes. Gambler, gamble g- And my father told me, you know, even before I started doing this, my father was always like...... y- y- do not gamble, okay? If I ever see you learning card tricks, if I ever see you knowing what gambling on sports, any of that, you're really gonna upset me. And like, this is the only demand I have of you, is do not gamble. And what I believe has happened is I don't gamble. I don't even know what the point spreads and the VIGs. And I don't know what any of that means 'cause my fa- and card games, you could put cards in front of me, I have no idea what's happening. People talk about, you know, um, parlay bets. I have no idea what's happening. I don't know what ... It's a foreign language to me because of ... I was like, "I'm gonna do that." But what I've realized now is, well, of course, I'm gambling still, I'm just not playing card games and betting.
- JRJoe Rogan
Right. You're just taking risks with your life. You're moving-
- NANarrator
I might be taking bigger risks with my life-
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- NANarrator
... than he could because now I'm, you know, he's, was gamble... Yes, he lost his marriage to my mom, which sucks, but you know, whatever. He gambled, you know. Uh, he, you know, some guys wanted to kill him 'cause he owed money. He got it taken care of and then he went to Gamblers Anonymous and at least he was like, "Well, I have this disease and I don't do it anymore." And I respect my dad for that. He got out of the, he got out of it. But I'm like, man, I was going down this path where like, how many more decisions was I, was I gonna make? How many more times was I gonna gamble? Because I was like, I didn't realize and this, th- this last nine months, I was like, "Wow, dude. You really fucking are looking it in the face now." Like these decisions, I mean, dude, when your eight-year-old is looks at you like, "What the fuck did you do?"
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- NANarrator
That's all, you know. Your mom and dad can tell you shit. Even your wife and girlfriend can tell you shit, which I all love and respect, but when your daughter is like, "What did you do?"
- JRJoe Rogan
Yeah.
- NANarrator
"Why did you do this to us?"
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- 30:00 – 45:00
Whew. …
- NANarrator
ever. I'm, like, fully seeing people injecting heroin, fucking cr-... It's wild.
- JRJoe Rogan
Whew.
- NANarrator
Even my father, who's like, "I grew up in New Y-" You know, my father's like, "I remember New York in the '70s and '80s," which was, like, nuts. Like, you know, i- i- it was like you would get assaulted. Everybody had AIDS. He was like, "You know, this is scarier New York."
- JRJoe Rogan
Wow.
- NANarrator
"I'm more scared of this New York." 'Cause you don't... He said, "In, in the old New York, you knew which neighborhoods. Don't go in that neighborhood, and then you're okay. But this New York, I don't know where that shit's coming from. It's gonna pop out of anywhere at any time." And you'll have people that will hear this and be like, "You're, you know, you're exaggerating. It's not true." I'm telling you, it's true. I wouldn't-
- JRJoe Rogan
They just haven't run into it yet.
- NANarrator
I'm telling you, dude, it's true. And when you are friends with the police, you know the cops-... there. It's true.
- JRJoe Rogan
Well, when you saw those illegal immigrants that came here, that, uh, attacked the police officer-
- NANarrator
Mm-hmm.
- JRJoe Rogan
... and they were out of jail the next day-
- NANarrator
Come on, man.
- JRJoe Rogan
... flashing the bird at the cameras-
- NANarrator
Yeah. Yep.
- JRJoe Rogan
... like, that's crazy. You got someone who illegally enters from another country, assaults a police officer, and they're right back out in the street.
- NANarrator
Well, and by the way, nobody, like, any race or religion doesn't want that in New York.
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- NANarrator
Like, no- nobody wants that.
- JRJoe Rogan
Nobody wants that.
- NANarrator
Like, that's not a thing.
- JRJoe Rogan
No.
- NANarrator
That's like, "Oh, that..." Nobody wants that at all. So, like, w- I don't know what it's gonna take to change. I mean, I will tell you that, like, a lot of New Yorkers blame it on Mayor Bloomberg. Like, he's the most hated- ex-Mayor Bloomberg, he's the most hated person.
- JRJoe Rogan
Really? More so than the last guy? Than de Blasio?
- NANarrator
I'm sorry. De Blasio is what I meant to say. I'm sorry.
- JRJoe Rogan
Yeah.
- NANarrator
Not Bloomberg, de Blasio is what I meant to say. I'm sorry.
