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The Joe Rogan ExperienceThe Joe Rogan Experience

Joe Rogan Experience #2333 - Protect Our Parks 15

Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, and Ari Shaffir are stand-up comics, writers, and podcasters. Shane is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Season two of his Netflix series, "Tires," premieres on June 5. ⁠https://www.shanemgillis.com⁠ Mark is the host of the "All Over the Road" podcast, and co-host of "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. Watch his stand-up special, "Soup to Nuts," on Netflix. https://⁠www.marknormandcomedy.com⁠ Ari is the host of the "You Be Trippin'" podcast. Watch his latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart," on Netflix.  https://⁠www.arishaffir.com⁠ Go to ⁠https://ExpressVPN.com/ROGANYT to get 4 months free! Tap into exclusive PPVs with an ESPN+ subscription

Ari ShaffirguestJoe RoganhostMark NormandguestShane Gillisguest
Jun 5, 20253h 11mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 1:02

    Ozempic jokes, gym consistency, and the “buff comic” dilemma

    1. AS

      (drum roll) Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

    2. NA

      The Joe Rogan Experience. (energetic music) Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

    3. JR

      All right, we're rolling.

    4. MN

      You're done.

    5. AS

      I forgot that-

    6. JR

      We're rolling. Don't do anything illegal.

    7. MN

      What are you on, the Ozempic?

    8. AS

      No. (laughs)

    9. MN

      Come on, everybody's on the Zem.

    10. SG

      I'm, I'm, I'm-

    11. AS

      That's why I need an arm.

    12. SG

      ... I think it's probably bad for you.

    13. JR

      It might be. Oh.

    14. MN

      100%.

    15. AS

      Yeah.

    16. SG

      It might, in the end, be bad for you.

    17. MN

      Curious to hear about-

    18. AS

      And there's also that part of me I can't bring myself to actually not work out.

    19. MN

      You look ripped.

    20. AS

      N- no, no, no. I do give a fuck though, I'll take Ozempic.

    21. JR

      You're allowed to work out on the Ozempic. You don't wanna talk about it, but look at those shoulders.

    22. MN

      Look at those guns.

    23. SG

      Look at those shoulders, dog. Those shoulders are coming in strong.

    24. AS

      You're not big, the only thing.

    25. MN

      Yeah.

    26. AS

      Don't hit me. Are you-

    27. JR

      You look, you look noticeably thicker. Like, noticeably thicker.

    28. MN

      Oh, yeah.

    29. AS

      That's what I, that's what I said to my trainer. He's like, "You wanna lose weight?" I said, "No."

    30. JR

      (laughs)

  2. 1:02 – 2:45

    What comics are “allowed” to joke about (fat jokes, fart jokes, and policing humor)

    1. MN

      Do you worry about the buff comedy, though? He don't wanna be the buff comic.

    2. AS

      I will never actually get in shape.

    3. JR

      Yeah, well, I very rarely wear a T-shirt on stage, if you don't know.

    4. MN

      That's true.

    5. AS

      Just go shirtless?

    6. JR

      Or anything tight. Shirtless is my move. (laughs)

    7. AS

      Yeah. (laughs)

    8. MN

      (laughs)

    9. JR

      I just, I just wanna look like a, a fucking champ.

    10. MN

      Take your shirt off like Hulk Hogan. (laughs)

    11. AS

      (laughs)

    12. MN

      Oh, that's fun. Start comedy.

    13. JR

      Yeah, Kreischer, when he started losing weight and he's getting jacked, I'm like, "That's... You're taking away from your act there, fella."

    14. AS

      (laughs)

    15. MN

      Exactly.

    16. JR

      You know? You, you look like a football player now.

    17. AS

      I don't-

    18. JR

      Like, Bert was getting some big, thick-ass shoulders.

    19. AS

      ... I also... I don't do the... a lot of fat jokes.

    20. JR

      No.

    21. AS

      If any.

    22. JR

      No.

