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Lewis HowesLewis Howes

BUILD The PERFECT RELATIONSHIP With These SECRETS...| Stephan Speaks & Lewis Howes

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Stephan SpeaksguestLewis Howeshost
Dec 10, 20181h 24mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

  1. 0:00 – 2:47

    Why Healing Comes Before Healthy Relationships

    1. SS

      Relationships-

    2. LH

      Right

    3. SS

      ... is the backbone of society. When we allow that to be as dysfunctional as it is right now, that's the reason why we have all these problems.

    4. LH

      Yeah.

    5. SS

      We fix that, man, this world becomes 100 times better place to live.

    6. LH

      Yeah.

    7. SS

      Easily. [upbeat music]

    8. LH

      Welcome back. In one of the School of Greatness podcasts we have Stephan Labossiere in the house.

    9. SS

      Thank you very much.

    10. LH

      Good to see you, my man.

    11. SS

      Appreciate it, man.

    12. LH

      I'm glad you're here. Uh, you, you learned about me a few years ago you said-

    13. SS

      Yeah. [laughs]

    14. LH

      ... from my website. And, uh, I learned about you, I think, in the last year from your incredible message that you have online, which is all about relationships.

    15. SS

      Mm.

    16. LH

      And you speak to men and women, young and old, but I feel like the essence is around women as well. Like, a lot of your message-

    17. SS

      Absolutely

    18. LH

      ... is helping women understand how to find the right life partner, how to find, uh, how to get married, how to know what's right for you. And you talk a lot about healing.

    19. SS

      Yes.

    20. LH

      Now why is healing, in your mind, so important in terms of building strong relationships?

    21. SS

      It's important because it's, it's the number one thing holding people back from having healthier relationships. It's the, the issue that so many people are facing, but they sweep under the rug. We've all been through stuff. We've all been damaged. We've all been disappointed and hurt.

    22. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    23. SS

      But we have not properly processed those things. And then we take those negative experiences and we project them onto people, we project them onto our future, we project them onto our self-esteem and self-worth, and we throw everything out of whack. And now we can't even embrace or set ourselves up for that great relationship, 'cause we're still holding onto the bad one that we experienced before. So it, it completely gets in the way of people seeing progress in their lives.

    24. LH

      Mm.

    25. SS

      So to me it's like, okay, we can give you all these tools and tips on how to date and, and how to navigate through this relationship world.

    26. LH

      Yeah. Online dating stuff and this.

    27. SS

      Exactly. And it's all useful, but if you don't heal, you're gonna end up in a bad spot. There's no way around that. It's inevitable. And people who think they can ignore a lack of healing and still have a great relationship are being naive.

    28. LH

      Mm. Mm. Yeah, it sounds like if you don't heal, you're gonna keep hurting yourself and, and hurting the person you're in a relationship with.

    29. SS

      Yes. And, and, or hurting people that you could have been in a relationship with.

    30. LH

      Mm.

  2. 2:47 – 6:18

    Lewis's Story: Sabotage and Running From Deep Feelings

    1. LH

      That's interesting. You know, I... Many years ago I was dating someone, um, and it was like, you know, we were very connected very quickly. I felt like, wow, there's something different about this person. And after months she started sabotaging things. Like, we would be having-

    2. SS

      [laughs]

    3. LH

      ... like the most incredible nights. Like, everything was going great, and then all of a sudden she would just get mad at me out, over nothing.

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    5. LH

      Right? What seemed like nothing. I was like, "What? What did I say or didn't say?" Like, "Well, I thought we were having fun here."

    6. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    7. LH

      And then the whole night and the next 24 hours would be ruined because she would be upset about something but wouldn't tell me. And I was like, "What is going on?" Many, it, she was not the right fit for me i- in the long run, and we broke up eventually. But at one point she said to me, she goes, "I didn't think I'd find you. Like, I didn't think I'd find you now at this age of my life."

    8. SS

      Mm. Mm.

    9. LH

      "I thought I'd find you, like, in my 30s." She was like in her young 20s. Right?

    10. SS

      Okay.

    11. LH

      She was like, "I thought I'd, like, have my fun in my 20s and then the version of you, the idea of you would come at, like, 30 or something" when-

    12. SS

      Mm

    13. LH

      ... when she was ready. And she was holding onto so much baggage and, like, hurt from previous relationships, but she wasn't healing from it at the time.

    14. SS

      Exactly.

    15. LH

      She was just kind of like sabotaging and, like, pushing away, like, the vulnerability that we were creating.

    16. SS

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    17. LH

      Like, we, we were having so much connection and vulnerability, but she was just like, "Ah, I'm scared," you know?

    18. SS

      Exactly. It's crazy.

    19. LH

      It, it, 'cause she's, she lost emotional control with you.

    20. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    21. LH

      And that's a scary place to be in. And so the only thing she can do at that point is look for something to be wrong to validate walking away. Because if she can't find something wrong, how can she say, "I can't do this. I don't wanna be here anymore"? So now starts to nitpick, create issues.

    22. SS

      Oh, my God.

    23. LH

      But it all stems from, yes, she has not healed. And I would argue that the v- the vast majority of people are married to someone they don't even have the deepest feelings for.

    24. SS

      Really?

    25. LH

      Yes.

    26. SS

      How... What's the percentage, you think?

    27. LH

      Uh.

    28. SS

      In your mind.

    29. LH

      If I had to throw out a number, I'm gonna say 60%.

    30. SS

      Oh, that's okay. Yeah, it's okay.

  3. 6:18 – 10:15

    Who Runs and Who Messes Up Relationships More

    1. LH

      who do you think runs away more from vulnerability in, in a, on a relationship that has the potential to be great, men or women?

