Before You WASTE Your Life Away, WATCH THIS! | Jay Shetty

Jay Shetty 0:00 Don't judge the moment because what we do is we try to label moments as good or bad. And when you label a moment as bad, it now does not have the opportunity to become good.

Lewis Howes 0:10 [upbeat music] Okay, welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. We've got the iconic, the legendary, my friend, Jay Shetty, in the house.

Jay Shetty 0:25 Ah.

Lewis Howes 0:25 It's good to see you, man.

Jay Shetty 0:25 It's good to see you, man. Thanks for having me. This is-

Lewis Howes 0:27 I'm, I'm super pumped you're here. This is fun. You've been on before. I think you were the first... The first podcast you did was with me, I think.

Jay Shetty 0:33 Literally, yeah.

Lewis Howes 0:34 One of the first.

Jay Shetty 0:35 It was two years ago, 2018, Jan-

Lewis Howes 0:38 Was it 2018?

Jay Shetty 0:38 Yeah, it was 2018. It was.

Lewis Howes 0:40 We met in October-

Jay Shetty 0:42 2017

Lewis Howes 0:42 ... Halloween 20- 2017

Jay Shetty 0:44 When Mask of Masculinity came out-

Lewis Howes 0:45 Yes

Jay Shetty 0:45 ... which was amazing.

Lewis Howes 0:46 Oh, man.

Jay Shetty 0:47 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 0:47 So it's been almost two and a half years since we've known each other. Yeah, two and a half years, I guess.

Jay Shetty 0:50 But I feel like I know you better than that-

Lewis Howes 0:52 Yeah

Jay Shetty 0:52 ... than the time that we've spent.

Lewis Howes 0:53 I know. We've done-

Jay Shetty 0:54 Because it's deeper.

Lewis Howes 0:55 Well, we've, we've spent a lot of quality time together. We pretty much meet, like, every month for dinner-

Jay Shetty 0:59 I love it

Lewis Howes 0:59 ... for, for like five hours, right?

Jay Shetty 1:01 Yeah. We have these bro man's dinners. Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:02 Amazing dinners where we talk about, uh, meditation, mindset. We talk about chall- personal challenges with things.

Jay Shetty 1:09 What we're learning from.

Lewis Howes 1:10 What we're learning, what we're overcoming.

Jay Shetty 1:11 Mistakes.

Lewis Howes 1:11 Mistakes.

Jay Shetty 1:12 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12 Everything.

Jay Shetty 1:12 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:13 And, um, we just started playing basketball together-

Jay Shetty 1:16 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:16 ... soccer, tennis, everything with Novak Djokovic. We, uh... We've been on trips together.

Jay Shetty 1:21 Yeah, we just went to Puerto Rico together.

Lewis Howes 1:23 Puerto Rico.

Jay Shetty 1:23 We've been in Ohio together when-

Lewis Howes 1:24 Ohio

Jay Shetty 1:25 ... you came in for the school

Lewis Howes 1:26 Summit of Greatness.

Jay Shetty 1:26 Yeah, Summit of Greatness. We-

Lewis Howes 1:27 We've done a lot of good things. Been in New York together, LA.

Jay Shetty 1:29 Utah to- Utah together.

Lewis Howes 1:30 Utah?

Jay Shetty 1:30 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:31 When was Utah?

Jay Shetty 1:32 When it was me, you, Brendan, and Mel as well.

Lewis Howes 1:36 When was this?

Jay Shetty 1:36 That was for the, uh, Powerful You.

Lewis Howes 1:38 That's right.

Jay Shetty 1:39 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:39 Okay, yes, yes, yes.

Jay Shetty 1:40 Utah, right? That was Utah.

Lewis Howes 1:41 Oh, yeah. Utah.

Jay Shetty 1:41 Yeah, yeah. It was... I, I totally remember.

Lewis Howes 1:42 We've done a lot of good things together, man.

Jay Shetty 1:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:43 Um, you had a, uh, a live event that you came out with a few months ago that was incredible. Uh, just so many good things we've done, so-

Jay Shetty 1:51 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:51 ... it's been amazing to watch your journey, your growth. And if you haven't checked out the last interview we've done, make sure you guys go watch that, 'cause there's a lot of good stuff about your story, your background, and everything else. And you just came out with a book that's coming out soon called Think Like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day. I'm almost finished, which, uh, I almost never finish books, so I'm excited about this because there's so many powerful strategies and tools to train your mind for peace and purpose. And one of the first ones that I love, that you talk about, is identity. I think a lot of us get tied into our own identity, and it causes a lot of stress in our life because we're focused on how we look and how we want other people to perceive us. Now, why is identity something that you focused on in the beginning as something that was important to talk about in the beginning of the book for you?

Jay Shetty 2:42 Yeah, absolutely. First of all, I wanna say I'm really grateful to be back, Lewis. Like-

Lewis Howes 2:46 It's amazing

Jay Shetty 2:46 ... you know, having a real friendship in this space and collaborating and loving what someone else is doing, I think first of all, like, just the friendship we share is really important to me-

Lewis Howes 2:55 Yeah

Jay Shetty 2:55 ... and meaningful to me, and I feel like... I feel like a lot of people feel like the w- when their career's growing, it's harder... When you're older, when your career is growing, when things are moving forward, when we're busier than ever, it's harder to build deep relationships.

Lewis Howes 3:10 It's really hard.

Jay Shetty 3:10 And the fact that we've done that in the last two and a half years I think is testament to who you are-

Lewis Howes 3:14 Yeah

Jay Shetty 3:14 ... and the type of person you are.

Lewis Howes 3:15 Of course, man. It's hard to be conscious-

Jay Shetty 3:16 I love you, man.

Lewis Howes 3:16 I love you too, man. It's hard to be conscious in creating those relationships when you have work, you have family.you have your relationship-

Jay Shetty 3:22 Totally

Lewis Howes 3:22 ... you know, all these different things, so.

Jay Shetty 3:23 Yeah. So yeah, back to identity. So I start off the chapter with this beautiful thought from Charles Horton Cooley, and I love telling it because it's just, it's just the best, and I think it was written in, like, the 1900s. And he said, "Today, the challenge is I'm not what I think I am. I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am."

Lewis Howes 3:45 I am. It's crazy, man.

Jay Shetty 3:46 And it's like, it blows my mind every time I say it.

Lewis Howes 3:48 It's amazing.

Jay Shetty 3:48 It gives me the chills. Like, I feel it. And the reason why I start with identity is because I think that's the root of all our challenges, and the first step to thinking like a monk is starting at the root, not starting at the symptoms or the superficial or the surface level. But let's go to the root. If you're playing a role, if you're wearing a mask-

Lewis Howes 4:10 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 4:10 ... if you're dressed in clothes that are not yours, then you end up living a life that's not yours.

Lewis Howes 4:16 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 4:16 And in the book, I give this example of method acting.

Lewis Howes 4:19 Yes.

Jay Shetty 4:20 So-

Lewis Howes 4:20 With Daniel Day-Lewis

Jay Shetty 4:21 ... yeah. I'm-

Lewis Howes 4:21 He's amazing

Jay Shetty 4:21 ... I'm a massive movie-

Lewis Howes 4:23 He's amazing

Jay Shetty 4:23 ... junkie, and I love method actors. So people like Heath Ledger, of course, from The Dark Knight series.

Lewis Howes 4:29 Yes.

Jay Shetty 4:29 You've got Jared Leto. So Jared Leto, when he played the Joker in, this is not in the book, in Suicide Squad-

Lewis Howes 4:35 Uh-huh

Jay Shetty 4:35 ... he used to send dead rats in the mail to his co-stars.

Lewis Howes 4:39 He did not.

Jay Shetty 4:39 He did, because he was trying to get into the mindset of how someone that perverted would behave. And then Daniel Day-Lewis, when he was filming for Gangs of New York, he's actually wearing these coats that are centuries old so that he can get into character when he's-

Lewis Howes 4:53 Embody it, feel it

Jay Shetty 4:54 ... off camera. Yeah, when he can feel it, right?

Lewis Howes 4:55 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 4:55 He's not wearing watches. He's not carrying around his mobile phone. They're speaking in the accents, and he talks about how he actually went crazy, because guess what? When you fake being someone for so long, you think it's your reality.

Lewis Howes 5:09 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 5:10 And that's what happens to all of us. We play a role at work. We play a role at home. We play a role with our family. We play a role with our friends, and then we think that role is us.

Lewis Howes 5:17 Right.

Jay Shetty 5:17 And we lose ourselves, and to me, that is the core reason why we're chasing things that are not important to us. We're unhappy despite reaching accolades, and we feel dissatisfied.

Lewis Howes 5:28 So what should our identity be then?

Jay Shetty 5:30 Our identity should start with unlearning everything that we think we know about ourselves.

Lewis Howes 5:36 Okay.

Jay Shetty 5:36 And s-

Lewis Howes 5:36 How do we unlearn?

Jay Shetty 5:37 So the best method of unlearning is this. First, and, and I'm gonna get really strategic and tactical, because I think that people need to know what to do rather than a concept. The first thing you do is write down everything you currently are chasing in your life. Make a long list.

Lewis Howes 5:49 Your goals, your dreams, your-

Jay Shetty 5:50 Your goals, your dreams

Lewis Howes 5:51 ... accomplishments.

Jay Shetty 5:52 Anything that you're currently chasing and pursuing.

Lewis Howes 5:54 Okay.

Jay Shetty 5:54 Write them down.

Lewis Howes 5:55 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 5:55 You can write down three. You can write down five. You can write down 10, depending on how ambitious you are. Second line- Ask yourself, what is the source of that? Where did you get that idea? Did you get that idea from a TV show you saw? Did you get that idea from your parents?

Lewis Howes 6:09 Mm.

Jay Shetty 6:09 Did you get that idea from your mom and your dad, your sister, your cousin? Did you get that idea because your friend just got proposed to on Instagram?

Lewis Howes 6:16 Mm.

Jay Shetty 6:16 Did you get that idea because your friend just got promoted? Did you get that idea because you just broke up?

Lewis Howes 6:22 Right.

Jay Shetty 6:23 Or did you get that idea because you just feel it when you do it-

Lewis Howes 6:26 Mm

Jay Shetty 6:26 ... that you feel alive? Ask yourself that.

Lewis Howes 6:27 So give me, give me a specific example that you had when you were 15, 18, was like a goal or accomplishment that you were chasing, and where it came from.

Jay Shetty 6:34 Absolutely. So my, my goal when I was young was to be an investment banker.

Lewis Howes 6:38 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 6:39 And when I really asked myself where did that come from, it came because in my community, small community in London, the most successful person financially was an investment banker.

Lewis Howes 6:47 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 6:48 So I believed you had to be an investment banker to be successful.

Lewis Howes 6:51 Right.

Jay Shetty 6:51 So when I asked myself that question, where does that come from, it comes from society's version of success, not mine.

Lewis Howes 6:57 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 6:58 And then the third thing you ask yourself is-

Lewis Howes 7:00 Yeah

Jay Shetty 7:00 ... well, then what is mine? What is coming from inside of me? And if you just do that three-step process, now what you're doing is you're filtering out the noise and you're starting to listen to your voice. The thing is, you've got a voice inside of you, but-

Lewis Howes 7:11 Yeah

Jay Shetty 7:11 ... it's quiet. It's like, "It's like, Jay. Like, take note of me. Like, Lewis, like, you know?"

Lewis Howes 7:15 Right, right, right.

Jay Shetty 7:15 And it's just, like, trying to get through, and the noise of everyone else's opinions is so loud.

Lewis Howes 7:20 So-

Jay Shetty 7:21 This is where you filter it

Lewis Howes 7:22 ... how do we start to find out what we truly want then, not based on what other people think is success? How do we, how do we listen to ourselves? And if you've been chasing something your whole life, how do you say, "Well, actually, that's not what I want. This is"?

Jay Shetty 7:35 Yeah, one of the biggest mistakes we make is that we confuse inexperience with being unqualified. So because we've not tried a lot of things, we just naturally believe that we can't be that good at them.

Lewis Howes 7:49 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 7:49 So if I've never spoken on a stage, I just think, "Oh, I'm probably not good at that." Or if I've never played golf, I probably think, "Oh, I'm probably not good at that." And so we start writing off things without even trying them. So the best method I can shade, share with someone is take the next month, take the next four weekends in the month, that gives you eight days, and get really tactical. Every single day-

Lewis Howes 8:12 That's why you're playing tennis a lot right now.

Jay Shetty 8:13 Yeah, I play tennis. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 8:14 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 8:15 Take the eight days. Go join a course, an online course, a workshop. Go and shadow a friend. Go to a seminar, a conference. Go to reading a book.

Lewis Howes 8:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 8:22 Listen to a podcast. Go and expose yourself to eight different things in a month.

Lewis Howes 8:26 Eight different things.

Jay Shetty 8:27 Eight different things in a month.

Lewis Howes 8:29 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 8:29 And guess what? In a month you will have learned what you probably would have learned in eight years.

Lewis Howes 8:33 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 8:33 Because most of us test one new thing a year.

Lewis Howes 8:35 Maybe.

Jay Shetty 8:36 Maybe, if that. Exactly, right?

Lewis Howes 8:38 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 8:38 Like, some people don't even do that. But if you do eight different things in a month... And this is how you have to see it. If you went to eight different restaurants in a month, you ask yourself after you eat a meal, like, "I had that burrito," or, "I had that taco. Did I like it?" Right? The first question you ask yourself is, "Did I like it?"

Lewis Howes 8:52 You gotta, you gotta try it first.

Jay Shetty 8:53 You gotta try it first.

Lewis Howes 8:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 8:53 You gotta go to the restaurant.

Lewis Howes 8:54 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 8:55 There's no point. So you gotta say, "Did I like it?" The second question you ask yourself is, "Why did I," or, "Why did I not like it?"

Lewis Howes 9:02 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 9:02 Like, why is so important, and I think too many people just go-

Lewis Howes 9:04 Yeah

Jay Shetty 9:05 ... "I like it," or, "I don't like it." Why did I like it? And the third question you have to ask yourself really, really simply is, "Do I wanna do it again?"

Lewis Howes 9:10 Mm.

Jay Shetty 9:11 And if you do, that's where you start uncovering. So my point is inexperience, do not misinterpret inexperience for a lack of qualification.

Lewis Howes 9:20 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 9:21 I'm guessing you're doing things in your life right now that you would have written off if you didn't try. I know you've talked about-

Lewis Howes 9:26 Absolutely

Jay Shetty 9:26 ... with writing a best-selling book.

Lewis Howes 9:28 Absolutely.

Jay Shetty 9:28 You've talked about it with-

Lewis Howes 9:29 Speaking on stage

Jay Shetty 9:29 ... this amazing documentary

Lewis Howes 9:31 ... launching a podcast, a documentary. All this, yeah

Jay Shetty 9:32 ... this docu... I mean, I never believed I could do half the things I'm doing today, and you know that.

Lewis Howes 9:35 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 9:35 Because we met when I was just creating content on social media.

Lewis Howes 9:38 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 9:39 And it's like now when you see things expand, you're like, you don't know until you give it a go and ask yourself, "Do I enjoy it?"

Lewis Howes 9:45 Yes. So I grew up very competitive.

Jay Shetty 9:48 Mm.

Lewis Howes 9:48 And you talk about competition as one of these, I can't remember if it's, like, four or five different things, and competition is one of the things. It's actually, like, um... I wish I had the page written down here.

Jay Shetty 9:58 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 9:58 But you, you talk about competition as, like, not the highest level of ourself.

Jay Shetty 10:02 Yes.

Lewis Howes 10:04 In my entire life, I was competitive, was driven to beat other people. And in the last seven years, I've shifted so much. I'm still competitive, still wanna win, but I'm not, like, hurt if I lose.

Jay Shetty 10:18 Mm.

Lewis Howes 10:18 I'm not upset. I'm not... It's not, doesn't defeat me emotionally, whereas before it used to be like this was my identity, winning. I had to win. Now it's like, okay, what did I learn? What did I gain from the experience? Did I have fun? Did I enjoy it?

Jay Shetty 10:30 Mm.

Lewis Howes 10:30 Did I inspire people even if I didn't win in this situation? In, in chapter two, you talk about negativity, and the quote you use is, is that, "It is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others." Does competition and unhappiness link together in your mind? Like, if we need to be competitive to be happy in order if someone else loses, how do we, how do we manage ourself in this competitive world of winning in sports, of building a bigger business, of these different things, being number one on New York Time's best-seller list? How do we manage that with this world we're in, but also wanting to be happy at the same time?

