BIGGEST Dating Problems: Why 80% Of People CAN'T FIND LOVE! | Stephan Speaks

Stephan Speaks 0:00 They don't wanna face-

Lewis Howes 0:01 Hmm. Man

Stephan Speaks 0:01 ... the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't wanna have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want. Because what people are not realizing is-

Lewis Howes 0:16 I think you gotta have a dream.

Speaker 0:17 The School of Greatness.

Lewis Howes 0:18 Really? [laughs] Yeah.

Speaker 0:19 Please welcome Lewis Howes.

Lewis Howes 0:21 Biggest question I think a lot of people have right now is why do people have such a hard time these days finding love during these times?

Stephan Speaks 0:30 You're-

Lewis Howes 0:30 Why is it so hard?

Stephan Speaks 0:31 Well, all right, now when we say during these times, are we talking about pandemic times as well or are we talking about- [laughs]

Lewis Howes 0:36 Talking about everything. Everything. Social media, pandemic, m- millions of options out there. Hard to focus on one par- all these different challenges.

Stephan Speaks 0:43 Now, you know what? I, I wanna start with the social media. I used to be someone that said, "You know what? Social media's not the problem. It's people. Social media simply exposes the issue." Which I still believe that, but I have come to a place of seeing how evil [laughs] social media can be. How much damage it can cause-

Lewis Howes 1:03 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:03 ... in people's relationships. But not just simply the, the negativity it pours into people's relationships, but the expectations now that it sets in different ways for people. Like, you have men who are forgetting what an average woman looks like because they're looking at IG models all day.

Lewis Howes 1:19 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:20 All right? You have women forgetting that, you know, not every guy has a million dollars and can shower you with a ridiculous amount of gifts. They're seeing this luxury life being lived. Now, of course, everyone doesn't fall for that-

Lewis Howes 1:31 Right

Stephan Speaks 1:31 ... but a lot of people are. And I do think it's impacting people's ability to appreciate relationships and, and different levels of what we, how we engage with each other compared to what it used to be. It's so different now.

Lewis Howes 1:46 In, uh, in, in a relationship between a man and a woman, what is the biggest problem that you see today that women face that are holding them back from staying in a healthy relationship? And what's the biggest problem that men are faced with in them being happy with their partner if they're in a relationship?

Stephan Speaks 2:05 So I, I always talk about healing.

Lewis Howes 2:07 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 2:07 And I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue, but I wanna take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing from women's standpoint, is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how, how we, uh, behave, how we're overall wired. And the same thing goes for womens, I mean, for men. So essentially, men lacking in understanding of the emotional state or the-

Lewis Howes 2:34 Mm

Stephan Speaks 2:34 ... emotional side of women, and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that. Whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side-

Lewis Howes 2:42 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 2:42 ... and how he goes about things. And that disconnect, because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are, all right? And they're not trying to understand the other person. And so, we, we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things.

Lewis Howes 2:57 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:57 And that creates this huge fight, this huge battle, rather than really learning how the other side operates.

Lewis Howes 3:04 This is gonna be an oversimplified question, uh, or response that you have, um, 'cause each person is unique.

Stephan Speaks 3:10 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 3:10 But I want you to fill in the blank. If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

Stephan Speaks 3:19 The simplicity of a man. They would be happy. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 3:25 [laughs] Like, I think-

Stephan Speaks 3:25 If a woman understood the simplicity of a man-

Lewis Howes 3:28 Yes

Stephan Speaks 3:28 ... they would be happy in their relationship.

Lewis Howes 3:30 Yes. They would be happy.

Stephan Speaks 3:30 They would have less stress, they would have less arguments-

Lewis Howes 3:32 Yes

Stephan Speaks 3:32 ... they would have less pain, suffering.

Lewis Howes 3:35 Yes. Because-

Stephan Speaks 3:35 What does it mean to be the simplicity of a man? So there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthink and overanalyze in their relationships. And so, a simple example I gave in one of my videos is, like, let's say a guy says... She said, asked the man, "What do you want for your, h- your birthday?" And he says, "Listen, just, let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor. I'm good. Have some sex. That's all I need for the night." And the woman thinks, "Let me get him a wallet." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 4:02 [laughs] You know? He's like, "No, I didn't ask for that."

Stephan Speaks 4:04 Exactly. Like, it's so simple. He's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth are, it's what he means. The problem is so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators.

Lewis Howes 4:17 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 4:17 Dealing with men who are playing games, that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest, they don't know how to take that. And also, because women are very, they're into details, all right? So they, they are going to see what you need. They're gonna analyze and say, "Okay, I can get this for him." They're, they're more thoughtful in their approach. They go deeper. Which is why they become so frustrated with us, because we don't. When we don't understand that when they said, "I'm okay," that they really weren't okay, that bothers them. When they told us, "We don't want anything for Valentine's Day," but they really wanted something and we didn't get that, that bothers them. Because it's like, why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them? Because that's how they are with us.

Lewis Howes 5:03 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 5:03 And so, again, it's a disconnect of we operate very differently. But if they would g- just understand we're very simple. And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you, is being very plain and clear. And if you would just honor and accept that, it would make things so much easier.

Lewis Howes 5:19 And if a man knew X about a woman, they would have a happy life.

Stephan Speaks 5:23 I, I'm, uh, what's the right word? Uh... [laughs]

Lewis Howes 5:27 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 5:28 It, it really goes back to understand that her emotions... I, I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this, but i- it- it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is, again, if you're with a woman, let's say you guys are walking down the street and she says, "I don't feel safe right now," all right? To a man, we may analyze the s- the, the area and say, "Well, there's nothing of danger here. What's your problem? You're crazy." No, don't do that. If she says, "I don't feel safe," you have to understand how she feels. That's her emotion right now.

Lewis Howes 6:02 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 6:02 And her emotion is reality to her.

Lewis Howes 6:04 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 6:04 She may not be able to explain it. It may be something within her, within her spirit. But w- as men, we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's, "You're crazy. You're this, you're that." Rather than, no, try to understand she's feeling like this for a reason. And even if we can't always explain it, honor it.

Lewis Howes 6:24 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 6:24 Now, the man's concern is well now she can manipulate you and play you because even when it doesn't make any sense she can say, "I feel this way." But if you're with a good woman, and she's been good to you in every other way, why question that she's-

Lewis Howes 6:37 Mm

Stephan Speaks 6:37 ... playing games now?

Lewis Howes 6:38 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 6:38 Give her the benefit of the doubt. So, I think if we would just learn to embrace what, what her emotions are at the moment we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from you're trying to force your logic onto her, she's trying to tell you how she-

Lewis Howes 6:53 Mm

Stephan Speaks 6:53 ... feels right now.

Lewis Howes 6:54 Right.

Stephan Speaks 6:54 And it's like this. No. Meet her where she's feeling right now. Acknowledge that. Say, "Okay, you know what? I understand it. Let's handle it from that perspective."

Lewis Howes 7:04 Why is it so hard for, for, let's talk about men in this situation, to acknowledge someone's feelings when in the man's mind you're, uh, you might be acting crazy. These feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling.

Stephan Speaks 7:22 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:23 How do they get out of that space and say, "Okay, this is irrational. In my mind maybe this does seem crazy, 'cause I don't feel this personally." How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment? Even if it is irrational.

Stephan Speaks 7:39 So, three things. It's, it's gonna be awareness... Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one?

Lewis Howes 7:45 [laughs] Awareness, yep.

Stephan Speaks 7:47 Awareness. I'm missing the second one. And then communication at times when things are not chaotic.

Lewis Howes 7:53 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 7:53 All right? So, the problem is you, you can't be trying to have this full, deep discussion at this... If you feel like she's being irrational, and if you feel like this is not making any sense, now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment. All right? She's feeling all over the place. Who knows what's triggering her right now. Wait till things are calm.

Lewis Howes 8:13 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 8:13 And now let's revisit what happened the other day.

Lewis Howes 8:15 Don't fix it when it's not, when it's chaotic.

Stephan Speaks 8:17 Exactly. It's almost like, you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it. She wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so, we can talk about, we can revisit it at a different time, but in that time she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

Lewis Howes 8:32 What if the man's just like, "It doesn't make sense."

Stephan Speaks 8:35 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 8:36 "You're making no sense right now."

Stephan Speaks 8:37 It does-

Lewis Howes 8:38 "What you're saying is irrational. Maybe it's illogical. It's crazy. None of it makes sense." How do they wrap their heads around the madness of the emotion that is not real to them?

Stephan Speaks 8:50 It, it really is a, this is... Oh, it, it's about practice. So, that was the second thing.

Lewis Howes 8:54 Awareness, practice.

Stephan Speaks 8:54 Awareness, practice, communication. So, the practicing of it is just simply understanding, listen, it doesn't always have to make sense.

Lewis Howes 9:02 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 9:02 All right? What does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling?

Lewis Howes 9:11 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 9:11 Even if it doesn't line up with your logic right then. You know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a, a moment to now learn more about each other. But right now is not the time.

Lewis Howes 9:21 Right. So, the next... So, tomorrow, three days later, we can say, "Hey, listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid? Nothing was around. Can we talk about that?"

Stephan Speaks 9:29 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 9:30 Gotcha.

Stephan Speaks 9:31 Exactly. And now we can gain better understanding. Because at that moment it may be easier for her to articulate it, but in the moment of her emotions running all over the place, it's gonna be hard for her to get it out clearly. Not because she's trying to be difficult, it's just she's, she's feeling all over the place. It's just hard. It's like if, think about a child, and I'm not trying to reduce women to children, but think about a child being in their frantic moment, something happening to them. They, and you're saying, "Tell me what's wrong." They can't tell you. They're, "But it, uh, uh..." It's hard for them to say it.

Lewis Howes 10:01 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 10:01 But once they're calmed down and at a better place, they can.

Lewis Howes 10:06 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 10:06 So, we just have to be, we gotta be patient as well.

Lewis Howes 10:09 [sighs]

Stephan Speaks 10:09 We gotta be patient with each other and give grace. We're gonna have moments where, yeah, it, it may not make sense, but again, overall if you're with a good woman-

Lewis Howes 10:18 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 10:18 ... why act like she must be, she's being difficult or evil right now? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 10:22 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 10:23 You know?

Lewis Howes 10:23 There's a lot of good w- speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are, are friends of mine who are single.

Stephan Speaks 10:29 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 10:30 And they've been single for years.

Stephan Speaks 10:31 Okay.

Lewis Howes 10:32 I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind, so I'm gonna speak to these women's, uh, archetype. 'Cause I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single for... They haven't been in a, they've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while. Good women. They make their own money, they're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they're, they've got their own vision. But they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit. What do you think is missing from those women? Or is this a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years, and you haven't found someone. Maybe it's still timing. Maybe they, they haven't showed up in your life yet. But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things, and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match, what's missing from them? Or is nothing missing?

Stephan Speaks 11:22 It, it's hard to say because, you know, without knowing them-

Lewis Howes 11:24 Of course

Stephan Speaks 11:24 ... individually, the, the issues can vary, you know? I'll tell you what I've seen as common-

Lewis Howes 11:30 Yes

Stephan Speaks 11:30 ... barriers for women. One of the most common, and, and they may not like hearing this, [laughs] but one of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side.

Lewis Howes 11:41 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 11:42 And, and that, that only really plays a huge role dependent on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a, a guy who can be a leader, at, at least has those qualities, then not being in your feminine is gonna work against you. You're gonna come across more difficult. You're not gonna come ac- come, come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly, or at least top of the, near the top, is peace. Every man needs peace.

Lewis Howes 12:15 Oh, man.

Stephan Speaks 12:15 All right?

Lewis Howes 12:15 I've been saying that my whole life.

Stephan Speaks 12:16 [laughs] You know?

Lewis Howes 12:17 Peace.

Stephan Speaks 12:18 And so, if he does not view you in that way because, again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature, he's not g- you could be the most beautiful, amazing woman. It's like, and he may wanna sleep with you- But he's not gonna wanna take you serious or marry you. So that can be one problem. A- another thing can be timing.

Lewis Howes 12:39 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 12:39 It, you know, it's a lot of times is you, you, we have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow. There is a process to this. But in that timing, what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men.

Lewis Howes 12:51 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 12:51 A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity staying with the wrong guys. Staying, uh, dating even the wrong guy. So it, it doesn't have to be a com- a committed relationship. It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other, but you knew after a couple days that he wasn't it. And yet you're still letting it continue. And what... And even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend, girlfriend, you're emotionally invested.

Lewis Howes 13:18 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 13:19 And your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So you're not gonna be able to meet that great guy, or that great guy may come across you here at your dating this guy and say, "I'm not even gonna bother with that."

Lewis Howes 13:33 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 13:33 And so that hurts you. So b- timing is it, but you have to make just sure you're leaving yourself available.

Lewis Howes 13:39 Here's a question. Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

Stephan Speaks 13:49 Hell, yes. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 13:51 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 13:51 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 13:51 I- I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I have known at different levels, like something's not right. Something's off. Okay, let's work on it. Let's try to make it work. Still things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside, and sometimes you try to force it to make it work, and I'm as, as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things, and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have.

Stephan Speaks 14:22 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 14:23 But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone. I was afraid of hurting myself. I was afraid of whatever.

Stephan Speaks 14:29 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:29 And when I started to learn that like, this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is, is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish.

Stephan Speaks 14:42 Yes.

Lewis Howes 14:43 You wanna have... You know, the dream is to have a rainforest of a, an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you. There's water flow- waterfalls. Not an environment of a desert-

Stephan Speaks 14:55 Yeah

Lewis Howes 14:55 ... where things are gonna die in the relationship.

Stephan Speaks 14:57 Yes.

Lewis Howes 14:58 And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal, and that's something that you taught me years ago, and you're, you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

Stephan Speaks 15:15 They can't. There, there's no way... You can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

Lewis Howes 15:20 Right.

Stephan Speaks 15:20 You know?

Lewis Howes 15:21 Like-

Stephan Speaks 15:21 And I'm fine. I got this. Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past. Like, that was me.

Lewis Howes 15:25 Exactly.

Stephan Speaks 15:26 And, and so the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall.

Lewis Howes 15:31 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 15:31 Until something, you know, knocks them on their behind and now they have to, to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding onto. Um, but also I think the, the, the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now those unhealed people are gonna validate your issues.

Lewis Howes 15:51 Oh, god.

Stephan Speaks 15:52 They're gonna validate your, your unwillingness to face those things.

Lewis Howes 15:55 This is so hard because, whatever, guy friends, girl friends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, "This person did this," and they validate you and say, "Leave them. They're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this." Right?

Stephan Speaks 16:11 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 16:11 They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either if they're coming from that place. Maybe they're correct on certain things-

Stephan Speaks 16:19 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 16:20 ... but it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way probably also.

Stephan Speaks 16:26 Well, but it, I think, yes, because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad, and they don't always tell them the good.

Lewis Howes 16:32 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 16:33 So the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from.

Lewis Howes 16:42 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 16:43 Like I, I may speak to my friends because I need to, uh, uh, to vent at the moment or I want some feedback, but I'm fully aware that they are not the end all, be all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not, they're not healed enough to give me full, proper, great guidance. All right? But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at.

Lewis Howes 17:12 Nice.

Stephan Speaks 17:12 And that's why I will still talk to them, 'cause I wanna hear different perspectives. I wanna make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here. All right? So it's good to talk to different people, but only if you understand how to not just take them as, "Oh, well, my friend said this, so this is it." No, your friend may be broken too.

Lewis Howes 17:28 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 17:28 And they're gonna lead you down a, a even more broken path.

Lewis Howes 17:32 Exactly. So the convers- the, the conversations you have with some people, they're not healed, and they're not helping you fully, uh, 'cause they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily.

Stephan Speaks 17:44 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 17:44 Maybe some of it is right, but not all of it.

Stephan Speaks 17:47 And n- and not to mention, it, it can happen in other ways as far as like I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave. So now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship, it's, "Oh, you know, give him a chance. Oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship."

Lewis Howes 18:05 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 18:05 They'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So how they gonna tell you to do it?

Lewis Howes 18:13 So hard.

Stephan Speaks 18:13 All right? Now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposites of what they're gonna actually con- or, are willing to do. But a lot of people un- consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things-

Lewis Howes 18:27 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 18:27 ... or how they have handled things. All right? So if it's I would leave because someone- ... call me out there, out my name one time, then I have to tell you that you've got to leave for that reason.

Lewis Howes 18:38 Right.

Stephan Speaks 18:39 I can't tell you to be considerate of well, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no, 'cause I drew that line, you need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice. So, that's why you have to be very careful-

Lewis Howes 18:52 Absolutely

Stephan Speaks 18:52 ... going to friends and family.

Lewis Howes 18:54 Healing is, again, a lot of c- clarity comes through healing.

Stephan Speaks 18:59 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 18:59 You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, has stayed in relationships longer, um, than necessary because we haven't healed something yet, and that's why we stayed in them.