    2. SS

      People are gonna be shocked, but women.

    3. LH

      Why?

    4. SS

      Hands down.

    5. LH

      Why is that?

    6. SS

      Okay. One, I, I think that because women are more emotionally in tune, and they, they give more emotionally, so become a lot more emotionally invested in situations, it's quicker for themselves to feel like they're losing themselves when they feel this amazing connection with somebody. Because again-

    7. LH

      Oh

    8. SS

      ... it pulls you into an area that you're not used to being in.

    9. LH

      They lose control.

    10. SS

      Yes. Because it's like, if you're with a guy that you really like, all right? And you're really into him, but he doesn't call you today, it'll bother you, but it's not gonna drive you crazy like the guy who you're madly into.

    11. LH

      Wow.

    12. SS

      All right? When he doesn't call, you might be thinking, "Oh my gosh, what is he doing? What's happening? Am I good enough?" Women will start to question, analyze everything. That will drive them insane. Also-

    13. LH

      [laughs]

    14. SS

      [laughs] The reality is that women are hearing so much from other women or from what they've only experienced, good men don't exist. There are no good men here. This, this fa- this is a fairy tale to believe you can meet this guy who's so great and so amazing. So when they meet that guy, it's something has to be wrong.

    15. LH

      Mm.

    16. SS

      I can't-

    17. LH

      It's too good to be true.

    18. SS

      Exactly. I cannot believe this is what it is.

    19. LH

      Let me check his, like, background record.

    20. SS

      [laughs]

    21. LH

      Let me... He went to jail. Like-

    22. SS

      He must have secret kids somewhere.

    23. LH

      Yeah, exactly.

    24. SS

      Something is going on. On the flip side, when men come across that situation, they think, "Oh my gosh, I've hit the jackpot. Like, I've found the woman who separates herself from everyone else." They latch onto it. The problem though with men is we don't typically handle those situations well in regards to, one, how that woman is reacting. So if she's feeling insecure or she's feeling uneasy, we get frustrated because it's almost like, well, we had this amazing connection. I'm doing my best to love you. Why are you acting like this? So now we may react in a way that fuels-

    25. LH

      Mm

    26. SS

      ... her fear.

    27. LH

      That fear, yeah.

    28. SS

      Exactly. It creates more problems. So we do contribute to the issue, but we're not quicker to run away. We're quicker to latch on and say, "Oh my gosh, I want this. This is an opportunity I can't let pass me by."

    29. LH

      Wow.

    30. SS

      Where she's thinking, "This is not a real... This, this can't be true. I, I'm fooling myself. Let me run now before I get hurt even worse later."

  4. 10:15 – 13:26

    How Stephan Developed His Relationship Insight

    1. LH

      And, and when did you start to learn about relationships so well? Because right now you're not married, you're not in a relationship.

    2. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. LH

      So what gives you this, uh, experience of relationship expertise and understanding?

    4. SS

      So it's a combination of things. One, it was ever since I was a kid, people came to me and told me their life story.

    5. LH

      Really?

    6. SS

      Yes. I remember being 13, I would meet... I met a woman for the first time at a party. At the party she's telling me how she's been raped, how all these horrific things have happened to her that she's never told anyone else. And I could see this was a one-time thing, but this was a reoccurring-

    7. LH

      Wow

    8. SS

      ... theme. People, I could be... I remember at the bus stop one time, someone sitting next to me and then opening up, and I never understood why, but what that did was it allowed me to see into people's lives more than the average person does, therefore gain a better, more clear understanding-

    9. LH

      Mm

    10. SS

      ... of what's really going on.

    11. LH

      Right.

    12. SS

      But what really I think bust the doors wide open was when I went abstinent. Because I feel like as men, when we still have sex on the brain and sex as the focus, we don't see straight.

    13. LH

      Mm.

    14. SS

      All right? And we don't process things properly.

    15. LH

      Were you in a relationship at the time, you mean, or?

    16. SS

      No, I was single.

    17. LH

      Okay. Yeah.

    18. SS

      And, uh, you know, I felt God was telling me I need to step away from women and just be abstinent. And this also coincidentally was when the business really, uh, took a, another step and went-

    19. LH

      Wow

    20. SS

      ... to a higher level. And so it allowed me to refocus.

    21. LH

      Huh.

    22. SS

      But in not just refocusing purpose and business-wise, I was able to really see things for what they were. I was able to step away from situations and really evaluate, understand. Because so much is happening, and so much- It's not that we don't know, but sometimes we don't know how to articulate it. We don't know how to process and break it down. Now that I do believe is a natural gift that I've been given. I just know how to express things in a way-

    23. LH

      Sure

    24. SS

      ... that people can understand it, and I know how to process things and see beyond what you're showing me. Because a lot of people will act like, "I'm happy. I'm good. Nothing wrong with me," and I can see right through that.

    25. LH

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    26. SS

      All right? So that combination of natural gift, uh, letting God lead me as far as my purpose is concerned, but I do think that being abstinent and really taking my selfish desires out of it.

    27. LH

      Mm. Wow. When did this happen? How old were you?

    28. SS

      This was... I was, what, 27?

    29. LH

      You've been abstinent since 27?

    30. SS

      There's been some on and offs. [laughs]

  5. 13:26 – 14:50

    Don't Internalize: Pray Before You React

    1. LH

      What's the greatest lesson you learned in a, a partnership or intimate relationship of yours that you've had?

    2. SS

      Don't internalize things personally. And what I mean is a lot of times we react to what they're doing or how they're talking to us or their behavior towards us in that moment, not realizing it's deeper than us in that moment.