Jay Shetty 11:12 Yeah. What a great question. So the way I see it is that competition in and of itself is not good or bad. And, and this is like the monk mindset on-

Lewis Howes 11:23 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 11:24 ... on 99% of things, that this mug is not good or bad. It could be filled with water, or it could f- be filled with poison.

Lewis Howes 11:31 Yes.

Jay Shetty 11:31 And so competition, I'll give you an example.

Lewis Howes 11:33 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 11:33 As monks, our competition is in how much love and respect we showed to each other.

Lewis Howes 11:38 That's your competition?

Jay Shetty 11:39 Like, that's what you compete on. So-

Lewis Howes 11:40 Or how, how long can we meditate for? [laughs]

Jay Shetty 11:42 No, no, no. So, so-

Lewis Howes 11:43 I can meditate longer than you.

Jay Shetty 11:44 Yeah. So if any monk is sit... And I did this m- plenty of times.

Lewis Howes 11:47 Really?

Jay Shetty 11:47 If I sat there and I thought, "Oh yeah, look at him. He's scratching his back. He got out."

Lewis Howes 11:52 Right. He moved.

Jay Shetty 11:52 Like, that, your meditation just got destroyed.

Lewis Howes 11:54 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 11:55 All the value. And so monks will never ask how long you meditate. They focus on how deep you meditate.

Lewis Howes 12:00 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 12:00 And someone who meditates deep doesn't go on about how deep it was.

Lewis Howes 12:03 Right.

Jay Shetty 12:04 But, but you compete for showing respect. You compete for serving each other. You compete for how well you can collaborate.

Lewis Howes 12:11 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 12:11 And I feel like you live this.

Lewis Howes 12:12 Yes. Yes, yes.

Jay Shetty 12:13 Like, I, I, I feel like you have this in New York-

Lewis Howes 12:15 No, I didn't used to do that.

Jay Shetty 12:15 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 12:16 But the last seven years, yeah, of course.

Jay Shetty 12:16 But you do that now. Like, you think like a monk. Like, I feel like we're always trying to find a way where we can be better friends to each other-

Lewis Howes 12:21 Support each other

Jay Shetty 12:21 ... and support each other.

Lewis Howes 12:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 12:23 And so you're competing on that, and, and that's a positive competition that I think you can have. So you can still use... And this is the beautiful thing about The Monk Mindset, you can use any-

Lewis Howes 12:33 Yeah

Jay Shetty 12:33 ... thing in a positive way. Now, in your second question about-

Lewis Howes 12:37 Uh-huh

Jay Shetty 12:37 ... what does it mean about business, and New York Times bestseller list-

Lewis Howes 12:40 Uh-huh

Jay Shetty 12:40 ... and being number one, this is how I see it. If while you're writing your book, if while you're recording your podcast, if you're sitting there going, "I hope this is gonna be number one. This better be number one."

Lewis Howes 12:51 I hope I sell more copies than this person.

Jay Shetty 12:52 I hope I sell more copies than this person who's launching at the same time, because that's the only way. Well, guess what? Now the quality of your output right now has just dropped.

Lewis Howes 13:01 Mm.

Jay Shetty 13:02 Because guess what? You're now living 75% in the future, and you're 25% right now. And guess what? This 25% is gonna define that future goal and result.

Lewis Howes 13:09 Mm-hmm. And your happiness.

Jay Shetty 13:10 And your happiness.

Lewis Howes 13:11 Whether you get the result or not.

Jay Shetty 13:12 Totally. Whereas for me, when I was writing my book, and of course I want my book to be a best-selling book, of course I want my podcast to do well, of course, we don't do anything for it to be last.

Lewis Howes 13:21 No.

Jay Shetty 13:21 Like, no one does that. But what I do know is that when I'm creating, when I'm producing, when I'm writing, that's all I'm doing. See, the truth is that only 2% of the world's population can multitask. Now, the crazy thing is when-

Lewis Howes 13:35 We're those 2%. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 13:35 When 2%... When, when people hear that, they think, "I'm in that. Oh, I'm in that 2%."

Lewis Howes 13:38 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 13:39 Like, everyone thinks that, that they're in that. But most of us are the 98%.

Lewis Howes 13:42 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 13:42 And the truth is there is no such thing as multitasking. What it is is fast switching between two tasks.

Lewis Howes 13:48 Yes.

Jay Shetty 13:48 So the quality's just dropping.

Lewis Howes 13:49 'Cause you can actually... You cannot do two things at one time.

Jay Shetty 13:52 You cannot. No one genuinely can do two things at once.

Lewis Howes 13:54 I guess you could maybe, like, pat your head and do this at the same time. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 13:57 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 13:58 But-

Jay Shetty 13:58 But can-

Lewis Howes 13:58 You can't do something productive at the same time, right?

Jay Shetty 14:01 Or creative.

Lewis Howes 14:01 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 14:01 And so what I'm saying is that when you're sitting here going, "This needs to be number one," you are reducing that thing's ability to be number one, because it now-

Lewis Howes 14:10 Yeah

Jay Shetty 14:10 ... doesn't have your full focus.

Lewis Howes 14:12 Right.

Jay Shetty 14:13 So, so that's the difference-maker, that you can want to be number one, there's nothing wrong with that, but you can't keep comparing what number one is to someone else's goal, too, because everyone's got a different trajectory. Like, there are some people that are gonna come in and do really well at one thing, and you're gonna do really well at another, and that's why competition has to first be in your space.

Lewis Howes 14:32 Mm.

Jay Shetty 14:32 Like, don't compete in a space that's not yours-

Lewis Howes 14:35 Right

Jay Shetty 14:36 ... because now you're just trying to be someone else again, and you get lost-

Lewis Howes 14:38 And no identity

Jay Shetty 14:39 ... your identity.

Lewis Howes 14:39 And no identity.

Jay Shetty 14:40 Exactly. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 14:41 You talk about the four motivations.

Jay Shetty 14:43 Mm.

Lewis Howes 14:43 One is fear, desire, duty, and love.

Jay Shetty 14:46 Mm.

Lewis Howes 14:46 And as I was reading this, you know, fear is kind o' like the making sure you have your basic needs met, right?

Jay Shetty 14:52 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 14:52 It's like, do I have shelter? Do I have food? Am I protected? Am I safe? You know, living in fear, it's being driven to get out of that fear, I guess-

Jay Shetty 15:00 Mm

Lewis Howes 15:01 ... right? Or driven, or driven by that. Then you have desire, which is probably what was most of my life, was my, one of my main motivation, which was desire. Seeking personal gratifications through success, wealth, and pleasure. That's probably most of, like-

Jay Shetty 15:14 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 15:15 ... I don't know, any teenage boy-

Jay Shetty 15:16 Yeah

Lewis Howes 15:17 ... you know, who's just, like, watching the media and seeing what their friends do. They're driven by desire.

Jay Shetty 15:21 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 15:22 Girls, money, cool toys, results-

Jay Shetty 15:27 Mm

Lewis Howes 15:27 ... success. I don't wanna generalize it, but that's what I saw a lot growing up, right?

Jay Shetty 15:30 Sure. Me, too.

Lewis Howes 15:32 Now, the, the, the last two, the third and fourth, are duty and love. Duty is motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and the desire to do the right thing, and love is compelled by care for others and the urge to help them. And I feel like in the last seven years it's been more duty and love. It's more, like, mission-focused, and there's an amount of happiness that I've never felt before until I reached practicing duty and love. And I remember I never was able to fall asleep at night until about seven, eight years ago, without an hour, hour and a half of just anxious, anxiety, stress, concern, worry. And when I shifted from seeking personal gratifications to being motivated by a mission, and love, and gratitude, it's like I started to fall asleep within minutes, and it's crazy. But why do we live in this fear motivation and desire motivation when it only causes us a lot of pain?

Jay Shetty 16:31 Great question, man. And thanks for sharing your journey, too-

Lewis Howes 16:34 Of course

Jay Shetty 16:34 ... 'cause, I mean, everyone, as you can see, Lewis is already thinking like a monk, so [laughs] it's great.

Lewis Howes 16:38 Exactly. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 16:38 I love it. But it's... So yeah, great question. The challenge is that we think things come with emotions.

Lewis Howes 16:48 Feelings.

Jay Shetty 16:49 We think things come with feelings and emotions, and guess what? They don't. So if you chase money-

Lewis Howes 16:54 Well, they might for a moment, right? Or they won't

Jay Shetty 16:56 ... I don't think they even do-

Lewis Howes 16:58 It's a false sense of feeling

Jay Shetty 16:59 ... it's such a false sense of feeling. I don't-

Lewis Howes 17:01 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 17:01 Maybe for a moment, but it's so short-lived that it's, it's not even worth counting almost.

Lewis Howes 17:06 Mm.

Jay Shetty 17:06 So it's like when you, when you think that I'm chasing money, guess what? You will get money.

Lewis Howes 17:11 Yep.

Jay Shetty 17:12 And that's great. Money's really important, and money's a really important resource, but guess what? Money's not now gonna fill that gap, that void, that feeling, that emotion that you're missing in your life.

Lewis Howes 17:22 What are most people missing?

Jay Shetty 17:24 And so we're missing a deep sense of love. I think, I think the biggest need in the world, as we've heard many times before from all the ancient texts, they, they s- they summarize it like this: To love and be loved. Like, that is the need of humanity, to love and be loved. And when we don't experience that, we then start looking for status, we then start looking for money. Then we then start looking for recognition.

Lewis Howes 17:46 To s- to help us give the feeling of false sense of love.

Jay Shetty 17:49 Correct. And the challenge is because most of us didn't experience that from our parents, and this is the key thing. What we crave in life is what we did or didn't get from our parents.

Lewis Howes 18:01 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 18:01 What our parents did give us is what we continue to crave, or what they didn't give us is what we continue to crave.

Lewis Howes 18:07 Mm.

Jay Shetty 18:07 So you'll find that most people's love languages that they chase ... are things that their parents didn't give them. So if their parents didn't give them time, they now crave everyone's time. If their parents didn't give them-

Lewis Howes 18:18 Gifts

Jay Shetty 18:18 ... gifts, they crave gifts. If their parents didn't give them acts of service, they, they're craving those acts of service. So it's because of our childhood, and if we don't learn to process all of that experience-

Lewis Howes 18:30 Oh, boy

Jay Shetty 18:30 ... which most people never get the time to do, and, and I empathize with that because I've had to go through that. I've seen me repeating my parents' patterns.

Lewis Howes 18:38 Mm.

Jay Shetty 18:38 I've seen the-

Lewis Howes 18:38 What was the thing you were craving?

Jay Shetty 18:40 So I would crave... A big thing for me was I would crave surprises and gifts because-

Lewis Howes 18:45 That's your thing, yeah.

Jay Shetty 18:46 Yeah, that's my thing.

Lewis Howes 18:47 Still is your thing.

Jay Shetty 18:47 It's still my thing.

Lewis Howes 18:48 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 18:48 And, and I-

Lewis Howes 18:49 Did your parents not do that for you?

Jay Shetty 18:50 No, they did a l- My mom did a lot of it.

Lewis Howes 18:52 That's why you still crave it.

Jay Shetty 18:53 So, correct.

Lewis Howes 18:53 Oh.

Jay Shetty 18:53 So my mom would always, every year on my birthday, she'd always surprise me with the one thing I wanted, and I wasn't spoiled growing up.

Lewis Howes 19:01 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 19:01 I didn't have a lot growing up, but she would get that one thing, whether it was, like, a Power Rangers toy-

Lewis Howes 19:05 Right

Jay Shetty 19:06 ... or whether it was... Whatever it was, you know, something, you know?

Lewis Howes 19:07 A video game or something.

Jay Shetty 19:08 Yeah. The thing is you want as a kid, right? And she would always surprise me with that, and that became so deep-rooted. Now, I'll give you an example. When I then married my wife, you just expect people to know that.

Lewis Howes 19:19 That they're gonna do the same thing.

Jay Shetty 19:20 Totally. And so now-

Lewis Howes 19:21 She didn't do that.

Jay Shetty 19:22 No, because I'm expecting my wife to be like my mom in the sense of I expected a surprise or show me love in the same way.

Lewis Howes 19:30 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 19:30 And she doesn't know that. She's not a mind reader. I can't explain, expect her to know that, so it took communication.

Lewis Howes 19:35 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 19:35 It took time for me to explain that. So anyway, the, I think that's where it stems from, that desire. It doesn't come from any... You can say it comes from society and education. Of course, it does, but I think the deepest place it comes is what your parents did or didn't give you.

Lewis Howes 19:48 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 19:48 That's, that's where it comes from.

Lewis Howes 19:49 Yeah, yeah. Now, this was really cool. I think, uh, right now there's a lot of anxiety, there's a lot of concern, there's a lot of fear in the world with coronavirus, and just people concerned in general of the chaos of their life. Whether it's coronavirus or anything else that's happening, people li- seem to live in this fear state of mind right now a lot. You talked about the fear of fear and how you had to learn to let go of your fear of fear. What does it actually mean, letting go of the fear of fear?

Jay Shetty 20:18 Yeah. So I talk about how we fear the wrong things. Right?

Lewis Howes 20:22 What do we fear?

Jay Shetty 20:23 So most of us are fearful of how our friends are reacting, what's happening on social media, and what's the random bit of news that we heard. None of it is fact-based. That's one of the biggest issues that we have.

Lewis Howes 20:34 It's worry-based.

Jay Shetty 20:35 It's worry-based, and it's also imagination-based, so we become fiction writers.

Lewis Howes 20:39 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 20:39 We've all watched too many movies. Now we start writing these beautiful movies in our head. Well, not beautiful, scary movies in our head-

Lewis Howes 20:45 Yes

Jay Shetty 20:45 ... of what may happen. So our imagination, and Seneca said it best, we suffer twice, one in reality and one in imagination.

Lewis Howes 20:53 Mm.

Jay Shetty 20:53 Right? We suffer twice, and this is the biggest-

Lewis Howes 20:55 What actually happens to us-

Jay Shetty 20:57 Totally

Lewis Howes 20:57 ... and then the story we continue to tell ourselves.

Jay Shetty 20:59 Totally. Now, there's this incredible study in the book that I have to talk about.

Lewis Howes 21:01 Tell me.

Jay Shetty 21:01 So they took monks, and they took non-monks, and they se-

Lewis Howes 21:06 They competed against each other. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 21:07 They competed against each other, literally. So they put this plate where you experience heat, and so what happens is the non-monks touch this plate. Now, this h- plate heats up gradually, softly.

Lewis Howes 21:19 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 21:19 And then at one point it gets really hot for 10 seconds, and then it cools down. And so what happened is that when the non-monks touched it, the anxiety and pressure and stress in their brain just triggered straight away, even though it wasn't that hot.

Lewis Howes 21:31 It wasn't hot.

Jay Shetty 21:31 It, it was heating-

Lewis Howes 21:32 Got it

Jay Shetty 21:32 ... but it wasn't hot to do anything major to you. But the anxiety and stress in imagination or in anticipation went through the roof in the non-monks. Now, this is what's fascinating. When the monks touched it, they showed that it didn't feel anything as it rose. But as it got to its highest, they felt physical pain, but they showed no trigger of emotional pain because they did not assign any emotional element to that pain. So my point with that is you can look at the news right now, and you can get scared straight away and get in complete freeze mode, feeling stuck, paralyzed, whatever it is, because what you're now doing is you're creating a story of what's going to happen.

Lewis Howes 22:14 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 22:15 And that story-

Lewis Howes 22:16 And you can cause sickness in yourself-

Jay Shetty 22:18 You can cause sickness inside yourself

Lewis Howes 22:18 ... just by the story, not actually-

Jay Shetty 22:20 The reality

Lewis Howes 22:21 ... the, the, the facts of the disease hitting you or something happening physically to you.

Jay Shetty 22:25 Totally, and that story, again, can be used positively. So your story may actually be true, but if it's gonna be true-

Lewis Howes 22:33 Right

Jay Shetty 22:33 ... now you can prepare.

Lewis Howes 22:35 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 22:35 And that shifts you away from being scared because now you're preparing.

Lewis Howes 22:38 Yes.

Jay Shetty 22:38 And so the real ans-

Lewis Howes 22:39 You can be confident because you prepared.

Jay Shetty 22:41 Exactly, and so we should be shifting our fear energy into preparation energy because what fear does is it keeps you locked there.