    23. AS

      No, you don't really.

    24. MN

      Okay.

    25. JR

      You might-

    26. AS

      You might.

    27. JR

      ... make fun of yourself if it helps something.

    28. AS

      Yeah.

    29. JR

      It doesn't matter.

    30. MN

      But you're not fat enough.

  3. 2:45 – 3:32

    Table toys, nicotine ‘loosies,’ and The Why Files’ Hecklefish

    1. AS

      What's the hecklefish?

    2. JR

      Oh, that's from, um... You ever s- see that, uh, YouTube show The Why Files?

    3. MN

      No.

    4. JR

      It's a great fucking show. It's all about, like, fucking aliens and why you can't go into the Grand Canyon, and, you know, secret fucking temples and stuff like that. And, uh, AJ Gentile is the host, and then, uh, this is a fish that sits in the fish tank next to him and talks shit to him.

    5. NA

      And when I'm done, I will be a strict but fair lord of these lands, and my-

    6. JR

      (laughs)

    7. AS

      We went and fed that stuff to them right away. (laughs)

    8. MN

      It's like a juice.

    9. SG

      There's drugs. (laughs) It does, yeah. You can't say there's no drugs in it.

    10. JR

      Yeah.

    11. SG

      Hold up a fucking stuffed animal. (laughs)

    12. AS

      (laughs) Yeah.

    13. JR

      Hecklefish. (laughs)

    14. SG

      Guys, check this out.

    15. AS

      He put his nose on his forehead.

    16. SG

      He's trying to bite me.

    17. JR

      Well, the thing is, like, now everybody comes and they give me something for the table. That's, like, part of the fun.

    18. AS

      Oh, yeah?

    19. JR

      Like, I got this little, uh, Olmec head.

    20. SG

      That's sick.

    21. JR

      From Blue Caverns. Pretty dope.

    22. MN

      Cute.

  4. 3:32 – 5:17

    Aztec death whistle lore and freak accident head injuries

    1. JR

      I also got, uh, an Aztec death whistle. Do not blow it.

    2. AS

      I blew it. I blew it at Theo's.

    3. JR

      The last time... We, last time we had one of these and we blew it-

    4. SG

      You blew a death whistle on it, man? (laughs)

    5. AS

      Uh-huh.

    6. JR

      ... Callan blew it on the podcast, and the pandemic started a month later.

    7. MN

      (laughs)

    8. AS

      (laughs)

    9. JR

      I'm not kidding. Fucking LA was locked down. Everything had... People were, like, connecting it to the death whistle.

    10. MN

      It killed Bob Saget. (laughs)

    11. JR

      It was a conspiracy theory. Yeah. Oh, poor Bob. Sorry, you got me.

    12. AS

      (laughs)

    13. MN

      Ah, the death rattle.

    14. JR

      'Cause I think... That, that one drives me nuts.

    15. MN

      Yeah.

    16. AS

      Bob Saget does?

    17. JR

      Yeah, 'cause it's the same thing that happened to Heather McDonald. Blacked out, fell-

    18. SG

      Mm.

    19. JR

      ... smashed her head, died. She lived 'cause she was on stage, and luckily the guy did medical help.

    20. AS

      Padded floor. Rug, running offstage also.

    21. JR

      It was, it was fake?

    22. AS

      No, rug.

    23. JR

      Oh. No, she was... It was hardwood.

    24. SG

      I don't think there was a rug.

    25. JR

      Hardwood. Her head bounced.

    26. SG

      They bled a lot. I don't think there was a rug.

    27. JR

      I've seen that video 30 times.

    28. SG

      Yeah.

    29. JR

      It's hardwood.

    30. AS

      Yeah, I don't know.

  5. 5:17 – 6:36

    How jokes are discovered onstage (writing vs. performing)

    1. AS

      Do you ever get an accidental joke where you say something and everyone laughs? You're like, "Wha- Oh, I can see the double meaning on that."