Stephan Speaks 19:13 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 19:13 So, would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, "Oh, this isn't for me. Like, I thought it was gonna work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working. I'm willing to walk away." Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

Stephan Speaks 19:36 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 19:37 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 19:37 Basically, the more healed you become or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. Y- you don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer.

Lewis Howes 19:50 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 19:50 Because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy, now you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach.

Lewis Howes 20:01 Ah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 20:01 So your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there, or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like.

Lewis Howes 20:09 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 20:10 All right? So emotionally, once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is, you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues. You know, it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business, or you know what, even when it comes to fitness. A lot of people, once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved, uh, w- getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have differently. Before, they may have been in that pool of people that said, "My circumstances, there's nothing I can do."

Lewis Howes 20:45 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 20:45 "It's too hard." But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like, no, you're just unwilling.

Lewis Howes 20:53 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 20:54 You don't have, you don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so again, when you become healthy, your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues, it's like, "No, 'cause I got past mine."

Lewis Howes 21:08 Right [laughs] . Exactly.

Stephan Speaks 21:09 "I know what it takes. I know you can get there if you're willing," but so many are not willing.

Lewis Howes 21:14 Let's say you're out, you got in a relationship. Uh, you got married. You've been committed for a while. And you, neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, "You know what? This isn't working. I gotta heal the pain from the past." They go on that journey. They get relief. They find peace in their heart. They're not trigger, whatever it is.

Stephan Speaks 21:35 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 21:36 They've started and have continually been on the healing process. But the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past-

Stephan Speaks 21:44 Yeah

Lewis Howes 21:44 ... experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend, like, is that relationship able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, "Well, we still love each other, and we have a lot of, uh, chemistry and connection most of the time." What would you say about that? If the other person's unwilling to heal.

Stephan Speaks 22:02 I hate to say this.

Lewis Howes 22:03 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 22:04 But I have to be honest.

Lewis Howes 22:06 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 22:06 All right? I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation.

Lewis Howes 22:13 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 22:14 All right? I do think that we can take an approach that says, let's see if we can work this out. Let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is can we achieve progress? All right? Rome isn't built in a day, and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years-

Lewis Howes 22:30 Yeah [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 22:30 ... we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path-

Lewis Howes 22:36 Mm

Stephan Speaks 22:36 ... and make progress? Though I don't wanna encourage divorce, I don't, I, I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't wanna face their issues.

Lewis Howes 22:49 Right.

Stephan Speaks 22:49 If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed, they've gotta be willing to make a move. And here's the problem. People, people are afraid to heal, or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, all right? Because you have to... It's like I, I remember a quote, and I'm probably saying it wrong. "To heal you have to face the pain," or, "you have to dive into the pain." Something like that, all right? So people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person, all right? And they think because you're married to them, you're not going anywhere.

Lewis Howes 23:31 You're stuck for life.

Stephan Speaks 23:32 Exactly. So for that reason, they're, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues.

Lewis Howes 23:39 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 23:40 The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.

Lewis Howes 23:43 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 23:44 I- or is the actual divorce happening. Again, I, it's not that I want it to get to that point. I hope and pray everyone can avoid that. But the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table, and that will be divorce-

Lewis Howes 23:59 [whistles]

Stephan Speaks 24:00 ... in that situation.

Lewis Howes 24:01 So, okay. Let's say someone's like, "You know what? I feel like I'm good. It's never been about me. It's been about everyone else. It's their problems that, why the relationship doesn't work out."

Stephan Speaks 24:11 Hold on. I gotta stop you real quick.

Lewis Howes 24:12 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 24:12 'Cause this is like hitting my spirit. I gotta say it.

Lewis Howes 24:14 Give it to me.

Stephan Speaks 24:15 The other thing to consider is that some people will never change. They will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person, and the only reason you got with them is because you were broken.

Lewis Howes 24:27 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 24:28 Had you not been damaged in the first place-

Lewis Howes 24:31 Zing

Stephan Speaks 24:31 ... you may not be with this individual.

Lewis Howes 24:33 'Cause you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Stephan Speaks 24:37 Exactly. And if you were healed-

Lewis Howes 24:39 Ah

Stephan Speaks 24:39 ... you would've been your true self. Your true self-

Lewis Howes 24:42 Ah

Stephan Speaks 24:42 ... may not have aligned with this individual.

Lewis Howes 24:44 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 24:46 I'm not saying that there aren't s- um, circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people-

Lewis Howes 24:56 Wow

Stephan Speaks 24:56 ... I would argue the majority, when you... 'Cause I always say, if you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person.

Lewis Howes 25:03 Ooh, man.

Stephan Speaks 25:04 So I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual, and that's marriage, relationship, whatever. Because that brokenness, that damage-

Lewis Howes 25:15 Attracted something else that was broken

Stephan Speaks 25:16 ... exactly, and allowed you to tolerate it. Or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment.

Lewis Howes 25:22 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 25:23 Here's the thing that people don't realize. When, when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person, it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So to get with another broken person, subconsciously, a, it validates me staying broken. It validates me-

Lewis Howes 25:44 Mm

Stephan Speaks 25:44 ... not having to face my issues. Because now we all have issues.

Lewis Howes 25:48 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 25:48 You see? As long as we all have issues, I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours, how can I validate my own?

Lewis Howes 25:56 Wow.

Lewis Howes 25:58 What's your issues?

Stephan Speaks 25:59 My issues? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 26:01 [laughs] The co- the coach always has an issue somewhere.

Stephan Speaks 26:04 [laughs] Um-

Lewis Howes 26:06 What's your biggest fear or insecurities around being in a relationship or finding the right person or dating or...?

Stephan Speaks 26:14 So okay, I, I'll say fear. And I just, I'm being very transparent.

Lewis Howes 26:18 Give it to me.

Stephan Speaks 26:18 I've never said this anywhere else.

Lewis Howes 26:19 I know you haven't.

Stephan Speaks 26:20 All right.

Lewis Howes 26:20 I know you haven't. Your biggest fear.

Stephan Speaks 26:23 My biggest fear has been can I remain focused and, and fulfilled in the relationship long term past a certain time?

Lewis Howes 26:34 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 26:35 Meaning, okay, I, I have no doubts five years in, 10 years in, I'm still good. But when it hits year 15, this is different. Ca- a- and, and again, it's, and I don't, I... It's because of one, I think a lot of people, the issue that we have, specifically even with monogamy, not saying that I'm gonna be going out there cheating. But I always say the issue with monogamy is that people struggle to maintain monogamy.

Lewis Howes 27:01 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 27:01 And we struggle to maintain monogamy 'cause we don't maintain who we fell in love with. All right?

Lewis Howes 27:06 What do you mean by that?

Stephan Speaks 27:07 Meaning that person that I brought you and that you brought to me that made us feel like this is it-

Lewis Howes 27:12 It's different

Stephan Speaks 27:13 ... it's different now. The thing is, though, it can be maintained if it's the true you. Problem is a lot of people aren't being their true self from the jump.

Lewis Howes 27:20 That's right.

Stephan Speaks 27:20 So that creates a difference right there. Also, is there a willingness to grow together?

Lewis Howes 27:25 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 27:25 And that create, that needs communication. That means connection has to be there. A lot of people have not gotten with that person they have a connection with. So this is where, for me, there's fear but there's peace in knowing that I do believe if I'm willing to do my part to maintain who, who she falls in love with. All right? Whoever that woman is, when that day happens, I'm willing to do that. And that goes spiritually, mentally, physically. I have no problem sticking to the recipe that worked. And I, and I'm confident in one, and because I say, you know what? I believe in connection, and I believe that that's the missing ingredient. When I look at these relationships that have failed and haven't made it past that 10-year, 15-year mark, I do think that the reason is connection was not there-

Lewis Howes 28:10 So, so-

Stephan Speaks 28:10 ... in most cases

Lewis Howes 28:11 ... so chemistry was there. Com-

Stephan Speaks 28:14 Chemistry may have been there at, at one point

Lewis Howes 28:15 ... at first.

Stephan Speaks 28:16 Yes.

Lewis Howes 28:16 Compatibility?

Stephan Speaks 28:17 Compatibility, based on what they were presenting, at one point may have been there. But again, was it true compatibility?

Lewis Howes 28:24 Right. Was it real?

Stephan Speaks 28:24 They weren't being their true self and if they had not found their true self yet. Um, but connection was not there, and I think a lot of people get with each other based off the hype, and that's the reason why I'm such a stickler on, okay, I have to make sure I wait for connection because I wanna make it past those 15 years. I wanna make it for the long haul. I, I wanna be a representation of what I speak about. I, I want people to look at my relationship and say... I, I don't want it to be that fake relationship that people think is good-

Lewis Howes 28:52 Right

Stephan Speaks 28:52 ... but it's actually horrible behind closed... No, I want us to be amazing to everyone and inspire them. So I have to wait for connection, and me being a man of God, I have to wait for that spiritual guidance that says, "This is the one," that I can pray about this and God tells me-

Lewis Howes 29:06 Mm

Stephan Speaks 29:06 ... "She's it." Because, you know, there's a lot of beautiful, amazing women out there, but everyone's not for us.

Lewis Howes 29:12 Right.

Stephan Speaks 29:13 And so I think it's important to understand who aligns with you, especially as a man when you're walking in your purpose. And that's why it's so important for men to find their purpose, because if you don't know where you're headed in life, you don't know who belongs on that path with you. So you've gotta make sure that you know yourself, you know the direction you're walking in, and now you can see what woman can align with you, and you guys can walk together as a unit and make it something amazing.

Lewis Howes 29:37 Mm. What's your definition of chemistry, connection, and compatibility?

Stephan Speaks 29:43 All right. So [laughs] chemistry to me is, is the art of getting along, flowing with each other. All right? Chemistry can be created, it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective. You can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So through repetition, through practice, they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry. All right? But just as it was instant, it can also be broken. Um-

Lewis Howes 30:14 Instantly.

Stephan Speaks 30:14 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 30:15 Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 30:15 [laughs] You know? We can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily. Uh, things can get in the way. And again, this happens even in team sports-

Lewis Howes 30:23 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 30:23 ... or even in the corporate arena where you have team-building exercises, but then things happen that destroy the structure-

Lewis Howes 30:29 Mm

Stephan Speaks 30:29 ... of the business.

Lewis Howes 30:30 Absolutely. So chem- that's chemistry.

Stephan Speaks 30:31 That's chemistry.

Lewis Howes 30:32 How important is chemistry?

Stephan Speaks 30:34 It is still very important. It is not the most important, and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish, but it does not set the stage for everything else. All right? Connection sets the stage for everything else. So basically, if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now let's talk about compatibility I believe compatibility is a very logic-based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values. All right? So again, you can meet someone that you are, quote-unquote, compatible with. You guys share similar values. You guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures. There could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

Lewis Howes 31:23 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 31:24 But that-

Lewis Howes 31:24 What is, what is real compatibility?

Stephan Speaks 31:26 Well, to me, that is real compatibility-

Lewis Howes 31:28 Okay

Stephan Speaks 31:28 ... so to speak. Is, is that, yes, you guys on paper are a good fit. All right? And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So I would argue that a lot of marriages, let's even talk about arranged marriages. Some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so we, we like this. They have a good job. They have a good education. They would be a good fit here. They share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other, it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on a online dating site, it can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Lewis Howes 32:07 Interesting.

Stephan Speaks 32:08 But in person it doesn't always play out the same.

Lewis Howes 32:11 'Cause what is missing?

Stephan Speaks 32:12 The, uh, the chemistry or more importantly, the connection.

Lewis Howes 32:15 And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel a spark of chemistry but you may not have connection. Is that true?

Stephan Speaks 32:22 It... Absolutely. Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 32:24 So you might say, "Oh, we're compatible on paper. Everything. We have the same values. We want the same things for our life and marriage-

Stephan Speaks 32:30 Mm

Lewis Howes 32:30 ... and kids, and where our family's gonna be. We have compatibility. We have chemistry. There's some type of spark here."

Stephan Speaks 32:36 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 32:37 I feel like, ooh, there's a little something down here.

Stephan Speaks 32:39 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 32:39 At least we feel like special.

Stephan Speaks 32:40 And we get along-

Lewis Howes 32:41 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 32:41 ... and we know the flow of each other.

Lewis Howes 32:42 Wow, this is amazing. But you're saying if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection, can connection be created?

Stephan Speaks 32:49 No. And so that's the, that's the-

Lewis Howes 32:51 Uh-huh

Stephan Speaks 32:51 ... huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed. It's either there or it's not.

Lewis Howes 32:57 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 32:57 There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond. You can, uh, create a stronger attachment to each other. But that still doesn't mean connection is there. And, and you see this play out in situations where you have people who could ha- meet each other right now, have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart. They come back together years later, 10, 20 years later, and it's like they never stopped talking. It just falls right back into place. It's connection. It's a deeper thing that's occurring there.

Lewis Howes 33:27 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 33:27 To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface. All right? Which is why many people who have felt connection, you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always, "Oh well, it makes sense because of this." No, no, no. It's just there. You just feel something with this person. You feel drawn to them. It's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt. And, and consider this. You can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people. You do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period. If we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life, you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.

Lewis Howes 34:11 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 34:11 The majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them. All right? And, and, and being able to have that again, it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if they did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time, but I will say that if you surveyed people, you would have-

Lewis Howes 34:30 Wow

Stephan Speaks 34:31 ... a hard time finding that many people that say it, said it happened twice.

Lewis Howes 34:35 When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked. We have this incredible connection. We understand each other. We get each other. I can't explain it, but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right?

Stephan Speaks 34:52 Yes.

Lewis Howes 34:52 It might be masking-

Stephan Speaks 34:54 Yes

Lewis Howes 34:54 ... if it's really connection or chemistry. So how do you know if it's true connection over, man, this is desire, connection, attraction. All these things happening at once.

Stephan Speaks 35:03 One, can you truly be yourself with this person?

Lewis Howes 35:06 Ooh, that's big.

Stephan Speaks 35:07 All right? Because again, a lot of people, they go on these dates. They're bringing their representative, and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self-

Lewis Howes 35:21 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 35:21 ... now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility, but you're not discovering true connection being there. So you've gotta be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core.

Lewis Howes 35:39 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 35:39 All right? You can show me all the parts of you. I still want you. All right? Number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions? All right? Again, what people fail to understand, and this can happen with chemistry, is that we're, we're bonding based off of the activity or the-

Lewis Howes 36:02 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 36:02 ... the, the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we, we love going out together and we do all this fun stuff and we're doing all these things. And that's great. All right? We know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us, and still love being with each other?

Lewis Howes 36:20 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 36:21 A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner, and I use that word strongly, tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in their life.

Lewis Howes 36:33 [whistles]

Stephan Speaks 36:33 They have kids. They have work. They, they have all these other things going on.

Lewis Howes 36:37 TV, video games, man caves, whatever, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 36:39 Exactly. All these things that pull them away from their partner, that does not allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core.

Lewis Howes 36:47 Man.

Stephan Speaks 36:48 And, and so that is a huge sign of connection. That's why, like, one of the things I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And, and it's just a random suggestion, but go on a road trip for at least six hours. No phone, no distraction, just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far on a car ride with their partner. All right? A lot of people cannot be in a room with, alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So you've gotta, you've gotta really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here-

Lewis Howes 37:20 [exhales]

Stephan Speaks 37:20 ... if this is really gonna be called a connection.

Lewis Howes 37:22 Right. And your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things is, is, again-

Stephan Speaks 37:31 So it, it's, it's... You know, it's hard to... You know, you never, you never can look that far ahead, you know? And we don't know what's in store.

Lewis Howes 37:38 You may not be here tomorrow.

Stephan Speaks 37:39 Exactly. It's, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy. And it's both sides. Because again, I, I, I'm not saying... I'm not perfect.

Lewis Howes 37:49 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 37:49 So even though I'm confident that I could do it, what if there's something that throws me off, you know? It's just that, yes, it, as time goes on, there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that, that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard than I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is, "Well, things change. Things are gonna be different. It's okay. So what, you don't go out as much anymore?" You, people think like this.

Lewis Howes 38:20 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 38:20 But they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating.

Lewis Howes 38:22 Right.

Stephan Speaks 38:23 I don't want a deteriorating relationship. So, when I think about, yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years if I accept a level of mediocrity? Of course.

Lewis Howes 38:32 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 38:32 But- [laughs]

Lewis Howes 38:33 You don't want that.

Stephan Speaks 38:34 Exactly. I'm saying can we maintain excellence-

Lewis Howes 38:37 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 38:38 ... after these 10, 15 years.

Lewis Howes 38:39 Fulfillment.

Stephan Speaks 38:40 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 38:41 Fun, play.

Stephan Speaks 38:41 Peace, happiness, joy.

Lewis Howes 38:42 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 38:42 All these things. Because to me, what is the point of being here if we don't have it, l- if we're not operating at our highest level?