Lewis Howes 22:50 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 22:50 Right? We just feel stuck. I'll give you an example. When you were preparing for big games when you used to play-

Lewis Howes 22:55 Yes

Jay Shetty 22:55 ... in the NFL, right?

Lewis Howes 22:55 Yes.

Jay Shetty 22:55 And you're playing American football against some of the biggest athletes in the world, it's like you can either sit there and be scared that you're gonna play this game on the weekend-

Lewis Howes 23:04 Uh-huh

Jay Shetty 23:04 ... or you can prepare.

Lewis Howes 23:05 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 23:05 And your confidence is in the preparation.

Lewis Howes 23:07 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 23:07 So when people go, "How do I feel confident right now?" Are you preparing?

Lewis Howes 23:10 Are you putting the reps?

Jay Shetty 23:11 Are you putting the reps?

Lewis Howes 23:12 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 23:12 Are you building your immunity?

Lewis Howes 23:13 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 23:14 Are you taking your vitamins? Are you-

Lewis Howes 23:15 Drinking lots of water

Jay Shetty 23:16 ... are you drinking lots of water? Are you taking the steps that are needed to prepare for whatever's coming? You will feel more confident that way.

Lewis Howes 23:23 Yeah. So how do we learn to let go of the fear of fear, though? Like, how do we say, "Okay, we're only gonna allow it to hurt us when it actually hurts us and not the fear of it"? Is there a process? Is there just an awareness of this, that when you're in anxiety, worry, stress, fear, you, you just breathe and meditate then? What's the process of letting go of the fear of fear?

Jay Shetty 23:43 Yeah. So meditation and mindfulness, powerful tools, but I'd say the process, and I, and I want it to be as-

Lewis Howes 23:47 Uh-huh

Jay Shetty 23:47 ... tactical and strategic as we can. The thing is to get really close to that fear. So what we usually do-

Lewis Howes 23:54 Embrace it.

Jay Shetty 23:54 Embrace it, get close to it, get intimate with it. We-

Lewis Howes 23:57 Become the bat.

Jay Shetty 23:58 [laughs] We literally-

Lewis Howes 23:59 Sit in the bat cave

Jay Shetty 24:00 ... literally, yeah.

Lewis Howes 24:01 And embrace the fear.

Jay Shetty 24:02 Totally.

Lewis Howes 24:02 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 24:02 We run away from fear. We like to run away and go, "Oh, it's not coming with me," and... Or what we do is we hear one thing, and we define the whole understanding of our fear based on that one thing.

Lewis Howes 24:13 Yes.

Jay Shetty 24:13 So it's like someone... And I'll give you a normal example in a normal life scenario.

Lewis Howes 24:17 Yes.

Jay Shetty 24:17 Someone says to you in the office You know that, you know that they're gonna cut a few people

Lewis Howes 24:21 Uh-huh

Jay Shetty 24:23 And you don't even check. You don't even know.

Lewis Howes 24:25 Is it real? Is it-

Jay Shetty 24:25 And now you just made it real, and now you're running with it, and you're trying to run away from it. So you're trying to avoid conversations with your boss.

Lewis Howes 24:31 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 24:31 You're trying to avoid any conflict. You're trying to... You know, you just-

Lewis Howes 24:35 That's a great example

Jay Shetty 24:36 ... you just, you're just trying to avoid it. And so actually what you need to do is go, "Okay, let me actually discover that fear. Let me go intimate with that fear. Let me ask myself, where is that fear coming from? What am I really scared of? What am I really scared of? Am I really scared of losing my job? Am I scared of not having any money? What am I really scared of?" And when you get to the root, and I call it the why ladder in the book.

Lewis Howes 24:57 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 24:57 So it's asking yourself, "What am I scared of?" And then go, "Why am I scared of this? Why am I scared of this? Why am I scared of this?" And when you can't ask why any longer, you've got to the answer, and that's what you have to deal with. Most of us are not dealing with what we're actually scared of.

Lewis Howes 25:11 The root

Jay Shetty 25:11 So that's how you let go.

Lewis Howes 25:12 Yeah

Jay Shetty 25:13 You let go by keep asking yourself. So I'll give you an example of mine. Like, if, if I heard that or if you hear that in your office that people are getting l- cut, it's like you just get scared and panicked. But the question is, why am I scared of that? Am I scared of that because I haven't been working hard for six months?

Lewis Howes 25:27 Oh.

Jay Shetty 25:27 Am I scared of that because I've been skipping meetings? Am I scared of that because I know my boss would probably fire me first? Or am I scared because I've been performing really well and I'm expecting a promotion?

Lewis Howes 25:37 Mm.

Jay Shetty 25:37 Knowing which one it is, it sets you up to build the path forward.

Lewis Howes 25:41 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 25:41 Not knowing that just puts you in this panic frenzy.

Lewis Howes 25:44 I think also, like, doing all the things you talked about, which is discovering within yourself, being aware of it, but then also just have the conversation.

Jay Shetty 25:50 100%.

Lewis Howes 25:51 Just run it with your manager or your boss and say, "Hey, listen, I heard some rumors that there might be some cuts, and I wanna let you know that I'm 100% committed to doing whatever it takes-

Jay Shetty 25:59 Yes

Lewis Howes 25:59 ... to help this company grow."

Jay Shetty 26:00 Yes, 100%.

Lewis Howes 26:01 "I beli- I believe in this mission more than anything. Here's what I've been doing the last three months, and here's what I wanna continue to do. Is there anything else I can do?"

Jay Shetty 26:08 Totally. Like-

Lewis Howes 26:09 Like, show them the, like, why you shouldn't get cut.

Jay Shetty 26:12 Exactly. And that's... You know how to approach that discussion when you know which side you're on.

Lewis Howes 26:17 Yeah

Jay Shetty 26:17 What your fear is.

Lewis Howes 26:18 I remember as a freshman playing football, I was playing Division II football in Minnesota, they usually red-shirt all the freshmen, and I went into this with a big ego thinking like, "I'm gonna start, or at least I wanna play," right? So I went into it with an ego in the first place. But I also... Which wasn't good, but I also went into it with some things that were good from this conversation. I told the coach straight up, like, "I know you don't play freshmen, but my intention is to play. What is it gonna take for me in order to get on the field? You know, do I need to get here early? Do I need to stay late? Can I sit here in the office with you after the, uh, uh, before practice and go over game film?" Whatever it was, and he was... He told me, "Yeah, I need you to come in the office every single day and watch game film with me. I need you to be with your receiver coach every single day beforehand and doing reps." And I just did it. And I eventually started to play my freshman year. I didn't start in the beginning, but I started to start at the end. And that for me was powerful. It's like I dressed it because I wanted to play and I was afraid I wasn't gonna play at all.

Jay Shetty 27:15 Mm.

Lewis Howes 27:15 And just waste a year of practicing like every other freshman would do there. That was my ego going in.

Jay Shetty 27:20 That's amazing.

Lewis Howes 27:20 Like, "I need to play." But I was also like, "I'll do whatever it takes, and I'll practice, and I'll confront it with conversation and say, 'This is my intention. This is my vision, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes for you.'" And so I think that, that in a workplace-

Jay Shetty 27:32 That's a perfect example

Lewis Howes 27:33 ... yeah, in a workplace, you've gotta be confronting it and be proactive in your confrontation.

Jay Shetty 27:37 Correct. And that's a perfect example of getting close to fear rather than running away from it.

Lewis Howes 27:41 Exactly.

Jay Shetty 27:41 Spot on, man.

Lewis Howes 27:42 For me, my whole mission in the last year and moving forward, the next projects I'm working on are all about belief in yourself. I believe self-doubt is the killer of dreams, and I believe that... And you have this amazing graph in here. It's about ego versus self-esteem. How do we build self-belief, self-esteem, self-confidence, while also not allowing our ego to be so big and think we can just do anything? How do we balance ego and self-confidence so they don't hurt each other?

Jay Shetty 28:14 Yeah, absolutely. And, and what we experience most of the time is extremes.

Lewis Howes 28:19 Yes.

Jay Shetty 28:19 So the two extremes that most of us experience are either I have to think I'm the best-

Lewis Howes 28:24 Yes

Jay Shetty 28:24 ... I'm the best in the world.

Lewis Howes 28:25 I can do anything.

Jay Shetty 28:25 I can crush anyone.

Lewis Howes 28:26 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 28:27 Like, I'm, like, gonna show everyone what I'm like. Or most of us experience the other extreme, which is I'm the worst.

Lewis Howes 28:34 Mm.

Jay Shetty 28:34 I'm the stupidest. I'm the dumbest. I'm the most worthless. I'm the biggest loser. Notice how that's both ego.

Lewis Howes 28:43 Mm. Really?

Jay Shetty 28:43 The eg- Yes.

Lewis Howes 28:44 Why is the negative ego?

Jay Shetty 28:44 So the ego wants to be the best of the best, or the ego wants to be the worst of the worst. The ego won't accept being in the middle.

Lewis Howes 28:52 Really?

Jay Shetty 28:52 The ego wants to feel the deepest sense of being the lowest.

Lewis Howes 28:57 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 28:57 And that's why victim mentality-

Lewis Howes 28:59 Yes

Jay Shetty 28:59 ... is actually a subsequence of ego.

Lewis Howes 29:01 Really?

Jay Shetty 29:02 Yeah. That's how it's explained in the Bhagavad Gita, because the point is that you can't deal with just being bad, you have to be the worst.

Lewis Howes 29:08 The worst.

Jay Shetty 29:08 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 29:08 My pain is the worst.

Jay Shetty 29:09 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 29:10 I think, um, Jada talked about this-

Jay Shetty 29:12 Yes

Lewis Howes 29:12 ... on your podcast, where she was like, "You know, I had to tell people why my hurt was more painful than their hurt, and they could never understand how bad it was," right?

Jay Shetty 29:21 Exactly. Exactly. That's-

Lewis Howes 29:23 That's ego as well

Jay Shetty 29:23 ... yeah, that's ego as well. So you see these two sides of ego keeping us locked away, and so the only way to get with that, and the only way to balance it and bring it all into one, is genuine self-honesty. Honesty is the best place to be, and the best thing about honesty is I'm really good at this, I'm really average at that, and I'm really bad at that.

Lewis Howes 29:43 Mm.

Jay Shetty 29:44 And the challenge we have with that is most of us have no idea. We just have zero self-awareness about what we are good at, what we are bad at, and what we're average at. So we think, "I'm pretty average at everything."

Lewis Howes 29:53 Right.

Jay Shetty 29:53 "I'm pretty good at everything." And when I hear those answers, I'm like, simple things, just go and talk to people that know you.

Lewis Howes 29:59 Yeah. What am I great at?

Jay Shetty 30:00 Ask them, "What's my superpower?"

Lewis Howes 30:01 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 30:01 "What do I do differently? What do you think I do that is different-

Lewis Howes 30:05 That no one else does? Yeah

Jay Shetty 30:06 ... that no one else does?" And guess what? I guarantee you, if you ask a colleague, if you ask a friend, if you ask a family member, if you ask a, people from-

Lewis Howes 30:11 They'll say different things too, yeah

Jay Shetty 30:11 ... they'll say different things. But you get to learn about yourself. So real confidence comes from knowing your strengths And going all in on them.

Lewis Howes 30:20 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 30:20 Your confidence does not come from just standing up the right way or just saying the right stuff to yourself, like-

Lewis Howes 30:26 Body language only, yeah.

Jay Shetty 30:27 Yeah, that's, and that's important. I, I'm, I'm a big believer in all of that, but what I'm saying is that that doesn't build real confidence.

Lewis Howes 30:32 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 30:32 Real confidence comes from thinking, "I'm really good at this. I know I can do this, and I love doing it." And it, and really this is the most important bit, confidence comes from serving other people.

Lewis Howes 30:42 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 30:42 When you see the impact you have on others, and this is the biggest issue, the reason why we have such low self-esteem today in the world is because people are not serving others, so they don't see the profound impact they have on others. When you put out a video or a podcast and people tag you on Instagram and they say, "Lewis, you stopped me from depression," or-

Lewis Howes 31:03 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 31:03 ... "You helped me out of a divorce."

Lewis Howes 31:05 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 31:05 Or people when they watch my content, they'll be like, "That stopped me from committing suicide," or whatever it's... When you see that, you get such a deep sense of self-worth that you matter, and guess what?

Lewis Howes 31:14 You matter.

Jay Shetty 31:14 Everyone matters. Whether you matter to one people or one million people, everyone matters.

Lewis Howes 31:19 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 31:19 But if you see your impact on someone's life, you will feel such a deep sense of self-worth.

Lewis Howes 31:25 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 31:25 And so whether you're serving at a, uh, giving out free food, or whether you're serving at a local charity place, or whether you're serving through your work, serve, serve, serve. Because when you take that step, you, you get a boost of self-esteem.

Lewis Howes 31:38 But why do so many of us live in fear and desire mode as opposed to duty and love mode? Why, why is that? Like, why are we still focused on self as opposed to service?

Jay Shetty 31:47 It's conditioned. It's conditioned, right? I've, I've said this before that we're wired for generosity, but we're educated for greed. I think I just said it to you-

Lewis Howes 31:55 Gosh

Jay Shetty 31:55 ... two years ago when I was on the podcast.

Lewis Howes 31:56 So good, yes.

Jay Shetty 31:56 And it's like, and, and when I said that, and the statement gives a-

Lewis Howes 31:59 That's so good

Jay Shetty 31:59 ... yeah. And, and it's so true. We're wired for generosity-

Lewis Howes 32:01 Oh, my gosh

Jay Shetty 32:01 ... but we're educated for greed. Because what happens is when we're kids, you'll see kids-

Lewis Howes 32:08 You wanna share

Jay Shetty 32:08 ... serve. God, they're weighed-

Lewis Howes 32:09 You wanna give

Jay Shetty 32:09 ... they wanna share. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 32:10 "Here's part of my candy bar," whatever, right?

Jay Shetty 32:11 Totally.

Lewis Howes 32:12 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 32:12 Yeah. And then as we get older, we're told that there's less, and this is what the key is. As we get older, we're told there are finite numbers of how many kids get made on the basketball or baseball team.

Lewis Howes 32:24 Yes.

Jay Shetty 32:24 We're told there's a finite-

Lewis Howes 32:25 We're limited

Jay Shetty 32:25 ... number of college spaces.

Lewis Howes 32:26 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 32:26 We're told there's a finite number of how many tickets there are. We're told there's a finite number of people that are successful. Guess what? In the theater of happiness, there are infinite and unlimited seats, and there is a seat-

Lewis Howes 32:40 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 32:40 ... with your name on it.

Lewis Howes 32:41 That's so good.

Jay Shetty 32:42 There is a seat with your name on it in the theater of dreams-

Lewis Howes 32:45 Wow

Jay Shetty 32:45 ... in the theater of happiness. But you think that because you think that there are only 100 people allowed in, that if someone else makes it before you, that you don't get in. And guess what? Is there a cap on how many billionaires there are in the world?

Lewis Howes 32:55 No.

Jay Shetty 32:56 No. Is there a cap on how many millionaires there are in the world?

Lewis Howes 32:58 No.

Jay Shetty 32:58 No. Is there a cap on how many happy people there are in the world?

Lewis Howes 33:01 No.

Jay Shetty 33:01 No. And that's why I really am encouraging Forbes... I want Forbes, forget printing a rich list.

Lewis Howes 33:05 Happiness list.

Jay Shetty 33:05 Print a happiness list.

Lewis Howes 33:06 Wow.

Jay Shetty 33:06 Print a service list.

Lewis Howes 33:07 Wow.

Jay Shetty 33:07 Print a list of who is serving.

Lewis Howes 33:08 We should do that. We should do that.

Jay Shetty 33:10 Who is serving the most in the world?

Lewis Howes 33:11 Wow.

Jay Shetty 33:12 Right?

Lewis Howes 33:12 That'll be, that'll be competition based. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 33:14 Yeah, sure.

Lewis Howes 33:15 I gave more than you gave. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 33:16 Yeah. And that's why it should be service based on time, energy, and money.

Lewis Howes 33:19 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 33:19 Because we should start showing how much time people give-

Lewis Howes 33:22 Mm

Jay Shetty 33:22 ... how much energy people give.

Lewis Howes 33:24 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 33:24 Mother Teresa, I don't think she gave any money to her charities.

Lewis Howes 33:27 Right.

Jay Shetty 33:27 But she gave a lot of time and energy.

Lewis Howes 33:29 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 33:29 You know, you look at all the people who made a change in the world, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, like, they may not have given a lot of money to stuff.

