JRE MMA Show #46 with Ari Shaffir

1. 0:00 – 15:00

   ... and then there's…

   1. JRJoe Rogan0:00

      ... and then there's fire.

   2. ASAri Shaffir0:00

      Bobby Kelly got us-

   3. JRJoe Rogan0:01

      Four, three, two, one. Can you talk about that on there or no?

   4. ASAri Shaffir0:06

      Yeah.

   5. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      (laughs) Yeah?

   6. ASAri Shaffir0:06

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan0:06

      What were you gonna say?

   8. ASAri Shaffir0:07

      He got us these knives made. We went bushwhacking.

   9. JRJoe Rogan0:09

      Oh.

   10. ASAri Shaffir0:10

       Uh, and he got... This one guy was like, "I wanna make you guys knives." So he made Joe List and Robert Kelly, like, custom knives.

   11. JRJoe Rogan0:16

       Bushwhacking knives, huh?

   12. ASAri Shaffir0:17

       Yeah. (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan0:17

       (laughs) Like machete-type knives?

   14. ASAri Shaffir0:18

       Yeah, to chop up some wood.

   15. JRJoe Rogan0:20

       Oh.

   16. ASAri Shaffir0:20

       Fucking do some shit.

   17. JRJoe Rogan0:21

       What were you guys doing?

   18. ASAri Shaffir0:22

       Camping, hiking, and then hiking, like, four hours to a campsite, then camping.

   19. JRJoe Rogan0:25

       Bobby Kelly loves fly-fishing, right? Isn't he a big fly fisher?

   20. ASAri Shaffir0:28

       (sighs) Yeah. Yeah. He, uh... Maybe. He likes doing shit that he, his body shouldn't allow him to do.

   21. JRJoe Rogan0:33

       Hmm.

   22. ASAri Shaffir0:34

       Um, (laughs) yeah, it's crazy.

   23. JRJoe Rogan0:36

       You know, I knew him when he was skinny.

   24. ASAri Shaffir0:38

       That's nuts. I see that video... That picture of him, that headshot at the Comedy Cellar. I'm like, "That's that guy?"

   25. JRJoe Rogan0:42

       Dude, he was, like, my size. He was, like, a normal-sized person.

   26. ASAri Shaffir0:45

       I... It's nuts to me.

   27. JRJoe Rogan0:46

       It is nuts, yeah. When I met him, we were working together.

   28. ASAri Shaffir0:50

       Yeah.

   29. JRJoe Rogan0:51

       And he, um, lived in, um, a home with, uh, special needs kids.

   30. ASAri Shaffir0:57

       (laughs)
2. 15:00 – 30:00

   Mm-hmm. I had somebody…

   1. JRJoe Rogan15:00

      public speaking.

   2. ASAri Shaffir15:01

      Mm-hmm. I had somebody that... We were giving a talk on, uh, Shakespeare or something. It was, like, group project. We each had to write one paragraph. We wrote three paragraphs that each one of us read one. So I think I read mine, just reading it off a paper. No one's paying attention. This next lady's like, "And then later Shakespeare (yawns) had the, um, time where he...

   3. JRJoe Rogan15:19

      Panic attack.

   4. ASAri Shaffir15:19

      ... by his wife, and I was just looking at her like, "What the fuck?" And the teacher's like, "Oh, okay, okay, okay. It's all right. Let's, uh, let's have, uh, somebody else read." And I was like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

   5. JRJoe Rogan15:27

      (laughs)

   6. ASAri Shaffir15:28

      It's crazy. It's... Waiting for it was a standup, but, like-

   7. JRJoe Rogan15:31

      Yeah.

   8. ASAri Shaffir15:31

      ... doesn't make any sense.

   9. JRJoe Rogan15:33

      I used to panic when I would talk to bank tellers.

   10. ASAri Shaffir15:35

       What?

   11. JRJoe Rogan15:36

       Yeah, I used to go to a bank teller. I'd get super nervous right before I'd have to talk to a bank teller.

   12. ASAri Shaffir15:40

       Why?

   13. JRJoe Rogan15:40

       I don't know.

   14. ASAri Shaffir15:41

       Yeah. There's no reason for it.

   15. JRJoe Rogan15:42

       Well, when I was a kid, I f- I really felt like a loser. I really did. I, I had, like, serious low self-esteem issues up until, like, high school yea- up until martial arts. And then once I started doing martial arts and getting really good at it and then teaching, it kinda calmed me down.

   16. ASAri Shaffir15:57

       Experience.

   17. JRJoe Rogan15:57

       Yeah. And then it, it kinda, like, wasn't... Uh, believe it or not, almost like a natural path to standup. But I remember before that, uh, being-

   18. ASAri Shaffir16:05

       (laughs)

   19. JRJoe Rogan16:05

       ... very awkward talking to people, like, very nervous talking to people I didn't know. You know, just didn't, didn't feel like-

   20. ASAri Shaffir16:14

       I get that.