    2. JR

      Yeah. (laughs)

    3. AS

      I'll, I'll, I'll pretend I meant that.

    4. SG

      Yeah, yeah.

    5. MN

      (laughs)

    6. JR

      Oh, yeah. Definitely. Well, that's the difference between, like, writing it and saying it, right? You write it and you're like, "I think I know how to go with this," and then you get on stage and say it and you're like, "Oh, that's the funny part."

    7. AS

      Yeah.

    8. MN

      Yeah.

    9. JR

      "This is, this is fucking ridiculous."

    10. SG

      (laughs)

    11. JR

      The fact that this exists is ridiculous.

    12. SG

      Yeah, I'm always embarrassed if I wrote something and then say it and it's not even close.

    13. AS

      (laughs)

    14. MN

      Oh.

    15. JR

      (laughs)

    16. SG

      And you're like, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

    17. MN

      It's crazy at this point.

    18. AS

      I'm sorry, guys.

    19. JR

      I always think of it as, like, a scaffolding. I'm like, "I don't know what's good until I get up there."

    20. MN

      Yeah, well, it's funny how when you're in your apartment, you're killing.

    21. JR

      Yeah.

    22. SG

      Yeah.

    23. MN

      You're like, "Man, this is good stuff."

    24. AS

      Yeah.

    25. MN

      And then when you get up there, you can, like, feel, "This won't work."

    26. JR

      (laughs)

    27. AS

      Right.

    28. SG

      (laughs)

    29. MN

      Yeah, right when you're on stage-

    30. AS

      Right when you start it-

  6. 6:36 – 9:35

    Oliver Anthony’s rise, record-deal warnings, and the divorce diss-track

    1. JR

      Like Oliver Anthony's new album.

    2. SG

      I haven't heard it.

    3. JR

      Bro...

    4. MN

      Really?

    5. JR

      Bro, there's a song... We're gonna play the song because-

    6. SG

      We cut?

    7. JR

      You can't play it on the air. So we'll play it-

    8. MN

      The same one you already sent me?

    9. JR

      Oh, yeah.

    10. MN

      I should have it already.

    11. JR

      We'll play it, and then we'll react to it. He... Okay, I'll tell you guys. Cut all this out. I'll tell you guys what happened. So Oliver Anthony has no money, right? He's poor. He's selling-

    12. MN

      What?

    13. JR

      ... farm equipment. He puts this song on YouTube. He's a fucking superstar, right? He doesn't know what to do. He freaks out. Um, he asks me for advice. I call him on the phone. We have a conversation for like a fucking hour where I go, "Don't sign anything with anybody." And he's like, "They're telling me I have to strike while the iron's hot." I go, "Bullshit. They're trying to steal money from you." I go-

    14. MN

      (laughs)

    15. JR

      ... "You're independent. You're already there. You already made it. I know if you wrote that song-"

    16. AS

      Yeah, Lisa Loeb.

    17. SG

      Yeah.

    18. JR

      I'm like, "If you wrote that song, you could write a dozen of those fucking songs. You don't need anybody." They're just... They're... He's like, "They're offering me $7 million." I go, "No, no, no. They're, they're offering to steal money from you for the rest of your life. That's what they're doing."

    19. MN

      Mm-hmm.

    20. JR

      I go, "You don't need them. You have talent." So cut to he starts making millions of dollars, doing arenas. The wife divorces him. She wants everything. She wants everything.

    21. MN

      Whoa.

    22. JR

      She wants more than half. She wants all the money that he's gonna be making in the future 'cause she was with him when he was broke. So she was... It's fucking cru-... He's just tortured, like-

    23. MN

      What a fucking idiot.

    24. JR

      ... wants to die.

    25. SG

      Lately.

    26. JR

      Wants to die. And he writes this song.

    27. MN

      Wow.

    28. AS

      Wait, the song you're about to play?

    29. JR

      Yes. He writes this song. You got it, Jamie?