Lewis Howes 33:35 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 33:35 They gave time and energy.

Lewis Howes 33:36 You don't have to give resources, but your resourcefulness, your love, your time-

Jay Shetty 33:40 Love that

Lewis Howes 33:40 ... your focus, your attention, your compassion.

Jay Shetty 33:43 Love that. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:44 Uh, you know, resourcefulness of the, of the heart, not of the wallet, I think is key.

Jay Shetty 33:48 Love that.

Lewis Howes 33:49 And you don't need to have a lot of money to make a big impact.

Jay Shetty 33:51 You don't.

Lewis Howes 33:52 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 33:52 There's... and, and this is the training. See, we've been educated for greed because we've been told everything's limited. There's a limited number of this, limited number of this, number... And every time you play in numbers, and I think it was Bob Marley who said it, but every time you play in numbers, you'll always be dissatisfied.

Lewis Howes 34:05 Ah.

Jay Shetty 34:05 Because guess what?

Lewis Howes 34:06 Someone's always got more.

Jay Shetty 34:07 Someone's always gonna have more. I was speaking to a friend recently, and, and it's am- And, and this friend was telling me that he, uh, you know, bought a home which is very expensive.

Lewis Howes 34:17 Yes.

Jay Shetty 34:18 Uh, very, very expensive. And he went to a party at someone else's house, and he told me that when he was getting a tour of this party, he found out that this person had a painting on his wall which cost the amount his house cost.

Lewis Howes 34:29 Shut up. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 34:30 And so he was joking with me.

Lewis Howes 34:32 Wow.

Jay Shetty 34:32 He was like, "That, that guy's-"

Lewis Howes 34:33 Painting-

Jay Shetty 34:34 "... painting."

Lewis Howes 34:34 ... in the house

Jay Shetty 34:34 ... "He's, he's got my house on his wall."

Lewis Howes 34:36 Wow.

Jay Shetty 34:37 And, and that just puts things into perspective. And you think about that, like... And then you look at someone like Jeff Bezos, and you think, "Oh, well, he's the richest man in the world," but does he have the most fame?

Lewis Howes 34:45 No.

Jay Shetty 34:45 No, he doesn't.

Lewis Howes 34:46 No.

Jay Shetty 34:46 Does he have the most beauty? Uh, subjective dec- decision.

Lewis Howes 34:50 Right.

Jay Shetty 34:50 Does he have the most strength or power? Maybe not.

Lewis Howes 34:54 Mm.

Jay Shetty 34:54 And so no one has the most of everything, so when you measure yourself by numbers, you'll always be second, third, fourth, fifth in something.

Lewis Howes 35:02 And I think by measuring yourself by needing to have the most of anything is probably a recipe for unhappiness.

Jay Shetty 35:11 100%.

Lewis Howes 35:11 Of like, "Well, okay, I'm not gonna have the most of anything, but I'm gonna have the most money," you're still gonna be unhappy.

Jay Shetty 35:15 Totally.

Lewis Howes 35:16 Even if you have the most of something, doesn't mean you're gonna be happy.

Jay Shetty 35:19 Totally. I think it was Albert Einstein who said it best that, "Not everything that can be counted counts."

Lewis Howes 35:26 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 35:27 "And not everything that counts can be counted."

Lewis Howes 35:29 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 35:30 And, and I love that because it removes this belief that things are finite and limited-

Lewis Howes 35:35 Yes

Jay Shetty 35:35 ... and they're not. If you wanna be happy and successful, if... No matter that there are 700,000 podcasts, if that is your dharma, if that's your calling, if that's your purpose, like, you can do that. There's n- there's no cap on, on how many successful soccer players that can exist at the same time.

Lewis Howes 35:53 Right. Or how many books are out in the world.

Jay Shetty 35:55 There's no cap. There's no one stopping you, and that's the mindset that we're educated for that scarcity and greed.

Lewis Howes 36:00 And, and what's the difference between the monkey mind and the monk mind?

Jay Shetty 36:03 Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up.

Lewis Howes 36:05 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 36:05 So, so the monkey mind is what we experience on a day-to-day basis. The monkey mind is restless. The monkey mind is jumping from branch to branch. The monkey mind's trying to find a bigger banana. The monkey mind is constantly just, like, feeling flustered, dissatisfied-

Lewis Howes 36:21 Scarce

Jay Shetty 36:22 ... scarce, and overthinking everything The monk mind is the exact opposite. The monk mind is calm and composed. The monk mind knows to be focused and aware. The monk mind knows. So everything in this book, and everything that we're talking about, is the transformation from the monkey mind that we experience to the monk mind. The monkey mind is almost the enemy to the monk mind. It's the opposite.

Lewis Howes 36:45 Yes. And how does someone who is living in a sense of scarcity, because there are people living in scarcity where they're unable to pay their bills, they're unable to provide food for their kids, they're single moms, they're-

Jay Shetty 36:57 Mm

Lewis Howes 36:58 ... they're stressed.

Jay Shetty 36:59 Mm.

Lewis Howes 36:59 They're stressed, they're overwhelmed. It's hard to get into a sense of abundance when you're in scarcity-

Jay Shetty 37:04 Time

Lewis Howes 37:05 ... and stress. So how does someone find purpose in chaos-

Jay Shetty 37:12 Yeah

Lewis Howes 37:12 ... when they can't even get out of the thinking 'cause they're just trying to survive?

Jay Shetty 37:16 Yeah. So beautiful question. My, my biggest answer is, first of all, I empathize with anyone who's been in that situation, having... I can't ever say I've been in that situation-

Lewis Howes 37:25 Yes

Jay Shetty 37:25 ... in the same way, but I've experienced similar things where I've-

Lewis Howes 37:28 You've seen the feeling in your life, yes

Jay Shetty 37:30 ... yeah, in my own way, and I've seen my mom go through stuff like that.

Lewis Howes 37:32 Yes.

Jay Shetty 37:32 I, I know that my mom worked really hard to raise me and my sister while working-

Lewis Howes 37:36 Yes

Jay Shetty 37:36 ... you know, while running around, and I've, I've seen my mom be that incredible powerhouse of a person. And the, the main thing I would say is what you can do right now is find meaning in what you do. Make what you do-

Lewis Howes 37:49 Meaning

Jay Shetty 37:49 ... your p- meaningful, passionate, and purposeful. You don't need to suddenly look to become an entrepreneur or start a side hustle or find some more time. Find meaning. And the way you find meaning, as you genuinely stop, press pause for a second, and go, "What am I living for? Like, what am I living for right now?" And if you're living for your child, and if you're living-

Lewis Howes 38:09 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 38:09 ... to provide and put food on the table, that is a beautiful thing that we should celebrate more.

Lewis Howes 38:14 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 38:14 And sometimes it takes us a moment to stop and celebrate that. And so I would say find meaning, 'cause you can't always find happiness, you can't always find positivity, but you can always find meaning-

Lewis Howes 38:24 Mm

Jay Shetty 38:24 ... in that position. So I'll give you an example. Like, I lost someone really important to me, a mentor-

Lewis Howes 38:28 Yes, I saw this

Jay Shetty 38:29 ... a few days back.

Lewis Howes 38:29 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 38:30 I can't be positive about that. You can't be happy about that.

Lewis Howes 38:33 You're sad.

Jay Shetty 38:34 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 38:34 It's hurtful.

Jay Shetty 38:34 You feel sad. You, you feel loss. But guess what? I can find meaning in it.

Lewis Howes 38:37 Mm.

Jay Shetty 38:38 Because I can make a list of every lesson he taught me-

Lewis Howes 38:40 Mm

Jay Shetty 38:40 ... and make a plan to try and live every one of those lessons.

Lewis Howes 38:43 Wow.

Jay Shetty 38:43 Right?

Lewis Howes 38:43 That's beautiful.

Jay Shetty 38:44 And, and so if you're in a really tough situation right now, don't look for positivity, don't look for happiness, look for meaning.

Lewis Howes 38:50 That's a good one. Not trying to... A- and not trying to get yourself out of pain too quickly or discomfort or frustration-

Jay Shetty 38:57 Yeah

Lewis Howes 38:57 ... which I've been at guilt to be like-

Jay Shetty 38:59 Oh, to-

Lewis Howes 38:59 ... just be positive or-

Jay Shetty 39:00 Yeah [laughs]

Lewis Howes 39:01 ... or whatever to people, but I think it's like, you know, have your experience-

Jay Shetty 39:04 Yes

Lewis Howes 39:04 ... live your experience, and find meaning as quickly as possible.

Jay Shetty 39:08 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 39:08 And create a commitment to how you wanna use that meaning moving forward.

Jay Shetty 39:12 Love it.

Lewis Howes 39:13 Okay, I may not be great tomorrow, maybe not w- next week, next month, but I'm gonna use this meaning to serve other people, to continue to do what I love, continue to be great to my friends, my family in the best way possible.

Jay Shetty 39:26 And when you start doing those small things with love and kindness-

Lewis Howes 39:30 Yes

Jay Shetty 39:30 ... so much more opens up.

Lewis Howes 39:31 Yes.

Jay Shetty 39:31 It's like when you, when you can be trusted with the small things and the small moments, you get trusted with more and more and more. And so, like, it helps to just, in that moment, and it's in those painful moments that you realize how powerful you are. We all know that. Like, you really-

Lewis Howes 39:44 Yes

Jay Shetty 39:44 ... recognize it. And, and what you said was beautiful about not rushing through the pain because... And, and, you know, I, I, this example's probably been shared before, but if you have a wound and you've cut yourself, it's like you can't rush the healing. You can't rush it. If you broke your arm, I mean, and you've been through so many bodily injuries-

Lewis Howes 40:03 Yes

Jay Shetty 40:03 ... you can't rush the process.

Lewis Howes 40:05 It's gonna take six weeks minimum to heal a broken bone.

Jay Shetty 40:07 Correct.

Lewis Howes 40:07 Yeah, minimum.

Jay Shetty 40:08 Correct. And you've gotta sit through that.

Lewis Howes 40:09 It's painful.

Jay Shetty 40:10 There's no-

Lewis Howes 40:10 It sucks

Jay Shetty 40:11 ... injections you can take. There's no videos you can watch. There's nothing you can listen to. But our challenge is we try and rush through the pain-

Lewis Howes 40:16 Yeah

Jay Shetty 40:17 ... rather than reflect through the pain.

Lewis Howes 40:19 We try to rush the healing process too.

Jay Shetty 40:20 Try to rush the healing, and you can't rush healing. And healing is meant to be slow because it buys you time. It buys you reflection. It gives you so much space.

Lewis Howes 40:28 To slow down.

Jay Shetty 40:29 To slow down, and that's what your body's calling out for. And this is our emergency. Like, how many times have you heard it, where you slow down, you slow down, and that's when you fall ill? Because guess what? Your body has been trying to tell you to slow down.

Lewis Howes 40:42 Slow down, yeah.

Jay Shetty 40:42 When you feel pain... So I, I write about it and think like a monk. Pain makes you pay attention.

Lewis Howes 40:47 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 40:48 That's what pain's for. Pain's not-

Lewis Howes 40:50 Notice this.

Jay Shetty 40:51 Notice this.

Lewis Howes 40:51 Look at me.

Jay Shetty 40:52 Notice me. Look at me.

Lewis Howes 40:53 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 40:53 It's cra- it's like a crying baby-

Lewis Howes 40:55 Yeah

Jay Shetty 40:55 ... craving for attention. When a baby's crying, you don't just go, "Oh, it's crying."

Lewis Howes 40:58 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 40:58 You don't just go, "Oh, yeah, we'll just put it in another room and forget about it," right?

Lewis Howes 41:01 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 41:01 Like, you go to it, and you find its needs, whereas with our pain, when something's painful, we're just like, "Oh, yeah, I'll just forget about it. I'll escape from it. I'll do something else."

Lewis Howes 41:08 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 41:08 You have to go into that pain.

Lewis Howes 41:10 I'll numb it. I'll numb the pain.

Jay Shetty 41:10 I'll numb the pain. That's it.

Lewis Howes 41:12 With alcohol or whatever.

Jay Shetty 41:13 Yeah. 100%, that's, that's usually our response, is what can I do to numb this?

Lewis Howes 41:17 Work more, have sex more, drink more-

Jay Shetty 41:20 Whatever

Lewis Howes 41:20 ... drugs more, whatever it is.

Jay Shetty 41:21 Rather than let me actually become alert, and guess what? The pain just gets higher and higher-

Lewis Howes 41:25 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 41:25 ... and higher and higher because unfortunately, until it really hurts, we don't stop.

Lewis Howes 41:29 Or you need more and more to numb it with.

Jay Shetty 41:32 So true.

Lewis Howes 41:32 And so you go to extremes of life, right?

Jay Shetty 41:34 So true.

Lewis Howes 41:35 Now, what's been the most painful thing you've had to experience since... 'Cause I know leaving the monkhood-

Jay Shetty 41:42 Mm

Lewis Howes 41:42 ... was painful for you 'cause this was a mission of yours that you wanted to have for your whole life, and I think you were there for three and a half years. So what's been the most painful thing, I guess, in the last six or seven years-

Jay Shetty 41:51 Mm

Lewis Howes 41:51 ... since that time that you've had to reflect back on, take notice of, pay attention to, and reevaluate?

Jay Shetty 41:59 That's a great question. I think for me, it was in 2016, I moved out to New York. So just let me paint a picture of 2016. I moved three jobs. I got married.

Lewis Howes 42:10 Wow.

Jay Shetty 42:11 I moved country, and I s- just, just started a whole new life. Like, my life just transformed. So we went through all of that with my wife-

Lewis Howes 42:20 Yes

Jay Shetty 42:20 ... in one year. And by the way, all of that was surprises. The job change was surprises.

Lewis Howes 42:24 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 42:24 The country change was a surprise. The marriage was not a surprise. We planned that.

Lewis Howes 42:27 Right, right, right, right, right.

Jay Shetty 42:28 But apart from everything else, everything was a surprise. Now, I said I like surprises-

Lewis Howes 42:32 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 42:33 ... so I can roll with it, but my point is that's a lot of transition in a year.

Lewis Howes 42:36 So much transition.

Jay Shetty 42:38 And I felt the burden of being in a new city where we had no family We had no friends. And my wife, who loves being around her family, and no one understands just how close she is to them, I felt this burden on me that I had taken away her time with her family.

Lewis Howes 42:56 Mm.

Jay Shetty 42:56 And now she was alone. So I was going out to work, and she'd be crying at home.

Lewis Howes 43:00 Mm.

Jay Shetty 43:01 And I was thinking, "She's got no friends. She's got no support." And I know you can relate to this-

Lewis Howes 43:04 Yes

Jay Shetty 43:04 ... with moving and relationships-

Lewis Howes 43:05 Moves a lot, man

Jay Shetty 43:05 ... and so much going on. And so it's like I'm dealing with that, and guess what? Six months later I have to leave and move on and work on a new career to build everything myself, and then I'm four months away from being broke. And so on top of all of this, I've now got four months away from being broke. I've got enough money, money saved for four months to pay for rent and groceries, and that's it.

Lewis Howes 43:25 In New York City. Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 43:26 In New York City, and that's it. And guess what? Even on top of that, I've got 30 days before my visa runs out and I'm kicked out of the country, so I can't even live here anymore. So not only have I just got married, moved job three times, changed career again, had to move into apartment-

Lewis Howes 43:40 No money

Jay Shetty 43:41 ... four months of being broke, and I might get kicked out in 30 days, and my renewal for my visa costs $15,000.

Lewis Howes 43:46 Oh.

Jay Shetty 43:47 So that's gonna eat into those four months. I have probably never been under that much emotional-

Lewis Howes 43:54 Yeah

Jay Shetty 43:54 ... physical, and, and mental pressure in my life. Like, genuinely, I felt it. And I felt my body change. My, my breath was more stressed. I would be breathing faster.

Lewis Howes 44:04 Shorter.

Jay Shetty 44:04 Shorter breaths, not deep breaths, heartbeat faster.

Lewis Howes 44:08 Not working out.

Jay Shetty 44:08 Not working out. You get into lazy habits. You start craving junk food.

Lewis Howes 44:11 Sugar to give energy. Yeah

Jay Shetty 44:12 I'm living in a 500 square foot apartment with my wife, which is, which is tiny. Like, everything's in that space, and guess what? We both work from home. So I'm now sitting at a desk hunched over trying to figure stuff out. She's trying to cook in the same room. Like, I'm trying to... Just, just trying to figure out what to do. And I remember the next morning sending, like, 100 emails to people and just being like, "This is who I am. This is what I can do. How can we serve?" And that was the same year that I ended up meeting you later in that year.

