Gillis & Normand on Joe Rogan: How Porn Language Outs a Hoax

1. 0:02 – 0:45

   Protect Our Parks returns: running jokes, drinking, and repeating the formula

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:02

      Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

   2. JRJoe Rogan0:04

      The Joe Rogan Experience.

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. [upbeat music]

   4. SPSpeaker0:12

      Wow.

   5. SGShane Gillis0:12

      Let's go.

   6. SPSpeaker0:14

      Wow.

   7. SGShane Gillis0:14

      We're back, boys.

   8. SPSpeaker0:15

      Oh, we're back.

   9. SGShane Gillis0:16

      We're back.

   10. SPSpeaker0:16

       We are back.

   11. SGShane Gillis0:17

       We're Comedy Oasis.

   12. SPSpeaker0:19

       That's right. [laughs]

   13. SGShane Gillis0:20

       What's the story, morning glory?

   14. SPSpeaker0:21

       [laughs]

   15. SGShane Gillis0:21

       It's been almost a year.

   16. SPSpeaker0:23

       Wow, it's flying by. What are we, 12 now? Is this the 12th episode?

   17. SGShane Gillis0:27

       I don't know. I think we're way-

   18. SPSpeaker0:28

       Or 16 maybe?

   19. SGShane Gillis0:28

       Yeah.

   20. SPSpeaker0:29

       What? Damn, that's a lot of drinking.

   21. SGShane Gillis0:31

       How many times have we played Free B- Free Bird?

   22. SPSpeaker0:33

       Oh, we're playing it again.

   23. SGShane Gillis0:34

       [laughs]

   24. SPSpeaker0:35

       We're playing it.

   25. SGShane Gillis0:36

       Over 75%.

   26. SPSpeaker0:36

       We're gonna go with the exact same episode we always do.

   27. SGShane Gillis0:38

       [laughs]

   28. SPSpeaker0:38

       Yeah, we're gonna talk, we're gonna talk about coming out of the closet.

   29. SGShane Gillis0:41

       [laughs]

   30. SPSpeaker0:41

       Play Metallica.
2. 0:45 – 3:32

   The “cannons” lawsuit: smutty harassment claims and why it sounded fake

   1. SGShane Gillis0:45

      So it turns out that that lady, that, that was a scam. That was fake. The lady who, uh-

   2. SPSpeaker0:49

      What?

   3. SGShane Gillis0:50

      ... forced the guy to fuck her. It... Was it JP Morgan?

   4. SPSpeaker0:52

      What?

   5. SGShane Gillis0:53

      Yeah.

   6. SPSpeaker0:53

      Jesus.

   7. SGShane Gillis0:53

      Wasn't real.

   8. SPSpeaker0:54

      She was hot.

   9. SGShane Gillis0:55

      Yeah, I know.

   10. SPSpeaker0:56

       Was that in the last one we did?

   11. SGShane Gillis0:57

       Jamie said-

   12. SPSpeaker0:57

       No, no

   13. SGShane Gillis0:57

       ... it's fake, right?

   14. SPSpeaker0:58

       Oh.

   15. SGShane Gillis0:58

       It's fake?

   16. MNMark Normand0:59

       Yeah, the news is going around that it's, like, there was, like, a... The lawsuit is not accurate apparently. It's, like, a retaliatory lawsuit.

   17. SGShane Gillis1:06

       So he just claimed that she said all those things-

   18. SPSpeaker1:09

       Oh

   19. SGShane Gillis1:09

       ... and she made him fuck her.

   20. SPSpeaker1:10

       Damn.

   21. SGShane Gillis1:10

       What a pussy.

   22. SPSpeaker1:11

       He's... Wait, is he an Indian guy?

   23. SGShane Gillis1:13

       I believe so.

   24. SPSpeaker1:13

       Yeah, gross.

   25. SGShane Gillis1:14

       It, it does read like an Indian guy, now that I'm thinking about it.

   26. SPSpeaker1:16

       Like a scam?

   27. SGShane Gillis1:17

       Like the horniest guy ever. [laughs]

   28. SPSpeaker1:19

       [laughs]

   29. MNMark Normand1:19

       [laughs]

   30. SGShane Gillis1:19

       Just coming up with the hottest scene.
3. 3:32 – 7:16

   Reporter affairs, RFK texts, and “romantic” messages that sound like literature

   1. MNMark Normand3:32

      [laughs] There's been a string of middle, uh, middle-aged whores going around lately. Have you noticed that?