   21. JRJoe Rogan16:14

       You know?

   22. ASAri Shaffir16:14

       I still get that, where I'm like, "I don't know how to talk."

   23. JRJoe Rogan16:17

       Yeah.

   24. ASAri Shaffir16:17

       "I'm just, I'm just a stranger. I don't know how to talk to you."

   25. JRJoe Rogan16:19

       Yeah, I know, right? Especially if it's an odd thing and... Ooh. You know? It's-

   26. ASAri Shaffir16:25

       It's the worst when they know you too, and they ask you questions that are so broad. "What's Joey Diaz like?"

   27. JRJoe Rogan16:29

       Oh, boy.

   28. ASAri Shaffir16:29

       Like, "What's he li-" I...

   29. JRJoe Rogan16:31

       Yeah, that's hard. That's hard. "Hey, man, I gotta ask you a question. Uh, what should I do for a living?"

   30. ASAri Shaffir16:36

       Yeah. (laughs)
3. 30:00 – 45:00

   Oh. That's hilarious. …

   1. ASAri Shaffir30:00

      of weird. They're like, "You're 98% Native American." So we're gonna need a blood test. He goes, "Oh, fuck."

   2. JRJoe Rogan30:04

      Oh. That's hilarious.

   3. ASAri Shaffir30:05

      So it proves he wasn't any minority except he was, like, 2% Neanderthal. And he goes-

   4. JRJoe Rogan30:08

      (laughs)

   5. ASAri Shaffir30:09

      ... "You wiped my people out! You raped my people!"

   6. JRJoe Rogan30:11

      Oh, that's great. (laughs)

   7. ASAri Shaffir30:12

      Yeah. Stan Marsh is a great character. Uh, yeah. So anyway, with Duncan then, so we're doing that. We kee- we keep trying to get it on film.

   8. JRJoe Rogan30:19

      Illuminati signs.

   9. ASAri Shaffir30:19

      Yeah. He can see the monitor. You know the monitor-

   10. JRJoe Rogan30:21

       Right.

   11. ASAri Shaffir30:21

       ... on your table?

   12. JRJoe Rogan30:22

       Yeah.

   13. ASAri Shaffir30:22

       And so he goes, "You know, next time we have to kiss." And I was like-

   14. JRJoe Rogan30:25

       (laughs)

   15. ASAri Shaffir30:25

       "Fuck."... because as a person, I'm like, "I don't wanna do that."

   16. JRJoe Rogan30:30

       Uh... Uh...

   17. ASAri Shaffir30:31

       But as a comic, I'm like, "Oh, I have no choice."

   18. JRJoe Rogan30:32

       Yeah, you have to.

   19. ASAri Shaffir30:33

       Obviously that's the right move.

   20. JRJoe Rogan30:34

       You have to.

   21. ASAri Shaffir30:34

       So it's like, "Goddammit."

   22. JRJoe Rogan30:36

       Yeah.

   23. ASAri Shaffir30:36

       So I'm like, "All right, I'm watching this fight. Tell me when it's time." And then a- a minute later, he goes, "Now!" (laughs)

   24. JRJoe Rogan30:43

       (laughs)

   25. ASAri Shaffir30:43

       And so, I (laughs) and so he just turns-

   26. JRJoe Rogan30:43

       Did you guys touch tongues?

   27. ASAri Shaffir30:45

       Uh, I mean, yeah, we wrapped it around a little.

   28. JRJoe Rogan30:47

       Whoo!

   29. ASAri Shaffir30:48

       You gotta enjoy it.

   30. JRJoe Rogan30:48

       That is intense.
4. 45:00 – 1:00:00

   The problem though with…

   1. JRJoe Rogan45:00

      It's like you're doing lunges. It's, it's not pounding.

   2. ASAri Shaffir45:01

      The problem though with that is unless you're running in a Dali painting, then it's fucking impossible-

   3. JRJoe Rogan45:05

      Right.

   4. ASAri Shaffir45:06

      ... to s- keep running uphill.

   5. JRJoe Rogan45:07

      That's a good point, good reference too.

   6. ASAri Shaffir45:08

      Yeah.

   7. JRJoe Rogan45:08

      Dali painting. Um-

   8. ASAri Shaffir45:10

      (laughs) It's not me.

   9. JRJoe Rogan45:10

      I mean-

   10. ASAri Shaffir45:10

       How many, how many Dali references do you have on this MMA podcast?

   11. JRJoe Rogan45:13

       Zero. This is the first one ever.

   12. ASAri Shaffir45:15

       (laughs)

   13. JRJoe Rogan45:15

       I walk downhill basically.

   14. ASAri Shaffir45:17

       Are you a welterweight?

   15. JRJoe Rogan45:18

       And then run uphill.

   16. ASAri Shaffir45:19

       Oh, really?