Lewis Howes 44:39 Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 44:40 And the beginning three months of that journey were so stressful. Like, they were so stressful because I was like, "What if I have to move back to London? What am I gonna say to her parents? I mean, I just took their daughter away." Like, uh-

Lewis Howes 44:52 [laughs] Just got married, yeah

Jay Shetty 44:53 ... I've lived in New York City for six months, and my life's falling apart. Like, you know, so much, and I've got all these views, but there's nothing, there's nothing happening in. We managed.

Lewis Howes 45:01 But you also, you also... I mean, at this time you're also growing so much. How are you able to create and reach this impact with your videos-

Jay Shetty 45:09 Yeah

Lewis Howes 45:09 ... as that's growing while you're under so much stress and uncertainty?

Jay Shetty 45:13 And I stopped a bit at that time. Like, things slowed down hard.

Lewis Howes 45:16 I remember. I remember.

Jay Shetty 45:16 Like, things slowed down.

Lewis Howes 45:17 I remember that.

Jay Shetty 45:18 I, I wasn't creating as much as I was because I don't enjoy creating from stress or pressure, and I don't think you can really create something from stress and pressure. So we really slowed down at that time. And when I was creating, I was creating from a place of recognizing that I could share what I had learned and what I had grown in so far. So anything I was sharing was like, "This is what I've learned so far." So that was the biggest pain that I've been through in the last seven years, for sure.

Lewis Howes 45:42 Wow.

Jay Shetty 45:43 And all I can say is that I remember coming home to my wife knowing that this was gonna be the truth, and I came home and I said to her, I said to her, "I guarantee you this is gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us."

Lewis Howes 45:54 What? The pain?

Jay Shetty 45:55 The pain. I said that to her the night I came home.

Lewis Howes 45:57 Wow.

Jay Shetty 45:57 And, and she... I literally came home, I looked her in the eyes and go, "This is the scenario, and I just want you to know that I guarantee to you this is the best thing that's ever gonna happen to us." And I said to her... And this is, this is a monk statement that we used to repeat. I said to her, "I'm just not gonna judge the moment." Don't judge the moment, because what we do is we try to label moments as good or bad, and when you label a moment as bad, it now does not have the opportunity to become good. I'll give you an example. If I go, "I don't like this book. This book's bad," right?

Lewis Howes 46:25 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 46:25 And I don't... And I love this book.

Lewis Howes 46:26 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 46:27 But if I say that-

Lewis Howes 46:28 Sure

Jay Shetty 46:28 ... guess what? I will never pick it up and recognize the value that's inside of it because you've labeled it.

Lewis Howes 46:32 Yes.

Jay Shetty 46:33 And we label stuff. Like, we label, "Oh, that restaurant's bad."

Lewis Howes 46:35 Mm.

Jay Shetty 46:36 But when you label a moment-

Lewis Howes 46:37 That person's bad

Jay Shetty 46:37 ... that person's bad, now you can't learn from that person. Oh, great one. That's a really good one.

Lewis Howes 46:41 Mm.

Jay Shetty 46:42 As soon as you start labeling people or anything as good or bad, you limit it. You stop it from being something else. And here's the truth: Every moment can evolve into being anything if you give it the opportunity to.

Lewis Howes 46:55 Right.

Jay Shetty 46:55 But as soon as you say it's got no value anymore, you lose it. And so for me, I had to say to myself, "Don't judge the moment." And I'd keep repeating that to myself.

Lewis Howes 47:05 Don't judge where you're at.

Jay Shetty 47:06 Don't judge this-

Lewis Howes 47:07 What's happening.

Jay Shetty 47:07 Yeah, don't judge it as negative. Don't, don't just start saying it's negative because guess what? We've all been in positions where a gift turned into a curse and a curse turned into a gift.

Lewis Howes 47:15 That's true.

Jay Shetty 47:16 Right? We've all been able to see it.

Lewis Howes 47:16 Where our dreams came true and it would... ended up not being what we wanted-

Jay Shetty 47:20 Exactly

Lewis Howes 47:20 ... and it fell apart, and it led us into the... our dream.

Jay Shetty 47:24 Totally. Why is it that so many people that win the lottery-

Lewis Howes 47:26 Yeah

Jay Shetty 47:26 ... go broke?

Lewis Howes 47:27 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 47:28 Gifts can turn into curses too.

Lewis Howes 47:29 True.

Jay Shetty 47:30 But because we label them as the best moment in our life or the worst moment in our life, whereas when you approach things through neutrality and just what you have on the table, you can be like, "Okay, what am I gonna do next?"

Lewis Howes 47:39 That's why the greatest quarterbacks are neutral energy. They, they'll get a little excited.

Jay Shetty 47:43 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 47:43 And they'll get a little fist pump in there every, every now and then, but they're not hyped every play, and they're not negative every play. They have this calm. They see the field. They... You drop a pass, and it's like a little bit, "Let's go," but it's very neutral. Even when they score a touchdown, unless it's maybe the Super Bowl or a big championship at the end of a game, in the middle of a game you wanna keep it pretty, like, even keel, paced, so you can prepare for the best or the worst.

Jay Shetty 48:08 That's great. Yeah. There you go.

Lewis Howes 48:09 But you're always up and down. It's like your energy levels will go up and down, and you'll be exhausted.

Jay Shetty 48:13 Totally.

Lewis Howes 48:14 You need to have energy in life.

Jay Shetty 48:16 Totally.

Lewis Howes 48:16 And if everything is tied around a story of, "This is bad, this is wrong, I'm in a bad place, I'm messing up, I'm going broke," that energy is gonna pull you away from service-

Jay Shetty 48:25 Exactly

Lewis Howes 48:26 ... or creation or creativity of, "How do I get out of this place?" So I think it's really powerful.

Jay Shetty 48:31 I love that. And I, and I used to have a coach, and I think a lot of coaches use this, or at least he used to say it to us. He would be like, "If you, if you lose, cry for a day."

Lewis Howes 48:39 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 48:39 "And if you celebrate, if you win-

Lewis Howes 48:41 Celebrate

Jay Shetty 48:41 ... celebrate for a day."

Lewis Howes 48:42 Yeah. That's it, man.

Jay Shetty 48:43 "And then move on the next day."

Lewis Howes 48:44 Move on.

Jay Shetty 48:44 "Get back to training. Don't, don't let it wander."

Lewis Howes 48:46 Don't live in the past too much.

Jay Shetty 48:47 Don't live in the past. And what we do is when we lose, we cry for a month. And when we win, we just move on

Lewis Howes 48:53 Yeah

Jay Shetty 48:54 ... which means that our negative experiences hold us back and weigh us down more than our positive experiences.

Lewis Howes 48:59 So true.

Jay Shetty 49:00 So we're actually allowing, because we don't immerse ourselves in winning and growth, we only submerge ourselves in negative experiences.

Lewis Howes 49:08 Yeah. We need to celebrate also. We try to celebrate. I've been, uh, you know, that's been part of my life as well, is like moving on too quick.

Jay Shetty 49:15 Too much.

Lewis Howes 49:15 And now we try to like, let's enjoy, let's go to lunch or dinner and really, like, appreciate this moment and celebrate this moment, and even have a dinner with some friends and family.

Jay Shetty 49:22 Totally.

Lewis Howes 49:23 Otherwise, what are we working so hard for?

Jay Shetty 49:24 100%. And, and we almost feel like we can't, we can't do that because that makes us complacent.

Lewis Howes 49:31 Right.

Jay Shetty 49:31 But, but that's my point. If you-

Lewis Howes 49:32 It's never good enough

Jay Shetty 49:33 ... exactly. But if you win, celebrate for a day. If you lose, cry for a day, move on. Simple.

Lewis Howes 49:38 And you've learned so many lessons over your years. As a monk, you learned a ton of lessons, moving to, you know, getting married, moving into a new country, building, building companies, launching products and books, and you've had ups and downs. What's been the biggest lesson in the last 12 months for you?

Jay Shetty 49:54 Ooh

Lewis Howes 49:54 ... 'cause you've learned s- you've created so much in the last 12 months. You've done so many things. What's been the biggest lesson for you in your life?

Jay Shetty 50:01 Oh, that's a big question.

Lewis Howes 50:02 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 50:03 I think I'd have to say that it's a, and I was saying it to a friend on the phone this morning when I was on the way to you.

Lewis Howes 50:09 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 50:09 And I was just, I was just sharing it with him because he was having a moment in recognizing this. There's a wonderful verse in the Manusmriti, which I talk about in Think Like a Monk, it's a monk book, and in the verse it says, "When you protect your purpose, your purpose protects you." Now, I wanna, I wanna unpack that. What I mean by that is your purpose is like a rare jewel and a rare gemstone. And imagine you were walking around with the most expensive diamond or jewel in the world. How would you protect it?

Lewis Howes 50:44 You wanna just like-

Jay Shetty 50:45 You wanna just-

Lewis Howes 50:45 ... wave it out yeah [laughs]

Jay Shetty 50:46 Yeah. You wanna just wear it on your chest.

Lewis Howes 50:48 Like this.

Jay Shetty 50:48 Like a baby

Lewis Howes 50:49 ... holding it.

Jay Shetty 50:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 50:50 Putting a pillow around it or a blanket.

Jay Shetty 50:52 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 50:52 You'd be like, yeah, protect it.

Jay Shetty 50:53 You'd protect it. And so your purpose is like that. And guess what?

Lewis Howes 50:56 Ah.

Jay Shetty 50:56 People are gonna tell you every day that that jewel is not worth anything. They're gonna tell you that that jewel is actually valueless.

Lewis Howes 51:05 Wow.

Jay Shetty 51:05 It doesn't have any impact on your life. They're gonna try and take away that value. They're gonna tell you that there's another jewel out there that you need to have more value. And what ends up happening is you don't... I love the word, look at the wording, protect your purpose. You have to protect it. So what happens as your success grows, you get more opportunities-

Lewis Howes 51:24 Mm

Jay Shetty 51:24 ... more ideas, more things coming your way.

Lewis Howes 51:26 Temptations

Jay Shetty 51:27 ... temptations, but they can all take you away from your purpose.

Lewis Howes 51:30 Distractions, yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:30 Distractions. And to me, I'm repeating this for myself because I'm like, "I just wanna stick to what I was born to do, and I'm so grateful that I get to do it. I'm so happy I get to do it, and I wanna keep protecting it." I don't wanna get lost in the waves.

Lewis Howes 51:45 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 51:45 You know, you don't wanna just get chucked in the waves of the ocean and just get lost and just-

Lewis Howes 51:48 Yeah

Jay Shetty 51:48 ... not know where you're going.

Lewis Howes 51:49 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:49 So for me, when you protect your purpose, your purpose protects you.

Lewis Howes 51:52 So that's been your biggest lesson?

Jay Shetty 51:53 That's my biggest lesson.

Lewis Howes 51:54 Why? Do you feel like your purpose has been maybe distracted in some ways, or?

Jay Shetty 51:57 I d- I don't think it has, but I'm saying it so it doesn't.

Lewis Howes 52:00 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 52:01 Like it's-

Lewis Howes 52:01 You're reminding yourself

Jay Shetty 52:01 ... yeah, I'm reminding myself. Like I'm preaching to myself right now. It's like-

Lewis Howes 52:04 Especially being in Hollywood and the temptation of all these-

Jay Shetty 52:06 Yeah

Lewis Howes 52:06 ... opportunities out here.

Jay Shetty 52:07 Totally. And I, and I think for me it's a bigger lesson also because it gives me more faith. So I always encourage, and this is actually, actually this is why it's my biggest lesson. I encourage so many people that I coach, so many people that I mentor, obviously everyone in, in my community and audience and everything, to go and follow that, go and live that purpose. And I see time and time again that when I see people trying to live their purpose, they are protected, that it, things work.

Lewis Howes 52:35 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 52:35 When you are playing in your dharma, in your purpose, things work, things move. You feel momentum.

Lewis Howes 52:40 They happen. Yeah

Jay Shetty 52:40 ... they happen. And I'm not saying they happen without effort, but they happen, they move. Whereas when you're not, you just constantly feel like you're grinding up against, you know, a wall.

Lewis Howes 52:49 I know. Challenges.

Jay Shetty 52:50 Just, just constant.

Lewis Howes 52:51 So what is your purpose, and when did you discover it?

Jay Shetty 52:55 Good question. What is my... My purpose is simple. It, it always has been since, not since the beginning, because I discovered it afterwards. My purpose is making wisdom go viral, and I've stuck with that, and I've s- kept it that way because to me... A- and there's more to it. Making wisdom go viral through entertainment, I would say is my purpose because I believe that that is something that is uniquely my goal, impact, and service.

Lewis Howes 53:19 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 53:19 And the beautiful thing is I'm not limited to a platform, so that can be books, it can be podcasts, it can be TV shows-

Lewis Howes 53:24 Movies

Jay Shetty 53:24 ... it can be movies. It's not limited.

Lewis Howes 53:26 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 53:26 And this I learned by reading. I was reading after, and this was after my videos started to, to get seen. This wasn't before I did it. It wasn't like I sat down and I wrote this fancy tagline. I was reading Salim Ismail's book called Exponential Organizations.

Lewis Howes 53:42 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 53:42 And in this book, he talks about something called an MTP, a massive transformational purpose.

Lewis Howes 53:47 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 53:48 And he says that every major person, organization in the world has an MTP.

Lewis Howes 53:52 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 53:53 So an MTP has to be aspirational, it has to be massive, and it has to be service and purpose-based. So Google's is organizing the world's information. Notice it doesn't say we're an SEO company.

Lewis Howes 54:04 Right.

Jay Shetty 54:05 Notice it doesn't say we do Google ads.

Lewis Howes 54:07 Right. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 54:08 They're, they're organizing the world's information.

Lewis Howes 54:10 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 54:11 That's how big they're dreaming. And when you're organizing the world's information, you can do driverless cars, you can do Google Glass-

Lewis Howes 54:17 Right

Jay Shetty 54:17 ... you can sell Google Ads, whatever it is. And so TED's is ideas worth spreading. That's what they are. That's what they're about. So Jay Shetty is making wisdom go viral.

Lewis Howes 54:25 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 54:25 That's what I'm dedicated to.

Lewis Howes 54:26 So when did you discover it? 'Cause it wasn't when you were 10.

Jay Shetty 54:28 It wasn't the first-

Lewis Howes 54:29 It wasn't when you were-

Jay Shetty 54:30 No

Lewis Howes 54:30 ... 21 in college.

Jay Shetty 54:31 I d- I d- I'd say I was 30, probably two, three years ago.

Lewis Howes 54:35 So-

Jay Shetty 54:35 So I'm 32 now, so I'd say like two, three years ago is when I discovered it

Lewis Howes 54:38 ... so, so 30 years old is when you discovered your purpose.

Jay Shetty 54:40 Correct.

Lewis Howes 54:41 So what was your purpose before that?

Jay Shetty 54:43 My purpose before that was finding my purpose. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 54:45 Right.

Jay Shetty 54:45 Like, it's like that process of just like... My purpose before that was 14 years. So I'd been online for 4 years. I've spent 10 years offline talking about the same stuff, sharing the same messages-

Lewis Howes 54:57 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 54:57 ... in talks, in universities, in small seminars, in coaching and mentoring. Like, I've been doing the same thing for 14 years, but I didn't realize it was my purpose until very recently But I just did what I enjoyed and naturally tried to get better at it

Lewis Howes 55:11 So if we don't know what our purpose is and we're f- working towards finding our purpose, it's okay?

Jay Shetty 55:18 That's actually where you're gonna spend most of your life

Lewis Howes 55:20 Discovering what your purpose is

Jay Shetty 55:22 Totally, and that's the best bit because-

Lewis Howes 55:23 'Cause I think a lot of people are like, "Well, I don't know what my purpose is."

Jay Shetty 55:26 Totally, there's so much pressure

Lewis Howes 55:27 How do I just fi- how do I find it?

Jay Shetty 55:28 The pressure of finding your purpose-

Lewis Howes 55:30 Is crazy [laughs]

Jay Shetty 55:30 ... will stop you from finding your purpose.

Lewis Howes 55:32 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 55:32 Literally, the pressure is so heavy, and that's why it's not about finding that. It's just starting with the basics. What am I good at? And I talk about it, and I break down dharma in here.

Lewis Howes 55:41 Yeah, yeah. That's right

Jay Shetty 55:41 And I talk about what are your passion, what is your expertise, what is your compassion? Because that's really important.