    3. LH

      It's not about us. It's about them.

    4. SS

      Exactly.

    5. LH

      Yeah.

    6. SS

      And if we internalize it, and we react to that, we will now make things worse.

    7. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SS

      And we will pile on more negative energy into the situation, and it starts to make things harder to overcome, or it can just break apart the whole relationship.

    9. LH

      Yeah.

    10. SS

      So learning to kind of take a step back and really, again, hearing them, not, not just listening to what they're saying, or not just hearing them, more so listening as far as listen to the key words. Listen to what's really going on with them. Take your own emotions out of it. Don't react emotionally to things. And I think that's a lesson for not just romantic relationships. That's for any relationship.

    11. LH

      Yeah.

    12. SS

      Business, family, whatever. Don't be so quick to react emotionally. Allow yourself to process. I always tell people, you know, how they say, they say think before you speak? Pray before you speak.

    13. LH

      Mm.

    14. SS

      Pray before you react. Allow yourself to just calm your spirit.

    15. LH

      Mm.

    16. SS

      Listen, process, then speak. Because too many times that emotional reaction, it just, it's just adding more fire to the flame.

    17. LH

      Mm.

  6. 14:50 – 23:45

    The Essentials: Connection, Balance, and Attraction

    1. LH

      What should, what should be the key things people are looking for in any partner to thrive and maintain a relationship long-term in today's society?

    2. SS

      The first thing that came to mind is connection. All right? I am a firm believer that you can't have an amazing relationship, at least long-term, without connection. A lot of people get by on that initial hype, all right? That initial excitement. Oh, they're so wonderful. Their resume is so great, blah, blah, blah. Okay, that's cool, but that's not gonna sustain you.

    3. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SS

      Is there something deeper there? Can you two truly be each other, be yourselves with each other? Um, open up. Share your inner thoughts. You know, be emotionally naked with this person. If you can, and you still enjoy their presence, enjoy speaking to them, you feel good when they're around you, okay, we got something we can work with here.

    5. LH

      Yeah. Yeah.

    6. SS

      Even if everything's not in perfect alignment, we have the foundation to now grow the relationship, but without that, it's just fluff.

    7. LH

      Is connection something that's, um, created or is it just, uh, does it only happen between certain people?

    8. SS

      It only happens between certain people.

    9. LH

      Really?

    10. SS

      It's either there or it's not. You cannot create connection.

    11. LH

      And you should know it in the first few minutes or does, is it maybe it takes...

    12. SS

      I won't say you, you'll know it in the first few minutes. I think it can vary. I think it depends on how, how spiritually in tuned you are.

    13. LH

      Mm.

    14. SS

      Or how, how emotionally grounded you are. If you're in a very emotionally healthy place, I do think you're gonna recognize it very quickly. All right? But a lot of times you, you pick up on it, but you're scared to embrace it.

    15. LH

      Mm.

    16. SS

      You're still rationalizing, what's going on here? And we've been programmed to believe it all takes time. So when we see this experience where two people are, it's like this, they click, and they're feeling these intense feelings right away, everyone else is saying, "Slow down."

    17. LH

      Uh-huh.

    18. SS

      "This can't be real." Or, you know, "You're jumping the gun." In reality, no.

    19. LH

      Wow.

    20. SS

      Because in most situations, let's just say if not in a few minutes, the first date people know.

    21. LH

      Wow.

    22. SS

      People know, like, there's potential here or there's not. Or this one could be the one or they're not. But we rationalize why we should entertain this and move further.

    23. LH

      Wow.

    24. SS

      Give it a chance. Waste our time. And then we find ourselves stuck in situations we don't belong in.

    25. LH

      Yeah.

    26. SS

      And now we try to make it work because we've invested so much, and we don't want to now admit that we were wrong or we wasted our time. We're lonely. Various reasons cause us to hang on to situations we don't belong in.

    27. LH

      Mm.

    28. SS

      But we knew from the beginning. Like when I speak to people who are divorced, and I ask them...

    29. LH

      When did you know?

    30. SS

      When did you know? Yeah.

  7. 23:45 – 28:14

    The Role of Sex and Honest Communication About It

    1. LH

      How important is sex in a relationship?

    2. SS

      Hugely important. [laughs]

    3. LH

      [laughs] This is coming from a guy who's abstinent, right?

    4. SS

      Yeah, right. [laughs] Well, you know what? To me, I, I say hugely important from the standpoint of, I think people have to look at sex not just from the stan- from the perspective of pleasure, but from the perspective of bonding.

    5. LH

      Mm.

    6. SS

      I believe it is an opportunity for two people to grow closer together. And when two people know how to truly satisfy each other, it creates an amazing bond.

    7. LH

      Deeper connection. Better balance

    8. SS

      Exactly.

    9. LH

      More attraction.

    10. SS

      Yes. All of the-

    11. LH

      It keeps it going.

    12. SS

      Exactly. Because if you have two unsatisfied people sexually, you're gonna have a problem. Y- you can't find a relationship where that exists, and they're all happy and everything's great. It doesn't work that way. People crave intimacy. Cre- people crave that level of bonding with each other. And yes, biologically speaking, we can talk about the needs of a man and a woman and all these things, but I think even going deeper, spiritually and all that, sex is important.

    13. LH

      Yeah.

    14. SS

      And we are not taking enough of a mature approach to understanding and learning sex. I think people are very much behind in their understanding of it.

    15. LH

      Especially in America. It's like we weren't educated.

    16. SS

      Exactly.

    17. LH

      It's a very, like, hush, hush type of thing. It's not talked about in schools. Your parents, at least most parents, aren't talking about it.