   2. SPSpeaker3:36

      Love it. It's back.

   3. MNMark Normand3:36

      It's back. Like, the-

   4. SPSpeaker3:37

      It's back

   5. MNMark Normand3:37

      ... the reporter chick who's been banging the football coach. Uh, Kristi Noem was cheating on that guy with the tits.

   6. SGShane Gillis3:44

      Well, that guy with the tits was fucking-

   7. SPSpeaker3:46

      God, those tits rocks.

   8. SGShane Gillis3:47

      That was crazy

   9. SPSpeaker3:47

      ... those are cannons.

   10. SGShane Gillis3:48

       Yeah.

   11. MNMark Normand3:49

       Yeah.

   12. SPSpeaker3:49

       The chick who wrote the RFK article that had a deeply emotional relationship with him.

   13. MNMark Normand3:53

       Oh, really?

   14. SPSpeaker3:53

       Yeah. Then, and then there was a-

   15. SGShane Gillis3:54

       But it was just texting

   16. SPSpeaker3:55

       ... that was a second one. It was crazy. Then there was a second one she had like that. She, she likes to get to know her subjects.

   17. SGShane Gillis4:01

       The texts-

   18. SPSpeaker4:02

       Bro

   19. SGShane Gillis4:02

       ... the texts were wild, though.

   20. SPSpeaker4:03

       Deeply emotional.

   21. MNMark Normand4:04

       Really? Pull 'em up.

   22. SGShane Gillis4:05

       Ba- both back and forth?

   23. SPSpeaker4:06

       Uh, his-

   24. SGShane Gillis4:07

       His version was wild?

   25. SPSpeaker4:07

       I think... Wait, this is a while ago, right?

   26. SGShane Gillis4:09

       Yeah, it was a couple years ago.

   27. SPSpeaker4:10

       Yeah, it was something like, "Let my river flow into your..."

   28. MNMark Normand4:12

       Ooh.

   29. SPSpeaker4:13

       It was, it was odd.

   30. MNMark Normand4:14

       It's like a Dave Matthews song.
4. 7:16 – 15:42

   Trump assassination attempt talk: security failures, conspiracies, and the time-traveler tweet

   1. SGShane Gillis7:16

      Well, Trump almost got a shot the other day.

   2. SGShane Gillis7:19

      Isn't that crazy?

   3. ASAri Shaffir7:19

      What happened?

   4. SGShane Gillis7:20

      Crazy.

   5. SGShane Gillis7:20

      That's the third assassination attempt on that dude.

   6. ASAri Shaffir7:22

      The fucking guy run, ran through- [laughs]

   7. SGShane Gillis7:24

      You didn't see this?

   8. ASAri Shaffir7:25

      I- so Bobby Kahn mentioned it in passing.

   9. SGShane Gillis7:27

      You didn't know about the assassination attempt?

   10. ASAri Shaffir7:28

       Not really.

   11. SGShane Gillis7:29

       It was at the White House Press Correspondents Dinner.

   12. SGShane Gillis7:31

       Where Reagan got shot.

   13. ASAri Shaffir7:32

       With, was it Michelle Wolf?

   14. SGShane Gillis7:33

       He got shot at that.

   15. SGShane Gillis7:33

       Same hotel.

   16. ASAri Shaffir7:34

       Oh, really?

   17. SGShane Gillis7:35

       Oh, wow. That hotel.

   18. SGShane Gillis7:35

       So that must've been, Tripadvisor must be rough on that one. [laughs]

   19. ASAri Shaffir7:38

       At the Correspondents Dinner. Did, was there a comedian there?

   20. SGShane Gillis7:40

       No, it was-

   21. SGShane Gillis7:41

       Oz the Mentalist

   22. SGShane Gillis7:42

       ... it was Bo the Mentalist, yeah.

   23. SGShane Gillis7:43

       Oz the Mentalist was the host.

   24. SGShane Gillis7:44

       You'd think he would've saw it coming.

   25. SGShane Gillis7:46

       You'd think.

   26. SGShane Gillis7:47

       Ah!

   27. ASAri Shaffir7:48

       He probably kept his mouth shut. He's like, "I think we're gonna go attack two more Arab countries."