    30. SG

      Yeah.

  7. 9:35 – 15:08

    Coffee cutoffs, sleep struggles, and Seroquel/Stanhope dosing horror stories

    1. AS

      What time is this? Before three, right?

    2. JR

      Yeah. Why? You want coffee?

    3. AS

      Yeah.

    4. JR

      A- At 3:00 PM you cut it off?

    5. AS

      It should start to slow down.

    6. JR

      Okay, Mr. Regimented.

    7. AS

      I won't sleep. Anyway, let's talk more about Lisa Loeb's pussy.

    8. JR

      You have a hard time sleeping?

    9. AS

      If I have too much of this.

    10. MN

      Same. I'm on the pills.

    11. JR

      That's hilarious.

    12. AS

      You're on what pills?

    13. MN

      Sleeping pills.

    14. JR

      Oh, no. Which ones?

    15. AS

      No, no. No, you gotta get on boner pills. They're way better.

    16. MN

      Uh, I'm taking an anti-schizophrenia thing.

    17. AS

      What?

    18. MN

      And it's... It's the only... Seroquel.

    19. AS

      Wow.

    20. SG

      I've taken that shit.

    21. MN

      Give that a good-

    22. SG

      That shit sucks.

    23. AS

      Wait, that's good sleep?

    24. MN

      That's the only thing that works for me.

    25. SG

      That fucking Stanhope gave me that way.

    26. JR

      That makes you go to sleep?

    27. MN

      Yeah.

    28. JR

      Antisych-... Yeah, it makes you sleepy for days.

    29. AS

      Wait, isn't that why-

    30. MN

      Oh, yeah.

  8. 15:08 – 25:07

    Cigars on the table and the ‘don’t inhale’ warning

    1. JR

      You guys want a big one or a little one?

    2. AS

      I'll take a little-y.

    3. JR

      You want a little, like a this one? Or like a, this one?

    4. MN

      I'll do a little J.

    5. AS

      Is that a Fuente? Is that a short story?

    6. JR

      These were all, these were all given to me by Jose Andres.

    7. MN

      Ooh.

    8. AS

      Is that a short, a short story?

    9. JR

      Uh, you know, maybe you know.

    10. AS

      I know. It's a Gari Shafir.

    11. JR

      A short story, that's what they're called? You want a short one? Like that?

    12. AS

      Let me see. Which one was it?

    13. MN

      I'm actually all right, I don't like any of them. But-

    14. AS

      Let me see all of them.

    15. JR

      Oh, you gotta choose.

    16. MN

      You don't know what the fuck that is.

    17. JR

      You gotta choose.

    18. AS

      Oh, this is the one. It's Open S.

    19. MN

      Ah.

    20. JR

      This is the high end version of this brand.

    21. MN

      Ugh. Ugh.

    22. JR

      They're all very, they're super legit. What do you want, Norm?

    23. AS

      The short stories are great though.

    24. MN

      I'll take a nice light one.

    25. AS

      You won't appreciate.

    26. JR

      That's a...

    27. MN

      That might be too heavy for me.

    28. JR

      No, fuck you. (laughs)

    29. AS

      Do a short story.

    30. JR

      I brought that one.

  9. 25:07 – 26:46

    Porn ID laws, VPN workarounds, and body-image/‘Ozempic face’ talk

    1. AS

      (laughs) It is crazy I can't watch porn here on my phone.

    2. JR

      That's a real fucking bummer.

    3. AS

      You can. You just have to take a photo of your ID- Oh, come on. (laughs)

    4. JR

      ... and send it to the company. What's the problem, Mark?

    5. AS

      (laughs)

    6. What am I, a migrant?

    7. JR

      We wanna know how into feet you really are.

    8. AS

      Why are some of these states doing that?

    9. JR

      (laughs)

    10. AS

      What, who is that? Tennessee also?

    11. I'm buying feet.

    12. (laughs)

    13. You know what I'm saying?

    14. We just wanna track you completely.

    15. JR

      It is.