Lewis Howes 38:49 That's true.

Lewis Howes 38:49 What about, what about the saying that I hear, whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online. Maybe you know the line better than me.

Stephan Speaks 39:00 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 39:01 Uh, "If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best."

Stephan Speaks 39:07 I hate that line. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 39:09 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 39:10 I absolutely hate it.

Lewis Howes 39:12 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 39:12 And I hate it because it, it, it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues.

Lewis Howes 39:19 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 39:20 All right? I agree with it from the standpoint of you've gotta be able to handle your partner's worst moments. All right? 'Cause we're gonna all have moments. We're gonna all fall. We're all gonna do, make a mistake. It's gonna happen. Over time, it, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say, "I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it, even when I wanna consistently make you deal with it," no, that's not gonna work for me.

Lewis Howes 39:47 Yeah, that's not-

Stephan Speaks 39:47 That's... I can't accept that.

Lewis Howes 39:48 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 39:48 That's not, that's not okay. And so a lot of people, that's what they're turning it into.

Lewis Howes 39:53 That's you not taking accountability and responsibility-

Stephan Speaks 39:55 Exactly

Lewis Howes 39:55 ... for growth.

Stephan Speaks 39:56 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 39:56 It's going back to, uh, "Okay, this is where I'm at. I don't wanna address it. You just have to accept it and, or don't be with me."

Stephan Speaks 40:03 Exactly. You know, it reminds me of, like, once upon... I don't know if they still say it, but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship. All right? I despise that.

Lewis Howes 40:13 I don't know if I, I don't know if I agree. I, I understand that... Yeah, I just don't like that.

Stephan Speaks 40:19 No, at all.

Lewis Howes 40:20 Can you, can you communicate with, with... We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Stephan Speaks 40:24 Exactly. That's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not.

Lewis Howes 40:30 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 40:31 All right? So-

Lewis Howes 40:32 Say it one more time

Stephan Speaks 40:33 ... disagreement is acceptable. Disrespect is not.

Lewis Howes 40:36 That's good.

Stephan Speaks 40:36 All right? So my thing is, yes, it's okay and, and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives. We can bounce ideas off each other. We simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using. You know, we're getting loud. We're getting angry. We're, are- we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy. There's nothing healthy about that. But a lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship.

Lewis Howes 41:15 Mm. Man.

Stephan Speaks 41:15 They don't wanna face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't wanna have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does.

Lewis Howes 41:25 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 41:26 All right? Grow up. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 41:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 41:27 You know? Like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this, but that's just real. We, we can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want, to, to, to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me-

Lewis Howes 42:04 Right

Stephan Speaks 42:05 ... or made me feel some kind of way. And ever since then, I've resented you. And now in this resentment, I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about 'cause I didn't communicate clearly.

Lewis Howes 42:15 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 42:15 Now you're giving me attitude, and now do you see how it turns into other things? Now that attitude turns into not s- having sex with each other. That attitude turns into, okay, uh, the way that we talk to each other in, in general. M- maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. And what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing.

Lewis Howes 42:34 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 42:35 All right? It can also start from some other stuff, all right? But the arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people, and we can't just keep sweeping it under the rug. So going back to your point about the whole, uh, take me as my, uh, at my worst. Yes, worst moment. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 42:51 N-

Stephan Speaks 42:51 You can have a moment-

Lewis Howes 42:52 Not, not always like this.

Stephan Speaks 42:53 Yeah. Consistent-

Lewis Howes 42:54 And once in a while a good attitude.

Stephan Speaks 42:55 Exactly. Consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

Lewis Howes 43:00 So arguments are disrespect But disagreements is okay. Is that what you're saying?

Stephan Speaks 43:06 Yes. Disagreement is acceptable-

Lewis Howes 43:08 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 43:08 ... disrespect is not.

Lewis Howes 43:09 Yes. So, you can always disagree and you can agree to not agree.

Stephan Speaks 43:12 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 43:13 Or you can... Is that right? Agree to disagree.

Stephan Speaks 43:15 Yeah, agree to disagree. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 43:16 But you... But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, uh, saying what's on your mind in an angry-

Stephan Speaks 43:23 Exactly

Lewis Howes 43:24 ... aggressive way, uh, tearing down a partner is never gonna do anything good for someone.

Stephan Speaks 43:30 Exactly. People have to understand. Whenever someone feels attacked, they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid, the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker, m- my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message?

Lewis Howes 43:52 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 43:53 All right. If I want to be heard, I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down. I can just, you... make jokes of everybody's situation because it's just entertainment. I just wanna be heard. But no, I want people to receive it. And if I want people to receive it, I have to be more considerate, more compassionate. I have to check my tone. I have to be careful with my words. And that's why people watch my videos, they'll see I try to be very careful with my words 'cause I want you to receive what I'm saying.

Lewis Howes 44:19 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 44:19 So, if we're in a relationship, we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you, be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Lewis Howes 44:27 Why is this so hard for people?

Stephan Speaks 44:29 Because again, they don't, they don't want to face the, the, the... Or they don't wanna do the work of correction. All right? And the work of correction can entail the healing, and again, facing those issues. Um, it's also conditioning. If people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other, it's, it's very-

Lewis Howes 44:48 It's hard to change that, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 44:49 Yeah. It, it's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way.

Lewis Howes 44:53 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 44:53 It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen. All right? So, now they have to reprogram themselves, and that's a lot of work. Um, and, and I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong.

Lewis Howes 45:06 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 45:07 People don't like to face that they were wrong. It, it... They don't wanna have to accept that. So, it's no, I have to dig a even deeper hole a- and, and, and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there, there, there's nothing wrong with this. Or I see other people do it, what... You know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay. You know? So, I think those reasons, they just overall, they don't wanna have to do the work. And so, they rather make excuses for it.

Lewis Howes 45:33 So, it sounds like, again, we go back to step one, healing.

Stephan Speaks 45:37 Always.

Lewis Howes 45:37 If you can learn to heal, you can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be an, a better, a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a, in a long-term committed relationship. You can have a, a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal, and with someone else.

Lewis Howes 45:59 So, can you give me a, a breakdown, a boot camp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal, and then how to start healing that?

Stephan Speaks 46:08 Okay.

Lewis Howes 46:08 What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Stephan.

Stephan Speaks 46:12 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 46:12 What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed?

Stephan Speaks 46:17 Okay.

Lewis Howes 46:18 Is this a lifelong journey? Is this overnight? What does it look like?

Stephan Speaks 46:21 All right. So, first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's gonna take as long as you're willing to put in the work.

Lewis Howes 46:27 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 46:28 Healing is not a time thing. It's a work thing.

Lewis Howes 46:30 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 46:31 So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing. All right? It can help. It, it does aid in the process. But by itself, it is no good. You have to take certain steps. Um, so when people think, "Well, I'm gonna take a year off from relationships to heal," why a year? A- a- and if you're not doing the work in that year, that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people. They took a year off, but what they did was they hid from the world. They hid from relationships. They went in their corner, all right, and distracted themselves, but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year, and they're still the same person.

Lewis Howes 47:06 Mm. Or maybe they're not the sa- maybe the first few months of dating, they're a little different, but then they fall back into that pattern.

Stephan Speaks 47:12 Exactly, because they never resolved things-

Lewis Howes 47:15 Right

Stephan Speaks 47:15 ... at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal, uh, my first step is, is called the who hurt me list. All right? So, you get a piece of paper, you write down on the piece of paper, who hurt me? And now, every person who comes to mind, you write them down on the piece of paper. Uh, it doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant. If they come to mind, then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper and about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you. All right? This is how we're gonna start to locate what you've been holding onto. But you really gotta go into this exercise very genuine. You can't be trying to control the narrative. You just gotta let yourself feel. Just y- ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

Lewis Howes 48:00 What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me?

Stephan Speaks 48:02 Who hurt me? That's it.

Lewis Howes 48:02 Who hurt me?

Stephan Speaks 48:03 Over and over. That's it.

Lewis Howes 48:04 And what if they're like, "Eh, I can only think of, like, three people that really hurt me," should they be thinking of, like, every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment? Or should this be, this person punched me in the face?

Stephan Speaks 48:16 Anybody who comes to mind.

Lewis Howes 48:17 Any-

Stephan Speaks 48:18 So, I don't want them to force it, but I don't want them to under, undermine it in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind, put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one... You're not gonna be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are gonna come out.

Lewis Howes 48:34 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 48:34 They're gonna come to mind.

Lewis Howes 48:35 Right.

Stephan Speaks 48:35 If we can tackle those, then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally.

Lewis Howes 48:40 Sure, sure, sure.

Stephan Speaks 48:40 All right? 'Cause now your awareness is gonna be there, and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently.

Lewis Howes 48:45 'Cause really the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain. And if you heal that, the other ones are just a pattern of the pain.

Stephan Speaks 48:52 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 48:53 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 48:53 And you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you heal from the bigger ones.

Lewis Howes 48:57 Okay. So, that's step one. Take, take a piece of paper, write it out. How long should this take? A few minutes? A few hours? Depending...

Stephan Speaks 49:04 Depending on the person because, you know, for some people it's gonna get heavy.

Lewis Howes 49:08 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 49:08 It's gonna get heavy and that might cause them to wanna pause and take a step back. But I would encourage them, do not like walk away from it completely. Stick to it. But it can be as quick as a few minutes. Maybe it takes an hour because may- they may get emotional in the process.

Lewis Howes 49:23 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 49:24 But just don't run from it. Um, but just, just do it. Don't even worry about the time. Just do it.

Lewis Howes 49:29 Okay. Step one. Step two?

Stephan Speaks 49:32 Step two. So step two, I'm, I'ma lay this out. I usually don't lay it out, but you know what? I feel like I gotta do it today.

Lewis Howes 49:37 Bring it.

Stephan Speaks 49:38 I gotta do it today. So [laughs] step two is we gotta get things off our chest. All right?

Lewis Howes 49:42 Okay.

Stephan Speaks 49:42 And this is where we do the letter-writing process. So there, the, there's two parts to the letter, or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're gonna have essentially an emotional detox. We gotta get everything out. So let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because-

Lewis Howes 49:59 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 50:00 ... so many people have mommy issues, but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues.

Lewis Howes 50:03 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 50:03 All right? And the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers.

Lewis Howes 50:15 That's interesting.

Stephan Speaks 50:16 You know? So let's say it's your mother and, um, you're gonna do the first draft. And in that first draft you're just gonna let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish death on her, I don't care what nasty, evil thing you say. However you feel, let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt, all pour out of you into this letter. If you don't know how to start the letter, start it with the most damning thing you can say. All right? I hate you because... Boom. And then just go from there. It's gonna start coming out. Once you uncork that screw-

Lewis Howes 50:51 Ah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 50:51 That's it. Exactly. And this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process. All right? 'Cause again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long.

Lewis Howes 51:01 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 51:01 And again, it's like any other detox. When you start to detox, the bad stuff has to come out first.

Lewis Howes 51:06 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 51:06 All right? And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. So this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct, to, to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate. I don't want you to think about, "Well, I did some wrong things too." Forget all that. This first draft is let it rip. Let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft, you're gonna feel better.

Lewis Howes 51:32 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 51:32 You're gonna feel a weight come off your shoulders, you're gonna feel more peace to you.

Lewis Howes 51:37 Great. And that's the draft one. Draft two?

Stephan Speaks 51:39 Draft two.

Lewis Howes 51:39 Draft two. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 51:41 [laughs] So draft two is essentially now I always tell people, "All right. You finished draft one. Pray, meditate, whatever you gotta do just get to a kind of level place mentally."

Lewis Howes 51:51 Calm. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 51:52 All right. Calm. And now read the letter to yourself as if you were them.

Lewis Howes 51:57 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 51:57 Okay?

Lewis Howes 51:57 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 51:58 And now... So put yourself in their shoes, and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message, you're just changing your delivery of the message. All right? And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier, people don't know how to communicate without being negative. Their tone, their delivery is horrible. So this letter's gonna help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving, positive message.

Lewis Howes 52:33 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 52:33 Now, loving, positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel.

Lewis Howes 52:46 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 52:46 Saying, "This is how you impacted my life. This is how I perceive things," rather than, "You're this, you're that, you're this." That's the first draft. But the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message so by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm, loving manner. This is going to allow... One, it's gonna teach you how to be better in your communication.

Lewis Howes 53:08 Interesting.

Stephan Speaks 53:09 But also, and this is the part people aren't gonna like, and, and I won't go too deep into this part. For those who may have to send it, and I would just suggest getting the book to see if they gotta [laughs] send or not, all right? 'Cause it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it, it's gonna give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter.

Lewis Howes 53:27 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 53:28 Not that that's the focus of the letter. The focus of the letter is for your healing. So I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if they s- if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it, because the purpose is your release-

Lewis Howes 53:39 Oh

Stephan Speaks 53:40 ... of all those emotions. All right? And you've gotta embrace forgiveness, and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. Forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus. But I have seen amazing things happen because of these letters.

Lewis Howes 53:54 Really?

Stephan Speaks 53:54 Yes.

Lewis Howes 53:54 From people receiving them?

Stephan Speaks 53:55 Yes. I've seen, um, letter-

Lewis Howes 53:57 So these are not, these are not letters that you send out that say, "You're horrible. You ruined my life." That's not draft one. You're sending out draft two which is more of a place of this is how this scenario impacted me.

Stephan Speaks 54:08 Yeah. This is how it made me feel.

Lewis Howes 54:09 You're taking more, more of a responsibility as well, how it made me feel, is that what I'm hearing you say?

Stephan Speaks 54:13 Absolutely. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 54:14 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 54:14 Because it, it, it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying, "But this is how I received it."

Lewis Howes 54:19 Right. Whether you're right or wrong.

Stephan Speaks 54:20 Exactly. Because also understand this: hurt people hurt people. And, and some people might d- reject that because they say, "Well, I'm hurt and I never hurt nobody." That's a lie. Whether you realize it or not, you have hurt people.

Lewis Howes 54:33 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 54:33 One example I'll give that comes to mind, let's say you're a woman or a man and you were hurt in your last relationship and now you've become guarded. Now to you, you're still operating as a loving human being, but what you don't realize is your guardedness is still hurting either the potential partner or someone that you do get with.

Lewis Howes 54:51 Mm. True.

Stephan Speaks 54:51 Because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart.

Lewis Howes 54:54 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 54:54 All right? So you still have hurt them.

Lewis Howes 54:56 You're not, you're not attacking them. Maybe you're not punching them-

Stephan Speaks 54:58 Ex-

Lewis Howes 54:58 ... or cheating on them-

Stephan Speaks 55:00 Ex-

Lewis Howes 55:00 ... but you're holding back.

Stephan Speaks 55:02 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 55:03 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 55:03 And you're still undermining the relationship So you're still hurting them and, and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it.

Lewis Howes 55:12 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 55:13 Because you won't fully dive in 'cause you're scared and you're guarded, and that has to be fixed. But going back to the p- the original point I wanted to make is, in that same mold, the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you. We have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset. It's, "I'm protecting myself." Think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else. They're always criticizing, criticizing, criticizing.

Lewis Howes 55:42 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 55:42 They're not doing it 'cause their intention is to hurt others. They're doing it because they wanna keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves-

Lewis Howes 55:50 Nice

Stephan Speaks 55:50 ... from criticism. So I'm gonna hit you before you hit me.

Lewis Howes 55:53 Dang.

Stephan Speaks 55:54 All right? So again, a lot of our parents, the things that they did, they did not understand. And even if they had some semblance of an idea, they're so caught up in their own feelings, they're blinded by it. So a lot of times this letter basically takes the blinders off when you do it in that loving manner. Because like I said earlier, do you want to be heard or do you want them to receive the message?

Lewis Howes 56:17 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 56:17 The yelling, the screaming, the lashing out, they heard that. Because you may have done that with them in the past.

Lewis Howes 56:22 Right.

Stephan Speaks 56:22 But they never received you in that moment. Now expressing yourself in a calm, loving manner, they can't help but receive you. And even those who reject what you're saying, trust me, it has hit them in a way nothing else has.

Lewis Howes 56:35 Right.

Stephan Speaks 56:36 And I've seen situations where the offender has broken down in tears after realizing how bad they were being.

Lewis Howes 56:44 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 56:44 But they never connected with that previously because their emotions, their feelings blinded them from that. It's a lot, man. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 56:53 First two steps sound like pretty deep work.

Stephan Speaks 56:56 It is. It is absolutely deep work, but it's necessary work. I mean, listen, no one says healing is easy, but it's necessary and it's absolutely worth it. And, and it, it's a game changer.

Lewis Howes 57:06 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 57:07 Like, I just don't think people understand how much better your life will be. And you know what? Let's take a moment to say this isn't even about your emotional relationship life. It's about your overall quality of life.

Lewis Howes 57:17 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 57:18 A lot of people's illnesses are from a lack of emotional health. All right?