    18. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    19. LH

      Until it's like the moment, and it's like, "Let me say something to just get it out, and then let them figure it out."

    20. SS

      Well, a- and-

    21. LH

      Right?

    22. SS

      ... and not just that. A l- a lot of our parents don't know either.

    23. LH

      Right.

    24. SS

      Like, people just don't take time to get more educated on their bodies, on sex, on true sexual satisfac- There's a lot of lies going on. I tell people all the time, "Listen, a lot of women aren't being sexually satisfied, all right? But they're lying to their friends, they're lying to their, their partners."

    25. LH

      Right.

    26. SS

      So there's a perception that everything is all good. No, it's not. It... There's a huge disconnect between the reality or the perception of women's sexual satisfaction and the reality of women's sexual satisfaction. And that contributes to a disconnect in marriages. Because again, if the woman is not satisfied, she now becomes less willing to be, uh, sexually involved with her husband.

    27. LH

      Mm.

    28. SS

      Now, he starts to gr- gain resentment. He starts to feel neglected.

    29. LH

      Starts to wander.

    30. SS

      Exactly. Every- snowballs from there.

  8. 28:14 – 33:29

    Why Relationships Fail and How to Start Healing

    1. LH

      There's so many, uh, divorces happening. You know, it's higher than ever, right?

    2. SS

      Yeah.

    3. LH

      I think it's the... We had a divorce attorney on who was talking about how it's higher than ever. There's also even more people who stay married who probably should be divorced.

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    5. LH

      Who aren't happy. And so it sounds like there's a very small percentage of married people who've been together for many years, who are actually still thriving in relationship. I'm just... Maybe I'm wrong.

    6. SS

      Yeah.

    7. LH

      Maybe there's more-

    8. SS

      [laughs]

    9. LH

      ... but it sounds like it, right?

    10. SS

      Uh-huh.

    11. LH

      There's a very small percentage that are having, like, these incredible long-lasting marriages and relationships that, like-

    12. SS

      Mm-hmm

    13. LH

      ... have the attraction and connection and balance and all these things. Why do you think that is, and how can we decrease the number of failed relationships? Or is that the wrong question to ask?

    14. SS

      No, I think it's a good question. I think, well, one, we have to understand marriage is not the issue. It's marrying the wrong person and marrying for the wrong reasons.

    15. LH

      Mm.

    16. SS

      All right? And then underlying to those things is the lack of healing, 'cause it's the lack of healing that leads us into these, uh, wrong relationships and allows us to entertain situations we should not entertain.

    17. LH

      Mm.

    18. SS

      Because again, for example, if, if you're guy or woman, if you've been through some things and now you think you don't deserve that great person, that great relationship, 'cause your perception of yourself is low, now you're gonna just latch on to whoever comes around who says, "I wanna be with you" and willing to give you what you want at that moment.

    19. LH

      Yeah.

    20. SS

      And you're thinking, "Okay, this is safe. This will work. Let me go ahead and go with it." But you're never truly into them like that. It's never gonna be the relationship it needs to be, all right? But that all stemmed from your lack of self-worth because you didn't heal from whatever traumatized you emotionally before.

    21. LH

      So how do we heal first? What's that process look like?

    22. SS

      So it's a long process.

    23. LH

      [laughs]

    24. SS

      And I do plan on... I have a book I'm working on right now called Finding Love After Heartbreak.

    25. LH

      Mm.

    26. SS

      And it's gonna lay out the entire process. But, so I'll give a little bit right now.

    27. LH

      Yeah.

    28. SS

      And I'll save the rest for later.

    29. LH

      Great.

    30. SS

      So one thing is first we gotta get the hurt out. And so I have this exercise I do at all my events called the Who Hurt Me List.

  9. 33:29 – 40:00

    Attracting a Partner: Authenticity, Positive Energy, and Femininity

    1. LH

      Let's say you've dealt with the hurt, and it takes, you know, it takes the time that it takes you, and you've gone through all that. How do you manifest and attract a partner that you wanna be with that has those three keys, the, the connection, the attraction, and the balance, that you feel like is the one, could be one of the ones?

    2. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. LH

      How do you set yourself up to attract that incredible partner?

    4. SS

      So one, you gotta be yourself. So finding yourself is number one.

    5. LH

      Mm.

    6. SS

      All right? You can't connect with someone if they're connecting with the fake you.

    7. LH

      Ooh.

    8. SS

      All right?

    9. LH

      Yeah.

    10. SS

      That's a false connection. So you have to discover who you are, become confident in that, stand strong in it. Now, who is drawn to that person, you know it's real. All right? And so that's where we begin. Two, you need to exude positive energy. All right? To me, and this is, I, I think this is very important for women, all right? Because the reality is that it's, men, or the type of men that a lot of women want, aren't gonna be drawn to a negative woman.

    11. LH

      No.

    12. SS

      There's millions of good women, but that doesn't mean they're positive women. All right? And it's that lack of positive energy that holds them back more than they realize.

    13. LH

      Really?

    14. SS

      Yes. And what-

    15. LH

      Just like even just saying negative things throughout the day.

    16. SS

      It-

    17. LH

      They, they might be a good person, but if they're always complaining or negative or-

    18. SS

      Ex- exactly. And not even just what they say. Again, it's how they're coming off. Because energy-

    19. LH

      Their facial energy, their body language.

    20. SS

      Yes. It's like, so look at it like this. I, I tell people all the time, "It's not what you say, it's how you make them feel."

    21. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    22. SS

      All right? So you can say all the wonderful things you want, but if in your presence they don't feel at-

    23. LH

      Yeah

    24. SS

      ... ease, they don't feel peace, they don't feel that positivity, that's still gonna throw everything off.