   28. SGShane Gillis7:52

       [laughs]

   29. SGShane Gillis7:52

       You know what's hilarious? Metzger goes, "Did you see the fake assassination attempt?"

   30. SGShane Gillis7:57

       [laughs]
5. 15:42 – 17:40

   Hinckley’s music, file-dump cynicism, and MKUltra’s darkest proven stories

   1. SPSpeaker15:42

      They're gonna release some K Ultra files this week, I think.

   2. SGShane Gillis15:45

      Yeah, I bet.

   3. SPSpeaker15:45

      Are they?

   4. SPSpeaker15:45

      I mean-

   5. SGShane Gillis15:46

      I bet.

   6. ASAri Shaffir15:47

      Yeah, right

   7. SPSpeaker15:47

      ... UFO files.

   8. SGShane Gillis15:48

      They were supposed to release UFO files.

   9. ASAri Shaffir15:49

      A lot of black lines coming in that one.

   10. SPSpeaker15:51

       Yeah.

   11. SGShane Gillis15:51

       Yeah, whatever happened to the fucking UFO files? What, did they-

   12. ASAri Shaffir15:53

       Did they do Kennedy yet? Is Kennedy out?

   13. SGShane Gillis15:56

       No.

   14. ASAri Shaffir15:56

       What? He-

   15. SPSpeaker15:58

       What, JFK?

   16. ASAri Shaffir15:59

       Yeah.

   17. SGShane Gillis15:59

       Yeah.

   18. ASAri Shaffir15:59

       Turns out there was-

   19. SGShane Gillis16:00

       Some stuff in there that we couldn't see.

   20. ASAri Shaffir16:02

       Yeah.

   21. SPSpeaker16:02

       CIA.

   22. ASAri Shaffir16:04

       Yep. Maybe some other ones.

   23. SGShane Gillis16:07

       Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna launches house hearings on MKUltra next month. I-

   24. SPSpeaker16:12

       What is that, a gang?

   25. SGShane Gillis16:14

       No. [laughs]

   26. ASAri Shaffir16:14

       I did see MKUltra.

   27. SGShane Gillis16:16

       What's MKUltra? You don't know what that is?

   28. SPSpeaker16:17

       No.

   29. SGShane Gillis16:17

       That's the mind control experiments that the CIA did in the 1960s, '70s.

   30. ASAri Shaffir16:20

       On just people going to hookers.
6. 17:40 – 28:25

   Legal prostitution, handjob logistics, and what a ‘free market’ would do to dating

   1. SGShane Gillis17:40

      How many marriages would completely dissolve if prostitution was totally legal?

   2. SPSpeaker17:45

      Uh...

   3. ASAri Shaffir17:46

      It'd be a lot easier to do.

   4. SPSpeaker17:47

      Are they talking? That's the thing.

   5. SGShane Gillis17:49

      Are the p- the hookers talking?

   6. SPSpeaker17:50

      Yeah.

   7. ASAri Shaffir17:50

      No, but guys are bad at covering up.

   8. SGShane Gillis17:52

      Different ones. It's like Uber ratings, you know?

   9. SPSpeaker17:54

      Oh, that would be bad.

   10. SGShane Gillis17:54

       You know what I'm saying? Like, some Uber drivers, they won't shut the fuck up. They wanna play music.

   11. SPSpeaker17:57

       I would never wanna see my passenger score.

   12. SPSpeaker17:59

       Yeah.

   13. ASAri Shaffir18:00

       [laughs]

   14. SPSpeaker18:00

       I don't want an XL either.

   15. SGShane Gillis18:01

       Oh.

   16. SPSpeaker18:01

       [laughs]

   17. SGShane Gillis18:02

       Fuck. Oh.

   18. ASAri Shaffir18:04

       From prostitutes?

   19. SGShane Gillis18:05

       Yeah.

   20. SPSpeaker18:05

       That's bad.

   21. SGShane Gillis18:05

       You know, but I mean, if they, if they made prostitution completely legal-

   22. ASAri Shaffir18:08

       Yeah

   23. SGShane Gillis18:09

       ... and then they had scores, do you not think gals would do it? I think they would. I think there'd be plenty of gals that would sign up.

   24. ASAri Shaffir18:15

       Ratings? Yeah.

   25. SGShane Gillis18:15

       Plenty of girls.

   26. SPSpeaker18:15

       But they're doing it now.