    16. AS

      We wanna see what your search history is on Pornhub.

    17. JR

      It's a nice treat though. You go on the road, you go, "Oh, yeah."

    18. AS

      Yes, exactly.

    19. JR

      You guys are out in New York, you don't know- You don't know what it's like.

    20. AS

      It's all the tax-free states too. Florida, Tennessee. Florida I don't know. Tennessee for sure.

    21. JR

      It is a bummer, and the only way you find out is when you're doing your show-

    22. AS

      When you get on and you're like, "What?"

    23. JR

      ... in Tennessee there you go.

    24. AS

      Don't you guys know about ExpressVPN?

    25. Yeah.

    26. Get ExpressVPN. Say you're fucking phoning in from Thailand, you can see everything.

    27. Yeah. But then sometimes it goes like, "Uh, it's not registering right. It's not too..." I was like, "Come on."

    28. Come on.

    29. Just do it.

    30. JR

      Yeah.

  10. 26:46 – 28:26

    Trans/sex testing in women’s boxing, Greta’s Gaza boat jokes, and cause-of-the-week culture

    1. JR

      sketchy, man. 'Cause like, you gotta stay on that, bro.

    2. AS

      It's gotta be.

    3. JR

      You don't get on it and lose 100 pounds and then like, "All right, now I get it."

    4. AS

      Yeah.

    5. Big Jay is doing great.

    6. JR

      On Ozempic?

    7. AS

      He's slowly going.

    8. JR

      Yeah, no, he's skinny. He was-

    9. AS

      Yeah.

    10. JR

      ... he was just on the road with me this weekend.

    11. AS

      He's like slowly going down.

    12. JR

      How big is his head? What's his head look like?

    13. AS

      He got a normal head.

    14. JR

      It's okay. He's turned into... You can see that he's an old Jew now.

    15. AS

      Yeah.

    16. JR

      Ugh.

    17. AS

      (laughs)

    18. JR

      Before that, he was fat enough that you didn't really see all the Jewish features.

    19. AS

      Interesting.

    20. JR

      You know who said that? William Shatner.

    21. AS

      Now he's lost.

    22. JR

      William Shatner said it stays fat because it keeps the wrinkles away.

    23. AS

      Shatner?

    24. JR

      'Cause you, you get a plump face.

    25. AS

      (laughs)

    26. JR

      Captain motherfucking Kirk.

    27. AS

      Who's Shatner? Shatner.

    28. JR

      Shatner, whatever.

    29. AS

      (laughs)

    30. (laughs)

  11. 28:26 – 32:06

    Extreme history: Rockefellers, cannibalism stories, and ‘General Butt Naked’

    1. JR

      How about the dude who was a Rockefeller?

    2. AS

      Dangerous Minds. Dangerous Minds.

    3. JR

      The dude who was a Rockefeller who went to the Papua New Guinea tribe and they ate him?

    4. AS

      You know what? He fucked up.

    5. What?

    6. JR

      Wait. What was it-

    7. AS

      Yeah. Yeah, he fucked up because he said, "I'm actually very important where I am." They go, "Oh, that's m- that's more nutrients."

    8. JR

      No, no. What happened was-

    9. AS

      (laughs)

    10. JR

      ... he fucked up and was trying to get a sacred item from them and trying to buy it from them. And they didn't want to give it, and he was very insistent. And he, he apparently offended them deeply.

    11. AS

      Oh, there's a sandwich.

    12. JR

      And then when he returned they're like, "Oh, he's back." And they stabbed him when he was in the boat. They were taking him in the boat over there and they, they stuck him with a spear. And he's like, "Oh!"

    13. AS

      Oh, maybe they just- (screams)

    14. JR

      Screaming out and he, he cried. And then the guy who told the story, it's... There's a whole depiction of how he died.

    15. AS

      Pull it up.