    25. LH

      If you say nice things but you have a frown.

    26. SS

      [laughs] Exactly.

    27. LH

      It's like, what's the point?

    28. SS

      Exactly.

    29. LH

      You know what I mean? Yeah.

    30. SS

      Exactly. And what, what a lot of women aren't realizing is that their energy is off because they have walls up.

  10. 40:00 – 46:23

    Questions to Ask Before Marriage

    1. LH

      When someone feels like they've found the one, and I've heard this a lot, like, "I know this is the one." I... Or, "I thought they were the one, and then it didn't end up working out." And they wanna get married. They've decided marriage is for them. They wanna be life partners. What are a few of the conversations that they should have to not know for certain, but know for better certain that this is the right decision, this partnership is the right decision to move forward in a long-term committed relationship?

    2. SS

      Okay.

    3. LH

      As opposed to just maybe the infatuation behind it or the-

    4. SS

      Mm

    5. LH

      ... initial connection or the attraction. What are a few questions they should be asking each other that maybe they haven't asked yet to know whether or not they're setting themselves up for that successful long-term relationship?

    6. SS

      Okay. Number one, how do you envision your role in a marriage?

    7. LH

      Wow.

    8. SS

      All right? People don't go in finding out what the expectations are-

    9. LH

      Hmm

    10. SS

      ... before they get married. They have this assumption that we're just gonna transition from how we are in a relationship to being that way in a marriage. No, no, no, no, no. [laughs] Because a lot of times things change and, and the level of expectation raises now in marriage.

    11. LH

      Hmm.

    12. SS

      You also have some people who may think, for example, you may have a man out there who thinks, "Okay, my job is to court you when we're boyfriend and girlfriend."

    13. LH

      But when we're married-

    14. SS

      "When we're married, I don't gotta do all that work anymore. Now I'm your husband. I've given you the ring. Satisfy me and make me happy."

    15. LH

      Wow.

    16. SS

      You gotta find that out because you're setting yourself up for failure if you don't realize he thinks he gets to take time off-

    17. LH

      Wow

    18. SS

      ... now that he's married you. Or he may think, "As long as I'm paying these bills, don't ask me for anything else." You gotta find out.

    19. LH

      Wow.

    20. SS

      So we need to ask, "What do you perceive-"

    21. LH

      She should be asking that.

    22. SS

      Yeah, both of them should be asking.

    23. LH

      Both of them should be asking.

    24. SS

      What, how do you perceive your role in marriage? What are your expectations from me in marriage? Let's find out what we need, what we're expecting from each other. Number two, w- making sure our values are aligned.

    25. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    26. SS

      All right? So whether that be spiritual, whether that be even financial values, whatever those things are, let's make sure we're on the same page about it. And if we're not on the same page, are these things we can balance out and work out? All right? So for example, if... Let's look at it from a financial perspective. If I'm a very frugal man-

    27. LH

      Yes

    28. SS

      ... and this woman is a spender. [laughs]

    29. LH

      [laughs] I have friends in this situation, and it's not good.

    30. SS

      Exactly. And I'm sure they didn't talk about it in advance.

  11. 46:23 – 51:40

    Women's Honesty in Private and Views on Open Relationships

    1. LH

      Now, you do a lot of these events and workshops for, you know, hundreds of women at a time. Are women opening up in these experiences when you're c- connecting with them and saying, "Yes, I do lose the attraction. Like, appearances are important to me." Or, or is it not as important? In your... From the events that you've done with the women you've talked to, what is the feedback on appearance and looks?

    2. SS

      So I will say this. When it comes to appearance, looks, and sex, women aren't as vocal and transparent-

    3. LH

      Mm

    4. SS

      ... in a group of people.

    5. LH

      Really?

    6. SS

      Yes.

    7. LH

      But one on one with you.

    8. SS

      One on one, different story. So same thing, like using the sex example. If I ask a s- group of women, "Are you getting orgasms regularly?" There's gonna be women in there who lie because they don't want to feel inadequate. They don't want to be the woman who doesn't raise their hand and say, "Yes, I'm getting it good." So they're gonna be hesitant or not know how to answer it. But if I ask in private, now I'm gonna get the real truth.

    9. LH

      I'm miserable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    10. SS

      Yes. [laughs] And now she's gonna be very clear about loss of attraction, lack of sexual satisfaction, and all these things. So that's why people have to be careful, 'cause I think sometimes we're assuming these issues don't really exist because we're not hearing it in that group setting. Don't be fooled. Some women just, they feel more comfortable privately expressing those things. And I've heard it enough times to know this is real. And again, you just have to-

    11. LH

      Yeah

    12. SS

      ... even if you haven't heard it enough times, pay attention.

    13. LH

      Yeah.

    14. SS

      There's a reason why we're seeing people fall off in marriage. There's a reason why we're seeing this disconnect. And even when it comes to infidelity, there's a great focus on men who've cheated, but there's a lot of women-

    15. LH

      Women

    16. SS

      ... who've cheated.

    17. LH

      A lot of women.

    18. SS

      And it's not always for emotional reasons. It's for sexual ones too. So again, my, my thing is not to sit here and say, "Well, it's about who does work." It's about, okay, how do we fix this? How do we make this better?

    19. LH

      Mm.

    20. SS

      And we have to accept that, yes, there are contributing factors to why we see failed marriages, why we see infidelity, why we see disconnects in our relationships. Let's address the underlying issues and be honest about it so we can get this on the right track.

    21. LH

      Wow. Are there any, um, relationships that you're aware of that, uh, have open relationships that are successful? Or do you think it's very hard to do?