Lewis Howes 57:23 Yeah, that's true.

Stephan Speaks 57:24 And what we have to understand is a suppression of feelings, a lack of healing creates emotional stress. Stress is now the number... It's not now, it's always been the number one inducer of disease. It is the number one trigger that sets everything else wrong in your body. All right? If you cure stress, you cure the body. A lot of things, it-

Lewis Howes 57:45 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 57:45 ... it changes after that. So your overall health, your overall quality of life is dependent on you healing and releasing that negative energy. So it's, it's so much bigger than just a relationship.

Lewis Howes 57:58 Overall quality of life.

Stephan Speaks 58:00 Yes.

Lewis Howes 58:00 Not just in that one relationship, but every relationship in your life.

Stephan Speaks 58:03 Every relationship. Every aspect of life.

Lewis Howes 58:05 So do you write a letter for the 30 people that were on that-

Stephan Speaks 58:08 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 58:09 ... who hurt you list, or is it more, okay, pick like the three or two or three big people in your life that you really were affected by. Start with those letters and then keep going.

Stephan Speaks 58:19 Start with those letters. And what I have seen in, in, in all my years of doing this is that-

Lewis Howes 58:24 And you're not s- and sometimes you don't send it to the person also, right?

Stephan Speaks 58:27 The, it's, there's gonna be some circumstances where you wouldn't send it. Majority of the times I would encourage sending it.

Lewis Howes 58:33 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 58:34 All right? Now, a- again, I tell people to, if you're a believer, pray about it as well. Um, because to me, God gives you the ultimate answer in that. But I do believe that the vast majority of situations the letter needs to be sent. All right?

Lewis Howes 58:46 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 58:46 But again, there are some caveats there. There are some differences. Uh, b- and you had asked what again?

Lewis Howes 58:52 Um, do you send a letter to everyone on the hurt list?

Stephan Speaks 58:56 Oh. So yes. Um, what I have seen for most people is that once you knock off the big ones-

Lewis Howes 59:02 First three, four, five people

Stephan Speaks 59:03 ... yeah.

Lewis Howes 59:03 You don't need to write a letter to the rest.

Stephan Speaks 59:04 You don't have to write letters to everybody else. Because again, every, you see things differently now. So now think about it like this. Your hurt or how you took offense to something, you now see it differently after you resolve those other ones. Now you realize it wasn't even about you in those situations.

Lewis Howes 59:20 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 59:20 Again, hurt people hurt people. They're just projecting negativity onto you. It wasn't even about you. They just took it out on you. And now when you now start to not internalize people's actions, it frees you in a way that you were never-

Lewis Howes 59:35 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 59:35 ... freed before.

Lewis Howes 59:36 No.

Stephan Speaks 59:36 You know? And that's why it's so important that we have to learn not to take things personally, because we don't know where that person's actions and negativity is really coming from. A lot of times, most of the times, it's not even about us. It goes way deeper than that. And if we learn not to take it personally and not to internalize it, we can navigate the situation so much better.

Lewis Howes 59:55 Right.

Stephan Speaks 59:55 Because what's happening is you allow them to trigger you, now you get into a negative space, now you fight fire with fire, and the fire gets worse.

Lewis Howes 1:00:04 That's been me most of my life. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:00:09 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:00:10 Most of my previous relationships, that's how I showed up, which was I'm gonna defend myself.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:16 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:00:17 You're attacking me for something. Whether it's true or not, I'm gonna defend myself and I'm gonna fight back. What happens when we do that with our partner?

Stephan Speaks 1:00:26 We just make it a battle.

Lewis Howes 1:00:28 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:28 We set the stage for more battling. And here's the hor- the worst part about it. We not just battle in that moment. That battle usually turns into saying something we regret.

Lewis Howes 1:00:37 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:38 Doing something that we, you know, we didn't realize we did. Now they hold onto that. So now they take that one small thing from that battle-

Lewis Howes 1:00:46 Hold it for years

Stephan Speaks 1:00:47 ... exactly, that creates more battles. So you don't win. You don't win trying to fight fire with fire.

Lewis Howes 1:00:55 So what should you do? If someone's fi- fighting you with fire, how should you respond?

Stephan Speaks 1:00:59 You throw water on them. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:01:01 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:01:02 Okay?

Lewis Howes 1:01:02 A bucket of water.

Stephan Speaks 1:01:03 And, and that water is love, patience-

Lewis Howes 1:01:06 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:01:06 ... grace. And if they don't honor that, you let them go Unfortunately, listen, if, if, if we're in a relationship, whether that be family or romantic, and we're dictating to them that, "Listen, the way we do things here is we have calm conversation, we be respectful to- towards each other, we, you know, w- we, we don't take this to a negative place," and they cannot honor that, then you stop engaging with that person.

Lewis Howes 1:01:31 What if someone says, "You know what? Don't try to tell me how to act and how to feel. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to react at times. It's natural to let your, uh, you know, let yourself feel these things. These are human emotions, and it's okay to argue every now and then. Don't try to tell me what to do."

Stephan Speaks 1:01:49 Again, a moment. So if I'm in a relationship and we- we've set the standard of healthy communication, and my partner has a moment where she starts to yell and go crazy or whatever, right? And I, and I recognize this is a moment. I might let that slide. And, and when I say let it slide, I don't mean not acknowledge the issue. I simply mean, okay, let her get, let her get it out. Let her vent, all right? Now, once it's done, remind her that, "Listen, we're not doing that. Like, that ha- that was a moment. We don't make that a consistent pattern, all right? So we keep that there. I, I let you have that moment, but we don't get to keep doing that because that's unhealthy. And if you feel like, well, everyone should be able to just let..." No, that's not how we do things here. Listen, everyone has to set the standard of what is acceptable in their relationship or acceptable in engaging with anyone. And again, this isn't just romantic relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:02:41 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:41 My family knows I don't argue. I don't argue with nobody, [laughs] okay?

Lewis Howes 1:02:45 You can disagree.

Stephan Speaks 1:02:46 I can disagree, but we're not arguing. It-

Lewis Howes 1:02:48 What's the difference between disagreeing and arguing?

Stephan Speaks 1:02:50 Again, disagreeing is simply respectfully, calmly... And, and, and when I say calmly, we can get passionate, but we don't get disrespec- disrespectful. We don't get negative or toxic, and we simply state our opposing belief to something.

Lewis Howes 1:03:03 You don't have an attitude that, "You're wrong and bad. How could you think that?"

Stephan Speaks 1:03:06 Exactly. Now, again, that takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of work depending on how you've grown up and what you've engaged in, but that has to be the goal. The goal... And it's not so hard if we just practice-

Lewis Howes 1:03:17 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:03:18 ... and stick to practicing it. Like, we can't just keep making excuses for being all over the place and acting out of character. No, we have to set a certain standard, and we have to adhere to that standard.

Lewis Howes 1:03:29 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:03:29 All right? And if you can't, okay, then we can't keep talking. End of story. Like, I'm not gonna entertain. Like, even in social media, if someone leaves a negative comment, I'm not answering that. For what? I can recognize who are the people that would just wanna go back and forth with you. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not arguing with you. I will state my case. You either take it or you don't.

Lewis Howes 1:03:49 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:03:49 That's it.

Lewis Howes 1:03:50 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:03:50 Speak your truth and leave it at that.

Lewis Howes 1:03:53 What would be... Let's say, okay, I did step one. I wrote the list. I started writing letters. I send some of these letters out, but I'm still not f- I'm still feeling triggered. I still don't feel healed. Is there more steps to-

Stephan Speaks 1:04:05 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:04:05 ... healing 101?

Stephan Speaks 1:04:07 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:04:07 Or is, is, uh, is it just now is the time?

Stephan Speaks 1:04:10 No. So the other part I mentioned earlier was forgiveness.

Lewis Howes 1:04:14 All right.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:14 And forgiveness is a huge part. But what people have to understand with forgiveness is forgiveness isn't a snap-of-the-finger thing, all right? Meaning you could do all of this. You can say, "I forgive them. I'm good. I'm moving forward." And like you said, two, three weeks later, something happens and you're triggered.

Lewis Howes 1:04:31 You gotta keep forgiving.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:32 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:04:32 For a lot.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:33 In that moment, you have to stop yourself. See, the mistake we make is that when we get triggered, we allow ourselves to dive into it. We dwell in that moment. And so now you're, you're staying in that negative place. What you have to do is recognize the moment. Say, "No, I forgave them. What's done is done. I'm moving forward," and that's it. Keep practicing it. And as you practicing, uh, practice it, you'll notice you're triggered less. You'll notice it's affecting you less. Now you'll get to a point where it doesn't bother you at all. You're not phased by it. So it's a reprogramming of the brain to say, "You know what? This is not... This doesn't matter anymore. It's done. It's in the past." But it's not just forgiving them, it's forgiving ourselves, and that's a big hurdle for a lot of people. There are people listening to this who will be able to say, "I forgave that person," but you're still beating yourself up. You're still holding the mistake over your own head, whatever that is. And you have to learn that we all make mistakes. We all fall short. Learn from them. Grow. Move forward. Do not dwell on them. And so it's the same thing. Every time you find yourself beating yourself up, "No, I forgive myself. I'm done. What's done is done. I'm moving forward." That's it. You keep saying it to yourself. You will get to a place where it doesn't bother you anymore.

Lewis Howes 1:05:48 Is it harder to forgive someone that did something horrible to you, or is it harder to forgive yourself?

Stephan Speaks 1:05:59 It depends on what they did. [laughs] I think, I think, you know, that's gonna vary from situation to situation. Um, but I will say if I had to lean towards one, I would say forgiving ourselves is harder.

Lewis Howes 1:06:12 Why is it harder?

Stephan Speaks 1:06:13 Because we live with ourselves.

Lewis Howes 1:06:14 'Cause we live with ourselves.

Stephan Speaks 1:06:16 Yes. You see, like, that person can do that one thing and it can be very hurtful.

Lewis Howes 1:06:21 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:06:21 But we may not see them again. Um, we, we may not face a circumstance like that again. There may be buffers in our life that allows us to detach from what happened. But when we make a mistake, we have to live with that.

Lewis Howes 1:06:35 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:06:35 We have to face ourselves in the mirror. And then there may be other mistakes we make that pile onto that. You see, that person may have one offense that we have to forgive them for, but we can end up having several offenses against ourselves. And now it becomes a harder journey for a lot of people to just accept that we're, we're all flawed and we, we're all gonna fall short. I, I keep saying that. We, we... None of us get it perfect. None of us has never made a mistake. And you know how they say even in business, everyone who's successful has failed. And so in life, it's the same thing. Anyone who's successful at life has made mistakes. You're either gonna learn from them or you're gonna dwell on them, and too many people are dwelling in their mistakes.

Lewis Howes 1:07:18 Is there anything in your life you haven't healed yet?

Stephan Speaks 1:07:21 Um. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:07:25 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:07:26 You really put me on the spot today.

Lewis Howes 1:07:27 Ah, you know. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:07:28 [laughs] So, I will, I'm, I'm not gonna get too deep into it.

Lewis Howes 1:07:32 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:07:32 But I will say, I will say that I've done the letter before, all right? So I've done this whole process.

Lewis Howes 1:07:38 Sometimes you need to write multiple letters to the same person.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:41 Uh, a- no.

Lewis Howes 1:07:41 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:07:41 So, the, the person I did it for, um, I, I, I, I did all the, the big ones so to speak. But there was a small one, uh, with a family member that I didn't realize was a problem till years after.

Lewis Howes 1:07:55 Ah.

Stephan Speaks 1:07:56 Because it, to me at the time, I kind of brushed it under the rug, it's whatever, no big deal. Now, I will say this, and I'm not trying to make excuses. The, the issue I don't believe has any detrimental impact on my relationships, all right? 'Cause I do believe there... [laughs] Go through that.

Lewis Howes 1:08:13 There's some there.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:13 Go through that.

Lewis Howes 1:08:14 There's some there though. I don't know.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:15 No, you're right.

Lewis Howes 1:08:15 It's there.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:16 You're right. You're right. I'm not... Listen, I'm gonna handle it.

Lewis Howes 1:08:18 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:08:19 The letter's gonna be written. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:08:21 When? By when?

Stephan Speaks 1:08:22 By next week. By next week.

Lewis Howes 1:08:25 One day.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:26 Give me till... [laughs] You know what? Why not today?

Lewis Howes 1:08:30 Let's write it on the flight home.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:31 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:08:31 Write it, write it on the flight home.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:33 You know what? I'll do it today.

Lewis Howes 1:08:35 Let's go, baby.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:35 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:08:36 I like that. I like that.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:37 I'll do it today.

Lewis Howes 1:08:38 Okay.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:38 I got tired of the whole it's under the rug.

Lewis Howes 1:08:39 You'll, you'll write-

Stephan Speaks 1:08:40 I'll do it today

Lewis Howes 1:08:40 ... you'll write the letter you need to write.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:41 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:08:42 And then is this a letter you send to this person?

Stephan Speaks 1:08:44 Yeah, that one will be, will be sent. Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:08:47 Interesting. Now, do you do a two step, two step process there where you write, or a two draft process where you write-

Stephan Speaks 1:08:52 Yeah, I would still do, I would do-

Lewis Howes 1:08:53 Ah, and then...

Stephan Speaks 1:08:54 I truly believe in, in all those steps.

Lewis Howes 1:08:57 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:57 And I believe that we should not skip any of them. Because skipping them can really throw things off.

Lewis Howes 1:09:02 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:02 All right? Because again, you don't wanna say, "Well, I'm not really that mad, so I don't need draft one," right? But then for all you know, you've been suppressing more anger-

Lewis Howes 1:09:11 Interesting

Stephan Speaks 1:09:11 ... than you realize. So you-

Lewis Howes 1:09:12 Just say, "I hate you because..."

Stephan Speaks 1:09:14 [laughs] Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:09:15 Start it with that-

Stephan Speaks 1:09:16 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:09:17 ... and let it rip.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:18 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:09:18 And if nothing really comes, great. But allow yourself-

Stephan Speaks 1:09:20 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:09:20 ... to go as crazy as you want.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:22 Exactly. So I would not skip a step, and I would, I would encourage everyone, if you do this process, do not skip steps. Don't remix steps. I've seen some people say, "Well, I didn't do a letter, I sent a text." No.

Lewis Howes 1:09:33 It doesn't work.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:34 'Cause that's... Exactly. It's not the same thing. You can't send a text. You can't do one draft. You c- don't skip things. Do the whole thing as outlined.

Lewis Howes 1:09:41 Why does writing a letter, why is that more powerful than typing or texting or voice messaging a, a letter?

Stephan Speaks 1:09:48 So, because voice message, text... Typing is not bad. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:09:54 So you can type a letter-

Stephan Speaks 1:09:55 Type or writing is fine

Lewis Howes 1:09:56 ... and print it out.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:57 Yes. But text and voice message is bad because inherently and subconsciously, those are quick-hitting ways of expressing ourselves.

Lewis Howes 1:10:06 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:10:06 All right? We don't do a voice message to leave a 10, 15-minute message. All right? We typically do it for a quick one minute, two minute, three. It can be longer at times, but there's this thing in us that doesn't allow us to really draw it all the way out. Because if what you're feeling needs to be a 30-page long letter, you're not gonna do a 30 page worth voi- voice memo, chances are. Unless you wrote it first and then you expressed it through a voice recording. Or what you can do is you could record yourself. All right? Let it all out in recording, and then re-record the second draft. So you can do it by voice recording, but when it's a text voice memo and all that kind of stuff, or text messages... Because again, texts are condensed ways of expressing ourselves. They're not made for long expressions. So even if you say, "Well, I can..." No, you c- it's just not gonna work the same. And it's, it's very easy for you to feel like well, typing all of that, and if you gotta go back to type more and it's gonna spread over to, like, 10, 20 texts, most people aren't gonna do that. They're gonna try to make it shorter. So no.

Lewis Howes 1:11:14 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:11:15 Do the letter. But the alternative voice recording is an acceptable method.

Lewis Howes 1:11:19 Wow. Okay. So we've talked ab- so that's the thing you still need to heal, still work on yourself personally, is writing that letter.

Stephan Speaks 1:11:28 Yeah. And I will say this, because I w- I want it to be understood that I do believe there's some level of blockage because of it. So even though I said I don't think it ha- or I don't believe, and I'm pretty confident in saying-

Lewis Howes 1:11:42 There's a might

Stephan Speaks 1:11:42 ... it doesn't ha- yeah. There's, it's always a might. You're right. It's always possible. But I guess from, from my evaluation, I don't see it pouring into any of my ro- uh, into a romantic relationship. But-

Lewis Howes 1:11:54 Never know

Stephan Speaks 1:11:55 ... a- and let me say this. Not directly, but indirectly. So what I mean by that is sometimes the things that we're holding onto, and this is just maybe a random example. But let's say the weight of these things causes you to fall to depression at times, all right? So even though you may not see it-

Lewis Howes 1:12:12 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:12:12 ... as I'm directly going to be negative towards my partner, you falling into depression impacts the relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:12:20 It's still you being a hurt person.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:21 Exactly. And they have to deal with that.