    16. I read that-

    17. Apparently.

    18. ... it was because also like, he was an important man in America in another country and they're like, "That's, that's better to eat that. That's a good person to eat."

    19. JR

      I think the big thing was-

    20. AS

      They get their power.

    21. JR

      ... the offense.

    22. AS

      (laughs)

    23. Yeah.

    24. JR

      I think it was the offense, because they would've killed him the first time. But it was-

    25. AS

      Maybe they would've killed them and not eaten them.

    26. JR

      ... when he came back.

    27. AS

      Mm.

    28. JR

      Yeah. There's one, and I'm trying to remember who it is. It might've been a Rockefeller.

    29. AS

      What?

    30. JR

      Somebody, somebody's like kid went to Africa and paid to watch them cannibalize a kid.

  12. 32:06 – 32:50

    AI entertainment fears and “replacing NPC actors”

    1. JR

      How many fucking AI movies are gonna be made over the next year?

    2. SG

      Oh, they're coming.

    3. All of them. Let's get rid of the actors. I'm all for it.

    4. They're coming. Well, we don't have to hear from them. That'd be nice.

    5. Yeah, we don't have to hear from them. (laughs)

    6. Number here goes.

    7. JR

      All the mediocre actors, all the like CBS, like, uh, cop show actors-

    8. MN

      Yeah.

    9. JR

      ... who always played like the deputy. "We've got the papers, but we don't know if he did it yet." (laughs) You know that guy?

    10. SG

      (laughs) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    11. (laughs)

    12. JR

      That guy's gone. That guy's gone.

    13. SG

      (laughs)

    14. It's gone.

    15. JR

      All the NPCs are gone.

    16. SG

      They're looking real good. They can make a protect our parks AI, three hours long.

    17. JR

      Oh, 100%.

    18. SG

      Do it.

    19. MN

      So easy to replicate that. We replicate it every single episode. (laughs)

    20. SG

      Where are you gonna shoot it? (laughs) Just play Freebird. (laughs)

    21. Let's get these guys not at their best. Play Freebird 40 minutes in.

    22. Play Freebird. (laughs)

    23. Yeah, we'll do some Hitler stuff and then some...

    24. Get a pun in there.

    25. MN

      Get a couple of drinks into us and get some Hitler speeches going.

    26. SG

      Like, "Hey, ever play come out of the closet?" (laughs)

  13. 32:50 – 43:24

    Kanye edits, censored hits, and Little Richard’s original raunchy lyrics

    1. MN

      Oh, you know who we probably will play is that-

    2. JR

      Hey, is that-

    3. MN

      ... is that new Kanye.

    4. JR

      Kanye won the Hallelujah one? Is that real?

    5. SG

      He changed it. I was gonna say, he changed it.

    6. MN

      Ooh, Hallelujah?

    7. SG

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    8. JR

      Is that legit that he really did...

    9. MN

      He actually changed it?

    10. SG

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    11. JR

      Yeah, he changed, he made a Hallelujah one.

    12. SG

      Just another version I would say.

    13. Of the same song?

    14. JR

      Yeah, but it's-

    15. MN

      Hallelujah.

    16. SG

      Yeah.

    17. JR

      ... but it's not.

    18. MN

      Is that, is that... That's hilarious.

    19. JR

      It's like All My Brothers Christians Hallelujah.

    20. SG

      They still have the N-word in it?

    21. JR

      Nay. I do not believe so.

    22. SG

      Ah, boo.

    23. JR

      I don't know. Does it, Jamie?

    24. SG

      I didn't listen to the whole thing.

    25. Mm-hmm.

    26. JR

      I think it's brothers. He says brothers.

    27. SG

      Oh, okay.

    28. JR

      That song was the craziest song anybody's ever put out.

    29. MN

      That was the craziest song I've ever heard.

    30. JR

      Have we talked about that on this?

  14. 43:24 – 49:31

    Coyotes, deer antler rescues, and why outdoor cats are little killers

    1. SG

      You ever see those guys that... Like, a moose, like, when they shake their fucking antlers off? What's that called?