   27. SGShane Gillis18:16

       If prostitution was open and honest-

   28. ASAri Shaffir18:17

       They're doing it now, and it's illegal

   29. SGShane Gillis18:18

       ... how so? Oh, yeah, they are. There's some online form.

   30. ASAri Shaffir18:21

       So of course if you took down the barriers-
7. 28:25 – 37:10

   Rock music’s decline and psychedelic concert stories (Oasis, Dead, Roger Waters)

   1. SGShane Gillis28:25

      Bro, that fucking concert in Moscow.

   2. ASAri Shaffir28:27

      For who? The Bell Tolls? 100-

   3. SGShane Gillis28:28

      Yeah, it's the best ever

   4. ASAri Shaffir28:28

      ... thousand people.

   5. SGShane Gillis28:28

      That is the greatest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

   6. ASAri Shaffir28:31

      We're gonna watch it later again.

   7. MNMark Normand28:32

      Yeah, it'll do it.

   8. ASAri Shaffir28:32

      We'll watch it again.

   9. SGShane Gillis28:33

      Fuck yeah. Norman, don't be scared of the repeating.

   10. MNMark Normand28:35

       It's gonna be a loop of, of that shit.

   11. SGShane Gillis28:37

       Fine. That's fine.

   12. MNMark Normand28:38

       Fine.

   13. SGShane Gillis28:38

       It's the sickest shit that ever happened.

   14. MNMark Normand28:39

       People haven't listened to this song in a year.

   15. SGShane Gillis28:41

       It's the sickest shit. [laughs]

   16. ASAri Shaffir28:41

       It's a yearly reminder that, like, oh, this is sick.

   17. SGShane Gillis28:42

       We're gonna close out with a live Free Bird from '77.

   18. MNMark Normand28:45

       Oh.

   19. SGShane Gillis28:45

       Fuck you. [laughs]

   20. MNMark Normand28:49

       [laughs]

   21. ASAri Shaffir28:49

       [laughs]

   22. SGShane Gillis28:49

       Could you get me a beer? Here it is. Look at this.

   23. MNMark Normand28:52

       Oh, God.

   24. SGShane Gillis28:52

       We're doing it again.

   25. MNMark Normand28:53

       Bro, come on.

   26. SGShane Gillis28:54

       Jamie, why'd you do that?

   27. MNMark Normand28:55

       Deja Jew.

   28. SGShane Gillis28:56

       Come on.

   29. MNMark Normand28:56

       Save the music for later.

   30. ASAri Shaffir28:57

       It's just slow.
8. 37:10 – 49:52

   Brock Lesnar’s genetics rabbit hole and the Jackass pain Olympics

   1. SGShane Gillis37:10

      "You animals."

   2. SGShane Gillis37:10

      ThisBro

   3. JRJoe Rogan37:25

      No, wait till you see it

   4. SGShane Gillis37:26

      ... she's a fucking-

   5. JRJoe Rogan37:27

      That thing?

   6. ASAri Shaffir37:29

      No

   7. SGShane Gillis37:29

      ... athlete

   8. JRJoe Rogan37:29

      Oh, shot put. That's her

   9. SGShane Gillis37:31

      She throws that iron ball

   10. ASAri Shaffir37:32

       [laughs]

   11. JRJoe Rogan37:32

       Basketball

   12. ASAri Shaffir37:32

       What did you think? [laughs] He thought it was shooting a gun. No

   13. SGShane Gillis37:34

       Bro, she's-

   14. JRJoe Rogan37:35

       Skeet shoot

   15. ASAri Shaffir37:35

       But she looks a lot like him

   16. SGShane Gillis37:36

       ... she's a fucking-

   17. JRJoe Rogan37:36

       Oh!

   18. SGShane Gillis37:37

       You gotta see her

   19. ASAri Shaffir37:37

       They're related. They're definitely related

   20. JRJoe Rogan37:38

       God

   21. SGShane Gillis37:38

       Watch her-

   22. ASAri Shaffir37:39

       [laughs]