Lewis Howes 1:12:24 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:24 So there, it-

Lewis Howes 1:12:25 Wow

Stephan Speaks 1:12:25 ... so it can always indirectly impact our relationships, and that's why it's important for us to not sweep it under the rug. And so, and so that's why I'm completely committed to doing it, and I was planning on doing it. Because I know that I don't wanna leave any stone unturned. You know what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 1:12:41 How long you been thinking about this? Uh...

Stephan Speaks 1:12:43 Since the beginning of the year.

Lewis Howes 1:12:44 Ah. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:12:45 [laughs] Since the beginning of the year.

Lewis Howes 1:12:47 It's time now. Now is the time.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:48 It is time.

Lewis Howes 1:12:49 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:50 It dawned on me in the beginning of the year. I was like, you know what? I, I think I gotta do this.

Lewis Howes 1:12:54 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:54 But then I had went, like I had went somewhere and then it, you know, life-

Lewis Howes 1:12:58 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:12:58 ... and you just keep sweeping it under the rug. And that's the mistake, that's the problem that we have. We let life get the best of us, and we get busy, and we get distracted. And again, doing these exercises isn't easy all the time. But we've gotta commit to it, and we gotta commit to understanding we want the best for ourselves, for our life, for our relationships. We've gotta cover all the bases when it comes to healing.

Lewis Howes 1:13:22 Let's say, uh, s- someone's single and they're meeting different people to date, right? And they don't want to... Well, maybe sh- maybe this is something they should do. What would be three questions they should ask to know if they have the right connection with someone? Seeing as you said connection is something that you can't create, you either have it or you don't.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:45 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:13:46 What are three questions to ask that person in the first hour of, of meeting them if you think you have connection?

Stephan Speaks 1:13:53 I, I don't even think it's questions to ask. I'll give you three things they should do.

Lewis Howes 1:13:57 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:57 All right? Three things. Number one, be your authentic self.

Lewis Howes 1:14:02 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:02 All right? So, no representative, no game playing, no trying to maneuver this because you really like this person and want them. No, just be yourself and either they, they're gonna like you and love you for who you are or they're not. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:14:15 What does, what does that mean? Like, say everything that's on your mind? Be as, like, quirky as you wanna be?

Stephan Speaks 1:14:19 Just be-

Lewis Howes 1:14:20 Unfiltered?

Stephan Speaks 1:14:21 If that's who you are, yes.

Lewis Howes 1:14:23 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:23 If that's who you are... So, if you're a quirky person-

Lewis Howes 1:14:25 So, don't be on your best behavior of, like, okay, I'm gonna let this slide and this slide.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:29 No. So, let me give you a perfect example. Um, let's say for a woman, she's dating a guy and she views this guy as very conservative. All right? So, she thinks she has to come and be an angel on this date.

Lewis Howes 1:14:44 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:44 Be good girl, all right? But lo and behold, she's a little scandalous.

Lewis Howes 1:14:47 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:14:47 She's a little out there, all right? But what she doesn't realize is he likes that.

Lewis Howes 1:14:52 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:14:52 He actually wants the side of her she's not showing, all right? But she's projecting what she thinks that she needs to bring to the table because of who she thinks he is, but she doesn't know the full real him. So, a lot of people don't even realize they're shooting themselves in the foot because you're doing who you... You're being what you think you should be rather than just be yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:15:11 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:11 And if they are, if they're connecting with that, great. If they don't, so be it. Let's not play any games with each other. So again, if you're quirky, be quirky. If, if you're a very affectionate person, be affectionate. Granted, there can be boundaries drawn so that we don't make any confusion as to-

Lewis Howes 1:15:27 Sure

Stephan Speaks 1:15:27 ... sending the wrong message. But don't hinder being your true self.

Lewis Howes 1:15:31 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:32 Because that only throws things off.

Lewis Howes 1:15:34 Okay. That's number one.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:35 Second thing is be very honest and transparent. All right? So, it's one thing to be yourself, but sometimes when the conversation goes into certain areas, we, we don't want to be open and honest about what we're thinking or how we feel. Let's say, for example, not that people should be, need to be talking about politics on the first date. But let's just say they ask you about politics, right?

Lewis Howes 1:15:57 Say how you feel.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:58 Yes. Because what purpose does it serve for you to try to dodge it? To then find out later that you guys don't, don't get together.

Lewis Howes 1:16:06 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:06 Perfect example, I had a client one time who met this guy. She felt a, he, he... There was a connection there. She felt like this was it, right? And they had some other issues, but one of the stickling, the sticking issues they had was he was a Trump supporter, she was not.

Lewis Howes 1:16:20 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:21 Okay? Now, I said, "Listen, so you're telling me that you guys may not get together over a man who will only be president for X amount of years." [laughs] Okay? "But your relationship can span way past that." Now, I understand for people it goes deeper than that.

Lewis Howes 1:16:35 His values or something else. Yeah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:36 Exactly. But the point is, if he would have, if he swept it under the rug and tried to just avoid the political st-

Lewis Howes 1:16:43 Just to get you to like him

Stephan Speaks 1:16:44 ... his political standing. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:16:45 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:16:45 Only for it to come out later and destroy everything. You only delayed the inevitable. I'd rather know that we're not on the same page from day one than to wait until year one or year two. That makes no sense. All right? And again, to me, if there's a true connection, we're either gonna have the same values or we're gonna be able to work through them.

Lewis Howes 1:17:08 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:17:08 Because connection does not mean that everything is gonna be in perfect alignment as far as how we see things. But we will be able to embrace each other's differences. That difference wouldn't make us wanna walk away from each other.

Lewis Howes 1:17:21 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:17:22 All right? So again, be yourself and open, answer things openly and transparently so we're not leaving, uh, any mystery here or playing any games.

Lewis Howes 1:17:31 Yep. And then the third thing?

Stephan Speaks 1:17:33 The third thing is just be aware. And, and to me, what I mean by that is... And I'm gonna use men right now, 'cause I do feel like as men, we'll meet a woman, and again, she might be awesome, be great. And a lot of times we know deep inside, "Eh, something's not there."

Lewis Howes 1:17:50 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:17:51 "She's just not the one." But we really like her or we really like aspects about her, so we wanna hold onto this. So, you're allowing this desire-

Lewis Howes 1:17:59 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:17:59 ... to blind you and not allow you to be aware of the fact that no, you know she's not it. And accept that. Accept that and walk away, end it, because there's no point in dragging this on. At the very least, if you wanna continue it, then be honest about this ain't going anywhere. And if we wanna have fun, if you wanna have fun with each other, that's two adults making their own decision. But don't, don't continue on under the guise of I'm, I'm looking for a serious relationship with this woman when I know deep inside she's not the one for me.

Lewis Howes 1:18:27 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:27 All right? And the same thing happens with women. It's like, yo, just be aware because I, I will tell you everyone that I've spoken to about connection and, and has expressed that they've experienced this, it was pretty much an instant thing.

Lewis Howes 1:18:40 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:40 It wasn't an over time thing. So as long as you're aware-

Lewis Howes 1:18:43 That's why you hear some people are like, "We got married in like three months."

Stephan Speaks 1:18:47 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:18:47 " 'Cause we just knew, like something was connecting."

Stephan Speaks 1:18:49 Exactly. And, and what I hate that's happening in society now is love bombing. All right? So, love bombing is a hot topic, and I, and I one day wanna do a video on it. But people view these fast moving relationships as, "Oh, it's love bombing. Oh, it's toxic." And it's like, that's not every situation. And I think one of the most important things to understand about love bombing is love bombing is a one-way action. Meaning it's one person trying to overwhelm you with all this love to get you to buy into it and move forward. Connection is a two-way experience. When two people are feeling this draw to each other-

Lewis Howes 1:19:26 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:19:26 ... both feeling into each other, that's real You shouldn't run from that, and you shouldn't say, "Oh, well, it's happening too fast." I would argue real love, real connection is fast. That, that, that over time-

Lewis Howes 1:19:39 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:19:39 ... stuff is you're learning to tolerate each other. You're becoming attached to each other. You, you're becoming conditioned to each other's presence. It's not actual real love or connection. You know what I'm saying? And so, w- we've been, w- we've, we've, people have been brainwashed in my opinion. I, I just think... And again, if you really sit down and examine these situations, you will see the huge differences. I remember one time I had an Uber driver. He said he met his wife, the first time he met her, they went on a date, he knew she was the one.

Lewis Howes 1:20:08 Gosh, that's crazy.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:08 They've been married 65 years.

Lewis Howes 1:20:10 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:10 Happy as hell.

Lewis Howes 1:20:12 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:20:12 He says, like, he would never leave. Like, he, they're still affectionate, they're still loving.

Lewis Howes 1:20:17 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:17 Maybe it was 55 years. Either way, it was a long time.

Lewis Howes 1:20:20 Wow. Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:20 All right? And he's like, yeah, he's like, he, he was telling me how he doesn't understand how this world works now. It's just crazy to him and, and all these things. It didn't take him forever to wanna marry his wife.

Lewis Howes 1:20:30 Of the people that you think are in a relationship for over a year, your estimate-

Stephan Speaks 1:20:35 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:20:35 ... what percentage of them, uh, are really happy and have true connection? The people-

Stephan Speaks 1:20:44 Man

Lewis Howes 1:20:44 ... in a relationship for over a year-

Stephan Speaks 1:20:46 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:20:46 ... what's the percent of people that you think, let's say in America, that have true connection and are not just in it because of chemistry or maybe there's some compatibility or desire for the first year or there's some whatever?

Stephan Speaks 1:20:59 The number that's coming to me is 20%.

Lewis Howes 1:21:02 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:03 And I might be being generous.

Lewis Howes 1:21:04 [laughs] Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:07 I would argue the, the vast majority, even past a year, are not truly happy and there's not a true connection.

Lewis Howes 1:21:14 So you're telling, you're telling me you believe that 80% of people that are in a relationship don't have real connection.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:21 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:21:22 Then why... Uh, no. Okay, here's what. One, why are we, why do people stay in relationships if they don't have connection? And two, if that many people are with the wrong people, if they all broke up, could they find the right person? Or would it maybe never find someone with real connection?

Stephan Speaks 1:21:43 Okay. So why we stay even when there's not a connection. One, because people don't even understand the concept of connection.

Lewis Howes 1:21:50 Okay.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:50 So it's a very foreign thing to a lot of people. And what they've been taught by others is it's not about connection. It's about, well, you like them, they like you, and you get together and you see if you can make it work, right? And, and because other relationships that are together without connection want to validate their relationship, they will encourage others who don't have connection to move forward in their relationship. All right? Because again, they don't wanna face that fact. One e- quick example-

Lewis Howes 1:22:16 People are also afraid to be alone, I think.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:18 Oh, absolutely. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to start over. Afraid to be wrong. Because especially in a situation where other people told you this wasn't it and you fought hard to defend it-

Lewis Howes 1:22:28 Oh. Oh, man

Stephan Speaks 1:22:29 ... you don't wanna face that. There's also the I don't want the other person to win, and I use that with-

Lewis Howes 1:22:34 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:22:34 ... a lot of women, that happens. Whereas if there's another woman that's somewhere in the situation, um, that he dated or maybe there was anything that happened, it becomes a competition.

Lewis Howes 1:22:45 Oh my gosh.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:46 I'm not gonna let him go because I don't want her to win.

Lewis Howes 1:22:48 No.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:48 Not because I want this man or he's so amazing [laughs] because-

Lewis Howes 1:22:51 That seems exhausting

Stephan Speaks 1:22:52 ... it is super exhausting, but there are a lot of women who engage in those kind of situations.

Lewis Howes 1:22:56 Man, that's tough.

Stephan Speaks 1:22:57 Or have fallen into those types of situations. So-

Lewis Howes 1:23:00 Well, I think another one is, well, we've invested this much time, I don't wanna lose time.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:04 That is a huge one-

Lewis Howes 1:23:06 Really?

Stephan Speaks 1:23:06 ... especially for women. Women... And, and it's everybody, but I do think it's even more so for women. Women have a very hard time walking away from anything they've invested a lot of energy, time, and emotion into. This is even for their careers. There are women right now listening to this who are not happy in their careers. They have not been happy for a long time. They may be successful, they may be doing very well, but they've never felt at peace and at home there. But it is so hard to walk away when they gave so many years to it, so much time and energy to it.

Lewis Howes 1:23:41 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:41 They don't know how to just let it go. And so the same thing happens in their relationships. Yes, if they've invested so much time, even though they know he's not it, they know this relationship is not what it needs to be, they don't wanna walk away from that. So all of those things paralyze people and keep them in a situation where there's no connection.

Lewis Howes 1:24:00 Yeah, I think I interrupted you. I'm not sure if you were gonna say something else, but I, I chimed in at one point, so.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:04 I can't even remember.

Lewis Howes 1:24:05 Yeah, no worries.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:05 But the second part was you said, uh, we, so you said why do they stay when there's not a connection?

Lewis Howes 1:24:11 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:11 And if they were to break up-

Lewis Howes 1:24:12 If, if 80% of these people said, "You know what? We're breaking up 'cause we don't have a connection," could they find someone with connection in the next couple years, or would they ever find that person?

Stephan Speaks 1:24:22 I think it's very possible. Can I say that it's yes for everybody? No. But I think for the most people, yes. I think what people don't realize is, again, there are a lot of people who... I know a woman, all right? Uh, she was a client many years ago. She, make a long story short. S- so she g- she married her guy knowing he wasn't it. She actually wanted to break up a few times before he proposed.

Lewis Howes 1:24:46 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:46 But found herself kind of feeling stuck.

Lewis Howes 1:24:48 Yeah. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:48 Didn't know how to reject it. She went through with it. Many years later, she meets a guy that she feels a connection with that she never felt before.

Lewis Howes 1:24:56 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:57 Way more into this man than she ever was into her husband. But again, to the outside who doesn't understand this, they'll just say, "Oh, this woman lost interest," or, "She's a horrible wife," or whatever. But no, she always knew there was no connection with her husband.

Lewis Howes 1:25:10 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:10 She didn't even wanna marry this guy. There are men and women who have gotten married knowing this is not the one.

Lewis Howes 1:25:16 On their wedding days, they knew.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:17 Yes. I had another client who said their fam- her whole family told her, "If you wanna stop the..." They were at the wedding, they were in a room in the back, said, "If you wanna stop the wedding right now, we will support you."

Lewis Howes 1:25:28 Let's go.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:29 She said she walked out and walked down that aisle and got married. And she said you know why she did it? Because she deserved to be married.

Lewis Howes 1:25:35 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:36 Not because that man was the one

Lewis Howes 1:25:39 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:39 Not, not because there was a connection.

Lewis Howes 1:25:41 That's the worst.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:41 No, because at that point she felt like she deserved it.

Lewis Howes 1:25:44 I'm, I'm 30, I'm this. I deserve... My friends are all married.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:48 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:25:49 Now I deserve it.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:50 Exactly. And now-

Lewis Howes 1:25:52 Oh, man

Stephan Speaks 1:25:52 ... and she, she can acknowledge that right now.

Lewis Howes 1:25:53 That makes me sick. That would make me sick if I was that guy. And if I wanted to... If I love this woman very much, and I was giving my life to this woman, and she in her heart behind the scenes, 15 minutes before walking out, everyone's saying, "Walk away. We know this isn't the right for you. You know it's not right for you." And she goes, "You know what? I deserve to be married, so I'm gonna do it anyways, even if it's not right."

Stephan Speaks 1:26:15 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:26:16 That would... That's, like, so painful for the man I feel like too.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:20 Yeah. It's more-

Lewis Howes 1:26:20 It's more painful being in a relationship where someone doesn't wanna be with you than them breaking up with you, in my opinion.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:28 Yeah. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:26:29 I don't know.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:29 I mean-

Lewis Howes 1:26:30 Then you're li- living a lie as married. You're like, "Okay, this person really doesn't wanna be with me for me."

Stephan Speaks 1:26:34 It, it's, it's, it's, it's more hurtful because you're trapped in a situation where you're never gonna get what you deserve and need.

Lewis Howes 1:26:40 Oh, man.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:41 So at least if they break up with you, the break-up hurts, but you're been, you've been set free.

Lewis Howes 1:26:46 Free.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:46 And now you can get what you deserve.

Lewis Howes 1:26:48 Free.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:48 But to stay there, and they don't really wanna be with you. And if they don't really wanna be with you, they're not gonna pour into you the way that you need.

Lewis Howes 1:26:54 Ugh.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:55 You're never gonna have happiness and peace. So absolutely, it's much worse to be in that situation than to be broken up with. But I would say that a lot of men don't even realize what's going on in these situations. Uh, and what men have to realize is, listen, like I would argue in that scenario he's not really in love with her. He's infatuated with her.