    2. JR

      Oh, yeah, shedding.

    3. SG

      Shed... Yeah.

    4. MN

      Whoa.

    5. SG

      I could've got that.

    6. JR

      It's crazy.

    7. SG

      Fuck.

    8. MN

      (laughs)

    9. SG

      I could've got shedding.

    10. MN

      Pull it up.

    11. JR

      Giant paddles. It's hilarious. Yeah, giant paddles.

    12. SG

      It, like, surprises them.

    13. MN

      Really?

    14. JR

      And then, then they're free because it... All that weight. You know how much those things weigh? Those are bone.

    15. MN

      But it's basically a weapon, right? That's why they have it.

    16. JR

      So this is a... These two deer are locked.

    17. SG

      Oh, oh.

    18. MN

      Oh.

    19. SG

      So they're trying to shoot it?

    20. JR

      Yeah, you gotta... This guy's gonna shoot the antlers off. He's gonna separate them.

    21. MN

      Yeah, he gets to shoot... What the fuck?

    22. JR

      So he's gotta do that with a shotgun. He's just gotta get a good shot.

    23. SG

      So only he's gonna shoot the antlers and not them?

    24. JR

      Yeah, not them. He's an expert.

    25. SG

      Oh.

    26. JR

      He's a really good shot.

    27. SG

      Because he's in the snow. This guy's a man.

    28. JR

      And he's real close, so all he has to do is, like, clip one of the antlers and it'll blow him all apart.

    29. MN

      Chase the antler.

    30. SG

      No way, he got this.

  15. 49:31 – 1:14:04

    Coyote ‘honey-dicking,’ Mormons, caffeine loopholes, and soaking

    1. SG

      ... my dog got honey-dicked by a coyote and tricked into breaking into the chicken coop? Yes.

    2. MN

      Wait, honey-dicked? What? Huh?

    3. JR

      Yeah, this, this coyote became-

    4. MN

      Can't touch him.

    5. JR

      ... his friend. He was this big Mastiff. And the cyo- the coyotes knew they couldn't eat him, because he was huge, so they became friends with him.

    6. MN

      Hmm.

    7. JR

      So he thought they were dogs. And so, uh, the coyote hopped the fence. It's like, "Hey, you know, there's a chicken in there and we can get in there."

    8. MN

      Oh.

    9. JR

      And he's like, "I can get in there."

    10. MN

      (laughs)

    11. JR

      So he fucking tears open the chicken coop, because he could at any time he wanted to. The coyote grabs it, and the coyote hopped over the fence. I watched the coyote hop over a six-foot wrought iron fence like it was nothing. (whistling)

    12. MN

      That's awesome.

    13. JR

      He leaped up in the air, touched the top of the fence with his feet, and then put his back feet on and hopped over with a chicken in his mouth.

    14. MN

      It's like a Mexican.

    15. SG

      Wow.

    16. JR

      I was like, "I am under-"

    17. MN

      You saw it taking the chicken?

    18. JR

      No, I just saw the chick-... We were playing-

    19. MN

      It's a good time.

    20. JR

      ... I was playing a board game with my family in the living room, and one of my kids-

    21. SG

      (laughs)

    22. JR

      ... yelled out-

    23. MN

      Like, gavish? (laughs)

    24. JR

      One of my kids yelled out, "It's a coyote." And then you see this fucking coyote run across the backyard with a chicken in his mouth, just get to that fucking fence and leap. It, like... It flew. Like, it was... Like, gravity wasn't real.

    25. MN

      Were you, like- were you, like, impressed or were you mad?

    26. JR

      Super impressed.

    27. SG

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    28. MN

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    29. JR

      Well, it's like, that... You can't be mad. I was mad. I wanted it... kill it. But it's like, that's- that's what they do.

    30. SG

      Yeah.

Episode duration: 3:11:16

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