   23. JRJoe Rogan37:39

       Yeah

   24. SGShane Gillis37:40

       ... 100%. Look at those genes

   25. JRJoe Rogan37:41

       Or that was Hulk Hogan

   26. SGShane Gillis37:41

       But watch the video. So go to, get to a-

   27. ASAri Shaffir37:44

       Jesus

   28. SGShane Gillis37:44

       ... see if you can find a video of her throwing it

   29. ASAri Shaffir37:46

       I would not talk shit, Mark. Mark's talking shit

   30. JRJoe Rogan37:47

       So she's a beautiful, sturdy lady, woman
9. 49:52 – 55:44

   Streamers provoking strangers, viral violence, and the ‘looksmaxing’ madness

   1. SGShane Gillis49:52

      Yeah. There's this one with, uh, Tiki. Tiki fought for the UFC. He's like a top level trainer, manages fighters. And this, uh, streamer kid is in his face telling him he's gonna fuck him up. And Ti- Tiki's like, "Oh, really?" And he's like, "Yeah, I'll fuck you up for sure." And then he, like, moves too close to him, and T- Tiki just cracks him

   2. SGShane Gillis50:08

      Is that the elbow?

   3. SGShane Gillis50:09

      No, I think he punched him.

   4. ASAri Shaffir50:10

      Oh, okay

   5. SGShane Gillis50:10

      I don't know if he elbowed him or punch. It's so hard to tell 'cause it happened so fast

   6. ASAri Shaffir50:13

      Mm-hmm

   7. SGShane Gillis50:14

      But it's like the dude's in his fa- and this is a dude that... This guy, watch this

   8. SGShane Gillis50:17

      Oh, yeah

   9. SGShane Gillis50:17

      And he's got a drink in his handYeah, it's the elbow

   10. JRJoe Rogan50:20

       Damn

   11. SGShane Gillis50:20

       Is it an elbow? Slow that down a little bit

   12. JRJoe Rogan50:21

       That was right on the jaw

   13. SGShane Gillis50:23

       Let's... It either is a punch or an elbow. It's hard to say, 'cause it happened so fast.

   14. JRJoe Rogan50:26

       Ooh

   15. SGShane Gillis50:26

       Yeah, it's an elbow. Nice elbow

   16. ASAri Shaffir50:28

       He dropped the drink. What did he say to him?

   17. SGShane Gillis50:29

       Nice elbow

   18. ASAri Shaffir50:30

       To get him to-

   19. JRJoe Rogan50:30

       You sure that was an elbow?

   20. SGShane Gillis50:31

       He said he was gonna-

   21. JRJoe Rogan50:32

       Oh, yeah

   22. SGShane Gillis50:32

       ... fuck him up

   23. JRJoe Rogan50:33

       Wow

   24. SGShane Gillis50:34

       He said he's gonna slap him. "I'll slap the shit outta you." Something like that

   25. JRJoe Rogan50:37

       Now-

   26. SGShane Gillis50:37

       But-

   27. JRJoe Rogan50:37

       ... is, is that just cause?

   28. SGShane Gillis50:39

       ... that is the r- yeah, that is the wrong guy to fuck with

   29. JRJoe Rogan50:41

       Right

   30. SGShane Gillis50:41

       Like, Tiki's really good
10. 55:44 – 1:00:42

    White House/Oval Office stories and the surveillance-state creep (FISA, car AI, Signal)

    1. JRJoe Rogan55:44

       Joe Rogan's back Yeah

    2. SGShane Gillis55:46

       I'm back. Eight months off the sauce

    3. JRJoe Rogan55:49

       Wow

    4. SGShane Gillis55:49

       Moder- moderation is what he-

    5. ASAri Shaffir55:50

       He went on a, he went on a-

    6. SGShane Gillis55:51

       Moderation is the key

    7. ASAri Shaffir55:52

       He went on a drinking-

    8. SGShane Gillis55:52

       Now that I'm back in Austin, I'm-

    9. ASAri Shaffir55:53

       ... a drinking, uh, withdrawal until Trump said you could do mushrooms as well. And then he goes, "Okay, fine. Fine, I'll drink."

    10. SGShane Gillis55:59

        [laughs]

    11. JRJoe Rogan55:59

        What was that like, beating the oval off?

    12. SGShane Gillis56:01

        Pretty fucking strange. The whole thing was strange. How about sending him a text message explaining everything to him, and him saying, "Let's do it"?