Lewis Howes 55:48 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 55:48 What is your compassion for the world? Like, what problem do you wanna solve? I often... People will say, "There's so many things I could do. There's so many things..." I'm like, my question is not what causes you the greatest joy. Sometimes my question is, what is, what causes you the greatest pain?

Lewis Howes 56:00 Mm-hmm. Make that your purpose.

Jay Shetty 56:01 Make that your purpose. If you don't know what your joy is, you definitely know what your pain is.

Lewis Howes 56:05 What do you not like in the world

Jay Shetty 56:05 When you see all the news, what do you not like? And so for me-

Lewis Howes 56:07 Go serve that thing

Jay Shetty 56:08 ... 100%.

Lewis Howes 56:09 Yeah

Jay Shetty 56:09 So for me, the greatest pain I see in the world is people not reaching their potential.

Lewis Howes 56:14 Yeah. Yeah. I know. It's painful

Jay Shetty 56:16 That is, that causes me more pain because I believe that there is someone out there who is stacking shelves who has the cure c- to cancer.

Lewis Howes 56:22 Right

Jay Shetty 56:22 There is someone out there who-

Lewis Howes 56:24 Or is a talented singer or-

Jay Shetty 56:25 ... is a talented singer.

Lewis Howes 56:25 Yeah

Jay Shetty 56:25 There is someone out there who's not living to their potential, and I think we're better people, we're better partners, and we're better parents-

Lewis Howes 56:32 Yeah

Jay Shetty 56:32 ... when we live to our potential.

Lewis Howes 56:34 I, yeah

Jay Shetty 56:34 So that's what I'm trying to solve, and I'm not saying that's the biggest thing.

Lewis Howes 56:36 Sure.

Jay Shetty 56:36 I'm saying it's my thing.

Lewis Howes 56:37 Whenever I work with people, I'm always telling them to find your purpose, focus on what you're most passionate about or what you, you have the most pain around.

Jay Shetty 56:44 There you go.

Lewis Howes 56:45 It's the same thing.

Jay Shetty 56:45 There you go

Lewis Howes 56:45 So it's like do the thing you love the most-

Jay Shetty 56:47 Totally

Lewis Howes 56:47 ... and keep doing it until you either discover that's it or maybe I don't love that anymore. Like, I played so many sports growing up. I used to love baseball. I used to love soccer, and then I got bored with it. I got burnt out by it.

Jay Shetty 57:00 Yeah

Lewis Howes 57:00 It wasn't a love of mine anymore. It wasn't a passion, and then I switched to football. And it was like, oh, this is a passion, and I'm actually more gifted physically for this sport than I would be for soccer. I was too big for soccer.

Jay Shetty 57:11 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 57:11 Coulda run seven miles a day, right, on the field.

Jay Shetty 57:14 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 57:14 But I think you need to try lots of things, and you might think it's a passion. But you might get burnt out and discover, eh, I don't love it anymore. What else is there? And keep trying new things, like you said, eight new things a month-

Jay Shetty 57:25 Yeah

Lewis Howes 57:25 ... till you discover.

Jay Shetty 57:27 Till you discover

Lewis Howes 57:27 And it might take you till you're 30, 40, 50, right? Might-

Jay Shetty 57:30 It doesn't, and that doesn't matter.

Lewis Howes 57:32 Yeah

Jay Shetty 57:32 Like, it doesn't matter. Like, it, the fun is in the growth and the journey and the-

Lewis Howes 57:36 Yeah

Jay Shetty 57:36 ... like for me, the last 10 years before this happened and my life changed, it was like those were fun. I was happy.

Lewis Howes 57:43 Right.

Jay Shetty 57:43 I wasn't unhappy because of that, uh, because I didn't have-

Lewis Howes 57:45 You didn't know the exact purpose of your life

Jay Shetty 57:47 ... correct. Yeah, exactly, and now I'm very clear on it, and I'm happy for it to evolve too.

Lewis Howes 57:52 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 57:53 Like, I don't think it has to stay the same. I may sit with you in two years' time and tell you something completely different.

Lewis Howes 57:58 Right

Jay Shetty 57:58 And I'm okay with that, but I can only work with what I have now. And I think we start trying to postpone our purpose or find a date-

Lewis Howes 58:06 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 58:06 ... by which you have to f- you put a deadline on your purpose? Doesn't make any sense. Like, if it, if you really care about it, how can you put a deadline on it?

Lewis Howes 58:13 I know.

Jay Shetty 58:13 You just keep working towards it.

Lewis Howes 58:15 What are three skills that everyone should try to learn in the next one to two years that will help them in their life tremendously?

Jay Shetty 58:25 Ooh

Lewis Howes 58:26 No matter who you are-

Jay Shetty 58:27 Yeah

Lewis Howes 58:27 ... where you live in the world, three things we could start to practice, learn, master that'll improve our life.

Jay Shetty 58:34 Yeah. That's a great question. You ask me a lot of great questions here.

Lewis Howes 58:37 I know

Jay Shetty 58:37 It's like every question-

Lewis Howes 58:38 I know. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 58:38 ... that's a great question. [laughs] Uh, you reminded me of something which, which I'm gonna share is, a, a bunch of years back, I went to the launch of Eric Schmidt's book, How Google Works.

Lewis Howes 58:50 Nice

Jay Shetty 58:50 And I was in the audience. I, I didn't get to interview him or meet him or anything like that, but I remember sitting in the audience. And there was someone else there who was interviewing him and talking, and they were like... And someone asked this question from the audience. So a student got up, and they said, "What do you think is the number one skill that students should be focusing on?" And they said, "Everyone should become data analysts."

Lewis Howes 59:07 Mm.

Jay Shetty 59:08 They were like, "Everyone should become, everyone in this room should become..." And I was sitting there going-

Lewis Howes 59:11 No

Jay Shetty 59:11 ... I know nothing-

Lewis Howes 59:12 No

Jay Shetty 59:12 ... about being a data analyst. And I think sometimes we throw out these careers or, like, hard skills and technicals and this stuff. Well, not everyone's gonna vibe with that. So I just wanted to share that because-

Lewis Howes 59:21 Yeah

Jay Shetty 59:21 ... I think so often, like, we get bad advice like that, and I'm like-

Lewis Howes 59:24 And-

Jay Shetty 59:24 ... imagine I pursued becoming a data analyst

Lewis Howes 59:26 ... I know, and you have to also know the perspective of the person you're getting that advice from.

Jay Shetty 59:31 Yeah

Lewis Howes 59:31 So your perspective, your, your three things that people should be taking on is gonna come from your-

Jay Shetty 59:36 Correct

Lewis Howes 59:36 ... world perspective-

Jay Shetty 59:37 Correct

Lewis Howes 59:37 ... and your experience of what's worked for you.

Jay Shetty 59:39 Correct

Lewis Howes 59:39 But what would you think?

Jay Shetty 59:40 Yeah. So I'd say the first one for me is learn how to have a conversation with yourself.

Lewis Howes 59:45 Ooh

Jay Shetty 59:46 Like, just learn how to have-

Lewis Howes 59:47 Ooh. Snap

Jay Shetty 59:47 ... a conversation with yourself. Like, if you don't know if... I'll give it... One of the studies that I share in the book, which I absolutely love, uh, men and women were asked either to be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes, or they could give themselves an electric shock if they were bored.

Lewis Howes 1:00:03 [laughs] And they w- they took the shock

Jay Shetty 1:00:05 30% of women chose an electric shock, and 60% of men chose an electric shock because they didn't wanna be alone with their thoughts.

Lewis Howes 1:00:13 For 15 minutes.

Jay Shetty 1:00:14 For 15 minutes. Why is that? Because we have not learned to have a conversation-

Lewis Howes 1:00:18 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:00:19 ... with ourselves.

Lewis Howes 1:00:20 Or even love ourselves.

Jay Shetty 1:00:22 No, we haven't, and, and I think that starts with the conversation.

Lewis Howes 1:00:24 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:00:24 I think you're right. We don't love ourselves, but that starts with learning to talk to yourself. So find time for you to talk to your own mind-

Lewis Howes 1:00:31 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:00:31 ... to talk to yourself, to understand yourself, to m- find out... How many of us, when you go to a restaurant, you know whether you're gonna go back or not-

Lewis Howes 1:00:38 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:00:38 ... based on whether you like the food. When you watch a movie, you know whether you're gonna recommend it to your friends based on whether you liked it or not. Why do we keep visiting the same people, the same places, and doing the same projects when they don't lift us up?

Lewis Howes 1:00:52 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:00:52 So many of us are not aware of the same people that we hang around with that bring us down, the places that don't feed us, they drain our energy, and the projects that don't light us up.

Lewis Howes 1:01:02 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:01:02 But we keep going back there because we don't talk to ourselves.

Lewis Howes 1:01:04 Why? Oh.

Jay Shetty 1:01:05 'Cause we don't talk to ourselves, 'cause no one... Like, I can ask you, "Hey, did you like that restaurant?" But when do we ask ourselves, hey, do, do I like, do I wanna hang out with that person? Does that person want to be-

Lewis Howes 1:01:13 Do I want to be in this relationship?

Jay Shetty 1:01:13 Do I want to be in this relationship?

Lewis Howes 1:01:14 Do I want to be in this job? Do I want to-

Jay Shetty 1:01:15 We just get scared of those conversations, so we avoid them. So that's first tip.

Lewis Howes 1:01:19 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 1:01:19 The second thing is-

Lewis Howes 1:01:20 Learn to have a conversation with yourself

Jay Shetty 1:01:21 ... learn to have a conversation with...

Lewis Howes 1:01:22 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:01:22 ... the second thing is know how your mind tricks you. So we used to play this game in the monastery where every time you lose to your mind, you put a scoreboard up, and you put a one for the mind-

Lewis Howes 1:01:32 You-

Jay Shetty 1:01:32 ... and zero for you

Lewis Howes 1:01:33 ... when you lose to the mind, meaning what?

Jay Shetty 1:01:35 Like, so let's say you make a commitment.

Lewis Howes 1:01:37 Uh-huh.

Jay Shetty 1:01:37 So I make a commitment-

Lewis Howes 1:01:38 Uh

Jay Shetty 1:01:38 ... that I'm not gonna eat sugar-

Lewis Howes 1:01:40 And then you do

Jay Shetty 1:01:40 ... in 2020, and I do

Lewis Howes 1:01:41 ... and the mind, the mind beats you.

Jay Shetty 1:01:42 The mind beats me to it, so I'm gonna put a one for the mind and a zero for me.

Lewis Howes 1:01:45 [laughs] It's great.

Jay Shetty 1:01:46 Right? It's great. It's competing with yourself-

Lewis Howes 1:01:47 It's fun

Jay Shetty 1:01:47 ... in a good way. It's fun, yeah. And people do this with, like, I guess now with, like, dollar jars or whatever.

Lewis Howes 1:01:52 Yeah, or-

Jay Shetty 1:01:52 Like, you put a dollar in-

Lewis Howes 1:01:53 ... I swear or something, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:01:53 ... you say, and you swear. But that doesn't make sense 'cause you end up making money every time you swear.

Lewis Howes 1:01:56 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:01:57 So, so, so, [laughs] so but if you beat your mind and you put it, it's great.

Lewis Howes 1:01:59 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:02:00 So you have to start learning the tricks of your mind.

Lewis Howes 1:02:03 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:02:03 When and how does your mind fool you into making bad decisions?

Lewis Howes 1:02:08 Mm, that's good.

Jay Shetty 1:02:08 If you know that-

Lewis Howes 1:02:10 Where did it fool you the most that it was the hardest for you to overcome?

Jay Shetty 1:02:13 Yeah. I think the biggest thing was... it's probably ego. Like, it's wanting to-

Lewis Howes 1:02:19 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:02:19 ... it's like walking into a room expecting respect, walking into a room expecting to be dealt with in a certain way.

Lewis Howes 1:02:25 Wow.

Jay Shetty 1:02:26 Like, when you-

Lewis Howes 1:02:26 To be, like, get, like, treated with-

Jay Shetty 1:02:28 Treated with... You, you-

Lewis Howes 1:02:29 Royalty

Jay Shetty 1:02:29 ... you buy your own hype, right?

Lewis Howes 1:02:31 Oh, wow.

Jay Shetty 1:02:31 You fall for the stuff. Like, that-

Lewis Howes 1:02:33 Do you still fall for that sometimes?

Jay Shetty 1:02:34 I think we all do, yeah. I think I-

Lewis Howes 1:02:36 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:02:36 ... I think I'd be... I think I would be in ego if I didn't say I did. Like-

Lewis Howes 1:02:39 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:02:39 ... is, like, ego, that's the trick of the ego. The ego makes you think you're untouchable, and the ego makes you think that you are, you know, that nothing about you can, can ever go wrong, or you're, you're perfect or... Not even that, but the ego-

Lewis Howes 1:02:54 Nothing can bring you down.

Jay Shetty 1:02:55 Nothing can-

Lewis Howes 1:02:55 Nothing can hurt you.

Jay Shetty 1:02:56 Correct

Lewis Howes 1:02:56 ... nothing can-

Jay Shetty 1:02:56 It, when, the moment you think you can't be brought down, you will be brought down.

Lewis Howes 1:03:01 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:03:01 The moment you think that you can't... Like, one of my teachers would always pray that he never... And he's been a monk for 40 years. He would always pray that he would never fall to his temptations. And we said to him, "You haven't fallen to your temptations for 40 years. Why do you pray for that?" He goes, "I haven't fallen because I pray for it."

Lewis Howes 1:03:19 Wow.

Jay Shetty 1:03:20 Like, he was like, "Because I pray for it. Because I'm aware."

Lewis Howes 1:03:22 Not just 'cause I think it's gonna... Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:03:23 Totally. He's aware, and there's a beautiful story of, um, Benjamin Franklin where he talks about before he died, I believe he had 13 or 14 precepts. These were qualities that he wanted to-

Lewis Howes 1:03:34 Huh. Live by

Jay Shetty 1:03:35 ... gain, live by and gain, so they were, like, simplicity, integrity, virtues, all these powerful things. And he was asked when he was on his deathbed which was the one he didn't accomplish, and he said the last one. That was humility.

Lewis Howes 1:03:46 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:03:47 And that's, like, the display of humility. Like, you can't think you're at humility and then be humble. Like, that's not possible. It's an oxymoron. So-

Lewis Howes 1:03:55 How do you stay humble with all, with greatness happening?

Jay Shetty 1:03:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:03:59 You know, if you're achieving your dreams, you're making an impact, you're doing great stuff, how do you stay humble?

Jay Shetty 1:04:03 I think the biggest one is surround yourself with people who are constantly better than you. And when I say better, I don't just mean materially. I mean-

Lewis Howes 1:04:10 Like-

Jay Shetty 1:04:10 ... when I'm around my monk teachers, I just feel filthy.

Lewis Howes 1:04:12 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:04:13 Like, they're so pu-

Lewis Howes 1:04:13 I'm a dirty human being

Jay Shetty 1:04:14 ... yeah, yeah, they're so pure-

Lewis Howes 1:04:15 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:04:16 ... that it's such a mirror reflection. I'm around them, and I'm like, "Whoa, I've got so much w-

Lewis Howes 1:04:20 Wow

Jay Shetty 1:04:20 ... I am so-

Lewis Howes 1:04:20 I'm a slob

Jay Shetty 1:04:20 ... yeah, I've got so much, like, dirt."

Lewis Howes 1:04:23 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:04:23 And, and that's a good thing. Like, I love being around them, and they don't say that to me. Like, they don't make me feel that way. It's just that you get a mir- When you're around people who are transparent, you get a reflection of yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:04:33 Wow.

Jay Shetty 1:04:33 Like, so I get that when I'm with them. So first thing is spend time with people who are more spiritually elevated-

Lewis Howes 1:04:38 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:04:38 ... and more conscious because you get a reflection without them even saying it.

Lewis Howes 1:04:41 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:04:42 The second thing is keep increasing your goalposts. Like, most of us are not... Our goals should keep us humble, not other people's goals. We try and think other people's goals keep us humble-

Lewis Howes 1:04:52 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:04:52 ... because we're, like, looking at what people are doing.

Lewis Howes 1:04:53 Right, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:04:53 It's like, your goalposts-

Lewis Howes 1:04:55 Should never be achieving or-

Jay Shetty 1:04:56 Sh-

Lewis Howes 1:04:56 ... it should be bigger and bigger all the time

Jay Shetty 1:04:57 ... yeah, bigger and bigger and bigger all the time. Always thank the people who gave you the gift-

Lewis Howes 1:05:02 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:05:02 ... that is being recognized. Like, if you're being recognized for a gift, someone gave that to you somewhere.