    22. SS

      [laughs]

    23. LH

      Because more and more with the Burning Man scene and all these people exploring these things-

    24. SS

      Mm

    25. LH

      ... what's your thoughts on You know, open relationships or, you know, being together but also having multiple partners.

    26. SS

      So I'm gonna be honest. Um, I- I'm very skeptical of open relationships. Now, I don't wanna sit here and say it's impossible for it to be successful, 'cause I haven't met everybody-

    27. LH

      Mm-hmm

    28. SS

      ... and I haven't studied it enough. But I have studied it to a certain extent, and from what I have found is, again, a lot of open relationships stem from one, the perception that one person can't fulfill me, and since one person can't fulfill me, why not have more than one?

    29. LH

      Hmm.

    30. SS

      All right? And to me, find the person who's experienced that deep and genuine connection, they don't have that perception.

  12. 51:40 – 58:15

    Rekindling a Marriage vs. Divorce, and the Impact on Kids

    1. LH

      What about in a relationship that's, you've been together for a long time, you've been married together for a long time, and it just feels like it's not working, and you're talking about divorce, and both of you aren't happy. You've got the kids, you've got the home, you've got the lives together.

    2. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. LH

      And both of you aren't happy, right? And you've, like, addressed this and talked about it. You've tried different things, they haven't worked maybe. Is there a way to rekindle those three things and find that connection again? Maybe, maybe you've lost that attraction and that balance. Uh, is that even possible in these times, or is divorce the only way to, to tr- to then go find true happiness or connection somewhere else?

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm. If a true connection ever existed in that relationship, then it can be fixed.

    5. LH

      Hmm.

    6. SS

      But that's the key. Did it ever really exist? And we've gotta examine that because again-

    7. LH

      Yeah

    8. SS

      ... many people have been living off the fantasy of their perception of things, what they wanted to believe it was, and, and wanting to hold onto this feeling of being in love when in reality they were involved in an unhealthy attachment to this individual.

    9. LH

      Hmm. Hmm.

    10. SS

      So we have to go deeper and find out, is that there? So if the, the connection was there, yes, we can work on everything else. We can get things on track. It's gonna cause a, it's gonna create a lot of, uh, deeper emotional discovery so to speak as far as finding out, okay, why is there a disconnect now? How did we fall off of track? How can we now f- correct these specific things? Because there's very specific things that need to change. Are we both willing to put in that work, all right? And if, if both sides are willing to do that, then it absolutely can work. Now, if there was no connection, yeah, divorce.

    11. LH

      Get a divorce.

    12. SS

      Get a divor- Th- they... I'm-

    13. LH

      Sooner than later

    14. SS

      ... I'm a man of God, and I would love for everyone to be able to stay married, right? But I'm very-

    15. LH

      Even when, even when people have been convinced that m- you get married, you stay married forever. This, even if it's a religious thing or you feel, like, the pressure of society, like...

    16. SS

      Here's why despite those things you don't stay married, especially when you have kids. So, so many people stay married-

    17. LH

      Wow

    18. SS

      ... because of the kids, right?

    19. LH

      Yeah.

    20. SS

      But if you can't create a positive environment at home, you are damaging the kids worse than you would in divorce. Divorce isn't, in my opinion, the greatest struggle for the child. It, the n- it's lacking the understanding of what just happened here. So if you've been feeding your kids all these years that Mommy and Daddy love each other and everything's all good despite our dysfunctional relationship-

    21. LH

      Well, why are we getting divorced?

    22. SS

      Exactly. So now one day you wake up, we're getting divorced, the child is confused. And the thing is we're not honest with the kids about why this happened, what went wrong. We're not saying, "Yeah, you know what? We knew a long time ago we weren't best for each other."

    23. LH

      [laughs] No.

    24. SS

      We're not giving them the honest truth for them to learn and not make the same mistakes in their-

    25. LH

      Repeat the pattern.

    26. SS

      Exactly. What the child now thinks is you can't trust love.

    27. LH

      Wow.

    28. SS

      You can't trust marriage because you can love each other and one day now it's over And now they become dysfunctional or they now have dysfunctional relationships because of their skewed perception of things because they lack clarity in understanding what just happened here. But going back to divorce versus staying together, again, what a child needs more than anything is a positive, loving environment. If you can achieve that together, great. If you can't, you are better off apart.

    29. LH

      Wow.

    30. SS

      Because when you speak to adults now, adults who are struggling today grew up in dysfunctional households.

  13. 58:15 – 1:04:25

    Normalized Dysfunction, Peaceful Conflict, and Relationships at Work

    1. LH

      When do you n- when should people, uh, you know... When do they know that, okay, we just need to work on things in our marriage or relationship? Like, not every marriage is gonna be perfect all the time, and happy. Like, there's gonna be some dysfunction, or challenges, or issues that arise.

    2. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. LH

      Um, hopefully you've addressed all those things, but let's say you've set expectations early. You both understand these things before you got married. Like, you communicated everything, and you're aligned to a certain vision for your marriage.

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    5. LH

      Five years goes down the line, and it seems like things are getting worse and worse. Maybe expectations change. Maybe values change. Who knows what it is?

    6. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    7. LH

      When do you know, like, okay, it's getting too far, or we should stay in this relationship? When should we get divorced or sh- or we sh- keep trying?

    8. SS

      To me, the first sign that we have problems is that when whatever is going on in our marriage is affecting me in a way that I can't be the best husband or wife I need to be, we got a problem. That's step number one. I think what's happened is we've normalized dysfunction too much.

    9. LH

      Uh-huh.