    13. ASAri Shaffir56:07

        Wow

    14. JRJoe Rogan56:08

        Whoa

    15. SGShane Gillis56:09

        Dude, let's do it, and then the next day he sees me-

    16. ASAri Shaffir56:11

        I think that's his problem. He keeps saying, "Yeah, let's do it"

    17. SGShane Gillis56:13

        [laughs]

    18. JRJoe Rogan56:14

        [laughs]

    19. ASAri Shaffir56:14

        He's getting texts from BB, he goes, "Yeah, fuck it"

    20. JRJoe Rogan56:16

        Yeah [laughs]

    21. SGShane Gillis56:17

        It always works out for me

    22. ASAri Shaffir56:19

        Shut down the street. Who gives a fuck?

    23. SGShane Gillis56:21

        Yeah. He, he showed up at the, uh, UFC event. He shakes my hand. He goes, "It's done"And then a week later we were in the White House with all the vets

    24. JRJoe Rogan56:28

        Damn.

    25. SGShane Gillis56:28

        All those vets that had taken ibogaine and saved their life.

    26. JRJoe Rogan56:31

        Yeah.

    27. ASAri Shaffir56:31

        You should have had... Okay, it's a missed opportunity. You should have had all those vets and then a couple, like, dreadlocked white guys who are also like, "This is gonna help me a lot too." [laughs]

    28. SGShane Gillis56:39

        "This is gonna fucking rule."

    29. JRJoe Rogan56:40

        [laughs]

    30. SGShane Gillis56:40

        I should've had Duncan.
11. 1:00:42 – 1:13:41

    Epstein note rumors, prison muscle cellmates, and retaliation politics (Comey, ICE/NICE)

    1. JRJoe Rogan1:00:42

       Here's a fun story today.

    2. ASAri Shaffir1:00:43

       What, that guy? He's not alive.

    3. SGShane Gillis1:00:44

       Suicide note purportedly written by Jeffrey Epstein weeks before his death in jail has been kept secret for years-

    4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:49

       Why?

    5. SGShane Gillis1:00:49

       ... locked up in a courthouse. That means investigators scrutinizing his death lacked what could have been a key piece of evidence.

    6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:54

       Hmm.

    7. ASAri Shaffir1:00:54

       Hmm.

    8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:54

       Soon, in the last hour, they're saying there's a, an, a, a note they found that just-

    9. ASAri Shaffir1:00:57

       There's a brand-new note for us

    10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:59

        ... yeah, just all of a sudden exists. No one's s- they haven't shown it or said what it says. They're just, everyone's now reporting-

    11. SGShane Gillis1:01:05

        Well, how about the fucking-

    12. JRJoe Rogan1:01:06

        ... there's a note

    13. SGShane Gillis1:01:07

        ... autopsy that says that his prostate was unremarkable, but meanwhile, he had his prostate removed?

    14. JRJoe Rogan1:01:12

        Oh, boy.

    15. SGShane Gillis1:01:14

        There's a lot of people that don't even believe he died.

    16. ASAri Shaffir1:01:15

        I think he's alive.

    17. SGShane Gillis1:01:16

        I think he might be.

    18. ASAri Shaffir1:01:17

        I think they just face-offed him, and he's living a good life somewhere.

    19. JRJoe Rogan1:01:20

        You just think they changed him.

    20. SGShane Gillis1:01:21

        Hmm.

    21. ASAri Shaffir1:01:22

        Yeah, I think that all the people that all go to that stuff, they're like, "Don't worry. If we kill you, then we're all worried about ourselves."

    22. SGShane Gillis1:01:26

        Right.

    23. ASAri Shaffir1:01:26

        "We're just gonna relocate you."

    24. JRJoe Rogan1:01:28

        Israel.

    25. ASAri Shaffir1:01:28

        Israel, maybe.

    26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:29

        That's what I heard from Metzger. [laughs]

    27. ASAri Shaffir1:01:31

        From Metzger. It wouldn't be Israel. He'd live somewhere like-

    28. SGShane Gillis1:01:34

        Why wouldn't he live in Israel? That's the place where he's most protected.

    29. ASAri Shaffir1:01:36

        It'd be like Cambodia, Germany.

    30. SGShane Gillis1:01:38

        No, they'll kill him in Cambodia. You gotta live in Israel.
12. 1:13:41 – 1:21:20

    Why US healthcare feels like a scam: costs, drug pricing, and mental health failures

    1. ASAri Shaffir1:13:41

       How come we can't get free healthcare?

    2. SPSpeaker1:13:43

       Yeah, right?

    3. ASAri Shaffir1:13:44

       Why don't we do that?

    4. SPSpeaker1:13:45

       What the hell? I'm paying out the ass.