Lewis Howes 1:27:16 That's why he's willing to put up with things-

Stephan Speaks 1:27:17 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:27:18 ... and do, tolerate things that he doesn't wanna do-

Stephan Speaks 1:27:19 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:27:20 ... to have this idea of her.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:21 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:27:22 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:22 He's infatuated. He's attached.

Lewis Howes 1:27:24 Interesting.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:25 And so it, it... He views it as love, you know. A- a- and, and I'm not saying no situation is ever real love, but a lot of people get love mixed up.

Lewis Howes 1:27:34 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:27:35 You know? And, and again, to me real love is a two-way thing. All right? And if, if we really love each other, then... What I was gonna say, we really love each other we'd be able and willing to pour into each other. But unfortunately, this is where lack of healing comes in because there... That's why, like, there are some situations where two people can have a connection, can truly be in love, but if there's a lack of healing, it can still get thrown off. There's a lot of people who met their connection, but it did not happen because of fear. It did not happen because of a lack of healing. It did not happen because this was foreign to them. This was scary to them. It's very overwhelming to meet that person you have a connection with. It, it pulls out all your insecurities.

Lewis Howes 1:28:17 Oof.

Stephan Speaks 1:28:17 It makes you vulnerable in a way that you've never been vulnerable, and that is a lot. And so people will now run from their connection and go be with the person they're not really in love with-

Lewis Howes 1:28:28 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:28:28 ... because it's safer there.

Lewis Howes 1:28:30 Why? Why? If you find someone with this connection, this is a great match, would you sabotage it over and over again to go find someone who's not a match? Why do people do this?

Stephan Speaks 1:28:42 Because... So there's a few things to consider. One, the person you have a connection with has the power to hurt you like nobody else.

Lewis Howes 1:28:51 Oh, my gosh.

Stephan Speaks 1:28:51 So if your perspective... Let's say you're a woman, and you perceive all men as they're gonna hurt you, they're gonna do you wrong, right?

Lewis Howes 1:28:59 They're gonna lie. They're gonna cheat. They can't be trusted.

Stephan Speaks 1:29:02 Exactly. So now I'm faced with guy A, who is Mr. Perfect. He does everything right, and I have an amazing connection with him.

Lewis Howes 1:29:09 He pours into me love-

Stephan Speaks 1:29:11 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:29:11 ... support, everything.

Stephan Speaks 1:29:13 Okay. And, and there's a connection there. But then I have guy B, where it's not a connection there, but over here I feel like I have one more value, all right? Because with perfect guy, I'm looking at him like, "This amazing man, how do I even deserve this?" A lot of women have a struggle of-

Lewis Howes 1:29:31 Wow

Stephan Speaks 1:29:31 ... feel like they truly deserve this man or that they are truly good enough for this man, all right? They may not all verbalize it, but behind closed doors that is a struggle for a lot of women. Also, it's the, the, the situation where, again, if you view men as they're gonna hurt you, the guy, guy B, who's not good for you, is showing you they're not good from the jump. So you know what's coming.

Lewis Howes 1:29:53 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:29:54 All right? It's easier to deal with that than the perfect guy... And I say perfect in the sense of he's just an amazing guy. Than that guy we have the connection with, where it's almost like you're waiting for the pin to drop and it still haven't come yet.

Lewis Howes 1:30:07 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:30:07 What the hell's going on here? It's like-

Lewis Howes 1:30:08 It's too good to be true or whatever. Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:30:09 ... yeah. And you're waiting to get hit. There was literally an episode on Divorce Court one time-

Lewis Howes 1:30:14 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:30:14 ... where this woman, she leaves this man. They asked the woman, "Why did you leave this man? What was the situation?" She said, "He was perfect. He cooked. He cleaned. He was my best friend."

Lewis Howes 1:30:26 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:30:26 "He was an amazing partner." They said, "So why did you leave him?" Verbatim, this is what she said. "I was just waiting for him to turn around and hit me." Now, everyone in the audience, and even the judge, didn't understand what was going on there. "Oh, you're just ridiculous. You're a horrible woman." No, what she's saying is she is so conditioned to men being dysfunctional, hurtful, lying, cheating, whatever, that she could not believe-

Lewis Howes 1:30:51 Wow

Stephan Speaks 1:30:51 ... that this man was this good. And so now the fear of something has to happen drives you crazy.

Lewis Howes 1:30:58 Good goodness.

Stephan Speaks 1:30:59 And so w- so now what will happen is-

Lewis Howes 1:31:01 Is this a non-healed woman?

Stephan Speaks 1:31:02 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:31:03 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:03 So you will either run or you will try to sabotage because you've got to make something bad stick out. You gotta validate your fear.

Lewis Howes 1:31:13 'Cause you may not like it, but that's normal.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:15 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:31:15 It becomes normal for you.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:16 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:31:16 And whatever is not normal is unfamiliar and scary.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:20 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:31:20 Even if it's good for you.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:21 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:31:22 Even if it's peaceful and loving.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:24 Y-

Lewis Howes 1:31:24 You've never had it. It's unfamiliar, so you're like, "What's wrong?"

Stephan Speaks 1:31:27 Exactly. And where, when the hell is something wrong gonna happen? Something wrong has to happen. That's what I've been trained to believe. So now I can't take this insanity of waiting.

Lewis Howes 1:31:37 Oh, my gosh.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:39 That's what happens to a lot of people

Lewis Howes 1:31:41 [sighs]

Stephan Speaks 1:31:42 A lot of people. And I'm telling you, that's why... And, and let me give you another, uh-

Lewis Howes 1:31:45 Give it to me

Stephan Speaks 1:31:45 ... angle.

Lewis Howes 1:31:46 Give it to me.

Stephan Speaks 1:31:47 So, I've had a lot of, uh, clients, women clients, who have used the term, "I felt like I was losing myself," when dealing with a man that they had a connection with. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:31:59 They... Really?

Stephan Speaks 1:31:59 Yes. So, here's the problem. If that woman has been hurt, all right? In all these situations she has been hurt, she has experienced some level of damage and trauma. She now becomes guarded. All right? That guardedness is her shield.

Lewis Howes 1:32:13 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:13 It is her protection in her eyes. All right? But it also allows her to not be fully vulnerable. Okay? So now, she's operating under the, in this, under this shell, behind these walls. The man she has a connection with forces you to come out of that. So now, you feel like you're losing yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:32:32 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:32 But you're not losing yourself, you're losing who you've conditioned yourself to believe you are-

Lewis Howes 1:32:37 Oh, my goodness

Stephan Speaks 1:32:37 ... out of the need for protection.

Lewis Howes 1:32:39 Eeh.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:40 Even though it wasn't really protecting you, it was hurting you even more the whole time.

Lewis Howes 1:32:44 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:44 All right? So now-

Lewis Howes 1:32:45 You're losing that ego part of yourself.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:48 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:32:48 The masks.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:49 And, and the-

Lewis Howes 1:32:49 The guards

Stephan Speaks 1:32:49 ... safety of the guard- the safety of the walls.

Lewis Howes 1:32:52 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:52 You c- you're not allowed to have those walls with a con- in a relationship that you have a connection. It demands greater of you.

Lewis Howes 1:32:58 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:32:58 But the dysfunctional guy, the no-good guy, the loser, does not demand that of you.

Lewis Howes 1:33:03 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:33:04 So you can continue to operate behind your walls, giving three-quarters, half of your heart, all right? And validate it because you're with a guy who's beneath you, so to speak, who you're not really in love with.

Lewis Howes 1:33:16 And you're more in control of the situation.

Stephan Speaks 1:33:18 You have emotional control-

Lewis Howes 1:33:20 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:33:20 ... with this guy. You feel like your emotions are all over the damn place with the other guy.

Lewis Howes 1:33:25 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:33:26 And you can't deal with that. It's, it's nerve-wracking.

Lewis Howes 1:33:29 Why is it so hard for women to deal with that? To deal with the full expression of their emotions, vulnerability?

Stephan Speaks 1:33:36 Because I, I believe it's because women, as they, as they grow up, they're much more emotionally giving of themselves. So because of that, even when they get into relationships, they... That first relationship where she fell in love or thought she was in love, she really gave herself. See, as men, we don't always fully give ourselves. We're... That, that, that situation where we do that is a lot more rare. We have to feel like this is the one. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:34:04 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:34:04 Whereas a woman, if she feel like, "I can be with this guy, I want to be with this guy," she gives of herself. And since this tends to happen typically at a young age, high school, early college. At a time where men at that age are boys, and don't know how to handle a woman's love, emotions, and the commitment that's required in that relationship. It is more than likely he's going to hurt her.

Lewis Howes 1:34:28 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:34:28 Whether it's completely his fault, whether it's also, uh, s- her doing some things. 'Cause it's not only the man that's, does wrong, it's the woman too. But the point is, they're both young. They both have not learned-

Lewis Howes 1:34:39 Wow

Stephan Speaks 1:34:39 ... how to be mature and master their emotions. And so, she's gonna typically get hurt. And now, from that point, she says, "I will never let that happen to me again." The wall comes up.

Lewis Howes 1:34:51 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:34:51 Now she's guarded. Now she's trying to manage her vulnerabilities.

Lewis Howes 1:34:54 She is.

Stephan Speaks 1:34:54 When she was younger, she wasn't fully managing it. If anything, when women are younger, it's other people trying to pull them back. "Don't be so into... You can't be all into the guy. Relax."

Lewis Howes 1:35:04 It's true.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:04 But she wants to just give, give.

Lewis Howes 1:35:05 Act like you don't care. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:06 Exactly. Yeah, act like you don't care. All this game playing. But once she gets older, "Nah, now it's, it's okay. I'm not, I'm not going that far."

Lewis Howes 1:35:15 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:35:15 But the problem is, that works well with the no-good guy. That shoots you in the foot with the guy you have a connection with or that's the really good guy for you. And so, it's, it's a horrible negative cycle. But again-

Lewis Howes 1:35:26 [sighs]

Stephan Speaks 1:35:27 ... lack of healing. And listen, the same thing can happen to a man. But here's the difference. Men, let's say when he's younger, thinks he falls in love, gives his heart to a girl, she crushes it. And he can't go on a vengeful, "F these women, F life. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do whatever I want." Right? But then if he meets an amazing woman, there's a greater chance of him being willing to embrace that she's an amazing woman and give it another chance.

Lewis Howes 1:35:56 Why?

Stephan Speaks 1:35:56 Because he has not been conditioned to believe that all women are horrible.

Lewis Howes 1:36:02 Why are women conditioned this way?

Stephan Speaks 1:36:04 Because they're getting stories from their mothers, their aunts, their sisters, their friends, society, TV, all saying, "Men bad, men bad, men bad. Men do wrong." The only place they can see a, a, a story of love i- is Disney. And not even Disney anymore maybe. I don't know.

Lewis Howes 1:36:21 Right, right, right.

Stephan Speaks 1:36:21 But, you know, it, it... That, that fairy tale doesn't exist. All right? Men are not... It's not pushed as much on men. Are there some men who have been pushed to the edge of believing all women are bad? Yes. And those men act horribly, and those men will reject that amazing woman when she comes his way. But a lot of men-

Lewis Howes 1:36:41 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:36:42 ... still have hope. A lot of women, they'll, they don't have hope. They're just trying to work with it.

Lewis Howes 1:36:48 [whistles]

Stephan Speaks 1:36:49 All right? So, that's what makes a huge difference. So when the good, amazing woman comes his way, he has a reason to think, "Maybe this could really be it." When the good, amazing man comes her, her way, it's, "Nah, this can't be real." Because that doesn't exist.

Lewis Howes 1:37:05 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:05 Men like this don't exist. How could this be happening right now?

Lewis Howes 1:37:09 And if you convince yourself that enough, you'll find something wrong with the person.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:13 You...

Lewis Howes 1:37:13 Whether they did something wrong or not.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:14 Exactly. You will create... Listen, I hate to say this, but this is truth. Some women, and I say some, will create false narratives. They will create stories that don't actually exist.

Lewis Howes 1:37:27 No.

Stephan Speaks 1:37:28 Because they need something. And this even happens when it comes to dating. I, I have a video about you will always be the bad guy. And what I tell men is that if you don't... There's a lot of women out there that if you don't give them what they wanted ultimately, whatever it was- They're gonna at some point view you as the bad guy

Lewis Howes 1:37:44 What does that usually mean? If you didn't get me a ring, if you didn't do this for me-

Stephan Speaks 1:37:48 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:37:48 ... if you didn't do this for me

Stephan Speaks 1:37:48 So let's say, for example, you met a woman. She deep inside wanted a real committed relationship, and you never gave that to her. And let's just say you weren't even lying to her. You were telling her, "I really don't really want a relationship." But she was going along with it hoping-

Lewis Howes 1:38:01 You would change

Stephan Speaks 1:38:01 ... she would get that. She doesn't get that. To you, to her now, she can't view you in a positive light. Because in order for her to break free from this and suppress her emotions, she has to view you as the bad guy. She has to create a negative narrative about you. That's the only way to make it easier for her. Now, again, I stress this isn't, this isn't all women, but this happens with a lot of women. And so now what happens is that woman-

Lewis Howes 1:38:25 Is this, is this why every [laughs] almo- honestly maybe all but like one of my past relationships made me out to be a bad person when I didn't give them what they wanted?

Stephan Speaks 1:38:35 Absolutely

Lewis Howes 1:38:36 A- and said ba- ... Even if I didn't do anything bad or wrong, or a guy of integrity, if it just didn't work out, then it was like, okay, they never wanted to speak to me again. I was the worst person in the world. They couldn't be my friend. They talked bad about me. Whatever. And I was like, "Just 'cause I didn't give you what you want. We want different things."

Stephan Speaks 1:38:53 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:38:54 But now I'm this horrible human being?

Stephan Speaks 1:38:56 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:38:56 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:38:57 Because if they, if they believe in good Lewis, that makes it a struggle for them to accept not being with Lewis.

Lewis Howes 1:39:04 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:39:04 That makes it a struggle for them to accept how the situation didn't go the way they wanted. They have to project something negative onto you.

Lewis Howes 1:39:12 Because if I... At the end of the day, the relationship didn't work out. What is it, what are they saying to themselves? That I wasn't good enough for him or he, something has to be wrong with him so that I feel like I'm good with myself.

Stephan Speaks 1:39:25 So there's a part of them... So m- I was just, w- uh, I wasn't watching the movie. It was, the movie was on TV, and there was a scene that popped up where this girl said this guy just broke up with her, right? And all the girls on the table was like, "Oh, he, he's just afraid of his emotions. He's this, he's that." Then this one person at the table, who was actually a guy disguised as a woman, said, "Are y'all blind? He just wants his space. He doesn't wanna be with you." They all got silent and looked at him. And he said, "Oh, no, it's his emotions."

Lewis Howes 1:39:52 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:39:52 Like he had to change the narrative. So it, what it shows you is that there's a part of that woman who does think, "Damn, is it me? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me?"

Lewis Howes 1:40:02 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:02 In order to fight that, she has to now come with the other side. No, it's him. He has the issues. He's wrong. That's the way to fight that. Now, in my opinion, you, you... We have to learn, and I, and I would encourage people, listen, you c- it cannot be about you and they're not a bad guy. You see what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't have to be either/or. We can understand that we just weren't the right match.

Lewis Howes 1:40:25 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:25 We weren't the right fit.

Lewis Howes 1:40:26 That's it.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:26 That's all it is to it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough as a woman. You can be an amazing, great woman. It just-

Lewis Howes 1:40:31 But we weren't the right match.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:32 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:40:33 We didn't have a connection.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:34 Exactly. You, she wasn't for you. You weren't for her. That's it. If we can learn to accept that, we don't have to hold on to any negative narrative about the person.

Lewis Howes 1:40:42 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:42 But guess what? Again, and I, I will... I, I have to say, there are men who do this too.

Lewis Howes 1:40:47 Sure. Of course.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:48 It's the same way, like when a man, some man will try to approach the woman. She rejects him and immediately, "Oh, you be, you this, you that." You know? She go, he goes off on her because now I have to make you into a bad person because you didn't give me what I wanted.

Lewis Howes 1:40:59 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:40:59 Because it makes it easier for me to accept the outcome of this.

Lewis Howes 1:41:03 It's funny you're saying this. There's something you mentioned earlier about how when a good man shows up, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes a woman says like, "This is too good to be true," or, "When's something bad gonna happen?" I remember I was in a relationship about a decade ago. I think it was nine to 10 years ago. The relationship was going amazing for the first three, four, maybe five months. I mean, it was like I felt connection, chemistry, compatibility. Um, I felt all those things. Whether I had them all or not is irrelevant.

Stephan Speaks 1:41:37 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:41:37 But there was one night that she thought I was doing something wrong that I wasn't doing. She made something up, was so convinced that I did something that I didn't do.