    10. SS

      We've normalized this idea that we're gonna all have problems. Yeah, but we all have problems because we don't learn how to work through them.

    11. LH

      Interesting.

    12. SS

      Because we have dysfunction and individual dysfunction that we have not processed and resolved. That's the reason why dysfunction is so common. It's not healthy, though.

    13. LH

      Mm.

    14. SS

      Like, I've heard some people say, "Well, arguing is healthy in a relationship." No, it's not.

    15. LH

      No.

    16. SS

      No. Disagreement is acceptable, but when arguing-

    17. LH

      Yelling at each other is not good.

    18. SS

      Exactly.

    19. LH

      I just watched the Will Smith and, uh, Jada, the Red Table Talk.

    20. SS

      Uh-huh.

    21. LH

      W- uh, Will Smith, like, opening up about their marriage.

    22. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    23. LH

      I don't know if you watched this yet, but it's-

    24. SS

      I haven't watched it yet. I've seen the promo

    25. LH

      ... I just watched it last night. It's actually really powerful what he said. Uh, Jada, I guess, when they first started, like, dating or whatever, at one point she, like, raised her voice at him, and, like, sweared at him, or did something where she made him look foolish in front of other people.

    26. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    27. LH

      And he took her into the other room and said, "Can I speak to you for a minute privately?" Took her in the other room and said, "I can't be with someone who's going to raise their voice, yell at me, or swear at me. It just doesn't work for me, and it's gonna put me into a shell. Like, I'm not gonna be the best version of myself.

    28. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    29. LH

      And if that's you, then I love you, but we can't be together anymore. But I need us to be able to have complete peace. If we're, if we don't agree on something, then we have to set ground rules where we step away.

    30. SS

      Mm-hmm.

  14. 1:04:25 – 1:09:57

    What Men and Women Should Understand About Each Other

    1. LH

      What's, what's, uh, one thing you wish men understood more about women in general?

    2. SS

      Mm. [laughs]

    3. LH

      And one thing you wish women knew about men in general?

    4. SS

      All right.

    5. LH

      Every man and everyone's different. You know, every human's different. But in general, based on all the work you've done and the, the things you hear over and over again, one thing you wish men knew about women and women knew about men.

    6. SS

      This may sound bad, but what's coming [laughs] to... I always just say what comes to mind, all right?

    7. LH

      Yeah.

    8. SS

      'Cause I don't, I never practice any of these things. Is learn to look past her words. And what I mean by that is a lot of times, again, women don't always fully express themselves. As much as women will say men are horrible communicators, women are actually horrible communicators. [laughs]

    9. LH

      [laughs]

    10. SS

      And, and it's because, yes, they talk, but they're not always clear.

    11. LH

      Oh.

    12. SS

      And part of it is because women can see past our words, all right? Sometimes to the point where they overanalyze and over-rationalize things, and it causes them to look at things the wrong way. But they know how to pay attention to all the small details. They, they understand if our moods are different, even if we say we're okay. They're very in tune with that. So they kinda have that expectation with us.

    13. LH

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    14. SS

      And though I want women to be more clear and transparent, I want men to be more aware and be more in tune with your partner. It's not just about her saying, "I'm okay." Look at her. Pay attention. Does she show you she's okay? Does she really look like there's no, nothing going on right now? And if you can see past that... I'm not saying badger her, because yeah, she might not wanna be badgered. But at least, one, show a true concern-

    15. LH

      Yeah

    16. SS

      ... for her feelings, and show that you are going to be there for her when she is ready to let you know and have that talk.

    17. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    18. SS

      You wanna create a very-

    19. LH

      Right

    20. SS

      ... secure environment with your partner, a very safe environment where she can open up to you, she can be herself. And again, I do believe that starts with look past the words. And even in-

    21. LH

      Yeah

    22. SS

      ... understanding how to keep her satisfied and happy. It's like the woman who says to you, "You don't have to buy me anything for my birthday." All right? [laughs]

    23. LH

      Yeah, right. [laughs] Yeah, yeah.

    24. SS

      Exactly.

    25. LH

      Don't listen to her words.

    26. SS

      Exactly. Look past that. And even if you think she's telling the truth, you know what? There's nothing wrong with doing the, still doing a little special something-

    27. LH

      Something, yeah, yeah

    28. SS

      ... for her. It, it just shows that, again, you're more in tune with what's really going on with her emotionally and not what's, not just what she's speaking. But I do believe that as you do that more often and you show a willingness to hear her out, we have to consider our partner's feelings. I think too many men don't consider their partner's feelings. When you do that, she will become more transparent.

    29. LH

      Mm.

    30. SS

      When she knows that she can be open and honest and you're not gonna reject how she feels or what she says or call it crazy, she'll be more willing to speak up about it. So I do think women... I mean, men need to be more in tune. Look past the words. As far as what I wish women would know with men, so it's kind of the flip side of that.

  15. 1:09:57 – 1:15:44

    Gender Roles and Long-Term Happiness

    1. LH

      This one is about, uh, gender roles. With all the gender roles being redefined in society, at least in, let's say, you know, at least in our culture-

    2. SS

      Yeah

    3. LH

      ... I feel like it is, it seems that way. Uh, what are the best ways for men and women to create healthier roles in relationships with all this that seems like it's being redefined, and figuring out, and equality, and, you know, role shifting or whatever it may be?

    4. SS

      Mm-hmm. So one, I am a bel- I am a believer in roles. All right? Even if you wanna dispel gender roles, we still need roles. Roles is what makes any unit thrive. A team needs roles. Uh-

    5. LH

      A basketball team, a football team.

    6. SS

      Exactly.

    7. LH

      Yeah, yeah.