    5. ASAri Shaffir1:13:46

       Yeah. Why can't we do that?

    6. SGShane Gillis1:13:47

       I bet if they took all the money from fraud, it would pay for healthcare 10 times over.

    7. ASAri Shaffir1:13:50

       Or in Ukraine or Israel.

    8. SGShane Gillis1:13:52

       Oh, yeah.

    9. ASAri Shaffir1:13:53

       Why not?

    10. SGShane Gillis1:13:53

        Yeah. Right.

    11. SPSpeaker1:13:54

        Well, that's what's annoying, all these politicians are like-

    12. ASAri Shaffir1:13:55

        Afghanistan

    13. SPSpeaker1:13:55

        ... "If we get this much money, we can cure this."

    14. ASAri Shaffir1:13:57

        Yeah, let me ask you this.

    15. SPSpeaker1:13:58

        I'm like, "You have all this money. What are you doing?"

    16. ASAri Shaffir1:13:59

        Small, yeah.

    17. SGShane Gillis1:13:59

        I think 100% free healthcare would be an awesome thing, but you'd also want doctors to be incentivized to be really good at their jobs.

    18. SPSpeaker1:14:07

        For sure, but also-

    19. SGShane Gillis1:14:08

        So you want, like, a doctor-

    20. ASAri Shaffir1:14:09

        They're, they're not now

    21. SGShane Gillis1:14:09

        ... get one, the guy that did your knee and did my knee-

    22. ASAri Shaffir1:14:12

        No

    23. SGShane Gillis1:14:12

        ... that's a, he's a bad-

    24. SPSpeaker1:14:13

        Private

    25. SGShane Gillis1:14:13

        ... bad motherfucker. Right

    26. ASAri Shaffir1:14:14

        Why can't we have, why can't we have universal healthcare and private doctors?

    27. SGShane Gillis1:14:16

        Yes.

    28. ASAri Shaffir1:14:16

        Yeah.

    29. SGShane Gillis1:14:16

        We should be able to have both of those things.

    30. SPSpeaker1:14:18

        Mm.
13. 1:21:20 – 1:56:43

    Fame, money, stealing, and the comedy economy: views, arenas, and building an act

    1. SGShane Gillis1:21:20

       As soon as they-

    2. ASAri Shaffir1:21:20

       ... and Mark the most.

    3. MNMark Normand1:21:21

       Yeah. Yeah. I love to steal.

    4. ASAri Shaffir1:21:22

       Yeah, you steal.

    5. SGShane Gillis1:21:23

       [laughs]

    6. MNMark Normand1:21:24

       [laughs]

    7. ASAri Shaffir1:21:24

       Why are you locking it up?

    8. MNMark Normand1:21:25

       You fucking steal.

    9. ASAri Shaffir1:21:25

       Now you gotta call the... You gotta do this-

    10. MNMark Normand1:21:27

        You steal?

    11. ASAri Shaffir1:21:27

        ... before you about to steal.

    12. MNMark Normand1:21:27

        Wow.

    13. SGShane Gillis1:21:28

        Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

    14. MNMark Normand1:21:28

        I got a problem.

    15. ASAri Shaffir1:21:29

        A little bit.

    16. MNMark Normand1:21:29

        Just at, like, airports and stuff.

    17. SGShane Gillis1:21:31

        Little shoplifting.

    18. ASAri Shaffir1:21:31

        Nah, movie theaters. You do everywhere.

    19. SGShane Gillis1:21:33

        Movie theaters.

    20. ASAri Shaffir1:21:33

        Come on, don't sell yourself short.

    21. SGShane Gillis1:21:34

        They're gonna watch you now.

    22. ASAri Shaffir1:21:35

        You eat leftovers.

    23. MNMark Normand1:21:36

        I got sticky fingers.

    24. ASAri Shaffir1:21:37

        You steal everything.

    25. SGShane Gillis1:21:37

        He's doing just-

    26. ASAri Shaffir1:21:38

        You steal food off people's plates

    27. SGShane Gillis1:21:39

        ... just for a thrill?

    28. MNMark Normand1:21:40

        A little bit of a thrill. Can I get the Winona Ryder thing?

    29. ASAri Shaffir1:21:42

        Well, it's cheaper, too.

    30. SGShane Gillis1:21:43

        Yeah.

Episode duration: 3:17:56