Stephan Speaks 1:41:49 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:41:50 No matter what I said to say like, "Hey, I'm not doing this." It's like she couldn't believe it. She had to hold on to this belief of like, that I did this thing wrong. We go through... I'm just kind of like, what is happening now? She's angry, passive aggressive, not speaking to me for like 24 hours. I'm like, what just happened? I have no clue what happened. We were, one moment everything was fine. We're happy, connecting. The next moment it was like she flipped and was like pushing me away and blaming me for something I didn't do. And the next day I'm like, what is going on? Like, after we finally talked, I go, "What is going on?" She goes, "To be honest..." And this was probably like a big red flag that I should have noticed right away.

Stephan Speaks 1:42:31 Mm.

Lewis Howes 1:42:31 Where she said, "To be honest, I didn't feel like I would meet someone to, someone like you at this stage of my life."

Stephan Speaks 1:42:36 You see?

Lewis Howes 1:42:37 She was like 26, 27, and I think I was like 29. Um, and she goes, "I didn't think I'd meet someone like you at this stage. I thought I'd meet you like after I was 30."

Stephan Speaks 1:42:47 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:42:48 And I th- and I was like, "What does that even mean?" I didn't, wasn't even aware of that. But really what I'm hearing now is like the, I didn't even know this was possible-

Stephan Speaks 1:42:57 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:42:57 ... you know? And, and-

Stephan Speaks 1:42:58 It's, it's way more common than you'd think

Lewis Howes 1:43:00 ... or if I was ready for someone who was like healthier version-

Stephan Speaks 1:43:04 Mm

Lewis Howes 1:43:04 ... uh, because she had a lot of stuff that she hadn't healed yet from, from stuff, I won't get into it, but... And I don't think she was ready for love and someone who was just like, "I'm here to love you. I'm here to like be support. I'm a good guy. I'm here to show up. I'm patient. I'm present. I'm like, we have fun." All these things.

Stephan Speaks 1:43:21 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:43:21 And I think after like three, four months of that, she was like, "Wait a minute," like, "this can't be real." I was like, "What are you talking about? Just embrace it."

Stephan Speaks 1:43:28 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:43:28 Like, "Let's just do this thing." And it ended up being another six, seven months of like up and down chaos, stress, love, resistance.

Stephan Speaks 1:43:37 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:43:37 And to eventually where it just kind of drove me mad where I was like, "I can't do this anymore. You know, we had this thing and then you weren't willing to like continue on with it, and now- Now I'm trying to stay in this thing longer and make it work, and it's not working, and it ended up not working. So why is that so... I mean, is that pe- women under 30s, over 30s? Is that all ages? Is that... What is that?

Stephan Speaks 1:44:02 No, I think it, it, it just depends on the, the experience of the woman-

Lewis Howes 1:44:05 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:44:06 ... what she's been through, uh, the household she's been brought up in, if she's been hurt before. Because, you know, granted I, I do... If I'm gonna be honest, I do think that as the woman gets older, the chances of her having these issues or, or struggles becomes greater because she's been through more. She's... Chances are, you know, you're past 30, you may have been through a couple relationships.

Lewis Howes 1:44:28 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:44:28 You may have been through a few men that you really liked and now that hurts you. Whereas, if you're 22, 23, there's less of a chance. You see? It can still happen, but there's just less of a chance.

Lewis Howes 1:44:38 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:44:38 So that's the, that's the, the... what can change there, you know? But I have to say, man, it's so much more common than people realize. I have so many stories from men clients and even friends and associates who've all experienced this, that all of a sudden the woman's saying, "I, I can't do this." Like, everything going perfect and saying things like, "You're too perfect." Saying things like, "Lisa, I didn't think I was gonna meet you right now." I had a client who went through a whole long scenario, uh, with a woman and she said that to him. She said, "I did not expect to meet you at this point in my life."

Lewis Howes 1:45:13 Then why are you with this person? Why are you dating this person?

Stephan Speaks 1:45:16 Because again, it's, it's... she came into it saying, "Good-looking guy. I like this guy." She didn't know she's gonna feel this way. She didn't know it was gonna be like this. She... And she thought you'd probably be like any other guy who was gonna, you know, do stupid stuff and piss her off. But the more and more you show that you're an amazing man, it's like, "Wait, hold up. What's going on here?"

Lewis Howes 1:45:34 Why even go on dates if you're not looking for that connection, if you're not looking for that greatest version of someone that you could partner with?

Stephan Speaks 1:45:42 Because, again, people... a lot of people don't even believe it exists.

Lewis Howes 1:45:45 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 1:45:45 A lot of people are not aware of it. And, and a lot of people just want companionship.

Lewis Howes 1:45:50 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:45:50 And to, to, to rationalize to yourself that I should only entertain them, uh, if I can find a connection can be discouraging because you feel like, dang, connection is hard as hell to find. So if, if that's the only purpose of me going out, then it becomes more stressful. I just want to go out and have fun. I just want to enjoy myself. And that's normal I think for both sides. We just want to, we want to enjoy life, we want to meet people. It doesn't mean they don't deep inside want that. But again, I would argue that depending on where they are and, and what they understand, their, their emotional awareness, um, they may not actually be ready for that, you know? And if you haven't healed, chances are you're not ready for it.

Lewis Howes 1:46:32 Let's talk about expectations. What type of expectations does someone have going into a relationship of their partner? Should they have the highest level of expectations? Should they have low expectations? What should we have?

Stephan Speaks 1:46:47 So I, I don't believe in expectations at all. Um-

Lewis Howes 1:46:51 Having them?

Stephan Speaks 1:46:51 Having them at all. I... Because I believe expectation kills, uh, appreciation.

Lewis Howes 1:46:56 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:46:57 All right? So I don't expect... And maybe I'm, I'm being... Maybe this is s- semantics, but I don't expect. I simply set the standard of what I desire, and you either meet the standard or you don't. You see what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 1:47:09 So how's that [laughs] ... So how does that look?

Stephan Speaks 1:47:11 And so if you, if you meet the standard, I appreciate your efforts. So-

Lewis Howes 1:47:14 So what... how would that, that conversation look like?

Stephan Speaks 1:47:17 It's just simply expressing what we need. Like, I'm a believer in we gotta learn to get things on the table quickly. So what... I'm gonna ask that person, "What do you need in the relationship? What's gonna make you happy? What are you hoping to receive from me?" All right? And granted, again, it could be semantics. Maybe we could call that still expectations, right?

Lewis Howes 1:47:38 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:38 But to me it's about the mindset of it.

Lewis Howes 1:47:40 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:40 All right? When it's, when it's viewed as an expectation, it's, "Well, you're supposed to do this." And when you're supposed to do this, why would I appreciate what you're supposed to do? Why would I give you credit for what you're supposed to do?

Lewis Howes 1:47:51 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:51 I will not. But when it's something that I, I desire and you're willing to fulfill that, I can appreciate that.

Lewis Howes 1:47:58 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:47:58 I gave you my needs and you met them. You see? So the mindset is different, and that's why I don't like to look at it as expectations and don't think anyone should. It's just, "This is what I need, and I'm gonna ask you, what do you need from me? And if y- as I'm willing to fulfill your des- if those desires I am willing to fulfill, then you will have that. But I still expect appreciation in return. And when you don't show me you appreciate it, that's a problem."

Lewis Howes 1:48:23 And what happens if you... if someone says, "Well, here's all my desires. I want this, this, this, this, and this," and the list goes on and on and on, and you can't fulfill those desires?

Stephan Speaks 1:48:31 We're not a good match. We're not a good fit. We have to accept that early on. There's no reason to, to, uh, move forward. Perfect example. I, I'm, I'm someone who doesn't mind paying but I don't like planning, okay? So I'm not a planner. [laughs] I don't plan my own events. I, I don't plan a lot of things. So planning trips, I'm not saying I could never, would never do it, but I'm not a planner. But I'll pay. So if I met a woman, she wants to go somewhere, "Hey, take, plan it. Schedule it. Here's my card."

Lewis Howes 1:49:00 Book the flights, do everything.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:02 Exactly. All the details. Boom.

Lewis Howes 1:49:04 I'll pay for it.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:04 Done. Now, if a woman says to me, "Listen, I don't like that. You need to plan the trips," we're not a good fit. I'm sorry. 'Cause I, I know that's not something that I'm okay with, that I'm, I... that I excel in. None of that. And, and it may seem small. And that's the thing. People have to stop trying to minimize-

Lewis Howes 1:49:21 Mm

Stephan Speaks 1:49:22 ... certain issues or certain things that we don't like or that don't connect with us. I know I'm not a planner, and there's nothing wrong with that. I... That's why I get other people to do that aspect and I take care of the rest. I'm a doer. I can do things, but I don't plan. So if we can't embrace those differences, why are we forcing the issue? And the reality is that there's a woman who would love nothing but to plan if I were to take care of it. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:49:47 All day long. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:47 So why do I need to fight with you about this?

Lewis Howes 1:49:50 What if-

Stephan Speaks 1:49:50 It makes no sense

Lewis Howes 1:49:51 ... what if, what if 90% of everything else you can meet and agree on, but 10% is like, "Ugh- I don't like these things.

Stephan Speaks 1:49:58 That 10% can become a huge deal that dominoes into other issues.

Lewis Howes 1:50:03 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:50:03 So let's, let's use a different example. Uh, I'm introverted, they're introverted. I prefer balance. I like... I think balance should be the main focus of a relationship. We don't want to have too much of one thing, so to speak, a lot of the time. Depending on what it is. So if we're both introverted, I know for me, that's not a good thing in the long run. Can I deal with that for... And that's the other thing. It's not about what you can deal with today or next year. Can you deal with it five years from now? 10 years from now?

Lewis Howes 1:50:32 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:50:32 That's the question you have to ask yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:50:34 Oh, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:50:34 'Cause again, the goal should not be a temporary relationship. My goal is longterm, all right? I know that both of us being too introverted is going to be a, a, a way down on the relationship in years later.

Lewis Howes 1:50:48 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:50:48 All right? So I'm not gonna do that. All right? I, I, we... I know from the jump I need some balance there. So that may seem like, "Well, that's not a big deal. It's only 10%." But that's a huge 10% if you know you can't deal with it.

Lewis Howes 1:51:01 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 1:51:02 If, if... Let's say something sexual. Let's say there's a sexual act that you like. Let, let's just be real. Let's say it's oral sex. All right? And let's say as the woman you love oral sex. Or the man. And your partner's like, "Hell no. No oral sex. Not happening." But everything about them is amazing. If you know this is a desire strong enough that will make you either become irritated with your partner or seek to get that desire fulfilled elsewhere-

Lewis Howes 1:51:30 Hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:51:31 ... it's a deal breaker. Why force it? It may seem small, but it's, it's small enough to become... But it's... Or it's big enough to become a bigger issue later.

Lewis Howes 1:51:41 What about in some religious instances that might say, "You know what? Just suppress those desires. Like, those aren't desires that need to be fulfilled. Like, focus on these things. Focus on, you know, the connection and other stuff. But don't focus on those desires. Suppress them. They're not healthy. They're not good for you. They're addictive personalities."

Stephan Speaks 1:52:01 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:52:01 What would you say to something like that?

Stephan Speaks 1:52:03 I would say, number one, do not suppress. You need to resolve, all right? And you need to resolve before you move forward.

Lewis Howes 1:52:09 What does that mean, resolve?

Stephan Speaks 1:52:10 Resolve. Okay. So let's say for example you're a man and you love watching porn. All right? And, uh, like you said, religiously they're saying, "Don't do it." And even your partner says, "I don't like you watching all this porn."

Lewis Howes 1:52:22 Yes.

Stephan Speaks 1:52:22 All right? If you now get with her trying to suppress but you have not resolved your desire for porn, it's gonna come back to haunt you. And when it does, it's gonna hit even harder.

Lewis Howes 1:52:34 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:52:34 It's gonna cause a bigger problem. So what you need to do is tackle that issue first. Resolve it. F- get to the root of it. Why do I need to watch this porn? Which let me just say, I think men should not watch it. It's poison. But that's a whole other [laughs] discussion, all right? And w- you know, I definitely think it'd be beneficial for people to at least minimize it.

Lewis Howes 1:52:56 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:52:56 All right? But I know there's a lot of different perspectives on that. That's just my personal opinion. But anyways, um, it would be best to resolve and address that first, all right? And then you can walk into your marriage or relationship with that not being an issue. Because let me also say this. The mistake a lot of people make is they think, "I'll fix this when I meet the right one."

Lewis Howes 1:53:18 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:18 No you won't. You'll develop a habit, and you will bring that habit into your marriage.

Lewis Howes 1:53:23 Yeah, and addiction... A lot of addiction is unresolved healing.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:26 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:53:27 It's, you're addicted to something because there's a pain that you haven't resolved yet.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:30 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:53:30 You haven't healed. Which is go back to healing. Which might resolve that addiction or habit that may not be as healthy-

Stephan Speaks 1:53:38 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:53:39 ... as you need it to be.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:39 Or, like, let's say you watch porn whenever you get stressed. So porn has become your stress reliever.

Lewis Howes 1:53:45 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:45 So it's not you're, uh, not capable of not watching porn. You have to learn how to now use a different method of-

Lewis Howes 1:53:52 Mm-hmm

Stephan Speaks 1:53:52 ... relieving your stress.

Lewis Howes 1:53:54 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:53:54 You have to now understa- you have to break your attachment to this thing. That's the thing. A lot of times we're just attached. Hell, it could be as simple as coffee. At one point, I was attached to coffee. I could not stop drinking it.

Lewis Howes 1:54:05 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:06 And I thought I can't go without coffee. Now I don't drink coffee anymore. Because I recognize the, the, the downfalls it had, and I don't want to be attached to anything like that.

Lewis Howes 1:54:16 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:16 Anything that can have that much power over you is a problem. So it ha- for me, it was a personal decision to resolve. Wasn't a relationship issue or anything like that. But the point is, we, we sometimes look at these things and try to validate it as-

Lewis Howes 1:54:28 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:54:28 ... "Well, it's just coffee. It's just porn. It's no big deal." But it can become a big deal-

Lewis Howes 1:54:34 Right

Stephan Speaks 1:54:34 ... in various ways.

Lewis Howes 1:54:36 So here's a question that a lot of women might ask you. Stephan, you're not in a relationship.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:43 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:54:44 This all sounds great in theory.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:46 Uh-huh.

Lewis Howes 1:54:47 This all sounds great when there's no stress and you're not-

Stephan Speaks 1:54:49 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:54:50 ... you're not, you don't feel love and connection and years of in a relationship and children and sharing money together and the messiness of a relationship.

Stephan Speaks 1:54:58 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:54:59 It's nice for you to say these things from the sidelines in peace and calm and, you know, analyzing this. Why should we trust and respect your opinion when you're not in a, a longterm committed relationship?

Stephan Speaks 1:55:14 Okay.

Lewis Howes 1:55:14 What i- for the women leaving comments like that, how would you respond?

Stephan Speaks 1:55:18 So number one, being in a relationship does not determine the wisdom or knowledge of relationships. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:55:25 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:55:25 'Cause if it did, then more people who are in one could give you wise counsel, and they cannot.

Lewis Howes 1:55:29 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:55:29 All right? So-

Lewis Howes 1:55:30 It's kind of, it's kind of like great basketball, football coaches. A lot of them weren't great players. You know? [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:55:36 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:55:36 It's like they can coach, but they weren't a player.

Stephan Speaks 1:55:39 Exactly. Because we have to understand it at the, at the foundation of relationships is understanding men and women and how the two can coexist in a romantic, committed, longterm environment. All right? So you have to understand people first. A lot of people don't know how to make a relationship work 'cause they don't understand people. They don't understand men, women, or they don't understand their woman and their man, all right? So we'll start there. Number two- Um, I, I don't, I don't require or expect anyone to listen to me. I always tell people, "Pray about it."

Lewis Howes 1:56:13 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:13 "Trust your intuition. If this resonates with you, take it. Or take what resonates and leave what doesn't."

Lewis Howes 1:56:19 Mm-hmm. Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:20 I have to speak the truth that needs to be spoken. I have to walk in what I know is my purpose. All right? Whether you connect with that or see that, that's on you. I'm not here to convince anyone. All right? I will say that I don't think I could have gotten this far unless what I was saying had truth to it. You know? I don't think I could be this successful without being able to have helped, or the fact that I have helped so many people is why I've gotten to this point.

Lewis Howes 1:56:44 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:45 But I think for the individual, also understanding that I'm practicing what I preach, whether you realize it or not. Because I'm-

Lewis Howes 1:56:51 You're not in, you're not in an unhealthy relationship.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:53 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:56:54 You're waiting.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:55 I'm waiting.

Lewis Howes 1:56:55 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:56:56 And I'm waiting for the connection. I'm waiting to make sure that it's going to be in alignment with my purpose. I'm making sure that I'm preparing along the way. I'm still learning, growing, getting better. I'm doing the things I tell everybody else to do. So I'm not, I'm not going against my message. It's just that we have to understand, relationship isn't, oh, well, you, you, you have a certain amount of knowledge, relationship tomorrow. I can have it tomorrow. I can have it tonight if I want it.