Lewis Howes 1:05:12 Thank your mentor.

Jay Shetty 1:05:12 Thank your mentor.

Lewis Howes 1:05:13 Thank your monk teachers.

Jay Shetty 1:05:13 Thank your teachers.

Lewis Howes 1:05:13 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:05:13 Give it, give it back to them because I think we forget that. Like, you start thinking you're self-made, and, and I don't think anyone's genuinely self-made. I just don't think that's true because someone had to give you an, an interruption, an interaction, an exchange, a skill-

Lewis Howes 1:05:27 An idea

Jay Shetty 1:05:27 ... a gift, an idea, whatever it was. These are really fun questions. This is like-

Lewis Howes 1:05:30 The first one is have a conversation with yourself.

Jay Shetty 1:05:31 Learn how to have a conversation.

Lewis Howes 1:05:32 Learn how to have a conver-

Jay Shetty 1:05:33 Second is know how your mind tricks you and be fully aware of it.

Lewis Howes 1:05:35 Uh-huh. And humil- was humility a part of that, or no, that just-

Jay Shetty 1:05:37 I, I would say that was just my personal example-

Lewis Howes 1:05:39 Your, got it

Jay Shetty 1:05:39 ... of what I think-

Lewis Howes 1:05:40 Cool

Jay Shetty 1:05:40 ... I can, I can struggle with sometimes.

Lewis Howes 1:05:41 Okay, and the third skill that everyone should learn?

Jay Shetty 1:05:43 And I think the third skill everyone should learn is how to have difficult conversations with other people.

Lewis Howes 1:05:52 [laughs] So hard.

Jay Shetty 1:05:54 Because I think that marriages are made of it.

Lewis Howes 1:05:57 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:05:57 Dating's made of it. Friendships are made of it. I think sometimes we've had some difficult conver-

Lewis Howes 1:06:02 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:06:02 ... like, in the sense of I had to call you up and say... And, and it's like I think we're good at that with each other.

Lewis Howes 1:06:05 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:06:05 And that's why our friendship is strong, 'cause I think we're honest with each other, and-

Lewis Howes 1:06:09 Yes

Jay Shetty 1:06:09 ... I feel that you feel comfortable-

Lewis Howes 1:06:10 Yes, completely

Jay Shetty 1:06:10 ... telling me stuff. Like, we've had email exchanges where you've, you've been honest with me, and I've been honest with you.

Lewis Howes 1:06:14 Of course, of course.

Jay Shetty 1:06:15 And, like, I think that's good because I think when you don't have tough conversations with people, your, your relationships just, just sit on the surface-

Lewis Howes 1:06:22 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:06:23 ... and they never go anywhere.

Lewis Howes 1:06:23 And you learn about how deep the relationship is through the challenging conversations.

Jay Shetty 1:06:28 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:28 You learn, like, if you break up because of one bad conversation, whether a friendship or-

Jay Shetty 1:06:33 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:06:34 ... family member, whatever, if you, like, distance each other because you can't handle this hard conversation or a challenging one-

Jay Shetty 1:06:39 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:06:40 ... is the relationship strong?

Jay Shetty 1:06:41 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:42 Do you wanna be around this person more?

Jay Shetty 1:06:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:44 Or maybe you shouldn't be around this person.

Jay Shetty 1:06:45 Totally.

Lewis Howes 1:06:46 So I think you learn about each other, and you learn about the relationship during that. I think that's a good one.

Jay Shetty 1:06:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:50 So those are three good points.

Jay Shetty 1:06:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:51 Relationships is something that you ta- it's probably the most engaged points on Instagram and on your social media content, your videos. I'm assuming 80% of the biggest ones are around relationships. It's assumption. Maybe I'm wrong.

Jay Shetty 1:07:07 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:07:07 But it seems to be like it triggers people ... relationship information. Why is it so hard to be in an intimate relationship, and what's the best way to enter one-

Jay Shetty 1:07:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:07:15 ... with the intention of having a beautiful experience together long-term?

Jay Shetty 1:07:19 I think it's so hard because people don't know how they want to receive love, and they don't know how to give love.

Lewis Howes 1:07:27 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:07:27 And like we said earlier, that the old wisdom is-

Lewis Howes 1:07:30 Expected, yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:07:31 ... is, is like to love and be loved is the biggest need, but we don't know how to love and how to give love, and we carry so much of our baggage from previous relationships and experiences-

Lewis Howes 1:07:41 So much

Jay Shetty 1:07:42 ... and we bring them into a new person. So it's like, "That person treated me like that, that must mean all men or all women are like that," which means now when I'm with this woman, I'm going to look at her through the lens of the last person that I was with.

Lewis Howes 1:07:55 And look for them to, to, to create this experience again, right? Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:07:59 Exactly, yeah. So you enter-

Lewis Howes 1:08:00 Find evidence of why-

Jay Shetty 1:08:01 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:08:01 ... this person is this way, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:08:03 Exactly, and so now you're approaching each person with the baggage of the last person, which doesn't make sense. You're not coming at it from a fresh, new experience, with the same lessons for yourself, but we start applying the lessons to the other person.

Lewis Howes 1:08:16 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:08:16 So I think that's the reason why we struggle to have an intimate connection.

Lewis Howes 1:08:20 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:08:20 Now, one of the things I talk about in here are the, are the five types of attraction.

Lewis Howes 1:08:23 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:08:24 And, and the reason why I think this is the best way to figure out-

Lewis Howes 1:08:26 Attraction or love language?

Jay Shetty 1:08:27 No, no, no. These are the five types-

Lewis Howes 1:08:28 Okay

Jay Shetty 1:08:28 ... of attraction that I talk about.

Lewis Howes 1:08:30 Go ahead.

Jay Shetty 1:08:30 So the five types of attraction are physical, financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual, and I'll explain what I mean by all of them. So physical's obvious.

Lewis Howes 1:08:40 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:08:40 She or he is hot.

Lewis Howes 1:08:42 Attracted to them, okay.

Jay Shetty 1:08:42 I'm attracted to them. Financial or wealth, I like what they own, I like what they have-

Lewis Howes 1:08:48 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:08:48 ... I like what they've achieved. I, I like that he went to Princeton or Harvard.

Lewis Howes 1:08:52 Right. The status, the-

Jay Shetty 1:08:52 I like that she's a scientist or a CEO. I like that she's a supermodel. Like, you like their status, right?

Lewis Howes 1:09:00 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:09:00 So you're attracted to that. The third thing that we're attracted to is people's mental abilities. This is like when you're attracted to someone's mind. Like, you just love the way they think.

Lewis Howes 1:09:10 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:09:11 You love the way they articulate themselves. You love all of that. Like, you're attracted to that. The fourth is the emotional.

Lewis Howes 1:09:18 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:09:18 This is when you're attracted to someone's emotional intelligence. You're like, "Oh, they're very caring."

Lewis Howes 1:09:21 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:09:21 "They're compassionate."

Lewis Howes 1:09:23 Supportive.

Jay Shetty 1:09:23 "They, they're supportive. They have these good traits." And the fifth and final one is spiritual, where you're like, you're, you're connected to that person's values on a very deep level.

Lewis Howes 1:09:30 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:09:30 Like, what they really live by. Now, notice the first three, I equate them to chemistry.

Lewis Howes 1:09:36 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:09:37 And the last two, I equate to compatibility. So the first three are chemistry, and most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three. But here's the issue: You can feel chemistry multiple times per day. You can feel it with the receptionist.

Lewis Howes 1:09:55 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:09:55 You can feel it with your personal trainer. You can feel it with the barista at the coffee shop. You can feel it with the waiter or the waitress.

Lewis Howes 1:10:00 The spark is feeling.

Jay Shetty 1:10:01 The spark, you can feel that anywhere. Like, you can find someone attractive by one of those qualities every single day, and the challenge is we get into a relationship based on simply one of the first three.

Lewis Howes 1:10:13 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:10:14 And there's nothing wrong with that as a starting point. It just can't be the end point. And so what we do is we keep convincing ourself that the first three of compa- chemistry is more powerful than the last two of compatibility, and we're letting chemistry do the heavy w- lifting. We're let-

Lewis Howes 1:10:30 But it can't

Jay Shetty 1:10:30 ... and it can't. We're, we're making chemistry do the heavy lifting, the heavy work, the, like, pull and push and, like, okay, like, you, you just take care of this. That's why so many people rely on good sex to save a relationship. They w-

Lewis Howes 1:10:42 You know, always be in conflict.

Jay Shetty 1:10:43 Totally.

Lewis Howes 1:10:43 If the values and the compatibility are not there, and you're relying on chemistry, there'll always be some conflict.

Jay Shetty 1:10:49 Always.

Lewis Howes 1:10:49 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:10:50 And, and chemistry really easily is those top three, and which is good to have-

Lewis Howes 1:10:53 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:10:53 ... so you should, but my point is-

Lewis Howes 1:10:54 You need to have both

Jay Shetty 1:10:55 ... you need to have both. But you can't just say, "Because I'm mentally attracted to how that person thinks, that's good marriage material."

Lewis Howes 1:11:02 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:11:03 That's not good enough. You can't say, because that, because some, we make broad generala- generalizations. We say things like, "Oh, because he or she has a top degree from a top college or a business school, and they're at a top company, they must be really kind, loving-

Lewis Howes 1:11:16 Right, compassionate

Jay Shetty 1:11:17 ... and organized." It's like, what?

Lewis Howes 1:11:19 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:11:19 Like, how did you just j-

Lewis Howes 1:11:19 They have good parents, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:11:20 Yeah, must have had good par- How did you just draw that parallel? And so that's the way I would talk about entering a relationship-

Lewis Howes 1:11:27 Wow

Jay Shetty 1:11:27 ... is it can start with the first three, but don't let it end without the last two.

Lewis Howes 1:11:31 Mm, yeah, have the emotional and the spiritual, the values along there.

Jay Shetty 1:11:35 Correct. That has to align for a real long-lasting relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:11:38 I, I feel like I could do this for another three hours.

Jay Shetty 1:11:39 Me too, man.

Lewis Howes 1:11:40 This is amazing.

Jay Shetty 1:11:41 So good.

Lewis Howes 1:11:41 Um, I wanna finish with one, uh-

Jay Shetty 1:11:42 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:11:43 ... one thought about service, because you live a life of service. I feel like my mission is to be of service, too.

Jay Shetty 1:11:49 You are, 100%.

Lewis Howes 1:11:49 In my business, in my relationships, with my friendships, it's all about service for me as well. And this is a, I think it's a quote from the Bhagavad Gita. Is that what it is? The, uh-

Jay Shetty 1:11:57 Which one is it?

Lewis Howes 1:11:58 ... plant trees?

Jay Shetty 1:11:59 No, so this, this one is, like, a, a famous statement that we-

Lewis Howes 1:12:01 It's a statement. Gotcha

Jay Shetty 1:12:01 ... yeah, yeah, that we share. Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12:03 Where you say, "Plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit." I remember you told me that-

Jay Shetty 1:12:07 Yeah, this one's from the Bhagavad Gita, yeah

Lewis Howes 1:12:08 ... you told me that a couple of years ago, and I remember-

Jay Shetty 1:12:09 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:12:09 ... that really blew my mind, because in business, when I started out, I think it was a lot of, like, "Okay, let me do this for you, and you do this for me."

Jay Shetty 1:12:19 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:12:19 "Let's do reciprocal type of stuff." Uh, I was in the online marketing world, where it was about joint ventureships, it was about affiliate marketing, and I'll do this, you, and then you promote me, right? And then I started to shift it. When I got into the podcast seven years ago, I said, "I'm just gonna bring on people I like, and I'm just gonna serve. If it comes around, cool. If not, cool." And it's, it's hard, I think, to switch that mentality, but it's so rewarding to come from a place of giving and service, to literally wanting to see other people succeed, whether they help you or not in return.

Jay Shetty 1:12:51 Mm. Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:12:52 How do we get to that place of that mindset when we're like, "But I really need some help right now, and I really want someone to support me in return, and I don't wanna give all my energy to someone if they're never gonna give me anything in return"?

Jay Shetty 1:13:04 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:13:04 How do we balance that?

Jay Shetty 1:13:05 Yeah. No, that's such a s- a smart question, because I think the challenge is that we become overly compassionate often to people in a certain way. So, so what I mean by that is- Being compassionate and being giving isn't about spending your whole day with one person who needs your attention and affection if your purpose is to do something different. So for example, you're putting out this podcast.

Lewis Howes 1:13:31 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:13:31 You put out video content, you write books. This is serving lots of different people in lots of ways, and you're not expecting, apart from the person buying the book-

Lewis Howes 1:13:39 Right

Jay Shetty 1:13:39 ... and, and getting the value from it, you're not really expecting them to do anything for you, right?

Lewis Howes 1:13:42 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:13:42 You're not asking them to come and champion for you if they don't want to. So you're already planting those seeds. You're already sharing in that way. And I think the mistake we make is when we are overly compassionate to one person, and we're doing it expecting that they're gonna do something back, right? So the only way to-

Lewis Howes 1:14:01 So in other words, don't be overly compassionate expecting something in return.

Jay Shetty 1:14:04 Yeah, don't... Just, just, if you see yourself-

Lewis Howes 1:14:06 Just don't do that if you're gonna do that

Jay Shetty 1:14:07 ... just don't do that if you're gonna feel that.

Lewis Howes 1:14:08 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:14:09 And, and that's okay. Like, that doesn't make you less compassionate. It doesn't make you a bad person. Like, if I don't want to, and I, and I have rules about... There are certain people in my life that I don't ask for favors.

Lewis Howes 1:14:18 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:14:18 Because I don't ever wanna be in a position where I'm having to ask them, because-

Lewis Howes 1:14:22 No

Jay Shetty 1:14:22 ... not that they wouldn't do it or whatever, I just don't wanna do that.

Lewis Howes 1:14:24 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:14:24 It's just not who I am, and that's like... But that's fine, and there are certain people in my life that I won't give to because I know they're gonna keep asking for stuff. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:14:31 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:14:31 And so you have to protect yourself, and I think self-protection and being honest with yourself is the best way. So the, the... My favorite analogy in this is if someone's drowning in the ocean, if you're fit and healthy, and you're a lifeguard, great, you can go and save them. But if you're not, you might need to call the real lifeguard to come and help them out.

Lewis Howes 1:14:50 Right. Wow.

Jay Shetty 1:14:51 And that's what real compassion is.

Lewis Howes 1:14:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:14:53 Real compassion, if you can't help someone, if you're feeling toxic one day, you're feeling negative one day, you're feeling you're not really giving from your heart, it's better to introduce them to someone or find someone else who can help them than to go in there-

Lewis Howes 1:15:04 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:15:04 ... with all these toxic emotions, and now you're expecting them to live up-

Lewis Howes 1:15:07 Return the favor or whatever

Jay Shetty 1:15:08 ... return the favor.

Lewis Howes 1:15:09 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:15:09 It's better to not do it. If you're gonna do something, and in your heart of hearts, you're actually feeling bitter and regretting it, it's better not to do it because guess what?

Lewis Howes 1:15:16 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:15:16 You weren't compassionate when you did it with that intention.

Lewis Howes 1:15:18 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:15:19 Compassion's about intention. It's not about the result. Like, two people could give the same amount to charity. One person gives it for PR. One person gives it 'cause they care about the kids. Who's happy? The person who gave it for the kids.

Lewis Howes 1:15:33 Right.

Jay Shetty 1:15:33 The person... Both people's money had the same impact, but the intention is what defined what happened. So if you're be- begrudgingly going out there and helping someone be- and in your heart of hearts, you're like, "Oh, I can't believe they asked me. Who are they?" Like, "I don't even like them," like, "They never help me," and then you help them, that... Guess what? That's not compassion.

Lewis Howes 1:15:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:15:54 Protect yourself. Deal with it. Deal with that toxic emotion. So I don't help people that... when I feel like that, and I give myself that, that space.

Lewis Howes 1:16:01 You just say no or, "I'm not busy," or-

Jay Shetty 1:16:02 No, yeah, I just say, "No." Yeah, I can't... Well, I'll be honest with them. I'll say I... uh, honest in the best way that you can of, "I don't think I can support you on this because I d- I don't feel great about it," or, "It doesn't make sense to me."