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- NANarrator
Mayor de Blasio is, is hated like... He's hated more than Satan. Like, people des- I was at a gym once in Park Slope, Brooklyn. He was on the elliptical, and he has a security guard standing by him. He was the acting mayor, and I mean, people were just fucking trashing him as they walked by. Just, I mean, outwardly trashing him because nobody gives a shit. We were like, "You s-" There, there's the one guy who was like, "You fucking suck. And by the way, that's a girl's machine." (laughs) "That's a girl's-"
- JRJoe Rogan
The elliptical's a girl's machine?
- NANarrator
That's what they said. And I was like, "It's not."
- JRJoe Rogan
Nobody's ever said that to me.
- 45:00 – 1:00:00
(laughs) …
- NANarrator
if they cheated on me, where are you, I was never jealous about that. I'd be like, "Oh, have fun. Have sex with him. Let me know how big his dick is. I'm kind of into it."
- CDChris DiStefano
(laughs)
- NANarrator
I don't give a shit. But I, I, I, I cared about their safety always, and it was this thing I could not let go of, and I, the biggest fear I have, the biggest fear I have, and that's why I'm trying so hard to work at this now and sometimes it's fucking exhausting but I'm trying so hard, is I don't want that anxiety to come back and then I put it on my daughters.
- CDChris DiStefano
Right.
- NANarrator
'Cause I don't want them, I don't wanna be, they're 18, 19, wanna live their life, and dad's here texting him and they don't write back and now I'm thinking, "Who has my daughter?"
- CDChris DiStefano
Mm-hmm.
- NANarrator
So I worry about that. That's-
- CDChris DiStefano
Yeah.
- NANarrator
... that's the first fear I had when I h- held my oldest daughter, who was, you know, love of my life, I've held her and I was like, "When am I gonna, what's gonna happen when she goes outside?" Which I know you gotta stay in the present, you can't worry about that, but sometimes it, it, it, it hurts me.
- CDChris DiStefano
How did you get over this everyday crippling anxiety to the point where you thought you were gonna kill yourself? How'd you get past that?
- NANarrator
So what happened was, is, is I, the only advice that I, I did get from a- a friend of mine who's my kids' godfather now, um, was like, "You are so much better basketball player," which is, that's what I cared about back then, "You are such a better basketball player when you're single. When you don't have a girlfriend, you are such a better basketball player, and that's what you need to do." So, the w- only way at that time I could overcome it is to be single and to not connect to a girl in any way, shape, or form because then, if I was single, I wasn't worried as much. 'Cause my mom always would text me back, or if I called her, she was always pretty much home. I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding. It's 'cause my mom, she'll, she is thinking about me all the time.
- CDChris DiStefano
Right.
- NANarrator
But these girls, rightfully so, would be like, "I'm not gonna sit here and respond to this behavior."
- CDChris DiStefano
Right.
- NANarrator
You know, like, "He's nuts."
- CDChris DiStefano
Right.
- NANarrator
And I was. And then, and then so, and so that's the only way I could get over it. Now how I deal with it, like, you know, now, you know, my girl is out picking up my kids from school while we're doing this show, I just have a feeling, what I think about now is if something was to happen, I can handle it. I'll be able t- I'll be okay. It's gonna hurt, but I'll be okay. I've had enough life experiences where things hurt, but you'll be confi- you can get through it, and I try as best I can to tell myself, "Hey, your brain is a defense mechanism, is always gonna give you worst case scenario for survival, so just know that that worst case scenario is the, statistically, the least likely thing that's gonna happen. And if, God forbid, it does happen, you'll be able to deal with it, you can handle it." Where I think the anxiety for me, the last time came, I don't know what to do, I don't have the tools to help me-
- CDChris DiStefano
Right.
- NANarrator
... if something horrible happens.
- CDChris DiStefano
So, life experience, therapy, all of the things.
- NANarrator
Yeah, but y- it's interesting what you said to me about therapy, is I felt that way myself. I was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I have, we all have issues, but I'm like, sometimes I'm just, like, bitching to my therapist, and I'm forcing myself to talk about these things that I feel like I have a better handle over from, like, my own, kind of, you know, meditation and just, you know-
- CDChris DiStefano
Mm-hmm.