   17. JRJoe Rogan45:19

       Well, I kinda, uh, r- I, I mean, I go way slower downhill. It's just dangerous. It's bad for your joints-

   18. ASAri Shaffir45:25

       Yeah.

   19. JRJoe Rogan45:25

       ... to pound, like, going downhill. Like, deceleration, like, running downhill and catching yourself like that, it's just not good. But the deceleration, like, when you ... Uh, it's not even deceleration really, but when you run uphill, there's no pounding-

   20. ASAri Shaffir45:39

       Yeah.

   21. JRJoe Rogan45:39

       ... because you're k- you're just reaching that area and then pushing.

   22. ASAri Shaffir45:42

       But it wears you out more, but, like, your muscles ... But you're right, the joints. Okay, we were hiking the Alps this year in July.

   23. JRJoe Rogan45:48

       Mm-hmm.

   24. ASAri Shaffir45:49

       Um, and man, there's uphills where, like, you really have to push.

   25. JRJoe Rogan45:51

       Ah.

   26. ASAri Shaffir45:51

       But the downhills, it's like you're pushing off.

   27. JRJoe Rogan45:53

       Yeah.

   28. ASAri Shaffir45:54

       And it's like, it just hurts more. It's like a big-

   29. JRJoe Rogan45:55

       It hurts your quads.

   30. ASAri Shaffir45:56

       Yeah.
5. 1:00:00 – 1:02:13

   Yeah. …

   1. ASAri Shaffir1:00:00

   2. JRJoe Rogan1:00:00

      Yeah.

   3. ASAri Shaffir1:00:00

      And I remember them, them s- chanting something in the crowd, 'cause Dana did smart. It's one of the first like f- foreign ones and he made a Brazilian fighter on every f- on every fight.

   4. JRJoe Rogan1:00:09

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

   5. ASAri Shaffir1:00:09

      Uh, he fucked up a little by having s- a couple times Brazilian versus Brazilian. But at every fight ... And they were chanting something in the audience.

   6. JRJoe Rogan1:00:16

      "You're gonna die."

   7. ASAri Shaffir1:00:16

      Yeah. You were like, you go to the translator like, "Hey, what are they saying?" (laughs)

   8. JRJoe Rogan1:00:18

      (laughs)

   9. ASAri Shaffir1:00:18

      Like, "You're gonna die." And he's like, "Oh, my God." (laughs) Oh, my God.

   10. JRJoe Rogan1:00:24

       Yeah, they didn't play games, man.

   11. ASAri Shaffir1:00:26

       Oh, my God. That's when they were like legit and I believed it. Like, we gotta figure out how we're gonna get Chael Sonnen out of here if he fights Anderson here, and I'm like, "Come on." And then you go there and you're like, "Oh, I believe it now."

   12. JRJoe Rogan1:00:34

       Yeah. Well, they're fiercely, fiercely nationalistic. And also, that's where MMA started.

   13. ASAri Shaffir1:00:40

       Mm-hmm.

   14. JRJoe Rogan1:00:40

       I mean, really, MMA ... I mean, martial arts started in the Orient. They started in Japan and China and ... But in terms of like legitimate mixed martial arts, Vale Tudo, those no rules fights, that's all from Brazil, man. Brazil changed jiu-jitsu. I mean-

   15. ASAri Shaffir1:00:56

       You leave the airport and there are these giant, um, bra- like jiu-jitsu guys in gis like looking-

   16. JRJoe Rogan1:01:01

       Yes. (laughs) Yeah.

   17. ASAri Shaffir1:01:01

       ... at each other. Like it's part of their organization.

   18. JRJoe Rogan1:01:04

       Yeah, man.

   19. ASAri Shaffir1:01:04

       Part of their culture.

   20. JRJoe Rogan1:01:04

       Yeah. It's, it's huge over there. And, you know, I had on, uh, Raphael Levatto, who's like one of the top Brazilian jiu-jitsu fighters in the world-

   21. ASAri Shaffir1:01:11

       Yeah.

   22. JRJoe Rogan1:01:12

       ... who fights for Bellator now, and he's actually an American from Oklahoma that fights, uh, you know, and really represents Brazilian jiu-jitsu. But, he was saying that, like ...... for the longest time, the Brazilians dominated the world championships. He was one of the first Americans to win a, a-

   23. ASAri Shaffir1:01:27

       Wow.

   24. JRJoe Rogan1:01:28

       ... gold medal in the world championships. But for the longest time, like even to this day-

   25. ASAri Shaffir1:01:32

       For sure.

   26. JRJoe Rogan1:01:32

       ... the Brazilians still, like, have a disproportionate number of gold medalists and winners.

   27. ASAri Shaffir1:01:36

       Yeah, it's in them, right?

   28. JRJoe Rogan1:01:37

       Yep.

   29. ASAri Shaffir1:01:37

       Yeah.

   30. JRJoe Rogan1:01:37

       It's a huge part of the culture. And they're so proud.

Episode duration: 3:23:18