Lewis Howes 1:57:22 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:22 But the point is not to just get in a relationship, it's to be in the right one.

Lewis Howes 1:57:26 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:26 And for me, more importantly, the one that God wants me to be in. And that requires patience, process.

Lewis Howes 1:57:32 [exhales]

Stephan Speaks 1:57:34 You know what I'm saying? A- a- a- and, and just a willingness to sacrifice in the meantime. You know? It ain't easy, but you gotta do it if you want what's best. And, and the reality is that that's, that's how it goes in, in most, uh, aspects of life when you wanna be successful.

Lewis Howes 1:57:48 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:48 There's a patience, there's a process, you know, and there's a sacrifice.

Lewis Howes 1:57:52 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:52 If it's you getting in shape, your body doesn't become what you want it to be tomorrow.

Lewis Howes 1:57:56 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:57:57 Trust me, I know. I've been at it for a while. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:57:59 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:57:59 Okay? I'm still working. If you wanna be successful, there... Most successful per- people have a period of struggle. All right? People just don't see the struggle.

Lewis Howes 1:58:09 Mm. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:09 All right? But those individuals who think you just ju- because you're this person, you're supposed to have a relationship, you're supposed to have suc-... No. There's work that is required.

Lewis Howes 1:58:17 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:18 So to me, you know, I, I believe that I'm, I'm practicing what I preach, I'm consistent with my message, you know? It's just that yeah, the, the... It hasn't materialized into a relationship yet. And at the... And the last point I'll make is this.

Lewis Howes 1:58:31 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:31 I do feel that I'm held to a higher standard.

Lewis Howes 1:58:34 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:35 Reason being is because if I'm going to be a speaker in this area, I cannot come with some half- [censored] relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:58:41 No.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:42 I cannot come with something that does not represent the message, that does not glorify God, that does not inspire people. All right? I do not wanna be another relationship that makes you feel like there are no good relationships.

Lewis Howes 1:58:56 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 1:58:56 Or, "Oh, this is phony." I want this to be not just real and genuine in me saying it, I want you to feel the energy and spirit of my relationship when I'm in it. So, that kind of standard is gonna require a lot more work to get.

Lewis Howes 1:59:10 Right.

Stephan Speaks 1:59:10 Because I always say most relationships start because people overlook the red flags. I can't overlook a red flag. So it's gonna take a longer-

Lewis Howes 1:59:19 That means you're gonna be a lot more picky and choosier.

Stephan Speaks 1:59:20 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:59:20 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:59:21 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:59:21 It's gonna... Wow. I've got a couple final questions for you. This has been powerful. But I want people to get, uh, one of your most popular books, Love After Heartbreak. They can get it at where? Where can they go to get that book?

Stephan Speaks 1:59:33 Uh, stephanspeaksshop.com, or they can go on Amazon, iTunes, and it will soon be available on Audible as well.

Lewis Howes 1:59:40 Ooh, you're gonna read it?

Stephan Speaks 1:59:40 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:59:41 Ooh, all right. Stephanspeaksshop.com. Love After Heartbreak. You've got a bunch of books.

Stephan Speaks 1:59:46 Yeah, I got a lot of books.

Lewis Howes 1:59:47 A lot of books about relationships, on different stages of relationships that you're in.

Stephan Speaks 1:59:50 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:59:50 So whatever you're going through, go to stephanspeaksshop.com. Check out that book if you, uh, have gone through a heartache, heartbreak. You're, you're single trying to find the next person.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:01 Mm-hmm. Or even if you don't think you have anything to heal from, go read it because you probably still do have something to heal from.

Lewis Howes 2:00:06 Mm. Yeah, that's true. And this one's all about how to heal. You talk more about-

Stephan Speaks 2:00:09 Yes

Lewis Howes 2:00:09 ... the, the process of healing, the steps-

Stephan Speaks 2:00:11 Exactly

Lewis Howes 2:00:12 ... you go into that.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:12 And healing from anything, not just relationship hurt. Parents, anything from our childhood, family members, friends. Any kind of hurt.

Lewis Howes 2:00:20 Yes. Make sure you guys go check that out. Also, you're on YouTube. Stephan Speaks on YouTube.

Stephan Speaks 2:00:26 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:00:26 Awesome YouTube channel. Facebook, s- got a massive Instagram, massive channel on all these places. Check you out over there. Um,

Lewis Howes 2:00:35 three final questions. One is, what are a few ways to know that your partner truly loves you?

Stephan Speaks 2:00:43 Hmm. All right. So [laughs] way number one is to evaluate if you truly love them.

Lewis Howes 2:00:50 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 2:00:51 Because I f- I find that people are so busy trying to analyze the other person and not looking at themselves in the mirror. And so, if you are not truly in love with your partner, they're not truly in love with you. True love is a two-way experience, not one-way. So if you know, for example, you're only with him because he treats you better than the rest but you're not... No, it's not really there. All right? Then trust and believe he's not in love with you.

Lewis Howes 2:01:19 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 2:01:20 All right? Same way if you're a man and you're only with her because she, the family likes her, she's a, she's beautiful, she's all these great things, but it's not really there. Then she's not in love with you. It, it, it doesn't work that way. So if you want to figure out there's real love, figure out that real love exists within you first.

Lewis Howes 2:01:38 If you love that person first.

Stephan Speaks 2:01:39 Exactly. And then you... And, and, and when you can say your love is real, then yes, I do believe that you will then be able to discover that their love is real as well. But understand this: love can be real, but again, a lack of healing and fear can get in the way.

Lewis Howes 2:01:56 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 2:01:56 And so there are people who truly loved you and ran from you.

Lewis Howes 2:02:00 Love is not enough.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:02 Love is not enough.

Lewis Howes 2:02:03 That is something where a lot of people say love is all you need.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:07 Mm.

Lewis Howes 2:02:07 Love is not all you need You need someone who's not gonna scream at you.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:11 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:02:12 You need someone who is going to work on their themselves and heal.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:15 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 2:02:15 You need someone who's willing to, uh, both meet each other's needs. Like, a lot of things need to happen for it to be enough.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:22 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:02:23 'Cause love is not enough. Is that right?

Stephan Speaks 2:02:25 Yes.

Lewis Howes 2:02:26 So you gotta ask yourself if your love is real for that person first to know if they truly love you.

Stephan Speaks 2:02:32 Yes.

Lewis Howes 2:02:33 What else would you say there?

Stephan Speaks 2:02:34 Second thing is, are they willing to embrace all your needs and desires? Um, and I, and I think needs, of course, come first. Um, and then desires are second, you know? But I do think that when we really love each other, we're willing to embrace those things. And again, that's why it's important to understand it's a two-way thing. Because why are you worrying about them being willing to embrace your needs and desires if you're not doing that for them? You have to start with you. So you have to start with, "Okay, am I willing to meet all of their needs and desires? I can check that box. Okay, now what are they doing for me?" And if they cannot check their box, now we say, "This isn't gonna work."

Lewis Howes 2:03:15 Okay.

Stephan Speaks 2:03:16 All right? But you've gotta look at yourself first because too many people are saying, "Well, they won't do this, they won't do that." But yeah, but there's things you aren't doing for them.

Lewis Howes 2:03:22 Right.

Stephan Speaks 2:03:23 And that's not right.

Lewis Howes 2:03:24 Right, and you might not be the right match. It doesn't mean you're bad or wrong.

Stephan Speaks 2:03:27 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 2:03:28 Just not, just not a good fit for each other.

Stephan Speaks 2:03:29 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 2:03:30 Okay, third thing.

Stephan Speaks 2:03:32 A third thing to tell if they really love, if this person really loves you, is they can be open and vulnerable with you.

Lewis Howes 2:03:37 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:03:38 I think at the end of the day, anyone who's truly in love with someone is at least willing to try to be more open and vulnerable, all right? Or at least has moments. And that's the thing, I think that that's the difference between the healed lover and the unhealed lover. The healed lover can be consistent in their vulnerability and their openness. The unhealed lover has these moments of vulnerability, but then they keep pulling back.

Lewis Howes 2:04:03 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 2:04:03 All right? Because it's like the moment scared them. It's like, "How the hell did I get here? How did they get me to be so o- no, this is, I c- I'm not comfortable here. Let me retreat." You see? So it, it's this back and forth push and pull that happens a lot of times with the unhealed person, who can love you, but they're so scared and it, that throws everything off.

Lewis Howes 2:04:22 Absolutely. Lot to unpack here. Um, so many good notes that I've got taken.

Stephan Speaks 2:04:29 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:04:30 Feel free to put your biggest takeaway in the comments below over on YouTube. Uh, make sure to follow Stephan. Uh, I got two final questions for you. Before I ask the final two questions, I wanna acknowledge you, my man, for always showing up. I lo- I think I've had you on, what, three or four times now?

Stephan Speaks 2:04:47 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:04:47 Every time, uh, every time there's always something new and there's always something that is reminded, because I feel like we constantly need reminders. Even when we learn something one time-

Stephan Speaks 2:04:56 Yeah

Lewis Howes 2:04:57 ... we need accountability and repetition of this thing for many, many years for the rest of our life. Fitness, nutrition, spirituality, love, connection, business. We need accountability and reminders.

Stephan Speaks 2:05:09 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 2:05:09 So I appreciate you for showing up constantly as a reminder for all of us listening and watching.

Stephan Speaks 2:05:15 My pleasure.

Lewis Howes 2:05:15 I appreciate you for constantly diving in and doing the healing work. I know you gotta write the letter.

Stephan Speaks 2:05:19 [laughs] Yeah.

Lewis Howes 2:05:21 And, and being what you talk about.

Stephan Speaks 2:05:23 Yeah, absolutely.

Lewis Howes 2:05:23 You know, showing up as what you're coaching other people. So I acknowledge you for all that, my man. I appreciate you. Uh, this is called the three truths. You've answered this before. If people wanna hear this question, they can go back and listen to the other version that you shared, so I won't share what you've said before. But if you had to share three final things on the last day of your life-

Stephan Speaks 2:05:42 Hmm

Lewis Howes 2:05:42 ... and this is all people would have to remember your lessons by. The three lessons you would leave the world, and all of your content would have to go with you besides these three things. I call it the three truths.

Stephan Speaks 2:05:55 Okay.

Lewis Howes 2:05:55 What would be your three truths that you would leave behind?

Stephan Speaks 2:05:58 All right. Truth number one would be heal. And under that healing umbrella would be don't take things personally. You know, don't internalize people's actions. Always embrace forgiveness. Um, because again, that healing has, has thrown people's lives off in so many ways. There are so many people who did not live the life they deserved, who were not able to be in the relationship that they deserved, who did not even walk in the purpose or career that was for them.

Lewis Howes 2:06:25 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:06:25 All because of a lack of healing.

Lewis Howes 2:06:27 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:06:27 And so it, and some people, unfortunately, go to the grave with that lack of healing. And so it's, it's such a huge part of life, and so healing has to always be, you know, the first truth I would share.

Lewis Howes 2:06:38 Heal.

Stephan Speaks 2:06:39 Heal. The second thing would be find yourself and your purpose as early as possible. And I say as early as possible because I think that society has created this, this mindset of, "You're young, you have time. You, you'll figure it out later." You know? And later becomes later, and even later, and then later. And then what happens is you dig yourself this deep hole w- of where you don't belong, that it becomes hard to pull yourself out.

Lewis Howes 2:07:08 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:07:09 All right? So if it's career, you may have spent the last 10 years trying to be a doctor, but your life's calling was to be a teacher.

Lewis Howes 2:07:16 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:07:17 And now it's so hard to walk away from the degree, from the, from all that you poured into being a doctor to now become a teacher. And that alone has derailed your life-

Lewis Howes 2:07:26 Wow

Stephan Speaks 2:07:26 ... and taken you off of your true path. So the quicker that we can find ourselves and our purpose and embrace that, the better life we can live, the more we can walk on the path that is for us. And to me, everything else falls into place from there.

Lewis Howes 2:07:40 Sure.

Stephan Speaks 2:07:40 You see what I'm saying? Peace, happiness, love comes when we find ourselves and when we find our purpose.

Lewis Howes 2:07:45 All right. Number three.

Stephan Speaks 2:07:47 Number three. I'm drawing a blank, but I'm gonna give you a number three. Number three. So we said healing, we said find yourself, find your purpose.

Lewis Howes 2:07:56 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:07:59 I gu- I guess I would just say love without holding back.

Lewis Howes 2:08:02 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 2:08:04 You know? I think that holding back in life is no way to live, you know? And, and fighting vulnerability. Like, we gotta learn how- To dive into vulnerability. And it doesn't mean no one's ever gonna hurt us. But we take it for what it is. Because l- hurt is an inevitable part of life.

Lewis Howes 2:08:23 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:08:23 We cannot escape that. And, and the crazy part is you fight so hard to escape it, you dive deeper into it-

Lewis Howes 2:08:31 Wow

Stephan Speaks 2:08:31 ... from a different angle.

Lewis Howes 2:08:32 It's true.

Stephan Speaks 2:08:32 All right? So you're, you're going against a force you can't escape. So instead of being able to enjoy your life in the process, you have to still deal with being hurt, and you don't get to enjoy your life.

Lewis Howes 2:08:45 [laughs] Right.

Stephan Speaks 2:08:46 You know? It's almost like would you rather have a million dollars but you're gonna go broke in a year, or to just stay broke for the next 10 years and never have a chance at a million dollars? Just give me the million for the year.

Lewis Howes 2:08:58 Right, right.

Stephan Speaks 2:08:58 At least let me experience it. Let me have my, that full experience in life.

Lewis Howes 2:09:02 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:09:02 So I think with love, love to your fullest. E- love your family to your fullest.

Lewis Howes 2:09:07 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:09:07 Love your partner to your fullest. Just give your whole heart. And again, don't, don't try to stop it from being hurt. Learn how to handle the hurt that will come our way. Learn how to learn from these experiences. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Have your safeguard because I guess there's some instances that could really, like, throw everything off.

Lewis Howes 2:09:28 Sure.

Stephan Speaks 2:09:28 But it, you can be safe and still be vulnerable. And still give with your whole heart.

Lewis Howes 2:09:34 Absolutely.

Stephan Speaks 2:09:35 So I think that would be the third thing. 'Cause again, so many people are just not experiencing love and relationships and life at its fullest because they keep holding back so much.

Lewis Howes 2:09:44 Beautiful truths. If you want to see what he shared in the previous episode, make sure to check it out. We'll link on that one below of his previous three truths. I think they might surprise you.

Stephan Speaks 2:09:53 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:09:53 Uh, final question. What's your definition of greatness?

Stephan Speaks 2:09:58 Living life to your fullest. Like, really just... And I, and I'm going to lie, that's preaching to myself because even I've had to work on living life to my fullest. Really embracing me. I, let me share this real quick, and I think it might be important for some men to hear this. So I, I, especially if you're a believer, I kind of had struggles where there's this part of me that I've kind of suppressed the more, I don't want to say just masculine, but it kind of is, the more assertive, maybe even aggressive in some certain cases, the competitive side of me. Like, I was having a struggle the other week... not other week, I've been having struggle this year, where I always want more.

Lewis Howes 2:10:38 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 2:10:39 And I'm like, and I had to question, like, "What's wrong with me? Why do I want more? I'm successful. I'm doing well. What, why do I have to push for higher?" But I had to come to terms with the fact that that's how I'm wired.

Lewis Howes 2:10:51 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 2:10:51 And I can't suppress that. I love competition. I love a challenge. I, I'm the guy that doesn't believe in retiring. I'm gonna always work for the rest of my life. I gotta do something. 'Cause to me, that's living life.

Lewis Howes 2:11:03 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 2:11:03 You know? And so it, it's not for the men hearing this to, to think that they have to be like me, but be who you are. Be- tap into your true self. Let it out. Don't let society tell you that you can't be the man that you are. 'Cause I do think that we're living in a world right now that is trying to undermine a lot of men, that are trying to take masculinity off the table. And it's like, yo, it, that's who you are, be it. And I do believe that tapping into that, the same way I believe for women tapping into their femininity, is going to bring a higher quality of life.

Lewis Howes 2:11:34 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 2:11:35 Is gonna bring happiness. So to go back to the question of what is greatness, is living life to the fullest and living to, in your true self. There's nothing better than finding yourself, being it, and not giving a damn what anyone thinks.

Lewis Howes 2:11:48 My man.

Stephan Speaks 2:11:49 You know what I'm saying? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:11:50 Stephan Speaks.

Speaker 2:11:51 We start to say, "Oh man, you know what? I'm gonna be all right. I'm, I'm, I'm gonna be okay." And so often we don't do that. We're looking for other people to do the work for us that we're not doing ourselves.

Stephan Speaks 2:12:03 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:12:03 That's why there's always this imbalance. That's why we can never really find contentment. Why? Because it starts here