    8. SS

      Corporations, you gotta have... Members gotta know their roles. That's how we're gonna get to the next level. If you have a, an entrepreneur and you got a team-

    9. LH

      Yeah

    10. SS

      ... they gotta know their roles. So roles are important. Now, once we start to slap gender on it, here's my thing. You need to look at this long-term, not in the moment, and here's what I mean by that. So you have a lot of people arguing against gender roles. So they'll say, "Well, the woman can do this. The man can do that." Okay, fine. If that's what makes you happy, go with it. I do believe that traditional roles are more beneficial in the long run, but let's start with the non-traditional ones right now. So let's just say as the woman, you're the, uh, breadwinner of the household. You're kind of leading the household. All right?

    11. LH

      To the woman, or the woman saying this to the man?

    12. SS

      No, I'm saying, I'm saying let's just define that dynamic, where the woman is more in the masc- in the more traditional masculine-

    13. LH

      Is the bread- is the breadwinner.

    14. SS

      Yes.

    15. LH

      Yeah.

    16. SS

      He's the breadwinner. She's... He's more the, uh, a house dad, so to speak.

    17. LH

      Yeah, stay-at-home dad. Yeah.

    18. SS

      Yeah. This is just one example.

    19. LH

      Thinking, yeah.

    20. SS

      All right? Now, if you can picture yourself 20 years from now still happy in that dynamic, you gotta be honest with yourself, then okay, cool. Roll with that. The problem that I'm coming across is they'll start off that way, and then 10 years later, you're mad because he's not doing more with his life.

    21. LH

      Mm.

    22. SS

      You're mad because he's not being more assertive. You're mad because he's not, uh, walking in that traditional role of masculinity, so to speak. Now you're resenting him. You're losing respect for him. He's feeling like you don't treat him like a man. You don't respect him. He doesn't feel valued. Now, if they go cheat, I tell people this all the time. Pay attention. If they go cheat, she always end up cheating with a masculine man, and he ends up cheating with a woman that treats him like a king.

    23. LH

      Wow. [laughs]

    24. SS

      Every single time. So that's my only argument. It's like, okay, fine. If you want to say we don't need traditional gender roles, cool. If that truly makes you happy, you can live with that, cool. But I need you to look at it from the long term because what's happening in a lot of situations is a lot of people are- Trying to switch the roles based on what's convenient for them right now. So for example, if I'm the guy and I'm not doing well successfully, all right, and I don't have all my stuff in order, then of course I'm gonna champion the reversal of roles-

    25. LH

      Yeah, yeah

    26. SS

      ... because I need a woman who makes some money-

    27. LH

      Take care of me

    28. SS

      ... who's gonna accept me-

    29. LH

      Yeah, yeah

    30. SS

      ... exactly, as I am. Who's not gonna expect me to do all the manly things we're used to doing. It's about convenience. He's not really looking out for the interests of the woman. He's looking out for himself. On the flip side, you have a lot of women who champion this role of her being more of the masculine role because it's protection. It's control. All right? She feels safer. Which is why one thing you're hearing from a lot of people right now is narcissism.

  16. 1:15:44 – 1:23:57

    Three Truths, Resources, and Definition of Greatness

    1. LH

      I think. Um, I wanna ask you, uh, a question I ask everyone at the end of the, of our interviews, and this is called the three truths.

    2. SS

      Okay.

    3. LH

      So you've had a lot of, uh, experience working with people for a long time and a lot of life experience. We haven't even gone into your personal life, which-

    4. SS

      [laughs]

    5. LH

      We'll, we'll, we'll go on after off-camera and go more about it. Um, but imagine this is your last day many years from now and you get to pick the last day that you're physically here in this world.

    6. SS

      Okay.

    7. LH

      It's just a hypothetical. It's as long as you wanna be. It could be 100 years old, 300 years old, whatever you wanna be.

    8. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    9. LH

      But you gotta pick a day eventually and you, you pass.

    10. SS

      Okay.

    11. LH

      But it's a beautiful moment and you're at peace with everything, and you've created the life of your dreams. You've written all the books you wanna write.

    12. SS

      Okay.

    13. LH

      You've done all the work. You've feel like you've been the person you're meant to be.

    14. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    15. LH

      Um, but for whatever reason, you gotta take all your information with you. Like all the work you've created, the videos, this podcast, it's with you.

    16. SS

      Mm-hmm.

    17. LH

      You can't leave it for the rest of us.

    18. SS

      Okay.

    19. LH

      But you get to write down three final truths, three lessons that you would leave with the world.

    20. SS

      Okay.

    21. LH

      And these would be the only three things that you could essentially leave behind.

    22. SS

      Okay.

    23. LH

      What would be the three truths that you would share or the lessons to the world for us to have?

    24. SS

      Okay. Lesson one, you have to heal. There's no way around that. Your key to success in every area of your life starts-

    25. LH

      Mm

    26. SS

      ... with healing.

    27. LH

      Mm-hmm.

    28. SS

      And so when you can learn how to address hurts and disappointments, not internalize them, learn from them, grow, you are going to set yourself up for amazing things in life. So number one, you have to heal. No way around that. Number two, you have to find who you are.

    29. LH

      Mm.

    30. SS

      All right? Purpose, your true personality. So many people have flawed perceptions of who they really are. All right? And, and they're trying to find themselves by things that are only there because of the trauma they've experienced, not because of the true essence that's, exists within them. So you gotta find that true self. All right? And I do believe that finding your purpose, whatever that may be, is a very powerful, freeing thing in life. All right? Because so many people are, are, they might find success, but they're not finding purpose.

Episode duration: 1:24:12

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