- NANarrator
... thinking, you know, like, seeking out help for myself, listening to people speak, having life experience, I'm like, you know, I like th- my therapist, but I'm like, I don't know, man. Sometimes it's like you don't wanna be the guy that's like, "I don't need help," 'cause I get it, but I'm like, yeah-... I didn't f- I didn't need this today. I feel like I, y- you made me nervous again now. Like, I didn't-
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- NANarrator
... I didn't need this at all today. I was okay today.
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
- NANarrator
But, but it's Tuesday, 11:15, so that's our session.
- JRJoe Rogan
That's what Abigail Shrier was saying. I, I had her on. She had written a book about therapy and kids, and that obsessing about problems sometimes can exacerbate the problem, make them worse.
- NANarrator
Right.
- JRJoe Rogan
So instead of just, like, allowing that problem to sort of go away and naturally recover from it, now you just rehash it over, and over, and over, and over, and-
- 1:00:00 – 1:05:48
(buzzing sound) (laughs) …
- NANarrator
have anything."... there's no microphone, there's no lights.
- JRJoe Rogan
(buzzing sound) (laughs)
- NANarrator
He goes, "We were thinking..." He goes, (laughs) he goes, "They just got served their entrees, so we were thinking you can just stand in the front of the table and do a few minutes."
- JRJoe Rogan
Oh, boy.
- NANarrator
So I was like, "You know that this is gonna be... This is a nightmare." And he was like, "It doesn't feel like they're gonna like you."
- JRJoe Rogan
(laughs)
- NANarrator
So... (laughs)
- JRJoe Rogan
(laughs) Oh my God.
- NANarrator
So Ned...
- JRJoe Rogan
I'm... My hands are sweating for you. Ugh, ugh.
- NANarrator
So, so Ned, Ned goes, "Listen, they just got the entrees. (laughs) Just go out there." And so he... I swear, I'm not... I swear to God, I told him my name three times. He goes, uh, he goes, "All right, uh, Steve, you know, uh, your wife had a nice little surprise for you. We got a comedian. We got a, uh, you know, fun comedian." And he goes, um, and he goes... So, so here he is. And, and he goes, "Chris, um, Chris..." And then one of the guys went, "Chris Rock? Is it Chris Rock?" And then he goes, "No, it's not Chris Rock. It's Chris... What's your last name, kid?" And I was like, "Uh, DiStefano." And then as I'm walking in, somebody goes, "Who the fuck is that?"
- JRJoe Rogan
Ah.
- NANarrator
And so, and so I walk in, and I get up there right away. And I was like, "Hey, guys. I know this is probably not what you wanted. I can leave right now. But I, I have... You know, uh, uh, if you want me to do some jokes, like, you know, I'll, I'll do them right now." And then one guy was like, "Yeah, do it." He goes, "But make it quick." So I was like, "Okay, this is good." So I go out there, and Joe, I am fucking bombing, like you can't imagine.
- JRJoe Rogan
(laughs)
- NANarrator
Like, a full zero. All you hear is knives and forks hitting the plate, people chewing.
- JRJoe Rogan
(sighs)
- NANarrator
At some point, I don't know who threw it, a shrimp bounced off my chest. Somebody hit me with a shrimp and they're dying in the back of the table.
- JRJoe Rogan
(laughs)
- NANarrator
Tommy Mottola was there, um, you know, who... The, the famous, uh-
- JRJoe Rogan
Record producer.
- NANarrator
... record producer, and you know, was married to Mariah Carey. (smacks lips) So I go, uh, I go, "Oh, Mr. Mottola, you know, I'm a, I'm a big fan, you know, of, of, of your ex-wife. Uh, you know, I loved her work." He goes, "Yeah, I bet you're a big fan of cock too." (claps hands) Big laugh, you know. You know, like, I'm like, "Oh my God."
- JRJoe Rogan
Wow.
- NANarrator
So then finally, the only person laughing-
- JRJoe Rogan
Tommy Mottola dunked on you, got the biggest laugh in the room?
- NANarrator
Dunked. Crushed.
- JRJoe Rogan
(laughs)
- NANarrator
The only person laughing is Steve's son-
- JRJoe Rogan
(clears throat)
- NANarrator
... who's 30 years old, who's become a friend of mine. Josh, great guy. He's laughing in the corner. Not at my material, just 'cause he's like this... 'Cause he knew my podcast.
- JRJoe Rogan
Right.
Episode duration: 2:46:18
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