Lewis Howes 1:16:12 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:16:12 Or whatever it is, like-

Lewis Howes 1:16:13 It's not the right fit or-

Jay Shetty 1:16:13 ... it's not the right fit. And I think that's actually stopping yourself from being a people pleaser.

Lewis Howes 1:16:18 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:16:18 Because we, we actually are not compassionate. We're just people pleasers. We actually just want people to think we're, like, magnanimous and amazing, so we'll go and... go to every, you know, everything to support everyone, but it's like-

Lewis Howes 1:16:29 We're, we're resentful people pleasers.

Jay Shetty 1:16:31 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:16:31 We please, and then we're resentful that we'd had-

Jay Shetty 1:16:34 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:16:34 ... didn't get what we wanted in return.

Jay Shetty 1:16:34 And then now we wanna make them feel guilty for not doing it back.

Lewis Howes 1:16:37 Yeah, yeah, of course.

Jay Shetty 1:16:37 So I make a conscious effort to support the people I love-

Lewis Howes 1:16:40 Yes

Jay Shetty 1:16:40 ... to, to make an effort with the people I love and do more there, and that's, that's fine. Your compassion doesn't a- You don't have to be this overarching person who's, like, doing it for everyone.

Lewis Howes 1:16:49 Right, right.

Jay Shetty 1:16:49 Like, that's, that's part of the journey.

Lewis Howes 1:16:51 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:16:51 It's gonna take time to get there.

Lewis Howes 1:16:52 Of course. Uh, I appreciate you, man. I love, I love our hangs. I love our time together. I love this. This is gonna blow people away. This is gonna inspire and impact a lot of people. I got, uh, one final question for you.

Jay Shetty 1:17:02 Oh.

Lewis Howes 1:17:02 But make sure you guys get this book. I'm telling you, this will be the book of the year. Go get it. Get a few copies for your friends. Think Like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day. I rarely read books, but this is one I'm almost finished, and just going through the rest of this while I'm here, I'm like, "This is unbelievable," everything. He's talking about the monk method, everything else. You wanna get it. There's gonna be one tool in here that's gonna change your life or support you. Go get this book. I highly recommend it. Uh, you can get it on Amazon. You can get it in stores. You can find it on your website, on your Instagram, on social media. Jay Shetty everywhere. Go follow him. Are you, are you... What are you on Instagram? Are you I- am, uh-

Jay Shetty 1:17:42 Jay Shetty.

Lewis Howes 1:17:43 There used to be something else on Facebook.

Jay Shetty 1:17:44 It, it used to be Jay Shetty IW.

Lewis Howes 1:17:46 What is it? Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:17:46 Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:47 On Facebook, is it still that?

Jay Shetty 1:17:48 Yeah, on Twitter. I think it's still that on Twitter, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:50 Okay, it's on Facebook. What, do you... On, on-

Jay Shetty 1:17:51 Yeah, yeah

Lewis Howes 1:17:52 ... just search Jay Shetty.

Jay Shetty 1:17:53 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:17:53 You'll find him. Um, and what else? How else can we support you with this book right now? Is there something special if they get the book?

Jay Shetty 1:17:59 Yeah, so right now for anyone who pre-orders-

Lewis Howes 1:18:01 Yep

Jay Shetty 1:18:02 ... everyone's getting access to an exclusive workshop that I made, which are four steps to train your mind for peace and purpose every day.

Lewis Howes 1:18:08 Wow.

Jay Shetty 1:18:08 It's a video that we made just around the book, and you get these four incredible steps that you can practice, really simple-

Lewis Howes 1:18:14 Wow

Jay Shetty 1:18:14 ... and some reflection exercises as well. And, and, you know, my real... And I mean-

Lewis Howes 1:18:17 And so when they, when they get the book, and they... How do they get that?

Jay Shetty 1:18:19 So if you pre-order the book from thinklikeamonkbook.com-

Lewis Howes 1:18:22 Okay

Jay Shetty 1:18:23 ... you get access to the workshop. It will be sent to you.

Lewis Howes 1:18:25 Gotcha.

Jay Shetty 1:18:25 And if you pre-order the book from anywhere else, you can go to thinklikeamonkbook.com-

Lewis Howes 1:18:29 Submit

Jay Shetty 1:18:29 ... submit your order confirmation-

Lewis Howes 1:18:31 Cool

Jay Shetty 1:18:31 ... or number, and you'll still get it. So-

Lewis Howes 1:18:32 So thinklikeamonkbook.com

Jay Shetty 1:18:34 ... book.com. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:18:35 To get the bonuses.

Jay Shetty 1:18:35 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:18:36 And anything else or where you're touring and what's happening-

Jay Shetty 1:18:38 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:18:38 ... in the future will be on there on thinklikeamonkbook.com.

Jay Shetty 1:18:40 Absolutely. Yeah, everything's gonna be on that website.

Lewis Howes 1:18:42 Cool.

Jay Shetty 1:18:42 And, and I think the big thing for me, Lewis, honestly, and, and I know you can relate to this, and I, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, it's like if, if my videos have impacted anyone in any way, like if they've had even the tiniest impact on your family member or loved one, if my, if my podcasts have, like, been useful to you, you know, it's like I really encourage you to go and support me on this book.

Lewis Howes 1:19:03 Of course.

Jay Shetty 1:19:03 Like, I, I would really appreciate the help because it's like we've just been putting out so much content, like-

Lewis Howes 1:19:09 Free

Jay Shetty 1:19:09 ... free, like three videos a week, two podcasts a week.

Lewis Howes 1:19:12 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:19:12 Like, we're creating all of this to serve and serve and serve, and this is one thing that I want you to have in your home.

Lewis Howes 1:19:16 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:19:16 And, and I believe that it's my best work.

Lewis Howes 1:19:18 It's unbelievable, man.

Jay Shetty 1:19:19 So, so I really... Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:19:20 It's... Here's the thing.

Jay Shetty 1:19:20 I'd really appreciate it.

Lewis Howes 1:19:21 You... Einstein, you quoted Einstein in here.

Jay Shetty 1:19:23 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:19:24 "You don't master something until you learn to share it simply," or something like that.

Jay Shetty 1:19:27 If, if you can't ex- if you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Lewis Howes 1:19:31 Exactly, and- It's hard to train your mind for peace and purpose every day in a complex, chaotic, scarcity-minded world or environment at times. It's really hard to think, "How do I find peace? How do I find happiness? How do I have a conversation with my mind? How do I l- not let my mind trick me? How do I stay, uh, in a neutral environment, uh, reaction when I wanna react to everything?" It's really complicated to do these things, but you break it down in such a simple-

Jay Shetty 1:20:01 Thanks, man

Lewis Howes 1:20:01 ... beautiful, easy way where it doesn't overcomplicate, it simplifies. And I think that's why this is a... You're doing a disservice to yourself and the people that you love without, if you don't buy this and get this for your friends and family. I'm gonna get a bunch of copies and give them away when I have them here in the studio-

Jay Shetty 1:20:17 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:20:17 ... to people, and hand them to people that come in. This is the book of the year. Make sure you guys go get Think Like a Monk. It's going to really transform-

Jay Shetty 1:20:24 Thanks, man

Lewis Howes 1:20:24 ... everything in your life and help you.

Jay Shetty 1:20:26 Thanks, man.

Lewis Howes 1:20:26 Give it to a friend who might be struggling or just wants more peace. Doesn't matter, you don't have to be in so much pain, but if you just want more to life, get this as well.

Jay Shetty 1:20:34 Thanks, man.

Lewis Howes 1:20:35 Highly recommend it. ThinkLikeAMonkBook.com. This is, um... I asked you the three truths question the last time.

Jay Shetty 1:20:42 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:20:42 And I don't know if it's different or not now, and I'm gonna g-

Jay Shetty 1:20:44 I don't even remember what I said last time, so

Lewis Howes 1:20:45 I don't either. I'm gonna go look back at it and see what it was and compare the two. So let's... You've learned a lot in the last two years, so would this be different? We'll see. But if this was your last day and you had to take all of your work with you, all this book, it had to go with you into the next world you're going to, wherever that is, and there's no more videos of Jay Shetty, no more content, no more Instagram, no more social media, and it all had to go away with you to the next place, what would be three lessons you would leave behind for us to live by?

Jay Shetty 1:21:14 Oh, that's such a good question, man. [laughs] It's... So that's like-

Lewis Howes 1:21:17 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:21:17 ... oh, what would I share?

Lewis Howes 1:21:19 Three lessons for us to live by. This is all you could share with the world.

Jay Shetty 1:21:24 The first one I'd say is you can't be anything you want, but you can be everything you are.

Lewis Howes 1:21:30 That's great.

Jay Shetty 1:21:31 The first day I shared that publicly was at the Summit of Greatness.

Lewis Howes 1:21:34 That's right, I remember that.

Jay Shetty 1:21:35 So when I gave the keynote at the Summit of Greatness, I, I shared it that day because it was a reflection I'd had for a long time. But I think I'd have to say that because I think we get so lost trying to be everyone that we don't become anyone, and then we don't find the one that we're meant to be.

Lewis Howes 1:21:48 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:21:48 And so I, I'd say that's the first one.

Lewis Howes 1:21:50 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:21:50 There's the second one that I'd say is... And this is, we know this through studies and science and everything, it's like just don't miss an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you.

Lewis Howes 1:22:04 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:22:04 Like, just don't... And I said it better than that somewhere, I can't find it right now, but I, I mean that. Like, just don't miss an opportunity. Like, I was saying that with my mentor, I always told him I loved him, always.

Lewis Howes 1:22:14 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:22:14 And now that I can't tell him anymore, I'm just glad I did tell him. And so I-

Lewis Howes 1:22:17 Without regretting it.

Jay Shetty 1:22:18 Yeah, totally. So, like, don't ever leave someone without, w- don't ever leave someone without telling them how much they mean to you, because you don't know when they'll leave.

Lewis Howes 1:22:29 Oh.

Jay Shetty 1:22:30 And, and so, like, that is just like... Never let your last interaction with someone, you know-

Lewis Howes 1:22:35 Be a bad one

Jay Shetty 1:22:36 ... be a bad one

Lewis Howes 1:22:37 Or be a missed opportunity-

Jay Shetty 1:22:37 Yeah, yeah

Lewis Howes 1:22:38 ... to express love or just generosity or kindness.

Jay Shetty 1:22:40 Exact- especially the people you love, right?

Lewis Howes 1:22:41 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:22:41 Like, you may have bad interactions with people you... Once or twice-

Lewis Howes 1:22:44 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:22:44 ... or bus- what, but the people that are close to you and you love, the people you'll regret it with-

Lewis Howes 1:22:48 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:22:48 ... don't, just don't.

Lewis Howes 1:22:49 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:22:49 It's just not worth living with.

Lewis Howes 1:22:50 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:22:51 Um-

Lewis Howes 1:22:52 The la- the only thing you'll be able to share left-

Jay Shetty 1:22:54 Yeah, I know. I know

Lewis Howes 1:22:54 ... to the world, what is the final truth?

Jay Shetty 1:22:56 Don't settle. Like, just don't settle. You don't, you don't, just don't, don't think that you're at the peak of what you were meant to do, because you probably don't know unless you try.

Lewis Howes 1:23:06 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:23:06 And so for most people, I feel like just don't settle, because I think we just give in too early and... Don't settle for service, right? It's like, that's the reason, that's the intention. It's like service-

Lewis Howes 1:23:18 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:23:18 ... is the one that's pulling you along. And so don't settle for service. The world needs service.

Lewis Howes 1:23:23 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:23:23 The world needs your service, the world needs your genius, the world needs your passion, and you just don't know it yet.

Lewis Howes 1:23:29 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:23:29 And, and the day you realize it, you'll be grateful that you went the whole way. As, as I know we... Like, I feel... I, I look back and I'm just like, "God, like, I would've just been sitting there working a corporate job and not known all the people I know now and connected with this amazing community and met you." I just wouldn't have had it. And so I'm-

Lewis Howes 1:23:46 If you didn't go for it

Jay Shetty 1:23:46 ... if I didn't go for it, if I didn't... If I just settled that my service was this. So don't settle for service.

Lewis Howes 1:23:52 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:23:53 Service deserves the best of you.

Lewis Howes 1:23:54 Yeah, man.

Jay Shetty 1:23:55 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:23:55 Dude, I really appreciate you.

Jay Shetty 1:23:56 Amazing.

Lewis Howes 1:23:56 I appreciate you. I, I love you, I love our friendship.

Jay Shetty 1:23:58 I love you too, man. Yeah, me too.

Lewis Howes 1:24:00 I'm really grateful for the amount of attention to service you have in the world because your commitment to making content go viral, making the information that we all need go viral, is so profound and powerful. And you've been through so much in the last few years. Good challenges, opportunities, growth, different things, and I, I really admire how you continue to show up, how you continue to lean into the practice every morning of meditating, of doing your best. I mean, you're not perfect, but you constantly show up with your best, and I acknowledge you for that, man.

Jay Shetty 1:24:33 Thank you, man.

Lewis Howes 1:24:33 I'm grateful for you and our friendship.

Jay Shetty 1:24:34 Thank you, man. Me too, man.

Lewis Howes 1:24:35 I love you, man.

Jay Shetty 1:24:35 And I, I wanna say, too, everyone who's listening to Lewis, and I know you've all loved him for many years, but it's just like you've just, you've been the same since we became friends.

Lewis Howes 1:24:44 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:24:44 And I, I... My rule for friendship is I trust consistency.

Lewis Howes 1:24:48 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:24:48 So I don't like people who change with the times or I don't vibe... Those people don't survive around me-

Lewis Howes 1:24:53 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:24:53 ... for long amounts of time.

Lewis Howes 1:24:54 Hopefully I grow and get better for you. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:24:56 You... No, you grow and get better. I mean, like, the relationship-

Lewis Howes 1:24:58 Yeah, I get it

Jay Shetty 1:24:58 ... and the, the connection, the friendship, the, the kindness-

Lewis Howes 1:25:01 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:25:01 ... has stayed the same.

Lewis Howes 1:25:02 Of course.

Jay Shetty 1:25:03 It's never dwindled in tough times for me. It's never become more in successful times for me. It's, it's al- you've always been the same in that way.

Lewis Howes 1:25:11 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:25:11 And those, I think, are positive, powerful friendship traits, when someone is continuing to love, continuing to show up, continue to be kind to you no matter what you're going through, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:25:20 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:25:20 And I think that that, you really... Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:25:23 You learn a lot about someone on how they don't show up for you when you're going through a challenging time.

Jay Shetty 1:25:28 That's why challenges are the best. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:25:30 And you learn a lot about someone when they only reach out to you when they see you succeed.

Jay Shetty 1:25:35 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:25:36 And so make sure you're always showing up for people consistently either way, good or bad, high or low, whatever it may be, be consistent like that, like that quarterback in the game. Just be consistent.

Jay Shetty 1:25:47 And if you're going through a tough time, the best lesson you learn from a tough time is who really cares.

Lewis Howes 1:25:51 That's it, man.

Jay Shetty 1:25:52 And so it's a g-

Lewis Howes 1:25:52 You learn and-

Jay Shetty 1:25:53 And it's, it just lets you drop. Like, everything drops and you just know.

Lewis Howes 1:25:56 You purge friendships.

Jay Shetty 1:25:57 Like, it's the best. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:25:58 It is.

Jay Shetty 1:25:58 It's like, it's the best.

Lewis Howes 1:25:59 It's the worst and the best.

Jay Shetty 1:26:00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:26:01 But you gotta find the meaning in the challenges.

Jay Shetty 1:26:02 Correct.

Lewis Howes 1:26:03 And that's where you find the meaning.

Jay Shetty 1:26:04 That's it.

Lewis Howes 1:26:04 Jay Shetty, my man.

Jay Shetty 1:26:05 Love you, bro.

Lewis Howes 1:26:05 Go get the book.

Jay Shetty 1:26:05 Love this.

Lewis Howes 1:26:06 Love you, man.

Jay Shetty 1:26:06 Thank you, man.

Lewis Howes 1:26:06 Appreciate it.

Jay Shetty 1:26:06 Thanks so much, bro.

Lewis Howes 1:26:07 Thank you so much for watching this episode with Jay Shetty. If you enjoyed it, make sure to subscribe and click the like button below, and check out this episode with Wim Hof on the breathing meditation techniques that will blow you away.

Speaker 1:26:19 Awaken, so it is able to run the blood flow better through the body, bring the nutrients, oxygens, and, uh, and the vitamins, the life force itself into the system